If I Were You - Bonus: Bread Sandwich (2020)

Episode Date: January 6, 2025

In this episode we discuss country clubs, our first jobs, and high school crushes.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a head gum original. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you. Show.com Guess what? Yeah what? Fuck you. What did I do?

We were enjoying the song, we were dancing, we were nodding, you were giving me thumbs up the entire time, then you do a weird dance move and double flip me off. The big double fuck you for that. Why? I thought you were gonna flip me off and I got so red with rage that I'm like, I gotta beat him to the punch. I hadn't thought about it, that's the craziest thing.

I was like, maybe I'll do a dance move and flip him off. But then I was like. But the fact that you didn't means that I got it ahead of you. So fuck you. Oh, so much dandruff. Yeah, yeah, if you're watching this as a video podcast, I just gave the universal sign for fangool. What's that?

It's Italian for fuck you. That's, yeah, it started because like people would have very itchy chins. Is that what? So like instead of flipping off, you'd like sort of like throw the dandruff at people. Scrape up from the neck. It would blind them.

It would flick it towards you. Yeah, it's really dusty in here. You can kind of tell, like the beard motes are. Yeah, it looks like LeBron James about to play basketball. What's that one? What's that one? The big ol'. Fuck you, I don't know.

Yeah, that's the. The T sort of. One elbow to the other. Fist straight up action. I guess this is sort of like a fucking. That's like what that. Oh yeah, like a pounding of, this is sort of like a fucking. That's like what that. Oh yeah, like a pounding. That is actually kind of like a fuck.

Like when you get your fist all the way up the ass. It's like all the way up to the elbow. When you get your fist all the way up the, that's insane. Isn't there one that's like wearing somebody like a puppet? Yeah, like in England or something. Yeah. What's that one?

That's like when you get two fingers all the way up the ass and then you keep on going. What is, I don't's that one? It's like when you get two fingers all the way up the ass and then you keep on going. What is, I don't know that one. It's like a... Two fingers all the way up the ass and then keep on going. So that's the whole fist up to the elbow, up someone's ass.

Up the ass. You're trying to henson people. And what about this one? Fuck you. You're just talking about fisting people's ass, I think. Yeah. That's what this entire, I guess, cold open of this show has been, is you talking about fisting people's ass I think. Yeah. That's what this entire, I guess, cold open of this show has been is you talking about fisting people's ass.

It started with you double clicking me off. Two little fingers up your ass. And has ended with you talking about fisting my ass I think. How far we fallen, man? I forgot we were doing the, I forgot it was being videotaped. Right. So I'm sorry, but hello, welcome. You're still describing everything so welcome You know like imagine. I went up your ass, and I'm giving you the hello

There's like the viewer at home imagine. I went up your your ass. Yeah, so up the ass, and then I'm doing the What's it called miss America? Yeah, the miss the pageant way. Yeah, the beauty pageant, but I'm still in your colon Yeah, the mis- the pageant way. Yeah, the beauty pageant, but I'm still in your colon. So it's like this, but instead of my hand being sort of like- Floating someone around like they're a sock puppet. Yeah, exactly, like a sock puppet. Thank you guys for watching. So your last episode ever, I imagine.

Let's see it through. Let's see what happens, because it can only go up the ass from here. These are real questions from real people. We're going to give you a bonus Thursday video episode, Let's see what happens, because it can only go up the ass from here. These are real questions from real people. We're going to give you a bonus Thursday video episode, because that's what you deserve. As a patron, this one is more of a debate than an advice question. But he wants to know where we land on this. Longtime listener, first time writer, writes, what's a bread themed name rye? That's cool rye rye

rye rye rye rye rye I wanted to get your Sorry about yeah, I'm not sorry for the ass thing like a lady 2009 that you just buried in a bad way You fired Good lord, that's the president. I wanted to get your take on a debate I've had with some friends many years ago that recently came up again If you have two pieces of bread and in the middle of the said pieces you put another

piece of bread, is this a bread sandwich or just simply a stack of bread? Keep in mind all three pieces are the same type of bread. This is a debate that's happened at my summer camp in middle school and it nearly tore the camp apart. Not just us campers, but the counselors and the staff as well. It all started by me and five friends at dinner one night. After catching up with three old friends, we're 20 and 21 now, we had a good laugh remembering how stupid this was,

but we're all still extremely grounded in our stances. I'd love to know what your thoughts are, and maybe we can settle this once and for all. Camp kids are weird, huh? No. This is such a camp thing. It's a classic camp thing. It's a warm summer night. You got a stack of three slices.

Is it a bread sandwich or just a stack of bread? Sometimes I'm sad that I didn't go to camp, but I don't have that kind of camaraderie. Those bonds that people that like decades that forge friendships forever. But then sometimes I'm like, oh, camp kids are fucking weird. Okay, so you're saying anyway now that I've alienated This guy and all people that enjoyed camp. Yeah, I listen to the show you dismissed him. Mm-hmm Is if there's no condiments? It's just a stack of bread. It's not a sandwich at all I would say it's not a sandwich as well because there is no such thing as a bread sandwich. No.

That would mean a sliced loaf of bread is a bread sandwich. Yeah. Which nobody ever calls it that. No. It also would never eat a bread sandwich. The thing- Even with condiments. Right, and if it's three pieces of bread,

you have a club sandwich. There is a name for that. Yeah, but then there's other shit. Yeah, you need the other stuff. And so if you don't have a club sandwich, then you just have three pieces of bread. It's not a sandwich. Club sandwich is always triangular? Like, have you ever seen like a regular?

There's always a toothpick. Yeah, you need the toothpick. You cut into triangles, and they're each stacked with a pick. Why is that? Well, you cut a sandwich with three pieces of bread, and with a- You need pieces of bread and you need the pick otherwise it has no structural integrity. It's too tall. That's a dangerous pick though. Sometimes the bread expands to the almost the entirety of the pick. You don't see it. Yeah. That's got to cut people up. Oh yeah. It's

nearly happened to me. It's nearly happened to me. Over at Alcove. That's a place. You get a good club sandwich there. The interesting thing about club sandwiches is that like, I love everything on a club sandwich, except I don't need the third piece of bread. Yeah, why do they add that? Like I just like a turkey sandwich with bacon. It's just a BLT.

Yeah, that's great. You don't have to have more bread. What makes a turkey BLT a club? Is it just the shape of it? Or is it a third piece of bread? I think it was like a style that it was served at a club, as like a finger sandwich with With the with the big triangle and the pick and that's cool and the too tall

The the too tall stack you're getting chips on the side or fries on the side or maybe some rye right with Gun to the teller. Let me get a rye bread and some rye and fries on the side. I'm at the clubhouse talking to a caddy. I just did a back nine and now I want some rye and fries and brad on the side. Yeah, we're close. Have you ever caddyed at the club? on the side, right? Yeah, we're close. Not on the side. There you go.

Have you ever caddied at the club? That was one of my first jobs, yeah. I was a caddie. Really? Yeah. What do you do? You walk around with all the clubs. Do you have to tell them which one to use? I think there are some, I mean,

that's like probably a job that a caddie does, not at this club where it was just like the 13 and, I guess it was like 10 to 15 year old kids just carried the bag. 10 year old kids of 5th graders carrying clothes? I'm pretty certain I started doing it when I was like maybe 12. I was definitely... That's illegal. Of course that's illegal. It's got to be like 14 or 15. 10? Yeah, no, it was definitely not 15. I was...

Mr. This bag's a little too heavy for me I'm in fourth. I'm curious. No, I feel like I was 10 impossible. No way 10 It's not like a it's not like a hard. No. Yeah, it's not a hard job. It's not like a real job It's like a weird little like it's a thing you do at a country club for tips. It's a menial assistant You're just walking you're you're a bag a weird little like thing you do at a country club for tips. It's a menial assistant. You're just walking, you're a bag. You're holding the bag and you're following the guy. It's also a point, like you really only caddied for,

so we would just get to the club. We were not allowed to stand in front. You had to go stand in the back. Most people are taking carts out. They don't want to caddy. And then the few people that are like, no, I want to walk. Walk the course, give me a 10 year old. But I'm not going to take a bag.

Then like the kid goes and we carry the bag behind the guy. And do you ever talk to the guy or you're just fucking standing watching this guy asshole golf for four hours? I definitely never talked to the guy. Sometimes they would tell you to hurry up. Because you're 10. Hey, onward you little shit. You gotta keep up. Because you're 10. Yeah. Hey, onward, you little shit. You gotta keep up.

I feel like there was at least one time where like, oh no, it happened to my friend. He was going so slow that on the eighth hole, the guy was just like, I'll take the bag. You have to go back. Don't fire me, please. Was it nine or 18 holes? It was an 18 hole course, but not everybody did the 18.

Sometimes you just do the back nine, the front nine. What are you getting tipped on a back nine? Back nine and again a side of five with some rice and rind. What are you getting tipped on a back nine caddy shack? I want to say it was like $50. Wow. But I mean, that's your whole entire day.

That's like many hours. I see. You don't go, maybe sometimes you go out twice. What's the wages? What's the wages for a 10 year old who's working menial labor at the course? I feel like I don't know anymore, but I'm like projecting the fact that I got $50

if I did it once, because I remember feeling like it was a really good job. Yeah, like an infinite amount of money. When I was 10, I'm like, $50 is life changing. It's 50. I don't think it was like, oh yeah, you'll get 20 bucks for the day. I think it was like, there's an opportunity here

to make nearly $80. It might carry bags non money for the whole day That's a week of McDonald's. My mom can't say no. What are you also using money for as a ten-year-old? You know your parents buy you everything. Yeah, I was I don't think I was like saving up for anything I think I I just liked when I was a kid. I like I really wanted a job I thought it would be cool. It was like a grownup thing, like having a car. I'm just like, I want a fucking summer job. That's cool. And for this $50, I think I'll buy a Saab.

I do. So funny, because I did eventually buy a Saab. Well, it cost more than $50, but still. Yeah, but then I had a different job at the same country club. That's pretty cool that you got tipped 50 bucks at the end of a back nine. What was your first job? I worked at a tutoring center, so I would walk around to kids on computers learning math

English and social studies you taught well I didn't really teach as much as the software taught the kids. And then you just made sure that they were paying attention. Yeah. How old were you? Everybody comes in, I was probably nine. I think I was in high school. It's called Score Educational Center.

I don't think it exists anymore. Let's see. Score Educational Center. Oh. Look at that now defunct I guess you didn't do good Well, they're fucking blaming me in the Wikipedia page. Yeah, what the fuck is that? Holy shit, New Haven Country Club close to Everything we touch turns to shit So the kids would sit down at a computer and take these tests. It's like, you know, math can be fun.

This is how you multiply and then they would take tests and if they get like a good score you raise your hand and I would give you a fucking sticker and then at the end of the day you can change the stickers for prizes or whatever. How is that defunct? If you have a question also, it's like I don't know what this is, then I would come around and I would like answer the question, hopefully. But while it's happening, there's like, you know, kids coming in and out, cause it's like.

So how old are these kids? Elementary school, but it's like low budget tutoring. Instead of one on one tutoring, it's like, let me plot my kid here for an hour. It's a center. Yeah, it's a center. I wonder why they closed down. Cause you can do this shit at home now.

Yeah, I guess you can just do it online. Yeah, did you ever have educational software on your computer? I remember typing programs, like Mavis Beacon teaches typing. I remember we had games like Math-something, Math Blaster. We had PC games where you would answer questions and. Right. Yeah. They try to trick you into like doing math. That kind of thing.

Never worked on me. As of January 2008, Score operated 80 centers in eight states, but revenues declined 40% in 2009. Due to one negligent intern. He gave away stickers. I fucking, the whole thing came down like a house of cards because I gave a kid too many stickers one day and he bought an entire educational center. The jig is up Blumenfeld. I think I'm ready to cash in.

We owe him 12 million dollars. Poor upper regional management and internal weak structures led to a class action lawsuit for violating labor laws. I should have gotten cash for this. Yeah, class action lawsuit. You're eligible for that. Score employees settled out of court for an undisclosed amount. Oh my god. I'm owed at least a thousand stickers. I don't want cash.

Just give me the fucking magnets that I can cash in for a prize. Anyway, it's not a red sandwich. Oh yeah, that's right. Clearly not. Thank you to Quip for sponsoring this episode of our show. Oh yeah, baby. You better believe the goat, the goat waterpik.

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Oh, here's a question. Now we're talking about high school jobs. This is a question from high school itself. Cool. Long time listener, first time question asker. During my freshman year of high school, I had a massive crush on a girl in my English class. We never really talked much.

We'll call this guy, what's the main character from Catcher in the Rye? Holden Caulfield? Yeah, Holden writes, we never really talked much. It was mostly one of those silly adolescent hormone filled crushes. Fast forward to now, I'm 24 years old, scanning through a hinge and there she is. We match, we talk, we exchange numbers, but it's hard to tell if she's interested or if she just wants to catch up.

Here's my question, should I tell her about my old high school crush on her? Would it be cute? Would this help my cause? Or would it make me sound like a creepy guy who has never given up on a crush from high school? To be clear, I haven't been hung up on this girl since ninth grade.

It just so happens she came across my feet. Appreciate the help. P.S. Am I too old to have Jake be my stepfather? He's 24. No, I could be your stepdad. Okay. Yeah, introduce me to your mom. That's cool.

Yeah, we'll see if it works out. That's cool. Yeah. We'll see if it works out. That's cool. I appreciate that. I like that. I'm married, but we'll see. He's your son. I don't like to close the door on potential timelines for my life.

There is an alternate universe where I'm your dad. Focus on the first question. I think there's like a world where it plays well but it's kind of like high risk and since you've already matched and you're already chatting yeah there's not really a need it feels like you're you're flirting you're good let's not like let's not deviate from the plan. Yeah, maybe this will be a good secret for like after you guys get together. By the way, you know, I had a huge crush on you.

Right, I think it has more value being added like if it starts to work out than it does right now. You know, you always think about the ladies you had a crush on. I rarely think, did anybody have a huge crush on me? No. Am I the guy? No, no, no. Am I ever like the guy that's like there's this girl that I didn't know? Am I the guy? Have I ever liked the guy that's like,

there's this girl that I didn't know? You were the sticker guy at the closing math tutoring center. I wanted to cash in the stickers. Like maybe there's a girl I don't even remember. There wasn't. I had a huge crush on Shmuel that year. And now I came across him on Hinge

and I don't know whether to go for a love. Right, that would be the first time anyone's liked you in your 39 years. Insane to think. Like a lady I don't even, I can't even name out of a lineup. She doesn't look familiar to me because she wasn't my status. Your status? You had status? I was a rich little bitch in 9th grade.

And I would walk around like Richie Rich, flaunting my cash. You had a McDonald's at your house? That was the coolest thing that Richie Rich had he had a fucking rollercoaster And all I cared about was this dude gets a McDonald's in his house think about how inconvenient and gross that would be now Yeah, could you do that is already really really convenient? It's it's hard to go without like passing McDonald's if you wanted to eat there every day could you have a McDonald's in your house legally? Like you'd have to play employees, sure, and get food. Yeah, because I think you can franchise it. It would just be a McDonald's that lost a lot of money.

A private McDonald's. That's cool. How much would that cost? We're just talking about how bad of an idea it is. There's like a dollar menu. It's actually not bad. There's like nine McDonald's within. Because I'll do like a meal subscription service,

but that's like eight, nine, $10 a pop. Yeah. So if I can just get, if I put that money into like a little, not even like a whole thing, like a Mickey D's to go in my spare bedroom. Now with food delivery, you can just seamless yourself McDonald's. I want to smell the fryer though.

You know when you go into a McDonald's, you're like, da da da da. Like to have that at your house. I'm loving fries. And rice. Fries and rice. With a sort of rice. Tell this girl not yet, right?

Yeah, I wouldn't tell her, I wouldn't tell her yet. Let's see how this plays out. But it's a nice little card to have in your back pocket. That's a, it's a fun flirty thing. I just don't think we need to fire the bullet this moment. Quite yet. But it is a fun flirty thing, you're right. Here's a quickie. Okay. We'll call this guy Gary. Gary? My sister and I came up with the best new dating app that we could think of. romance back as we know it. The thing is neither of us know how to code or jack shit about how to run a billion dollar tech startup which we guarantee this will be.

So I was just wondering if you guys could give your expert advice as young ultra successful business nerds. Is there a way for us to partner with investors and pitch the idea without having to spend lots of money or risk our fire idea getting stolen. Thanks, y'all. I love that they're asking us. They have a perfect idea. Actually, give us the idea and we'll handle it. You trust us?

Yeah, you trust us enough to ask for your advice. Give us the IP. Can I have your intellectual property? I'll give you money. He said billion dollar company. And all we have to do is code the thing? Your arms are breaking. They're so brittle.

I'm a bat. I guess you'd have to talk to a programmer, give him a percentage of the company. Yeah. He's going to be working for free. I think that to me, the idea is the easy part. Everybody can have the idea. Anyone has an idea for a dating app. If you sit, I mean, I'm sure your idea is fire.

I'm sure it's very good. But what you do need is the people to code it. You need the right partners. Obviously, it's not us. Yeah, you need to, instead of giving this person, this third person money, you find the best person around and say, for a third of the profit, will you code this thing for free? My idea, your tech know-how.

I think you still need something beyond, like if, if you're just like my idea and all your work and you get a third, it's like still not enough. Well, it's, it's like you need to do something else beyond the idea too. So the sister and I, so it's Gary, his sister, and the programmer, three partners. You're saying the programmer deserves more.

Well, it seems like if you are splitting up a third and all Gary and his sister did is just like come up with a fire idea. Yeah, well the sister didn't really have the idea. It's just Gary. But the sister wants the cash. Yeah. I guess my, my theory at the very least is that you don't have to be so protective of the idea that you won't even say it. That's cool.

You can like go around and talk to people and see if you can get anybody else that's excited about the idea. And then you and your sister can general manage the coding or whatever. And there's something called an NDA, like a non-disclosure agreement. It's like, I'm gonna make you sign a piece of paper, I'm gonna tell you my fire idea, but you're legally obligated not to repeat it.

Yeah, I guess my real advice is that I, we're the wrong people to ask about this. Yeah. I think there's way more resources for people that want to have startups than us. Because we've never really. We do have a business. We have a business, that's true.

But we built it by accident. Have you considered building it by accident? So you wake up one morning and suddenly it's there? But we also, we have to enlist the help of people smarter, more talented than us. Yeah, that's true. And you do start small and you just like, you make big choices along the way. But you don't need an investor yet.

I don't think you need an investor. Maybe once the programmers there on the board making your shit. You've got to generate some buzz for free and then have a business plan and then if an investor seems to be a part of it, then you can try to make the round, see if there's any resources. That's cool. Maybe you can like take up a job being a caddy, then you like can talk to like Fortune 500 CEOs.

That's $50 under the table, taxed. That's right. Untaxed, I mean. Yeah. And then if they tip you even more, then that's cash as well. That's cash. Yeah. It's all on tax, but it is taxing

because you're walking the back nine. And you're trying to find the pitching wedge. And at the 18th hole, that's a par nine. Par nine? Nine par. That's such a hard hole. It's a 980 yard hole because you got to go all the way back to hole one.

That's right. So the ninth hole, you just turn around to try to hit it back to hole one. Mm-hmm the par nine par nine bar none Alright, that's it. That's our time. Thanks for watching. Thanks for submitting your questions Send them to if I were you show at gmail.com if you got some good ones Our regular podcast of course every. This bonus Thursday video on, every Thursday, right here on Patreon. Thank you, Patreon. See you soon, everybody.

Sick. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you. Shark.com. That was a Headgum Original. Hi, I'm Caleb Herron, host of the So True podcast now on HeadGum.

Every week me and my guests get into it and we get down to what's really going on. I ask them what's so true to them, how they got to where they are in life, a bunch of other questions, and we also may or may not test their general trivia knowledge. Whether it's one of my sworn enemies like Brittany Broski or Drew Fualo or my actual biological mother, Kelly, my guests and I are just after the truth. And if we find it great, and if not, no worries. So subscribe to So True on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts, and watch video episodes on the So True with Caleb Heron YouTube channel.

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