If I Were You - 574: Condom Wrapper

Episode Date: January 9, 2023

In this episode we discuss golfing, bartending, and yes: WORDLE. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Quick reminder that the Hedgum happy hour, which is a monthly live show that we have, indeed, is coming to not only LA, but New York this month. First show ever in New York City. So January 12th, which is very soon at UCB Franklin at, I think, I wanna say, don't quote me on this, though this is accurate information. Yes, though this is an ad for the show that is soon.

30 p.m. January 12th, UCB Franklin. 100% lock it in. In LA. And then on the 27th, me and you are hosting in New York. That's right, you're coming to New York. This is for, I'm gonna be the only one at both shows. That's wild. That's crazy. Very cool, very cool.

And though that might not be true, it's fun to say and speech. You and I haven't done a show together since the summer, since Montreal. Yes, so this is the first time coming we're hosting January 27th at Kavya, 9.30 p.m. in New York, January 12th in LA. Hopefully you guys are around these cities,

around those dates so you can come and join us. Yeah, come through. Tickets are available where? Headgum.com slash live. That's just a shot in the dark, but I think that's accurate. That's gotta be right. That's gotta be right.

Yeah. A bunch of funny comedians at both shows and actually it's a completely new set of comedians at both shows. So if you want to, you can go to the January 12th one and then the January 27th one. Just like Amir, you can go to both. You can travel across the country

and sort of like follow both shows. They'll be completely different. And I don't want to, you know, promise this to everyone, but we'll, let's just say we'll reimburse you for your airfare and hotel if you want to go to both. Not the hotel. There's no way for the hotel. Find airfare?

Airfare. We'll reimburse you for your flight. You can't upgrade to like even more leg room. Delta comfort. It has to be base. Delta comfort. Base. Okay.

Spirit. Spirit. With a stop. Stop, fine. With a layover. If you fly spirit with a stop. I'll spend when you $39. I will.

I'll cover that cost. It doesn't, you don't even have to go to the show. Yeah. Anybody that flies spirit deserves money from me. That's right. Okay. And if you miss these shows for whatever reason,

it's also a podcast, a video that we're uploading to the head gum happy hour feed. That's right. So follow that. Watch them, listen, enjoy. See you soon. Fly across the country. Thank you.

Bye everybody. This is a head gum original. If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show, If I were you, the show. Nice. Banjo style. Yeah. Banjo Kazooie. It's actually exactly the instrument that I learned for that song.

I didn't realize you played the banjo on that tune. All right. It wasn't me. It was Calvin Yeager. Yeager. I've previously submitted five theme songs, technically seven, but you missed two. Nice. Which are re-included in this email.

I'm also submitting another seven theme songs for a grand total of 14. Whoa. And then I'm retiring. Forever. I really have better shit to do. On a more personal note, the last time I submitted a batch of theme songs, I was halfway through a PhD in biochemistry. Wow. And I've now finished it.

And I want to thank you guys for keeping up. If I were you. It means so, so much to so, so many. That's very, very nice. Our podcast has been going on for so many. Our pod has been going on for so long. We could have gotten a PhD in biochemistry instead. Fuck.

We've wasted our time. We wasted our lives. 10 years almost. Yeah. We could have gotten so much better. We could have gone to medical school and been doctors. We could have done better shares. We could have been more than this.

We helped Calvin become a doctor in biochem. I feel like we should get a piece of that. Would you say we should get 1% of his annual salary moving forward in perpetuity? It's not a big deal to him. Right. Because it's just 1%. Yeah. And make a big difference to us if we got that from enough doctors.

Basically if you're a doctor and you listen to our podcast as you were in doctor school, we technically own that IP. Yeah. Yeah. How does it work doctors? Like do they get paid bi-weekly through the hospital? Is there a way that they can almost like, you know how you cut some of that off pre-taxed to a 401k?

Right. Exactly. Exactly. This would be a 401j. Yeah. That's actually really interesting. That's a good business model for us. Right.

Because for other people, it's barely. It's a drop in the bucket. Yeah. It's 1% of his annual salary. You're probably paying more in like some. Dental. Yeah. Exactly.

Your eye insurance that you're never fucking using. Yes. Exactly. Yeah. So we'll try to like figure out a way to make you break even. But if we helped you become the doctor that you are today. Yeah. You wouldn't be there without us.

He literally said that. He said that. You do so much for so many. It means so much to so many. It's like, yeah. That's. And that's actually. Binding.

Yeah. Because that is like so, so many. And that's 1% of everyone or every doctor. I'm not going to take everybody's salary. But if you're a doctor, I think we should. Right. That's. Get a piece of that.

Let's say what's the annual salary for a doctor? 225k. Yeah. Let's say 215k. 215k. At like a really like nice, like a university or a lab or something like that. Right. Right.

So that's 1% is 2150. That's annual. Yeah. But for us to split, it's just a thousand or so bucks. We need, that's not enough for us. Right. But for him, it's not enough. How many, how many people, how many doctors do you think listen to the show?

Maybe 80. 80. Yeah. So that's. 160k a year. Just pre-tax, not even taxed at all for us. And that's cash in hand for us to have it. Right.

Because that's technically a gift, which we don't have to pay taxes on. Because I mean, who's doing our bookkeeping? You and I? Yeah. And I think I'm trying to catch up on all like the legalese tax code, whatever the fuck. Yeah. But I think if we get that money pre-tax, that's not money that we're necessarily owing to Uncle Sam.

I think not. Because at a certain point, that's just recouping costs for us. Yeah. We could write it off or something like that. We could say like this cost, we're in the studio today. So if you're watching this, we could say like the cameras cost like $21,000 or whatever the fuck. Studio space, costumes, makeup.

Casey will say that we're paying him $48,000 for a session. Yeah. You just have to write that as income for you, which will be like a drop in the bucket. Yeah. At the end of the day. Income-wise. And then we're making an extra 2150 times 80, 172, 175 grand. And I think it's all pre-tax.

That's net. And that's gross. It's gross to think that you think we should not get that and we should have to pay taxes on that, which is nice. You better bet that's net. That's a big deal. That's a cool thing for us to have. That's like not worrying about an expense or something.

It should something arise. Because we took the risk. We actually took the risk upfront because we decided to not be doctors. We carried that burden. We said we won't be doctors, so other people can be doctors. Now we get a piece of that IP. We need a piece of the IP. Yeah.

Obviously, they should make the majority, the vast majority of the money. The vast majority. I am not opposed to taking 2% because I think it's a little- I was going to bring that up. It's actually gross that you and I have to split 1%. That's nothing. That's taxing. I was thinking 1% each.

Yeah. I think when I said 1%, it was 1% each. And I feel like it got lost in translation at some point. Which is so, yeah. That was me trying to be nice when I didn't- I have to be selfish at a certain point. You've been nice for a decade. Exactly.

And I think- And I think what's this guy's name? Jaeger? It doesn't fucking matter. He's been fucking selfish. He's been a little selfish. He's being a selfish guy. And what's-

215,000 salary for a doctor? Let's up that to 300. Even if he doesn't make it. I think 300K- He should make up a different- Right. Exactly. Base.

Base. 300K base, 2% to me. Okay? And then- Wait, so that's different though. Because you said 1% to you. I'll dole it out. I'll pay you.

I'll pay you your 1%, 1-ish percent. 1-ish percent? Yeah. 1%. Because now you're talking about getting 6 grand from this guy. Yeah, 6 grand. Times 80. And then you invoice me.

That's 480K per year. 400K, right? And then what are you doing with the half a million that you're skimming off the top? I'm not skimming anything off the top. I'm doling that out as appropriate. I have to pay case. You have to pay the studio cause I have to pay your talent fee. Pay me to a talent fee.

I should be a W2 employee for you. I don't want to have to pay taxes. This should all be pay tax. You'll give me a 1099. You will give me a 1099. You will invoice me. And I will pay you from the 2%. So you earn.

Of the 480, I'm getting half of that. Do you see what that is on the screen? That's a golden goddamn mic, right? So why would I pay you equally for your 30 as performance? So if you're making 480, what do you think of? I'll pay you from the net, not the gross. Or I'll pay you from the gross actually. I'll pay you from the gross.

So what do you imagine me getting at the end of the day? If you're getting 480 per year. Pre-tax. Pre-tax. I'll give you 48 as well. So 480 for me, 48K for you. I don't think I should have to dip below 4 annually for what I've provided to the medical community.

This was my idea. And now I'm being almost... You're talking about paying Casey more than me, which is fine. I mean, I totally appreciate his work. Pre-tax. You're getting a bear hug right now. I'm getting squeezed out of my own company. Getting pushed out the back door.

Yes. Do you want the 48K or no? I'll take the 48K because if the alternative is zero, that's a real slap in the face. So I do appreciate the 48K. It's a slap in the face. It's a drop in the bucket. But it will be pre-taxed. It will be pre-taxed.

I'm not paying tax. Not paying Uncle Sam. No. And I'd refuse to get audited. That's not up to me. That's not up to me at all. I'm just saying if I get audited, there should be a fee. You get a bonus that triggers if you get audited.

That's fair. Because I think under 50K, you're probably safe from an audit. Well, I do a lot of kind of quasi-legal things that raise, not red, but pink flags. Yeah. Like little triggers and like weird nefarious shit. Right. Dealing with offline, crypto, this, that, and the other.

Yes, that's going to raise some eyebrows. Yeah, several pink flags. I'm already getting pretty audited right now. More than audited. I'm getting aggressively pursued by the IRS. Agents. Yeah, agents are knocking down the door. Like in windbreakers outside my apartment every single day.

They're trying to intimidate me. Literally a fucking tank drove by my house. Answer me that. Why would they need to do that other than to just try to do it? The town car parked outside all the time. They know that. I know what they're doing. Yeah, that's been fun.

I appreciate that. Cool. Yeah, it's fun business. No, all right, we still got some time. This is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the web, hosted by us. Right. We are back in the lab.

It is 2023. In the studio. In utero. Yes, in the studio slash utero. And it's awesome to be back together. This is, by the way, 2023, the year of our lord. I don't know if you know this, but I was born in 83. Whoa.

So 83 plus 40, 23. We finally made it. Are about to be a 40-year-old man. Yeah. Middle age. Well, not really. 40 is middle-aged. I thought that was a 50 thing.

Is it? I thought 50 or 60. Well, middle 60. Because 60 is the new 40. I wouldn't say that. Do you think most people live to be 100? Not the way I live. Yeah.

I mean, I think you have 45 years left. Total. Yeah. And the last five are probably not the fun five. Let's just say that much right now. You're definitely through. I've done the fun 40. You're in the twilight of your life, I'd say.

I've done the fun 40. Yeah. Yeah. You've done the fun 40. The fun 40 is. Back half, rear view mirror. Memories of. That's not good stuff.

Yeah. You certainly peaked in terms of physical, professional, mental. Yeah. Yeah. I don't get. It's all downhill from here. I don't get recognized anymore, I've realized. I go out and I'm actively trying.

I'll wear the Jake and Amir shirt, so I'll go to college parties. Yeah. You wear the glasses again, right? When you go out. The old glasses. You do the faux hawk. I'll go to college humor style parties. I wonder, do you ever think about like just, if you gave your, if you could try to give

yourself that makeover, like what if we gave you the glasses, the buzz cut. The fresh. The nose beard. Yeah. And we just put you in like one of your old collar shirts. I think that would be sadder. Yeah. Yeah.

Like you have a different look now, but I wonder what it would look like if we just like. It's like when rock stars still dress like rock stars, but they're 79. Yeah. Yeah. The bandana. Yeah. It's cooler to just be like Bruce Springsteen. It's like he's aging gracefully.

Aging gracefully. Four shorts. I want to, I want to see you with the faux hawk. I want to see you with cargo shorts. The madras pants. One more time. Skechers. Put me in a yellow belt.

Handlebar mustache. Yeah. That's our tour poster for when we turn 60 and we're trying to like squeeze some more shows out of our bodies. That's good. That's good. But for now, I might look too similar to the naked eye. Yeah.

But once I'm completely gray, like the Blink 182 posters, they're like almost entirely gray at this point. Yeah. Yeah. Entirely gray faux hawk is a cool look. Yeah. Which I'm, you know, you're running there, but not entirely fully there yet. Your hair is grayer than your beard is, right?

Yeah. Yes, I'm good. I've been pulling the gray hair out of my beard. I just, when I see one, I don't wink it out. Yeah. But I'm pulling more and more beard hairs out these days. Do you have any gray, gray hair? No.

It's looking, it almost looks like your hair is getting browner. Like it used to be blonde and now it's pretty dark. Interesting. Well, it's kind of wet right now. Right. But even when it's dry, it feels browner than it used to be. It used to be kind of blonde. Yeah.

I think when I lived in California, my hair was blonder. And now? There's less sun in the city. I guess a little browner. Yeah. Doesn't that say it all? I guess so. Yeah.

But I'm thinking about dyeing my beard. Jet black. And I might get a tattoo on an American flag. On my neck. So nobody's really known. Jet black beard. Jet black beard. American flag at the base, right on the middle of the, mid-neck tattoo.

That's cool. And a motorcycle at Sturgis Rally in South Dakota. That's cool. That's really cool. I'm just walking it though because I can't ride it. On a leash. A motorcycle on a fucking leash. They're on a fucking, at the Sturgis Rally, I'm on a revel.

Just a little blue scooter from New York. All right. Let's see if we can answer some questions. Actually, how long has it been? It might be break time and then we can answer some questions. About 15 minutes. Great. 15 minutes.

Let's call it there. Let's take a break. Thanks for sponsoring us. Okay. And then really answer some questions. Yeah. Enough is enough. That's true.

Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the leader of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you.

Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute honestly like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't know how you sleep for the better part of the decade. Excuse me. I do not brag. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Yes.

Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for 20% off all mattress orders and two free pillows.

Amazing. Free pillows. Come on. Yes. This is their best offer yet and no, it won't last long with Helix. The better sleep starts now. Now. So regardless of how you sleep, whether you like it soft, medium or firm, Helix has 20

unique mattresses just ready to go based on how you fill up that sleep preference and they'll send you the best one. And if you go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you, that's 20% off. Amazing. Thank you Helix. Sleep well. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

For years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data. You can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld

is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code.

If I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you Squarespace. And we're back. Jake, do you have any? Oh, let's do this.

Yeah. Um, I recently bought a new water bottle. Okay. Okay. A bottle of water? No, not a bottle of water, a travel water bottle thing. Those are called water bottles, aren't they? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I bought a new one. Like not a swell or a hydro flask, but a Nalgene slash third option. I got the one I got was just from Nike.

I found it in the store, but I'll tell you what I like about it. And this is my unsolicited advice. Because for a long time, I always had the travel water bottle for a long, long time. Yeah. Years, even before it was cool. I was actually the first one that ever had one. Ever? Yeah.

I was the first person ever owned one. No. I think so. I don't think so at all. Really? Who do you think was the first one then? Because who sold it to you? They were obviously.

I bought it at Trader Joe's, but it was like 2011. That's late. So the one that I have is a flip up straw. Oh, yeah. The click up. Yeah. For a long time, I was doing the twist off. And yeah.

And I just realized like, I think I was like watching myself on zoom and every, every time I drank, I was like, like this and show people the bottom of my neck. Yeah. I think just, I think drinking makes you look a little needy. Yeah. It's tacky. It makes you look weak. It's tacky.

It's like you're the hamster. Yeah. Suckling at the teat of capitalism. Yes, exactly. And now you're just like, oh, oh, oh, oh, fucking raw dog, a plastic straw. Looks like I'm bleeding it. You do a casual. It's low.

Let's see. Get off to the side. Off to the side. There's no way. Like you're chewing on a cigar. Yeah. Just fucking. Yeah.

Yeah. Exactly right. Exactly right. Straw. Easy. Don't have to, you don't have to tilt your head up. Why do it come to me? Like, yeah.

But that's cool. It's like you're drinking a beer. I never, like, drink beer. I drink everything out of a straw now. Whiskey or straw. Cosmos. Straw. Mytides.

Straw. Majitos. Straw. All straws. All day. All day. Red wine. Straw.

Major straw. Because you don't want to stain your teeth. Exactly. Exactly. So you're saying the straw is more, I guess, masculine than drinking? It's not about being masculine. It's just about being powerful. Okay.

And the straw does that for you. The straw makes me feel confident. Yeah. It makes me feel confident in a way that I didn't know I could before. For me, that's the straw that broke the camel's back. Nice. That's why I got a camel back. A camel back actually makes a very nice straw water flask.

Really? Yes. They make a very good one. So my little story about the straw that broke the camel back. That isn't necessarily the case. Yeah. The straw actually fixed the camel back. Made the camel back.

And that's the backpack that you wear? Well, they also, I mean, they make a water bottle, too, which is, it's honestly excellent. It's quite excellent. So you moved on from one non-strawless water bottle to a straw water bottle? Yeah. Yeah. And that's my unsolicited advice. And I do think it's going to change your life for the better.

Interesting. Have you ever put non-water liquids in there? The most I'll do is if I'm at a place, you know, sometimes in like a hotel lobby, they'll have like the infused water with like the limes or something. I'll do, I'll do something like that. Yeah. But other than that, just water. No.

You're not putting caffeine in there. Would never. Should never. Got a question from a 22-year-old girl from New Jersey. Cool. Let's call her Bruce Springsteen. That's really cool. Did you see the Howard Stern, Bruce Springsteen thing?

Yeah. There was like an interview on HBO Max. It's like Bruce Springsteen's first appearance on the Howard Stern show. Does Howard Stern make him write a Sybian? He throws ham on his ass while Baba Buie reads tweets. God, you're hot. God, you're hot. God, you're hot.

No, he actually has a lot of reverence and respect for the boss. Yeah. Everybody's been saying for a long time, what a great interviewer Howard Stern has become. But I haven't. I've never listened to a show. Right. I mean, not since Jenna Jameson was on it. Is he good?

Did you watch it? I only started to watch it. I like Bruce Springsteen, but I don't know or care enough about him to hear about his childhood stuff. I mean, he had a podcast with Obama and I didn't listen to him. Right. You would think I would. I mean, I would be more inclined to listen to a Howard Stern interviewing Bruce Springsteen

in the raunchy manner. Right? I want to eat TV. What do you fuck? Yeah. What do you fuck? Yeah. That's what I want to know.

Did you ever go out with Pamela Anderson? Got you. What do you fuck? Well, you play, I don't know, Thunder Road. Nice. Yeah. I'm a 22 year old girl from New Jersey writes Bruce and I just graduated with my master's degree in HR.

I've been working as a nanny for the last six months, but I'm quitting this week because the kid often kicks me and I no longer feel like dealing with that. Yeah. I've been applying to corporate jobs and interviewing for some and I haven't really gotten any offers. All my friend around my age who are working full time are telling me not to jump the gun and to take a break before I start a real career. I'm torn between wanting to work as a bartender or waitress and live down the shore for the

summer or actually starting a nine to five job. I feel like having a summer of fun is a good idea, but I also don't want to feel like I wasted my time in college and grad school. What are your thoughts? Should I go be a Bev Cart girl at a golf course and let creepy old men give me money in exchange for serving beer while wearing a tennis skirt or should I start taking this job hunt more seriously and take any real job that I can get? Anyway, I love the show.

Amir, I would say congrats on the 30, but I need you to answer my question, not debate about that for five minutes. Fair. Okay. Okay. You think I ... Oh, come on. She brings up a good point.

Have you made your decision for this episode? It's not even worth talking about. It's still up for grabs. It's still up for grabs. And I beg you not to derail the episode too much. That's cool. Yeah. I agree.

You worked at a golf course once. Yeah, I did. Actually, twice. I was catty and then I also worked in the snack bar. The Bev Cart girl is something I learned about through TikTok. There's like TikToks of me as a Bev Cart girl where it's almost like a Hooters waitress but giving beer from a golf cart to golfers. Did that exist in your golf course?

When I was there. It might be a specific. I think, I mean, I would have been very aware of that. I was 19 and very horny, but we didn't have those. We were the snack bar boys though, which was you don't have to like drive around. You stayed at the ... Yeah. But we stayed, me and my friend Steve worked at the pool and we would just kind of like

put curly fries in the deep fryer. That's cool. Give people hot dogs. Oh, really? You used to make the fries. I mean, make them in the sense that you just put them in the fire and they start to float when they're ready basically. And then you take the little cage out, shake it out, dump it in, salt them.

There you go. Did you ever eat some or steal some off plates? Yeah. I mean, we made food all the time. Right. Did you steal the food before I got to the plate? Oh, no. I didn't steal like somebody else's food, but if we're having a slow day, I'd make some

fries. That's cool. That's for free or you have to pay for that. Of course it's free. It's one of the perks of being here. Is it free? I was stealing. I was stealing.

What's the name of your golf course? I like to actually file an official complaint. I mean, they did hate me by the end. I gave my, I quit by not showing up anymore. Got it. At the end of the summer, I was too afraid to talk to my boss and tell him I was going on vacation for two weeks. Yeah.

So rather than tell him I was going on vacation at the end of the summer, I just never came back. Yeah. And that was it. I had a job in high school and I'm wondering now, like, how did I get paid? How did I get paid for that? Like, did I have a bank account at age 17 that I deposited checks into? I don't even remember that.

Yeah. I mean, I know I did not have a bank account yet and I gave my checks to my dad. So you just worked, give it to your dad. Your dad would give you the money or not. Yeah. He gave me money whenever I needed it. Yeah. It was almost like my dad was my bank.

All right. Because at the time I was saving up for a car. So I wasn't like, I didn't need to have access to any money. I was basically just like giving him checks nonstop. Is this enough? And I would send them links to carsonautotrader.com. Yeah. And they were like, no, you've made $900 and you need $21,000.

I definitely was not keeping track of how much money I made. And I don't think I made any money to buy a car, but I got a sob at the end of the summer. And I got fries. Interesting. I mean, I think, I think there's not really a sense to me, the idea of like working a nine to five you don't like is possibly worse than just getting a summer job. Because you're, it's not going to lead anywhere and you're not even having fun at that. Yeah.

Starting down a career path that you don't want to be in is a worse look than not working, I think. Right. It's harder to change industries than it is to like take time and think about what you want to do. And also being 23, it's like, it's, it feels like time's slipping away, but that's very, very early. Yeah.

Even before that. Even better. So you, I don't know how she finished grad school so early at age 22. I was thinking, because bachelors is just four years college. Masters is what? Six. I think it depends on the field. It's like an extra two to six years.

I'm wondering if we should get a piece of, if you have a master's. She didn't even say that she was listening to the show that much. Yeah. Yeah. And she's barely, and now she's wondering if she should take a high paying job. Now I see kind of why you're angling for that a little bit. I'm just saying, like, yeah, Matt, because I don't want to limit it to just doctors. Right.

PhD. Or should we say she had a master's degree in HR and she was talking about becoming a bar cart girl. By the way, a lot of it is tips and there's no way she's going to keep track of that and give us stupid stuff. Yeah. Why don't we, when you first, I think we, we work it into the W2 when you, when you get your first job.

That's neither here nor there. We'll iron out the details of getting some cash. A piece. Yeah. Yeah. I think the advice is to take the higher paying job. It seems like from you. Right.

I need, I need some action on the salaries. What I'm saying. I've also, I think the, if your major is in, it's in OHR. Yeah. Hmm. Yeah. For some reason, for a second, I thought that was the same thing as hospitality and it's not.

Right. Oh, you're saying you can justify it. Be like, oh, I was a golf bar cart girl. Right. It helped me get my next job. Right. Exactly. Which is being an HR person.

But I think like you graduate college, you're allowed to have like one job on your resume that is not entirely related to your field as you're searching. Yeah. Um, easy. And first summer after college seems like prime time to not get a real job. Yeah. So I think enjoy the summer, keep your eye out on jobs. And I mean, you can apply to jobs while being a bar cart girl.

Right. So, because it always takes a lot longer than you think. Yeah. I don't think you have to take the first job that comes your way. Yeah. Unless that job is so fun, it's better than being a bar cart girl. Yeah. Yeah.

But you shouldn't let creepy old men fucking flirt with you while you're giving them drinks. Yeah, I guess. I mean, sure. Yeah. I think it's bad. Sorry. But you shouldn't tell women what they can and shouldn't do, right? And you shouldn't tell me what I can and cannot do.

Right? Yeah. Right. I'm not really sure. Is that right? Okay. Another question? Yeah.

This one is from a, let's see here, oh, condom crisis. Cool. Talk about girls and backpacks. My girlfriend has a little backpack that she carries around with her whenever she goes out. It has a main compartment and two handy side pockets. I see. You know where this is going?

It's backpack. She found a condom. Yeah. I found a condom in one. Yeah. I assumed it was just left over from the past, but fast forward a few months later. While looking for her phone charger in her bag, I noticed there was a condom in there, but it was a different condom.

Huh. We had stopped using them when we became official a few months into the relationship and we've been together for over a year and a half and living together for a year. Needless to say, I couldn't sleep at all last night. So far, I've come to the conclusion that I'd still like to stay together in a relationship with her, even though it's pretty obvious what has happened. There's still the issue of the current condom in her bag though. Ideally, I'd like to find out why she did that and why she did and without further compromising

on the trust in our relationship. What are my options? I'm in serious need of your help. Man. You never want to email us on no sleep. Yeah. What are you going to need to sleep? It's like out of white lotus.

Oh, right. She found a condom. I feel like finding a condom in the pack or the wrap, it's just not enough of a smoking gun. It will only lead to what it led to in the show, which is just a very gaslighty conversation. What she did was she gave him the opportunity to fess up. She was instantly like, what is this condom? But she was matched.

She said, what happened last night? Yeah. Is that all that happened? Nothing else happened. Oh, right. And then she said, well, here's this condom. Yeah. And he's like, yeah, okay.

So this is what really happened. But I didn't lie to you. And she's like, yes, you did. I gave you the opportunity to help. You definitely did lie to her. Like this doesn't quite, I don't know. Yeah. You can't quite do that because the condom wrapper is, it's unopened.

Which honestly leads me to my business idea. People often get caught for condom wrappers, but the wrapper doesn't need to say condom on it because you're already knowing what yours is. It should say werthers. Okay. I was going to say ketchup or mustard, but werthers actually is not bad. A candy. Yeah.

There's a word. I found a werthers wrapper in your backpack. Yeah, that's fine. Yeah. It's absolutely fine. You shouldn't say condom. Yeah. It should say fucking.

Spearmint. Yeah. Or cream. Yeah. Imagine a fucking condom wrapper and it says mayonnaise on it. Then you open it thinking it's going to be a mayo or whatever. You're spreading it on your sandwich and a condom comes in. Right.

Why do you have that? That's really smart. Yeah. That's really smart. Yeah. What about instead of a condom, it's actually mayonnaise? That's not bad. I love mayonnaise.

Right. That way you're not even using a condom. It's just the wrapper that says mayonnaise, mayonnaise inside and then you don't actually have the condom. It would taste better. Yes. You would use mayonnaise instead. Not really good for birth control, but at the same time you can't get a pot for using

a condom. Right. I don't know. I share this guy's concern, I guess. I would like to know, yeah. But I feel like you say, I found a condom in your bag. I noticed this condom in your bag and she says, oh, that's just, that's old. It's been there forever.

And then throws it away like it's nothing. But it doesn't, that doesn't alleviate your fears. No. Not at all. It's actually a new condom from the one I found a few months ago. Yeah. And she says, it's ketchup. You open it.

And it is. I guess you could say that. It actually is ketchup. Why is there this condom? So my business idea is ketchup packets that say condoms on them so nobody accuses you of being a little bitch. What? You know how you look?

You're just changing wrapping for everything. I'm a Willy Wonka sort of agent of chaos. Oh, we should do condoms, but there's a golden ticket. And in the heat of the moment, you open it up. There's no condom. It's just a golden ticket that says you get a tour of the Head Gum Studios, which I can hear. You don't get to have sex, but you do get to come here and visit us.

Yeah, you don't get to come, but you get to come here and visit us. Yeah. You have to finish on the bathroom. But you have to find the golden ticket. That's so small it fits in a condom wrapper. So you could be like, I found a condom in your bag, and then she tells you why. And then you say, do you have any other condoms? She says, no.

And you say, well, I also found one in your backpack. So that's like the catching her in a lie that will maybe put her off guard enough to be like, OK, here's what's happening. That's right. But then the other, I mean, you got to take inventory of your whole relationship also. Take stock of your life. Like, is it? Do you exercise?

Is it otherwise going well, or is, and the condom is the only problem? Because maybe she really did just forget to clean out her bag. You know, that could happen. That's also possible for a year, or yeah, it sounds like they've been living together for a year. Yeah. So I have a condom in your backpack like that, so open like this is in case I'm like, yeah, but like on the side pocket, those are kind of maybe there for her friends.

Which brings me to my last business idea. Yeah. Thank God it's your last. What is it? It is still a condom. It's a Smarties. It's a wrapper, but it's a little bag of chips style. So instead, you know, condom wrappers, you open like ketchup, but imagine like you open

it out. Yeah, like a little late. A lace bag, the size of less half of a potato chip. Yeah. Open it. Still greasy inside for some reason. Right. Because it's like condoms are greasy.

Yeah. It could be lubricated or whatever. Right. A little condom comes out. It looks like a potato chip. That way you get caught. So that is. One second.

The condom itself is a chip. And it doubles as a condom. Can you wear it? No way. It's way too crisp. So it's a wet potato chip. It's not bad. I mean, you said it's greasy for some reason, and then as a condom is greasy, but you said

now that it's a chip. Yeah. And you said that it could have been lube that was making it greasy. So it's a lube covered. On a baked chip. It's baked. I'm out. It's absolutely nasty.

Yeah, baked. No, thank you. It needs to be fried. Yeah. And that's when I lost you. Right. Well. Talk to her about this.

Tell her about this, and then tell us about it. Yeah. I'm curious. Why did she have a condom? Yeah, I would love to hear the excuse. Let's get a follow up pup on this one. Let's get a FaceTime call with her right now. Yeah, remember?

She can explain it to me. Right. I want to tell you about a business idea. It's a Dunkeroo. But it's an IUD. Thoughts? Let us know. All right, let's take another break, come back, and answer more questions.

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Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not-so-tech, savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah.

For me, personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. My parents.

There are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're a great, really easy way to stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. You take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the Aura frame.

We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife, and you're trying to make a joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit, like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that, or the way you said it was kind

of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. She let her know with an Aura.

Yeah. Thank you. The Aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the Aura app. Add me to your Aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me at a pool or something. That could be funny.

Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. You deserve that. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift.

And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit AuraFrames. That's A-U-R-A-Frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait. Terms and conditions apply.

That's AuraFrames-A-U-R-A-Frames.com. Okay, go get your parents something, all right, and use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, Aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Yep.

Do you do Wordle today? I haven't done Wordle in several months. Wow. And I think it's kind of lame that you still do it. I didn't say I still do it, do you? I mean, I haven't done today's yet, but I'm down to give it a shot. Give it a shot. Live?

Yeah. It could be a fun thing to put on the thing. Okay. Let's do it. Can we put it on the thing? Oh wow. We can actually do it. First guess.

It's not up yet. Okay. I'm thinking out loud. Yeah. Chain. That's pretty good, actually. Yeah. Because you get the CH, which is like, you know, multiple words start like that.

And then you still get the two vowels, which is nice to have. And an N. And at the end is not terrible. Right. Yeah. So it's a solid option. Let me one-up you. Okay.

You're thinking chain? Yeah. I'm thinking Frank. No. No. That's right off the bat. Okay. We're in.

Frank, it's too much. It's too soon. It's too much. Actually, tacky would be a fun word. Tacky is not bad. Should we do tacky? Yeah. I think it's not as good as something like plain frame.

Yeah. Those are all basic. Right. Share. Share is good. S-H-A-R-E. Yeah. But let's go ahead and say tacky.

Okay. Casey, can we do tacky? Show me tacky. Doodle fucked us. Absolutely. Absolutely fucked us. Okay. Well, this is fine.

Let's go ahead and do. That's actually good. Let's do chain. That's actually good. Let's do chain. Well, there's an A in it. And a C, but let's see how good it would have been if we had done chain. No.

That's a fool's errand. Okay. So tacky, we should say for those listening and not watching. All gray. All gray. Okay. I call it the Earl gray. Right.

Second word is always the hardest because I always want to use letters that are right there. Proud. Yeah. Proud? Not bad. Not bad. Not bad.

Two things you are. Tacky and proud. So that's a really good back to back. So the end is things that are not great to be at the same time. Let's do proud. Show me. Proud. Oh my God.

Insane. Insane. This is a really rare star. Two all grays. That's a really, really rare star. I don't know where the letters are even left. Let's scroll down and see the rest of the keyboard. I need to see this.

Okay. So we've got, oh, how about slime? Slime works. Slime is a completely, yeah. Yeah. Oh, so also shine. Shine might be better. Shine is not bad.

Yeah. Should we do shine or slime? Oh yeah. No. Let's go, let's go, let's go, what did I say? Slime or shine. Shine. Shine.

Haven't let your light shine down. Also all grays. Whoa. Oh my God. Not, still not great. We still got 12 straight grays to start the program. Yeah. Which is rare.

That's hard to do that. There's no S, there's no H, there is an I, but not there. And there's no N, but there, we nailed that E. This is a tough one. I can't help but think we would have gotten that I, if we had said chain right off the back. Yeah, sure. But that's it.

Yeah, but I think starting with the yellow actually helps you. Morale wise. So it's got to be like something I to consonants and an I and an E. Or it could be IE at the end. Yeah, but then there's no vowels there. Could be another E. Oh, one of those double E's or double I's. Like mini, but M-I-N-I-E or something.

But I think you're... Oh, what about genie? Oh, no, there's no N. Right. It's something like that. Okay. What about there, so there's no N, there's no N. This is the kind of, it was dangerous to do this on pod.

Yeah. Because if it was, if we got it quick, great. Good for radio. Yeah. But now we have to sit here and think. We're stuck. Yeah, we are actually stuck. I can't even stop and move on because those sort of eat us mentally.

So it's going to end, there's going to be an I as the second. Or it could be first. Oh, like an igloo style word. Yeah. It could be anything. In V, like I-N-V-I-E or something like that. Not that that's a word. Right.

Yeah. Have you done the wordle today, Casey? No, I haven't done wordle in months. Any idea? Any idea what this could be? Again. Yeah. Yeah.

Finey or something? F-I-N-I-E or something? Mm-hmm. B-I-L? No. Q? No, it can't be Q. Oh, what about like I-E-G-E?

I-E-G-E? Beige? Beige. Beige. Beige. There you go. No, there's an I right there. Oh.

But should we still do it? Oh, what about, oh, but Siege, what about something like Siege? Is that beige? Yeah. S-I-E-G-E like that. But that's not going to ... We can do beige knowing it won't be the word because it'll give us P-N-G. I can't abide that.

I cannot abide that. What about liege? L-I-E-G-E. There you go. Is that a word? Yeah. My liege? It is a word.

And I'm into it. L-I-E-G-E. Yeah. You fucked up. Wow. I didn't fuck us. That's good. We've got a lot of letters right here.

So now we have the L, the I, the E. We know that there's two E's. Melee would be a good one, but it's not quite melee. Like three E's. So that E, that means that there is another E. Yeah. Otherwise it would be a gray. Right. So that E, I think, is going to go where the I is.

So E, and then the I is going to go at the end. And the L has to go where that E is. So like E-L- Oh, belie. B-E-L-I-E. Okay. I like it. That might be it.

I still believe. Do you be ly-ly-ly-ly-ly? Yes. That was a tough one. One. We got it in five. Wow. I mean, getting it in five after two rows of all gray is pretty impressive.

That was fucked up. The first two rows of that. That wasn't... The first two and a half rows. And now that I think about it, I did do this one this morning. Because when you said be ly, I'm like, that's definitely it. That's definitely it. Yeah.

Because I did it a few hours ago. I can't help but think chain would have set us up for success. Chain reaction. Chain reaction. Would be lie of the truth. All right. That was a fun little diversion, I guess. Yeah.

Let's get back to the matters at hand. Why not? This is a kind of sexy, sticky situation. Ooh. My favorite kind. Writing a lady. A lady's writing in. My fiance and I have been together for four years.

Congrats. We have a solid relationship and great sex. Nice. We recently had a daughter who is now nine months old. Cool. As you can imagine, the sex takes a bit of a drop off post baby. Fast forward to about five months postpartum and my sex drive was back in full swing. Awesome.

We have been into watching porn, playing with toys, typical couples things. And we especially have always done a lot of dirty talking. Why my fiance is a fairly jealous person in real life. He actually loves to hear me talk about getting fucked by other dudes in the bedroom. Wow. Yeah. You're in too hot. Yeah, you like it.

I don't personally have that fetish, but I like when other people have a fetish. Yeah. He likes me to tell him stories about getting fucked before. Especially making up stories about fucking his friends, etc. Whoa. Yeah. After the sex hiatus, following the baby talk, our dirty talk has become a bit more real. Just recently, his friend slash coworker, we'll call him Charlie, moved in upstairs

from us and he is so fucking hot. Holy shit, dude. This guy is cut and handsome. The perfect height with great facial hair. Oh my God. Imagine that. His teeth are kind of crooked and it's honestly the cutest thing about him. Oh my God.

Imagine getting invisible line to get your teeth crooked a little bit. Yeah. Just to give you some more character. Exactly. I feel like he and I honestly have a lot of chemistry as we're always catching each other's eye through the window. It is purely physical. Recently, while talking dirty in bed with my fiance, he mentioned that he wanted me to

quote, go upstairs and fuck Charlie while I'm at work one day. I told him a story about me doing it and he seemed really into it. I brought it up a few times since one then while having sex and my fiance has said, go ahead, he's moving to Australia in a few months anyway, which is true. So my question is, is it at all reasonable or appropriate to bring this up? Is it appropriate to bring this up in a non-sexual situation? Can I have a casual conversation with my fiance one day after dinner about if he would actually be okay with me having sex with Charlie?

I think it would be okay with me, with, I think I would be okay with him fucking another girl if it was that, if that was the trade-off, but we've never mentioned that before. So let me know what you guys think. We're obviously very comfortable. I'm horny and I haven't felt sexy in almost a year. Help me, Kings of Advice, thank you. I say go for it. It's just a conversation.

It's a logical next step from this dirty talk. Yeah, I think it is a very funny situation. It's like, yeah, I want you to go upstairs and fuck Charlie. Okay, I will. And then it's like the next day it's like, so if I actually did that or were you like in a zone, I mean, I feel like if this stuff is hot to him, maybe you got to find out if it's like, is it purely the fantasy that's hot? Or is it like, would it be really hot to him if you did it?

Because that's the perfectly fine fetish if everybody feels good about it. Yeah. I mean, there's different like, all these, the more adult I get, the more I hear about stories of like, me and my wife have sex with other people, but like they like to be in the room watching, like that's my fetish. I want you to do it, but at a party and I'm going to be there, but I'm going to be doing it to somebody else. There's all these like different gray areas people can live in.

So like this guy might want you to just do it and not tell him. This guy wants you to do it and him to watch. He like, I don't know what the hell he's comfortable with. Yeah. And why not just do it and then tell him, but he won't ever know if it's real or not. It's like, did you fuck my best friend? Yeah. Did I?

Or did I fucking not? No, no, no. Did you actually? Oh my God. I fucked Charlie. Yeah. Just like you told me to. When?

When you were at work. Sorry. I feel like a conversation is fair. It's fair. It's fair. It's absolutely fair. But he can't be so mad that you brought it up. Yeah.

But do you bring it up in the sexual situation? I think I would bring it up kind of like after sex and almost as not even like, I don't like, I'm not angling for this, but just like a clarity thing. Yeah. Like just so I know, like, do you, would you really want me to? Actually, you can not make it specifically about Charlie. Like, would you actually want me to fuck somebody? How would you feel if I actually did?

Right. Cause like you say that that's like a turn on in the dirty talk. But is that like a real, do you like, would you ever want that to happen for real? And if he is, if he's amenable to that, then, you know, you say it like any, who would it even be like Gary or some random guy or even Charlie or something. The fucking hot guy that lives above us. Cause that's just convenient. I'm not even like that attracted to him.

But if you want it to fuck someone else and I can fuck Charlie, I feel like I would do that in a heartbeat. Yeah. I mean, then Charlie has to get on board. Let's not forget Charlie. Charlie's on board. Charlie's fine. He's hot.

Don't want to mess with Charlie. He has crooked teeth in a hot way. Is there a possibility that he's turned on by just the thought of it and talking about it, but doesn't actually want to? Yeah. Yeah. People have like, they, you know, a fantasy, like the role play fetish without actually getting it through.

I think that's normal. Yeah. I think that's normal. Yeah. So I guess she does have to finally ask and figure out exactly what he wants. Yeah. Not just assume. But again, if you guys are comfortable with your, with like what turns you on and what

gets you off, I think it's, it's totally normal to be like, and I'd also be open. Especially cause she's willing to concede like, and you can have sex with someone too. Yeah. It might turn out to be great. And I don't think it can turn out to be that bad. He can't be so mad that you even asked. Yeah. Because it's like, it's just so prevalent in your sex life, you know?

Yeah. It's not like out of the blue. Right. It's not like one time he talked dirty and said this and now you're trying to capitalize on it. It's like time and time again, it's been coming up. Yeah. And then you ask him about it.

And if he's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I think you'd be like, what are you talking about? Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah. You yell at me and you want me like you're turned on by the fact that I do this. So I was just merely inquiring if it would be helpful for you to get into character if I actually did fuck Charlie.

Please let us know. Please let us know. You can just email me directly or whatever. But CC Charlie, I need to know. Yeah. Who are you imagining is Charlie? Probably the British guy from White Lotus, right? Oh.

That character. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Sort of like he's got a cool accent, although he doesn't have crooked teeth. Theo James. Yeah. That's pretty perfect. Oh, no, I'm saying the blonde-haired blue-eyed guy.

Oh, that guy. Yeah. Well, Theo James is also British. Yeah, that's true too. Yeah, I could text him. Okay. All right. That's it.

That's our show. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. If you have your own questions, your own theme song, send them down to ifirushowatgmail.com. Right. If you got a PhD in the last 10 years while listening to us. Yeah. Email us CC, the head of HR, at your hospital or place of employment.

And then our accountant. And then our accountant. Just so we can get everybody on the same page. Well, yeah. Yeah. We've been our accountant and our bookkeeper. Yeah. And we can that way.

Because like we don't want money coming in or like we don't really understand where this cash flow is. Yeah. It has to be buttoned up. Yes. It has to be above board. Yeah. And it has to be cash flow positive.

Yeah. For us. It has to be untaxed. This whole thing is pre-tax, basically. I don't know if you know that. Did I mention that before? It's pre-taxed. It's all pre-taxed.

It's based in Cayman. Yes. It's all based in Cayman. So like that's money that we're not even touching until we're 60. Yeah. But like to have that nest egg pre-tax as a retirement fund. In the Caribbean? Yes.

Inaculate. It's completely above board. Right. And it is buttoned up. Send all that stuff to you. If I were you show at gmail.com. And if you want more of us, we're still watching Jake and Amir videos on our Patreon. That's true.

We're actually about to write some new Jake and Amir's. Shoot some new Jake and Amir's. So yeah. It's a good time to get caught up over on the Patreon. It's patreon.com. That's right. And we'll be of course back next week as we always are. Let's hear that banger from Calvin Yeager on our way out.

And we'll see you soon. Bye everybody. Bye. If I were you show, If I were you show, If I were you show, If I were you show, If I were you show, If I were you show.