If I Were You - 566: Blue Corn Moon

Episode Date: November 14, 2022

In this episode we discuss bad neighbors, infertility, and Amir's smoothie business. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. But on the eve of your promotion or your second date, the old co-host was locked into discussion so heated in debate with a frail uncle who struggled to find the word. He muttered to earn the turdy. So email, if I were you, the podcast, these two jewels will outlast

your sophomore year relationship. You said I love you too fast so they've put you on blast right before the Squarespace ad. Whoa. Damn, what a cover. The General? Yeah, by Dispatch.

Dispatch, that's right. Oh yeah, major. Major song for me in college. Yeah, it was just a late 90s, early 2000s, 20-ish year old white dude vibes from that song. Yeah, you gotta believe I learned to play the opening notes on an acoustic guitar and that was enough to make everyone think I knew the full song.

Yeah. So like, you're fucking around on a guitar and you're like, oh yeah. Yeah, and then that's all you need. So like, oh, do you know the whole song? It's like, yeah, but I have to, I gotta jet. That song was such a specific song.

Like, nothing came before or after from Dispatch and this was just like a one-off song about the general and it's like, everyone knew this song and then it all went away. Yeah, I remember downloading full Dispatch songs on Morpheus or Kaza or full Dispatch albums and I liked other songs from the albums but definitely none of them had the staying power.

It was that song and I already forget the band but the song was great. You were singing OAR Crazy Game of Poker, right? I was. I was thinking... Yeah, for sure. It was another one-off white boy song that what happened since or before OAR.

Yeah, I don't. I really don't know. It was a crazy game. Easy game of poker. I lost it all. Oh wow, Dispatch was OAR. They're the same, right? Yeah, I guess every four years they reinvented themselves,

became a new band, released one song. But then you have a band like Guster and Dave Matthews who just hit after hit after hit they just kept coming. You can't name a bad Guster song. I guess it's one thing to come up with a good song and another thing to just like be able to do it for years and years and multiple songs and multiple albums. Yeah, yeah.

Not easy. Three doors down, Superman. Well, then they moved on to, I think just performing at the RNC and stuff. That's unfortunate. But what is fortunate is we did get a red wave. Yes, congratulations, I wanted to say. I'm a red wave.

The RS picked up three seats. Waiting for... A lot of them are too close to call still, but that's only because there's massive voting fraud. And I'm wondering why... Well, obviously the Republicans won in some states where there was no voter fraud, but then the Democrats are winning in states

where there's just widespread voter fraud. Something's amiss. Yeah, something is not right there. It is cool that these midterm elections are like the first kind of widespread failures of Trump to get candidates elected. I sort of had given up hope that that was a possibility. Yeah, no, it's definitely a good thing.

It seems like Trump has his own special brand and people like him, but anyone that he thinks is cool, people don't like. Like Dr. Oz. Right, it's basically just Trump and no one else can do it, but still not great, still not great. A lot of them are very close,

but yeah, it's good that it's close in a way where Dr. Oz loses by a little bit instead of wins. Totally, but things can still get control of the House and the Senate. Oh, for sure. It's in play. No, yeah. So like a narrow victory is just as bad,

maybe not just as bad, but also bad. Yeah. Herschel Walker has to go down. That's the last domino to drop. I was thinking that if we were making the mirrors as regularly as we used to, Elon Musk buying Twitter would be a very funny episode as well. Yeah.

Well, we can all in. We can and should shoot another. Okay, cool. So I have the opening so far. We have. It's me walking in in a cap and gown. Okay. And I go,

Da, da, da, da, da, Elon. Da, da, da, da, Musk. Okay. Are you? That's all I have so far. So you're a Musk fan in the end?

I'm a Musk stan. Yes. And I got a cap and gown to celebrate or something like that. Yeah. Because usually, usually you don't like internet strong men. You're against like Mark Zuckerberg, but you're a pro Elon. Exactly.

Because he's sort of an outsider. And he was able to get me verified for $8 a month. So I'm sort of excited about that prospect. Yeah. Because the American character would have like several verified Twitter accounts that you were paying for. Now all my troll bots are verified on Twitter. So I can start little mini fires.

They can't go in words. They're all Musk haves. Musk haves. You would, you would run a troll farm. That's something your character would have done. I'm in charge of 10,000 Bangladeshi tweeters who are responsible of disseminating misinformation at my win. Yeah.

That's perfect. Careful. I might get them to dox your ass. We did in Jake and Amir canon, you stormed the capital, right? Did we talk about that in one of the, in one of the latest ones? I can't remember. Yeah. It would be funny if I was there and got like locked in a porta potty

or I just like followed the crowd and people treated me as a piñata. Yeah. It seems like you wouldn't have like gone there on purpose, but like accidentally got swept up in the entire thing. Yeah. The craze. But I twisted my ankle trying to scale a wall. Help me, brothers.

And for the rest of the afternoon, I was used as some sort of ladder. You got stuck in a window and people used you to climb up and climb in. You know Rapunzel's hair? Yeah. So that was my leg taint and crotch. I was climbed raw 30 ways from Sunday. I was treated like a rope by the alt right. How is that?

All right. There you go. Yeah. It's writing. It's writing itself. We'll do it for the January 6th anniversary. Oh, perfect. That's probably around the next time we're going to shoot.

Yeah. There we go. Okay. But this is if I were you, the only advice pot on the web hosted by us. I'm Amir. I am Jake. And we're not just going to talk politics. Okay.

We're also going to talk about other governmental issues. Nice. Oh, you know what? Talk about small government. Yeah. Local elections. How to go New York City. New York.

I think the big one was the governor, the governor's race. Hocal versus Zeldin. Yeah. She won. The Democrat beat out the kind of like Nazi sympathizer guy that she ran against. But there was a lot of movement to the Republic. A lot of districts went like red. Oh, right in the corner.

Right in the corner. In New York, right? Yeah. Like on Long Island and stuff. But I think, I mean, there's still a Democratic majority. I read this funny tweet. Let me see if I can. Oh, yeah.

Here we go. From Ben Rosen. I don't even know who this person is. So don't at me. But he said every race is like the Democrat has a narrow 50.1 to 49.9 lead over Republican challenger, Gunch Hitler, who ran on a platform of exploding everyone. That's how it felt last night. Yeah.

Yeah. Kind of all of all of the Democrats eaked out of victory over people who are openly against the worst seeming people in the world. Yeah. They were just bad enough if only they just didn't do one more evil thing they would have won by 312 votes. Yeah. It seems crazy.

It's everyone. It seems like they would have had an easy time winning, but they had to question the election results, I guess. Yeah. They had to think the insurrection wasn't that bad. Here's a vice question from a Berkeley EDU email address. Let's hear it. Holy shit.

A fellow golden bear. Good man. We'll call this lady Oskie, our mascot, Oskie the Bear. I come to you with a question as a 20-year-old college student. My current boyfriend and I have been dating for a few months now and everything is going great. He treats me very well. Even though it's really early into the relationship, we've talked about our future long-term post-graduation

marriage, how he wants to raise a family, et cetera. My problem arises with this. I noticed his semen is very watery-like, way more watery than any previous partner of mine. He doesn't seem to be aware of this. After a brief research, I found that it might be a sign of infertility. I know that I'm a long ways away from even needing to think about this, but it's been on my mind a lot, especially since we talk about the future so much. I know that you guys will advise me not to bring it up, but if I did, how should I tell

him? How do you even bring up your fertility concerns in a casual way? In what situation could I bring this topic up? Maybe there's some sort of help I can get him? If that's all too boring, what would be the funniest way to bring it up? I've been a fan of you guys for forever now and even used my school email, Berkeley, to write this in hopes of giving me some priorities and some mirror. Our most notable alum went there.

Holy smokes. Wow. Yeah. Notable alum? That's a good question. Who else is there really? I mean, it's either me or Aaron Rodgers. Didn't that guy that sings, she bangs?

Yeah. William Hung is up there for sure. Jason Kidd, one of the best point guards in NBA history. I don't know about other celebrities, though. Notable alumni. Marchion Lynch, he's got to be up there. Anyway, that's all of them after you, obviously. That is from, we'll call her, Oskie.

OK, sweet, Oskie. What do you, how, how viscous or watery is your seed? So is that a, I don't know if that's a personal question, but let's. You know, Finn Lizzie. Yeah. I have Finn Gizzy. So mine is not unlike low, nonfat skin milk. Right.

Yeah, borderline. It could be mistaken for urine if it weren't so cloudy. It is, I see. Interesting. So it's, it looks like a lemonade. It looks like lemonade faucet coming out quite. So it's yellow. Are you sure it's not pee?

Because it's, it looks like a lemonade. It's pre-cum. I don't have it. I have pre-cum. I have cum, which is not just pre-cum and post-coital cum, which is just, yeah, more of this almost clear. Almost like a, when you walk onto the. You basically only premature ejaculate.

Right. Exactly. You cloudy like the sand in a steady stream coming out of a clear, clear beach. So it's almost, it's almost completely translucent, slightly luminescent. But ultimately I'm infertile, not unlike this guy. Cool. I wonder, like to me, it's I feel like so often things like this are like it could be a sign of infertility and that's like a, a what?

Like a 0.01% chance or something. Like I wonder basically like question the medical. Would I mean, I'm sure it's like, it's yes, it could be assigned. Correlation could be a sign of many other things. Your diet, et cetera, how much water you drink. Right. So maybe, maybe it's too much to jump directly to infertility. Let's see, thick semen usually results from a higher than normal

concentration of sperm, high sperm concentration often indicates that you're able to more likely impregnate a female partner. Wow. So, okay. I guess, I guess she's spot on in that. Right, regard. Oh, here's a good question. What counts is thick.

It's tough. Cause exactly. How can you, how do you quantify thickness? You know what I mean? Mm hmm. Viscosity. When I nut, it's, it is, it's dense. It's like a marble.

Almost, yeah. It's basically, I pass a kidney stone every time. There's a syrup that you left outside to harden into sort of amber glue. Yeah. Jurassic Park style. There's, there's a mosquito off, didn't it? Yeah. Yeah, a prehistory.

And it is dino DNA. Dino DNA is the worst thing to call your own semen. Here comes dino DNA. That's what a really old person comes. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. It's a, this is a tough one. Again, I wouldn't bring it up, but she's asking us the best way to bring it up.

I think this type of thing, I always advocate for pretending like you just noticed. So next time you see his comments, like, wow, that's, that's pretty watery. Is that, that's like, rather than usual for you even, not even because it's fine usually, but I just noticed that it's what's going on there. I wonder if anything's going on. And then you kind of have, you help him to question the seed. And then that, that moves into, oh, I was just helping, you know, you weren't like, you aren't the person being like, what, hey, something is wrong with your come.

Yeah. She's like, you just say, what's up with it? Yeah. I'm not saying anything's wrong. I'm just curious about it. And then he says, now I must, now, now I think something's wrong. And I'll look into it. Yeah.

Yeah. It's so much, it's so much, you know, the Incubus song, it's so much better. So it's so much wetter when everyone is thin. Are you thin? Maybe she turns it into this sort of like a weird Alask science song. Yeah. I have no idea what song that is that Incubus song. Yeah.

I think it's called, are you in or something? That's cool. We were talking about white musicians earlier. I thought you're on board, but yeah. I mean, I Brandon. Right. His name Incubus also, to me, only has one song. It's that pardon me while I burst.

Pardon me while I burst. Yeah. Who's that guy? Brandon, something. Um, let's I mean, if we're talking about white musicians, it seems like his name would be Brandon. Yeah. Yeah.

Brandon Boyd. I remember that because Avi Tal had a huge crush on him growing up and he followed her on TikTok whoop-de-woo. Really? Is that okay with you? It's fine. I mean, they're coffee buddies now. So what can I do to stop that?

He can follow whoever he wants. They are coffee buddies. They started a little club, like a daily coffee tea thing. And they text and snap. That seems so much you got to snap chat for him. He's a vegan. So is there is it possible that he's like, are they hooking up is what I'm saying? Because like, I'm just, I feel like he's European because they do like

smooch a little bit. I'm wondering if they're hooking up. I'm wondering if he's fucking your girlfriend because. When everyone is in, I wouldn't sing a song. I wouldn't sing a song if I were you, because he's cuckolding you at it. Yeah, he's made a cuckold of you, Blumenfeld. Avi Tal is getting a daily coffee with him. They're exchanging pleasantries on multiple apps.

Snap chat. Yeah. Snaps that screams of nudes. It reeks real of cyber real relationship. And they actually Marco Polo each other. If you can imagine, it's too much. It's too much. She has a fucking burner because she's afraid that I'll see all the apps

they communicate on. God damn it. I mean, just looking at him, he aged really well, too. So he's sort of like what's his last long gray hair, Brandon Boyd. OK. Brandon Charles Boyd. Brandon Boyd. And yes, he has a sleeve. You know, he has a sleeve.

You don't even have to bring up the fact that he has a sleeve. Pardon me while I burst into a mirror's girlfriend flame. All right. So you would bring it up in a way that's like, hey, I just realized whoa, this is an interesting thing right now. What's up with that thinking about it? That's I think that's what I would do. I think that's what I would do.

OK. But I don't know how long they've been dating because like. Also, what does it fully matter really? Like, does she want him to do something about it? Is there something you can do about it? Or is it just like that is the other if if there's not anything he can do about it, then it's kind of like I wouldn't bring it up. Yeah, it says like where loose fitting pants and underwear or maintain a healthy body weight, reduce alcohol, quit smoking.

Oh, so there are things to thicken it up. Yeah, you can take supplements, I bet. How maybe be my juice as a as like a daily vitamin that would work. Let's take a break. Let's. You should sit in that for a second. OK. Yeah. OK. Because he's not going to obviously eat your jam like a let's take a break.

You said it. You said it. Let's go. Yeah, let's go. Let's go. We'll be back. We'll be back after these messages. All right, nice. For sure. For sure. For sure. It was a crazy game of poker.

Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute

honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't I don't sleep for the better part of I do not. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it because you got the mattress and it was great. Or yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress,

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based on how you fill up that sleep preference. And they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helix sleep dot com slash if I were you, that's 20 percent off. Amazing. Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you.

That don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude dot com.

I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace dot com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 percent off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace dot com slash if I were you free trial.

Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10 percent off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, it's a letter to the fire. Well, I'm coming. Yeah.

You and I both do. We both do, right? Yeah, well, mine is to not get the booster. Yours is to get the booster. So we can sort of discuss both sides. We're talking about the same thing, at least. Yes, we're talking about actually you can get a flu shot and a booster now. And it's just a good reminder because a lot of people are like you're able to get these things

and they're free. And whether or not it prevents you getting the covid or the flu. Depends on a whole litany of factors. But it should help how your body reacts to it if you do get it. So you'll probably get a milder version of covid if you do. Yeah, think about how much you wanted the vaccine when they weren't available and try to apply that to now because now they're now they're everywhere. You can walk in just about any place and get them before you have to wait weeks.

Yeah, sign up, try to maybe lie. Oh, I think I'm over 50. I think I'm immunocompromised now. And nothing's changed. Who will still save you? Who will still save you from from dying from covid? So yeah, that's good. Yeah, so protect yourself for free.

I mean, there's did you have any side effects? I had I felt a little icky the next day, but ultimately fine. I did not. But I haven't had any side effects. But I also heard that having side effects means that it's you're like building more antibodies or something. So you know, that makes sense because my side effects have been bad, but I haven't gotten covid.

Interesting. Yeah. And I haven't had any side effects. The sickest I've been was from the side effects, but those go away after like 12 hours. Interesting. But I'm going to test that theory this weekend in Las Vegas. Cool. Yeah, keep us posted. So I'm just going to go whole hod full throttle and see if this

vaccine is going to do anything. And then if I don't get sick, you'll know that it was true. My work, you're going to a rave, right? I'm going to a Dave. A Dave rave, a danger, a danger. That's 32 degree high planes, freezing cold, silent disco. You earned it. You earned it, man.

Two years of not doing anything. Yeah. But inside burning. Right. You're going to a reentry party. I went to those once in San Francisco. Everybody came back and we're talking. Why did you go dressed weird? I think my brother was invited and we just went to a restaurant slash bar where it was a reentry party.

Yeah, the reentry parties. I don't understand how people were able to do that. There's like parties leading up. There's there's parties leading up to burning, man. And then and then after burning, man, you need to have the reentry parties because you can't just go cold turkey back to back to the real world. But like, how do you have several weeks to just party nonstop? Yeah, it's like going on a bachelor party and partying for an entire weekend

and then coming back on partying on Monday night. It's like, yeah, aren't you tired? Right. They're not. Attired is the thing. They actually they love gain energy from the parties. Yeah, exactly. Would you ever go back to burning, man? I would. It'd be a different experience.

So I think I would. But you're ever intrigued enough to like look at the the rates and the the schedule and anything or you would need somebody else. No, I think I would need like a group of people are going and they're like going for the first time and they invite me and I am like, oh, yeah, I'll go too. I would need a lot of people going and then I would be into it. But I don't think I would like I wouldn't try to muster anybody to go back. Yeah, who did you go with?

It was me, me, Rosie, Nick Radd, Nick's wife. And then my girlfriend at the time and her friend and her friend's boyfriend. I think at the time, you got to get them back together. You think at least the WhatsApp thread to share some photos crew. I finally back to civilization. I know it's been nine plus years.

But yeah, I feel like they're all like married to other people now. So it'd be super weird. Yeah, I could see that. Yeah, I could. Would you go? Would you want to go with me? I would go if you went. Of course not. Yeah, of course, I wouldn't want to go.

How dare you? What if I get a headache? Yeah, you barely want to go. There's no gambling. That's the issue. Yeah, there's not even money. Yeah, you gamble with hugs. They say there's no money, but you can spend money there.

There's a way. Yeah. Coffee is the only thing that's for sale in the in the center of the playa. Caffeine, but they sell it. Yeah, they sell it. They take your cash. I actually wouldn't mind going there and setting up this like mobile fills coffee slash Pete slash Starbucks situation. Starbucks.

We accept Apple Pay. Yeah. So you bring like a a cold brew on tap and then all of a sudden you're kind of like this coffee god. You make like a shit ton of cash. Yeah. Well, a lot of people do stuff like that. They bring food, they bring drinks. But the idea is that that's the gift giving.

Right. So my competitive advantage in that would be your shit is for sale. Yeah, keep your gifts. All I want is you give you give me the gift of cash. Yes. And I I feel the gratitude from that. And I turn it into, I don't know, a little smoothie stand when I get back to the real world or some shit.

It doesn't really matter what I plan on the money. I can have like a little shack next to a taco stand that says like a mere smoothies or something. And I need like $50,000 for like this is a very well thought out business. I'm just saying like part of a parking lot or some shit and like just blend fruit and sell it for eight ninety five for twelve ounces or ten ninety five or sixteen and we'll call it like Amir's special smoothies or something like that.

And why do you why are you so fixated on this? I'm just saying I don't fucking need the money. But if I had, if I came into some cash, I would probably try to fart out this weird side hustle slash business I've been thinking about for a little. That's you selling smoothies at Burning Man. No, once I'm back in California to lease or rent out part of a parking lot next to a taco truck

that says Amir's smoothies. OK, I'm able to sort of piggyback off the success of a pretty popular truck or business. Why is that weird or because you know, because you have much a bigger, you have a bigger opportunity for success doing anything else. You're a comedian, you're a writer, you can try to sell a TV show. You can try to create another podcast.

You run a company show about the smoothies might not be a bad idea. Yes, because it's not a good business idea, smoothies. It's what if I invented Jamba Juice? But what if I reinvented Jamba Juice? Would you say if I if Jamba just didn't exist and I came up with this business basically called Jamba Juice, I bet you'd be like, that's a stupid idea, right? Yeah, probably because it's not it isn't anything

because you didn't come up with any business. You're saying I'll have a smoothie company or I'll have a smoothie store and call it Jamba Juice. But you don't like by the way, Jamba Juice was basic as shit. My smoothies are insane. Jamba Juice, fine. What do you think? You think that your recipes are what's going to differentiate you exactly.

So basically, the what you're getting for my smoothie store is so unique that you can't help but talk to your friends about it or write about it. What are you getting? What's what's on the menu? Give me a couple of smoothies. Easy. Sure. Blue corn moon. That's a name. That's of a smoothie. That's blue spirulina, corn, bananas,

cheese, curds, peanut butter, granola. Sounds like cow nibs. It sounds awful. And that's blue corn. OK, so it has basically it's got a cow nib. That's the chocolate taste. It's got peanut butter as cheese, curds, and it has corn.

Well, corn, yeah. Just for the what's the what's the base? The texture. What's the base? The the base is either you and you can basically do this with any base. Like it doesn't matter. It's either water or hemp milk. OK, OK. And that's the only options.

You only have water or hemp milk. You don't have almond milk. You don't have soy. You don't have juice. Some people like apple juice, not at first. So you have corn and cheese, curds, but no that's one of them. But like imagine the Instagram. You don't even have a smoothie.

Oh, milk or a purple smoothie. It would taste bad because it has cheese, curds, and peanut butter. Give me another. That's blue corn. Moon, is there any other smoothie on the menu? Because you said the smoothie. OK, go ahead. Everybody loves raisin. Everybody loves a pun on everybody loves Raven. No, everybody loves Raymond, actually.

But it's not really a pun. It's just parallel. Yeah, that's so raisin would have been the other. It's actually not that either. Right. What's in that one? What's in that? So raisin, grapes, avocado oil, grape seed, grapes, cacao nibs, of course, hemp milk, chia seeds or chia seeds, depending on which part of L.A. you're from.

And then soda or pop, depending on where in America you're from. And then, so, you know, that's a different base, by the way. You said you only had milk or you had water or hemp milk, but now you can you can do pop and rice. I was going to say cooked rice. Yes, cooked rice, blended up real nice. So it's almost like a frothy kind of raisin. E like if you've ever had like.

Rice, I never had like Iranian food or excuse me. So it's rice, grapes, soda. And cacao nibs, avocado oil, rice, grapes. You said cacao nibs. You said and what's in the blue corn moon again? Just if you're building the menu, I think you should be able to rattle that off. That one's blue spirulina, which is very expensive and makes things kind of cool. Corn, yeah.

So right off the bat, it's blue corn and cheese, curds, peanut butter, the base, which is either hemp, milk or water, granola and cacao nibs. It's a lot of it is cacao nib forward. And then yeah, there's only one other smoothie and it's the black. It shouldn't be cacao nib forward, by the way. Those are those are just top of garnish garnish. Yeah, like I wouldn't make that.

The last smoothie is black. There's only three. Yeah, the last smoothie is black or white. OK, so Michael Jackson song. Oh, yeah, I guess so. So have you seen like a charcoal ice cream where it's like really black? They get like charcoal to like infuse into the thing and it looks black, basically. Yeah. So it's like that.

Or you can get it without that. So it's black or white. And it's that one is rice, corn, cacao nibs. Oh, oat milk. That's a new base. That's a different base. You said I say you said originally your base options were were water or hemp milk, then you added pop and now you've added oat milk.

Well, milk just for the black or white and then banana. Whatever, normal shit, banana, potatoes, whatever, potatoes, parsnips. Everything, everything that's like a white can be. So it's either a white smoothie or or you add the charcoal and that makes it black. Right. And but none of these will taste three bucks. Don't focus. You're you're focused on the wrong thing. I am very concerned about pricing nine or 13 ounces.

Nine or 13 ounces. They don't make cups that sizes. I don't think I'd have to get a 10 and a 14. And OK, downshift, basically leave an ounce off. So it looks a little empty at the top. Yeah, how much are you charging because you said three. Hmm, I said seven ninety nine for a small and thirteen ninety nine for a large. I don't remember that.

OK, that's actually that's pretty cheap. Yeah, that's really that's not very expensive for exactly for a smoothie. And I'm wondering then just like, what are you, where are you getting? Where are you sourcing your corn? Where are you getting your rice? The kakao nibs. What's your price per pound on the nibs? If this is like an actual pitch where like you're thinking of investing, I'll let you know, otherwise, it's not worth it for me to like.

Waste my energy and effort. I didn't realize you were seeking investment. You didn't say any of that. So what does my money get me for $50,000? OK, you get the kit and caboodle. And with a whole hog, I get I own the whole I work for you. I'm your whatever. I won't even do smoothies if that's I just need the cash.

And I need a job. You're asking. This is a job interview. I really just need 50 grand to start my honestly, my dream side hustle. Why did you spend so much time thinking about this one? That was to get me to the from A to B to get my foot in the door. OK, what's your dream side hustle? The corn dog truck idea that I had. But don't say this idea that I like like different

batters with the different wieners. You know, the fucking idea I fucking told you this shit before offline. But I think we're saying it right. That does sound familiar. Yeah, because it's yeah, you can have different batters and different rainers. But I don't want to like get into too much into it because I feel like someone can jack that this is that's an actual idea that you had, right? Yeah, yeah.

So it could be blue corn with chicken, apple, sausage or something. Most of your smoothies, they the ingredients sounded like they were batter. For. Yeah, one thing sort of feeds into the next kind of like you basically just added spirulina and accountants to what I think is like a batter, a batter, yeah, cornmeal. Yeah, yes, exactly. So like if people are already hooked on the smoothies, which hopefully they are. One thing will lead to another.

And then it's like, why don't you just try to start? It's don't make this weird bet on smoothies because you think that's a more viable business. Just pitch the business that you are passionate about, that you actually sausages and batter. Yeah. Yeah. Have you been to worst Cooch downtown? Of course, of course, they have like really cool sausages, right? But they don't have much batter, right?

And I've even to like a like a batter restaurant or something like that, but they have good batter, but they don't really have the sausages. I don't get your pitch different because I've been to a good sausage place. I've never been to a better place. Like the angle shouldn't be that these two things exist separately. And they should be together. Yeah, yeah, because it's kind of more innovative than that, basically.

Right. It's like the pitch is like, what's your favorite part about going to the town fair? It's the corn dogs. And I wish I could get them year round, but I can't eat out of a stand at a carnival every single day. Yeah, you have to make it gourmet. And how do you do that? How do you do that? You hire May.

Who's May? That's like a slant rhyme on me because they have to go or you say, it has to be gourmet and to hire to get that you'd hire me. Interesting. OK. What do we have to wear? The weird ass shit that they make you to put on at hot dog on a stick? A uniform. Yeah, like the hat there. They were the weird hat and shit.

They have like a weird hat, like a fucking apron and weird bibs and stuff like that. Like I'm all for safety. Like I don't want to get burned in the truck. Yeah, but I don't have to wear weird shit, like a bow tie or something like that. The only thing that you would have to. So you wear a chin strap because that's that's how you dip the dog. You you have the dog dangling off the chin, almost like a family feud style physical challenge.

Yeah, exactly. Because you so you can serve everybody with a smile. Like people watching a video can see what I'm doing. But right, we should say you can watch this on YouTube. But basically, Jake is smiling and pantomime dipping his face sausage in the back of your chin into the batter, which is searing hot. Yeah, but I guess it stops at the stick.

So you wouldn't have to necessarily get too close to your chin. Right. Yeah, ideally, you're not putting your chin into the batter. I'm sure it happens from time to time. But small price for service of the smile. Yes, exactly. Right. That's why it's called smile dogs or something like that. Smile dogs is actually really good. Chin dogs or something.

Chin dogs is also pretty fun. Even blue corn dogs or something. Right. Blue corn smile could work. I really just need 50 grand. Can I have a check for 50? Have I been here long enough? I really just need that check. Actually, if you guys are listening at home,

you can PayPal me if you want to own the smoothie business. Nice. And then we can talk if you're more interested in what's your PayPal. I think it's just my phone number. Yeah, which is, can you just give everyone your phone number? It should be online somewhere. If you go to the Better Business Bureau. Right. Wanted list. Whitepages.com.

You can reverse name search. Yeah. My real name, of course. Right. Andy Blumenthal. Right. Before it was changed for show business. Yeah, might as well. Josh Gurevich at Ellis Island slash William Morris behest. All right, let's take one more break. Think one more sponsor.

Come back and answer another question for Christ's Sakes. This isn't just about our cockamamie schemes. BRB. Yep. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer, and they can bring the post office in your office.

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That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah.

Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting. Yeah. My first child, we got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now,

but they are they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo. Yeah, frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole.

This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah.

Like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A Frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off

plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A Frames dot com. OK, go get your parents something. All right, and use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura.

And now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Yep. All right, we got a question about neighbors hating me. Neighbors, we'll call this guy Ned Flanders. Good shit. Heidi Ho Neighborino. Right. I, 27 male, have had a problem, but it doesn't have anything to do with sex or relationships. Everything is going fine for me in that department.

I'm happily married with kids. So my wife and I just bought a new house in June, and it seems like every single one of my neighbors on the street automatically hated us the second we moved in. Interesting. Basically, what happened was the first month we lived here, our house got a small amount of groundwater in the basement, but the house was designed for that.

So it has some pump built in the pump pump. Yeah, a sump pump. The issue my neighbors had was that the sump pump pumps water back into the back alley, and they did not like having a wet back alley for some reason. Four people called the town on me and my neighbor directly to my left never spoke to me after I said hi right to his face. He also drives on my lawn to park his car in front of my house.

But I obviously can't say anything to him because he already hates me. It sucks that they're all so angry with me, but my only other option would be to flood my basement. It's November now and the water is long gone, but they seem pissed. What's a guy to do? Thanks. Hmm. Wow. I mean, neighbors are tough because you don't know what you're getting in a neighbor. It could be anybody like think about like anybody in your city.

You can just live right next to what are the odds of it being a normal person. Totally. There's people that are kind of wacky, like down our block, but they could easily just live right next door to me. Right. I like I like my neighbors on both sides. They're both that's good. They're they're all different. And like they're very they're fun in their own ways. You know, all characters.

I have some neighbors that are very friendly. I'm more of like a keep your head down, smile and nod. I'm not like, hey, how's it going? Yeah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh my God, that's so cool. Like, yeah, I think a lot of them are starting to get together and like have like little community groups. So maybe I am the asshole neighbor to them. You just might just be quiet.

I'm I think I'm in between you and the like I will chat with my neighbors and we always say we're going to have a back. We're going to get together and then nobody ever makes that move, which I think is the appropriate amount that feels like to me. Yeah, you don't want to actually hang out with these neighbors, do you? They're pleasant. They're great to run into. I don't like I wonder and I guess it would be fun to hang out with some neighbors every once in a while, because you just talk shit about

other neighbors, which could be fun. Yeah. And it's I will say that it is helpful, like sometimes when like something is going wrong with the specific part of your street to like, yeah, be able to like discuss. Oh, do you see this tree that fell? Oh, wow, there's a fucking coyote infestation here. Oh, what do you think about this neighbor or something like that? So it is nice to have access to talk to the neighbors.

Yeah, it's not nice to be blacklisted, to be shunned. No. And. Yeah, I wonder. It's kind of weird because, like, it feels like you have reason to be mean to at least the neighbor that drives on your lawn. Like, yes, I don't think these two things should be. One doesn't preclude the other. Like, maybe they're mad that your water went out into the alley, but, like, you can separate from that.

Just be like, you can't drive on my grass. That's right. That's not loud. That's obviously worse than the water that evaporates, right? Daryl, come on, Cliff, back me up here. I think if it were me, I would actually see if there was another solution for where the sump pump water could go. Like, is it 100 percent has to go to the alley? Like, because if if you're not going to drink it and piss it out into a toilet,

that's completely untenable. There's no way. Yeah, because it's several inches of water in a full basement. So you can't drink it like that. It's probably toxic in some regards. Yeah, I mean, you can have a glass and hope for the best, but that's not helping. It's not solving the problem of the flood. Yeah. And why would you do that? Why would you just approve that you're willing to be a team player?

But I wouldn't recommend that either. Don't then don't float it. Then don't float it like that. You're saying it casually like it's an option that would not. I think it's not an option. It's not. I think it's not even an option. Yeah, bring it up. Yeah, you keep talking about fucking drinking toilet water as a means of like.

I don't know, some finding some middle ground with these monsters. Yeah, and you think it could work? I don't not at all. OK, absurd. Yeah, I agree. It's almost as dumb as like just like think of random dumb idea X. Like, don't. Yeah, you do that. Don't let's not think of random dumb idea X because we're trying to come up

with actual constructive good ideas. True, true, true, true, true, that, that. Why don't you stop talking? Why don't you stop? Wow, and the truth comes barreling out. How do you like that conversation? Because one guy has an idea and the other guy says, I wouldn't drink the water. Yeah, yeah.

You're not so smart as 12. Right. And finally, Jake's got it. He's had enough, everybody. Oh, no. You want to like do without you. You can't go toe to toe with a real person that has real ideas because you're sort of just playing this character of like, yeah, I think this is this is obviously dumb.

But it's like, right, it is stupid, it is stupid. But you can't come up with a good idea. All you can do is come up with your actual ideas and then say they're stupid because they are. But it's like you need to call them out. And that's right, in order to like sort of defend myself against this invisible army or some shit. All things bizarre, man.

It's a strong man. Yes, it's a strong man. It's a bad faith argument. Yeah, it's it's a logical fallacy. There's no way you can put a sponge the size of a fucking Volkswagen in your basement and have it soak in the water. That's not anything, right? I think I would see if there was another place the water could go.

And then you could go to your neighbors with a clear conscience and be like, I tried to see if there was any place like the sun pump water could go. It seems like it like it's always going to go in the alley. So I'm sorry. And I think like coming to them hat in hands being like this, the options are water goes in the alley or it floods my basement. What would you have me do flood the basement? And I think that's what they'll say.

It's possible. I think it's probably not because people tend to be more judgmental of things that they don't actually understand. So to them, they're like, oh, this asshole chose to fucking spray his water all into the the alley. Yeah, you're saying the pipes are designed this way. It's the only place you can go. And the other the other option is that my house floods.

They would probably be like, OK, well, at least you talk to us. At least you told us. So that's what you have to do. Fine. That's what I'll do. I'll talk to my neighbors about where my water should go. Barring that you can drink all of it and piss it into the potty or get a big sponge and soak it up and actually rain that out into your mouth

and then swallow that and then piss that into the potty. Sort of like a positive feedback. So exactly. Yeah, circle of lifestyle, precisely. All right, let us know how it goes. Keep us posted. And if you guys have your own questions, please don't hesitate. We need more cues to a if I were to show at gmail.com.

We're running right. Running low, running low, folks. So let us know about your problems. Running low. Let us know. And you can watch more of us on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J. Hey, yeah, we're watching Jake and Amir episodes commenting on them.

It's been fun. Yep. How do you recommend? Oh, yeah. And you can also send theme songs much like who was it that sent the jet? I don't know if we ever said who sent the genitals on limits. I don't think we did. And that's a great theme song. We did them a disservice, a dishonor.

OK, promotion is in order. He co-hosts the Hardy and Sons podcast that goes chapter by chapter through the Hardy Boys series. Oh, nice. I think you can do that, Joe. This is funny. You can find it at Hardy and Sons.dentist. It's perfect. I didn't know that was a domain extension.

Hardy and Sons.dentist. These guys look funny. My full name, all lowercase, no spaces.com. That's the that's his URL is HTTP. Colin, backslash, backslash. My full name, all lowercase, no spaces.com. Oh, my God. It's got we got a jokester on our hands, folks.

I love it. He's creative. All right. That was Sean Hotley. So thank you to Sean. Sorry, we got to your promotion at the end. But at least we got to it. And thanks to you guys for listening. Thank you. And of course, we'll be back next Monday.

Indeed. Ciao for now. Bye. There was a decorated co-host with a mic of gold that spoke weakly to a chipmunk who's old and logged episodes of advice that they have told a Casanova in his own time. But on the eve of your promotion or your second date,

the old co-host was lacked into discussion. So he did in debate with a frail uncle who struggled to find the word. He muttered to earn the 30. So email. If I were you, the podcast, these two Jews will outlast your sophomore year relationship. You said, I love you too fast, so they've put you on blast right before this workspace ad.

That was a hit gum original.