Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Creed 2: Cruise Control, with Joe Kwaczala feat. Ashkon Davaran

Episode Date: September 28, 2023

This week's JJGo features not one, but TWO amazing guests: comedian Joe Kwaczala and college-friend-of-the-pod Ashkon. Join us for a poignant discussion on  music cruises, old-timey nursery rhymes, and a Nas parody song about Pluots.If you're in LA TONIGHT 9/28 come see Joe live at Dynasty Typewriter to celebrate his album release!Check out all of the delicious options at Nuts.com/jjgo. You’ll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more!You can get $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/JJGO to start your subscription.Jordan wrote a brand new graphic novel called Youth Group which you can pre-order now! Listen to Ashkon's new single Roses RIGHT NOW! It's great!

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Can you imagine this, that my six-year-old hates stone fruit? Can you imagine going through an entire summer without stone fruit? Now, here's the first thing that popped into my head. Okay.

Can I guess? Sure. Georgia peaches. Oh, yeah. If you're talking stone fruit. Right. And they look so much like asses. That's what I love about them.

They're great. They're great for both eating and comparing to acid. Sure, yeah. Which are also great for eating. I'm a millennial. Thank you. You're welcome. So am I.

Yeah. Now, you're a big advocate of stone fruits. Oh, I mean, when they're in season? Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Not out of season. I'm not going to be eating fucking nectarines in February like an asshole. No. But yeah.

When they're in season, you're going wild. It's the height of summer or even late summer. Yeah, I'm going bonkers on these fucking stone fruit. Now, I know you mentioned this is your six-year-old. Yeah, Frankie. year old and yeah frankie you know usually usually the lashing out against your parents happens at like 12 or 13 but do you think this is just a situation of like i don't want your life dad i don't i'm not right i'm not just a carbon copy of you i'm not just your mini me. I'm my own person. Are you suggesting fruits that you love

and cherish so much that not for me? Do you think that Frankie is going to grow up to join the military and become a CPA? Yeah, maybe. It's possible. Only listen

to commercial radio. She is glad to remind me that she hates me. I mean, that is a common leitmotif in our relationship. The other day, she was going out somewhere with Meemaw, who's her grandmother. And I go, okay, sweetie, well sweetie well have fun do you want a hug before you go and she goes yes and i'm holding my arms out like this and she just punched me in the stomach good bit i know unexpected it's really soft maybe she's you're looking for a

zig and you got a zag maybe she's going into the family business after all. But yeah, I mean, the point is- Punching? No, doing bits. How much of your income comes from punching? Doing bits. Oh, okay. Well, you'd be surprised how much my income comes from punching, Jordan.

You don't know what I do at night. You're right. I have no idea. Literally no idea. I'm out on the streets. Quick question. How did you guys land on Meemaw? I want to keep talking about the stone fruit, but I guess i didn't know that your kids referred to judy is

this no no judy is nana nana okay no one wanted to be grandma right grandma was right out fully rejected my dad was fine with being grandpa so he was always grandpa lee right my mom refused grandma i mean these people these people think they're going to live forever and they think the way to do my these people i mean the most beloved members of my family sure they think they're going to live forever and they think the way they're going to do it is by coming up with a different name for grandma or grandpa so they think that if as soon as they're grandma or grandpa, well, it's all over for them. They're never fucking again.

But if they're named Pop-Pop, then they're good to go. Sure, yeah. Grandma, you know, celibate, mitten, cats, meemaw. Meemaw fucks. Yeah, I think that's at the heart of it. So at the end of the day, if you're a millennial like myself and your parents need a name, you have to give them the power to choose a name. Because they're already mad that they don't get to choose the baby's name or religion or whatever. And so you have to let them choose their own honorific me all me

ma's great by the way i just want to say i i love me mom just kind of i love me i got there she's taking care of my kids right now god bless my god wonderful woman me mom tremendous woman pop pop he's a winner too like so i'm probably dead so he's not contributing much anymore i remember my my dad's beloved musical artist was elton john and growing up when i felt the need to lash out against my father i would you know say that elton john sucked and that it was sucky and but i think that i you know i think i secretly liked it and definitely like as an adult have really grown to love Elton John. But I think I just, you know, I needed, I needed a way, I needed a way to hurt him.

Yeah. I felt that way about the Chieftains. Sure. I think we all. The Chieftains were playing in my house. Jesus fucking Christ. Can I listen to any more fucking penny whistles? But do you think.

And now I hear it. I'm like, oh, this is pretty fucking dope. I guess I like Irishish traditional irish music um do you think you know frankie sneaks in some sneaks in some nectarines into the bedroom and you know once everybody's all tucked in and the lights are off secretly goes to town on stone fruit but just doesn't want you to know because then you will have won. That would make me so happy. Nothing could make me so happy as my six-year-old. If you found secret pits in the sheets.

Yeah. Better than piss in the sheets. Why are these socks so stiff? Right. Oh, it's from peach juice. It's from peach juice. I wipe my face with socks. Yeah. Anyway, it's stone peach juice. It's from peach juice. I wipe my face with socks. Yeah.

Anyway, it's stone fruit season. I'm just worried. Yeah. That's all. I'm excited about stone fruit season, and I'm going to go ahead and say, that's a tease for our next segment. Oh, yeah. Not our next segment.

The next segment. The next, later on in the show. Later on, there'll be more stone fruit content. We've got some pretty exciting stone fruit content. If your content whistle is wet it's about to get even wetter and do you remember our friend dan grayson from college i do dan great i believe believe wonderful guy i think i our senior year of college his senior year of college he set out to make the greatest work of art of which he was capable and he would tell me about it a lot did that specifically out to make the greatest work of art of which he was capable. And he would tell me about it a lot, specifically that it was the greatest work of art of which he was capable.

And it involved him writing and recording rock songs, making beautiful paintings of naked ladies. Yep. Not exclusively, but substantially. And then creating an automated light show that complemented the other two. It was like the Gestundenswerk or whatever that's called. What do they call opera? The Gestundenswerk? I don't know. Yeah. Yeah, some shit like that.

Anyway, I just feel like later on in the show when we return to the topic of stone fruit you're going to experience my gustun tensferk this is the greatest work of art of which i am capable my god amazing yeah i'm i'm really proud so we're just gonna we're just gonna wrap up the podcast like for good after after this is this is this the final episode no no no no no no no no no we're not going out on top buddy okay we're gonna cling to every last listener as they bail for other podcasts exactly like i like this i like this down with the ship as long as as long as we still have people listening to this who don't know that there's a lot of other podcasts that have started since we started this podcast. And if you're listening, there aren't. He's joking.

Should we introduce our guest on the show and find out how he feels about Stone Fruit? He's a stand-up comic and writer. He's got a new album coming out in September called Funny Songs and Sketches. Joe Quasala. Hi, joe how are you hi i'm good thanks for having me where do you stand on stone fruit joe gang i had to google what it was oh wow i feel stupid how do you you're a berry guy right is that why you're just so i found i found a list that was very i mean listen google came through, gave me 14 common types of stone fruit. And, you know, I found what you guys are talking about. I mean, context clues out of the gate from what you were saying.

I got that we were talking about peaches and nectarines and things. I imagined fruit like that. I got a little upset that down the line on this list, they have olives. Yeah, that seems like bullshit. Yeah, and it reminds me of when people try to be like, oh, well, you know, this thing is also a fruit. And you're like, I think you're maybe getting bogged down

on some sort of scientific designation. Did you know nothing is a nut? Nothing's a nut. There are no nuts. Everything is a legume. Right. And it's just like, can you just relax? Yeah.

No, I know. I'm looking at the list of stone fruit and I'm going to be honest. Fucking coconuts get off the list. Yeah. You know, what are you doing on there? Why don't be a husk fruit or whatever yeah sure it's a bonkin fruit yeah you are made for falling and bonking but what bonks better than a coconut i dare you to name something that bonks better

than a coconut this claims that a mulberry is a... There are berries in the list and blackberries. And so it starts to be like, okay, well, does this have any meaning? Right. What are words? Nothing we think is anything is that. So I'm going to go down the list real quick here. Do you know that pizza's a dog?

All right. If there's any fruit listening, I'm going to go down the list real quick and just give a quick thumbs up, thumbs down on whether it's a stone fruit. Peaches, yes. Absolutely. Plums, yes, of course. Cherries. Doesn't feel right, and that's what we're going off of. Going to say no.

Nectarines, yes. Apricots or apricots, yes. Mangoes, absolutely not. No fucking way. Lychees. Now, here's something interesting. Absolutely not. No fucking way. Lychees? Now here's something interesting. I'm going to go yes on lychees. Raspberries?

No way, Jose. Blackberries? Absolutely not. Mulberries? Give me a fucking break. Olives? Are you shitting me? It's like at this point we're being trolled, right?

Well, I'm willing to accept dates. Okay. Why not? That's fine. you you can i got some nice dates i got some nice pitted dates at the farmer's market i've really been enjoying them and i'm i'm willing to welcome them to the stone fruit party can i ask if there is a list of criteria that you're going off of mentally or is this just impulse? I mean, I think my personal definition of stone fruit, I guess it would be, I mean, obviously I'm not reading directly from the dictionary. I don't have the OED open in front of me, but I would say peach type shit. Sure. Like shit like peaches. Peach or similar.

And is that just, I mean, are we talking texture and shape? Does that also include flavor? I guess kind of some cumulative total that I guess would compare. Well, I mean, of course, here's this ultimate guide to stone fruit that I'm reading. We're talking apricots, cherries, nectarines, plums, pluots, apriums, and sweet summery peaches. Now, obviously no one knows what an aprium is. No.

But other than that, that's all. I'm totally fine with that. If you want to throw cherries in there, yeah, okay. Fair enough. You know what I mean? Like that's totally fine. I mean, if we're going by personal definitions yeah what's in our heart to me to me to me jordan can i ask your personal opinion just look in your heart and tell me your personal opinion in my heart to me

they gotta be sticky right yeah i think that's a great point element of juiciness crucial juiciness stickiness decadence nastiness nastiness yes they gotta be freaky they'll do whatever on the first date man they don't care i think i would like to i think if you just imagine like a like a chubby little boy with cherry cheeks. Mm-hmm. And he's wearing like one of those little white dresses that all children under six wore until like 1925. I was this boy, Jesse. This is a Buster Brown type figure. Yeah.

Absolutely. 100. There's a thousand percent of right thank you for thank you for naming what we were all thinking joe wait so this is a buster brown but not a little stinker no he's a stinker for sure this kid's a stinker i mean this guy's buster brown this guy's uh who's the kid who sticks his thumb in the pie and pulls out a plum peter peter peter pumpkin eater this guy's jack uh, who's the kid who sticks his thumb in the pie and pulls out a plum? Peter. Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater. Jack Horner? What did Jack Horner do? Maybe it's Jack Horner. I think it's Jack Horner.

Little Jack Horner. He sat in the corner. Right. Eating his curds in wet. See, listen, that's what I thought too, but I stopped myself. Because that is a spider's tail. There's no place here. What's an arachnid? God, we get into a whole a whole other semantic debate a little jack horner a spider's tail it's part of that failed universal monsters universe jack horner colon rise of a corner. A corner will rise.

It was going to be Tim Roth. Tim Roth was all set up to be Jack Warner. Oh, yeah, he would have been great. He would have been great. So my point is that if you can imagine the flesh of the fruit adorning the, like dripping down the corners of that little boy's mouth, then I think it counts as a stone fruit so are we gonna are we going to retract date i know you were already excited to put date into the stone category i don't think that really passes the new material that's a great point and i take date out

date you're absolutely right that's really big of you jesse that's really cool well i'm'm not big. Yeah, big man. Everybody knows that about me. Big. Joe, I have something I want to ask you about. Is it about Jack Horner? Because I am looking it up. Okay. Yeah. Okay, give me your top three Jack Horner facts.

Wow. I mean, what a good boy is he? That's got to be number one, right? He's a pretty good boy is he? That's gotta be, sure. It's gotta be number one, right? He's a pretty good boy. Uh, number two, uh, come,

uh, originates from the Tudor period of good period, England, England's, uh, dynasty. And then, uh,

it's the thumb. I mean, just the, he, he's using his thumb and that's, you know, one of his signature moves. So I'm checking out the original earliest known version of Jack Horner, which, I mean,

obviously you guys know that it's from Henry Carey. Henry Carey from 1725. Yeah. Yeah. Namby Pamby. Now he sings of Jackie Horner sitting in the chimney corner, eating of a Christmas pie, Horner sitting in the chimney corner eating of a Christmas pie, putting in his thumb.

Oh, fi putting in. Oh, fi his thumb pulling out. Oh, strange. A plum. This is kind of before they got the hang of rhyme schemes.

Sure. What do you think? Or what was interesting? Joe, Joe, you, I think, I think you and I are both total fucking horner nuts um a couple horn dogs over here yeah how do you feel about thomas love horner nut is not a nut just

want to quickly thank you right sure it's a legume it's all legumes everything's legume joe how do you feel about thomas love peacock's version from his satirical novel melon court uh and that especially that opening recitative. Sure, of course. Well, you know, what was really exciting about it was the capitalization of Christmas Pie. Like I thought that, you know, because obviously, I mean, I don't need to say it, but as we all remember, Jack Horner's Christmas Pie, my learned nurse, interpreted to me in the public purse from fence, a plum he drew. Oh,

happy Horner who would not be ensconced in thy snug corner. Yeah. I'm so fucking sick of this guy in his fucking corner. Oh my God. I mean, people talk about how great he is and sure. I understand. I used to be a fucking total stand for this guy.

Then I started thinking about how snug his fucking corner is and how it never comes out you know what i mean it started to become a bit of a smug corner if i can i just say i'm gonna go ahead and offer what i think is probably the best version uh that educators created uh from of course the renowned history of little jack horner from the 1820s okay please um in that story of course jack horner who isn't proud of himself instead instead of showing his greed he gives the pie to a needy woman and we say now let every good boy with a sweetmeat or toy not slyly sneak into a corner, but to playmates repair and give them a share. Thank you very much. It's really beautiful.

If only I had a sweetmeat. Yeah. Have you guys ever given your playmates a sweetmeat? What do you guys think is a funnier next step for this i'm gonna give you two options great thanks jordan hey you know i could okay i'm gonna do it and then i'm gonna reset hey uh i know you were talking about how this was originally supposed to be part of a cinematic universe um you know they had all the plans laid out they had all the movies announced and at some point jack horner was was going to fight Jack Reacher.

Okay. Option one. That's a lot of fun. So Jack Horner fights Jack Reacher, the famous super spy. Yeah. Hey, you know, they had a cinematic universe laid out for this. And you, you know, you could see all the plans. And at some point, Jack Horner was going to fight Wee Willie Winky.

No, I think that's a lot of fun to say Wee Willie Winky. Me too. Is that what they called dicks back then? Yeah. No, I think it's just a sleepy boy. Was the Willie Wee or was Willie Winky Wee? I think it's probably that Willie Winky was Wee, but it does seem like the Willie was Wee.

Let's see. Let me just go down the lyrics here. This is the original text, 1841 in Scots, alongside a paraphrased English version from 1844. Willie the Ween Winky rins through toon upstairs and doonstairs in his nicked goon, trilling at the window, crying at the lock. Right.

And the ween's in their in their bed for now it's 10 o'clock so yeah i think it is about dicks yeah i mean that sounds pretty that's pretty straightforward that did you say trilling at the window uh yes trilling at the window and i think uh english version tapping at the window i think trilling at the window seems seems ahead of its time right yep we Willy Winky we stand a wee legend hey Willy Winky

are you coming in the cat singing purring sounds to the sleeping hen the dog spread out on the floor and doesn't give a cheap but here's a wakeful little boy who will not fall asleep. Eat those wakeful little boys.

Oh, fucking. And you know what's worse? This dog doesn't give a cheap. That's a you really do not like to see that rumbling, tumbling roundabout, crowing like a cock. What is this? What does this kid do with his sweet meat

we don't even know i don't i kind of don't want to know i kind of don't well yeah you know it's fucked up uh don't ruin we willie winky for me yeah whoa jordan what did you come here to cancel we willie winky sorry yeah i'm sorry are the woke police out for fucking Wee Willie Winky now? Gee whiz. Yep. I know. Sorry. It's Barbie or nothing for me.

The only entertainment I recognize is Barbie. The movie. You know the Muffin Man? No. Hold on. The Muffin Man? Yeah. He lives on Groovery Lane.

Yeah, that's right. Great lane. Good guy. Good guy. Great, great. You know what? Great muffins. They're great.

I'm enjoying this. I'm loving this new segment on Jordan Jesse Go. We look at the nursery rhyme section of Wikipedia. Sure. Finally finally some content uh joe i did have something i was specifically wanting to ask you about is that right jordan can do you mind if we start a nursery rhyme recap podcast jordan jesse go over sure okay great uh joe you do a great podcast it's called uh who cares about the rock hall you are obsessed with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. This is correct.

A lot of great guests on that. You've had a Jimmy Pardo. You've had a River Butcher. A lot of Jordan, Jesse Go overlap. The folks who really like this show. In your time giving musical hot takes, have you run into any like fandoms that you've made mad? Ooh, yeah.

To the point where, like, I don't want to say it. Oh, wow. Okay. Does it rhyme with Schmeely Dan? I mean, no. Every Steely Dan fan I've met has been cool as a cucumber. Not surprised. Here's what I will say is that, you know,

when the nomination list comes out every year, we will cover those bands. And last year, Duran Duran was nominated for the first time. Okay. And we like Duran Duran at the show. But at the same rate, you know, we like to joke around, goof around. You guys are a bunch of goofballs. But you do not do that.

Wow. You do not do that with Simon Lebon, John Taylor, Andy Taylor, the third Taylor, Nick Rhodes. I found that the Duran Duran fans, many of them were lovely. They were very excited about the induction of Duran Duran, but some of them were a little too rabid. And I did not care for that. Hmm.

The, you know, back in the day of making little jokes on Twitter, the only two fandoms I ever pissed off on Twitter with a little joke were Bernie Sanders people, which got terrifying. And Lana Del Rey people made a joke about Lana Del Rey. Those people really, like, have a Google alert out for her name and came came hard yeah you know i think there's some pop stars who have bots like oh yeah bot armies that will uh come for you uh maybe me and i don't know the the percentage wise of literal bots and stands like real people who are obsessed but what's the bot to stand ratio would you say i would love one bot yeah have a have a breakdown of every every artist and their bot to stand ratio

uh with with pie charts but um yeah it's people get really aggressive and it's it's too bad because music is supposed to be about you know having a good time i think why did you fucking shit on duran duran then if music's supposed to be about having a good time oh man that but is the good time what it was was it was our guest said something about how he samuel laban he was like samuel laban not like the greatest singer but good for for the band. It was a compliment. How dare that person? How dare that person? And it resulted in bad reviews on Apple Podcasts and, you know, ratings.

Yeah, all that kind of stuff that's like, what are you, relax. How many people gave you negative Duran Duran reviews on iTunes? A handful, give or take. Extraordinary. Joe, we've also been discussing on the podcast the phenomenon of the

music cruise. Of course, I wrote the amazing song Creed Cruise about the Creed Cruise. Matt, just play a little bit of that. Thank you. Okay, Matt slipped in a couple seconds of that. We appreciate that we all remember how funny that was really good if i may creed creed to cruise control

fuck man i can just say that yeah no thank you uh that was great thank you for saying it um if you want to say it again later i just might yeah that would be great thank you so much man that was really really really, really good. Maybe we'll make it the title of the episode. I think it's got a, it's a strong contender. Gesamtkunstwerk. Okay. Sorry.

Of course, you know what I'm talking about now. Of course, I'm talking about Gesamtkunstwerk. I didn't before, but now I definitely do. I didn't before, but now I definitely do. Creed, so as a music person, would you ever do one of these themed cruises? There's a 311 one. There's a Weezer one. I don't know that I would do a cruise,

a non-themed cruise. Wouldn't cruise. I don't know. I don't know. I've never done a cruise. The idea of it does not appeal to me. But also, I would love to know what the itinerary is for these band cruises. What's, I don't, yeah, I don't know.

What's the price? What am I doing every day? I'm not the type of guy who's like, I really want to be isolated with people who like the same music as me. And I want to be surrounded by water. These are my two kinks. Yeah, I don't know that there's anything that would draw me like that. I'd go on a music cruise in a second. Yeah, Jesse, you have cruised, you've cruised for fun and leisure. I've had, not only have I paid to go on a cruise as a participant in a cruise, uh, I've promoted, I've had, I've put on two different theme cruises. Uh, many years ago we had a max Fun Cruise called BoatParty.biz, the Atlantic Ocean Comedy

and Music Festival. And it was a fucking great time. I'm not, look, if you're talking about who loves cruises and you're pointing out their like cultural characteristics i don't think you would land on me as a non-drinker who enjoys urban adventure travel and uh you know what it turns out all you have to do is like soft serve if you like soft serve you're gonna fucking love cruises because you get unlimited soft serve it's dangerous it's fucking tremendous at every level you don't need to like go platinum or like all levels get the soft serve you have to pay extra if you want as many drinks as you can drink or whatever but if you want as much soft serve as you can there is one of the decks has a soft

serve machine that's always on and always available to you it's incredible but that's incredible what happens joe is always on always available it sounds like my man wee willy winky and now we're talking to him uh that guy's a heart is a stone fruit if you know what i mean i don't um okay now i'll explain it later joe um what basically what happens on the cruise is i haven't ever been our friend jonathan colton has a huge cruise uh joe co cruise crazy which i i haven't ever actually ever been on but you basically the cruise is like the least demanding vacation ever the most vacationy vacation ever. So the ship goes to places where there's like a beautiful beach or, you know, you can do paragliding or whatever. But mostly,

you just read a book, go in a warm pool, play some basketball, have some soft serve, whatever. And if that was the whole cruise, it would get old pretty fast. But what's nice about the theme cruise is then a fun thing happens. So like on boatparty.biz, we had, I think it was four nights or something like that. And we had, you know, we had standup shows and music shows. And then in the afternoon we'd, you know, there's like, you'd have a little extra thing, you know, like a little panel where you can ask people about something or you have a little theme party, uh, or, you know, just, just fun stuff to mix people together. And it's a pretty good time. And there's a lot, I mean, there's really a lot

of fucking, I think. I would hope so, right? You know, that just seems like a perfect time and place for it. Right, because it's so low demand. You know what I mean? You're just like, well, might as well fuck it. That would be nice. What you're describing seems a lot of fun, especially because of the variety aspect of it, right?

And so you're not unlike the shows you produce. You have a wide array of comedians and musicians involved. What I'm curious is when you have it centered around just one thing, just one band. Well, they bring their friends, Joe. Right, but if it's a band, do they bring... I mean, I guess i have seen that some bands have brought comedians like i'm curious like how far outside of the kind of world do you

reach if you are a well joe eleven think about the gathering of the juggalos okay as i do often yeah hold that in your mind and heart if you you think, what is the Gathering of the Juggalos? Is this just five insane clown posse concerts in a row? We already saw that show. Well, of course that wouldn't be any fun. Even with the special bridge where you can buy any drug. What the Gathering of the Juggalo is, is it's a collection of events around the spirit of juggalowness and that's what

the best of these cruises i think would be is sure there's a there's an insane clown posse concert maybe there's an acoustic insane clown posse concert as well or maybe they uh they do an all b-sides acapella They do an acapella concert. Well, that's the thing. Do the insane clown posse bring acapella? Do they bring pentatonics? Probably. It would be a thing where you wouldn't be surprised

if you saw them on the lineup. Yeah. But they have, you know, at the Gathering of the Juggalos, they have a big professional wrestling match that our friend Colt Cabana wrestles at. They have, you know, they get Ice Cube and Andrew WK to come. Yeah, I guess what I'm curious about, though, you know, the Juggalos, the Insane Clown Posse, that's like a very established community. Right. community right but for some of these cruises where it where it is say creed right or a band

that like i am not i don't maybe i don't know about the strength of their community the way that i do i know about you know the the juggalo brotherhood sure the number of times that I've been down or blue and I've reached out to my fellow Creed freaks. That's good. That's very good. Just to ask for their support or ask if they have a van I can borrow. Asking, can you take me higher? If I have to move a sofa. Right.

Ask what? ask what at the Creed Cruise is there just like is there just like a presentation on patio furniture you know yeah I mean durable patio furniture if you think that

what if you end up with fucking Green Day style patio furniture you end up with semi-sonic style patio furniture. Like if you're a creed freak like me, there's only one kind of patio furniture that's going to cut the mustard. I did a little reading up on musical cruises today. Of course, I went on the website

cruisemummy.co.uk Sure. And if Cruise Mummy is out there, good luck in your battle against Cruise Dracula. And congratulations on creating your Gesamtkunstwerk. Right. We did briefly

get a Cruise Mummy that was going to be a part of the Universal Monsters extended universe. That was going to be in phase three. No, we got Tom Cruise as the mummy. Oh, my God, Joe. We did. I mean, I'm not here riffing. I'm here to tell the truth.

We didn't get any more cruise mummy though sadly yeah what could what could have been um but here are three here are three cruises from the cruise mummy.com music cruise list could you read a few more cruises? After you do these three, can you do three from the FraserMummy.com? I will, yeah. I want to hear from you which one you would most want to go on. Gun to your head. You got to go on one of these cruises. Which one do you want to go on?

And then which one do you think is the most expensive? I have the prices here. Okay. So we're talking about money expensive. Money expensive. Not just like emotional energy. Right. Got it.

Emo's Not Dead. Proof that emo, prove that emo, I'm collecting their spelling here. Proof that emo music wasn't just a phase with this rocking cruise that is headlined by Dashboard Confessional and Under Oath, as well as featuring Newfound Glory, Plain White Tease, and others. You can even challenge members of Under Oath in an appropriately named game, I Hate My Family Feud. Let me just say, solid. Quick note, Plain White Tease kind of sticks out as not a part of the established genre. It does a little bit. Again, emo's a little mur the established genre. It does a little bit. Again, emo's a little murky for me.

It's never one that I got into, and I know it's a broad tent, but the plain white tees. I don't see it. I don't see it either. I bought tickets to the emo cruise, but just to see the yin-yang twins. Right. The Malt Shop Memories Cruise. the good old days can salt do they have phosphates the good old days can be found sailing the caribbean on the malt shop memories cruise set to take aboard the decks of holland america's neo amsterdam the 50s and 60s music cruise will set sail from fort lauderdale to Aruba with four days at sea.

Favorites from a bygone era set to perform include Paul Anka, The Temptations, Little Anthony, Jay and the Americans, The Letterman, Al Jardine, founding member of the Beach Boys, Darlene Love, The Bronx Wanderers, and more. Highlights among the ship events range from a senior prom and sock hop to game shows and karaoke. Little Anthony is there there but the imperial imperial dead long gone dead they were thrown overboard for taking too much shrimp oh man you can have so much shrimp uh electronic dance music fans 21 and older can turn up in early 2024 to the Groove Cruise, sailing on Norwegian Cruise Lines Private Island, sailing to Norwegian Cruise Lines Private Island, Great Stirrup Cay.

And the Bahamas Groove Cruise departs from Miami. And you'll see Tiesto, Diplo, and John Summit, plus a remarkable list of dance music stars such as Allie and Fila, Boris, Craig Connolly, Disco Lines, Haylene, and Joel Corey. I mean, that's 10 of my favorite names I've never heard before. There are fun theme party nights focusing on everything from an 80s prom to fire and ice. Off the dome, which cruise are you going on and which one do you think is the most expensive?

I'm going to go on the Malt Shop Memories cruise. I will be joining Jesse on the Malt Shop Memory cruise. I mean, I think, I don't know who's in The Temptations in 2023, but I bet they put on a good show. You know what I mean? Joey Temptation, Johnny Temptation, CJ Temptation. Eddie Kendricks III or whatever. He might not have the voice that grandpa had, but you know, he can still do the moves. You know what I mean? Yeah. You turn over your temptations. I mean, I saw the village people recently and, you know,

it's mostly people who were not village people at one point but you know some of these bands you could just uh bring in a new class and yeah throw a construction worker outfit on them yeah certain bands it's easier to uh to keep the character going but i mean at the end of the day like you got a chance to go see darling love that's gonna be fucking great sure that's that alone worth the price of admission you know what i mean i think i'm joining you guys on the malt shop cruise uh also probably maybe uh something that happens a lot on the malt shop cruise someone sidles up to you and whispers a racist joke yeah that seems likely whispers if you're lucky. Yeah. And I think the mall chop cruise is the best opportunity to truly demonstrate this year's Jordan, Jesse, Ghost, Logan. Pussy's still good.

Pussy's still good. Like if you're out there banging around on the mall chop cruise, congratulations. You're living the dream. You know what I mean? Yeah. You're not a grandma or a grandpa. If you could, yeah, if you-fuck the EDM cruise. Hopefully.

Which, you know, I'm familiar with the level of sexual activity that happens in retirement communities. Right. And, you know, I think it's a very real possibility. And, you know, I think it's a very real possibility. If there was a world where these two cruises could happen on different decks of the same ship and there could just be an ever-expanding fuck meter. Yeah, I think that's a great idea. The most expensive, what was the first one? Emo Cruise.

Oh, the Emo Cruise is the most expensive one, in my opinion. Because that's the people who are really riding their, you know, they're in that fat, juicy money part of their life. Joe, what do you think? See, I feel like the emo crowd are millennials and they were never able to really acquire the wealth. Oh, right, because of the fucking avocado toast toast yes yeah that's what i'm saying yeah if only they didn't go to freaking starbucks to get their damn lattes all the time yeah make your own latte joe that's hilarious thank you so much i've been running it at the comedy store show um no but i i do think the edm I just feel like there are a lot of people with a lot of disposable income who love EDM and DJs like going to Vegas and spending a ton of money to go nuts with this. So my guess is the EDM. Joe, had you heard of any of those acts on the EDM cruise?

Diplo. I'm familiar with the name Diplo. Wait, Diplo was on the EDm cruise uh diplo i'm familiar with i'm familiar with the name diplo i wait diplo was on the edm cruise yeah yeah i've heard of diplo too i'm switching to edm the only thing that can make us wrong is that is that old people are rich and they would pay a lot to go see the temptations but if if diplo's there do they mention if there's Duplo? No, just Legos. So watch out bringing littler kids because they can swallow Diplo. Yeah, they could choke.

You don't want to choke on Diplo. You guys ready for the answer? Please. Emo Cruise. Of course, there's ranges here. So I'm taking the cheapest cabin on all of these. But if you want to upgrade to whatever. Can I have the nice here. So I'm taking the cheapest cabin on all of these. But, you know, if you want to upgrade to, you know, whatever. Can I have the nice cabin?

Captain's portal or whatever. Since you're taking the cheap cabin, can I have the nice one? Yeah, sure. You're fine. I want a window and everything. Yeah. The Captain's portal is yours. Thank you.

But these are all the least expensive cabins on all these. Emo Cruise starts at $990. Okay. That's a good value. EDM Cruise starts at $1,500. Holy cow. Okay. Malt shop cruise, $2,699. That's the cheapest berth? That's the cheapest. It starts at $2,699. Do you get to suck off a temptation? No, you, yeah. Ooh, one of the Americans, Jay and the Americans.

Okay. Can suck off one of those fellers. You know, Paul Anko. Hey, I got to take care of an American real quick. You want to take a break and then come back for more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Jordan, I saw that there's a new episode of Shooting the Breeze for members of Maximum Fun. Yes, very exciting. John Hodgman and I, once a year-ish, do a single episode of a cheese-based podcast for all the folks who support Maximum Fun. And this is really cool. So we love doing this. It's super stupid. It's super fun. We both love cheese.

We've both worked in cheese shops. And it's one of the more fun, dumb, recurring MaxFun traditions. There's a new episode up in the MaxFun bonus feed, including some episodes of this show that we recorded live at the rock rose gallery here in la so a lot of fun boko uh the the fun thing about this episode of shooting the breeze b-r-i-e-s is that uh in the in the episode we were talking about how there's like not enough cheese based songs. John mentioned that there is a song by the singer songwriter,

Robin Hitchcock called the cheese alarm. And then we kind of, it's that started a running joke about how we should play it on the show, but also maybe we can't afford it. And so when the time came to edit and release the episode, Hodgman just emailed Robin Hitchcock. He just had the email. And Robin Hitchcock said, sure, you can use the song,

but then looked into it more and saw that it was more complicated than that. So Robin Hitchcock just went into the studio and recorded a special version of that song that you can only hear in that podcast. You're fucking shitting me. No, it totally happened. Yeah, it absolutely happened. So Robin Hitchcock, very cool about that. So, yeah, this was a really, really fun.

It's such a fun little tradition. Maximumfun.org slash join. You can hear that and all the other weird, dumb, goofy, random stuff we're putting in there. Jordan, Amy Mann wrote a song about your cat. Yes. And Robin Hitchcock did a Taylor's version of a cheese song for your cheese podcast. Yeah. Pretty soon we'll be able to press some vinyl records out of all the exclusive songs we've gotten folks to do. Okay.

Thanks, members of Maximum Fun. If you want to hear all that, you can become a member at MaximumFun.org slash join. And if you're already a member, go take a listen. Especially if you haven't noticed we have we can make custom feeds for your bonus content now for members so yeah go log into your account

you can make yourself a little feed for just the shows you want this episode of Jordan Jessigo also brought to you by the folks at Wild Grain Wild Grain. Wild Grain, yes. The first ever baked from frozen subscription box for sourdough breads, fresh pastas, and artisanal pastries. Jesse, we love these guys, right?

I made a bolognese the other day. I happened to have some fresh frozen wild grain pasta on hand. Ooh, that was nice. Ooh, yeah. The wild grain pasta is really tasty. Have I told you what my favorite meal is? No. Like my number one favorite meal?

What would be your favorite meal? Sometimes I'll have the wild grain sourdough in my freezer. Mm-hmm. And it's really good. And I will roast marrow bones, slice bread, cook and slice bread. I mean, the wild grain, it goes from frozen to ready 25 minutes. So I put it in the oven, take it out of the oven, roast some marrow bones bones put a pile of arugula next to it bing bang boom that's my literally my favorite meal oh my gosh because the bread's so fucking good it's great bread uh i am a huge fan of uh coffee and pastry in the morning that's my uh

one of my favorite things on this whole entire planet. You can go into those expensive coffee shops and give them an arm and a leg for a what have you. But it's so much fun making coffee at home and then throwing a couple of wild grain croissants into the oven. It makes the whole house smell like croissants. And you get to have one hot and fresh that you made yourself. Really, really tasty. They got some chocolate croissants in there too. A lot of great pastry options. The bread, the pasta.

Wild grain stuff is so, so good. And now you can fully customize your wild grain box so you can get any combination of breads, pastas, pastries. If you want a box of all bread, all pasta, all pastries, great news, buddy. You can have it. Plus, for a limited time, you can get $30 off the first box, plus free croissants in every box when you go to wildgrain.com slash jjgo to start your subscription. You heard me, free croissants in every box and $30 off your first box when you go to wildgrain.com slash JJ Go.

That's wildgrain.com slash JJ Go. Or you can use promo code JJ Go at checkout. We're also supported this week by the folks at nuts.com. We've got good sponsors this week. I love my... I mean, Jordan, all that we ever talk about is how we love the bourbon pecans. Yeah, the pecans are great. They really do. Yeah, I had a quarter of a bag of bourbon pecans before we started the record. They are real good. But you know, I'm always thrilled to have some nice dried mango ready to go. It's terrific.

Dried mango is my favorite. With all due respect, look, they have other dried fruits, but with all due respect to the others, they're garbage compared to dried mango, which is the king of dried fruits. And sometimes you just need a little treat, but you want it to come in a natural form natural form uh with a little chew to it a little a little uh substance to it get some get some natural energy take the edge off your hunger dried mango that's where it's at yeah they got all kinds of stuff over there at nuts.com cashews almonds pecans crystallized ginger jelly jelly beans, root beer barrels. Anything you want to snack on, they got over at nuts.com.

It's your one-stop shop for freshly roasted nuts, dried fruits, sweets, pantry staples like specialty flowers and more. Right now, nuts.com is offering new customers a free gift with purchase and free shipping on orders of $29 or more at Nuts.com slash JJGo. So go check out all the delicious options at Nuts.com slash JJGo. You'll receive a free gift and free shipping when you spend $29 or more. That's Nuts.com slash JJGo. Hey, Jesse, while people are ordering products online can i suggest one more before we get back to the show i don't know i mean we got to get back to the show it would have to be something really important like okay if one of their heroes had a new book coming out okay so

i'll i'll say what it is and matt if you don't think this is uh good enough go ahead cut it out of the show i'll talk a little bit more about about this on the show in the coming weeks and months, but I wrote a new graphic novel. It is coming out next year. It is called Youth Group. It is illustrated by the wonderful, fantastic genius Bowen McGurdy, who does the fantastic Spectre and Spectre series that perhaps you've seen on the shelves of your local comic book store.

Yeah, Youth Group. It is a YA horror comedy about a bunch of teenage exorcists. It is set in one of the goofy youth groups that I grew up in. And yeah, it's got a bunch of jokes. It's got a bunch of friendship. It's got a little romance. And it's up for pre-order now. Pre-orders, man, they really, really, really help books. So if that sounds like something you'd like to read, get on over there to Amazon, Barnes & Noble, bookshop.org, or yeah, wherever you pre-order books. Youth Group, check it out.

It's coming out next year. And yeah, if you pre-order it at your local indie, please let me know where that is. I'm going to be shouting them out on the show in the coming weeks and months. So yeah, if you want to get a little promo for your favorite local indie bookstore, just let me know where you pre-ordered Youth Group and

they'll get a little shout out. I've decided that that wasn't important enough. Yeah, cool. Good call. Yeah, good call. Thanks, Matt. Thank you. Don't cut it out. It's important. Youth Group. People need to know to pre-order Youth Group. It's a funeral. We'll be back in just a second.

Oh, no. Jordan and Jesse. Oh, no. We have to find out somehow. It's Jordan and Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Here I am. Mr. Captain's a really good one. Yeah, just land it right there and drive it home. You know what I mean? Mm-hmm. Just pound it out, because that's a rock-solid nickname, Mr. Captain.

I mean, it sounds like a Eurodance band of some kind. Yeah, right. Like where there's like a one American rapper, and they like found him on the military base. You know what I mean? And then like later you're like, oh, remember Mr. Captain from like 1991? Oh, yeah. They're Nazis.

I was going to say like, oh, yeah, one of those guys produced every Taylor Swift song. Yeah. But the Nazi thing is funnier and better. Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, it's the guy from the national that produces all the tailors oh yeah he's a nazi yeah that guy's a fucking nazi i should you should

it's the name the national yeah kind of suggests that it suggests that that that the he cut off the rest of you know sure yeah there was more how you would describe the nazi party there was more to the name can we we get briefly back into this Gestundenswerk or whatever it was called? I closed the window. What did I say it was called? I don't know, man. Okay, I'm going to put Wagner invented it.

He was a Nazi, I think, wasn't he? A little bit of a Nazi. What a fun theme. We've talked about Universal's abandoned Dark universe a couple times and of course uh you know those guys right so when you're creating art um which i love to create art um it's really important to kind of look and think, like, what do I have to say? What motivates me?

What am I passionate about? Right. And for me, I thought a lot. I thought about my wife and my family. I thought about my children, my parents, my wife's parents. Beautiful people all. All these things. Beautiful people all.

All these things I thought about. Look, I thought about how much I love listing baseball players from the late 1980s and early 1990s. You know, Scotty Gereltz. And I thought about all those things. I do love all of those things. But the thing that I love most of all is seasonal stone fruit. Right. So I spent a lot of time at the Pasadena Farmer's Market.

See you there once in a while, Jordan. Great place to spot stars. And during the summer months, sometimes pluots are available there. And I love pluots. This is something we've covered on the show before, how much I love pluots specifically, even though I'm not crazy about

apricots, but it turns out that apricots make plums better. No one knows how, but that's how it goes. It's pluot season right now. And when I see the pluots in the farmer's market, I think to myself, oh, the pluots are back. Which for me, and I think probably for most people listening, immediately makes them think of the Nas album track from his unreleased songs album, Do-Rags. from his unreleased songs album, Do-Rags. Because the Do-Rags are back, is the refrain there. The Blue Otts are back, of course. Same syllables, same amount of syllables. Yeah. So like a lot of people, as I'm choosing my stone fruit,

I'm in my head writing parody raps about the stone fruit um but obviously i'm not a rapper i'm a lot of things i'm a lover uh joker midnight toker right you know but i'm i'm not a rapper not a smoker though no i'm not a smoker. That's a good point. Some people do call you- Just gummies. I stick with gummies. Maurice? No. Weep-woo? Weep-woo. But it just so happens that, Jordan, you and I have a friend who is a rapper.

We have a few. Look, we got a few friends who are rappers. I'm not talking about Open Mike Eagle here. I'm talking about a friend of ours from college, and that's our friend Ashkahn. open mic eagle here i'm talking about a friend of ours from college that's our friend ashkahn so i've invited ashkahn on to jordan jesse go today back on to jordan jesse it's been many years since ashkahn has joined us here um and he and i are are basically here to share what art can be yes does does that make sense what art can be well so. Does that make sense? What art can be? Wow. So Ashkahn, first of all, Ashkahn joining us from his home in Oakland.

Welcome back to Jordan, Jesse, go Ashkahn. Oh, thank you so much. It's so nice to be back. It's a joy. It's a joy as always to have the legendary Ash Kesey on our show. The man behind hits. What have you been up to since 2017 or whenever? Oh God.

I think longer ago than that. Yeah, maybe like 2012. Yeah. What the hell have I been doing? You got a baby, right? I have a baby, 11 months old. Congrats. It's a fun age.

Yeah, new dad, which has been awesome and tiring and and great um any new orgies or anything yeah um well there's the new dad orgy of course yeah they say it's called jimbery that's the code oh man i was listening i had some moment where I was listening back to the old episodes back in the day in your apartment. And, you know, man, I was in a place. You guys were good to me. You were living a wild life. It was wild times.

I was like, wow, this doesn't sound healthy or sustainable. Well, the good news is now you're a parent. You've already been through... Look, we all go through periods in our life, a period where we're getting our master's degree, a period where we're sort of sucking the juices from life, where we're living out of control like a madman. A period where we co-host a show on a local cable sports channel. A period where we appear in industrial musicals on Broadway. And then a period where we return home, the prodigal son, to acquire houseplants.

I love that. I love that breakdown. That is, it's just the typical life journey. Am I misremembering that you were in an industrial musical? No, that's right. I don't know necessarily about the industrial label, but I like it. Like, why not? But yeah, I did some musical theater in New York.

I was doing music out there, was out there for about seven years. Came back just before the pandemic in Oakland now and making music still. Teaching and directing theater up at a high school in Oakland. Oh, hey, cool. Yeah. And yeah, had a baby, recording your occasional pluot rap. So Ashkahn, let's talk about this. Yeah, let's do it. You've been a rapper for a long time. I mean, what are we talking about? Since the late 90s probably, right? That's accurate. Yeah. Yeah.

So you've done a lot of rapping. And I would imagine that during most of that time you've written your own raps. That's right. Because you're a writer, not a writer. Mm. What's it like to have a really special artist write a rap for you like someone who's even more talented than you at writing uh it's a it's an honor and a privilege and um yeah it just allows me to to tap more deeply into the, you know, the...

Pasadena farmer's market? Yeah, the artisanal, organic, you know, qualities of the form. Have you ever rapped before about fruit? I'm sure I have at some point, but not in a way that I think, you know, captured the level of depth that your penmanship was able to offer. I'm going to be frank with you, Jordan. I originally wrote this rap thinking that I was going to record the rap myself. And I have a microphone.

I got a computer. I know how to record raps. I mean, I don't know how to rap, but I know how to record raps. And I'm like, I'm going to write this rap so it is syllables for syllable matches Nas's flow on this record because otherwise I'm gonna get lost it is really hard to rap I tried to record the raps and I failed badly so this is So you decided to, you know, you wrote this song. You decided it wasn't for you. That's just what happened with Mr. Captain and Shake It Off.

Yeah. Had to be on Mr. Captain's comeback album. Passed it off. Joined the Nazi party. Joined the Nazi party. Never heard from him ever again. Yeah. Ashkahn, this song is called Blue Watts.

Is there anything you'd like to share with us about the recording process? No, it was hard, actually. It was hard. I was here in my room trying to just knock it out during nap time, just like see if I could bang it out. Classic rap shit. Yeah, yeah. But I will say it was a lot of fun,

and it's been a while since I have written or recorded any raps, and I was like, I felt a little inspiration, Jesse. I can't lie. No, I understand completely. Yeah, you know, it was fun. I was inspired too. I mean, I wrote this rap, you know. Matt, before we play Pluots, do you think you could dial up YouTube and just give us a little taste of the Nas song, Do Rags?

Yeah, you got it. I'll dial up YouTube. 1-800-NAS. Use the dial on your computer. I am. Adjust the rabbit ears if it's not coming in clearly Yeah Alright here's a little bit of

Nas do rags From the album The Lost Tapes Yes This is an ad for the nun Okay Got it This is an ad for real nun okay none too got it because i thought this this this is an ad for real therapy

betterhelp.com are they a sponsor 20 they have been they have been yeah all right so thanks to that everybody should get into therapy i won't talk shit listen just go to the nun.com slash jordan jesse go offer coach or jesse go and get two free nuns yeah you don't know they're haunted okay here's naz and get two free nuns. Yeah. But they're haunted. Okay, here's Nas. Here. I mean, obviously, already you can tell why. After this, can we put on another one bites the dust and then another one rides the bus? Yeah, I think that would be, I think that's a good idea.

And then, of course, the chorus is, the do-rags are back, fitted hats, snorkels, and furs. hat snorkels and furs like a salad bus is still packed what's the word so I mean in a in a lot of ways I think it would be fair to say that it would be

it would be insane for me not to write this rap you know what I mean like given that I was looking at Pluats a night and given that song

exists it's just a matter of who's getting to it first you know yeah now Ashkahn we should mention that we couldn't find

an instrumental of this song other than just like one of those guys on YouTube that like says like, look, I remade this beat. That's correct. So this is a pretty janky version of the beat. It's not. It's not. It's good enough. Yeah.

Sorry, that's more. There's more ads. I do kind of want to hear the rest of the Nun trailer. I haven't decided. Yeah, me too. Okay, too bad, because we're going to play the Pluot song now. All right. Oh, that's great.

I told Ashkahn he could keep in his ad-libs. Turn down the lights. This is just the intro again. This is just a guy remade the beat. On his keyboard or whatever. Pushin' hot crops, espritin' Delaware grapes plus a stand with some crepes. Farmer's market got me eatin' so great. Man singin'

Guantanamera. Edge of the stands. White guy with roster hair. Dreads he shouldn't have made no hand drums and kids in the spot where he plays that's when i knew that i was here for a cause because why because i needed some zucchini guy with a pile and i knew that he could see me i know you see me because yo i used to eat lasagna totino's treats watching cartoons sipping sodas in my mom's home then out in the streets the snack store gatorades pringles and combos snacking on candy corny treats and almond joy bars pulling tricks and costume straight up halloween clothes eating sweet flaws We'll be right back. The vendors stay vending, spitting their words, and I'm still enjoying life's ride. One more time.

The plu at tobacco, peaches stacked, fruit is yours. Farmer's market basket still packed. What's the word? The vendors stay vending, spitting their words, and I'm still enjoying life's ride. Ride. You're a fool for this one, Jesse. Max, Mark, J.J. Cole, Ash, Kizzy, and we out. Ashkahn, obviously you've recorded your own albums.

I saw some pictures of you working on your own music in the studio just recently. But this is probably the best thing you could ever make, right? There's no way that this could really be topped. Yeah. That's correct. I mean, I wrote an entire verse of a song it did i every time i i see a song parody by someone other than weird al right i always think to myself song parodists you don't have to do the whole song you don't have to do the whole song and i think i you know i was prepared to

sit through three and a half minutes of something i'm like this is a passion project but you you it was fun you got in you got out it did i mean what it said on the box it's about having a positive message sure like a lot of like joe you do comedy but a lot of it has negative messages yeah specifically mine is it's mine is it gets pretty dark, and I tell people to do things that are pretty evil. I can be bold, but yeah. Yeah, so for me, it's more about-

Do they often do it? Do they often leave the club and do evil? Yeah, you know, and I lead them. We go to a second location. It's, you know, it's part of the comedy scene. Sure. Like a church or what's the second location, for example? I mean, you could call it a church.

It's really more of an open field. Oh, right. Sure. But there are things called into the earth. Using blood where you are born anew. Jordan understands. Yes. A ritual certainly is practice.

Right. So obviously this is just traditional stand-up comedy this goes back to bob newhart yes oh my goodness richard prior yes scarlin yes all the all the greats really you know i mean it's this is nothing new i mean you talk to a lot of comedians. I'm sure this comes up every time. Tell us all this time. Tell us all this time. Spill blood from a goat. Yes. Come, come with me if I believe all, all these things.

And you know, you, you go to the second location and you know, it's, you continue the bit. Right. I feel like all of cable television in the 1980s was just a brick wall, a knife and a goat. A ch yeah i know it was baptism through pain

featuring a woman in a blue blazer with huge shoulder pads like all right young kathy griffin you're doing a good job i'm not gonna but yeah yeah do you have to bring out the guillotine every time it's, we get it. For me, it's more about eating fresh and organic foods, not just eating candy and stuff. Beautiful, beautiful message. It's really sweet. Yeah.

And hopefully this is a, you know, do you have, you know, do you have another fruit or vegetable themed hip hop parody in the, you know, could this be part of a concept album? I don't know. Is this for me or for Jesse? I mean, we could talk Jesse.

Yeah. I think Ashkahn and I have to come work on some business stuff. Um, yeah. Cause I, when I talked to him before, he said he wanted, he said he wanted a piece of the publishing.

And I said, I wrote the fucking song. Whoa. You know, are we really going to talk about this right now on air i don't see why we wouldn't talk about it right now on air we got to get this fucking sorted out and the reality is that i wrote this fucking song and that's what the publishing is for so 50 of the publishing goes to me 50 goes to a 20 year old uh vold Vietnamese person with a keyboard who makes YouTube videos recreating the beats in old rap songs. Yeah, and Ash Kesey gets the short end of the stick, just like always. I gave you $20.

I will. Let me put it this way. I will give you $20. it this way i will give you 20 i'm willing in future at some point to stop by your place in oakland and give you a saba do you think uh you would want to do one about corn called shuck the police hmm well where do you think you can what jordan this is why about corn okay so the Police. So Jordan, I heard you would want to do one about corn called Chuck the Police. No. Because what is that? Where did the police come in? It's distracting.

Chuck the Corn, maybe. But you'd say Chuck the Corn. Now we've lost it, guys. No, I think, Joe, you stick to blood ceremonies and other kind of classic forms of comedy i'll do my thing i'll do my thing joe okay fair no fair we have to stay in our respective

lanes my thing is fruit wrap with ashkahn twenty dollars final Out the door. God damn it. Under the table. Well, hey, congratulations on achieving artistic greatness. Hey, we have a momentous occasion. We do, yeah. This is momentous, and it's a segment that we do, so why don't we play this call? The Nun 2. Oh, sorry.

No trailer again? That's the fucking Nun again, man! The Nun 2 is coming out. I can't decide if I want to see this movie. All right, there it is. Gotta watch this whole trailer. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and miraculous guests. This is Paige from Chicago calling in with another momentous occasion.

I just got, or I guess I just left my first BDSM dungeon sex party. And I had a great time. Went for, looks like two and a half hours straight. But it kept going, but I got to do shit tomorrow. So, woohoo. Anyway, thanks. Love you guys bye love you too

at first I thought she said I gotta douche it tomorrow I mean to be fair yeah but I like the idea of vaginal cleanliness is so important you've been saying this

yeah I'll say it again I'll shout it from the rooftops vaginal cleanliness is so important you've been saying this yeah i i mean i'll say it again i'll shout it from the rooftops vaginal cleanliness real important you're not on a rooftop jordan you're right there in your office no but what is a podcast but a modern rooftop not a digital rooftop right we don't have we don't have the town square anymore. You know, we have this. We have the digital town square. A big problem I've been having is that I do have several podcasts, but there is no fucking roof on my house. Right. What do I do about this?

You know, this is a treat. You know, I'll be honest. Listen, I think we have ebbs and flows when it comes to call quality you know not trying to you know slight all the fine folks who called in saying that they saw a bumper sticker um right you know we love those people we think they're great we're glad some of these bumper stickers are confusing some of the bumper stickers are confusing. Some of the bumper stickers are weird. And, you know, did it lead to some good conversation? No, it never does. But we thank them for calling about the weird bumper sticker.

But, I mean, I think this couldn't have happened on a better day. You know, Ashkahn is back, a classic guest. And we get a classic, i just did some sex shit call and that's it's kind of beautiful right it's really nice and very chipper that's very chipper yes love i really appreciate that hopefully that is demystifying for people who are who think that it might be a little too intense or right or brooding like the the what conjures to the mind when you hear the word dungeon you know it is so scary sure but a skeleton chained to a wall these these are the images we associate with dungeons famously um but the attitude that's why i went to the party

i've always wanted to fuck one of those skeletons really trying they see a lot of holes when they see the skeleton they're ready to fill her up a spider's coming out of that one I'll stick my dick in the other rib thank you very much eat my curds and whey

over there let me ask the three of you a question. Yeah. I don't know if any of you has ever been to a BDSM dungeon sex party. I haven't. I have not. Negative. I would say, I am

wondering, how long do you think you'd stick around? And keep in mind, this was in Chicago, so they probably got great sandwiches right great sandwiches and you know an efficient rail system right get you home but the pizza is more like a casserole if you ask me right if you i mean to me it's not pizza it's a casserole what is that a pizza or a casserole yeah it's more of a casserole. Yeah, but hey, you know, yeah, I mean, I think that like, it seemed like the caller left early.

It seemed like people were still going to town in that nasty dungeon. But I mean, here's the thing, like, how much time can you spend going to town? I mean, I feel like with like some pharmaceutical support, you could just really prep for the evening and say like I'm in it to win it. Are there ins and outs? Like Claritin? During sex?

Can you go run? Can you go run? I mean, it depends on the type of sex, but typically. You gotta get the stamp. You gotta get a stamp on your inner wrist. You know, grab a hoagie and then come back with a stamp on your inner wrist you know grab a hoagie and then come back right you know with a stamp on your right wrist i got my stamp i got a cold cuts at the event ashkahn this is chicago there's beef in all venues right i bet with i bet with a

bdsm sex party there's a real like when do i show up anxiety you know because you're like god yeah i don't want to be the first one there no you don't want to be the first one there you're chaining yourself to the skeleton that's that's just logistically hard okay let me ask you guys this invitation says party starts at eight it says eight two question mark right sure very sexy very sexy Very sexy. Very sexy. There's no sexier punctuation. When do you show up? Ellipses. Nine. Nine? I think that's pretty good.

What do you think, Jordan? I might go 10. I might go 10. Maybe I'm a hipster. I don't know. Maybe. Let's consider Paige was saying she has work to get to the next day. So you can't wait too long.

If I were in Paige's position, I wouldn't make it too much later than nine. saying she has work to get to the next day so you can't wait you can't wait too long you know if i were in page's position you know i wouldn't make it too much later than nine she didn't say she had work she said she had stuff to do oh so it could have just been errands could have been other sex stuff my daytime i gotta leave i got a lot of fucking to do tomorrow do you need to like do you need to like i don't know to like, I don't know, build some sort of foundation at these things with the people that you're going to skull fuck or do you just, or could you just come in? And it's, you know, since I don't know, like, can you just go in and find, you know,

find a body and just like, just like tap in and be like, Hey, is it cool? Or no, you have to, I i mean i think you do have to do in the edwardian times because if there was i felt i feel like if you had to lay down a little foundation and and trust there like it would be nice to maybe be there on you know in that nine o'clock range to like you know uh for the cocktail hour. That's correct. Do you think it's like church or AA where there's one of those big coffee urns? Donuts. Donuts, yeah. And yeah, I mean, if there are cold cuts, those things are going to be a little sweaty by 10, I guess.

Yeah, I think that's a good point. Don't worry about sweaty meat. The cocktail hour at that does sound kind of fun, though. That's like, you know, a little, some good foreplay energy. You pair up, right? They could be playing two shorts, classic cocktails album. There you go. I think this is what I think.

That's not very dungeon BDSM. Sorry, Jesse, it's your show. Go ahead. It would be great if at the dungeon pdsm party it's like you know it's like all dim and there's fucking torture devices and like different sex demonstrations and then just like over the sound system it's just like booty bass it's just like luke and like put it in your mouth we got an idea for a cruise man i think this is gonna be a great cruise give this guy the aux cord huh how busy is akin yele um okay so i think i'm with ashkahn on this which is i want to get there

early enough that i have some time to find my footing before the floor gets too slippery, in other words. So I'm thinking like 8.45, 9 o'clock, and I'm really there. I'm letting myself off the hook. I'm there for the hang, okay? They got sport peppers and jardiniere there. I'm having a nice Italian beef. They got that electric green relish.

I'm going to have a Chicago dog. I'm going to munch down and just survey the scene. Take it all in. Maybe try and make some friends. Okay, because at the end of the day- It's so hard as an adult, you know? Exactly. Like if I leave the BDSM sex party

and I've got a tennis game set up for Wednesday morning, I call that a win. Okay. If it's 1130 and I haven't, you know, I haven't blasted, but I know that on Thursday I got somebody to go see Barbie with because I haven't gotten to see Barbie yet great that's a W right no I don't think so because you're describing a meetup group that you want to go to

I feel like if you don't get BDSM parties are their meetup groups but if you don't get... BDSM parties are their meetup groups. But if you don't get dommed or subbed, whatever you're going for... We're talking about a lunch meet. It's just like a bunch of people who have... It's the same.

You're talking about this. It's the same thing as a bunch of people with dachshunds. How so? Well, because they're all getting together. They're looking for somebody to play tennis with on Wednesday. Yeah. Listen, I have never sought out one of these parties, but if I didn't get spanked or, I don't know,

peed on or whatever is the thing that I'm going for. Well, it depends which room you're in, yeah. Yeah, I think it's going to. And instead, I just met a nice person who was like hey do you like pickleball right i'm not so sure i'm gonna be yeah thrilled given that i could have done that uh in a non-dungeon locale well what's wrong with doing a dungeon locale joe well i guess the thing is I went to the dungeon for a reason in this circumstance. And I went out of my way. I hopped on the brown line, took it all the way to the loop, got out.

This guy knows the Chicago. All right. I thought that was just BDSM lingo. Check out the bean. Rub the bean. Rub the bean before you rub the bean. From 10.30 to 11.30 in the brown line. Featuring, you know, I got my own.

Someone rode my brown line for a little bit. What would you consider? This is all great, by the way. This has all been great. How much BDSM? Matt, thumbs up. Yeah. Joe, how much BDSM do you think it would take for you to feel

like you had successfully gone to a bdsm party now part of me is wondering if at this party there are established dominatrices uh who are there who then you can spit you can like interact with, right? Because I feel like maybe we've been- There's like a guy that does those rope tricks. Yeah. There's like- I was going to say,

maybe this is what you're talking about. When you go to a Ren Faire, there's like the people who are there because they're Ren Faire enthusiasts, but there are also Ren Faire employees who have a spiel, who have a thing. This is the blacksmith. It's basically the Ren Faire with fucking i a lot of overlap what's the ren over lash con i think uh people who run into

each other at one will run into each other at the other one i don't think there's professionals at the bdsm party i think there may be a like an organ like an event organizer, but I don't think even that person. That's a job. Like, I think that the BDSM community is so like community minded that again, it's like a bunch of people with dachshunds. Right. That are just looking to make friends to go to the movies with at the end of the day. And maybe have a sub and watch someone get flayed yeah i mean i think listen um i i would like to usher in a new era of of jordan jesse go sex calls let's

have a let's have a return to form for us i've loved hearing about the bumper stickers you saw but i don't know let's let's let's let's hear about all you nasty freaks and all the nasty freak shit you get up to. 206-9844-FUN. And Jesse, a real feminist would have gone to see Barbie by themselves. I want to know. I want to know. I saw Barbie by myself. Yeah.

Good for you, Ashkahn. A real feminist. An ally. We call that ally shit. I can't. I got shit to do. So I'm done now right yeah yeah you're good for life yeah you're fine man by all the jordan peterson books you want

is seeing barbie by yourself praxis that's the question that jordan jesse go asks okay here's here's what i want to know from our audience yeah Yeah. How long do you stay at a BDSM party? Oh, yeah. And are there professional entertainers at a BDSM party? And... And tell us literally anything. What's a win? What's a win? I want to know what's a win.

And make kissing noises into the phone so we can hear kissing. Yeah. And finally, how does sex feel? Sure. What is it and how can I have it? Yeah. What do I put where? 206-984-4FUN.

Or JJ, go at MaximumFun.org. Well, Ashkahn, it's great to see you, bud. Thank you so much for recording that rap. Absolutely. It was fun. It was a real honor. You can Venmo me the 20. No, I'll drop it off the next time I see you in person.

How about that? Like if I'm at your place in Oakland. Anytime. Anything for you, man. For real. I got you, dog. Did I really see you doing a little recording? Yeah.

You working on something? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I'm recording an album right now. It's almost done. It should be out later this year. First single is already out into the world. And yeah, it's a project that's super important to me.

It's songs that sort of were building up over the last few years. Yeah, last summer when I had the baby on the way, I said, man, if I don't record this record right now, this record might not ever see the light of day. So recorded it and got a lot of support from my community to kind of help make it happen. And I'm stoked on it. I hope you guys dig it too.

But yeah, they're songs that are important to me. And not very funny, unfortunately. What's that new single? So the new single is called Roses. It was written sort of shortly after coming back to the Bay, spending a lot of time in the Rose Garden here in Oakland, tapping a little bit into some of the simple um pleasures like uh bdsm dungeon parties just the basic simple things just fucking just a perfect oat milk latte right yeah

no it's it's hard it's it's hard to make the the sincere pivot but yeah and and the vibe i would say you know you got a little like pumped up kicks meets like heim meets like a sprinkle of prince on the on the hook beautiful so there's that's my my breakdown of the of the single vibe and i feel like it's getting harder and harder for me to talk about my own uh work as i get older but that's the vibe and I hope some folks are into it. Well, you've always been a real shrinking violent Ashkahn as long as I've known you. Well, it's been a joy. Thank you

Ashkahn and we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Desigo. Love you guys. Love you too, pal. Greatest Trek is the podcast for all your modern Star Trek needs. It's funny, informative, and now it's also timely. That's because every Friday right after the release of a new episode of Strange New Worlds, Picard, Lower Decks, Discovery, or Prodigy, we bring you a review of that episode.

There's some great new Star Trek coming up, and we're going to cover all of it. You'll like our show because we're both former video producers, so we bring a lot of insight into the production and filmmaking aspects to these episodes. And we also have a very refined sense of humor, so we make lots of delightful fart jokes along the way. So come see why Greatest Trek is one of the most popular television recap podcasts on all of the internet. Subscribe to Greatest Trek at MaximumFun.org

or in the podcast app you're using right now. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. Hi, this is Lori Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Cashion. And we have a podcast called The Jackie and Lori Show on MaxFun

and it's very exciting because what do we talk about? Comedy. Stand-up comedy. We both do stand-up comedy and have since the dawn of Christ. Well, Jackie. Is that offensive? It is offensive to me because you've aged me. We started in the late 80s and we're still here. You can't kill us.

So go to The Jackie and Laurie Show on MaxFun and listen to that. The Jackie and Laurie Show. New episodes Monday. Only on MaximumFun.org The Jackie and Laurie Show La la la la la la la la

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Joe Quazala, Captain Mister. Joe, there's tunes on this new album of yours. It's true, yeah. No, it's funny. We were just talking about sincere songs and songs that aren't funny and songs that are funny.

And my album, I try to make it very clear what's going on. Because when you release an album and nobody knows who you are you don't want people going in and being like oh okay well i assume this will just be regular ass music but it's that my album is called funny songs and sketches because that is what you will get when you listen to my album you want to you don't want anybody getting confused on the way in absolutely not i want to keep the expectations at exactly what it is like if your cd is in a listening station and towers tower records which i'm hoping for that's and yeah that's great that's great placement you know i want someone to go okay great i like both those things or if they're like

i like one of those things, they'll be able to find what they need. Joe, how much musical training do you have? I guess I didn't know that about you. You know, for what I did on this album, you know, not much, but I grew up pretty musical. Like, you know, I played the violin for a good 10 years as a boy me too not 10 years but i played some boy violin as well one of the great times to pick it up

just a boy in his violin just fiddling away that whole fucking time i was just in the corner sticking my thumb into my eyes meanwhile i've been doing something useful. Little Fiddle Diddle put his hands on the griddle and said, ouch, this hurts my hand. And t'wasn't the dog shall meet. He barked at the moon. I don't know.

I won't try to make up a whole rhyme. No, I mean, we were pretty much there. I say print it. was that was enough yeah um but did you like call up some old musical training that you hadn't used in a while you know you're not not exactly um because it was really more i wanted to get the comedy part right and i leaned on a professional musician friend of mine to really help me out with the musical side of things and that would be a guy by the name of yusu kim who

is a great musician out of chicago his project uh is called good son uh and he makes serious for real music but uh i've known him for a long time and it was important to me to have a good kind of comedic base but marry it with music that was solid joe what are we gonna we're gonna play something once we do the credits we're to play something. Once we do the credits, we're going to play something. Yes. What should we play? I am going to give you guys the first minute of the first song on the album, which is a country song called Unless. Now, do we have to pay to get the other minutes? Yeah. I'll give a little taste and if people are interested in hearing more they can find uh the album anywhere what is it so what what does it cost because i'm already down 20 bucks today right so uh the state of the music industry means that you

can uh probably listen to it for free on spotify but i'm not if you like look i'm not gonna pay for spotify just to listen a minute two and three of this fucking song well here's the thing you don't have to is spotify a new concept to you jesse i don't know what is i mean what is that he still goes to tower records all right that's right okay so when you walk into tower records you ask to use someone's phone tower records closed guys someone there will have a phone with someone i'm going to the i'm going to the warehouse where it does not matter warehouse what building you walk into walk into any building and say i need to use a phone okay and someone will likely give you a rectangular thing that is what we call a smartphone what if i haven't got a quarter oh well this is this is actually perfect okay because there is there is

a pretty small slot at the bottom of most smartphones right but one not big enough for really any coin and two not meant for a coin that is usually meant to charge your phone for power so you're not going to need any coins you're just going to need an adult to help you find music okay and you can really the easiest way to do this is you can go to my social media where i'll be posting very convenient links well give me an example okay so you So you're, you're going to phone or laptop. You're going to go, all right, I'm going to instagram.com slash Joe Kwa, J O E K W A. Okay. How far is that from the warehouse? So that's going to be spiritually pretty close. Instagram is kind of like a warehouse of the mind or sort of, I heard it compared to sam goody is that

accurate sam okay so that you're you're thinking of tiktok okay tiktok more is like the sam goody of the soul and so if you go to tiktok.com slash joe qua i will also have the the links and information there can i ask a question please i had a feeling so going to joe kwa and a lot of these is really great can i hear your album at lids okay so i this is this is interesting because uh lids as as a store you would think okay i'm gonna go here i'm gonna get a perfect place yeah i'm gonna maybe maybe i'm gonna tell the guy there write my name on a hat right and then i will purchase the hat right and you might be like what what type of music could you get at a lids right but i would thought joke was all yeah i mean sure why i mean when people might remember me from my lids

campaign that i did on national television right where i would famously take off a hat and there would be another hat underneath it right and i would say i i can't get enough of these lids i didn't want to i was to ask you to say it. I think that's why we wanted you on the show. Cause we all like, this is all kind of leading up to say the line. Um, and I knew that,

but if I did it immediately, I was afraid then I would have to, you'd be done with me. And I had to save it to the end. Um, and so Seth McFarlane always waits a couple of minutes into his tonight show interview to do the Stewie voice. Before he breaks out Stewie.

Doesn't just come out as Stewie. So basically I type Joe Qua into different stores at the mall and I can check out the rest of the song. We're just going to hear the beginning of this country song. You pretty much nailed it. hear the beginning of this country song you pretty much you pretty much nailed it from your new album which is called funny songs and sketches and is due out september 29th this is you know what i was afraid you weren't gonna get there it was a little hairy there for a minute but once once we connected that i'm the lids guy uh i feel like it all fell into place yeah i thought my whole honestly the whole time it's like is this the Suncoast video guy?

And then at the end- Lids guy. Oh, got it. Lids guy. Of course. The Lids kid. I was a lot younger. And that was what a lot of people called me.

But not that much younger. I mean, I'm not trying to say like, you were younger, but like the the kid thing that was sort of like a sarcastic thing. Yeah. I mean, it was the way the kid Leroy is a kid. You know, he's not a he's not a toddler, but, you know, there's a youthful spirit behind it. No, it was sort of like. This guy, it was like this fucking guy was sort of like this fucking guy.'s sort of like a this fucking guy kind of thing i'm sorry that you had to find out this way i mean i if i may argue that's open to interpretation

some people might be like this fucking kid but i think a lot of other people were like you know there's a there's a pep in his step like kid creole yes and the coconuts yeah i think you're coconuts well joe thanks for joining us on the program. Joe Quasala has been our guest on the show. His new album is called Funny Songs and Sketches. It's coming out September 29th. At the end of the show, we're going to hear a little bit of it.

Our producer on the program is Matt Lieb, the great Matt Lieb, producer emeritus Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records you can find us on all social media platforms

just search for Joe Qua K-W-A and we will talk and we will talk to you next time on Jordan Jessica

you are my everything you light the world up with your face. You are the very definition of beauty, style, and grace. You are the trees in my forest. You're the stars in my sky. I'm gonna love you till the day I die. Unless you die first Then I guess I'd move on with my life

Sure, I'd be sad for a second But then I'd want a new wife But only cause you died first And I promise I'd be so torn up But as I think about this new woman I get real torn up. Wow. Yeah.

A new lady. She could be anybody, huh? Maybe her name will be Callista. Callistica. Now that's too much. Just Callista. Yeah. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.