Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Cloth Bag is Real Bag, with Chris Fairbanks

Episode Date: March 18, 2024

We're kicking off this year's MaxFun Drive with comedian and co-host of Do You Need A Ride? Chris Fairbanks, who talks to us about rubber stamps, kids stacked in a trench coat and much more.Make sure to support this great network by heading on over to maximumfun.org/joinJORDAN, JESSE, GO! A CAVALCADE OF STARS (LIVE + LIVESTREAMED!) On March 24th at 3pm PST, Jordan, Jesse, Go! is going live for an afternoon of music, comedy and podcast magic at the Elysian Theater in Los Angeles AND livestreaming FOR FREE everywhere! Join Jordan Morris, Jesse Thorn, and a cavalcade of comedy stars for a years worth of entertainment packed tightly into a 90 minute live show. The show is also a fundraiser for the Maximum Fun! If you are in Los Angeles, buy a ticket now and come see it in person! If you can't make it in person, watch the livestream for free. Reserve your livestream spot here! 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan.

Yes. I wish you this year and of course every year a happy Max Fun Drive. Happy Max Fun Drive, Jesse. The Max Fun Drive angel visits each of our listeners at this time of year to sprinkle her angel dust upon them. Gives them a kiss on the forehead and whispers when they will die into their ears. Jordan Jesse Goh has always been known as the angel dust of podcasts. Sure, right.

People are always listening to Jordan Jesse Go and then lifting cars. Enjoy our podcast and take apart your washing machine. Screaming and jumping through windows. That's meth. Whatever. Whatever. It's fine. It's fine.

The point is this. It's Max Fun Drive, so steal some copper, sell it, and support Jordan Jesse Go. Dig a hole. Who knows why? It is okay. So Jordan Jesse Go, of course, supported by membership. If you're not already, if you're already a member of Maximum Fun,

we love you, we salute you. If you're not already a member, it's very easy to become a member right now. So go to maximumfun.org slash join and do it. Later on, we'll talk about all the stuff you get. But what you really get, of course, is that powerful feeling right in your yoni.

So it's called a yoni. That's where you put your, I think that's the pussy. Yeah. Right in your, in your pussies. Yeah. It's right in your yoni,

right? The same place you put that quartz egg. Yes. I think Jordan, Jesse goes, the quartz egg in your yoni uh the feeling that you get when you support the podcast is good for your kegel muscles is what we're saying exactly the kegel exactly you you're clenching them right now listener see strengthening your

okay maximumfund.org join now jordan yes a lot of people think that on jordan jesse go we just come in here and bullshit. I think that's very deceptive. We're real professionals. And just like, say, our friend Chuck Bryan on Stuff You Should Know, we put a lot of effort and research into this program. This week is no exception. No exception. I've got a pop culture mystery solved stamp, rubber stamp. Actually, what should we, our guest, let's bring in the guest.

We love our guest. Because he's the, you know. A lot of people say you can't do Jordan Jesse Goh without a guy in an adorable rainbow striped shirt. And the answer is, you're absolutely correct. Luckily, we have one such man here with us today. One of our favorite Jordan Jesse Goh pals of all time, stand-up comedian Chris Fairbanks. That's me. And you can't mention rubber stamps without first introducing me, a passion of mine. One of my earliest passions. I'm not kidding. Your stamp guy when i was a kid i wanted rubber stamps i thought for whatever reason my dad would bring

them home and i'd just pound them on a piece of paper and yell sign you loved invoices when you said your dad would bring them home like your passion was like business rubber stamps or i wanted to be a notary or patent clerk i just wanted to, you know, or debunk old mysteries. It wasn't like my Aunt Gail. Jordan Jesse Goh legend, Aunt Gail. What a hacky aunt name. You're going to have to bring that up with Grandma Rita. Let's get a couple of alts on that.

My mom's name is Gail. Oh, man. It's getting hot in here again. We love Gails here on Chris, and we think their names are fine and don't think they need another pass. It's so hard to tell jokes these days. In this house, we believe science is real, and Gails make great aunts. Now we're talking. So my aunt Gail in the 80s, when she was wearing two different colors of Converse All Stars, Gail collected rubber stamps and she would send me birthday cards and they'd be covered in adorable rubber stamps of like different kinds of dogs and flowers and unicorns and stuff.

That was what I assumed you were into as a child, not ones that say, uh, no to so notarized. It's funny. Cause it stuck with me. Actually. It is the typeface. It is making, punching down an immediate logo.

So if it, like my dad had a Fairbanks one, like his signature and other, like your dad had one with his signature county tax assessor. Yeah. Yeah. He was like a government guy. I can't be, you know, sign in four to five things a day. Signature and other- Your dad had one with his signature on it? County tax assessor. Yeah, yeah. He was like a government guy. Can't be signing four to five things a day.

Did you also have an auto pen at your house to sign proclamations? What's an auto pen? An auto pen. I used to operate the auto pen when I worked in the mayor's office in San Francisco. Were you a certified auto pen operator? Absolutely. I got the full certification. You have your boiler's license too, right? I do, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Boiler making license. Oh, sure. Yes, I don't know how to operate a boiler. Okay, okay. I thought you could serve a beer and a shot. No. Okay.

You got to do a long weekend of training. It's like the CPR when you want to start babysitting. I guess that they probably just print signatures on official proclamations now with a laser printer. Yeah. And I know in Los Angeles, a crazy thing about Los Angeles is there is an official city employee

who is a calligrapher. Like this employee's job is to make the proclamations by hand in calligraphy. So if you ever go into like a dry cleaner where it was, you know, Milton Eady's dry cleaner day, like it is beautifully hand.

I swear that was famously a job because around that time my mom was like, I want a new gig. And she started doing courtroom stenography training, which is the shorthand typing. Yeah, it's like your fingers go in like a little machine that whatever direction they go makes a letter. And she was trying to get faster and they're like, you got to be 20 words faster than that.

But I remember also practicing calligraphy around that time. I bet it was for that reason. It wasn't because she knows karate. She was just looking at the list of civil service exams and like trying to... Yeah, yeah, yeah. In the mayor's office, if you imagine like a machine the size of one of those large format printers

that you see in a t-shirt shop or something, you know, like five feet wide and five feet tall sort of deal and, you know, two feet deep, only inside of it were just mechanical gears yeah and you'd put a thing in a in a window like there was like a window on the you know you'd put it down under a under a clamp yeah with a window there and a pen that was straight up and down funny would reproduce willie l brown jr's signature based on basically a spirograph system yeah and

the machine takes up a whole room. Yeah, exactly. When Willie could just be sitting in a chair. What the hell is Willie doing? The man was lazy as a pile of rocks, Willie L. Brown. He definitely didn't work from 5 a.m. until 1 a.m. every single day. I used to look at his schedule and be like, how can a human being do this? Oh, that's great.

Absolutely maniacal human being. So? Oh, that's great. Absolutely maniacal human being. So, Jordan, you did some research. Yes. Chris, to fill you in, a couple episodes ago, I made a joke about being two kids in a trench coat. Yes. It's a classic. Yeah.

Yeah. It's one with you. I know it to be your joke. Sure. A lot of people tell it. I do it a lot. I do it a lot. It's a well that I go to.

Not that I have a lot of those. I would say you said two kids in a trench coat trying to get into an R-rated movie in the late 90s. Thank you. Yes. I was early to the game. And are all the other podcasters who make two kids in a trench coat jokes copying me? Yes, they are. And they should be shamed because it's my hack reference.

You shouldn't have tweeted it that one time. To be fair, I mean, we're the first comedians. That's true. That's true. So everyone else, just by being funny, is copying us. And we get to be mad about it and indignant. And that's why we're zagging when others are zigging. True.

That's why we stopped being funny many years ago. Right. We just started saying things. Yeah. Don't worry. People are going to all follow suit and do the same thing. This is kind of, yeah, it's like a post-rock. It's a Sonic Youth kind of like, who needs melodies, man?

It's about the meh, meh. It's about the noise. It's about the noise it's about the noise pure decibels yeah anyway we're the throbbing gristle of podcasts um so so i i felt bad when i made this joke i was like i do this a lot i feel like i hear this a lot and and and i just it it sent me spiraling i'm like where does this even come from because there's a lot and it sent me spiraling. I'm like, where does this even come from? Because there's a lot of jokes about the joke, right? Yes. Like there's, and there's some great ones.

Like Vincent Adultman on BoJack Horseman, very funny. There's two kids in a trench coat character that recurs and has like a little emotional arc. It's very funny. People have done great things with this premise. Your premise. With your premise. Your premise. With your premise. With my premise.

It's possible to do a creative reinterpretation of one of Jordan's ideas. It's not. And Jordan is pretty chill about it, I would say. Yeah, for the most part. As long as you're animating it or something. But if you just say it in conversation or while podcasting. Well, Jordan has pretty heavy-duty representation. Like, Jordan will hire

that private investigator that ruined all those people in Hollywood's lives that, like, destroyed Gary Shandling or whatever. And isn't that P.I., quite coincidentally, many litigious children

stacked up? That's true. He is, yes. He is. I'm doing quotation marks. He is. The children represent all genders. He is, yes. He is, I'm doing quotation marks. He is. The children represent all genders. They is the rest in the family.

Here's the thing, the trench coat makes sense when he's a PI. Right. Exactly. You see somebody these days wearing a trench coat, it's like, what's going on here? It's weird that he wears a stack of fedoras. Sure, yeah. But the kids don't want to lose their fedoras. They come to work wearing a fedora and they don't want to miss it. Where are you going to... Yeah. The kids don't want to lose their fedoras. They come to work wearing a fedora and they don't want to miss it.

Where are you going to? Yeah. You should get a hat rack at the office. There's a website called- They have to change it in an office? That's a bigger waste of space than that signing machine. Well, they need somewhere for the telephone answering girl to be. Oh, right, right.

Somebody's got to take their messages. And she's just three other kids. And a little pencil skirt. And, right, right. Somebody's got to take their messages. And she's just three other kids. Yeah. And a little pencil skirt. Yeah. And a Jackie O hat. So, it got me thinking, like, I know the jokes about this, but I don't know, like, where did I see this growing up? Right, yeah.

Like, I couldn't even put my finger on, like, where did this come from? I'm trying to remember, too. Maybe you saw it, like, at the car show with your dad just a guess could be just a guess that did love an auto show maybe at a california angels game i'm just trying to imagine places jordan might have been yes but like irvine spectrum irvine spectrum a great mall that's just getting bigger yep um chris you've probably played the improv at the Irvine Spectrum, huh? I, during quarantine, quite regularly. That's a word I stumble on.

Regularly. Regularly. It's a tough one. Yeah. How about you? I bet you're good at it. Regularly. Regularly.

Oh, God damn it. The cadence. Regularly. Regularly, I would go to the Irvine Improv and do their outdoor drive-in style shows where you would stand on the top floor of the parking garage and do stand-up for a hundred cars. Wow. And some of them would roll down their windows. This seems like so long ago, actually, now. But everyone had a laughing technique with their honking. If they liked a joke, they'd go, beep, beep, beep, beep, would, everyone had a laughing technique with their honking.

If they liked a joke, they'd go, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Right. And it would be different groups. Like if a group of cars over here, 30 cars started honking, it was just them. I'm going to be frank. It was so interesting.

I'm going to be frank, Chris. This is just a dream you had. Like we all went through a lot during that time, and this is just a weird dream you had in 2000, late 2020. And then I came home and finished an entire dollhouse making tiny books.

What the hell did I used to do? I'm actually proud of me back then. What am I doing now? I have no excuse. You're not doing anything in parking garages.

Yeah, I'm not doing stand-up much. You're not even parking in them. Yeah, but it's funny because what a terrible noise usually honking. But you know, you fucked up. Not even parking in them. Yeah. But it's funny because what a terrible noise usually honking. Right. But you know,

you fucked up. You have to readjust your expectation. Like, oh, this means I'm good. Now people honk at me in traffic and I yell,

I'll be here all week. So what else is going on? It's at a red light. I'll be here all week. Oh, shit. I better go around then. Is it okay if people steal that joke?

Yeah. Okay, great. As long as they sort of reinterpret it. It Is it okay if people steal that joke? Yeah. Okay, great. As long as they sort of reinterpret it. It is. I'm going to make you, yeah, put your own spin on it. Yeah, yeah, you'd have to have a backstory. So what is the origin? So I looked on a couple of sites.

There's TVTropes.com, which just kind of catalogs these things. And there's Know Your Meme, which also kind of catalogs this stuff. Oh, is this dank? You know, I think this is dank. kind of like catalogs this stuff. Oh, is this dank? You know, I think this is dank. So in like recent years,

there are like kids who will do this like at malls and then it will go viral. I think like two kids try, I mean, I'm sure they're like older siblings and parents are putting them up to it, you know, to go viral. But I think there's a, you know, there's kind of a famous picture of two kids trying to like get into Black Panther doing this.

So like in real life, it's just like at a mall. And you don't know if this was actually what happened, but it's just like these kids tried to get into Black Panther and you see it at the mall. Can I say this? Yeah. I want to say two things.

Number one, to the parent who puts them up to this, you know, kind of fuck you. You know what I mean? But to the person who doesn't let them into the movie, definitely fuck you. Like if there's a child

bearing another child on their shoulders, they have earned it. Let them in to see the movie. They can see Deep Throat if they want to. Yeah, yeah. And also movie theaters are dying. If the kids want to go up there and see it on the big screen, let's let them.

Yeah, sit through a movie with a spirit-gummed beard on their little kid face. They had to find a trench coat. It's not like you can just go to J.Crew and be like, can I buy three trench coats, please? The top kid has a spirit gummed beard on. The

bottom kid has a spirit gummed pubic merkin on his face. Like, before I let you into the movie, I want to see the pubes. Are you talking about me? There's just a mouth. I'm a penis. And these are my pubes.

Oh, God, I love it. I hope you're all able to visualize that. All right, kids, enjoy Carol. So on these sites, they just kind of had the jokes about the joke right there was I didn't find many examples of it like happening in in like you would think that there would be an episode of I love Lucy where it happened or like they describe it on Fibber McGee and Molly sure and the know your meme they were saying that one of the earliest examples is Snow White, 1937.

The dwarves stack each other so they can dance with Snow White. Right. There's nothing in it about trying to get into an R-rated movie. And that one is more like, that's more of a sexual thing. Sure, yes, exactly. Like, it's not about getting into a movie or something. That's so that they can target each erogenous zone on Snow White. Yeah, you got to have the one with the biggest penis second on the stack. something that's so that they can target each erogenous zone yeah exactly yeah you gotta have

one with the biggest penis it's a second on the stack you gotta have somebody work in the belly you gotta if you wanna make snow white orgasm you gotta work the belly chris let me ask you this you just say things no more jokes just say all of this was researched this is a scripted show i got i gotta ask you this chris so i'm i'm looking up here uh there's dopey sleepy isn't there a sneezy what hold on can i just say i googled seven dwarves because I wanted a list of the seven dwarves so I could ask Chris which one had the biggest dick. Oh, we know. It's Doc. It's got to be Doc.

You don't make it through med school without a giant crank. Yeah. It's only his name because it rhymed with cock. You know how... Do you know how... We can't call him Cock. It's a kid's movie. We'll call him cock. It's a kid's movie. We'll call him Doc.

You know how Google will suggest questions if you Google something? Yeah. This is what it suggests. Sleepy net worth. Cause of death. What killed Snow White? That's one of them. So that's Google as coroner, essentially, as medical examiner.

One of them is real age, Snow White real age. Tired of the fictional age. The voiceover artist? I mean, who's Googling that? Someone. And also, people asking for cause of death only saw the first part of the movie. Exactly. People who noped out.

Well, it is. of the movie exactly people who noped out well it is i am sort of obsessed with the age of animated characters after learning that you know homer simpson was 32 yeah his whole life like i that is interesting to me and some of them get older yeah others don't but just one year per decade so but here's the people also ask the first first people also ask. Remember, I Googled seven dwarves just to find out what the names of the seven dwarves were. To be clear, that was not offered to me. Oh, okay. That was not in these results. People also ask, first question, what are four of the seven dwarves?

I don't have room in my brain for all of them. What? That's because everyone knows three. Second question, what are five of the seven dwarves? What in the world? Weird. These are both above the third question, which is, what are the seven dwarf names? Oh, my Lord.

Happy, Doc, Grumpy, Dopey, Bashful, Sleepy, and Sneezy. I wouldn't have gotten bashful. I agree Doc has the biggest dick, but sneezy can munch box like nobody's face. It's the only thing that clears his nasal passages. Finally, I can breathe again. It's better than a Claritin. To dwarves, eating pussy is like Claritin.

Just say things. Just say whatever. I know not, just say whatever. I know there isn't any black mold up in that pussy. That's what really triggers me. So, okay. So there's viral instances of real life children having stacked themselves on shoulders. Yeah. There is Bojack Horseman.

Yeah. The most emotional character that is children stacked on each other's shoulders. There's Snow White. Are there any other canonical ones? I'm sorry, though, if I can interject. Going to the movies is as important as the trench coat to me. It's essential. The fact that they're trying to get into an R-rated movie. I think the movie is the joke.

And R-rated movies didn't even exist until like the 70s, right? Yeah, before that, it was just every kid went to Rated X snuff films with their weird uncle in an El Camino with Dark Knight painted on the side that he had to return the day he died. Grab your popcorn, kids. We're going to watch El Topo.

I don't know what that was. Don't. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me out about that. Don't act me when that was. Don't at me. Don't at me. Don't at me, Jodorowsky. Yeah, I'm sick of Jodorowsky up in my mentions. Your dune would have been great. We all agree. We all know it would have been a great dune.

We all want to see your dune. So then I went on Quora and searched Quora, the question website. Yeah, Quora is a great website for 42 people who you have no idea who they are to give grammatically very awkward answers to questions. Oh, wow. Sure. And to either bait atheists or Christians, depending on which one they are. Oh, that's great. Hey, atheists, would you save a Christian baby from drowning?

There's a lot of that. I was like, what? No. No. Fuck them. And so someone was asking on Quora, they were remembering their favorite Our Gang shorts. The Little Rascals shorts. And someone mentioned, wasn't there a thing in that where two kids were in a trench coat?

And so I searched on some Our Gang websites. Great. In 1935. 1935. There was a short called Teacher's Bow. This predates Snow White by two years. Yeah. Where the little rascals are afraid that when their teacher gets married, she'll leave them.

I've seen it. Yeah? I've seen it. So they're trying to married, she'll leave them. I've seen it. Yeah? I've seen this. So they're trying to scare off the guy. Yeah, I've seen it. That is where it came from. And there is- Not that I'm pretending.

No, no, no. I knew this already. I saw that at Little Big Man's Pizza. They would show three stooges and they'd show the same things, but there was an arcade and that's how I saw it. So now you know I'm not lying. Hey, Siri, remind me in 2035 to celebrate the 100th anniversary of kids standing on each other's shoulders and wearing a trench coat. Right. So there is a—

Already in calendar. Would you like me to remind you to jack off? 3 p.m. Stick your penis in that watermelon again. Again. I've been watching you. Stop. How do you turn this off? It looks good to me.

I like how it looks. I'm weird. Get your bunch of frozen grapes for your anus. I'm weird. Get your bunch of frozen grapes for your anus. I'm just practicing the voice. Not what the voice says. You're a real doc if you know what I mean. Oh yeah baby

you know how I like it. I don't know why it's gone down that road. Sorry. So there's a scene in this little rascal short where they're trying to chase off the guy. So they get in the trench coat and they put on a little mustache and they act like a tough guy to try and scare him away.

And so he sees through this and tries to get them to smoke a cigar. Right, okay. God, that's, it's coming back to me. This is a genuinely funny thing that happens in it. He's like, oh, do you want to smoke? And the little kid on top says, no, I only smoke in the car. Oh, why don't I? What does that mean?

Maybe even then I knew that joke didn't quite make sense. So I was like, eh, I could have thought of something better for that. I'm only seven, but come on. That might have been a thing in the 1930s. Right. The Depression was on. Yeah. People, gasoline and cigarettes were rationed yeah and you can't

like your wife won't let you smoke in the house you gotta wait till you're in the yeah you're in the male car in the hudson i'm sure uh so that that happens uh and and the kid smokes and then it drops the ash onto the other kid and that reveals the gag because the other kid gets lit on fire yeah i think he gets he gets like ash on him yeah yeah right in his right in his face and i'm sure just like in the 30s the kid who they were having smoke was just smoking an actual cigar yeah yeah no one cared about these kids um that's great yeah so that's that that was what i found to be the first instance of it although it there isn't the element of them trying to get into the movie or buy the alcohol or whatever. Yeah.

Well, I'm interested. As far as where that came from, I don't know. I feel like given the composition of our audience, 50% graphic designer, 50% librarian. 100% suspenders. No belts for them he's doing a little hook those thumbs hook those thumbs in and get to researching

are these our listeners or Coen Brothers characters? Yes. That scene in the Coen Brothers where John Hodgman teaches you how to sharpen a pencil. These are specific. First of all, David Reese teaches people to sharpen pencils. Oh, sorry. I should have taken the class.

Come on. Get your act together. It was at like 8 a.m. I got it. I got what you were getting at. We saw where you were driving. That's just memories. Jodorowsky's going to be in your mentions correcting you.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Well, Jordan, I really appreciate you doing the work on that. Thank you. It was a lot of fun. I do think that we will be able to pinpoint the original instance of kids getting on each other's shoulders to get into an R-rated movie. Yes.

I think we're going to have to rely on those librarians in our audience. We need them. We need them now more than ever. Yeah. I think in these times, you know, this is 2024 as we record this, Chris, just so you know. Chris, in case you're listening. This comes out in three years? Yeah.

Anyway, gotta drive my 2022 Honda home now. That's how... So you think it's Honda Days 2021, right? Yeah, yeah. Happy Honda Days, by the way. Happy Helpful Honda Helper Days. Happy Helper Day.

Okay, so... So, anyway. I don't remember what I was going to say. I've never done that to you, and I apologize. You're more important than ever. You have to. Oh, right. You're having to fight these book bans.

Yeah, there's so many book bans across the country. This is why we appreciate the work that you do so very much. And there are people here who would go on a moral crusade against you finding out when the first time three children stood on each other's shoulders to pretend to be an adult so that they could get into an R rated movie because they think it's inappropriate for children to do that. Right. They think that's going to turn the children homosexual. Sure.

It might. I mean, fingers crossed. Good for them. It depends on what movie they walk into. That's true. So I just want you to know that we stand behind you. Yes. Just as we do first responders, single parents, and other people that it's courageous for us to support.

Right. And use a cloth bag at the supermarket, people. Thank you, Jordan. These are all reasons I'm going to bang pots and pans tonight at 8 p.m. Can I just say cloth bag at the supermarket? Latex condom on your heart. Thank you. Cloth bag is real bag.

Cloth bag is real bag. Cloth bag is real bag. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, Because we have listeners who have been listening for over 40 years now. But we also have listeners who just came to Maximum Fun now. And it's not something we talk about constantly. In fact, that's one of the special things about it. We don't talk about it constantly. Yeah, it's a once a year thing where we celebrate all these great shows. And we collect the members that keep this operation running. This is a member collection operation.

Yes. Some people do funcos. We do members. Exactly. Maximum Fun is actually supported by membership. So obviously, episodes of podcasts for Maximum Fun, we have sometimes some ads in them. We very strictly limit the ads. I don't know if you've listened to any other podcasts, but they all start with 17 minutes of ads for sports gambling now. But we keep the advertising very, very limited. And what actually pays for the production of our shows is members of Maximum Fund, folks who go to MaximumFund.org slash join, become a member, give, you know, five bucks a month.

Yeah. Ten bucks a month. Yeah. Ten bucks a month. There's a lot of levels you can give at, but honestly, the fact that a bunch of people just throw down five bucks a month, it's basically a buck a show, that's what keeps us going. That's why we've been able to do this show for so long without a premise. Or a raison d'être of any form.

Or a growing audience. Yeah. But yeah, we joke about that, but it is really cool that we can do shows like this shows like a bunch of the other max fun shows that aren't giant mega phenomenons because dac shepherd is interviewing elon musk or whatever but it's just a cool funny show for a niche audience who loves it and i'm so stoked that i get to do stuff like this for a cool passionate audience who throws in a little to keep it going.

We've been podcasting a really long time. I got a lot of friends who work in audio journalism, friends who work in podcasting, and it has been really scary times. You know, we are very, very lucky that we are completely independent. The business operations of Maximum Fun are completely worker-owned now.

If you didn't know, we became a worker-owned cooperative. I'm a worker-owner. Matt is soon to be eligible to be a worker-owner, I think. Yeah, I'm going to own this whole business. Yeah, Matthew, Matthew. Matt, buy and sell our ass.

Yeah, ABC, Always be closing. You got it. It's American Broadcasting Corporation. Yeah. I hope to work for them, too. Oh, that would be great. I love Dancing with the Stars. Can I get on that?

Matt, get me on Dancing with the Stars. I'm going to use my power for evil. Oh, no. But yeah, it's really cool. This is not a giant mega company. Everybody's show's been getting canceled. Everybody's been losing their shows. You know, all these podcast networks,

all these podcasts getting shut down, or they have to run 7,000 ads for sports gambling. It's really tough. Yeah. And we are so lucky that the support for Maximum Fun comes directly from you, like from people who listen to the show, is the reason that we have been able to make this show

for now 15 fucking years. Yeah, it's not a giant VC company where the show is just a metric or a part of the algorithm. These are just cool shows that people want to make, and MaxFun is a small company run by cool people who just want to make stuff. Yeah, so you can join if you're not already a member. You can upgrade your membership if you're already a member. If you can't go from one membership

level to another, you can even just nudge it up a little bit. You can do that. We call that boosting. Gift memberships are available. If you know somebody who's a MaxFun fan who can't join up at the moment, you can get them a gift membership. I'm sure they'll love it. And even if you join at the most basic level, which is $5 a month, which I always try and emphasize this, like what really drives this operation and what really makes this possible and what is really important to us is the difference between being a member and not being a member, not the level. Like we're very, very grateful and hope that if you have the means, by all means, go to the top level. But what really

matters is being a member. And if you are a member, you get access to what is now, particularly since Jordan S. Ego has been around so long, a monumental stash of special stuff. Including Stash. Including Stash, our Burt Reynolds recap podcast. And our new podcast. Oh yeah, this is fun. Is this the official announcement of our new show? This is the official announcement. We have a new show only for members. It is called Gracie's Game Gauntlet. Gracie's Game Gauntlet is my daughter, Grace, is very passionate about terrible video games.

Has an enviable collection of retro games that I always love looking at when I come over to your place. And she is always hounding me to play some horrible video game that she thinks it's going to be funny to watch me play. And so we decided to make this into a show where she has chosen six games for us to play. We're going to play them, we're going to recap them, and we're going to stream some live gaming sessions as well.

Yes, enjoy our pain live. We got Gracie on the line. Why don't we talk to her? Hi. So, Gracie, you've been interested in retro gaming and in terrible video games for, I don't know, a couple of years now? I tried a lot of terrible video games for, I don't know, a couple of years now. I tried a lot of terrible video games. Do you remember what the first terrible video game you tried was? I think Friday the 13th.

That wasn't great. It's a pretty bad game. I remember that one. You don't fight Jason. You mostly throw rocks at birds. Don't you mostly throw rocks at zombies? There's some zombies too, which is actually kind of fun. The best part was when it says you and your friends are dead, game over.

That is a good part. But I think the first really terrible game I played was Where's Waldo on NES? Because the sprites, maybe there's a difference, but they all look identical. So there's no way to guess which one is Waldo. You just have to guess. That does seem like a truly terrible platform for the idea of Where's Waldo.

And it cost the price of a video game back then. You could have just bought the book, which has more content because there's like four levels so we picked six games gracie you and i brainstormed a big list of games i kicked that over to our resident video game expert jordan jordan found some that we can play and stream at home um the first one that we played was wayne's world and it has nothing to do with the movie. I was expecting the spiders and ninjas to show up in the movie at some point. But sadly, they didn't. There are really a lot of ninjas.

Yeah. If you played Wayne's World the game before watching the movie, you will be very disappointed in Wayne's World the movie. Okay, so the other games that we picked, speaking of karate. Yes. Shaq Fu. Shaq Fu.

I have not played it, but I wanted to make Dad have to watch the movie Kazam for research purposes for the Shaq Fu episode. Sure, just to get all of Shaquille O'Neal's projects in line. Did I agree to that? Did I agree to that, Grace? Did I agree to watch Kazam? Yeah, I think you did. Okay, fine. You just did here on air. Yeah, I just that, Grace? Did I agree to watch Kazam? Yeah, I think you did. Okay, fine. You just did here on air. I just did on the air. I can't go back now.

Now I have to watch Kazam starring Shaq. I guess we should say that Shaq Fu is Shaquille O'Neal. The Shaq in question is Shaquille O'Neal. Not like there's a lot of Shaqs out there. It would be terrible if it was like dilapidated small house themed fighting game. Yeah, so this is for some reason,

Shaq wanted a video game, but didn't want it to be a basketball game. So this is a game where Shaq fights a lot of aliens. It's a one-on-one fighting game like a Street Fighter, but it's Shaq fighting aliens. Other games that you're making us play. Contra Force? Yeah, it's not a Contra game.

They rebranded it as that for the US release. Interesting. Because I like the Contra series a lot. This is the side scrolling. Yeah, Contra's really fun. Totally. Contra Force, it's not a Contra game. It doesn't have any of the characters.

The gameplay is bad. It has a lot of slowdown. So that's not going to be fun. I like the idea that what Grace is here to do is list the parts of these games that will not be fun for us. I mean, yeah, Cool World on NES. Yeah, let's move on. Cool World on NES. This is based on the ribald animation live action hybrid that came out after Roger Rabbit.

Yeah, I don't know if it's bad. Yeah, I don't know if it's bad. I just saw a picture of it somewhere, and I laughed so hard because all the NES games have to be family-friendly, and I thought it was funny how they have to translate the plot of that movie. That is very naughty. Even with the look of it, there's so much cigar smoking. Can you tell us about the NES version of Dragon's Lair? That's another one we're going to be playing.

So Dragon's Lair, I know some people don't like it, but I really like it. Dragon's Lair, it's from Don Bluth. It's the arcade game that looks like a Disney cartoon. It is gorgeous to look at. And that is the part that there's no way you could reproduce on the nes it doesn't even remotely work in the smallest sense make sure to play the us version because the pal version controls a little bit better we'll play the worst version yes we'll play the one it's thanks for looking out for us in that way. Grace, the last game that you're having us play is Superman 64.

This is a really famous bad video game. Can you tell us why it's so famous for being bad? You go around as Superman with the worst controls ever, flying through rings. Uh-huh. Sure. Yeah, just like in the comics. Just the shortest render distance ever. Tons of fog.

And that's the whole game. Can I ask you a serious question, Grace? Yeah. Is it weird to you that the house that you live in, the mortgage is paid for by you making your father play Superman 64? If I could pay off a house mortgage by just playing Superman 64 I would that's the dream yeah and Superman 64 I just want to say I'm sorry thank you for your apology and thank you Grace for for taking us through your super super cool retro video game collection I am genuinely impressed that you have all these weird, insane games.

And yeah, and I'm sure all our listeners will enjoy our suffering. Grace, I have a question. I know that you're a very gifted actor and performer. Do you think it would be possible for you to let our audience know that if they don't become members of Maximum Fun, you probably won't have enough to eat

or a place to live and we'll have to send you to an orphanage no but related to the actor performer thing i can plug frederick and hockey mask guy oh grace has a movie coming out oh yeah yeah no absolutely you're guessing on the pod you got to get a plug in what's uh yeah um yeah frederick and hockey mask guy it might come in like a year it stars me and benjamin harrison from greatest generation oh wow and that is a real feature film that's coming out that you can pay for please i'm in financial ruin because i'm paying for this movie myself she is she's providing the budget it's costing hundreds and hundreds of dollars well yeah we're excited it's

gonna be a hit and i'm sure our bonus episodes on. It's going to be a hit. And I'm sure our bonus episodes on all these bad games will be a hit. Thanks so much, Grace. Thank you, Gracie. Please mention Frederick and Hockey Mask Guy again. I'm going broke.

Great. Done. Thank you to my beautiful child. The greatest child in the world. A lot of people don't know that. Ooh, that's cool. A lot of people think their child is greater

than my child. It turns out my child is the number one child. The rankings are in. Sorry, listener. Your child's bad. I don't know that. Ooh, that's cool. A lot of people think their child is greater than my child. It turns out my child's the number one child. The rankings are in. Sorry, listener. Your child's bad. I didn't say that. Just not as good as mine.

Sure. Bad by comparison. Yeah, mine is superlative. Yours is very good. Okay. Matthew, you know that. You knew that already, right? Oh, yeah, yeah.

You got the best child. Mine sucks. Yeah, your child's not podcasting with us, Matt. Yeah, well, she's 17 months child. Mine sucks. Yeah, your child's not podcasting with us, Matt. Yeah, well, she's 17 months old. She mostly just says, tractor. I don't know how she learned the word, but I said, you're going to have to pick up the pace if you want to get as good as Grace. Yeah, thank you. Pick up the pace, Matthew's child.

Hey, we haven't mentioned this yet, but this is cool. We did a special mashup episode with Stop Podcasting Yourself. Oh, yeah. We didn't mention that. It is called Jordan Stop Podcasting Go Yourself or something. Yeah, I think that's what it is. It's called something like that. This is fun. We got together with Dave and Graham from Stop Podcasting Yourself.

We mashed up some of the favorite stuff from our two shows. We did overheards. We made them do some momentous occasions. I think we got to know us. We got to know us. We think we got to know us. We got to know us. We loved to get to know us. Yeah, Dave and Graham are so, so funny. And it was just a blast to do.

And you can hear that if you go to MaximumFun.org. Join. Okay, so $5 a month or more. It's just a monthly membership. And what's cool is it really goes directly to the Maximum Fun shows that you listen to. The, you know, it pays for the operations of Maximum Fun, but it's, there's no big wig. Bikram, the managing director of Maximum Fun, he doesn't like make a spreadsheet and like red line who gets what money, right? line who gets what money, right? Like if you're a $5 a month member and you listen to Jordan Jesse Go, your five bucks a month is going to Jordan Jesse Go. Like it is a direct relationship and

it means so much to us whenever anybody does it. Look, we'll talk about stuff you get and everything. There's stuff. But let's get back to Chris Fairbanks. Maximumfun.org slash join. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Chris Fairbanks, today's guest. I always wish I had a better one. You've been on the show many, many.

You've had time to workshop this. Yes. Do other people say today's guest? Yeah. Oh, shit. But I think you're, you know, like I invented the trench coat thing. I think you kind of invented today's guest. And I think if people do it, they're probably copying you.

Chris Fairbanks, forensic psychologist. And I want to be clear. Chris invented today's guest. I invented today's special, the Canadian children's television show about the mannequins come to life. I remember there was a guy with a mustache who ate jelly bean sandwiches. Does that sound right? Sounds right. I invented Saturday Night Special, the untraceable handgun.

Oh, good. We're all inventors. Sure. This is an inventions show. Okay. We've been doing this thing called I Read It on the internet. And this one is absolutely magical. Matt sent us this.

This is from r slash money. The subreddit r slash money. This is a listener, Matt, not producer, Matt. Oh, Matt producer forwarded us.

Yeah, I forwarded it. So I get half credit. So thank you. This is from Tom. Sorry. Okay. This is from a listener named Tom.

Thank you, Tom. That map forwarded. Forwarded that map. Forwarded, yeah. And it's from r slash money from user oddlyartemis. The subject line is, my husband is losing his mind over a crow. You know how you post in r slash money for investment advice yeah yeah well my husband is losing his mind over a crow my husband is a good man

all reddit posts should start right my husband is a good man my dryer isn't drying clothes as fast as i'd like my husband is a good. He was in prison briefly in the 1970s. Sure, sure. Just ask Chris Fairbanks. Yeah. These are my neighbors. My husband is a good man, but his career has been complicating our lives only recently.

It hasn't been easy, but it has been a joyous 30 years he's dedicated to his passion, his hot dog stand. His business has picked up through recent months and we've never been happier. When it rains, however, it pours. Recently, he has been impossible to console. His avid customers have been reporting crow thievery nearly every day straight from their wallets. He says he witnessed $5 taken just as he was about to be paid for his hot dog and services. What do I do?

I don't want my husband losing our business over a crow. I believe this just because I know crows, if they don't like the cut of your jib, they will shit on your car no matter where you go that day. Like they and whatever that guy, I think the hot dog man brought in on himself. Crows are known as the aiming-est bird. Yes. They have the most precise bird buttholes.

Like a scut, like when they invented scud missiles. Yeah. So, is this thing suggesting that the crow is swooping in

and getting the money before it gets handed to the hot dog man? Yeah, you would think the crow would want to eat the hot dogs. That's what I kind of assumed this was going. Crows are so smart. They know better than us that hot dogs aren't for consumption.

Right. They're bad for you. And they know. So they're trying to save humans from heart disease. Processed meats cause cancer. It's actually been proven. Just Google crow brain and highlight video, and you will find how smart they are.

Right. You just watch the crow brain highlight videos? Yeah. The rest of us are watching Bo Jackson highlight videos or Victor Wimbanyano. Yeah, I just replay his hip popping out after he got the surgery. After you watch Bo Jackson getting hurt while running.

At the very least, Chris, you should be watching, like, bird flying highlight videos. Yeah. Birds can fly. That would be the number one highlight video would be birds doing cool swoops. Yeah, yeah. More than birds having brains. They are very smart and conniving and vindictive. It's very well established

on this program. I have nothing but contempt for crows. Nothing but contempt. But it sounds like if what Chris is saying is true, if they are kind of acting as kind of dark guardian angels

for the human race, you know, keeping us from our, you know, bad habits, maybe this is part of crow rehab, you know, bad, bad habits. Yeah. Maybe this is part of Crow Rehab, you know? I'll say this. Just recently on Bullseye, in fact, released on Bullseye this very week,

is an interview I did with the genius actor Peter Dinklage. And he told me that when he was working during the early pandemic, when you had to quarantine for weeks in order to go onto a movie set. Yeah. During his quarantines in a hotel room in Canada or wherever he was, he made personal friends with several crows.

And so that is, I feel like, fantasy celebrity Peter Dinklage from Game of Thrones, if anybody knows who's going to be the dark protector of the human race, it's probably Dinklage. Yeah. I don't think Jon Snow knows. You know what I mean? Exactly. Possibly the- Too pure.

Yeah. Possibly the no hair eunuch guy. He would probably know. He might know. Yeah. I had a roommate. Seven of us lived in a house together it used to be nuns lived there anyway and you slowly replaced them over time with comedians yeah yeah it was a first it was six nuns one comedian when i when i

first started living there it was me and five nuns right and then it was chip pope in a habit and then uh and when you first started living there it was just a sitcom on the wb yeah yeah it was and uh with a sad ending because right when we moved in there was a swimming pool in the back and they filled it with dirt and i don't know why that made oh because we were next door to a daycare. So I just had these terrible stories I made up as to why they had to fill the swimming pool with dirt. Fill in the blanks yourself. But anyway, crows would always shit on one... Our friend Kevin's car.

It would be covered with shit. Kevin should have never fucked with crows. Yeah, if you put us all in a lineup, you would say, well, that's the guy that shit on all the cars. Yeah. Yeah, so I don't know. I've always felt that way about Kevin.

Crows are smart. Yeah, well, Jesse, do you think, is there a world where your deeply held belief that crows are evil, is there a world where you reconsider that? Yeah. I would have to get a sort of, first of all, there would have to be a summit of some kind. Okay. Make that happen. get a sort of first of all there would have to be a summit of some kind okay um i think what i'm what i'm thinking about is the summit that led to the formation of the united nations uh you know in the 1940s um because i think i don't think a league of nations type situation

is going to work i think it's going to need a little more juice yeah probably it's going to have to be precipitated by some kind of world war right so we can rebuild from the ashes yeah like there has to be human war i feel like everybody is gonna need to be in a place of sort of a weird combination of desperation and hope right okay like we everybody's got to be on really shaky scary ground having experienced you know the worst of the worst but we're also going to have to have a certain idealism that believes that human beings and crows can team up right join together uh as long as the you know five biggest crows and five most important humans have veto power over everything it's funny i feel that that I'm like, I think of it a lot.

Like, why does everyone, you, people kick pigeons. They, no one cares about pigeons, but doves, the exact same bird

that's slightly smaller and all white. And why are we kissing this raven's ass? Oh, because Edgar Allan Poe mentioned one. I don't know.

First of all, it's called a cloaca. On a bird, it's a cloaca. What is bird, it's a cloaca. What's a cloaca? Cloaca is the hole on the bird where the poop and eggs come out of. Oh, really? They don't have an anus, huh?

No, they got a cloaca. Oh, okay. They're single-holed creatures. Oh, really? They eat from under their tail? Yeah, like the world's worst recorder. Oh, wow. That's amazing.

They play the one note when you blow into them. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I just have always, since the beginning, when I first into them. Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I just since the beginning when I first was interested in stamps I would try my best. Ha! Like I would get. Ha!

I would call crows and they would come to me. Montana is a weird place. There's nothing to fucking do. I was locked in a basement playing with stamps and birds. I mean I'm impressed that in Montana they have basement birds. I was locked in a basement playing with stamps and birds. I mean, I'm impressed that in Montana they have basement birds. I had no idea.

Lousy with them. I couldn't even use the shower. Well, thank you so much for that. I read it on the internet. Send them to us at JJGoAtMaximumFun.org and I think we're going to have a lot of I read it on the internets as we do daily podcasts throughout the MaxFunDrive.

Yeah, we're going to be streaming these live and throwing them in the feed. Little shorties, little check-ins, fun little nuggets for your day. Can I just say, though, they're little shorties, but stack them up. Put a trench coat on them. You can head on over to see Poor Things at your local theater. We're going to put those in the feed only during the drive. After that, they're coming down, and you have to be a member to listen to them. But we want to do a little something special for the next time.

Yeah, send us all your iReddits. We love to read them. Something else we love. And watch the streams if you want to at 930 Pacific, 1230 Eastern. All the days that there are not new Jordan Jesse goes, we will be streaming. Watching, listening, tasting. Sure. Why not?

Taste our show, everyone. But we also got, from a beloved listener, we also got a momentous occasion that Matt's going to play. Matt, you want to play it? Hello, Jordan. Hello, Jesse. Hello, Matt. Hello, guest. I'm going to guess Maria Bamford.

Anyway, Maria Bamford posted that she was going to do a rehearsal with one-on-one at Zoom. And I got picked for it. And I got to do a one-on-one rehearsal with Maria Bamford. That was pretty amazing. That was pretty amazing. Then I started following her on Instagram, and she reposted something from Mr. Jesse Thorne about interviewing people for their jobs. So I emailed that,

and then I got to do a Zoom call with you, Jesse. That was pretty awesome and pretty fun. Anyway, this is Joe from Boston. Love you guys. Talk to you soon. Oh, I remember Joe. Love you, Joe. Can I tell you what the thing was that I talked to Joe about? Yeah you guys. Talk to you soon. Oh, I remember Joe. Love you, Joe. Can I tell you what the thing was that I talked to Joe about? Yeah, please.

Maybe just a little context. Maria Bamford, to workshop new jokes, will just do one-on-one Zooms with people and ask them what they think. I've heard about this. Yeah. I wish. Wouldn't it be great to be Maria Bamford? There's some real challenges there.

I don't want to understate that. But just to bring that much joy into the world. Yeah. What a treasure. And nothing makes me more nervous than the idea of doing standup for one person. Yeah, I know. It's terrifying. She used to do it in real life. Like, I think she only started doing it on zoom during the pandemic, but like she used to do it at a, at a coffee shop near my house. Amazing. Have you seen that special where it starts with her telling jokes to her husband, then it starts with telling some friends on a bench outside their house, then a group while bowling?

I think I'm correct. And then a small theater, and then in the end it's in a big Kevin Hart theater. She's just doing it at the London Palladium or whatever. Yeah. She's at Red Rocks. Great acoustics. So for Bullseye, for the Max Under Eye, we put out special members-only episodes. And on Bullseye, I'm always like, what is this going to be?

Because we made a special edit of an interview I did with Boots Riley from The Coup. Because, you know, he's an old pal. And when he came in to talk about his totally amazing television show, we ended up talking for, like, I don't know, an hour and a half. The Coup, the hip-hop group? Yeah, yeah. You know that guy? Yeah. I love The Coup.

Oh, they're geniuses. I mean, and Sorry to Bother You, amazing movie. His television show, totally amazing. A real genius, Boots Riley. Oh, wow. He also, do you know about the album cover, the pre-9-11? Oh, yeah, where they're blowing up the train. Yeah, that's, oh, he's just smart.

Yeah, he's really something else. He thought of it first. And anyway, we put out an extended cut of that, but we're like, we should do something really special. But, you know, we've done like we did one where Linda Holmes from Pop Culture Happy Hour interviewed me, which, you know, turn the tables. That's always an idea people have. But this year we did something really cool, which is for a while there I was doing a Twitter spaces thing where before twitter became evil uh or as evil it is as it is now yeah on its journey somewhere on a midpoint toward evil twitter's not done yet i um i was doing this thing where i go on twitter spaces and just talk to people about their jobs

um and i had a great great time we got out like, you know, I talked to a listener whose job it was to tend to hooves. She was an itinerant hoof tender. Oh, wow. I talked to somebody who's the curator of the Charles Schultz Museum in Santa Rosa. Another, I think, Jordan Yesigo listener. But anyway, we put out this call on our social media.

Hey, what's your job? job and i the idea was our producers picked people with cool jobs and then i didn't know what their anything about them at all even their job and i just started with hey what's your name and hey what's your job uh and i got to talk to uh i got to talk to joe is an electrician and, and I learned about the long simmering feud between electricians and plumbers. Oh, yeah. Wow. Okay. And all the derogatory nicknames for different trades that different trades call each other. Oh, wow. Which I loved.

Joe is also a relatively recent electrician. So he's like in his 40-ish uh and he's uh and he's only been an electrician for a few years he was a bartender for like decades before that so it was like about what it's like to go into a trade as a totally grown adult rather than dipshit 19 year old sure sure and uh so i talked to joe but i also i talked to a guy who studies dark matter in a hole deep in the ground. I talked to a woman who makes vestments for Buddhist priests as her job. Wow. I talked to a lady who is the curator of a university collection of archaic media devices.

So like Amigas. Mini disc players. Like it starts with magic lantern displays. And I was like,igas like mini mini disc players like it starts with magic lantern displays and i was like i was seem like jobs that were all made up during quarantine i know i was trying to be cute with that woman and i'm like you know my dad's best friend in from high school invented the computer that my dad used to use when i was a kid. It was a giant like suitcase sized portable computer with a screen that was maybe five by five inches. And it was called an Osborne one. And she goes, oh, we have two Osborne ones. Wow.

And I was like, oh, it's totally amazing. And lots of other. I'm the city manager of Weed, California. Oh, wow. I'd love to chew his brain. I know. Do you lean into the name or do you run from it? I mean his brain I know licensing operation for the name good good cause they call anywhere you go there there's a shirt or hat that

says I'm high on weed California yeah it was like it with a trademark they like they caught on fire yeah they like had to start producing road signs that you could buy in the city store so that people would stop stealing the road signs. That's great. Yeah, anyway, it's on the bonus feed if you become a member of Maximum Fun. That's great. Good stuff up there. I am offering it to you along with all the bullshit that Jordan and I have produced over the years.

I'm going to start doing bullseye on a boat that I bought on Craigslist. We already did that. It's hack now. Okay, we did that on Jordan Disico already. Well, yeah, a lot of good stuff up there on the bonus feed, maximumfun.org slash join. We're going to be talking about it

a little bit later, but you don't need to hear about it. Just go. Just go to the website, maximumfun.org slash join. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Disico. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. it just go just go to the website maximumfund.org join we'll be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorne america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy

detective can i tell you something jordan please do i have been engaged in a little something i like to call surveying the media landscape okay cool fun because i got a lot of pals that are podcasters a lot of pals that are podcasters, a lot of pals that are writers, journalists, that kind of thing. It's tough times out there. And the thing that I have been working very hard to do is try and support directly the stuff that I like. I know that like my favorite baseball writers who have been laid off from their publications, I am paying directly to them for their writing. Like, Jordan, I don't want you to think that I am not sending a few bucks a month to Roger Munter, who writes a newsletter

about San Francisco Giants minor leaguers. There you go. Your money's where your mouth is. No, yes, it is a weird time to be working in media. And yeah, a lot of things are going away a lot of things are getting bought by other things and it just fucking sucks for creative people out there it really really does but it's awesome for maximum fun because we have always been directly supported by you like the reason that we are able to keep this a vibrant and healthy show

is that people like you have gone to maximumfund.org slash join, become members and just said like, yeah, this is worth a buck an episode. You know, like I listened to three max fun shows. This is worth 35 cents an episode.

You know what I mean? Like it just making that choice is absolutely incredible. And is what makes this a living, breathing operation here. And yeah, your $8 a month or $10 a month or whatever does not mean a lot to a streaming service, but it means a ton to MaxFun. So if there's stuff out there that you're not using, if there's apps or streaming services that are still on your auto pay that you're not using, if you wanted to move some of that over to MaxFun, it just makes a ton of difference. People who just give five bucks a month really, really make sure that this show and the ones like it can keep going.

Can I use a little example here, Jordan? Please do. I think people will make it feel a little more concrete to people. You mentioned apps, and I think that's the perfect thing to use to describe this. Let's say you're joining at the $10 a month level. Yeah. By going to MaximumFun.org slash join. That is essentially one jalapeno poppers a month. So like one jalapeno poppers a month.

A single popper. You're buying Maximum Fun and your favorite podcasters one plate of jalapeno poppers each month. And that is transformative for us. We need those apps to wet our whistle for the main course. Yeah. Look, we'll get our own main course. Probably ribs.

Yeah. Ooh, that would be nice. I'd love some ribs right about now. Yeah. So, yeah. Hey, if folks go to MaximumFun.org slash join, you're supporting the shows, but you're also getting stuff. We mentioned our BOCO, five bucks a month, our new Gracie's Game Gauntlet show,

Stash Rules Everything Around Me, the Burt Reynolds recap podcast, and hundreds and hundreds of hours of bonus content from all the MaxFun shows. Doing cool, fun, weird stuff, flips on their format, special stuff that's a little too niche for the main feed, but we love doing it, and we love that

folks love it. Membership, frankly, is what allows us to continue to make our entire catalog of Jordan, Jesse, Go! all 7,024 episodes available all the time. You know, there's a lot of shows where those either disappear, they go behind a paywall, whatever. And I hear from Jordan, Jesse, Go! completists all the time. They're out there. Like there's always another Jordan Jesse Go for you to listen to. And the reason is that you become a member of Maximum Fun. Ten bucks a month.

You get all that bonus content and you get one of 40 enamel pins themed to your favorite show. The Jordan Jesse Go bonus pin this year is a big old pluot with tis the season written underneath it. Does it look like a butt? It sure does. Yeah, I think that's what's important. At the end of the day, you're going to want something that looks like a butt. I actually, you know, I was in the, speaking of the gifts, I was in the lobby of Maximum Fun, just like eight feet away from where we're sitting right now.

just like eight feet away from where we're sitting right now. And at my colleague, Katie, our, uh, operations manager, uh, at her desk, there's one of these maximum bag tote bags,

right? This is the most enormous fucking tote bag I've ever seen in my life. It's a real big bag. I was like, I was like, uh, I want that. Yeah.

I was like, give me one of those. Do I get, I know I'm not the only owner anymore. I'm just a worker owner now, but, uh, I think I get one of those. Do I get, I know I'm not the only owner anymore. I'm just a worker owner now, but I think I get some of those, right? Well, got to go. Yoink.

There are, yes, $35 a month. And the thing about these gifts is that they stack. So you're not just picking one. If you give at the higher level, you get everything below it. $35 a month, you get that maximum bag. You get the enamel pin. You got the Boco. And you get what the folks who give at $20 a month, you get that Maximum Bag, you get the enamel pin, you got the Boco, and you get what the folks who give it $20 a month are getting,

which is either the Games on the Go handkerchief or the MaxFun bucket hat. For all those people wanting to relive the 90s and the aughts with a bucket hat. It's got the cool MaxFun Rocket logo and the Games on the Go handkerchief. I guess it's more of a bandana than a handkerchief. It doubles as a chess board. You know what? If you've got a runny nose, it's either one. Listen, you could play chess on it. You could blow your nose.

I would probably do this. I would not go handkerchief first, then bandana. That would not be my recommended order of operations because then you're going to get snot on your neck. Yeah, listen, don't get snot on your neck. But if you want this handsome games on the go kerchief, you can get that with little on the go chess and checkers pieces. And that's perfect. Not just if you want to join a like late 80s pop metal band.

Right. To cover your head. Or you want you're like one of those cute girls in 40s clothes and you want to wear it around your neck with a little knot. Right. It's also perfect if you're a hobo and you need something for your bimbo. There you go. Hobos.

We know you got a little money you're saving in a can or something. If you happen to be one, imagine this. You're riding the rails. You wander through a crab apple field. There's an unlimited supply of crab apples. Certainly you're going to gorge yourself right then and there, but you're getting back crab apple field. There's an unlimited supply of crab apples. Certainly you're going to gorge yourself right then and there, but you're getting back on the train. You got to get on the train.

Your pockets have holes in them. You're not going to be able to store any crab apples in there. You're going to need this kerchief to tie up some crab apples for later and put it on your stick so you can hop back in that box car. Freedom, she's a Colin. Yeah, and there are more levels you can give at if you're a super, super giant MaxFun booster. And we thank all the folks who are doing those higher levels. But honestly, this thing is going because people give five bucks a month.

And we love it. We're so stoked to hear that people go to MaximumFun.org slash join. Warms the heart. Yeah, this is the part where I'm just going to straight up. I'm just going to straight up level and say, hey, you're listening to this. You even made it through this whole discussion of the MaxFunDrive. Right. Please go to MaximumFun.org slash join. Yeah. Thank you. We love doing this show. We love that we get to do it every week. We love that we get to we've gotten to do it for so long when it would have been thrown in the trash by any other podcast network a decade ago.

Yeah. Yeah. The fact that we just get to goof around with our favorite people and we get to be here with Matt running the boards and goofing around with us. It's because of you. It's because of the members. So thank you so much. Without you, we'd be recapping Vanderpump Rules.

Yeah. Actually, that would be pretty good. We should probably do that. We should probably do that. Hold on. Okay. Let's watch. Write that down. Matt, write that down. Yeah. I'm going to do it Yeah. Well, we got, actually, that would be pretty good. Yeah, that would be pretty good. We should probably do that. Hold on. Okay, let's watch. Write that down. Matt, write that down.

Yeah. I'm going to do it now. Oh, shit. I'm stealing it. No, no, no! Well, anyway, Matt stole our idea and now we really need you.

MaximumFun.org slash join. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Chris Fairbanks. I'm a forensic psychologist.

Chris, you're just pitching CBS shows now. And I'm a psychic. Chris Fairbanks. And I solve crimes from a boat with a robot. CSI boat. And I'm weird in some way. I have one weird thing about me. I'm Chris Fairbanks, but in the end, there's a twist.

Can't wait to see what that is. Hi, I'm Chris Fairbanks. I was a movie star about 10, 12 years ago. And I'm still well-respected, but I don't really work in movies that much anymore. No, I solve crimes on CBS. Yes. Your mom will recommend my show when you go home for Thanksgiving. And, you know, it's really a pretty solid example of the genre.

Sure, yeah. Can I just say, you know what I did yesterday? My pal Rene and I, our pal Rene and I, had a singing rehearsal. Ooh. Warming up those pipes. Warming up the pipes.

What are you singing for? So Jordan and I have a live show that is coming up on Sunday, the 24th. Sunday, the 24th. Sunday, the 24th at 3 p.m. Pacific, 6 p.m. Eastern. On Sunday, not Saturday? On Sunday. It's on Sunday.

At the Elysian Theater here in Los Angeles. You can come and see it live or you can watch it live on the internet. Either one. If you're in Los Angeles, please buy a ticket and come. So we have people in the audience. But if you're not, angeles please buy a ticket and come so we have people in the audience but if you're not watch it live on the internet and uh before the pandemic for you know we do like a live streaming grand finale for the max fun drive show every year before the pandemic renee used to host a show that no longer exists on the on the maximum fun Fun Network called Can I Pet Your Dog? And Renee and I made this plan

where for that grand finale show, we would sing Suddenly Seymour from Little Shop of Horrors. Oh, okay. And I have done musical theater once on the Max Fun Drive grand finale show five years ago since high school. So in those 25 years, I did Trouble from the Music Man, standing at a podium looking at the, in those 25 years, I did trouble from the music man,

standing at a podium, looking at the lyrics in one of those shows. That's my sum total musical theater experience at that time. And, um, we, we've got it all set up and I'm not singing. No, this is, this is, this is Jesse. You're just dancing. I'm trying to get Jordan to reveal a talent. I know Jordan has a special talent. We, we learned. I'm trying to get Jordan to reveal a talent. I know Jordan has a special talent. We learned that Kimberly Clark, who's going to be on the show, can do double dutch. We learned that Carrie Poppy can turn her elbow the wrong way. Yeah.

These are the kind of talents we're looking for, and for some reason, Jordan is not delivering any of them. I genuinely can't think of one. I think. Jordan, you've got time. You've got six days. Sure, yeah. Learn something. I'll figure out a card check or something. Get a big old tank of water in there.

Do some of your sweet swim moves. Oh, yeah. I could demonstrate some swimming. Yeah. Jordan, you're great with lassoos. You're thinking of Will Rogers. Oh, okay. But you have a folksy perspective, Ron. I'm here to support jesse it's

jesse's day he's been planning this here's what happened i'm here i'm here to support i'm gonna hurl roses at our guy five years ago i worked with our office manager kt to go on amazon.com and buy red pumps a leopard print dress and a giant blonde wig in my size. Right. Because I will be playing, I should mention, I'll be playing Audrey from Little Shop of Horrors. Oh, okay, okay. And Renee will be playing Seymour.

Yeah, yeah. And we had a rehearsal. It went okay. Sounding pretty good. I'll tell you this. I'll tell you this. Renee has a background as a professional musical theater performer. Toured.

Toured as a musical theater star. Yeah. And she tells me now she has nodules, so she doesn't want to get anybody's hopes up. She has some nodules. Nodules? Nodules on her. You know, people get polyps on their- I think nodules.

I think you're nodules. I'd be writing another U in there. She uses a Jules. Yeah, that'll get you Nodules. She has Nodules. Nodules. Yeah. And so she's insisting that people shouldn't get their hopes up.

But I'll tell you, she sings like a fucking angel. Pipes for days. Now, do I sing like an angel, Chris? No, I don't uh but i have a lot of enthusiasm right i'm committed to the bit that's all it takes so i'm just saying if people miss this show they're gonna be pretty fucking bummed out because this is this is why we do this yeah let me just say chris this is why we do this. To eventually be on stage singing. I've been podcasting. We've been, Jordan and I have been working together for 22, three years.

Gotta be. 23 years Jordan and I have been working together. And the reason is so that at some point we can get up on an internet live stream in a dress and sing. Or in Jordan's case, do some of his signature lasso tricks. Yeah. There's that time you let a snake and a lizard and a spider bite you on the arm. That was the most, I still vividly on the show we worked on.

Yeah. This guy brought in all these animals. I don't know how that ended up happening. You were like, yeah, I'll watch. I'll look at a snake in the eyes and let it bite my arm. It's the most... Jordan, why are you doing that on our live show?

Listen, if we can get an animal guy and a trained EMT to be on it... I could not... When we did that, they did hire an EMT to be there on set. I mean, the jackass guys wouldn't do that. Renee used to be a on set. I mean, the jackass guys wouldn't do that. Renee used to be a personal trainer.

Does that count? Oh, as an EMT? Yeah. If she can revive me. She'd probably name all the muscles. Yeah, right. I'll think of what you can do, Jordan. Okay, yeah.

I genuinely want to. I just can't think. If anybody has any ideas, if I've mentioned anything in the past that could be something to be displayed. I bet you could do the thriller dance. I don't want to hastily. I don't want to learn.

I don't want to do something I'm not good at. You're rehearsing. It's going to bring down the house. To be fair, I'm not good at it, but I am rehearsing. Jesse, you are good. That's true. I am rehearsing. Tell him he's good. There's no doubt I am rehearsing. Tell him he's good.

There's no doubt I'm rehearsing. Tell him he's good. He wants to hear it. No, this is your day, Jesse. I'm not going to steal your shine. Matt, have you worked up a talent yet? We put that to you. No, but I could get a snake for Jordan.

Okay. I mean, that's a talent. Yeah. Wiring snakes. I'll be the guy who gets the snake. That'll be the thing. Just Matt got a snake in a week. Yeah.

And then everyone can clap when who gets the snake. That'll be the thing. Just Matt got a snake in a week. Yeah. And then everyone can clap when I display the snake. It's too bad that Matt doesn't do bone thugs. I've retired as the world's foremost one man bone thugs. Jesse, you're excited about your thing. Don't force people who don't want to do it to do it. You're stoked. This is like your dream. Everybody has a talent. We're showing talent. This is like your dream. Everybody has a talent.

We're showing talent. Yeah, but this is for you. This is for you. It's Jesse's day. This is for the Max Fun Drive. We're tuning in to Jesse. But, I mean, what is Max Fun? But a venue for Jesse to show his shines to all of us.

Maximumfun.org. Chris, do you have any talents? I would think, this is what I would say. If you said to me, Chris Fairbanks is a brilliant singer, I would not be surprised at all because I know how gifted you are in so many artistic fields. I'm in a band called Curb Dogs. We sing rock songs from old skate videos,

but everyone lives in different cities, so it's hard to pin down a gig and stick with it. It was going to be perfect, a 40 and up skate camp up in Oregon. We were going to be able to go there and launch into foam pits and everything and then perform for these campers, basically. Right.

Age appropriate. It's like baseball fantasy camp for elderly skateboard guys and all of our songs are like hey did you skate in the late to the early uh late 90s early 2000s you'll know all these songs so it's very specific but everyone what is it what is it i went to a vocal coach and everything this guy that that is in a rock band that sings very like queen like uh and and he taught me a lot just like about singing high from the back of your throat and singing low from your stomach i didn't how to stand stick out your belly and all of a sudden i could hit notes let me ask you this what is a classic skate video song one's a lot of in my mind all skate videos it's just

songs by the rap group hieroglyphics uh yeah in the like 1993 because yeah one of the most synonymous songs is is 93 till infinity by souls of misischief. That is like an anthem, as is like the 411 opening theme song, which is like a jazz number. So I mouth hum that. I'm not going to rap though. I have a hang up about it. No, that would be weird.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Matt. I no longer do it. Yeah. It was a different time. He was singing too. To be fair, Matt, sing rap. And I did all the voices.

I did Lazy Bone. I did Crazy Bone. I did Busy Bone. You did Stallone. I did Flesh and Bone. I did Stallone Bone. Heads, comma, Cone. And of course...

And Doc. He said Heads, comma, Cone. Chris, I'm like I'm desperate to see your band I would love to I know you guys haven't had any LA shows but I would be so stoked to see you guys if you ever did something in the area

it's three dudes with families and real jobs and it's hard ones and Seattle ones we understand you have a job we're not accusing you of being on the dole I don't we're not accusing you of being a the dole. I don't. We're not accusing you of being a leech on society. I'm ready to go. They are willing to pay to perform, though.

And I'm like, wait, I got to have this make money financially. You know, it's hard. But the songs you would know are bands that let their music be used, like Dinosaur Jr. and, you know, Dead Kennedys, all these old fire hose. So when you do the songs for an audience of skateboard people, are they like, is it like doing Sweet Caroline at the Red Sox game? Yeah, some of them. Yeah, some of the songs are like people singing along in your face

and spitting beer in your face. And I got head butted once and it felt great. That's what you want. That's what you want. That's why you do it. I tell stand up just standing there. And so when I'm singing with this band, I don't know what to do with my arms. Yeah.

I'm like, I just put my leg up on a monitor. But it is out of my comfort zone. I'm like, why am I doing this? And then once I'm doing it, you're going to feel it. Thank you. The electricity once you're on stage. Do you announce the songs? You guys probably remember this from Tony Hawk's Greatest Hits, Volume 4.

What will make the show perfect is if we, whatever song we're doing, we are projecting that video part up on the wall. So even if people don't know this very good song by, you know, a lot of the bands are skateboarders. I didn't even know that. So this is like when they show a movie at the Hollywood Bowl accompanied by the symphony orchestra. Yes, I want to be in an orchestra pit.

We should all be wearing suits and not, we should all be facing the screen because I don't like the, Yeah. facing everyone. It would be great if everyone was watching

You should become a stand-up comedian. You know, I thought, I've been told that. Yeah. But I heard it's very hard. You crack us up

around the water cooler, Chris. It's just hard. You got to get to one of the open mics. I've heard it's hard, the flights and the airports. But yeah, we are going to project the video parts, edit it together.

When you guys Google a song and you end up on YouTube for the song, have you found that no matter what song it is, the top comment is, Tony Hawk brought me here? Oh, wow. Yeah. No matter what the song is, it was in a Tony Hawk game in 2006.

Yeah. Like even song, like even like parliament songs or something. Sure. People are like Tony or Grand Theft Auto. It's either Grand Theft Auto or Tony Hawk. Yeah. Those games like kept a lot of music alive when the genres kind of went out of fashion. Yeah.

Yeah. You're right whoever put together those soundtracks did a did a bang up job it's tony tony likes he he sings have you seen him sing rock songs oh yeah yes i have seen tony hawk sing songs he's pretty good yeah yeah he's pretty good and yeah it has like such a cool taste in music yeah man we gotta get we gotta get tony hawk famous yeah let's do this guys if. All right. I'll do the 900. I'll do the famous skateboard trick. And then I'll do it.

And then I'll do it again when I'm a little older and you think I'm too old to do it. But no, I can still do it. Jordan, let me say this. I don't think, I don't mean to be rude. I don't think that you can probably do a 900. You probably can't. But I do think that probably each of us could do a 300.

So if we get on each other's shoulders. Okay, please join Maximum Fun. We only ask this one time a year and it really is how we pay for everything. So MaximumFun.org slash join is where you go

to become a member. All your perks are there. Don't worry. You're going to get to see what your perks are. Perks for days. And we have the first episode of Gracie's Gaming Gauntlet is up. That's right. Right now.

And, of course, you can hear our whole series stream, Stash Rules Everything Around Me, which is our Burt Reynolds recap podcast. Of course, yeah. The world's number one Burt Reynolds recap podcast, I think. Yeah, I think so too. We have a pretty bitter rivalry with a Tom Selleck recap. Right.

Just because people confuse the podcast. Right. And they're like, oh, the guy with the mustache, different guy. And years and years and years of special episodes of Jordan Jesse Go. Tons of stuff. We've been doing this a long time,

and we've made special episodes all throughout. So if you're a Jordan Jesse Go nut Tons of stuff. We've been doing this a long time and we've made special episodes all throughout. So if you're a Jordan Jesse Go nut, and you know what else? Like the membership is also why our entire catalog, our entire back catalog of episodes of Jordan Jesse Go is available for free.

We don't still get paid from those advertisements from 10 years ago. And we do have to pay for the hosting for those episodes from 10 years ago. Now, yeah, I know for the hosting for those episodes from 10 years ago. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

You know, we're not throwing them behind a paywall. We're keeping them up there for you. Good for you. Maximumfund.org slash join is where you should go. We're very, very grateful to you. And you know what? If you're a member, how about bragging on social media? Do it.

Give a little post. Tag us. We'll repost the post. And if you've got a friend who's not a member how about a little shaming do a little shaming drag their asses you shouldn't fuck up your relationship with them

like I'm not asking you for that but drag their ass but drag them drag them just drag them you know first I would say this

first read them then drag them maybe first read them then block their shine then drag them it's a three step process. Get their asses.

Get their asses. Get their asses. So four steps. Thank you, Jordan. Um, Chris, unless your friend is Nicki Minaj,

if your friend is Nicki Minaj, she's going to come back at you harder. Let it happen. So just let it pass. Unless you are Foxy Brown. I feel like if you're Foxy Brown, you might be able to take it. Like you're maybe not quite as nimble.

But you're fucking ferocious. The last full minute of riffings, I have no idea. Great. That's how I feel very old. I got some skate videos. We're trying to pull young person slang. You're doing an okay job. I'm doing all right.

Let me talk more about late 90s skateboarding. What's your favorite Descendants song? Yeah, MaximumFun.org slash joy. I know, yeah. MaximumFun.org slash joy. I would love to hear you guys do. Please do our favorite Descendants songs, Chris. Oh, yes. Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Thank you, Matthew.

Yeah, I'm so good. And hey, Chris, you doing any stand-ups anywhere around people can check out yeah if this comes out in time I'm in Bozeman and Missoula Montana

March 22nd and 23rd with my pal Brooks Whelan hell yeah and after that I don't know

I gotta get a new booker maybe there's new bookers listening I gotta get a new book cause I've got some plane flights coming up oh yeah yeah oh yeah that's what I think I retired. I gotta get a new book because I've got some plane flights coming up. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's what I should talk about.

I've been reading a new book. Yeah. And of course, people can listen to Do You Need a Ride? The fantastic podcast with you and Karen Golgaroff. Yes, yes. Still doing it, going strong as ever. It's been more fun than in the last few years. We've reached a new groove.

Two of the greatest and most hilarious in the entire world. Oh, thanks. You really could not do better than Chris Fairbanks and Karen Kilgareff on a podcast. That's high praise because I think the same of you two. You started this shit. That's very true. This is the first podcast by the first ever comedians. It's true.

It's absolutely true. We also invented bronze. Yeah, in the casting of things. A great metal. Alloys. Alloys is something that we discovered. Jordan and Jesse Goh really is the hour gang of little rascals. Maximumfun.org slash join.

Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Thank you very much. Join us on social media and join us on our live streams, maximumfun.reddit.com, at Jordan underscore Morris and at Jesse Thorne on Twitter, on Instagram at Jordan David Morris

and at put.this.on. We're also on Twitter at Jordan Jesse Go. I think the Max Fun YouTube channel, all of these venues will have, StreamYard permitting, all of these venues will have our streams. Yes. We're excited for you all to join us. We're excited for our big show.

And we're excited because you support us. We love you. We love you. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.