If I Were You - 88: Walmart (with Eliza Hurwitz)

Episode Date: July 10, 2014

Jake's little sister Eliza joins us to discuss texting and driving. But not at the same time.This episode is brought to you by NatureBox -- Delicious, nutritious snacks delivered to your door!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

If I were you, here's what I'd do. I'd seize the cheese. Help me out please. Always I know this show is hashtag dope. Don't kill yourself in a Starbucks. The pigeon on here are finally here. We need some advice. Don't put us on class. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la. Yeah. It's a theme song by Tom DeLong himself. I'm in at age 12. Hey, Liza Hurwitz is here.

Hi. Jake's little sister. Hi. How are you? Good, how are you? I want to get to you soon, but I just want to give these guys credit. That was Eva and Astrid.

Ooh, Astrid's a cool name. Yeah, and I think their band's name is Authentic Tangerine, because that's what came up when I put it into iTunes. That's cool. So thanks, guys, for that Blink 182 homage. Liza, you've never heard the show before. No, I haven't.

I'm really sorry. Well, at least you're a family member. I think everyone else, even dads, heard the show before. I really, I don't know why I didn't listen to it. I will now. I do, because you hate me. No, I'm sorry. Has everybody else in your family listened to it?

I know that Rachel has. I know that my brother has. I know my mom and dad have. I guess I'm not sure if Sarah or Hannah has. Liza, anytime. I think Sarah has. I don't think Hannah has. It's tough.

We've only, to your defense, we've only had 86 episodes, and it's only been a year. But that's when it gets tricky, because it's like, I should have listened to the first one, and now there are so many. Yeah, let's do it. Where do I start? Yeah.

Are you even going to listen to this one? Probably not, because I don't like the sound of my voice. No, I'll listen to it. All right, cool. The only one you listen to is the one you're listening to. I know that's it. Maine Munch. Have you ever seen an episode of Jake and Mia, the web series

they did for College Humor? Yeah, I watched them. Or do you not give a shit about me at all? I watch all of them. That's not true. Nobody watches all of them. Do you watch all of them? I have watched a lot of them.

I even watch all of them. Well, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me and your brother. I'm Jake. And I'm Amir. And you want to introduce yourself again? My name is Eliza Hurwitz. Do you go by Eliza or Eliza?

Or just Eliza with an L? Eliza. Oh, you do tell people Eliza. Well, I don't tell them. I just say my name and then expect them to do it too. But I don't mind Eliza either. I say Eliza. You do?

Yeah, I don't mind. Well, I say a small fry. Yeah. Sometimes I call you French fry. Sometimes I call you Frenchy. Yeah. Little Frenchy. She doesn't appreciate that.

Really? Yeah. Wow. Apologies. So do you have any idea how this podcast even works? No. OK. Well, I'll explain it to you and to anybody

who hasn't listened before. Basically, people write us emails and they need advice. They write it to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. Then we comb through all of these emails and choose like four or five to answer on the show. Cool. We read real emails from real people, but give them fake names so that it preserves their anonymity.

Yeah. Yeah. Can you come up with fake names for us while we answer these questions? Sure, I'll try. OK. I like your can-do attitude. Thank you.

Thank you. All right. I need a guy's name. Dale. That's perfect. Just Dale? Oh, I did that's it? I don't know if you can go with that.

No, you can go with the last I do. No, I'll just do Dale. He just goes like Dale. I was going to say Dale Earnhardt, but then I didn't want to. All right, B. All right. Dale, maybe Earnhardt writes, hey guys, I was at a Walmart the other day when something odd happened. A cashier approached me as I was leaving and gave me her number.

She said, I've seen you around here. Call it and handed me her digits. Now, this girl is not bad looking at all, a smoke show if you may, but the problem is she's got a grody tattoo of Wisconsin on her forearm. This plus the fact that she works at a Walmart is quite off-putting. Should I call this cow or leave this heifer to graze?

It would be great if you could advise me out of the sticky situation. Thanks, Dale. Liza, what do you think? I think I don't like the way he called her a cow, and I don't like the way he's judging her job. Everyone has to work. That's very sweet, but this she-cow works

through a fucking Walmart. I think she has cows. Who are she? She's not a bull. Yeah, so a lot of the emails we get are from really weird, mean people. Mean folks. But, well, OK, let's zoom out a little bit. Can you imagine somebody having a job,

and just based on their job, you wouldn't go out with them? I guess if they worked at American Apparel? It would I go out there. I can't work there anymore. I guess it depends what the job. I wouldn't go out with somebody that was like a male stripper. Oh, like a pornographic job. Yeah.

Well, whatever a person's working like, a Walmart, let's say, would that affect your view of him? I guess it probably would, unfortunately. Bitch. D-bag. He just realized he haven't listened to an episode of the show. That's why he's mad. Well, this guy's shopping at Walmart.

I think it's one thing if you're at a bar, you're at a bar, and you're a businesswoman, and you meet some dude who's drinking a Budweiser, you're like, what do you do? He's like, I work at Walmart. I'm a greeter. So you think, oh, this guy doesn't have any ambition or something.

But this dude's shopping at Walmart. He doesn't know anything about this girl's story. She might be perfectly nice. She might be putting her way through college. She might be putting her way through art school. Maybe she's an artist. Maybe this guy's so liberal that he considers Walmart the man, and that's his view.

Well, then why is he shopping there? Because he's trying to take it down from the inside. I don't understand why you call there a smoke show, and then a cow and say either. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I don't think the cow is a fat joke. I think he was saying that. He was just saying, should I take this animal in

or leave her out to graze? Either way. He didn't decide to use a cow. I think that he's, at the very least, he's a bad writer. So what would you suggest? What would you do? What about the tattoo? Let's talk about that.

It doesn't sound grody, Wisconsin tattoo. It doesn't necessarily sound grody. That's like him putting his opinion on it. Yeah, if anything, this girl is too good for him. She's got a cool tattoo. Loves Walmart. Works there. She's working hard.

Yeah. What about the actual move of a girl handing a guy her number? Is that a little off-putting? Eliza, you work in the services industry. Can I say where you work? I don't care. OK, you work at American Apparel. If a cute guy came in, would you ever hand him your number?

No, just because I'm not that type of person. You're shy. Yeah. Yeah. So I wouldn't do that. But I would say more power to people who can. Right, to the ladies out there. Yeah.

Woo. What if a guy did that to you while you were shopping somewhere? Somebody, well, when I was working at American Apparel once, a guy did give me his number. Whoa, what did he say? How did he do it? He was from France, and he was only there for two days in New York.

Then he just wanted one thing, a tour of the city. Yeah, a t-shirt. He wanted a free t-shirt, I bet. He bought a hoodie, so. What did he say? How did he say it? How do you hit on someone who works at American Apparel? If you're French, you don't even have to do anything.

You're like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh, fromage, yeah, yeah. Is that what he did? Was his phone number weird, like plus 4401182123? His phone number was like, on-de-tois. No, yeah. Yeah, that's just, you're discounting.

No, dude, his phone number was probably, his phone number was probably fucking tois. I swear to God, I swear to the French God. I swear to the French press, this dude's phone number was fucking tois. His phone number was not tois, was it? No. OK, yeah, I didn't think so.

He gave me his Facebook information. Did you follow up with him at all? Yeah, it was Valentine's Day, we went on a date. Really? Wait, you went out with him? Yeah, but like, I went on a day date, so it was fine. A date with a wife. Did you kiss him?

We did. What? You're French, you're Frenchman. No, I shouldn't be finding this out on the podcast. No, it was honestly the weirdest day of my life. I just like woke up and met. I feel like you guys knew this story, but you're both bombarding me.

This was a coy plot. It wasn't coy at all. Did you guys talk about this on the podcast? Did you guys talk about talking about this? No. What the fuck happened? What was this frog's name? Alexander.

Alexander? Why are you against him? I don't know. So this guy asked you out in American Apparel, and you said, look me up on Facebook? Well, he gave me his number. I was like, I don't want to call or anything. So then I just Facebook messaged him.

How did you have his first and last name? He gave it to me on a piece of paper. He wrote like his first name and his last name and his phone number. And then he was like, I'm on Facebook in the know. I don't know. I should have saved the note. That would have been nice.

Oh, well. Then you Facebook messaged him. He responded, and he's like, can I take you out sometime? Yeah. And you're like, OK. Yeah. Was he like 40? No, he was my age.

Oh, wow. Yeah. OK, so then where did you go? I don't want to know more questions about this. I want to know. We went to Cafe Grumpy. Oh, that's cute. Yeah.

Yeah. But it was really snowy that day. So I mean, that's kind of rude. That's nice. It's romantic. Then what happened? That's enough. And that was it.

That was it. Where did he kiss you? It was a gross area in the lower east side. No, I'm saying on your face. She said it was a gross area on the lower east side of her body. The lower east side, like your knee? Yes. He got on his knees and kissed my knees.

Kissed my small little knees. What the fuck? Have you? And you? I can't talk about it anymore. And you haven't seen him since? No. All right.

He's back in France. Whoa. What's no excuse? What? Yes, it is. You can still Facebook message him. All right, so back to this guy. I'm reeling.

I don't know what to do. To think that a Frenchman kissed a Hurwitz. Should I call this cow or leave her to graze? I guess leave her alone, not because she's low class, because you're super judgmental and you're shallow. You should leave her alone. You should leave her alone on the way around. He's judgmental and shallow.

I once got a girl who worked at Home Depot. But that's cool. I guess. Yeah, when a girl works at Home Depot, it's like, oh, it's cool to date, like a handy woman. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, she wasn't working in the wood shop at Home Depot.

She was doing customer service at Home Depot. What did you do? How did you get her number? I was buying. What did I buy? Weren't you buying stuff for the Christmas party? No. Oh, we got her number, too.

You got two girls' numbers who work at Home Depot? Yeah. Jesus. I'm very talkative at the register. Oh, I see. And this girl, I was getting like a, let's just say I bought a hammer. I don't know what it actually was.

It was in Los Angeles when I first lived here two years ago or something. And she was giving me my receipt. And she's like, oh, if you fill out the survey, you get 20% off. And she was, actually, you know what? And she wrote down her number. And she was like, use that.

And I was like, OK. And then I looked at her number and I was like, that's crazy. And she was kind of cute. And I started texting her. And then she was totally nuts. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. She was like, I was just texting her.

I was like, yeah, what are you up to? She's like, oh, I'm looking for a relationship. I was like, oh, I'm not. You ended up dating her for three years, though. Yeah, we moved to France together. Yeah. It was you, her, Alexander. All right, so what would you do if you were him?

I would get over yourself in text her. She might be cool, even though you're not. Liza? Yeah, I say go for it. All right, that's two go for it and one go fuck yourself. So overall, I say go fuck yourself and go for it. Oh, yeah, get over yourself, basically, and go for it. All right.

How'd you feel about that as your first question, solid? Yeah, it was good. All right. OK, ooh, I need another guy's name. You want to think of it? No, you're the guest. I do this shit all the time, baby. It's not that you would know, baby.

Evan. Evan? Yeah. Why not? I couldn't think of anything else. I was pretty upset when I thought of it. She just thought of Alexander. Only all the names she could think of for the rest

of the show are Alexander. Hey, guys. I'm in high school and I just broke up with my girlfriend of eight months. She was great, but we talked way too much and she seemed like she was lying a lot and the cons just outweighed the pros. But after we broke up, she made me feel bad

by talking about how sad she was a lot. We were going to try to stay friends, but her sadness is really bothering me. Should I talk to her and try to help, completely leave, or just tell her how I feel? Thanks. Love, Evan. Evan.

Hey, Evan. There's a world out there to be de-scared. I think that's good. Next question is this. So have you ever broken up with someone? No, I only get broken up with. She said through a strange smile. Alexander broke my heart.

So when you break up with someone, there's this thing where they become sad, but you can't help them because you just broke up with them. You're the person that made them sad. Yeah. In my callous viewpoint, the best part of breaking up is folges in your cup. Nice.

But actually, the best part of waking up, the best part of breaking up is the fact that you don't have to deal with this person's emotions anymore. You made them sad, but you can't help. All you do is leave them to figure it out by themselves. And I've got the opposite problem, where I don't care about anyone's emotions

while I'm together. I'm a piece of shit. And then when we break up, I'm like, oh, no, don't be sad. Don't be sad. You're going to be good. You'll be good. You'll be fine. I care so much now.

Without you. But do you actually care? You just don't want them to be sad at you. I really, really, really, really, really care. Holy shit, what just happened? I was a doctor's friend. Your phone is already the most cracked piece of equipment I've ever seen.

That could have only helped. Oh, wait, you do care after you break up? I care so much. Why? I don't know, because I just feel so guilty. I feel like I ruined everything. I feel like I fucked up someone's life, so I want to make things right.

And I want to check in, and I want them to be happy. So maybe there is a happy meeting. Would you say if somebody, have you ever gone through a bad breakup? Yeah, I get sad for a long time, but I think it's best if the person just lets you be by yourself, because they're the person that's causing all the problems.

Right, like they can't be like, I'm sorry. I guess what happens a lot of the time is that the other person gets really sad, and maybe can overinflate it in hopes that they will make the other person feel so bad that they'll stick around, not that this person is doing that. I respond to that stuff, though. I think some people do, and some people don't.

Sometimes, if I broke up with someone and they were like, please, I just need to see you. We have to talk. I can't sleep. I would just be like, all right, I'll come over, and we'll figure this out. Yeah, but that's so dangerous. And then you're there, and the only thing that's

going to make them feel better is you hugging them. So then you start hugging, and then people start grinding on each other, and then you end up having sex. And then it's like, all right, what are we doing? That made us feel better for a little bit, but now we have to be sad and leave each other all over again. The better way to do it is definitely your way. Which is just cut it off entirely.

Yeah, but I've gotten in trouble with that way, where the other person's like, why are you being so cold and mean to me? Why are you angry? Well, they always come back to you, and they're like, hey, I'm over it now, and I realized what you did was nice. No, but maybe they feel that way, and don't tell me that. I think if you're like, I think the thing to do

is always present it, to not actually just be super cold and be like, I'm not going to see you and let them get over it, and know in your heart you're doing the right thing. I think it's to be like, listen, I do care about you, and it's not because I don't that I'm ignoring you, but I think the best thing I can do for you is to just be completely upfront, completely honest,

and tell you there's no chance of us getting back together, and I'm only telling you this not because I want to hurt you, but because I want you to start healing right away. I care about you. That's nice. That's, yeah, I think that's a good, that would be good. I just broke up with a mirror. Or you lie to her and be like, let's get back together,

but you act like such a scumbag that you hope that she breaks up with you. Right, then you come to her and you're super sad, you're like, please get back together with me, and she's like, no, no, I can't, and then you're like, see, this is how it felt when you did it to me, bitch, two years ago. This last two years has been a long con.

What were you about to say? The same, well, yeah, the same thing. Yeah, honesty. Yeah. Honesty is the best policy. I've always said that. I've always said that, never done it, never followed through. I can't wait to break up with someone again.

I'm gonna use this advice so well. I think, well, I think you have, I've gotten better break up to break up to break up. Like my first one, is the sloppiest, ugliest, worst thing ever that like lasted months. Right, like half break up. And then the last one was just like,

lasted a day and it's clean break. Yeah, that's it. That's the way to do it, of course. But it took me, it was literally 10 years of dating. That was like the span of my first relationship to my, you know, like my first relationship when I was like 18 and my last one was when I was 28. Yeah, well this guy's in high school

so this is his first one. There you go. So we're giving him advice that'll fast forward him 10 years. This is a goddamn shortcut, bro. You're welcome. You're welcome. Evan, you, Evan.

Hey, Evan. There's a world out there to be diskevined. All right, that's it. Anything else we have to say to this guy? Go fuck yourself. Wow. Well, I just said good luck and I said go fuck yourself. I was just sitting with the theme from the last guy.

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Third question, let's give this guy another fake name. Dorian. All right, Dale, Evan and Dorian. All right, ready? This one's a little crazy. I don't know why. Well, I don't know either. I read this as someone who's like very ADD

and like just had a chocolate milkshake. Ready? Dear divas, I'm getting my license within the month. I'm 17 but legit one of the best drivers I know. I've already got a car, she's a rust trap but she does some sick front real drive burnouts. It's totally legit. Anyway, I've already promised mad people

including my ex-girlfriend and a girl I wanna ask out. She seems DTF but I know the car's gonna help me get there. Also, this guy's who's sort of my cousin but sort of not like who I went to pre-K with or some shit, wants a ride too but he says his mom is a diva roach and doesn't trust teenagers to drive so two questions I have really.

Number one, should I give a ride to the ex-girl, the other girl or one of my friends or someone else and two, do I trust that this kid's mom will be cool with it since we're kind of family and we've known each other since pre-K? Love? Dorian. What?

Get the car back. I don't even. This guy's so jazzed to get a new car. He doesn't realize he could take multiple people on multiple rides. Yeah, I don't understand that. That's so weird. It was just sort of a funny question

that made me laugh because I don't even know what we could say. He's just so easy. Is there some specific spot he's going to? No, it's just like who do I give a ride to? Yeah, I was that way when I got my license for the first time. Well, you want to know who to give a ride to?

When I got my license for the first time, it was like out of a teen movie, like the girl that I had a crush on, like this really cute girl was like, if you get your license today, call me. Really? Yeah. And I was like, oh my God, I need to get it.

I'm totally going to get laid. And did it work? Well, this girl that was super cute wanted to hang out. And my other two friends wanted to hang out. So I picked them up. Then we picked these two girls up and my friends hooked up with them.

Jake, if you get your license today, I will totally hook up with your friends. Yeah, that's exactly what happened. It's just you fucking jazzed your driving. They lived like really far. They lived on the other side of town too. It was like 20 minute drive out and I got lost. And also since I was driving,

everybody else got high and I didn't. It's like getting my license. It's an absolute curse. Two friends going out in the backseat, two friends making out next to you. You're just like really pumped about being able to drive. So just going through the Wendy's drive through. Guys, what do you want?

If you don't tell, if you don't stop kissing, I'm just gonna order you whatever. When I got my license, I went to, there was an easy DMV and a hard DMV. So I went to the easy DMV, but I was so like not good of a driver that you can basically do 15 little mistakes and still like up to 15 minute little mistakes

and get your license. So we did our drive and I parked the car and she's like, well, you got 15 wrong. So I'm hesitant to even give it to you. But isn't it 15 or less? And she's like, yeah, well, I still have to give you your license. I'm like, all right, great, thanks.

And then she was like, but honestly, you really want to like, yeah, whatever, whatever I got. I already got out of the car and left it in drive. It's a neutral drifting down the hill. This doesn't count. This does not count. You said I had it. Liza, you failed your license test a lot

and only got it. No, I only failed it once. And then I just quit driving until I was 23. And then you got it the first time? Yeah, I got it the first time. How old are you now? 25. Wait, so you failed it once when you were 16?

When I was 16. And then for seven years, you're like, I'm just not gonna drive. And then two years ago. Well, it's not like I did it intentionally. It's just like, I just hated driving and then years went by and I didn't do it. And you live in New York, so you don't need it.

But then two years ago, you're like, all right, I'm gonna practice again and get it. Yeah, because I didn't know where I would live and I would just want my license in case. But now that you have it, you hate driving. I never drive. I drove one time after I got my license to Walgreens and that was it.

That was the last, you only drove once after you had your license? No, I drove twice. I drove to just grocery stores. You crashed into the side of a Walgreens. Are you a bad driver or are you just nervous? I'm bad and nervous. What's the worst two things you could be? I'm nervous and bad all the time at driving.

Yeah. See, I haven't driven in how long? Years, a year and a half maybe. And I don't want to drive again. Just not interested. Yeah. So I don't know what to tell this guy other than you could drive multiple people.

I also think it's funny that this, this dude's mom is a roach and she doesn't trust teenage drivers. And they're already talking about like, your rust bucket doing it from wheel burnouts. Of course, I don't trust you to drive either. Nobody should let their daughter in your car, your ex-girlfriend or this girl who's DTF

that you expect to fuck you because you have a car. And then you're like weird hillbilly half-cousin, not really a cousin. I just don't think you should drive. When I was 15 or 16, I felt so old. I was like, God, I'm so ready to drive already. And now that I'm like double that age, I look, I'm like, these kids shouldn't be able to drive.

They're not ready. Yeah, it's insane that you, like a 16 year old gets a car. A 15 year old gets to practice. But then also like you drive around on the streets now and like 40 year olds are terrible drivers too. It's not like- Right, there's only one way to get better

and that's to practice. Yeah, and like some people suck and some people are good. I feel like a 15 year olds could be a decent driver if they're like paying attention. Right. But how bad were you when you first got your license? Do you remember being bad? I don't remember being a very bad.

I guess I- I think you were just a naturally good driver. Thank you. You're welcome. I'm a calm driver. I'm a good driver, I think. Not that I would. I remember like one time, like there were so many times

where like, whoa, that I almost could have died. Like that was close. There's like little things that you learn along the way. Yeah, I remember once I was driving across the country with my other sister and we were like on the highway. And I saw a mini golf place like off the exit. I was like, ooh, mini golf.

And I realized I'd like drifted halfway into the other lane. I like swerved, caught myself. And I just realized like, if I had died- You're my last words. My mom was like, what happened? What were you guys talking about? I was like, oh, he just said, ooh, mini golf. And then flipped the truck over.

I remember one time I was on a hill going up to school and I was like 17. And for some reason at the time I couldn't compute that like putting my foot on the brake would stop the car. So like I would drift backwards and then I would press on the gas and like drift forward and then drift backwards. And I was like, my range was getting longer

and longer with every time I would like drift back and press gas and like I almost hit a car. I was like, but there's nothing I can do. There's nothing I can do. I don't know. I can't like, and then after we left I'm like, oh, I could have just put my foot on the brakes. But for some reason when I'm such a bad driver

I was just like pressing my gas pedals drifting up and then letting the car- Oh my God. That's so dangerous. Like a pendulum. Jesus Christ. Yeah, well, I don't know. Give everyone a ride.

That's the beauty of the license. It doesn't expire. They can't take it away from you, regardless of how many DUIs you get. Jesus, they can absolutely take it away from DUIs. Oh yeah. Don't drink and drive. That's my tip.

Anything else? Nope. All right. At this point in the show, Eliza, we usually just take a break, chill out and relax. I don't say anything. Just to breathe there. Yep.

You don't really. You don't really. Usually after 10 minutes. Yeah, quick 10 minutes. It lets people who are listening while at the gym or on a car reflect. Yeah. What's your favorite memory of me?

Do you really want me to answer? Yeah. Yeah, when you think of Jake between the ages of 10 and 16 or something, what's a one story that pops in your brain? Well, when we were really little, we went sledding and it was like really slippery. That's a nice story about me.

This is a nice one. And I fell down the hill. Both of us fell. And I just got like a scratch on my arm or leg or something. But Jake like carried me all the way home. And when we got home, we found out that he had dislocated his shoulder. Carrying you.

No. You little diva. I think my mom might have told that story on the podcast. Oh, she did? I don't know. Do you have any ones that make Jake seem less honorable? One. Well, there were a couple.

Do you remember when I, I think I hit you with, I was pretty violent when I was little and I hit Jake with like the sleeves of my sweatshirts and he was crying. No. Yeah. There was one time where I was like playing with a race car

and like you want it to play and I punched you really hard in the stomach. I don't remember that. Yeah, we were all very violent when we were little kids. Yeah. I remember, I used to give Liza my, Liza was like a tomboy. She had her hair very, very short.

And I used to give Liza my old clothes. And then like she would look cooler than I did. Cause like, I don't know. She was like, they were like cool and baggy on her. So I was like, Yeah, like awesome. I would take them back. But they didn't look cool.

People thought I was a boy and I was sad. Was that the way you differentiate yourself from your other triplet sisters? I didn't, I don't think I did it intentionally. It was just like something that happened. Was it hard to be a triplet? We've never had a triplet on the show. Oh yeah.

You're one of three. Yeah. No, I, it was really nice to have sisters there with me all the time. Which one do you like more? Rachel or Sarah? I love them both the same. I know.

You had to say, we'll turn the mics off. I can't. Yeah, okay. So we're not rolling around. Who do you love more? Sarah or Rachel? I could never decide. But if you had to choose, went to kill.

Oh my God. Oh, Rachel. I'm just gonna choose that a fuller life. What was, what's been the highlight of your trip to Los Angeles? Ooh, this is, oh, going to that Cha-Cha lounge last night, that was fun. You told me you love Uber.

Yeah. Oh, I love Uber, I love Uber so much. And what about you ate a strawberry for the first time? Oh my God, I'm forgetting. There have been so many great times. Yeah, I ate a strawberry. I never liked strawberries. And then I decided to try one and I loved it.

Well, I didn't love it. I was like, I could get used to it. I didn't hate it. Have you had one since? Today I didn't. I was like, I don't really want to, I don't want one again. But I think I'll, I might try one later. That's amazing.

Thank you. Thank you. We should mention that we have another live show in London. Or in addition to the London show, due to popular demand, we're going to Manchester for the first time. Ever been to Manchester? No.

I guess it's several hours north of London. And we had a lot of people saying, hey, if you're already coming to the UK, you should come to London. So we are, we're doing that same like one regular show with Streeter, me and Jake. And then one podcast later in the night. And that's going to be at the Lowry, the day after our London shows.

So if you're in London, you can see us on Monday, September 8th. And if you're in Manchester, you don't have to come down to London anymore. Boom, baby. You can see us. And you already bought your ticket for London and you live in Manchester.

Tough luck. Idiots, you jumped on the tickets too fast. Come see us twice. It's at a place called the Lowry, Pier 8, and then it's a Salford Quays. I don't know. I mean, this country is so fucking backwards. Have you ever been there, Liza?

No. They're so dumb over there. They drive on the wrong. It's almost as bad as France. Yeah, it really is. But yeah, come check us out. We love you guys almost as much as we love France. Is there anything else to talk about?

Should get back into it. Let's do it. 10 more minutes of sustained silent reading. Just the sounds of magazines ruffling. All right. Ooh, okay. One, or no. Yeah, one or two more questions.

We need another guy's name. Get creative. Go crazy, girl. Um, oh my God. No, I was gonna say Mel. That's really funny. Mel's great. Go crazy.

Okay, Mel. That is a weird name, to be sure. Is Mel Gibson's full name Melvin Gibson? Melanie. Melanie Gibson? I'm gonna look it up right now. You think his full name is Mel? Melvin?

Yes or no? I don't think Mel Gibson is his real name. I think that's his stage name. I feel like it's Donald Goring. Whoa. Really? No. Weird.

His full name is Mel? Calm Siley Gerard Gibson. What? C-O-L-M, hyphen. That's not true. C-I-L-L-E. Calm Silly? I don't know.

He's from Australia. I mean, this country is so backwards. He's from Australia? He was born in New York but then moved to Sydney when he was 12. He's Australian. I'll give him that. All right, Mel writes.

Hey guy, oh, sorry. Hey Jake, I need some guidance about texting. I can do that. I'm friends with this girl who I would say I'm friends with but not close with. Here's my problem. She texted me out of the blue and it surprised me as I didn't think we were more than acquaintances.

We've talked for an hour, so afterwards I felt like I owed her a text in return. So I texted her the next day and it went great. So I texted her again the next day and it was also toda. I want to stay in touch with this girl and keep our friendship at the texting level. But the ratio of people starting the text is two to one in favor of me

and it would feel strange to outweigh who starts the conversation. Am I overthinking it? And if I am and should text her, what is worth saying to start a conversation? Thanks. Amir, feel free to bring your brain in on the ratio part. Oh, that's cool.

I'm like dating, I'm like girl advice, but when it comes to math, that's what you're gonna do. Yeah, like I have to explain the numbers. That's, he's, am I overthinking it? Yes. You think so? Yeah. If he's starting every text conversation every day?

They're going great. But what if he didn't text? What if she never texted him? I guess I would probably be like, I'm gonna take a two day break and see what happens. That's it, that's it. As in a one day off? One day, like one day I don't text,

the next day I don't text, the third day, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, and then see if she texts you and if she doesn't ever text her again. Are you aware of these texting games? Yeah, Jake is so good at texting. But like, what is that? Oh, texting games and for me,

I'm just so bad at texting and I would just, I think the guy normally texts the girl. So I think it's normal that he's texting her first so often. So if you liked a guy, if he texted you every day, you'd be like, this is good, you would never text him to start, you would text him to be. Well, depending on what they text,

if they were weird texts, I'd be like, this is weird, I don't want to get these texts. If it's going great. Yeah, if it's going well, then I would, I think texts every day is nice. But what if he didn't text you? Would you text him the next day? Or would you be like, no,

it's his job to start the conversation? I think I would text him if there was something to say. Yeah, I probably would text him, I probably would text him because I would get, I get nervous. All right, like, oh, it's just like the pure heart rule. Just like, if you feel like there's something organic that you want to say and you're like thinking of it,

do it, text her, don't like sit there being like, what can I text her? Because that'll feel forced. And like, then she might be thinking the same thing and text you. So like, do it if you feel like it, don't do it if you don't. Don't like try to force yourself to text her

to keep this conversation thing going. But I would also say two things. One, girls don't have to be good at texting. We'll get to that later. And two, if you don't text her and she would never text you, then it's not a good relationship. She's only responding to your texts. Right, she should be texting you too.

But it sounds like the texting conversation is going great. So like, there's a back and forth that's good. It's not like he's texting her and she's like being a cold fish and he like is fighting and then they give up and then he tries again the next day. In that case, I'd be like, don't do any of this anymore. But like, he initiates a conversation and it goes great. Next day initiates a conversation, goes great.

Keep that up, that's fine. That's to da, indeed. And to your girls don't need to text anything good. That's 100% right. And in fact, sometimes when they're not great textors, we're like, fuck, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to play this game. Yeah, girls can do whatever they want.

You're being pursued. You can send weird texts, you could send late texts, you can text right away or wait six hours. Really, I never thought I overthink everything. You've got all the power. You should have never texted Alexander. I'm telling dad. Mom, you're listening, tell dad.

Mommy, mommy, you're a little golden child made out with a French man. I don't think that's okay. You're the golden child? I think I am, I think I am. I think I am, I am. That's the sign of good parents is that every child thinks they're the golden child.

No chance in hell Rachel thinks she's the golden child. Well, she's the only one who is like, you know. She's the black sheep. She's seemingly doing pretty well for herself. No way. I'm doing the best, I have a podcast. That's the hardest thing you can do. You know, hard work does it.

We gotta put them on it. We gotta prove my iTunes are crying out loud. I don't need my parental approval. Steve Jobs approved me. Boom, baby. What was I gonna say about texting? Oh, there is something to waiting. I think waiting is a very underutilized technique

in the texting game. Man, waiting is grading. How so? Waiting is grading. It's just a fact that I'm stating. Would you say waiting is degrading? Waiting is degrading and it's a little grading. It's just a fact that I'm stating

and I know the opinion is undulating but when a girl is ovulating, it is a fight worth fading. It is a little cast rating if they don't participate in the waiting. There's just, waiting always seems to be a good idea. It's true, it's just sometimes so hard to me, waiting is maybe a good move

but I don't wanna sit there with my stomach and knots for a day being like, I made a good move. To me, a good move is just having my conscience clear. So I'll send a text and I'm like, I don't have to think about it now. I've put this out there. I'm not waiting for her wondering if she's thinking about me. You wanna hit the tennis ball to the other side of the court.

Yeah, and just the ball's out of, the ball's in her court. I don't have to think, I don't have to do anything. I'm not talking about waiting a day but like a couple hours always seems to be, it doesn't have a negative effect. Do you ever like, oh, this person texts me, I should not text him back right away?

Or do you not? No, I like texting right away. I mean, that's the point of it. Right. Getting back. No wonder you don't have a boyfriend. You're dead serious. I'm so sad.

What'd you say? I said, I'm so sad. I'm fine. You're not fine. Have you ever had somebody else text for you or like group think that? Jake helps me text sometimes. Oh really?

But I guess now it doesn't matter what a girl texts so I shouldn't care as much. Exactly, I'll never help you again. That's the most help I can give you. Okay. You're ready to fish yourself. Yeah. I always send my texts to like Sarah or Rachel.

Well, not every text but like, you know. Yeah, you never think about the effort that the other person's putting in. Like whenever I text someone, I'm like, ooh, that took a really long time. And then like, I just assumed the lady on the other end is just firing it off without even thinking about it. I don't know, I think they think about it too.

Right. Maybe they are also group, focus grouping. Everybody like stresses about something. Maybe she's not thinking about text but she's thinking about something else. Everyone's thinking about something. Everyone's over analyzing something. When it comes to relationships, yes, every time.

Until like the what year mark is, do you finally get to meet the actual person? I don't know. By then it's too late. You're like, it's three years before you actually know what the person's like and they're unfiltered. But then you can finally stop worrying about texting them

when you're married. Yeah, and you can finally start worrying about how to break up with them because the actual person that they are when the facade is torn down is not anybody that you want to be with. Tota, we've come full circle. We're out of time.

How fast did that fly by? Yeah, that went by so fast. That was so fun. Can you believe that was six hours? Oh my God. It's dark. Thanks for coming on the show. Thanks for having me.

Do you have anything you want to plug or mention? Where can we find you? I have a Twitter. Oh yeah? Just my name, at Eliza Hurwitz. Whoa, how'd you get that? Elysea, Elysea, what about your Eliza Hurwitz too? Just in case everybody misheard you in the beginning.

What about? And I have a Tumblr, ElizaHurwitz.tumblr.com. What about your videos with your sister? Oh, and I do videos with my sister Rachel. It's just on her YouTube account. Which is what? Rachel Hurwitz. A-E-L.

Yeah. All right. People submit their own theme songs to the show, so every single show starts and ends with a completely original theme song. That first one was written by Eva and Astrid. What did I say their names were? Oh yeah, Authentic Tangerines.

Authentic Tangerines. And this last one is by a duo named Rudy and Jesse. It's short, but it's sweet. Indeed. Thanks again, Eliza. And we'll be back next week. Bye. That's right.

If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, the podcast show.