If I Were You - 72: Scandalous Cancel

Episode Date: March 31, 2025

In this episode, we discuss White Lotus, drugs, and getting on the same wavelength.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Each app different from the last Sgt. It's the Swiss Army knife of shows Now let's Hey bud, last week we discussed ad infinitum, I would say. Potentially ad nauseum, though I never got sick to my stomach discussing it different ways for you to scandalize and cancelize yourself. Have you taken any step towards that some sort of controversy you can embroil yourself within in order to... Oh yes, we were talking about me getting scanceled. Issue a Mia Culpa, yes, exactly. Something that I would have to publicly apologize for, that you would have to disavow,

that you'd have to distance yourself from. Did that come to fruition at all? So I thought it'd be kind of interesting to try to shove someone in front of the subway. And I thought that would maybe be a good way to do it, like an attempted murder. Yeah. Okay, yeah.

So this is what I'm talking about. I got the footage and it looked like you did a full running start into, looks like a teenage girl listening to her iPhone, like wearing a backpack. But based on the footage I'm seeing, yeah. Did you slip early? Cause you didn't move her at all.

I think it was just like, I didn't get the push off that I needed off the back foot. And I have a really weak neck. So I just crumbled on the back. You do have a thin neck. Yeah, it looked like a lot of people have been saying that. She turned around like someone

like accidentally coughed behind her, but by that point you were already writhing on the ground in pain. I was crying, I was screaming for the police. I was being, I was kerning myself. You asked to talk to her manager. She didn't notice that you hit her. You, I think broke her, at least tweaked your neck

pretty bad. It looks like you're twitching. I chipped a tooth on the subway floor. And you're doing the fencing hands position, which I think is from a concussion. On guard? They say that like quarterbacks get that. Yeah, they do like a fencing hand when they completely

lose motor ability within their extremities. And it looks like you are severely concussed, but you're laughing, you're crying. This didn't go well. Yeah. And, but the worst part was that I haven't, no one's really, you haven't released the footage, so I haven't been scancelled by it.

Yeah, no, I haven't. I have it. I have it as like some sort of blackmail situation, just in case anything should arise. If you ever catch me doing something nefarious, now I have this as like some sort of blackmail situation just in case anything should arise. If you ever catch me doing something nefarious, now I have this on you. Release the transcripts, you know what I'm saying?

Yes. Yeah. We are opsec. Exactly. Okay, so if the scandal is canceled, this isn't gonna happen, Can I recommend something else? Sure. I remember like years ago, you were into wine.

And then- Oh, that's right. You were like sort of into beer. That was a pandemic. You occasionally have- Beer before the wine. Yeah, I was into- Beer before wine.

Right, I got into wine during the pandemic. Sometimes dad grass. When I was doing cooking, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, cooking, weed. And then like back in LA, you would smoke a cigarette a day. I feel like you were dipping your toes in some sort of drug or alcohol addiction, but then you swerved the other way.

At one point you became kind of, I mean, I don't wanna say the S word, but it seemed like you like chose sobriety over. The borderline sober. What is it when I'm like, mostly sober, but not because I have a problem. You know, sometimes you hear like somebody says I'm sober and that kind of implies that there was-

They hit rock bottom. There was an issue. An inciting incident. They have to be sober. I'm not, that wasn't me, but I am mostly sober. Like I don't like drinking, but I'll drink to celebrate something. If somebody has a cocktail and they say it's really good,

I'll take a sip. Oh, I'm bober, like it's boring and sober. Like loosen up, lighten up, try to see if like, you can develop some sort of pill issue or even like a weed issue. So you want me to work the other way. I basically got kind of healthy in my lifestyle. I want you to lean out.

Yeah, I want you to try, I don't know, opioids or Oxycontin or like they give you like a pain relief and you like get addicted to that. Yeah, I mean, that's a huge problem. Yes. Are you too afraid to like, because you used to like drugs. So I don't know where one thing sort of blended

into the other, if it was a come to Jesus moment or a having a daughter moment that forced you on this healthier path. Yeah. But there should be a world where you can balance both the drugs plus the parenthood. I don't think I could balance, I mean, drugs and parenthood definitely would not go together.

Though I guess Gemma sleeps through the night now. So like the idea of having like, you know, the Coke shakes and like trying to rock her to sleep. That like, that wouldn't really happen anymore because she would be out. Yeah. I don't know. I wouldn't say there's something there

because I think there's nothing there, but I do. I wonder if you could try MDMA or something. Yeah, I haven't done. After she goes to bed. I haven't done MDMA. And you have snort at all or try ecstasy or something. I haven't done MDMA in years. Right? I remember being on MDMA in New York with Jeff

and we were like, maybe we were doing Coke too and we were drunk, we were like on Molly. And then I also, because I had like a toothache, I had some Ora gel. Oh, interesting. Which kind of just like numbs your gums and tastes really weird. So we were also doing that.

But you were in your 20s? What age were you? Yeah, I was in my 20s. We just wanted to feel different in every way possible. So we're drunk, we're on Molly, and then I also have orogel. And we're like, do you wanna try some of this orogel? It makes your gum feel weird.

It's like, all right, sure. I'm down to try a canker sore treatment. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm- Do you want to have some pretty raw steak and just see if it gives us a tummy ache? I'm addicted to waking up and not feeling groggy.

That's like my gold standard. You're trying to optimize sleep or something. Yeah, well, no, I'm trying to optimize the day. Cause I sleep, I'm never really concerned about my sleep. I just always sleep fine. So I'm optimizing like, how do I, I'm eliminating brain fog. That's my biggest, that's my biggest fucking enemy.

The brain fog, the low energy. Is it fog or is it like ennui where you're like, you don't feel motivated or you're like, just like, uh, I don't know what I should be doing. Like I'm confused. Um, I think it's, I mean, I guess I think it's more of brain when I'm, when I'm hung over, it's more brain fog. It's like, I just can't, there's no clarity. There's no energy. I have no virality. Yeah, where you don't have like, okay, this is my mission.

I'm gonna accomplish it today with vigor. Yeah, I gotta move down the street. I gotta do this. I always think about having just taken a shower, wearing a crisp white t-shirt. Like sneakers and I, like, you don't just step off a curb to walk across the street, but you actually kind of jump off

and you jaunt across the curb and down onto the subway. That's what I like. Tweak an ankle, but it doesn't hurt that much. Tweak an ankle, try to push a tween. It's starting to rain, but like, you don't know if you should go full umbrella yet. But I think about that half jog across the street a lot. Like that's the energy that I want in my life all the time.

During the day or even at night or a little bit of both or it doesn't matter. I think during the day, nighttime is about unwinding, but I'd like to go home with a skip at my step, walk in, help with dinner, wash the baby. A joie de vivre, a sort of lust for life. You wanna be enticed to go somewhere where you can't fucking handle it. You want the exciting energy to force, propel yourself forward at a rate that's faster than walking,

when your body's into it. He's like, yeah, I can handle it and I want that. So you get it, but you still want me to be addicted to opioids, you said. I want you to have a suicide Sunday. So where instead of having that jaunt in your step, you're having the Kaiser Soze limp, the sort of the slow foggy, you're almost dragging your feet. They can't even lift the ground. Yeah, I do also remember the first time

that I had that like Molly come down and I was at the IAC building the day after like Governor's Ball maybe or some kind of party and I had done Molly and the next day I like didn't really realize how much what it felt like to have your serotonin completely gone and I was eating a meatball sub and then I went to Grand Central Station because I was like I think I just have to go home to my mom this weekend. I think I need my family.

And I- Not even this meatball is making me happy anymore. Well, it really wasn't because I got to Grand Central and then I had to throw up. So throw, like that's a real low point. When you're, you puke surrounded by people in Grand Central Station. You just don't want to be there.

Better than Port Authority. Which I've also thrown up there. Which I have also thrown up there. Yeah, yeah, I've thrown up at Penn Station. Yeah, Penn Station is slightly above Port Authority because it's a train terminal versus just a bus depot. Right, I don't think I've ever thrown up at Port Authority at least.

Yeah. But Grand Central, it's almost classy. That's like where Don Draper fucking gets on. Right, right near the oyster bar. Yeah. What's your rock bottom? Has there ever been a time where you're like, I have got to get my shit together?

Cause you did drugs. That's way, that's way too personal. I actually did Molly. We talked about it last episode, how we did Molly. Actually, you ate the meatball, Sav. Yeah, before I left for LA, it seemed like everybody was constantly taking these pills, the ecstasy pills.

So I did try to, just to see what all the hubbub was about. I'm always scared of drugs that you have to snort. Like I've never snorted anything. And I don't even like smoking things because it like interrupts my, like, it like scratches my throat. So my barrier to drugs is like, it really just needs to be something

that I can eat or swallow. Like I want to be able to take it like it's like, it's a food or a pill that I've taken before. Yeah. And you can sip some Molly water. That's not an issue. No, yeah, you can sip the water. I put some in the celery juice.

Honestly, if Tylenol required me to snort it, I would just live with a headache for the rest of my life. That's never fair. I'm so afraid slash just disinterested in the idea of like having something go up my nose. So I'm not against the idea of drugs as long as it's fun and recreational, but I probably haven't taken anything since like a bachelor party pre pandemic. We were trying mushrooms to see if I'm like, you can get a hallucinated a little bit at Joshua tree. Yeah. Yeah. Mushrooms really basically don't count as a drug to me.

Why? I'm not interested in them, but I mean, I don't know. The, it just, it seems so, it's basically, it's just weed, right? It's just like taking an edible. But it's more like visually hallucinogenic, I think, than weed, which is like kind of like mentally altering. Mm-hmm.

Yeah. I, the few times that I've done mushrooms, I did not have a good experience. I think any drug would be a good experience. like mentally altering. Yeah. The few times that I've done mushrooms, I did not have a good experience. I think any drug where you're like, where you, like to me, Molly and cocaine is just guaranteed good time.

I know how I'll feel every time. And when I was taking mushrooms, maybe it's different now with these modern mushrooms. But before when I was taking mushrooms, we're like, all right, well be careful. You don't wanna have a bad trip. Like I, if that's an option, then I don't even wanna, I don't even wanna try, cause it could go bad.

Well, now it seems like the bad trip is that these things are laced with fentanyl and you could potentially just instantly die. So it doesn't seem completely worth it to try this other stuff now too. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't dare do the Coke now, but the kids have the testing strips and stuff like that. Oh wow, do you know any 20 somethings

that are out and about still? Yeah, I know people that still do drugs and they're quote unquote responsible with the, they have the Narcan, they have the testing strips. Geez, like if you take it seriously then you should not do drugs. Yeah. Like the whole point is that you might die.

It's still not good. Do you see the last White Lotus episode where they take some sort of pill and party down and the guy's like, no, I'm not, I don't take any pills like that, I just drink. And then he ends up taking it and, you know. Yeah, yeah. One thing led to another. And that thing led to his brother.

Have you ever done something like that with Micah where you kind of like hook up with each other or like get on with the, get each other off in a way or is it like not that kind of like hook up with each other or like get on with the get each other off in a way or is it like not that kind of like. Yeah, it's not that kind of family. Nice to know. Or you not into incest. Yeah, were you disturbed by that

in a fun entertaining way or were you like this kind of jumped the shark for me? Cause I've seen both reactions online. I was just, I was, I thought it was fun and entertaining. I think if they had done basically the kiss and spoilers, I guess kiss and hand job, I think is the perfect level of like, you can be like, Oh my God, that's so weird.

If it was anything more than that, you would be like, yeah, like they were like hooked up. Right. This is just Game of Thrones or something fucking bizarre. Like I don't know that this happened, but it seemed like something Jeff and Dave would have done when they were kids. It was definitely Rosenberg coded.

I saw some people on Twitter, maybe Reddit referred to it as a bro job, which is pretty good. Right. That's really good. And I think that's been around actually. Like there, I know that there were groups of kids in my like high school that the guys would like, you know, that this, the circle jerks that you used to, these actually used to be things. Yeah. the circle jerks that you used to, these actually used to be things. So I think, I don't find it as like abhorrent. I'm like, this is, it's almost to me, it seems like really, really, it's just like weird and immature, not like a crime against God.

But it definitely is Mike White trying to be like, all right, you think like so far it's been like kind of tame, like yeah, homosexuality is no longer taboo. What about if this happened? Yeah. Jesus Christ. Yeah, it's definitely a little disturbing, but I think it's more like- He's pushing the envelope.

Yeah, maybe so. I mean, I'm glad that he's doing it because the rest of the character, like that show, I feel like I've seen the two older guys, Walton Goggins and the other dad, who are both great actors. They've just been doing kind of the exact same thing

for the entire show so far. Right, you're in trouble, you're trying to get somewhere. You're stewing, and I have no idea what it's about. And they won't talk about it to anybody and I'm just like something is happening but we're on episode six so I'd like to see progress. Right. So I'm happy I think that the Schwarzenegger kid got a hand job like all right this plot this one's moving forward. I'd like to imagine Arnold asked like seeing that for the first time, calling his son after can't really do a good Arnold, but that would be a good impression of Arnold Schwarzenegger calling his son, asking him what the hell happened in the last episode of White Lotus. Yeah, it's really good. He's amazing in that show, too.

Yeah, you know, he's been like dating the same lady for like 10 years. Like he's not like a Rob Lowe style party animal like nepo baby. It seems like he's like, is like a Schwartz nigger that he works out a lot, but he's like also kind of like a homebody and it's like kind of been with this one partner since he was 21 years old. Yeah, I think Jill showed me like an Instagram video of him finding out that he got the part or something and he's like crying. It's so funny because he's like sitting next to Maria Schreiber and you're like, you're golden, you're fine. Don't need this role, but I guess it's nice that you have a life beyond just your fame. It's nice that he's happy. It's good that he's been working out every day for 30 years. It's, it probably helped him get this role. I also heard that it took him seven months to shoot this season.

Wow. They were in Thailand for seven months. That's fucking that's, I mean, I guess it makes sense. The production value is just insane. It looks incredible. Yeah. And also like, how do you even shoot that? Like some of the stuff is like, did you hire a thousand extras to shoot?

Like a Bangkok party scene or like how did you get this stuff? Yeah, it's funny that Hollywood is mostly dead But then in certain little pockets, it's absolutely kicking ass Two shows have the entire budget of the whole industry, right? Everybody else has to shoot reality style in Hungary It's the 1% that it's happening now in Hollywood. None of our friends have jobs. There's no middle class. No, yeah. But Mike White gets a fucking blank check.

For sure. And honestly, I'm okay with it. Like, yeah, my friends could fucking drive Uber for all I care. I need a new season of White Lotus, and it needs to have carte blanche access. He needs to be able to do whatever he wants, whenever he wants in the nicest hotels in the world.

The three ladies, Leslie Bibb, is it Michelle Monaghan? Is that, and then Kerry, not, it's something. Kerry Kuhn? Kerry Kuhn, yeah. I think they're my favorite three people. It's incredible. They're doing such a good job. Because they're so similar and yet so,

like when it's just the three of them, they're so different. But like in the grand scheme of life, they're like, they're almost the same character. Totally. And they're like so toxic, but at the same time, so normal. You're like, oh yeah. People like, this really is how friends are. That like two of them will splinter off and talk shit

that's like that's what friends love to do yeah i'm like i'm not mad at you just like i didn't know you're an open relationship what it's funny it's just so funny that you told me to hook up with them and now you're like cheating on your husband or whatever. That's silly to me. Why are you mad? We're having fun. Yeah, that's great. Do you think we'll meet that one lady's younger husband, like the actor that's only available

via phone? I think that's interesting. Maybe that's who comes up and shoots up the place. He, she hooked up with somebody else. So he starts indiscriminately shooting everybody. Do you have any theories on what the, what the shots are? No, I mean, there's a lot of like gun things arising, like the hotel workers and robberies. So like, there are things that are like getting close to that idea slash resolution, but I

don't know exactly who it'll be or why. Try not to guess. Mike White always keeps us guessing. And the second you think something, he'll do something like Jennifer Coolidge shooting 30 people and then falling off a boat and dying. That was so good. It's also, he's also so good at like, it's hard to create like four good characters,

let alone 15, three times over the course of like four years. Like he's created like 50 kind of similar, pretty different characters, like since the pandemic started. Like where does he come up with these people? Yeah, yeah. It's very, like the mom is sort of Jennifer Coolidgey, but in her own different, completely different, separate character.

And it's kind of, it's like true to life to me, because like there are so many moms that are like that. So like, she doesn't have to take a wild swing and do a totally different lady. It's just like, okay, no, there's, all of these ladies, they're shopping at the same places, they're getting the same pills, having the same surgeries. But like, how does he know?

He's just like a single 50 year old white guy. Like, how does he know? It's like he knows with like great certainty, these friend groups, these families, like rich families. I mean, North Carolina. He's been rich in Hollywood for a long time. I think he's seen all of it. Have you seen that show that he'd enchanted or something?

What's it called? The show he did right before White Lotus. Let me see what it's called. Enlightened. Enlightened, no. Yeah, I guess it's also a really good show. He did it in like 2011. Interesting, can't go back that far.

Doesn't hold up. Nothing does. I guess it's also a really good show. He did it in like 2011. Interesting. Can't go back that far. God. Doesn't hold up. Nothing does. I watched the first season of White Lotus again. Doesn't hold up. That's a good tweet. Or blue sky, I should say. I remember thinking of a joke about, remember Nanette, that like popular Hannah Gatsby.

Oh yeah. Hannah Gatsby, it was like a comedy special, but like very serious. The one woman show. Yeah. So I thought of a joke. It's like, I just, I couldn't handle it. Like I had to watch Nanette again this weekend.

Doesn't hold up, but I felt too bad tweeting something negative about it. Not that I actually didn't like it. I just thought it was a funny joke. Anyway, I finally ended up tweeting it. Nobody really cared. So I guess that just goes to show you. It doesn't matter.

You did, you did. Okay. Yes, I did tweet it. Nobody cared. Nobody cared. Doesn't hold up. Let's see if it's still up. No idea.

Uh, okay. Let's take a break, come back and start talking about real shit. Not just drugs and a white Lotus recap. Right. Thank you to Huel for sponsoring this episode of our show. Yes. Thank you. Huel.

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Yes. A podcast about segments. I found the tweet. Oh, and? July 28th, 2018. Wow. Just watched Nanette for a second time this week. Doesn't hold up. No responses, three retweets and 60 likes.

So, yeah. I was kind of trying to be an edge lord that day and nobody seemed to care. Do you realize how sad it is to try to get canceled, but like you're not, you're just not big enough of a deal. Not worth it. Yeah. And bigger fish to fry.

Okay, so we play Wavelength, that game where I'm trying to send to you a number one through 10, but instead of just using telepathy, which we've been trying to do for so long. Actually, let's do one through a hundred since that's our gimmick now. Sure.

I'll think of a number one through 100 and instead of you trying to guess it, you're gonna give me a category and I'll give you an answer. Like let's say my number is 21 and you say movie. I'm gonna try to give you a movie that's a 21 out of 100. So shitty. So I'll say, yeah, I'll say like Jack

with Robin Williams or something. And then you have to guess what I think on 21 out of 100 movie. Right. Okay. So tell me if you, when you have the number. Okay. I'm going to think of a number. Actually, I'll have it randomly generated. So I don't just choose one or a hundred random number generator.

Okay. One through a hundred. And then don't listen while I tell the audience what that number is. Okay. Wait, one through a hundred. Um, and then don't listen while I tell the audience what that number is. Okay. Wait, I could wait. You can mute yourself, mute yourself. Okay. I'll mute myself.

So Jake can't hear me and I'll shut my ass. Okay. Okay. All right. I've muted myself. The number is 84. 84. All right.

Unmuting myself now. Hey, I said some pretty nasty things about you. Really? But I also said what the number is. Okay, great. So give me a few categories. Let's go basketball stars. Stars?

Uh, I'll say. Or we say basketball players. Okay. This number out of a hundred, I don't know how well you know, but I'll try to get really, really granular. I'll say, gosh, you really stumped me. This is the perfect fucking clue. James Harden. James Harden.

So good, but controversial. 84. Let's keep on going. What? Okay. Usually you save your guess to the end, but okay. But I'm just kind of putting, that's where my head is at.

I think. Yeah. All right. Let's talk about. All right. Let's say breakfast. Okay. Like an item from a breakfast menu.

There's like a whole, you know, like what are you eating? This is if a one is like an old kind bar. Yeah, we don't want that. Okay. A breakfast sandwich with home fries on the side. Wow. I mean, we are absolutely in the 80s here. I think we're gonna have to be in the 80s here.

Okay. Okay. Blocks, neighborhoods in New York City. Green point. We shouldn't say blocks above 14th Street, because then you can't get the actual number. 28th and third. 28 divided by three, no, I'll say green point.

Green point, so pretty goaded, but not that great for mass transit. Again, with an 88-ish. Okay. Last one here. It's the last one? Yeah. Okay. Adam Sandler movies. Let's say Let's say, Big Daddy. Okay, not a classic, but really one of this good, I think it's 88. The answer, which you spiked instantly, but moved from was 84.

No shit, wow. Yeah, I was like 84, and then I said James Harden, you're like, all right, 84, but I'll keep guessing. Wow, the perfect basketball player. Holy shit. 84. Yeah, wow. All right, should I go?

Okay, but try not to get 84 this time. That was, I'm not gonna use this because it's just too, well, maybe I should. Maybe I should. Well, now you can't use it because it's obviously either really close or really extreme in some way So you have to do another one. I got one. Yeah, you should have done it now. We'll never know

Okay Okay. Oh, right. I have to say what the numbers Yeah, you have to mute yourself and say it the number that I'm gonna make this little fucking chipmunk Try to guess this loser ass Beotch is 12. Okay. Yep. I said some really nice things. Oh, that's nice. Thank you. Okay. I'm going to say, uh, a weekend vacation destination weekend vacation destination. Weekend vacation destination. Um, okay. Okay.

Atlantic city. Wow. Pretty fun. And you know I like gambling, so that's like not bad, but it's no Vegas. It's kind of grimy in a fun way. So it's like, uh, I'm in the 50 to 70 range right now. Okay. A Thanksgiving side dish.

Okay. Thanksgiving. Per styrofoam. It has to be, yeah, at Thanksgiving. Yeah, a Thanksgiving side dish. All right. Canned cranberry sauce and the can. But the can is old.

It's from Vietnam. Old dusty can, yeah. So you don't like this at all. I mean, that sounds worse than Atlantic City. So I'm gonna go down to the 30s to 50 at this point. I have a celebrity crush on this person. Pete Hegseth. Jesus.

It was just getting worse and worse. Although he is kinda handsome. He's just not a good guy. You wouldn't expect it from him. I mean, dare I say 15 to 30 at this point? Okay. Give me one last one. This is, um, a basketball team, a basketball team, no college or pro.

Okay. Um, basketball team, College or pro. Okay. Basketball team, college or pro. I mean, I don't really know anything about basketball. I literally don't know. Which is really. Let me, I have to look up the standings. Okay. Because I think that will help a lot. Okay. Okay. Cause I think that will help a lot.

Okay. Okay. Um, yeah. The, the wizards. Wow. The worst team in basketball. I mean, it started off as pretty fun. Atlantic city got the cranberry sauce.

Not my favorite, but obviously not great at an old can, a crush on beat eggs. Yeah. I mean, I feel like I'm losing a game of mash at this point. And the Washington wizards, did you stay at one? Is that what you did? You said one, you didn't change it. I didn't say it one. I regenerated and it was okay.

Nine. Close. Very close. 12. Oh, 12 out of 100. So actually technically closer than me. Yeah, what happened? What's wrong with Atlantic City? You know, I was gonna say just a random bad city

that wasn't really a vacation destination. So I was like, well, I have to- You should have said like Newark. But like that's, you said a weekend vacation. Like you don't take a vacation there. So like that's, you said a weekend vacation. Like you don't take a vacation there. So I was like, what's a bad place that I would hate to go on vacation?

And at least Atlantic City is kind of a vacation destination. It's just not for me. But if I said Newark, then- That would have hit me in the 12s. I feel like you might be like, that's not a vacation. Yeah. Nobody goes to Newark. I got caught up in the Newark.

Yeah. Okay, let me try one more. Okay. And remember, if your guts is 84, like it's okay to stay there. I should just lock it in. You could just lock it in if you wanted. Okay, random number generator, one through a hundred. Random number generator, one through a hundred.

Okay, ready? Muting myself. random number generator, one through 100. Okay, ready? Muting myself. The number is 68. That's 69 minus one. All right, we're back. Okay. 90s TV sitcom. Correct.

Oh, a sitcom. 90s TV sitcom. Correct. Oh, a sitcom. 90s TV sitcom? Mm-hmm. Let's say, Suddenly Susan. Whoa. Suddenly Susan. Not something I really know anything about.

So I'm gonna imagine that it's right down in the middle. 50. Yeah. Should I lock that in? We'll start there. Should I'm going to imagine that it's right down in the middle, 50. Yeah. Should I lock that in? We'll start there. Should I lock it in? It's a little too early. It's a little too early. People we know. Like how they are as humans. Like attractiveness, personality, sort of all the above. Or maybe like how close we are, you know, like. Oh, how close you are to this person? Right, right. Oh yeah, that's a good idea.

So, all right, so how, yeah, how close. You and me are two different people. Right, so mutual friends, we'd have to say. So this is a person who's equally this far away from me and you? No, this is a, like, you know, somebody like my brother, me, that would be a hundred. Somebody like, somebody like

Jeffrey James would be a three, et cetera, et cetera. Three out of a hundred? Yeah. You're really close to Jeff. You sort of talked to him at least weekly or something. Okay, yeah. Like three is like somebody you worked with once 30 years ago. There's too much nuance here.

We shouldn't do it. Yeah. Let's say European countries. Okay. Belgium. Belgium. Again, right down the middle. Not anything wrong with it. It's fine. We went there once on a train stop.

When we traveled from Amsterdam to England, we were in Bruges. We kissed. Okay, we're still right in the right in that middle. Um, A list leading men, uh, leading men. Let's go with Jeremy Renner. Jeremy Renner. I like them. Other people don't. The Belgium of men.

Wow, we really are shooting straight. Okay. Bagel, no, no, no. Because there's only two. two. Mm-hmm. Um, canned drinks, canned drinks. Ginger ale. So middle road, 54. 68.

Really? I should have remembered you like ginger ale. Kind of above average. Yeah, you like ginger ale. Ginger ale's pretty good. Yeah. I'm not saying tomato juice or something like that. Right, right, right, right, right.

There you go, all right. And you did say you kinda like Renner. I know, and you kinda like Ginger Ale. I should have upped it. Yeah. When you said Renner, I was like, that's closer to 62, bud. But I committed to my initial gut 50.

All right, lightning round. Choose one last one. I'm gonna fucking spike it. I know I will. Okay. Let me randomly generate this numero. Okay. You have to fucking mute yourself.

Last time I heard the answer, I felt bad, but I really heard it. Wow. All right. This little cheater. Holy shit. Who I love so fucking much. This guy's such a little sweetheart.

He's the best. He's my best friend. He's the coolest guy in the world. The number is 74. My God, he's still talking. Okay. All right, we're back. I said some really nice things. Yeah.

Can't wait to listen to this episode and hear the fucking vitriol. Day of the year. Day of the year. Day of the year. Wow. September, no. No. I think April 2nd.

Not bad. Spring is right around the corner. It's hard not to guess 78, but let me just take a beat and think a little harder. LGBTQ, choose one of those. Choose one of those. As a number? As a number?

As a numeral. Okay. Car, To rent. For a weekend. Rental. A rental. For a weekend? Get sentimental in a rental.

Perhaps a Lincoln Continental. I mean, I guess a, I think a RAV4. You like this fucking thing. You really, really like it. I'm into 80s quite frankly. Let's go food to eat at a baseball game. Food to eat at a baseball game. Nachos. Nachos with the pumped cheese. Pretty good. I'm just gonna go for it and say 89. You don't wanna guess one more.

Give me one more. Give me one more. Cause you're not close. Not close? With 89. You like all these things. It's no hot dog, is it bud? It's no four runner, right? No, that's why I said 89.

It's a round four. Yes it bud? It's a four-runner, right? No, that's what I said, 89. It's a round four. Yes, B plus across the board. The cheese gets all over the place with the nachos. April 2nd, spring is sprung. Yeah, but it's not May. That's why I didn't say 95. Come on, give me one more question. Year between 1900 and 2000, and it should be 19 and then the answer. 19, shout out to the smashing pumpkins, 1974. I'm gonna go say 74. 74, nailed it. Yeah. You nailed it.

It was too low, quite frankly. You like April 2nd, you like the RAV4. These are 74 as a C. That's borderline Belgium, fucking Jeremy Renner status at that point. You honestly sent me out to fail. I don't like a RAV4 that much. I would be mad.

I think you're projecting here. You're projecting. I had a RAV4 and I traded it in for a 4Runner. I do not like a RAV4. I traded it in for a 4Runner. I do not like a RAV4. I think it's a fine weekend car. And I think nachos are a weird thing to get at a baseball game. Just get a hot dog, chief, all right?

Are you yelling at the guy in front of you in line? Yeah, just for my side. Tripping ketchup. There's onions all over your shirt. And don't call me chief. Super offensive. I'm out of ore gel. I'm high.

You know that I'm high at this Staten Island Yankee game. Okay, that's our time. Two segments, little loosey goosey, but what are you gonna do? True. You never know what's gonna happen on segments, that's why it's called that. I should say, I wanna shout out the goat,

Stoney, AKA Steph Comedy, returned this week with a Jake and Amir remix after a 10 year hiatus. If you go to Steph Comedy on YouTube, he released yet another bangeranger perhaps his best one yet about all the moments in jay kumir history in which I was crying He made a song called cry and re-released it on fucking YouTube with no it's I didn't even know that this was happening no preamble. No, there's no by the way I'm working on this and he didn't even know that this was happening. No preamble. No, there's no, by the way, I'm working on this. And he didn't even tell us.

He just fucking posted on YouTube. I'm like, what is this? Yeah, exactly. So the caption found the old password. Oh, found my password, yeah. I'm like, how did you do this? Why did you do this? Like Stoney is kind of, you know, he's a successful guy at this point.

He's in movies and TV shows. So I don't even know why he's still making remix remixes to Jake and Amir videos, potentially backed by our best Jake and Amir bracket, which is also going on just finished so you can watch. See which episode of the top 64 of all time one best episode ever both of those are on YouTube so check those out hell yeah and a lot of it is also on our patreon which is still going patreon.com slash J a right to see half of the bracket there as well good good good and as for

us we'll be back next week. Of course, as always, ciao for now, see you soon, and nachos are fine to have. Yeah, 74 fine. Bye! That was a Hidgum Original. Hey, I'm Wayne Brady. And I'm Jonathan Mangum. And we're two big improv nerds who get a chance to play and make stuff up on shows

like Whose Line Is It Anyway or Let's Make a Deal. And we're now hosting a new improvise show called What If on the Head Gum Podcast Network. And on What If, we believe that improvisation is a conversation. So we get to have conversations with guests from the worlds of TV, film, tech, and literature. Guests like Bobby Moynihan, Aisha Tyler, LeVar Burton, and Adam Conover. We ask them the big, ridiculous questions like, What if you heard a monkey's feelings? What if your grandma was a secret agent?

What if Jonathan was invited to the cookout? I'm not. And then we turn the conversation into spontaneous scenes, songs, well, because that's what we do. Subscribe to What If on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, wherever you get your podcasts, and watch episodes on YouTube. No script, no net, just What If.