If I Were You - 67: RANCOR

Episode Date: February 24, 2025

In this episode we play a few games, remember a few movies, and share some embarrassing moments.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a Hedgum Original. Get the Angel Reese special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. I participate in restaurants for a limited time. participating restaurants for a limited time. I'd stop their career from going to shit. Seconds. Another podcast.

Seconds. Each app different from the last. Seconds. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows. Now let's meet your two pathetic hosts. Seconds. Woohoo! Let's show right in.

This is an audio only version of our podcast. We're only recording video if and when. If and when we are together. We're together in the same room. That being said, I do record the Zoom video as a backup. Oh, and during that theme song, Jake was rubbing his nipples. Jake was pantomiming oral sex.

Jake was literally choreographing anal. This is, and you're liable to be sued by my team. I have it all on video. You do not have it all on video. I have it all on video. You do not have it all on video. And you will be getting a cease and desist from my lawyer. I was billed without my knowledge or consent. I was requested access to the video.

You granted that access. And you will be sued in kind. You actually did lick your middle finger and rub your areolas in a counterclockwise fashion. I don't think it was my middle finger. You have your lies backwards now. It was your index that you were rubbing your nipples. Can't keep your story straight, can you?

Yeah. You are in a conference room. I wasn't doing it, is what I was trying to say. Yeah. All right, well this is segments, a podcast with segments. We each brought a game to play and we don't know what the other one is doing. Mm-hmm, do you wanna go first?

Oh, we can do a game for who goes first. Okay. Like a rock, paper, scissors or an odds and evens or a. Why don't we do, remember when we did the, like the three, two, one and then we set a number thing? Oh yeah, was there a win? Well, we're sort of on the three, two, one, and then we set a number thing. Oh yeah. Was there a, well, we're sort of on the same, that's like any number one through 100. Was that the game?

Yeah. It was like, I'm trying to remember. It was like three, two, one, or one, two, three. And then we would say a number. And then, yeah, we would each say a number was one through a hundred. We were trying to get at the same time. We're trying to get the same number.

Exactly. We ended up doing it in three last week, which was a record we probably won't break, but I mean, we might as well attempt. We might as well attempt two. Because then if we get it in two, we've broken three. And if we don't. But then we don't need to keep going.

Then we don't have to keep going. Yeah, because we're only going up to our record. One, two, three, 55. 17. Okay. Yep. One, two, three, 55. 17. Okay. Yep. Three, two, one. 74.

All right. That's it. That's all we are gonna do. It's like a throwaway now. We could tie our record. Yeah, that's true. We could tie our record. Yeah, okay, let's go for the tie.

One, two, three, 43. All right. Okay. Didn't beat it, didn't tie it. It's not shameful if we got it in four, but let's not even do it. Okay, let's do, well, to determine the game, whether we'll be playing your game or mine,

let's do this game again, the 3, 2, 1, 100. And then if the difference between our two numbers is odd, I'll go, because my game is kind of odd. And if it's even, then you'll go, because even if it's odd, you should end up doing your game too. Okay, great. One, two, three, 19.

71. Okay, so it's even. It is. It's even, yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna do, I'll do my game. Okay, so it's even. It is. It's even. Yeah. Okay, so I'm gonna do, I'll do my game. Yeah, go your game first. Okay, so this is-

Although my game is pretty good. I wonder, like the better one should start. I, well, I think my game is fun. I think it's fun. Fun or funny? I don't think it's funny. I feel like your game, if it's funny, should close the show.

My game should be, okay. My game is pretty funny. Really? Okay. It's it's funny. I feel like your game, if it's funny, should close the show. My game should be, okay. My game is pretty funny. Really? Okay. It's actually really funny. There's actually nothing funny about my game. I'm, and I hope you take it pretty seriously because we are playing for your cash.

That's right. I had Avital Venmo me from your shared bank account and you're going to be able to win back some of your money. I'm holding on to $5,000 right now. How do I win it back? Good question. The first question worth $100 of your own cash is this.

The movie that won the 1990 Academy Award for best film is, drum roll please, Dances with Wolves. Yes, you know that, I know that. There were four Oscar losers that year. And I need you to guess one of them. There's no way. The second through fifth best movie of 1990. That's right.

For a hundred of your own dollars. Unforgiven. Incorrect. I would have accepted. Awakenings. You know that one? No. Ghost.

You know that one? Yeah. Yeah. That one's famous. The Godfather, part three, I think you know that one. Interesting, that was nominated for best picture. As was Goodfellas, it was very Italian based Oscars. All right, give me another year. I'm not gonna get any of this stuff, you're just gonna have, we're guessing 50 movies in the year. No, this next one is for $500. I'm not gonna get any of this stuff, you're just gonna have, we're guessing 50 movies

in the year. No, this next one is for $500. I'm not gonna get any of this stuff, you're just gonna have, we're guessing 50 movies in the year. All right, give me another year. I'm not gonna get any of this stuff, you're just gonna have, we're guessing 50 movies in the year. No, this next one is for $500.

I'm not gonna get any of this stuff, you're just gonna have, we're guessing 50 movies in the year. All right, give me another year. I'm not gonna get any of this stuff, you're just gonna have, we're guessing 50 movies in the year. No, this next one is for $500. I'm not gonna get any of this stuff. You're just going to have, we're guessing 50 movies and the year. No, this next one is for $500 of your own cash. Okay, 2024.

That's no, it's gotta, it has to be. Why? I'm playing your game. You said name of year. Fine, fine, 2024. It has not happened yet. 2023. The winner was,

Oppenheimer. Can you name one of the other nine Oscar losers from 2023? Barbie. Barbie is correct. Yes. You're up to 400. All right, now I get to do a year

because if you're just gonna game the system. 500 you said. The year is 2012. The winner. I thought you said 500 for that one. Huh? That was 500, so you're up to 400 because you were negative 100.

You owed me another, you owed me $100. I owed you, you already took $5,000 and now I owe you in addition to that, $100. Well I have to fund the game. So I can lose even more money. I'm paying myself for my time. Don't you think? No.

I had to come up with the game itself. The winner. Also the game is just a one type of question with different years. 2012. We could do actors if you want. But for now we're gonna do only titles. Switch it up a little bit. Okay.

The title of the winning film of 2020-12 is Argo. Mr. Ben Affleck. 2020-12? Sorry, excuse me, 2012. 2020-12. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha took home the gold. Who lost? The our gold. Exactly. What other movies came out in 2012? Good ones. This is a really tough game for me.

If you want to, I'll give you a hint on a producer. Okay, give me a hint on a producer. Margaret Menegas. That's useless. Absolutely useless. A movie that came out in 2012 that was nominated for best picture, but didn't win.

Yeah, and was produced by Margaret Menegas. I'll give you another producer. Different film. Okay. Pilar Savone. Yeah, again, these are really obscure names that I think even film enthusiasts wouldn't actually remember.

I'll give you a producer well known for an Oscar loser of 2012. 2020, 2012, 2012. Holy shit, you said it twice. Steven fucking Spielberg. Oh, Munich? Wrong, Lincoln, the losers that year. Margaret Medigas, the producer for Amor.

Do you remember that one? No. Nor do I. Beast of the Southern Wild. Pilar Savone, one of the producers of, da, da, da. Django Unchained. Oh, I like that one.

Of course you have Life of Pi, Lincoln, Steven Spielberg, Les Miserables, Silver Linings Playbook, and- I like that one too. Zero Dark 30. Okay, now you can pick a year. I don't know any of these fucking years or things.

1997. Ooh, 1997 is fascinating. I like that for you. The winner was... Titanic. That's right. And there are four losers. I should have done a more recent year

because there's more losers. Yeah, it seems like starting in... When did they start doing 10? it only started kind of recently Oh 2010 they started nominating a lot more talented mr. Ripley No Do you want me to find out when Ripley came out? Sounds like you're doing actually it looks like it was not very even nominated

the year before, actually, you know what? We might wanna, I might, oh wow, Fargo was nominated in 1996 also. Oh, Fargo, not Argo. Jesus Christ, you know even less than me. Yeah, well, I'm not playing the game. You thought Fargo was Argo. Fargo, fuck yourself.

Do you want me to give you some producers? No, the producers don't help. I need actors. Lawrence Bender. I need writers. Lawrence Bender. I need directors. Okay, fine. Matrix. Give me a...

The Matrix. The Matrix? No. Yeah. Incorrect. One from 1997 could have been, you know what, I'll give you another hint. Starring Jack Nicholson.

Oh, I know this one. As good as it gets. That is correct. Also, I would have accepted the full Monty, Good Will Hunting, or LA Confidential. Good Will Hunting. Yeah. One of my favorites. Okay, let's go ahead and do, hmm.

This is pretty- 1997 was the last year where I agreed with the actual Academy. You think so? Where like, yeah, Titanic was the best movie I had seen that year. And in the last 30 years since, I didn't agree with the Academy.

Once. I know you really loved Green Book, didn't agree with the Academy. Once. I know you really loved Green Book, didn't you? Yeah, I think I did. You loved Green Book. Yeah. You were kind of really, really into Green Book, didn't you? Really into Green Book. I don't think so.

You said it was like, holy shit, by far your favorite film that year. I don't think so. When did Green Book come out? That was like 2018, 19 or something, but you were like obsessed with Green Book. Oh yeah, one in 2018. Yeah, you were fucking all in. Yeah, but you love Green Book.

Let's go 2017, the 90th Academy Awards. Can you name the winner? No, you can't because it was The Shape of Water. That's right. Okay, I saw that movie. Yeah. Did you? Yeah, so did I.

The lady like eats a hard boiled egg and fucks a fish. They really don't make those films like they used to anymore. Now, you into the last six years, a movie hasn't come out with a woman fucking that film or man. That film, as far as I'm concerned, upset a bunch of other really great, great works of art.

Can you name any of them? In 20? And let me know if you want a producer. 27, yeah, I'll take a producer. Okay. Evelyn O'Neill. Okay, that sounds vaguely British. Douglas Urbanski.

Yeah. Okay, I'll give you one other one. Steven Spielberg. Wow. Spielberg produced, oh, the Fablemans. No, Blumenfeld. I think the Fablemans came out in like 2022. And yes, indeed it did. Indeed it did. Spielberg actually produces quite a few films.

Let's take that one off the table. It was The Post, and you were never gonna get it. You were never gonna get it. No, don't know what that is. Yeah, a really forgettable title. How about this one? Okay. It is produced, this is also a 2017 upset.

Produced by one Christopher Nolan. Oh, oh, oh yeah. I mean, obviously, like this is classic. Like a Christopher Nolan movie that came out. Yeah, in 2017. Can you name a couple of them? Either Inception or Tenet? No.

Okay. It's one of his other movies. Not Inception, not Tenet. A third movie like that, that was like, holy shit, a Chris Nolan movie's coming out. I'll give you one of the stars. Yeah. Harry Styles. Oh, 1917 or Dunkirk?

You were correct when you said Dunkirk, but incorrect when you said what your first answer was, which does mean you are eliminated, which does mean you owe me another $500. It really seems like you're making up the rules on the spot. There's no way you had this thought out beyond just the Oscars. This one's really easy.

2016, the winner, Moonlight. You know you can name the loser that year. Oh yeah, because they said it was the winner. That's right. This is what I should have said when you said give me a year, although I did get Barbie the winner. That's right. This is what I should have said when you said, give me a year. Although I did get Barbie during the Oppenheimer year.

Right, Barbenheimer. Right. Who was it? It was like, actually the winner was Moonlight. I'm serious. He said the wrong one and they gave it to this movie. This is a really good Oscar trivia that I sort of should know.

Yeah. It was, I don't know. It was. What a crazy thing to happen, right? They said the wrong movie. Yeah, they said the wrong movie. Everybody that worked on this film cheered and celebrated and then walked up and he gave half of his speech and then was like, it's.

Yeah, knowing. Yeah. He knew, I think that it was the wrong thing. Oh, it was La La Land. That's correct, La La Land. Yes, because I think the reason why they gave them the Emma Stone envelope for La La Land, and he was like Clint Eastwood or someone,

and he read it. Yeah, or Michael Douglas. No, not Michael Douglas. It was the guy that was in... Bultworth. What's the actor from Bultworth? Oh, Warren Beatty. Warren Beatty.

I think it was Warren Beatty. Yeah. Um, and he read, he was like, Emma Stone, La La Land. I guess I'll say La La Land. You know, Bulworth is a movie that I never saw, but just know because it had such a, it had such an iconic, uh, poster to me. Interesting.

Do you remember the Bulworth poster? Yeah, the giant mouth. Yeah. It's like Warren Beatty, like crawling out of his own mouth, isn't it? Yeah, and remember Ghetto Superstar, the famous song from Bulworth? Was that, oh, was that what it was? What? Yeah. Ghetto Superstar. That movie's probably aged well because it's about like a politician

who doesn't give a shit and accidentally wins an election. Huh. Warren Beatty and Halle Berry. I, maybe I should see this movie. The still from it looks absolutely insane. We can watch Bulworth and do a movie review. People really like it when we discuss films because we have sort of a unique outsider perspective towards the media in general.

Yeah. And yeah, so like movie snobs really like hearing what we have to say and then the casuals among us are also kind of intrigued. Well, we're kind of experts. Did you see how well this game went for us? Yes, and I was able to spike La La Land. I got Barbie.

I think I got the post at one point. The post, that's right. How about 1999? We'll's right. How about 1999? We'll close it. How about you suck my dick, Shakespeare in Love. That was 1998. Fuck. I would have blown you if you did that.

That would have been really awesome. American Beauty. Actually, you know what? Let's go 98 or 99. The two winners, Shakespeare in Love and American Beauty. And if you can name an Oscar loser from 98 or 99, I will give you all your money back and suck you off. And I will give you a producer if you want that.

I will give you a per diem. Okay. Yeah, I'll take the hint just in case. Eric Felner. Useless. Absolutely useless. What movie came out when I was in high school around Shakespeare and love, around American beauty?

I'll give you one more. I'll give you one other producer. Steven fucking Spielberg. Wow. Okay. Uh, a Spielberg movie from the late nineties. Schindler's list was like 95, 96. So it's not that. Oh, I feel like I have this.

I'm rummaging through my brain's Rolodex of movies that I didn't like because I was too young to enjoy them when I was 15. See if you can recall in the credits when the producer flashed and it said, Jean-Louis G. Braschi. Oh, I'm just trying to think of like movie stars from back then. Like Leonardo DiCaprio was in Catch Me If You Can. It's possible that was nominated and lost. Tom Cruise was I think in the first Mission Impossible, but I don't know if that was an Oscar award winning movie or award losing I should say. Right.

And then there's like all these fucking boring actors like Meryl Streep. I don't know when like the Julia Child's movie came out and who was in it and like Mel Gibson and... Yeah, these are... Is Jack Nicholson in one of the movies? I don't think so. I don't think so.

But that's a nice little... I was gonna guess. Yeah, I'll. I was gonna guess. Yeah, give me another actor. Leonardo DiCaprio? I don't think so. Anthony Hopkins.

I'm not sure. I'll give you one. Dustin Hoffman. Tom fucking Hanks. 1998 or 1999. It was actually an Oscar losing movies in both years. Okay. I think Philadelphia came out earlier than that. That thing you do was around that time

was that thing you do nominated for best picture. There's no way and yet Hanks was in it. Okay, I got an answer. Okay. The Road to Perdition. The Road to Perdition. Oh, when did that come out? I saw that in theaters.

The Road to Perdition. That one, it looks like it came out in 2002. No yeah. Was it that thing you do? It was not that thing you do. Jesus. I would have accepted Saving Private Ryan. Oh I thought that was 97 okay. And the Green Mile. Mmm yes yes indeed. Yes indeed yes exactly. All right. So you miss out on that blow job that you had been so hopeful for receiving from me. Not really. I think you did say it, but yeah, like suck my dick.

I did when I said Shakespeare in love. Yeah. That was like, that was my way of rubbing it in. Not like a thing that I wanted to have happen. That thing I do. Nice doing that thing you do. Let's take a break. And when we come back, we're going to play a game so much better than that.

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All right. This game is called. Ranker. Nice. I'm going to give you 14 embarrassing things and you're going to rank them in terms of most actually least to most embarrassing, but there's a wrinkle. Yeah. The wrinkle is I'm only reading them once. So you either got to remember what they are or write down,

like take notes during it. Okay. Because if you miss even one, you lose the game and you're considered rank. All right, I guess I'll just write them down. Really? The game is that I have to remember them, but I can write them down? Yeah, you could take notes. I'm just, I'm only going to read them once.

Okay. So like, all right. Yeah. And it is 14. So it's like kind of a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Ready? Yeah. So Jay Kerwitz, welcome to Ranker.

Ranker. You're taking a dump and a coworker walks in. Okay. You're getting out of a car and your shorts are stuck to the door and they tear off. Okay. You're pumping ketchup at an In-N-Out and the ketchup flies towards your face, neck and chest.

Okay. That's funny to you? That's kind of. You're in a quiet workout class and you fart. Ooh, yeah that's bad. Your couples therapist calls you ugly by accident. That's funny to you? Yes.

Yes. You get the giggles at a Holocaust memorial. Memorial, an email with you calling somebody the F slur in high school comes out on social media. Yeah, that's bad. You break a toe during a one night stand. That's kind of cool. That's funny to you? Yes.

Instead of Etsy, you call it Estee during a work Zoom presentation. Okay. That's funny to you? They're all funny to me. It's a real peek into your psyche. You run into an ex at a party with your wife. You don't know if you should go in for a hug. So your voice cracks when you say hi.

Okay. You're going for a hug so your voice cracks when you say hi. Okay. You have a little bit of pee pee on your khakis when you stop to use a urinal on a company retreat. Okay. You need to go to the ER for trapped gas during a bachelor party. That's rough.

You move into a house on 69 Plug, not Boulevard or Street. The full address is 69 plug Yeah You asked for soy ve teriyaki sauce at a Whole Foods, but that's a Trader Joe's brand That's funny to you yes and Lastly you elbowed your partner in the nose by accident and they have a black eye During a wedding on their side of the family. Oh wow.

Okay. I hope you were taking notes. Yeah, I took notes. Because I'm not really. Yeah. But like fast enough that you remember what all of them mean or. I already, I just looked at the top of the notes

and I wrote dump walk-in, car door shorts. So I had already forgotten what dump walk-in was, but now I remember that it's dumping, taking a dump and having a coworker walk in. Yeah. I think some of these are, so I'm ranking them in order from least embarrassing to most. Least all the way up to the most embarrassing.

And if you should forget one, your rank. I think I got them all. Okay. Soy ve teriyaki, asking for somebody for something at the wrong store is totally fine. It's an honest mistake. Yeah, and it might not even register to them that it's a Trader Joe thing. Like it wouldn't be like insulting.

It would just be like, I don't know what that is. We don't have that. And I would be like. So you remember that I said that? What? Even though I only said it once. Yeah, I took a note. You And I would maybe like. So you remembered that I said that? What? Even though I only said it once. Yeah, I took a note. You said I'm really slow.

I was able to, I could have taken better notes, honestly. Yeah. All right, so we're putting soy ve teriyaki sauce at the bottom of the list. Yeah, I think that's the most nothing. Then maybe saying Estee on a work Zoom, because I can just quickly say, excuse me, Etsy and nobody. But then everyone will just sort of remember it and laugh. You call it it was in front of everyone. It was a casual misspeak. Yes, we just order that on SD, Etsy rather. Yeah. Easy, easy. Yeah, nothing. Yeah.

I guess then ketchup getting on me on my neck because ketchup going on me at a... It's like jammed in a way where you like pump it down when it shoots out. Yeah, I think that's like more inconvenient than it is embarrassing. I think that would be fine for me. You get back to the table and you have ketchup all over your shirt, that's like more inconvenient than it is embarrassing. I think that would be fine for me. You get back to the table and you have ketchup all over your shirt.

That's okay. Yeah. Cause I mean, that's you said it was going towards my face and neck and my shirt is getting on my shirt a lot. I said chest. Yeah. But again, I really cannot repeat this. That's the sort of the point.

I don't know if it is the point, but I think I'm not that embarrassed by it. So I think that's fine. And I'm good with that one kind of being the third. I'll write this down. Now, I guess after that, it might be running into an ex with my wife and my voice cracks, just because I think that's happened to me and I've definitely moved past it.

You know, not ideal. That one would kill me. Yeah, but it's not really, like you, how much is the voice cracking? Hi, hey. Like that. Hey. Oh, hey. Oh, like that. Hey, oh, hey. Hey, hey.

Yeah, I think it'd be fine. I think it'd be weirder to like my voice cracks and then I decide to go in for a hug and she doesn't hug me back. And it works really. Would you go for a hug? It's weird, because you were in a relationship with this person, but like,

what are you gonna shake their hand or do nothing? Bow, high five, like what's the way to play that? I guess at this stage in my life, like exes used to mean more when you were running into them, I think when you were dating. I've been married for like almost seven years now or six years. I think, wait, I think I'm coming up on seven.

And I have a child, so I don't feel like running into an ex doesn't seem like- Even a girlfriend that you've been with for years, you can hug or you wouldn't. Would you hug? Yeah, yeah. I think it would be fine to see an ex

and I wouldn't really feel anything. Okay. Except for gratitude for the path that we shared that led me to my happy life now. After that, pee pee on the khakis retreat, because again, I do think I have done that, but pee pee on the khakis could just as easily be water from the sink on the khakis. Yep. Like you can also mask that. You can have a little bit of pee pee and then you splash more. Yep. You can also mask that.

You can have a little bit of pee pee and then you splash more. You're like, whoa, that sink was nuts. Exactly. And then the water dries and the pee pee remains because of the ureic acid really stains the fabric. It's an interesting. More so than a wet.

Are they like khakis? I think that would be more embarrassing if they were like white. But it's kind of an interesting psychological experiment. Like if I was washing my hands and some sink water splashed up and it went in the area where it would look like pee, but I knew it was water, I would be like, whatever.

That doesn't even register as embarrassment. But if I knew that it was pee, I would be like, I hope nobody sees this and thinks that it's pee because it is. So. Especially if the pee is really close to the top of the band, I'll be like, I hope nobody sees this and thinks that it's pee because it is. Especially if the pee is really close to the top of the band, because that sort of connotes

that you have a small little wiener. The fact that it's still drizzling just an inch below that button. Do you undo the button when you pee out a urinal, or do you do zip, take out, rezip, and then the top button stays closed? I zip, whip, and put it back in. I don't, I don't.

Top button stays clasped? Yeah, yeah. Cause I wear a belt, so I'm not gonna undo the whole entire thing, you know? That's just the zip in, zip out situation. Yeah. I hope you don't forget any of these. Not, really not.

I think after that, hmm. You're sort of at the medium. This is the halfway point. You're at six and seven here. So some of these are rough because like, I think I wouldn't want, I don't know, they have, oh, maybe after that car pulling off my shorts.

That one was pretty bad to me. Because in theory, it's happening in public where I would be surrounded by people that I don't know. And I'm like, that's embarrassing, but. So you could just go back into the car. But who am I embarrassed in front of, you know? Yeah, strangers. Yeah, that's totally fine.

After that, couples therapist calling me ugly, because I think I could probably. You remembered me saying that? Yeah, I was able to write. I wouldn't have remembered. It's an interesting game, because I wouldn't have remembered if you didn't allow me to take notes,

but since you did, it's not really about remembering. It's just about reading my notes. So the couples therapist calling me ugly would kind of be like, you know, it's in the state of mind of a confident person, I might be able to be like, oh, she just misspoke. She was thinking about somebody else. She didn't write that I was ugly.

She just- Well, it would be like, well, a lot of relationships where one person is much less attractive than the other, like these types of feelings come up. Yeah. I mean, you know what I mean. Right, but then maybe she qualifies it,

but I'd be like, not that you guys are less attractive, I'm just saying this is one of the issues I see with couples that have that disparity. But I think I would just be like, yeah, yeah, sure. Well, she is more attractive to me, I get it. It wouldn't bother me though, because I'm paying that person. So I'm kind of in the driver's seat of that relationship.

And I could just take my business problems away. After that, I think it would be. Now we're getting into the top half. Toe break during a one night stand, because that would be painful and inconvenient, but not necessarily that embarrassing, especially if I broke it in a very cool sex move, or at the very least I could hide the fact

that it was broken and. If it hurts a lot though, you can't really hide it. Like you can't even sleep because it's throbbing. Right. Is it like I was having a one night stand and in the dark I went to the bathroom and stubbed my toe really bad. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I think that would be, that would definitely be embarrassing. And I wouldn't want the lingering pain, but I think the pain would heal and then I wouldn't feel the embarrassment, if that makes sense. Yeah, more painful than shameful.

Yeah. I guess after that, maybe farting in an exercise class because- Have you ever done that? No, I don't. I mean, I'm sure in my lifetime it's happened, but I specifically tried not to fart during exercise classes because it already can I try not to even like, you know, have that form or take a rest because I'm like trying to look like you want to be the star pupil. Yeah. Yeah. So if I like, if I was in Pilates doing the

reformer, and I like, did a leg circle, and I just went, I think I would feel really embarrassed, and I'd probably not go back to to that Pilates studio. So ruin that for me, which I wouldn't want. After that, maybe- Now we're getting into some really scary shit. Yeah, probably the dump walk. Especially if you don't remember.

The dump walk in. Oh, you remember that I said that? You remember that? Cause that is definitely embarrassing and you have to see that coworker over and over again. I think the only way to remedy it. It's an honest mistake, but it all, it puts them in a weird situation too.

It's like they didn't do anything wrong. You have to even the playing field. And they didn't necessarily see your dick. I have to start trying to go into the bathroom all the time. They saw you squatting, yeah. Right, I might've just been on my phone. We don't know what, and that's kind of fine. But yeah, it does create an imbalance

that's unpleasant to have. Yeah. But I do think I could move past it, maybe more so than the next one on my list, which is going to be giggles at the Edda Memorial, just because that is, I think I'm more, I wouldn't want to do that just because of how insensitive it is.

Yeah, you feel bad and then like that makes you try to stifle more laughter and then you're just stuck in this negative feedback loop. That's right. After that ER for trapped gas, because I think my friends would kind of have that over me forever. Yeah, that's a bachelor party thing.

So like all of your friends are there and they have to take you to a hospital. And they're like, ultimately you just need to fart or something like that. Yeah, and I wouldn't want, because that would be a story that many other people would learn. My friends would tell other friends,

and soon I would be that guy. You went to the hospital because you couldn't fart or something like that. And then after that, house on 69 plug. That one went really high. I thought you would put that at the bottom. No, because I actually really, I find addresses to houses to be very important.

Like people will send me, who are like house shopping, will like send me Zillow links, like I'll send them to somebody and I'd be like, this place is awesome, but it's on Skunk's Misery Road. It's on Cat Hole Boulevard. It's like, yeah. You want... It's not pleasant to say to people.

Yeah. 69 Plug. It's honestly not the worst. I think there was a house that I saw on Zillow one time that was like, I think it was like Hog Creek. And I was like, Hog Creek is like so ugly that it's like kind of cool. It's like Hog Creek. It's like that's that could be the name of a brewing company or something. It's like a little bit badass. It's so ugly that

it's rugged. But 69 plug is not great. But maybe I'd be a homeowner that one up maybe it should be a little lower. Then we'll round it out with the elbowing Jill and giving her a black eye. Obviously not good, embarrassing, and kind of like a shameful reminder every time I see her that I hurt her, which would be really rough. And I top my list.

That's it, that's everything. No, the Epsler email I think would be the most embarrassing and then it would also kind of like ruin my career. So for that reason, it would have the longest lasting effects. But it was in high school. Yeah. I think people were like, it was high school,

like a teenager in the 90s, like that's unfortunately how we spoke back then. That sucks. Titanic had just won an Academy Award. You have to understand about Schmidt had come out. Like I had to say it. I really had to say the word in an email. Yeah, so it's old enough that I'm emailing,

which is kind of like 2004, I guess, is when I got my email. Yeah. Okay, well, you did avoid being rank, which is ultimately like winning the game. Yeah. And I thought your answers were thoughtful enough. Unfortunately, the Soy Vey Teriyaki

couldn't be at the bottom, so you lose. Really? There was a secret rule around the soy teriyaki. Yes. It had to be second and up. I see. Cause you have to say soy vey.

69 plug is the least embarrassing. You could have won a house. Here it is. Here's the listing. It is 69 plug. 69 plug is bad, but like at the same time, it's interesting cause it's not even a boulevard

or a street, which I didn't even know you could do. Like could a street just be a word without those other things that describe it? Uber eats there because there's a field for what the street name is, and it's just plus. It has to say street, have, lane, port. Look, there's an asterisk right here. You have to have it.

You're stuck. You have to tell people it's Plug Street, which makes it look like it's Plugst, which is even worse. Send it to Jake Hurwitz, care of Jillian at 69 Plugst. That would probably be worse actually. P-L-U-G-S-T, no street or court or boulevard. That's probably true.

All right, thank you for playing my game. Probably better than your game, but I'll let the audience decide. No, I think it is, for sure. Maybe you can give me one next week. No, I think it is for sure. Maybe you can give me one next week. Yeah, that's a good idea. We'll play Ranker next week.

Yeah, we can even potentially sell these on Estee. Nice. Oh, sorry about that. I'm an Etsy. Okay, that's it. Really pathetic. Two games for y'all today. And you know what?

We barely even touched on the numbers game. Although it does kind of feel like we're close. We're circling the wagons. So maybe we'll call those first three or four a warmup and let's see if we can get it in one. Ready? Yeah. Three, two, one.

78. 79. Okay. That's fine. Okay. Whatever. Yeah. You don't have to force it. It's not going to happen every episode. Like that's not a sustainable business model. We move on. Onward and upward. Um, for more of us, you can check out our Patreon, patreon.com slash J. A. We watched a couples therapist recently with Ben Schwartz. That was a fun one. Right, goddamn.

What a trip down memory lane. And many, many, many, many, many more. So you can watch us there and we'll be back next week as always. So appreciate you listening, though not watching quite yet. And we'll see you soon. Bye everybody. Bye.

That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, it's Nicole Byer here. Let me ask you something. Are you tired of endless swiping on dating apps? Fed up with awkward first dates and disappointing hookups? Girl, same. Welcome to Why Won't You Date Me?

The podcast where I figure out love and how to suck less at dating. Each week, I get real with comedians, friends, and celebrities about their love lives. We swap dating horror stories, awkward hookups, and dive into the messy and wonderful world of relationships. I've chatted with amazing guests like Conan O'Brien, Whitney Cummings, Sarah Silverman, Trixie Mattel, Tiffany Haddish, and so many more.

So whether you're single, mingling, or boot up, there's something in it for everyone. Tune into Why Won't You Date Me with me, Nicole Byer, and discover insights that might just save you from your next dating disaster. Listen and subscribe on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts, and catch full video episodes on YouTube. New episodes drop every Friday.