If I Were You - 588: Smoothies (w/Avital and Jill!)

Episode Date: April 17, 2023

Our lovers Avital Ash and Jillian Vogel join us to discuss future children, current dogs, and what we should do next. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

This is a headgum original. Jake and Amir, two Jewish guys, with a podcast that's known to make you smile, they answer questions from the listeners so true, in a comedic style that's fresh and brand new. If I were you, what would I do? Ask Jake and Amir, they'll give you a clue, gold mic for Jake, turdy for Amir, two comedians bringing laughter, don't you fear? Jake with his wit and Amir with his frown, asking questions and putting them to the test.

Sometimes Jake becomes the Game Boy and Amir the chipmunk that's always a mess. If I were you, what would I do? Ask Jake and Amir, they'll give you a clue, gold mic for Jake, turdy for Amir, two comedians bringing laughter, don't you fear? So tune in every week to If I Were You, where Jake and Amir will answer your questions too, they'll bring the last from the giggles galore, with a comedic theme that'll have you wanting more. That should terrify everyone in this room.

Yeah, AI is coming to replace all your favorite artists. You heard that. That sounded awesome and it could just, it was created in a second. It's a very much. Beaver, goodbye styles. This AI is trolling you. No, that's what he said. He said, a long time listener, luckily in 2023 with AI, you don't need musical talent

so I went to chat GPT with this prompt, write a theme song for a podcast called If I Were You, where two Koi Jewish comedians named Jake and Amir answer listeners submitted questions. Jake always wins the prestigious Golden Mic Award and Amir always receives a dishonorable turdy. Sometimes Jake portrays a character named the Game Boy and Amir resembles a chipmunk and it's okay to be antagonistic towards him. That's why the story went on. Wow.

Yes, Amir with his frown. There's nothing more antagonistic than saying that I frown from time to time. Then I put the lyrics verbatim into an AI voice generator and clicked add music and the whole experience made me want an AI theme, Jake and Amir, even a chat GPT to write an episode. All right. Well, this is good because we're sort of ending the show soon. That's what you guys heard. We're in the real studio with Jill.

Jill just found out. This is Jill's my wife. She just found out. I can't hide it on my face. Yeah. And I'll be tall on the couch next to me. That's me. Very soft, everybody.

Great job. Let's do that rock girl. I didn't do it. I didn't listen. Love. So if you're watching on YouTube, you can see that it's a 48 carat, whatever, really expensive. However, those things work.

If you could shout out, my Instagram says this guy, it's Jake Berg. Jake. Oh, the Instagram is it's Jake Berg. At it's Jake Berg. And he also makes special effect videos and air filters hit me up if you need an Instagram face filter. Love it. Appreciate that.

That's fun. I've been looking for one. You can do the signature Amir frown as a. Yeah. Oh, that's good. Amir with his frown. Yeah. What he's known for.

I don't actually frown that much. No, never. The robot is putting me on blast. You know I don't frown. Jillian Teller. Never seen it. Always a smile. That's right.

It's true. But that's exciting because this is the second to last episode of our show and you sort of start getting the themes that the robots are taking over to the point where this guy like kind of recommends that a two A.I.s can write an entire podcast. Yes. Here's a question. How could you possibly top this podcast if this is the penultimate? What's the ultimate?

Impossible. You can't beat this. Oh, just the two of you. Just the two of you. Way to sell us down the river immediately. She means you and Jillian. Yeah. Just reflecting on the last 10 years.

That's actually not a terrible idea. Pretty good. I mean, hand off hosting duties to you two. Yeah. If I were you, it actually doesn't have to end. We just have to end. I always thought it would be really fun for me and Jill to do like, hey, it's a mirror and you're like, hey, it's Jake.

And we just never explain it and then we do all the things. You got a turdy. I got a golden mic. Anyone can do these bits. Here. Come up with a new one. Like, turdy and golden mic is a good classic. I don't want to let you go check my chat videos.

Your water just broke. Too much pressure. This is also technically the first podcast for your unborn. The debut. Yeah. Unless you're not on another podcast, right? Oh, no. This is the only podcast.

Just the one that I do at noon on Fridays. Right. Okay. So this, yeah, technically the first time my daughter's been on this show. Wow. Wow. Can we say or guess the name? Natalie.

Nailed it. Gordon. Right. Natalie Porcupine? That is a great name. Your next dog. Natalie Porcupine or next Porcupine. The dog can be named whatever.

The Porcupine should be named Natalie. Okay. That would be so good. Have you guys messed around with the AI stuff? Yeah. I've been using it a lot more than I thought I would because it's very good at bullshitting and like that's so much of what you have to do when you're like researching something. Yeah.

Like what are 20 ideas or something? Yeah. What do you ask of them? Definitely. What is the connection between this thing and that thing and they can draw or like ChatGPT can draw a connection faster than I can? What? Because it's going through like hundreds of Wikipedia pages and it's just doing that.

Give you an example? Yeah. I think I was like, oh God, this is so specific. Do it. What is the connection between like tap dance and like this one, what Gina, I don't know. This is like very random. Tap dance and Gina Davis? And it'll find it for you?

It'll like say, well, in this particular movie, she was like seen as doing this kind of dance and da-da-da and you're like, okay, thanks, ChatGPT. Do you have to thank it? Or I thought that was the beauty of the robot so you don't have to be a poet. No, okay. I think it's important to teach ChatGPT manners. Right. It's going to run the world.

Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to be like, uh, I think you're wrong and also fuck up. Yeah. Like when they become nascent, murdering, killing machines, they'll walk into your office like, she actually thanked me. Yeah. Turn to the left.

Just destroy Jake. Starts tap dancing away like Gina Davis. I think a lot of us are doing that. Using ChatGPT. Being very polite to it because we're afraid. As we should be. Yeah. Yeah.

I guess I'm not necessarily polite, but I definitely talk to it like it's a person. Yeah. Yeah. It's rude to people. It's like customer support. Right. Yeah. Yeah.

I talked to humans and robots the same, just casually. What's up, dude? Hello. Yeah. Like I'm their buddy. You used it to write our last like live show opening. Yeah. Yeah.

Which is pretty good with comedy. It was. It was so funny because like it wrote me like a really generic one. It was like, Hey, I'm Jake and this is a mirror and we're going to host this show with our crazy brand of humor. You know, the kind that makes you smile. And then, and then I was like, I gave it the response back. I was like, can you make it like a little more risque?

And it basically did the same thing. And I was like, now we're going to tell some, some dirty jokes and we're going to make you cringe. And then, then it gave a line to a mirror. It's like, and maybe we'll tell a few jokes about Jake's small dick. It wrote a pretty good line. How did it know you had a small little dick? Yeah.

Well, it comes through millions and millions of internet pages. So it's seen anything that's been written about my dick before. Yeah. And I actually think we've written, we've written extensively about me having a tiny dick in Jake and Amir. How did you try to write this in the voice of Jake and Amir and see if it can do that? I think somebody, we've asked it before to write a Jake and Amir sketch, but it just wrote like a kind of like random.

I get a lot of, I wrote, I asked chat GPT to write a Jake and Amir script and they send it to us. And they're fine. But like, it's like one punch up away from being useful. Right. Yeah. But in Jake and Amir, the hardest thing was just coming up with an idea. Yeah.

Because once you have the idea, you can write three pages of our characters. Yeah. Like Amir brings a toaster oven to work and makes a lasagna at the desk. Yeah. Perfights itself. I know everything. I know every single beat. And then, then, then you can just be like, it's a writer's assistant that you don't

have to tell, like, you get credit for this now. Exactly. Like you just, you were a digger. Replacing entry level human work. This was actually perfect because it kind of doesn't allow anyone else to get their credit in the door. Yes. We're in the industry.

We've slammed the door shut behind us. We can have room for one more robot on the boat. Yeah. But never again. A writing assistant. No. Straight out of college. No.

There's no need. No. Maybe when my nephew graduates, then I'll get someone a job. Or your Nepo baby. Yes. My Nepo baby. That's awesome. When Natalie Percupine grows up, she's insured a job, but everyone else is fucked.

My goal in life is to have a Nepo baby because that means I'm successful. That's pretty good. That's where the child is, by definition. Considered a Nepo. Yeah. Yeah. My fucking, my old man didn't leave me with shit, actually. I wish I were.

Well, you could have gone to a medical school and he probably would have had an in for you at his hospital, but you didn't live up to your expectation. You didn't hold your end of the bargain. You know what I mean? My brother did, doctor. Yeah, no. What's the worst thing that Natalie Percupine could grow up to be? What would disappoint you the most?

As a daughter to grow up to be. Oh. Yeah. I don't know what Amir did to his parents. What would that be for you guys? I mean, maybe she could do whatever she wanted, but I would be like, bad answer. I don't know. If she wanted to do comedy, I would maybe be like, I wouldn't stop it, but I maybe in

my head be like, I wish you try something different because then I'll just keep on having to go to comedy shows. I just have such a hyper specific example, though, because we were watching Love Is Blind once last night and I'm like, if she were to turn, if she were to grow up and be. On a reality show. No, specifically that woman. Oh, arena. On that arena.

And Love Is Blind season three, I'd be like, absolutely no. What is it? What is it? She's kind of mean. She's rude. She's so mean. And it's like. Well, like job wise, is there a job?

That's the job. You also said you wouldn't let her ride horses. Oh, never. Well, that sort of feeds into the being an asshole person. This is definitely not the first time we've talked about this on like a podcast. Yeah. And I've like come up. I've come out very pro horse, which I'm not.

I'm just, you know, not so anti horses. An equestrian is not allowed. Maybe it's because. To an equestrian, Jill says. You made this joke on podcast. That was the first time we're just on the same page. Yeah. I just genuinely think it's an irresponsible hobby.

It's not sustainable. What about motorcycles? Oh, I mean, yeah, I don't think I have to show that. Four year old on a motor. I'm not going to buy that for a person in any person. You can earn that with your reality show money. Arena, honey. Arena and the Pokemon.

Yeah, we should not name her Urbina like we were planning on. You can say all the stuff now, but as soon as that little princess wants a pony, Jake's going to have to give it to her. Come on, man. Oh, yeah. That's what Jill is saying now. Because she knows I'm going to come back for the pony. The first like second date or something.

I was like, by the way, never a horse. Yeah, we did talk about a horse for a minute, really. I didn't even think you could ask for a horse. Like that wasn't on my. Agenda. I was working so hard to try to get a dog and that was a no, let alone a horse. Yeah. Well, it's kind of a natural progression because I'll say yes to everything.

Yeah. So by the time, yeah, she's just going to test my limits and she won't find that. An elephant. Yeah, fine. Whatever you want. There must be books and stuff or literature at this point that like says like what you have to do from the zero to three to sort of angle your child towards one thing or another, right?

Like how to not raise a jerk. I asked about the other day, how do you not raise a narcissist? You did ask me that. I did. Or is it like engraved in their DNA? It's like, sorry, whatever you do, she will or will not be a narcissist. I know. I don't know.

Isn't there a thing with psychopaths that they're like missing part of the frontal lobe? Like it's physiological. Yeah, but I think it's still like a combination of things. Yeah. You can't really separate. Right. It's like a brain thing, but then also some kind of trauma. Yeah.

But like I. Perfect storm of stuff. When I first found out I was pregnant, I started eating like a lot more like sardines and like liver. So I think the frontal lobe is okay. Okay. As long as you eat liver, they won't be a narcissist. Jill had sardines.

I think our baby's okay. Okay. Cover this then and now all I eat is. You're yelling to a 28 year old. I had sardines for what? For you. Yes. Oh, shut up mom.

I'm gonna be on a reality show and I'm not here to make friends. I ate liver for nothing. Did she call me mom? Good. Well, think about all the narcissists slash assholes you know are their parents nice and sweet? Probably not. Right?

I imagine they call you. You know narcissists and their parents. I feel like you meet them and then that's the end of it. You're like, no, thanks. Yeah. I didn't think of like the biggest narcissist asshole that I know. Oh. Me.

I guess it's me. Your parents are awesome. Yeah, that's true. I'm awesome. Just like they are to me. Anyway, this is if I were you in a vice podcast, I guess the only one hosted by us, me and Jake. For two more episodes.

For two more episodes. And today, potentially our last guests, we haven't quite figured out what we want to do for the finale. But we have Jillian and Avital in the studio with us. This is a first, right? You've done the show and you've done the show, but never together. Have we done it once before? Yeah.

It seems vaguely familiar. Maybe during COVID, you guys both came on. Oh, yeah. Like a live show or something. Oh, yeah. Maybe it was a live show. Oh, I think it was. It was a live show.

I think so. Yeah. I feel like you guys both like walked into frame for something. Yeah. And we came, you came on after our wedding to tell the story and then Avital has been on. COVID is right. That's correct.

Yeah. But never together. Never together. We were in the basement in your parents' place. Yeah. But we're in the same room now. Yeah. It's amazing.

And the electricity is electric. I couldn't think of another word. The chemistry is off the chemicals. Let's start with an easy one to sort of ease our way into this show. Great. Since this is the fourth to last question we'll ever answer. Wow. How do you know if you truly like a girl asks a guy?

Oh. You have to ask. You probably don't. Okay. Next question. No, that was just the subject. Oh, okay. I have actually, we need a dude's name.

So, Jillian, let's call this guy what? Harrison Ford. Let's really love it. Nice. Harrison Ford writes, I have a friend. Let's call her Eleanor Roosevelt. How's that for a movie? Harrison Ford plays Eleanor Roosevelt?

Get the connection on chat GBT. Holy shit. Harrison Ford connected to Eleanor Roosevelt. Great question. And nephew. Whoa. Insane. Crazy.

I always thought I was, I had a friend Eleanor Roosevelt who I always thought was attractive, but only recently learned that she might be attracted to me too. For the past week, we've been spending more time together and doing some light making out, but we've agreed not to label anything. So we could take things slow and figure out what us actually is. It's been a while since I've been with someone. So this is really fun and exciting, but here's the problem. I don't know if I have feelings for this girl beyond just being good friends.

We banter a lot and have good chemistry, but I feel almost too comfortable around her and I'm not getting butterflies that I usually get when I know I really like someone. A part of it is that we're part of the same friend group and I recently moved to a new city. So I'm scared because if things go badly, I'll probably lose most of the friends I've made since I moved here. So do you have any tips on recognizing whether or not you have feelings for someone and separating that friend from someone you're interested in? Thanks.

Love. Harrison Ford. Nice. To really love a woman, you got to hold her. Beautiful. We're all weeping? Yeah. So that's that version of the song.

Who sings that song? You. Oh, it's on top of my tongue. Don't say. Is it Ryan Adams or Brian Adams? Is it? I don't know. I mix them up.

Gosling? I was going to say Edwin McCain. No, I would know. That's Albee? Yeah. Yeah. Brian Adams is correct. How old is everyone?

Is this an old reference? I think it's a song. You don't know the song? Isn't it from a Robin Hood movie? Or am I thinking again? I've never heard this song before. Wait, really? You really love a woman?

Yeah, I don't know this song. To tell her that she's a woman. Emma, have you heard of it? She's the one. Tell her she's a woman. Never heard of it? Cue it up. Yeah, cue it up.

To really love a woman, tell her she's a woman. That's wrong. To tell her that she's really wanted. Tell her that she's the one. Oh, you tell her that she's really wanted. Yes. To really love a woman to understand her, you got to know her deep inside. It's an 80s song.

It's an 80s song. 90s? No, it's early 90s. What? Maybe it's just his rendition. No, I said it perfectly. No, I said it perfectly. I'm shocked.

You could skip, too. This is shocking. If we both know it, I would be like everybody's older than you. Not ringing a bell at all. This is a, not the actual version, right? Brian Adams sings Summer of 69? I've never heard that. This can't be the right one.

Yeah, this is a cover. No, we got to go Brian Adams. I'm still lost. No. Wow. But this doesn't really sound... But if they don't know this, it's over. Yeah, anyway.

Wow. There was an entire song about knowing whether you really love a woman. But I guess if you guys never heard of it, we'll have to answer the question in the old fashioned way. Right. So you have to let her hold you till you know how she needs to be done. That is the... Oh yeah, it is one of the lyrics. I was going to say, you got to breathe her, really taste her till you can feel her in your blood.

I feel like that's actually going a little too far. This is about a vampire. Yeah. Oh, at least in 1995. What do you know you know? I think that's the answer. So Harrison Ford had a crush on this person, then found out they had a crush on him. Yeah, and it's like, do I really like this lady or am I just sort of enjoying hanging out with her?

And they've been friends for a while. So is it still platonic? I can't tell. Do we know if this person, if Eleanor Roosevelt has feelings that are developing faster than Harrison Ford's? He doesn't say, but maybe. But light making out feels like they've already moved faster. Making out banter. He thought she was attractive, recently found out that she concurred.

Attractive. Okay, okay, yeah, yeah. Mutual attraction. And so then the chemistry is like not maybe not there for this person right now because they're like, we're kissing and it's not really that interesting. Right. Well, to be a contrarian, I, there's an argument to be made because he's like, I just don't have the butterflies that I usually feel. And there is science to suggest that that's like a more of an unsafe response and that when something is. Like you're nervous.

Right. When you have the potential for longevity with somebody in a stable relationship and like an emotionally healthy relationship, it lacks that excitement and buzz because you just feel comfortable. And he even I think uses that language, right? He's like, we just feel really comfortable with each other. He also said he was excited. He's like, this is exciting. It's like, to me, the whole entire question sounds like he likes or he's into her. But then he's like, but I don't feel the butterflies.

So I wonder if you are feeling them and you're not recognizing them like the excitement and stuff. Right. And that you were attracted to her before. Yeah. Feels good. But like you said, if you ask, is the answer no. Yeah. That's what I mean.

Like maybe he just wants an out to be like, it's okay. You're just friends. Like maybe, but also I feel like this, this is like the magic eight ball where we need more information or need more time. I don't even know if that's on the magic eight ball. Ask another time. That's what it is. Basically, I think they should keep on hooking up and see and see if the chemistry. I agree.

If it's only light making out, then maybe it's, maybe the mood hasn't been right yet. Yeah. Maybe heavy making out needs to happen. Go from light to heavy. Yeah. Like, like you said too, maybe you need to get out of the comfort zone into a place you haven't been as friends yet. Like an environment, a new activity. Go on a date.

Yeah. Like romance it up. Right. Basically go on a date and then that's not like leading around too much. One date. And if it feels good, then good. And the date's not like no offense, but it's not like out of bowling alley, right? Yeah, we can agree.

Do you mean no offense because I used to take girls to the bowling alley? Which is just, you know, like if it's too loud, it's not as if it's straight. It's tacky. Excuse me. You got to go take this bowling ball. It's actually really, it's actually really, it's a really good first date. It's a very good first date. But they're not on a first date.

They need like lubricants somehow. Yeah, like mini golf. Okay, let's just take games off the table. That's what I'm suggesting. Okay. Like they need a... You're suggesting lubricant. A social, socially speaking.

Yeah. I don't like visit a Vaseline fact. I don't want him to just spook this person. Yeah. Like bring a bunch of alcohol for it to the next date. Also, I think you can say I'm nervous because we share a friend group. Like if you say this stuff out loud, it's not so overwhelming to just say. Yeah.

Here's what gives me pause, but I want to explore this with you. And she's probably in the same boat because it's messy for everyone if it blows up. What's so important is what are you looking for? Because I think if it feels like stable and reliable, but you're like, I want to fuck around for another decade, this is probably not going to work out. Right. I think if I met Amir 10 years ago, it's, you know, feeling comfortable would be not what I wanted. 10 years ago was a loser.

Yeah. A loser. He was a hideous troll a decade ago. We met nine years ago. What? No. Everything I do, I do it for you. You guys know that song, right?

That one I know. That one is Brian Adams from the Robin Hood Prince of Thieves soundtrack. And I guess later on, he did to really love a woman. I'm shocked. I can't get it. You've been ignoring us this entire time. Brian Adams' discography. He did do Summer of 69.

Yeah. That's a good one. That's a bad one. By the way, he came up with that one in 1984, so it's not even an age thing. Summer of 69. Oh, yes. Yeah. Wow.

That was that easy to really love a woman. Clearly trolling us or like supporting Jake in this weird fucking way where she's gaslighting us. We're being pranked. We're being pranked or gaslit. This is fucked. Okay. My advice is to lower the lights.

That's in this video right now. Not in here. No, but this individual seems to me like the lights are on too bright on this relationship. So lower the lights. Bring some vulnerability into your conversation. This is a beautiful deal. Talk about stuff that is not friendship oriented. It's really good.

Talk about stuff that's just a little bit more... Risqué. Yeah. Get into the... Get some butterflies out of there. Yeah. I'm talking heavy making out. Heavy making out is the only way.

We were talking about having like intimate conversations. But that's what turned into it. We're not talking about hacking. Franching. Deep franching. Yeah. Or you can have a conversation about it. Sucking face with each other or something like that.

Yeah. But you have a conversation with her tongue. Where is your tongue? Yeah. No, I got it. In a French style. In a French style. Excuse me.

Risk losing friends? Yeah. That's fine. That's fine. Because we need friends. Because we need friends. When you have friends. I feel like you're...

I don't think it's super risky to take the next step. You're not going too far if you do. Test out a romance. Yeah. So there is a chance he truly likes this girl even though he doesn't realize he likes this girl. Yeah. He really likes her.

He's...mixed. Yeah. He should take her to a mixed salad place on Sunset. To lower the lights. Can I get the Chinese chicken salad and lower the lights? Clink, clink, clink. Everything's clinking. Do you want the cauliflower?

It's really good here. It is so good. It's a great date food. You want this bowl of farts? It's really good. You want this bowl of farts? It's really good. Well, you wanted to go literally bowling for farts.

Literally bowling for farts. Not for farts. No one's so farts. For pins. For pins. Yeah. Got full style. All right.

Let's take a break. Thanks to sponsors. Come back. Answer more questions after these messages. Thank you to Helix Sleep for sponsoring this episode of our show. Hell yes. Thank you for making the sleep test, the sleep exam, and letting me ace it and become the doctor of the mattress.

Yes, sir. Yeah. So Helix makes a really great mattress line and you take a little sleep quiz to see what mattress is right for you. Yeah, right. Jake's been bragging about completing this two minute, honestly, like Buzzfeed light quiz. I don't sleep for the better part of a decade.

I don't brag about completing it. I brag about acing it. Because you got the mattress and it was great. Yeah. I got the perfect mattress. Thank God. Thank God I took that test. That's right.

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Squarespace. And we're back. Hey, Jill or Avi Tall. Do you guys have any? Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. It's a letter.

Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Oh, it's a letter. Yeah.

That was gross. Anyway, that was a mirror that improvised that. Why? I don't know. Yeah, you'd have to ask. You'd have to ask your fiance. Why did you do that? That's another good one for the retrospect is what's the first time we use that.

I don't remember. Yeah. I don't remember. Why did you say I'm coming? I don't remember what that's from. I think it was about someone's parent walking in on them. Honestly, it's so blue out, I don't even want to say, but jerking it off to completion. Wait, I think I understood that all of that was clear.

Yeah, that was clear. We just didn't know why. Why? Right. I think I was embodying such a depraved, honestly, probably I was doing a Jake character. And to get up there, I needed to like, like there's another, I remember specifically you like joking about like blowing your grandfather, like sucking and fucking your grandparents. That sounds vaguely.

You're really talking about a cereal, like a cereal mascot or something, some kind of like, yeah, like, yeah, it was like a cereal tagline or something, but it's about like sucking your granddad off. Does it sound like me at all? Could you ever imagine me saying something so uncouth, on air, on Mike, on fleek, on sweet, on weed? There's no way. No way.

On me. All right. I'm soliciting a device. What do you got? I was talking to a friend who was wondering if she was unhappy in her marriage and was thinking about this time with someone else. And I. Oh, this is when you were talking to Jill earlier.

This is heavy. This is heavy stuff. Nice asshole. Really nice. I thought we were just like talking. I wasn't going to name you, but it was. Oh, come on. I was just fucking.

She was saying, I'm pregnant. I just got a dog. And I'm in too deep. I don't understand. I know everyone thinks they're having fun, but me and Jill are actually having a lot of trouble. Well, I was joking. So it seems like.

Oh, yeah. No, we're all having a good time, but we are trial separate. We have two episodes left to figure it out. That's the first time I've seen Jill in a month. Why do you have to figure it out before the episodes are over? Otherwise, he's going to go off and not have a podcast record every time. I have these thoughts. Doubts.

Just the question of considering when you miss someone, if you actually miss the time in your life when you were with them. Like an X. Do you miss the time with Amir or do you miss being 25 and having all your options open? I think of that as sometimes when people who move to LA romanticize New York, it's like, was New York awesome or was being 24 in New York awesome? New York is awesome. New York is the best.

New York is awesome. I'm 37. Amir just started eating his musk up when you said that. Or was having a job at College Humor awesome or was being in your 20s awesome. Stuff like when you associate a fun time in your life with something else. What were the other attachments? Yeah, it's really easy to conflate one thing with another. Yeah.

Because you do end up missing something that you like. I guess maybe that's like putting putting it back in like something that you feel like is attainable. It's like, oh, I'm yeah, I missed this person. It's like, well, actually, I could see if they're available. Right. I missed this job. Oh, I could maybe try to work there again.

I missed this city. Maybe I should move there. But yeah, if you associate it with or if you realize like, I just miss being 25. If you associate it with or if you realize like, I just miss being, I miss this era or I miss who I was, then it's like, it lets you move on rather than, I don't know, keep on circling back and trying to chase something. Can just save you a lot of heartache and time. Yeah.

That said, you're still in love with your ex and I feel like you guys should give it another shot. Yeah, I had a dream about Harry Styles last night. I forgot you totally dated him. I know. In high school. But I told Jake. I was like, I woke up and he was friends with us.

But I think it was because Jake went to a basketball game and I was like, I think that makes him and set like court side. I was like, I think that makes Jake very famous. So you actually had a dream about me. Jakey. Yeah. Well, you were just invited by a famous person. You weren't actually invited to the mix.

Yeah, but I was there and I was court side. And to someone who didn't know who Ben was, they also don't know who I am. So you're equally on famous. So who is famous? Yeah. Who is invited? Excuse me? You were his plus one.

Actually, not even his plus one because he was asking around. I couldn't make it. Right. He was supposed to go with his dad. Yeah. His dad got sick or something like that. Couldn't make it. So then he invited me.

Yeah. I was like, I'm not there. But actually, actually, actually, excuse me. Actually, the PR woman who was taking photos of Ben at MSG turned to me and said that she was a big fan of our show. Wow. Yeah. So actually, I'm pretty damn famous.

Wow. When he came home, he handed me a Tootsie Pop. Yeah. And said, I brought this back from the game for you. Would your boyfriend, boyfriend, Harry Styles do this? No, that's the thing that made me think it was pretty cool. He had like a bunch of candy there. Access to free candy.

Yeah. You guys are pretty cool because I have lollipops. You get on the Jumbotron? I don't think so. I wasn't paying attention. There were a couple of times that I looked up and other famous people were on the Jumbotron. So maybe. Kelly Bacon and stuff like that.

So maybe they shot Ben at some point, but I wasn't paying attention. No, the camera would have been right in his face. Yeah. I have a camera story that I think balances out yours. So you have this Harry Styles dream and you're like, Harry Styles symbolizes Jake in the dream. Yeah. I had a dream where Ethan Hawke was coming onto me and I was weighed down by this man

and then I told him about it and I was like, but you'd be fine if I hooked up with Ethan Hawke, right? And he was like, yeah, that'd be fair. Oh. So different strokes for different folks. It opened up different types of conversations. You look like if you're hot and above 60. You said 50.

Also, I don't think he's above 60. Is he not? Ethan Hawke? No. He's got to be like 50 or something. Maybe 50. If you're hot and above 50, I love 50. He's pretty low.

55. But you can't box out Ethan Hawke. You already gave me permission. I would. Which version of Ethan Hawke was it? Ethan Hawke age. It was like present day. Maybe a little younger.

Present day. He's 52. Yes. If you're hot and 52 and above, you can hook up with him. Wow. He's as cool as I approach 50. I know. It'll always be me plus 12.

No. I don't think so. You plus 12 is actually not that much. Anyway, I think that means Amir loves me more than Jake loves you. Because did you give her permission to help her? I would help her. I would fucking be mad at her. I was also like, we were hanging out and it was cool.

It was so PG that I was like, I can tell Jake about this dream. Would you ever had a sex dream? Have I ever? Yeah. I don't know. Oh my God. Yes. Can I give my answer to that?

Yes. You're blushing. And you're glowing. I didn't want this to have to happen, but I'm also aware of time because I have to pee, but I didn't think that was actually going to happen. You could pee during the breaks for sure. You can also pee during the show. Yeah.

Just take the microphone with you. How much time do we have before a break? All vamp. I can talk for another... No, before a break. Oh, an actual break? Maybe 15 minutes? Oh, great.

10 to 15? You're good. I'm good. Loving them through pregnancy, put a bunch of stuff in it, and then it's like you can drink them in like five minutes and forget they ever happened, but you got the stuff in you. Are they a meal replacement or are they like a snack in between these? No, they're like a pack them up with a bunch of stuff and then hopefully you still have

an appetite after that because you're moving through your day, but like you put enough in it, it can be a meal, but you got to be careful about that. Normally when I make a smoothie, it's pretty bare bones. I've talked about my recipe. You know it. Banana, blueberry, strawberry, peanut butter, almond milk, and that's really it. Sometimes it's protein. So then I started building off of that.

Which one? What's in addition to that? Oh, now it's like I throw in a bunch of hemp seeds. I throw in a bunch of flaxseed and dates and sardines. You can do even like superfood powders, right? Spirulina. Yes. Spirulina.

We're talking moringa. Lung fruit. I haven't done that. Nutrition cardamom. Time. Turmeric. Cardamom. Old Bay.

Oh, cinnamon. Cinnamon. And then spinach. Spinach. Yeah, he's the great one. I'll make it for you. Trace minerals. You can just do loose trace minerals for you?

Just 10 droplets of that. I mean, see what we're talking about? Magnesium. I'm just. It's in the, tell me if this is too invasive. Are you using the Nutribullet or the Ninja? No, not a Ninja. Never.

Which one? We have the, which do we have? The Vitamix. Vitamix. Whoa, fancy. Okay. So are you using the Vitamix or are you using the Nutribullet? That's serious.

I'm using, I'm using, I know where he's leading the, he's leading the witness. The rules are always so wondrous. I'm using the Vitamix. I have a preference for the Vitamix. You like the Vitamix? Yes. It's an investment and it's paid off. I think the Nutribullet is.

That's when you drink out of the cup. Yeah. And actually I, maybe I talked about this on the show already. You're the only one that would know because our significant others don't listen to the show or care about us, frankly. I went from the Nutribullet. I thought I upgraded to the Vitamix and now I've gone back to the Nutribullet. Because of convenience or because of what?

Convenience. It's just easier to drink out of it and wash that versus this. It's easier to load that. Load, drink, wash. Yeah. Like we also, we keep our blender put away. So whenever I'm using the, that like big as Vitamix, I'm like grabbing the base out of the drawer, grabbing all of the pieces, assembling it.

There's a lot more to wash. So I really like the Nutribullet. Mind you, the Nutribullet's not on the counter. It's still in a closet away, but you're saying it's like two objects instead of or whatever three. It's a lot lighter, easier to clean. But you're making these monster smoothies. So you need to.

Cause I would say every time I do that Nutribullet situation, it leaks somewhere now or it's just like, I'm picking up the whole thing and flipping it on its head. It's not as good of a blender. It's more convenient. I think so. But again, I don't want to, you know, this is not a hashtag sponsored. I'm just sort of, no, that's like the gold standard is the Vitamix. That's the way to go.

We're poor and don't have one. Yeah. We have to match the smoothies by hand. The trick is your wedding. Your wedding is coming up. Oh yeah. Not to mention. Yeah.

I mean, there's no, I'm not, I'm not out here trying to say everyone should go buy something. Yeah. A $700 blender. Buy. But. Buy trace minerals. You can go buy trace minerals, but not, not a new blender.

You ever make savory stuff in a smoothie blender? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Like, like a tahini or something like a salad dressings. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'll do that. Green goddess dressings. You do that in the, in the. Soups. Yeah. I'll put parsley and salt where you drink the smoothie. I really hope not. I certainly hope you use the food processor.

Darling. I really hope you use the food processor. I take a soup. No, I take a soup and I put it in the Vitamix. In the Vitamix. Yeah. And then the soup purees it. Yeah.

Boom. Boom. Boom. It's got that horsepower. I wish we'd talked about that. Let's talk immersion blenders. We love. What's there to talk about?

Well, I'll eat raw veggies in immersion blender my mouth. Ouch. That visual is so painful. It purees everything. That's why I got the. Yeah. Like as an oral bee. Yeah.

I saw the care of sorts. Immersion blender a finger and had to go. You did? Yeah. Jesus. So that really struck a chord. I'm triggered now and I have to go. I'm so sorry.

I should have done at least a trigger warning for you. Thank you. But we didn't know each other then, right? You sliced your finger. Yeah. Before. Okay. Yeah.

Or because of. Yeah. I knew I was going to meet him. Yeah. Preparation. Yeah. Before you started this podcast. Until after we started the podcast.

Oh, wow. Right. So the podcast is technically the oldest relationship in this room. Yes. Wow. Wow. Well, Jill and I go back about 40 years. Really?

40 years. Back when Ethan Hawke was 12. Because when did we start the podcast? That's actually none of your business. Wow. It actually literally is my business. That's the aggressive year that we learned about. I don't know.

May of 2013. Yeah. Wow. 10 years ago. And we started, I think we started dating. I guess. September, October, November, December. Yeah.

Of that year. 2013. Yeah. So just barely. You guys are on the lead. Yeah. This is you guys. Cool.

We can chart our entire fucking lives through this pod. I wonder if our voices sound different just because when I was a 29 year old, if I sounded like a. I do wonder. Easily tween. I think I'd love to if I were you. That's what you sound like now. What's that?

This is my normal voice. What? Are you going to do a different voice? Yeah. This is the different voice. Can you out here the difference? Go ahead. Yeah.

Totally different. Yeah. Show us. Talk like how you used to talk here. Yes. Start now. Start now. Yes.

And then this is my normal voice. Right. Do you not hear anything? Right now. Your normal voice we hear. Normal voice we hear. And this is the high bitch crazy 29 year old. Right now.

I don't hear anything. Good finding. And I said that. As I talk right now, I'm using a high bitch fucking voice. Sorry. Why is that foamy? Oh, tell them about the two pumps of a hand soap. That's water.

Oh no. That was the other unsolicited advice that I didn't want to give because it would be sponsored, but I'm really liking. Oh, it went back down. Element salts in water. It's like electrolytes. Yeah. Add to water.

Okay. This is some brand. I know. Really. First of all, helps me stay hydrated because I'm drinking more water because it tastes better. And then also, yeah, you don't have to do like Gatorade with all the added stuff. Love Gatorade too, but this is supposed to be a cleaner electrolyte and it tastes really

good. Very nice. I'm making my own Gatorade these days. Whoa. Drop the recipe. I am. I got coconut water. I got lemon.

I got those trace minerals and I got some remedy and I got. I used the Vitamix. Salt and I got some raw honey. Just don't worry about the blender. The blender she's using. It doesn't fucking matter. It really doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter.

It really doesn't matter to me. It seems like she's often using the Vitamix. She's never used the Vitamix. Mix those ones up, how? That it's in a cup. Just in a cup? Yeah. I don't need a blender for a drink.

I want to try your homemade like Gatorade. It's called Gatorade. Thank you. And you've actually been drinking it for years. Nice. You should splice in some from the first episode and the last episode to be so sweet. So sweet. It'd be fun to just like react to the first five minutes of,

I've never listened to it, yeah. I listened to it like the week that it came out and I've never listened to it again. Wow, yeah, yeah, yeah. A retrospect. I listened to them all every night before I go to bed. All 500 minutes, this is so funny, this is amazing. That happened on our last episode too.

No one let me have reached out for a pound and Allison never noticed it. He sat there for 30 seconds longer, it felt like forever. Do you have a dude's name for this question? Bingo. Nice. Bingo's brother.

Bingo was his name. Let me start off by saying I love you dudes and it's been fun growing up with you for the past 15 years. Thanks. I started watching your videos in middle school and now I'm third, yes we are. Oh god. I started watching your college humor videos

in middle school but now I'm a 30 year old fighter pilot for the US Marine Corps. Whoa. Shit. There's an officer on deck. Can I get his info? He's been waiting for that. Can you what?

I need his info. Why? For a project. Oh. Holy shit. I know. I've been in the Marines for over eight years now and to be honest, I love it.

I'm doing the job I dreamed of since I was a kid. Flying a fighter jet is intense. Let's hear the whole question before you get his fucking info. He's gonna be like, my dick's so tiny. No, that's the thing, his cock is so big it doesn't fit in the pit. Is that the only problem? It's not social.

It's work. Fighting a fighter plane is intense, challenging and awesome as you can imagine. I'm so caught up in this career. I truly can't imagine what I do outside the Marine Corps that could ever compare as much as I love my career. It's equally tough on my wife. Sorry.

Get your stock with a podcaster. A fucker. That's so different. We're all trying to grit and nod. Yeah, that would sound exactly like me, unfortunately. We've been together for 10 years now, five married and we have two kids and a three-year-old and a newborn. Those are the two kids.

My wife and I have moved four times in just the last five years since we got married and it's really hard on her to get a career started. Additionally, she's always dreamed of raising her kids back home with our families, but as long as I'm on active duty, it can't happen because there aren't any bases nearby. She's told me that she's willing to stick it out

on the Marine Corps with me for a full career, which is 20 years, because she knows how passionate I am. But my question is, am I the asshole to put my wife through all this? The move's starting over, a new place, career setbacks, challenges, deployments being gone for stretches. While she shoulders the burden of raising kids, the list goes on and on.

Just in pursuit of living out my boyhood dream, is it really worth it? This guy sounds like the best person who's ever emailed us. I will love my country and my wife, that ain't the unfair either. Is it really worth it for me to put the partner I love through so much turmoil, not to mention, I live out my dream while she's denied her own.

God, this guy sounds awesome, so sensitive too. And he thinks about you all the time. When you're home, what are you doing? Are you doing the laundry? Are you lifting your weight when you're home? What would you do if you were me? That's his question. What would you do if you were me?

That's a good question. Yeah, it's really nailed it. But I agree with Jillian. I think that, I don't think that it's a zero sum game where you're gonna be happy and she's gonna be miserable. I think there are things you can do when you're home to make her happy and have it feel like her dream is coming true also.

Yeah, but he does feel like it's unfair. He gets to live out his childhood fantasy. Well, I mean, also look at the positive. I don't know the details of it, but I do believe that military families are really supportive. They have good healthcare. They have really good benefits.

So you are like, you know, while you're having fun and living your dream, you're doing a lot of really good work and providing for your family. And if she said it's okay, I feel like you gotta trust her. I mean, you know, sometimes we just say things, but if she's insisting that this is fine, we also don't know what her dream is.

Like he might be her dream. Whoa, that's really nice to say. He might be her dream. Can you turn that into a song? To really love a woman. Now does it sound familiar? Would you be down to be married to a military man? I mean, that's not,

I don't want to be the person to say no, but probably no. You don't support her troops, I bet you have. I know. I would do it for God's country. It's just, it's like, okay, wait, it's as if you were just asking me, would you want to marry an NFL player?

Honestly, maybe not. Interesting. What about a cornerback? You have to live with the team. You know what I mean? You have to be the, your house is where the athlete needs to live, right? I just think that is kind of a,

yeah, there was also even a point where it's like, well, you have to just make a decision of where you want to be in your life. Like if we thought we were going to live in LA our whole lives, so that's huge. But he was treated to Cleveland, and now you have to live in Cleveland or something. Right, right.

But at the same time, he's in the NFL. I wouldn't matter, I'd still have, it's golden handcuffs. And so anything that is like a relationship has golden handcuffs, I feel like you're picking your, that's your choice right there, but. Well, trust me. There's four of us here. You don't have to worry about that.

Jake's never making it to a professional athletic field. Have you ever seen this guy throw a football? Oh, he can't even. I'm gonna kick your ass. He's coming for it. He has very bony fingers. What happened to his hand? Yeah.

Oh no. You broke his fingers. Shit. He T-rexed over here. They're in front of me again. You're screwed. What about you? Do you wish I was a professional athlete?

No. That's awesome. I don't really care about sports, but you wish you were a professional athlete. So I guess I do wish it for you. Thank you. You want to be married to a WNBA star? Yeah, imagine like, so it's me and Sue Bird.

She has like two MVPs. Is she over 52 now? That's a great question. Does that work both ways? Sure. Your age plus 12 or mine plus 12? Your age plus 12. Shit, Sue Bird is probably like 41, 42.

Well, we can make exceptions for her. If she's your dream, I don't want to deny you. You do get a hall pass, Rebecca Lobo. Yeah. Who's that? An even older WNBA star, but I don't even think she's 52. Yeah, I'll break up his marriage

and try to make it work if that's what you want. That's obviously what you're angling for. I just want someone to make this guy happy. It sounds like she's making him happy. Yeah. I think you need to stop blaming yourself for thinking you're the bad guy. Just think of the positive things

and have a conversation with your wife about these feelings. But I feel like you're doing, you know, arguably better than us, so. Yeah. The email being sent is a very likeable, considerate man. Yeah, just the fact that he's thinking about this stuff. Yeah.

He's also eight years in, so he says it's roughly 20 years. Right, so she's another 20. I mean, if she's ever like, hey, I want to pursue this thing and it's in conflict with what his trajectory has been, then have the conversation. But if right now she's like, we have a newborn and you're like, my leave or whatever is great

to take care of this baby. Yeah. And that's what she wants. What's, if it's Army is like land and Navy is ocean, what's Marine? Well, you know, he says he's a naval pilot. No, that's top gun. Wait, isn't that what he said he is?

What did he say it was? I thought he said he's in the Marine Corps. Check, he's right in front of you. No, I can't read. He memorized that. So I thought that he's, so here's my vision of this superstar we're talking about. Yeah, he said he's in the US Marine Corps.

He's on a plane sometimes when he's deployed and that plane is like also has little planes inside of it. Oh, that's awesome. And then those little planes get, shoot out when the time comes. Is that what you call a bullet, a little plane? Right. Yeah.

That's sort of a Russian doll of planes. And so those come out of the plane. That's cute. Out of like the butt of the plane. And then they all like go overseas. You should be a general. You should be a general. Is that why you want to talk to this guy?

I wanted to talk to him for some research to just put me on the right. So I know you have one big plane, lots of little planes and the little planes come out the ass of the big plane. Can we invade Kuwait yet? Her sound effect was much better than yours. That was not as good of a sound. I have a lot of questions about Guam.

Like where did we land there? And where do we land there? Yeah, you're thoughtful for asking, but ultimately it's maybe fine. Yeah, ask lady. Don't ask us to ask your wife. Ask your wife. Ask your wife.

Tell her about it, Billy Joel style. Call your wife now. Tell your girlfriend. Say you've had the talk with a podcast. I don't know this song. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right, let's take another break. People can use the restroom if they want.

OK. And then we'll come back with one last act. Thank you to Stamps.com for sponsoring this episode of our show. Visiting the post office and dealing with shipping and handling is probably one of the most stressful parts of owning a business. But with Stamps.com, all you need is a computer and a printer and they can bring the post office in your office. So if you need a package pickup, you can easily schedule it.

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Just go to Stamps.com. You click the microphone at the top of the page and enter code if I were you. And that gets you a free four week trial, free postage and a digital scale. That sounds pretty good. Thank you, Stamps.com, for sponsoring this show. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this headgum podcast.

You know, Aura Frames is sponsoring not just this episode, but the entire headgum network, Jake. Wow. I mean, this might be the Goat Father's Day gift. I think it actually is, yeah. Yeah, not just Father's Day, but if for any not so tech savvy family member that you need a gift for soon,

these digital photo frames might be the best of all time. Yeah, for me personally, these things are perfect. I'll tell you why. As you know, I am expecting my first child. We got one for Jill's parents. We got one for Jill's grandma. Holy smokes. We got one for my parents.

So there are three of these bad boys in our family right now, but they're great, really easy way to like stay in touch with your family. You can upload as many photos as you want directly into my parents' kitchen. It's really nice. Oh, that's cool. So you take a photo of anything, perhaps a baby,

and then it goes to their digital photo frame. This is actually how we told Jill's grandma she was pregnant. We got her the aura frame. We plugged it in. Jill's grandma was pregnant? Really nice asshole. This was actually a really sweet moment for me and my wife. And you're trying to make a joke of it.

I was just being goofy a little bit like, this is how I told my grandma she was pregnant. Yeah. Yeah, kind of like she misheard it or something like that. Or the way you said it was kind of like, could go either way. By the way, Jill's grandma is pregnant. Oh my God.

Jill's grandma is 90 and pregnant. It's pretty cool. And you told me with a digital photo frame? Holy smokes. And we let her know with an aura. Yeah. Thank you. The aura announcement.

So you can instantly frame photos from any device anywhere and invite the whole family in on the fun through the aura app. Add me to your aura app. I'd love to upload just a picture of me like at a pool or something. That could be funny. Yeah, like your banana or your dog alongside pictures of my daughter.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. You deserve that. Download photos and add a personal video message that will display as soon as your dad or anybody connects to the frame. Yeah, it's a great gift. A really, really iconic gift. And right now you can save on the perfect Father's Day gift

and visit auraframes. That's A-U-R-A, frames.com. And our listeners can use code HEADGUM to get up to $30 off plus free shipping on the best-selling frames. There it is. Oh wow, this is timely. The deal ends on June 18th, so don't wait.

Terms and conditions apply. That's auraframes, A-U-R-A, frames.com. OK, go get your parents something, all right? And use the code HEADGUM for $30 off plus free shipping. Right on. Thank you, aura. And now back to the HEADGUM podcast you were listening to. And we're back.

If you're watching on YouTube, you see the dingo in the studio. The ding-dang. He's a carpet on a couch. Ding-ding. He is in heaven. Ding-ding-ding. A rug boy. What do you guys think of dingo so far?

Love him. Yeah, he's my best friend. Yeah. How long have you had him? I throw myself in front of a bus for him. I would throw myself in a bus for him, too. I would ride the bus for him. He's a really good boy.

How long have you had him? Since August? Yeah, end of August. It's not even a year. Not even a year. And do you feel like you have maximum love for the dingo boy? Oh, I think it's just going to keep increasing. Like, it increased even just like in the last two weeks.

Oh, right? Yeah. Was there a thing that happened or just? We were away for a little while. And then when he came back, he was just so damn sweet. And he really remembers me. I was never a dog person. So now I'm learning.

Is this the first dog that you loved? Yeah, of course. You don't love my parents' dog, Charlie? This is the first dog I've ever owned that I've loved. That's good. Yeah. Actually, let's take that again. We all love Charlie.

I'm not a dog person. I say I'm a dingo person. Oh, yes. He's a good boy, sort of like me with Luke a little bit. Yeah. Although you've warmed up to other dogs now. Luke has opened Amir's capacity to love. Yeah.

Period. Mostly, you know, other animals. Yeah. He's made you love more deeply and wholly. And soon, dingo will be my dog. I wonder if your child will make you change your relationship with dingo. Possibly, because I just will have, like, divided attention.

And now he gets all my attention when I first come home. That said, the child love will be different than the dog love. OK, so, like. And he's also, I think, the only thing that could make me, I'll never, I love him the max right now. And I think it'll just keep on going. But, like, the only thing that would make me, like, frustrated with him is if he was bad with the baby.

He won't be. You can tell already. And we even hang out with my nephew is, like, one. And he's so gentle and totally good with him. And we've also been, like, walking around the house, like, playing babies, crying on Spotify. And, like, every time he hears the baby cry, we give him a treat.

So he's, like, getting used to it. That's so smart. Yeah, I read to do it online. That's a genius. You guys can also bring the baby blanket back to him before you're home and put it around his neck and he'll get used to the baby. Baby smell.

We need these tips. Because I have heard, like, we should come into the house after we're gone, right? First, don't come in with baby. Well, what do you do to leave the baby outside? Just for one night. Just for one night. One of us waits outside going, I don't know.

I honestly don't know how I didn't think that far. Yeah, actually, Dingo's getting mad that we're talking about the baby, right? He's storming out of the studio. I've never seen him like this. He just put on a hat and he's moving off. He says he's too old for this shit. But he's only nine months.

I can't believe you guys, but it's been since August. In my mind, it's been, like, three months. Oh, yeah. He's grown. He's a giant. He's a giant. OK, one last question to rule them all. Yeah, this is from a lady.

So maybe Julian has her first name. And I'll be told you can do her last name. OK. Julianne Moore. Teamwork. Don't knock the camera, Dingo. Julianne Moore writes, I hope this email finds you well. I have a history of trauma and I have

a lot of anxiety and insecurities that I feel like this led me to sabotage relationships. I feel like I've gotten used to people not accepting and loving the way I am. So I expect them to leave. And then they do. And I don't want that. Do you have any thoughts on how I can stop sabotaging

my own relationships and or how I can become more secure, peaceful, light and free? I wish I could just wake up and not have any neuroses. Will anyone ever want to be in a romantic relationship with me when I'm like this? History says no. Oh. PS, I've been in and out of therapy for 10 years

trying to work on this. I definitely believe that it is improved. But I'm still not where I want to be. I'm almost 30. And I feel like I'll never have a sustaining happy relationship at this rate. Yeah, I would say give up. Give up?

Try EMDR. I'm kidding. But I know she's done therapy. But EMDR is like a condensed. What's it stand for? Or is it just like a known thing? It's like a cast or something? It's eye movement, desensitization, and reprocessing.

It's like it's supposed to where therapy is kind of indefinite and you come back every week and I personally was like, every week is not going to do it. I have a lot of issues. An hour a week is tough. And sometimes it's less. But EMDR is meant to be like a contained period where you work through like a specific trauma

and reprocess it. And it just is a speedier thing. Chuck Rhodes does it on Billions. Chuck Rhodes does EMDR. I've never seen Billions, but there we go. But now that it is. Not a bad for that. There's a lot of science behind it.

It seems so bizarre because it's really about like bilateral stimulation while you're processing, which can be that's why the eye movement, whatever, like some people it's moving sideways. I did it with like buzzers and they go off in each hand. Some people have done it over Zoom and there's like a thing that moves back and forth. Even like Beat Saber is a little bilateral stimulation.

VR game? Practical. Yeah. Seems like very self aware. The only flag I had here is like you're 30, like give a time. 30 is super young or almost 30. Yeah, almost 30, not even 30 yet. It's still, this is a long journey for sure,

but 30 feels like it doesn't have, it's arbitrary. It doesn't have to be some kind of milestone age where everything has to be in place in order for life to happen. I think I was feeling like this person to an extent and I met Jill when I was 28. Oh, really? Yeah.

Holy smokes, you had self sabotaging relationships? I don't think, yeah, I mean, I definitely didn't have as much trauma as this person, but I was sabotaging relationships and also just like thinking that I was a bad guy so I shouldn't be in a relationship. And I needed to like reframe that. Interesting.

Like thinking that I was a good guy so I deserved a good relationship, but. That's great advice, reframing. Yeah. But I mean, it sounds like doing therapy to help you do it seems really good. I just got lucky. Also, I've been his EMDR.

You are? Yeah, okay. His J-I-L-L. I wanna share. What does that one stand for? Jillian Beatsaber Lover Lab. J-I, is Beatsaber? Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said I Beat Saber.

I Beat Saber. So the most like insightful moment I've ever witnessed a mirror to have ties into this. I think about this all the time because I'd say like your EQ, is that what it's called, the emotional IQ? It's not like crazy high. Oh, emotional intelligence, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're very good at math. That's true. So you know, you have to pick and choose. Like you can't have it all, ladies. Choose what's most important to you. To choose what's hottest. Being emotionally intelligent or being good at math.

How about splitting the bill really nice three? How about 20% of 800? I literally know it's 160. That fast. But you're rather about that or somebody who knows. Okay, so I was like, let's go. I'm trying to distract from Abitel telling us about a time that you were in math.

I'm worried it'll be about something about my small dick or something. Why would that be anything? So it is small. He admitted it. I haven't seen it. We're waiting until we get married. That's the right answer.

Okay, so saying that everybody that you hear all the time is like, you can't really be loved by another person until you love yourself, blah, blah, blah. And so I also was like, I'm too fucked up. I'll never be in anything healthy. And I don't think that's true because I think you accepted me anyway before that. But I would sabotage everything

and would always find ways to ruin things. And at one point we were having some kind of fight and it was that. It was like I was just looking for some way to blow it up. And I'm gonna tell you what Amir said, but I feel like it's all in delivery and mine is probably not as good. Mine might sound condescending,

but it was so genuine and sweet in the moment. Amir just went, I don't like it when you try to make yourself sad. And it like cut to the quick of what was happening. That's nice. I don't remember saying that, but that's a really cool line. Yeah, I'm glad I did say that. Yeah, it meant nothing to him.

And it's like the moment that crystallized any sort of emotional entombment. I was eating a hokey while I said it. Sorry, I'm on a bluetooth. I was talking to the TV babe. You just answered the first question with that advice. I remember you bringing that up earlier on, but I don't remember specifically

what the fight was or anything like that. I don't know either, cause it didn't matter. It was just sabotage, it was just a way. So I do think like what you were saying, like Jillian sort of diffused that in you and Amir sort of diffused that in me. And I don't want to give the advice of like the right person will like you.

I mean, definitely try to work on it, but yeah. I mean, that's why I think it was like in tandem. Like I was kind of like giving myself, I was doing like daily affirmations and like still like failing and I would do them sometimes and be like, you're such a piece of shit and like say it, you know, do my whatever. I don't think that's what an affirmation is.

But I mean, I would do an affirmation in the morning, be a shithead and then like, you know, do it again in the next day. But like, you know, with feeling like I just keep on letting myself down. But I think working on yourself in tandem with looking for something and then like, maybe the two things can coincide

and it's the right time and you've, you maybe you're not perfect, but you've done enough work just to be like ready for the relationship that helps you work through the rest of the stuff or meet somebody who doesn't mind if you're a continual work in progress. And we all are. There's no like the finish line is death.

That's it. You never get to a point where you're like, I'm healed now. Yeah, but death is perfect cause it's so final. Yeah. Then you're done. Yeah. Well, it's also where you were, my dad, I think it comes from some Jewish proverb, but like the real question isn't like

which rung of the ladder you're on, it's the where you were the day before. So it's not like about how high it's the direction. Yeah, that's really nice. That's good too. Thank you, Howard Ash. Shout out. All the men in your life saying really wise shit.

Every once in a while with the rest of the time, like nothing at all. Yeah. The rest of the time. We're like the star views. Could we fart in the toilet from the bathroom? Will you quit it with the echoey farge? That was one year.

I lived with you. What was the echoey farge? Children remembers. I remember them. I can't, I'm not gonna do a sound effect. I'm not gonna do it justice. You're 100% for sound effects now. You don't know if you want to drop it.

I really shouldn't, that's my business. You can pay me for that. All right, good advice. What affirmations were you using? I was, I remember talking about love being like a tree that had like deep roots and also like reached for the light and expanded. Wow.

So like trying to, I was basically trying to ground myself and give myself some kind of foundation. Which Jill has a very grounding energy. Yeah, yeah. I was trying to become a tree and I feel like Jill's helped me become a tree. I love that.

It's so poetic. Thank you. Actually, a mirror means top of tree. That's true. Wow. And he's grounding through me. And I technically am the tree of life right now. And Jillian means trunk of tree.

No. I should have said that. And Jillian means roots. Where a squirrel lives. You. I know, I'm a chipmunk. Chipmunk. Right.

Well, it's close. What does that be tall mean? A morning dew. Awesome. And what does Jillian actually mean? I don't know, like maybe baby lamb or something. Oh, it does mean baby lamb. Does it?

I think I took someone else's from Hebrew school and started using it as mine. Because I said this back to Jake recently and then I was like, is it? It was like, that's what Talia means. And I'm like, oh, I definitely just took Talia's Jewish name. Talia is dew of God. Because the Tal is in my name also.

What? This is so amusing. I'm just going to look it up. And also, it's not Jillian. It would be like my Hebrew name, no? Oh, the name lamb means lamb, actually. But what about like? 15 lovely names that he lamb.

I think it was Hannah. It was Hannah's. Because it's like that's the Jewish name. Oh, yeah, Gil means lamb. So maybe Jill. Conna then for Hannah, right? Right. Oh, yeah, Talia also is lamb.

What does Jacob mean? Oh, OK, I was wrong. This is weird. But Talia, maybe it's like. And so then a coincidence that she and I were both lambs in our Hebrew school. Yeah, because we got lambs, we got sheeps, we got ghosts. But you know, because you speak enough Hebrew

that Talia would mean dew of God. Unless it's maybe one of those were combined. The words mean something, but as one word, it's something else. This one means to follow, be behind. But it can also mean to supplant or overreach. That's what Dingo means. That's what Jacob means.

Oh, wait, because he grabbed the ankle. Oh, yes. Esau. You should say your name to Esau. Yeah, Esau is the big strong cool brother. And Jacob grabbed him by the heel and tried to get out first. To supplant him. Yeah, to supplant, that's right.

Wow. Well, you did want to be a plant. What about the name Juneau? And I wanted to reach like a tree. What about it? It's beautiful. Other things that mean lamb. You're just looking at names.

Yeah, or Carolyn or something. Last minute audible. If you want to go. Carolyn, how do you guess the baby's name? We did it. We, I mean you. Rachel also. Where did the Aborsha thing come from?

You should tell them about that. Oh, yeah. Terrible names for babies. I saw like some lists on a meme and one of them was Aborsha. Oh my God. As a bad name. As a bad name. It's so funny.

Really bad. Really bad. Aborsha. Talking about. But also kind of beautiful. Not really. No. Not the meaning.

Just the sound of it. Just the sound. I don't even know about that. It's like Portia, but prettier. Yeah, Aborsha. Portia's great. Aborsha Dorasi. Portia's great.

Yeah. All right, Jill, Avital. I'm glad we snuck it in. I'm not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye. I've listened to every single episode and I'm not ready for them to end. Well, you haven't listened to any of them yet.

I haven't listened to any of them. I've listened to a good one. Yeah, what is this podcast? What is this podcast meant to you two? You know, the big thing for me, so big congratulations to you. I don't know if I've gotten to say it to you in person, is that you had a member,

a cast member of the White Lotus on the podcast, so I did listen to that episode. Shout out to Adam DeMarco, yeah. Love the White Lotus a lot. Yeah. And you had the gall to have him on, not having finished the show. Unbelievable.

I've tried so hard. Did you? He did, he did. He downloaded all the episodes. There was a plane ride. I was like half an episode behind when we had him on. He was maybe sick the week before.

Okay, fine. I'll let it slide. And I was gonna just say for years. I'm more God than him, for sure. It's been lovely watching your friendship these last few years through the fight with you. Oh, that was good too, yeah. The White Lotus, well,

watching your friendship. Way to make me look bad. This is the big two, I think. I should say, Adam DeMarco, I just said White Lotus. But you know what I mean? Anybody from that show, I would be thrilled for you guys. And you don't care for friends or not. No.

I mean, this ends as soon as the podcast ends, right? Totally, I'll then speak to Jacob ever again. I mean, you saw what his name meant. Overreach? Overreach. He's trying to pull you by your heel. Exactly. I'm an Esau to him.

The last 10 years, it felt like at least. Exactly, it should be a seesaw instead. I was gonna say it. It's an Esau. A seesaw. You guys are more like a seesaw than an Esau. That's pretty good. He said that's pretty good, because he said it.

Yeah, it's so good, I almost said it. You did say it, yeah. Anything to promote? What about your child, your upcoming child? Hey, coming soon. Coming May 12th, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. May 12th ish. Ish.

Plus or minus, four weeks. You wanna drop the name real quick? Just the name? We can bleep it out. No. You have it already? Yep. All right.

That'll name too. What if you meet her and she obsets your expectation? Oh, that's interesting. You can't fully name a child. Your face was really good. I'm a parent, I made the decision. I don't know. Okay, great.

No, I like that. Go real quick, she's under your thumb. It is what it is. Whatever burgeoning personality she has, does not matter. I think you'd be more unfair if I waited. Do you have anything to promote, anything to reference? Check out?

No. All right. So, Abitol, you get two. Wow. I'll be at Enbro Fringe in August, 12 August, if you're in the UK, or if you're nearby, or if you're not and wanna come, yeah, please. Are you gonna go over here?

I might go at the end of it, GDD. Oh my God. I'll be at Monkey Barrel, which is a really cool venue. Well, they have all these pop-up venues, so I won't be at Monkey Barrel, but I'll be with Monkey Barrel, one of their venues. And then, depending on when it comes out, I'm gonna do my hour online, as well,

via nowhere comedy. So, that'll be in May, I'm figuring out the date, but I'll do an hour and you can watch from anywhere in the world, because it'll be over Zoom. And it's the first time I'm gonna be trying to sell tickets to something, so that's nerve-wracking. We'll be on avitalash.com. You know, it should be.

I don't know if I trust myself to update it, but I'll say yes, but maybe you'll wanna check. So, yes, now it'll hold you too. Okay, yes. Also, I'll put a link tree on my Instagram, and you can find that stuff there, at avitalash. All right, two plugs, Instagram, and then avitalash.com. And I'll also plug Natalie Porcupine,

whose upcoming birth I'm very excited for. I'm gonna be an aunt. Yeah! Finally. All right, sweet. Thanks to you guys for listening. Thanks for watching. Thanks for doing submitting theme songs, questions.

It's all at ifirishow at gmail.com. We're still making videos on our Patreon, patreon.com slash j-a. And that will continue to carry on. So if you miss us already, check us out there. Let's hear that theme song again. It was written by a robot, but it was conceived of by, did I ever say his name?

Yeah. Yeah, I did. And we said it on his website. Yeah. Jake Berg. It's Jake Berg. Yeah, on Instagram. Thank you, Jake.

Thank you, AI Chat GPT. Let's hear it one more time, and we'll be back next week for maybe the last time ever. Jake and Amir, two Jewish guys with a podcast that's known to make you smile. They answer questions from the listeners so true in a comedic style that's fresh and brand new.

If I were you, what would I do? Ask Jake and Amir. They'll give you a clue. Gold mic for Jake. Turdy for Amir. Two comedians bringing laughter. Don't you fear. Jake with his wit and Amir with his frown,

asking questions and putting them to the test. Sometimes Jake becomes the Game Boy and Amir the chipmunk that's always a mess. If I were you, what would I do? Ask Jake and Amir. They'll give you a clue. Gold mic for Jake. Turdy for Amir.

Two comedians bringing laughter. Don't you fear. So tune in every week to If I Were You, where Jake and Amir will answer your questions too. They'll bring the laughs and the giggles galore with a comedic theme that'll have you wanting more. That was a Head Gum Original.