Imaginary Worlds - @ChristmasCarol: A Holiday Tale

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

This week's episode is an original audio drama. In previous episodes, I’ve interviewed Captain Hook, vampires, colonists on the moon, and H.P. Lovecraft’s brain in a jar -- or at least actors playing those characters. Now I’ve expanded my roster of fictional interviews to include iconic characters from Christmas tales. In this 21st century holiday tale, I am visited by supernatural entities who warn me that humanity is in danger because we no longer believe they’re real. Featuring performances from Torian Brackett, Alexandra Reed and Bill Lobley. Get 55% off a Babbel subscription at www.babbel.com/imaginary To claim your free 3 piece towel set and save over 40% off Miracle Made sheets go to www.trymiracle.com/imaginary and use the code "imaginary." Give one annual membership of MasterClass and get one free at www.masterclass.com/imagine Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Before we begin, I want to tell you about the new season of Birds of Empire, a cinematic event in podcasting. The series takes us to North Dakota 15,000 years after the fall of our civilization. The earth has reclaimed the cities of the modern world, returning humanity to a way of life that feels ancient and advanced. The history of our world survives only as myths and legends. Birds of Empire is about four different tribes in the land that used to be called South Dakota. The tribes are the wolves, the rams, the bears, and the birds. Book one, The Dawn Age, introduced us to the characters we're going to follow as they chart the rise of the first great empire in this new world. as they chart the rise of the first great empire in this new world.

Book two, The Seed of White Rock, weaves their stories together. Their destinies collide against the backdrop of war, natural disasters, alliances, loves, and losses. All of our heroes will be tested. Search Birds of Empire and follow now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now to never miss an episode. You're listening to Imaginary Worlds, special holiday edition. I'm Eric Malinsky. When I began this podcast years ago, I always knew that I wanted to do episodes where I didn't just cover imaginary worlds. I wanted to create them as well. Like in my 2015 episode about Peter Pan, when somebody

playing Captain Hook called me halfway through the episode. In another episode, I interviewed two vampires. I did an audio drama where I interviewed H.P. Lovecraft's brain in a jar. I did a roundtable discussion with actors playing colonists on the moon in the future. I also wrote audio dramas for The Truth podcast, which included another story about a talking brain in a jar. Apparently that was a thing I was into. It's been a while since I've done an audio drama, and I thought, it's the holiday season,

let's shake things up a bit and bring imaginary worlds into an imaginary world. In this week's Christmas story will unfold in three chapters. You will know it is time to turn the page when you hear the chimes ring like this. Chapter One, A Familiar Face So it all started when I got a text. I was working in my home office where I record my show. And the text said, we need to talk. I figured this was spam.

There was no number. I tried blocking the sender, but it didn't work. I even shut down my phone, but another text message popped up on the screen while the phone was off. And that one was very specific. It said, heard your episode on Dickens. Not accurate. We need to talk. Now, I assume they're referring to this episode we did about five years ago about A Christmas Carol. So at this point, I was getting curious. It's clearly not spam, but the situation was very weird. So with some trepidation, I texted this person back and I wrote, what did we get wrong? Believe it or not, that's when things got a lot weirder. All of a sudden, a person appeared in my office.

Like this entity just magically appeared in my office. I was so freaked out I yelled. I don't know if the neighbors heard me. But then I stopped because he wasn't a stranger. He was someone I knew. It was my high school history teacher, Mr. Brooks. But he didn't look like Mr. Brooks now. He looked like Mr. Brooks from like over 30 years ago.

I was so tongue-tied. But he very calmly told me to start recording. So I took out some mics and this is what happened. First question, why Mr. Brooks? That's what you're wondering. Yeah. Why is Tim Brooks here? Well, you loved his class.

He gave you an A. He wrote your college recommendation. So I figured this was a good way to get you to trust me. But I am not Mr. Brooks, obviously. I am the entity that you know as the ghost of Christmas past. I am so confused right now. And you're not dreaming either, by the way. I know you're thinking that too.

Are you reading my mind? Well, yeah, but that's not important. You want to know why I'm here? A few minutes ago in your time, I was doing the thing with this guy. You know, you've been a bad person. You'll be visited by three ghosts. Like, wait, you mean like a Christmas carol? Exactly.

I was trying to figure out who I'm supposed to be in this guy's life. So I decided to go through his phone because I wanted to appear in the guise of someone who he worked with. Oh, like Jacob Marley, that kind of thing. Mm-hmm. So while I was looking through his texts, I checked out his podcast queue, and I was like, imaginary worlds? Really?

What's that? So I binged the show at 1.5 speed, which for us is like 1.5 millionth of a second. I came across your Dickens episode and I was like, no, no, no, no, no. I've got to talk to this guy. Wait, I'm still so confused. So you were actually the ghost of Christmas Past? In a nutshell, yeah. I mean, that's what Dickens calls me in the story. You can call me Past. But you were made up by Charles Dickens. I was not made up by Charles Dickens. I was not made up by Charles Dickens. I did the thing with Dickens, okay?

I'm the original. The thing with the three ghosts and you'll be visited by three ghosts. Exactly. Or spirits or whatever you want to call us. I mean, long story short, he was in a bad place. He was being mean to a couple of people.

We did the thing. It was a big success. Dickens loved it so much, he wrote a Christmas carol. Wow. So that's your job. Dickens loved it so much, he wrote A Christmas Carol. Wow. So that's your job. So like you three ghosts or spirits, you turn all the Scrooges of the world into good people. I'm so glad you asked that.

You see, when people find out who I am, they think about the history of the world since A Christmas Carol. And they're like, wow, you suck at your job because that's not exactly a nice 180 years. And when I tell them I'm a lot older than 180 years, they're even more discouraged. Yeah, I got to admit, I was kind of thinking that too. Here's the thing. We pick our cases very carefully. It's intentional. We can't turn every bad person into a good person. That's impossible. Have you seen people? Yeah. We find people who have lost their way. We call them redeemables because we think they still have a chance. And our track record was pretty good for a long time. Yeah. you can trust us oh am i gonna be visited by like all three spirits no you're not on our list uh we get assigned a redeemable we each do our thing and then afterward i check to see what the turnover

rate was and we're losing people so i mean do you know why well i have a theory okay i assume you're gonna tell me what it is social media wait so you're like this ancient omnipotent being and you're being undone by like Facebook or X or whatever? I'm not omnipotent, but, you know, it's up to the redeemables to go through the process. We never get 100% success rates, even in our best years. Some people were too bitter. Well, what was your, when it was good, what was your redemption rate? Average 93.6% per year. That's good, right? Yeah, I mean, yeah, I guess.

Now we're down to 65.2%. Wow, that actually is a really big drop. You're telling me. Everyone is in their own reality bubbles. It's easier to write us off and say that we're lying, or someone drugged their food, or it was all a bad dream or they had too much lsd and the ones that believe us they get really defensive they dig in they double down this one guy threatened to sue me i was like you can't sue me that's not possible actually this is kind of funny we did the thing with his lawyer we showed him the error of his ways and the lawyer

wasn't even on our list i mean he was a lawyer so he's no angel and i've known and the lawyer wasn't even on our list. I mean, he was a lawyer, so he's no angel. And I've known angels, but he wasn't terrible. He saw the light. Totally repented. He told the guy, these spirits, they're real. I've changed. You should change, too. He fired his lawyer and got a new one. I mean, I can't believe that. The thing is, I'm

feeling a little skeptical myself, to be honest. Well, that's because you're part of this mindset, too. But no, but what you're doing is kind of manipulative. I mean, like here, you showed my apartment as Mr. Brooks, who I haven't seen since high school. You look like him. You sound like him. Your clothes are like vintage 80s.

Actually, God, he used to dress like it was the 70s. Well, he hated buying new clothes. And also, I didn't realize when I was in high school, Mr. Brooks was younger than I am now. Isn't that funny? Perception and time. No, it's not. It's not. It's like having the opposite effect.

Like, I feel like I'm talking to a deep fake. See, there you go. You called me a deep fake. You're steeped in this mindset. I mean, it's very common. You can't go an hour without checking social media. I know that for a fact. I've been watching.

Yes, that is true. I know that. Yes, that is totally true. But I mean, well, what do the other spirits say? Well, present is frustrated just like me. I can't get a word out of future. He just points to the chart with his bony hand and I'm like, I see the chart future. Why was it a failure? And he just points to the chart and I'm like, I see the chart. What went wrong? He just kind of shrugs. I think that's what he's doing. What went wrong? He just kind of shrugs. I think that's what he's doing.

You know, he's just a big skeleton. Well, do you have a manager? Like, maybe I could talk to them? Not an option. Why? My manager doesn't appreciate what we're doing here. I hate to admit this, but that actually makes me want to talk to them more. You know what?

I'm going to send you to the Ghosts of Christmas Present. Oh, so I am going to be visited by three ghosts. No, no, no, no, no. We're not doing the thing. Don't get excited. And that's the other problem. People are way too flattered. They think we're doing a trip down memory lane. Like, this is your life. Or like when Instagram or Facebook does like the 10-year anniversary of you on this site, they do like the slideshow and that kind of thing. Oh, you are addicted. Eric Malinsky, please prepare to be visited by another spirit.

Oh my God, I think I just got goosebumps. Ugh. After Mr. Brooks or the ghost of Christmas past disappeared, I listened back to the tape because I figured I must have been hallucinating. I thought it might be like the sixth sense, where it seems like I'm talking to somebody, but then there was no one there. But no. His voice was recorded on my

computer. So, what do you do after you've just interviewed a supernatural entity? I certainly couldn't go to sleep, so I decided this is a great opportunity to work on my French. Le supermarché.

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The next day, as it got closer to midnight, I was feeling nervous. The ghost of Christmas past said that I'd be visited by another spirit. And I remember that the ghost of Christmas present was this jolly kind of figure, so I shouldn't be worried. But if past could show up in the guise of my high school history teacher, did that mean that the ghost of Christmas present would also choose to appear as someone in my life? And so I kept trying to think, well, who's going to just appear in my office tonight? A family member? A friend? A neighbor? And then somebody did appear two minutes before midnight.

And it was the last person I expected. Oh, my God. This is hilarious. You're Dana. I know, right? Oh, my God. All right. So people don't know.

I mean, Dana was my yoga instructor. Yes. Yes. But that was like years ago. I mean, I lived in a different neighborhood. You still see her around. Well, yeah, but I keep avoiding her because I felt guilty about the fact that I quit yoga. years ago i mean i lived in a different neighborhood you still see her around i did well yeah but i keep avoiding her because i i felt guilty about the fact that i quit yoga well if it makes you

feel better she doesn't remember you oh but that's okay you were really bad at yoga you just stayed in her class because you thought it felt like nap time yes yeah and we used to say it was like a really athletic version of nap time i I know. I scanned your mind. Yeah, I know. Pass did it too. It was kind of freaky. But like, why did you pick Dana? I want to add to what my friend Pass said yesterday.

He was really sad you didn't believe him. Yeah, well, I mean, it was just hard to accept everything he was saying. I get it. You're smart. And you wonder, is this guy telling the truth? I need another source. What's going on here? I don't get it.

That shows you're a good reporter. Thank you, I guess. Do you remember what I did in A Christmas Carol? Yeah. I mean, yeah, you brought Scrooge to see, like, all the fun things he was missing out on. Mm-hmm. Exactly. Okay, I think I actually know why you picked Dana.

Because, like, you know that I love positive affirmation. You're smart. You figured it out. There you go. You know that I'm kind of a sucker for that even though I know it's really easy. I'm very good at my job. But here's the thing, Eric. It's not working anymore.

When I take people around and I show them everything they're missing out on, they just get mad at me. They already know what they're missing out on, they just get mad at me. They already know what they're missing out on. Oh, because of social media? Of course! This is the age of FOMO. At one point, I stopped transporting people to see their friends,

and we would just sit on their couch, pick up their phones, and go through Instagram. But my manager told me I was being lazy, which is unfair. I thought I was being efficient with which is unfair. I thought I was being efficient with my time. Then we can get more people, you know? So I went back to bringing people to other places. They thought it was a dream because they spend all their time thinking about what they're missing out on anyway. What a waste of a human life. Then I realized something. human life. Then I realized something. I'm actually just making people feel bad about themselves. But I thought that's what you do, like the three spirits. You make bad people feel bad about themselves so they become better people. No, no, no, no. Look, they're not bad people.

They have negative thoughts. Their behavior is bad, and then they end up making bad decisions. We help them see the consequences of those decisions, and then maybe they'll make a different decision. They might actually change, and that's what we're here to do. Like, I mean, that all sounds really nice, but I feel like these days, I mean, I just... You just said it! These days! So, I have a new approach. I'm supposed to be the ghost of the present right think about it what does it mean to be the ghost of the present i i don't know i mean i don't know i don't know if that even makes sense but it does people are not in the present moment anymore. That's like the basics of yoga, right?

We do yoga to be present, to breathe, and to feel ourselves. So I'm the ghost of the moment that they're missing out on. Huh. You're worried about the future, yes? Oh, like in terms of next year? Yeah, definitely. I mean, the world's in kind of a scary place. I don't know what's going to happen next year.

Well, you can't. Even I don't know. And I don't want to know. I need you to just stay with me in this moment, all right? Right now, you're thinking about this interview. Are people going to find me credible? Are my recording levels off? Yeah, please stop burning my mind. It's kind of weirding me out. out okay i'll try my best but in the meantime have some hot cocoa oh my god you just like literally this you actually made a cup of hot cocoa appear on my can you make anything disappear or disappear or appear just like come back to the cocoa feel the warmth of the cocoa okay Okay. Wow. Yeah, okay. Yeah, it's like feel it. Yeah. Good. Now, sip.

Make that sound. Make that mmm sound. No, it's good. It's really good. Mmm. Just like you like it with tiny marshmallows.

Now, listen to the silence. Okay. Listen to the wind. Stop thinking about how you're going to edit this interview. Just be here in the present moment. I mean, look, I definitely get that. I'm just saying silence isn't great for a podcast. That's all I'm just going to. Eric. Okay, fine.

No, no, it's fine. It's fine. I'll just, I may cut this part out. Yeah. Shh. Okay. Um, sorry to interrupt it, but you mentioned you have a manager. Do you think that maybe I could talk to them?

I knew this was a bad idea. You want to talk to my manager? Yeah. Sorry, I didn't know this was like a sore subject or anything. Okay, fine. You're going to get my manager. He's coming. Okay.

Did you just talk to him? I mean, I saw you like look up to the left or something, like you heard somebody or- Eric Malinsky, be prepared to be visited by a third spirit. Okay. Wow, now you're sounding kind of angry and I'm sorry. Oh, she's gone. Oh, so is the cocoa. Oh, she's gone.

Oh, so is the cocoa. The next day, as I was waiting around for this third supernatural entity to appear in my office, I decided this is a great opportunity to watch Masterclass. They have several science fiction writers on there, including Margaret Atwood. I watched her class on writing. She talks about how she uses all five senses to draw her readers into her books, from describing textures to how something tastes. How much would it cost to take one-on-one classes with a world-renowned science fiction writer? Easily hundreds to thousands of dollars. With a masterclass annual membership, it's $10 a month.

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Let's get back to my holiday story. Chapter 3, No Man is a Failure Who Has Friends. I spent the next day wondering who their manager was going to be. I mean, I knew it couldn't be the ghost of Christmas future. I mean, he's their co-worker, and he doesn't even talk. But the ghosts of Christmas past and present seemed annoyed, even scared that I would want to talk to their manager. So whoever this figure was going to be, I was gearing up for a fight,

imagining somebody who was a bully, someone who was imperious or condescending. But that's not what happened. Just before midnight, a supernatural being appeared in my office. Once again, it was not somebody I was expecting, but in some ways I should have been expecting him all along. Hello there, friend. Oh my god, you're Clarence from it's a wonderful life well that's what you see but that's like a whole other christmas movie a whole other department eric another department oh yeah yeah yeah but you didn't you didn't appear someone in my life oh i did maybe not your life but your mind. For instance, who played Clarence? Henry Travers. He was a great, I still, I mean, he was a shadow of a doubt. He was a great

character actor. Yes. Now that's one of your favorite Hitchcock movies, right? Yeah, it is. And you love old movies. I do. Oh my God. And you were in Black and White. I just noticed that. Well, here's the funny thing, Eric. I can appear as a fictional character and guess what? No one doubts that I'm real. Isn't that peculiar? Yeah. So is this like the same thing where like you like they did the thing to Dickens and then he wrote a Christmas carol so then you did the thing to Frank Capra and then he made It's a Wonderful Life? Bingo! Well done. You see the backstory is Frank was feeling low, very down on himself, wasn't happy with the box office, that sort of thing. So I decided to show him the world if he never existed. Now, for the record,

I didn't look like this when I appeared to Frank. I went with more of a leading man look, somewhere between Cary Grant and the other tall fellow with a mustache. Oh, Gable, Clark Gable. But Frank did cast Henry Travers, so this is what the people expect, so we give it to him. Oh, wow. I have to admit, there's one thing I never understood about It's a Wonderful Life. I actually thought Pottersville was kind of cool. Oh, you're not alone.

I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I hear that. The fact is, Pottersville was kind of cool. Oh, you're not alone. I mean, if I had a nickel for every time I hear that. The fact is, Pottersville was kind of neat. It had a pool hall, a jazz club, dancing girls. I keep telling people, look, I didn't make It's a Wonderful Life. Frank Capra did. So blame him. Blame him. But so I'm still confused.

Like, how are you their manager? You're like a different story. A different department, Eric. Sorry, department. Yes, yes, yes. No, no, no, but you're right. See, they show people who lost their way how far they've fallen and how much they're missing out on. How much worse the world would be if they don't change their ways.

Or to use your language, they make the bad people feel bad about themselves. Right. Now, my department, on the other hand, takes the good people who already felt bad about themselves and, well, we help them feel better. Right, right, right, right. Well, but then how's your job going? Oh, terribly. Because of social media?

Oh, come now, Eric. Do you really think that a million years of human evolution was undone by TikTok? That's poppycock. That's balderdash. Yeah. On the other hand, I mean, from what I've seen, those apps are like actually rewiring our brains to some extent. Eric, Eric, it's their fault. Not the people who designed the social media apps. None of the so-called spirits who visited you the last two nights.

They have not been doing their jobs properly. But you're their manager. Well, only recently. I won't take the blame for this one. You see, a long time ago, I got my wings. Yeah, well, I saw the movie many times. See, the story goes, after I got my wings, it's a bit of history here, I became a manager in my department. See, I had teams of angels or spirits or ghosts or whatever you want to call them

working under me. Everything was going along swimmingly until about 10 or 15 years ago, if memory serves, and my pupils were struggling to make their quotas. So I went back to Earth to show them how it's done. I hadn't been in years, and I thought, well, what could possibly have changed? How wrong I was, how wrong I was. The petty tyrants, the media moguls, the greedy folks, the politicians that the spirits of the past, present, and future were supposed to be reforming, well, they weren't getting reformed at all. These people are still going about that nasty business and making good people feel bad about themselves, turning them against each other, making them feel like the system was somehow rigged.

The good people were losing faith in humanity. Now, of course, I complained to the higher-ups right away, but as you know, that's like talking to a wall. They didn't believe me at first, but with a little good old-fashioned elbow grease and a little bit of spirit know-how, I managed to switch things up and get their department folded into mine. But it's still not working? Well, because they just won't take responsibility

for their failures, Eric. They keep blaming social media. Frankly, I can't believe they came here to your podcast to complain about me. They weren't complaining about you. I mean, well, they were a little bit, but I mean, they're just trying to get their message across. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. They're asking

people to stick their heads in the sand and not engage in the modern world. As far as I'm concerned, that's utter foolishness. You know, that's so funny because I never said that. Oh, my God, you're back. Wait, aren't you supposed to be on a job tonight? Surprise, I got done

early. Success, by the way. Hi, I'm here too. I didn't want to startle you. Don't worry, I'm not mad at you anymore. Thank you. Now there's two of you? Wait, I did not get this memo. Clarence, you've been saying some really mean stuff about us.

No, no, no. I wasn't being mean. Uh-huh. I was just being honest. Oh, you were being honest. Yeah, you're real polite in here, but we know what you've been saying about us on the spirit boards. Wait, what are spirit boards? No, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. It's like slack for spirits.

You have slack up there? We use Ouija boards. Wait, what? Did he not tell you how he became our manager? No need to go over this again. Yeah, you said he, like, greased the wheels or something like that? Yeah. Last year, three sets of teenage kids were having sleepovers on the same night in three different states.

All three were using Ouija boards. I mean, that's pretty common. Sleepovers, Ouija boards, you know. What was strange was that all three Ouija boards said the same thing. Hmm. The ghosts of past, present, and future only have a 65.2 turnover rate. How did that happen? No.

Yes. So, suddenly, the powers that be were like, Wait, what's going on with past, present, and future? And Clarence chimed in and was like, Oh, I don't know, but I've been hearing the same thing. Maybe I could help. Accurate. Okay, well, here's a fun fact.

Did you know the Founding Fathers used to write scathing, anonymous opinion pieces about each other in rival newspapers back in the 18th century? I was there. I'm literally the ghost of the past. Okay, since you were present at the matter, did you also happen to notice that no one was blaming newspapers for the state of the world back then? Okay. Clarence, Clarence, Clarence, did you ever think that maybe you're not doing your job well enough? I beg your pardon? Truth hurts.

It's your job to assign redeemables. Maybe you're picking the wrong people. Well, forgive me, but I have great faith in human beings to find the light themselves. Oh, including the guy who threatened to sue me? Okay, wait, I'm sorry, I gotta jump in here. I gotta jump in here. You guys are like, you guys are no better than us. I mean, how are we supposed to get our act together

when you up there can't get your act together? He has a point. He does. Oh. Clarence, when you first came on board, remember, you gave us like, this inspirational speech about how we're reflections

of them and what's inside of them. I remember that. You remember? Yeah. But, look, aren't we only as good as what they're capable of? Yeah, you're not using my words against me, are you? No, no, no.

I would never do that. I would never do that. This is good. See, see, this is good. This is good. You guys are talking face to face. You should go find, like, a con... I don't know how this works, but I don't know if there's, like, conference room. See, see, this is good. This is good. You guys are talking face to face. You should go find like a conference. I don't know how this works, but I don't know if there's like conference room. Conference room's up there, but like you could figure out a new system or something. Well, I happen to be of the mind that the system works. Actually, I just checked.

The conference room on Cloud9 is open. Great. Or, you know, we could keep hashing things out in public on this podcast. No, no, no. This is more inside of the mortals. So maybe you make that reservation and I get the coffee and donuts. In the

meantime, Mr. Berlinski, it has been a pleasure. Well, thank you. It's been... Happy holidays or, you know, whatever you choose to celebrate. Oh, my God. They're all gone now. Oh, wait. Hey. Hi. Eric. Yes. Hi. Oh, wait. Hey. Hi. Eric.

Yes, hi. Oh, good. You're still here. Okay. I just wanted to give you some real cocoa. Did you notice the other one was magic cocoa? And it disappeared when I did? I did. Enjoy. Thank you. This is good.

Well, that's it for this week. Thank you for listening. Special thanks to, in order of appearance, Torian Brackett, Alexander Reed, and Bill Loeble. My assistant producer is Stephanie Billman. The best way to support Imaginary Worlds is to donate on Patreon. At different levels, you get either free Imaginary Worlds stickers, mug, or a t-shirt. You can also get access to an ad-free version of the show through Patreon. At different levels, you get either free Imaginary World stickers, a mug, or a t-shirt.

You can also get access to an ad-free version of the show through Patreon, and you can buy an ad-free subscription on Apple Podcasts. My website is... I actually got really cold in here. Oh my god! Oh my god! Wow. You really are like a big, tall, scary skeleton with a cloak. Are you going to show me my future? No. He's pointing up. Are you going to show that you want to go upstairs and show the people up there their future? Oh, you want to.

Oh, he wants to know where they're going. Oh, you want to know where they went past President Clarence. They went to Cloud9. They booked a meeting room on Cloud9. Oh, thumbs up. And he's gone.