If I Were You - Bonus: Happy Ending (2020)

Episode Date: December 30, 2024

In this episode we discuss sensual massages, Craigslist roommates, and reading your partner’s text messages.Advertise on Segments via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HITGUM original. People throwing parties, ugly sweaters everywhere, stockings hung up by the chimney with care. It could only mean one thing. McRib is here. At Participating McDonald's for a limited time. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you Sharp.com Stop fucking staring at me, you pervert

You're getting shy, we're just doing the intro to the show I know, we're doing the intro, you're staring at me and smiling Undressing me with your eyes. I feel pretty fucking uncomfortable. Dressing you with my eyes. I'll keep this part in. We have, we should not keep this part in. Don't stare at me.

You're staring at my nipples and my smile. Ugh. I don't have to undress anything, just your smile. You have a smile. You think every time I... I'm not attracted to you in any way. Yeah, right. Physically or emotionally. The song came on and all I saw was your eyes on my gums.

You're an ugly piece of shit. You are an ugly piece of shit. I wouldn't undress. If anything, I would dress. I'd throw a blanket over you with my eyes. Okay. Yeah. All right, nice. Do you wanna take this again so you don't look like a freak?

Do you wanna take the intro again so you don't come across like some kind of weird, desperate loser with a vendetta against me for some reason? No, I don't think I wanna do that either. All right. All right, ready from the top. Stop. Oh, I'm gonna be sick to my stomach. Not doing anything.

Oh, look at me. Don't fucking look at me. Don't look at you. Okay, great. How are we gonna fucking do this then? I'm gonna look just past you. Is that fine? Ready?

Yeah. You're waving. Oh my god! Dude! Give me 30 seconds off. You're waving. Oh my god! Dude! Give me 30 seconds off! 30 seconds?

From you not looking through me, man. Windows of the soul. What did you expect we were gonna do today? Not look at each other? Just do a host of video podcasts where we didn't look at each other? You can stare at me, just don't undress me. I'm not undressing, and I'm not staring either. All right.

I'm behaving normally. You're behaving abnormally. OK, all right. Actually, abnormal is AB. My initial is normal. So when you say I'm behaving abnormal, I think I am behaving AB. Normal for you.

Normal. Yeah, that's abnormal for sure Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you're getting aggressive. Why are you balling up your fists? Then I think is you're trying to make it look threatening But it it's also in a way that makes it clear that you don't know how to throw a punch. I can throw a punch Give me a jab or a strike. I'll give you a knuckle sandwich. Ah! Box your ears. You sound like my uncle, man.

How'd you like that? Jesus. All right, this is a bonus Thursday video episode of our podcast, If I Were You. That's right. Advice, no ads, just the content, streamlined, straight into your veins. Let's do it No fucking around this time. Yeah, we don't even joke because these are like people are watching this or listening

They want bonus content. Yeah, like there's a serious dilemmas and they need the content and they need it to be bonus Yeah, extra sauce that Thursday drip. It's not about like what's funny or what's fucking silly I care a little bit about the comedy angle obviously Okay, let's just give them the bonus content and not spoon feed them too much about what they want They it's not supposed to be for not here to be like can I have a joke sir? No, they want like they don't want that yeah punch me in the face of the advice. Okay. No metaphorically This is a 21 year old New Zealander Kiwi who will call Kiwi

I feel like this is gonna really resonate with mr. Hurwitz Indeed, I'm a 21 year old New Zealander and I've been dating my amazing girlfriend for almost seven months But my girlfriend is staying at home with her parents over the break. And ya boy has been missing that sweet sex. We've just been on a week holiday together and I really missed her. Long story short, I cheated on her with a prostitute.

Jesus. Don't worry about it. What can I relate? Don't worry about it. It's legal around these parts. It went from me wanting a massage to learning about sensual massages to fucking a prostitute The whole problem is that she knew what was a foot from the get-go

The problem is I really don't feel bad. It felt like nothing Obviously my girlfriend won't be jazzed about it, but if I don't tell her no one would know Good job. you've discovered lying. If I don't tell her, she won't know. That's awesome. I know that I'm a piece of shit and my girlfriend is a hot 11 cent piece. Also the emotional support and companionship is pretty chill too.

My question is, should I feel bad about what I did? Should I go tell my girlfriend and get dumped? Or should I keep it a secret for possibly my entire life? Ooh. I'm down with him keeping it a secret, but I do think you should feel bad. Yeah, if you're gonna not tell her, you should at least feel so bad about it

that it eventually comes out. Can you at least, can you please be guilty? I think being guilty, feeling guilty. That should be your punishment. At least do that. Yeah, cause otherwise you'll just do it again. Yeah, and if you need help feeling guilty, just picture what she was doing

while you were getting a sensual massage. So like she was reading a magazine or on a job. Getting dinner with her mom. Or, you know, worst of of all is writing in a journal about how she hopes you're having a really nice time while you're away. So that'll make you feel appropriately bad. What do you think's the best possible result?

Is it telling her and then her being like, I'm disappointed but I accept your apology and now we move on in honesty and confidence with one another. I don't know, this really, I don't think I have a popular opinion on this. I am pro lying. Yeah, I think that that's, I don't think it's fine.

I think what you did was bad. I just wonder what the lie, what coming clean gets you except for hurting someone. Now that it's over, now that it's happened. The hard part's done. I'd advise you not to have done it, but now that it's here and you feel no remorse, I don't think, well, I guess I don't think you deserve

to have a girlfriend, but I don't, it doesn't seem like coming clean, saying, I'm sorry, I cheated on you, then having her be heartbroken, dumping you and having you be sad. Is that good? Is that a good outcome? That is honest, but everyone's just sad at the end. That's, yeah, that's like, that's what should happen

for the world to be just and right. But the other idea, which is kind of interesting, because he feels no guilt or remorse, which I disagree with. Almost like a serial killer. Let's leave that on its side. He's fine. She's also not knowing about it is fine.

Yeah. Where's the harm there? In maintaining status quo. Right. I guess the harm is if you actually don't tell her and don't feel bad, you'll do it again. Right. So this is why I think that the best scenario, best case scenario, which he won't do because he's sort of a dishonest guy that much I can tell, is to break up with the girl, but not say because I cheated on you with a hooker to say, I

don't think I'm mature enough to have a steady girlfriend right now. Why? Did you fuck her? You can't role play with like the knowledge of- You did it. I can tell you're not even that pissed of it. Did you even ask if you should tell me?

Why did somebody tell you you should tell me? Why did somebody tell you not to tell me? I'm surprised she doesn't have an accent, frankly. I'm from Dallas. Not even a Southern accent then? Not even, cause I grew up in Denver. I'm a 37 year old male. 37, 38. How old are you?

I'm 37. Yeah. Yeah. You 37, 38. How old are you? I'm 37. Yeah. You're not 38. No. God, that would be depressing. Can you imagine? No. Are you 38? 41, man.

What do you want me to say? That I'm 50, cause I am? I was born in 1970, even. Even? That's 50. No. Yeah. One nine seven, oh.

Big one, nine. Yeah, I think you should feel guilty. I think you should break up, but I don't know if you really need to break up and tell her the truth, because that's just painful for her. What if you like dip your toes into the truth, being like, I feel bad. I got a massage

When you're away, I don't care about a mess. I don't care about it. It's weird. You're a 90 year old British woman It's cute and then uh the massage ended with her like grazing My balls that seems inappropriate, but I don't mind well. It didn't quit on there the grazing of the ball sack got me hot and horny. Now I'm getting upset. It was kind of a happy ending, as it were. Although she didn't... Unhappy for me. ...hurt me off.

That would have been bad enough, I agree. She rode me until I finished, so it was sort of a happy ending. I guess when you put it like that, he really should, I don't know. I don't think he should come clean. I think he should break up. Oh, interesting. That's like half honest, half dishonest.

Yeah. She doesn't know the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I guess, I don't know. I really am not sure. Maybe you just gotta play it like, I do think you should not be together. Or what if, this is the best case scenario,

he doesn't tell her about this, but then he never cheats on her again. If you never do it again. That's fine. I mean, it's not fine, but it's better. Better than telling her. Feel guilty and never do it again, I think, will you get a pass because you get you only messed up once

Yeah, and it was with a prostitute. So there was no like emotional you're still in it's not like he facetimed her at night Mm-hmm, like that's really fucked up fucked up. This is an emotional cheat Yeah, this is just like human fleshlight of sorts. Jesus Christ. Why he called her a whore This is I'm not putting words in- I don't think he called her a whore. I think you did. Oh, yeah. He said prostitute, which is a lot more polite. Yeah. Yeah. You called her a human fleshlight.

No. I said hooker and I was like, is that an okay thing? And then you said whore and human fleshlight so I guess when history comes first will come for you first not guilty no but I am I'm getting a lot of rude emails yeah yeah yeah it was grim that emailed you look at your text he just wrote, take it easy on working women. Yeah. Oh, interesting. All right, cool. Let her know or don't. But at the very least, feel bad. We did not give advice. Well, you feel bad.

Yeah, feel bad. Feel guilty. Right. If you can feel the guilt and the shame that you're supposed to feel, then you'll let your heart guide you from there. But since you don't, you should tell her and then that'll make you feel bad and change you for the better. That's true.

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That's rocketmoney.com slash segments. Rocketmoney.com slash segments. That's correct. Thank you, Rocket Money. This person needs to find a roommate. A 26 year old dude from Atlanta will call him Dominique Wilkins, the human highlight film. Moving into a new apartment after living in a shared house

with four other roommates for the last two years. The apartment I'm going to rent is a two bedroom, two bath bargain I found on Zillow in an attractive location. The issue is that I don't have a roommate yet for the other half of the apartment, but I went ahead and applied and got accepted because it was rather reasonably priced. So I have posted on Facebook for a roommate and so far I've matched with one dude who I initially thought would be a good fit, but after thinking about it for a second, I'm

not so sure. I'm 26 and I work a full time job and a career, and I'm even taking some classes to get my masters. This other guy is a 21 year old freshman who doesn't have a job yet but says he's saved enough money to afford rent. I kinda just said fuck it and agreed to room with him. This whole shit kinda stresses me out and now I to pick a person and be done with it, but now I'm considering changing my mind.

If you were 26 years old and out of college, would you want to live with a 21 year old dumb freshman? What's your advice for choosing the right roommate? Thanks and happy holidays. Dominique. I think that a 21 year old can be as mature as a 26 year old and a 26 year old can be as mature as a 26 year old and a 26 year old can be as immature as a 21 year old.

Yeah. The age isn't the most important part. Right. I think there's other determining factors. I mean, the fact that he doesn't have a job is not ideal because you kind of want a guaranteed income so you can make sure that you pay your rent. But also you said that he could move in already. So you're a little,

it's a little late to have these thoughts, isn't it? Yeah, now he's, he sort of seems like the uptight one where he's like getting stressed out because this guy's a 21 year old. Also, why is he a dumb freshman? Yeah, he just added that. He's already getting mad at him and he hasn't moved in yet.

I think, and I bet he doesn't even do the fricking dishes. I mean, you should look over your correspondence and what made you think he could be a good roommate in the from the beginning and see if you can like get back there. I think there's a chance that you're just sort of like getting Colt's feet, but unnecessarily. But then if you look back and you're like, damn, there's lots of warning signs. You there's it's better to get out now, even though it feels like it's too late, than it is to have him move there, live there for six months and then need him to leave.

He hasn't moved his stuff in yet. Maybe you can ask him for his financial, like when he says, don't worry, I'm good for it. You can say, hey, I need to guarantee you have 12 times rent or whatever. And you can say, like, can I come over and talk to you about the financials so you can then see the state of his dorm

or wherever he's living now. That's cool. So you show up in a suit asking to see. Yeah, see if he's clean, see if he's normal. Yeah. And then he gets so freaked out, he's like, sorry, I don't wanna live with a fucking accountant Nazi. You can swing by, make it casual,

ask to see his tax returns from 2019 or 2018. That's all. Both, really. You want to see two years of guaranteed income. He hasn't filed 2019 yet. He hasn't filed that yet. So I misspoke. He's going to see 2018. You could see 2017. You could see what you're planning to file for 2019. He should have his 1099s by now. He should. Yeah, you should have your 1099s. They should have reported your earnings. You get a K1, the W2.

Okay. So I think there's that. The other thing I would say is if this doesn't work out, I would be curious to just live in a two bedroom and put the other room on Airbnb, especially if there's two bathrooms. Yeah, but then you gotta work with like, he's coming for a few days,

I gotta change the sheets, all that, yada yada. But you can potentially make some more cash. Atlanta's a city where people come in and out a lot. More work. It's a hub, but more cash. Potentially. But then you gotta live with that stranger. Have you ever Airbnb'd a room in your apartment? No, not while I was there.

Airbnb'd my apartment in New York. Sometimes I had it on Airbnb Airbnb and if I got an incoming message that looked good enough and I could just go home for the weekend or for a few days to Connecticut or stay at Jeff's. So you would make some cash on the side. Yes, subsidize the rent because it was too expensive. That's cool. But you could, in theory, do that.

And I mean, people that send you Airbnb requests have like reviews usually, more so than a 21 year old freshman would have. Right, so you can vet them properly. That's cool. All right, Airbnb it. Potentially. 20 year old college male with a semi-steady relationship.

Nice. We'll call him Jack. 27? What's that? 27? 20 year old college male with a semi-steady relationship. Nice. We'll call him Jack. 27. What's that? 27. 20 year old. 20.

This is the Jack. Dumb freshman. Jack writes, I recently heard from one of my best friends, let's call her B, that my girlfriend has been secretly reading texts on my phone without me knowing. My girlfriend over the past couple months, whenever we are hanging out and I was playing video games or something, would ask me for my phone to play Doodle Jump.

I didn't know Doodle Jump. Without hesitation, I said, sure, why not? It's just Doodle Jump. I just found out from my friend B, however, that while playing Doodle Jump, this sneaky woman would go into my texts and read all of them. I know this because my girlfriend told Bea about it,

and when my friend confronted her, my girlfriend rationalized it by saying, it's okay, he knows what I'm doing anyway. Then, of course my friend Bea told me everything. This really makes me mad because I feel like it's a major invasion of privacy. I didn't have anything to hide necessarily, but I still think it's a coy and wrong move

that just really grinds my gear and I want to break up with her now but I don't want to throw my friend B under the bus for snitching. My girlfriend doesn't know that I know this information and I don't want to tell her that B told me this. Is there a way I can break up with her without telling her that her friend told me all this secret info? Unfortunately B is gonna have to go under the B. The bus. Yeah. up with her without telling her that her friend told me all this secret info. Unfortunately, B is going to have to go under the B. The bus. Yeah.

It's I just, you want out of the relationship, I think with, with fair cause. Um, but if you feel like there's literally no reason besides the text messages, you have to tell her that, you know. What if you text another friend and say, I've been thinking about breaking up with my girlfriend. I think she's reading my text. Deep little fuck. Yeah. So then she is like sort of stuck in a gambit

slash prisoners dilemma slash checkmate. A rock in a hard place, yeah. Because you say, I think she's reading my fucking text, that human fleshlight horror. And if she ever just admitted to it, we're through. I'm breaking up with her. Besides, I know this other secret, that deep down secret about myself

that she wouldn't want to know about. Give her something. I guess if you call her a human fleshlight in the text anywhere, she'll break up with you, so that would take care of it. But then it's like, aha, I caught you. I caught you because you were reading my texts. That's why I do that once a week anyway.

Read your texts? No, I'll text a friend and say, I think Avital's reading my text messages. Oh yeah, I saw that text from you. Yeah, so like that way if she's ever reading it, she feels quote unquote caught. Yeah, but she doesn't do that. Yeah, and if she doesn't, then that's fine too.

You're a bad guy, you don't deserve a girlfriend. Do you know that? No. I actually don't then that's fine. You're a bad guy. You don't deserve a girlfriend. Do you know that? No, I Actually don't know that because that like hearing that puts a lot of shit into perspective for me Mm-hmm, and she does you read her texts? Yes I do because I don't trust her and does she say anything bad about you No, if anything, she's really nice to me and I'm really, I text nasty stuff about her. Your texts are awful and if she read them, she'd dump you.

And her texts are nice and you read them and you're still mad. Yeah, you're frowning. Yeah. You're small. You're tiny. You're petty. You're nothing. You're a dust bunny.

So what should this guy do? Confront his girlfriend? Yeah, I think they're... My thought is that if you're going to break up with her, cite any other reason besides the fact that she reads your text messages. And if you truly can't, then rethink breaking up with her. Because you might just be able to have this as a conversation. I do think that, unfortunately for B, you're going to have to tell on her. B was a good friend.

She was a good friend. But getting your relationship right is going to take priority. And it seems like if you break up with this girlfriend, is her friendship with B important? Or is it not? It seems like it maybe isn't. It's like, hey, everyone is gonna break, everyone breaks up with my girlfriend,

including you, B, because I'm mad at her because she read my texts. She's mad at you because you told me about it. Really, this is B's fault. Yeah, but I mean, I think in this situation, I would do what B did also. You would tell. I guess it depends on who you have loyalty to.

Who are you closer with? Yeah, I think I would tell, if I knew this was happening, I would tell. And if they're like, I wanna tell her, I would probably just be like, that's fine. What if you try to catch her? You don't have to blame it on B. You say, yeah, you can have my phone,

have fun playing Doodle Jump. And then you sort of notice her scrolling, and then you grab the phone last minute. What are you doing? God! Doodle jump? The problem is that that would still if that happens she's like oh sorry your text just came in I pressed the wrong button.

She can excuse herself. She's a devilish little piece of shit. Trust me I've done this before. She knows how to get out of it. She's a slimy fuck. So she's a snake. A serpent woman. I would just worry that like you catch her and she can explain it away and it feels like only a singular instance. And then you can't break up with somebody

over that. You kind of have to be like, you've got to pull the rug out from under her. All of the walls have to come crashing in. That's why I think the dummy text is the way to go. I've been thinking of killing my girlfriend. How maniacal is that? And then when you see her fucking blood pressure fall, you grab the phone and be like, what were you reading, sweetheart? What did you see?

Holding a gun. She stabbed you. And you would deserve it at that point. Beat all the everything. Oh, now I'm bleeding out. Gotcha! Yeah, this is a bad situation to pee in. I don't know what to do except for the dummy text.

You genuinely believe the dummy text is what he should do. The dummy text is foolproof because B is Scott Free, of course. And you catch her in a gambit slash prisoners dilemma slash checkmate move. You're obsessed with a gambit. You put her in an impossible position. And she likewise did the same to you. So you're sort of, you don't even have to have a guilty conscience for it.

Cause you're trolling her. All of this meta gaming the relationship shows me that it doesn't, you guys shouldn't be together, right? So I guess it's up to you how you want to break up with her. But breaking up just for this seems like extreme. Yeah, I guess I would agree. Semi-steady relationship. I feel like it's only semi-steady

because of all of this, right? What if you delete Doodle Jump? Yeah, I mean, you can always just be like, you can download Doodle Jump on, give me your phone, I'll download Doodle Jump. Then what will she do? No, you'll read my texts. I read yours.

You don't have Doodle Jump anymore? How will she read your text then? I have an Android. It's full with pictures and videos. I can't download Doodle Jump. I can't even rate it in the iTunes store. Well, we should download Doodle Jump. Have you ever played Doodle Jump? No, but I feel like, is it the one that the guy's like always falling and you just like make little drawings? And like.

Or, oh, I don't know. I thought it was like the guy who was like jumping from level to level. Oh. And it's like an up scrolling thing. Oh, that might be it. We haven't been into like, gotten super into an iPhone game as of recently.

Has it been since, swing? No, swing, that was good. There was crossy road. Swing and crossy road were big. Tiny wings. Snake game. The snake game? Yeah, snake verse block.

What's that? Oh yeah. I don't remember snake verse. I had such a big part of my summer a few years ago. What is that one? It's the one, it's like, you're like a little snake and you break through the balls, you're like collecting the yellow balls

that make your snake longer. And to break through the boxes, it like costs a certain amount of balls. So you're trying to break through the box with the lowest number to lose the last part of your snake, but then also collect the fives, the fours, the higher numbered yellow dots to get that many dots on your snake.

We were all trying to crack a thousand. That was like the goal to like get the dots on your snake. We were all trying to crack 1,000. That was like the goal, to like get the score of 1,000. I think we like had like 700, 800. Bleary eyed one night. I was like laugh crying, because I knew I was gonna get 1,000. And I was just like so happy. I was shaking.

And I just, yeah, I screen shot it. I was just like smiling and laughing. And Jill came laughing and Jill came downstairs like what are you doing? I started laughing harder because it's like how do I explain this? You let the lie to her and say you were reading her texts Anything to not get caught playing snakes versus blocks this guy at work Ryan is really funny with you Wow This guy at work, Ryan, is really funny with you. I love your private Slack combo, wow. All right, fun games, good times, good questions. Oh yeah. If you have your own, send them to ifeveryoushow.gmail.com

and thanks so much for subscribing to this channel. We appreciate it. You keep the lights on and we do need the lights. We sure do. Without them, two dumb idiots in a dark room Cracking wise then it would just be a regular podcast. Yeah, which we do do right every every Monday, yeah Headgum, right? That's fine, too. Yeah, that's good. Anyway, thanks so much everybody. See you soon. If I were you, if I were you,

if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I would do if only I were you. Shark.com. That was a Head Gum Original. Hey, hey, I'm Lamorne Morris.

And I'm Kyle Shevrin. And we're here interrupting your workout to tell you about the Lamorning After podcast, now on Head Gum. That's right. Every Wednesday a new episode drops and we... Wait, Lamorne, what are you doing over there? It's nothing, just... just polishing my Emmy. Why? Because we're now the only official HeadGum podcast hosted by an Emmy winner.

Is that true? Probably not. But Jake Johnson's on HeadGum. Does he have an Emmy? No. But he has been a guest on The Lamorning After. Which might be an even bigger honor. I mean, and we have other amazing guests like Glenn Powell, Raven Simone, the cast of New Girl and many, many more. Plus we play games, we tell stories, we poll the fans for questions.

We poll them for questions, yes Steve. Polling them constantly. Alright, up and down, sideways, backwards. It's a lot less weird than it sounds. You'll see. Subscribe to the La Morning After on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Pocket Casts, or wherever you get your podcasts. And watch video episodes on YouTube.

New episodes drop every Wednesday.