Jordan, Jesse, GO! - A Little Olaf, with Laurie Kilmartin

Episode Date: April 17, 2025

On this week’s episode, we welcome back comedian, Laurie Kilmartin (The Jackie and Laurie Show), to chat about writing for the Oscars this year, running errands, Attack on Titan, and more!See tour dates and watch Laurie’s comedy specials!Listen to Laurie Kilmartin Plays Stand-Up from Conan O’Brien’s TV Shows on SiriusXM Jordan’s new Spider-Man’s comic is out now!Pre-order Jordan’s new Godzilla comic! Be sure to get our new ‘Ack Tuah’ shirt in the Max Fun store.Or, grab an ‘Ack Tuah’ mug!The Maximum Fun Bookshop!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On.Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.Listen to See Jurassic Right!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Our thanks to everyone who became a member of Maximum Fund during the Max Fund Drive, Jordan. Thank you. We love you. Indeed. You know what? As Stan Lee would say, enough said. Enough said. Hey, hey, Max Fun members, this one's for you. Hit it. And by hit it, I mean, we're going to do the podcast.

Oh, great. Yeah, we're not going to do a musical number. We're just going to do the same, you know, podcast we do. Did you see, you know how sometimes we come into the office and there's a weird box on my desk? I do know that's I look forward to the weird boxes, seeing what's in them. Yeah. We get a lot of mail here at the office because I'm a public radio host. Right. So usually if a box comes, it just has a bunch of James Patterson novels.

Sure. Or like sample tote bags in case anyone's like, if you need a new tote bag distributor, imagine how lovely your logo would look on this handsome tote. It's not because they think James Patterson is going to be booked onto public radio. It's because when James Patterson has a book, they send one to everyone they know. Right. Everyone on the list gets a James Patterson book when the new James Patterson book comes out. You ever crack a Patterson? I've never cracked a Patterson, although my boss, when I worked at Borders Books and Music, once told me when I was in my hiring process, he said, everyone here really loves books. And then he turned and showed me his collection of hardback James Patterson novels.

I wish Patterson nothing but the best. Oh, sure. I think I read one of his books in high school about an iceberg. Oh. Was the iceberg some kind of detective? I don't know. All I remember is the iceberg. I don't remember the texts of books. I remember how they made me feel. I wonder how... It just made me feel like it was about an iceberg.

I am fascinated by a... We'll get into this box in a second. I'm fascinated by these dudes that just write 10 books, just write in a row in six months. Yeah, sure. Yeah, Stephen King, who else just writes 10 books? Authors of erotic Minotaur fan fiction. I mean not fan fiction, I guess I should say. I guess although they seem like they are fans of Minotaur. But they're also full-scale professionals. Right. Yeah, it's their own IP. Like it's a passion project, but it's a paid passion project.

So anyway, there was a weird box on my desk. Yes. Let's talk about this box. Sometimes it's just somebody's homemade rap core album. I mean, nerd core rap album. Sometimes it's somebody's homemade comic books. I mean nerd nerd core rap album. Yeah, sometimes it's somebody's homemade comic books Mm-hmm. I always like to see those things. Thank you for sending them to me But you can't come on bullseye sorry, but thank you for sending I love that people are out there making things and thinking of us

You know what I mean? I mean if there's one thing I love more than making it's thinking. Yeah, there's I Like stinking well. Yeah, there's... I like stinking. Well, yeah, I know. I've been in the booth with you, Jesse. Okay. I've been in the booth with you. So, on my desk was a box and it was, I'm gonna say, grotesquely swollen. Okay. It seemed like an okay like...

Sure, yeah. Yeah, it was as though it had been left in a basement that flooded. That kind of vibe. Or it was like maybe full of evil. Yeah, exactly. It was like wanting to escape, that was anxious to burst free. Steven says to me, oh, well, I heard about something you're obsessed with and I've always wanted to get one of these for someone.

I open the box. Inside is this Olaf. We've revealed Olaf from Frozen. Is that like an airplane pillow? I think it's like- Is that an in-flight Olaf? Yeah, it's like a pillow pad that you can like hug at night or keep with you. Wow! Jesse, he's hugging, he's stroking, he's giving a little kiss, oh my gosh! I kissed Olaf on the lips. Steven, are the cameras on? Yes, they are. Are we rolling on this?

Oh. We got it. This has to go right to OnlyFans. This can't just go up on social media. This Olaf has not left my mind for 10 years. How long has Frozen been out? Yeah, I mean, yeah, sure. It's been a while.

Yeah, that seems about, so wait, so where was the first time you saw this Olaf, Steven? I feel like people were just sharing Frozen memes, you know, Tumblr, and just the pillow pet, but kind of more in like a walking animal position, like a bear, and it just kind of has been in my, the photo of that has been in my phone for a decade. So I wanted, but then when I learned when I learned Jesse loves Olaf.

I do love, I love, well, Josh Gad was on Bullseye the other day. It will, will, will be released soon. Um, but I interviewed him the other day. And, uh, Steven found out about how much I love Olaf from Frozen. I love Olaf from... I like Frozen. I love the songs. And I love Olaf. I'm not a sister, so I don't relate to that part directly. But I like Frozen. But I love Olaf. He's my favorite of the comic sidekicks of animated films.

Because his whole character is about us knowing that death exists and he doesn't. This particular Olaf being a pillow with a head. Looks like he's being melted. Oh, I was going to say has been dismembered, perhaps by the mob. Yeah, it's really terrifying. He looks like a puddle of Olaf, like a square puddle of Olaf. Yeah.

Where just his head is there and he just has his classic blinkered ignorance. Yeah. Just his, I don't mean to suggest that he's like racist or something. He just doesn't know that death is coming for him. Sure. That's the main thing of Olaf. Um, well, yeah, that's beautiful.

Is, now Steven, am I right? Is is that for like airplanes is he a neck pillow? I don't I don't know if you could children. Yes, but I think it's for children who are pilots Yes. Yeah, so it looks cozy though. Beautiful. Yeah, it feels to thank you so much for thinking of me Steven, of course It's nice. Yeah, it's nice to have like if you're like I've got a thing Yeah, you're you I mean we you, Jesse, your famous thing is Olaf. It's nice when you're a guy and you have a thing that has so much merch associated with it. You are just going to get douched by Olaf stuff for the next five years.

This is like when J. Keith Van Stratton had that bad, bad, Bats Maru themed bathroom. Right, Exactly. I believe his now wife, I think then fiance asked him to limit it to like eight bad, bad, bots, Maru items. Right. Yes. He had like hundreds of bad, bad, bots, Maru's lining every wall of his bathroom. I think I'm going to end up with an Olaf bathroom now. Please do not send me Olaf things. Thank you, Steven. Oh, sorry. Others do not. I got it in first. Feel free to continue to send me little videos of Capybara's doing funny stuff. I'm on board for

that, but I can't have any Olaf items. It's going to be an avalanche of Olaf. Sorry, Jesse. This is your life now. I just think that it's funny that- He's going to be digging yourself out from a pile of fun co's. That he doesn't know that he's gonna die. I always think to myself, God, I wish my relatives were into the Beatles. Every time I need to buy gifts for my family, which can be kind of challenging. My family members don't have these distinct interests. I don't have someone who's just like, ah, you know my thing. It's Garfield

You know even like golf or fishing or something. No, not really So yeah when I like I have to just think of thoughtful shit to get family God damn it. I know and I'm just like I wish they were into the Beatles. There's so much Beatles stuff There's so much and some of it's really cool. I could just get Beatles stuff for everybody if they were just into the fucking Beatles. Yeah. There's new Beatles stuff all the time. Yeah.

Anyway. I mean, there's two Beatles still. Sure! And they're still cranking out Beatles adjacent stuff. There's new remasters of- like, I can get people remasters. You know what? If they got all the Beatles albums, get them a Billy Preston album. Sure, yeah, there you go. The fifth Beatles, some said. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. I don The Fifth Beetle, some said. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. I don't think Pete Best had any albums. No, I don't know. What are Pete's? Yeah, we'll see. Who knows? Our guest on the program, known as the Sixth Beetle, one of our favorite comedians and podcasters

from The Jackie and Lori Show, Lori Kilmartin. Hi, Lori. Hi, guys. Thanks for having me. It's great to see you. It's great to have you here. We have recently determined on the program that you're probably faster at swimming than Jordan. I just want to get that out there

in case it's been weighing on Jordan. I don't, like, it's gonna be fine. No. We're just gonna get it out there. There's no way. Lori's faster than Jordan. No, there's no way. But I do love that Jordan is a grown man

with child swim hair. Like, you only see that kind of curls on a young boy who swims all the time, and you are a full man with them. So that's sort of interesting. Thank you. I'm the first adult precious moments figurine. That's my vibe. Grown up alcoholic precious moments figurine.

Yeah, Laurie, do you have a thing people get for you? Are you like into angels or the cubs or something like that? No. And in fact, whenever I get a thing, I think, how do I get rid of this? Sure. how do I get rid of this? I think since I had to de-thing my parents' house after my dad died, I was like, I don't want any stuff anymore. I'm just trying to get rid of stuff.

So whenever I buy something now, I'm like, how long is this gonna last and how am I gonna get rid of it? And- It sounds to me like you're a sort of reverse Olaf, and that you're hyper aware of your own death. I'm very ready to die at all times, especially driving here to this location.

A lot of people don't know this, but there really are two poles. On one pole, Olaf the snowman. On the other pole, the notorious B.I.G. Sure. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't have no. No, I don't have a thing, a good gift thing to get me.

If either of you guys wants to get something for my aunt Martha, she does love puffins. That's perfect. I mean, puffin might be a little challenging. You probably can't just like sprint into a target and grab a puffet thing if you need a gift. It was a lot easier in 1989. I feel like 1989 was really peak puffin in American popular culture. You could just go down to any nature company

and get yourself a few puffin items, send them to Aunt Marty. Like after a feud, don't you get sick of, sick of that item? Oh, I don't think she wants them. No, no, no, she doesn't want them. It's just a lazy way of thinking of someone. Right, right, right, right. Yes, no, no, she doesn't want them. It's just a lazy way of thinking of someone. Right, right, right, right. Yes. Just puffing at 89 and it'll be puff until she dies, right?

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, just like for me, it's kiwi strawberry flavored things in 89. Kiwi strawberry flavored things for the rest of my life. And I'm movie starring Australian comedians? Yeah. Wow. Late 80s stuff. Or sun dried tomatoes. Or sun dried tomatoes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess since I have become, since getting my cat, you know, 12 years ago, I have become like a vocal cat weirdo. And so people get me a lot of cat stuff. I get a lot of like cat dad socks and stuff like that. And you know what? I like it.

I'm into it. Listen, would I prefer someone get me a thoughtful gift sure yes absolutely But if you just need to like get me some crap for my birthday I'll take the cat crap, and I'll have a lot of fucking fun with it No, I guess I prefer to someone to run errands for me Anything anyone wants to do. They'd rather get you a puffin. Yeah, what do you want?

Ah, exactly, give me a gift certificate for task grabbing. I kinda like an errand. I like a classic errand, especially since most of my work has been from home. Like I'm like, oh man, I gotta go to the post office today, picking up dry cleaning, returning library books. I love a classic errand. I love those things 1,000%.

They're great. All my wife wants to do is dig herself a little hamster style hole in a pile of newspapers in our house and eat a piece of cheese. And all I want to do is go on errands. My wife knows that she can give me any errand, and I will gladly. Oh my god.

I didn't know that a person like that existed. Oh, yeah. It's people who want to be outside their homes. You know what's fun? Picking up a prescription. Oh. Love to pick up a prescription. Oh my god.

My mom had the wrong child. You should have been her son. What a shame. What are the errands that you hate, Lori? Right now, I have a swimsuit that is stretched out, so I need to clip the straps and have them sewn tighter, like two inches off the straps. So I have to bring that to the seamstress, I guess.

Oh, that's one of my favorite errands. That sounds like a good errand. I'd love to go to the seamstress. Nina, that's my seamstress. Get a little ticket for when you're going to pick it up. Yes, exactly. I had to drop a suitcase off because one of the wheels was wobbly.

That was an errand I ran. I did that recently. Ooh, I loved it. I went to the luggage repair guy. Yeah, I do try to repair all my stuff instead of just throwing it away. So it's a lot of going to the shoe guy or the seamstress. So far, you've listed, for me, exclusively errands

where a Korean-American person will yell at me. Ha ha ha. Amanda, that luggage repair man, his friendliness just really came out as yelling. Our seamstress is Armenian, so she's very pleasant. And also I have a backpack that I'm trying to, I have to put add new straps to it and a second backpack where the buckle broke. So I ordered buckles on Amazon and I'll have one buckle to fix and I'll have nine leftover buckles for to fix

backpacks for the rest of my life. Let me ask you this, Lori. Yeah? On this backpack repair, are you going to be working with the luggage and shoe repair person? Are you going to be working with the seamstress on that one? Seamstress, different group. Okay, because she's just sewing the webbing. She's going to, yeah, I bought some new webbing and new straps and she's going to sew those straps on and then I bought the buckles and she'll put that all together too. I had this drapery project when I moved into my house I had this great idea to make curtains for all my windows. Yourself? Make them yourself? No no no no no no but it was my was my conception of it I just can't sell. Right. But I did like, like I went on the internet and I got someone to tell me, like how to get a

wholesale account with like a window treatment hardware company that does you know, only sells to the trade or whatever. So I did that. And I ordered all this window hardware treatment stuff, and put all that together. And then I had this idea,'m gonna take like linen tablecloths, like white linen. I have a friend who's a textile dealer, you know, like a junk textile dealer. I bought all these beautiful linen tablecloths and I had the idea I'm gonna like Frankenstein these together and line them with drop cloths and make curtains out of them. And I took them all to my seamstress.

She said she didn't have a sewing machine heavy enough to go through the drop cloths. Oh. And I fucking fell into a tailspin. Of course. I've been fucked up over this for three years. I got all these boxes of shit. I can't figure out who else to bring it to. I brought some of them I finally thought I had it fixed I'm like I got this shit licked because I was driving to the park and I saw an upholstery place and I thought a Fucking upholstery guy can do this. Yeah, so I brought the shit to the upholstery guy

Didn't hear from him for like a month. Then I finally call him. He said you didn't call me I'm like, well, you're supposed to call me. That's how this works. He didn't call me. And I said, he said, okay, well I can do it now. And I'm like, okay, great. And then he put the curtain backwards from the, he lined the, he lined the drop cloths with linen instead of lining the linen with the drop cloths. Yeah, so now I got all these curtains that are fucking backwards and I had to give him $300 or something you know $200 I don't remember some stupid amount of money and now I still have the same like Costco bins full of textiles sitting on

my porch and I'm fucked I'm so so fucked. I'm so emotionally trapped. So you refuse to get rid of the curtains because you've got money on them. What am I gonna do? I don't wanna just throw them away. I know. I have the same feeling. That's why I try not to get anything

because I- There you go, see? Once I have to throw it away, I'm like, where does this go? Is it going in the ocean? All right, I'll just keep it till I die and then my son can put it in the ocean. Beautiful antique tablecloths.

I don't know what to do. I don't know either. Maybe just leave your house. Just run away. Sure. I think I should just burn down my house. Go to the woods. I should burn down my house and dig

a hole in the woods to live in. Well, somebody else might want those curtains. And that person might move in and start squatting in your house. That's a really good idea. Somebody might want them and they might want to squat in my house, Jordan. Sure. Yeah.

I mean, good squatters are hard to find. I'm happy to solve any problems that you guys have. Will you guys help me dig the hole? No, no, no. No. It's your hole, buddy. Okay. Dig your own hole.

It's what my dad always said before he disappeared into that hole. Laurie, I think people would probably love to hear what it's like to write for the Academy Awards, which is something you did recently. It was super fun. Yeah, cool. Hell yeah. It was great, too. Conan hosted it.

He was really funny. It was like a super funny Oscars where everything was great and fun and not weird. Crushed. Yeah, it was great. You know, what was a cool idea about having Conan host the Oscars? It was like what if we had a funny person host the Oscars and make funny jokes, right? Wild, wild idea. Yeah. Yeah.

I didn't realize, like I was just working on a monologue, you know, and so I wasn't aware of all the little pieces of the show until the dress rehearsal. And I then, you know, he had a bit with Adam Sandler. He had a song and a dance and a choreography and, you know, dancers with him, though, like from Taylor Swift's tour. Wow. And he had to learn all that. and dancers with him from Taylor Swift's tour. And he had to learn all that. And then he had that foreign language bit

where he had to learn phonetic Mandarin and phonetic Spanish and Hindu. Hindi, Hindu. Anyway, it was so much. I was just only focused on my jokes and I'm only thinking about my jokes. And it was just wild to see how much he had on his plate, especially for the monologue. He had so many different

elements at the monologue. He had the jokes and the Adam Sandler thing and the dance and the song and then he sort of had a little heartfelt moment where he talked about what LA had been through. It was really incredible. Had you had jobs where you have to write a thousand monologue jokes since the Conan show ended, like in between, or was this like three years later or whatever it is, and you had to start, rebuild the skill of opening a newspaper and writing 10,000 jokes about every word that you said.

A news what? Yeah, whatever it is. Sorry, I don't know what you're talking about. The trades, sorry, I'm talking about the trades in this case. Yeah, I just, it was so, I have to tell you, it was so, all of us, we hadn't, most of us hadn't, it's just, there's no jobs right now, you know? Right. And you, I should mention, you were a monologue writer on the Conan Show.

Yeah, for like 11 years. For years. And a big part of the staff for the Oscars was folks who had worked on that show, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we got to reunite, a lot of us. And we just were so happy to be working together and, you know, pitching jokes every day and just it was so fun. It felt so great to get right back into it.

It didn't take long at all, you know, to get in the swing of it. Did you have, like when you went to dress rehearsals and stuff like that, did like, do you need to be like in a gown or something? Not for the rehearsals. We had to wear a formal dress for the Oscars. Okay. So I wore a tux because they provided tuxes. Oh, cool. They had lady tuxes too. Oh, awesome.

So it was kind of fun. But there was only, there was a rehearsal on Saturday and a second rehearsal on Sunday before the Oscars on Sunday afternoon or four o'clock. What was really wild to me was a lot of people at stand-ins, you know, and then Ariana Grande and Cynthia Erivo sang both times at rehearsals. I was like, whoa, I'm just, I didn't even, I thought Ariana Grande was her stand-in, and I was like, she looks so much like Ariana Grande. And then she started singing, I'm like,

yeah, she can sing, what a cool gig, this girl's gonna be working forever, because Ariana Grande's like, what, under 30 or something? And then I realized it was her, and it was so wild to be like 20 feet from them while they sang in an nearly empty theater for you know The few people that were hanging around for that rehearsal is like chilling I feel like it's really important to note that everyone in this room

I think has reached the point in their career in the world of entertainment Where they're not looking at Ariana Grande and thinking What a cool job it is to be Ariana Grande. We're looking at a person we believe to be Ariana Grande's professional stand in and thinking, oh my God, now there's a job. Yes, exactly. That's the gig. That's the dream. I think they were, Ariana and Cynthia were at one dress and then maybe not the second

one. You know who was at both of them was Margaret Qualley, who was a dancer in the, she was also in The Substance. She played the young Demi Moore in The Substance, but she was a dancer in the James Bond tribute and she was there, she was like on it for both rehearsals. She was great. That was really surprising too. That James Bond dance, I loved it so much. I loved that it was like, and I know you didn't write the dance, Laurie. I'm not complimenting you. The idea to dance your way through James Bond's history. So brilliant.

She wrote, whoomp, there it is, which is what they danced to. Sure, yes. That is a classic Bond theme. Yes, yeah. The opening to Die Another Day. Whoop, there it is. But I loved what a just a like down the middle

kind of corny's ass Oscars thing that was. Like let's dance our way through the history of James Bond. Cool, and show clips, awesome. But also what was funny to us, because when I saw it, it was really cool, right? But when we heard about it, it was like, they just did a James Bond tribute like three years ago. Sure. It's like we're doing another one. It's not like an anniversary on the fives or the zeros.

Right. It was like the 53rd. I was like, why? I think it was Amazon just bought it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's a tribute to Amazon buying some IP. Yeah, exactly. And then the song seemed like the least interesting. We just know that done it done on it like that's all you need to know right and so It just seemed kind of kind of lame when I heard it and then when I saw what they came up with I was Like oh, this is crazy good. This is really great. Did you write any jokes for the Oscars that? Didn't or couldn't go on the Oscars. Oh a ton. I wish that Not that you would not in the sense that you are complaining that they didn't go on the Oscars that you wish that... Not in the sense that you are complaining that they didn't go on the Oscars because you are a professional, but rather in the sense that you'd like to share them with us

now so that we hear about them. No, I don't have any to share with you now. But I will say that I leaned... I went all in on the Pope dying. We had to do a conclave joke. And it's like, the one we had is great. It was Skyler Higley's. It was the one about the, it's something, it's like a movie about the Catholic Church, but don't worry. It's not, you know, it's not weird or something like that. Right. And that I was like, well, if the Pope dies, then that joke's out. And I want to be ready. And I figured... Because he was 88 on a ventilator. Who comes off a

ventilator at 88? The freaking Pope does. Yeah. So liberation theologians, dude. Liberated from that. Was there like party stuff afterwards? Or are you like, I just worked for, you know, 16 straight fucking hours, I wanna go home. The governor's ball was afterwards and I brought my son as my plus one. So he sat in the, I don't know. And your son's a huge fan of governors, right?

Your son's a big governor nerd. Yes, yes. He's a Pete Wilson guy, isn't that correct? A lot of great governors out there. He's got all the trading cards. He loves Jerry Brown. So everyone had a plus one, and I'm the only one that brought my child, and everyone else brought their spouses, mostly wives and husbands.

So my son, do you know Dan Cronin? Rings a bell. He's a comic and a comedy writer. He was one of the writers. So my son went with his wife and they sent us a picture and they look like they're going to prom. That was so great. Dan's like, my wife has another son, man.

And brought a corsage. It's over for me. So cute. So he sat with all them. And then we all went to the governor's Ball afterwards, which is just upstairs. The Oscar's are at the Dolby. Yeah, so you go up five flights and the Governor's Ball is there. And my son's a huge anime fan and he wants to be an animator.

And so, and he was obsessed with Flow way before anyone heard of it. And he made me obsessed with Flow and I was the big Flow head and I kept pushing Flow and everyone's like, you know, probably inside, inside, wait. Lewin Davis. What? Inside Lewin Davis. Yes. Inside the actor's studio? No, inside out too, right?

And Wallace and Grandma and Wild Robot. Yeah, Flow was an upset. It was. Or a surprise. Yeah, yeah. an upset, or for a surprise. Yeah, yeah. Not upsetting, but surprising. There's some upsetting stuff in there. I haven't seen it yet.

I gotta see Flo. It's pretty great. I know, Flo is one of those things, as a noted cat weirdo, people have been telling me about Flo for about a year. Jordan, it's got a fucking catby bar in it, so imagine my life. I gotta do it.

I gotta do Flo. Guys, it's really great. And so one of the, like there were five animators that won the Oscar for Flow. So one of them was really tall with Jordan-like hair, with kind of crazy hair, right? So- Did he go swimming without a cap too?

I have no idea. It's from Latvia, possibly. I mean, they're freezing it, right? Yeah, you can't get a cap on those And I was told by another writer. Oh, we ran into them and they're here in the governor's hall So I was just on the lookout for a big guy with crazy hair And we and we went to a couple up to a couple of the wrong guys. You're like out of the way shorts And then we found him and we started following him around, and he kept doing all these twists and turns.

And my son's like, it's OK. And I'm like, no. And so we got up. I poked him on the back, and I said, hey, hello. And so he met my son. I took a picture of my son. He let my son hold his Oscar. Cool.

And my son's like, ugh. He's still vibrating from all that. So that was a really cool mom moment to provide. And then we were near Coleman Domingo several times. Coleman Domingo of Sing Sing, incredible. He was surrounded by people. So you'd have to be like a real asshole to like burst into a circle.

So we just didn't. I just like, was there's Coleman. And then I turned around another time and he was near me. And I thought, well, you know what? He's just my guardian angel tonight. Our college friend Nathaniel's mother was an animation director. Oh, wow.

And he got to go as a teenager to the Emmys. And I remember just the look of the stars in his eyes, even when we were 21 years old, talking about. He's like, I saw Aretha Franklin sing at the M. Like totally life changing. You got to do a really cool thing like that for your kid. Yeah, and I told him, I go, you don't know who a lot of these people are, and you're going to realize later, you saw Mick Jagger live.

You saw you were seated above Oprah Winfrey And it doesn't mean anything. It's he doesn't know who the Rolling Stones are I'm sure I'll find out as an anime fan. He would have been impressed if you could introduce him to Pikachu Yes, or she she she she that's his favorite band. It's a Japanese band, but yeah, he has very Specific interests that are not movie related, unless they're animations. So he's very into that. Have you watched anime stuff with him? Are you trying to get into it?

Yeah, I watched a lot with him. We just finished watching Orb. Okay. Have you heard of it? I have heard Orb's good. I'm a very occasional anime person. I need it recommended to me 10 times before I try it. But I've heard Orb is great.

Orb is great. There's this one called Blue Lock that we watched a couple times. It's basically a competitive soccer anime where the best soccer players in Japan try to play each other to be the best striker and they have a psycho coach. Are they fictional best soccer players or is this like when Ken Griffey Jr. and Bo Jackson had their own cartoons? Oh, yeah, sure. What were they called?

What was that cartoon called? All Stars. All Stars. All Stars. Oh, wow. I missed it. Yeah, Wayne Gretzky in that, I believe. Michael Jordan, maybe.

Charles Barkley. All the best. Jesse, is your kid still anime focused or yeah Anime has faded a little bit recently in favor of Dungeons and Dragons I've been I've been on the receiving end of a lot of Dungeons and Dragons Content okay, I've expected to participate in a Dungeons and Dragons game. Oh, okay that involves somehow their Jesse are you are you are you are you hearing that? That's our listeners creaming their genes You hear that squishing sound it's fucking jeans. No, I think that squish was a gelatinous cube

Yes, I guess I'm gonna end up but I watched some of What's the fucking one where? Everybody is like there's like all these different guys and they all have a weird superpower That's most of them. Yeah, but he's guy has his own special superpower It's a special weird special superpower. Jujutsu Kaisen. They're all different fighters and they each have their own fighting power. This is all of them.

Yeah, that is a lot of them. Yeah. Have you heard of Attack on Titan? Yeah, I've heard of Attack on Titan. That's one of the most famous ones. I tried Attack on Titan and like noped out at a certain point when there were a couple of episodes that were just a military trial. Oh yeah. But I really liked a lot of the stuff.

I like, I bounced at a certain point, but it's really, really cool. We've talked about it on the show before, to see people fighting these kind of naked giants. Yeah, it's grotesque. Yes. But once you can get over that, it's really great. It's so many allegories to Nazi Germany

and different groups being segregated. And then they make you flip your sympathies. Pretty soon you're writing for the giant naked. You're rooting for the giant naked guys? You're pro giant. Well, once they give you the- I was always rooting for them because I wanted to get a peek at the old-

They look like naked babies and they don't have genitals, sorry, Jesse. But yeah, they flip the. Anime sucks! The point of view from season two to three, I think. And you're like, no, no, no, I hate this guy. And then you find out the backstory and you're like, oh, okay, I get it.

I get it. I feel like the animes that my child has shown me have taken the form of a list of things more than anything else. They're not the narratives maybe is that the things fight each other at some point but mostly it's it's sort of Pokemon like in that it's just a list of characters and their qualities and each one of the characters is neat looking. Oh, yeah. That is the main thing I would say

that the shows I've seen have going for them is that I can understand the appeal of there being 200 different guys, each of whom looks different and neat. But they will take an entire episode just describing things, just like showing you characteristics of the things, and you feel a little bit like you're watching Wild America. I know I got very into Jujutsu Kaisen, which is a guy's with powers who fight each other, and there are a couple episodes just devoted to them explaining

what power beats what power, and I'm like, oh, if I was 12, this would be all I cared about. Yeah, right. What power beat what power. Yeah, yeah. So yeah, I get it. I watched a little bit on YouTube the other day. I went when my mother moved to Richmond, California from San Francisco a year or so ago. I went- She lives in Richmond now? She lives in Richmond now. And I went to her basement and pulled some shit out of her basement to not sell. And one of them was I had this sort of big vase

full of little toys that I had had since childhood, like little ding-dongs and what's-its, little toy cars, things like that. And in there were all of my muscle men. Yeah, muscle men. Laurie, you're probably not quite in the target. Neither you nor your son. This will fall in between your target demographics. Right, I already sense it.

They were these collectible figurines that were sort of rubbery and were three inches tall, let's say, and each of them was a weird fantastical professional wrestler. They mostly were pink, although if you were really fucking cool, you had some of the neon color in one. Oh yeah. And if mom's not looking, you could chew on them. Yeah. You could chew on them. Sure. You could chew on them. Sure. Muscles stand for millions of unusual small creatures lurking everywhere.

And the real fucking, just the absolute dream was to be like my babysitter Darius de Belgedere, who had the poster that showed every muscle in its name. That was the fucking dream, because they came in little packs of like four or five. Anyway, turns out muscle men- I've been given so much information right now that my brain's exploding. Darius what?

Darius de Belgedere. That's an incredible name. I know, that's why I said his whole name. I understand. I don't know, does Darius de Belgedere listen to the show? Probably not, but you know what? My friend from high school, John King does, and I think he's friends with Darius de Belgedere listen to the show? Probably not. But you know what? My friend from high school, John King, does. And I think he's friends with Darius de Belgedere.

Oh, there he goes. He can relay the message. Probably will relay the message. Name is cool. But I found out that Muscles were Japanese and were based on a Japanese professional wrestling anime where all the fucking Muscles fought each other Japanese professional wrestling anime where all the all the fucking muscles fought each other in professional wrestling matches so I watched some of the professional wrestling on YouTube was in Japanese so it didn't mean anything to me but I liked seeing them come to life. It is yeah. Jesse's like, you're like that's my contribution to anime. Yeah. Did you collect anything as a kid, Lori?

Did you have a little kid collection? Or have you always been anti-stuff? I don't remember that I collected anything. I mean, I had, of course, a David Lee Roth poster, of course. I did have a Chrissy Hynde pretender's poster. I collected gold medals when I swam. Yeah, that's right. What was your event?

You know, when I was like a kid in rec, it was 50 breaststroke and 100 IM. And then I went AU, and it was longer distances, and everything kind of fell apart. What does IM stand for? Individual medley, fly back breast free. So 100 IM is like one lap of each stroke. And then if you watch the Olympics, you'll see the longest one is a 400 IM, which is

two laps, two Olympic laps of each stroke. It's really brutal. What's your top stroke? Breaststroke. It's the toughest one. Classic stroke. It's the toughest one. I think fly is tougher. You think breaststroke is? Oh, nevermind. Yeah, you're right. Yeah, you're right Every this is like I saw I Laurie and I see each other occasionally at the pool I'm I'm part of this like class now. You're on a master's team on a master. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah sure You know, I don't like to say it because then people assume I'm good and then they asked me to swim and I disappoint them

Do you compete you do me? I've done it a couple of times. I'm not Competitive so I'm not competitive, so I'm there for the friendship and the good vibes. I don't win, but it's fun to do sometimes because it's nice. Nice to be around all your little swim friends eating apples, chopping it up. Sure.

But the- Is that our swim food? Apples? It's just something that's there at the meets. They have just group bars, apples. My mom packs me a lunch Cheese and yeah, thanks. Yeah. Yeah, thanks. Go kill us a chop an apple, but you know like with that class. There's just like There's swim specific jokes kill and the coach can always get a laugh going like alright everybody everybody's favorite

400 I am I always get a laugh going like, all right everybody, everybody's favorite, 400 IM. Everyone's like, ah, that's not our favorite, it's hard. Like I love it when just a like specific joke can kill with that crowd. Oh sure, yeah. Anyway, it's always kind of a delight. Was it always swimming? Was there ever another pursuit?

Yeah, it was pretty much swimming, yeah. And then I- No horse period. I did not. I could see you riding a horse. Only in the pool, like one of those diving horses from a circus in the 30s. I just watched the Christopher Reeve documentary and that will keep you off a horse gang. Oh, I don't know because my wife's childhood best friend, had that happen to her, she was thrown from a horse and came

very close to being killed. She was like a trail guide. So she would ride with, you know, people that were not experienced horse riders. Right. And she got thrown by a horse that got spooked by another horse that was being ridden by a person that didn't know how to ride a horse or whatever. Oh. And very nearly died. Equine therapist now. Equine therapist. Got a master's degree in horse riding. So she's a therapist for horses or for people who fall off? She's a therapist for neurotic horses.

Really? No, she's a therapist for people who have emotional challenges that need a therapist but do it on horses. Riding and caring for the horses is part of the therapy process. Nice. Did she wear a helmet? Was she wearing a helmet when she was drunk? I believe she was wearing a helmet, yeah. A similar thing happened to me.

I almost choked on a buffalo wing and now I'm an appetizer therapist. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorn, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goh. I am Jesse Thorn, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. We're also supported this week by our friends at Factor, who make delicious meals and send them to you right there at your house or your workplace.

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first box plus free shipping. The code is factor podcast at factor meals.com slash factor podcast to get 50% off plus free shipping on your first box. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan. Jesse go. Jesse Goh. It's Short and Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Laurie Kilmartin, mother for, I don't know, four or more months. And then my son graduated from high school. And then you're just going to... Absolutely. Out of here. Yeah. Dust off your hands. Have fun at community college. Yeah. He'll be fine.

Sure. I won't have to answer any more questions. Yeah. Your child is going to college locally. Your child's not leaving your home ever. I know. Are any of our children? It's so expensive. Al Madrigal, our friend, friend of Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm sure friend of yours, Lori. I love Al Madrigal. I haven't seen him in a long time, but he's great. San Francisco legend, Al Madrigal, graduate of St. Ignatius Preparatory Academy. Wow. Al called me the other day. Actually, I called Al for some help. I wanted to talk to him

about George Lopez because George Lopez was coming on Bullseye. And Al was on the TV show with George Lopez. Did you need a strategy? I just needed to know more about what George Lopez's deal was. He's got a lot of deal, as it turns out. I spoke to him. Everyone listen to or watch my interview with George Lopez, because there's a lot of deal with George Lopez.

Overflowing with deal. Anyway, so Al and his wife, Kristen, were in Big Sur or something. And Al starts telling me, oh yeah, it's great. My kids are at college, so we're in fucking Big Sur, Jesse. And I'm like, oh, that sounds great. And then he goes like, hey man, how old is Gracie? I'm like, oh, she's 13.

He's like, oh, that's not very long. How old's your youngest? And I'm like, eight. And he goes, so 10 years, you got 10 years, buddy. And I was like, Al, your wife is our children's educational therapist, was our children's educational therapist. Like with what's going on in my house,

I was like, I got 50 50 with each of the three, which means that at best I have a 12 and a half percent chance. If I'm doing the math correctly, that's a 12 and a half percent chance that I will ever be able to go to Big Sur. Laurie, do you have post mom shit you're looking forward to? Well, yeah, I mean, it's weird. Just like yesterday, my son went to the movies. He saw two movies back to back and I was like alone in the house. Cool. And I was like-

To both of it, two movies back to back and being alone in the house? Both of those are really cool. I know. Both of those are great. I did not know what to do with myself. I've so reoriented myself to make sure he's okay. Right. That when I won't have to do that, I keep thinking I'll be so great, but I actually feel quite lost. And I'm like, I need to come up with a new personality or a new way to maybe you should go into show business. Maybe I'll start doing stand

up comedy. I mean, like of all the parents I know, right, you were on the road, you were doing stand-up, and you had a day job, and you were building taking care of your kid into all of that. Like that is such an easy opportunity to lose track of who you are. Yeah, I really have. It's true. Like I do have a fantasy of living in Europe for a year and just doing standup there. And just, if I could pay, like, just cover my bases, you know, just pay my rent or whatever it was and just take a train to different places. There's tons of English speaking standup in like France. And so

for a while, our friend Rob Beticker of the San Francisco sketch comedy group Casper Hauser, total, total comedy genius, was living in Mexico City, because he and another one of the Casper Hauser guys are those like high powered corporate trainers that like teach executives to do improv and stuff. That's my understanding of it. I know that he is a very successful professional

and he seems to do improv. So between those two, that's how I understand it. Oh, wow. But he was working in Mexico City and he texted me one day, he's like, hey man, guess what I'm doing? And I'm like, what? He's like, I've been doing standup in Spanish.

And I'm like, this is what we need to do. He's like, my Spanish isn't very good. But he's like, but it's great because they love dumb Americans. That's awesome. Fun comedy persona. I know. I love that.

Yeah, that sounds great. We got to blow this pop stand. I'm moving to Mexico City and becoming a dumb American. You know, I watch. Time to eat a gun. Nom, nom, nom. Exactly. Oh, why come here from eating too much gun?

I watch HGTV a lot when I'm on the road and House Hunters International. Like in a hotel before the gig? Yes or after the gig or all day long. It's just such a treat. During the gig? Yes. On the flight? I'm obsessed with all these Americans we meet at places and their demands are ridiculous.

And it's like, you girl, you're in the Netherlands. You're not getting a master bath and a 2000 square foot apartment. This is not happening. You know, it's so funny how they just want exactly what they have back here. You're gonna have to go to Denmark for that. Yeah, you're gonna have to adjust and downscale or something scale if you leave. Yeah, I'd love to be a dumb American stand up comedian Jordan. Yeah. We could be a dumb American comedy team like the Smothers Brothers only we're both dumb. Sure. Yeah,

but we're both dumb and we're both American. Yeah. Oh, I don't need the health care. I got this gun. I love John Wayne. Sure. I guess. I don't know. John Wayne. Hamburger. My name is Hamburger Jones. What's your guy called? Hamburger Jones. No, no, no. It's not my friend's name, it's my name. People will come to see you and think they're seeing you. The two Hamburger Joneses. Then they'll be happy because they're getting both of us. Yeah, I hope so. And a little Olaf. I'm bringing Olaf everywhere.

Oh yeah, oh man, I think I'm replaced. It's going to be Jesse and Olaf. He's going to need a visa. That's the comedy duo. Yes. Oh, more kissing. Oh no. Oh man.

One more kiss and that can't go to Goodwill. Sure. Okay. It's staying at the house. Too filthy. Too filthy for Goodwill. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call at 206-984-4-FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgo at maximumfun.org. Here's a momentous occasion from one of our several listeners. Here's a momentous occasion from one of our several listeners. Hi Jordan, Jesse, and guest. My name is Joe and I've just had a momentous occasion. I just got done with my first round of treatment of laser hair removal on my butt. I was pretty nervous about it, but it went really well.

Love the show. Love you guys. Take care. Thank you, Joe. Thank you so much for calling. I feel like they can do a lot of stuff with lasers these days. Yeah, apparently you can de-hair a butt. I had no idea. I thought we were going with chemo and I was all, I was, my heart was open.

And then I heard laser hair butt and then my heart closed. To really? But I'm happy for Joe and I hope his... Why do you hate the hairless, Lori? That's a good point We're a competitive swimmer Hairlessness is your ideal state. That's true I just I guess to call in like of all the things that happened in his life, right?

All the things he could have called about Getting hair Lasered off his butt seems like that would be like number four on my list to call in to JJ. Go. What's number one through three? I'll hair off my nipples. Yeah, sure. That's a good call.

That's a good call. We can really numb down on that. I'm thinking about doing some eyebrow tending. You are? Yeah, because when I had a barber, you remember my barber Jerry, when Jerry was my barber, Jerry would tend to my eyebrows. He'd say, eyebrows, Jess? And I'd be like, yes, please, Jerry.

And he'd go, and he'd do all my eyebrowing. Nice. But these days, I don't go to the barber anymore. I just shaved my head with an electric razor. So when I shave my head with an electric razor. So when I shave my head with an electric razor, I have to deal with the eyebrows. And I do like dealing with the eyebrows. I like to brush them up and then snip along them and all that kind of stuff. But they're starting to thicken. I'm starting to get old man thickness here.

Right. And I'm like... You're not down with the thickness. I'm thinking maybe I should go to a place where they shape your brow. I don't want to like an arched brow. I feel like there's got to be a place that could leave me with a tasteful but mask brow, right? I don't, yeah, I don't know what, having just the brow done will set you back.

Or if, yeah, my hair journey, yeah, at this point in my life. It feels like it stopped several years ago. Yeah, I'm not doing, I'm actually not gonna pay attention to it. Maybe I should just do its own thing. Should I just get laser brow removal? Oh yeah, on, just get rid of the brow.

So you would have no eyebrows whatsoever. So I'd have no eyebrows. Interesting. And then I could draw whatever I wanted. It would probably be like a Violent J type thing. Sure. Or you just have no brows and you could be very fast in the pool, all that much faster in the pool.

Ooh, that's a good point. I bet you would be fast in the pool. You're, you know, you're tall, you're lean, hairless, sleek. You'd do great. I am all those things. I'm very athletic. Sure, that too. More about form, Jesse.

It's more about form, having good form. It really is. Yeah, sure. I was raised to just do yardage, just to swim till your shoulders break. And then to realize this more like yoga, and just concentrating on your stroke drills and stuff like that was really world changing for me.

I do concentrate on my stroke drills. What are you talking about, like Jackanoff? In this case, I'm talking about like Jackanoff. Yeah, yeah. Because I'm talking about stroke drills. Don't I'm just talking abouting off. Yeah, yeah. Talking about stroke drills. I'm just talking about stroke drills. He tried to not make it jacking off and then he gave in. He caved to his darker desires. Yeah, so I've done my stroke drills. Yeah, a good stroke drill used to do it with a cupped hand so there's more resistance. Anyway, closed fist

to get a little more resistance. It teaches you more follow through. Anyway, thank you closed fist Follow through uh-huh. Anyway, these are fun jokes about swimming and jacking off Thank you. I always use I always use a kickboard there. Yes Yes, that is also one of these and it's also good All the jokes are good. Yeah, it's a good show. Nothing's bad, especially the show. Your hair journey, Jordan. Oh yes, I have not yet learned, this beard is kind of a recent development. I don't know, it's probably two years now. I'm calling, it feels recent, but I- It's a fun beard though.

Thank you, I like the beard a lot. I'm having a lot of fun with the beard, beard good. Don't like stoned guys in the grocery store coming up to me and asking me if I'm Zach Galifianakis. Yeah. Okay. But that's the one part of it I don't love. Everything else, lots of fun. Have you ever claimed to be Zach? I mean, if it wasn't a stoned guy, say it was an interested woman. You know, that has not happened. It is always a stoned guy or there's a lot of like older Gen X guys who come up to me and ask me if I'm Zach Galifianakis leading me to believe that is the last celebrity that

they clocked. Like these are people who like do not know. You do have to tune out at some point. Yeah. These people don't know who Timothee Chalamet is. They don't know who any of the rap boys are. Yeah. They like paid attention to Zach Galifianakis and they're like, I'm out

That's the last celebrity I know and I think I see him here at the Stater Brothers I mean, I'll say this for Zach Galifianakis better than Jack Osborne Yeah, that's what I got before I had a beard and was younger. I got Jack Osborne. Oh, yeah So, you know am I that's about being compared to any of these people or Having it yelled at me on the street. I'm not but Zach Alvin a kiss good guy good celebrity Yeah, and I think people are coming up to me cut a cutie and a cutie Absolutely, and because they like him and I need to tell myself that I'm like these people like him and they're excited because they think He's here. This isn't them

Slamming me and you are like are fucking great in the fucking Hangover. Well, yeah. And you know, some of my recent voiceover work has been very good too, like that Bigfoot one. That's one of my films that I know the name of. Missing Link? Missing Link. Zach actually was, Conan did some Largo shows to rehearse jokes and

yeah and Zach was on one of them he was hilarious he's great great he's so funny fucking hilarious that's why he became so successful is because of how fucking funny he is funny as shit yep but I've had this beard I haven't like learned how to like trim it myself I've been like trying I can't really do it but I've been like having it done professionally. Oh really? Yeah. And so I, you know, have a beard guy that I like to go to.

Beardologist? A beardologist. But I, I for some reason had it in my head that I had to get a haircut too. So every time the beard got too long, I would also just get a haircut I kind of didn't want. But then I'm like, oh, you can just get the beard you say Beard cleanup. Yeah, do that. Anyway, are you tempted to let it grow? Like what happens when it keeps growing? Does it grow down? Does it grow out? It grows out. Okay. Yeah, I don't want to look like I'm not

How I look now might might not support what I'm saying, but I don't want to look crazy I don't want to look does not support. I don't want to look kooky. Yeah, like Kaczynski or something. Yeah, yeah. I'm not like looking for attention with it, you know. It's got a lot of flavor and charm, even in a relatively conservative style. Sure. I want to just look like a normal man who's maybe a little more masculine than he is

without the beard. That's the idea. But so yeah, I'm trying not to let it get too long. I don't want to look like a kook. I feel like I would have to go to a place that says threading on the window. I looked at a picture of threading where they go, yeah, I don't know. I don't know. They're not going to shave my brow. I think they're going to be pretty tempted because you don't have crazy brows. So they're going to want to put in some work and they might get a little overexcited. That's what I'm concerned about.

But were you to go to his beard guy, right? That's someone who knows how to cater it. The thing is I'm starting to get hairs that are eyebrow hairs and I'm like, how did they get all the way over here at the corner of my eye? You know what I mean? And like the most egregious amongst those, I can handle myself, certainly. I feel like I want an expert, but that's my concern.

I'm worried that I'm going to come out of there looking like a Kardashian. Well, you know, I mean, they'll grow back. Yeah, they'll grow back. They'll grow back. And I mean, that BBL looks great on you. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Let's take another call. Beautiful, juicy ass.

Hi, Jordan. Hi, Jesse. Hi, illustrious guests. This is Patrick, calling from Pittsburgh. I was doing my weekly or bi-weekly grocery shopping in the suburbs outside of Pittsburgh today and I came back to load my groceries into the back of my car and the car parked next to me not only had the keep honking I'm listening to Jordan Jesse Joe bumper sticker on it but it also had magnets representing my favorite brewery in the Pittsburgh area that unfortunately

closed last year. So I believe that this person has stolen my identity and taken out a car loan to get a car in my name and I just don't know what to do next though. Let's hope you can help. Thanks. I mean, talk to the person. This is the thing. Yeah. Patrick, thanks for calling us.

Sure. This is indicative of why our show is at where it's at. It's because it's everyone's little secret, and they don't want to tell anybody or talk to anyone about it. Even someone who bought a bumper sticker. Somebody has your two top interests are bumper stickers on their car. That's stunning. That's pretty good. I say wait around for that person to come out because that's possibly a friend or a partner. Yeah, that's what I think too. Is he still there?

Or is this from, was this called in earlier? I think it was from like a week ago. Oh no. The number of times I've had someone come up to me and say, you know, I'm a big Jordan Jesse Gold fan. Oh, that's really nice of you to say. And then they say, well, the number of times I've had someone say that to me over the 12 years we've been doing this. What would you say about 12? I think more than that. Anyway, maybe even 16 and 12 years. And two of them were Stephen at the job interview. Yeah, that's correct. We had a

call back. We like, they'll say to me like, oh, I'm a big Jordan, Jesse, go fan. They'll be like, you know, the other day, I was at the grocery store, and I saw a guy in a Jordan, Jesse, go t shirt. And I thought about talking to them, but I decided not to. What are you talking about? No one else likes our show. If you see someone else that likes our show If you're listening to this you're the guy whose car that guy saw Find him in Pittsburgh. That's cruel that we have two fans in Pittsburgh We had to get our ass over to Pittsburgh, huh? You think that if I see a guy in a fucking adventure zone t-shirt I don't tell him that I'm friends with the McElroy Brothers? You gotta tell him. You gotta tell him. Just tell him.

Do you run into Jackie and Lori fans in the wild? No, no. Okay. Not even in... You stand up comics love your show. At comedy clubs. At comedy clubs. That's what I was gonna say.

Yeah. Yeah. Not at the Kroger. No, no, not at the Kroger. Not yet. No, they'll come to see shows and stuff like that. That's a good place to run into somebody who come to see shows and stuff like that. But in a while, no. That's a good place to run into somebody

who listens to the show. It's perfect, yeah. If someone does see me in a Trader Joe's, please just pass by. Please, stranger. Sure. Our mutual friend and Max Funn colleague, Benjamin Harrison, is such a big Jackie and Lori show fan

that he will text me about different stuff he heard. Because he knows that I listen to Jackie and Lori. Yeah, if he won Jackie and Lori. If he will text me. We say nothing worth texting. Jackie and Lori were being so funny talking about blah blah blah. Such an interesting conversation about blah blah blah. And I'm like yeah thanks for letting me know. As soon as we finish it leaves our heads. We don't know what we said and we hope it turned out okay. Yeah it it's fine. Yeah. Yeah, it's a good show Thank you. This is a good show all podcasts are good. All podcasts are good. Yeah, especially the ones that we all do Yeah, Steven are you recording this podcast?

Shit no You are yes. Oh great. Then we know it's a good podcast. Sure because it's being recorded and it's getting listened to. Are we talking? hard to say because it's being recorded and it's getting listened to. Are we talking? Hard to say. But think it through. No, I see your mouth moving, so I think you are. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, so it's a good podcast.

So it's good. Yeah. Yeah, so it's worth talking. It's being recorded. It's worth listening to. Yeah, so everybody likes it. That's why that bumper sticker is on that one car that the guy wouldn't talk to the guy in the car.

Sure. So OK. So did we come up with a solution for him? Yeah, the solution is go back in fucking time and say, I love Jordan Jesse Goh, here's my phone number, let's go to a microbrewery. You know what? You could just say, I'm sorry I hit your car, leave your phone number, the guy will call you.

And then you force him into a conversation. This was a little trick. It was a trick. And then I, but what you'll be glad to know is your car's okay. And now we're friends. Yeah. Maybe leave a note on his car that says, are you Zach Galifianakis from Hangover? Wow. Here's my number.

I'm in my late 40s. Do you need your butt lasered? Yeah. And do you need your butt lasered? And then everything we talked about will be in that one message. You ever had anything lasered, Jordan? No, I never have.

I had my, the connection between my semen and my penis lasers. Oh, fun. Yeah. The perinemia? No, there's a tube inside there that you get lasered when you don't want to have babies anymore. Oh, OK. They shoot it with a laser.

It makes the most horrifying smell. Is that area- I thought there was hair there. That's what you have. No, no. No, I do. I mean, I got a little bit of hair. I got a little bit of hair down there,

but only a standard amount, not an exact amount. Is the area the laser went in, is it hairless? Do you have a small hairless dot on your taint where the laser went in? That's a good question you wanna take a look at. That's a terrible question. I do. You can't terrible question. I do! You can't encourage him.

I did try and do some Mar Boddys ourselves work down there with a hand mirror. Check it out. I don't know. I'd be curious. If a laser went in there, it doesn't matter what it was for. It probably got some of the hair too. I don't know. Man just wanted to talk to me about public radio the whole time. Sure. Hold on. Okay. Let's do this. Stephen, get us a hand mirror. We're going to figure this out. My flesh is burning, sir.

We're going to come out. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. Hi, is this Kelly? Yes, this is Kelly. Hi, Kelly. This is Jesse Thorne, co-host of Jordan Jesse Goh. Hi, Jesse. I'm calling because you were just named Max Fund's Member of the Month for April. Oh, wow. This is so surreal. How long have you been a Jordan Jesse Go listener?

Probably eight years. I actually saw you guys at the Bell House in Brooklyn in 2019. Was seeing us the reason that you started listening to the show? No, I hadn't been listening for a while. Why did you end up becoming a member? It's really just been such a dependable source of laughter and joy and comfort. I just appreciated that and I didn't want to take it for granted. So I wanted to contribute and show my support because I don't want it to ever end. Kelly, thank you so much for talking with me and thank you so much for being a member of Max Fun.

Absolutely, it's my pleasure. Totally worth it. If you're a Max Fun member, you can become the next Max Fun member of the month. Support us at MaximoFun.org slash join. This season on the Adventure Zone, Abnibles. Get ready for a brand new crime fighting trio, here to protect the anthropomorphic muscular animal citizens of River City. Featuring Justin McElroy as Axolile,

the firefighting axolotl. Clint McElroy as Roger Mooer, the debonair cow of mystery. Griffin McElroy as Navy Seal, the raw seal that has never served in the armed forces. And Travis McElroy as every other swell critter in River City. This swear-free, Saturday morning cartoon-inspired story airs every Thursday on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts.

Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorn, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris,, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Laurie Kilmartin. I'm just another Laurie Kilmartin in your life. Laurie, how'd you like that Zotz you had in the break? So good. Isn't it?

It's very... I'm going to take a handful, a criminal amount as I leave. Hell yeah. Yeah. And eat them all on the way home. I love to crunch a Zotz. You're supposed to suck the Zotz because it's got a little hole in it and lets the fizzy stuff in the middle out Mm-hmm. If you crunch it you get all that fizzy stuff at once plus you get a crunchy blast of candy I did one of each. Oh

So I sucked the last one but the other one I chewed and I just it hit me That's why you gotta have to you have one to suck and one to chew Well, I'd like to have I need an even number so I can... So I don't have... You know, I can do it properly on the way home. So I'll need like 10 or 12. Are you going to do a compare and contrast essay? Possibly. Yes, I will. Yeah. Now that you brought it up. Yeah.

For the Substack. That's right. Lauren, did you get like an Oscars gift bag? Did you get like an iPad with Nickel Boys on the cover or something? We got a really cool jacket, which my son took immediately, and a baseball cap, which I have because I hid it. Everything I get that's a gift gets taken immediately. So it's all sort of jacket-y sort of stuff.

It's a great jacket. Yeah. Yeah. Working in TV, you get a lot of little jackets. Yeah. Blankets? You get a lot of blanks. I feel like I have a couple of different blankets from things I worked on.

I have, yeah, when I was, I went to New York right after the Oscars and I had my Conan laptop bag and my Oscar's hat and I was like this looks really obnoxious yeah having more than one crew gift in an ensemble yeah it's like we get it yeah I went on numerous tours with Hodgman where he just wore his daily show crew jacket the entire time and I was like yeah we get it John We saw you on television. You're on Love it. It was great. Yeah, I think one one piece is good I understand you being you could have gotten a used but if you have two pieces that's like, alright, you're in the industry We get it, right? I'm not in the industry

That's true. I'm barely in the podcasting Although from what I understand, we are recording this. So there you go. Still recording it, yeah. Great. So Stephen, print us up some crew jackets. Make them like Letterman jackets. Yes, yes, yes.

And we'll have a lot of fun. Are there year-end gifts for all the Max Funners that work here that are- We give out candy. We give everybody candy. Everybody gets candy. It's really tasty candy. Everybody gets candy. It's really tasty candy. But we have never like, we have closets full of stuff that we don't know what to do with. If that's the question, like if you need any t-shirts on the way out the door, let us know.

One of my favorite t-shirts was a JJ. I think it was, it was like a gray and it had a rocket on it. I got a long time ago. Oh, that's the classic Max Fun t-shirt. It was so comfortable. It lasted so long. Do you want a new one? I do. I'd like several. I think we have some. I think we still have some in the closet.

10 to 12. One for each candy I'm going to take as well. That would be great. Great. I love it. Well, Laurie Kilmartin is the host of the Jackie and Laurie show with our friend Jackie Cation. It is a hilarious look at the world of stand-up comedy

and the world outside stand-up comedy, I'm going to say 65 35. That's about right. 65 35. We try to keep it comedy based, but I don't see it. I guess we're funny sometimes, but a lot of times it's a lot of travel. Yeah, that's what I was about to say. I'm including things about like hotel soap. That's very important to me. And we do need to always have a 10 minute discussion on hotel amenities. Can I ask you a quick question? Are you going to Hilton or Marriott for your points? That's what I was going to ask.

You know what, I have not done a lot of, I haven't gone all in on a hotel, right? So I have Marriott and Hilton, but Maria Bamford and Jackie are so pro-Hilton that I think that's swaying me towards Hilton. I won't get a Hilton credit card. I'm a Hilton guy too. Are you really? Do you have a credit card? I'm a gold member.

No, I haven't done the credit card yet. Okay. Yeah, I won't do that because I just do airline credit cards. What do you get from the credit card? More points. Yeah, more points. More delicious points. Easy to stay.

Go to your membership. Sleep in a little bit. What I love is like a late checkout without having to pay. Yeah, that's nice. That's really important. Those like little dignity perks are really nice. Yes, I agree. And then free water.

You can't just call and ask for a late checkout? They charge you now. They know. Not everyone, but they'll charge you, like if you stay an extra hour, they'll charge you a little extra money. Even if you called? Yeah. When you call, that's when they charge you a little extra money. Even if you called? Yeah.

When you call, that's when they tell you. This is outrageous. It is outrageous. I need to get one of these credit cards. I know. You should listen to our podcast. You would know that. You would have heard my outrage from one time that happened. All I've been doing is eating these fucking cookies at the Marriott. Oh, yeah.

Now I know I got to get this credit card from the Hilton so I don't get charged to check out late. We all need to focus our lives on points. Yeah. Focus up, everyone. It's about the points now. It really is the most important thing. Nothing else is important. Right.

Just points. Just points. Our producer is Stephen Ray Morris. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on Instagram at Jordan David Morris and at Jesse Thorne, very famous. You can find us on Blue Sky.

Jordan Jesse Go. You can find us on Instagram at Jordan Jesse Go Pod. You can find us elsewhere on other shit using different combinations of letters and numbers. Right you are, friend. Right you are. This is a good podcast and good night. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan Jesse Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.