If I Were You - 71: March Madness 10

Episode Date: March 24, 2025

In this episode we create a scandal and a few Jake and Amirs.The Ambies - https://www.ambies.com/theshowRSVP here to attend The Ambies on March 31st in Chicago!Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. I'm going to shit. Another podcast. Each app different from the last. It's the Swiss Army Nightbook shows. Meet you two pathetic hoes. Seconds. Let's get into it. How's your week?

So there's no such thing as bad publicity, right? Which is why I feel like this show needs some sort of controversy. Like I don't want to say a scandal. Not a cancel, but a scandal, a scandal. Even a scandal will do. Like a scandal is canceling. Scandal is canceling. Yeah, some sort of scandal is canceling.

If it has to do with the candle, that's okay. So it could be a cancel, a scandal is candle, scandal, or maybe something about what you were overheard saying to a friend at a rally or Maybe oh god on so you went to you went to a Trump rally Well any rally like something that's like he can do that, but ultimately it's not good Ideally something I'd have to apologize for, or you. Right.

Or you. Well, I guess I like the idea of a scansel, but I don't like being the center of that. Like if you're down to do something controversial, that's cancel cultural appropriation maybe. But yeah, something where along the lines, wherein you do something that you have to publicly apologize for and I have to distance myself from.

Like. Yeah, I'm wondering, like did you see the whole Stephen A. Smith, LeBron James thing? Like. Vaguely. Smith, LeBron James thing? Like, vaguely. Yes, I only saw- So Stephen A. Smith was a ESPN talking head who said something like, I and LeBron, I'm talking to you as a father,

stop doing this to your kid, it's embarrassing, it's not like good parenting. Yeah. That's what he said on one of his TV shows. So then LeBron confronted him at a Laker game, being like, stop talking about my kid,. Like talk about my game all you want, but I leave Bronnie out of it. And then Stephen A. Smith was able to just parlay that

into like, this is what really happened. I want to tell my side of the story. I wasn't going to address it, but now I have to. So something wherein a public eye sees part of the story. Right. And now you have sees part of the story. Right. And now you have to fill in the details. It's a he said, he said thing.

Maybe you and I have a public falling out or, oh. Oh, interesting. I could maybe, what if, do you think Avital would hook up with me? Like. Yes, yeah. You do? Why? Is this for the scansel or are you sort of

changing the subject? I think that this could be apropos to the the scansel. If I have, if you're like if you're getting cocked by me, like if I'm gallivanting with your wife. I was thinking more along the lines of surveillance camera catching three women beating the shit out of you. Me? And then it's like, what the hell happened there? Like Abhital and Jill punching the shit out of me for mentioning that.

And then you have to sort of get to the bottom of that and be like, all right, now I have to sort of address what was happening there. Can I ask a question about the Stephen A Smith LeBron thing? Cause I basically only saw, I think the viral thing was LeBron confronting him. And then I backpedaled, I backtracked. And I was like, okay, why is LeBron mad at Stephen A. Smith?

I didn't know that it continued and that he addressed it. What did he say happened? Because wasn't there like a pretty clear lip read? He addressed it in multiple locations. So like he has a TV show, he talked about it, then he went on like Sean Hannity and he talked about it. Then he did a podcast about it. And it was very like, hey, I didn't want to address it, but like, I gotta talk about it. And everyone's like, no, you definitely weren't going to talk about it, then he did a podcast about it, and it was very like, hey, I didn't want to address it,

but I gotta talk about it. And everyone's like, no, you definitely weren't going to talk about it. This is borderline your wet dream is to be part of a LeBron story, and it's happening to you, so you almost have to talk about it. And it was the story of the week,

just LeBron talking to you was the biggest news in basketball that week. That's wild. So it was very, very excited to address it. And what did he say that it was something that people, was there anything more to the story other than like, LeBron said, LeBron told me off and I just sort of nodded and he left.

Yeah. Because that's what it looked like. Yeah, it was basically like, LeBron said like he was offended about how I like, came to me as a father not as an athlete and I understand that and I would do that to stick up for my own kids. But at the same time, I wish he did it this way or like he should have texted me. He could have texted me. He knows where I am. We're friends with the same people. So just like turned it to 10 news stories

instead of just one. So is there a world where we get a LeBron to yell at you or better yet a Marty? A Keekle. Yes, like for example, I went to Vegas last weekend and you know rock and bowling where it's like drinking and neon lights, but you're bowling?

No, but I guess I immediately understand it by you. Like a Saturday night out and it's like, yeah. It's like a fun bowling atmosphere. So there's a mini golf version of that in Vegas called swingers. People drink, you play mini golf, there's songs and a bar. Sounds cool.

So like imagine something wherein somebody catches me on video and one of the- Masturbating the swingers. Yeah, well no, not masturbating. I was gonna say like an 11 year old girl's taking a swing at me with her golf club. I see. And I have to sort of address the black eye in the room.

Yeah, like, well, maybe there's something to, yeah, I guess there is something to you getting beaten by any number of people, but then that's more of a pity party than a scancel. Like, it would actually be- I look bad, or I look good at the end, where it should be me swinging. Like I think it would be more along the lines of,

there's like, there's a bachelorette party at swingers and there's just like a video that's caught where you take your putter and you clip one of the girl's heels and she like eats shit and has to like get dental surgery. Yeah and it's like Amir did this like out of malice like what's going on you're sort of the villain but then maybe you tell your story and it turns out she like poisoned you earlier in the evening. Maybe she put poison in my ear like Romeo and Juliet style

Medieval game of Thrones Ian style of revenge or something precisely precisely exactly exactly But we can build to the controversy by you recording a few episodes without me and and we can be like, oh, Amir's sick. That's weird, he's never missed a podcast before. I wonder why. Then the video leaks, then I return, then I apologize. Oh, instead of sick, it's like Amir's taking some leave. Amir's taking some leave. And it's like, oh wow, is he going through a tragedy?

Is he in rehab? Honestly, I can almost just do the leave. Right, yeah. Like the leave is mysterious enough. Right, and let other people guess what it is. Yes, and then I come back and I just have a leaf. Like, it took me three weeks. Amir's taking some leaf and then.

People think I'm misspeaking, but it turns out you were actually, you were a gardener for two months because you wanted some real world experience. Did you ever do a senior project? Did we talk about this before? Did you ever have a senior project? No.

You didn't have anything like that? I had an internship. I had an internship for a comedy writer who worked for Golden Girls in the 90s. I would read scripts that she wrote. At my school we had something called senior semester or something like that where you like, the last month of the year, your senior year,

you could just not go to class at all and you would do an internship. And then at the end of the month you had to give a presentation about that internship or whatever you learned to do. And you did not have that? I did have an internship. Yeah, for the comedy writing lady.

I got in trouble. So I wasn't allowed to take my senior internship month thing. Like I think it was because I was abusing the privilege of seniors also got to leave school for lunch. Did you have that one? I don't think officially no, but we sort of could because they didn't seem to care that much. Yeah, so we could kind of leave school for lunch

and come back and I was like, well, if I could leave. Where would you go? I only live 10 minutes away, so I would often just go home for like an hour algebra was tough as shit I was gonna go home like a episode of arrested development on DVD and then go back I have fucking PE so let's keep it light ma but then like you know you could you had your lunch period and study hall, that's basically an hour and a half, two hours where you can be at home.

In the middle of the day, which is such a luxury. And if you had an ear infection, you could just stay at home. So I was just abusing that. I was just like, okay, they didn't think, I can leave during lunch, I can leave during study hall. Hell, I can leave some other times of the day. If I'm not that busy, I can just drive off and drive back. If I read ahead, I can skip English too. Like I've already had that book.

Yeah. Like I don't need to discuss it with y'all. I know what it meant. So they said since I was doing that a lot that I couldn't go on my senior internship thing, which I had lined up at a pretty cherry golf club it was like an animal rescue where I was just gonna had it lined up I had it lined up I'd gone I had driven around to different like dog pounds and I was like, gonna go and volunteer as just the guy that sat at the desk near the dogs. Which isn't really like a career path

that I was thinking about, but I was just like, this will be super easy, cause I won't have to do anything. And I'll just get to like play with dogs. You just have to hear dog spark a lot. But then they wouldn't let me go on that, my internship. So I lost that huge opportunity. Which is weird because the punishment is just saying

you can't do community service. It should be like, you have to do the internship more now. Totally. And then ultimately, since I was the only senior on campus, I just didn't have anything to do because I'd go to class and there was nobody else there. And the teachers didn't really want to do anything with me. So they sent me to like the, the study hall.

So I was basically just your school for a month. You were sort of breakfast clubbing it, but by yourself, you were having a Ferris Bueller's day on situation. You would walk around school doing the shake it up, baby. But all I wanted to do is just get out of town and euthanize some dogs. I mean, come on. Yeah, at the very least, hold a cat while you put it down. Will you really not let me do that?

Because I played hooky thrice. What does that have to do with the scancel, like cancellation slash scambling that you're gonna be caught in? I can't really remember at this point, but it was tied to something about senior year or maybe internships. Maybe being sick or being embroiled in something. Yeah, I guess ultimately I just,

I had the idea that one of us should be embroiled in something. Was it taking leave? We don't have to figure it out now. Oh yeah, so it was the taking, the leaf of absence. Taking leave. Yeah, yeah. Okay, something to think about. We wanted to write a March Madness,

Jake Hamir episode because it is March. That's right. So let's take a break, come back, and now that we have the teams set for March Madness, we can write a March Madness episode with great confidence. Sometimes we had to write these before the teams were set and just assume that Duke would be there. Yeah, but we didn't always know.

And now, I mean, especially with the 15 and 16 seeds, you get some fun names. So we had to do it with sure things, but not this year. Not this year, we were writing this live. We get to wait until after the play in games. Okay, cool. So let's take a break, come back and write a Jake and Amir March mattress,

either 10 or 11 at this point, I'm not sure. Wow, good for us. Thank you to Helix for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yahoo, thank you Helix. Jake, you sleep on a Helix mattress? Sure do, the best mattress out there. Is your sleep improved or? Everything about my life is improved.

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Do your body good, sleep better with Helix. Yeah. Thank you, Helix. Thanks. Thank you to Draft Kings for sponsoring this episode of our show. Right on. Jake, March is upon us.

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Okay. And we're back. Okay. We've done nine, nine March madness videos. So this is number 10. Yes. We'll do it live. This one is number 10 unofficially because we're not going to probably record it, but we can come up with some jokes. I mean, looking at the bracket, it's, it's a hard to yield this year. There's a bunch of funny names in here. We got our old favorite Gonzaga.

Go Zags. We got just a team named Troy, which is pretty funny. We got a team favorite Gonzaga. Mm-hmm, go Zags. We got just a team named Troy, which is pretty funny. It sounds like an 80s heartthrob as a team. Whoa, is this right? So like Kentucky is playing Troy.

McNeese, is that a real one? Yeah, McNeese. McNeese is a solid school playing Clemson. Wofford. Grand Canyon and Drake. I mean these are two already built in Jake and Amir references as teams in the tournament. Yeah, all right, let's fucking go for it.

First of all we have to figure out your entrance. That's the- Yes, I got a good one. Okay. So you're writing, and I think I've done this before, but I wanna cram it in here. I walk in wearing a wedding dress and I go, here come the pics, here come the pics. And you say, it definitely was not worth

getting that gown for that pun. And then you just sit down saying, hater. Yes, and then for the rest of it, I'm a gown. I also have a pitch for your entrance where I'm sitting at a desk and then we take basically like a crash test dummy wearing your clothes and curl it in from the side, smashes lifelessly onto the desk. I jump up, I'm like, oh my God. I'm taking your pulse. I start giving you mouth to mouth.

And then you. And I go, Marquette? What? Marquette. In the sweet 16. In the sweet 16. With a candlestick. Ever heard of it?

Let's just combine our two. So I'm doing that in a wedding gown. All right, perfect. Holy shit, I thought you were dead. And I go, I thought Auburn would be at Alabama State, but I guess we can't be right about everything. Well, that game hasn't happened yet, has it not? So I haven't been dead for that long.

How long were you out? I want to say a minute but it could have been a year. All right let's grab, let's get some fucking games going right? High point versus Purdue. I can you know make a marijuana cigarette joke. Oh that's pretty solid. You want to get high point? Don't mind if I purdo. So who do you have winning that game? What game? I'm fucking stoned out of my ass. You drag on the roach so hard that you swallow it. Oh fuck, fuck.

Ole Miss, Ole Miss, come on. I write down the Ole Miss. Drake versus Kendrick, or should I say Drake versus Missouri? They not like us, they not like us, they not like us. Yeah, I guess I have Missouri there. Really? I hope it's not a team of A-miners. It's not.

Yeah, that makes sense. I think Drake won the beef. I think Drake won the beef. The Omaha, Texas steak beef. You saw the fucking Superbowl. It was stilted. It was weak. Try to focus on the picks. You were dead a minute and a half ago.

That's true. That's true. New Mexico. Call me old fashioned. What's wrong with old Mexico? Nice. You have them winning their game or? I'll tell you what's wrong with old Mexico. They're not sending their best.

Oh, God. Right. I'm a MAGA Republican, of course. A wedding dress and a wedding dress and a MAGA hat is pretty, it's a pretty funny side by side. Maryland versus Grand Canyon. She is grand and she is canyon. She is grand and she is canyon. She is grand and she is land. Talking about Maryland. I have Maryland over the canyon.

That is grand in four. It's a single elimination bracket. Really? Yeah, and a team can't win in four. It's gotta be an odd. Nevermind. Just fill it out, stay alive and get the fuck outta here.

What's the buy in this year by the way? You pull out an insane wad of cash. I only have $71,000 Bob, but I have this small pouch of diamonds. Where have you been? Where the fuck have you been? And did you pull that out of your ass? It's in a balloon.

I pulled it out of my R-Cans ass. Actually, Cans ass is playing R-Cans ass. So that's pretty solid. That could be a separate joke. Okay. So Cans ass is playing R-Cans ass? Whose ass do you have in the final sass? The final what?

An assassin dives in and tries to shoot you. Whoa! Nicked my fucking ear. Donald style. Whoop, whoop, whoop. What about lipscomb? I start combing my lips. Holy shit, your lips are really hairy.

How do you have a mustache on the top and on the inside? I have periodontic hair. You're a walrus. Oregon versus liberty, liberty, liberty. Liberty. I have the ducks, Liberty, Liberty. I have the ducks. Yeah, great. So don't make a song about Liberty

if they're losing in the first round. Right? Of course, of course. What if you have, we got a prop and it's just a, how do you like the Ivy League? You hold up some, some like Ivy and then you rub it all over my face and say, I have Yale. I said that poison Ivy, you don't respect my humor at all. You really don't respect the institution. You don't respect Cornell. You definitely don't respect Brown pulling toilet paper out of my ass.

Cut to me just broken out in poison ivy all over my face. I can't fucking breathe. Yeah, I can't either. UCLA versus Utah State. I mean, that's a tough, tough 10-7. I mean, either way, Tennessee is going to take down the winner, but I want to try to get the perfect bracket here. VCU versus BYU.

I'm sorry. Why can't these schools just have normal ass names instead of these freaky acronyms like diamond state or Rye? You think Rye is a normal school name? Well, it's more normal than Alabama. Not really. Speaking of acronyms, I have Akron. He's him.

Straight to the elite too with ya. Acronym, Acronym. acronym, that's good. Sorry, how is Alabama a state playing Robert Morris a guy? Are we to assume one school is named after the whole fricking state and the other is named after a guy? Who do you think wins the game? You're not gonna be able to change the name of a college, so don't get hung up on that.

I have Alabama, of course. It's a real school. And a real state. And the other one is a guy. I feel like I won last year, but nobody gave me the money or something like that. Does that ring a bell? You,

all right. Last year, you submitted a blank bracket with a shit stain on it. You said I'm tired of this shit. You stapled a $100 pill onto it and said fax me if I win y'all. We haven't seen you for 365 days. You just got back and I don't think you do need the money because you do have $71,000 in a small bag of diamonds. I think I had Kentucky winning it all. I think so. I really do. Nope. You had a lot of shit winning it all. You had shit winning every single matchup. And where did that end up? It didn't end up. We played online, you didn't submit a bracket. The $100 was split equally among the 10 contestants. The playing online is really funny. Yeah, these brackets are online now, okay?

Stop bringing a pen, stop bringing the paper. Just tell me who to mail this to. Where do I mail this? How do I get it submitted so my ballot can be counted? What can Brown do for me? Trying to shart on this. Oh no. Anybody else here that I'm missing?

I think Vanderbilt is gonna be a man who wilts. St. Mary's ain't no man at all. So I think Vanderbilt's going to take it all. You karate chop me in the throat. The roach comes out. Thank you. You saved my life. How did you give me the Heimlich so quickly? Oh, do you know Troy? He's playing Kentucky. Do you know Troy? I went to fucking high school with that guy. I mean, he's good, but he's not like, I'm going to beat fucking Kentucky.

Good. Hell, maybe you can take Kentucky. I just don't know if he beats Illinois or Xavier in the next round. You know what I'm saying? Cause Troy is good. Actually, Troy's pretty great. I might put him in the elite four. You're performing, but there's nobody else here.

Just take a breath, relax. You can fill out the bracket. You don't have to wear a wedding dress. You don't have to die. Cut to you standing up performing harder. Whoa, Four, you're the only 10 I see. So I think you might lose to Tennessee. You're too hot to play, Wofford.

Whoa, Ford. We had an open mic getting booed. Okay, can you explain this to me? Houston versus S-I-U-E. There's no way that stands for anything. It stands for Southern Illinois University Edwardsville. That's your opinion. Okay.

That's your opinion, okay? And why don't you just engage with the banter instead of shooting everything down? And what, March 20th at 11 a.m. is when the game is? Think so. Okay, and TBS the channel that it's on or you can watch it on streaming. Have you noticed there's no new shows?

Shred $50. I'm serious, I can't even bitch. Okay, and it'll be like you play. I'm on Netflix every night and I every night. And I have decision fatigue. I'm rewatching orange, the new black for the 11th time. I really think orange is the new crack. I'm fucking addicted to it. By the way, explain this one.

Gonzaga, a team versus George, a guy. Georgia, Georgia. You could have said that about a lot of other matchups. Okay, okay, okay. Sorry, is there a matchup here where I would make a pun that would make you say it's all been worth it? Knowing you for 20 years has been a fucking roller coaster ride, but we got to the end and ultimately the destination was worth the squeeze.

I mean, probably not. Right. Probably not. Here we go. VCU versus PU. You stabbed me. This team stinks. It just needs a runner at this point.

Right. Right. Right. Right. Probably the story of what happened last bracket is the thing that goes through everything. Yeah, and we can tie that into how you ended up dead in the beginning of this one.

Like maybe- Right, exactly. We haven't seen you in a year because you had some food poisoning. Or maybe you stole the bracket prize pot and absconded with it and somebody hunted you down. You'd been pursued for the last 365 days. A guy runs in wearing a groom's tux, starts shooting at us.

That's good, that's good. Yeah, somebody, so you stole the prize pot of like 500 bucks. Somebody hired a bounty hunter who has been relentlessly pursuing you for a year. You've been living a life on the run. And you put it all on a perfect bracket, which would pay off two and a half trillion dollars to one because it's that difficult to get.

Last year somebody got close to it, right? I don't think so. They'd like taken it further, but like. Maybe like a perfect sweet 16 or something. Yeah, they'd like gone further than any other one had previously. Yeah, it's oddly for a simple tournament where there's clear favorites and stuff in the first round,

it's oddly nearly impossible to call like this many games. You'd have to literally call 63 coin flips in a row. Yeah, yeah. I filled out my for real bracket for the Headcombs tournament, did you? No, not yet. Do you have Yale versus UConn in the final four? I think I, not that far, but Yale does advance

and UConn takes it all. Yeah, that makes sense. Because I only vote, I only choose the teams that I want to see. And you know what? I think just choosing you can every single year has resulted in me winning a lot of brackets. Yeah. They did win like a year or two ago because when last year, their coach

and their players. Yeah. Well, this year, they're only an eight seed. So it might be kind of a big upset if they make it that far. That's totally possible. but we'll see. You have to believe. There's a lot of pressure because we're doing a $10,000 buy-in this year. Yeah, Hedgum is doing well.

Make sure that you're, yeah, make sure that you're choosing correctly. Because I think of our like 22 employees, the winner takes a quarter million dollars and Marty's matching it. Yeah. So it's like half a million. Right, that's pretty good. So I do want to win, but at the same time, I'm not gonna like do you. Like half a million is nice,

but I don't want to think about a world where Yale goes down to who are they? Yale loses to Texas A&M. Yeah. I mean, that's, that's what do they find out? What do they find out? The slipper still fits ultimately. And we should say we're doing the, the best Jake and Amir episode bracket right now at the same time on our YouTube. That's right. So instead of teams, it's 64 episodes going ahead to head. And by the time this comes out, we'll have our final four. No spoilers.

There's some, some very, some very strong matchups. I mean, that's a tough, There's some very strong matchups. I mean, that's a tough region. Yeah, we seeded every, the top 64 episodes of Jake and Amir into four regions, and we're finally down to the final four, the winners of each region, going up against one another for the honor, the crown to be called

the greatest Jake and Amir episode ever. Should we consider the one that we just wrote? Yeah, I wonder if March Madness 10 should just slide in over one almond or some shit. I don't hate that. It's there in pieces and it's there in the edit. We just gotta cut it right. I do like March Madness nine,

the last March Madness we made. I think that was the one where I'm recording, you're recording a podcast during it and or Gonzaga's joke where I say, Gonzaga, Gonzaga, here boy. Are you sure, I was that two years ago? Could be. Wow.

It was shot in that New York studio. Oh, so maybe it was last year. Maybe it was last March. March medicine. That's totally impossible. Here boy, here boy. Gonzaga, Gonzaga, here boy, here we go. God, it sounds like a dog's name, doesn't it?

Not really. I love the Amir character when you're like, you're banking on me latching onto something that you've prepared. It sounds like a dog's name. I need to say yes so you can do the impression, but instead I say no instantly and you power through. Shit, shit, shit, shit.

Yeah, it is the Gonzaga Gonzaga here, boy. Wow, and it was last year? Yeah. No, 2023, it's now been two years. So we could finally do the, it's been a year and nobody's seen you. Wow, has it been two years? Damn.

That was 2023. Okay, let's take another break. Come back and do one last seg. Yes. ["Assholes"] And we're back. One last segment as time permits. Speaking of long odds, one, two, three, 90.

41. Shit. One, two, three, 90. 41. Shit. One, two, three, 52. 22. One, two, three, 39. 18. It's fine.

We're not gonna break our record of three. We can tie it. Right. But we're not gonna die. But we tied it twice. Was there a big hubbub about that online? I was curious. I think I saw the number nine trending,

which is what we got it in, but I don't know if it was that or like the Supreme Court judge count or something like that. I didn't wanna read too much into it because then my head gets big and I'd start like feeling myself a little bit too much. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I redownload Raya and I start like feeling myself a little bit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I re-download Raya and I start swiping. I make my song a saying one, two, three, nine. Abhidhal finds out. I say I'm just using it for business connections and she says, what business? And I said, you really don't listen to me when I talk. I'm pretty much a side hustler and I'm looking for a side piece.

She says, yep, that's what your bio says. We should do a sequel to Tinder called Raya where you're desperately trying to get on Raya. You finally do. I mean, that's what lonely and horny is. It's a season of a sequel to Tinder. Yeah, but it really needs to be you. And it's when you find out you you're on Raya

and you're at your desk and you start crying tears of joy. Holy shit, man. Hi, say goodbye. Say goodbye. It's been nice knowing you, dude. You will never see me again. You shouldn't even be looking at me now. Look away.

Look away from me. Do not look me in the eye. Don't say why. Don't speak unless I'm talking to you. Don't say why. Say rye, as in rya? What? Don't speak unless I'm talking to you. You are talking to me. Don't look at me, I said.

What if they fucking ban me for talking to a non-Raya? Like, I can't even see with you. I don't know if they keep an eye on you. I hope they do. I hope I am being watched. Oh my god! This guy's a fucking DJ and they're letting me swipe You're swiping on guys. I'm swiping on everybody For the winter season Boys want to be me and girls want to be with me. I just got accepted by suing Raya for discrimination.

You're looking at someone who just got into the most exclusive crap in the world. And now we have to pick a song. Let's see. This is very, very important stuff. Oh, we have a meeting, uh, at noon. So you have a meeting that you have a meeting. I'll attend the meeting. If it's to brainstorm song ideas, my Raya song, it has to bump.

It has to own, but it should also bring a tear to your eye and some moisture between the thighs. Okay. Who sings Twinkle Twinkle if I want to go the ironic route? You're gonna put Twinkle Twinkle Little Star. Is that me, how I wonder who you are. Up above the riot guy, like a diamond on your eye. I guess I would just Google coolest songs of 2025. I guess I would just Google, like that's why you're never gonna be on the fucking app. Google it for me, bitch.

Google it for me. So you do want me to Google coolest song? Okay, Google, how do I put my friend to death? What? I need to put you down like the dog you are. There's no way I'm not going to die just because you got on this kind of exclusive dating app. Which yeah, it looks like it. I'm reading an article.

It says it used to be exclusive, but now they let everyone on. Yeah. If you pay the premium, 77.99, then you'll find how much are you paying? I'm paying that shit. It's called having your dad's credit card ass. 99, then you'll find how much are you paying? I'm paying jack shit. It's called having your dad's credit card ass. Oh, he's calling me. Hola Sammy. You call your dad by your first name?

Shows lack of respect, yeah. Please hit approve, please. I really fucking need Hi mom dad's threatening to deny my riot access. Thank you. Love you. Bye That all worked out. God, you're a fucking loser. Don't look at me. Don't fucking talk to me. You're not even on the fucking app.

Taking a selfie. Got a picture. Postscript is a woman, a gaggle of girls swiping publicly and comes up on Twinkle, Twinkle, little guy. Oh my God. I'm deleting this ad. Crying guy in the picture. No.

All right. Two episodes today. Wow. Double booked it. March Madness 10, the sequel to March Madness 9 and Raya the Sequel. No! Alright, two episodes today. Wow, double booked it. March Madness 10, the sequel to March Madness 9, and Raya, the sequel to Tinder. Tinder, by the way, potentially still alive in our best episode.

That's true, that's quite true. But the people will have to decide. Okay, alright, that's enough. I'm out of creative juices. I'm gonna go... I wanna say snort Adderall. Womp womp. Huh? I'm addicted to performance enhancing drugs. So. It's awesome.

Yeah, we'll see. So waiting for them to actually enhance your performance. Yeah, I think the guy sold me fucking sweetener. The only thing that's happened is that I've gained 11 pounds. Jesus Christ. Snorting sweeteners. can't get high worth shit. All right, thank you for listening.

Thank you for checking out the bracket on our YouTube and on our Patreon. And for more of that, you can go to patreon.com slash J.A. Exactly. And don't forget to check out the Ambies. I believe they're hosted by our good pal, Headgum podcaster, Tig Notaro this year, is that correct? Holy smokes, yes, I totally forgot.

The Ambies are coming on March 31st. It's a podcast award show hosted like you said by Headgum podcaster Tig Notaro. You can get more information at ambies.com. I feel like we might, I don't wanna say win a few awards, but it's in play that will at the very least be in the in memoriam. Yeah, I feel like there's some head-gum

like representation in there. And I don't know if they do like for you and I, maybe some type of lifetime achievement award a war like yeah because we've been at it for a minute kind of curious have been really in blazers oh yeah I see changed the game I read it says Ira glass to be honored with the governor's award. I are a glass. He's an ass. That's not my name. That should be me. I used to have glasses. God damn it. You do kind of look like him. This is the first I'm hearing about this. All right. Shout out to the Ambies. Shout out to you guys and we'll be back next week. Yes. Bye. Bye. That was a Hidgum original.

Right. That was a Hidgum Original. All right. Let's talk about the Ambies. Yes, please. The Ambies is the only major podcast award put on by a nonprofit organization made up of podcast professionals. Gorgeous. And it's hosted by none other than Tig Notaro this year.

I love that. Previous hosts include Trixie Mattel, Larry Wilmore, Nikki Boyer, and Ross Matthews. If you want to participate, you can become a member of the podcast academy and all TPA members vote for the 2025 Ambies winners. Holy shit. And the winners might think the academy

and they'd be thanking you. Exactly right. We're gonna put links in our show notes here to attend the show. You can RSVP and just learn more about the Ambies at ambies.com slash the show. Boom. Again, that's March 31st, 2025 at the Hyatt Regency McCormick place in Chicago hosted by Tig Notaro. Yeah. Check them out.