If I Were You - Bonus: New Catchphrase (2019)
Episode Date: October 9, 2023In this episode we discuss rock climbing, surveillance cameras, and our newest CAT-phrase.Advertise on If I Were You via Gumball.fm.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/priv...acy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.
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This is a head gamma region.
What is this a new if I were you podcast?
Well, kind of.
These are episodes that were living behind our Patreon for the last five years and we figured
why not release some of the best ones onto this feed to reward those of you that never
gave up.
That never unsubscribed so please enjoy this classic episode of If I Were You
recorded at our old studio in 2018. I'll tell you what I want to if only I were you.
Shark that top.
Bingo, bang go.
Welcome to the show folks.
Let's try one with a different catchphrase.
You're trying to what?
Do a catchphrase at the top.
Like every show that's good has like a thing.
Okay.
Well, we have a show that's bad now
because of your catch phrase, bingo, bingo.
All right, check this one out.
Okay.
We.
Shut the cup.
And it's about to get wet in here.
You're listening.
Why?
All right, all right, all right, all right.
Give me one more.
Let's get come drunk.
No, no, let's get gross.
Let me do one.
You're overthinking it. Just think about, well, we'll work on a T-shirt, right.
Oh, yes, Sissy fuckers.
Let's walk the plank together.
Yarr.
That's the shirt.
Argu Sissy fuckers, which is offensive.
You said like, come dropping, or something drunk come drunk. Yeah, I don't want to do
Okay, I'll do one more pirates are pretty hacky, too. I don't want not to want to
Try to do like three words boom big black letters on a shirt. We can sell it
We can sell it
What I've long to fuck your butt
So it's like a gay Dracula
Okay, you know anal sex with somebody that's the opposite sex, too
All right, so it's anal Dracula anal Dracula no no pirates, just be you. What would you say?
Ready?
Yeah.
Seaman shower time.
That's almost as bad as what you got mad at me for the courage.
Well, that's because it's not all about my head.
You do one.
Fuck enough, I can't think of any.
You go back.
Alright, man.
Alright.
We are where you should act. Who's ready for rice? and rice. The hour you shut that joke.
Who's ready for rice?
Why?
Why?
It's like an owl that likes,
it's like a non-offensive sort of a warm little help.
Like, you know when you get like a stomach ache
and you're like, I am ready for rice.
Like that doesn't get people am amp to listen to a podcast All right
One more for you, okay
Hey, I'm your mother
You've been a naughty boy
The hell is that I don't I I was just like trying to think like positive things
They were like nice like an old British grandmother
Mother it's nice. Thank you. You like you like looking at me like I'm a fucking psycho
So I was like weird. That was in you. That was in your brain and it came out. Yeah, I just I don't know
Sorry spank you. I didn't I didn't say spank you. Well, you said you been a naughty boy. Yeah, that's I thought it was interesting
All right, give me give me one more. Okay.
You never saw it if you don't grow. That's just like a song like the middle of a song. It's like
the second line in a verse of a of an old bad song. All right, you give me one more, but then we
really have to just lock it down and move on. Well, I don't want to just right, you give me one more, but then we really have to just lock
and then move on.
Well, I don't wanna just like,
I wanna give you one more,
but if it's not perfect,
we should like really workshop this,
but I think I have something.
That's something.
Because it can't be just a song,
that's be original.
Sorry.
What?
Or just saying it can't be like
biting off a smash-mouse song.
Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, we got it, okay.
It's only hour, you're my shard, I can't.
No, no. No. You want me to rise? You're the only one who can't do it.
You want any rice?
What the fuck was that?
What was that?
Doing like a cat, like a kitten.
Like we have, like having a mascot.
That's kind of original.
Okay.
I don't hate the mascot, but let me workshop it.
Okay.
If you like, yeah, if you hate the mascot, but let me workshop it. Okay. If you like yeah, I feel like the mascot
Hey me out your right star
Like I do I feel like we're getting somewhere. We're like close to cracking this
because Because now it's like a little bit of a parody like hey me out your right star, so it's like a little bit of a parody, like, hey, meow, you're a rice star.
So it's like a cat.
Smash mouth.
And then, and then also a call back to all the rice stuff.
Right.
Which I think landed.
Yeah.
The rice stuff worked just not the way that I was doing it.
I think it's good.
I just think it needs a little bit more.
I think I got it.
All right.
Here we go.
Ready?
Hey, Mew.
You're a rice star.
Get your rice.
Get rice.
What'd you change?
I didn't change anything.
I love you.
Just extended it.
I extended it.
I did.
I did.
I did.
I did. I did. I did. I did. Get rice.
Would you change? I didn't change anything. I love it. You just extended it.
I extended it because I thought it was perfect.
So now it's a cat saying,
Hey, Mew, you're a rice star.
Get your rice on.
Mew rice.
Okay, I just have one little thing and then I think we're good.
Ready? Okay, I just have one little thing and then I think we're good ready
Yeah Hey, Miao your rice star get your girl get Miao rice
Nice so you I could see that you added like a little bit of a cat pirate thing.
Yeah, I borrowed the pirate thing, which I thought we dug.
No, matey.
Yeah, so it's a cat pirate.
Yeah.
And it's, hey, meow, you're a cat star.
You're a, get your rights on.
Yeah, rights.
Okay, sweet.
So maybe we can just use that.
Yeah, they, we use that.
Do you want to do any,
like come stuff with that?
That's a good question.
Cause I know that was like sort of a theme for a little bit
if you wanted to do any.
We can leave, let's get come drunk for the way end.
Okay.
Like as a, as like the meow,
that's like the cat,
okay, the cat mascot comes back and it's like,
Mew, when I get to come drunk, that's good. Yeah, okay, the cat mascot comes back and it's like, Mew, when I get to come, Blank.
That's good.
Yeah.
Exactly.
Alright, so let's just start from the top.
Okay.
And we can both do it at the same time, so I were you, I'd tell you what I would do
If only I were you, sharp dot dot
Nyaa! Hey, Nyaa! You're a rice star!
Nyaa! You're a rice! Nyaa!
Rice!
This is a fire you.
The only advice podcast on the internet.
Obviously.
I'm a mere.
I'm Jake.
Um, yeah. Let us know what you think about the... The only advice podcast on the internet obviously us. I'm a mere I'm Jake
Yeah, let us know what you think about the
Catch work for such a long time that I would be surprised if anyone had a note or maybe they would like have like I like it But or like this is good. I mean if you have I would I don't want to I don't want to hear any notes
I if you have feedback. I'm down to listen.
If you have positive feedback,
we can just say feedback and it'll probably be possible.
If you have feedback, sound off in the comments section,
make sure it's positive, make sure it's nice
and supportive.
I just don't want to do like,
I don't want tweaks.
Yeah, even like a minor adjustment.
Even a suggestion would like,
really rub me the wrong way,
because I feel like you don't fine tune something and then have somebody be like, oh, that Even a suggestion would like really rub me the wrong way because I feel like you don't fine tune something
and then have somebody be like,
oh, that was a little off, really.
Yeah, because yeah.
If something's a masterpiece,
you don't want like a moron to be like.
Right, actually, you want to like,
like, try to, the 16-
The 16-traple, the 16-traple's great.
I just have a one note.
The thing is, you should actually be touching.
Yeah.
Who are you? Why? And why are you talking to us? Oh, the Mona Lisa is should actually be touching. Yeah, who are you?
Why?
And why are you talking to us?
Oh, the Mona Lisa, I really like it.
Beethoven's death is perfect except for one little thing.
Yeah, can we make or not smile?
Yeah, that'll be different.
Wouldn't be better.
Right, yeah.
So this is an advice show basically.
We're two pretty smart guys and we're in charge of telling people how it is what to
do and what to say.
Exactly.
So these are questions that we received as always, real questions, real people.
We usually just do this as an audio-only podcast, but because we want to get a little spicy.
Yeah, you're paying for the cat shit, then you're going to be getting a bonus video, ad
free, Thursday episode, every week on this Patreon. Shit, then you're gonna be getting a bonus video at free Thursday
Episode every week on this patreon. Yeah, there's also an audio version of this. I like that. Yeah, I actually really like that
So this question is from a
Dude, okay, it was a little scared scared
Shaggy dude guy shaggy's w Zoinks hey scoop. What do you think enough? Zoinks scoop? Oh?
Great
Wow The cat stuff is good enough. You don't like zoinks it up. Everything doesn't have to be a voice
I
Was doing this is so unrelated to the cat. I was just doing a shaggy impression
because they said shaggy, that's all.
That's funny.
It wasn't me.
Another shaggy impression.
Like now, just forget it.
Anyway, what would shaggy from Scooby Doo sound like
if he sang that song?
It wasn't me, Scooby Doo.
That's good.
Zoinks? That's good. Zoinks.
That's nice.
Here.
Let me get that real quick.
That's a switch plate.
That's it.
My girlfriend and I have been going out for a couple years,
right, Shaggy.
OK.
She lives at home and so do I.
And it will stay that way for the foreseeable future.
Recently, my girlfriend's family bought a house
and I helped them move in and build the furniture
and all that.
Wow.
Anyway, things were going pretty well
until they decided to get home security.
Today, I went over there and her dad installed
a motion detecting camera on the front door,
which records every time someone enters or leaves.
Okay?
To make matters worse, he installed a camera inside their kitchen,
which can see the entire room
and possibly record audio.
He can view footage from the camera on his phone.
And this evening, he texted my girlfriend
when he saw me filling up a glass of water from fridge
while he was at work.
I don't feel comfortable in this new house
and I feel paranoid that I'm always being watched
or listened to.
He said the light on the camera is green
when someone is watching,
but it was green the entire time I was there.
How can I continue to seize the cheese
without being caught by this mouse trap, man?
Have you ever heard of someone putting a camera
inside the house?
What's the point?
I guess to do exactly what he did.
Yeah, you stopped someone from fucking his daughter.
You're early here about the inward pointing ring.
You wanna see the intruders, but once they're in the house,
they sort of have fart blanche access to every room.
There are cameras that are inside the house,
like the Annie cams.
Yeah, the Annie cams for pets and stuff.
Those definitely exist.
So this guy, it's so unsettling, I don't like it either.
Yeah, but what could you do?
I mean, you can't do anything.
This is his house.
You built the furniture though.
Which was the detail that he only threw in,
I guess, just to brag a little bit, right?
There wasn't really a point.
I should be, there should be enough cameras and stuff
with all the angles, but with a blind spot,
this cone in the middle of the room
that he can sort of do whatever he wants in.
Right, that's off camera.
He probably can sneak in past this camera,
but the risk is once you have one camera,
you're like, I don't know where the other ones are.
Yeah, this place is probably bugged.
Did you ever sneak, do that in high school,
like the sneaking area?
Yeah.
Yeah.
And what?
This that's because it was like a work, a school night,
and you weren't supposed to be there,
like you weren't supposed to be there at all,
regardless of the time of time.
I guess it was like, I did the sneaking,
like, it's the middle of the night.
I'm having friends sleep over.
Somebody else is having friends sleep over.
Let's all sneak together and, like,
we'll hang out and people will hook up.
That kind of thing.
Like, or I guess I would like sneak over
to a girl's house some every once in a while too.
But that would be completely out and meeting up.
That was what I would do.
In the middle of the night, on the weekends.
Middle of the night, like what time was it?
It's like one or two a.m.
Jesus, that's really late.
I mean, not when you're a kid.
Like, you sneak out at two, what do you go back to your mom's house at like six in the morning?
Yeah, like, as the sun's coming up, like five, five, 30.
And then like, they're like, hey, why are you fucking dead tired
until two in the afternoon?
Or are they not waking you up?
I feel like you sleep, when you have a sleepover,
you'd probably sleep until like 11 or noon,
then you wake up and you're kind of tired,
but you're a teenager, so you're always a little tired
and cranky. Do you think your of tired, but you're a teenager, so you're always a little tired and cranky.
Do you think your parents knew that you were sneaking out?
Yeah, I got caught a couple times.
I don't think they ever knew.
But the thing with cameras,
you're like, yeah, with this change the game,
would they just like, yeah, I see, yeah,
there's emotional arm at 3, 5, 7, 8.
Yeah, like my parents just, like if I snuck out,
they didn't even really, they would be like, hey you like snuck out of the house last night
I'd be like no I didn't and there was there were times when they're like you snuck out of the house
And I'd say I didn't and I actually didn't
So I had like they would bluff sometimes yeah if like and sometimes if like something they just woke up in the middle of the night
They're like I think Jake maybe snuck out or maybe that was the cat
But like a camera is really
It's a the proof scene, the pudding.
Yeah, they have video evidence of you.
You never did that, huh?
No.
You didn't sneak around.
God, no.
I would be home curfew, of course.
Not too late.
Did you have a curfew?
Not officially,
but I would probably always be home around midnight or one.
Yeah, at the latest.
Otherwise, my mom would be worried sick of me.
They're not just sleeping while I'm out and about.
They're waiting up. Do they wait up? My parents were fast asleep when I got home always.
They were asleep but then by the time I got upstairs, I'd be like, a wake half asleep, asking you where
you were you. Right. Yeah, my parents had too many kids to give a shit. Yeah, when you have six kids,
one of them sneaking out. Yeah, it's almost good for business.
Yeah, it's great.
I had a lot of cover.
You want to weed out, it's almost like Darwinian.
Like if one of them goes by-by forever,
that's the one that shouldn't be part of the clan.
Jesus, I guess that's why they gave me such a long leash.
They're always hoping I was gonna come home.
You can sneak out forever.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you.
We'll just lock the door behind you. We'll just lock the door behind you. We'll just lock the door behind you. We'll just lock the door behind you. You have the girlfriend to your house. I mean, you can say like the camera makes me uncomfortable.
I'm not gonna come over anymore.
And the dad will probably be like, good riddance to you.
Yeah, because why would it make you uncomfortable
if you weren't doing anything bad?
Right.
Like, it's his house, it's his camera.
He's gonna watch it whenever he wants.
You'll be seen drinking water in the living room.
That's just the new reality, sadly.
Constantly staring at you, big brother.
But maybe you can make him feel guilty enough
that he like gets rid of the camera,
or maybe he'll get bored with the camera.
If you stop going over, he'll be like,
oh, we don't really need this camera.
That's cool.
Whatever this guy's name would stop coming around so much.
Yeah. It's not neat.
Maybe mission impossible cover the cameras
when you walk in like you're casing the joint.
Or speed style.
Replace the video. Oh, a video on a loop. So you're casing the joint or speed style replace the video of a video on a loop
So you're fucking the daughter in the living room, but all he sees is you getting water and it is a photo of the living room
Mm-hmm, and then just really then you sneak in behind the camera
Put down the photo of the living room. Hopefully hopefully it's just yeah, it just looks if he's not watching in that second because he hasn't seen you like coming on the porch
That's right.
Okay, yeah, so here's what you do.
You go to the porch, you got an I think that.
You bring the doorbell.
Yeah, no one's home.
So you leave and then he's like, oh, okay.
So and so, Jaggy stopped by.
Yeah. Now he's gone.
Then you sneak in the back.
Okay.
Photo of the living room.
Because now he's seen you arrive and leave. He's
not expecting you to be there. Then you and your girlfriend have sex. Then you remove
the photo of the living room. That's how you're tired. Yeah. I'm reading a newspaper. I
saw all that. You have sex on top of me. But there's a really it's a
black and white photo by the way my cameras are in color. This is a it's a
living room from Bob's discount furniture. Of course I was just a showroom it
says the price of the couch in the corner. I'm calling 911. Horrous.
You're breaking an entry. All right so the most you can do is say I'm uncomfortable
but you can't do anything about it. Ultimately, this is their house, their rules.
Correct.
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you feel. So you might as well try it for that too. Thank you Athletic Greens. All right, this is a question from a rock climbing dude. Oh
Should we call them honald? That's cool. Did you ever watch them movie free solo?
I've seen it. Yes, of course
How was it as good as people say you You didn't see it? No. Wow.
I love it.
I loved the first half on my eye watch.
You would love it when I was on a plane and it was sort of boring to me.
I used to.
We should watch it together.
I'll come over tonight.
You don't have to.
No, I'll sleep over.
It'll be nice.
You just need to place the sleep.
I don't even have to watch the movie.
If you don't want to watch the movie, if that's what's not letting you have me sleep over,
I don't care about the film.
I've never seen it either.
I know you don't care.
I just need to craft. You need to house. Yeah. I installed a security camera. I'll know if don't care about the film. I've never seen it either. I know you don't care. I just need to craft.
You need to craft.
You need to craft.
Yeah.
I installed a security camera.
I'll know if you're breaking into the house.
I've been there for a week and a half,
so you know that, right?
There's a dummy office that you've been sleeping in.
All right, honked rights.
I'm a 20 year old male in the States.
I've been rock climbing for six years,
and I love the sport.
Nice.
That's quite an unusual problem regarding my climbing buddy.
About three or four years ago when I was a junior in high school, one of my friends introduced
me to his girlfriend who was also big into rock climbing, saying that we should climb together
so that neither of us would go alone.
We did this and we grew to be good friends.
For three years, almost whenever we were both in town, we would go climbing together and everything
was great.
It wasn't anything of a romantic or sexual relationship.
Purely platonic.
We grew to be great friends, but this is where it gets shifty.
When my climbing partner went away to college, she came back with a 27 year old boyfriend.
Now I'm all here for her finding a good relationship because she's a good friend and I want her to be happy.
The problem is, he's super controlling.
He won't let her go climbing with me anymore
unless he comes with.
He even DMed me on Instagram a few weeks back saying
I should stop talking to her
that she doesn't want to climb with me anymore
and this was all her decision.
Obviously none of this is true
and upon confronting her about it,
she just kind of dodged the problem saying,
yeah, I know, I'm trying to get him to understand, but he just won't.
I even agreed to meet him in person after all this mess in hopes that he would just see me like an innocent friend
trying to get shredded at climbing.
But today I got another text from her saying that we can't climb together unless he's there too.
What do I do? This is insane, right?
That is insane. Why is she protecting him?
But it's also like there's I feel like him getting involved is just heightening the insanity for
It also like you kind of have to just be like if that's your shit
Then that's gonna be your shit, and I'm not gonna deal with it at all.
Right. Like, it almost like, but he's a good friend.
Right. So you just want to just like, all right,
good luck with this crazy person.
Right. But I think I feel like you just have, you have to have like a
serious exit interview. You can't, you can't like stay in there and try to
break them up because then it all, it becomes like a self-fulfilling prophecy or something.
Oh, that's good because he's like, see?
Now he's like saying we shouldn't be together because I'm crazy.
Right.
He's the crazy one.
It doesn't help that you're probably fucking ripped.
Starting climbing 16.
Yeah, this guy's 280 pounds soft and pale.
I'll go climbing with your asses.
How are going to be? Break the wall. I'll go climbing with your asses. How are gonna be?
Break the wall.
Ha ha ha.
I hurt my calf.
I feel like all you can do is just be like,
that's insane.
If he's gonna, if he like has to be their
shaper running out of climbing,
I don't wanna climb with you.
Ask any of your friends if this is normal.
And if they agree with you,
then more power to them,
but like I'm not, I have nothing to do.
Yeah, it has to be like a third party arbor derby,
and like, it's not just me saying it's crazy.
You can ask anyone of your friends,
they'll all agree with me.
I swear.
They will.
Everybody will agree with you
that you as a 20 something.
He's only 20, this guy's 27.
Yeah.
So if you're 20, you do not need a 27 yearyear-old chaperone to hang out with your friends.
You never should be in a relationship where your where the other person is so controlling
that they're convinced you will cheat on them as soon as you're left alone with some of the opposite sex.
That's just not a place where you should be. And if you have a friend that is with somebody like that,
It's just not a place where you should be. But if you have a friend that is with somebody like that,
it's like all you can do is,
I just say something before you leave, but then leave.
Because then maybe that person will say,
like, oh, I see all of my relationships have deteriorated.
And I think that's because of this one guy.
Yeah. Breaking up with a boyfriend has to be something that she decides to do. It can't be something that's because of this one guy. Yeah.
Like breaking up with a boyfriend has to be something that she decides to do.
It can't be something that you decide to do for her.
Hopefully, this seems like a type of relationship that isn't long for this world.
Yeah.
I mean, I can see the stress fraction is on already.
This guy's not going to be able to go to every single climbing engagement, can he?
Let alone every other engagement.
Yeah.
Because climbing is just the tip of the iceberg.
Right.
Soon it'll be like, wait, you're going to class?
There's 400 dudes there.
Did you, did you get that coffee at a Starbucks?
What was the barista a guy?
Yeah.
And was there a guy in the parking lot at Starbucks?
Probably I didn't know.
Okay, so you cheated on me, babe.
So we should break up.
No, I just have to come with you
and be with you all the time.
So it doesn't happen again.
I gotta dig my heels, heels in deeper, deeper still.
Can we get a baby Bjorn that's adult male size
for you to wear for me to be on?
Put this ring camera on your chest.
That way it's emotional arm for anybody that walks up to you. There's one facing out this one facing in
Inside you
All right two guys both controlling both jealous ones a father more forgivable once a creepy boyfriend
You don't want to hang around that right and. And the first boyfriend is normal, we should say, I, he's not creepy.
Yeah. The second one's a creepy boyfriend. Then we agree. Yeah. Lots.
All right. Cool. All right. Sweet. Thank you guys so much for watching.
What was the end catchphrase that we wanted to just sort of put in occasionally?
Oh, it was like the, the, the, it was like drum, the come drum.
But as a cat. Yeah. Yeah.
So it's just like me. Yeah, let's get come drum. Like, all right, how much time
do you left? Oh, yeah, let's get come drum.
Oh, I guess that's it. Now we're at a time. Yeah. Thank you guys so much for watching.
New, uh, if I reuse every Monday on our podcast feed new bonus video Thursday
Episodes every week on our Patreon. Thank you for your support. Let us know what you think about the catchphrase
As long as positive yeah as long as positive catch with a capitol. Yeah, so it's crazy
It would cancel like aprons or some sort of murder. That's a nice idea around it. Or like yeah like a pocket T with a little cat inside.
Yeah, and then on the pocket it would say,
Mew! Let's get come drunk!
Yarr!
Yes!
That's really good.
Nice.
See you next week everybody. If I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you,
if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, if I were you, I'd tell you what I would do.
If only I were you, sharp dot com.
That was a Hid-Dum original.
We're doing another He'd-Gum Happy Hour
as part of New York Comedy Festival.
Part of New York Comedy Festival?
Yes, that's legit.
We're finally part of a real community.
Amazing.
Monday, November 6th, at 9.30 pm at Kaviyot,
on the Lower East Side.
Classic.
Wow, Monday at 9.30.
That's a classic New York comedy.
Yeah, it's like a little late.
Yeah, but like Monday.
Yeah, I word the way for exactly.
Hosted by us.
Taking a mirror.
Whoa.
We'll probably preview some content from our new podcast.
Yes, yes we will.
So it's kind of curious about that.
Yes, true.
This show will feature Charlie Bardet,
Natalie Rotter-Late, and Eric Rahill, Jack
Benzinger, and Jeanine Garofalo.
Jeanine Garofalo.
How did we land Garofalo?
I don't Garofalo know.
Very good. That's probably with jokes like that.
Yeah.
And if you're not in New York, you can watch a live stream of the show. That's pretty cool.
Very nice.
So, moment.com, I imagine?
Yeah. Well, actually, tickets for that are at moment.co
Slash headgum happy hour. That's it. So if you want to watch it from the comfort of your own home
Not necessarily the same live show energy buzz slash that you're in 30 Monday shit
Yeah, but if you're like in I don't know or
Orlando or Iowa or Orlando
Yeah, and you want to watch it. You can do so at moment.co
slash headgum happy hour. The video will be available for five days after the stream.
Counting five, baby. So for more info and ticket links, just go to headgum.com slash live.
Right. Yeah, that's Monday, November 6th at 9.30 PM at caveat on the lower east side. More info at headgum.com slash live.
Woo!
slash live. Woo!