I've Had It - America's Legal Eagle

Episode Date: September 12, 2024

Jen recruits the hosts of Girls Next Level, Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, to help end our Legal Eagle's 8,967 day dry spell. NEW TOUR DATES ANNOUNCED! For more I've Had It + tour updates, merch and more at linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: Lumen: Head to https://lumen.me/HADIT for 15% off your purchase. Follow Us:  I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guests: Holly Madison @hollymadison & Bridget Marquardt @bridgetmarquardt @girlsnextlevel_podcast

Listen up, patriots, gaitriots, and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever, if you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say?

Cacaw! A little bit more enthusiasm. Cacaw! That's it. That's, that's, Cacaw! That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Ready? One, two, three. Patriots, gay triots, they triots. Let's go America. How are you today? I'm great. I had a great clap. I know everybody's sick me talking about it, but it was a great clap. It really was. I mean, you know what?

You did it for America. For America. What's going on? Yeah. Pad Paget Pabst? Yeah. Paget Pabst. Is this the talent section of your Miss America? Yes. For my toddler Centiara moment. What? Are you okay? No. Okay. I've never been okay. What have you had it with? Okay, what I've had it with, and it's always white men.

Always, always, always. Fucking revving their cars. Enough. Vroom, vroom. Like so loud. And always, always, always fucking revving their cars. Enough. Vroom, vroom. Like so loud, I was at an intersection, this guy was doing it and I just was like, you're a fucking twat.

Like enough. Nobody wants to look at you. You're not cute. No one thinks you're cool. It grossed me out and it's just been on me. And of course we all know what I'm gonna say, but then I'll be a penile shamer. But I'm just saying that's what I thought. Well, you are not only America's greatest legal mind, you are America's most prolific

penile shamer. I mean, truly. If you know, you know. You could make a coffee table book that said, I'm not saying you have a small penis, but. And then just do a picture book. Yeah. Flipping through. First would be car reverse. Second would be men in alpha male classes. I mean, just I could go through the list. The Tesla truck. That thing drives me crazy.

Every time one of those comes up on the side of me, I'm like scared. Like it takes me back. Let's go back to your original grievance. You're sitting in a stoplight. Yeah. You're stopped and the car next to you is stopped. Everybody's stopped. But then the car next to you starts revving at a red light. Right. It's like a cat call back in the day. You know what? You think the guy was hitting on you? I don't know. But I mean, what would he do if I like slammed it in park, walked over and said, let's go fucking now he'd do it. No, he'd run away scared because he, his little penis would suck up. Turn into an any, any, any, any, any. So maybe people are hitting on you all. It's happened to you a lot.

It's happened twice in the last two months. I tell you what, Kathy. I think Pumps is working the intersections of the United States of America, and people are noticing and hitting on her via their engines. Vroom, vroom. Caca! There you go.

I mean, when you're hot, you're hot, I guess. I don't know what else to say about it other than you're hot. Miss America did your talent earlier on the episodes. One or two of my mini talents. Jack of all trades. Yeah. All right, let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with the architecture of strip malls in the United States of America.

Yeah, that's bad. It's awful. They're just these boxy little strips with this concrete parking lot in front of them. And it's depressing. It doesn't make me want to do any mood-altering shopping. No. It's not attractive to look at.

And it's epidemic. It's everywhere. You go over to Europe, and they have these quaint, darling little retail strips with apartments up above them. We just have this wretched architecture. And you can even go look at the new architecture in suburbia, and you could be in the suburbs of Oklahoma City, the suburbs of Dallas, the suburbs of Los Angeles, the suburbs of Dallas, the suburbs of Los Angeles, Georgia, it doesn't matter. I mean Atlanta, it doesn't matter.

They all look like the exact same center. You've got the Target and then like the pet store, either Petco or PetSmart or whatever. And it's just, there's no originality. It is like where I think people go to just say, I guess I'm just going to live out the rest of my days and shop here. It depresses me to the core of my being. The urban planning in this country needs a complete rework, a complete rework. In fact, I think they need to gather up all the Gatriots and disperse them into the suburbs and just completely get out a bulldozer, doze all of it up and just completely rework the

entire thing. The whole thing needs a rework. That's a great idea. I'm telling you, we need to make them walkable. Yes, I agree with that. We need to make them a little bit more diverse. We need to have less corporate stores, more local stores. They need to be a little bit more fab, a little bit more cutesy. It's just, it's so depressing. And the more

I see them, the madder I get about it. And you know what's always crossed the street from all these strip malls? Shitty architecture of a shitty megaurch. It's no beautiful cathedral or anything. Not like I'm going to go attend it, but at least I'd like for it to be attractive. You could look at it. I could look at it. You could appreciate it. Maybe some unique stained glass instead of, oh, look at us. We're the hipster church and our preacher wears true religion jeans and we have a screen

where the cheerleading squad is projected on. I've had it. I'm telling you, it's, there's just, the suburbs need a rework from top to bottom. Yeah, I was thinking when you said that about Europe, one thing that they have over us is our stores are so big. It's just so massive. Everything's big over here. Wouldn't it just be better just to have a little, because I get into a mall and I'm overwhelmed immediately. Like even if I'm like going in for a blue skirt, I start like sweating.

I just don't like it. There's too much stuff. I like a smaller space. You know what's interesting? It's probably not interesting. In fact, it's quite boring. But I remember the first time I realized that all targets were not on one level. Like in New York City, like 20 years ago, 30 years ago when I went and it was two stories

freaked me out. I couldn't wrap my head around it. That they build up. Yes. Yeah. I had no idea. Yeah, they build up. They build up.

Because you're from the plains, the plains of the United States of America, we have all this land and we just spread everything out with our shitty little strip malls, no originality. They're just like boxes. Zero. Zero originality. Listeners start looking as you drive by these strip malls at how depressing they are. It is, and then you can't even really even see them because you have this parking lot in front of them. Can't we re-imagine these things where the parking lot is back behind them?

And in front of the stores, we have a nice sidewalk with some grass, some greenery, some landscaping, maybe some awnings, a nice patio restaurant, a little band in the corner, maybe a karaoke bar down here where Memaw could sing her Miss America pageant that she was just doing. I just think they completely need a rework. I think you're 100% right. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Angie. What am I supposed to say? No, that's it. You are Angie. I'm Jennifer. Made me question who I was. I just usually say I'm Jennifer first. So, that's it. You are Angie. I'm Jennifer. Made me question who I was. I just usually say I'm Jennifer first. So I mean, it just, I like that you're switching it up.

I like it. You're keeping me on my toes. Variety is the spice of life. It really is. And you're keeping me on my toes. And really, honestly, you should introduce yourself first. You are the star of the show after all. Cathy is our producer.

She's here today. Cathy, how's it going? It's going pretty good. I'm about to blow your mind with a new nickname for Pumps. Oh. So this is a five star review from Hydrator and it says, is Pumps America's greatest legal mind or is she America's greatest legal eagle? Oh, I like that.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, greatest legal eagle. I like that. Oh my God, so good. That's great. The legal eagle, the legal eagle, that that is brilliant and it was there in front of us the whole time. But some sharp as a tack listener took legal Mind and our mascot Eagle, merged them together. Legal Eagle, it is top notch, five stars, the best ever, no refund needed. I'm trying to think if I were going to do two sounds, like the lady skills of justice.

What does that sound like? I don't see that's what I'm saying. I'm tripped up a little bit. If I had a ta-da, ca-ca. If I had like a sound before. What about like, I object. Yeah, what about I object, ca-ca. Some kind of jargon. Objection, ca-ca.

That's pretty good. It's unbelievable. I just need a little dance move to get with it. Yeah, yeah. I think it's fantastic. Kathy, what do you think move to get with it. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's fantastic. Cathy, what do you think about these strip malls in America? I hate them.

And you know the even shittier ones than you're talking about? The restaurants in those? People that eat at restaurants in a strip mall, I wouldn't step foot. They're like a seafood party. And people go. And people say, you know, God, America, everybody's so riled up all the time. I think that we're, and I agree the politics are shit show. We talk about it all the time.

But I'm kind of looking beyond that. What can we do for these broken people, at least making an attractive place to live? Think about it like this. Paris, if you remove all of the buildings, topographically, it's not that phenomenal. But they've made this amazing, beautiful city just because it's great to look at it. And here we could make these amazing, beautiful cities, but instead we make these boxes with these parking lots that are just morbidly depressing. It's disgusting. It's depressing.

You know what? Since you are America's legal eagle, maybe we could file a class action lawsuit. What are we going to like your buildings? Alienation of beauty. Beautification. Alienation of beautification. Da da da, da da da. Object cacao. OK, one other review. This one is a one star review.

Oh, I like these. Titled liberal white women. And they say, these women are baffling adults. They don't live in reality. They're vacuous. Skip. You know what I appreciate about that? It's just, again, the time and the care. Yeah.

He went and he found our podcast on the app. He or she found it. Maybe listen, maybe didn't. Maybe they just saw a clip, but went and found it and then clicked down to the review, typed that out, and then hit down to the review, typed that out and then hit submit. That's a lot of time and care. That's effort.

It's effort. And you know what? I don't have for things that I don't like any effort whatsoever. So I really appreciate that. Yeah. And I'm just, I like the liberal women. I love that. That's what I was going to say. I mean, if you're going to call me a liberal, a liberal whore, I'm all in. Yeah, maybe he should have reworked that. Listen, one star reviewer, because we know you're still secretly listening. Go ahead and edit that one star review and maybe put liberal whores. Yeah. Yeah. Because it kind of sends her the message that she's getting laid, but as our listener knows. Kathy, how many days are we going on now?

Like seven? Eight thousand. Eight thousand. Eight thousand days since the legal eagle has been laid. Eight thousand days. I love the legal eagle. The legal eagle is chef's kiss for sure. America's legal eagle. That's right.

You know what I love? I love that we're taking the listener on the journey that is being friends with the Welches and the constantly changing nicknames. That is like if you are friends with the Welches, you've had 55,000 nicknames. Yeah, my dogs, your kids, my kids have had a million different names. I have had a million000 nicknames. My dogs. Your kids. My kids have had a million different nicknames. I have had a million different nicknames. Josh is the worst, but I feel like as you've been married, you've become more like that.

He was the originator, but I think you just, by process of just being together for a hundred years, you just have become nickname girl. I've started calling Tubby Robert. Did Josh start calling him Robert? I did. Did you? Yeah.

I feel like he's nine now and Tubby just sounded like a child's name. So I started calling him Robert in his midlife of a French bulldog, mid to late life. And I just, I think he looks like a handsome, debonair little gentleman. And I just started calling him Robert and he really quite likes it. He does? Yeah, he really does. Tubby and I just started calling him Robert and he really quite likes it. He does? Yeah, he really does. Tevye and I have bonded recently. He's just came in the bathroom with me.

I know. He's just... You know, that's when you know a dog loves you, when they go pee with you. All three came in there today. I was like, okay guys, here we go. See, listener, what you don't realize is that a lot of you just have dogs that probably just are dogs at home. Pumps and I have dogs and our dogs are working dogs. They are fully employed. Pumps recently adopted Oliver Glizzard

and Cha Cha is a complete working mom. She works here full time while raising him. She does. And so does Robert. Robert helps in the raising of Oliver Glizzard. And so it's just, there's a lot of things going on at the I've Had It podcast studio. But first and foremost is the wellbeing of canines. Absolutely. I'm going to say this, the architecture is attractive. It's a hundred percent attractive because you did it. Well, no, I didn't do the architecture. Oh, that's right. But the building is great.

The architecture is really fantastic here at I've Had a Podcast. You wouldn't have bought it if it wasn't great. I wouldn't have. So that's a given. I wouldn't have because we all know how shallow and vapid I am when it comes to things of the aesthetic. We have some guests today that we're super excited about. Let's welcome to I've Had It, Holly and Bridget from the Girls Next Level podcast.

Pumps, our ability to suck and then wake up the next day and suck more than the previous day is undefeated. It's unparalleled. We are the champions. If you would like to see how bad we suck, please join us in Seattle in September or New York City in November for, you know, just some world-class shit talking. That's right. Live. Live and in person. That's right. Listener, Pumps and I have discovered Lumen and you should too.

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metabolism healthy throughout hormonal shifts so you can keep up your energy and stave off cravings. Listener, if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me slash had it to get 15% off your lumen. That's l-u-m-E-N dot me slash had it for 15% off your purchase. We would like to thank Lumen for sponsoring this episode. Ladies, how are you? Great. Thanks for having us. I just have to tell you, I'm like read your book randomly. Like I hadn't watched the girls next door, not interested, but I bought your book, Holly's book, rabbit hole down the rabbit hole. And I got so fascinated with it. I binged watched all the girls next door up until when you left. Then I watched all the secrets of playboy. It just

blew my mind. And I just found you both so engaging. I really like wanted to be your girlfriend and hang out. So I'm huge fan girl right now. So apologies for that because I just think you just like these are girls I want to hang out with. These are cool girls. Okay, now we're going to start with the favorite part of our episode and it is to discuss petty grievances and I'm sure that you all have many. I'm going to start with you, Bridget. Bridget, what have you had it with? I think the first thing I put on my list was pet rent.

Kite I want to know what that is. Bridget Willard You guys don't have it? Kite Is it like doggy daycare? Bridget Willard No. It's where you want to rent a house or rent an apartment and they say, okay, yeah, so here's how much it costs per month. And then here's how much you have to put down as a deposit. And then here's how much of a deposit you need for your pet. And then here's how much it costs per month. And then here's how much you have to put down as a deposit. And then here's how much of a deposit you need for your pet. And then here's how much you need to pay extra every single month for each pet.

Oh, shit. And it's like 50 bucks a month. I have two cats, so 50 bucks a month for each cat. And I'm like, no, that's what the deposit is for in case they mess anything up. I don't pay rent on my cats. Do you charge people rent for their kids? These are my kids.

So like, I am not okay with it in any way. In fact, I'm so against it. I wanna start a whole petition. Our animal shelters are so full and it already costs a fortune to have a pet and take care of it properly. And now you wanna charge people pet rent. That's just gonna deter people from adoption.

And I'm so livid over it that I wanna to start like a whole, I want to start lobbying against it. I want to make it illegal to charge pet rent. I had no idea. That's a total racket. I knew that there was a pet deposit back from the days that I rented. And I remember the pet deposit, which makes sense. But the pet rent, that is a total racket. That is a total grift. And I agree with you, you know, pumps is an attorney and I think we're calling her the legal eagle of the United States of America. I think you can hire pumps and sue your landlord because your pets are not being treated the same as if you had children. And I would say that this is a racial sexist type bias towards a childless cat lady, in my opinion.

Right. And I don't think that's very fair, Bridget. And America's legal eagle will take your case on and she will go into court and kick ass. I can assure you. Yes. I want to start a whole lobby against it. I agree. I want to start a petition lobby against it. I agree. I want to start a petition because I know a lot of people agree with me.

Yeah, that seems crazy. I'm with you. I've heard of pet deposits, but you don't pay it every month. And I would say if you're going to have a fee every month that should be against kids, they're far worse than animals. A million times worse. I'd much rather go to a restaurant that the co diners had their dogs with them than their children. Yeah, absolutely. It's just it's not even an option. I'd rather be

on an airplane full of farting canines than one toddler on the plane. Absolutely. Yeah. 100% I would too. All right, Holly, what have you had it with? I hate and they're everywhere in L.A. Compact car spaces, parking spaces. I don't know why they're there. I don't know if it was some kind of incentive at one point to try and get people to buy like smaller, more fuel efficient cars. I don't know why, but they're everywhere in L.A. It's hard enough to find parking as it is.

I drive a Range Rover. I park in them anyway. I don't know why they don't just make ordinary sized parking spaces. And I get annoyed every time I see them. And there's so many of them. Yeah. Do you have in LA the signs that it says this spot is reserved for expectant mothers? Yes. That's the dumbest thing. I've always seen that like babies are us. Yeah, that was with you had a baby and the expectant mothers. I just think it's bullshit. They have them now, like, at our Trader Joe's. I've seen this.

I've seen it at Lululemon. And do you want to know what America's Legal Eagle does? I park right in it. I've actually told people before, they're like, said something to me. I'm like, I'm expecting. Like, fuck off. I mean, like, that's not a law. You can't enforce it. It's a courtesy, but that's a courtesy I don't want to me. I'm like, I'm expecting like, fuck off. I mean, like, that's not a law. You can't enforce it. It's a courtesy, but that's a courtesy. I don't want to give. I mean, I just don't. That's

just everybody has to schlep around their kid in the fucking car seat. So do you. Yeah. And it's harder once you actually have the baby. Like send me across the parking lot, but so much easier. And then like send me across the parking lot. But so much easier. Yeah. And on the same vein, I had this other day, I was trying to find a parking place. They had like a little sliver for a motorcycle. I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? We took a whole spot for this motors.

Just bug the shit out of me. I'll tell you what I've had with and this is going on in parking lots all the time, are the people that park about 80% in their spot and 20% in the spot next, rendering that spot entirely useless unless you're on some sort of moped or your roller blades or some shit, go-kart pulling up there. This happened to me the other day. I was trying to get to my tennis drill. I play cardio tennis every Saturday. The lot was completely packed and I'm like craving the exercise. I'm running late for class.

I never run late. I'm a complete nut. And I'm circling and there's this one Lexus and he's 80% in his spot and 20% over. And he fucked me so hard because I could not get in that spot. So I have to go two streets over. I'm running into cardio tennis.

I played like shit the entire class because of that Lexus. Yeah, his fault. There's nothing more maddening than like car hostility. The other day I went, I haven't told you guys this. So the other day I'm pulling out of my street onto a busy street. And there's this gray BMW SUV behind me. And there's this truck coming down the road, and it's kind of starting and stopping and going.

So I thought, this guy's acting weird. I'm going to wait for him to pass. So the car behind me just starts laying on the horn. He's just laying on it. And I'm like, I'm going to wait for this. I'm putting my arms up. I'm going to wait for this. I'm putting my arms up. Like I'm going to wait for this truck to pass. So the truck passes and I pull out and then the guy pulls out next to me and he gets right in the lane next to me and

he honks on the horn and looks at me. And I just went ahead. I went full white trash. I rolled down my window and I just went, fuck you. And just flipping the bird and it felt so good to be that unhinged. And I was going to the hair salon and I walked in and I was like, I feel so great. I went bananas. I full blown road rage, rolled the wind and I'm, fuck you. It was so satisfying. Yeah. Well, when somebody's an asshole like that, they get it.

They deserve it. Yeah, definitely. I mean, it's a little bit scary here in LA right now. I get it. I get road rage too because I feel like the way people drive says a lot about their personalities and there's so many assholes out there. I can't stand it. When people get in the turning lane at a stoplight and then they zoom around everybody, like I will, I wish evil things on that person. The way they drive.

That's how I look at it. I'm like, you're going to get fucked. Yeah. No, totally. I like pray that there's a cop on the next block that just saw him do that every time. Okay. Let's talk about some other things you guys put on your list. Bridget and Holly, let's talk about truck nuts. Oh my God. This is a big personal pet peeve of mine. Like I, and I don't even know why it upsets me the way it does, but when I see it, like I want to do harm to the person in the truck and I will speed up next to them and I will give them a dirty ass look.

I might even say something nasty to them. But if they're parked and I see it, I will throw my chewed up gum in the back of their truck. Bridget, I like that. And I want to key it, but I won't get in trouble. I love that reaction. That's so relatable because sometimes I just see stuff and it just fucking pisses me off and it literally has nothing to do with me.

But it can just trigger me. And I agree about the truck nuts because we live in Oklahoma City and we see these truck nuts, Gallivant and Lollygagging around. And it's just lo and behold, they always have some, you know, Confederate flag, bullshit bumper sticker on it. I believe it. And it's just, it's so gross. But let me ask you guys this. And pumps, I know her brain already went there because it's all she thinks about. Do you think that the truck nut driver maybe has small nuts? Well, he had small something. But like, what if I was driving around with a vagina hanging off the back of my car? Don't you think that that would be like indecent and people would be like, you can't do that.

But truck nuts that we're okay with. God, guns and balls. It's just all right there. Now, I agree. Bridget, Holly, do you think it's small penis too? right there. Now I agree. Bridget. Holly, do you think it's small penis too? Something like that or just a really immature sense of humor and just I

didn't know they existed until Bridget told me about them and now like my phone was listening so now it's like on my feet. I'm saying like not thinking put on your Crocs and stuff like that. What? Yes, everybody sending me this picture like Bridget you could get truck nuts for your crocs.

I'm like, first of all, I don't wear crocs. And second of all, I would never put truck nuts on them. There's a Christmas ornament too. Yeah. What? Yes. I get sent, people think, because I've ranted about this on our podcast before and people like have been sending me everything truck nut related.

I'm like, seriously, you guys? It makes my blood boil inside. Okay. So we have a lot of things for America's legal eagle. Number one, we have to sue the people that are fraudulently charging pet rent. And number two, we've got to eradicate truck nuts. 100%. I think it could solve a lot of problems personally. I do. Yes. And I think we have the attorney, the powerhouse legal eagle that can do it for us. I love that. Okay. Holly, you mentioned Christmas ornaments and this brings me to one of your grievances regarding holiday merch. I'll let

you share with our listener what grind your gears about that. Yeah. Like I love celebrating holidays kind of long-term ish, but every year it's getting like more and more drawn out, but drawn out earlier to the point where like Disneyland already has like their Halloween decor up and it's like mid August and it's so hot and it's not the time. And then you get to Target and they put out the stuff so early it sells out so quickly. So if you're like getting ready for trick or treaters like a few days before you can't even go get the Halloween candy anymore. So it's all gone. And I don't know why this happened or why the shift or why stores don't just keep the holiday stuff out long enough for us last minute shoppers.

And I'm over it. Totally. I just was last night. I was at Walgreens and I saw the big Halloween candy aisle and I thought it's not even fucking Labor Day I've just had it with all these holidays like everybody has their Christmas decorations up before Halloween That's not how it goes. You do Halloween then you do Thanksgiving then you do Christmas. It's yes It's just how like life works It's just the plan and these people with these Christmas lights up before Halloween in my neighborhood, it just goes all through me. Let's talk about on the opposite end of that. Let's talk about the people that leave their Christmas lights up a little too long. Like end of February, I'm out.

I always drive through the neighborhoods and I always think alcoholic, drug addict, alcoholic, loser. You know, it's like February 5th. I'm like, get your shit together. At least unplug them so they're illuminated anymore. At least at the bare minimum. Yeah, I don't, people are just not honoring these unwritten rules that we have. Right. Yeah. And the Christmas stuff coming out, it just, it that really irritates me. Especially when I'm sweating my ass off, you know, it's like I want to have a full sweater on and some pumpkin spice. Now they're doing pumpkin spice. Coffee's already out. Did you know that? You drink pumpkin spice? I remember I used to go to Texaco every day and get it. Texaco? It was my favorite. I loved the Texaco pumpkin spice better than

Starbucks anything. Loved it. Oh, I do remember that. Yes. I always got I loved the Texaco pumpkin spice better than Starbucks anything. Loved it. Oh, I do remember that. I always got hit on in Texaco too. I mean, I cannot go into a Texaco without somebody hitting on me back in the day anyway. Of course you were getting hit on. Before y'all joined us, she was just telling us her grievance was when she's at an intersection, these cars that are stopped are revving up. That's not what I'm saying. These men next to her are revving up.

And I said, do you think they're hitting on you? She goes, well, it's happening a lot. It's happened a lot. Maybe y'all, let me ask you guys this. Wait, I've been having that happen a lot too. What kind of car do you drive? An Audi, like little SUV. What do you drive?

Those are pretty fast. I have a Tesla. Oh, so you think they want to race me? Yeah, I think they want to race. See, I'm a Tesla. Oh, so you think they want to race me? Yeah. I think they want to race. Eh, see I'm not hot. Well, they're either trying to get your attention or they're trying to race, but I've been having so many people trying to race me and I'm like, I don't

care what car you're in. My car is faster than yours. It's just it, it, there's no question about it. And I'm not going to sit there and like, play games with you. Like, no, I don't race on the freeway. I don't race on the streets. Like go away. Get a real hobby.

Okay. We have to do some serious girl talk here. All right. And this is just a very private conversation between us and our listener. Okay. And the listener knows that it's been thousands, literally thousands of days since Pumps has been laid. The last time she was laid, she had an affair with a married man.

She didn't know he was married. She was an unwilling mistress. And that was the last time, and this is just barely post-COVID, would you say? Yeah, when was COVID? You know, all that's a blur. We're talking like 2020, 2021. They say 8,000 days, which I think is a lot of years. I think we're at 9,000 days since the episode started.

It's been a long time. And let me just tell you what she talks about all the time on this podcast. Every episode, we start talking about penises and the sizes of them. Just because men totally are obvious that they have... Also because she hasn't been laid. You see what I'm dealing with here.

It's just awful. What do you think? So I think we should put her on apps and she thinks that's like, because we're Gen Xers and that's kind of like for our generation, for some reason, dating apps seem like desperate. Like, go back to the match.com, Erin, it seems like. I think that I'm going to get a serial killer. Well, you probably. I mean, that's my red flag.

If there's a red flag, I don't want one. I want 7,000, and I want to go as fast and hard as possible. So I just think that would be a real problem for me. Did you say fast and hard? Who's the one with the dirty mind now? I mean, if you're just looking to get laid, dating apps might be it. But I feel like guys go on dating apps just to like ream through as many women as possible. I just the quality of guys on dating apps is not it. But if you're just looking to have sex, like get it.

See, what are you looking for pumps? I don't think I could just like she always tells me you could go get laid at lunch in an hour. You could just go do it. And I'm just like, I just don't think I could. She could. I mean, it's possible in the world. But I just don't I don't think that's me. Do you guys know? Like, I want somebody to have like potential to be something before I'll sleep with them. There has to be some kind of attraction or something. Do you guys date? I just got out of a relationship. So I'm talking to somebody. I'm in the talking phase.

Nice. What about you, Bridget? I have been in a relationship. We are coming up to our 16 year anniversary. So I went literally straight from half for over seven and a half years to a 16 year relationship now. So there's been really no dating in my life. Serial monogamy only. Yeah, which in a way I feel I listen to other people's story and I think I'm really lucky.

Okay, and speaking about couples and dating, Bridget, you have one of my favorite grievances slash obsessions. Like, sometimes something I've had it with, I'm also equally obsessed with. And these are couples that post too much about their relationship online, and then they even communicate with each other in the comment section. Yes. And it's sappy, sappy stuff. And I'm just like, this couple is having the biggest problems out of anybody.

I immediately think somebody's fucking around. No question. Always. Because why would you do that? This is one we have just been, I hate to give her any credit, but she broke this like trailblazer. Right when Facebook came out, when couples would do this she'd be like somebody's fucking around they're getting ready to get a divorce I mean it was six months later it was like I was like oh my gosh you are right just all the time it's just such a red well I knew it would be this post like I love my baby he made me scrambled eggs this morning and then he would respond I'll make you scrambled eggs anytime and And I'm like, y'all fucking live together.

Yeah, touch each other. Like, don't show us. Why are you commenting to each other on Facebook about scrambled eggs? Who's fucking around? Who found out? Which mistress or paramour are you trying to prove that y'all are together for? It was so obvious. And of course, you know, the divorce comes and then they just delete it all. It's all deleted. But they're called for the screenshot. Okay, do y'all want to play a game of had it or hit it? Yes. Oh my God. Welcome to had it or hit it. I would hit it. Pad it. Pad it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice.

I had it or hit it mom jeans. I've had it with those. I think it's so dumpy and ugly and frumpy, but the problem is they're not going out of style. So I had to buy a pair just to stay in style. But I've had it with them. Like I put them on and I'm like, oh, I feel dumpy. And Nick just says, well, at least you're in style.

What's a mom, Jane? Is it the high waisted? For me, I think of it as the high waisted. They're not very well fitted. They're just baggy. Yeah. Okay. I just bought a pair of those. It was a huge regret. She was kind of pushing them on me and pushing them on me. I went in, I don't try them on the store because I hate it. So I got them home and I thought these look fucking horrible. Yeah.

I stand in the mirror and go, yeah, I stand in the mirror and go, these, I look like I look dumpy in these. Yeah. It is the style. Holly, what about you? I've had it with mom jeans. I like a really baggy jean. Like I just got off, you know, working like ditch digging or something like really baggy Jean. Like I just got off, you know, working like ditch digging or something

like really baggy, not like fitted waste or anything like that. Okay. Had it or hit it camo. Well, I mean, I don't care if other people do it, but I've never been into it. Yeah. I'm usually not into it, but like my son is super into like he's eight and he's into like camo and top gun and building a fort and a base so I saw him low-key hitting it. Okay had it or hit it mirror selfies. I've had it with that because I've had it kind of with social media in general. I feel like I have to post, I don't have a choice but like I just wish social media wasn't there. Yeah. We did it last week like three times. Yeah. I feel like it's an obligation once you have it. Yeah. Like social media. Yeah. Once you have it and you do what we

do for a living, you have to, it's your way to advertise so that people are reminded to go listen to your podcast so that your bills can get paid and so that your staff can get paid. But I'm with you, Bridget. Sometimes I like love social media and I'm like, oh my God, the internet is undefeated. This is the best tweet I've ever seen or this is the best post I've ever seen. And then like later that night, I see the dumbest motherfucker on the worldwide web advertising that they're fucking dumb. And I think I hate the internet. I hate humanity. I hate everyone. Okay. Had it or hit it talking on speakerphone in public.

Oh, this was one of mine. I've had that. I've had it so bad. Like I'm going to grab somebody's phone out of their hand and hang it up for them. Like in the grocery store, they're having like full blown conversations, walking right in the middle of the aisle, don't care that you can't like get around and stuff. Like, yeah. And then I was like going to the park with my kids

and like, oh, what's this? And they just not even paying attention. And I don't want to hear your conversation. I was also like waiting for a plane and somebody sitting next to me just on FaceTime with video and stuff. And I'm like, dude, turn it off. Yeah, I don't understand that.

First of all, the FaceTiming, I look like shit. I mean, I just, I answer that phone and I'm like, who is that ugly old woman? Like, I can't even believe it's me. And then the people talking and then they're kissing their phone. I'm just like enough, enough. We don't need all that.

Yeah. The only person I FaceTime is my daughter because of my dog, because she wants to see the puppy. Well, I'm totally fine with FaceTime and I'm totally fine with speakerphone if you're in your own home. Right, privacy.

Right. Yeah, or in your car or something, but not when you're sitting next to me at the airport or walking through the grocery store or even just walking down the street. I see people just going, having a whole conversation. They're walking down the street. Had it or hit it mandatory work parties. I've had it because I'm not super social. Like if it was mandatory, I'd literally go for one minute and then peace out.

That's me. And Bridget? I can't believe it would be mandatory. Yeah. I'm not okay with mandatory parties. See I'm not, I don't really like group activities that much. And I'm one of these people like the minute I say I RSVP to something I'm like, oh yeah, that sounds fun.

I'll do it. And about 15, 20 minutes later, this resentment starts boiling inside of me. And I've agreed to go. I've said, yes, I accept this invitation, I'll go there. And by the time the party comes to happen, I hate the person that's throwing it so much because of my inability to draw a boundary

and just say, I regret that I cannot attend this. That's all I had to say. I regret I will not be able to attend. And I instead respond, I enthusiastically will attend. And then by the time that party rolls around, I hate the people that printed the invitations, the people that designed the invitations, the tree that was the invitation at some point that grew out of the ground, the ink cartridges, the printer, the postman that delivered it, or whatever, email server. And it is just this ballooning resentment. And so any sort of mandatory group activity, I mean, I have had it. Yeah. What about like the work parties

when you guys worked at the Playboy Mansion? What was that like? We had regular parties all the time. They were pretty fun, but for us it was kind of unique because we like had to sit at the table with half almost the whole time or like we could dance like right in front of the table. like he was up dancing. We couldn't really like roam around and explore and see what was going on or anything like that. So it was interesting. Did you did you tell me he was bisexual in this book? That's no.

She her big didn't say that in the somebody said that in an article or something that he was bisexual. Do you all know about that? I think he messed around with guys like before our time for sure. Like when he was younger. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

I can't remember if I read it in a book or in that documentary. I can't remember. When we booked you guys to come on, she started to, she was like, have you watched it? And I said, I haven't. Pumps is all in. Oh, I was so in. And then she went, you know, when you get into something, I'm the type of person, when I get into something, I Google it and then I deep Google it

and I wanna consume as much of it as possible. That's what pumps is done. Obviously, right when we get off this episode, I'm gonna be like tap the vein, injecting. Yeah, you gotta watch it. I'm going to, I'm gonna start watching it. I need a new show. I had to even download some weird app to get it.

Like. The A&E or something? No, it was like a Tuboo or something app. A Tub something. Yes, on my phone. And I'm like, what the fuck is this? But I'm doing it. Here I am. Yeah, I'm doing it. Yeah. But I loved your book. I thought it was very insightful. I enjoyed it. And I liked the show. And I again, just want to hang out with the girls. Next level podcast. You guys are lovely. Bridget, I understand you have a new podcast

coming out. Tell our listener about your new podcast. You guys are lovely. Bridget, I understand you have a new podcast coming out. Tell our listener about your new podcast. Um, I'm obsessed with the paranormal. So I, um, had a podcast on for four years called ghost magnet. And I stopped doing that for about two years and then Reese launching a paranormal podcast called ghost bunny now. So it's going to be just talking to people about their paranormal stories from investigators to researchers to just people that have a haunted house or a location, just everybody's stories.

LESLIE KENDRICK And this comes out September, right? KATE BOWEN September 10th is my drop date. LESLIE KENDRICK Excellent. And then how can our, what are your social medias? I'm sure our listeners probably already know, but just share your social media handles so that our listeners can find you. Bridget Markhor I'm at Bridget Markhor on Instagram, at Bridget on Twitter, and at Ghost Bunny podcast on Instagram. Holly Madison And I'm Holly Madison on Instagram,

Holly Jean Madison on TikTok. And our Instagram for our podcast is Girls Next Level underscore podcast. I love it. You guys are lovely and darling. This has been so fun. We'll have to do it again. Thank you so much for coming on. Thank you.

So fun. Thanks so much to meet you guys. You too. Bye. Tell your mom. Hi, I will. They're darling. I love them.

What a life though. I mean, to your young to have lived in the Playboy Mansion and you know, and they the geography or the landscape of how that is perceived when they did it versus now it's really changed. I mean, Me Too has really helped catapult women beyond that being like a goal for them. Right. But at the time, I just remember everybody thought he was cool, Hugh Hefner. Totally. When we were younger. Oh, totally. They thought he was really cool. And it's like, he really wasn't.

No, he wasn't. And I think there's just a lot of exploitation of young girls. And he exploited them. When you watch it, you can be a playmate if you do that. You know what I mean? I think that happens to a lot to women who moved to California. They want to be actresses. They want to be models and they immediately get exploited by men in positions of power and they get intoxicated by it and then they compromise.

And they're so young and get so intoxicated by that idea and it's really sad. I guess there's celebrities running around everywhere. You're in this huge house, food, all the, you know, like I have room service all the time. But I love seeing these women, you know, claim their stories, be so successful. They're really fun. It was just, they're just tell they're nice. Yeah, like good people.

Exactly. All right, we are on tour. Please check out our LinkedIn bio. Follow this podcast. Follow IHIP News if you're into politics. Go to Patreon, follow us there as well and we will see you windpumps. We'll see you next Tuesday or Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with. Let's hear it. I've had it with that.