I've Had It - The Nation Needs a Therapist

Episode Date: October 8, 2024

This country needs a group therapy session, and our favorite psychotherapist, Terri Cole, is up for the task. PRE-ORDER OUR NEW BOOK and find live tour dates + more by clicking here: https://linktr.ee/ivehaditpodcast Thank you to our sponsors: This episode is sponsored by Betterhelp: Take off the mask, with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com/ihip today to get 10% off your first month. LolaVie: Get 15% off LolaVie with the code Hadit15 at https://www.lolavie.com/Hadit15 #lolaviepod Sundays: Get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to https://sundaysfordogs.com/HADIT or use code HADIT at checkout. Follow Us: I've Had It Podcast: @Ivehaditpodcast Jennifer Welch: @mizzwelch Angie "Pumps" Sullivan: @pumpspumpspumps Special Guest: Terri Cole @terri_cole  

Listen up, patriots, gaitriots, and natriots. We have a new podcast that has dropped. It's called IHIP News. It's Monday through Friday, every day, 15 to 20 minute hot takes on the political landscape of the United States of America, always served with a side of petty grievances. We are on all the available platforms, Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever, if you get your podcasts and YouTube. Please go rate, subscribe and review so that we will chart upwards with America's greatest legal mind pumps. Pumps, what does an eagle say?

Cacaw! A little bit more enthusiasm. Cacaw! That's it. That's, that's, Cacaw! That's the patriotism that this country needs right there. Ready? One, two, three. There she is. America's legal eagle. America's greatest legal mine, patriots, gaitriots,

thetriots. We are knee deep into election season. We're having a lot of fun. Pumps, what have you had it with? What I've had it with is public eavesdroppers, what I like to refer to as budinskis. So I'm sitting waiting for a table in the waiting hold area of the restaurant. Tell my girlfriend how I love, we had just watched the same Dateline episode.

And I said, well, what happened? Cause I fell asleep at the end. I said, a lot of these episodes, I fall asleep at the end cause I watch them before bed. This random person says, well, you know, it's not healthy to watch murder before you go to sleep. And I turned around and looked at her. It's like, who the fuck are you, Karen? Why are you in our conversation? A, it's none of your business. B, the only person that can tell me I'm a psycho is my therapist.

But you have no business entering our conversation. I mean, it was just like, mind your own fucking business. Why she thought she had the authority or any reason to comment on my conversation when she doesn't know me, she has no idea. Maybe I am a psycho, maybe I am a serial killer. I was furious. So, Budinskis, had it with them. I agree.

I can't tell you how many times I've been having a conversation with Josh, with you, with my kids, and it's completely private conversation, but you're in public. Right. And then some schmuck standing in line next to you, seated next to you on a plane, waiting at an airplane gate, just starts chiming in. It's like that guy that one time when I was going to board, he tried to let me know when

I was going to see if the plane was boarding. He's like, it's not boarding yet. I'm like, listen up asshole. I like to walk and get my eyes on the gate beforehand. I like to check the lay of the land. Call me crazy. But I think you're crazier because it's none of your damn business. How does me walking to check a gate affect you? How does me watching Dateline before I go to sleep affect you?

It doesn't. So shut the fuck up. Yeah, and I've seen these reports about watching Homicide Before Bedtime and that it's a red flag but I'm just going to say I like to do it. I find it soothing. All right, let me tell you what I've had it with. I've had it with people and you're sitting in an intimate space with them like this and you're having a conversation and they just reach up and grab their head and twist it

and pop their neck mid conversation and then look at you like that's normal and not disturbing. Like it didn't happen. Or they just start cracking their back. And it's like, okay, number one, I don't know you very well. Number two, we're engaged in a conversation. Can you do that at your chiropractor's office? Do you have to do this stuff in front of me? This public bone popping in front of other people, it

really, really bothers me. I can't even go back to the conversation now that you're popping your neck and popping your back. And it goes with the knuckle popping too. Yeah, all the popping. I just, and it's such a distraction. And then obviously the person speaking stops because it's a very loud fingernails on a chalkboard style noise. And then they look at you as though you're the problem. I'm like, I'm not the one self chiropracting in the middle of the conversation. Have you ever been with somebody having a conversation where they do the double thing? Where they get to one side and then get the other side real quick and then just act like it's normal? It always just freaks me out. I think it's so weird. I think it's like a

bone-popping theater. I'm like, can you not go to the bathroom and do that? Why do you have to do that in front of everybody? There's a performative nature about the bone poppers that further bothers me. Yeah, it's like, it's kind of like that's private. Like, popping your head around in weird things and cracking everything in your body. I feel like that's more private than public. I think it's completely private. And I don't understand why they're all exhibitionists. The bone poppers, they want everybody to know that they are poppers and so they pop in front of everybody. I saw this really disturbing thing on Instagram the other day. So it's a guy, he's

a chiropractor and he has a French bulldog and you know my for you page or whatever you know the page that it curates for you has a lot of French Bulldog content and he's always got his dog this cute little Frenchie on his chiropractor table and he's like doing chiropractic on his French Bulldog and my son Roman and I were looking at it and I was just like, why on earth is he popping his Frenchie? You know what I think that is? I kind of feel like that's pet abuse a little bit because they don't understand what you're doing. I just, I didn't like it.

I don't like that at all. I don't want, I just, it really deeply bothered me. I just, I think the bone popping stuff is just, it's a very private issue. Don't film it. Don't do it to your dog. Don't do it mid conversation. Can you imagine if we're like filming this podcast and I just start popping my neck? Yeah. And it's kind of like a whick with your head. So it's like the head almost spins around. It goes so fast. Yeah. I think you don't masturbate in public. Don't pop anything in public. I agree. These are private matters. Right. If you want to bone pop,

bone pop, swing for the fences, crack away, have a crack at it in private. Nobody, nobody thinks, oh God, that looks fantastic. Or I'm so glad you did that in the middle of our conversation. That added so much to our connection for you to crack everything while we're talking. I feel so much closer to you. Welcome to I've Had It. I'm Jennifer. I'm Angie. She's the star of our show, America's Greatest Legal Eagle, America's Greatest Penile Shamer.

I believe we made it through the entire first seven minutes of the episode, not one mention of penises. Well, I have to work on that. I know that's what the people come for. All right. Our producer Kylie is here, whom Pumps calls Kathy. What's going on on our reviews? Have we gotten any more since we started the threats to the listener?

We have, but not enough. Not nearly enough. I think they could come a lot faster, but I do have a couple I'll read to you. This is five stars from Trisha. And she writes, I am, for all intents and purposes, a straight woman, but I swear, Jennifer Welch, if you keep using words like duplicitous,

Kathy's gonna have another member on her team. So what is the suggestion there that straight women don't have large vocabularies? No, I think it she thinks your large vocabulary is sexy and titillating. That was my takeaway. She likes it. All right. So there we are. I like it. Large vocabulary is a turn on. It. So, there we are. I like it.

Jennifer is tough. Large vocabulary is a turn on. It kind of is a turn on. When somebody is a great conversationalist and uses more than three syllables in a word, I find it attractive. Are you attracted to me? No, not like that. But I'm just saying, you know, like when you hear somebody that uses incorrect grammar,

like I don't care if you're the hottest motherfucker on the planet, but if you're like, ain't no way I got, I got me that. I'm just like, I'm out. I'm out. Like bad grammar doesn't do it for me. So on the same token, I can see a polished orator is attractive. Right, which would explain why Barack Obama has been so wildly successful. I think he's one of the most polished orators the country's ever had. Absolutely. I think that's a great example. You, Barack Obama, false equivalency. Okay, this one is five stars titled, They Are Me, I Am Them. And they write, Imagine

my shock as a gay black male in his 30s realizing that I'm actually a white woman in her 40s. Thank you for saying we're in our 40s. I love that. Thank you so much for saying we're in our 40s. He said, But seriously, we experience two very different worlds. And this podcast is a reminder that when you look at the world objectively, it is not difficult to be on the side of humanity and equality while poking fun at how ridiculous the human experience is. 10 out of 10. What a great review.

I love that. And the one thing that's always been so surprising to me and to POMPS when we go on tour, we just got back from Seattle, is the audience, the diversity in the audience, the youth, the sexualities, the people that are more our age, all mixed in together. Skin colors, genders, all of the stuff, all mixed in together that are cynically hopeful about the future. Yeah, we got the biggest compliment. One of our attendees at Seattle said,

she was a black female, and she said, y'all are the only two skinny white bitches I like. And I was like, that is a huge compliment. Okay, I wanna say to that lady, I can't remember your name, but you were tall. Gorgeous. Gorgeous, from Atlanta, flew in from Atlanta to Seattle to see us.

You had on black jeans, a black t-shirt that had a comma and law next to it for Kamala, and you had on some cool glasses and a black blazer, and I want you to DM me because I want to be DM buddies. Yeah, she was great. Loved her and she flew and then after our matinee, because here's the deal, we are going to normalize matinees. These 8 p.m. start times are overrated. But because of the matinee, this listener was able to fly from Atlanta across the country, and it's a big country, to Seattle, sit down for an hour and a half shit talking

with her two favorite white bitches. And then she caught a flight after the matinee because we're not selfish schedulers. No. That frees up the evening for the people that want to go to bed early. If you want to go out and get all liquored up, you have the opportunity to do that. If you need to catch a flight back to Atlanta,

you can do that. So shout out to that lady, I loved her. I loved her too. And one thing you forgot to mention in the victory lap of our matinee is normally when we're breaking down a show, the people are like dying to get home because it's 1130. We were telling everyone, you go home, have a great night. That work there. You're off early tonight. Go home. I mean, we were, we can have been prouder of ourselves. Well, and they were happy.

They were happy. They were happy. Everybody's happy to be done. The people at the Neptune Theater in Seattle were delighted that it ended early. And we're like, bye ladies, have a safe trip home. Loved having you here. There wasn't this like scrambled rush of irritation because you know that next morning is just gonna come

crashing and raining hellfire on you. Not on our watch. Not on our watch. We're matinee girls. Yeah. All right. I would like to share a story from the USA Today. Okay. And the title of this article is Surgeon General's Warning, parenting may be hazardous to your health. This is not satire. This is real. The article goes on to read, the Surgeon General has a new public health warning. And this time, the hazard isn't tobacco or alcohol.

It's parenting. Two-fifths of parents say that on most days, quote, they are so stressed they cannot function. Roughly half of parents term that stress, quote, completely overwhelming. Some of the snapshots of the parental stress points are child care prices are on the rise, parents have more demands on their time. Technology with parenting, and then Americans are becoming parents later, if at all. And what I want to talk about here, obviously,

child care prices are debilitating for so many working parents. But a new thing that is different from when we were children to now is the demands on the parents' time. This is the kind way of saying forced helicopter parenting. And forced helicopter parenting is sweeping the nation. There are voluntary helicopter parents. You know these women. Everybody knows these women. They're the ones who are all up in the kids' business gossiping about kids that go to a school

that they don't even attend. And then you have these parent group me's that are sponsored by the helicopter parents where they invite people who are trying to raise their children to be autonomous and live in the reality that they've already been to school and it's their child's time to go and advocate for themselves and figure out what needs to be turned in and when and buying a ticket, etc.

The helicopter parents are forcing helicopterism on people like pumps and me. And the demands of this are utter insanity. I can totally understand 100% how any kid that is a Gen Z or a millennial right now that was raised by a helicopter parent would get to adulthood and say, I don't want to have children. Absolutely. For that and many other reasons. But what happens is these helicopter parents, if you're a working parent, they force you in a situation where you feel like your child feels less than because everybody else's parents there and you're not. And I struggled with that, you know, when it was an assembly during the day when the kids were little and they'd be like, mom, everybody else's mom is there.

And finally, I just got to the point where I was saying, everybody else's moms need something better to do. I'm not going. I have no interest in your elementary school assembly. And I, you know, all the, we have to be in everything, every activity and we have to do all this. It's like the pressure is from the other parents making you feel like your child is the one

that doesn't have a caring parent. That's the pressure I felt when I had to say, I can't do that, I can't be there. It's toxic. It is textbook codependency when you are doing for others what they should be doing for themselves. And when you have a child that is in junior high or high school, particularly college, you have to let them start walking across that bridge from childhood to adulthood.

And sometimes they head, you know, they're close to adulthood and then they can skirt back around and go back and ask their parents for help. But if you're holding their hand while they're walking across that bridge, you're going to have nothing short of a titty baby. And then these articles, parenting may be hazardous to your health. If you are thinking that you have to be involved in the minutia of every single part of your child's life, I think it's disastrous. And I think all of these crazy ass right-wingers at school boards, brow-beating, acting like

they need to be involved in all this shit that goes on up at the school, need to homeschool. Get out. Your kids are going to be entitled titty babies that end up taking a shit in the Capitol on January 6. That's where it all ends. But I just, I'm so glad that they're addressing this. And I think that parenting is amazing and it is awesome, but I do not believe for one second that my life is better or more fulfilling than friends of mine who have chosen not to have children. Absolutely. There is no bonus point or brownie point that you get for choosing to have children, but I think the general idea from this article too is

when you think about the organization called Planned Parenthood, the right would have you believe that it's just abortion city over there. That's not what the organization is about. It's about educating young reproductive age Americans about how to get protections and have safe sex and plan for a future when you are able to have a family. What Project 2025, JD Vance and Donald Trump

want to do to Americans right now is say you have to breed, breed, breed. Right? You're going to have an abstinence only education. Put purity rings on kids' fingers. If you get raped, tough titties, you're having that baby. When the surgeon general is saying parenting might be hazardous to your health, what we need to be doing is educating our public about how serious and how difficult parenting is because there is this unspoken rule in society that when you have kids and when you have a family everything is going to be great. The toughest decade of anybody's life when you have kids are your 30s because shit

starts raining hellfire down on you because it is difficult and this needs to be taught. Not that parenting isn't rewarding and that it isn't joyful, but goddamn, it is really stressful and really difficult, especially when you have financial problems and a full-time job. Right. It is very hard to mitigate the opposition of the wealthy helicopter mothers. Yeah. You can't emulate it, and I don't want to. But parenting is hard, regardless

of the circumstances, but you add the additional stress. It makes it overwhelming. So I'm thrilled to hear that. Well, this segues perfectly into a guest that we have invited to come on today. And this will be her second appearance. And she is Terri Cole. And Terri is the author of Too Much,

A Guide to Breaking the Cycle of High Functioning Codependency. She is a licensed psychotherapist. She is the leading authority on high functioning codependency. She is a licensed psychotherapist. She is the leading authority on high functioning codependency and is the host of the Terry Cole show. Let's welcome to I've Had It, Terry Cole. Pumps, our ability to suck and then wake up the next day and suck more than the previous day is undefeated. It's unparalleled. We are the champions.

If you would like to see how bad we suck, please join us in New York City in November for, you know, just some world-class shit talking. That's right. Live. Live and in person. That's right. I don't know about you, Pumps, but my dogs are the pickiest eaters. Some of them have to change what they eat.

I think that's probably fair to them. I don't eat the same thing day in, day out. I've started adding, as their dinner meal, Sundays. Sundays is a fresh dog food made from a short list of human-grade ingredients. It was co-founded by Dr. Tori Waxman, a practicing veterinarian who tests and formulates every version of each recipe. What I like about Sundaes is it's easy to store and to serve to my dog.

Unlike other fresh dog foods, Sundaes does not require refrigeration or preparation because of their air drying process. You can just pour and serve. Every order ships right to your door, so you'll never worry about running out of dog food again. It's so easy. This is the easiest way to feed your dog a delicious meal. Listener, get 40% off your first order of Sundays. Go to sundaysfordogs.com slash hattit or use code hattit at checkout. Let's welcome our favorite psychotherapist

and Lord knows the hosts of I've Hattit desperately need a psychotherapist and ours is none other than the fabulous Terri Cole. Terri, how are you today? I'm fantastic now that I'm here with you guys. We're so glad you're here. I feel like since our last episode where we talked about high functioning co-dependence, like I was like ding ding ding, you are the winner. So I've really been working on it with my therapist. And just two days ago, I went to my son's dorm room

and it was an absolute disaster. It looked like they were growing penicillin. And I just walked in, I said it looked great. I didn't pick up the towels, I didn't change the sheets, I didn't unload the groceries. I was just like, okay, I love you. Bye. And I was just like, I cannot wait for Terry to come on the podcast and me to tell her that I wasn't in there sweating and doing all the things to clean that room up because the filth just goes all through me, but I'm letting it go. So how did that feel?

It felt really good. I felt very detached from it. That's his deal. Amazing. It feels good to stay on your own side of the street. It does. It really does. It really does.

Speaking of staying on your own side of the street, we were emailing with you before it. Why don't you tell us what you've had it with? I've had it with unsolicited life advice. People whose lives you would never want in eight billion years telling you what they think you should really, you ought to be doing. No thanks. That's so true. We talked about recently on the podcast that there's been this explosion of life coaches. And there's no licensing or oversight committee. And we noticed, Pumps and me, that some of the most unstable people we've known are popping up on Instagram as life coaches giving advice via their Instagram.

What do you think about that? I talk a lot about with therapists as well that because on Instagram you'll see a lot of people being like, I'm an expert in whatever. And I look and I'm like, well, you graduated exactly six months ago from grad school. So I'm not sure you are actually an expert on anything. You and I haven't lived long enough. So I think there's something to be said about us being discerning about whose opinion we give a shit about.

You wouldn't let any stranger on the street tell you what they think. So this is the same thing when it comes to what you consume on the interwebs. Be discerning. I agree. I think that's a great point. You kind of had a nuance of these unsolicited advice givers and you mentioned the auto advice givers. Tell us about that. Well, this is very high functioning codependent. Trust me, I'm not going to be too hateful on it since I'm in recovery from high function codependency. But where you're talking about something with a friend, you're not even asking for advice.

And they're like, Oh, make sure that you take the 405. Don't take the 110 because they're like, we can't even stop telling you how to drive. We can't even stop telling you how you shouldn't be shopping for your makeup at that place. There's a better place. We can't even stop telling you how to drive. We can't even stop telling you how you shouldn't be shopping for your makeup at that place. There's a better place. We can't even stop telling you about, you're telling me about the new face cream that you love, but I still want to convince you that the one I have is better. Auto advice giving, we just can't stop, won't stop. It's very compulsive. It really is.

I think I do this. You do it. She tells Uber drivers where to go. And I'm just like, that's their job. I'm guilty do this. You do it. She tells Uber drivers where to go. And I'm just like, that's their job. I'm guilty of this. So is that high-functioning codependent or just full-blown asshole? Nut job.

No, I have to say, it's very HFC. It really is. Because here's what is the through line of HFC, is that we feel overly responsible. A lot of times we over give. We over everything. But we feel overly responsible. Right. A lot of times we over give, we over, we over everything, but we feel overly responsible for things. And we also don't trust other people. We don't trust that they're going to do it right. We don't trust that they're going to do it well. And so the conundrum that a lot of HFC is find themselves in is

that they're doing all the things for all the people. And then they're kind of bitter and martyred about it. Right. That is me as a parent. Yeah. But I'm getting better. I really am. But that is me. Like my kids drive me crazy because of incompetence. And I realize the reason they're incompetent is because of me. I'm the reason. Because you've infantilized them. Absolutely. And then you're like, I've not let you have any skills. Why don't you have any skills? Exactly. That's exactly what I do.

But I'm so much better than I was. OK. Right on. I want to talk to you about, we're in the throes of a very polarizing political season in this country. And we talk about politics a lot on this podcast. But we have another podcast, IHIP News, where it's totally political.

We're really progressive. We live in a red state. And I think right now the nation needs a therapist. And I'm nominating you, Terry Cole. And I wanna give you some scenarios to help our listener navigate situations with this election. And so here's one scenario. What about the people in your life

that you have a history with, and you have warm feelings of affection towards this person, and it comes up and they casually mention that, you know, I'm voting for Trump because I like his financial policies. And then a person says that to me. And then I say, yeah, I'm unable to do that because I care so passionately about my friends that are LGBTQ plus and minorities.

And I see the way he beats minorities down. What advice can you give everyday Americans that have friends that appear to be reasonable until politics are brought up and then the subject comes up? How do we have civil conversations that promote feelings of empathy towards the underrepresented and marginalized members of this society? We have to look and go, okay, there's a reason why this person is doing what they're doing as well, even if we don't agree with the reason. Oh, I'm, I'm, I'm voting Republican because my family are all Republican and we've been for decades or whatever.

So I think that there has to be on both sides. And you know the people in your life, this is the same exact advice, meaning if that person who says that for financial reasons, they're going to vote the other way, is it possible for you to have a conversation with them to say, are you open to hearing why I'm not? Or is your mind made up? It's possible, Terry, but just when you said we have to understand why that person feels that way, in my brain, it just compulsively came out because they're an asshole. I answered it silently in my head because they're an asshole. So I think this gets it and I'm sure

that the other person when they hear me think, oh, she's just a woke old hack. So how in the most polarizing tribal environment that I've ever lived in in this country, help us, Terry. Help us. There has to be the willingness that we would like to see from the other side is the willingness that we must also employ. That you can't, people know that you think they're an asshole before you even go into that conversation. If it's someone that you respect and love, I have two ways of doing it in my own life. If it's someone who I know I'm not going to change their mind, but they're

my extended family and I am going to see them once or twice a year. I have a no politics policy and I have like one of my uncles is always trying to provoke me into a conversation and I always just laugh in his face and I'm like, oh yeah, like I'm falling for that. No, thanks. Like I won't be having any of that unproductive, frustrating conversation today, but it's like he's trying to be provocative and thinks it's funny because he's an asshole. But anyway, there's no need though. I can have a boundary and protect myself from that. But then there's also family members who I love and I feel like they're misguided and I don't talk to them about politics at all. And we all have that respect. We're going

to, we know that we have, we're on different sides of the fence and that's okay. If it's someone who I think really wants an honest conversation about why, about what's important to me, about why am I voting the way that I am? And I love them. I will certainly have that conversation and I will, if I don them. I will certainly have that conversation. And I will, if I don't know something or they tell me something, I'll back check it. Like I can get into having a real conversation if there's an opportunity to potentially change someone's mind. It's like fighting for what I believe in per se. But we have to be discerning about whose mind is changeable

and whose isn't. And we have to do our best to stay away from the judgment because nobody wants to talk to you if they already know that you think that they're a dummy before it even starts. I feel like it's a time where we're all struggling with civility, like I told you, my brain says, fuck you. And then, I'm more civil,

but I think it's helpful for us to sit down and kind of have a national therapy session. Pumps, what do you feel about all this? I'm with Jennifer kind of, my situation is, I have parents that are right leaning. Not right leaning. I mean, they've been on the Trump train twice. They say they won't be on the Trump train again, but I don't know if I believe that.

But my thing is, we don't ever talk about politics by design, but yet it creates a wedge in my relationship because that's where my focus is right now, is trying to do the things that I can do to elect a Democratic president that values women and marginalized communities. And so it's like, there's a distance there that we have. And I know my mother feels it, but she's not going to say anything because I feel like she knows she's wrong. Because every time I walk in their house,

they turn off Fox News, immediately the TV goes off. I mean that that's just a little bit of respect that they've shown, but that's it. And so how do you deal with that? Do you address that with that person or do you just kind of let it lie and see what happens? I think it depends on how close you are. Like we all love our families. We all love our parents. Like we know nobody's going to be perfect and the year you may not be able to change them, but you're not willing to not have a relationship with them over it.

So I wonder if, if you thought there would be any productive conversation and if they're even claiming, here's the thing, if they're even claiming not to get on that train a third time, I feel like there is at least a part of them that knows that it's probably not the right thing to do. So part of me feels like you have to decide, Pums, is it a conversation you could have maybe privately with your mom about why you're so passionate about the way that you're voting

and maybe something productive can come from it or can you just leave it? Because here's the thing, you guys, there are going to be people in our lives that we've really loved and that sometimes talking about politics can really negatively impact that relationship where either the person is super ignorant and has no interest in becoming educated. They're not fact checking, they're not verifying. They're like, oh my God, they're eating the dog? That's so mean. Right.

You're like, hello? No, they're not eating the dog. Like, oh my God. I mean, that was an actual situation that happened with someone that I know her hair cutter had come to her house. And my friend is liberal and the hair cutter is not. And she said, so, you know, my friend, just to kind of throw a dig on the way out, this is right after the debate, she said, oh, so I guess, you know, you want to keep

your, you better lock up your your dogs and cats if you live in Ohio or something like that. And the friend said, I know, isn't that terrible? My friend was like, Oh, my God, come back into this house right now making a pot of coffee. We're talking about this. But it was that that's happening more than we know. Yes, where people don't do the research, they're not interested in seeing if something is verified. They are they hear a rumor, they hear it on on one of the news stations over and over again. And they go, Oh, that must be true.

Well, that reminds me of the good old adage, you just can't coach stupid. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Pumps, I get so stressed. I'm so stressed about so many different things. I am so grateful to have discovered BetterHelp and how convenient it is to get on with a therapist to center myself to try to find some semblance of serenity. I absolutely love BetterHelp because I can do it from my own home and that makes me feel less inhibited and I can really get a lot off my chest. Listener, if you're

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H-E-L-P dot com slash had it. Hey, I've had it podcast listeners. This episode is proudly brought to you by Lola V, an award winning haircare line founded by the ever fabulous, ever iconic Jennifer Aniston. Pumps, is this your secret? Is this why your hair looks so fantastic? I absolutely love these products. My hair feels better. It styles better. I just cannot tell you

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them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Your hair will thank you. Let's move to our world famous game, Had It or Hit It. Oh my God. Welcome to Had It or Hit It. I would hit it. Had it. Had it. I hit it every day, sometimes twice a day. All right, had it or hit it cold plunges? I gotta say I've kinda had it.

We get it, we get it. Everyone loves it, it's amazing. Just, I don't wanna do it, it's cold. I don't like it, thank you. Like I don't wanna get in ice. There's other ways to get healthy. It's one of those things that it just came on the scene and oh my gosh, it's the best thing you can do for yourself,

and you have to do it, and it was just everywhere. And I'm just like, shut the fuck up. I'm not jumping in a cold tub of ice cubes, period, full stop. And this links to your original grievance of auto-advice givers, where they're just automatically giving you the advice, go take a cold plunge, whereas I respond, I try to avoid being cold every day. I'm cold-natured, I'm not gonna voluntarily be cold. Like my number one goal each day is how can I not be cold?

So jumping in ice is not your thing? That's right. Okay, had it or hit it, Ted Lasso. Just had it, here's the thing, you guys. Here. Just had it here's the thing. Here's the thing here's the thing things that everyone in the world is watching like Game of Thrones and breaking bad in the sopranos and Ted Lasson maybe I watch it one day I'm not watching it now please stop talking about it. We're done and of course, I'm the person

I'm always late to that party. Yeah, and then in 4 years from now I'm going to be like'm always late to that party. And then in four years from now, I'm gonna be like, oh my God, Ted Buss. I'm gonna wanna talk about it. I've totally done that with shows where I'm like five years too late and I'm like, oh my gosh, do you wanna talk about it? And they're like, girl, that's five years ago.

That's what you call having it, having it, having it. You're late to the party and then you hit it. Yeah. Totally. Okay. Had it or hit it. Posting life updates online. I feel like it depends. Can I say it depends? Yes. Yes. I haven't had it with that because I'm actually interested. Like when it's my friends and their kid is getting

married and there's a life update or they found out their kid is pregnant. Like, you know, we're all in different phases. So I'm going to say hit it. I like it. Yes. I like it if it's a major life update. I'm embarrassed to tell you this because this is going to make me sound mentally and psychologically unhealthy, but I'm going to go ahead and tell you anyway, because I'm never going to grow unless I get this out of me. I do enjoy, Terry, when somebody is having a little bit of a public meltdown online and they start chronicling the breakup with somebody with screenshots. Maybe, you know, there was an affair and a bus, you know, a fuck around find out situation, they start chronicling it.

I do lap that up rather deliciously, and I'm not saying it's healthy, I'm not saying it's good, and get a little chuckle, and I think, well, maybe you're not so screwed up after all, sis. This person makes me feel normal, so I'm in. I think that is not uncommon at all, Jennifer. I'm just telling you, it is not uncommon.

You know, there's a whole, what's it called? It's not zeitgeist, but it's like, or where is it zeitgeist when, like, people sort of, it elevates the way you feel about yourself when someone else's life is a total shit show. You're like, you know what? I'm only half a shit show, so I don't feel that bad. I hit that. Exactly.

I hit it, hit it, hit it. OK. Had it or hit it Melania Trump? Always had it. Had it from the beginning. I used to be a talent agent back in the day. I would never want to hit it, even when I was an agent for models.

So had it from the beginning of time. I like that. Same. Me too. Longstanding. Longstanding had it with her as well. Yeah, I never thought about her until she came into the sphere with Donald Trump.

And then I'm just like, who would sign up to fuck him? Something is wrong with her. I don't care. I mean, I don't care if it's a billion dollars. I don't care if it's $500 million. There's not enough fucking money. There's not a bank account big enough. Gold toilets, gold toilets are not enough.

I'm not shitting on a gold toilet for the rest of my life. No, thank you. Okay, had it or hit it gentle parenting. I'm going to say had it with too gentle parenting, right? I love a gentle parent. I think this is appropriate. When you have good emotional self-regulation, you're not losing your shit on your kids. But the too gentle parenting

is the one that goes over where it burdens the kid, where they're like, here's 17 things you could have for lunch because mommy is a short order cook. And you're like, but I'm three. So I don't even have the capacity to pick from 17 things. And why is it okay if mommy stop asking a three year old if any shit is okay. Okay. Right. Here's your lunch. Eat it.

Right. That's the end of the story. Yes. Because I'm leading, but we can be gentle. So I'm going to say I would hit it with gentle parenting. I would. I've had it with too gentle parenting because I don gonna say I would hit it with gentle parenting. I've had it with too gentle parenting because I don't think it's good for kids.

I love that. What about the overt helicopter parenting that's going on? I'll give you an example. My youngest son is 18 years old. He's a senior in high school. There is a mom group me that I think is one of the most toxic, high-functioning co-dependence, to use your word, that I've ever seen in my entire life. Get your son's homecoming dance ticket here.

And I'm thinking, he's registered to vote, he can drive a car, he's going to the dance, I don't go to school here, I'm not going to the dance, I'm not the homecoming queen, why am I involved in this? It drives me crazy. This is hurtful to these kids, is it not? It is, but let's talk about why. It's hurtful because when parents won't stop over-parenting, what they're doing is they're centering their child's experience on themselves. Like I can't let it be about you. It has to be about me getting your ticket. Right. Have you seen the videos? I was just talking about this in another interview,

the videos of the parents showing that they're taking their kids to college and they're rearranging their place. So it looks like they've literally like reconstructed the room. It's beautiful. They have the walls painted. They bring a new furniture. It's like and there was someone there. There's this woman who has she's like a Gen X or and she's talking about like, stop ruining college for your children. Please stop.

Let it was the most exciting thing about going to college is like you'd get something from a dumpster and be like, oh, my God, I have a new desk. I got it out of the garbage. How amazing. Right. Like I'm doing it myself. It's the beginning of adulthood and you're, we're robbing kids of those experiences when we do a Jennifer had said where we're just centering, like we can't get out, get out of the party, mom. We don't want you to be the cool parent and let us drink. We want to have to sneak around and do it like everybody else. Right. Exactly. Stop ruining it.

Yes, I agree with that. Exactly. Okay. Last one. Had it or hit it, Kamala Harris. Oh, hit it. All day. Every day. For the next four years. Absolutely agree. And beyond. Make it eight. Make it eight. I agree. It is about time a woman run this show because as evidenced by this last 50 minutes, we have absolutely crushed it. We've crushed it. I think we've grown. We've grown. We had a national therapy session with our favorite therapist. Right. And we trust implicitly. Yes, you've actually helped us. I mean, our codependency, Terri, is better.

I love it. And if people want to start to learn how to be like you guys are, less high functioning codependent, we're giving them just a little gift. They can go to terrykohl.com forward slash hfc. And I'm giving you a little hfc starter kit. Where to begin if you're not sure where to begin. I love that idea.

Make sure you, how do they follow you on socials? Go to, um, at Terry Cole, which is T E R R I C O L E and, um, Instagram and you can, I also have a pod I've had since 2015, the Terry Cole Show. Just look up my name and you'll find me in all the places. I love it. Terry, thank you so much. Just look up my name and you'll find me in all the places. I love it. Terry, thank you so much. It's always a pleasure.

Thank you, Terry. Thanks for having me, you guys. Bye. Bye. Her voice is like soothing authority. Yes. You know that she's an authority. You can tell she's incredibly smart.

And she can be very confrontational when you need to be confronted. And I want to say this, I was happy to have some conversations with her about where we all are right now. And after having spoken with her, I think a lot of our listeners in particular struggle with how do you handle these people in your lives that can smile to your face and then vote for policies that are gonna hurt women, that are gonna hurt the LGBTQ plus community. And for me, I've just decided, I'm not gonna do, I will say the fuck you in my mind

because it makes me feel better to be unhinged somewhere. That's self-saving. Yeah, no, I think that's fair. But I do like that she said it's okay to draw a boundary. And I'm going to. Yeah, I think it's good. All right, that's all we have today. We hope that you enjoyed this national therapy session because we're all about drawing boundaries,

getting better, and honestly, fighting for a better place for humanity as Terry Cole expressed so beautifully. She's a humanist and we should all value human beings over money, for God's sake. All right, subscribe, go give us a review. We're out here doing therapy in public for God's sake. All right, we'll see you guys at Pumps Tellem. We will see you next Tuesday and Thursday.