Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Best Episode Of All Time, with Cristela Alonzo

Episode Date: April 11, 2024

This week comedian Cristela Alonzo is back on JJGo to talk about cosmetic dentistry, WonderCons, and more! Also, Jordan got everyone a gift!Come to one of Cristela's stand up shows! Click here!Microdose Gummies deliver perfect, entry-level doses of THC that help you feel just the right amount of good. Get 30% off your first order, plus free shipping today at Microdose.com, promo code JJGO. It’s available nationwide.Head to www.FactorMeals.com/JJGO50 use code jjgo50 to get 50% off your first box plus 20% off your next box.If you’re in the LA area, come to Golden Apple Comics on April 14th from 12pm-2pm. Jordan is signing a new Archie comic and also friends of the show Elliot Kalan, Casey Gilly, and Amy Chase will also be signing stuff! Come through!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. I was on the freeway today, Jordan. And I feel like the signature experience of living-

The LA freeway? Check, please. Thank you. No, thanks. Check, pleaseway? Check please. Thank you. No thanks, check please. I'll try a different restaurant. Yeah, yeah. That doesn't have freeways in it. Yeah, on second thought,

I'll have some gum in my pockets. Check please. First of all, Jordan, that is already been chewed gum. It's disgusting that you just put that in your pocket. I'd rather have this disgusting gum than get on an LA freeway. So what else is going on? I'll have what he's having. If he's having what I'm having, check please.

Wait, hold on. Is this the best episode we've ever done? Is it already the best episode? It is. I can feel it, right? I can feel it. I'll tell you this. I just wanted to call it out. I'll tell you this, Jordan.

That happened. Oh, really? Really? So anyway, I was behind one of those Tesla SUVs that was like completely blacked out. Like every, you know, like matte black wrapper paint, like blacked out tail lights, blacked out headlights, like with, you know, just like little slits where you can see the light through it. Just all, all just completely murdered out big black wheels.

My gosh. And then the license plate said, V-E-N-E-E-R-Z. Veneers. Veneers. So this is some fuckin' hot shit cosmetic dentist? I guess. People can't know it's me.

You're fucking. Did he buy it secondhand from Jay-Z, but then got his own? Right, yeah, maybe. Jay-Z's like, I can't pay my bill this month. But. Just picturing this guy doing a power slide into the parking lot of the dentist office, where he works.

Yeah. You know, there's like, I mean, you know, maybe there's celebrity dentists, maybe there's a dental reality show that's been running for 20 seasons on TLC that we've never heard of. Like Dr. Pimple Popper, but for dentists. Yeah, right. We're like, oh, that's the most popular thing

in the entire world of entertainment? Yeah. All right. Sure. It's like Johnny Veneers. Yeah. And yeah, you've never heard of it, but there's a con for it. My main... Yeah.

My main association with the phrase cosmetic dentistry is, uh, it's not my own. Look, I got Invisalign some years ago when I joined the middle class, went ahead and gave a beautiful Korean dentist my... This man, so gorgeous, and they played this sort of like Montevani fake classical music in the office. Incredible experience.

Sounds like fun. Right, right here, but right here. If you ever need a, if you ever need an extraordinarily beautiful dentist, whose, his skin was just... You got a guy. I got a guy. Anyway, uh, what I associated with was when I was in middle school,

my friend Brendan Gitzel, his parents were getting divorced, which was really tough. Oh no, poor guy. And- It's not his fault. No, it wasn't his fault at all. Well, it was kind of his fault. He was kind of a brat, you know? They usually tell kids it's not their fault,

but sometimes it is. Yeah, sometimes it is. Hey, kids, are you listening to this podcast? Your parents will tell you it's not their fault. It might be. Yeah, think about, let me put it this way. Think about all the mistakes you made in your young life. Maybe get more Pokemon cards.

That's you. Yeah. And I just remember, I just remember him being at school one day and he was really sad. First of all, Brendan, I haven't seen Brendan Getzelsen since middle school. He's a good dude. So if you're out there. Call us. Nothing but love for you.

Call us. But I remember him coming to school one day, and he was feeling bad, and I said, what's going on? And he said, my dad accused my mom of spending all their money on cosmetic dentistry. Oh. Tale as old as time. Yeah. Cosm cosmetic dentistry. Oh. Tale as old as time. Yeah.

Cosmetic dentistry. Yeah. I guess if Dad comes home with a grill, we know where the college tuition went. You haven't lived till you've heard a sad 12-year-old use the phrase cosmetic dentistry. Poor guy. OK.

Let's introduce our guest, because she's one of our favorites. Yes. One of the great stand-up comics, and certainly one of the great Jordan, Jesse, Go guests, our friend, Cristela Alonso. What is going on, everybody? Oh, my God.

Look, best episode ever. Yeah, isn't it? I do agree. I do agree. You know what? It is! I was accepting it from the beginning. I'm like, right off the bat, it's like,

already, we've gone platinum. I haven't even been introduced, and we've gone platinum. I haven't even been introduced and we've gone platinum. I didn't even know podcasts could go platinum. Where are we going from here? I don't know. I don't know. Plutonia? Plutonia?

I don't know. It might be. Oh, it's so good to be here, you guys. Oh my God, right? Yes. I had to come here on the freeway. Oh boy. Ah!

Would I have to get on the freeway? I'm saying check please. I know, oh man. It's standing right behind me. My mom died in a car accident. Jessie, I'm sorry. What's wrong? What's wrong?

Oh man. We were kind of like, yeah, that really wasn't it. Yeah, no, no. So I hate the freeway. Yeah, but it's. Cause when I'm on the freeway, it reminds me of, I was in the car. I think I can pull thisway. Yeah, but it's... Because when I'm on the freeway, it reminds me of I was in the car. I think I can pull this out.

Wow, wow. Yeah, you know, it's not your fault. I'm Hunter Biden. Is that? Hold on. It's a real life tragedy. I think I can pull this out of the tailspin. I think I can pull this out of the tailspin.

I think I can do it. I think I can do it. Yeah. That's not a thing. Thank you, Jordan. Thanks. I got it, we're back! We're back.

Plutonium! Can I just say? We have become Death, yes. I mean, just from the get-go, I love that you mentioned Pokemon cards, and I love that you mentioned veneers. I have veneers. Oh, you have lovely teeth.

You have lovely teeth. But I didn't before. I didn't before. I'm sure they had their charms. You know what? My You have lovely teeth. But I didn't before. I didn't before. I'm sure they had their charms. You know what? My teeth had a personality. Kristal, shout out to personality teeth. I definitely had personality teeth as well.

They can also be described as lower middle class and below teeth. Yes. I had necessary dentistry only teeth, is how I would say it. Everybody's crossed a bear for the most part. I remember the number of times I remember my parents having a conversation with the dentist,

where they said, but what if we didn't do that? Yes. And the dentist would be like, well, you don't have to. Yes. Yeah. And then they'd be like, great, gotta go. You don't need teeth. What about Play-Doh?

Sure. You're like smoothies, huh? It is kind of weird to think that, you know, for most people, dentistry, if they can do it, it is necessary. But I took it next level. I'm like, let's want it. Let's do optional dentistry.

Optional dentistry. This is the kind of money I got. And they're looking great. Million dollar smile. Oh, man. That's how much they were worth. Am I right, ladies? Ladies know what she's talking about.

Ladies, it's ladies' night. Hey, everybody. Who's got optional teeth out there. You can't have it all. The house, the kids, the million dollar smile. And also, yes. Christella, before we went on microphone, you told us you don't do crowd work,

but you're giving away gems here. Yeah. This could be on your Instagram feed, right? You could be TikToking this how many ladies out here have been yours material. No, no, no live life. This could be on your Instagram feed, right? You could be TikToking this, how many ladies out here have the nearest material? No, no, no, no. You guys, I'm mining the gold because you're there with me. You know what I mean?

It's true. We're there with the little lanterns on our helmets. Absolutely. Trying to hit that vein. I'm the canary. If Jesse dies, everybody out of the mine. Also, I collect Pokemon cards. Really?

Yes. What's your favorite Pokemon card? Oh. Gotta be a hologram Squirtle, right? No, no, no, no. I wish. No, no, no. It's a baby of mine.

God, I want to say I can't even remember the name of it because it's worth so much that I decided not to put most attention to it. My favorite decks right now though are the Japanese 151s. I love those 151s. You've got the master hollow balls are worth a lot of money. I don't have a liquor license, so I have to use a Korean soju deck. But the 151 is powerful stuff.

No, honestly, you know, like look, the 151s powerful stuff. No, honestly, you know, like look, the 151s when they came out, they were, the prices are different now, but you know, if you see a little Charizard, I mean, the Holo, that's awesome. You know, I have that one, the Mew, you know what I mean, I got that, you know. I love-

But you don't have the hologram score at all, is that what I'm hearing? I know, I know. I guess ladies can't have the hologram Squirtle. Is that what I'm hearing? I know. I know. I guess ladies can't have it all. You guys, I had to pay for the veneer somehow. You had to choose. You had to sell the Squirtle.

Squirtle or? Cristela, to get Pokemon cards, are you going on eBay? Are you waiting in line? No. Or do you just grab a pack when you're at the shoe repair place? I just grab a pack. I grab a pack and I go ripping. Yeah.

It's Rip City. Rip City. It's Rip City, guys. Hello, Portland. Is it? Is that what Portland is? There was a time, and I know this because my children went through a Pokemon period during this time, in like,

I'm going to call this 2021. Something like that. Yes. 2022 maybe. Where you couldn't get Pokemon cards at the regular store because people were fighting over them. Yes, yes. It's people like me that are fighting over them.

Adult people that buy them to find the cards. You know, I know that I didn't say my favorite card. I will actually take a picture of my favorite card when I get home, and I will post it on my Instagram stories and send it to you guys, too. And we'll repost on all the Jordan, Jesse, Go social media. Because people are going crazy. What's your card? It's a fucking hologram squirtle.

No, I wish, but, you know, I get the cards from the basic, the Game Stops and everything. My favorite card is from a Game Stop, a random Game Stop that I got. And it was just, I pulled it, and I went into the- You ripped it and you pulled it. Hey, that's what she said. Hey!

Hey! You know, I pulled the card, and it was in the last deck that I had, the last booster, and I Googled it, and I was so surprised, because I'm like, no, it's not worth that much. And I was like, it's worth that much. It was worth that much? And I'm like, thank you GameStop.

Like, this is now a commercial for GameStop. We love them. We love them. Where else am I gonna buy three-year-old sports games? That's right. That's my main thing. Two is not cheap enough. Got to keep it under $10.

Got to keep it under $10. You know, interesting that we're talking about collectibles. Yes, love them. Today, I took a really fun trip to WonderCon in Anaheim. This is a smaller, more manageable Comic-Con. What are the highlights of a WonderCon? What are we looking at? William Shatner?

William Shatner's 97th birthday? No, it's like, gosh, what do we have at a WonderCon programming-wise? Like, you know, you won't get somebody from Buffy, but you'll get somebody from Angel. Okay. Ah, yes, yes! And I think things have not been,

like the guys with cardboard boxes filled with comics and Ziploc baggies filled with G.I. Joes have not been totally pushed out to the margin. Oh, I like that. Yeah, it's really, really fun. You can go and shop for comics and all the fun of the San Diego stuff if you don't care about an Apple TV activation where you can get your photo

with a digital version of the cast of Severance. WonderCon is kind of like where I can go and say, do you have a number one Spider-Man versus Wolverine? Yes, exactly. I love that. And I did a little bit of that today., do you have a number one Spider-Man versus Wolverine? Yes, exactly. I love that. And I did a little bit of that today. Yes, you have to. I actually knew I was coming on the show

with three of my favorite people who are unfortunately jocks, so you might not appreciate this stuff. I'm artsy, thank you. I'm artsy. I actually have a lot of collectibles. Okay, well, I'm shocked. I'm a gog. I can't believe...

Oh, man. I'm shocked. I'm a gog. I can't believe. Oh man. I'm like borderline hoarder. But you're a bully. I mean, we know that you're a bully. Like we've seen you bully nerds. No! You kicked over my sand castle that one time.

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! But I found- You're constantly doing resistance exercises. Yeah. What is it? What are the...

Oh yeah, you're squeezing those hands. Squeezing the hand squeezer. Oh yeah. Well, if you're going to rip it and tear it. Oh, sorry, what was the other thing? You've got to rip it and pull it. If you're going to rip it and pull it, you need to actually... You've got to rip and pull.

Thank you for that. You ever do a case break? No, what's a case break? Okay, well, next time we'll go in on a case break. Oh man, I want to do a case break. I know baseball card guys do case breaks where they all together, they're like, oh, I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break.

I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break. I'm going to do a case break. Next time we'll go in on a case break. Oh, man, I want to do a case break. I know baseball card guys do case breaks where they all together buy a case of baseball cards. I don't know, they get distributed somehow. Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no. Everyone gets a quarter of each card.

I don't know how it works. Sounds complicated. My goal is to find a God pack of the Pokemons. God of lights, God pack. God pack is where all of them are fire. Like, all of them are holograms, all of them, like, each one. Like, you Google it and you're like, there's no way I want a god pack.

It's gonna happen for you. It's gonna happen for you, Costella. But you know what? Back to WonderCon. Oh, yes. Because that is right up my alley. Like, if I like... Because I love frankincense. Okay. If I like frankincense, would I like WonderCon?

You're gonna love them. What are you... Yeah, what are frankincense? Frankincense. Tell me everything. Oh, my God. It's a collectible store that's like... If I like Frank and Sons, would I like one of them? You're gonna love them. What are Frank and Sons? Frank and Sons. Tell me everything. Oh my God, it's a collectible store that's like an hour away from us. Okay.

It's open like all week. They moved into a bigger location because it's so successful. Wait, this store is open all week? Yes, it's like insane, yes. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. To be fair, the kind of store that I think Crisella is talking about,

oftentimes is only open four days a week. I am familiar with the kind of store that I think Crisela is talking about, oftentimes is only open four days a week. I am familiar with this kind of store. So I think the fact that it is open seven days a week is noteworthy. I went to, when I went to the Japanese toy store downtown in Little Tokyo, we talked about this on Jordan and Jesse Goh a few months ago, to buy a birthday present for one of my daughter's friends who likes Ultraman. I told the guy about the store where I used to buy Ultraman toys when I was a kid in Oakland

called Kimono My House. And- Oh my God, I love that. And he said, oh yeah, she's still in business, but she only opens when she feels like it. Yeah. Yeah. There's, yes, that industry has a lot of that.

And God bless them, by the way. I love that. If you can have an only when I feel like it. Yeah. Yeah. Yes, that industry has a lot of that. And God bless them, by the way. I love that. If you can have an only one I feel like at business, you've made it. 100%. You've made it. 100%. WonderCon. Oh yes, but I got everybody a little something that I think is up your alley. Full of wonder?

Kristella got you something. Hopefully it's full of wonder. I'll let you say that. I won't be the judge. I love it. Even Matt's got a little something. I love it. I hope this isn't a wonder con. No, it's not a... No, this isn't a...

This isn't a... The con stands for convention, Jesse. Not whatever the other con stands for. Well, I would like to go to wonder un-con. Uh-huh. Yes. That's right. I do think that was good to say. Yes, yes, uh-huh.

We all liked to hear. Matt, did you think that was good to say? Yes, yes, I was not, I would never cut that. No. I keep it in because I get it and I like it. Which is why I like it here because I get it and I like it. Which is why I like it here. Yes.

In job. In job. Feed family, get jokes. Must. I love when I get them all. Say words. Share humor sense. Yes.

Mostly in English. Saying jokes. I like because we're friends. We all speak. Who should open their present first, Jordan? Oh, you know, let's do, let's go Jesse Crisella Matt. How about that? Ooh, okay.

I'm really excited about mine. And you've wrapped these beautifully in what I would typically call the Jesse style. Yes. Which is, you got some tissue paper and mostly wrapped it around the thing. Uh-huh, and applied one piece of scotch tape. I swear to God, if I got like, if I was a spy

and I got caught by the Russians and they wanted me to spill the beans, they would say, carefully wrap three things. No. I'm gonna go. Kill me. Kill me. Okay, anyway.

Oh, this is exciting. Yes. Oh. I'm real you're gonna kill me. Okay, anyway. Oh, this is exciting. Yes. I'm real excited about this. So. Okay. Alf! So, we were chatting on another episode. Apparently, you and the kids

have really been enjoying some Alf lately. It's true. And I found this exclusive Alf comic from when he was published by Marvel. And he's saying Chowabunga. Yeah. He's about to go swimming, but he's going swimming in the bird bath, and I think he's going to eat the birds.

He might. Yeah, I guess we know that Alf eats cats, but in a pinch will he eat a bird? On the cover of this, suggested that he will. It also features the new age, male mutant abstract turtles. It's like a cool parody. Then very current teenage mutant ninja turtles. Impressionist artists.

Oh, is that what it's... I think so, yes. I think so. And yeah, and that's from, you know, Marvel Comics. So, Kevin Feige, if you're out there, don't be a coward. Add Alf to the MCU. I love Alf. He has seven stomachs. Does he? That's a great Alf coward. Add Alf to the MCU. I love Alf. He has seven stomachs. Does he?

Yes. That's a great Alf fact. That's an Alf fact. I was a big Alf fan. Yeah. I'll tell you this. Jordan and I talked about this elsewhere, but I've watched a pretty fair amount of Alf with my daughter.

And it certainly is creaky. But I find Alf really funny. I really laugh at Alf as an adult man, a sophisticated adult man. And I like that the dad from Alf doesn't want to be there. Sure doesn't. And is weird and sad. It's a, yeah, dad from Alf is giving a real, like,

it's a really all-time sitcom performance, I think. It's a real special weird one. Yeah. Do we want to go around the horn, Cristela? All right. OK, this is exciting. This is really exciting. Oh, I hope it's Alf.

No, sorry. You're going to be bummed. Oh, my god, yes! Okay, is it a hologram Squirtle? Yes! Oh my god. So it is, it is... It's a pair of earrings.

It's Super Mario and Luigi, but like off market. They're off market, yes. They're charmingly off market. They are, they have a... It's Mike and Larry. They're electric market. They're charmingly off market. They are. They have a... It's Mike and Larry. They're electricians. Sure. The super Totino siblings. It's the combination.

It's a pepperoni and sauce. Hopefully they'll save Princess Apricot. Um, they're Greek for some reason. Yeah. Oh, my God. I love them. Yeah. So that is a, you know, that is a, like, you know, fan-made Mario and Luigi era. Oh my god, I love them. So that is a fan-made Mario and Luigi earring set. And they have an expression.

Their eyes are kind of bugging out, their mouths are open. The expression to me is 12 year old who just saw a Playboy for the first time. I was gonna say, it does look like they saw something naughty. Like, whoa, how much did she spend on those veneers? Oh, check out the veneers on her. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. By a wide margin, to my eyes, the most remarkable thing about this is that they come on what seems to be, it's a little heavier than printer paper, but it does seem, it has a very printer papery vibe. And printed on it with truly what looks

like a dot matrix printer. Like truly it says. See, this is why you're going to WonderCon instead of Comic Con. Why does it sound? You're not getting the slick merch. You're not getting the official stuff. Jesse, why does it sound like you're doing Antique Roadshow of WonderCon? No matter what I say or what context I'm in,

I sound like I'm doing Antique Roadshow. You've met me before, Cristhella. I know this is true. I love them. It says... Oh good, I'm glad you like them. They're amazing. It says, Michelle's Menagerie. Mm-hmm.

Oh man. Michelle does good work. Love it. She had a lot of fun stuff. She started out in Glass Animals and then she switched to Mary Rose. These are not selling great. I love them. Oh good, I'm glad you like them.

Matt, you want to go? Yeah, I'm very excited. Oh my god, hard to follow that Yeah Don't be a pink slip That'd be a fun way to do it oh Cool I love this it's a Knuckles the Echidna It's a comic, you know Sonic and Knuckles?

Oh, yes! From Archie Comics. We were talking about this earlier a few days ago. I talked about how the one Archie Comics that I did read, other than Archie, was Sonic the Hedgehog. Oh! This is awesome. I actually won't regift this.

Hey! Okay, that's the goal. That is incredible. That's the goal. Um, yeah, yeah. I'm not gonna regift mine either, no matter how many times my 12-year-old bangs me. Get it out of the house. Fuck you, Grace! This is dad's!

You can't read it. I'm not gonna tell you what I'm laughing at. Ha ha ha ha. Oh, Alf. Yeah, that's right. I know what Alf eats now in addition to cats, and you don't. I know how many stomachs he has. This was kind of an interesting,

it was interesting pawing through this box, because I knew Matt loves these Sonic comics that were published by Archie. I don't think they had the license anymore, but like they did at one point, and I guess this continuity is very beloved to some certain Sonic people. And I wanted to get you, I got you a Knuckles comic. I wanted to get you a Sonic comic.

The Sonic comics single issues were 80 bucks. Yeah, I was gonna say super expensive. If you have any of those, slab them up, my friend. Put that kid through college. I wish I did, but I probably threw them out in a fit of rage where I was like, I'm not gonna be dorky anymore. And then now I regret it. I did the same thing with my diaries.

I kept trying to change history. Those are also worth 80 bucks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, those are also very very valuable. Throw those on eBay. But this is really amazing. I love this. Matt, can I ask you a question? Yes.

Did you keep a diary of when we were best friends in college? Yes, I did, but I threw it out because I didn't want anyone to know. Oh, okay. Friendship. In case they heard our podcast. Yeah, yeah. I wanted people just to live with the illusion

that I don't like it here, but I love it. Do you guys wanna take a little break, rummage around in the dumpsters for Matt's diaries, and then come back for a little bit more? Yes. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you.

Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. It's Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective here with some important messages for you, the Jordan Jessi Goh listener. First of all, thanks to everybody who joined up during the Max Fun Drive. We love y'all, y'all are the reason we can do this. If you haven't for some reason gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, you can still do it and get all that sweet bonus content, Maxim maximumfund.org slash join.

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And hey, if you're in the LA area, I got something for you, but if you're not in the LA area, if you're not, there's something for you too. This Sunday, April 14th, from 12pm to 2pm, I will be at Golden Apple Comics signing comics with the great Elliot Kalin from the Flophouse, Amy Chase, Casey Gilley, and Ryan Cady. A bunch of cool folks, a bunch of cool books. Elliot is there signing copies of his Hercules comic, issue one of his Hercules comic. I think this is Elliot's first comic book signing ever. It's definitely his first one in LA. So if you're in the LA area, come on out to Golden Apple Comics, a great indie comic shop,

April 14th, 12 to 2 p.m. And hey, if you're not in the LA area and still want to get some of these signed books, goldenapplecomics.com is their website. They ship anywhere in the world. So you can get Elliot's book, you can get my book, Amy Chase, Casey Gilley, Ryan Cady, signed stuff from all these folks, delivered right to your door, goldenapplecomics.com.

Okay, that's it, back to the show. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la It's Short and Jesse Go, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la You came in, you were carrying groceries. There was a big baguette sticking out of it. You were all flustered. Yes, but also, I've just said, I'm single and want to focus on my work. That's true. And then you ran into that uptight businessman. Oh, but I hate him.

What an annoying guy. I think you might change your tune in about 25 minutes. No, never. You might change your tune. Oh, no, never. I would never date that guy. His hog's too big. Just romantic comedy tropes is all we're talking about.

Can't date him. It won't fit. Sure. M-E-A-T cute, right? Meat cute. But a meat cute? Sure. I like that, Jordan. That's a lot of fun. Best episode ever, right?

I know. Seriously. The hits keep coming. What are we doing? Do we hang it up after this? I don't know. How do we follow it up? I mean, look, Jordan, Jesse went... I'm gonna move back to my hometown Yes. They went out on top. I'm gonna move back to my hometown and open a cupcake bakery.

Oh, that's good. And I'm going to move back to my hometown and become a Christmas puppy. Oh, I love that. Perhaps I will be adopted by you. What are you going to do in your hometown? Run for mayor. That's great.

That sounds really funny. It's important for people to have goals and role models. Thank you. Yes. Uh-huh. Yes. Here's an example of someone who was at WonderCon. OK.

Do you know that OG Star Trek episode where Shatner fights the lizard guy out on the cliff? Yes. It's like a famous gorn. He's a gorn. That's the name of the creature he's fighting. Shatner not there. The guy in the lizard suit was there.

Really? I thought about getting an autograph from the guy in the lizard suit. He was charging a lot for it. What does he get? 80 bucks. Wow! Yeah! That dude does all right.

He may have gone on to do, like, other things, but he was there in the context of, I was the guy in this episode of Star Trek in the lizard suit. Actually, that makes sense because I like Star Trek, and if I was at a con and I saw someone that wasn't expected, that you're not expected to get the autograph. Like Shatner, you're like, of course, right? But a Jason, Star Trek a Jason.

I'm like, that's kind of a cool guy. Do you get the 8x10 for free? He throws in the 8x10, right? Yeah, I think that's the package deal. I think you're buying the 8x10 amateur. You would have to. So it's like $75 for the 8x10, $5 for the autograph. Selfie? $40.

Oh. Interesting. Yeah, so if you want an autograph, photo, and selfie, you're dropping $120. Was there anything there that you were close to being willing to pay for? Like, were there any autographs, photographs, hand jobs?

Hand jobs, yes. I hung around the dumpster all day. Nobody showed up. It was out, I took it out! Gosh, what did I look, I mean, I do like going to those places and buying trades and graphic novels and stuff that I'm going to read. Guys, my TBR pile. You should see this fucking thing.

You should see this TBR pile. So I kind of told myself, don't, you're not doing that. Let's say Giles from Buffy the Vampire Slayer I'd love a job. I'd love a solid get that's all again one If you took a selfie you could put it on our social media and write it off that's a business promotion You just changed the world of cons right Yeah, yes, oh I'm, I'm writing stuff off now. Cons were relying on nerds.

They should have been relying on comedians who need to find something to post on their IGs other than crowd work, because they don't do crowd work. I love it. Right. Oh, my God. Well, hey, it's a momentous occasion when you learn that you can write off your Giles selfies.

You know what? Jack it off, write it off. Jack it off, write it off. Yes, exactly. When it comes to Giles from Buffy, I say. Jack him off, write him off. If he's into it. Yeah, with consent.

Sure, yeah. Giles, call us. You know what? If Giles doesn't want the H.J., Angel does. Oh, Boreanus? Oh, yeah. Yeah, totally. You should never say no to an H.J.

Oh, totally. This guy loves getting cranked. Yeah. He'll take a dry in the car. Boreanus? Yeah. I just got Boreanus? Yeah. I just got Boreanus. Oh! Oh, Boreanus

all over! I don't know. I don't like this episode anymore. I know! I actually like him! I don't know him, but he seems nice. He seems great. Boreanus? That's Angel from Angel? What like a good guy. Boreanus? Yes.

That's Angel from Angel? That's Angel, yeah. What's a different guy from Angel? Oh, gosh. There was Gunn. Gunn? Cordelia. Okay, what about Devil?

Do they have that? Yes, Devil. Matt, write down that this is the best episode of all time. Oh, yeah, yeah. Title it best episode of all time. I already titled it that. Yeah, okay, yeah. It's pretty accomplished as that.

Great. Uh, momentous occasion, et cetera, et cetera. Let's hear what this caller called. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and I'll say top 10 NFL insider Mark Sessler. It's a crisp, cool morning here in Atlanta today. I was driving into work, and as I approached a landscape supply company, a dump truck pulled out in front of me, just filled to the brim with a pile of manure that was steaming like a hot cup of coffee. So yes, I started my day

today with a literal steaming pile of poop. That's all. Flight of the Raptor, sting of the asp. Yeah, that's a classic Jordan. Jesse, go ahead. This had the quality of, you know when David Lynch does the weather? You hear those? Yes, yes! Oh my God, all the vibes, all the vibes.

I know, yeah. I mean that in a very nice way. I love it when David Lynch does the weather. What are those? They played those on a radio station out here. I don't know where those are coming from anyway. I think it's KCRW. Yeah.

Oh, that sounds like something very KCRW would do. Yeah. It was somewhere. Anyway, yes, David Lynch does the thing where he reads the weather in this style, and it's very funny and charming. Oh, that's nice. Did you guys ever, when I was a kid, my mom used to,

well, my mom didn't have a car, so I don't know how we got there or picked stuff up there. But we'd go to the zoo to get zoo-doo. Like the zoo would distribute shit. You know, you'd give them 10 bucks and they'd fill your truck with shit. Wow, you paid them. And then, well, because it's really nice shit,

it came from elephants and stuff. Zudu. That's cute. Oh, I didn't know. What did you pay for it? It's not a communist country. Yeah, what do you think this is, Cuba? I didn't know Chanel shit was like a thing.

OK, all right. Chris, all in Cuba, they give you as much elephant shit as you want. Yeah, but you have to wait in a waiting list to get it. Yeah, you have to open your mouth before they dump it on you. Not like here where you get it as soon as you get the money. Buy as much as you want with your money.

And were you, and you and your- I bought an elephant. Oh yeah? Yeah. That way, hey, why buy the cow when you can get the shit for free? Exactly. What are we talking about? Jesse, I don't know.

How great this episode is. We're just saying stuff. Jesse, you and your mom were getting the zoo-doo. It was for gardening projects, or were you using it to prank Biff? No. I hate manure. Well, that was the first thing that I thought, the Biff scene.

Yeah, me too. I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. He hates manure. We would get it. We'd fill the truck with the Zudoo, and then we'd go get an enormous paper bag. Right. Light it on fire.

And the guys from the summer camp across the lake. Oh, those guys, those wasps. Yes, the waspy guys from Camp Ivory Tower. Did they get a good surprise? We used to, I think we brought it, my mom used to garden at church. Okay. Is that a thing, does that make sense to you?

Yeah, in church gardens. Yeah, there was like a garden in the yard of the church where different church people could garden there. And then we would bring the Zudu there, but I truly don't remember, like we can't have taken it on the bus. Maybe it was on the light rail. Maybe. I don't know, yeah.

Maybe we took it on the K-Engel side. Sure, right, yeah. Maybe, I don't know. Like a hand cart, because you just have walked it across town. Probably just walked it with it. Oh, I know what we did. There was a rail line,

so we used one of those pump up and down carts. Right. My mom wanted one. Yeah, like escaping hobos who have to get out of town. Right. But how did you do, what would you do when you approached the anvil?

Ha ha ha ha. Chris, are you a gardening person? Yes. Or was your family a gardening people? We grew up, we were big gardeners. My mom, my uncle used to love to grow roses and I'm a big plant person. I have plants all over my apartment. I actually just bought, I bought some plants for the outside. I moved, you know, in the past couple months and I didn't have enough, I didn't have a patio

to actually like have outdoor plants. So I was very excited and I went to buy some outdoor plants and I'm setting them up and stuff. I love plants, I love them. I want to see you post them, I want to see some patio inspo. Oh my God, I used to do a happy planter day, like on Saturdays I would post a different plant and stuff

like that during COVID just to get people into planting. I love plants. I love it. I'll tell you this. I have a little herb box. But besides that, I don't have a strong desire to garden. But if you told me, hey, Jessie, I'm going to the terrarium store, I'd be like, oh, fuck, and I'd just grab $300 off my dresser

and get in the passenger seat. Sure, yeah. Just at any moment, I'm in danger of becoming a terrarium guy. They're cash only there. The terrariums, they're sexy. The terrariums are sexy. I would love to fuck a terrarium. Oh my god.

Oh, there's some worms in there and nice moist soil. They really are. Terrariums are a different level. They're not, they're a different kind of gardening. That's why they're called Boreanuses. Yeah, I know. I was going to say, I love you. I love you.

Oh my god. So good. So good. Yeah, no. I love you! I love you! Oh, my God. Oh, so good. So good. Yeah, no, I always... When people find out, you know, there's some comics that know that I'm really into plants, and when they want to get into plants,

they will come to me, and they're like, what should I start off with? And I always tell them, like, I'm like, well, what kind of setup do you have? Blah, blah, blah. You know, it's like a whole thing. What are some of your have? Blah, blah, blah, you know, it's like a whole thing. What are some of your top plants? Well, it depends on, you know, it depends. Like, for me, um...

No, for you. For you. Well, because I'm telling you that I was telling you that I'm, like, telling, you know, comics what to do and stuff. Okay, what are your top three plants for Bill Burr? Yeah. Fine, we'll do it your way. No, like I have like a huge classic like fiddle fig tree. Oh yeah.

My mom has a fiddle fig tree and is constantly giving me cuttings and I cannot keep them alive and they're gorgeous. I, they, yeah, they die comically fast. And that's actually, it's kind of a hard one for a lot of people to master. It took me a couple tries because they're kind of finicky. Yeah, that's been my experience. Yeah, so I like the fiddle fig, it's always good. Classic, I like, let's see, honestly, I really, I fuck with the classic pothos.

They're the cheap ones. They're cheap, they're basic. I always tell people, whenever they think that they aren't plant people, get a pothos. Because you can do low light, high light. And they actually tolerate you forgetting to water them. But they grow really nice and they vine nice. As a house plant, I actually have one that has a couple of like, you know trails that are I would say about maybe Eight nine feet right now and I just before earlier today. I started hanging them over this little loft area

I have in my place, you know, it's really cool. I love that and I and I have a jasmine Oh, what's your jasmine outside? That smells gorgeous. That's why I got it. It's so good. It's so good. Those are like my three right now. Crisella, I'll tell you this. I just said about how disinterested I am in growing plants. And it occurred to me, as you were describing

your favorite plants, guess what I have in my herb box right now? I've got some green onions that I ate and then propagated on the advice of my friend Cristela Yes, yes, I just I love it it's just it's so cool I love it's just to me. It's just it's great to see something grow that you did it and it's so easy to do it I remember in first grade. I don't know if you guys did this but like in first grade we would drink I remember in first grade, I don't know if you guys did this,

but like in first grade, we would drink the milk out of the little cartons and then we'd fill it with soil and we'd get a little pinto bean. And then we'd, and I remember. It's exciting when it sprouts. It really was. It's exciting when it sprouts. It was, cause you're like, I did that, you know?

And that's kind of what, what kind of, you know, I would help my mom garden and stuff with the roses. And that's what kind of got me into it. When, when you see it, and you're like, I helped with that, that's pretty fucking cool. That's what I said the last time I gave Boreanus a hand job. I did that.

I did that, I did that. I made it grow. I made yes. Angel himself. I made it grow. Boreanus, go on Jordan Jessica. Boreanoreanus go on Jordan Jessica. Boreanus go on Jordan Jessica. We'll do what it takes.

Obviously. We had Amber Vinson on, she had a great time. Come on. She was really nice. Oh my god, that's hilarious. Cool, yeah, let's see what we can do. Matt's gonna call Boreanus' people. Yeah, I'm calling up the Hellmouth

and getting them to the Angel. Just throw your request into the Hellmouth. And then we'll come back for a little bit more. If something momentous happens to you, 206-984-4FUN or send us a voice memo at jjgo at MaximumFun.org. You don't have to talk like David Lynch giving a weather report, but it doesn't hurt.

Yeah. I mean, feel free to. I actually think you do have to do that now. Oh, do you? For now? David Lynch, why don't you call in and say something momentous? Oh my gosh, that would be great.

Yes, if anybody knows Lynch. Let's just go for the gold. We're already trying to go like Boreal. Yeah! Let's go! We were the big two, David Boreanas and David Lynch. Yes. Oh my god.

The Titans. We need the Turducken, the trifecta. One more. One more David. Once, and I will probably forever regret this, but once like maybe 12 years ago, I got pitched David Lynch for Bullseye. And it was on behalf of his Transcendental Meditation

Foundation, because he was working on getting enough people to do a certain kind of meditation that they would fly. They all did it at the same time they would be able to levitate. And I was like, I don't know that, I was like, maybe let me know if he has a movie coming out. Or a memoir. Anyway, he seems like a pretty cool guy.

Wow, a memory. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Are you tired of being picked on for only wanting to talk about your cat at parties? Do you feel as though your friends don't understand the depth of love you have for your guinea pig? When you look around a room of people,

do you wonder if they know sloths only have to eat one leaf a month? Have you ever dumped someone for saying they're just not an animal person? Us too. She's Alexis B. Preston. She's Ella MacLeod. And we host Comfort Creatures,

the show where you can't talk about your pets too much, animal trivia is our love language, and dragons are just as real as dinosaurs. Tune into Comfort Creatures every Thursday on Maximum Fun. What is up, people of the world? Do you have an argument that you keep having with your friends and you just can't seem to settle it and you're sitting there arguing about whether it's Star Trek or Star Wars?

Or you can't decide what is the best nut? Or can't agree on what is the best cheese? Stop doing that. Listen to We Got This with Mark and Hal, only on Max Fun. Your topics, ask and answered objectively, definitively for all time. So don't worry, everybody. We got this. We got this.

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Cristela Alonso, garbage pail kid. Cristela, my green onions are about to bloom. And then what happens? And then do I get an onion?

Is there an onion growing underground? I think there's an onion growing, right? Probably. Like, there's a regular onion down there. How long have you been doing this for? I don't know. Like, you never looked. A month?

OK. Well, I don't hate. They're not growing in an ant farm, Crist, OK. Well, I don't hate. They're not growing in an ant farm, Cristela. The dirt is opaque, Cristela. Sorry. Sorry. Because I didn't know.

I don't mean to pull my expert gardener card on you here, but. I didn't know how long you had been doing this. They've been there for a while. Yes. That's, I mean, it's just to the point where they're blooming. They're about to bloom. Yes. They got little buds, you know? I would look.

Do you think underneath there, there's going to be an onion down there? Check it out. Because the green onion is the same plant as an onion onion, right? Matt, is a green onion the same plant as an onion onion? I'm going to go with yeah. OK, thanks, Matt.

Dude, I love your Google. And Chris, now, fuck you. Yeah. Yeah, I, thanks Matt Whoa! And then he said this, hey, Angel, fuck you! Yeah. Ooh. Ha ha ha. All right. Giles, we can. I wouldn't say that to a vampire. I want to hold hands with Giles.

Giles is great. Because he's all class. Mm-hmm. All. That's why he wears glasses. Mm-hmm. Works in that library. Ooh, class, glass with class.

Crisela Alonso. Yes. I don't think that, I think it would be hard, I mean, to be frank, for our audience to spend a night out and have more fun than they would have going to see the standup comedy of Crisella Alonso. And the good news, Jordan, is Crisella Alonso is what they call hitting the road.

That's great news, Jessie. I'm hitting the road the entire year. My goal is actually, so what I'm doing, I'm working on, my goal is to shoot a third special next year. And I have given myself this year to tighten up the hour and just pick and choose what I want in the order that I want.

I really, I put in a lot of thought into the hour as you should. So I decided to go and hit the road, and I'm doing certain cities that I haven't done in a long time, and some of my favorites and stuff, and I already have the city that I want to shoot the special at,

and it's not on the list, obviously, but I'm hitting the road, and I just, to me as a comic, it's important to hit different markets to see how the jokes hit in different areas and stuff. So I'm really excited. Because you need to try it in Portland, you need to try it in Nashville, or you're not gonna know how it goes

when you tape in Des Moines. Exactly! It's like, I don't know! It's like, what's going on? Because Nashville and Portland, what's in the middle? Yeah, Des Moines. Des Moines. And let me tell you this, Jordan. Des Moines is Cristela country.

Oh, yeah. Oh, man. Let me tell you. Des Moines loves to laugh. With the Cristela. Oh, my god. I love, I want more Cristela Lanzar on my mind. Oh, my god.

How, like, your minds. Just beautiful. Just beautiful minds. Just beautiful minds. Does it shut down at the end of the night? Do you dream? I have to drink myself to sleep. Isn't that fun? Oh man. I have a problem.

You remind me of my parents. I'm sick. My doctor tells me. Wow. I just go home and silently read the Bible. The Trump Bible? The Trump Bible. Yes, exactly. Yes, yes, yes. Listen, is it more than an autograph from the guy who played the gorn?

Yes. But it's filled with more wisdom. Jesus doesn't get crucified in this one. Oh, wow I read a pickup truck full of elephant dung, which I call the dump I don't know where these people came from, but there's a standing ovation happening in the office right now. What? Everyone's standing and clapping. Right there on the other side of that wall that you're pointing towards.

That is so weird. It's weird. It's amazing that I can't, I mean, it's obvious that I can't see them because they're on the other side of the wall, but I think that I'd be able to, but you can hear them because you're there. They're in slow motion. Oh, that's kind of the best kind of ovation. They're in slow motion. The people are in slow motion. Oh! The best kind of position. The people are in slow motion. They're clapping in slow motion. Oh my god.

One guy's saluting. Historically. Apparently Osama bin Laden died again. Wow. Yeah, I got him. I got him, man. You didn't hear about that? Pow, got him.

We picked a good night to do our MTV Unplugged. Okay. A lot of Meat Puppets covers. Meat Puppets. Okay, Crisella, where are you going to be on your stand-up comedy tour? Coming up next, I'm actually, I'm all over, but I'm actually, I'm doing Pittsburgh, which Pittsburgh I haven't done in about like five years or so. Pittsburgh's supposed to be a cool town, right?

It is a cool town. I went to the Warhol Museum there, which is pretty cool, and it's Mr. Rogers. You know what I love, you know what I love about that Andy Warhol? Just every once in a while, just put everything he had on a box and gave it to somebody to save. That was like his number one move.

Like through his whole life, you just sweep everything into a banker's boxes and have him put it in a warehouse for later. Dude, you know, it's leftovers, right? It's leftovers. As a stuff lover. That's my dream lifestyle. Just never have to lose anything. I know it's in that box. I'm doing Pittsburgh mid-April. I'm doing Irvine for Mother's Day, Irvine, California. I'm doing five shows.

Oh my god, maybe I'll bring Gail. Yeah, you and Gail should go. That's great. My mom lives down there. That's Gail country, Kristella. Oh, Gail. I think Gail would have fun at that. OK, I might.

OK. Let me know. I think Gail would have a nice time seeing Kristella. She'd have a blast. Oh my god. There'd be Gails of okay. Let me know. I think Gail would have a nice time seeing Kristella. She'd have a blast. Oh, my God. There'd be gales of laughter. That's true. Gale storm. My car windshield.

Oh, fuck. I get a new windshield. Yeah, I'm doing Pittsburgh. I'm doing Irvine. I'm doing Milwaukee, which I haven't done in a long time. Milwaukee. You know, I'm doing Chicago Seattle. That's what Alice Cooper calls it. I know. Yeah, I'm doing Irvine, I'm doing Milwaukee, which I haven't done in a long time. Milwaukee, you know, I'm doing Chicago Seattle. That's where Alice Cooper calls it.

I know, yeah, we go way back, you know, Alice Cooper. We're not worthy. I'm hitting the road everywhere. You can get more information on my shows at KristalAlonzo.com, also my Instagram, also even reluctantly Facebook. And I'm excited to do it. Most of the weekends I'm doing five shows

and I'm on the road till December. Heck yeah. Yeah. We love it. I think this is gonna be fun. Yeah, Cristela Alonso, one of the funniest there is. I've seen you do stand up many times and I have laughed a lot throughout each performance.

Ah, ah yes. Mission accomplished. And you can bring Gail, I would say. I think, yeah. Yeah. You know what? I could bring fucking Judy. Whoa, yeah.

Whoa. Let's get Judy down here. Get Judy down here. I think we can agree that our moms are natural best friends. They're not completely different. But sometime. Who would be respectfully baffled by each other. Who's pitching this sitcom?

It'd be a great scene. Here comes Brad again. Oh, boy. It's the same. Oh, man, our moms would be so nice to each other. They would be. They could have fun. I love it.

They'd have fun. They'd have a good time. I love that. They'd have a good time. You guys, in my mind, they already hung out. They could have fun. They'd have fun. They'd have a good time. I love that. They'd have a good time. You guys, I'm already... In my mind, they already hung out. Jordan's mom is more fluent at normal human behavior. My mom is colorful.

Oh, I love that. My mom is notably colorful. Oh, I love the coded efforts. She is. She brings a lot of flavor to the scene. Oh, I love it. Oh, Flavortown. I've heard wonderful things about it.

Are you hitting Flavortown on this tour? Oh, yeah, of course. I have a messy mom that loves the drama. Ah, yes, yes, yes. Many moms do. Chrisella, it's always a joy to see you. Ditto. And keep those earrings with my compliments.

Yes. Yes. Matt Leve is the producer of Jordan and Jesse Go. Ditto. And keep those earrings with my compliments. Matt Leve is the producer of Jordan Jesse Go. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Thank you to The Free Design and their label, Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on social media at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan Jesse Go on Twitter at put.this.on and at Jordan David Morris on Instagram and on Facebook at facebook.com slash Jordan Jesse Go.

Plus, hey, how about this, hit us up on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com. You know, it wasn't a while people say, I was scared to go on the Max Fun Reddit. Reddit's crazy. You know what? Fucking great vibes on the Max Fun Reddit. We have a good time over there on the Max Fun Reddit.

Fucking great. And you never know when Dave Shumka is going to check in. He'll pop in. I love Dave Shumka. Everybody loves Shumka. A lot of people think it's just Ellen Boss there, but Dave Shumka stops by. A lot of great deals. I mean, you get a lot of great Ellen Boss content too. Well, sure. Well, yeah, sure. Well, maximumfun.reddit.com. Well, sure, well, yeah, sure, well.

Maximumfun.reddit.com. Yeah, okay, that's enough. Matt. What's up? Get this one bronzed. You got it. We'll be back. Slap it up.

Grade it. We'll be back next week on Jordan and Jesse Go. Aw. I love you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. than Jessica.