If I Were You - 97: Break Up

Episode Date: August 21, 2014

In this episode we discuss making the band, breaking the band, and taking demands.This episode is brought to you by Stamps.com and HuluPlus.com!See omny.fm/listener for privacy information.

Howitz, Howitz, Howitz, Howitz quantity, Howitz volumes, what's your name? Hurwitz Amir Shmuel, the spot cast show that's Beast is Hell Annette and Sarin have spelled it's out, step one, Starbucks and kill yourself or put the gun down, and emailin' your problems is role reversal could help you try to solve them or broaching alkanndrums with projectivity and fake names aside, you preserve your Ann prze nurses, Ann, Ann, Ann Yo nonn evitar gebes don't want to get with me try the klheadifzen die semin'pluk bitkolaugh Reg Patricia, Thomas mudel die

Please get up and try to seize that cheese Catch yourself a down piece and an STD swipe right all night The bitch is bringing that salise Hashtag dope, hashtag bees I do believe Amir has done the math right Numbers from Texas friends got last night Chill out, do things, we'll turn it all right But first a quick blast, time to get real

Feeling a little coy, how do you feel? I got damn, come apart, I need a new deal If you're not a day one, how would you know? This podcast, internet advice show Two dudes in love, hashtag no homo ç Ç Yo, that was really dope

Chris Leggett I like that guy Or as I call him, Chris legit Very Leggett He actually submitted another song I'm just reading now At the end of the episode 71 with Thomas Middletich And he wanted us to give a shoutout to his Twitter account

No chance in hell Maybe if we use your third really hard thing to do for us for free, we'll give you a shout out. Until then, you still owe us. Shit. Of course not. At Topher Leggett. L-E-G-G-E-T-T. L-E-G-G-E-T-T. That is what you do for me. Not as good of a rapper as he is. I feel like if I was a rapper, I would be like that, where it would sound super... That was very mellow, very chill, but sort of melodic too. It's like dynamite hack, remember that song? Oh yeah, because the boys in the hood are always hard. Yeah, that was their original song. Easy E's original, but then they covered it.

Yeah, well they made it. They thought of it actually, what is it called? They arrived at it independently. Oh, it was parallel thinking. Yeah, that's it. They mean Easy E had the same idea for a song. I don't know who made it first. I think Easy E may have recorded it 17 years before them, but overall it was basically the same thing. Same ish. Have you ever tried to rap for real, made a rap? If you really tried to make a rap song, could you? You'd have to have someone else make the beats for you. No, I could do it all myself. You can make the beats and make a rap? I could do anything I put my mind to. I never have done it before, but I could do it if I wanted to. I could do anything. The hard part is

getting over the fact that it may not be funny. Yeah. Yeah. If you fail and it's also not funny, then it's really disappointing. Like a real rap. Like a real rap. Yeah, I don't know if that sounds... Remember when we tried to record a rap song like seven years ago? Oh, god. And we recorded it and we were so embarrassed that we never released it. Of course not. Like it was going to be... I don't even know what you're talking about. What if it finds its way somehow? What if it surfaces now? Wasn't the idea like in an episode I made a rap song and then we just played it and it was like a music video? I think that was essentially it. The idea is definitely a good idea. We made a rap song in your fantasy.

Yeah, it was like, we liked what Flight of the Concords was doing. Like, oh, we should just try to make a rap song and then one of our episodes would be a music video. Yeah, that would be really cool. That's one thing we've never done. We're really talented. Yeah. Oh, well. Hey, does If I Were You the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by me? Oh, he's Jake. And I'm Amir. We start an end every episode with original theme songs. That one was by Chris Leggett. And if you have your own, send it to IfIWereYouShow at gmail.com. So how does this show work? What is this thing that we're doing? Episode 97. I've completely lost track of time. Yeah. It's an advice podcast where people email us their questions and we

try to answer them. We're getting shorter and shorter every show. I really think I've ruined you with this intro thing. I can't not think of it. It haunts me. I wake up sweating thinking of intros. Shorter. Trim them, I say to me. What are we? Why are we here and when? Oh, this is a bonus Thursday episode. We have episodes every Monday guaranteed without fail since we started. And sometimes cool sponsors bring us back early in the week. That's correct. And we do it on a Thursday. Should we hop right into it? I guess why not? Because we have nothing else to talk about. We have nothing else to do with our lives, but sit here and make podcasts. I'm going to read this email. It's a real email from a real

person. I'm going to give him this fake name to preserve his anonymity so that nobody finds out who it is. That's nice of you. Let's call this guy Balky. Oh, Balky, got it. Hey guys, I'm a 17 year old who has been in a relationship for three years. I'm going into my senior year of high school and I haven't gone to a single party or get together due to my girlfriend being extremely jealous and restrictive of who I hang out with. She is perfect to me in every way except her jealousy. I can't hang out with any girls and she hates the idea of parties and drinking, so I in turn am restricted. I love her, but I really want to experience high school and college to the fullest and I know I'll regret it if I don't have these experiences. Is it worth throwing away

a great relationship just so I can go crazy for a few years? What do you guys think? Thanks, Balky Bartokimus. Well, gee whiz, Balky. It does sound like you found the perfect one. She is without flaw. She is. She is a diamond. Perfect to me in every way. Every which way. Except her jealousy, which is all-encompassing. Sure. And actually, you know, it's necessary that she enforces a few rules. Just a few, nothing crazy. But other than that, other than her far-reaching jealous attitude in mind. That she rules over me with an iron fist. And her conduct, and her puppeteering the way I conduct my life, she is perfect to me. What flawless skin does not have one giant zit? Nah, she... What perfect day is not also marred by some sort of tragic

instance or occasion. She is the one for you. She is perfect. She just tells me that I can't have fun, go to parties, meet girls, talk to girls, and do anything like that. Other than that, a great relationship. Should I throw it away just to have fun? Just to have a little bit of fun? For four, five, seven years? I mean, it's too late for you now. You've already missed the best parties, the best years of your life. I'm talking freshman, sophomore, and junior year of high school. Yeah, you've reached the peak. The biggest time to rage. I guess now that those years are behind you, you might as well settle down. Yeah, commit to your... What I can only assume is an amazing girl who just happens to have one little thing about her that she doesn't let you talk to anybody

else who's a female. Even if you were in a great relationship, which you're not, you're in a very obviously toxic one. That's why we're joking. We're having fun. We're poking fun. I would still say you should enjoy high school and college over that, just because you can always find a great relationship after high school and college. That being said, your relationship isn't great. This is what we call a win-win situation. You end the bad, and then you're rewarded with more good. Yeah, end the bad, get the glad. Yeah. That's how you describe it. You would be a good rap star. You really think so? I think I'd come up with good rhymes. Yeah, that's true. You are fast in that regard. So here's the problem, Balkie. You met your girlfriend when you were 15.

It's exciting to have a girl like you when you're 15. Yeah, and maybe because you've only had this one, or not necessarily one, but because I bet you haven't had a ton of experience with dating some people, we'll just let you know that your girlfriend is a horrid witch. She's a meanie. But maybe she doesn't know any better. You can't go to parties and drink and hang out with other people is a bad person trait to have. That's not a nice one. That's what bad people do. Yeah, that means she doesn't trust you. Well, maybe she doesn't know any better either. She's 15. She just assumes that I feel jealous, so maybe I'll just nip it in the bud. I will force him not to hang out with any girls that way. That's nipping your jealousy in the bud. That is

letting your jealousy consume you. I got to cut this jealousy out, all right? So that means you really should never go to a party. Doesn't she want to go to parties? Doesn't she want to talk to other guys? She must be so jealous that she would rather just sit in her little locked tower and look across the turrets and see her little prince in another locked tower, and she's happy that both of them are missing out at the fun. Yeah. As long as we're in this together, I would say, yeah, don't be here. Yeah. You can find a girl who will also kiss you and then also let you talk to other girls. Yeah. The big two. Is jealousy more prevalent in high school? I mean, I guess it's around forever. I think it's around forever. You just deal with it better as an adult. Right. At first,

you're just like, I don't want to do that, so I'm just going to make a rule where you can't do that. And then you realize this guy's going to break up with her, and she's going to be like, oh, maybe I can't make up rules that make me a dictator. I guess you recognize that people are free. Yeah. Also, this type of jealousy sounds insane to us because we're so far past it. You're not allowed to go to any parties. Obviously, that's fucking crazy. Yeah, that's so weird. How do you get into that? How does she say that? And you're like, okay. Maybe she started off little by little. Oh, don't go to this person's party. I don't like when you drink, so I'm not going to go to parties, so I'm not going to drink. Finally, I'll go to this party, and I'm not going to drink. No,

I'm nervous that you'll drink if you go to the party. Yeah. Cheat on me. But I was saying, in relationships now, I feel like a big thing is, oh, you can't talk to this one person that makes somebody jealous. Oh, yeah. It's a lot more of a sneaky jealousy. You never be like, oh, don't go to this party. But you might be like, oh, when you talk to this person, when I hear you and this person communicating, I get jealous. Right. I remember getting in trouble once in a relationship because I was talking to a lady next to, in the same party as my girlfriend, and I was so confused. Who are you talking to? Yeah. I was like, wait, why are you mad at me? She's like, you were flirting with another woman. I was like, I guess I was talking and joking,

but I didn't think that I was cheating on you, and I could get away with it. You were on public display. You're here. So that's a little more of a gray area. Is that okay to say that you don't like that? That you don't like your guy flirting with other girls? I don't know. I guess it's always okay to say anything you feel. I think you have to say it without an expectation. If your girlfriend was like, hey, I saw you flirting with that girl, and you're never allowed to do that again. Okay, quiet. I think my reaction was bad. I thought I construed that as flirting, and it made me feel bad. Then you could be like, I'm sorry, it wasn't, and I don't know. All right. If you saw a lady friend of yours flirting with a guy, can you say no?

Can you grab her wrist and say no to that? I think, well, the difference is, can you yank the leash? If my lady friend was flirting with a guy, I can grab her wrist and say no, and if I flirt with a girl, I'm a pimp. Why is that fair? Yes, all men. Hashtag no all men. I think, I don't know. It's flirting such a gray area too, because you can sometimes it's sort of empowering to be like, oh, I'm going to watch somebody flirt with somebody, or I'm going to flirt with someone and know that I'm off limits. Also, certain people aren't flirty inherently, but other people, I don't really know how to talk to people if I'm not joking. All right. I'm sorry if I'm charming always into everyone. Is that flirting? Well,

that is considered like when you are joking and laughing. I guess that's what people would call flirting, but to me, I think it'd be more intimate if I was sitting down and having a conversation where I wasn't joking with someone. Right. If I was having a serious. That's more dangerous. Yeah. That's like, uh, shit. Jake's letting his guard down for somebody. That's not okay. Yeah. What is it like to talk to someone and not make a joke? I guess I'm flirting with everyone I meet. Guys, girls, older, younger. Yeah, I don't know. Dude, if you want me, you got to have the whole package. That's what I tell my ladies. That's why you never have any success with me. Yeah. Yeah. Because early on, I'm like, babe, if you want all this, there's a lot of shit that

comes with it. And she's like, all what? And I'm like, I'm pointing to my body. And then she starts sort of giggling to herself. And I say, why, what's so funny? You don't want this? She says, no, not really. I'm like, well, if you did, she said, I don't like, well, you got to, there are some rules and regulations that you got to deal with. I'm not even interested with the baseline, let alone the added value. Leave me alone. Yeah. And then you're like, well, wait, I'll change for you. Yeah. I mean, better. Yeah. I like, I try to twist like, if you want dinner, you got, if you want dessert, you got to get dinner. And then, but they look at me and they're like, that's not dessert. You're broccoli. I don't want you or dinner or dessert. You're not even food. Yeah. You're a rock. So it's

like, to them, I'm saying, if you want to look this rock, you got to, you got to eat ice cream. And they're like, no, I'd rather just not look the rock. Yeah. Just leave me alone. Yeah. So that's, that's me. So if I were you, what would you do with this guy? I think you should break up and have a year. It's going to be more than a couple years of fun. You can have 10 years of fun, right? You'd have a lifetime of fun. Yeah. When you go to parties, you're going to realize, holy shit, I would have missed out on a lot. Yeah. And you might even be lucky enough to meet a girl who's going to let you go to parties and go to parties with you and not, and trust you and not be jealous and restrictive. And the more, the more doable thing you could do,

if you really love this girl, I'm rolling my eyes, as you can tell by my slurred, slowing speech, then you can tell her, listen, I want to be with you and I also want to go to parties. Yeah. I guess you can take it or leave it. Right. You should, you should, I guess, I mean, not that she necessarily deserves it, but you could always just like tell her the new rules, which are that she doesn't get to make rules for you. Yeah. If she doesn't like to go to parties and she doesn't like to drink, you would never say, hey, you have to come to the party and drink. Yeah. Just the same way that she shouldn't say, you can't go to the party and you can't drink. Never impose your ideology on other people. Here we go. As a general

rule. Hi, I'm general rule. We should have that, like a cartoon guy, like Captain Crunch. That's your next guest. Yeah. General rule. Yeah. And what was your, Theodore Leslie. Yeah. Theodore Leslie and General J. Would you do the Theodore Leslie voice again? I don't know if I can do it exactly, but it's, I forgot already. Gay skeleton. Oh, it's crazy. It's just absolutely insane. Is that it? I don't know. Oh, shit, honey. I don't think so. All right. Next question. This one comes from, actually, this is kind of cool. It comes from someone named Cousin Larry Appleton. Wow. Yeah. Very cool. Yeah, Mark. I'm excited to see you read the third and the fourth question. I already loaded Wikipedia. Don't worry. All right, good. Luckily, well, we'll get to it.

Hey, guys. Cousin Larry Appleton here. Pretty cool. I matched with a girl on Tinder months ago, and she was nice and decent looking. We kept talking for a couple months on Snapchat, Facebook, and WhatsApp. She was cute and kind of funny and got me. I started to think maybe this could be more than just a hookup thing. I told her this and she reciprocated. Fast forward to some weeks, and we both happened to be in England visiting family. We both live in Hong Kong and agreed to meet up for a date of sorts. We meet in a mall, and I see her, and she's not as attractive as the photos. We had a decent time, but I no longer want to hook up, let alone go out with her. She's nice, and I wouldn't mind keeping her friendship, but I don't know if that'd be weird.

She keeps hitting me up on the previously mentioned social networks, and I'm rarely replying. My question is, how do I tell this girl I don't want to do any of that stuff anymore, but we can still talk without giving away my reasons of her not being as attractive as I thought she would be? Oh no. Love cousin Larry Appleton. That depresses me. But isn't that a common thing with online dating? You see pictures, and you're like, oh, this person could be attractive, and then you meet up, and they might not be as attractive. The photos that I choose, that one would choose, are the most attractive photos. Yeah. Well, I guess the trick is to keep them. Those are the seven most attractive frames of my existence. You can't see me like that always.

But I mean, you're also like, I don't think you would choose a picture where you're like, this is such an attractive picture of me that it straight up doesn't look like me. No, but they could be like, oh, I mean, there would be people who are better looking in photos than they are in real life. That's fair. I guess the trick is to keep it light leading up to the date. There's no sense in promising a relationship and more than a hookup before you've even met her. Yeah. Because she's funny on Snapchat, and she got you. That's the other- How does somebody get you over Snapchat? We're talking about Facebook, Snapchat, and WhatsApp, and she gets me. Well, you can tell, you know, a good text message,

oh, this girl's good. This girl's good. Yeah, but you never, like, she gets me. She gets you. Oh, this girl's okay. Yeah, we could have banter, and I shared some stuff. There's no such thing as getting somebody over WhatsApp. Well, especially when she's lying about her physicality, but that's a lesson that he can take to the next girl. He wants to know what he should do with this lady right now. I mean, like, you've met up once, and you're, like, talking on these apps just fade away, dog. The old fade away. The Jake Hurwitz. The two artists of fadeaways are Michael Jordan and Jake Hurwitz. Yeah, dude. Yeah. So what's your fade away? Yeah. Yeah, you let one medium of communication disappear. Oh, entirely. Cut off WhatsApp.

Boom. So, like, there we go. Right off the bat. The three-headed monster's down to two. Facebook. We're responding more rarely, more rarely, and then we'll just leave it at Snapchat, and that's fine. Uh-oh. Down to Snapchat. We're looking at, like, a photo, like, and back to the future. The people are just starting to disappear entirely. Two dodged texts that are bailed, hang out, and you're good to go. That's it. That's it. Three strikes, and you are literally out of her life. And I think you say ultimate, like, you bail on a hangout, and then you say, um, I'm so sorry, I'll hit you up when I'm free. Oh, so the ball's in your court, and you never hit it back. You steal the ball, and then you call the game. Yeah, like a little

obnoxious kid brother who's playing ballboy at a tennis match. You grab the ball, streak across the net, and then just keep running. That's it? Yeah. I think that's the move. What do you say, though? It's like you're playing tennis, and then instead of hitting the ball back, you grab the ball and run off. Yeah, I guess that's the best, or sorry, most cowardly way to get the job done. But does he get the job done? Yes. And also, I think at least her feeling is a little bit intact. She's confused rather than hurt. You know how they say honesty is the best policy? Nah, fading away and lying is the best policy. Confusion keeps him happy. Or at the very least, not upset. Yeah, what's better, the blunt honest truth, or the societal fade away which

sort of everyone agrees is just masking the truth. What's the blunt honest truth? Like, hey, I'm sorry, I just thought you were ugly when we met. No, it was like, sorry, I wasn't feeling it when we met in person as much as we were. But you're a great person. Thanks so much for your time, bye. I don't know. I'm not sure what I would rather have. Well, I think I would rather have the confusion because it wouldn't confuse me. I've like played the game enough to be like, okay. You get it. That's it. That was her saying that she doesn't like me. Right. A two dodged text and a bailed hangout. Yeah. Okay, I get it. It was letting me off nice and easy. I guess if she's not, I don't know, I would give her the benefit of the doubt and let her and assume that she knows

how dating works these days. Yeah. And to be like, all right, sorry, I can't hang out this week. And if, but if she persists and you can tell that it's like causing her some type of real anguish rather than like, because confusion, I don't think like really latched like, oh, where'd he go? Fuck it. It doesn't matter. He sucks. That's what I imagined. Any girl who I vanished from this thing. That's how you sleep at night. That's how I sleep. You just assume that she hopefully has 12 other guys. I don't sleep at night. I stay awake in bed knowing full well. Contemplating my life decisions and knowing, well, I don't have to, I don't have to worry about having a nightmare because I am the monster. Absolutely. Your life is a waking nightmare.

I am the demon. You don't have inner demons. You are a demon. You are an inner demon for somebody else. That's right. So have you ever been faded away on? Probably. Have you ever been hated or discriminated against? I have. I've been, what is it? I've been protested and demonstrated against. I don't know. Yeah, probably. I can't really think of it right now, but... Well, what about that lady that you met once on Tinder and then you messaged her and then she didn't respond for a month and then you messaged her again? Don't you have a funny... Oh, yeah. Well, I never met with her. She, we matched on Tinder and she was really hot and I was like super excited. I messaged her. She didn't really respond. She didn't respond for a little or no, wait, she messaged me. I don't know

what happened. We had like a back and forth conversation and then I asked if she wanted to meet up and she didn't respond. So I just let it sit for a month and then a month later, I responded. Is that a yes? Yeah. I feel like you're good at that, waiting the good amount of time and then making a joke. Has that ever resurrected the defibrillator text? A couple times. Getting someone off a relationship off life support? Yeah. I'm not like never to like much success, but I feel like I would... If like something was fading away or if on Tinder, like somebody didn't respond to my first message, I would just like needle them in a funny way. Because you're already at zero. There's no going down. It's like, wow, sorry, you don't believe in love.

I can take a hint. Let's get a drink. I don't know. I've never been faded away in a way where I was like, oh, I thought that date went really well. Why do you want to see me again? Why are we not going to see each other again? All that stuff is just messaging back and forth. It actually turns into anything. Either way, that's the advice. I think fade away unless you can sense that she's going through turmoil, in which case, tell her not the truth truth, but a light version of the truth. Like I wasn't really feeling a connection when we met up, but I would love to be friends. Right. Then it's like, maybe she'll be like, oh, thank you. I appreciate the honesty at least. Well, what do you think? I would say it's good to be honest if you can muster up the courage,

but if I were you, I would probably do the fade away thing too, just because I like to avoid confrontation because it benefits me. You're making fun of me for choosing fade away. You were like, oh yeah, vanishing is the better thing to do. Yeah. Yeah, I would do that too. Oh yeah, just because I make fun of you for something doesn't mean that I'm not at fault too. It's just easy for me to also. You're the monster of my dreams as well. Yeah, I throw stones and I'm not, I'm not just a glasshouse. I'm a glass human. I'm a glass man. I'm a Mr. Glass. So you can kiss my heart's not made of glass because I don't have a heart. I'm a heartless, glassless, translucent being. Glassless, assless, deaf and dumb. That's right. All right. Make it happen.

Okay, so we've killed two relationships so far onward to the third. We are just slaughtering, slaughtering lover. Let's call this person Jennifer Lyons. Wow. Boring to him. All right. Jennifer Lyons writes, oh wait, it's a guy. Let's call this guy Donald Twinkasetti. You remember that character, Donald Twinkasetti? I barely remember Larry Belky. Hey guys, longtime listener, first time not given a shitter. Any whore, here's my dilemma. I've been in a band for about a year now with my friend who plays guitar and his girlfriend who plays bass and sings bass. Oh, I'm a loser for that and his girlfriend who plays bass and sings and me. I'm the drummer. We've had about 12 gigs and all

as well. Actually, all is not well because my friend's girlfriend's voice sounds like a gecko being strangled by a rusty pipe. I've brought it up to my friend and he agrees with me. We've actually tried to push for a new singer but she throws a hissy fit every time and one time she actually left the band. She's back now but she left the band, which is very selfish. If you were me, what would you do? Thanks, Donald Twinkasetti. What does she do in the band? She plays bass and she sings. Oh, so they need her because she plays the bass. Yeah. That's funny. It's almost good that you got rid of her. Well, they need a singer. It's just funny that the friend agrees like, listen, I know my girlfriend sucks but

whenever we broach the subject, she throws a hissy fit. You think the hissy fit would cause the end but no. Right. It's still happening. Especially her quitting the band is almost fixes the problem. Yeah. If she throws one more hissy fit and wants to leave, that's it. That's problem solved. She'd be like, okay, fine. We'll find a new singer and a new bass player. How hard can it be? Or a bass player as I called it. What would you do? He also said that she left the band but now she's back. Like, can she force that? That's right, bitches. I'm back. Oh, damn it. All the best artists are emotional like that. You have to understand. Yeah. Especially bassists, they're here today, gone tomorrow and then here again the day after. So what to do? I guess if you just throw, if you

tell her one more time, if you sit her down and have a conversation with her, whether she throws a hissy fit or not, it seems like she should be out of the group. Yeah. It's two against one. That's the joy of having an odd number. It's not like a partnership. Record yourself and play back. Just be like, do you hear that? That screeching? That's you. Yeah. Nobody wants someone who went through a fit. A hissy based fit actually. I would categorize it as a hissy fit. Yeah. It's also hissy fit is what it sounds like when she sings the chorus of your songs. Gekko with a rusty pipe. The real problem would be if the friend didn't agree with you. But as it is right now, he's on your side. Right. Which must be really weird on their relationship. Yeah. Anyway, that was weird,

babe. Sweetie, I love you. Your voice sounds so bad. We love you playing the bass. We just want another hot chick to come sing. Oh, that's a good compromise. Stay as the bassist. Let's find a new singstress. Well, dude, it doesn't matter that she wants to be that way. She doesn't want to play the bass. We want to try to sing. She was a singstress for the band. Yeah. I mean, I've been in a lot of relationships where the lady doesn't think I'm a good singer. I got over it because I'm a bad singer. Well, you never been in you. It's not. You're actually pretty good. You must see. You've been with a lot of girls that are talking shit. You can sing. You got pipes. Why do you think I fucking threw them to the curb? You said that you got over it.

They all dumped you. Yeah. And then after I got over it, I kept them on the curb. Well, I think this girl must just like being the singer. She's probably jealous. She wants, she doesn't want to just be the bassist in the corner. She wants to be front and center. Well, here's the good thing. One, you're not dating this girl. You have no allegiances to her. Two, your friend, it seems like he's down to choose the band over her. You got to straight up move her to bass and find a new singer and say, this is the Dems or the Breaks. Don't like band, people in bands start like new bands all the time. Like, hey, we're like jamming with this other person too. Well, we still like this band. It's still cool, but we're going to take on this other

project with a different singer and that's going to be fun as well. Yeah. Or sing, write a song that only a guy can sing. If a girl is the singer of a band, are all the bands from the point of view of a woman? Um, no, they're all, I wasn't like, um, what's it called? Rilo Kiley has, um, was like a female male, a male song, right? Or a male, the guitarist is male and he, I know he like writes some songs. So like sometimes when she's singing, it's like still from the point of view of a guy. So she's like saying, Oh, I miss you, baby. I wish she would just come back from like one of those songs, but yeah, it's like, um, it's about a, she's like singing it to a girl. So he, they should just write songs that she would not feel comfortable singing. Perhaps

something that's racially motivated, perhaps something against the ice bucket challenge. Oh yeah. Take a stance against like perhaps a pro Ferguson police marching song or something that she feels just emotionally unable to perform. Christ. Yeah. That way you sort of maybe like she'll embrace it and then you'll know for a fact that she is, she was cutting out. Yeah. And then if she embraces it, say it was a trap just to see if you would take the bait. You're out of the band. Uh, you can kick her out of a band or you can start a new band. If you kick someone out of band or if you take the only other member and start a new band, it's the same thing, right? Oh, there are no rules. It's a band. Yeah. Is it,

is it a new band at that point? Or is it the same band with a different singer? I don't know. These guys sound like they're like 17 years old anyway. How good is their band? They've had 12 gigs. Have they? That's what he says. All right. By the way, good for you guys. Keep it up. The guy, the guy I mentioned, Danny Twinkissetti. What was his name? Yeah. Danny, Donald Twinkissetti is played by the actor Ernest Cibella who did the voice of Pumba and the Lion King. Mr. Carosi from, say by the bell, the beach years. What? That guy. Wow. Yeah. So I don't know. Unrelated but awesome note. G flat, an unrelated but awesome note. Oh, didn't someone say you sang A or E or C sharp?

Somebody tweeted at me. I think two people tweeted at me that I, that I sang a C sharp. Yeah. But my E was flat. You said you had, you said you had perfect pitch. Yeah. And then I said sing like a C and then you sing. You said sing a C sharp and I sang C sharp. So let's do it again. D. All right. Oh wait, here. Okay. D. Yeah. Give it to me again. Okay. Should I say the same letter or should I say a different one? Whatever you want. Okay. D. D. B flat. B flat. Oh no, I was saying B flat on your D. Huh? Your B flat. What? Oh, you're saying B flat on the D? Yeah. Yeah. D flat. B flat on the D. Of course. Of course. Now B sharp on your D. All right. My head exploded. B sharp.

F flat. A sharp D. F that. F that. That F flat. Let's move to a flat. And B sharp. B sharp on your F sharp. All right. Let's take a breaky poo. A little breaky poo. Thank God. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Thank you, BetterHelp. If you're finding yourself in a difficult, anxious, stressful situation, talking to a professional licensed therapist is the best way to navigate yourself out of that difficult place. And it's not necessarily easy to find a therapist, especially one in your area. But BetterHelp makes that all easy because it's online therapy designed to be convenient, flexible, and suitable to your schedule. You just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And you can switch therapists at

any time for no additional charge. It's incredibly helpful. Therapy has helped millions of people over thousands of years. So give therapy a try. It can give you the tools to find a more balanced life. I've tried therapy. It's been very helpful. So you can find that balance better with better help. All you got to do is go to betterhelp.com. If I were you, you do that today, you can get 10% off your first month. So the prices are already affordable because you're not paying rent for a building somewhere that you have to drive to and wait in a waiting room. This is done entirely online, but you're still getting professional licensed help. And it's extra affordable. That's betterhelp.com. If I were you, check them out. Thanks, BetterHelp. Thank you to Squarespace

for sponsoring this episode of our show. Wow. For years and years and years, we've been ranting and raving about Squarespace because it's the best way for dummies like me and potentially you that don't necessarily know how to code or design to create a professional looking website. So if you're building an online portfolio for yourself or a loved one, or you want to sell stuff online, you can do an online store. They have 24 seven live customer support, email campaigns, data, you can even purchase a domain name through Squarespace. For example, I didn't even look this up, but there's no way you can't buy a mere Blumenfeld is a good dude.com. I bet that's available and you can have it today and you can buy it through Squarespace and build an awesome

website dedicated to me or I guess dedicated to anyone else in your life. And maybe you want to give somebody a gift this season, a summer birthday coming up. Who doesn't want a website? So the best way to do that is to go to Squarespace.com slash if I were you for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, Squarespace.com slash if I were you free trial. Everything looks good. Let's launch it. Just use that offer code if I were you to save 10% off that first purchase. Thank you, Squarespace. Fine, go. What do you want to say? Anything? Yeah, it doesn't matter, right? It's more fun when I'm interrupting.

You're taking that away from me. All right. What else? What else should we talk about during this break? We are dangerously close to going to London. Oh my goodness. For two shows. And the tickets are dangerously close to being sold out, actually. So please, if the podcast The Late Show is not sold out yet, it will be very soon. And there's still a few more tickets available for the early show. That's at seven Monday, September 8th. Then we're going to Manchester and those shows are already sold out. So fuck off. That's crazy. We're selling out cities we've never even been to. How do they even know? How do they know who we are? How do they get this show there? We haven't even been there. About what? You put it on the internet. What are you talking about?

Is it world? Is this web? You're a constant self promoter. You bought several billboards in the area. You even flew there yesterday, by the way. So don't say you've never been there. You flew there yesterday with a megaphone. You're handing out leaflets in the streets of Manchester. So please, come on out. Information on jaconamere.com and if I were you show.com. We're also going to Berlin after. Just for chill. Yeah, that's just like a chill zone. So we should death hang there. Just to hang. If y'all have any tips or tricks, it's like a video game level. If you have any tricks to beat Berlin, let us know if there's like a secret place. We can't get past the boss. We can't beat Berlin. How do you beat the boss of Berlin?

Yeah, that'll be fun too. Yeah. Got anything else? Got milk. I have milk fucker. You want to nipple me? Jesus. All right, let's get let's just fucking get back to it then. Ass. All right. We got one last question without you. Okay, this is great. We're going to be fourth question. Really, male fake name Harriet Winslow. Sound familiar? Oh, that's right. A spin off. The mom for family matters was a character in perfect strangers before family matters before family matters. Why did they do it that way? I don't know. Was the character so successful that they wanted to give her own family? Clearly not.

Was it just a way of like trying to segue like perfect or like siphon perfect stranger fans to be like, Hey, look, this is almost the same show. Yeah, keep watching. Keep watching. And now you like family matters. And she wasn't even a big part of family matters. No, not at all. It's not like Urkel work there. Right. It was just it was all Carl and an Urkel by the end. Yeah. It's as if like there was another show after Friends called like Cunningham and Gunther was the uncle in it. It was Joey. Yeah. But this is even more less of a thread than that. I would have watched Gunther. Yeah, I'll watch a fucking Gunther spin off right now. I don't give a shit. I'll watch seven seasons of Gunther. How many seasons of Joey do you think there were?

One. So over under 20 episodes of Joey. I guess I think there were 22 episodes overall. Joey looking up on Wikipedia. There were ready 46 episodes of Joey. That's pretty successful. It's two seasons of Joey. Yeah. Good for Joey. Good for Joey indeed. God, this how sad was the series finale of Joey when Joey finally got it? When Joey's finally eat the turkey. Yeah. Yeah. God, that's so sad. I'm going to read the log line for the last episode of Joey and then I'll ask the question after Alex gets really excited about planning the wedding. Joey thinks she might she wants to get married. However, it turns out she doesn't

want to get married ever. Michael thinks he's the best man even though Jimmy asked Joey. Jimmy and Gina both get cold feet before the wedding. That's the last episode of Joey. Where the hell's Ross? So Ross is just straight up not in Joey? I was sure Ross and Chandler were on the show. Just that Joey was the be all end all of sorts. All right. Harriet Winslow writes, Every day I eat lunch in the same deli. I sit alone and just skim through my emails. I often have different guys sitting next to me and talking to me, but today I really hit it off with someone. We both blew off work. I'm a writer. He's in finance and spent all afternoon drinking together and talking. I had an amazing time. There are two problems. I have a boyfriend that I've been with

for a year. He's a great guy, but we've never had any sexual tension and our intimate life has always felt pretty procedural. He moved away a few months ago and being in a long distance relationship hasn't helped matters. The other issue is that the guy I met with had a date planned this evening and he went ahead with it. I'm not a dick. I'm in a relationship and if he had a date he should go on it, but the girl in me would have liked if he canceled to stay out with me. My question is twofold. Should I break up with my boyfriend if I'm thinking so seriously about dating someone else and two, should I potentially date this new guy? We really seem to connect. Thanks. Love every episode. Sorry for the essay. Harriet Winslow. Ms. Winslow. Ms. Winslow, you are

low. It's funny how she mentioned that thing just apropos of nothing. She's like, I met this guy. I like him. I have a boyfriend. Should I ditch my boyfriend? Also, something he did really irked me in a way. He went out on a date, which is fine. Anyway, should I ditch my boyfriend? Which wasn't fine. He went out on a date and it's okay, but I'm a little pissed he didn't cancel for the taken girl he met at the coffee shop. I think he should have canceled his date and put all his chips into the basket of this girl who's still not completely sure that she should break up with her long-term boyfriend for him. Yeah, I think him going on the date was all right. I think that's fine. That's kosher. He's not cheating on you. I think if that irked you,

try to find a headspace where it doesn't. Search your mind, body, and soul to just be at ease with that. You're already jealous. You're already in a bad relationship with this guy. She's actually put her foot down and said that he can't go on any dates until she makes his decision. Especially if there's any drinking or parties involved. Yeah, oh my god. You don't understand. This is all fucking one person. So for sure break up with your boyfriend. Really? If you're already getting jealous of other guys for going on dates, not even just having crushes, but full-on going into angry jealous girlfriend mode and strangers at the cafe that you're at. Can you imagine her explaining to her boyfriend why she's in a bad mood? Like you sound upset, baby. Oh, it's dumb. I just

I'm at another guy. What? And he's going on a date with another girl. It's like, did I mean nothing to him? Sorry. Wait, what are you talking about? Baby. I'm jealous of another guy. What? Yeah, it sounds like you're not in a good enough relationship to especially deal with being long-distance. It wasn't that good before you were long-distance. The sex was bad and not your long-distance. So it seems very unsustainable. I like that she described sexual tension as a good thing. She's like, we've never had any sexual tension. Tension's kind of a good thing. Yeah, but usually that's a negative thing. There's sexual tension. No, sexual tension's hot. It's like, oh, there's like sexual tension. It's like boiling over. Yeah, I guess that's true. I always thought

of sexual tension as a negative. Well, I don't think it's a negative. It was weird to hear described in the context of a relationship because sexual tension to me is what happens before you have sex. And it usually is like, there's sexual tension here because I'm not supposed to sleep with this person, but I want you. Like sexual tension is probably what she had with the guy in the cafe. But she'd never had that with her boyfriend. She just doesn't have a very passionate relationship with her boyfriend. There's no sexual chemistry that she would have preferred. So why doesn't she, for the third time in this show, break up with your significant other? We are the relationship executioners. But definitely break up with your boyfriend.

I wouldn't necessarily say you're ready to jump into a relationship, especially if the jealous variety with the stranger from the coffee shop who had a date that didn't cancel, that he didn't cancel. But I think she's only going to break up with her boy if she wants this. Like this guy is the only reason she would break up. She just wants a guilt-free reason to be with this guy. I think you should just like, yeah, but then if you're doing that, you're just searching for reasons to break up and you already found it. But there's always like, whenever, I shouldn't say whenever, but like once I was at the end of a relationship and I had a crush on another girl and I was like, does this crush cause the end of the relationship? Or was I already so over it

that I was able to have a crush? I think an ending relationship is a long, dark tunnel and a crush is like a light at the end of it. You're like, wait, look, there's hope after this relationship that I can feel new, exciting feelings for somebody and I could learn about them and we could fuck and it will be beautiful. Yeah. And this person has everything that I don't have with my current person because I don't know this person very well. She's a stranger, which is good. I think crush is sort of served to show you what you can have if you get out of the bleak relationship. But I know people, I think it's hard to meet somebody in a coffee shop one day that is going to be like, make you question your whole relationship. I feel like your

relationships on the rocks and questionable if somebody can like go in that easily and mess with it. End it. Agreed. Let's swing the axe of the relationship executioner. We need a guillotine. Any final words? Yeah. This relationship doesn't sound very hot and heavy, exciting and fun. And you're in a new place. Enjoy your life. Chase after this guy who went out on a date who was probably the best date of his life. He was so charged after that cafe thing that he was just like a better version of himself. He got along, it was perfect. She finally breaks up with her boyfriend and this guy from the cafe shows up raining at his house. Doesn't he remember her? Babe, I just wanted to thank you. You made me realize how much I love this girl that I went

on a date on. I love her more than I can ever love you. Maybe we can double date. Me, the girl that I'm in love with, you, your boyfriend. How are you feeling by the way? You ate a lot of egg salad when we were sitting at lunch. Yeah, you must have ordered three egg salad sandwiches. No, no. I just, I was one, but it was really big. Jesus, it must have been the equivalent of, God, three glasses of mayonnaise and close to 24 hard-boiled eggs. Yeah, you still have some egg in your teeth. My God. Anyway, I got to run. Eureka. Eureka of eggs. Eureka of eggs. So that's that. That's three dumps and one other question I forget. Three dumps and a, wasn't it the band one? Oh yeah. Three dumps and a kick your girlfriend out of the band. I think we can call that a

perfect game of four dumps. If I were you to listen to these two guys, that'll die alone. That's it. If you have your own questions, ideas, theme song submissions, or we're also accepting new thumbnails for our podcast itself so that when we put it on Facebook, we have a nice new image with every episode, that the email for everything is ifirishow at gmail.com. The opening theme song was recorded by Chris Leggett and this closing one is from someone named Zoe. So thanks, Zoe. Thanks, Chris. Thanks, you guys. Thanks, everybody. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks. We'll be back on Monday. Bye. Hey, this is Dr. Drew and you have been asking for it. So here it is. We're going to give you three episodes of Classic Loveline every week. That means more, Adam. Oh, shut up. Or me. Listen,

listen. And more of those amazing Classic Loveline show moments. I was just mad at this stuff and Adam's like, oh, who wears the pants in your house? How dare you put up with that? My wife knows not to behave like that because she knows. Your wife calls the show and yells at you during the show. Download them every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at podcast1.com.