If I Were You - 96: The Fly (w/ Sarah Schneider!)

Episode Date: August 18, 2014

Our friend Sarah Schneider joins us to discuss underwear, oral sex, and the fear of rejection.This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com, Slugbooks.com, and MeUndies.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

let's get started because this is uh... this is a special sarah schneider episode we finally got it we got we landed her we landed we got her we got schneider folks we got schneider hook line and schneider uh... yeah let's get started enjoy oh wait jesus christ that was really fucking close that was the realest that ever fucking got things got real fight if i were you

if i were you if i were you if i were you if i were you i don't know what i don't know what what i would do what i would do if every you if every i were you if every i were you show dot com mark and ryan lambart brothers siamese not twins siamese brothers is that a thing you can hear from siam is that a place you can be from like a siamese cat i think siam is tyland oh let's never introduce sarah

thank you so much for having me you just said that at the end after we have the entire show without you well we finally got sarah on the show and she didn't say a goddamn thing we did talk about siam for 41 minutes worth it sarah schneider hi i don't know what we're gonna do now that you're on the show because half of all the emails we get are about having you on the show oh gosh so now what people what are people gonna stop listening yeah um i'm sorry uh how would people know you from our videos for one

yeah college humor for two yeah uh you write for s and l i do you're nominated for an emmy i am oh my god you're right but mostly people know you from our videos yeah you're in a nutrition test well actually the weird thing is most of our fans do know sarah from our videos i guess that's true yeah they're not they're not diehard emmy fans uh if this episode comes out on monday august uh like 18th yeah you'll have already know loser or winner oh you you're yeah because it's this saturday so let's celebrate this moment of i know this blind yeah what are you nominated for i'm a nominated for best original song now an honor just to be nominated yeah of course i mean don't put words in my mouth but yes

are you like basking in this moment now because it's like you haven't lost yeah it's i'm very excited and like the possibility is there however we are nominated up against a song that lin manuel moranda wrote oh which is like wait is he gonna give me a yummy stew yeah oh it's amazing wait which song did he write he wrote this opening song for the tonys oh yeah which is like a amazing rap yeah oh yeah that one was really good that i i like watched sadly with my mouth open post nomination but it would be an honor even to be up against it and you are it would be an honor to win it really would yeah it's just an honor to win who's in charge of that uh what do you get for being nominated for an emmy you get to go oh so you

get an invitation to the emmy's yeah well we get to go to the creative emmy's because our category is presented at the creative emmy's which are a week before the other the real emmy's it seems like the creative emmy's sound better because it's like creative what's the so what's the creative emmy's versus the real performance the ones on tv but your song was on tv one award ceremony is televised oh the why isn't yours why isn't yours part of the one that's televised um i think it's because there aren't usually like people you'd recognize nominated for these but you're an actor it's not yeah it's not like best drama where you like see a billion people you want to see like the producers and the directors and the actors up on stage right this is like from the little writers

like sarah's an exception but but everyone else is pretty frump everybody else is frumpy yeah it's the front emmy's is lin gonna go what is lin gonna go i think so we should have him on the show we hope he wins so have you heard this show before sarah i have uh so you know how it works right yes i do but can you tell me yeah just in case just in case yeah we get email from people that need advice you get a singular email yeah we get one email from people from eight thousand the world agrees on one question and they send it to you and i get it via fax on a ticker tape like an old-timey stock machine and if it's bad we just don't record that year uh and that email if you have questions is if i were you show at gmail.com sometimes we get questions sometimes we get theme

songs submitted like the one that by mark and ryan at the top of our show those are maybe my favorite part of the show i guess no offense and i guess a lot of offense is taken we are we were that song was also nominated for uh creative emmy wow yeah mark and ryan you're up against him i can't you shouldn't i shan't what was i gonna say um oh right and then some of our emails are just requests for guests like like you yeah that's so nice of people yeah i hope i don't disappoint but i probably will you stay for them off long enough have you there's even like posts on our subreddit page about having like petitions to have you on the show oh my gosh i do that's my default home page yeah so you know that already so i know uh all right cool well that's really nice i'm glad we finally

worked it out to have you on the show me too after 95 episodes right i was trying to hold out to 100 and i just couldn't make it we wore you down uh so we're gonna be reading these real emails from real people giving them fake names to preserve their anonymity do you have a fake name to give this first female rightress um dorf that's right wait dorf what monroe very it's maryland's much less sexy sister for sign Dorf monroe i shall call you dorf uh i like that it's from a girl yeah i mean you guys get so many guy questions it's true we wanted to make it a little more female in my wheelhouse since we have a female brain on the show jakes exactly thank you that was me i'm dorf monroe well he certainly got females on the brain thank you that was me

all right ready hey what if i said no then we would just stop we would stop just stop it yeah okay thank you for respecting my wishes we had been on the show or like a month or two ago and he basically didn't let me read any questions oh nice you could do that okay well he's already done it yeah i'm a little nervous because i think i have very strong opinions but sometimes they don't like line up with each other that's perfect that's exactly what we need okay cool great strong opinions that don't line up yeah all right ready yeah hey guys so my boyfriend and i broke up because i moved out of state to take a new job we parted on good terms as friends with the understanding that we probably couldn't make a long distance relationship work before i left he passively

remarked that if i was in town again i could use him as a booty call i'm headed back for my grandpa's 90th birthday party in a few weeks and i know i'll have a free night of no strings attached hookup sex here's where i need your advice i'm currently self-conscious about my blowjobs and i was wondering if it would be weird of me to ask him if i can practice on him and have him give me pointers all in all can i ask this guy to take me to blowjob academy thanks dorf monroe that sounds like dorf miss monroe she's so insecure that's so many layers of a question of like a tangled web yeah man she wove do i do i start yeah what's your initial reaction my initial well i want to know like how long they were dating and if there's like any emotion

that's a normal initial reaction i always want to know more information yeah okay well we don't have it oh wait didn't she say they were together for three years did she uh did i just make that up yes yep made it up let's just say three you know who this person is her anonymity she wants she wants to she wants to know if she could ask her ex-boyfriend if she could practice blowjobs on him or would that be weird for me i feel like this guy found a genie's lamp and this was his wish and a girlfriend to just practice blowjobs isn't that wouldn't that be the greatest i if i if i had any old flame come to me and be like hey i need you to teach me how to give blowjobs i'd be like well so you can do them to who oh you'd be jealous yeah of course she's trying to get blowjob tips

she's gonna give him a bad blowjob get the get the pro tips and then go off and give a whole bunch of strangers that's i want dope dome thank you that's your rap name if she's giving if she's giving strangers my name's dope dome in the host dope dome dope dome that's it that's why i came with the name don't come with the rap too jesus no is that fair um i'm curious like drake had to write underneath his own raps after he came up with the best rap name of all time drake drake just put drake on blast holy shit i'm just saying he could rest on his laurels his laurels so wait i'm curious i mean does this mean she's been giving she was giving him bad blowjobs the entire time they were dating maybe or maybe she's self-conscious about her uh non bad blowjobs i think

in general when you're i mean when you're giving a guy a blowjob it's only natural and sexy to ask for feedback like i like the idea of being able to be like do you like this are you into this tips what do you want that feels like something you should be like learning with the guy that you're doing it with and not like getting tips from an old right boyfriend that's fucking this is why we have guests that's right and i never would have thought of it oh my god uh so big pass out and hit the floor he was so impressed it's perfect uh that was jake's brain exploded like a bottle i don't know i feel like it's um like not like back sliding but a little bit like move on and build a new sexual relationship everybody's dicks are different

this is crazy you're telling her not to give like this seems like the ultimate win-win situation to me it's such a no-brainer i feel like it could be a win-win brainer don't like this dude is like oh yeah uh i'm so happy you're asking for my advice i like it when you grip my dick really hard uh go really fast and suck the top like this okay so that she'll do that to him right and like maybe that's the way he likes it but then maybe she's gonna be with somebody else who likes nice and slow also not so firm maybe somebody else is gonna want her to double it doesn't matter we're not worried about these mystical people down the line that might not get the best blowjobs she's just wondering if she could ask him for blowjob lessons but like he shouldn't give her lessons because she might apply

the lessons to another guy who doesn't like sabotage her he's not gonna sabotage her i mean you've got to think about it but i think everybody is different she should just like she should do it like what's air sand which is what grow with a new person ask that person how they like their blowjobs because i'm sure she has if she's dated anyone she has a base a baseline for how a blowjob works right right i guess they have been dating for what you you know are you know are three years right how long was dorf with her boyfriend how long was dorf with this dork and the boyfriend's name was steven dorf i'll try to catch you almost got you dorf and dorf imagine if she married steven dorf her name would be dorf dorf yeah her favorite movie is

that's my rough name dork dork dork and dope dome coming at you don't you feel like you don't need to come up with any song ever yeah that was it that was it we are swan song was our name we know me and well you are an emmy nominated songwriter so you would know thank you so much um cool so i'm saying definitely do it and you guys are saying no i guess i worry a little bit that that it's like a loaded it you want it to be a carefree like fun friend that you would just ask how to give a blowjob yeah which could be fun but it seems loaded to be to have a previous relationship attached to it it'll be loaded thank you how dare you both quit it quit it implicate me what if it's a what if it's how dare you sarah i'm not saying anything anybody who's not jake is the same person

jake well you were making a sound like so like that could be anybody you know what if this is a friend not an ex-girlfriend if a girl's like i want to practice blowjobs on a guy would you also say that's not a good idea no i say that's dope that sounds fun more fun that's so well what's the difference between the x-men because i've still been together used to love each other used to be that's a totally different reason you guys like a teacher how to blow another guy i have given too many reasons you're you're not being consistent at the why you don't like it what do you mean i'm not you're saying that's the one thing i feel bad for the other guys secondly you feel bad that they have an emotional attack sorry about poking holes in the argument

across the board i'm allowed to have multiple opinions on why it's not a good idea no i'm glad you got everything down to one reason yeah yeah boiling one reason for you yeah here's one reason let's hear it one reason i can debunk it you can go fuck yourself dude host the podcast alone sarah i'd like you to stay forever yes shit wait come back everyone should know that every time jake gets heated like this he's slowly undressing he's barely wearing a shirt he's getting physically and emotionally heated uh so final answer yeah do it or not i think no jake i say hook up with him but don't be like don't ask for me give me blowjob lessons just have fun and hook up with him you don't don't make it so formal i don't think it needs to be a blowjob lesson i i don't think it

needs to be that kind of thing i guess she's thinking that as an option because she is more comfortable with him than just like a brand new person so i get that in a way i'd like to infer just a little bit um from this question i i i noticed that she says i'm insecure about my blowjobs yeah oh yeah so let's talk to her about that i don't think she needs to go to a dude and get his validation and be like oh you suck a dick like this and now you're good at blowjobs that's not the way it works yeah i agree any i mean you guys tell me wrong but like mouth on penis to to start is great you know and then really like if it's warm and wet it feels really good i'm saying don't use tea we can teach you don't use teeth oh sarah we're blowing this guy's blowjob

academy girl you feel so bad for this this guy i know we're blowing up his spot in a big way this guy had one student at his blowjob academy and she's got to drop out we're giving her a freaking diploma before she's gonna drop out instead of drop dome i i think um at least from what i've heard like girls give each other blowjob tips is that do you guys trade secrets knowledge for sure 100% so yeah maybe learn from those maybe learn from your peers and like watch a porn that that's extreme but like watch a porn but it's a poor blowjob a good blowjob and yeah i'm sure there's like lessons online oh blowjob lessons as a as a porn subsection yeah jake you confirm or deny well i just know that with all the gfe pov um porn that i watch the dvds gfe pov dvds that i

downloaded uh you can yeah you can i'm not sure they're like blowjob lessons but you essentially yeah you get there although it's dangerous that's a whole different dangerous thing is getting sex advice from porn yeah that's why i'm saying gfe what's gfe girlfriend experience what's that uh it's the sex is a lot sweeter it's not like disgusting and rough oh it's like it's like romantic yeah it's like girls saying oh i love you baby and but they're still actors well yeah of course i don't know call me old-fashioned but i like girlfriend experience porn i just like it when a boyfriend has sex with a girlfriend on porn there's like girlfriend experience porn uh where they like try anal sex and like the role plays that they're trying it for

the first time but you can see these porn stars assholes are so out and gross i don't think this anal sex is that exciting for you i think this is old hat actually in that i can fit an old hat in your gaping sausage old hat in your old ass all right leave we've we've given we've given our thoughts about this helpful don't want to blow it for that dude but i would love to you did you follow it for that yeah maybe whatever uh all right next question we're gonna have sex you just not gonna go to blowjob academy and we don't even know if you wanted to do that true i wonder if she's like 15 years old you can't ask that question okay we need a guy's name for me again oh sorry um Trent Brent you're good Trent Brent yeah okay Trent Brent writes hey guys soon after

we got married my wife stopped wearing underwear no bra no panties at first i was okay with it but now i'm worried her boobs will get saggy and panties are sexy i tried talking to her about it but she claimed that bras hurt her back she's 23 and her boobs are almost touching her belly button what can i do cheers Trent Brent jeez Zeus wait they got she's only 23 and she married him yeah that's what sticks out that's early man that is early not not not where Trent Brent is from 1950 yeah that's a good joke yeah that's funny i just want to take a second yeah like we don't pause enough to be like that's not a place thank you guys that caught me off guard yeah and i liked it it was like you know when you're expecting a place and you hear a time it's funny yes any insight well bras

and panties i'm 99 percent sure that bras don't make your tits less or more saggy right or is it keeping them up uh it's less gravity it keeps them i mean if if they're touching her belly button which seems like a men's exaggeration hyperbole for sure yeah but she must have very large breasts then yeah that's kind of like you would think that she would want to support that bra the rest for that large yeah it's weird that say bras hurt your back isn't it the opposite isn't not wearing yeah large boobs hurt your back but bras unless it was like the clasp was like digging into her or something in which case just buy a new bra yeah get a front a front clasp yeah a front clasp bra clase case closed that is a thing i want everyone to know that that

jake is right uh but if you should go yeah go underwear shopping with her but is it his place to say to wear bra yeah well can your boy tell you what underwear to wear i guess if like my boy bought me like sexy underwear i'd wear it oh like it's it's a nice gesture maybe that's what he could do he can buy the underwear as a gift yeah that way she feels more inclined to wear it right and if it's like a sexy and if he you know if he gets something that's supposed to be extremely comfortable or supportive or etc etc which is what he should be he should be comfortable he should be supportive that's true yeah i think he could say something uh using the pure heart rule yeah and just say what's the pure heart rule that you can like that is a rule from you guys i yeah from jake i i like

the pure from friday nightlights pure hearts can't rule uh so like your man couldn't necessarily be like you have to start wearing bras of course but you could with a pure heart knowing that you love her deeply no matter what just say hey i want you to know that i find um bras and panties sexy and i would be really happy if you wore them i respect whatever you're gonna do no matter what so just soften your intentions yeah just just to like let them know that you're not you don't have like it's it's not like a it's not black or white but you have an opinion and hey i'd appreciate it if you considered it if not okay i'd like to divorce you i have a lawyer who will bring the case to a court irreconcilable differences i'm thinking i want you to wear a bra you clearly do not

i mean not wearing underwear is a little um an hygienic it's really funny because that feel yeah yes thank you it feels like a guy's dream that's like yeah my girl never wears underwear we could get it on anywhere yeah i would also be 100 fine uh with a girlfriend never wearing i would think it would be more like it's weird like to be out and about if your girlfriend has big boobs and she's not wearing a bra it's noticeable that's true yeah you could also gift her with clothing that has support built in oh keep an eye out for that kind of thing so there's shirts with bras in them yeah you gotta start shopping for your girl i know there must be a better way to communicate this though instead of like covertly filling her wardrobe with supported items brainwashing

her have you thought of the pure heart rule um i just learned it one second ago so let me think on that do you like the pure heart rule i think it's okay but it kind of just oh okay so serah endorsed serah schneider says the pure heart rule is a okay is it okay if i had an a in front of the okay it makes it sound a little more endorsed endorsed endorsed with an a and dorsed did you hear me say and dwarf and dwarfed i did hear it and we want to pause and recognize it as a good joke because you gave one to jake but i mean while i'm saying and dwarf i'll get you and dwarfs drive you nothing you said kripp and dwarfs drive yeah i said that was her favorite movie that might have seen this fly that's attacking me well you've been non-stop swatting at nothing for like why is

this 20 minutes look like you're fanning yourself like an old gay southern gentleman theodore leslie himself why this fly i've never met him attacking you well i've never yeah it's short the heat is a prison fly like this the fly is also wearing a top hat like from the karaoke pre-rolls and a much tinier fly is bothering him all right let's recognize that as a good joke thank you that's one for each of us you got one for kripp and dwarfs there's something what about this it's a farsight cartoon it's a giant fly he's a hobo he's taking his pockets and set out and a little human comes buzzing out oh yeah not bad he said what do you want i feel like you can't think of a farsight that doesn't exist it's such like an it's such a well-drawn world oh there we go uh that answers

the question right yeah i don't know i would say i mean always the answer is like communicate with your wife but like don't be rude i guess that's the pure heart rule thank you i think just be more communicative be open i think he has to come up with a better excuse than i'm worried her boobs will get saggy when she tells when he tells her because that's shallow right right so what you should come up with a medical reason oh your back will hurt more if you don't have underwear that way it's not a pure heart rule it's sort of a half-hearted rule and the fly's back the fly is back i mean like guys this is not okay there's a nest in your ears laid eggs into your skin you showered with honey you gotta stop showered with honey i'm a dumb bear uh all right i say tell her but make

up a rule that's less bad than her boobs will get saggy which is also the it's the same thing as the pure heart rule no pure heart rule is telling her 100 percent you're pure of heart totally honest say you're afraid that her boobs will get saggy i don't think it's sincerely boob saggy i think he's saying he thinks underwear is sexy and that's the that's problem to me that is what you tell her nothing else ever you want to be sexy for the person you love yeah that's what you'll want not once you're married you don't give a shit about looking sexy sexy you're sexy at first that's how you you uh you hook that's the hook but once you reel the person in you don't have to be sexy you should have never put a ring on it boss yeah i mean if they got married you would have

been calling the shats for years if they got married at 23 there's a chance they didn't have sex until they got married so maybe it's a new thing you're extrapolating get it oh my god i want to kill this fly kill kill the fly he's so courageous this fly this fly is fly this is about to turn into like an old like superhero radio show the courageous fly he flies i'm turning into oh wait never mind i just have to take a shit uh all right third question cool great moving right along how do you like this so far this is fun i think i'm like eating this microphone that i looked at i was like had a full press full on my mouth and i looked over at jake and he has it like three inches away from his mouth i think i mean i probably don't hold it as close as i should i hope it sounds like i'm

screaming and you guys are that's the beauty of these new microphones you can be a little liberal with how you hold them but you do want to keep on three inches or less erase with your mouth is this going to keep it pointed yeah like a Doppler if it's like no it won't it's just 10 seconds of me screaming at the same volume i wanted an ace vinter a moment oh yeah with the sliding door yeah the sliding door yes wow nice oh i'm gonna say no that was a good joke let's pause let's reflect we're 10 second joke identification um how about somebody else reads this that'll be fun it's a cat oh sari you want to it's a guy yeah yeah sure what's his name why don't you like

reading the questions i know it's stumbly he can't read oh my god i thought i told you um all right this is a guy you want to give him a name and then read his email oh yeah um okay uh algebra mcdaniel wow that's a cool name it's a fancy it's alfred short i saw that fly just fly right into your glasses brazen indeed i think i'm just gonna have to try to crack in your glasses this fly's got a death wish you guys talk i'm gonna try to kill this fly don't read the email yet really yeah you can sort of narrate what's going on oh okay this is all right so first right off the bat amir has lost the fly we don't see oh and there it goes right out the window no

you really lost it i see it i have to sit back here maybe you're the bait you have to be bait for your own trap i'm gonna pantomime talking so that he thinks i've i've lowered my defenses he's a tiny robot sent from a rival podcast to ruin he's here and he's going to my ear right now do you see that oh yeah i do oh yeah i should i smash him into my face wait he's on the top of your head right now this fly is hijacking my eyes oh jake's gonna help me jake's coming going okay this is good i think it senses danger oh it's right next to the microphone oh it's oh my god it's gonna happen it's all that fucking you're cute it's at the top of his head oh no you didn't get it i hope he's been 20 minutes like this

oh wait it's on top of his head again is it oh wait is it okay if i hit you wait let's go that was a practice swing if you invite just from now on do i have permission to hit you sure hit to kill the fly though don't just hit me i don't know i might kill it really in my hair wait what's this one oh that's another one oh god that's his mommy you back for revenge all right all right now you can read this question all right algebra mcdaniel's right hey guys so i'm working in a candy shop sometimes when i read things my voice goes up one full octave yeah i just felt it okay hey guys so i'm working in a candy shop this summer the job is fun the pay is all right but here's the real winner i get plenty of beautiful girls

my age who come in every day i've struck up conversations with quite a few and let me tell you things went swimmingly here's the issue the fly has attacked it saw you were after it okay here's the issue things go swimmingly but here's the issue i never have the balls to ask them for their number or anything of that sort so i can see them again i always convince myself that will somehow cross paths again even though it never happens um how do i initiate this info exchange of sorts without sounding like a weird bitch should i lay off and wait for a more casual encounter so many beautiful women gone to waste please help toda algebra mcdaniel's nice so have you ever been in a place where uh as a female have you ever gone into a place where a guy

asked for your number like a retail solution no or like flirted with you i don't think a guy's ever asked for my number is that true true true that how why what i don't know are women against guys asking for their numbers um no but it should come out of like vibing right like it should never come out of this like blind yeah he's saying that they're flirting though they're flirting back with him i read it but i didn't actually like hear it oh i have this problem where i like you read you were saying the word oh my god the fly is oh my god did you get it i wish the fly was on her forehead and she slapped it into her forehead oh no it's still look look towards your hands it's on me you can hit it's behind you there's another one behind you there's

two start closing these windows you have to slap clap above because they fly up once they see your hands this is why don't you fucking kill it dude you know all the tricks of the trade kind heart rule or whatever if your rule and not whatever and i said that with a pure heart uh so the cliff notes version of this is a guy works in a candy store girls come in all the time he's friendly flirtatious uh but he's never had the balls to ask for your number got it should he just do it or should he just wait right and how does he want asked for a number right uh if a guy asked for your number if you went to a candy store and you're flirting would you would you say yes depending on what he looked like or depending on how the vibing was um well it seems like a very short

span to vibe with someone so it probably be pretty look based unfortunately if a handsome guy if you went into starbucks and you were single and then you took a guy's order and he was like dreamy yeah can i have your number i'd like to take you out sometime i'd probably say yes yeah that's so superficial it's he wouldn't meet somebody but if he was uh medium attractive would you say yes i mean if you'd been like funny if you'd like engaged me but it's such a short time but if you'd engaged me at all i'd probably say yes what's the protocol you ask for a number or you give a number i think you do i also never do this it's really hard so what do you do how do you meet people how do you do that i don't it's here's my theory because i thought about this question a little bit you guys

read these beforehand i'm you read them and sometimes i read them too yeah i mean we have to i'm only one coming in blind on this that's right this is a sham this is a trap you're reading you guys already have answers that's those are those papers in front of you it's a fake fly it's a remote control fly why fly why fly here's my theory what's the wi-fi oh nice thank you two jokes um all right so i think it's always uncomfortable when you ask someone for their number even if they want to give it to you because like you have to do that whole thing of like pulling up your contact and having it blank and she's like whispering and you're writing it down or like you hand them your

phone right it's just like it's always a little uncomfortable but then you never ever think about it once ever again after that yeah so you might as well since i'm not this guy i would be too much of a pussy to do this but i think he could i think he would just he should just say can i have your number if somebody says no then that pain will be over in a second and they'll leave and you could try to try it on somebody else and if they say yes then it'll be like a little weird when you're getting their number but then you'll have the number and you'll text and you'll meet up and maybe you'll fucking it'll be great and it will be worth it you won't get married and have kids yeah and that kid goes up to be the goddamn president of the united states of america you don't

think barack hussein obama i swear that ladies and gentlemen he worked in an ice cream store uh that's like the whole it's it there's such a fear of talking to new girls but there shouldn't be well also the thing yeah yes what's the fear i mean the fear is rejection of course but why is that so scary it's so quick and it's painless well when you're younger it's everything no it's now it's everything it's like getting stung by a beat well then why are you asking i don't know we went to a bar last night and we wouldn't talk to a single person for this kid especially i swear he did it you're a pussy dude not even you yes if you were talking to everyone i'm just in the corner i'm a social animal man last night i was really on but i've seen a mere pickup girls in bars so

let's be real oh let's be real they're proud you know hey hey hey i'm not saying you don't pick up girls at a bar i'm just saying last night you didn't talk to anybody but it's true it's scary approach yeah that's what we're saying but he's saying also saying he's he never sees he's always like i'll there'll be a better encounter but he never sees them right exactly so that's number one you're not going to see these girls again unless you do this so there's like no risk of it later embarrassment exactly and i wonder if there's a world where you just have like a card or something ready to give to them where it's like easier that's true if you live if you're in an ice cream store i used to work in an ice cream store so did i so this is something you do if they're cute

we had little coupons for one free ice cream cone right oh you hand that out so far tell them to come back get the free ice cream cone and then you're like have a little relationship if they come in a couple times then it's going to be easier asked for the number there's a candy store right your number on the on the ice cream cone thing it's a candy store sorry okay fine free free bag of gummy bears free coupon but that's the most i can do i swear you're twisting my arm it doesn't matter there's there's there's a discount there's a promo there's a card there's something you could slip to them that's what i'm saying algebra you've been giving all our gummy bears to uh to pretty girls that's sexual harassment i can't afford that that's a lawsuit we're giving special discounts to

attractive women just to the prettys uh that's a good thing you have a card with a special promo you give them to attractive or you know you do you give them to some attractive females and then also some less attractive people that way it's like no i also gave it to that dude and that girl and that girl just something to give away for everybody it's a promo card that's good for the business but then if you write some of them have the number yeah so you put the number down on the ones that you write your number on it and then you say what here's a discount code also here's my phone number if you ever want to hang out you like a little wink oh it doesn't have to be so explicit there's something flirty and like sexy about it being a little it sounds like he's hidden with these

girls already yeah he said that he's having some flirtatious interaction yeah but also i want to go back to just like talking to people in general and rejection in general yeah because it's true you like you work yourself up in your head so much and then when you just go up to somebody you everybody's warm nobody well there are some new people there are some mean people that yeah but like as mean as they are even it's not as bad as like you're you've never been like laughed at for like hey how's it going yeah haha the yeah right you're ugly the fear at which we don't talk to people is like as if when i approach a girl the entire bar will the lights will turn on and everyone will laugh as i leave like that's my earlier the thing you're the most embarrassed up

yeah you might be hot if you didn't have like a gut and your shoes are really dirty i don't know i'm embarrassed of my shoes being dirty it really is like the worst that will happen if a girl is not interested in uses she'll just make an excuse to exit and like that's fine because then nobody wants to be uncomfortable like it's it's a lot to be rude to somebody yeah i think if most of the time rejection is very passive and they're like uh oh cool yeah nice to talk to you i'm gonna go to the bathroom i'm gonna go get another drink and then you'll never talk to that person again and i will say in terms of like getting a number versus giving a number it's scary for girls to give numbers to people like yeah because guys are sketchy because guys can be

sketchy but if you give the power to the girl i think that's like ballsy and it's it's much more likely that it'll turn into something i think and it's i feel like i'm less scared of that because it's like oh i just gave away a bunch of numbers and then if i i'll forget about it and then i don't have to think about what's a text or when to text yeah it's like hopefully one day i'll get a text message from a phone where the name is not even in it just the digits might a girl say oh that was a little passive i don't know if he's really interested in me if he was interested in me he might have said i want your number can i can can i have your number versus here you take this and if you want i don't know like that's a little too passive what do you think sarah i guess i think

that's like a little i don't know i hope that that's like a little dated i mean i like i like to think that we're in a world we're like a guy and it could give a girl a number and that's not like him being a pussy about it i agree but i think if i gave my if i gave a girl a number like that's definitely the less scary thing it's almost just like it's like you do something right exactly you do something that's why i'm more likely to that's why i like when sarah said that because i wanted to do it anyway that's yeah that's yeah that is the easier thing to do and i think i guess is i mean there's nothing wrong with it as long as he doesn't fear that a girl might say you're putting the ball in my court and that's like uh that's not cool that's not as ballsy as you

think it is but i think it's i actually think i mean i think it takes less courage to get a girl's number a little bit less courage to get less courage more slime it does take a little bit of slime day what's your number yeah well you don't say that at the beginning of the conversation yeah right you say that the end of the night when you're parting ways what what you're parting ways at the end of the night oh let me get your number i'd like to see you again oh right right but when you only have candy store so the night thing threw me off shake only eats candy when it's daylight out he's a candy van i mean our candy store closed at 6 p.m so i just didn't i really didn't compute all right um relax i'm very relaxed my shirt's coming up the question holds a thousand

flies buzzing around your head in a halo not that an organized halo all right so maybe i'm smelly i'm an organized halo tournament my fault i'm lord of the flies uh where were we just talking about oh you say we do approach a girl the thing is these these girls are at these bars and these guys are at these bars to meet new people but are the most part yeah i mean honestly these hoes ain't loyal they're not always going to be loyal but i i feel like i'm in that category of people where i'm like i can't ever approach a girl cold but i can like if your friends were there and i was meeting them i could be friendly yeah totally that's the way to do it friend of a friend i've seen you approach a girl cold straight up i know and it was scary but that's also where alcohol

comes in because it deadens your scary receptors yeah yeah yes also that's what wingmen are they're supposedly like people who break the ice for you and then you can just like a fullback but you know follow their the all of their lead block through the holes yeah into the holes into the end zone so you can score touchdown i think actually here's a point after or let's go for two well i flew into your nose it's controlling me i started flying i was just fucking real cut to my brain like a control center doing your bidding you're just eating shit i could finally eat as much shit as i wanted clearly this isn't good for you fly it's just eating my shit anyway i think like alcohol it's something that um uh it's gonna make you make going up to girls easier is like once you get

rejected a couple times or once you find success a couple times once you just start doing it it gets easier yeah i'm saying that from literally no experience in this field also there's a certain level of like clout that you get just for coming up to a girl right just for having the balls to like because there's i mean every girl's been stared at by a hundred creepy guys in a bar who never talked to her so like the one that does you're like oh you actually have the balls to like that is really just here put yourself in like her position she's just getting ogled and no one's talking to her yeah i'm staring when i'm too afraid to say anything well is the female this is a bar situation is the female equivalent wanting to approach guys or is it standing by a

bar waiting for guys to approach you um when you're single do you look for guys to approach or you just present yourself into the bar and then you hope that the cutest ones come talk to you a little bit of both i think in bar scenarios is all about that like one little moment that like gives either of you permission to whoever has the most balls in the situation there's like one little eye contact there's one little smile there's something and then like it's fair game to go either direction yeah i think it's orbit you're like put you like see somebody you put them in there in you like in your orbit your path and then like that's the passive weenie way you're like i don't want to talk to her i want to stand next to her and have a drink and hopefully she spills something on me

hopefully she bumps into me hopefully that is passive but it's still like i don't know i also think the passive might sometimes be the move because it's sort of weird to just go directly up to a girl and be like i'm super confident how are you well that's what she just said that was it sarah said that was a good idea i did it's always different man you got to feel out the stitch it's i guess it's whatever you're comfortable with but you're saying it's better to be more comfortable approaching woman maybe yes well there should be also a level of like just general awareness of like is it the right time or not i mean like you don't want to have go into the middle of like a group of like a bachelorette party that like clearly just got there right i've

got to talk to you the one with the whale on the sash what's your deal baby you went to flies i think i'm a fly i'm so sorry there's one in my brain one making the call of being controlled by a nat that was your night going can i have two jars of sugar water and a half eaten banana left on a picnic table and what do you all want a rum and coke i'll suck the sugar from your margarita so yeah i guess you kind of went all over the place with this one but yeah you can creepily approach girls or you can creepily stand idly by but if you're a nice normal uh kid yeah you can approach and you can also be in their orbit and hope yeah because also like i mean most girls i would hope would like not completely be a full bitch and just like turn away from a guy who came

up to them like the very least he'll talk for a minute and then be like there's not yeah i mean whenever whenever ice is broken it's always nice yeah i think the rule is that or the we've discovered what we've discovered here is that there's no real rule just i guess that's true and ever evolving sorry scenarios but to not be afraid to be yourself because usually i think people default to warmth rather than like iciness i will also i mean this guy is like trying to make moves at his like place of work which like is fine but it feels so fleeting like they're going down a candy line and then being like bye bye like that's a little dangerous for the business model like if he just keeps on asking people for their number there's like um i'm never gonna come to your story

again i think coupon with phone numbers the way to go i think that's cute i guess i yeah me too so we all agree so we're agreed shakes ideas best uh we usually take a little break but that was kind of a nice tangent felt like a break anyway oh cool okay great i'd also pee oh you know we have we should take a break right now and we'll do the other sponsor that's sponsoring this episode and then when you guys get back from the bathroom we can finish the episode great so we'll be right back i'm kind of excited yeah this show is sponsored by better help thank you better help if you're finding yourself in a difficult anxious stressful situation talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place and it's not necessarily

easy to find a therapist especially one in your area but better help makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient flexible and suitable to your schedule you just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge it's incredibly helpful therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years so give therapy a try it can give you the tools to find a more balanced life i've tried therapy it's been very helpful um so you can find that balance better with better help all you got to do is go to betterhelp.com slash if i were you you do that today you can get 10 off your first month so the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent

for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room this is done entirely online but you're still getting professional licensed help uh and it's extra affordable that's betterhelphelp.com slash if i were you check them out thanks better help thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show wow for years and years and years we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website so if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one or you want to sell stuff online you can do an online store they have 24 7 live customer support email campaigns data you can

even purchase a domain name through Squarespace for example i didn't even look this up but there's no way you can't buy a mere blumenfeld is a good dude.com i bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome website dedicated to me or i guess dedicated to anyone else in your life and maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season a summer birthday coming up who doesn't want a website so the best way to do that is to go to squarespace.com slash if i were you for a free trial and when you're ready to launch just use that offer code if i were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain again squarespace.com slash if i were you free trial everything looks good let's launch it just use

that offer code if i were you to save 10% off that first purchase thank you Squarespace hey we're back whoa that was a fun commercial break uh sponsors yeah you cried you mostly cried yeah unrelated we usually we usually go this long but since you're here we wanted to go even longer still because who knows when we'll ever have Sarah back oh my god get the door after she wins this and the you're holding up a cleaver cleaver um oh cleaver was good never was the right the right word yes um oh we need another female's name for the last question oh okay yakitori door that's it no relation to dwarf here you should Sarah should read this one too since it's a lady okay yakitori door but remember and a girl's voice oh yeah whatever you think yakitori sounds like

but remember to actually uh comprehend what you're reading yeah i know it's really hard for me yeah dad you do on the reading comp section of the sat's i guess great yeah i'm a writer i'm a writer i am an emmy nominated sumstress strongly the w's on this show right yeah i keep doing it for some reason if i wear you hi so me and my boyfriend have been dating for four months now and it's great i can't i can't do it i hate you it's so weird i feel like i can't listen if i'm different hi so me and my boyfriend have been dating for four months now and it's great but he keeps doing something that really bugs me whenever we clean our teeth together before bed that's called brushing first off the bat clean your teeth whenever we clean our teeth together before bed he insists on

cleaning his tongue with his toothbrush and it almost always makes him gag with previous boyfriends brushing my teeth with them has been fun and because it's followed by going to bed it's part of so it's part of foreplay i didn't stumble yeah that's how it's written right she with previous boyfriends brushing my teeth with them has been fun and because it's followed by going to bed it's part of foreplay but every time he gags it makes me feel really ill and once i had to lift up the toilet seat because i was almost sick i've told him to stop but he says it's cleaner shall i break it off with him or just refuse to clean my teeth with him love love yakitori uh extreme i mean i shouldn't say this the actual name looks fake oh yeah maybe she

what is it i can't say it you can say we'll bleep it out if it's really real i guess that might be real i'll bleep it bleeped uh so it was just a bleep sound is that what's written here her name is e flat for nine seconds great uh is there anything that grosses you out like that with a boy like a pet peeve yeah a lot of things probably that you like that would be a that would you put your foot down well is there anything that would make you almost want to vomit like that no i mean okay let's really think can we edit out a 20 minute pause i really want to give this one some thought i'll edit it down to 10 minutes well i could say what mine is what yeah go for it i was in a relationship once and the lady in it hated when i hawked a

loogie uh so like whenever i wake up in the morning i always have phlegm in my just you doing nostrils uh yeah but like it grossed her out to the point where i couldn't do it in front of her but i'm living with him i can tell you that he does this yeah uh night is every morning every night sometimes i mean you do it in the shower yeah you uh you hawk a big loogie yeah but imagine that's inside me i have to get it out and i'm sorry if it sounds like the most disgusting thing in the world oh i know one what it's so close what i hate snot rockets like if a guy legitimately just walks down the street and blows a snot rocket i wouldn't i could never ever ever do that you're a big booger guy oh yeah yeah you got a big nose yeah all the boogers get up in here

you know what i'm saying it's a home for the bugs yeah uh so have you ever dealt with a snot rocketing boy and have you ever put your foot down i mean i would it would like i would completely walk away i could never do it well what if what if uh a boy you were dating basically snot rocketed every morning like i do i couldn't do it what do you mean you couldn't do it i would be like either stop doing that or like i cannot be with you all right see you and you would be like i won't do it in front of you i would still know what if you could hear it like if you could just hear it like outside he went he left the house you're like it's the grossest i hate it so much well also like it's not well as this girl says part of foreplay it's snot part of war

that was good i would want to clean my nose before i had foreplay with someone yeah it's a necessary part of my routine and his it looks like it is it's very i understand what she's coming from in that it's like very cute to brush your teeth with someone it's like a nice little clean activity you're like oh everybody's cute everyone looks good in the bathroom mirror and then he's just like wait but do you guys have anything about girls like that i guess girls do girls do gross things yeah of course yeah but i think mine is i used to be really grossed out if like somebody smelled bad but like yeah also i think when you love somebody you love their bad smells yeah so like i don't i don't think i guess if i was dating somebody and i was like

really turned off by certain ways that they smelled i would take that as a bad sign yeah sarah are you the type of girl that could pop a zit on your boyfriend's back or would that gross you out i mean this is very revealing i am very into that really yeah that's well straighter and i used to watch like zip popping videos all the time pop that's it we'll do a shout out hello pop that's it dot com if you're still up this episode is brought to you by pop that's it com uh that's very revealing i feel like that's uh polarizing i think so too some girls like that's disgusting for them they would never even want to see that and some girls like oh i feel so therapeutic yeah i mean i don't like seek i don't like every day wake up and like do a scan to be like what's what's on the

docket today but if you're like oh i see a zit on your back can i pop it yeah yeah probably unless it was like really bad i don't i think probably i would yeah i'm like i'm not too i mean you pop zits on my back and i love you yeah oh that's nice guys he has fucking he had last you was last week you had that enormous zit on your ass yeah i've not ever seen anything like that my ass gets sweaty and so i get uh like jake said in normal this is real i didn't pop visit on his ass i just he showed it yeah where on the ass uh i would say if the crack is 12 o'clock the top of the crack is 12 o'clock it's at 11 is it still there oh it's like drying out you can see the blemish you want to see it i mean i've seen it shit coming out of amir's asshole so i can't show me anything new

haven't you seen a reversed a reverse of shitty going into your ass yeah of your asshole sucking up you're talking about it being revealing that sara likes popping zits it's revealing that you filmed uh shit coming out of your ass oh yeah sorry played it in reverse yeah this was before we had a vine though oh we have a vine now that was the oh you do yeah that was the first vine ever probably that's why the app took off so if you're on vine follow us i promise not to put my ass or my poo poo show your pimple it's not it's nothing it's a it looks like a blemish now do you want to see it no that's okay it's okay i really want me to yeah i want you to see how big it is there we go wow was it that whole thing i mean it looks pretty it looks pretty mellow now

yeah it's mellow but you can see that like where yeah the crater yeah the crater you can see the big bang you could trace it back to its beginning so where the cheese came out what i like about ass zits and back zits to some extent is that you can unlike facial zits you can really go to town on them right yeah there's no like yeah bags this yeah because you don't care if it bleeds cuts scrapes it's your back that's true yeah that's the best part i'm glad we're all in agree if this is indicative of like if she's if he does something that really grosses her out you think that there's somebody that you could love so much that like nothing they did grossed you out ooh that's a good and like deep question that's very optimistic but it's untrue if something grosses you out it's grosses

you out even if it's from a lover here i will say there's something very i would never ever date a smoker it grosses me the smell and taste of a cigarettey mouth grosses me out beyond it truly i could never love someone enough to like it so like no i guess there's my answer to you okay and that's a good thing that someone can quit for you because it's a healthy step in the right direction well this guy's saying that cleaning his tongue is healthy right this is a little bit i guess i would you should try to stop brushing your teeth with him you might want to try saying well jeez this is something i used to really like doing with my other boyfriends and then it'll probably stop real quick why don't you say this you say uh let's brush our teeth together

but don't do the tongue scraping thing until after i leave if you can't hear it it's not bothersome is it right or is this not rocket thing bothersome even if you know that you can't even if you know that it's happening yeah hmm i kind of feel like i guess i'm on the girl's side in this case where it's like if i'm if i was doing something and a guy that i loved was like that makes me want to throw up i would be like oh my god i will stop it's not that important to me or would you say like that's kind of offensive that i make you want to throw up yeah no i mean it's not endearing it's not cute that i do this cute little thing you used to like it that sounds like that blowdub girl the what remember that blowjob girl that we found is like that's only that's not

happened in gfv point that's the thing that's not happening at the blowjob academy he could steer her away from that but that doesn't exist anymore because there's no students it got shut down okay still accepting applications okay so i say tell him to do it after uh you've already left yeah or just don't make this part of your foreplay i mean like right it cannot turn you on so much to watch someone you can start playing a little later food out of their teeth yeah foreplay for her starts at dinner yeah i just oh look at the food that's getting stuck in those grooves uh when he fucking brushes them off that's the beginning yeah just imagine what's being well okay lushed out of there what would you do if this if i were you so if this were you

what would you do if this girl were me god i got it i would say oh man that's really gross can you stop doing that so you know baby it's healthy it's good for my tongue okay then do it after i leave please i love you i don't know pure art pure art pure art that was a very effective useful role play thanks guys for acting that out i think i let things like that just completely that was really good we were gonna shake i mean i want to shake hands sorry you were doing like this uh it looked like you were raising the roof from like starting at your waist sweating a fly again i think i would let this just like eat away at me i would never say anything oh yeah because you don't want to bring it up yeah you would you would bottle it up and get you'd say like

hopefully i'll get over it one day uh-huh but then you'll soon you'll be so comfortable and you're like that really bothers me and then the person will be like i've been doing it for a year yeah yeah we just we're just at that level of comfort where i'm not saying i'm healthy or right i'm just saying what i would do i'm just saying it jeez this i think there also well there is an element also of like her thinking that something is gross and that alone being grounds to maybe break up like if you may be looking for a reason or like she's jumping a gun a little bit it's very extreme she should just break out with the next time he does this when he brushes his teeth should i dump him yeah it feels like the question should be like should i ask should i talk to him about it no i

think i just want to dump him the options are talking to him about it or running away just next time he gags should i should i set his house on fire should i kill him with a cleaver sometimes he coughs really loud imagine kill him with a cleaver imagine him just they're brushing teeth together and he's just like and she's like oh we're through i'm done i think i'm gonna go i think we're breaking up we're halfway to sex this is foreplay come on man we were practically there yeah sometimes you sometimes you prematurely ejaculate as he's flossing yeah the foreplay gets so hot that's actually the toothpaste that's coming out of his dick yeah it's criss fun fact i almost said that and censored myself really that was too gross nothing's too gross for if i were you

that's the comfort level that i've reached after 90-some odd episodes toothpaste dick uh we're over an hour oh shit that's bad this might be a record that's okay no that's good people love it uh thanks for coming on the show oh guys it's my pleasure you're the best i'm sitting in this fly den to this 100 degree fly den and just watching you two swat covered with moldy cheese do you have anything you want to plug keep in mind that tens of hundreds of 15 people are listening right now there are a lot of people who listen to this don't be rude to yourselves i'm just being humble he's being rude to me i have fans they actually turned down when jake's talking and only listen at my thoughts they know they can sense it's coming

i send them the raw audio files and they just listen to my microphone feed a lot of your bits don't make sense it's just me giggling and then silence me giggling silence coming at toothpaste and those last two questions i read you just it's just completely quiet yeah so do you have anything you want to plug mention oh yeah the untelevised creative emmies are this saturday so you just send some vibes so go back in time it's a good idea they should send vibes i'll take some vibes well it's gonna it's gonna be this episode's coming out after so still send vibes send reverse vibes okay i think you could send some congratulatory vibes to lin manuel maranda for writing a killer song um i don't know snl starting at the end of september watch snl

love for you to watch it we'll try and write some funny stuff oh you should write like a podcast episode i gotta go why to write the podcast episode that's right an entire snl that's just an episode of a show that's so rare right usually they do sketches but this one's gonna be a podcast episode for our vine yeah i feel like lauren would be down with that actually yeah lauren michael might really really like this idea i had you should say his name correctly at least yeah at least jeez lauren michael lauren michael uh an email from the peoples oh that the email address again if you have your own questions is if i were you show at gmail.com we're still accepting theme song submissions from you guys the first one was from mark and ryan oh yeah you do another

one yeah we do a new two new in it for every episode let's try and guess the genre oh of this last one yeah well you know so just wait do you both know no i think oh you know what i think there's it's a specific thing um okay a uh female rap wow that is so wrong yay it's a guy named dan hanson who did a like a rolling stone cover oh yeah i'm doing uh real close another shout out or uh what is it called when you ask for stuff request another request for uh new thumbnails for our podcast because when we post it on facebook it's fun to do customized thumbnails so we'll post those too uh thanks again for sarah for coming on the show my pleasure and uh we'll be back soon bye did you

you're caught in this thinking situation you need advice you caught yourself an advice of your own device did you want to cry out help me please they told you to just seize the cheese now your problems have gone with these and your life is a quiet freeze now stay tuned because the things are about to get real how does it feel yeah to know what to do to be free to do you

to write to these dudes you hey this is dr drew and you have been asking for it so here it is we're going to give you three episodes of classic love line every week that means more adam oh shut up or me listen listen and more of those amazing classic love line show moments i'm not just mad at this stuff and adam's like oh who wears the pants in your house what how dare you put up with that if my wife my wife knows not to behave like that because she knows now your wife calls the show and yells at during the show i wasn't with like at home and we're done by the time i get home download them

every monday wednesday and friday at podcast one dot com