If I Were You - 82: Baby Dick (Live at the Hollywood Improv!)

Episode Date: June 9, 2014

In this episode we discuss nicknames, premature ejaculation, and slam poetry.This episode is brought to you by SquareSpace.com -- The best, most affordable way to create a professional looking website.See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do, if only I were you, shark.com Make some noise for Mr. Jake and the Mew! Just for like, it wasn't for both of us the whole time. Yeah, well the first 15 seconds of that was for me. And then when they died down was when I pointed to you. That's fair. Let's get it for me again. Putting me on a really early blast on the show.

Yeah. The first three seconds of the show and I'm starting a show on blast. Yeah. That's cool. You're in the red. Wow, that was fast. To us? To what?

Us. What about them? I have longevity of our friendship. Care a lot about you. Care a lot about them. Care most about you. More than anything about you. Jesus.

You're my best friend, soulmate, brother, and I don't want to say lover. Then don't. Lover. How are you guys? Shit. California attractive crowd. Yeah, you guys are so much better looking than that New York pieces of shit we performed for. Reminder for me editing this day.

Yeah, edit that part out. Right, right. And when we go to New York we disparage Los Angeles. Yeah. We should edit that part out too. True, true. All right, cool. Thank you guys so much for coming.

A very casual you're welcome. So, what are we doing? Are you still eating that French fries? No. That's a crazy amount of time to take to chew. Yeah. It was in your mouth this whole time? This is from dinner half an hour ago.

Wow. Yeah. Impressive. I haven't even gotten to the one I stole from them. It's stored in the back of your throat. Yeah, I'm like a pesda Spencer. But with French fries. Right.

So, who here has heard this podcast before? Thank God. We don't have to explain it. Let's just go. Well, who here hasn't? Why did you come? Who convinced you? We already have all our fans here.

We don't need anybody new. No, that's no new friends. That's true. Bad attitude. Bad lyric. Cool lyric, bad attitude. Thank you guys so much for coming out. This is our first live podcast in Los Angeles.

True? No. Okay. Who came to our last live podcast in Los Angeles? Wow. Super fans. Cool. I barely even went to that one.

You didn't show up. So, how does it work? We get emails from people in sticky situations. We do our best. Take one breath before the fence and then say everything. Sorry, I'm still eating the fry. You're choking. This is how you die right now.

Yeah, we receive emails from people who are like, I don't know what to do and we read them and we try to answer them on the show. It's usually just me and my underwear and Jake in our home recording the show and sometimes we invite 200 of our closest friends. That's right. So, what do you say you get back in your underwear?

Are you wearing yellow underwear right now? No, striped. I know I saw it before we left. It was blue and yellow striped underwear? Close. What is it? No underwear at all. Really?

Yeah, that was my dick you saw. Wow. I'm that big of a UCLA fan. Wow. It looks like a Dr. Seuss cartoon down there. Yeah. Oh, the places I'll grow. Sorry.

Yeah. I shouldn't hold that while I said that. How come you're using the mic stand and I'm not? I wanted two hands free for my whiskey, but here we go. All right. Did we explain everything that we need to explain? Should we get the party started? Yeah, let's get the party started.

Some parties involve me sitting down anyway, so this is... No one ever says get the party started about a podcast. But we're drinking. Let's do it, huh? Yeah. So, we're going to need to give these real emails from real people fake names in order to preserve their anonymity. You thought everyone's going to finish that sentence, huh?

You to preserve their anonymity. Oh, cool. We just broke the world record for most people saying anonymity by exactly how many people said it. Amazing. That's why we started the podcast. Yeah. We're done.

We finished. So, who said they were here for the first time? You? Right there? You here for the first time? What's your name, man? Just give us your first name, middle initial, social security number, last name. And if you have, like, a frequent flyer or a TSA pre-approval number, that'd be great, too.

No, what's your first name? Anna? Anna. Does anyone have a non-shitty name? What? Like a real fucking American name? I'm sorry, Anna. Like, what is that?

She's never heard the podcast. She doesn't even know you're kidding me. She doesn't... Everyone else is like, oh, this is funny. And she just thinks you're ridiculing her and everyone's laughing. She doesn't know my name. That's the problem. That's true.

It's Anna. My name is so much more fucked up than yours, Anna. You have no idea what name I give at restaurants, Anna. It's not a mirror. They can't understand it. I say Ben. And they know I'm lying. All right.

Just realized this was written by a male. So we can't use... Anna, do you have a father? I hope she doesn't say no. Jesus. This is going to be the worst comedy show for her. How could she not have a father? Even if he's dead, she at least had a father, you know?

Yeah. That's beautiful. She was born in a test tube by a scientist who died and she never learned his name. No male figure. What's your daddy's name? How was the show, Anna? Well, they made fun of my name and called out my dead dad. And that was by minute six.

You still don't know if he's okay. What is your father's name? Oh, he's good. He's good, everyone. He's good. Give it up for Anna's dad name. Joseph. Great name.

Cool name. Joseph writes, Hey guys, so I'm a junior in high school and recently my best friend started calling me baby penis. Somehow this name stuck and I am known by the whole school as baby penis. I have a normal size dick about seven inches. This nickname has hurt my game big time. I used to hook up with a girl about once a month and now I have not gotten any action in months. Do I try and get one of those chicks I banged to tell everyone it's not small?

Or do I just whip it out in front of a lot of people and deal with the consequences? Thanks, Joseph. Joseph. So it's a multiple choice quiz where both answers are wrong. We're set up to fail. I think if you want to avoid ridicule, whipping your dick out is not the way to do it. Well, they will stop calling them baby penis. Yeah, they'll start calling them like...

Pervert. Yeah. A creepy guy that whipped his penis out. Yeah. They might not call him at all because they'll just get expelled from school, right? They'll forget about him. So what would you do if somebody called you baby penis? No one would ever call me baby penis.

Relax, dude. Do you want to see my fucking dick right now? Holy shit, he's doing it. If you're listening at home, he's doing it. This is insane how much he's doing it. Listeners at home? Listeners at home? I see his dick.

And now it's out. What do you mean? Why are you booing? Baby dick. No! I have a micro penis. It's funny that he's like, I have a normal sized dick, seven inches. Which is a little...

It's a little above average. I would say so. Yeah. Just because I've heard the average is six inches. Six inches, of course. Especially the average between our two. At eight and four. How dare you?

How dare you? I didn't say whose was whose. I just pointed... Mine's four. It seems like everybody would know that baby dick was like a fake nickname, right? Baby penis? Yeah, that's not a real thing, right? No one thinks he really has...

I don't think it's actually affecting his game. Yeah, I bet he's not really hooking up with chicks nonetheless. You know what? I think it's confidence that matters more than size. Am I right, ladies? Everyone boo. Worst crowd ever! Yeah, I feel like if somebody called me baby dick, the best thing to do is embrace the name.

Perhaps get a BD tattoo somewhere on your small dick. I don't just have a baby penis. I don't even have a penis. Yeah. It's a stump. Well, it's kind of cool because any girl you hook up with is like, oh my goodness, I thought you had a baby penis, but this is very average. Seven inches.

I think you're right, you embrace it. You definitely don't whip your dick out. Especially because I feel like you get performance anxiety when you're just whipping your penis out. Yeah, if I whip my penis out right now, probably as small as four as your dick would be right now. Yeah, of course. I'm like performing. I'm like drinking a little whiskey. I'm scared.

I have a little acorn penis right now. That's your new nickname. No! I'm the pinch! Loser. Oh my God. For everybody listening at home, I just did crab claws. Yeah, I don't know what to tell this guy, but then embrace it.

Embrace it? Embrace the baby dick. Don't whip your dick out. Embrace it. Face it. It took your mother nine months to mace it. Yeah, which is a long time it would take to mace a penis, I feel like. Nine whole months.

What do you do if you actually have a baby penis? That's what I do. Yeah, I bet you'd write into a podcast freaking out a little bit. Not to call this guy out, but I'm saying your penis is probably not a normal seven inches. You think this guy doesn't have a seven inch penis? I bet it would. Justin, if you're listening, will you send us a picture of your penis? Is that crazy to ask for?

Do they make, like, you know how to take a picture of your penis, you have to have a ruler next to it, right? No, no, no. What guys here have taken pictures of their penises? Oh, I don't believe that no one's done it. How about a girl, if you're here with your boyfriend, you tell me if you took a picture of a penis. There's a couple of who's. Was it next to a ruler? How did you know what the scale was?

What? Was it next to an army man, a jellybean? How do you know? Have you ever taken a picture of your penis? I haven't taken a photo, but I've definitely slid it up against a ruler. It was a protractor, actually, as long as we're being, as long as we're being, say, I wanted to see the angle at which it curved, yeah. And then I calculated, sort of, from there, what a triangle would be based on the cosine. And this doing the math got you super hard.

Yeah, just holding the protractor. Even thinking about it now, you can see your penis growing through the no underwear that you're wearing. Are you really wearing no underwear? Ah, now I'm wearing underwear. Are they blue and yellow? They're blue. All right. I am glad we got to the bottom of that.

All right. Moving on from JoJo. Uh, we need yet another man's name. I heard Anthony first, but somebody keeps on saying Malfoy? Malfoy? Man, I like it. Malf. Malfoy.

We're right. Now that's a name. All right. Anna, sorry. Malfoy. Malfoy writes, a couple years ago, I had a really close relationship with this girl. We would IM and video chat for hours. Since then, we have drifted apart and we barely talk anymore.

I still kind of want to have a thing for this girl. And I was wondering if I should just go for it or let it go. A little more information. Keep in mind, this girl is way out of my league. And our previous relationship happened when she was less popular. Furthermore, when we used to talk a lot, she would just ask me for advice about a lot of things. And this often included the boys that she had a crush on. At the moment, I'm a five, I'm a five foot five inch annoying loser.

And she's a nine out of 10. Do I have any chances with this girl? P.S. Most of her friends dislike me. And one of them constantly yells at me. Love Malfoy. In fact, she's yelling at me right now. Shut up!

It seems like the problem was with the girl who's constantly yelling. Who deserves that? Why is it a question? Should I talk to this girl who wants nothing to do with me? All of her friends hate me and I can't talk to her? Yeah, he's also a five foot five inch loser. No matter what we advise, it's not up to him, right? Like, yeah, talk to her.

He's like, ah, no, I tried. But her friend just wouldn't stop screaming. I couldn't talk over her. Constantly yelling. I think this guy's problem, like you said earlier, was confidence. Anybody who thinks they're a loser is a loser. Yeah, and if you think you're a winner, you might still be a loser. So how do you know if you're a winner?

You have to sort of think you're a loser, but you're like cool with being a loser, right? Oh, I see. I'm like, I'm a loser, but that's great. That's, I don't fucking know. Look at me, man, I ain't lost a day in my life. Shit. Did you ever have that? I was a five inch, five foot five inch loser once.

And you were a guy who was like, these girls came to talk to about the guys that they actually like? Yeah, I would get that. Like the boy, not the boyfriend, but the friend that's a boy. Right, and did you ever end up hooking up with one of those girls? You know what? I didn't. It was the damnedest thing. I was, I was short and a loser.

And what changed? Well, what changed was I grew six inches. Nice. Still, still was a loser. Okay. But I made internet videos sometimes. So I was able to like creep on 16 year old girls. Nice.

When I was 28. Whoa. How legal is that? On the scale of one, two. Absolutely illegal. Absolutely illegal. Absolutely. That's correct.

It's abhorrent in the eyes of God and statutory in the eyes of the law. So I would say you're a, you're a devil. You're a sinner. Yes. I'm a saint. You're a no, not that. I'm a sinner. I'm a saint.

I do not feel ashamed. Y'all let me down, man. Thank you. I'm a pinch. I'm telling you I didn't have anything to do with this song. He's just yelling bitch at you. Yeah. Which kind of, I don't know.

It's some weird fucking fetish I have. Everybody calling me a bitch. Bitch. Yeah. Keep going. Stop that. All of you. Especially Anna.

But especially her father. Joseph. Joseph. Is that a level on your table? It's a level, right? Do you see that? It's a man. Okay.

You know what? These glasses are fake. I'm surprised. There's levels. I'm just trying to fuck anything I can do with algebra. Anything that has to do with algebra? I don't know, man. What?

I saw you jerk off to a TI-83 this morning. I really did. It was a TI-83 plus. Thank you. What? What? Yeah. Do 18-year-olds know what TI-83 pluses are?

All right. Good. So they didn't make a new calculator? Yeah. They haven't upgraded calculators since 1998. I remember finding out about calculators and being like, what? Excuse me?

And I'm learning shit. Why? So all third grade was about memorizing my timetables and then there's a fucking remote that does it? And I could play Snake on it? Why not fucking start with the calculator in third grade? Then I would have been a genius on the calculator by fourth. I never needed to know the math.

The math. Mrs. Thompson, Mrs. Hayden? You're both whores. Unrelated to math. Those are just your neighbors. It just got you thinking. So what was our advice to the short loser? Uh-oh.

His specific question was, do I have any chances with this girl? I would say no. Usually if you rank a girl so specifically, you don't have a chance with her. Would you say that's true? I would like you to clarify the statement a little bit. So for example, people that look at girls and are like, you're a 9 out of 10.

You're a 6. You're an 8. You're a 10. You're dealing with such a loser that you probably can't sleep with that type of person. Oh, I see. Cool. Yeah, yeah.

I'm for that. Anybody that looks at a girl and she's like, she's an 8. She's a 7. She's a 6.5. There is zero. Thank you. I guess. Yeah, but like everybody rates everybody's attractiveness.

The scale is necessarily... Yeah, but like a specific scale. I think you could just say, oh, this person's cute. I'm attracted to this person. You don't have to assign a numerical value as much as I enjoy that. Two PC, man. Some girls are 10. Some girls are 2.

Thank you. Hashtag no all women. Am I right? No, no, no, no, no. Now someone call me a bit. Thank you. Yeah, maybe. But I think that this guy's problem is just that he thinks poorly of himself,

not highly of somebody else. That's nice. You can have a crush on someone that you can't attain. That's what crushes are. That's great. And you can't change that you're five foot five, but maybe you can change that you think you're a loser. So you just go out and you like find a hobby or something you're passionate about.

And then you're like, hey, I'm really good at skiing. And he's like, cool. I'm a good skier. I'm not a loser. I'm still five foot five. But that helps me with the slalom. You don't know how skiing works. No, of course not.

But I don't need to. This guy does. I'm six foot one. Become a skier. That's your advice for everybody. Become a skier. Your dad just owns a slope or something. Mount Southington, CT, what up?

Represent. Yeah. I mean, I'm sorry. I don't know what to tell this guy, but then he's probably a little bit too down in the dumps to try to go after. Does anybody else have any feelings on what this guy's going through? Then start your own fucking podcast. Thank you, bitch.

That was Anna. I, that's, yeah, he should get over it. She was right. There you go. We were able to ridicule her, make her feel small and still stole her knowledge as our own. Next question. Let's give it up for that question.

You just, you're drunk with power. They'll give it up. Let's give it up for tic-tacs. Don't abuse it. Let's give it up for Hitler. Right. Right, everyone. Thank you.

Let's give it up for Altoids. Let's give it up for Stalin. They're on point. They're on point. Next question. They're primed not to be racist. Stop playing dictator V. Candy. Candy always wins.

All right. Another dude's name. Gijon? Bijon. Bijon? Is that your name? If you waited that long, it's not. It is?

Your name is Bijon? Mel C. You made fun of Anna, but you're afraid to make fun of Bijon. Merci. Cool. I can't see the lights. He's really strong, right? Bijon?

Yes. Are you strong, sir? It doesn't matter. You can kick the shit out of me. Anybody named Bijon can beat me up. To be fair, Anna could beat you up. Yeah. All right.

Bijon writes. Here's my question. I'm a college student home on a summer break, and my father got me a cool job doing office work at the company he works for. I've been working here for two weeks, and I love my hours. They let me come in as early as six so I can leave at three and still enjoy my evenings and do things. My dad returns from traveling in the next two weeks, and will probably expect to do

the 30-minute commute each way with me as we don't see each other too often during the week, but his old ass won't want to arrive and leave so early. So how should I tell him that his boy doesn't want to ride with him to the job he got me without sounding like an ungrateful spoiled ass? Love Bijon. Bijon. First of all, six a.m. to three isn't great hours, and no high schooler's like, oh, this is great.

Thank God. I wake up at 5.15. I'm in the car by 5.30, and I get to work at six, and then I only have to work till three. And then you have your evenings to do what, nap until you have to go to bed? That's not that great. Yeah, Bijon. Light off the bat you're wrong about the hours, and then definitely wrong about your relationship

with your father. I think, well, you go ahead. Well, I think he's sort of stuck, or he could just tell his dad that, hey, I want to get to work early. Do you want to do that too? If he says no, you're good to go. If he says yes, you have to spend 30 minutes in a car with him, a fate worse than death. His old ass isn't going to want to get up at 6 a.m.

His old stupid ass only got you the job and provided a house. Yeah, his old stupid ass only wants to bring you to work. That's not fair. You tell your dad to fuck off. I know I've done it before. So what you want to do is you look your dad in his beady little eyes, you say, hey, dad, I know you went to law school and you provided a house for me and my family, but your family? Fuck off.

It is my family. My mom, my sister, is my little brother. That's my family. I didn't create the family, but it's still my family, don't you think? I guess. But he did. And my dad can still go fuck himself. Hey, when I say fuck you, you say, dad, fuck you, fuck you, yeah.

The worst part is he won't listen to this or anything I say ever because he's dead. Oh, no. A single sad hand. Yeah, yeah. We are gathered here today. Kanye had a funeral. Sam Harowitz. I think I like your idea of telling the dad to fuck off.

Really? No, probably not. I would say suck it up and take a 30 minute drive with your old ass dad. Right. It's the least you can do. It's the least you can do. And you won't get to drive with your old ass dad and it'll be your dead ass dad. And you'll have to commute to work alone wondering about, I wonder if I could have a good conversation

and connect you with my old man. Yeah. At the very least you could just say, tell you what, dad, I'm going to commute to work on my own on like Thursday and Friday. We'll do it together Monday through Wednesday. What? This is the most pedantic advice. Then every other Tuesday.

No, write this down, please. So this is how it works. Well, how about the first week of summer when you Monday, Wednesday, Friday? Yeah. Then Tuesday, Thursday. And then the next week we'll do the solo commute Monday, Wednesday, Friday. And then dad commute Tuesday, Thursday. We'll say July, July, June 31st to July 4th is going to be all dad commute.

Following week, you'll have July 4th off. So that's good dad time. So the following week. That's our time. Thank you so much, everybody. Yeah, we gave that. I mean, it's just a silly funny question. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

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Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Thank you. Let's get back to the sex questions. Thank you. I'm so sorry.

We need another man's name. Ruben? Ruben? Ruben as a first name? Like Ruben Stuttered? No, not like Ruben Stuttered. No, yeah, like Ruben Stuttered. Ruben Stuttered himself, right?

Rest in peace. We're not dead. Yes, he is. Ruben Stuttered? Yeah. Who can tell me for a fact that he's not dead? Do you know him? Ruben Stuttered, ladies and gentlemen.

I died four weeks ago. You were right. He lost like 200 pounds. Really? No, that's another lie. But I could lie about Ruben Stuttered all day. Nobody knows anything. That's the beauty of Ruben Stuttered.

Did he lose weight? I can't remember. Whatever. Read the question. Hey guys, I recently ran into some luck with the ladies and ended a six month dry spell. I tindered my way into meeting two chicks for drinks last week and ended up fucking one of them over the weekend.

But here's the problem. I haven't had sex in so long I ended up busting my nut after four pumps. Do you have any tips for how to last longer in bed? This girl wants to hang out again this weekend and I don't want her thinking I suck at fucking. Love, Ruben Stuttered. It seems like it's okay because he fucked her,

he did a bad job, but she still wants to hang out. So it doesn't necessarily sound like it was a... Yeah, but now that he's getting another opportunity, he doesn't want to blow it. Right. Too early. Very good. Usually yelling out is bad, but that's...

That was good. Does anyone here suffer from premature ejaculation? Is there a...? Yeah! This guy just stood up on the stage and came. He instantly came. Clapping sent him into a frenzy.

Is that considered premature ejaculation? Four pumps? I don't know, is there like an amount of pumps? Or is it like ejaculating before you even get in? Oh, that, I mean, that's... God, have you ever done that? What? Done what?

Next question. What's the quickest... What's the quickest you ever came when you were fucking someone? This is why I told my parents not to come. Good. And this is why I told your parents to come. Jerome, Rivka, come up here. They come on stage with Ruben Stuttered.

Both coming. I don't know, pretty quickly, probably four or five pumps. Four or five pumps? Yeah. And what did you do? Say, I'm sorry? I don't know, that's a good... Do you apologize that just make it worse? Maybe you say, oh, that turned me on so much

that I couldn't control myself. Thoughts? Fears, frustrations? Where do we land on that line? I don't know. Because I've been using it more than a lot. I was in a relationship for two and a half years and she always turned me on so much.

Yeah, she used to just then finish my sentence for me. Sorry, that turned me on. Oh, I know, too much, exactly right. They're... Well, four pumps isn't enough. Four pumps is not enough for her? For anyone, that's not a good, enjoyable time. I feel like if you're a guy, as long as you're orgasming,

it doesn't quite matter if it's four or four. No, because you don't want to orgasm and then feel bad after. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true. That's true, it feels bad emotionally, but physically it feels exactly the same. No, a guilty orgasm doesn't feel like... Your dick doesn't care, it's just like, yeah! Four pumps, four hundred, whatever, man!

Yeah, that's sort of like a little bit of a fantasy of mine that I just get to have sex and not worry about anything and it's just... Yeah. I just come back. Well, that's what masturbation is. It's not the same. I can't remember what we were talking about.

I think it was scheduling a dad's rides with his son. Oh, okay, so yeah, say fuck off, dad. All right, well, in my mind, if I had sex with someone... Yeah, I'm sure this has happened prematurely, ejaculated. I came too early. You just wait and then you can come again later, that's fine. Come again? Thank you.

No, I'm serious, I couldn't hear you. Come again? Come again later. Oh, yeah, yeah, come again later. Come again, come again, come again, you just come again. But what about tips for lasting longer? Tips for... I think you just have to get out of your head.

As soon as you start thinking like, oh fuck, I'm going to come too soon, then you always come too soon. No, that's not going to work. Here's what you want to do. Three schools of thought. One, think about something else. Baseball, graphing calculations.

No, no, because then you're like... First of all, then you'll come. I'm not talking about me. I used to do that and I would be like, all right, I'm having sex and I'm like, all right, think about my grandfather and sometimes when he eats... Oh, no.

I know. So he has these puddles of saliva form on the side of his mouth and it's like crumbs. Yeah. And then you start getting off to that. Drip on to the plate that he's eating and they'll come and eat it again. Yeah.

Yeah, right? Did it work? So I think about that. No, I would not. And then next time you see your grandfather... There's still friction against your penis in a web-type place. You're going to come and then you're like,

who am I? I came thinking about my grandfather. And then next time you see your grandfather, a Pavlovian response, he starts chewing, you're getting hard. What the fuck's going on? No, no, why? Let me start thinking about fucking a girl,

but it's too late. You're jizzing. So, and it's eye hop. I think... Or wherever. You came in an eye hop. You 100% came in an eye hop. I've never been so sure of anything in my goddamn life.

I was Rudy Tooty that day. Pancakes, too. I don't know, I think you just... You don't think about anything, you just embrace the fact that you came early and you decide that next time is a new time, and that's going to be okay. No, that's not going to work.

Here's another school of thought. Masturbate, before she gets there. That way, you're running low on sexual energy so you can last longer. And your penis smells like Vaseline and it's not as hard. If you masturbate, then you get another erection. It's not as hard, it's a softer erection.

Is that true? I think so. I'm not a doctor. Diminishing marginal returns for the erection. Is it inappropriate if I ask the ladies if they have had experience with guys that come too soon? Yes, it's inappropriate. I can't see...

Oh, is that the answer? That it's inappropriate? You guys have had experiences with that? Yes. Alright, I can't see anyone's face, so you're completely anonymous right now. Turn on the house lights, please. I want to see their faces while they answer this question.

I would like to know, is that like a deal breaker? If that happens once, are you like, this guy can't fuck and you forget about him? Wow, yes. So now I understand why this dude's nervous. Quick on the draw. He might have slept with a...

Yes, who knows if he slept with a no? Well, actually, it's very apropos of our next question. What? He slept with a no. They wouldn't hang out again. They wouldn't hang out again. That's 100% right. But how many...

Better at sex. How many strikes do you get before you're out? What if he whiffs again? Three pumps the next time. I'm giving him practical advice to last longer. Doesn't sex always get better the more you get to know someone? That's beautiful.

I don't know anyone. I just... But no! This next question is actually very correlated, as it were, because... Well, let me just read it. Okay. What did we call this last person?

Bijan. No, this is... Ruben, right. So we'll call this person Clay Akin. Clay Akin, right. Sorry if this is a long question. Americans sit this question out because I'm sure he won't relate.

All right. Anyway, I recently met this chick on Twitter and we quickly moved to texts and some other light flirting in the DMs. Once we moved to texts, things got sexual fast. I was telling her all sorts of things like, I'm gonna make you scream my name and we're gonna go all night.

And at the time, I thought I could. But then when we met up, she got hella freaky. I started hitting it from the back and she quickly started throwing it back hard. I just couldn't handle it. I busted a nut in one minute. I pulled out and she turned around to see my condom filled.

Her mood changed so quick and she started reading my texts sarcastically and saying things like, hmm, that didn't happen and you wish. I tried to tell her I could get it back up but she didn't want to hear it. After I left, she started posting things to Twitter about how she hates when dudes lie

about their sex game and shit. How can I get this girl to let me redeem myself and give her that good dick? Thanks in advance. Clay Aiken. That makes so much sense. So this is what he's afraid of. Right, but that's a rare circumstance.

I'll say that's a rare circumstance. Yeah. She's a sex fiend. She reads text sarcastically. She did that on purpose. You have to think the entire thing was all calculated. She threw it back to make him nut and she wanted to make him feel like a butt.

You're welcome to applaud for that rhyme. It was off the cup and it was actually more than enough. It's funny, he called me out for saying I couldn't relate and he was right, actually. I don't have any idea what he's talking about. You said you once came in for pumps. That's true. I just meant about turning a Twitter follower

into a lover of sorts. You have never done that either? No, I have not. So this is what these guys are afraid of, these girls who are, you know, going to give these dudes one chance and then say bye-bye. Right.

Everybody's not necessarily great at sex the first time. You have to like feel each other out and keep having sex and if you're attracted to their personality then you might be attracted to their body and not at first then maybe you just keep on fucking a little bit. So your advice is for that guy to tweet that sentence at her. That's probably over the character limit but maybe you can DM her and ask for her email address.

Oh, they moved to text? Yeah, so that'll fit. There we go. So just explain. He should probably, like you said, just explain, hey listen, I was just turned on for the first time but give me another chance

and I swear I can do yada yada yada. Yeah, I don't know. He might be too much in his head now. Maybe just cut and run and forget about it. Move on to the next. Yeah, I don't know. That's hard. I've been stumped.

What do you think of my masturbating before the lady comes over at you? I'm afraid you dismissed it a little too quickly. I just don't think, like if you're in your head that much to where you're masturbating before you see someone, well I guess if it's sort of placebo and quells your fears about your like performance anxiety, because I think premature ejaculation

is all performance anxiety based. I think it's a sensitivity thing. The more you masturbate the less sensitive your penis is. Right, so I think it's in your mind, I think it's like emotional, you think it's physical, you think it's like science, I think it's energy.

That's beautiful, but you're wrong. So are you. And that's what makes this perfect. Cheers. That was the sound of our dicks touching for people listening at home. We're almost at the end,

so why don't we take our break now? Thanks for the b-story! Whoa! First of all, I set the over under for when I said now to Jake's virginity story at half a second and we just barely hit the under, .43 seconds.

Secondly, Ana is the one that yelled it. It's like she wanted it and knew the entire time. Shit, that's why she came. This is the most exciting part for the live crowd and the least exciting part for the people at home because we can't let the story get out there. So what we do is

cut to commercial break for the people listening at home and if you're here. Wait, actually, you know what? This is the first time, I'm going to tell it for the people at home too. I'm just kidding, we're going to go to commercial break.

Yeah! What better time to announce our live shows in London than right now. That's right, we're returning to London for the first time since last summer. We're going to be at the O2 Shepherd's Bush Empire Theatre. I'm so sorry for pronouncing that like a dumb American. On September 8th,

we're going to be doing two shows, which is kind of a first for us because the first one is going to be our sketch and stand-up show, you know, like the same style we've been touring with, but with totally new content, new jokes, new comedy

and the second show is going to be our first ever live podcast in London. We're very excited to be coming back. You can actually buy tickets to one show or to both shows or actually to neither show, but I guess that won't be as fun.

And of course, we're going to be hanging out after the show, trying to meet as many as you as possible. People keep asking us to come to London to come back and do another show or to do a live podcast there and we're so excited we were able to do both in one magical,

I think it'll be a magical night in an awesome theatre. It's a pretty big venue, so it's going to be very, very fun. Please come by. Tickets are already selling very fast, so snatch them up while you can. Now, before we get back to the rest of the show,

a quick advertisement for another podcast in the podcast and one network. It's a basketball show called Short Corner that I actually guess hosted on last week. So if you like basketball, check it out. We run this ad on our show and then they run a If I Were You ad

on other podcasts and it helps us increase our exposure. Listen, I don't need to explain this to you guys. You know how advertisements work. Trust us, it's a good thing. All right. Off we go. My name is Paul Shirley.

And I am Justin Halpern. We do a podcast called Short Corner. Paul has gone this week, so we had guest host Amir Blumenfeld from Jake and Amir and Calla Tumor and their podcast, Rich. If I Were You on podcast1.com. So are you a big NBA fan?

Nope, never heard of it. They just plopped me down on this chair and said talk to sports, so I don't know, we'll see what happens. No, no, I am a big fan. It was magic. Do you think Paul should even come back, Rich? Why bother?

No, we miss Paul. We had him on the show, too. Find us at podcast1.com.com and let us make love to your ears. If you're listening at home, you didn't miss much. Some guy from Burlington started talking. It was weird.

I think we have time for one more question. Do you want to read this question? Nah, fuck it, I'll do it. All right. Ethan from Burlington writes... I'm a 16-year-old student in Ireland. And about a week ago, I was in class when the guy sitting next to me

stole my quite expensive jacket that I had toiled in slave for weeks to afford. I didn't exactly see him take it, but events leading up to it, and after the fact, as well as several witness testimonies have left me 100% sure it was him. I have already gone to the teachers and whatnot,

but they basically told me to fuck off. The guy who did it is a well-known thief and has been caught stealing two jackets already this year, as well as numerous school books, but he somehow keeps getting away with it. A few months ago, he put up a profile pic of him wearing someone else's stolen jacket,

but everybody seemed to just accept it. He now acts all cocky to me, though never actually admitting the crime as he has gotten away scot-free again. I feel like I need to steal something of equal value off him to get him back and teach this asshole a lesson. What would you do if you were me?

Love, Ethan from Burlington. Burlington Coat Factory. Nice. Thank you. We planted Ethan there to make that show. It was all worth it. Is there actual advice? I would say steal something bad.

What sort of caped crusader is this guy? Stealing shit, putting it online and getting away with it? Also, what sort of backward schools do they run in Ireland? Where the teachers tell you to fuck off. This kid stole my jacket. Fuck off! What does this guy have on the teachers? He's protected entirely.

Shit. Yeah, I steal something, right? I don't know. Steal your jacket back? But he has got no proof. You don't get it. You have the jacket. It's the thief.

The jacket thief. He's a well-known jacket thief? This vigilante thief in Ireland. He steals from the cold and gives to the... or steals from the warm and gives to the cold. Yeah. Thank you. Robin Hood, I got there.

Eventually, you got a Stealship Act from him, I feel it. Wait a second. I remember in third grade, Louis Rodriguez stole my X-Men cards. I know. There's no time for your spoken word poetry. Now, Louis Rodriguez was a kid on the wrong side of tracks. And I wanted these cards right back, didn't I? So I went to Miss Vashi and I said,

hey, Miss Vashi, Louis stole my cards and she said, isn't that hard? And I said, yes. This is really impressive so far. Continue. Miss Vashi, those cards were the best. Wolverine, I mean. Holy shit.

There goes Rogue and she goes nowhere. Where goes Rogue? And Louis Rodriguez, I don't know where he is. But I'll tell you where we go down to Puerto Rico where Louis's family was from and I didn't know what was to come, but I said, Louis, I know it's hard. So why don't you keep those cards?

I don't know where he is today. I don't know where he is today, but I will say, Louis Rodriguez, wherever you are, you can still keep the card. Thank you. I've locked out. Are we still talking about nothing too early? So four pumps and he was done or what?

Holy shit, dude. That would have been so impressive if I didn't catch you rehearsing it. Backstage for two hours. No, that was improvised. Give it up for Jake. And give it up for Amir, hosting the entire podcast himself.

Thank you. Wait, we do have 10 more minutes. What the fuck did you say was our last question? Because I kept one question in the bag just in case you did an amazing slam poetry for me. So we'll call this one a bonus live podcast question and we need a girl's name, a lady's name. I can't hear any name in it.

Ana. Yvonne? Ana. Full circle. Ana, what a pleasure. I'm sorry, Yvonne. This is too perfect. Ana writes.

Is it crazy to ask Ana to read it? Ana? Will you read this? As if it was you emailing us the entire time. Let's give it up for Ana. We need you to, yeah. Unless you have a microphone, she doesn't.

I'll bring mine to her. God, your legs are thin. I don't know if you heard the Jason Rodriguez shit, but that was sort of off the cuff. Alright, here's the microphone. Dear Jake and Amir, I've recently broken up with my boyfriend for a year because of a lot of reasons,

but the main reason... You're doing great. The main reason why I broke up with him is that the sex isn't that good with him. He likes getting his butt licked a lot. But never goes down on me because he thinks my pussy is too gross for him. And he can't stand the taste.

Ana, you vixen. You coy little diva. Continue. It doesn't bother me at first, mainly because of my own insecurities down there. Sure. But started getting... You don't have to repeat yourself.

I understand what you mean. Continue. But started getting annoyed at how selfish it was of him. We share a lot of interest and hobbies that I'm thinking of getting back with him after he asked me a couple of weeks after our breakup. But I don't know how to approach the issue on the pussy-licking and butt-licking part.

So here's my question. Should I get back with him and ignore the issue or is he being an ass for this? Great question. Holy shit. Let's go for Ana. She read that flawlessly. Yeah. And that was hard because this is written in Hebrew.

I don't know if you guys can see it. Modern Hebrew, she translated it on the fly. This is a fucking hard one. He wants his ass to be licked always. But on the plus side, they share a lot of hobbies. That's good. They both like... One of the interests is not oral sex.

No, yeah. He's interested in getting his ass licked, but not licking anyone's vagina. Of course. That's gross. That's gross. Who wants the lick of vagina? You know what it tastes like. Anyway, eat my ass.

Vagina is... Buttholes, specifically mine. Yeah. Young. I'm not going down on you, a place where you probably wash a lot, but I would like you to eat where poopoo comes out of. You know, don't worry.

I do wipe it a couple of times with dry paper. Smearing the shit around, but never washing the area. I'm not against ass licking. I'm just against the double standard. So I resent that you calling an asshole dirty. It's all beautiful. I don't want to go down there and start tasting salty Snickersnacks.

It doesn't... It doesn't taste like that. Have you ever washed your asshole? No one ever licks my asshole. And wait, have I ever washed... Yes, specifically your asshole? Specifically the anus. Of course.

How deep did you get? Deeper than a tongue would? Answer my question. Did you get deeper than a tongue would in your asshole when you washed it? Because if not, you're asking the girl to eat your shit. You're a shit eater. And then wipe that shit eating grin off your face.

How dare you? First of all, I've never asked a girl to eat my asshole, but it is clean enough for it to be eaten. I resent the accusation. And I've eaten plenty of girls' assholes and none of them tasted like shit. They all... They all taste beautiful.

All you ladies and men out there have beautiful little rosebud anuses. Rosebud ani. Yeah, I said that. That's what Citizen Kane was based on, right? So... This girl should... This guy just misses getting his asshole licked, right?

Yeah. It's been a few weeks, and I haven't found anyone who will lick my asshole without at least asking for an explanation or oral sex reciprocated. So can we get back together because you were the only girl who I got to lick my butt

without having to do anything. And girls are so beautiful and pristine. She's actually considering it. This guy should have a lonely asshole forever. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. No? Is there anybody out here who wants to lick this guy's asshole?

Mixed reviews. Mostly silent. Two yeses and one no. And 193 abstains. 193 ass stains. I apologize. Don't. Unequivocally, I apologize for that.

This guy... You shouldn't get back with the ass-licker guy. And if you do, you should broach up... But not just because he wants his ass licked. That's fine. You shouldn't do it because he calls your pussy gross. Yeah. She says she has...

She has her own insecurities about this or about her vagina. It's probably stemming from the fact that she's eaten his butt hole and thought that was any more sanitary than him going down on her. So our suggestion is can we get a leave that asshole chant?

Or not even a chant, just a single time scream. Right. Sort of like a one, two, three. Leave that asshole! That's our time. Thank you so much for coming, everybody. And thanks again to Anna.

Special thanks. If you like this show, we do it in the privacy of our own home every Monday and sometimes on Thursday at IfIWereYouShow.com. Thanks so much for coming, everyone. And thanks for listening. Goodbye.

Thank you. If IWereYouShow.com