If I Were You - 60: So Sick

Episode Date: December 23, 2024

In this episode we look back at 2024, and beyond to 2025 and all the way to the distant future: 2026.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Second! Another podcast Second! Each app different from the last It's the Swiss Army knife of choice Each of two emphatic hoes Seconds Not worth it. Absolutely not worth the bit. You got dizzy. I spun around in the chair. I'm dizzy. You're dizzy. Yeah. I'm dizzy. I'm sick.

I don't feel good at all. No, nor should you. It's clearing. I'll be fine. Actually, I don't know if you could tell, but I'm a little under the weather myself. Really. I actually can't.

Exactly. And you can't tell because mind over matter. Having a cold is basically a symptom that you are too weak to hide what is coming out of you. I can hear your nose closing up. You can breathe okay? I'm congested. Yeah, there it is. And it hurts to swallow. I'm allergic to microphones. And I don't know if I can make it. I think I'm fucking dying and I'm really fucking scared. But you won't ever notice that. You'll never see me blowing my nose off camera.

You won't see. Yeah. Yeah, maybe I should actually. Maybe you should expel some of the mucus in there. It might help you breathe. I saw a TikTok yesterday while I was sick of a mom holding a three year old boy and shoving a water syringe up one nostril and so much mucus came out.

Like they don't know how to blow their nose yet or something. So these toddlers are just like, no, no. And it's like, boom. And it's just like, a quarter and a half of boogers. Yeah, they're crying. I'm like, I wanna feel, like I should just not blow my nose for a full day, just to fucking nasal lavage later.

We did that, something like that, but not with the water. Like it was some really weird fucking tube thing that Jill had to like blow into or suck. Like that's the craziest thing. Yeah, like a turkey baster of mucus. Yeah, but Jill had to put her mouth to it. Like what? Interesting, a mouth to nose resuscitation.

Yeah, there was something to it. I was keeping, I was, you know, at an arms' length. Yeah, make everything okay over there. I was helping with the dog at that time Someone has to walk the guy. He did you express his anal? glands just well I let him into the backyard but I had to look and make sure that he peed because otherwise You don't know if he peed and then maybe he needs to walk later But yeah, so I watched him in the yard. Well, the problem is I'm too good at blowing my nose So like I'll never have that sweet, sweet lavage release.

What I'm doing is every like five minutes doing a very loud, guttural hocking of the- I wonder if that's good for you. I wonder if you're supposed to blow your nose like that. Or like you don't have to expel it, right? The babies don't. Well, this not coming out as your body's way of being like, get out of here, bad stuff.

So what I'm doing is just taking it out of my nose. Yeah, you don't wanna blow your nose too hard. I've heard that before. You don't wanna over blow. Yeah, cause then like blood vessels can pop in your eye or something. Yeah, yeah, no need. Yeah, but like at the same time.

Actually, knock on wood, I haven't been sick in like two years. Wow, well you had that stomach thing last time you came to LA. Oh, sorry. I mean a cold. Yeah. Oh God. I had the, I had the Hantavirus or whatever that was. Yeah. Norovirus.

Norovirus. So Hantavirus is the one that kills you. Yeah. I had the stomach virus for sure. Yeah. And I had COVID and I had anal COVID. I had flu and I had a sinus infection every other week for a year.

Which is different than a cold. I never used that term. I never got on, I never understood what it was. I was never part of it. I don't know if I have a sinus infection versus a cold. It's all just congestion to me. Right, well, doesn't a cold goes away on its own and a sinus infection you need drugs for?

Yeah, but what kind of drugs can you take for a sinus infection that you don't take for a cold? A Z-Pak? Oh, like an actual antibiotics? I've never taken antibiotics for a cold, I don't think. Yeah, I don't think, well, I think I did eventually, when, it was a long time ago, but we were living in LA at the time,

I think it was 2015, and I had a cold for like a month and a half. And it just never- That's why you haven't had one since. You had seven colds in a row. It feels like I should be able to breathe at this point. I think I eventually got like a Z-Pak or something and it went away instantly. Sinus infection.

I guess, I don't know. I don't remember how- Some people are quick. Some people are quick with a sinus infection declaration. Yeah. Yeah. Some people are all about medicine. There's no like tests for it.

When I get sick, I want every single, I mean, not then, but now, I want every remedy possible. I'm trying to do it all. So you'll take DayQuil. I will take DayQuil, I'll take NightQuil, I'll take the Sudafed. I am doing tea, drinking a ton of water. I feel so sorry for myself when I have a cold.

Well, some of that stuff is just natural. Like, yeah, you need water. Like, I'm okay with that, but I don't rush to take the DayQuils of the world. I'm like, I wanna feel what the problem is so I can diagnose it a little bit better. I don't wanna mask it with medicine. No, I want my sinuses clear

and I want my energy level high. Yeah, that's a tomorrow issue for me. For now, my energy is low. My podcasting voice is dampened and my spirits are rock bottom. Good. Oh, let's talk about the highs and lows of 2024. Right, your roses and your thorns as they say.

Roses, thorns and buds. Yeah, so this first segment, we should say this is the segments podcast, but this first segment is sort of a retrospect, is because we're not gonna be releasing an episode next week. It's that weird dead week between Christmas and New Year. So on the 30th, we're going dark. And this is the 23rd, still before Christmas.

So we can do our end of the year segment spectacular. Is that Hanukkah? Cause doesn't Hanukkah start on Christmas day this year? Yes, it's like, it's a perfect overlap. Hanukkah, which honestly should be always this week. Sometimes it's like randomly on November 30th. I think the sweet spot of Hanukkah is like, it starts on day one of Christmas

and then just carries on. That's ideal. Yeah. That's what's going on this year. It goes through New Year's, right? That's kind of cool. Yeah, it's like the 25th through the 1st or something like that.

Wow, that's amazing. That week. That's so cool. Okay. So we're going dark on the 30th. That has. Wow, that's amazing. That week. That's so cool. Okay. Okay. So we're going dark on the 30th. That has nothing to do with the holidays. We just, you know.

We just, I'll be even more sick next week, so it makes sense. Okay, so what were the highlights and lowlights of your 2024? You definitely reminded me of one of my lows, which was when I had the norovirus in Los Angeles. Yeah, health is wealth. When you're sick, you just feel like this sucks,

life sucks, I'm ill, I can't do anything. Yeah, I felt so completely helpless. And actually maybe the lowest point was that Micah came to visit like the day at, like we got the norovirus, it felt awful. We were sick. Then like it took 36 hours for us to feel normal. And we're like, okay, we can still enjoy this trip.

We're like, you know, one night we just like drank soup and recovered and Micah arrived for the next day. And we're like, man, we one night we just like drank soup and recovered and Mike arrived for the next day. And we're like, man, we were so sick. It was crazy. I've never been that sick before. I'm so happy you're here. Now we can like enjoy the vacation. Cause we thought it was food poisoning,

not that like it was an insanely contagious stomach bug. Yeah. Yeah. So I went to bed that next night. The next day I wake up and ready. I'm like, all right, we're going to go to Malibu. We're going to went to bed that night. The next day I wake up and read him like, all right, we're gonna go to Malibu. We're gonna go to the vintage shops.

We're gonna go check out the farmer's market. I just hear Micah puking. And I go downstairs and he's like, I'm like, oh wow, you're sick? And he goes, how long did it last for you? A year, but it honestly flies by. Once you're no longer sick, who cares? I was so sad for him that that almost was worse

than being sick. Right, because you felt guilty in addition to feeling sick. Right, and I knew how sick he was and that it was only going to get worse before it got better. Yeah, so illness, one of your thorns. Yeah, I'm sure there was some more.

I'll keep on thinking while you go. What was one of your thorns? Mine was the obvious one, which I have spoken about before, which was when Avital and I flew to England and our dog, Luke, was having seizures and potentially on death's door. We thought he may be gone for a few days.

So that was the low point. I didn't even feel that sick. So I don't even know why it's such a thorn for me. Like I felt fine. Like right now, you can ostensibly say it's worse than that because I have a scratchy voice. Right. The lesson we can both learn is that both of these things

happen far from home. You just can't travel. We really can't leave our houses. Yeah, it is hard to travel and not have anything go wrong to yourself or a loved one. Yeah, I mean, being, it's also, there's something that's like extra set, like it would have been really bad if you were home and caring for Luke and he was sick, but you've been there. There's something about about being surrounded by things that you're supposed to be enjoying and seeing and experiencing,

and just being like, I am not present here, and I'm thinking about something bad that's happening far from here. Yeah, that was us when we were talking to the vet, and she's like, well, we'll take it hour by hour, and I'll give you updates, and if I don't call, then that's good news, so just try to enjoy your time. And we went to a play, and and I'll give you updates. And if I don't call, then that's good news. So just like try to enjoy your time.

And we like went to a play and I'm like staring at my phone hoping to God it's not an 818 call from a fucking coroner. Don't remember what the play is about for sure. How about a cheeky is my dog alive? Actually the other time one of the highs was our cruise to Alaska, which was quickly turned into one of the thorns because everyone got violently sick.

So there is something to be said about the highs and the lows, the traveling highs and the lows of when you do travel, you or a loved one might get really ill. Right, and I think that was also because one of the highs for me was going to Copenhagen with Gemma and Jill, but one of the lows was getting there and the stress that it put on everybody. All right, the flight that may or may not have taken off and it was a red eye.

Yeah, basically sitting at 2 a.m. in the cabin while they're still doing meal service and Jem is just shrieking, has no idea what's happening and I'm just like, where are those people? You ordered the lasagna? It's three in the fucking morning. Turn the lights off. You know when you're on a flight

when you don't have a kid and you just hear a kid screaming, you're like, why can't anybody shut that baby up? Yeah. That was us. We were just like the people that like, yeah. Well, we can't shut her up because the lights won't turn off. Okay. That has nothing to do with her. She sleeps great at home. We don't have her white noise machine. Does anyone have a pack and play? Is there a doctor or a sleep specialist on the flight? Yeah, can we do, is there a sleep consultant here? Probably not a coincidence that the highs require the occasional low.

Otherwise they wouldn't be such a high. Otherwise people would do them all the time. That's interesting. Yeah, my other high and low did involve travel because we went on a family trip to Nat Tuckett. did involve travel because we went on a family trip to Nantucket. I did all of this prep to get everybody in the family there and I was feeling really good about everything. I was like, okay, we're all going to get to Nantucket. We're going to enjoy this vacation. It was such a huge effort to get everybody to the island. And then the last piece of the puzzle was Jill and Gemma, uh, flying,

because we had, we decided we're not going to make her drive five hours, take a two hour boat. It's like, I'll bring all of the gear, all of the car, the sit, like the siblings, you guys show up at the end of the day. It'll be perfect. I was on FaceTime with them while they're sitting in the terminal to fly to Nantucket, which is like a 35, 40 minute flight. Like I would basically, as soon as they boarded, I was gonna get ready to go get them.

The flight had been delayed and I was talking to them to distract Gemma from like being upset. And I just heard the loud speaker come on that the flight was canceled. And. What do you even do? It's such a 180 of what you think will happen. They're just not going to get to the island that day. And it's like, we have a seven day vacation.

They're not coming tomorrow, or not till tomorrow, which is now not guaranteed. It's like, oh wow, what if they can't come for two days? Then is there even a point? What if, and then like the other week it says it's gonna rain. 40% of the trip gone. And the next day was my birthday. So that was, yeah, I think we left on August 4th. Or maybe it was later that week.

Anyway, yeah, it was just a whole, that was like a low point. Like even Gemma's face when they said the flight was canceled, she looked confused. She couldn't understand it, of course. She was just one. like a low point, like even Gemma's face when they said the flight was canceled, she looked confused. She couldn't understand it, of course. She was just one. But like, her first words were maybe we should rent a car and just fucking go for it.

Isn't there a ferry from Queens? Why don't we vacation in Hyannisport instead? Everyone can just drive there. So that was a low point too. They're all related to travel and they're all related to the high point. Yeah. There we go.

Let's fucking go. Nice, Hicks spelled it. Yes. Yeah, were there any other ones for you or is it all, it's all Luke? It's all Luke related for the low points. Well, the high point is that he survived. He's doing well on the seizure medication. So the seizures that nearly killed him

are in control right now. Who's to know what tomorrow will bring? But it was so touch and go that every month that passes without another seizure feels like a huge win. That's nice. Another, oh, our shows were a highlight, seeing the fans in Philadelphia, New York, and Chicago after all these years.

All of the hands going straight fans in Philadelphia, New York, and Chicago after all these years. All of the hands going straight up in Philadelphia, when I just instantly knew that they were dialed in during the song, that was great. And we didn't even get sick on that trip. No, though we did drive back from Philadelphia to New York that night, and that was definitely a low. Yeah, the energy was gone.

And we were sort of on a New Jersey turnpike during some sort of construction zone situation, being exhausted. And there were like the standstill traffic on Allen Street when I was trying to drop you off at your hotel. Yeah, you're like, just, I gotta get through Manhattan and just that part alone took 45 minutes. Yeah, yeah, that was rough.

But it all worked out, didn't it? Yeah. Okay, I have one, I think I have one more, one, well, I'm sure I have more. All right, anyway, I have one, I have another one, okay? Okay. Does it involve leaving New York City? No, this one is all, it's also not just a single point.

It's kind of like a long, it's a narrative of my year, which I think is good. Oh, okay, okay. So at the end of last year, that was when I hurt my back, as you recall. Yes. And I think that was a low point that took me into the new year,

because it still wasn't perfect. Yeah. That was a low point that took me into the new year because it still wasn't perfect. And it's been a roller coaster of a journey trying to figure out what's going on. And I'll wake up and everything is fine for several weeks in a row and then all of a sudden I'll do something and it'll irritate it and I'll just be like basically back to where I was for a week.

Like pulling your back. Yeah, it's like pulling my, it's, but it's not, there's not, it's never like an event where I like feel it like, oh, I just pulled it. It's just like, I just wake up and I'm like, what did I do yesterday that made this get so far out of alignment? And then in the last two months,

I started doing Pilates and I've never felt better since even before when I hurt my back. So the Pilates has retroactively fixed pain that you had even before this most recent bout of pain. Yeah, even like my tight shoulders and hip flexors, just like tightness that I just lived with and felt like it wasn't pain because it was all fine. Like even that's gone.

Wow, I wonder if that'll keep up or if it's like a, when you try something new, it gives you that rush of new thing working and then wear off. The new exercise bump. Yeah, exactly. Like haven't you said that about other stuff that you tried?

I mean, acupuncture was definitely one where there was just like immediate immense relief. Same with that chiropractor that I went to. So we'll see if it creeps back up, but it's been almost two months now. And you recommended me and Avi tall try it. Cause I get sore like from playing sports and stuff. And the next day I feel so tight and back pain and like hamstring tightness.

And you said Pilates is great for that as well. Yeah. I think it's incredible. I think it's, it's a God, it's a godsend for me. I think you should try it. Yeah. Next time I come to LA, which might be in January, um, I'll go with you. Okay. There's so many Pilates studios around us. Yeah, next time I come to LA, which might be in January, I'll go with you.

Okay, there's so many Pilates studios around us because it's like a very cool East side thing to do that I never even like clocked until I searched Pilates East side. And it's just like every other block. Yeah, and they're everywhere. We've got to find one with reformer. It's all about that reformer.

That's what's so intimidating is this giant machine that I don't know how to use. Yeah, you learn pretty quick. Okay, maybe we'll talk about that in the next segment, which is our resolutions for 2025. Nice. But real quick, I have to take a bath. Yeah, just to reset everything that's going on inside me. You need a steam. I didn't realize how difficult it would be to stand and talk for 20 minutes. Right. Take a nap, take a nap. Of course, of course. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Absolutely. Jake, you know the holidays are fun, but they could be stressful. I hear that. That's right, family issues, work issues, the days are shorter, the days are colder. You might be feeling that stress or anxiety more than usual.

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of sleep for the holiday season or their birthday? The gift of sleep, exactly. What's greater than rest? Nothing. Thank you, Helix. Bye. And we're back. Hurrah, bud. Enough of this year. That's right. I'm looking forward. Actually, fuck 2025. What are your 2026 resolutions? I love that. Cause 2025 is a wash. It's already no, we're not changing. We gotta just, we gotta move on.

Do do do do do do. 2025 is all about just staying alive. 2026, that's when we step up our shit. I might have an ear infection now that I think about it. Yes. Not just the sinus. And throat infection. If only there was one doctor that did it all. Okay. Do you have ones that are not just your classic read more, exercise more,

look at your phone less, because I'm struggling to move past those. Right. Not really. Well, let's game it out. I'm struggling to move past those. Right. Well, let's game it out. I've got a couple ideas. Numero uno, I think I need to get better at setting my priorities. Ooh, I'm gonna veto that. What else do you got? Well, getting jacked, but I kind of like that.

I like that, I like that actually. Really, you think even stronger. Yeah, because priorities can be whatever, whatever, but like to be strong. Less Pilates, more deadlifting. Yeah, how about crossfit till you puke slash tear your labrum? How about veneers?

Changing gears? Changing gears, how about veneers? Changing gears? Changing gears, how about veneers? Wait, what's wrong with your priorities? Well, I think that I'm not great at figuring out how I wanna use my time. Like in any given day, I like going to the gym, going on a bike ride, doing a Pilates class, et cetera, et cetera. Like my morning is a little bit mine because LA

hasn't woken up yet. And then there's that middle chunk of the day that I that I can do work on. And then there's the end of the day where it's like, I want to be home for dinner time, bath time, bedtime for the baby. So us recording right now slash usually is that middle chunk, the overlap between LA and New York. Exactly. But I think there's like, there are things that I,

like for instance, we talk about writing our play, which actually this week we took a swing at. Yeah, the musical. And that was partially due to me prioritizing things. Like sometimes I'll just get to the office and I'll like get bogged down with, you know, those like the little low hanging fruit things that you can like just knock off your plate.

Like it feels good to respond to this email. It's off my plate, that type of thing. Yeah, small emails that you can respond to or just archive, try to get closer to inbox zero. Right, yeah, yeah. It's like, I think I've been valuing this inbox zero, basically finishing all of these little digital errands that I have.

And what goes by the wayside is like larger projects that I can't just like tackle in a day. So my new thing is that I'm just trying to like actually go after the bigger things. What if you just treat your inbox like you do your regular mail, you check it once a day at 6 p.m. Respond to everything then, and then put it away. And on Saturday and Sunday, nobody checks it at all.

That's interesting. I don't think it works that way. Okay, okay, new idea. You close your inbox entirely. You're off the grid. But we don't have to figure it out because 2025 is just starting. And I'm just saying I wanna prioritize more.

And you've like taken this leap to like, why don't you not look at your email on Saturday and Sunday? I don't feel like that is helpful to me. I wonder if there's a world where you don't even accept email. Right now you have two email addresses, do you not? Headgum in general? Excuse you, what are you talking about?

Why don't you flip a coin and get rid of one at random or even at cost? So regardless of the price. It'd be interesting to just get rid of my email. Like what if I just never ever looked at my email again? Because nothing good really comes from it. So I just never look at it. Everything-

You want to get to inbox zero, select all, delete. Yeah, I just don't have an email. What if my fucking 2025 New Year's resolution is, how do I get in touch with Jake? Oh, he doesn't have email. You have to call him. So instead of emails, you get calls in session. I guess I- Hey, how's it going? That's probably one. I could treat my email the way I treat my phone calls, you have to call him. So instead of emails, you get calls incessantly.

Hey, how's it going? Boom, I'll respond. I could treat my emails as my phone calls, which is just ignoring them. Yeah, treat them all as spam. But I guess the thing behind the thing, because like I said, the email is not the issue, right? You latched onto that for some reason.

I'm like obsessed with it now. But all I wanna know is the email. There's like smaller errands, whether they're email related or not, that I'm prioritizing. I'm curious about the emails. So even if I'm, it's not about not doing them. It's about- Wait, keep talking. I'm gonna blow my nose, but I can hear you.

For sure. It's about tackling the hardest thing. It's about- Wait, keep talking, I'm gonna blow my nose, but I can hear you. For sure. It's about tackling the hardest thing when I have the most energy, which is when I get into work. So like I get into work, no matter what, I should spend two hours writing, doing something creative. And then it's so bizarre talking because I feel like I'm getting really personal

and you're just not there. I'm getting really personal and you're just not there. I'm looking at an empty zoom frame. I honestly wonder if you can hear me because you are in another room. You're wearing Bluetooth headphones. What if they don't remain connected? And I'm just kind of pouring my heart out. But I think I need to just dedicate a chunk of time

to a high priority thing. And then everything else is like, if there's time, it will get knocked out today. And if it's not, yeah, I need to hear anything. I need to hear. No, I love that. I love that. Yeah.

What's yours? You want to dedicate time to- I want to do more present. That's pretty good. Or get more presents. If you want to dedicate your time to, I could more presence. If you wanna dedicate your time to, I could hear everything. You wanna dedicate your time to a more high priority thing,

how about you find God? Yeah, I don't feel like I need that. But I do enjoy when I know that somebody else has found God saying something godly to them. I feel like when people are religious and I tell them, God bless, it affects them deeply. You know? Because you use the G word. Yeah.

Like, God bless you. And they're like, wow, thank you. I feel seen. We're two religious people here. But I'm not, like, I don't actually even believe in him. But I'm like, you do. And I want the God that you believe in to bless you. Because it doesn't mean anything

when they say God bless you to me. There is no God to you. Yeah, right. So I've been saying God bless. I've been saying, I've been doing it a little more freely, just saying God bless, because no skin off my back. And for some people it actually means a lot. I think I sneezed earlier and you didn't say anything.

I said, gesundheit. Yeah, you yelled some German word at me that I didn't even understand. Schadenfreude. How about this one? We consider ourselves comedians and writers. We don't write that much comedy. We wrote like four Jake and Amir's last year.

Why don't we commit to writing more sketches? The audience seems to like it. The reviews are good. The comments on YouTube are nice. I'm posting them on TikTok. They're going viral. People are like, holy shit, I didn't know they're making episodes anymore.

What's the YouTube view count? It's like somewhere between 50 and 100K per episode. It's pretty solid. Yeah, that's great. People seem to like it. And we still have fun writing it and performing it. Right. And I feel like I have the most fun when I'm watching old ones on Patreon too.

Exactly. So you talk about priorities plus creativity. It might just be to, like we've sort of screwed up Patriot too. Exactly. So you talk about priorities plus creativity, it might just be to like we've sort of squeezed them in during other trips when I'm in New York, but if we made it a concerted effort to do that. Schadenfreude. Taking pleasure in other people's sneezes.

So is that yours or is that suggestion for me? Well, it could be both. Because I'm talking about priority. It takes two to tango, yeah. It could be mine and by definition yours. Yeah. It would be nice to spend more time writing. That would be good.

Writing, acting, shooting. Although we'd have to probably fund them ourselves. It doesn't really make sense for Headgum to make 20 Jake and Amir episodes next year. But maybe if we put them on Patreon for like a week before they go online or something like that, we can fund it through Patreon or something. That'd be interesting. That'd be interesting. Yeah.

So there's that. Did you say you were coming to LA in January? Yes, I'm coming to LA in January. I'd be interesting. Yeah. So there's that. Did you say you were coming to LA in January? Yes, I'm coming to LA in January. I'm not exactly sure when, but sometime around that second week in Jan. You know, my birthday's the second week of January. I'm curious if you'll make a point to stay through the 18th.

Could be fun. When is your birthday? When is my birthday? When's your birthday? You said it was in the second week of January? Check Wikipedia, bitch. Because it says January 18th, that sounds like the third week of January, isn't it?

Oh, it's close to the 14th. It's close to the 14th, but that's the full, that's after two weeks have passed. Actually, check Wikipedia, bitch, is something I've been saying to like dentists and like people who are asking for my like, oh, what's your, what's your last name? What's your birthday? I want to verify your account. I'll be like, check Wikipedia, bitch. Sorry. I said be like, check Wikipedia, bitch. Sorry.

I said January 18th, 1983. That's a great thing to put on a hat. Check Wikipedia, bitch. And then I'll wear the hat and you get somebody to leak me eating a sandwich by myself and like put it online. Ex YouTuber eating alone at Stamp with a Czech Wikipedia bitch hat.

Stamp's still around. Is Mustard Seed still around? Both of those are still around actually. Good stuff. Yeah, good stuff. Thanks. Any other resolutions for you? Maybe I'll do that Pilates thing.

I mean, I need to be more flexible for sure. I can't just go from inactivity to sprinting on a basketball court. That's a recipe for disaster. I'm gonna get- Can you touch your toes? No, I cannot touch my toes. I can't even bend my knees and touch my toes. I've never touched them.

I can't even tie my shoes. I can go into a deep squat and I still can't touch my toes. For whatever reason. But I'm sitting down. Yes, I'm sitting crisscross applesauce style and there's something sort of. Opposing magnetic forces. Yeah.

Mental barrier to fucking touching my toes. I don't know if I have a sinus infection. So you can't touch your shoulder. No, straight legged I can't. I can't go very low at all. My hamstrings are very tight. Interesting, yeah, yeah. Oh, we can work that out for sure.

Flexibility, creativity. I think I eat fine enough. Obviously I'm sick right now, so that doesn't really translate, but yeah. What else, what else? I need to- Cooking more, some kind of diet based things. Spending less money on like delivery apps.

You're going to the Whole Foods hot water kind of a lot. Yeah, yeah. You're spending way too much money. You know, you can even just pick up food yourself. Act like it's 1998. Tell you what, dude, two things on that. Two things on that front, because this week in last, I, first of all, made myself a sandwich

almost every single day. Which is easy and affordable. In the food delivery, especially in New York, it's too easy, but then I'm starting to bundle items. I'm like, oh yeah, I could add a smoothie from a different restaurant and one guy on a bike will bring it all to me. And that's just, it's just crazy.

And I, as somebody who rides bikes a lot and actually I am horrified by the amount of like e-bikes going every which way in the city. I'm like, I'm part of this problem. I'm proliferating it. You're paying people to ride bikes for you. Yeah, and then I'm out there riding a bike and I'm like, what are all these crazy guys doing

on the bridge? It's my damn fault. Well, and it's also Uber's fault or whatever, but that's fine. It's just too damn convenient to press a button. And then the other, so I've been making myself a sandwich every single day, saved a ton of money.

And the only downfall is that the sandwich is really bad. Yeah, but that's fine. At least it's cheap. I mean, I don't have a panini press or good bread. Well, I was spending a ton of money and the food was bad. So I was like, it's, it's not right to like buy a sandwich or a salad for like $22 and I hate it. Um, so at the very least, this is a cheap sandwich that I made myself. That is pretty bad. Yeah. It's bad either way. Right.

You just don't like sandwiches. But then the other thing I started doing was just behaving like a real New Yorker and now I'm just going to the deli, going to the bodegas where the sandwiches are like still pretty cheap. You can get like a bacon, egg, and cheese for five bucks or whatever. Yeah, for whatever reason, breakfast sandwiches

are inflation proof in New York City. Like everything's gone up 800% but a bacon, egg, and cheese is still between three and five dollars. Yeah, because they've had the bread this entire time. Yes, the bread predates COVID, so it's a loaf from 2018. So they can adjust the price accordingly. Yeah, okay, let's take a break.

And for our third segment, we'll do something completely different. Wow. I don't even know what it is yet. Same. Because I'm so fucking concerned about blowing my nose right now. Thank you to Rocket Money for sponsoring

this episode of our show. Damn right, dude. You know, the start of the new year is the perfect time to get your financial goals set and organized. I agree, totally. And the best way to do that is using Rocket Money to make those goals feel achievable

because it's a personal finance app that helps find and cancel unwanted subscriptions. Then it monitors your spending and helps lower your bill so you can grow your savings. Yeah, yeah, those little subscriptions, they add up. You think it's only five bucks, but it's five bucks here and there. And then it's five bucks everywhere. All of a sudden you're spending $300 a month on shit that you don't even realize that you don't need. That's right. I signed up for rocket money and then like

once a week or once a month, it sends me a notification. Like, did you know you're spending a lot of money on X, Y, or Z? And I'm like, I didn't know that. I didn't know that at all. Right. Sometimes they're even duplicate subscriptions. Like if you have a partner, you know. It's not good. Where there's two free trials become two paid subscriptions. It's bleak out there. You need something like Rocket Money to keep track of it.

That's right. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has saved them over a total of $500 million in canceled subscriptions. That's right. 28 million of that was just me. Oh my God. That's a lot of that one specific app that's charging you $2 million a month.

Mm-hmm. That's right. Raya Plus. On average, it's saving members $740 a year, which is still really good. Mm-hmm. So cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with Rocket Money. Just go to rocketmoney.com slash segments today. Segments. Exactly. That's rocketmoney.com slash segments rocketmoney.com slash segments.

That's correct. Thank you, Rocket Money. Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this podcast. Yes. Thank you, Aura Frames. Jake, you have one of these. Of course I do. I have several actually. It's a digital picture frame that you give to loved ones, like your parents, and then you can upload photos as they come in and they get to see those photos wherever they are in the world. It's simple, it's easy, and it brings joy. What's better?

Nothing better than joy this holiday season. It's easy to set up and it's the perfect gift for any occasion. And you can get free unlimited storage and the photos look like real prints. Yeah, it's fun. It's interactive and there's nothing family likes more than new pictures of new family members. It's true.

Sometimes my mom will text me and be like, we need more photos now. So right now, Aura has a great deal and you can go to auraframes.com to get $30 off plus free shipping of their best selling frame if you use code HEADGUM. Headgum. That's aura, A-U-R-A, frames.com. Use code HEADGUM at checkout to save. Headgum.

That's right, terms and conditions apply. Of course. Thank you, Aura Frames. ["Handsome"] That's right, terms and conditions apply. Of course. Thank you, Aura Frames. Okay, here's a final unrelated segment wherein I'm gonna just name a Jake and Amir video and you will tell me if you remember what it's about. Or you know what, you'll just try to guess what it's about, okay?

Okay, you see. Well, the title itself is half the battle. Usually. But I can't remember this one, so we'll find out. Jake and Amir favor. Ooh, yeah, that's pretty vague. And I will say I don't remember what it's about. Okay, I'll start reading the script

and you'll stop me when you do finally remember. Okay. Okay. I said I wanted to jog more this year, but I didn't mean jog my memory. Nice. Uh, Amir is holding two plastic dinosaurs, making them kiss. Yeah. Um, and I say, Hey, I got to run to a meeting.

Saw that. Then you say, no. Oh, I think we watched this one recently, actually. And then I say, yes. And then I asked you, will you pick my lunch up downstairs for me, I'll owe you one. And then you respond. Is this the one where I smash the food on the glass? I think it is. You respond, you'll owe me a big one.

And then I say, I'll owe you a big one. And then you say, and not just a favor either. Yeah. And then you say, yes, just a favor either. Yeah, and then you say, yes, just a favor. Then I interrupt the meeting by smashing the food you asked me to get into the glass. That was a good one. Yeah, you say, you'll,

you said you're gonna do me a favor every day for a year, missionary style. Yeah, good one, but I did not remember that at all, yeah. Yeah, okay. So that's favorite, which is really great because it ends with you smashing my pad tie against the glass conference room, which is really, really great.

Okay, Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir, Jake and Amir break. I don't remember any of these. Break, B-R-E-A-K? That's right. I don't even know where to start. It's either a break that we took or me breaking my leg or something like that.

Could be. I have no idea. Oh, I say we should go on, we should be on a break or something like I'm trying to break up with you. That's what I was thinking it was. Let's find out. Find out.

It starts, it looks like, oh wow, it was right around this time in 2012, January 1st. So it was about winter break. Holy shit. Tell me when you remember this. Okay. How was, it starts time in 2012, January 1st. So it was about winter break. Holy shit. Tell me when you remember this. Okay. How was, it starts with you saying, how was your break? And I say, it was really nice actually.

Wow, that's also how the most recent Jake and Amir that we did started, right? You say, how was your weekend? I say, it was really nice actually. I'm always about to be positive and open with you. And I turn it around and take advantage of the hospitality. I say, it was really nice actually. Then you interrupt me and say, yeah,

you're just saying that to make me jealous because it's working. I'm just, and then I say, I'm saying it was nice to see my family. It was fun to hang out with my friends from high school. And then you say, yeah, I wasn't home but for two minutes before the old man offered, he offers me a grilled gin sandwich.

Yeah, I didn't realize that this was this one. Yeah, this one's about my winter break and the story about my dad throwing a cast iron skillet to the back of my face. Right, where you're, I think it ends with like, you're about to, you're gonna back the car out of the driveway, your mom leaves her head under the tire, your dad does,

begging you to throw it in reverse. Yeah. God that was awesome. I say, so by the way, what girl? And you say, oh, that's another thing. I brought home a Thai whore just to show my dad that I have a mate in life. And I say, why do you want his affection? It sounds like he's a terrible person. And you respond, he means well. Does he? Or did he throw a fucking cast iron skillet at your head? Yeah.

All right, let's try, let's try one more. I'll try to make it easy. Yeah, favor and break. These are too vague. Okay. Well, this one's too easy. Fur. You remember fur.

Yeah, fur is I one's too easy. Fur, you remember fur. Yeah, fur is I have a fur jacket, a fur hat, and my bare feet are like inside of two doves. Two rats and two doves. Yeah, and you throw. Oh no, my wallet is a rat and my feet are two birds. Right, right.

And you throw blood on me or red paint or something and you say first murder because I'm wearing a cashmere or a wool sweater or something. Okay, airline scam. Oh, this one is kind of based on like something you would do, which is like say something didn't work on a flight and like message customer support

to try to get money back or something. And so this version is like me. Yeah, like if anything ever goes wrong on a flight, you complain and we'll give you some miles. Yeah. I think I told you that. I think it's like a life hack. Yeah.

Right, I told you that I did that. And then you were like, we should make my character do that because it's kind of like a petty mean thing. You're just taking advantage of this lack system that they have, which is like, yeah, somebody's a really jerk to our customer service. We just throw $50, $100 vouchers at them. That's right.

And I think I, for some reason, I get so high and mighty about it that I say I'm gonna fight you because you took a pilot's right. And I think I, for some reason, I get so high and mighty about it that I say I'm gonna fight you because you took a pilot's wings. How? Oh, like I got someone fired before the 10,000th flight. Here's a good line from it. You say, we're nine months deep

and I do not have the capital to sustain this freaking law and order SV, fuck you. I've been grilled by several expert witnesses and a lot of professional cross examiners and I'm just sitting under oath, lying through my teeth at this point laughing. I actually broke twice. Yeah, I couldn't even keep a straight face.

My own lawyer left the courtroom mid testimony. Whenever we can have me in court or rehash a really large scheme that went wrong, that's the sweet spot. That's the sweet spot. That's the good stuff. It really is. So, you know, this is actually good fodder for your resolution, which is to write more.

Right, we're inspired, we're having fun, we're laughing. This is like what life is all about ultimately. Shouldn't we be doing more of this in 2026? We should be joy. Yeah, we should have joy. Absolutely. All right, I should have joy. Absolutely. All right, I'm gonna go faint now. As you should.

As you should. But I'm glad I made it to the finish line. Thanks for carrying me across. The one set of footsteps is what you were carrying us. And thanks to you guys for listening all year. We'll be back, not on the 30th, but the following week with another brand spanking new episode of segments. And if you want more of us, we're still on our Patreon, patreon.com slash J.A. I think we're watching the girlfriend series right now, which is a real throwback.

Yeah. And it's actually better than we thought. And we're going to try to get Ty on for the last two episodes. Oh yeah, did you reach out? I thought you were going to. Oh, Jesus Christ, we have to talk about this now. We'll have to figure it out. We have to prioritize something. It's actually, yeah, my priorities are not that. You're busy doing other stuff.

You have to spend the day being a little more creative than just DMing old friends. Pretty production is on you. Yes. Of course. And we'll see you next year. Bye everybody. Bye. That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, hey, I'm Lamorne Morris.

And I'm Kyle Shevrin. And we're here interrupting your workout to tell you about the La Morning After podcast, now on HeadGum. That's right. Every Wednesday a new episode drops and we... Wait, Lamorne, what are you doing over there? It's nothing. Just polishing my Emmy.

Why? Because we're now the only official HeadGum podcast hosted by an Emmy winner. Is that true? Probably not. But Jake Johnson's on HeadGumum podcast hosted by an Emmy winner. Is that true? Probably not. But Jake Johnson's on Headgum. Does he have an Emmy? No, but he has been a guest on the La Morning After. Which might be an even bigger honor.

I mean, and we have other amazing guests like Glenn Powell, Raven Simone, the cast of New Girl and many, many more. Plus we play games, we tell stories, we poll the fans. For questions. We poll them for questions, nasty. Just polling them constantly. us.