I've Had It - Gay Coded Cowboys

Episode Date: December 3, 2024

Jared Freid joins us in the studio to share his *impressively* long list of petty grievances. Pre-order our new book, join our Patreon Cult, and more by clicking here: https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast. Thank you to our sponsors: SKIMS: Shop SKIMS Holiday Shop at http://www.SKIMS.com/hadit. Available in styles for women, men, kids and even pets! If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you! After you place your order, select "podcast" in the survey and select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. LolaVie: Get 15% off LolaVie with the code Hadit15 at https://www.lolavie.com/Hadit15 #lolaviepod Aura Frames: Exclusive $35-off Carver Mat at https://AuraFrames.com. Use code HADIT at checkout to save! Uncommon Goods: To get 15% off your next gift, go to https://UNCOMMON GOODS.com/HADIT. Don’t miss out on this limited-time offer! Uncommon Goods. We’re all out of the ordinary. Sundays: Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://sundaysfordogs.com/HADIT and use code HADIT at checkout. Follow Us:  I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Jared Freid @jaredfreid  

So we're supposed to start the podcast. Ready? One, two, three. Something amazing is happening. Listener. All right. There's our eagle. I'm sorry, Jared.

Jared Fried is here in Oklahoma City because I think you might love us. I do. We love you. I came here. I love you guys. I came here to woo you guys, to court you guys. You flew. Bring you back to New York. I flew here early to be in your midst, in your aura.

Yeah, I wanna have it in person. I was telling you before we started, one thing I appreciate about you is the attention to detail that you give to your grievances. I am a professional complainer, I'm a ranter. I mean, I do this every day of my life. I just, and my joy, the thing is,

I love a complaint that is frivolous. I love a complaint that is like a nothing. Like I love when someone goes, calm down, it's just the elevator. And I'm like, calm down about the elevator, this is the only thing that matters to me. Like this is, I can't believe you're not as enraged as I am.

And nothing is worse than a calm down. Relax, calm down, easy, whoa, who cares? I was just joking. Yeah, I care about everything that doesn't matter. I have the problems of the problemless. And it's like a very beautiful place to be. I think everyone should hope to be where I am in life. I agree. That's right. No problems, but every problem in the world.

So you're from Boston. Yeah. You lived in New York City the last 15 years. Yeah. Is coming to a place like this, is it somewhat exotic for you? You know, I've talked about this before. It's National Geographic. I feel like I have come to a far off distant universe

and I am just a fly on the wall watching. And I'll never forget, the moment I felt this was when I went to a, last time I was here, I went to where they go line dancing. What's it called? Where? Oh, where? Cowboys? That was like, that was as if I was watching like a tribe, like watching a tribe doing tribal dances.

Like I've never seen, and all the men looked like the type that would bully a man for dancing. Right, but they're- Like all the men dancing like the type that would bully a man for dancing. Like all the men dancing looked like they would bully a guy who liked show tunes and dancing to show tunes. And their dancing with the big belt buckles and the tucked-in shirts, they're dressed like their mom was like, tuck in your shirt.

Like they look ridiculous to me. And also like tough. And the jeans are skin tight. They look ridiculous to me. They look also like tough. And the jeans are skin tight. They're like jeggings. And it was just very like, it was manly, the way they owned it. But also I couldn't. Was it kind of gay?

It was gay coded. Yeah. But that's why it was so unbelievable to me. And again, you have your assumptions of other people and what their, you know, what their, you know, views are and who they like, who they hate, and you're watching these man's men, like men's men type, and they're just like, and one and two and three and four and five and six

and shimmy yo gal, and you're like, this is crazy. And they got the hats on. And I was like, if I put on a cowboy hat and a plaid shirt and tucked it into my jeans that were skin tight and cowboy boots, I'd be like, it's Halloween. Right, I wouldn't feel comfortable. No, I would feel like a fraud.

And that's not, I don't think they're frauds. No, not at all. I would be like, my friends would be fraud. Yeah. And that's not, I don't think they're frauds. No, not at all. I would be like, my friends would be like, who are you trying to fool here? It's just, so I do come here and I do have this moment of like wide-eyed, like, wow. And I kind of like, I appreciate, I like that. Like I, that's why I'm, what I'm saying before is like,

I think losing regional things is like a bad thing. Okay, I want to get to your list of grievances. Listener. Do people send this many usually? No, they're not. I was wondering. Gold standard. Okay, because I have a lot and I've been adding to my list. Last night I texted Jared and I said, hey, have you left for Oklahoma City yet? He said no. And he said, what do I need to do to prep? And I said, text me a list of your grievances. and he said, what do I need to do to prep? And I said, text me a list of your grievances.

Five minutes later, I get like a book, published book. And so let's just go through each and every single one of them. Let's first talk about restaurant reviewers. I don't like, well, this is a very specific complaint. Right now, TikTok is like all restaurant reviewers and like they're like bringing you into this, it takes no personality, there's very little fun in them. They're just kind of explaining what the restaurant is.

Right now, the corner room is like a big hot place in New York and it's like, cause Taylor Swift went there. And it's like, kind of like high end TGI Fridays is what the food looks like. Like they have like a pig in a blanket. No, what do they have? No, they have pizza bites. They got Totino's pizza rolls.

Okay, they have the pizza rolls and fine. I'm gonna like a pizza roll anywhere I get it from. Whether it's from my freezer and it's been there a hundred years. I'm gonna like a high-end pizza roll too. Like if a chef was like, you know, when a chef looks at something and goes, I can do that, but I can do the chef's version.

Right. Yeah, of course that's gonna be delicious. But these reviewers never tell you what their financial situation is. Like it's always young people, mostly women who live in New York who are like the co- and they have no, their voice always young people, mostly women who live in New York, who are like the co... And they have no... Their voice never changes modulation. Just goes, the corner room in New York City

has the most fire pizza rolls that you've ever had. And you're like, okay, who's paying the bills? Like, I need to know, because how good something tastes when you go to a restaurant is directly related to how easy it is for you to pay your bills. Like if you are struggling month to month for rent and you decide to take your one night out to have an $18 pizza roll, it better make you cum your pants. Because... Because... And if you're getting your rent paid for by, you know, Daddy Warbucks in Connecticut,

and you don't worry about rent, it's pretty easy to say that Totino's Pizza Roll is fire and slaps. So, like, I need, at the front of every review, who's paying the bills, how much you pay in rent, is there a credit card that's shared between you and a parent? at the front of every review, who's paying the bills, how much you pay in rent, is there a credit card that's shared between you and a parent?

Because I don't need, because what happens is we all forget. Now it comes, two years later, this person has a million followers, they're making 100 grand a month, and they got Patreon subscribers, and they're like, please use my promo code. Well, let me know,

you know, where the promo code came from. Like I need to know, like, is a promo code, dad pay for everything? Right. Like I just need to know where this all started. Here's what I want. Tick talkers to start doing. And I'm going to piggyback on your idea. I want one of these tick tock gals, restaurant reviewers, to start the video with. I've been on a 10 day cocaine vendor, and I decided to get off, and after 12 hours, I was starving because I hadn't eaten in 12 days.

So I went and I had these pizza rolls. They were so orgasmic. They were so fantastic. I ate so many, I'm certain I gained two to three pounds, so I think I'm gonna graduate to meth. That's what we need. And I paid for it with the rolled up 100 in my pocket. Exactly.

Like it. There we go. That's what we need. Like, subscribe, review. I want the train wreck version of the internet. Well that's the thing, there's no honesty. You're seeing everything through a keyhole. That's the problem with the internet,

and we all know that. It's not an interesting take to be. That's the problem with the internet. And we all know that. Like, it's not like a, it's not an interesting take to be like, we're only seeing the good. But it's like- We do, but Gen Z, a lot of Gen Zers don't know that. You know who the worst people are? These, the couples comedy on TikTok. The husband and wife, where the wife's like dancing

on a table, she's like, I'm crazy. And then the husband's like, look at, she's crazy again. And then we're all supposed to like, it's all just like, it's all I love Lucy. It's the most, it is the most hack garbage comedy I have ever seen and it all has millions of views. So like I, again, I'm making people mad because they're like, but I love seeing Laura get on the table.

She's always dancing. He's a good husband like Jet and Pookie. Fuck off. Oh my God. Fuck off. Garbage. Garbage. Garbage.

I mean, Jordana Abraham, who's my co-host for the U.S. podcast, this is she has brought me to the light. She was like, it's objectifying. She was like immediately, she's like, she's an object. And this is Jordana's take. And I'm like, it's totally right. For me, I look at Jet and it's like, that's not, that is infuriating to me because it reduces men to,

to partners, male partners as, you know, either tell me I'm wonderful or say nothing at all. Have no opinion other than I am a gorgeous queen goddess. And you see these women in the con and the comments like, see, I just want to find a guy who can talk to me like this. It's like, yeah, no one talks to people. I'll tell you ladies, you can find a man exactly like that at your local gay bar. I have been friends with gay men since I was 18 years old.

They are effusive, they are complimentary, and I'm just saying I have- Pookie lookin' fine. Nah. Wearing her bodega. Like, how does he know all these brands? I'm just saying I have really good gaydar. I'm just saying I have excellent gaydar,

and I also- I would never accuse him- I I'm just saying I have excellent gaydar. And I also, I want to say, because I know every listener thinks this when they see Pookie and Jet. I always look at that. And I think she's got to fuck him tonight. Right. That's what she has to do. I just don't understand.

The dirty talk must be like crazy. Pookie, those titties looking sad or not. Pookie suck on my balls. Pookie put down. What's the purse that she has? She's always got a new what's it there? Burp. Pookie, let me come in your Birkin bag.

They're just such not real people. I just want to see Poki. There's no toilet paper. I want to see them do some weird shit. Poki, shit on my chest. I just want one real video from them. I agree. One real video.

They named the kid Paloma. Oh, did they already have the baby? Yeah, apparently. Paloma, like, I'm gonna have a pookie, let's name it after a daiquiri. This is what's so disturbing to me about this content. Yeah. We are a nation that is becoming void of culture.

Well, I'm sorry to interrupt, I agree with you. I think things are so horrific to us, we're so scared of the world, that these people, this unreality is kind of like, you know, is a brain, it's like making our brain ooze. Like we want it to escape us. Like I see. I see Pookie and Jet in the same box

that I see Stanley cups. These are not interesting things. Right, right, right. These are not something that you spend hours tending to and cultivating like we do our grievances. Sure. These are not thought provoking things. One thing is just a fucking cup.

Right. And two people these other two people It's total Performative bullshit and their real lives look nothing like that. Their conversations look nothing like that. And so you want to find your tribe It's like, you know diet coke I wrote down people who think diet coke's their personality like that's another tribalism thing. Yeah, we know Diet Coke has existed for 40 years at this point. There's no hot take in I like Diet Coke. But people are like, oh, but have you had the fountain soda

at the movie theaters? That's elite. And it's like, yeah, I've had that too. It's pretty okay. I like it. Are we done with this conversation? We have nothing else to talk about. It's boring. Is that all you got? Like anytime someone says, do you like Fountain, Diet Coke? I want to look at them and go, do you talk to your parents ever? Do you have friends? Do you have friends? Yeah.

Does anything interesting ever happen to you? Listener, this may come as a total shock to you, but Pumps and I have not always been this pulled together and rock solid. In fact, we used to be rather screwed up when you say Pumps. I would say damn near psychotic. Totally.

And we have written a cell phone expose. One could even say it's a manifesto. And the book title is Life is a Lazy Susan of Shit Sandwiches. In all sincerity, we share a lot of our struggles that led us to this grand stage where we can talk about petty grievances. You can click the link below in the show notes to pre-order your copy now. Listener, I'm so excited to share with you that I have discovered a dog food subscription service that is the easiest and best I've ever dealt with.

It's called Sundaes and what I like about it is it shipped directly to my front door. I don't have to refrigerate it. So if I need to take my dogs with me somewhere, I can simply put some in a baggie and my dogs love the taste of this food. I am absolutely obsessed, as are my dogs, with Sundaes. What Ollie likes most about Sundaes is its 90% meat, 10% superfoods, and 0% synthetic nutrients or artificial ingredients. Listener, Sundays is convenient. Unlike other fresh dog food, Sundays does not require refrigeration or preparation because

of their air drying process. All you have to do is pour and serve. When you start a Sunday subscription, you'll automatically get 20% off and free shipping on every reorder. You can cancel or pause your subscription anytime with their 100% satisfaction guarantee. It's so easy to order, store and serve. Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to Sundays4Dogs.com Sundays, go to sundays4dogs.com slash had it. Use the code had it at checkout. Pumps, let's be honest. During the holidays, one of the things you really want is to see some of your favorite

people more often. But sometimes you can't do that. It's expensive geography, et cetera. That's why I've discovered the perfect holiday gift, and it is Aura. It is a digital picture frame. It's named the number one digital photo frame by Wirecutter. What I like about Aura is I can upload the photos directly from my phone. It's not super complicated, so even I can do it. I uploaded all of the photos of the last year. Our trips, dinners with family, the kids' sports games. And I put it on my Aura album so that when my family comes over for the holidays, they can see

exactly what we've been up to for the last year. And then I just find myself staring at it from time to time thinking, you know, that was a pretty good year. Listener, save on the perfect gift by visiting AuraFrames.com to get $35 off Aura's best selling Carver Matte Frames by using promo code HADDED at checkout. That's AuraFrames.com promo code HADDED. This deal is exclusive to listeners, so get yours now in time for the holidays terms and conditions apply. Okay, now I want to show our listener a relatable side to you. Why don't you tell us about the Carlton Hotel and can. So I knew I like adding some grievances that I know you guys

will know. Yeah, that no one else the unrelatable grievance. Have you been to the Carlton and can I have? Yes, I know you guys will know? Yeah. That no one else... the unrelatable grievance... Have you been to the Carlton in Cannes? I have. Yes, I knew you have. I knew... I've not. I knew one of you was gonna be at the Carlton Hotel in Cannes. I'm the asshole that's been there. Okay, this is the most beautiful hotel I have...

one of the most beautiful hotels I've ever seen. It is in Cannes, in Saufra, south of France. It is... Saufra? I was like, what? Okay. I was in Saufra, south of France. It is... Saufra. I was like, what? Okay. I was in Saufra for what we did. I went on a vacation there alone, which to any straight man listening, which all three of you,

just don't go to Europe alone. That's my advice to you. Really? I would think it'd be a great hookup spot. No, for women. Women go to Europe because they can meet a guy who was, you know, they have predators there too. Right, but they also have cute, you know, foreign speaking men.

Well, I went when I was young too. Foreign speaking men who want, you know, wanting to fuck a woman is international. There's no, you know, there's no borders to that. Hang on, before we go- Being disgusted by American men is also borderless. Before we get to the door. The door that Carlton can't.

I just wanna share with you and the listener that when Pumps was, how old were you, 20? When I went? Yeah. 22. Doesn't matter. 22. 22 years old. She had a two to three day tryst.

I did. In the South of France! With a Frenchman. Sofra. In Sofra. And his name was Roy. And he didn't speak English, I did in the South of France with a Frenchman so in the South and so for all And his name was Roy and he didn't speak English except all He could sing every lyric in English to all air supply songs. I love I love this This is like a character out of a movie, right? So how did you so you just go like you point at a hotel like well? No, I was staying there and he lived there

like you point at a hotel, like, come fuck? Well, no, I was staying there and he lived there. So he had an apartment. I think it's been so long now, but I think I met him like on the beach and I thought he was cute. He thought I was cute, drunk, drunk, drunk, go back to his hotel room, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck for like two or three days.

And then it was like, bye. And then I, you know, and then you look back and you think, we never actually had a conversation because he only knew English to air supply songs. So what's an air supply song? I'm trying to think like- Lost in love. Are you too young for that?

No, I would know an air supply song. Lost in love, I'm so lost without you. Yeah, it's like a ballad. I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. Yeah, it's like a ballad. I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you. So that's playing throughout the whole two day tryst. Yeah. I'll repeat.

It was a romantic, French, you know, sex me, dine me. All he had to say, I'm so lost without you, you're like, bring me to the hotel room. Yeah, he was really cute though. Of course. I don't even know if he had to say that. But yeah, it was like that. Good for you.

Do you think he ever, do you think he has any relation to this podcast? Like you're out there. Fuck no. This is international, no? No, I'm sure he forgot. Roy. I don't think so.

Roy, if you're out there. Roy, if you're out there. If you're all out of love. And so lost without pumps. I'm ready. She's here ready to come again. Okay, good. Can you, but this is the thing like with like, She's here ready to come again. Okay. Can you but this is the thing like with like, you know, I kind of envy your generation because

this this idea that you could go to Europe, you go fuck for a couple of days. There's just no it's goodbye. There's no follow up. No, no, no paper. No cell phones. Right. You have a hit podcast, you become this big thing. There's no Roy up, no cell phones. Right. You have a hit podcast. You become this big thing.

There's no Roy being like story time. Right. I fucked pumps. And she didn't even ask me any questions. Can you believe it? I didn't even speak English. She didn't care. You hit it and quit it. I hit it and quit it.

We had the luxury of hitting it and quitting it. Right. There's no quitting it. No strings. Now it's hit it and follow on Instagram and watch every story and you know, pop in every now and again with a fire emoji. That's right. That's what it is. A drunk text.

Yeah. The drunk text. Now that is a huge problem. Drunk text. I'm OK about it. I'm not that bad, but I get them. And I think anyone who takes a drunk text like anything but like laughing at a toddler, like that's them at their most toddler form.

Yeah. Reaching out, good for them. They had a fun night. Like if I, when I see, are you out tonight at 3 a.m.? I'm like, good for that person. Yeah. They had a nice night. Good, and like when I wake up to it at 7 a.m.,

I'm just like, thank God I'm me. Good for them for being them. Like I'm just so no harm, no foul. All right, let's get back to the door. So I'm at the Carlton Hotel in Cannes, and we're there for Spotify with the Cannes Lions Festival, which is this big marketing festival. And every hotel and every beach club is taken over

by like Metta, Spotify, LinkedIn. It's basically like a, you know, a liberal's wet dream. You know, just every- Giant circle jerk. Right, giant circle jerk. And we get brought in to do a one hour panel and that's it for Spotify, to talk about podcasts and ads and stuff like that.

So, which is a great fun time. We're at the nicest hotel, and the door, the circular door, what is it called? Revolving. The revolving door is like not pushable. Like it would take three people to push the revolving door. And the whole week, we're sitting, I'm watching people pushing this revolving door.

You're at the nicest hotel in Cannes. You should see one person have to struggle with that door and it should be like, Bellhop, get over here. Like, how are we dealing? And then everyone's going to the other door. They're trying it once, going out of it, going to the other door. You're in the lap of luxury.

If anything should work, it's the door. Or there should be a door guy standing there being like, not this way, everyone this way. Someone, I just don't like, when you have a high end, high end experience, and then we're just stepping over this one thing every day, there should be be accountability here. This is where I'm gonna push back a little bit.

I appreciate this in the French. I appreciate the like, fuck you, our door's broken. You lazy ass, go to the other one, problem solved. And I agree, I know you're gonna say it's the highest end. I agree with all of those things, but in the United States, everything's fixed, primed. You know, suck the dick of the capitalist, go, go, go, go, go.

The French are like, eh, we'll get around to fixing it when we want to. I think that's the worst type of human being is the French. You do? Awful. Because they take your money, and then they act like money doesn't exist. You can't live in both worlds.

You can't live in a world where we charge $1,200 a night for a hotel room and, oh, we're going to make this about money? That is the French attitude. It's the same as like, what are you so angry about? Well, I'm angry that I'm spending a month of rent to spend a night at your hotel. I can't open the fucking door. Seven minutes of the night is spent wrestling with your door. That's, that was a $5 door experience.

I do think of money. That's the thing, this is my, my problem with most things is this under, expectation versus reality. I think that's where every frivolous grievance comes from. You expect a certain thing, and then you get this thing that is under expectation. This is the same, again, it's the food reviewer.

I expect to be told by someone who knows their food where I should go based on a rating system that relates to money in some way or another, that lives in the real world. And then it ends up living in a fake, you know, fancy pants world of like, oh, wait, will people pay rent? People have mortgages, people have children,

diapers cost money, you know. Okay, how are you still single? I hate that question. That's why we asked it. Question in the world. People ask, it's always married people. Because they want you to admit that you wish you had what they had.

Which, what they have is pretty awful from my vantage point. What they have seems pretty boring and not that fun to me. But they wanna make sure that you admit, they're basically, they're turning you into their relationship cuck. You know, they want you to grovel and say,

oh, I just, I don't know what I could do. Because there's no good way to answer it. Like, let's say I answer positively. How are you still single? Well, no, I like my life. I like it a lot. I like being single. Now it's undefensive.

No one believes that. Or I go negative. Now I go sad town. Well, I guess maybe I just, I'm afraid of going to the next step and I should probably talk to a therapist about this and you know, I just don't know if I could love in the way I really wanna love.

You know, like that's not a conversation anyone really wants to have. So then how are you still single? I could go like incel, like it's these women, you know? Like there's no good option other than like, please set me up with someone, please give me what you have. And it's like, I don't want what they have. Right.

You know what this conversation tells me? No one asks me why I'm still single. Uh-oh. So that's a huge red flag. No one's complimenting you. Everyone knows. No one thinks it's a mystery is what that tells me. Well, you know what?

This reminds me. Okay, so we were in New York. Yeah. And we did the New York Comedy Festival. Yeah. And then we do a VIP meet and greet. Sure. And there were these women came and they said,

hey, Pumps, I just want you to know this man asked me to give you this note, but we pre-read it to make sure it was okay. And it's actually pretty sweet. and he has the hots for you. So they pass the note to Pumps. We do the VIP meet and greet and then we go outside and there's like 25 people waiting for us outside the venue.

The show ended like an hour before so we were kind of shocked at that. We're like, oh my God. Right. People are waiting on us. Paparazzi. The guy who wrote the note didn't trust that the ladies, cause they were like, what do you mean

give this note to pumps? We're gonna pre-read this and like, we're gonna vet it. So he went to a restaurant and got a sack, a paper sack, and he re- A paper sack. A brown paper sack. Okay.

And he re-wrote the love letter for pumps. And I have to say, it was kind of funny. It was really funny. Can you hold it on the air? No. Why not? It's at home. Why wouldn't you read it? It's that I have to say it was kind of funny. It was really funny. Did you write it on the air? No. Why not? It's at home. Why wouldn't you read it?

It said, you need to bring it. It says, I'm a thousandaire. It was really clever. With a million red flags, which I love red flags. He was 56. Yeah, 56. Who was he at the show with? I think that's the big.

No one, I don't know. Came alone. It appeared he came. Okay, serial killer vibes. And I didn't know it't know. Came alone. It appeared he came- Okay, serial killer vibes. And I didn't know it was him. Came alone. I never met him because we were passing through the people.

I didn't know it was him that gave the- He gave me the paper set. Right. And said, will you please give this to Pugs? Right. I also gave her another note. I said, oh, did you give it to those two ladies? He said, yes.

I said, oh yeah, they pre-read it. The note is cute. The note's really cute. As someone with a dating podcast that talks about dating now for over a decade in the modern age, this is kind of what people want. The in real life, especially what women want a lot of times, a man making a decision, pursuing, deciding on them,

not being vague. This guy... It's a tangible note. Right. And his number was on it. It is interesting the thin line between people want and when it gets creepy. Because one note, this is beautiful, this is great.

Now the next move has to be we text, we make a plan. The minute you go to the second note, now that is what someone does who has captured your child. Well, no. You know, like, I want a million dollars. In his defense, he said, I rewrote the note because those ladies were kind of iffy if they were going to actually give it to her.

Right. And he was looking for safety as far as, I want to make sure this is okay that I approach you. I didn't get a creepy vibe. So have we gone out? Did you text? No, I don't know if you texted. No, I have too many issues to ever respond to that.

Like I could be. Why? What's the other option? Let's talk about your issues. Yeah. Oh, I just have so many issues, Jared. Well, your issue is that you're not taking the bait here. I mean, it's okay to not like it.

I'm not saying you don't like it. Dating in general, I have huge intimacy issues that keep me from... What are you looking for in a partner? Do you even want a partner? I don't really want a partner. I'm really selfish. I'm not a huge prize. Well, your confidence is an issue right now. You just said, I'm really selfish, I'm not a huge prize.

No, those are two different sides. Like, I wouldn't want to give up my nightly routine with my dog. Yeah, but there might be people who, if you found a partner that was like, you go to your house, I go to my house, but we like each other otherwise. See, that would be perfect.

An out of state, like once every month. This seems to be that, that guy could be the solution. I mean, maybe could live in New York. Yeah, I mean, New York is a good place to visit. You could meet him like. I mean, maybe he could live in New York. Yeah, I mean, New York is a good place to visit. You could meet him like Roy, once, two days. Yeah, tons of fucking. Two days sex facts. Yeah.

He's the midlife Roy. Yeah, but I think he speaks English. My problem is talking. MLR. I don't like to talk a lot. What's to talk about? You just think, bang it out. I'm all out of love. I'm so lost without you.

I just wanna fuck whenever you come to the city every now and again pumps, we just wanna fuck. Just blow me and leave. Don't forget about Pookie's Birkin. Pookie's Birkin will be full of jets come, full of jets come. Pookie's Birkin is full of it all day, all night. Pookie looking fine. Pookie that vagina's looking fine,

even after you gave birth to Paloma Pookie they stitched you up right downstairs Like what is ever an asshole I Bet he's a huge I don't hope he's an asshole. I hope they have like a normal life. I hope they have a very non-problematic, but there's just more than meets the eye. You know why we know this? Because we have been whistleblowing on this

for two years. Whenever you see a performative couple, it is a red flag. Behind that performance is a multitude, an onslaught of fucking fucked up shit. I know, because I've been in relationships. I lived with someone for a multitude, an onslaught of fucking fucked up shit. I know, because I've been in relationships, I lived with someone for a minute, and I was just so annoying to them.

And I would just, I enjoyed that. I did enjoy annoying. You liked it, she didn't. I mean, I think that I would hope that some of it was cute to her. In the beginning it probably was Maybe, yeah, it was like and that's what my dad does to my mom is just constant like messing with her Yeah, my husband does this to me

The idea that like someone would you know, again you go to like a gala you go to an event you look beautiful tonight You look amazing to set up a camera and go Boogie looks fine. I was like, get out of here, loser. I just think that that guy doesn't have friends. All of my friends would be like,

what are you doing with your wife on video? Right, that's fucked up. And then once they start making money, people, they'd be like, what, you make what from that? And then they would go, oh, it's for the money. But there's a beginning period hump to get over where my friends would be like, what? Wait, why do you just compliment her

and then people watch and think you're a good guy? I'll tell you what bothers me about them more than anything on the planet. It's not Paloma. Before they got pregnant. Oh, I mean, I've been here since the beginning. They have a French bulldog. Okay.

I worry a lot about that French bulldog in the same way that I worried about former vice presidents Pence's pet rabbit. Okay. When I hear that people like this- I didn't know he had a pet rabbit, that's crazy. Yeah, he moved it into the vice president's house. Okay.

Pet rabbit. Popping around. When I hear about people like this, having pets, and in Pookie and Jet's case, I saw the video with the pet. I worry about the safety and well-being and emotional growth for that pet. They have a French bulldog, we have French bulldogs. French bulldogs are needy, they require a lot of attention,

they're very emotional creatures. You think all the attention is going towards Pookie and not enough. I think Pookie and Jet are bad pet owners. That's what I'm here to say. Wow, it's an accusation. You heard it here first. Yes, I do.

I really, I think that they are bad pet owners. Yeah, he's gotta watch all that weird sex they're having. Exactly. All that Birkin bag fucking. I'm here to advocate for the French bulldog that is a victim of Pookie and Jet's unbridled narcissism and God only knows all the sex that you describe. Right.

The creepy Birkin sex. Here's a YouTube exclusive. You need to interview the Frenchie and then I'll dress up as the Frenchie. Yes. And then it'll be me with a cigarette being like, I don't know. Pookie is fine. She doesn't say much. Jet, I mean this guy, I don't know.

Pookie is fine, she doesn't say much. Jet, I mean this guy, he fucked a Birkenbeck. He put his penis in a Birkenbeck. I don't know what the hell he's doing. I have to watch that every night. They let me sleep on the bed. I don't want to sleep on the bed. I don't wanna sleep on the bed. I'd much rather sleep in the other room. They prefer I sleep on the bed.

One night, Pookie pulled me aside and was like, what do you think of Jett? And I was like, can I tell you the truth? I think it's a little weird that he only complements you and gives you no, I could give you a few things that you should improve. I Think you don't dress your age. I think you need to like rain it in a little bit. This guy's never gonna tell you You're gonna think you're great your whole life people are talking about you behind your back. I talked to the other dogs at the dog park Okay, I talked to them. Everyone's talking about you.

He doesn't go down on you at all. He refuses to go down on you. He's that complimentary and he won't go down on you. Hand stuff isn't enough, Pookie. Okay? His wrists are flimsy. I feel how he holds onto the leash. Okay? It's not enough.

End scene. See, I'm an actor too. I just... End scene. Hey, I've had it, listeners. This episode is proudly brought to you by Lola V, an award-winning hair care founded by the ever fabulous,iconic Jennifer Aniston. Pumps with holiday season in full swing. I have decided a little stocking stuffer for you

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Okay, we have to go to Had It or Hit It. You know this game. Okay. Oh my god Welcome to had it or hit it. I would hit it. I hit it every day sometimes twice a day All right had it or hit it recycling had it I think recycling is the dumbest thing in the world No, if recycling was important, wouldn't we have a, wouldn't we just know recycling so well? Wouldn't that be taught to us from such a young age and over the course of years that we would be like,

how is it that I'm 39 and I go to the garbage and I'm like, what the fuck is compost? Yeah, the compost thing. If it was important for us to do, we would know how to do it. In the same way we know how to drive, in the same way we know how to merge on a highway. If it was life or death, which I don't believe it is.

What, you ever watch them take, you think the people at Starbucks are like taking the bags, the separate bags to separate places? No, they're putting it in one bag. And that's the problem I have is we as a country, us citizens are forced to argue amongst ourselves and think someone's a good person or a bad person based on how well they do a recycling.

When this is at the corporate level, this is at the government level, this is not our problem, we can't fix it. Right. And now we are forced to judge one another based off of some family that's making money off of recycling. Like, you know, there's a, you ever meet someone

that like, oh that family made it all in waste management, or they made it all in recycling, and you go, oh so some kid is like going to private school while I'm sitting there going, well the plastic had food in it, and I don't know if I can throw it away now. You know, like, I just think it's all bullshit, and it's made us look, it's become a religion for people,

people think they're good people because they recycle. Let me tell you something wild. Growing up in the 80s, it was common to have a milkshake in the car, and you sipping on it and you had a bench seat, your mom was driving, you could go sit right next to her, you could just slide down the bench seat. You'd just roll down the window when you finished your milkshake and just toss it out.

Check it out! With zero guilt, zero nothing. And then they started this anti-littering campaign. So then we decided we can't just throw shit out the window anymore because I did that all the time and everybody did it. Everybody littered through it. Now they're wanting us to recycle.

And I'm like, I started on this journey, throwing my shit out the window with reckless abandon, zero guilt, like a sociopath, genuinely. And now to try to get me to figure out that recycling is really difficult. reckless, abandoned, zero guilt, like a sociopath. Right. Genuinely. And now to try to get me to figure out that recycling is really difficult. We wonder why anxiety is at an all time high. It's because of stuff like this.

Right. Like, how about you just give us a big shoot to put everything in, and let's just forget it. We did our best. Like this idea that I'm a good person or a bad person, it's like creating OCD out of nowhere, I gotta like touch the garbage can three times to make sure that I recycled the right way.

Like I, and what you're saying is correct. I was in Austin, Texas. I got in an Uber. I was in the Uber and the woman driver, she's in the front, she chugs a plastic water bottle, she rolls down the window and she hocks it out the window. And I was like, oh my God. And I, you know what I god. And I you know what I

did? And this is weird. And this is this is how diseased I am by the big recycle. I literally was like, I don't know what to do. So I took my seatbelt and I put it on. Like as if that was related to like her throwing out the windows like, well, what will she do next? Right. She might drive on the wrong side of the road at this point if she's willing to throw a bottle. That's how diseased I am by this idea that like,

if you don't throw things away correctly, you must be a crazy person or a bad person. It's just affected me. So I hate recycling. I hate when people tell you to have a reusable bottle. I hate when, you know, and all these reusable bottles are to make someone else money. Like, follow the money.

Like, they're... We are all just getting coaxed into this emotional thing. We're, like, being emotionally taken advantage of. All right, had it or hit it. Wedding, dinner. Had it. I think the dinner at the wedding is the worst part of the wedding. We're like being emotionally taking advantage of. All right, had it or hit it, wedding, dinner. Had it. I think the dinner at the wedding is the worst part of the wedding.

If it were me, how I would change weddings, I'm having pass around hors d'oeuvres the whole night. I like it. Never stops, keeps changing. In the beginning, it's more cocktail hour fare, and then as the night goes on... Slider. Sliders. Pizza roll.

Pizza rolls, and then you start getting into, like, you know, forkfuls of grilled chicken, little, you know, little cups of pasta, and then towards the end, you have dessert pass-arounds. I want the waiters at my wedding to have done 30,000 steps by the end of the night. I agree. I think that's better. You know, that's... I think that is... Yeah. the waiters at my wedding to have done 30,000 steps by the end of the night.

I agree. I think that's better. I think that is, because we sit down for this dinner, it's like weirdly formal, no one wants the food, it's never good. Never good. And no one's ever had, it changes up the whole energy. We have to sit for this.

You're a hostage. Yeah. At least if it's hors d'oeuvres, you have the freedom to go, oh my gosh, I've got to run to the restroom. Right. Even though you don't have to go to the restroom because you want to get the fuck away from Jed. Right.

Who's talking about his sex life at the wedding. Exactly. So you're trying to run away. Telling you how he fucks a Birkin like Jed. That's right. And so that's, I don't like forced group meals and forced group activities. Let everybody be free, especially at a wedding. This also goes into another point where

the feedback's gonna be, but what about grandma and grandpa? We should have an age limit at weddings. I think there should be no grandparents. I think we have to get rid, I think the upper age at weddings, I think 70 and younger, everyone else, if they're over 70, we will have a live feed. We will have it going the whole night. They can watch on Zoom.

We'll set it up in their old folks' home. And they can watch from home. And you know what, by the end of the night, they'll be appreciative. We'll send them like a basket, those influencer packages, we'll send them a basket that when they open it, a little firework goes off. Oh yeah. You know, a picture of the night, they'll be appreciative. We'll send them like a basket, you know, those influencer packages, we'll send them a basket that like when they open it, a little firework goes off. You know, a picture of the couple.

They'll love it. That's a really good point though, because two of my nephews recently got married and it was a big thing, not on my side of the family, but on other people's side of the family. Like, well, what about uncle such and such? And he's like 89 in a wheelchair and the bride and groom were having to make all these plans. Here's the thing that I want

everyone to know. I'm 50, she's significantly older than me. 54. I don't want to go to weddings right now. No I don't either. My desire to go to them when I'm 80-something will be even that much more diminished because the one thing I've learned about getting older is your give-a-fuck meter breaks beyond repair. Just send the check. These old people send the money. That's exactly right. And liberate the elderly.

Don't make them be hostages at a wedding. Right, we're doing them a favor. And at one point we can put up a big screen and we can show them from their bed like Grandpa Joe. Like a big wave. Yeah, they'll do a wave like they're like the soldiers abroad on New Year's. Like, hey, we're here.

And then we go, okay, back to the ball drop. You know, it's like. Okay, had it or hit it, marathoners. I've had it. I don't get it. I don't understand the need to run a marathon. I get, you know, again, what they do to you is they say, well, I'm raising money for this great cause.

And do we need you to run to do that? I don't think we, how about you, you know, and I, listen, it's not the marathon that I don't like. It's the people that go out after the marathon. After the marathon is the worst bar night of the year. Because it's like, you know when they say like New Year's Eve is like amateur's hour. This is amateur's hour from the worst type of human.

Because the person who runs a marathon, they're like an A personality. They're waking up at six a.m., they never go out. They tell you, I can't go, I gotta get up for my run. They've been making you feel bad about going out for a whole year. Right. And then on their big night, where they're wearing a medal

in a tinfoil blanket, they're out looking at everyone at the bar, look, I'm out, look at me, I'm drinking. Yeah, I'll have a shot. I never have a shot. It's this big, like, elitism of like, I never party, but this is the night I party because I just ran 26.2 miles. Like, that's what it took for you to go out. How about you're not a fun person?

How about I regret giving to, yeah, you're a narcissist. I regret giving to your, whatever charity regret giving to your whatever charity you represent. You have now made me hate this charity. Right. The only night you go out is when you're wearing a medal that you didn't even earn. You didn't win. Think of the awful person that the only night they let loose

is when they've run 26.2 miles. I let loose when I get 2,000 steps. Right. The threshold way lower. I walk to the bar, I'm like, wow, I deserve pizza after this. OK, had it or hit it, reality show deniers. I don't like when people hate reality TV. You don't have to watch it.

Right. It's not like going to the bar after the marathon. We have to be in the same bar. I have to be amongst these losers with a metal on. Right. With a reality show, change the channel. Right. You don't have to watch it.

If you don't watch a show, I don't care. I don't watch your shows. And then the big thing is like, it's not real. What is real? What show are you watching? Right. What are you, you just watch the news and that's it There's no place that takes you to a different place. You don't think you think Ted Lasso is real

Reality shows yeah, everything is not real. Everything is a version. I would say a reality shows more real than Breaking Bad At least they're using their real names. Right. You know, like, I just don't understand. And it's like always there in securities. I like The Bachelor. I think The Bachelor's fun. It's got a great arc. Starts with 30 people, then it goes down to one,

and they get engaged. That is a beginning, middle, and end that you don't get a lot in life. Right, right. So let me enjoy that. But what these people do, they go, oh, what is, you know, the men, they all, the men that hate the bachelor, that are insecure, they go, oh, what does you fuck all the women? It's like, yeah, they do it on camera.

It's a big porno on CBS. And then the women that don't like it, they're like, it's just not real. And it's like, sorry, your life is awful. I like it. OK, Jared, thank you like, it's just not real. And it's like, sorry, your life is awful. I like it. Okay, Jared, thank you so much. Thank you guys. Thank you for coming. We'll see you guys next Tuesday or Thursday. I'll tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with that. Listen up, patriots, gay triads and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News.

It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind, Pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say? Cacaw!

A little bit more enthusiasm. Cacaw! That's it. That's, that's, Cacaw! That's the patriotism that this country needs right there.