If I Were You - 572: Polar Plunge

Episode Date: December 26, 2022

In this episode we discuss skipping parties, tweeting retirement, and eating garbage. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Speaking of safe and risky, Bitcoin down 200 since we started this episode. No way. I mean, we are on one minute. My father told me to beware the chipmunk, to cause himself to lose. Hark, this is schmuel. I'm gonna sell all my Bitcoin.

I'll have it going ding, dong, ding. Hark how the schmuel's, all of the schmuel's, they seem to say come to LA, Jake and Amir are always near. All is OK on a Monday. Yes, it's Amir, this is my year. Time for a change, flex at my range. Fuck all the fans, screw all the stands.

My name is schmuel. Welcome to... Don't call me that. My name is schmuel. Maybe one thing I've learned clean, if you will. Jake is a strainer. Happy Hanukkah cheer. Look, I'm sorry to kill you.

Maybe I've just got burned, but it's burned too many times by the surfer dude. Only witness to too many crams, too many blunders. Mapo, mapo, it's like even crime numbers, but your number's up. I'm trying to put you to sleep. This schmuel calls for thee.

He needs time as you weep. He needs time as you weep. He said, will you defeat the chipmunk and all these crypto empire and bankrupt, bankrupt free? Ten years, when will it stop? Who will go first? Jake got laid down long.

The day I get laid off, schmuel's bells uncursed. Fuck, nearly faulty, but it's cool now. Again, I have a part to play till I die from my dieting. But not yet. Not today. I know diabetic and play, cause I swear that I'll make the slam dunk, take the munk out of chipmunk.

I'm no small fry. That's right, I'm not ascetic. And I swivel like a 5-10 squirrel, the next gen nuts. I'm not talking about the balls in my jeans that make jakes look like skittles. I'm talking about trees. What I store in every seed that I gather, whatever the weather, I'm conscientious.

Free to catch you a few for the winner. Never pour, never late, always punctual. Keep every almond and date like it's my niece's nuptial. But if you want to berate schmuel, take a shot. Season cheese, like a metapod, I harm that's right. I know fed and fellow, I'm shed on it. Endure it when I'm old. But you better like weighting, cause baby is cold outside

and this schmuel's hibernating. Heart to the schmuel. Shut up, you tall. Jake, you know I love you really. I'm crying. I didn't know that would happen like that. I thought it was just a horrible song. You didn't realize it was an opus?

I didn't realize it was an opus. I didn't realize it was a magnum. Yeah. It wasn't just a standard opus. That was actually a magnum opus. It was a musical condensed into three beautiful harrowing minutes. It made me realize that we should write a play or something. We're like, I'm my character is sort of going through some shit

and it's like, you know, I'm on stage and tossing and turning and crazy images are playing above me and then that song is going on in the background or something. Yeah, definitely. There is some kind of like Greek tragedy to our act, I would think. You're schmuel the chipmunk destined to always get an award made of shit. There's something there. There is some, the triumph and the despair.

It's Matthew Pope. It's his take on Carol of the Bells, but also references the Black Parade as well as the movie Interstellar. Yeah. I mean, that's who we need to like theater direct our play, I think. That's right. Massive shout out to your listeners, Becca and Gilgen. I don't know them, but out of the blue they donated a hundred Canadian dollars

to my charity fundraiser. I'm swimming 50 times for 50 homeless people to have a Christmas this winter. So kind of them and unexpected. I believe that's Becca Gilgen. Oh, look at that. So it's one person, Becca Gilgen. I think, but I'm not in time. I'm pretty sure.

I'm pretty sure I know Becca. I hope it's not too cheeky to ask you guys to plug my fundraiser. Would be awesome if just one person listening decided to check it out. Putting my progress on my YouTube channel, Matthew Pope, where there's also a link to my Just Giving page. Link to that too, which is justgiving.com slash page slash Matthew Pope. Nice. You can search that.

Hope this can feature before Christmas, but I know it's probably too late. I believe this is coming out Monday, December 26th. Right. So, so it's going to be two. No one will be able to go to the page unless you can donate after the fact. We'll have to give something right now as a token of our apology slash esteem. Yeah. Yeah, we will.

We'll have a Monday, December 26th boxing day and my mom's birthday and Pat Castle's birthday, who's also doing some sort of polar bear plunge I see on social media. Yes. I'm actually doing that with him. Oh, really? Yeah. It's funny. He's like sort of actively promoting and trying to raise awareness and funds for this

thing. And you're, what are you doing exactly? You're also doing the plunge part or are you doing this? I just think it'll be fun to go swimming in the winter. That's unique to me. I'm actually doing two polar plunges this Christmas. So what does that mean? Where are you going and why?

I'm going to the one, there's like, there's one the day after Christmas in New Haven. And then there's one on New Year's Day on Coney Island. That's the one Pat's doing. Where do they dive in and then you swim or you just dive, jump in, jump out? I think you like run in and run out. I don't think you like, you know, lounge in the ocean. I think it's like run, dunk. Maybe splash around a little bit.

Come out. My problem with the, the polar plunge, which is it's cold. Yeah. It's no surprise. Too cold. And I can't, I can't heat up. Like there's no, once I'm cold to my bones like that, it's like, oh, let's get out and get a towel.

No, it's 38 degrees out. And now I'm shivering, pale teeth, chattering until when an hour and a half later until I can get into a shower or something. Your adrenaline is going like, I think also it's so cold that coming out will feel, you'll feel a little bit warmer. It'll feel like relief. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, I don't know.

I guess we'll see. I've never gone full on ocean swimming in December. I went swimming in Maine in November, this past November. Wow. So that was, it was pretty cold, but it was a nice day. It was like 60 and sunny. Yeah. What if it's snowing on the day in like Christmas day or whenever, 1st of January.

Yeah. You wake up. I did look at sleet. I looked at the weather. What if it's sleeting? It's not good. It's not going to be sleeting, but Sunday morning is going to be 15 degrees. And like.

15 Fahrenheit. Yeah. So that's negative 12 or something. Honestly, if it could do it Friday, it's supposed to be 57. So that'd be perfect. 57 to 15. Yeah. That nor'easter cold front.

That's our brave new world. Yeah. I imagine it would be windy too. Would you still do it if it's 15? Yeah. If it's 15, you're outside in a jacket and it's still not warm enough. You're going to take your clothes off and chuck wet. I'm going to do it no matter what.

Yeah. Come outside 15. That's right. That's right. I'd be too afraid of getting sick. Yeah. I mean, I had COVID recently. I feel like I'm pretty immune to.

Even pneumonia or some cold related illness or something. Right. I guess I could have that. Yeah. Although I hear like that's not actually how it works. Like you can't get a cold from being cold. That's just like. Right.

An old wives tale or something. Yeah. I think I remember just like when you're cold, that's your nose runs and then like it's easier to transfer sickness, right? Right. Because your immune system is lower than this or like indoors with more people and that's what makes you sicker than usual. But I'm curious.

I'm curious. One, you should take pictures and or video and two. Right. If you'll get sick, you can be the guinea pig, the litmus test for me. Yeah. Yeah. We'll find out. There should be one where you, it's like 85 and sunny and you jump into a pool that's

like, ooh, it's a little cold. Yeah. I think they do them everywhere. Yeah. But then ultimately it's fine. I thought the Gabriel's did the one in Coney Island, but he's, he does it in Malibu. So it's like that's, I feel like that's probably what you're thinking of. Yeah.

But I wouldn't want to do it in January. It's still bracing. It's still pretty chilly. It's cold. It's chilly. Yeah. It's cold. Yeah.

It's cold. Honestly, the Pacific might be more cold than the Atlantic. I don't know. Oh, really? Even in the winter? I don't know. I'm not a fucking marine biologist. Let's move on.

Yeah. We're just sort of making small talk before the introduction of the show. Yeah. Sorry. I'm in a weird mood. I'm in a weird place. Really? I'm in a weird space.

Oh, harness that actually. It's, if I were you, the only advice pod on the web hosted by us. And I'm going to be giving cash to Matthew Pope who's swimming for Christmas if I can remember to. That's awesome. How much cash are you going to give between 50 and 100 bucks? And that's what I say when I give like 20. Yeah.

Right. No one's going to look. Oh, of course not. I don't know how Becca Gilgain or Becca and Gilgain found this guy's fundraiser already. Do you know? No idea. Twitter or Discord or something. Hmm.

Interesting. Maybe he tweeted at us to give and we didn't see it. Or maybe at Discord. Who knows? Did you like the World Cup finals? Were you happy with the result? Yeah. I mean, I thought that was a really incredible game of football to go out on.

Two of the best countries. It's a finger in the eye of anyone who said they were protesting the World Cup because it was in Qatar. Because everybody was like here. Yeah. Take this, the best final of all time for everybody who sat this one out. Yeah. It was, I mean, incredible.

In Krayabla or in Kray Mbappe. That's really good. Yeah. Mbappe did score three goals, not enough. A World Cup hat trick. It's just not enough when you're playing Lionel Messi and the team of Destiny, the beautiful dream has come true. Yes.

The first final since Maradona in 1986. The hand of God. The hand of God. Who but Leo? The lion himself. Oh, the slipper still fits. What a strike. Team up.

Cross the line. Did it cross the line? I actually didn't watch it. I was seeing the, it was a Wizards Kings game. Yeah. That sort of stole my attention. What was the highlights? The first, Argentine was playing really well and that was fun to watch in the first half.

But then like, it was, it was a moderately boring game until, like, or a standard game until like the 72 minute mark or whenever France can't, like, scored again and kind of came back to life. I went to play basketball at 830. At 830, I went to play basketball and I'm like, okay, it's two zero. I saw the exciting parts. I had zero shots at that point. Yeah.

75 minutes in. Yeah. Did not shoot. Not even shoot. Yeah. They couldn't get Mbappe the ball. They subbed off like two, two people before halftime. Just like, it's not working.

Not working at all. Then we started playing basketball and someone's like, ah, it's two, two. We're like, how it was zero to four minutes ago. I was like, yeah, Mbappe scored twice in two minutes, which I didn't know was possible, but I guess one of them was a penalty kick. Right. The penalty was like, it was dumb, but you're like, okay, it's just, it's a penalty. They still don't really have it.

Exactly. And then his second goal was like, was truly magical. Yeah. And that was. He did some sort of slide tackle goal situation before the ball even hit the ground. Yeah. Yeah. Like kicked it on the ball.

Yeah. Sweeping leg kick slash goal. Yeah. A give and go. I mean, and then also like, it really seemed like France was going to win in. Outright. Extra time. Like they were just not even, it wasn't going to go to extra time.

They're just about to win. Yeah. Because they had turned it on. Yeah. And then by the time the penalty kicks happened, we had stopped playing basketball and we were just watching on our phones, live streaming the, the penalty kicks. But it seemed like most people that I was with was rooting for Argentina. Oddly enough, nobody, I guess cause France had just won and Argentina is like the last chance.

Yeah. I think that's kind of, I mean, both of these teams are, they're really good and they have huge fan bases. So it's kind of hard for me to like switch gears and be like, now I root for Argentina because it's like, just, oh, now I root for a golden state or something. Yeah. I can't just become an Argentina. You'd have to have been rooting for them the entire time, but I did want to see Messi

win his World Cup. It did kind of feel like the Cavs golden state thing where it's like, okay, the Warriors just won and now LeBron, an older, elder statesman on his way out potentially is just trying to get one more for his home city slash country or whatever. Right. And then they pulled it off. Yeah, I think it was, yeah. It's kind of exact.

It was very similar. That's, it's, there's a lot of parallels for sure. And then, yeah. And it was also cool to see like, I, I know Ronaldo's got a bad rap. I still love him, but the, you know, like Messi for being like an older goat was still so involved. Like this was still his team. Or twice.

It wasn't like, yeah, it wasn't like, Oh, he, he like, he just earned this more than anybody. Right. He was not like, he used to be really good and now he's still around. No, it's like, no, he's, he's scored in every match. And then Boppe got the golden boot for the whole World Cup. So at least a little something for the guy. Yeah.

He's 23. He's going to score a lot more goals. It seems like he's like already caught up with some records and he has like five World Cups left in him. Yeah. Yeah. It's going to be awesome. What do you think of Killian for a name?

Like, uh, if, if, you know, people are asking for boys names or honestly even girls names at Killian's K Y L L I A N. Yeah. Killian's a cool name for sure. Killian. It's like Jillian. Oh yeah. Yeah.

It's a lot. I Jillian, Killian and Jake. Yeah. I could change my name to Killian because it's kind of like it's Jillian and Killian. That's cool. Yeah. That's better. Well, if Jillian, if Jillian ended up with Mbappe, her name would be Jillian Mbappe and

his name would be Killian Jim Bappe. Why? He would take her initial as a token of his steam. How fucking romantic is that for a Killian to change his name to J M Bappe? If he was really going to do that to change his name to J M Bappe, I would let him cook me. Yeah. There's not really another way where I would allow that to happen unless it was Killian

Jim Bappe. And Jillian Mbappe. Yeah. She would just keep Mbappe. Well, you could also change your dog's name because it's still pretty early in the game there. Yeah. He's only six months old.

Dingo to Killian. I feel like he definitely- The Dingo to Killian pipeline feels ripe. Yeah. I don't know. It feels, it's like I agree that I could- Call him right now. Call him Killian right now.

Let's see. He'll definitely come to me. Right. Because of the tone, right? Right. If I just yell anything, if I yell any word, any name, he'll run over for sure. He gets excited at the tone of the music. Yeah.

He knows when I want him. And I'm Treat Man, so he'll come over. He knows what's good for him. I'm a Treat Man. I'm a Treat Treat Man. Yeah. I'm the guy that has cheese sometimes. The greatest thing an owner can be is sometimes you have cheese.

Oh, sometimes you have cheese, right? Remind me your name, dude. You're like Salt Bae, but with cheese. I've been doing Dingo's voice as like kind of this like strung out surfer guy who's like looking for cheese all the time. Oh, hey. Oh, hey. Do you have any cheese, man?

That's cool. Do you got cheese? Yeah. It sounds like also your impression of our friend Bennett. Oh, yeah. That was- Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Actually, Dingo and Bennett do have a lot in common. Right. Oh, you got any cheese, man? Oh, by the way, do you have cheese? You're a sea Bennett. He lives in New York. No, but I'm going to try to see him this spring because I think they do like Big Formula

One watch parties in their warehouse. Oh, snap. Yeah. So I'm going to check it out. All right. Let's take a break. Answer some fucking questions after these messages. Enough is enough.

Yeah. Amen. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah.

So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't. I don't sleep for the better part of it.

Excuse me. I do not brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test.

That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows. Amazing. Free pillows. Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet.

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Thank you, Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to

sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life.

And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. When you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase.

Thank you. Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, let's do this. Yeah, I do. Simple, short, sweet. Clean up your toolbar, folks.

That little task toolbar at the bottom of your computer. I'm assuming everybody has a Mac like me. Clean that shit up. Sorry. Did you call me a toolbar? Yeah. Clean up your life from toolbars. If you hang out with toolbars, don't text them anymore.

Don't see them. It's the holidays. It's time to shed that dead weight. Yeah. I got a lot of apps that I have never used, but I've never even thought to get like I'm so subconsciously used to the order that like if I got rid of this Apple TV app that I've never used, it might throw my entire shit off. I can hit remove from doc right now and I just never have.

Yeah. Remove from the doc, man. I have one, two, three, four. It looks like I have, yeah, I have 10. 10 down there. Music. Again, remember iTunes? They got rid of iTunes.

Why would you have that there? Whatever happened to iTunes, it was the most important thing in the world. Yeah. If you don't use it, you don't need it down at the toolbar. You shouldn't have to scroll around looking for what you want to open. Those seconds add up. If you don't use it, lose it. News.

Speaking of losing and newsing, the news. No need. No, no, no. I don't click on that thing. Yeah, get rid of it. Wow. Clean up your desktop while you're at it, folks. Your computer should be a Zen environment for you.

Yeah. My desktop is an absolute wasteland. I usually just use the Finder and it's all like got everything. Yeah. Like when I look at the desktop, it's like holy smokes and that's like fiatic. Yeah. Right. I'm a Finder kind of guy.

Yeah, I like the Finder. I actually don't use the Finder very much though. I do. I have a clean desktop, but I don't really need anything on my desktop either. Oh, because you just use applications, zoom, messages, email. Google Docs. Yeah. Everything is fine.

It's all findable. It's all Finder based at this point. You talked about not needing an iPad, but it seems like you need an iPad instead of a computer. Like you're not really using a lot of what makes a computer better than an iPad. Yeah. Probably, but I like the, I don't like touching the screen. I'm not interested in that.

You need a touch pad iPad to go with your iPad. But I had the iPad with the keyboard and I would still like touching the screen. It's like, I don't want to touch the screen and then also like watch stuff on it. Yeah. Not for me. Not for me. All right. Cool.

Did you finish White Lotus? We didn't even talk about the finale because you had not seen the last episode when we talked to Adam, aka Alvin. Yeah. I flew home the next day and I watched the finale on my flight. And? It was incredible. It was great.

It was really great. Did you like the ending? Were you? Yeah. 10 out of 10. Were you? You were tense and into it and then when it happened, you were enjoying it? I was, I mean, yeah, I was, I was kind of, I wouldn't say tense.

I was very, yeah, I know I was. I was definitely like, I was very, very curious. I was a little anxious and I kept on thinking different people were going to die. And I was like, there, I just need to not even think about it. But yeah, they did. They got me. It was great. Basically, Mike White got you.

He stuck the landing. He really did. So spoilers abound, I guess we should say, because I do, we're going to talk about it a little bit, right? Yeah. I mean, we can, but I was just curious if you enjoyed it as much as I did. Yeah. I mean, I thought it, I thought it was incredible.

I also just really liked how different this season was while staying kind of the same. Like in the first season, there was a death, but it was, it was really like born out of like a misunderstanding and a lot of like, you know, a perfect storm of stuff. And this season was like also kind of misunderstandings and perfect storms, but like a really nefarious plot. Yeah. So that was kind of, that was very interesting. Multiple nefarious plots.

Yeah. Yeah. So that was fun. Like there was something, there wasn't really that much happening in the first one, at least like that, that evil. So it was fun to play around with. Yeah. And did you notice the prostitute, like hugging the pimp character at the end was actually

a friend of hers and all that stuff? Yeah. I thought that, I thought that the entire time that like, I never thought that was the pimp. I thought like, I saw when she went over to him and they were speaking Italian, I was like, oh, she's telling him to like, be mean to her right now. Oh, that's cool. And then did you, that didn't get past me. The, what was the other part that I saw like a Reddit theory for, oh, like when Cameron

or when, what's Cameron's wife? That character for me. Yeah. Daphne was showing Aubrey Plaza's character, the kids, like that's actually my trainer's children. That's why. Yeah. That one I didn't, that one I didn't catch.

I was like that, I don't understand what's going on. Yeah. But yeah, then it like, so, so she's basically telling Aubrey Plaza, I've had an affair and I have somebody else's kids and that's how I like, don't feel like a victim because I have this like, fucking thing that I can always lord over him. And then, then it was really funny, like thinking back on when he's like flossing his teeth and he's like, pissed when he has to go say hi to them and he like, just shakes himself out of it and goes like, and smiles, it's like, damn, yeah, I loved it.

I mean, he knows they have both the healthiest and least healthy relationship. I can't tell if like, Daphne's got it all figured out. Yeah, just do something bad whenever something bad happens to you. And it's like, wait a minute, that's just creates a really terrible feedback loop. These people are going to kill each other soon, probably. Right. They have a pretty insane toxic relationship, but it seems like it works for them. And it seemed like, and it seemed like having a normal relationship wasn't working for

Ethan and I create Aubrey Plaza's character's name. Oh, yeah, Harper. Harper, yeah. I thought he was going to like kill somebody. Like the way he like, like he was such a boring twerp of a character. And then he slowly gradually got like so intense in me. And it was so funny when he's like, no, you're lying to me. You're still lying to me.

No, that was the truth. No, no, I don't believe you. And then he just storms out of the room. And I was like, I did think, I was like, wait, does one of these guys die? But it was too early in the episode, so I didn't think that they did. Do you think they all know, like when by the end, all four knew everything that happened or there are still secret permutations? I think that by the end, it seemed like Ethan was like, I don't care what she does

anymore, because now I've like learned this way of having an affair to like this like self soothing by being a piece of shit, basically. And and Aubrey Plaza's character had learned the same thing. And also now Ethan isn't mad at her. But and it seems like Ethan and Daphne got together. No, I don't think so. I think Daphne is the only one that knows everything. And I think Cameron doesn't know necessarily exactly what happened.

But he's like kind of blissfully unaware. He's like, I'm in this. This is the kind of relationship that I want to be. I also thought it was fun that he just like you see he that the fact that he paid the prostitutes and it like was kind of nonchalant. Like, yeah, I was always going to get you the money. He like seemed like a, you know, a good, bad guy by the end. That was a cool slide when he took it out of his jacket pocket

and slid it as he was talking to his wife. Yeah, yeah. Solid move. Theo James. What's it like having his number? I actually didn't didn't I'm getting it. Oh, all right. So it's just me and Adam that text him. Yeah, yeah, it's the other good dude.

Like he seems like an awesome guy. He's super funny. Seems funny. Yeah, I saw this. He does a really funny impression of you. It's so there's no way. Yeah, it's rude, but it's funny. It's like I couldn't. Recreate it because it's kind of offensive.

Yeah, but it's really funny. Yeah, he like pretends to be you offensive. Yeah, it's like fucked up in a way, but it's funny. Yeah, yeah, it sounds like it's funny. It sounds like you think it's really funny. It's really funny. It's a really it's like a really close impression of you, but he like obviously accentuates.

Yeah, how does he know? We like, yeah, we talk about you. Me and Adam, we showed him like sad little text that you send and stuff and like we showed him your TikTok. When you thought that was really, really funny, but not in like a not like a support that you would like. Yeah, right. Exactly.

He's laughing at me. Yes, precisely. Yeah. Thanks for clearing that up. It's important that you clarify that. Yeah, that you would be unhappy with him laughing. The way he was laughing at your TikTok. Yeah, no, I know.

But not in a way that was like, yeah. We I was going to say we got a question that's also kind of about withholding information, lying to your partner and stuff like that. Oh, nice. I love that. I'm kind of bummed about the. Theo James of it all. It's not anything anti-Semitic.

It's perfectly in line in that regard with Semitism. It's borderline pro. Pro-Semite. All right, this guy, right. We'll call this guy Theo. I went on a first date with this girl I met on Hinge, who happens to be a friend of a friend. I was super nervous on the first date because she's so pretty

and used to be a yoga instructor and because I'm a nerdy Jew. Nice. She asked me if I did any sports in high school and I said, yeah, I was on the track team, I wasn't on the track team. Yet I did run five K races with my friends and trained with him. I feel guilty when, when should I tell her about this white lie? Should I tell her about, should I tell her about this white lie? Again, I'm a Jew in medical school and she's awesome, so I don't want to ruin this.

It seems like a weirder thing to come clean about than to just never bring up again. Like, does he think that this landed so hard for her that she is like, oh, great. I've always wanted to date an ex. Wait, what do you say? Cross country runner. Yeah. It seems like being in medical school is cooler than the cross country team. Right.

He's already doing the hard part, which is the medical school. Yeah, I would think like if it comes up again, like if she brings up, oh, yeah. And you ran cross country in high school. You could be like, well, technically, it was just like I was, I was doing road races with my friend. That's all you really need to say. Yeah. Oh, we did, we did cross country distances, but I wasn't on the team team.

We didn't have a team because I was on the team. Have you seen my stethoscope? Look here, I'm a cardiologist, man. Isn't that cooler to be on the team? Yeah, I don't think, does it feel like you, you bought, you got a lot of points by being on the team. Yeah, I don't think so. Yeah.

I, if anything, you should lie about doing the medical school and actually have done cross country. This is the better way to do it. Yeah, definitely. It's definitely harder to be a doctor than to be on cross country because I was on cross country. Are you aware? Yeah.

But only for one, for one season. What did you say? What did you, did you say, what's that? It was like you have a time, like best time race, like three miles. Yeah, I did, I did, I did the best race. Oh, was your time? We don't have to keep on talking. Nine.

Nine minutes or? Whatever. Nine cross, nine. In cross country. Yeah. You do, you get a score and you get a time and you get a distance. And I'm curious what yours were. For what fucking course?

You're not even asking like the right questions. I thought they were all roughly two to three miles or something. They're, yeah, and I got. What was your fastest mile time? 11 or six, six, five and a half, four. So one's a world record. The other one is incredibly slow. Yeah.

What's the most normal? What's like pretty good? 630. 635. So I was pretty normal, could have done better. I had a long weekend that weekend. I got high with a little help from my friend. I wore a singlet to a Halloween party.

And got into a cross country race. I was so high I wore my football pads to my cross country race. I got my sports mixed up. Can you believe that? So the advice here is to sort of backpedal away from the truth without fully admitting. Yes, I was never bring it up again. I never bring it up. Cross country adjacent.

I was running in high school. I did. I maybe I was on the team, maybe not. Maybe you misunderstood me because it's been three months that I mentioned. I'm going to be a fucking internist, not an intern, an internist. You could. Yeah, you could take it a step further and just kind of gaslight her over the whole thing. So you don't bring it up.

And the next time she does, you say, what? I never said I was on cross country. I think I'd remember that. I'm a doctor like I remember a lot of stuff in medical school. Yeah, my penmanship is fucked up. I can't like when I write prescriptions, it's all sloppy. But I'm pretty sure I never said that. You're gaslighting me.

Yeah, that's perfect gaslighting rules. You say the other person is gaslighting you. We shouldn't even be talking about this. Yeah, that's a perfect way. You sort of take a stern tone of voice. What's happening right now? I feel like I'm under oath. Courtney, that's enough.

Courtney, drop it. Courtney, I just beg you. Let's just drop it. Let's drop it. Let's drop it. Drop it. Hey, that's a drop it. Yeah, like my dog.

You ever walk your dog? Courtney, leave it. You ever walk your dog and notice him not only eating something, but he fully swallowed it and you're like that. I don't know what that was. There's no way that was a good thing. He was sniffing something and now he's swallowing it. Yeah, I mean, I shoot my hand in his mouth

and pull out whatever he's eating all the time. I'm sure there have been things that I missed. Yeah, the grossest was he. Yeah, he was eating like we were we're upstate and he like was running around in this field. It was really great. And then he started like sniffing something and then I just noticed he was just kind of like casually eating goose shit.

Oh, my God. Goose shit. Yeah. And he would like run and then you'd always go back to this like mound of shit and like kind of try to eat it. And I was like, all right, we're, you know, we're in this majestic field. You can run everywhere and you want to just. Turds.

That's like when I walk Luke, sometimes he sniffs like piss. He gets like really close and I was like, I had to try to like drink it like, no, you can smell the piss. See if there's piss. You don't have to taste it. You know, it's pissed. Just piss on the piss and we'll be on our merry way. Because then later you're going to lick my ear and that will have piss on it now

because you you licked some other dog's piss. And I take him to the store. We go to the pet store together and I hold up different bones and I let him choose the one that he wants and it's super cute. But then sometimes they'll be going home to like, I want to eat this plastic bag. I'm like, I just fucking went with you to the store. I just took you shopping and you want to eat off of the road. Yeah, the last week there were, for whatever reason,

our neighbors like threw away fucking like goose shams on the street. It was so foul. There was like broken clams on the sidewalk and in the in the street and we couldn't walk past it without Dingo just like fucking darting at it. Like, please let me eat the broken shards of clam shells. I'm so curious. Yeah, I would imagine so. I honestly think the most disgusting thing Luke's ever eaten was your mom's cooking.

When? I'm just joking, like he'll have piss. But like, I think the grossest thing is like your mom's. Maybe your fucking mom's cooking. How about the grossest thing Luke ever tasted was your mom's fucking pussy? The piece of shit. Yeah. Oh, my God. Why don't you not say anything about my mother?

All right. It's a fucking lighthearted chap. That's actually my mom's birthday today. You're talking about some really depraved beastiality. All I did was like. Yeah, you started it. You like said something really offensive about my mom. You know that I love my mom's cooking.

And I feel like. Who cares? So. God, now I can't fucking get that image out of my head. Of Luke going down on your mother. Let's take a break. Let's absolutely take a break. I think we should.

Well, I think we both need that right now. A hard reset, a full day reset. Yeah. And we'll come back after these messages. OK. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer

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And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift.

I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting. Yeah. My first child.

We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool.

So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife.

And you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah, yeah, kind of like a she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh, my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool.

And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an Aura. Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something.

That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift.

A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit Aura Frames. That's A-U-R-A frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh, wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th.

So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's Aura Frames A-U-R-A frames dot com. OK, go get your parents something. All right, and use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the headgum podcast you were listening to. And we have returned. Yep. Before I forget, have you seen the

hilariously Jake and Amir-esque thing Elon Musk tweeted yesterday? Oh, yeah, should I resign from Twitter? I'll do whatever the poll says. And Elon, they said he should resign and now he has to resign. You going to do it? I think so. I think so. That's a very funny thing for my character to do. It's like, hey, everyone, should I fucking quit this job?

Or you still want me around? Oh, wow. Fucking instant majority. And these are my followers saying that. We've made those on the on Reddit. Like, yeah, and everyone upvoted it. No, you got a thousand down low downvotes, man. That's right.

Should I step down as head of Twitter? Fifty seven percent said yes. It seems like he wants the out, right? Like he should just. Yeah, he can still own it. He doesn't have to run it. Yeah, just fucking appoint somebody else. You're obviously not doing it well.

But he likes being in charge. Yeah, you could do something else. It's if it was a backfire, that would have been very funny. And if it's part of a grand plan, then that's also kind of funny, because then you know, you know, for a fact that they're going to vote. Yes, it's like if it was part of your plan, he's like, now I'm going to tweet it and everyone's going to vote. Yeah, I was like, oh, yeah, I'll fucking piece out of here.

I already fired everyone. This place sucks. Fifty seven percent is like a close enough loss that he doesn't even. I don't really even know how you how you react to it. Herschel Walker got more than 42 percent. So like you're you're that's a fucking landslide in this economy. I guess you're right. Anyway, Salt Bay is now the CEO.

Bear, I love that. OK, should we answer another question? Holiday party overload. Tis the season. Let's see how many of my boyfriend's holiday parties am I legally required to attend? My family lives far away and I'm not invited to my friend's holiday parties anymore. This means that holiday parties are mostly a series of parties with the BF's friends and the BF's families.

Not sure most of them are great and shit, but it's also fucking exhausting. And now he wants me to go to his ex-co-workers holiday party in the city an hour and a half away. Am I a bitch if I tell him to go by himself so I can get one fucking second of peace this Christmas season or in our mid 20s, if that matters? No, no. And I think actually we should be normalizing, telling people to go to parties by themselves. I think it is very nice.

It's nice when Avital is a party where I don't really know anybody. It's not like a core friend. It's more like a friend or a friend and she'll be like, I can go by myself. You don't need to be there. I'm like, that's great. I'll still often tell me that too. So most of the time she tells me not to come. She's like, you shouldn't come.

Like, you're not invited. We're like doing a trial separation. Why are you showing up at my fucking parents' house right now? Like I'm on a date. Trial separation. Is that like an attack? I think it's trial, but I feel like I'm on trial and she thinks we're separated. And I can see why I wouldn't want you at parties.

You have very intense energy. Right. I think we have one more fucking shot in us. And I think why not go for it? Four strikes and I'm out. No, I think, yeah, you can. I think it's nice to be like, you know, sometimes we have an opposite problem where like somebody is like, I don't want you to go to part to this party

because like they're jealous or something like that would be a weird thing. If your boyfriend wants to go to holiday parties and you're like, no, I want you to stay home because you'll cheat on me if you leave. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad. But if he's like, I want to go to this party and you're like, I don't, you should go, you should have fun. Awesome. Who cares?

That's great. Yeah. But I could see it not being good if you do it to literally every party. Then it's like, well, is there anything you do want to do with the boyfriend? Because maybe you could guide towards doing that. But if it's like this is a pretty off brand holiday party. It's there's there's a couple steps of it's an ex co-worker and it's an hour and a half away. You can be like, it's not that's not a game.

I'm not coming to that one. Are you pro at going to M? Like, do you enjoy going to any party or are there some parties where like, I don't need to make small talk with 18 strangers that I'll never meet again? Yeah, I enjoy going to most parties, but not every party. There are some parties where like that wasn't worth me attending. Yeah. I sometimes don't love like a long dinner party where I don't know everybody

and I'm not entirely sure where I'm going to end up at the table. And then I have to sit next to like somebody's new boyfriend that they brought. And it's going to be like two hours. You know, that's not really my vibe. But I think for the most part, I'm usually pro party. You can you can at least enjoy yourself at every party. Yeah, New York is a social city. And I feel like I see a lot of people.

What are your thoughts on game nights? Jill's ever getting invited to a game night? No, we don't ever we don't really ever do them. Though we had Jeff came over last night with his girlfriend and we played a game, we played code names, and that was fun. But I don't think I would be like if it's Saturday night and somebody's like, oh, yeah, come over to my place. It's game night. Yeah.

I would be like, we should just go to a bar. We should. That's the game I like to play. Yeah. It's like these ways you have to like say like a clue that has like those three items, but no other items. And people have to guess. Yeah, it's like a grid of of words. And you have to say like a one word that can associate many. Yeah, as many as you can.

Like when you get like a specific grid, so like there's a map that's like these are all the blue squares. These are all the red squares. So I'm like trying to take the words that are part of the blue squares and get Jill to guess as many of them as she can. Right. And then if she doesn't get it, are you supportive emotionally? Or do you find yourself frustrated that you're on the losing team or it doesn't really matter who wins or lose?

Because it's game night. And the whole point is to just like have fun with your friends. With code names, it doesn't. I am not competitive because Jill is like she gets she's so cerebral that she goes will truly make no sense to me. So I think it's funny that we lose. But actually last night we won and that was great. But at one point she did say Safari and one of the words was Amazon.

And I was like, it has like Amazon, right? And and it was wrong. I was like, why would you? Oh, wait. No, there was another one that was really funny. She. Oh, she said clothes, too. And the clothes and then there were and I was like talking out loud. I was like, all right, so there's pants. I know that's going to be clothes.

And then there's also cloak and there's gloves. And I'm like, I'm not sure which one you meant because there could all be clothes. And I was like, I'll just go ahead and guess gloves. And then that was the spy card. That's the one you want me to say all right. That was that right? Yeah, I was like, you have to just, you know, air away from any clue that would have me maybe guess gloves.

That's an insta loss. But we worked it out. We worked it out. We had a screaming match outside for two hours. And then we came in and played the game. But everyone was pretty quiet. But we did win handily. I think because Jeff and Emily kept skipping their turns.

And I was like, OK, great. Yeah, they are definitely. They're like pass. Yeah, they're so they're so muted. And they're just like pass two hour screaming match again. Sure. And then they passed. What do you think that they were they didn't want to? They were afraid of you, man.

You're sometimes you can ice out the competition just by like, you know, removing yourself for a while. They get a little cold. They probably saw the strategy to it. I bet they respected it. They respected us in the end. Did it end like in a happy place when everyone parted mutually or was it more like?

Yeah, they didn't say bye. But it wasn't it was an Irish. They didn't say goodbye. But it wasn't an Irish. Yeah, they Irish. But it's an Irish date. The Irish. Yeah, it's just as they were like,

Jeff's like, I have to use the bathroom when I saw him head out. And I was like, that's odd. I saw him not go to the bathroom. His lady just started crying and started sort of walking towards the door. And I said, are you Irish? Are you really Irishing right now? I wish you would stay. I wish you a merry Christmas, Jeff.

I really wish you a merry Christmas. And a happy Irish year. There's also less holiday parties I've noticed this year, less maybe I'm just less getting older, but I'm not hanging there's not as many holiday parties for me. Maybe it's a covid thing or something. Maybe, yeah. I mean, Micah had one and then Jill had one at work

that I that was like in a happy hour in the office at like 3 p.m. So I was invited to that one. More casual. Yeah, we didn't. I mean, we didn't do anything for a headgump. Yeah, we had a dinner. Oh, yeah, you guys had a dinner. And then everyone had that we did.

We did the secret Santa thing, man. I'm sorry. Because last time we did Secret Santa, you got really, really, really offended and upset the whole time. So yeah, yeah, I did because I bought Alex Berkman, a fucking diamond necklace, OK, an eight thousand dollar necklace. The max is 20 bucks. So if you get somebody got a thousand dollar necklace, yeah.

And then I get socks from Pyle. Is that like I just don't even see how anybody wouldn't have also gotten as pissed as I did. They would have if they did the first thing that I soured the mood of the party is wrong, because he's soured the mood. Pyle soured the mood when he gave me socks. Well, that's really because I was rightfully upset. Yeah, that doesn't make me sour.

That made him the sourer. So yeah, we did that this. It's awesome. What Pyle get? He got a diamond necklace, man. Like, I don't know how to tell you. I guess it was on the. Spired.

Yeah. And he looked absolutely glamorous in it. I've never seen him glow like that. Stunning. He was ravishing. Is that what you want me to tell you? He was absolutely breathtaking. All glitz and glamour and pump and circumstance.

He was piled to a T slash fault. Mm hmm. Fair. All right. Final advice, you don't have to go to every holiday party. No, I don't think so. I don't think so. Pakin shoes. Pakin shoes.

That's right. And it's also fun when somebody else goes to a party. You have a free night. Free nights are great. I love that. Love a free night. OK, that's it. That's our time.

Thank you for listening. Last episode of 2022. I believe we'll be back. It'll be January. Wow. She. She. But if you want more, there's still more of us on our Patreon,

patreon.com.ca, just because it's the holidays, doesn't mean we're taking a week off. That's correct. Hell no. We're still there watching Jake and Amir videos. That's right. So check those out. We'll be back here next Monday.

Appreciate your patronage. That fucking first song was intense. I don't know how many of you guys want to hear it again, but here it is. It's by, again, Matthew Pope. That's a good reminder for me to donate to his. To donate. Yeah, that's right.

His swimming charity situation thing. Kick in a diamond necklace from me. There's no way it's 8,000 to give him 8,000. It's a lot. It's a lot. Let me double check that it is Matthew Pope. OK. Yeah, Matthew Pope.

All right. Thanks for listening, everybody. We'll be back next week. Bye. Sure will. Speaking of safe and risky, Bitcoin down 200 since we started this episode. No way.

I mean, we are on one minute. My father told me to beware the chipmunks because he searched for ways. Hark, this is schmuel. I'm gonna sell all my Bitcoin. All of it going ding, dong, ding. Hark how the schmels, all of the schmels, they seem to say come to LA, Jake and Amir, always near.

Well, there's a gate on a Monday. Yes, it's Amir. This is my year. Time for a change. Flex at my race. Fuck all the fans. Screw all the stans. My name is schmuel.

Welcome to. Oh, which is my quick focus. Right, I'll take one book. One book. So call me then. My name is schmuel. 10 years on, baby. One thing I've learned, clean if you will.

Jake is a strainer. Happy Hanukkah, Jake. Look, I'm sorry to kill you. Maybe I just got burned. But it's burned too many times by the surfer dude. Holy witness, it's too many crabs, too many blunders. Mapo, mapo, it's like even crime numbers. But your number's up.

Can I put you to sleep? This is well close for thee. Give me time as you eat. Give me time as you like. I said welcome to beware the chipmunks and all these crypto empire and bankrupt, bankrupt free. 10 years, when will it stop? Who will go first?

Jake, today I get laid off Schmuck Bells on Curse. Fuck, nearly faulty, but it's cool now. Again, I have a part to play till I die for my dieting. But not yet, not today. I've no diabetic complaint, because I swear that I make the slam dunk, take the munk out of chipmunk. I'm no smoke fry. That's right, I'm not ascetic.

And I swivel like a 5'10 square with the next gen nuts. I'm not talking about the balls in my jeans. I make jakes like skittles. I'm talking about trees. What I store in every seed that I gather, whatever the weather. I'm conscientious, free to catch you a few for the winner. Never pour, never late, always punctual. Keep every almond on date like as my niece is nuptial.

But if you want to berate schmuck, take a shot. Seize the cheese like a metapod. I harm that's right. I'm no fetifella. I'm shut-eye. Endure it when I'm old. But you better like weighting, because baby is cold outside. And this schmuck is hibernating.

Hard to the schmuck. Shut up, it's all. Jake, you know I love you, really. That was a hit gum original.