If I Were You - 79: Persistence

Episode Date: May 22, 2014

In this episode we discuss the trials and tribulations of being attractive, and joining a new podcast network!This episode is brought to you by OurTunez.com! The best way to discover new music on your computer or iPhone.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Most of your theme songs are very acoustic. To that I say... HAH! I'm Jake, I'm here! YEAH! Feels good! I love you! Y'all call me the PINCH!

Okay! One thing's new, Jake, never mind! You gotta just ask the PINCH, baby! What if I have a problem for you? Choose! You gotta answer eyes! Let's jump right into the show! TOOOOOO!

TOOOOOO! To that I say... HAH! I'm all right! What if I were? What if I were? What if I were? What if I...

If I were you, show up to Gmail.com Come on, Leo, when I like to shine! Thoughts? Let's mosh! You started a mosh bit in here! I think we should mosh for that! You moshed by yourself! What was the last time you saw a mosh bit?

I feel like it was relatively recently, probably. Did you ever do a mosh bit? Yeah, that's when I was in high school. You would mosh. I think I was too afraid to mosh, but I would stand outside the pit, pushing people back in. I would die in a mosh. The mosh bits are for big dudes with cargo shirts. No, they're not for big dudes.

They're just for fucking anybody, you know? They're for animals. There are no rules inside the pit. The pit is international waters. The pit is me, and it's you, and it's mosh. And it's good, and it's now. And that was it. This podcast is brought to you by Mosh Pit.

Brad's ugly younger brother. Hey, Brad and Mosh Pit here. Mosh Pit. You think Brad Pitt has a brother? Yeah, his name is Mosh. It must suck to be Brad. Even the name was Josh. Josh Pit.

Yeah. Pretty close. All right, hey. Whoa, wait, wait, let me talk about these guys. A little bit of background info. This is me reading the email that they submitted. A little bit of background info. We are two brothers who do cover songs on YouTube under the alias Thunder the Covers.

All one word, if you wanted to mention. So they have a YouTube channel called Thunder the Covers. Solid name. Yeah. It's cute because it's under the covers, but it's also hardcore because it's thunder. I like that a lot. Yeah, the thunder from Down Thunder. Perfect.

Yeah, that's it. This is, if I were you, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us. I'm Amir. And I'm the pinch. Oh my God, he's back. The pinch went into hibernation, but the pinch has returned. The last three episodes were not the pinch. That wasn't me, but I am me now.

I am the pinch and you have been pinched and it wasn't a cinch, but here I am none the lynch. Yeah. You made a mosh pinch, which is a mosh pit based solely of people like you. So how does it work? We get emails from all around this great world of people who are in a difficult place. Dire? Yeah. Dire Straits, if you will.

And they seek advice. So they come to us and we read these emails and do our best to offer these advisors. No. Do our best to offer. You had a perfect game going. Then he got shelled in the ninth. He lost. Fourteen to two.

A walk-off homer. The manager kept me in just to shame me, even though my shoulder was... I needed Tommy Johns, but they said fucking put him out for one last pitch. It was like I was an old hall of famer throwing out the ceremonial first pitch. That was the lob over the plate. They wouldn't let me leave the mound. I had to throw the last seven batters left-handed to not throw one strike. Manager showed me less than no mercy.

I hit several of the batters. He did not care. So we are going to be reading these real emails from real people. Let's give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. What do you got? What do you got, got, you got? You know what we can do, which we haven't done in a while. Since maybe the first two or three episodes, which was make-up names.

Just making something up. Yeah. So we need a lady's name. Daffodil Rayan. What's that? Daffodil Rayan. Rayan or Rayan? Rayan.

How do you spell that last one? R-A-I-N. R-A-I. R-A-I-N. R-A-I-N. Daffodil Rayan. Right. Hey guys, I'm 19 from Sydney, Australia.

I'm told that I'm reasonably attractive. Anyway, I get a lot of compliments, looks, etc., which is totally fine and flattering. But the problem is that breed of guy who take it further and start outright hitting on me when I really don't want to be hit on. I've been in a happy relationship with my boyfriend for two years. I know that you're probably thinking, what a bitch, get over it. But it's actually a major issue. For instance, this morning, I was trying to study some Chinese vocab on the bus for a test and a random guy came up to me and started hitting on me really loudly. It was so embarrassing because I'm one of those girls who automatically blushes when a guy looks at me and I didn't get any studying done at all.

It kind of happens to me a lot. I also have trouble with guys at work hitting on me when I'm just trying to do my job. It's distracting and makes me uncomfortable. My question is, how can I signal politely to guys that I'm taken before I waste half an hour while they engage in cringeworthy chit chat and get at the courage to ask me out so I can finally say I have a boyfriend? I don't want to be rude, but I'm a busy girl with things to do. Thanks guys. Love. Daffodil Rayan.

So, how much sympathy do you have to this cutie? I was feeling like she was a little bit of a bitch and she had to get over it up until the point where she said it's actually a major issue. And now? And now, I don't know actually. I flipped on this. Really? Tell me where you're at because I think she has a non-bad problem. This is like a good problem to have.

My car's too shiny. Yeah, exactly. I have too much money. But it is still a problem. Obviously, you'd rather have this problem than the other problem. Why won't guys hit on me? I'm lonely and I need attention. I'm horny and open to it, but nobody wants to talk to me.

But at the same time, this is also an issue. And she, you know, we're asking people for their own sticky situations and this is hers. Right. I don't want to be like this is... She's at the very least... Uh-oh. Oh no. I thought you were going to sneeze and say bitch at the same time.

Oh, you actually did just sneeze. Yeah, that was a real sneeze. Is this our first sneeze on the podcast? I think there was another sneeze that I said, is this the first sneeze and somebody had commented that I'd sneezed another time. So this is sneeze number three. Technically, I believe the pinch has racked up a record three sneezes on the old P-cast. Would you say you sneeze the sneeze? Yeah, I would say I sneeze the cheese.

Yeah. Okay, good. So what would you tell this hot sneeze? Forget the pinch, everybody call me the sneeze. Oh no, no, you don't want to start that. The sneeze soul. Oh, y'all know Polly Shore, the weasel. Yeah.

The sneeze soul. Meaning? Um... I don't suck the juice. I just sneeze. I think it's, I was like a little miffed that she was like, I was studying Chinese on the bus. Oh, that's the part that got to you? I was just like, just stop it.

I understand you're pretty. And I'm the type of girl that blushes when a guy hits on me. Like, okay, you're pretty, you're demure, you're devoted to your boyfriend, you're learning Chinese. I get it. But I'm the guy that's hitting on her. You're that guy that gets hit on in a national. I think I am going to take a walk around the block, cool down a little bit. For that?

That pissed me off. The song? Yeah. The one line from a song? It really did. And you have to take a walk? My hitta, my hitta? What would you do?

What would you suggest? Have you ever talked to a girl for way too long before she dropped the boyfriend bomb? Yeah, probably. I don't think it bothers me that much though. So I wouldn't have really registered. Right, so you're just saying girls can be friendly even if they have boyfriends? Where do you fall on that? Like, if you talk to a girl for half an hour and she's very friendly.

Basically what happened to me last week. Yeah, that was interesting. I guess that was fine because it didn't advance to a point where she needed to say I have a boyfriend. I actually a little bit get more annoyed when I'm just talking to someone and being like, so yeah, what are you up to? Well, yeah, I live with my boyfriend. Like, okay, I was just talking. Well, that's the problem with this girl.

She can't drop it too early because then it's like, oh, you're presumptuous. Well, maybe she's being presumptuous and people aren't necessarily hitting on her, but that's probably not true. I think it's way harder to be an attractive girl than I'm allowing right now. She probably does get hit on constantly. I remember being having girlfriends and just watching them get hit on over and over and over. And it must be awful. They're constantly, every single day, you're getting attention from people you don't want it from.

I don't have to deal with that. It's sort of like being famous. Like instead of famous, if you're just pretty, then that's the same amount of attention. Right, and people who are totally not in your league will just come up and be like, so what's going on? And you're like, I don't want to talk to you. I'm not even not in your league. I mean, like some ugly, weird dude will just sit next to her on the bus and be like,

so you're riding the bus? You learn to Chinese? Are you going to China? Are you going to China? She's like, yo, I don't have to have a boyfriend to not want to talk to you. She doesn't need to be like, I have a boyfriend. She just needs to be like, fuck off. Can't she just be mean or cold or yeah, non-friendly?

Yeah. I think that would be my advice. Don't say I have a boyfriend just but just be mean. I guess that's where the stereotype of pretty girls being mean comes from though. Yeah, maybe you have to be. Oh my gosh. We just uncovered. We unlocked the code.

Pretty girls are mean because they have to be. Not because they actually are. Sorry, I'm going to go to my room and rub one out. You're already rubbing one out here. All right. At least let me finish in private. You're already squeezing a chub. Chubbing a squeeze.

So is that the idea? Just be mean? I guess so. And I will say that I want to at least take back my, you know. Oh my god. I didn't want to, of course, I sort of lambasted her and I didn't realize she was that hot. I didn't realize she was a fucking smoke show. I dime.

An Australian dime. I think it's tough to be a girl. Yeah, it really is. So you're allowing her to be cold, mean, angry to strangers? Yeah. You're allowing her to say that she gets hit on too much because even though it sounds like an obnoxious problem, you know what? It's probably true.

It is. Sure. We'll allow it. All right. That's it. Next. F this. F this.

Whoa. Another girl. Wait. Yes, it is. All right. Another girl. This one. Oh, I'll name her.

Yeah. Sandeed. Candied. Sandeed? Candied. She's a past tense name, like hunted. All right. Is there any name that actually ends in E.D.?

Yeah. Okay, cool. Just wondering. I'm not going to ask for any examples. The name is Ed. Yes. Very good. It also starts in E.D.

Amazing. It's a riddle. The name is also Ted. Ted. Which is more accurate. All right. Okay, guys. So here's the deal.

My ex, who I used to be very close to, that I've dated for a long time, cheated on me. Hence the ex. And went out with some girl that he cheated on me with for around a year. However, ever since they've broken up over a year and a half ago, he won't let me go and insists on us still having a relationship as friends. I've rejected him so many times and he just won't let up. Now I'm just fed up with his persistence. Should I just let him in again?

I know that if we just be friends, it'll eventually become something more because of the past. I don't want to make a bad decision, though. Any advice? I'm just going to let the echo of you reading your stupid voice fill the room wherever she is. I think we don't have to advise her because I feel like she just heard the question read back to her and mocking enough tone. And she gets how stupid it is? Yeah.

Or should she just let him in again? Oh, the guy that cheated on her and then went out with the girl he cheated on her with for a year. Yeah, but now after a year, he realizes how good he had it and he comes crawling back and maybe he deserves her now. The only guy ever realizes how good I had it. They just realize they haven't touched your pussy in a long time. That's what he realized. I realized I missed the way your pussy felt and the way your tits looked, so I miss everything about us.

That's not it. And now I'm just fed up with his persistence. That's the problem. A lot of guys, like the generic advice to guys is like, you know, at first it's not going to work. You got to be persistent. Like persistence is key. But I think persistence is bad. Yeah.

I think persistence is dangerous. I feel like when it comes to girls, if they tell you slightly, like I err on such the side of caution that if I get slightly rebuffed, I am running away in the opposite direction. Yeah, I'm anti-persistent. Well, I think there's probably a middle ground. No, I think my way is the highway. The highway out of here. And say byway.

I think you, yeah, if you are rebuffed, especially if it's like an unequivocal rebuff, she's like, I don't want to be with you and you won't quit. But we're not advising that dude. We're advising her. No. Don't let that work. That's a bad tactic. Yeah.

What kind of relationship is that work? I don't want to be with him. But you know what? He was persistent. Ladies and gay men, you guys have the power. You can rebuff people. You can do this. They're going to keep on coming back and say, I know how good I had it now.

Let me back in. But if you say no, if everyone says no and then they're persistent and you still say no, then maybe one day all that persistence will not pay off and people will stop and the world will be a happier place. But doesn't it seem like that's the classic advice? Like, you know, your mom also just wasn't down to date me. But I just kept on at it until I had her. Like, doesn't that, doesn't that seem familiar?

Like the guy who just kept going until he wore the girl down. There's a difference between. And it seems romantic, but it's actually sad. I think that's, there's persistence, like persistent persistence versus passive persistence. Do you understand what I'm saying? All right. Persistent persistence is text every day, waiting outside her class or work. Hey, let's hang out.

Hey, will you go out with me? Like keeping up with her on Facebook. You see she's single. Like, hey, will you go out with me? Like, no. But then there's passive persistence, like our good friend, Streeter Seidel, who waited patiently for the woman he loved to come into his life and he never stopped loving her, but he also didn't constantly fucking bother her, you know?

Streeter's actually here. Why don't we talk to him about this? Because, yeah, why don't you join one of these microphones so we can ask you about whether or not you were actually persistent or whether you just waited until, well, what's the story here? I wish you guys wouldn't wake me up. Do a podcast in my room. This is super annoying.

We broke in and started talking over your sleeping body. Did you hear this question? No, I was listening to tunes. Very cool tunes over there. So this, we're just talking about persistence and like how I think that when a guy's persistent, it's actually dangerous and bad. That when you get rebuffed, you should just quit. No, no, bad idea.

So you're saying the opposite. Well, were you persistent? You knew your now wife when you were how old? First time I met her, we were 12. Did you ask her out any times and she said no? You know, I don't think I ever officially was like, we should date, but I made a number of passes at her over the years. So what was your theory, the passive persistence?

Did you hear me talk about passive persistence versus persistent persistence? Like, no, but I think I understand what you're saying. Thank you. Like persistent persistence would be, yeah. You'd be like the sad character in like a romantic comedy, like who's just like constantly going after the hot girl with like flowers and chocolates and like, will today be the day my love, like that kind of dude, right? That's the P.P., but you really kind of want to be the P.P., you know?

Yeah, that's no good. But I think you can be passive. Passive persistence. That's just laying in wait. I think it's like, it's less about persistence and more about like always making sure you're an option, you know? I think that's like, was the trick. Yeah.

Was like, I'm always here. All of you above. I'm available, you know? So what did you do? How did you wear her down? I bowed my time. I didn't, you know what it, honestly what it was I gave up. So maybe the thing is to just give up.

After, after a note, after like 15 years of kind of being this like sad, friend-zoned guy who was just always like, always around and like, hey, you know, if you need a shoulder to cry on, like, sure. But that's the thing. Like when you get broken up with or you get dumped or you get rebuffed, you say, all right, I'm cool with it. Goodbye. And that's the best way to get at somebody is to pretend that you don't care or to actually

stop caring. Yeah. I think maybe she sensed that like me as an option was gone at that point and was like, oh, I better move on this now. Maybe that was it. It also could just could have been like she matured and realized how awesome I was. There's like a lot of, that happens a lot of people that don't like me at first. Yeah.

Really dislike me. Also, Dick got bigger, right? My dick, I got the surgery. Yeah. I got the procedure down in the Dominican Republic to make it bigger. The DR. Yeah. Some of the, some of the girth came from the infection, but a lot of it was a lot of it

did. Most of it came from the infection and that got drained. But there's definitely like a cumulative like a quarter inch of added thickness and mass. Yeah. I bet. Anyway, what was the question? No, it's, we just wanted to talk to you about your persistence.

Thank you. Thanks. Thanks for having me on. Thanks for having me on. I'm going to go back over to the other side of the room now. Hello. Hey everybody. The passive persistent.

So the advice for this girl is don't give into this guy's persistent persistence. That's right. Try to turn him into a passive persistent. That's right. I like when we get scientific, especially because we're dumb. It's like watching two kids wear lab coats and play make-believe or adult or something. You are wearing a lab coat right now. Something else.

Should we get to the third question? I wouldn't mind it. All right. This is a guy. A dude. Finally. Right. I'm sick of all these chicks.

Forget girls. It's all about us. Dudes. Dudes. Dudes. That's your Tom DeLonge. Oh yeah. All that.

Small fiends. Does that guy actually talk like that or did you just sing like it? I think he talks like that. That's how he talks. Yeah. He's just like, I want to become a seeing-yard. What? Does that sense?

That's like, I want to become a seeing-yard. Class is boring. That's good. Thank you. Mom. Fuck you, mom. Fuck you, mom. Fuck you, dad.

You fucking fuck. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area, but BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule.

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It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with BetterHelp. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today. You can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere

that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help and it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow.

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All right, Tom DeLong. I feel weird making fun of Tom DeLong though because he is my idol. That's true. Never meet your heroes. Not that you met him. I did meet Mark Hoppus though. Who do you like more? I never met Tom.

You sure sound like you do. Well, first name bass is seeing it up. Oh, me and T? Yeah. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Tdl? I didn't get to meet that dude though. All right.

Hey dudes, so I'm a senior dude in high school, not interested in a relationship whatsoever. However, I think dates are just so much damn fun. So here's my question. How do I ask a girl out without her thinking I want a relationship? Also, if she knows it's casual, can I ask good girlfriends of mine without her thinking I'm interested romantically in her? Or is that risking too much? For example, a good friend of mine just broke up with this dime he's been dating for a year

and a half. Can I casually take her out once or twice? Will that piss my friend off? Will that weird out the dime? We're good friends. It seems the difference between a serious and a casual date is so imperceptible. I'm wondering if I should even try. Any advice would be greatly appreciated dudes.

Thanks, Tom DeLong. For somebody who thinks dates are just so much damn fun. Yeah. It seems like you don't know what you're doing. It is. I mean, he's in high school, but he has such an adult problem dating, specifically dating. I mean, I'm way on the other side. Yeah, don't compare yourself to anyone.

You're such a... You are... It's not even like another end of the spectrum. You exist in your own universe. I'm an outlier. You are such a... All right, that's enough. I already said I was an outlier.

Dude. I'm just saying outlier almost sounds positive in a way, so I just want to make sure that everyone knows it's a negative. You're not actually cutting the negativity. You're just saying it as you were going to anyway before I cut you off. Outlier. Yeah. Well, it's pretty sad and pathetic what you are, so I don't want us to be like, I'm an outlier.

No, yeah, I know. And what I did was I cut you off so that you wouldn't say stuff like sad or pathetic, and you're speaking in a normal tone right now, as if you're hearing what I'm saying and taking it to heart, but the words themselves are the same. Oh, buddy, I'm just saying I just don't want it to be... No, no, no, I know what you're just saying, because you just said it. I know, and I'm not going to say it again except just to mention it.

Thank you. I won't say anything else. It was suffice to say. It was suffice. It was very suffice. It was suffice, but it wasn't succinct. It was sufficient, and it was proficient. You're a loser.

You're a loser, Blumenfeld. I feel like I am back in high school. But even guys that sleep with girls in high school, they don't go out on dates a lot of dates, do they? Don't they just party and get wasted and hook up? Yeah, I don't think... Isn't this a very adult problem for a high schooler to have? Yeah.

Well, you know, my first article ever published on College Humor was, I think, called The Lost Art of the First Date. Wow. The Lost Art of the Date or something like that. It's like how people don't go on dates anymore. Right. I think, yeah, it's weird to navigate that world as an 18-year-old. Right.

It feels like it's too early. I feel like this is a problem almost I have, which is like, I don't want to go out with someone because then it's like, what if I'm only mildly interested in them? I don't want to lead them on and then create a weird situation later. That's so weird to me. You don't want to go out and show someone a good time. You're putting that on them to think that they want to make something serious out of it.

But let's say I meet someone at a party who's like, yeah, she was pretty cute. And she's like, yeah. Yeah. She didn't fall in love with you. You're not leading her on. She thought you were pretty cute, too. And maybe it'd be fun to go out with you.

But I don't want to go out with someone that I'm lukewarm about. Why not? I don't know. I'm just not interested to have a full night with someone that I'm just like, all right. You would rather sit here by yourself. Yes. That's more fun.

Yeah. Then maybe having a good time, maybe actually coming. Well, I don't know if I would. But I think a whole different dilemma is like, if I go out with someone that I'm not very interested in and then we end up hitting it off, or not, not end up hitting it off. But we end up getting attached physically and I have sex with her

and then I become even less interested. Isn't that mean? Shouldn't I just cut it off right before we ever go out? No, because you are, by doing that, you're in charge of everyone's feelings. You're not giving her any feelings. So what? I'm supposed to open myself up just to be nice to her.

Just feel your own feelings and then she can do whatever the fuck she wants. If she's like, if you are like, hey, I'm not really, I'm lukewarm on this person, but I'd like to see what's up. You don't apply any feelings to her. She may or may not want to go out with you, but this is all still happening in your world. You go out. You guys get a good drink.

You're having fun. This is great. You're not applying any feelings to her because in your mind, I know you're thinking, oh shit, I'm making her fall in love with me. I don't want to have an uncomfortable conversation about how I don't want to be with her. But just don't even think about that. Just think I'm having fun. You guys start kissing.

You're like, okay, cool. I'm having fun. She's having fun. Who knows the adventure she's on in her mind. She might just want to fuck somebody and just never talk to you again and get back together with her ex. And she just wanted to go out one time to see what else was out there and get some weird dick in her.

And then that's, I have a weird dick. I know, dude. You've seen it. I've seen it. It's all good. It takes like a right turn. Yeah, right turn. Right, right.

90 degrees. And that's what I'm saying. You don't need to apply any feelings to her. You don't need to, you're like worried about hurting somebody. I'm not, I'm not worried about hurting somebody. I'm just lukewarm about it. You're worried about getting the wrong impression or doing something. But like, just do it for you.

You don't have, it's okay to be lukewarm on somebody. It's okay to sleep with someone and not want anything more as long as you're never misrepresenting yourself. So I meet someone who's like, oh, she's pretty cute and she's fine and friendly. And I'm like, I don't really want to hang out with her anymore. I don't think that's a bad attitude. I guess if you don't, no, I mean, as long as you're being true to yourself

but don't say, I don't want to hang out with her because she's just going to like want to hang out more and more and then I'm going to have to cut her off. Well, what about this guy? This guy should, he should, I'm giving him this advice too. Just like, you don't need to set the, set the precedent for the date before the date. Just go out and that's fine.

That's all you need to do. Except he does say, can I ask out a good friend of mine who just broke up with this guy that he's dating? No, of course not. No, don't do that, you idiot. You can't go out with your friend's ex-girlfriend. Especially not on two casual dates. Yeah.

What is this thing that he likes going out on dates but doesn't like, does that mean he likes having sex or you're not even that? He just likes to hang out with girls. He just likes hooking up. He likes, yeah, he likes what on one time. I don't think it's easy and flirtatious. I think this is pre-hooking up. Yeah, it doesn't sound like it's sex.

He likes going out on first dates. Right. And then second dates and then that's it. Which is, I guess, weird to me about whatever. But should he do that? Should he tell the girl, like, by the way, I only want to go out with you once or twice? No, because that's weird.

And then when the girl wants to go out for a third time and you don't want to, what do you say? Well, he shouldn't be starting anything with the attitude that I will only have two dates. Why don't you just have the attitude, this girl's cool, I'll go out with her once and see if I want to again, and then you go out with her a second time and then see if you want to again and see if,

and by the way, the whole entire time you should be seeing if she wants to again and again and again. And if you do, then good. And if you don't, then that's okay. You just be honest and say, I don't want to see you again. I don't want to hang out tonight. Or you can just never respond to her texts anymore or say, like, hey, I can't tonight.

Maybe sometime next week. You grow aloof and you grow distant and she gets the hit. That's the modern day breakup. And I think that's fine too. You grow so distant. That's going to happen both ways. Of course, that's going to happen both ways.

I think it's a beautiful thing. I think there's an art form to it. I think you perfected the art form. Yeah. I think you're the master of the art form. I don't have a single ex-girlfriend. Just a bunch of girls that are wondering why I never texted them back. I grow so distant.

I become a dot so far away that I ultimately disappear. I am a lone star in a galaxy alone, far, far, far away. There is nothing in my orbit. And my life stopped burning long ago. I am more than a supernova. I am a black hole. A black hole of despair. All right.

That's it. I don't know what to tell this guy. I'm lonely. I'm sad. I am this guy. I am a loser. I am Queen's Boulevard. Piece of shit.

I'm a fucking idiot. I am relaxed. I am relaxed. Dude. I am relaxed. I finally figured out what I am, and it's a piece of shit. All right. That's quite enough.

You got that. Let's not do anywhere self-reflection on the podcast. I wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder who I am and that I find out it is actually, oh, nothing's wrong with you because you are no one. How can something be wrong with nothing? Yeah. I'm not even here.

Hey, I'm not an asshole. I don't exist. And that's so much better and worse at the same time. I hate myself. Break time? Yeah. Hey, whoa. I just emerged from that.

I was so deep in hosting mode. Now I'm finally ready to be myself now that it's the break. We want to make the announcement that we joined, quote unquote, a podcast network. What does that mean? It means we fucking made it, dude. Huzzah for us. We joined a podcast network. Thank you all for the support.

We don't need it anymore. No, no, no, no, no, no. Now we get paid no matter what our listenership is. That's exactly incorrect. Really? Yeah. I was positive that once we moved to podcast one that we are just millionaires. Yeah.

You're like a college athlete who gets drafted to the NBA and then just stops working hard. That's me. Yeah, yeah. It should be the opposite. Well, I never started working hard. I resent the implication. That I ever worked anything hard. Yeah, we joined podcast one, which is one of the biggest podcasting networks on the internet.

Which means the world to me and you. Why did we do it? Great question. Because we wanted money. Yeah. Well, okay. That's as long as we're being truthful, we do like money. Yeah.

But it wasn't just that. We met with them and they were very nice and friendly. Yes. They're cool people and they know what they're doing. They have a team of people working around the clock for podcasts like ours and Adam Corolla's and bigger websites or bigger podcasts than ours. So we're excited. And smaller podcasts than ours.

If you can imagine. Or maybe we might be the smallest. Yeah. No, we are. We definitely are. Toda. No, they assured us we were somewhere in the middle. Also, because it's a network, we can have more exposure.

They can put our podcast on their site, podcastone.com. We can be guests on other podcasts. We can grow our listenership. And also, we don't have to sell our own ads anymore. Which is very helpful and frees up a lot of time for ourselves to be able to do other stuff. Yeah. I'm glad I don't have to sell anymore ads because now I'm just a free spirit. Yeah.

Well, that one was more for me. Yeah. But I would say that I was supportive in the endeavor. You did respond to the emails that I forwarded to you. That's right. And you said, cool. Sounds good. Or just THX.

Sometimes you wouldn't respond at all. And you would know that that was like a THX. Yeah. A pat on the face. If I had a problem with something, I would have responded. And I also did my part in taking half the money. Yes. That's true.

So let's say. Caching the checks. Yeah. Although I did set up a direct deposit for you because you started to complain about, like, how the checks were sort of weighing down your wallet at a certain point. I wasn't cashing them. Yeah. I was not cashing the checks.

You said it was a waste of time and effort. I'd like to say that I hope that podcast one brings us lots of new listeners. Yeah. But more than anything. Fuck those guys. Wait, whoa. I still ride with my day once. Holy shit.

Y'all remember killing yourself at a Starbucks? Podcast one, the first. If I were you ever, you guys are my babies. And I will never forget you. So you're saying, fuck the listeners we've gotten because of podcast one. Fuck the new ones. Fuck the new ones. You make new friends, but keep the old.

Some are silver. The others are gold. Yeah. I say fuck that rhyme. No new friends. Just the old. The new ones could have been silver. But the old ones are gold.

Unless the new ones stick around for so long, then they become old. And then we start to like them again and now fuck the future listeners that haven't even started listening to us yet. Especially fuck those ones that have been there from the very beginning. It's like, what are you even doing here? You're starting to alienate everybody. The party's over. You ever see that motherfucker who's like, the comes to the party, the first one to show up and then the party's over and he's like, oh, should we order bagels?

It's almost five in the morning. Maybe we should get everyone food. Can I help clean up? Like, yo, dude, get out. You know what I'm saying? So who are those people? Those are the day ones. The ones that you just said that you ride with.

And I do ride with them up until a point. You're bipolar. Yes. Yes. So that's why we joined podcast one. What's going to change? Not a damn thing. Don't you worry, babies.

Hopefully very little. Actually, the last couple of episodes were technically part of the podcast one network. So if you haven't noticed anything yet, that's sort of the minimal changes that are going to be happening. We're going to have ads before the shows, as usual, and then maybe just maybe an ad in the show. But don't hang up yet. Don't yell at us. All right? Relax.

Because it also means we'll have more episodes. For example, today's the Thursday episode. We're going to have more of those thanks to podcast one. They're going to be able to give us advertisers that we couldn't get otherwise, like audible.com last episode. So if there are going to be more ads, there's at least going to be more shows. So it's going to be more content in the long run. I assure you it is a good thing. It's a happy, happy little universe we've created because we get money.

Yeah. And that's it. They get ads. Yeah. They get money. They get money. You guys get more content. Right.

I think that's a triple win situation. Oh, and then the advertisers get good publicity. Quadruple win. Because I really think that we nail the advertising thing. Yeah. Yeah. We got the pre-rolls down pat. That's right.

And so, oh yeah, one other small change. If you listen to our show on Facebook, that's going to stay the same. If you listen to it on IfIReuseShow.com or SeizeTheCheese.com, that's also not going to be affected. Or if you subscribe on iTunes and listen to the show on the go, also completely the same. The only difference is we're no longer going to be uploading it to SoundCloud the night before, but we're going to be uploading it to the Podcast One site. So if you listened, if you like, bookmarked our SoundCloud page because you wanted to listen to it as soon as possible before it even gets released on iTunes, you can now find us on

PodcastOne.com and you can look for our page on there. We're sad to leave SoundCloud, but the show will go on. So that's that, I think. Onward and upward. I think that's it for the housekeeping. Oh, also, we're going to have maybe a little thumbnail on the logo of our podcast. And not to be too forward, but I think you and I were maybe considering getting PodcastOne tattoos.

That is very forward. I was not actually considering getting that. I think we should get a matching tattoo. Not necessarily PodcastOne. Sure, of course not. Maybe, and if I were you or a Jake in a mirror, match a tattoo with our names on it. Well, I'll get your name, you get mine. If I actually, not that I'm going to, but if I made that deal, would you do that?

I think I would get something like, I would get your glasses tattooed on my on my own. My nipples. So it's like my chest is yours. I would get the penguin tattooed on myself. If I did what? If you got something for me tattooed on you. Well, what's your thing? What could I get tattooed on?

I don't know. I don't have a thing like you, like your glasses. So you would actually get my glasses tattooed on your arm. And then if somebody asks you like, oh, that's like, it's my best friend. Yeah, that's my guy right there. We like make videos together before he killed himself. Would you kill yourself? Well, I don't know.

It depends on what type. Dude, if you ever died, I'd absolutely get your glasses tattooed right on my chest. If I ever died, regardless of how it happens. So like if I die before you, you're getting my tattoo of my glasses on your chest. I promise you that. Which glasses? Those ones that you're wearing right now. These ones.

So what should I get tattooed if you were to die? Maybe a little, a little crab claw. What? The pinch. You asshole. I don't know. I don't have a thing. What's your thing?

I don't have one, dude. Stop reminding me. You're on Warby Parker right now. Which is why I'm going to get one. And it'll be both of our glasses. Yes. Yeah, I don't know. Maybe I'll wear like, not.

You're so nondescript. I used to have the yellow belt, remember? A yellow belt tattoo. The worst tattoo I could have right behind the sun you have on your ankle. You could get the tribal sun tattoo. Yeah, your tattoo on my body. That's what it would be. You'd have to get the butterfly.

Oh, yeah, I think that's what it is. Your defining characteristic is something you added to yourself. Right. Whereas mine is something I was born with. Your glasses. My glasses. Okay. My poor vision, at least.

Should we get to one last question? Let's try. We owe it to podcast one. All right, here we go. This one's pretty funny. Last dude of the show named Cagneyed Saan. Cagneyed Saan. Yeah.

He's a martial artist. It's always ED. Yeah. What does that say? I have to stop living in the past, I guess. All right. Hey guys, I just finished my first year of college and moved back home for the summer. It's great to see my parents again, but that being said, I have one major issue.

My mom sleeps on the couch in our living room every night and my dad sleeps in the master bedroom. Worse yet, my mom goes to bed at 8 p.m. every night because she has to get up at 4 a.m. for her job. My problem is this. In order to move anywhere in my house, you have to walk through or pass the living room. And my mom is an extremely light sleeper. One heavy footstep and she'll instantly wake up and start yelling at me, saying that she won't be able to go back to sleep and that she's going to fall asleep driving to work and crash her car. Am I a diva and an ass for thinking that this is unreasonable?

I mean, I can't even get up for a glass of water without being put on a midnight blast by the woman who gave me life. Should I ask my mom to sleep somewhere else? Should I find somewhere else to live this summer? Any advice would be much appreciated. Todah, cagneyed son. Cagneyed. Am I a diva and an ass? First of all, it's not your house.

It's their house. You're living in their house and you're waking them up regardless of the situation. And you're wondering if it's unreasonable to ask this homeowner not to sleep wherever she... You're taking the mom's side? Yeah. Imagine if someone crashed at your place and yelled at you or got mad at you if they woke you up. That's what's happening. Wait, what?

You're a homeowner. And there's this guy that's crashing with you for the summer for free. You're not charging them and they're eating all your food. That's ostensibly what's happening. Then you're sleeping because you have to wake up at 4 a.m. so that you can afford this house. And this person keeps waking you up and then he's like, Is it unreasonable to ask you to change where you sleep? Well, she shouldn't be sleeping in the living room if she's such a light sleeper.

How dare you? I'm... Why can't she sleep in the master bedroom? Miss Hurwitz, I apologize for this rude behavior. I don't think it's crazy if you're a light sleeper to... And you sleep at 8... 8 p.m.? Yeah, 8 p.m.

Till 4 a.m. So he's a prisoner in his room from 8 p.m. until 4 a.m. Yeah, and if he feels like a prisoner, he can leave. I suggest that you let her sleep in your room and you sleep in the living room. How's that? That's fair, but at the same time, I want to scold him. What was I about to say? Oh yeah, his second option.

He said, should I ask my mom to sleep somewhere else? Should I find somewhere else to live this summer? Yeah, the second one. Find somewhere else to live this summer. Nice. Yeah. Well said. Leave.

Well said, asshole. Goodbye. You're a mama's boy. That's your problem, dude. You would never want to upset your mommy. Oh, sorry, mommy. I didn't mean to wake you up, mommy. I'll stay in my room all summer, mommy.

Dude, grow a fucking pear. Nut up. I don't live at home. Huh? I don't live at home. Yeah, right. You know where I live. I live with you.

Okay. You got my glasses tattooed on your chest. I love them, dude. That's actually a pretty chill tattoo. I know. Maybe I'll get it. That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

I hope you die soon. What? I just because I think you'd be a chill tat. Why don't you get the tat while I'm still alive to appreciate it? It's not the same. Of course it's the same. It's better, actually. All right, that's it.

I say move out. Jake says, switch rooms with your mommy. I just say address the situation in a, you don't have to be like, mom, I hate this, but just be like, hey, this is really tough for me. And you guys, I'm sure she's a reasonable woman. Yeah, she sounds very reasonable. What with the yelling at her son? She wakes up yelling.

Yeah. That's, I think that's a tough situation to deal with. And I think it deserves to be talked about in the light of day. Okay. Obviously she's going to be cranky when she's waking up if she's going to be at work. Yeah, that 4 a.m. job. 4 a.m. wake up call is obviously tough. She has a newspaper route.

But you know what I say when she gets home from work, you give her a nice little coffee. You say, mom, can we talk about something? This summer is, you know, it's like, it's going to be tough for me. I would love if we could find a solution to this problem. And I think she'd appreciate it. I think she would respect you. And I think I would respect you. Why?

There you have it. What else is there to say? If you find yourself in your own sticky situation, you want our help for whatever reason. That email address again is if I were you show at gmail.com. We start and end every episode with a custom made theme song from our talented fans. That first one was from Thunder the Covers. And this last one is from somebody who calls himself Streetlamp. See you Monday.

Thank you.