If I Were You - 587: Leave Me Hanging (w/Allison Williams!)

Episode Date: April 10, 2023

Friend and favorite guest Allison Williams joins us to discuss haircuts, cafeterias, and M3gan 2. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a head-gum original. What? Yeah. Yes, you love it. This is a head-gum original. Sick, Riff. Jake, your dog is sniffing me. Get him, Bingo. Get help me.

Sick of him, bud. We're back with Allison Williams. Holy smokes. Holy hot. How long has it been? Seven, eight, nine years? Is that all you've done the show? There's no way to know.

It's impossible to find out. I will never know. But I've missed you both. Even though I text you all the time. Anytime I listen to you. I've missed you. I've missed you. I've missed you.

I've missed you. I've missed you. I've missed you. I've missed you. I've missed you. Anytime I listen, which is all. Sometimes we'll just say, yeah, we'll say your name on the podcast to test. And I always say, I'm still listening.

It's incredible. My friends and family have stopped listening years ago, and yet you still persevere. Which I think means that I am your friend and family. Yeah. At the very least higher than them. Yeah. And tied. I guess at the very least tied, but probably higher than them.

Like a goddess, think you're amazing. Exactly. Yeah, like a deity of some kind. Our first episode that we recorded together was not too far from here, right? It was like at a hotel in Chelsea. Was that the first? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know if that was the first.

I thought that was the second. The first one was in Brooklyn. Yeah, at Rec Room. That's right. And then the second one was at the Chelsea Hotel. I think so. When the microphones were working. Have we only done two?

I thought we've done three. No, we have done three. The third, when was the third one? Was it in LA? Let's do like a little bit of dead air while we think of it. I thought there were, I thought two were at Rec Room and then three was in the hotel. Oh, so where was the first one? Could one of them been in College Humor?

The IAC building? Oh, the IAC building? Maybe. Did you guys ever record the pod there? Yeah. No? We did, yeah. No.

Just so far. No, we did. No. No. Yeah, we did. We could easily find out. But let's not. Someone knows the answer to this that's listening and this is a horrible moment.

We just have to Google, if I were you, Alison Williams, we'd be able to tell these things. Yeah, I could literally be like 12 keystrokes away from figuring it out. But why bother? But that's where's the fun in that. Yeah. Let's try to help figure it out. This is compelling. Even Dingo absolutely.

Dingo's done. Let me out of this room. He's going to try to skip ahead. It's funny because he's happy. He's happy as he's struggling to leave. Yeah. Okay, this is what? Episode 587, whatever.

There's like three episodes left, so we have to bring you back. Wild. Thank you so much for having me. It's a real honor. Four Timers Club. Big. Made it at the buzzer. Yeah, I guess so.

That was the goal from the beginning. I was like, I want to do this show exactly four times. And we all look exactly the same. We do more or less. Yeah. A lot of life has happened. Yeah. Are you okay?

No, I'm fine. Yeah. I think it's an emotional support dog in the studio. I need this. Yeah. This is Dingo's debut. It is Dingo's debut. That's great.

No, I think you might have come on a Zoom video or something. Yeah, but it's in studio debut. In studio debut for sure. That's exciting. Yeah, for him. So he's going to be on the next four so we can tie Allison's record, actually. And I was just thinking, at least I get to beat Dingo. All I've wanted was to beat Dingo.

Dingo's mathematically boxed out from the Four Timers Club because there's only three episodes left. Well, he's been, he made an appearance on Zoom. It doesn't count. Tell him it doesn't count. It doesn't count. Like is this crazy? This is our strongest episode yet.

I can already tell. Oh, I should probably say who wrote that theme song. Yeah, it was awesome. I'm a newish fan to the podcast. Oops. Tough news. Sorry, bud. Well, at least there's a big back catalog.

There's a huge back catalog for you. Check out the Dingo episode first. Check it out. I'm not even sure if this is the right place to do this. I was getting some Wiener Schnitzel last night and this popped in my head, so I recorded it this morning. Oh my God. That's so impressive.

Have you guys been to a Wiener Schnitzel? The hot dog chain restaurant? Oh, no. Is he decapitalized it? Yeah, he capitalized Wiener Schnitzel. Oh, I thought it right. Okay. So that's a restaurant named after food.

Yeah. They serve Wiener Schnitzel as far as I'm concerned. I think they just serve hot dogs. Tacos. Yeah. Tacos. No. I'm a Meers age and I used to be in a band way back when I strummed guitar a few times

a month, but generally don't do anything with music anymore, so this was kind of fun. I was right, too. It was excellent, especially to have done it in a morning. It's very impressive. After Wiener Schnitzel, it's all fine. Imagine getting two hot dogs that night, waking up and just strumming this shit. It's like going to eat Wiener Schnitzel from now on. Yeah.

I would imagine. Day late leftover Wiener Schnitzel. Does he want us to plug anything or just Wiener Schnitzel? Yeah, there was a YouTube page. He has an endorsement deal, actually, with Wiener Schnitzel. Starter Kit Ray appears to be the name of this YouTube page. I don't know if there's music on here, but oh, dear God. That's the theme again.

Starter Kit Ray. Shout out to Starter Kit Ray. Cool. I owe you guys for the fact that I recently went down a big newfound glory. I was back in that. Recently? Yeah, because you guys have been talking about it on the show. I just went back into my dashboard confessional.

I tapped back into the version of myself that was permanently looking out the backseat window. Oh, yeah. Moody dreaming about a boy who was unattainably 18 or something. Isn't it crazy how those things in your life are gone, but you can still tap right into those emotions. Like instantly. It's so weird. I listened to Hands Down and I am back in a young teenage body with so many feelings

and years away from ever having any kind of sex. Right, then you can turn it off. Imagine that it's right around the corner. Yeah, you can turn it off and like, oh, yeah, great. Now I have a wife and a house, but I still feel the feelings. Well, I don't have a wife and a house, but I have other things. You'll get there. Must be nice.

Yeah, it must be nice to have a wife and a house. A wife and a house and a dog. So way to rub it in. I fucked up and accidentally have a male fiance and a baby and a house and a dog. So what did you revisit? All of that, like that entire genre. Newfound glory. Yeah.

Dashboard. I kind of let my spotify. I was like, you know what to do. And they were like, yeah, we do. And so I was back in it, but it even went into like Andrew W.K. a little bit. And I was like, oh my God, yeah, we're in it. It's so fun. Yeah, it was really fun to be back in that.

I know that some people didn't leave. I just, I can't take that in every day until it's like a little dessert. Yeah. Like some trips I would go on. That would be the soundtrack to my trip. Just a shot of angst. Yeah. It's a really nice way to spend the day.

So good. Yeah. I was going to say, did you hear, I don't know if we released the episode yet about us talking about this idea for a musical. Have we? The idea that we're like, okay, we're done with the podcast. This is the true test of Alison still listens to the podcast. I don't think so.

I believe that you have not. I think that's the next episode that is released. All right. We haven't released it yet. Our idea is that, okay, let's write a musical based in the 90s so we can use these pop punk songs to sort of tell a story. I love that idea. Okay.

I'm an investor. I've produced it. We are winning a Tony. It's incredible. There we go. The next podcast. It's perfect. No, the Tdap, I think was the last one that you released.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Yeah. Your near-death experience. Yeah. Yeah. My sister and my dad just talked to me about that. So I know that it just came out.

Yeah. Does your mom still listen to? My mom, I think she listens, but my dad is the big listener now. Really? Realist is to and from work. Wow. That's part of the years that you spent just shitting on him personally. Thank God.

Yeah. Dad, if you're listening, don't go to the backcat all. Don't listen. I love you, bud. It was all mommy, mommy, mommy. Yeah. And now he's in a real daddy stage. And now mommy doesn't listen anymore.

That's unbelievable. Well, she doesn't drive as much as she did. So yeah. Didn't you call him, and again, earmuffs, did you refer to him usually as like a crustacean of some kind? Yeah. I think a gourd. Yeah.

But actually, what is a coral, except for a dried out gourd of the ocean? Yeah. A crab is kind of like a squash. Right. He's sort of like this. He's a seaborse. Yeah. He's an anemone.

And an enemy. Yeah. And an anomaly. An enemy. An anemone. Getting an enema. Of the state. This is the song.

Yeah, dude. Let's go. I remember that CD I felt like I shouldn't have been allowed to have. Yeah. Like even just the cover art of it. It was incredible. Like a picture in my head. Yeah.

Nothing was funnier than like the music video where they're naked. I was like, this is the craziest thing I've ever seen. And TV was wild. They're streaking. Yeah. They had to lure it out. I miss those horny music videos. Me too.

I used to go to the Blink 182 shows and I guess a famous thing was that a woman would flash them. Yeah. Is that like a blink thing specifically? No. I think that's just like a. I think that's just what it's like to be missing. Yeah.

Maybe that just happens when you do music. But like you would see. I would, I probably saw boobs for the first time at a concert. Right. Because somebody was on, a lady was on a guy's shoulders and she would flash. Yeah. You know what I think? Like the Rolling Stones, but Mick Jagger wasn't like, look tits.

Yeah. But like, like Tom and Mark would shout it out. Yeah. Yeah. So it would encourage it in other shows. Dingo. Where are you going? He can't go anywhere.

Does he have a chill mode or is he too young? He's too young. This is as chill as he gets. He's not. He won't lie down until it's bedtime. He's not bouncing off the walls. Yeah. That's so funny.

Someday you're going to sleep 18 hours a day. I can't wait for that, buddy. No, enjoy this. Yeah, I like this too. If you guys are watching, you can see Dingo. If you're listening, we can, we'll just describe his each and every move. So he's sniffing a table at this point, sort of walking around, James petting him. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Yeah. He's a boy. He's a 90 pound, seven foot tall golden doodle. Is he nine? No. He's like 70. I think he's like 75 pounds.

He is really tall. When he stands on his hind legs, we can, we can dance shoulder to shoulder. Aw. Yeah. We do. We do. Um, should we answer questions or is it not that kind of podcast? It is like, I've been missing, I mean, no shade, but I miss the questions.

Yeah. The questions. That is the number one complaint we get. Really? Yeah. Jake and Amir talk too much and they're not answering questions. There's no more, yeah. We don't answer questions and we only do ads.

They keep coming back. They keep coming back. Thanks. Actually, Athletic Greens is sponsoring this bit. Part of the complaints. Yeah. Right. This isn't a break.

This isn't a show. Yeah. A sponsored segment. I'm going to take these headphones off at this point. Wow. I don't have to hear anything except for myself. Well, should I take them off? No, Allison's going to feel weird.

I'm not going to be the only one on. Yeah. I'm taking them off. They're gone. Oh, it's so different now. Wow. Now I, I'm just going to get lulled into this false sense of security. Yeah.

Now it feels like we're not doing a podcast. Yeah, exactly. What if I took them off and a little ponytail came out? She put them on Dingo. Yeah. A lot has changed in the last few years. Shaking out a rat tail. I shake off my ponytail.

My long hair. I got a buzz cut on her. It's no longer on. All right. We have a lot of options. Maybe you can, I can give you some titles slash subject lines that you could choose. Is there a game of foot? Ooh.

Oh. Oh. There's actually not. Oh, sorry. I'm just asking. Oh. Oh. Back into the coffin.

All right. I don't know. Is there, is there a one you love? I don't love any of these, but I'm down to love the one we're with. Love the one you picked. Yeah. Love the one she picks. Here's, yeah.

I mean, there's some pretty solid ones. Okay. Ghosts from Friendships Past. That one sounds up our alley. Great. Why? Because we're not friends anymore? In a way.

We all had a really bad falling out. We'll talk about it later. We had a terrible falling out. A come to Jesus moment. A come to Dingo moment. All right. I want to say it's a lady, so we need a fake lady's name. Well, Dingo.

Dingo. Dingo, you have a sister. It's actually a man. I messed up. It's a boy talking about a girl asking him to love her. Dingo. You have a dad. I have no imagination today for names.

What's Dingo but a man? Dingo. Dingo. Dingo sounds kind of cool. Gour. My former best friend's sister came back to town. Former best friend's sister. So imagine your old best friend's sister.

Yeah, came back to town in 2017 and I developed feelings for her after hanging out. Where she constantly expressed doubts about her current relationship. Oh no. A year and a half later, she ended her relationship with her boyfriend. I asked her out. But she started acting uncomfortable during and after the date. And eventually avoided me altogether. A month later, during our drug-induced moment of courage and clarity, I called my former best friend

and found out that he drunkenly spilled the beans to his sister beforehand regarding my feelings which made her uncomfortable, but she said nothing to me, and that was in 2019, and I haven't seen him since. Flash forward to now, and the only remaining friend, and my only remaining friend in town, and I was visiting with him, but he informed me that my former best friend was coming over to visit too, at which point I left early to avoid conflict. So this is a separate friend saying he was going to bring the former best friend, whose sister this person dated. So none of them are friends anymore? This is four years ago, at this point, they haven't seen each other in four years? Since 2019. 2019. Yeah, but then it was flash forward to now, and my only remaining

friend was in town, so I had a visit with him, and he wanted to bring the former best friend. Okay, I could tell my friend and his wife were disappointed that I left, and it's straining our relationship. Oh my god, these people are married. They are. To the sister? Yes, he married his sister. There are days that I feel that if I moved across the state, if I move across the state and changed phone numbers, I would be forced to move on completely from my old life and make new friends and possibly meet someone. Should I sever the last vestiges that bind me to this town and start anew, even if it means hurting my only remaining friend? Am I being overly dramatic about this whole scenario? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

Thanks, love, dingore. I'd say, yeah, I would say you're being dramatic if you feel like your only option is to move and change your whole identity. Change your number? Yeah, change your number. You could just not talk to anyone and still live in the same house. That could work. He has a wife? No, he doesn't sound like he has. It sounds like the friend has a wife. The friend has a wife. Yeah, okay. So basically, I thought we were listening to one story, and it turns out we're listening. So basically, the preamble about the friend was just a way of describing the falling out. So the sister is completely out of the picture. It seems like it caught feelings, didn't pan out. I thought that was going to be what this was about. Maybe it is. Maybe it is deep down.

I think he sounds like, well, first of all, very avoidant, but also a catastrophizer, which same. Good words. Catastrophizer. That's making a bigger deal out of something like this. Usually rooted in anxiety, which again is my affliction. Yeah. I'm the opposite. What's the opposite of a catastrophizer? So like something terrible is happening and I don't feel affected. It's just associated. Yes, exactly. What is it when you have both? Because I think small, annoying things that happen to me are the worst thing ever. And when big things happen to other people, I think it's nothing. Oh, I think that's just a sociopath. So we're all dangos. It's super helpful. It's about time we diagnosed ourselves 10 years into this podcast. That should be the

second to last episode. You have someone come on to diagnose you. It could be sponsored by BetterHelp. That's perfect. Oh my God. We should cancel the show. We're launching a new thing called BeyondHelp for you too. Helpless. It's good. It's like a sequel to Smartless. I think maybe I would try to get perspective on it, which might mean stepping away from that town for a little if you can visit a family member somewhere else or something. Yeah. And then I think coming back to it, you'd feel like you can let those things go, especially if people have gotten married and moved on. It feels like a lot of life has happened and you can kind of leave it in the past potentially. You could also look for new friends in your town. Maybe he feels

like he can't. Yeah, definitely feels like that. Yeah. Oh, I see what you mean. It's possible. Well, he's from Miami, so it's a pretty small little town in Southern Florida. Is he really from Miami? No, he's moved to Atlanta. Yeah. Moved to Fort Lauderdale. Have you guys ever changed your phone number? I tried. I started to and then got busy. So now I just have two phones and it's chaos. You have two phones for no reason, only because I was halfway through changing the number I've always had and then not even halfway, maybe like a third of the way through. Like seven of the digits and you're like, I can't let go of these last three. I'll miss the area code. Fuck. I did feel that way. I have a 917 and a 203 and I feel that all

leads just to the Connecticut area code. I'll never leave the 203. I don't think I can either. But so now I just have two phones and it's unnecessary. But the idea of like fully changing gave me a lot of anxiety. I feel very. Yeah, because like at one point like my phone is like the same one literally since 1998. Like I've had the same phone number for 25 years. Yeah, I've always had that number. So anybody that's ever met me can text me. But then I'm like, I'm getting all these like random calls from like. You're so famous. Yes, I'm so famous. And you published your number. How did I publish it? I tweeted it. It's everywhere. You doxxed yourself, bro. That's the problem. But now like I don't want to change it because then

nobody can contact me. Like what if I get a new phone number? The thing people say is they'll find you, which I guess is true. Yeah, I can always email. Yeah, there is a way typically, but then you think of that one exception. You're like, all right, I'm not doing it. Right. Yeah. I mean, could you just you get all your contacts on the new phone, right? Yeah, you can exactly. You can always text other people. Yeah. Yeah. So every once in a while, you just scroll through everybody and you're like, I want to reach out to this person. The problem is I have like 800 numbers on my phone and I probably text nine people. Yeah, I feel like I like my number. But if I could get access to a really good number, I would change it. Based on the phone number.

Don't say your number, but like what's it like? And also, is it similar to your social security number? Not quite. My example of a cool. My social security number is kind of goat. So is mine. I love mine. Cool. Let's compare. Let's compare. Sorry, what's your phone number? Not like what is it actually, but like what's the vibe? It's got like a sing song beginning, kind of like a doo, doo, doo. Yeah, just that's just your area code. I got news for you. It's kind of like, well, all right. So the first three numbers countdown. Yeah, pretty cool. That's cool. So it's not 987, but like it could be something. Something. Yeah, like 654. It's a countdown, right? But like, yeah, not necessarily right in order. But like,

so not so it's not like 654. It's more like 641. Yeah, it just descends. Yeah, but kind of like a little bit better. It's like 652 ish ish, but not exactly because we don't want to like give it up. Yeah. So it's adjacent to 652. Yeah. And then the next part is like count. It's two numbers that count up. Right. So it's not like 6566, but it could be. Right. Exactly. Yeah. So it's like 7316566. Exactly. That actually is really dope. Yeah. That's actually really dope. Right. What do you think of that phone number? I think it sounds like a phone number, which is in and of itself very cool. I'm going to reserve my judgment for when I can hear it, or I actually have it, so I'm just going to look at it and

admire it. Mine's the first eight digits of pi, so I don't want to get rid of it. Really? That's kind of cool, actually. Here's a crazy phone number story. It's in its incoincidence, but it doesn't really matter. So it doesn't sound crazy, but just know that this actually happened. So the odds of it happening are very slim, and it's true. What I'm going to tell you is actually not too much build up. My friend who's married to my other friend, they got their phone numbers before they really knew each other, but their phone numbers are almost identical. So like one is like 2528685, and the other one is 2128586. And now they're married, and they have like a nearly identical phone number. That's crazy. I thought you were going to say they were one digit

off. Not one digit off. Not one digit off. I had a high standard. But one digit off is almost less crazy. That's where it would have been interesting without all of the lead up, I think. The preamble. You said this is interesting because it actually happened, and it's true. So I said it's actual. It's actual. It's actual. It's actual, and it really happened, and to a friend of mine, and it's real. That's right. And that's obviously not that exact number, based on a true story. This is loosely based on true events. Right. Yeah, they both have a phone number, but it's not the same one. Anyway, should this guy move to a different city? I don't know. I got a fresh start. That's what we're doing. We're stopping the show,

starting a new one, fresh start. Yeah. I want to move. I feel like moving is a big deal. But if you want to move for other reasons, like let this be part of the reasons. Yeah. Maybe you could try an incremental life change, like get a cool haircut, or get a new wardrobe, buy a new pair of shoes, get something that will feel like a change without actually having to leave everything. I wonder if the shoes. Or hobby shoes. Yeah, get a new robin needle. Well, I got new shoes, and I sort of feel like. I went from a new balance to an ASIC, and things are feeling really different. ASIC is so sick. ASIC is basic. Really? Yeah. Well, what if you just commit hard to like a croc in all settings? Croc and sock? Yeah, a croc and sock. With no gibbits. Yeah,

you can't. Don't undo this off. You don't know what a gibbit is now. It's the little gems that you poke into the top of the croc. You're a mean girl now. You fucking loser. This is a scene from the musical. Oh, that's good. It's the guy feeling like really left out because he doesn't know what that is. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. It's the little gem that you put into the top of the croc. The entire cafeteria cracks up at him. Oh, man, a cafeteria scene is so good. Did you love being in a cafeteria? Yeah. Yeah, big time. I can feel your anger. Any area, really. You pretended to make it about a scene, but really you just want to see. I just want to be back in a cafeteria. You want a plastic tray? You want a tray? Oh, I want a plastic tray. No portion control. Yeah, yeah.

Just the fucking sloppin' mac and cheese and a piece of pizza. Every day of literal. My dad gives me a buck so I can get a Coke. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. My high school didn't have a cafeteria. What? My high school did not have a cafeteria. Did you eat lunch? What did it do instead? All the little boys and girls brought their lunch from home. So your mommy had to make you lunch every day? Yes, she did. What was it? It was a salami sandwich with chips and a drink every day. Yes, every day. A salami sandwich for lunch every day. No cheese. Like literally bread, salami bread. Well, when you say like that. Is there a sauce or a spread? A mayo? If you say mayo, I'm going to throw up. Never had a sauce or a spread. Sometimes there would be a hummus in a

pita, but mostly, yeah, salami. And I think I brought this up before, yeah, chips. And a drink. What kind of drink? Bakerly's. Bakerly's? Bakerly's. Those were around when you were a kid? Yeah. Yeah, they were around. Wait a second, what drink? I asked you about the drink asshole. It was mostly bottled water. Bottled? Come on. Yeah, I wasn't a soda kid. We didn't know better. We couldn't know it. No fruit, no veggie, no side. Yeah, there was an occasional sliced apple in there. If necessary. What kind of lunchbox were you working? It was a bag. It was almost like a freezer bag, you know, like a blue, almost like a velcro-y. Actually, in high school, my dad made me a chicken salad. Actually, I wasn't done. My dad made me chicken salad every day of the week. And it

did have grapes in it. Yeah. And it did have raisins next to it. It had bacon in it, actually. Wow, really? That was chicken salad with bacon. That sounds more really good. It was really good. Wow. It was really good. And I think smart food. That's popcorn next to it. Oh, yeah. No. I'm saying chicken salad is smart food because you can batch make it. I also had popcorn. It was cheddar popcorn, but I don't remember the brand. I left a residue on my fingers. I can't place what it was called. Pirate's booty, as far as the I can see. What did you have for lunch? I had a cafeteria experience, so I didn't have packed lunches other than camp, like day camp and stuff. So you just go to school without a lunch and then buy it when you're there or they give it to you

for free? It was for free because the school would cost money. So you're paying for the education and some of the food. They throw in the food. Yeah, I'm sure you pay for some of the food as well. Yeah. But I remember eating, you make the weird, it should not be loud. Like, they should not let children choose their meals. I used to eat like, I'd fill up one of the things with olive oil and just dump like a ton of salt into it. And I get like a porky's roll and I would just dip it in there. And that was like my lunch and like cottage cheese with balsamic vinegar. Like, I want to throw up. It's so nasty. That sounds kind of good to me. But then I'd watch it teachers trays and they would just like lump everything together, like mixing. Nothing was in a section

and it just seemed so nasty to me. I think it was just salad. I didn't know what it looked like. Did they give salad to kids or they didn't even bother? It was there if you wanted it. That was always like the most adult children were the ones that were like. Junior and senior year of high school, I went to private school and that was our lunch experience. You went through like a buffet line and you could get whatever you wanted. I would skip everything and just did a sandwich every single day. Yeah. At my high school, I think they were into like portion control. So the spoons they had for things were tiny. Oh, wow. Sort of a messed up. Yeah, it is interesting. Yeah. Fucked up actually. You know, like the little ice creams that you can get and then

it's like the spoon is attached to the little hood ones. Yeah. And it's like a little like a wooden spoon. Yeah. It snaps off the first time. Don't say that this is a spoon. That's how they scooped granola. That's how I ate soup for a fucking half of a popsicle stick. Yeah, exactly. All right, let's take a break. Hope this guy figures his shit out. Yeah, maybe move, maybe get some crocs. I think we got, yeah, I think we saved his ass. Definitely if you move, get crocs. And do some therapy. Yeah. How about crocs regardless? Maybe therapy, maybe move. Therapy regardless. Okay, fine. Crocs also regardless. Therapy is for everyone. Therapy is the greatest. Therapy one, crocs two, move distant third. Yeah. Change the number. I

think even if you move, keep the number. Yeah, you guys might as well. Yeah, just keep your number. You don't have to change it. And if necessary, get a new phone. Change yourself, keep your number. Get a new phone. Yeah, new phone. Yeah, two phones. Almost change your number. Get a second number you pay for. Two phones, different cell phone carrier. Don't move, but get a P to tear in the next town over. That's really nice. Make your way more expensive. Make a secret identity. Ten X your budget. A secret family, new crocs, one phone. It's just his only family, but he doesn't want to own it completely. So it's secret. His only family like an only fan? Yeah, for incest. Yeah. Oh, God. All right, we'll be back after these messages. Oh, come on.

Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell, yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress. Yes, sir. Yeah, so Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of the decade. I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great or? Yeah, I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right. And if you want the perfect mattress, you can go to helixsleep.com slash if I were you for

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you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial, everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. And we're back. Allison, do you have any? Only family. I say that out loud with the podcast. Real fan over here. Yeah. Okay, I have I've been sitting here. I can't believe I didn't think about this in advance at all. But I have thought of a couple of things. One, I didn't realize I realized that not everyone knows this. But as I was sitting here trying to untangle my bracelets,

if anyone ever ends up with a tangled bracelet or necklace or something, if you take two safety pins, you can like kind of carefully untangle them really easily. Oh, that was gonna be mine. That was gonna be mine. Trying to use your like blunt, dumb fingers for nails. I love that. I'm gonna use it. It's much and you also feel like a jeweler. You feel very like meticulous. My fingers are bony and thin, not unlike a safety pin. You kind of had Edward scissor hand, but it's like Edward toothpick fingers. Edward paperclip nails. Yeah, exactly. They're sexy, by the way. All the better to scratch you is. Yeah. God, I just sat here thinking about that. That's really good. I actually have a really small one like that, too, which is when you when you drop something really tiny,

like if you're, you know, maybe like screwing a tiny screw into something. Yeah. And you drop it. A lot of people's instinct is to try to catch it, but it's actually better to watch it fall. And then you see where it goes. Yeah, you try to catch it. You're gonna miss it. It's too tiny, but you watch it hit the ground and then you can find it afterwards. That's actually really beautiful if you zoom out a second. Like, don't try to catch it. Just watch it fall. Well, you just said what I said, but you didn't like apply it to a greater. No, I'm saying like, don't even like try to catch it. Right. And we're still talking. We know what you're saying. But we're still talking about a screw in your metaphor. Yeah, but I'm saying like, imagine that as a

metaphor for something. For like a baby being born. Don't try to catch it. Don't try to catch it. Yeah, just watch it fall. It's really messed up. It's bad advice. It's bad advice. It's gonna be a dad. Yeah, it's very great. Are you okay? What did you say to me? Try to watch it fall. No, try to watch it. That is the verb that's used. Catching the baby when the baby comes out in a vaginal birth. Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah. And you have to do that. You'll have the opportunity. They asked me if I wanted to cut the umbilical cord. Yeah. And I don't think I do. Interesting. Well, you get, that's why they asked you. Yeah. It can't make you. Does it seem weird that like, you know, like that's something that the husband is allowed to do, I guess, to feel like involved

in the birth, but it's weird that like my first act of dad would be to like separate the baby from its food source. Well, you can do it with your teeth, like opening like a bag of chips that is a little stubborn or obstinate. Does that bother you or less? It's the scissors, right? Right. Yeah, you'd rather use like a razor blade or a safety pin. Right. Yeah. Well, my issue with it was that I didn't get to use my teeth, but you're saying you know a hospital where I could eat the umbilical cord? Yeah, it's pretty natural. To call it like a hospital. Yeah, it's not really a hospital. It's a yurt. There's a yurt that will let you do that. All right. I videotaped a birth once for when I was working at my dad's like office. I saw him deliver. And you weren't supposed to be doing

that. You were supposed to be folding scrubs. I wasn't supposed to be, I was just supposed to be in charge of the files, but I like, I saw was a famous person. I was like, whoa, let's try to sell some of this shit to TMZ. You filmed it on your flip HD. It was a sidekick at the time. I shot it all on 360 resolution. So they wanted the, they wanted the birth filmed. They wanted the birth filmed and the dad's like, I'm going to be with this lady. Can you, you know, shoot some of it? So like, we have BTS. I'm going to be with this lady being another lady. Just random nurse over here. I have a date. There's a fucking hot nurse that I want to talk to. Anyway, I got so lightheaded that I had to put the camera down and leave the room. This is very predictable in my

mind. Yeah. 17 year old boys should not be watching that. Was it a, was it a, if it had been necessary, you wouldn't have been allowed in the, yeah, it was a vaginal birth. Right. So you didn't see the end. So you didn't capture the miracle of childbirth. The only moment they wanted. Well, I saw the miracle of somebody pissing and then like an appeasey on me, which is like, you know, to cut and increase the opening slash cavity. And at that point I was like, I heard they don't do that as much anymore. I don't know. I didn't really follow up on what the new practices were, but at that point I didn't feel well. Yeah. Right. So you left. Right. So this was the doctor or the father that asked you to film it. The doctor was a woman. Right. Oh my

God. He's sexist. The doctor was the mother. Wait, what? I didn't, that's, I don't think it's anything sexist. Do you remember that riddle? Yeah. I'm okay. I'm just making sure. I couldn't know if you were playing into the bit or both. I was like, yeah, but I didn't say, I didn't, I don't think I gendered the doctor, but oh yeah, you have to pound in your psych after 28 seconds of waiting. That was the only way to get the upper hand back. That was shameful. Gotcha. You're crying a little, man. So you left hanging for nearly a minute straight only to psych someone. No, you didn't really psych them then. They psyched you. Oh my God. I literally was so close.

I thought you were going to set it up. You kept it down. You were right about dingo, dirty in the room, and I'm just throwing up Diet Coke on your back. I still wanted to make a mess at the studio result. The funniest was that I first saw your face frozen and I didn't see your hands. So I thought, yeah, exactly. You added extra time. Any other unsolicited advice? I don't know. I have a bunch about baby stuff, but that's the most annoying kind of event. All you, all you get ahead of that is. That's the kind that I need the most. Give us one overarching baby one. I guess like for optimal sleep, for a lot of babies, not every baby, that caveat's always important. Just committing to darkness and white noise is super helpful.

We wanted a baby that could sleep everywhere. We didn't get one. So once we just gave in to the fact that things needed to be completely dark and traveling with black trash bags and paint safe tape and then you just put it over the white noise machine. That's going to be the hardest thing for me, I think, because I pack so light and I'm so minimal. Oh, that's so over. It's over. Yeah. And as we're like going, we're like doing baby registry stuff, Jill is like sending me everything. I'm like, I don't think we need two of this. I don't think we need this thing. Hey, we can use this for that, whatever. I definitely don't want to be traveling everywhere with garbage bags, but it sounds like that will take up so little of your

suitcase compared to all the other stuff. There's all kinds. I have all kinds of stuff, like stuff recommendation. Who teaches you how to do the diaper situation? The hospital? They'll show you how to do it in the hospital. Yeah, of course. And then you can do it yourself while they watch or you can just keep watching them do it until you feel confident enough to jump in there. It's truly so insane. I keep on thinking when this baby is born, they're going to leave me and Jill in a room alone with it. Yeah. You have to take classes to skydive and baby rearing seems even more difficult. Yeah. And they're not forcing you to take any classes. I took a baby class that was... But you didn't have to. I didn't have to. It was a class for babies though, to be fair.

Yeah, I went to kindergarten. I wanted to see how they behave. You're a big boy now, Jake. This one kid didn't share with me. I found that to be pretty fucked up. You bit somebody. Yeah, that wasn't okay, right? We talked about how that wasn't okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But he started it. You know that. No, no. Well, we've talked about it. Yeah. Yeah. He's doing it. I finished it. When I'm mad, we're just disappointed. Yeah, we're just, we just want to understand. Totally. But yeah, it is, there's a steep learning curve. There's a, but I have like products that I love. Okay. I need to know the products. Yeah. It's a lot about darkness and sleep because that becomes like so important. I was anti white noise machine for a second. I'm

on board now. For the baby or for you guys? For the baby. Yeah. I'm like, I don't want to just, I just hate buying electronics, but I'll do it. I did it. Yeah. And we got blackout curtains. So smart. I'm ready to roll. Yeah, you black out white noise. Yeah. Oh, and a gray matter. And gray matters. And making sure that everything you buy is green. Why? Like some kind of carbon neutral. That's true. There's so much waste. Yeah. Let's talk sustainable diapering. You can probably get away with two tote bags that you fashion to a sort of saddle for the diarrhea for the first few months. I'm going to let that baby sit on your lap for a little while. No. Say hi to Uncle Amir. That's me making the noise. Yeah, we change her once a day.

Because it's a tote, it can kind of collect. That's what we did back in the day and we turned out all right. Sure, I have a rash on my ass that never went away. Never went away. Yeah. I looked up the three episodes you've been in. Oh, yes. Episode 11, zero to D. Wow. That's really early on. That's really early. And that was at Rec Room. That was at Rec Room? Okay. Yeah. Episode 35, Merkin. Also at Rec Room. Yes, I think so too. Yeah. And then that was the third one. And then Episode 84, snooping. Which was at the Dream Hotel. I think so. Yeah. So you did three episodes all within the first 84 episodes. And then we had a huge falling out. Yeah. And now we're back. Wow, 500 episodes off. That's the, it's got to be the biggest discrepancy between two appearances

of about one guest in podcast history. I feel like we're forgetting one. That seems impossible. Yeah. No, in podcast history, I think that's a record. In any podcast. In any podcast ever. Wow. Well, it's an honor. Thank you. I expect to receive rewards around this. Actually, there's a golden mic back there. Oh my gosh. That I never thought this day would come. Can you reach? I don't know if you should touch it. I'll get it. I'll get it. Hey, hey. Let me see. That's a master. Oh, let's go. Game boy. Oh no. He soiled it. You rubbed it in your arm. I fixed it. Yeah. Okay, good. Really? Wow. Yes. Oh my god. Well, do you want it? Yeah. It says your name on it. We'll get that. We'll have that fixed.

Yes, you saw it this time. I'm peripheral. This is such an honor. I know I'm in the company of a golden mic recipient. I think I co-won one. She's doing a speech. I'm just like really moved and honored. I put in a lot of hard work. I played really hard to get for about 500 episodes. I pretended I didn't want to be on this show. It was a cat and mouse game. I listened every week, hoping someday. I listened every week. Our schedules would align. I contribute by myself when I listen in really meaningful ways. I feel like this. Can you just let me finish? Sorry. I don't know. It feels like there should be a consequence for being interrupted like this all the time. I feel like, yeah, I'm sorry, man. You get the turdy.

I'm really like, I hate doing this to you. Wasn't it going to happen? You're a golden mic accepted speech. I'm like a golden mic winner and you're just treating me like a person. 500 episodes since her last appearance. She gets the golden mic. An amazing moment. She wants to thank everybody. I'm like starting to cry, but I'm not there yet. It would have been even accepting speeches. You get played off. Not interrupted in the middle. Or just throughout. That's like a turdy. I'm sorry. It's like a turd behavior. It was very turdish. It seemed like I wasn't going to get the golden mic. Now you're trying to defend it. I feel like it's a second turdy. Oh, yeah. And that does feel kind of right. Again, I'm really sorry. I hate doing this.

I think he deserves it. If anyone should apologize, it's obviously for what? For what? It's like sort of a blanket. You don't even have to be specific with your apology. It can just be kind of like a... I'm sorry. Are you sorry? It seemed like I had a question mark at the end of it to me. If it means getting one of the turdies stricken from the record, which it sounds like it might. No. Then I really do apologize and I feel like shit. I'll strike one from the record, but you have to make an acceptance speech for the other one. There's no way that would take... All right, so it's two turdies for the day. It would demean it. It's two turdies. It's fine. I'm going to put it right here. Don't. Don't touch it. Don't touch

it. Don't look at it. It's so beautiful. It's gorgeous. Absolutely. People send us golden mics, but no one's ever sent us a turdy. I don't know why no one's ever sent us a piece of shit in the mail here. I feel like we've got a poop something or other. Okay, good. A little of fake duty. Thank you for that then. What was it like working with Megan? Is that a real question? No. Oh god, he's off. He froze. Seriously. I mean, it does sound fake and it was a joking timing of it, but was... How much of that was animatronic and how much of it was this 10-year-old actor? It was mostly animatronic, but she also performed most of the scenes and then anytime she moved

like in a big way, like for a dance or whatever, it was Amy who performed it, but it was like a mixture. We loved the dance. The dance was great. You can do the dance. The TikTok dance? I mean, I've been doing sort of light choreography on the side trying to learn the dance. The flip. The hand-free handspring. It's a one-hand kick. God, handspring is so cool. She's amazing. But yeah, so it was a mixture. The animatronic was like extremely eerie and real seeming, like just real enough to freak me out between takes. Yeah, which is how it came off in the movie, too. Yeah, exactly. It's just in that on Candy Valley. And they kept her going when she wasn't even performing just to keep their whole department

working together because it takes a bunch of different people. And so that meant that when the two of us were doing a scene together, between takes, she was just still... Staring at you? Yeah, or like moving her head and blinking and occasionally talking and not talking, but like, you know, moving her mouth and yeah. So you would just be like eating lunch and she'd be like... No, not during lunch, but if they're moving the camera or adjusting something. It was so strange. Yeah, but it was, yeah, it was very, it was a very cool experience. It was tough. It was really hard to like achieve Megan, but worth it. Yeah, and now there's going to be another one? Yes. Wow. Megan, two. Yep, that is the next number. But Megan already has a three in it.

I know, we sort of... Yeah, you box yourself in it, but you're ready for the three at least. Yeah, we were calling that from the beginning. Well, actually in four because the A could be a four. Yeah, we can just keep... I saw on Twitter someone tweeted a list of the names of the sequels and then the last one was Megan, Colin, Hobbs, and Shaw. I love that anything eventually becomes part of the Fast and Furious franchise. Yeah, it just absorbs everything. Exactly. I'm not mad at that idea. The Universal Family, you know, I understand. Family. Nice. But yeah, thanks for asking. No problem. I was also curious. Great film. I'm excited for this squeak wool. Has it been written? It's a work in progress. Wow. Would love a crack at the... Oh, really? Even a punch up would be

an honor because we don't really have a job going forward. Yeah, we're ending the podcast, but not like... What are you starting if you end the podcast? That's the thing. Yeah, we don't really know... We could be script doctors. Yeah. So, like, we've never written a script, but like, we could be like almost advisors or consultants or punch up sort of specialists. It's like, whoa, I know these two guys, Jake and Mere, they'll come up and they make every script better. Have they written anything? They haven't, but that's like... That's a lie. You guys have written many. Don't put that out in the universe. You've written many scripts. Jake and Mere scripts. Yeah. Jake and Mere script. That's actually true. And Lonely and Horny. Oh, yeah, those were good.

Yeah. If you sample them together, they're the thickness of a movie script. And it's all about the thickness, obviously. The script is mostly thickness. Yeah. I don't read anything. I just liked the heft of Megan, so I signed on to it. The movie felt right between the fingers. Exactly. You know what? Yes. Yeah, this feels like the right amount of time. The middle pages are just emails you guys sent back and forth. Yeah, you're not going to want to skip over those. Those are all pretty interesting and integral to the thickness of the film. I saw on our text thread when we were talking about doing this, I realized that one of the last things we had texted about was Lonely and Horny. Really? Yeah. You've been supporting us forever.

I know. Well, I loved Lonely and Horny. I set my things to delete after like 30 days or something, so I feel deprived of that. They're there. Oh, that makes me happy. I was thinking about the time when you guys were talking about haircuts. Oh, yeah. Did I text you guys after that? I think you did text us about this, but you should tell everybody. Well, I'll tell everybody this story. So I was in New Zealand filming Megan, and I'm listening to the pod as I do on a walk, and I remember exactly where I was. I was by the water in Auckland. It's all kind of by the water, but it was beautiful. And suddenly I'm listening to you guys riff about a haircut. I think it must have been Jake. Yeah, because I still want this haircut. Yeah. And he said,

maybe I'll just get Uhtred's haircut. And at the time I was walking around as someone who was about to be fianced to Uhtred. This is Uhtred from the show The Last Kingdom. And we had no idea. You're blushing. I know. Because now I think he might hear this. He very well may. Oh my god. I have a way of playing it for him. Yeah. Wow. And I just like froze in my tracks. It felt like I had heard people occasionally ask if I still listen to the podcast. They write in with that question or something on Twitter. And then you guys muse about whether or not I'm listening and I'll always text you and say that I am, which is probably a little scary. But this time it was different. It was like- Because we had no idea. You didn't know I was even with Alexander. No.

And so I just was like- I don't even know his first name. It's only Uhtred to me. Uhtred Son of Uhtred. Yes. But yeah. And I still think you should get that haircut. Do you really? But I also it is the maintenance of it is intense and Jill has to be part of that haircut with you. Because once a week. Yeah. Because this was my job between seasons. Well you just you have the clippers on like a zero and you like go around that circle that someone helps you craft. Wow. And you just keep it. Keep it tight. And I just was so- I would shake with nervousness. It's sort of a Viking mullet. Yeah. Yeah. God that's sick. Yeah. And then once he's filming he lets it get to like a one on the sides between. So but the tough part about that

haircut is that you also have to have like a face that looks like that. Yeah. You have to be hot. Like you have to be hot. He has a great face. Because I could be I could have a hot guy haircut but I'll still be like my ugly ass. Jake. Jake. No. No. There's no way. You have a very handsome face. You could pull this off. My face is not as hot as Alexander. But like there's a world where if you wear that haircut people won't think you're ugly. Right. No. There's a chance people might not think you're ugly. They might not think I'm ugly. They might not think you're ugly. You're ugly. You're garlic. Yeah. What about on the inside? Yeah. You are disgusting. You're a foul. That's what I'm worried about. You're the Grinch. Right. The Grinch who's hot on the outside

and disgusts you. Actually that makes me feel a lot better. Thank you. You used an electric razor to achieve this look. Yeah. The character Uhtred, son of Uhtred, doesn't have access to that. You would have like been cutting it crudely with like an old razor. Yeah. Whatever the ninth and tenth centuries. How would you get a one on the sides with a rock? What's a buzzer but a razor? And what did Vikings have but sharp axes and knife edges? Yeah. They would have been like a knife. Yeah. A knife's edge. I love picturing. I pitched this for as long as I knew him and never made it into the show. But I loved the idea of watching the Vikings do each other's hair before a battle. Oh my. Yeah. Because they're braiding each other's hair. Yeah. Because they're all braided. It's

like meticulous. Some of them have like beads in their hair. Yeah. I want to see that scene. I would love that. Of like a spa with a bunch of men just being like, can you do a French braid on me for that? I could honestly imagine it being done like not comedically just like guys just being fucking. Well, you see them like wipe blood across their face or whatever. But like, I don't want that. I want the like beauticians. You're pitching a college humor sketch for 2020. Oh my god. That's so true. Just fucking like grabbing someone's arm and be like, put a bead in my goatee, brother. I'm ready for it. Oh, you're pulling it. You're pulling it. I'm tender chinned.

I'll do it myself. That would have 3000 digs in two hours at least. Still the way I think about things. The digs on college humor. Oh man, I missed the internet. Please dig and reblog when you get home guys. It's a reblog. You really have to reblog on Tumblr. The internet is gone, I think, kind of. That version of it is gone. It's just videos funneling into different platforms. It's basically TikTok, but everywhere. So, TikTok has TikTok, but then all the other websites are TikTok. Until we don't have TikTok, if we stop having TikTok. Yeah. And then what happens? Do we exist anymore? I don't even know. I think we're done. How do I know what my next hobby would be if the algorithm doesn't tell me? Gosh. I'd have to just. Has the algorithm given you a hobby?

Yeah, tennis. I didn't know how to play until the algorithm started feeding me. You're too on the record about tennis, unfortunately. Really? Yeah. Did you ever do the lesson that I got you? Did you do the lesson that I bought you? Oh yeah, that was such a thoughtful present. Yeah. Really thoughtful because then you knew I wouldn't do it and you don't have to pay for shit. That's actually a really. Do you already pay for them? I actually do think I owe the guy money if you took the lesson. Did you do the lesson? No, I didn't. Oh, but I will. I promise. I have an image of how good you are and I'm really like want to know. I want to watch you. Did you play tennis? Minus a few levels. I know. I think you're good. I think you have a really

spin on your forehand. I try to get some top spin on the forehand, but sometimes the ball's behind me and I'll just sort of lob it back to my opponent. Do you ever still just totally suck? Yes. You turn a serve poorly. Correct. Yeah, sometimes it'll happen. Do you ever bail out on it? I used to be good and I haven't played in 18 years. At all. You've played once a year for 18 years. Two years ago, I played a couple times with my brother, but before that, essentially zero since college. Got it. My first serve is fast, but if I miss that one, I have to just dink it over like it's a ping-pong ball. I see. So you don't fall. I can still, my backhand, I can still hit pretty hard, but my forehand, my brain is fried. So

when the forehand comes over, I have to slice it over. A lot of slicing for control. Did you play ping-pong with your right hand and tennis with your left hand? That's exactly it. So I'm good half the time and sometimes I'll surprise somebody, but then most of the time I'm awful. Got it. Did you play? Is that how you know this? I grew up playing over the summers very casually and then the weirdest and most intense stage of tennis in my life was at my senior spring in college for some reason. All of us would play almost every afternoon, usually drunk and it was the weirdest activity to take up. But it was really fun and it was probably really good for us at that stage to be getting some

athletic activity. But like drunk afternoon college tennis is very strange. Just sweating out some of the alcohol. Replaying on the Yale fields. Sure were. Oh god, at least to practice there in high school actually. Beautiful. Yeah, I love tennis. My grandfather played until he was like 85. It's one of those sports you can play forever. A lifelong sport. I would love to get back into it. I would have kicked his ass when he was 84. You actually probably wouldn't. You guys have gone through this. Playing tennis against adults. You played a tennis against an old man and lost 6-0, 6-0. He wasn't old. 60 something, 70. He was in the 60s. 60s is not that old. That doesn't feel old to me. Yeah, he definitely seemed in shape when he's kicked my ass at tennis. My

definition of old keeps like going up relative to how old I am. I'm just trying to protect myself. Old is always 10 years older than my parents actually. Yeah, yeah, same. Because I'm like, well, they're in no danger of being old. No, no, they'll never die. They'll be here forever. Exactly. Yeah. All right, one last question. No, sorry. One more question. Another question. Another question. Another one. Does he still say that? I think he does. Why don't we call this guy DJ Khaled unless you have a coy Jewish name for him. I love DJ Khaled. All right, DJ Khaled writes, longtime fan, not my first email, but not the point. I'm a 19-year-old guy in college who met someone new after breaking up with their significant other after a long-term

relationship. Wait, wait, wait, wait. The syntax is confusing. I'm a 19-year-old guy who met someone new after breaking up with their significant other. With their significant other after a long-term relationship. Okay. Okay. We both got out of a long-term relationship and wanted to be just friends with benefits for the time being. This relationship worked well for a few months, but we started to adopt mannerisms like a real relationship, going out together, calling each other pet names. About a month and a half ago, she broke things off because she started talking to someone new and they started dating. Can we pause? Sure. Talking means what for youths? Probably dating. I don't know what talking means. I don't think it means sex. Are you hooking up?

I feel like it means flirty messages maybe hooking up. Nothing makes me feel older than not knowing what this means. I'm only guessing, but I've used that terminology to break it off with people before. Like I'm talking to someone else. Yeah, but for me, I guess I meant fucking. Like literally. Oh, okay. But I think for normal people, it doesn't. It means like I'm in a relationship that's trending towards romantic. Yeah. Okay. He said, I'm shocked about how much I was attracted, attached to her after a month and a half. I still miss her a lot. I don't want to be an asshole and tell her that I still have strong feelings for her when she's dating someone else, but I don't know what to do. Any tips to cope and or get over her? Thanks for the constant laughs.

Would you guys say therapy and crocs? Therapy crocs and maybe moving. Is that always the answer? That's why we can end the show. I do think therapy and crocs is consistent. Maybe move is all because that's we're not even telling anyone to do it. Just consider it. Maybe think about a move, which you will make anyway in a couple of years when you graduate. Yeah. Or as long as your brain and feet are comfortable, everything else sort of falls in line. Get him. Tie him down, restrain him. Emma. He just went for the golden mic. He tried to get the golden mic. I'm going to keep it over here. I don't know what happened to me. Where is it? I'm browning it the mouth. He's gollum. We have to put it behind glass. My precious. Big tases me. No. Down blooming fel.

Bad boy. Yeah, it seemed like this guy was not enough friends with benefits relationship. It seems like he was just in a real relationship, but the other lady didn't necessarily agree to those terms and doing stuff together. That's a relationship. I don't think so. I wonder if like maybe more than just like still feeling like you need more closure, you know? It doesn't sound like he's going to get it. No. I think you've just got to start getting yourself excited about being single. That's always the breakups go through the cycle that they have to go through. Yeah. Eventually, you get to the stage where you're like walking around listening to music in your headphones and you're like, yeah. Can I suggest After Midnight by Blink 182? Yes. Yeah. Great idea. Right. And

then you're like into the idea and you start thinking about all the possibilities of your next one and that's just the place you have to get to, but there's no rushing ahead to that, I don't think. That's a really good point. And Crocs don't. Yeah, and also Crocs in therapy because everyone should do therapy. Well, this guy is a 19 year old guy in college, so it makes sense that he's got these conflicting, confusing messages slash relationships that he's in. Most 19 year olds in college don't have their shit figured out yet. Well, communication is tough still and also testosterone just makes everything so hard. Yeah. No pun intended. It's just so complicated to have that much testosterone. I mean, when we did a episode together eight years ago,

this guy was 11, so it really kind of shows me. That is so wild. And based on the way he wrote this email, I think he was listening that. For sure. You should check out his first email. Well, it said, I'm down to seize the cheese of this 12 year old girl that I've seen. No, knock it off. Oh, God. Knock it off. He's 11. Yeah. It's fine because he's 11. Okay. They're peers. But it's not. They really were peers. All right, let's take another break. Thanks to more peoples and come back and answer more questions after these messages. Post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and

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Just go to stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you stamps.com for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast. You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. That's correct. I mean, this might be the goat father's day gift. I think it actually is. Yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech-savvy family member that you need a gift for soon, these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah. For me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know,

I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. Oh, wow. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents. So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're they're great. Really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby, and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we how we told Jill's grandma. She was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant. Really nice, asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a

joke of it. I was just being goofy a little bit like this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my god. Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame. Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement. So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah. Like your banana or your dog alongside

pictures of my daughter. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You can even preload photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah. It's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift and visit aura frames. That's A U R A frames dot com. And our listeners can use code head gum to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best selling frames. There it is. Oh wow. This is timely. The deal ends on June 18th. So don't wait. Terms and conditions apply. That's aura frames A U R A frames dot com. Okay. Go get your parents something. All right. And use the code head gum for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you aura. And now back to the

head gum podcast you were listening to. And we're back. Oh wow. Nice break. Yeah. Short break. It flew by like that for us. Yeah. Okay. Now we got one last question to get to. Okay. And we really have to make it count. Let's make it a good one. I know. No pressure. It's the last question Allison will ever answer on this podcast. This is sad. Are you guys sad? I have been getting sad. I was not sad when we made the announcement. I felt nothing. And now I'm sad. Yeah. Because it feels final or now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sad for sure. How are you? I'm okay. So this is a French Canadian. Are you sad Amir? No, it doesn't feel real yet because we're still recording. Right. Maybe you will. At the end of the last episode, which we have to record. 10 minutes. Two weeks.

Okay. Are you going to wait? Sorry. I have more questions. I feel like a responsibility on behalf of the listener. Oh yeah. Sure. Certain things. Right. Are you going to put together any kind of like the hits over the years? Like when the pinch emerges and toadah. And I feel like I there's too many episodes for I don't remember any of them. Your fans will know we'll show the way. Yeah. Like a like a super cut. Yeah. As an episode or like as like a like a long as like a long episode. It could yeah. I mean it could be anything but I think also since you have this huge back catalog. Yeah. If people want to get into the show. Right. It could be where they start best moments. Yeah. I think the first one had kill yourself at a Starbucks.

Was that the first ever episode? Yeah. First ever episode. Yeah. And people still say that one. I know. And out of context it's super callous. Yeah. It's fucked up. Yeah. I don't remember why it came up. I hope I didn't say it. No, I don't know. I never know. Yeah. Let's not release the super cut for sure. Yeah. Well, after 10 years, there's just too many. I don't even know where to start. There was too many. Well, the thing is the podcast got bad after Allison's last episode. I just wanted to see how you guys would do on your own and I kept waiting for it to get good again. Right. You'd find your footing. I feel like if we listened to just the first hundred episodes, we could get a lot of gold. A lot of good materials there. Just sprinkling

that magic dust everywhere. Yeah. I wonder what the best hundred is. The best hundred. The question for super fans. Yeah. Starting at what number to what number would you consider the right or no. Yeah. Oh, executive best hundred consecutive episodes. Oh. Good question. It's got to be 35 to 135, right? I feel like the early, early episodes are just, they have to be the best ones. Or is it the opposite? Like Jake and Amir videos, they were awful and then they got a little better. Oh, I think I feel like on a podcast, you like feeling that like energy and excitement around stuff. Yeah. So I don't know. We sucked at making Jake and Amir in the beginning. Right. So I think it's different. Or it's in, I don't

know, the exact middle hundred. Like a bell curve. And then the beginning and the ends were not as good as the middle. Prime years. I don't know. It just feels like you should do something to acknowledge all the years and all the many hours we've listened. I appreciate that. Well, I'm giving you work. Yeah. And I appreciate it. Someone has to. Someone has to. Give you a homework assignment. I think we need a fan slash producer. I mean, we could do like the origin story of like things that have kept like the pinch. Yeah, exactly. Seize the cheese. Golden Mike. Turdy. Yeah. Yeah. There are, there are a lot of like recurring names. Matt Damon. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. We talked about Matt Damon. I mean, that was more recently. The John, all the John, the original Matt Damon.

That was, yeah, that was pretty early. Time doesn't make sense to me. John Wolf was like. Oh yeah. That was before Matt Damon even. Yeah. And he was a guest on the show. Yeah. John Wolf actually came on. You're like, I don't know how to explain this to you. We just chose him to be a villain. You're a mascot. It was as if the Game Boy was a friend of ours. Yeah. Yeah. But that's not the case for the Game Boy. Right. Right? Oh. Sorry. Did you say here? He's invoked. Anyway. Okay. Sorry. Keep going. No, you're right. We should do something. I just don't know what. We have too much audio. Well, we have two weeks before we have to record again. Yeah. So maybe we can't find this stuff and play. Someone can help us. You just need someone nostalgic in your midst

to make you want to. There's a story that's out there. All right, subreddit. It's on you. Nice. Spider-Man. Yeah, exactly. Okay. This is a question from a French Canadian from Montreal. I believe it's from a lady. Okay. Let's do, I don't know. A French Canadian female name. There's so many. There's Michel. I just worked with a French Canadian hair stylist. That's cool. Michel. What is it? Michel. Michel. Michel. I've got the French accent. Really? Have you ever met Tom Cruise? No. That's awesome. Is it? No. Give her the pound. That would have been more, yeah. I just watched a few good men stand on the fly. I was real. It's okay. I'm okay. We're good. Thanks, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.

Just kidding. I just wanted you to feel my pain. Yes. Oh, nice. Do you have a scar on your pointer finger? Yes. Oh my God. I remember right. For what? This one. Archery camp. For real? They tied me to a post and they said, I had to put an apple in my mouth. I refused. It's so funny. Everyone has a story. They'll kill me. No, I think this is from scraping my hand on a friend's wall while playing indoor basketball. That was super painful. Scars of souvenirs we never lose. Yeah. Gugudals. Yep. Gugudals. Have you ever met a scars guard you didn't like? No. They seem like great people. Yeah, they are. I just found out that Bill Scars Guard from Barbarian and John Wick 4 and it is brothers with Alexander Scars Guard

from Succession. Oh, I would think of him as Trueblood, but yes, he's also from Succession. I would think of him as Tarzan. And their dad is Stellan. That's an insane family tree they have. Yeah, it's crazy. Just all tall, hot, talented. Sweden. They're built different. Crazy. Yeah. They both happen to be awesome actors and tall and attractive. And ripped. You don't happen to be ripped. You get ripped because you don't work. I should know because I don't do it. Okay. Focus. Michelle. Michelle writes, I'm French Canadian and from Montreal. My last year, my boyfriend of five years broke up with me. Last weekend, we were in the same place for an event with mutual friends and he saw my Tinder account and apparently it turned him on. So much

so that he fantasized all weekend of doing nasty things to me. The last night we were there, he told me he had something to tell me and proceeded to explain to me how he saw my Tinder and was having all these thoughts and I wasn't and he wasn't able to focus on anything else. He said he he told me to bring this to an end and that it was the only way to get rid of these feelings and was already feeling better. Yuck. I felt so weird and troubled and disgusted. I felt weird all week. So my question is, should I tell him he was selfish and weird and inappropriate to tell me this? Do you think he was hoping I'd say, oh my God, let's sleep together or should we never speak about this ever again? All three. All three. Yes. Yeah. He transgressed your boundaries. You

let him know. He definitely was hoping that you should have sex with him and be in his fantasy with him. He wasn't hoping to gross you out, but he did it. He wanted to he wanted you to be like, oh my God, I feel the same way. Right. I had the same thoughts. Yeah. I saw you on Tinder too. Yeah. Right. That was the fantasy. Yeah. And it didn't happen. So you can tell him that it, yeah, it was a transgressed boundary and in terms of never talking to him again, you'd have to to tell him about the transgressed boundary, but then you can also take your space from him indefinitely. And then you go to Crox.com. Yeah. You can order. You would have better help. Yeah, better help. Crox and oh, Zillow. For a new home. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. What were the jewels

called on top of the Crox? Jibbitz. Jibbitz. Jibbitz. J-I-B-B-I-T-S or T-T-S. Is that any jewel or is it a proprietary Crox jewel? It's literally just for Crox, right? It's just for Crox because Crox have like the perforated tops. Yeah. So you can get like. They're made out of like Croc material. Yeah. Interesting. And I don't think, I don't know if they are associated with Crox or if it's like a separate company. I don't know. It's a good question. I think it's probably separate. Yeah. If they swallowed jibbitz, huh? The company is like exists and then Crox was like, oh, that's what we use now. No, I think it may still be separate. Yeah. It's just like a way to jewel up your Crox. It's unbelievable. I'm just learning. It's funny. After 600 episodes, I'm

still learning about this stuff. And it's also important. And this is a really important thing to learn about. Yeah. Actually, I listened to Freedom. I don't know if you guys listen to that podcast. They talk about jibbitz a lot. Really? Really? It comes up a lot. They have them for their show. They have Freedom jibbitz. Do they really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. So anyone can make them? Yeah. Maybe you guys can make it. It's not too late. Merch. We never did merge. We did merge. We did merge. Yeah. Yeah. It's not too late. In the first 100 episodes, we did merge and then never again. General cleanliness. My joke. My one. My one joke. My dad still wears the general cleanliness shirt. That's nice. It's so funny. I guess him and Allison are down to the

last two. We're playing a game of Survivor where we record a podcast every week for 10 years and whoever the last person still listening is the ultimate fan. I will listen to that to the very end. Cool. Will you listen to the supercuts? Yeah. All right, cool. I will. Just from a place of narcissism wondering if I'm going to show up. I don't know if I will, but you know. The Merkin episode is an all-timer for sure. It's got to be. Episode 11. Oh, no. Episode 27. That was 34. Merkin. 34. Yeah. That's not fair, right? 37? No, 87 and 30, whatever. I can't remember anymore. Anyway. It's got a tattooed. 11, 34, 87. Wow. So it was 11, 37, and 84, actually. It's actually my social security. So does she owe it to him to tell him or is that only for herself

to get it off her chest? Yeah, whatever you need. At this point, he's already like taken shit from you, including your sense of peace and safety in the world for the last week. So do you do you? You do you? To quote the pod. That was another old-timer. Yeah. Old classic. Yo, do you. Yo, do you. God, I feel like I haven't come up with any of the jokes that are classics. It's almost like. That's why me and Allison will share this mic. Yeah. I came up with that, not Drake, not you guys. Oh, yeah, Drake. Drake is on a through line since for all of our stuff. Yeah. He's sort of been our North Star. That's true. Yeah. Canadian for Canadian reasons. French Canadian reasons. Well, I guess he's not French Canadian. No. Remember when I was joking

about being Drake's wallet or toilet or something? Is that anything worth discussing on the phone? It was fun on the day, but not really worth relitigating. Not worth rehashing. I could still I could do the voice. Yeah. Yeah. It was good at the time. It's old. I feel like it's dry. It's tacky. Tacky is a new one. It's tacky. They've been saying it's tacky a lot. Have we ever talked about the origin of tacky? I don't know if we ever did. Not that I remember. I don't know if it's interesting to anyone. Let's try. Give it a shot. It was based on a real thing somebody said in front of us. Right? Yeah. They called something you did tacky. No, they called something somebody else tacky. And it was so funny that we just now we say it as an insult in any occasion. I need to

know the story. You can leave out proper nouns that I have to know. We were I think it must have been in like 2010 or 11 or something. It was a long time ago. We were we made a TV show. We wrote a script. And the rest of the story is on Patreon. Thank you so much, Alison Williams. And we were pitching with the production company at ABC. Okay. And the like the decision maker at ABC was supposed to be in the room when we set the pitch. And then like right before the assistant came out and said that they weren't going to be there and we were pitching to the other people. And basically a death sentence pre-pitch. Yeah. But we didn't know that. We didn't know that at the time. It was our first time ever pitching. We turned to the producer and we're like, oh,

is that like a bad sign? And she was just like, no, no, it's fine. It's just tacky. It's a little tacky. It's a little tacky. Is tacky short for tactless? Maybe. How cool is that? Let me see the truth. Absolutely not. Move it away. Yeah. Actually getting closer to Jake. This time goes on. I mean, it just wants to go home. To be holding it to Alison's award. Yeah. Wow. Maybe I'll just all right. Alison, anything you want to mention slash get off your chest slash say on this the pen pen ultimate podcast. I have just loved for all these years listening to this show. Well, thank you for actually maintaining listenership from episode 11 all the way to now. I don't think I'm alone. I think there's a lot of people listening that have been listening

from the beginning or who have caught up. You've created such a deranged, amazing community. I don't know. It's just been so reliably nice every week to have a new episode of the pod during the Pando to feel like you guys were going to anxious your way through it with us. It was touch and go there. Yeah. The Trump episode the day after. Yeah, that was yeah. That's how I think of history is how you guys. We're going to see through the eyes of fans in the pitch. Yeah, honestly, throw out any other time capsule. Just put these episodes in there. Well, thank you very much because I feel like it was it was really exciting that we got you on the podcast so early. And then the fact that you stuck with us the entire time. Of course. 500

episodes without even fucking being on it. No, I just liked it. I was just a fan doing laundry from afar. Thank you. A fan doing laundry. Congrats guys. Thank you. And Amir, I wish you the best of luck in the remaining episodes for potentially finally getting two more swings at the bat. Ye old golden mic. Ye old golden mic. I'm over 583, but I'm down to give it another shot. With that persona, it's not gonna happen. Let's tone it down enough. Yeah, the pirate guy. The pirate guy. He's been trying to get pirate guy in the pod for all these years. Why introduce pirate guy at 587. I guess he's shooting. He's been trying shooting a shot. Yeah. Walk the turd. That's funny. Walk the turd. Oh, instead of walking the turd. Yeah, I actually like that. That's fun.

Really? It's like a former Peter Pan. I'm just triggered. Nice. Pirate persona. Yeah, we have a lot of musical questions for you having been in a musical. Yeah, I was. Yeah. Like how do you write it or like do the songs come first? I wrote it. I wrote it on it. Peter Pan. Yes, by the way. I think this whole episode has been about us. Thank you. I know. It's a lot has happened. What a cool thing to write Pan. Yeah, I did it. Just wrote it. Sick. The whole thing. So sick. Mosul. It was improvised on the day I heard it. Yeah, I wrote it and it was improvised and I want credit for both things. That's incredible. Anything to promote? I'm in a limited series that'll come out at some point this fall called Fellow Travelers on Showtime. That'll be really beautiful and great,

I think. That's cool. And then eventually, actually not eventually, on January 17th, 2025, Megan too will come out. They already have a date? Oh, year from next January? Yeah. That's almost my birthday, by the way. That's why. I didn't want to say it, but like that is kind of why. I mean, it's not quite my birthday, obviously. We just want to be in the vicinity. 2025. I know. It's very weird. I love a crack at the script. Yeah, you mentioned that. And when you mentioned it, I didn't react at all. Exactly. Yeah, my lack of reaction is sort of an indicator of how I still feel. Yes, exactly. Like I'm putting you on the spot, almost forcing your hand to give me a thought. But no, that was before I saw the pirate persona and now I'm sort of like, I wouldn't

trust him with anything. I wonder if Megan can have a boyfriend like a pirate or something like that. Like a Captain Hook doll come to life. Yeah, exactly. This is a version of it that I'm not as into, but let's keep iterating. Yeah, because we're blue sky. Let's wipe board it. There are no bad ideas yet, Ms. Turner. Except for that one. Yeah, that was wrong. That's a bad idea. That was hard. Because pirates even though Universal Film, I don't even know the legal rights slash ramifications of putting a pirate. There's no way that Captain Jack Sparrow could be in that world, right? Well, not anymore because of the whole trial. And we're trying to blue sky, but I need to shut you down just on that. Just put one cloud. Yeah, let's brainstorm,

but let's cut off that kind of like thing. Yeah, just stop the pirate entirely. It's not gonna happen. It's tacky. It's tacky. It's not bad. It's not a bad sign. It's just tacky. They're gonna still green light your show. The pirate's back is tacky. But that's it. Just gratitude to you guys. Thank you. And gratitude back to you for sticking with us after all these years. I just was waiting for you guys to answer my question finally, but it looks like it never happened. Oh, yeah. Let's load that one up. Oh, yeah. Oh, the cirrhosis thing. I think you could just get a shampoo or something. No, cirrhosis. Cirrhosis. My liver is fine. Thank you very much. That's not it is. Yeah, it's a skinny flaky skin disease, not a liver failure of sorts.

No, I actually wrote in to ask if you guys thought I should do the pilot of girls. And you never answered. So I'm kidding. That's anachronistic, but I thought that would be a fun joke. Should I do this horror movie about race? What do you guys think? And I send it to you if I send you the script. It's tacky. I think I need to listen to us. Hold out for a note, I said, in 2012. Wow. How did you know? I don't know. I guess I had his emails. Yeah. All right. If you have your own theme songs, your own questions, I don't know how many more we need at this point. Yeah. But now's your chance. Now's your chance. Get them in before the finish line at the buzzer if I reshow at gmail.com. That's right. Let's listen to that theme song again. Thank you.

Ryan was it? For having me. Thank you to Allison for coming by. Thank you. Not an easy trip. Congrats on that. Congrats on that. It's a big deal. Hey, thanks. I know this is a really big deal. Yeah, don't look at it in a mirror, but yeah, thank you so much. We're still making videos on our Patreon. Yeah, let's not plug so much. It's a little tacky. Yeah, that's if I were if I were if I were the room is we still don't give you what you need to know.

If I were you if I were the meaning you That was a hit gum original.