If I Were You - 69: If I Were You

Episode Date: March 10, 2025

In this episode we wax about wax, and bring back some unsolicited advice.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Seconds! Wuh-huh-huh-ho! What's good, man? Meet you two pathetic hoes Seconds What's good man? March 2025, and I honestly think the fruits of a multi-decade emphasis towards humanity, hospitality, joy, empathy, sympathy, cornucopia, food, wine, orgy, sex, love, fucking romance, passion, having a great time. And suddenly after what seemed like a never-ending doom scroll of hate and vitriol, we've emerged from the other side and we're ready to say, I can love my fellow man.

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So we thought, why don't we throw it back a little old school today? Oh, oh. Why don't we dust off slash polish off our old podcast if I were you? Kind of the goat show. It's kind of the OG. I don't know what we were thinking. It was definitely, honestly, it was the bomb.

And I want to say Diggity. Really? Yeah. I have a theme song on my computer. I actually have a lot of theme songs. Really? That we never used or what? Probably that we did use. Just something called If I Were You.

Okay, let's play this one. Ready? All right, let's hear it. No one will know who I am No one will give a damn about me If I were you, the podcast baby If I were you, the podcast baby starts now. Ooh. That got me hyped. Let's bring back the old show. Let's retire segments. We've been doing it for what, two years now?

Yeah, a little under. Two years. I think a little over a year. A little over a year, so not even. I mean, look, we tried it. It didn't stick. I think we kind of peaked with the one through 100 episode. We've now done it all.

And it's time to go back to the well that has nourished us for so long. Let us go back to the evergreen forest of advice podcasting. What do you say? We can't just constantly. Why? Honestly, this was a conversation that had to have happened before.

It was not constantly, it's once, it's twice. Max twice. It's like the pump faking stuff is sort of confusing to the me really and also the audience. No, it wouldn't be like the pump, the pump. If I were you. Sort of confusing to the me really. And also the audience. No, this would it wouldn't be like a pump fake. This would be our segments would be Michael Jordan's season playing for the White Sox.

That's what it would be. People wouldn't even really talk about segments. Yeah. Cause we are the Michael Jordan of podcasting. And if I were you is the Bulls and segments is the major league baseball team, the Chicago White Sox. I think he only played for the minor league. Yeah. We're the Birmingham Barons of comedy.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's how I feel. And Jeffrey is Tony Kukoc, brought in to sort of replace us, but ultimately would be a great right-hand man once we do come back.

Mm-hmm. So if I were you returning, which it's not, but hosted by Jeff and you, I sort of take a Phil Jackson style coach role. Yeah. You take a back seat slash L. Yeah. And I hold both and I give you guys the space

and the freedom you need to run that triangle offense that is necessary to succeed in the modern podcasting landscape. I don't hate it. But for now, I guess we should just answer the questions you found in our old email box. Yeah, and I did have to go through a year of spam. So if we do re-integrate the If I Were You show,

we'll have to do a new email. That thing cannot be. It is, it is gone. It's a Yahoo mail that you forgot existed. And then you signed it. It is haunted by mailer daemons. We're on more mailing lists than it could possibly be known to man.

Just dozens and dozens of spam, smut, and garbage every day. That's right. You know who emails us more than anybody is the real real for some reason. What's that? It's like a consignment shop for high-end clothing. I noticed you're wearing a few sweaters from them. Yes, this is Gucci, this is Prada, this is Tom Ford,

and I am bored. Let's get started. Okay, so how many emails did you send me? I believe I sent you either three or four. Wow, more than enough. Should be. Okay, these are as always, of course, real emails from real peoples that are,

we're gonna be giving them a fake names just to preserve their anonymity, if I remember that correctly. I think so. So what should we call this first human? Steve Kerr. Steve Kerr says, wife won't stop calling me dude. I love it already.

I figured I would toss, wow, this is written in 2023. I figured I would toss this question out for once and for all before y'all jump the carpet and the podcast. My wife won't stop calling me dude. I've told her several times, both in seriousness and in jest to stop calling me that. She has acknowledged that she doesn't mean to keep doing it, but can't help it.

I've stopped mentioning it altogether when she does it. So I think she thinks I'm over it, but I'm not. What should I do? Also, do your significant others ever call you something you don't like? Love you both with all my heart, Steve Kerr. Wow, all my heart. Does Avi Talle ever call you anything interesting?

I don't think so. She calls you Mere Mere and you seem to like that. Mere Mere? No, she does not call it. No, no, I think you're just trying to share that right now. She calls you Bloomsky. Doesn't she call you Bloomsky? Yeah, named after Blue Sky, the new Twitter alternative.

Blooms. Yes, yes, yes. Yeah. No, we don't really have. You don't have a pet name? Don't really have a pet name, no. Really? I don't really have a pet name for, I guess it would only be for a lady, but for anybody ever.

I don't really do the sweetie, the honey, the babies. What do you call Avi Tal when you're like post-coitus and you say... Hey. So, okay. So you're bathing in the afterglow, having just... Excuse me.

Excuse me. Did she far away? No, but I think I have an ear infection and rapper's tongue. I'm nutted so hard I have an earache. My world was so rocked that I think I need to see an ENT. Immediately. Hey. Yeah, yeah. Why do you guys have a pet name for one another?

Um, we call each other J because of your first initials being both J. Yeah, that's, that's usually what I say. J or as she says, J, which was sort of my joke. Hey, hey. Yeah. Right. You guys could call each other. Hey, that's nice.

Hey, J J rose off, rolls off the tongue a little bit more. And it sounds like Jay. A sounds like I'm yelling. Hey, yeah, right, right, right. And I don't think she's ever called me anything that I disliked. I'm trying to think. I don't think so. If she called you, dude, would you be offended?

No, I think that would be really funny. Hey, dude. Right. I guess it depends on the context. Hey dude, it sounds like she's about to ask me for a really annoying favor the way. Hey dude, can you move the car? It's on the wrong side of the street, dude. I don't understand why this guy is offended by.

I guess it's a little too platonic and friendly and less romantic and lovey. I mean, if this guy loves us with all of his heart's a little too platonic and friendly and less romantic and lovey. I mean, if this guy loves us with all of his heart, you can only imagine what he feels about her. I feel like also now we've both been in our relationships for a very long time. So maybe if I was in like the honeymoon stage of my dating

and we were already so close that Joe was like calling me dude and treating me like we were best friends or just buds, then I would be like, hey, I'm your, I'm more than dude. I'm your man. I'm your honey bitch. I'm your honey bitch. Would you call me bro, dude?

Please. Yeah, what do you do? What do you do? Well, he's already told her. He's already told her that he doesn't appreciate the dude. He's told her that in the two ways that you have to, is for, you know, in earnest and by joking around. And now he's doing my other piece of advice,

which would be to ignore it. Get home, the God it goes away. Jesus Christ, he's tried it all. You could give yourself a nickname. Like if you just started calling yourself Ace. She's like, hey dude. He's like, oh yeah, Ace is here. What's going on? Call me Hoss.

Oh yeah. Hoss incoming. What do you need Hoss to do for you, bud? So you're calling your friend yourself a third person as Haas calling her bud. And hope that it muddies the water so much that she can no longer call you dude in good faith. Right, she'll kind of forget it

because there's just so many nicknames floating in the ether. Yeah, including ether. Ether, oh, yeah,ames floating in the ether. Yeah, including ether. Ether, oh. Yeah, my friends call me ether. Yeah. It's because I own an Ethereum. So I don't know if that changes anything about what you wanna call me with regards to dude or ether,

but I'm gonna be calling you babe or bitch, depending on what I feel about you that day. I was just going to say you could start calling her dudette, which is a really annoying nickname. Yeah, unless she likes it. Ugh, who could like that? She says, hey dude, and then you say, yes dudette. Then she'll be like, oh, that's annoying.

That's gross. And you're not doing anything except ping ponging her right back. I don't even think that is that offensive. You know? And then you can almost make a compromise with her and say, all right, fine. I'll stop calling you do debt

if you stop calling me dude. Right. And then it's like, oh, suddenly that's what you wanted all the time. Exactly. What did people do before us? I think they would probably ask somebody else or continue trying things until nothing worked and then they would get like divorced or something.

Hard to imagine. Yeah. I bet a lot of marriages fell apart in this year and change that we haven't been podcasting. Well, they say that 50% or so of marriages end in divorce. I wonder if that changed at all from the census data after like 2013 when we started the show. I do wonder if that's been changing recently because I feel like millennials, our whole generation did a lot more like dating optimizing. And just from my immediate friend group, most people that I know are in

healthier relationships for having dated around more. Yeah, it seems like back in the 70s and 60s, you just got married at age 21. Right. And then it's like, oh, I'm 29. I don't want to be married anymore. So they got married early and divorced early. And now people are like- I met my fiance at a dance. So will you marry me? We've been together for nine weeks. Instead of a second date, it was a proposal. Yeah, so yeah, of course divorce was high. Now I feel like people date for years and years

and the average like marriage age is probably over what the average divorce age was 50 years ago. So I bet marriage rate is down, but divorce rate is down too, is what I would guess. Oh, yeah. We should talk to an anthropologist about humanity. You know, I wanted to ask a guy that works at anthropology

to come on the show, but he was like giving me the run around. I was like, hey, what do you do here? And he's like, I work in like fragrances and dresses. I'm like, you should come on our show. We've always been looking for someone who works in dresses. That's his specialty, I guess. And I just had, I had this gift card to anthropology.

But he'll also go to the furniture section if he needs to sell a throw pillow. Yeah, and I'm like, you should totally come on my podcast. And he's like, I don't know who you are. I don't want to talk to you about anything. Where did you meet him? Was it at Anthropologie? Anthropologie, yeah.

You were at the fragrance section or the dress section? I was at the throw, the throw pillows you were talking about. So he was there out of necessity. It was out of his comfort zone. That's why I think I caught him really, really, really off guard because he ended up, I don't know if it was because of me or circumstances,

but he quit. So what were the, what do you think the circumstances might be if it wasn't you? Like just the ennui of like post COVID life, realizing that like this isn't the roaring twenties he was promised. And what do you think it, right, what do you think it might have been if it was you? Because I was sort of walking around him really, really fast and like getting in his face and he was like getting to the point where the only way to escape me was to not be. Okay.

I feel like it was the, it's the second thing. It's you, it was a you based exit. I think I've made probably since I turned 30 and I'm 42 now, maybe 20 people quit. Quit anthropology or just quit a different job? Retail. Like I'll do retail therapy to the point where like the people working there just want out. Yeah. I had a breakthrough at Staples. There was the Abercrombie models that I sort of turned off

to that entire ecosystem. That was like four dudes in one day. And then like just counting back at the envelope math, a few at the gap, I made a best buy guy die. I made like this two people at Target hang up their apron instantly. Like I don't know what. I made a group of salespeople unwell.

They all got sick and they thought it was mold. Like, I don't know. Well, I made a group of salespeople unwell. They all got sick and they thought it was mold, but as soon as I left, everything tested fine. So yeah, I don't know. Good luck. Call this lady, Dudette, and see if it annoys her to the point where she doesn't wanna call you dude anymore. Totally. The risk of course being she loves Dudette,

now you're stuck in a really terrible relationship where dude and dudette are hanging out. Anything could happen. But let us know. Maybe we'll answer that question again in four years. A follow-up pop, if you will. Exactly. Okay, let's take a break and answer some more questions after these messages. Hell yeah. Thank you to Factor for sponsoring this episode of our show. Factor. I don't know if you're a fan of chef-made gourmet meals that are very easy to eat, dietitian approved, and you can just heat it and eat it in two minutes. But if you are, then Factor is here for you.

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That's right. Thank you, Factor. Thanks. Thank you to Draft Kings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Exactly, thank you Draft Kings. Jake, I don't know if you know this, but I'm a basketball fan.

Really? Yes. Like NBA or? Yeah, I'll watch hoops of any kind. Really? From NBA all the way down to my nieces, four-year-old team practicing. And you're betting on those, on those children's games. Yeah. Okay.

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One per new customer. Bonus awarded as non-withdrawable pick six credits that expire in 14 days limited time offer c terms at pick six dot draft kings.com slash promos right. And we're back Jake do you have any? You know what I've gotten insanely into recently? And I'm talking pretty crazed. I'm a borderline obsessed with these things. In a healthy way or... No.

Yeah, you're mad. in a healthy way or... No. Yeah, you're mad. In a deep fixation, I literally can't get enough. Candles. I'm talking... Yeah, go ahead. Do you have a question? You look confused for a second. Do you need me to clarify?

Insatiable appetite for scented candles. Not scented. Not scented. not scented. I care more. Unscented. Ideally unscented. I care about the soft, relaxing light from these pieces of shit. Okay. Okay. I like a cornucopia of candles.

Once I put Gemma to bed. Yeah. I surround her with flame. It is a hazard each and every night. A cornucopia of light. I conduct a seance. It's fucking Fantasia in there around her crib. I do a quick ritual for her to have a good night's sleep.

No, she goes to bed and I kind of like, you know, Jill and I clean up the kitchen. We put everything away. We get the house into immaculate order. It's the most soothing. It's the most soothing time of the day because nothing can be disrupted. And then I light maybe four to nine candles throughout the first floor of my house. And it is just- Are the lights off? Or- The lights are off.

The lights are off. Maybe one or two lights are on and incredibly dim. We are talking just dim orange glow throughout the house. It's almost like a power outage is happening and you're using the candles to get around. Exactly, exactly. We've got a ledge with the candle burning. We've got the fireplace mantles, two candles are burning, a bar where there's three candles burning. I have a little stack of candles over in a corner in the kitchen,

another candle by the toaster, a shite, and on the table. When all candles are going, it's a blaze. It's a forest fire. It's an inferno down there. Dante style. And did this start with one and then you just kept adding? You're like, I'm not even close to having enough candles. It started when we went to Denmark. We were staying somewhere up in the north island

on the northern part of the island of Zealand in a little beach town. And we were taking these walks and everywhere you walk past all of these houses, they were so cozy with like in the gloaming of the evening with the fog and the sound of the ocean and they had little candles burning on their hearths and on their tables. And I was like, you know what? I want to be that cozy when we go home.

And Jill was like, you know, we have candles. We just never burn them. And I was like, do we really? We got home, she put them out. I lit them up and I was, I was euphoric. I was in heaven. I was so, I was becalmed and I was beguiled and bedeviled. Okay.

So two questions. One is, do you think this is just a wintery mix? Like if it's summertime and hot outside and still light till 8 45, you think you'll whip out the candles at 10 15 PM. It might be a fall to spring thing, but it has been going without fail since October. And then, oh wow, so that's almost six months. And then to blow them out, are you just walking around like birthday style? And is there a lot of smoke in the room as you blow out nine candles on one floor?

No, not a lot of smoke. I mean, if you get the good quality wax, you're not looking, it's not a smoky candle. And you do have to be careful because you don't wanna spray the wax back into your face when you blow. So it's like a little bit like a birthday. It's just a very short.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Go out.

Yeah. Go out. Go out. Go out. Yeah. Yeah. So I go around and I blow them out at the end of the night. Some of them in at least one of the candle holders,

they're like, I have these little three hour candles that will occasionally just burn completely out. And have you considered a candelabra bra? I have a borderline candelabra that I bought when I was in Denmark at a little thrift store, a little antique shop, actually was a gas station repurposed as an antique shop, just a gorgeous little place, an iron candelabra. But I don't know if it's a candelabra, if it's just three, it's, it's a holder that has three candles kind of in a triangle and they're not different heights. So I don't know if that's a candelabra. And what do you like about the candles? Is it the the glow? Is it the warmth? Is it all of the above? It's the glow, it's the warmth.

Like I was already big into my lights not being bright in my house. I think that like that amber glow is very relaxing to me. So I was going for that anyway and the candles elevated it tenfold. Interesting. Because we sort of zagged on that. I had the fluorescent tubes installed in my living room kitchen. So at all hours of the night, it looks like almost like a deli in Mexico or something like that. Right, yeah.

Just like really- You have that comforting buzz. Yeah, it's got the fluorescent buzz. And you made it so that the one in the hallway flickers, right? I don't know how that happened, but the floors are wet and the bulbs are sort of flickering. And yeah, it's a neon buzz that's caught. And it's the hum that we like.

It's like a white noise. Yeah. When I visited, I noticed that you leave the door to the back porch open. So it's just attracting insects and bugs. I have the mosquito light as a recessed lighting in my living room, but the bugs can't get to it because I don't want to kill any of them.

So they're still attracted to the purple fluorescent tube without necessarily ever getting zapped, though I still do hear the snap, crackle and popping. I think it's a psychosomatic thing, but I can't stop hearing it and it is deafening and definite and it's constant and Constantinople. It feels like some sort of ancient Turkish bizarre because it is so fucking bizarre, if that makes sense. Anyway, I'm looking for a little stool. Are they on the second floor of this anthropology? I quit again.

Oh my God. What? You're gonna have to stop coming in here. We no longer have the staff required. Okay, kind of an unrelated question to the candles. Oh, yeah. Why do you think employees of stores that have nothing to do with cooking still wear aprons?

Give me an example. I don't know if I've ever- Like Walmart. Come across that. Home Depot. They wear aprons? Yeah, they'll wear like an orange apron. Huh.

Or Target, they'll wear a red apron. And like, that's how you sort of note them. Yeah, I guess because maybe they're, you know, they're lifting and moving things. It's kind of like a work smock. It's not about food, but anything can get on them. There's, you know, and some of these places like Walmart and Target do have food. There's, you know, and there, and some of these places like Walmart and Target do have food.

That's correct. It was their right answer. Why did you ask? You nailed it. It was trivia. Did I really? Yeah. It was trivia. You got it, man. You fucking nailed it.

Why'd you use that? I couldn't have because you used Home Depot as a reference. I couldn't have, because you used Home Depot as a reference. Yeah, they sold jerky at the self checkout. Okay, when was the last time you were at Home Depot? I actually had to go there the other day to get things to hang up the framed art behind me. Oh, you went to Home Depot to get what? Drywall anchors or just a picture hanger level.

Just picture hangers. Yeah, just picture hangers and some jerky. Yeah. And an apron. I went just for the jerky. And if you have a stud finder, you found one. Pointing to yourself. The laser hitting my cornea. And if you have a stud finder, you found one. Pointing to yourself.

The laser hitting my cornea. You guys have candles. I'm looking to get high-key and high-fee. Okay. Should we answer another question? Why not? We're already here. It's true.

Class crush calamity. Oh, we'll call this person Christian Chase Connor. Oh, Connor. CCC writes, there's this girl in one of my literature classes who is utterly stunning, absolutely breathtaking, unspeakably beautiful. Whoa. She sits on the other side of the room and only talks to two huge guy friends who sit on either side of her, so there's never been a good opportunity to talk. I try to appear cool, brooding, mysterious, shooting the occasional gaze over, but there's a problem. I'm a frickin' nerd, so I've become a huge teacher's pet in class. While I'm chatting with a teacher, asking questions and making observations,

I can't help but feel like I have, I look like a complete dork to this girl. I don't want to stop participating in class just to seem cool, but I also want her to see me in a good light so I can feel good eventually talking to her. So if you could give me any tips on how to be nerdy in a hot way or even hot in a nerdy way and combine those two arts into one, I'd really appreciate it. I, when I read this question, I was like,

my first inclination was to just be like, hey, be yourself. And then I started thinking about the way it was worded like that he's chatting with the teacher. Like, is that like a lot? Yeah, it's like a lot. It's like all class. Yeah. He's co-opting the lecture. Yeah, I almost want to give advice, girl aside aside for the teacher.

I think nobody in the class is gonna like you if you're participating too much, like teacher included. Is it a lecture and you keep on joining in? Would you say you're more nerdy in a hot way or hot in a nerdy way? Me? Yeah. Hot in a, wait, hot, what's the options? Ner way or hot in a nerdy way? Me? Yeah. Hot in a, wait, hot, what's the options?

Nerdy. Hot in a nerdy way? In a hot way, or hot in a nerdy way. That doesn't even make any sense to me. Nerdy in a hot way. I think I'm not nerdy in a hot way. I guess I'm hot in a nerdy way. You wish.

I don't think that they're that different. I know you don't. What are you? I'm hot in a hot way. I'm hot in a hot way. You're nerdy in a nerdy way. There's no other way to fucking slice it nicely. And you're not in a not way.

Do you get that? You're not in a y'all way. As a not even God would fuck you. You are that big of a zero. You are not hot. You are not even a nerd. It's not working. Everybody knows when you go to heaven,

the first thing that happens is that God fucks you. Why do you think the gates are so pearly, you bitch? What would you advise this person to do? Why do you think the gates are so pearly? You bitch. Shhh. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Oh. What would you advise this person to do? I only, I always, I only have one move which is to make people laugh. So like you gotta just go for the jokes

and if they land, congratulations, you've impressed someone and if they don't, it wasn't meant to be and you'll have to find the second prettiest, hottest hottest coolest girl in the world Mm-hmm, and if that doesn't work, just keep going down from there until you got one on your line But to be a class clown is a fucking tight rope act. You got to make the teacher laugh You got to make the students laugh. It's really really hard, right? Because that is hot in a nerdy way

Yeah really, really hard. Right. Cause that is hot in a nerdy way. Yeah. Cause now you're, you're kind of smart enough to make a joke that will make people laugh. You could also just stop asking questions in class and just save some of your, your best gems to ask her as you're leaving class. Like, you know, oh, I didn't understand when the teacher said this, you know, what did you think? Yeah. Uh, could be kind of interesting. I guess they meant that there's a midterm next week.

Like, what do you mean you didn't understand that? Two huge friends shoving you against a lock. Oh, those are my bodyguards because I'm the vice president's daughter. So you can't talk to me anymore. Holy shit, you're a Vance? Yeah, Vance has got a 19 year old daughter on the side. That's bizarre.

P.S. Amir deserves the golden mic for this episode. Wow. That's kind of cool. You haven't given those out in a minute. Yeah, sure. You can have it. Really? It doesn't really mean anything for segments.

Like, it's not the same kind of prestige. So I can have it for this one episode then? Sure. Whatever. Doesn't matter. It's yours. This is like, it's a sympathy award for you at this point. I will take it.

If you want it. I'll have it. Yeah. I would really, really, really want the golden Mike. Right now more than ever. I think I more than ever kind of deserve one. Okay. Like almost like a, like a posthumous sort of like that. All right. You keep on asking about it, but you're, you have it. It's yours. So do whatever you want with it. All right. I mean, I won't like necessarily

gloat, but it is kind of fun to be like the man for a little bit. You're not gonna gloat? I can gloat. I can't believe you're not gonna gloat. You've never gotten a Golden Mike and you finally have one and you're just- I mean, if that's what it takes to keep it, then I'll fucking- You're minimizing it.

You're downplaying it. That's a dirty. That's a dirty man. You's a turdy, man. You get a turdy for that. For the casual disregard that you just displayed. So I have both, I have the turdy and I have the golden mic. You don't get the golden mic.

You absolutely don't get the golden mic. I saw how little you appreciated it. I loved it, I said it was awesome. It was a lifetime achievement award. Maybe next time we do, if I were you, you'll get it. But this time, the way you just behaved has left a bad taste in my mouth. You've been tacky.

Lighting a candle on the desk. Ah. Lighting a candle on the desk. Ah, ah. She's thumping wax. I'm becoming Lumiere or some shit. I'm like, I have candle at this point. Be my guest. Any other advice other than be funny and hope to God that you'll make her laugh?

I think be yourself. It's your only hope for getting somebody to like you because you can't help who you are. That's annoying. That said, look internally and ask yourself if maybe you can save some of your questions so they're not disrupting the class for others. If you're so worried about your behavior in class reflecting badly just for this one girl, imagine that it might be reflecting badly for all. Are you ruining class for people?

If so, you need to talk to the teacher after class with good questions. I can't ruin enough literature. It's not girl advice. Yeah. Now you're siding with a fucking teacher, a professor who's trying to teach literature. You're ruining Faulkner for everyone.

You don't wanna be the, you forgot to assign homework kid. Yeah. Although that is kind of hot in the nerdy way. All right. Let's take another break, come back and answer one more question. Boom. Thank you to BetterHelp for sponsoring this episode of our show.

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Hola. One last dude from the Miami of Ohio school. You know there's a Miami in Ohio? Oh really? Yes, I did know that actually. That's kind of funny. It's like the most Floridian city in just the least Floridian state, Ohio.

So this is just a guy who lives in Miami. Oh, not that Miami. Exactly. I live in Ohio. We'll call him LeBron James James who lived in both Miami and Ohio. I'm a 25 year old ad man living in Cleveland. My GF and I met in college at the Miami of Ohio. Shout out Wally Zerbiak. Over COVID, we bonded playing games and sharing late nights on FaceTime and finally made it official over a year ago.

Congrats. It's interesting to think that COVID relationships are now like five years in at this point. Uh, okay. Here's the problem. She lives in Chicago. She's a vet tech and my work is entirely remote. Along with that, she's not really into the idea of moving to the urban utopia of Cleveland. So it makes sense for me to move there as my job also has an office in Chicago.

Okay. When do I start seriously thinking about moving to Chicago? Is moving 18 to 24 months too soon? I can afford to have my own place in Chicago and would likely do that so we don't just jump the carp, but it still feels weird to leave my homeland for a girl I've only dated for a little over a year. Help, PS, Jeff and I went to preschool together and I just learned that a few years ago.

PS, go Bill. Respect. Yeah. Respect. I think 18 to 24 months, definitely not too soon. You're definitely not moving too soon. Also, you zoom out. I think it might be more to ask you to move like, you know, if you're living in a big city,

if you're, say you're living in Chicago and your girlfriend's going to school in Cleveland, you're moving some place where there's gonna be less social life and less job opportunities and stuff like that. So you're kind of like, okay, I'm putting all of my eggs in this relationship basket. less social life and less job opportunities and stuff like that. So you're kind of like, okay, I'm putting all of my eggs in this relationship basket.

But moving to a bigger city, there's gonna be plenty of things for you to do. So even if things didn't go right, you would still have an exciting life in Chicago. I think you can't really go wrong. And I love the idea of moving not in with her, but getting your own place for the first bit. This is sort of what Jill did. How long were you and her together

before she moved to LA into her own apartment? I think it was a year and a half, so roughly 18 months. And she did move to LA and she didn't move in with you. That's right. I was like, we can move in together. And she was like, it'll, it's like, I don't want to, basically she was like, I don't want to run. She didn't like the candles, right?

She didn't like, yeah, it was a candle thing. She was like, I didn't want to rush it and have you freak out. Like, I don't think she would have, but she, she knew that like, I, it was, it was in play for me at the time. So she moved in, she moved like down the street though and it was perfect.

Oh yeah, that place was pretty fun. Do you remember how much she paid in rent? Yeah, I think she had, it was like a studio, maybe it was like 1400. Damn, that's a really good deal. Does she still have that place as a P to tear rent controlled? Cause I've been looking for a little place

just to get out of Dodger a few weeks. She obviously doesn't still have it because that was 10 years ago. Yeah. I'm wondering if I can live in an apartment. I bought a place together. So she didn't hang on to a studio apartment. I'm curious if it's still 1400, just cause I think I sort of find a spot nearby.

I'm sure you can find a studio apartment on Los Feliz Boulevard if you need to. Yeah. For under two, for close to two. For close to two with privacy. I don't, yeah, what do you mean with privacy? Like does it have carte blanche blackout curtains? It doesn't have carte.

Like I could go in there and nobody would know, Maybe. Are you, what are you trying to find? Like a jack off hut or something? Are you, what? No, I just, you know, I need a, I need like a small, super dark place to, to, to like, to sleep and crank it basically. Like, so it is a jack off hut, not a hut, but like sort of just like a, like kind of like a studio apartment, but instead of pizza, you know, it's out to sell it out. You don't, but you are, you have been.

Yeah, exactly right. But for 1400, I mean, that's incredible. And did you end up paying her back in kind for that? Cause I know she spent probably 14,000 to $20,000 moving out to LA. And they just moved back. I'm curious. I would pay her back in like, I give her cash for that. We lived in LA for five years. We, I wouldn't, I don't owe her anything. She was working for a company that funded the move. She didn't even pay for it.

They did. Okay. I'm just curious if you paid her back for that because I know it was a 20,000 dollar. You're not curious. This is a very odd line of questioning. You're needling. I'll text her and you. This isn't curiosity. If you paid her back for the move, you forced her. I didn't force anything. Kind of against her will to take. No, it was definitely not. And to live in a separate place. and to live in a separate place. I do think that I could be a little needling an agent of chaos sometimes, not necessarily now, not necessarily like this. I will text her and you.

Not for the greater good, nor for the common good, but for my good and for your bad. Forever and ever, amen. So back to this guy, he can move to Chicago in 18 to 24 months, it's not too soon. Get your own place and if you should find yourself over at the other person's house more often than not, that's probably when you wanna move in.

Yeah, exactly. And if all goes to shit, you don't have to be like, oh, you know, I feel like maybe part of it is always like, I moved here for you. And you feel like a little bit like, I wish there was like two or three other external things that made this moving for you make more sense. You know, like a job opportunity, a school,

some other friends in Chicago. But I think it's okay to admit to yourself that you love somebody and you're just gonna go and put yourself in the same place. And there's a lot of great things that will happen once you're there. Yeah. Even if it's not like a compelling move for you right now. I mean, Chicago from Cleveland seems like an upgrade. For sure.

Is that fair to say? I've never been to Cleveland, actually. I couldn't tell you. I thought you and I have been to Cleveland. Or have we been to Cincinnati? Yeah, we've been to Cleveland actually. I couldn't tell you. I thought you and I have been to Cleveland or have we been to Cincinnati? Yeah, we've been to Cincinnati. We did a road trip video in Cincinnati. You fly into Kentucky, take a car across some river, suddenly you're in South Ohio, AKA Cincinnati.

Yeah, okay. So I'm looking, I'm just gonna look back in my emails to see if you and I ever went to Cleveland, okay? I don't think I've been to Cleveland and I don't think I've been to Milwaukee. We've been to Madison. We have been to Madison. We have been to Madison.

I think we've been to Cleveland. Are you sure we haven't? I thought we went there for like a Sobe or a Mountain Dew thing. Cleveland? I don't think so. Maybe you went with David Young? Yeah, maybe. I'm seeing a lot of Cleveland, but none from, none from you and I. Yeah.

Uh, okay. That's fine. That's fine. Check it out. We obviously should. Actually, this guy wrote this email, uh, a year and a half ago, so we can almost reply and ask him if he moved yet. Whoa.

That's true. Hey, uh, are you in Chicago, dude? I wonder if there's a Miami in Illinois he can move to. That's a good idea. Oh, there should be a Miami in every state. Uh, okay. Good luck. It might be.

Good luck, sir. Good luck, LeBron. Good luck. And Godspeed. Uh, okay. It might be. Good luck, sir. Good luck, LeBron. Good luck. And Godspeed. Okay, that was fun. A little old school dusting off our advice giving skills. Why not?

I loved it. I had a good time. Yeah. Let's never do it again. I was thinking we could do it for next episode and every episode after. Yeah, no. You did mention completely shifting slash pivoting

back to the old podcast, almost on a lark, a goof, an ill-advised thought that you sort of threw out there into the ether. It was kind of a monumental shift to just sort of throw on me during the show. I'm him on a whim. I'm that dude. I'm 100% that him.

I guess let's do a quick zero to a hundred see if we could break our record of three. Yeah. All right. One, two, three, 34. 79. Yep. One, two, three, 65.

Oh. One, two, three, nine. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh my God. Oh, M nine. Holy shit. We tied it. Oh, M nine.

We fucking tied it. What is the fact? Now I feel like two is actually on the table. Right, two is absolutely on the table. We could have just started with nine. Wow. Wow. Nine.

Of all numbers, why is nine so fucking fine? Yeah, it was funny. I was like, nine is, nine's a great guess because it's funny if you say any number and I say nine. Yeah, 63 and nine. It's just like so far away. Nine is kind of the tallest number under 10, right? Yeah.

Nine is, I might get a nine tattoo right here on my forearm to be like, this was just a really cool moment for us. Would you do that with me? I'll get a six. 69. That's funny. Okay. If you want to hear and see more of us, we're on Patreon this month doing a March Madness style bracket challenge to find out the funniest slash greatest Jake and Amir video of all time.

Exactly. We are. That's true. And you can watch some of that on YouTube, some of that on Patreon. We're going through 63 actually 64 matchups to determine which one is in fact the greatest J a o a t of all time. Got a lot of very strong candidates. When you narrow all 800 videos down to the 64 best, you have some big fucking hitters in there. Tough matchups. And it's funny because if there's a tie between our votes,

we ask the audience to vote so you guys can make your cases and voices heard. I've noticed on yesterday's video on YouTube, the overwhelming majority of people have the same four. They're like, this one is better than this one. I think this one is better than this one. It's like nearly unanimous amongst the crowd. Really?

Like unanimous like. Whereas we were split on like vest versus Bitcoin. For them it's like vest, 100% vest. They don't even consider Bitcoin. Really? Yeah, and if we're split on like blood donation and power lunch, they're like, no, blood donation, 100%. Really? Yeah, and if we're split on like blood donation and power lunch, they're like, no, blood donation, 100%. Really?

Yeah. Damn, I really love power lunch. So power lunch lost, huh? Yeah, so check that out and vote. Cool. If you're still in line to vote, you have to vote. You have to vote. And we'll be back here, of course, next week.

Yes. Ciao for now. Bye everybody. That was a Hidgum original.