If I Were You - Bonus: Monkey Butt (2019)
Episode Date: September 11, 2023In this bonus video episode we discuss Amir's alter ego, Jake's childhood marriage, and why we always get sick on the road. Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See omnystudio.com/liste...ner for privacy information.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a head gamma region.
What is this a new if I were you podcast?
Well, kind of.
These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured
why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never
gave up.
That never unsubscribed so please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You recorded
at our old studio in 2018. If I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I want to.
If only I were you, sharp dot com.
First question is from, not even an intro.
A, you're too clad-
Clay for everything.
What is what's going on?
What?
We're not going to address the fact that you're wearing sunglasses for some reason.
Oh, yeah, these are kind of new frames I'm testing out.
During our patriotic exclusive videos.
During everything I'm gonna wear them.
They're like kind of...
I was here, been here all day, you haven't worn them.
You've not been wearing them all day, you're not testing them out for everything.
You only are wearing them for this video.
And I think, don't try to be cool.
I'm not trying to be cool.
This is sort of like, I'm Andy now.
And this is, what?
So this is, it's not fine.
It's not trying to be cool.
You're trying to be Andy.
You're Andy.
Andy doesn't try to do this or try to do that.
That was an amir thing.
You're nearing 40. And you feel like now is the time
to be able to do this yourself.
Andy's 32, which is kind of like the perfect age.
Honestly, you're not that young either.
Well, I'm still workshopping the age.
Andy could be 29.
No, he can't.
He lives in Glendale.
He has a...
So you're trying to assume a new identity.
I'm not a new identity. I'm fine with you.
Not a new identity, but like a personality or a person.
Not a personality, if you're giving someone a new birthday?
Yeah, well Andy was born Christmas Eve.
Okay, so you're having...
1998.
1998, that, I mean, that makes him super young.
That makes him...
I guess it does.
That's got a fun and he's 21
Years young right and his last name is young what oh, it's Andy young
Andy young
Is you now because you're wearing song you still have gray hair well get rid of that
That's an easy switch what else is bad about me. I guess you're about a mere that Andy doesn't have to deal with much anymore.
You're insecure. You're sad. You're a sad old man.
You have a bad attitude. Andy grins ear to ear.
Because everything is good for Andy's job. Andy's are journalists freelance mostly.
A 21 year old freelance journalist from where did you say?
Van Nies or something?
No.
He lives in Glendale, but he's from fucking...
Yeah, careful, because you don't wanna say something
that's not cool.
Detroit.
That is good, that's a good city.
But he's a, so he's a 21 21 year old from Detroit lives in Glendale
Freelance journalist for the Detroit. Oh you are Andy now
I thought you're still workshopping certain aspects of Andy including glasses
This is just Andy being Andy. He did alright. What does Andy look like without glasses?
Who looks fucking weird? He looked like that
That BDI little
Jew boy from the Valley. I'm so sorry that you feel like this about yourself. I
don't. Andy feels good for him. Actually, Andy's been tinkering wearing no glasses at all.
Oh, Andy! Andy, you're heinous! Well, that was just like a quick little preview of what Andy
could or couldn't bring to the table.
This is Andy.
So Andy lives in Glendale, where sunglasses in a studio.
That's cool.
Yeah.
He does freelance journalism.
Not really sure what that entails, but I guess you write stories
for random publications and stuff.
Vlogs, blogs, blogs. Vlogs and blogs. Vlogs, blogs, vlogs and blogs.
Vlogs.
You write about clogs.
Do you have a, does Andy have a roommate or anything?
Yeah, Andy has three roommates.
That's cool.
It's cool to be young and have roommates
because you're saving money on rent.
You live in a-
I live in a den.
Oh.
I don't understand.
You'd rather be a 21 year old that lives in a den in Glendale
than you're a successful guy. You're a standing a mirror. That's who you are.
Yeah, yeah, I guess I guess this is who I am.
Yeah, I guess, I guess this is who I am.
Doesn't have to be Andy. Doesn't have to be Andy.
You're right.
Can I see the glasses?
The thing is like a mere can't throw, but Andy can.
All right, Andy, let's see.
But like the problem is to be Andy,
I have to be like this.
All right, so now I can toss. But like, the problem is to be Andy, I have to be like this. So like, I can toss it.
You can toss me something.
But like, when I take it off,
it's back to being who I actually am.
Okay, let's see.
You mean the glasses?
Let's see if American cops, yeah.
This is a toss.
That's a toss.
Casual, easy.
All right, so tell you what,
what are the glasses back on?
Cause that was a bad toss, you were totally right.
And now, fuck it, why don't you toss me? Tell you what what are the glasses back on because that was a bad toss you were totally right and now
Fuck it. Why don't you toss me?
Now I can like toss you anything. There we go. Yeah toss me this okay
All right toss Andy Andy. Yeah, wow on a time. Okay. Take the glasses off. Okay. I mean your tosses
I'm here's like worried about hitting the mic.
That's like, that's how sad that is.
You're hitting it in the way.
Yeah.
Have you ever heard of yourself?
Put the glasses on and see if your arms still hurt.
I'm fine.
Whoa, yeah.
How do we kill a mirror?
What? How do we kill a mirror? What?
How do we kill this guy?
Right.
I feel like you can toss shit without getting,
look at that toss.
I'm like, that is-
Carefree.
So blind and I can catch shit.
You, well, you missed that toss,
but I feel like that must have been,
maybe you were like, you saw it a little bit.
A little bit, yeah.
How do we get rid of a mirror?
So it's just me and Andy.
Well, you and a mirror had a good thing going on.
Yeah, we did, but now it's over.
And now I just want to be with Andy.
So what can we do?
Maybe if we, like, I can tattoo sunglasses on my face.
That's not bad.
That way I can't ever take a photo.
I feel like we really have to like Tyler dirt in this shit.
I'm not like what?
Like what?
Does that intend to?
And then a fight club, Ed Norton just shoots himself
in the mountains.
I'm not gonna fucking Andy do that.
I just feel like Andy does it.
Like is it might hurt Andy?
Right.
I know I think what the sunglasses
nothing can hurt Andy.
I mean the microphone hurt you. Maybe if Andy jumped off a bridge, I don't think with the sunglasses nothing can hurt Andy. I mean the microphone hurt you
Maybe if Andy jumped off a bridge, I think Samir would die and Andy would live
Why would Andy do that? Well, who am I talking to right now? I'm here Andy
Now with little lines are starting to blur and you're like confusing me. I don't want to jump in my brain. Let me talk to Andy
What's up Andy? We got to do something about this fucking turd. No, I know I'm not even interested in it.
Why not really? I'm gonna convince him to do the punch yourself in the chest Andy and see if it hurts you or a mirror. I have a theory.
You're good. Let's talk to him. You take off the glasses.
And he take off the glasses.
Well, bitch, a mirror's like, he started to infiltrate.
The Jew is strong in this one.
All right. And he's not that funny, unfortunately.
I really like my time.
I like my time.
You can't do anything.
Your motor skills are not existing.
Put your glasses in your pocket.
It shouldn't be that.
Can you open your pocket with your...
Nice.
Now try to put the glasses in there. No one should be this poor at anything.
This is precarious.
But hilarious.
Very nice.
Good to have you back, bud.
This is if I were you, the only advice podcast on Patreon hosted by us.
I'm Jake. That's right, I'm a mere. Most of the only advice podcast on Patreon hosted by us. I'm Jake.
I'm a mere.
Most of the times this is a free audio show, but sometimes we'll give you guys bonus
video Thursday episodes.
Very cool.
30 minutes.
30 minutes.
Add free, completely add free.
Right.
Sometimes you do not.
Sometimes you do not.
Sometimes you do not.
Not gonna do an ad.
You're not gonna do an ad this time're not gonna do an ad this time.
Not gonna do an ad.
Sick.
Let's get into it.
First question.
I got a name.
Meandee's for underwear.
Meandee, that's a sponsor from our regular show.
Why would you even?
I'm just saying, if not even as an ad,
but if you want underwear,
I need to stop.
It's not a pleasure, meer.
It's what?
20% off your first order is all.
From you, if you use your-
Me, I use my call slash a mirror.
Are you selling ads on the side
that I'm not getting a piece of?
No.
Because that's not cool.
It's not even an ad, I'm just-
That's the mere thing, and that's why I'm like
hanging out with Andy.
Andy doesn't sell out because he doesn't have to.
He has these sunglasses.
Oh, that's a premier voice.
I have a frog in my throat.
Quick Andy! He's choking me from the inside.
Andy crawls out.
Oh Jesus Andy.
All right. This is from a lady who wants advice about her boyfriend.
So we'll call her Andrea. Nice.
Andie's twin sister.
We killed in the womb.
That's classic Andy.
Hey, Jake.
Andie, my name is Andrea, and I was wondering if you could give me and my boyfriend advice
about starting a podcast.
We have been talking about wanting to start our own podcast, but we don't even know where
to start.
We have no clue about what we want to do the podcast about, or if it's even a good idea to do one. If we decide to do one,
do you guys have any suggestions about what our show should be about? Also, any good equipment
you could recommend? Any advice in general? Another thing is, I'm still friends with my ex-boyfriend,
although I wouldn't even consider him a boyfriend because we only dated for two weeks,
freshman year of high school before he cheated on me.
However, we've been best friends for six years.
My boyfriend, without okay with me being friends with him,
are talking to him.
I do get it because I talk to him whenever we argue.
It's happening again.
What's happening?
But he's been my friend for six years.
Am I a bad girlfriend for still talking to him?
Should I stop talking to him?
Does my boyfriend have a right to be upset?
Let's talk podcasts.
Right?
You wanna sure SM7B and assure your boyfriend
that he shouldn't be jealous of thee.
Yeah.
You wanna zoom recorder and zoom out of that relationship.
That's right.
You want a good idea of your show before you start,
and a good idea about what you want in a mate.
A podcast is a lot like a relationship.
That's right.
You want to have idea and guidance going into it,
otherwise, the thing falls apart very quickly.
So what should her show be about?
How about, it's just fucking animals and every episode is about a new fucking animal
That's funny. It's just like this one will be about a bug and this one's about llamas and another one's about fucking
a tadpole or some shit
After that I can't think of other animals, but there's like, I mean, that's three episodes.
Oh, did I always say snake?
No.
You said tadpole llama and a bug.
Okay, snake.
Four episodes in, that's a month's worth of content.
At that point, you'll know if the podcast is gonna be successful
or not, and then, and only then, do you really have to
like rack your brain to come up with more animals
But I'm sure there are others. Yeah, you're coming up with the animals is not the hard part lamb
That's right. If you even just think about stuff that you eat and what's the podcast about so we have
You're just a bug you have a bug, but what's the podcast hold on a second? We have a bug
Lama sure tadpole. Yes, that's which is a which is on a second, we have a bug, llama, Sure.
Dadpole.
Yes, which is like a baby frog.
And then you're thinking of things that you eat.
No, you're not.
You have chicken, hot dogs.
Hot dogs, not an animal.
Beef.
What's the show gonna be?
It can be about beef.
Yeah, it can be about beef, but you need a premise. What's the premise?
You each each episode is you interview a different hog
So you want to talk to pigs about animal related content
Okay, and you could easily come up with dozens and dozens of animals. That's right. You could you couldn't but one could
Hot dogs not beef.
Yeah.
Pig.
Okay.
Pork roast beef.
You're just preparing food differently now.
A fucking cat.
That's the show.
That's the show.
In each episode, you interview a different animal
about what their life is.
It's not rocket science
Well, it's a lot worse than rocket science rocket science is useful and interesting
You're talking about yelling at a pig you can even do different snakes like if you've run out of animalized ideas
But you already interviewed a snake. There's other types because you have a cobra, a garden snake, and a rattlesnake.
Yeah.
There's other serpents.
I'll say.
I'm certain of it.
I'll say don't start a podcast without an idea.
Sounds like you have no real,
you know, genre that you're passionate about.
If you want to do animals, you really can use that one.
And I also wouldn't start a podcast with somebody
that you're gonna break up with, because this relationship feels like it's, wait, she
wants to start a podcast with her boyfriend, right? Yeah. Who is mad at her because she's
friends with a guy, a guy that she dated for two weeks freshman year. Yeah. That doesn't
count as an X. I don't think people you just like dated Pre-soft more year count as as an X pre-tenth grade for two weeks
Definitely right there's like the age and the amount of time before that person
I don't know the math guy, but it feels like there's some sort of like formula where like algorithm at the amount of time
Makes it more okay, and the age makes it more okay. So freshman year, two weeks, is like way down here.
Right.
Like the chart.
And then like, oh, my college boyfriend
that I dated for three years, that's pretty high up.
Oh, I see.
But like kindergarten girlfriend that I dated
during play time, okay, super low.
So here's the algorithm ready.
It's your age times the amount of weeks you were together
If it's under a hundred that number then that's a fake relationship. Interesting. I like that
Yeah, I think I that the so you're really sit with the throw me an example
T.I. 83 fully give me an age and a relationship. Okay. I was I
My senior year of high school, I had a girlfriend for
two years. Okay, that's legit, because it's 18 times 100 weeks. That's, that's legit.
That's legit. Yeah, but if it was a freshman year relationship for three months, then
you're 15 times 12. Okay, what if that's my seventh grade relationship
that I was with for two years?
You're what?
I was in a seventh, relationship in seventh grade
for two years.
Seventh grade, 13 for two years, that's long.
Yeah, that's 100 weeks again.
Say I don't think your formula is perfect because
maybe we should reset bar. Or when your 13 doesn't matter.
Oh, I see.
So you're saying your age should be a bigger factor.
I think so.
Because 13.
So what's the bars?
What if I was six, but I was with somebody for five years.
You were 11 by the time it ended.
That's serious then, right?
Did you have a fucking girlfriend of five years?
I was engaged as a first grader.
That can't be binding.
That couldn't have been binding.
I got a ring as you were six?
Yeah.
You engaged?
I wasn't aware.
When I got engaged, I was six when we started dating.
I was eight and a half
When I asked her to be with me. Are she said yes? Yes
When did you get married? We called it off?
Because we were too young. We didn't have our wits about us. Yeah, when we were at nine
We were like this is insane
It took you a lot of time
Yeah, and second grade you decided to see other people.
And second grade we need to experience life on our own
as fucking, like you're going to camp this summer.
Right.
And like you're eight and a half.
This is insane.
Right.
You're a third grader and eight.
You're a fourth grader at nine.
You want to see the world.
I want to see the world. That's a fourth grader. That's a fourth grader. nine. You wanna see the world. I wanna see the world.
That's a fourth grader.
That's a fourth grader.
Okay, so fifth grader rolls around.
Can't pretend down.
Fifth grader rolls around, you're like,
Hey, you're just dating around.
Yeah, for fifth grade, I did like a,
I did a lot of like soul searching.
I got my, I got my shit right.
I got my shit together.
What was, yeah. So what happens in sixth grade?
You feel like you're ready to settle down.
And sixth grade.
And I felt like I had done enough independently
that I was ready to meet Mrs. Wright.
But then I got braces and I realized that I could jack off.
And I was like, never mind, My life's gonna be this now.
And that was from age 11 till now.
Oh, no.
It's 34.
So you're like, I need to settle down.
I can jerk off and now that's 23 years.
Yeah.
And I am married for real though.
Exactly right.
And I finally stopped fapping.
It's hard to hear that, by the way.
And all of that, not just the fapping. Not totally, yeah, that makes sense. The whole life story was really sad. I have five that, by the way. All of that. Not just the fapping, but totally.
Yeah, that makes the whole life story was really sad.
I have five other animals for the podcast.
Let's hear two before we do it.
Giraffe?
Yep.
You even have.
You even have.
You even have.
You didn't have.
You didn't have two.
So you definitely didn't have five.
You can have two different giraffes.
No one's gonna complain.
Thank you to see the thing is for sponsoring this episode
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Wow, what a time to be alive.
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Thank you Athletic Greens.
Thank you to Squarespace for sponsoring this episode of our show.
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Speaking of animals, we got a 22 year old girl in New York City who has an issue called
monkey butt.
Is a real, that's a real medical issue. That's right, we'll call her Coco. We got a 22 year old girl in New York City who has an issue called monkey butt.
Whoo ho ho ho.
Is that a real medical issue?
That's right, we'll call her Coco.
Okay. Here's my problem.
I'm a 22 year old girl in NYC and I have monkey butt.
Is that like her ass?
Let me explain.
Okay.
About a week ago I noticed that there were some red spots
on my ass, not my cheeks, but the underbutt and crevice.
I promptly dismissed them as minor irritation due to wearing two types of skinny jeans.
Jake knows what I mean.
But as time passed, the spots have become what I can only be described as big-ass blisters.
It seems like some sort of friction has caused the area around my buttcrack to woo-ha
to blister painfully.
Okay?
First I tried to shield the blisters with bandades, which was not successful, and that brings
me to the second, potentially larger situation, which is that I've been seeing the super
hot boy recently, and we've been having incredible sex, and he's very fit so he can toss
me around for a long time.
I slept over at his place, lost my behind was covered in band-aids, due to the blister
situation, and by sheer power of will I kept him from discovering my painful secret.
My questions are these.
What should I do about the monkey butt?
What do you think could have caused the monkey butt?
And how can I hide it from this guy that I'm seeing?
Oh wow.
You know, I think you have to go to a doctor.
No, I could figure it out.
What are you talking about?
You need Benzoic cream, which is a prescription.
I can act on right, that's prescription,
because there's like websites online.
There's no need to have like,
you send me your data birth pharmacy,
and I'll give you a-
Why don't you think she should
as a good doctor?
Because I got it.
It's the-
You have other shit to do.
You have to like make these videos.
You have to like,
run headgum.
You have to do,
and antibiotic,
basically.
And that'll clear it up.
It sounds like, I don't know why you need to be like a quack
in addition to a comedian.
It just sounds like a back to your brain.
But you have one, you don't have to have multiple jobs,
as long as I say.
You're an amateur dermatologist.
Right.
You're like a black market quack.
And if that doesn't clear it up,
you're a pseudoscience.
Let me know.
And I'll write you a prescription.
It's illegal for retinets. You're a drug
peddler. She has anal acne. I don't know. I can write you a prescription. I can write you a
prescription. She wants to write an acutase. That's up your repository. Yeah. I want you to shove
acutase. I want you to shove acutase. And that'll fix your own leg. You're gonna land the blisters
yourself. I can land some blisters. You're gonna study them, you're gonna amp you,
take them and take them back to your lab.
Nah, I can't land for this.
I lance one into a peachy dish.
We'll take a look under a microscope.
Who's we?
Me and cousin of mine likes to do shit like this.
So I'll just leave it at that.
Who's your cousin?
Save.
Save?
Yeah.
Save Blumenthal. So his last name is adjacent to yours? save save save Blooming Thaw
so his last name is adjacent to yours
because it's through marriage
so it's just like they just have a similar last name
yeah my dad's sister married Ron Blooming Thaw
right and they had a kid
chase and save
they had chase and save and save
is the one that chase I haven't seen it forever
save is the one who loves to I haven't seen it forever, save is the one who likes to.
What do you mean forever?
Like it's been a long time?
No, like 30 years ago he just sort of walked away from us.
And then save likes to do like little amateur dermatology experiments and shit.
I wonder if Chase was a victim of one of save experiments.
Yeah, I never thought of it that way, but...
Really?
There's a chance. There's a chance.
There's a chance.
Because he had the zit ones,
and I haven't seen him since.
All right, so you're gonna recommend.
Retinee.
The cocoa goes and sees your cousin save
to land some oil on her ass and maybe disappear.
Yeah, I think what you want is not an oist,
wait a minute, it's not a cream.
What you want is a powder. A, wait a minute, it's not a cream. What you want is a powder.
A salve.
You want a gold bonds.
You want to dry it out.
You want to dry the area out.
And I think you maybe don't want to have sex for a little bit.
There's not a point.
You just get well.
Sex is an activity that'll make your butt crack sweaty.
You want to keep that
area dry as possible. What's the furthest you got in acne medicine? Like what was your
routine at its worst? I mean at its worst I guess I it was all just like over the counter
stuff. I would wash my face with Neutrogen or something. Yeah, like the orange one.
And then I would use like one of those oxypads.
An oxypad.
And then I also had this weird little roller
that I think was just like spot treatment.
But it was like, it looked,
it kind of looked like a tube of airborne.
And it had like a pincushion type pad on it.
You'd press it and like this
rancid smelling alcohol would come out.
So you were a dry, drying me.
I was trying to dry everything out.
And like I would have,
I would just like smear that shit on my,
I was, I was covering it.
I was, it was excessive.
It would smell probably.
Awful.
Absolutely awful.
But did you pop?
Were you a popper?
Yeah, I never liked a white head.
I would much rather have just like have it bloody and scar.
Yeah, the off.
But I was always like, I wasn't ever like,
I guess like the most ever was like four or five zits at a time.
But it would be like a big one on my nose
and a big one on my forehead.
Right, it was never like a rash or an acne
that I could never had like the full acne.
You had that, right?
I had like one step below that.
So like I was never given acutane,
but I was given like prescription,
like dry your ass out, make your skin red medicine.
It didn't help.
It made my skin really dry and red,
which felt like a lateral move.
Like instead of greasy and yellow, it was dry and red.
Were you a popper?
I was a popper.
I remember I had something that was so bad on my nose
that I think it was like a cyst.
It was not, it was not a, it was an a zit.
It was like so thick that I eventually took a needle.
That seems to be a regret thing.
Like I've seen you do that even after we met.
Or you've taken a safety pin?
Not a safety pin, but like a zit on your nose
that you have to deal with.
Yeah, like that happens to me sometimes.
But like, it now it hasn't not really been like
this lesson last.
Yeah, the cyst thing doesn't happen anymore.
That was like the worst thing.
It truly looked like my nose grew a second nose.
But yeah, I do, I like the biggest fear of getting a big zit on my nose.
And it's sometimes like my stress about it, I think, makes me have one.
I was petrified leading up to my wedding that I was going to get it.
What would you do?
Makeup, probably makeup.
Yeah, I would have just done makeup.
Yeah.
Wedding is big enough that I would just do makeup.
Sometimes I'll yell extrastive out
before we go on tour.
I'm like, I don't wanna deal with that.
Right, it's like, would you rather have that or a cold?
Oh man, that.
I hate having it.
I feel so sorry for myself when I have a cold.
I feel like we constantly have,
one of us has a cold on tour. Yeah
Yeah, always sleeping before after the show not feeling well. Yep. I
Yeah, we I don't know why that happens to us, but we always get sick on the road
It's probably because we travel that don't sleep drink poison and don't take care of our bodies or eat well. And shake a lot of pants. Yeah, so it's everything that you can do to get sick
is what we do and then we get sick.
Yeah, which is a bunch of a lot of people travel,
sleep less, drink alcohol, and importantly.
Yeah, that's definitely.
That sounds about right.
It would be, it would be a good way to see Amsterdam.
Well, well.
It's always like the first two days.
You're like, I think I could beat it. Whoa. It's always like the first two days, you're like,
I think I could beat it, I think it's just allergies.
And then the sneezing comes and you're like,
mm, yeah, it's over.
That's too late.
Cut to just sitting in a hotel room in Manchester.
Because we're like, I wish I could see the city,
but no, I'm too tired.
All right, that's it.
Only two questions, but you know,
30 minutes of content is 30 minutes of content.
Yeah.
Have you ever heard of a medicine called Zertec?
Yeah, I think that's for allergies.
Right, it's not Zertec.
It's not, it's some other medicine that begins with a Z.
Zertec, it's not, yeah, no, it's like a,
it's a powder that starts with a Z. Uh-huh. Then I really think this girl should get for her ass. I guess
Going to Z-pack. No, that's a that's the antibiotic
That's it. It's my dermatologist. I'm super late to an appointment
I guess she should actually talk to consult a real fine, but love you say it say it goodbye and I'll tell you okay thank you so much for
watching as always we'll be back next week preach appreciate your patronage
and you can listen to this show every Monday at headgum.com or wherever you
listen to your podcast I'm not gonna find it. There's too many medicines. I searched Powder Z.
And now I think I'm watching a movie.
Alright, in the next episode, maybe we'll start it with
what this powder is that you think starts with the letter Z.
Yeah. Bye everybody!
Later! If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'll tell you what I want to do.
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That was a hit, Dumb Original.