Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 178: Wrap Party with Rob Corddry
Episode Date: June 6, 2011Rob Corddry joins Jesse and Jordan to talk about second base, the King of Portland, marriages, pet accidents and more. ...
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Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free.
Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective.
And this is...
Jordan, Jesse, go!
Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks,
Salmon, Jesse, go.
We're joined by the great Rob Corddry to talk about some truly astonishing parental revelations
and some serious shit going down in our lives.
Let's go.
It's Jordan, Jesse, go.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Moore's boy detective.
Beautiful day in Los Angeles, California, here in the mountains of Mount Washington.
There's only one mountain.
Yeah.
It's not called Mountains, Washington.
Are you, I feel like you're trying to give the impression that this is some sort of like
fortress.
Yeah.
I feel like that's what you're.
I feel like, here's the thing.
It's pretty close to a main road.
I feel like that's what you're... I feel like...
Here's the thing.
It's pretty close to a main road.
But I mean, I feel...
Given the homes that I've lived in in my life,
this is by far the most fortress-like.
Not even close to the other ones in terms of fortressness.
So it's not just like an image thing.
You don't have some sort of...
You're not going for an image of, like, I'll crush you. Did I say that I wasn't going for that? I don't have some sort of like you're not you're not going for like an image of like i'll crush you did i say that i wasn't going for that i don't remember saying
okay no i'm i just assumed i mean if you go i don't want to blow it like just by saying that
oh it's right by a freeway exit and
nope sorry i'm getting a little... Oh, it's really bright.
Really bright.
Oh, you might be dying.
This is probably unrelated.
It's not an audio issue.
I smell pasta cooking.
Mmm, stroke.
Can you hear it?
Yeah, that's good.
No, it was too hot.
Oh, it was too hot.
It was too hot.
Too hot.
Jordan, I don't...
Oh, let me make up.
Jordan, it's not so...
I kind of feel like if you talk about it,
you just have to watch your tone.
It could reinforce.
Right.
Okay, well, I mean, if this is important to you,
I want to help keep it up,
so I just want to know kind of what you're going for.
What do you want people to think you're doing up here is this like i'm making a weather
machine or is this i'm uh you know i'm harnessing people with ironic torture devices to teach them
a lesson about life like what kind of crazy recluse are you going for what is an ironic
torture device it was like a saw situation this is like oh you know oh like sorry like i really love
like like hanging someone over
a pit of like hanging james bond over a pit of sharks yeah well that's not not torturing them
with irony like making them make forcing them to laugh at t-shirts from urban outfitters no no no
this is like a torture that it's oh oh isn't this because you loved money, the fact that you're in a bathtub filled with sharpened nickels.
Oh.
And it teaches you not to love money so much.
I don't know if you've seen the Saw films.
The irony is character-driven.
Right.
That's something that happens in the Saw movies?
Yeah, you know, the torture device is related to what your character flaw is.
I feel like I'm mostly gaining knowledge and hunting stags.
That's what you want to do.
Yeah.
Okay.
You know, like with an old-timey crossbow.
Okay.
Now, you're making a gesture.
You said old-timey crossbow,
but you did a Robin Hood bow.
I'm just saying,
I know it's not visual
and me pointing out
it's purely a dick move,
but I just felt like it needed to happen. Okay. Well, I mean, I just feel like it's not visual and me pointing out it's purely a dick move. Right. But I just felt like it needed to happen.
Okay.
Well, I mean, I just feel like it's sort of like the kind of fortress that has a lot of libraries with floor-to-ceiling books and club chairs.
Okay.
Is that a type of fortress?
Club chairs?
Should I introduce our guest?
Yeah, let's do it.
We can get his thoughts on it.
I definitely want to keep talking about what kind of recluse
You want to be characterized as
Right, okay
So our guest on the program
You've of course heard him on Jordan Jesse Go in the past
You've heard him on The Sound of Young America
Those are his only credits
These are his main credits
You saw him for many years on television
The Daily Show
You saw him in that movie with Ashton Kutcher that everyone said was very good for being a movie with Ashton Kutcher in it.
His new television program, Children's Hospital, which is now two and a half years old, has just entered its third year and is now available on DVD.
I should make notes before I do these introductions.
Rob Cordray.
You have no idea who I am, do you?
You have no idea who I am.
But those were pretty good guesses.
You know what?
You were so spot on with what happens in Vegas, by the way.
Everybody goes, that wasn't so bad.
In that tone.
I saw it on FX.
I didn't turn that off.
What's good in that bad? Oh, you know what? I saw it on FX. I didn't turn that off. That was pretty good, baby.
Oh, you know what Rob has been in since the last time he was on Jordan Jesse Go?
Hot Tub Time Machine?
Hot Tub Time Machine.
Oh, my gosh.
That was a hit film and a very funny one.
Thank you.
That's another one.
That was a funny movie.
That was pretty good.
Called Hot Tub Time Machine.
Yeah.
I mean, just be glad that it was the kind of thing like that
where it was a success
rather than,
say,
MacGruber,
which was a hilarious movie
that could not have been
a bigger failure.
Yeah.
Very funny film.
Sure.
Will Forte died after that,
I think.
Didn't he die?
He did.
He died at the rat party.
I think he died.
He choked on a,
he choked on a tiny calzone.
This is at rat parties, right?
I've never been to a wrap party.
Oh, God.
Tiny wieners.
I think they serve wraps.
And bacon.
There's a lot of bacon on things, on other things.
Bacon-enhanced foods.
You know, like bacon and your scallops.
So you're saying that a wrap party isn't just a party where everyone gets together and tries different types of raps?
No, no, no, no.
It's a party where everyone...
Indulging in the food craze of the late 1990s?
No, everyone spits ciphers.
Oh!
Yes.
Oh!
They spit in...
They spit.
They spit bars.
They spit bars and battle.
In ciphers.
With rhymes.
Oh!
I am glad we have a showbiz professional here.
Because we're just guessing at what goes on at these.
Rob Corddry.
Did I say his name before?
I may not have.
It's possible I didn't.
But I think what I'm trying to say about my fortress here on the mountain is, to me, this is a very wooded area.
There are skunks.
to me, this is a very wooded area.
Yeah. There are skunks.
My dogs have been... For three days in a row, my dogs got in fights
with a skunk.
Skunk themselves. Got themselves skunked.
I saw a monkey on your roof.
There's like monkeys up here, huh?
There is a dog. There is a dog
that is down the block,
down on the corner, as I walk up the hill,
who stands
on top of a detached garage and barks at you.
I don't know.
It's like, I think he must jump from the hill somewhere
to get on top of the garage,
or either they have, you know,
like those things to help dogs get into beds.
Maybe they have one of those at the back of the garage.
You know, I mean, that sounds, that's weird,
but you know when you got to worry,
is when you see the dog in the garage untangling Christmas lights.
That's when, like, you know shit's about to hit the fan.
That's when you know that man has finally, has finally overcome God and created the hybrid of dog and suburban dad.
Sure.
Rob, what's your, is your situation fortress-like? What's your... Yes, yeah, very much fortress-like. Rob, what's your situation? Fortress-like?
Yes, very much fortress-like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just got written up, it was a year ago,
but I got written up for an over-height fence.
So we bought this house from a flipper.
I thought you were going to say that you got written up
in the New York Times Magazine, because I feel like
I once read an article about you
in the dwelling area of the New York Times Magazine. You did? Yeah I once read an article about you in the dwelling
area of the New York Times Magazine.
Oh, yes.
You did.
Yeah.
That was my old house, though.
A couple of years ago.
That's right.
That's right.
Where my prized possession was a 1975 New York subway map.
Still is.
Good.
Yeah, no, we had an over...
We bought our house from a flipper, and it was like right as the market was crashing, and he just made all these mistakes, and our whole – every system in my house failed like a week after moving in.
And then we got written up.
Apparently the fence out front was too high, very fortress-like, and we had to cut it down, and it ended up costing us $2,000.
But it turns out that it was our neighbors, we think, that turned us in because they wanted
a high fence.
Also, it's just a sour grapes.
Yeah, I think so.
So this is very funny.
My wife wrote me an email and she said, look what I got from the next door neighbor.
The next door neighbor had sent her an email saying, hey, the people behind you are doing
construction on their retaining wall, so be careful.
You got to watch them.
And she's like, see, this proves that, this proves, this is a quote directly from my wife,
this proves that that know-it-all cunt turned us in for the overhyped fence, sent it to
the woman next door.
Yeah.
Yay.
There you go.
It replied instead of forward. forward how is that relationship going it's been a year
how are you guys well here's the thing i think they're very friendly we're very cordial i think
because now the woman's like and she still denied the fence thing but she's like well now i've got
something like all right so i fucked them over with the fence and cost them two thousand dollars
but she called me a cunt.
So that's kind of equal.
That's like a roughly $2,000 offense when you're talking about that level of social
familiarity.
Yeah, maybe you can just like start from scratch at that point.
I think we have.
Sure.
Oh, hey.
I think we have.
Have they made you get rid of the gun turrets?
He's got those kind of slit Hole slit windows
It's wider on the outside
Than it is on the inside
Well I was thinking maybe for a Robin Hood bow
You know depends on
Or an old timey crossbow
Again depends on what kind of recluse you're looking to be
Do you light your arrows on fire?
Depends on the circumstances
I would say and on just on
Just generally sort of what sort of warfare I'm engaged in.
Homeowner talk.
Sorry, renter over here.
If you guys want to include me.
And now you guys have a concern.
Do you light your arrows on fire?
Where do you pour the boiling oil?
It is, Jordan, it's funny that you say fortress-like, that I try and portray this as fortress-like.
I really do feel like I'm living in a fortress.
No, no.
It is.
I mean, definitely in the world of L.A. living, this is about as fortress-like as it gets.
I mean, I was watching this documentary about a famous architectural photographer, Julius...
I'm forgetting his name but he took the many of the
iconic photographs of the modern architecture in southern california in the 1950s and 60s
and um and it was sort of a mess of a documentary to be perfectly frank i hope that the last time i
talked about a documentary on this show it turned out that all the people in the office of that
documentary production company listened to Jordan, Jesse go.
Luckily I only said nice things,
but,
uh,
in this case it was a little bit of a mess of a documentary.
But,
um,
the thing that struck me about it is watching these,
like seeing this documentary about these giant modernist homes in Los Angeles is it's,
these homes are,
for one thing,
they're spectacularly beautiful.
I mean,
it's like these,
you know,
Hollywood Hills homes out over a ledge and that kind of thing.
And the other thing about it is just who could possibly live in this house?
Like who is both rich enough to build and maintain a house that juts out over a ledge?
B lives in a place where there's just plenty of room for jutting houses out over ledges.
Yeah.
And having all glass walls. Right. a place where there's just plenty of room for jutting houses out over ledges and having
all glass walls.
And I realized like, oh, right.
Los Angeles is different from other places.
And I feel like this, the baseline of Los Angeles is significantly more fortress-like
than other major cities in the world.
like than other major cities in the world.
I actually had a terrifying situation with my fortress earlier today.
This is one of the things I didn't tell you about because I felt like I needed to say it on the show.
But this morning, I got up a little bit early to go to the Pasadena City College flea market.
Great flea market, if anybody's out there in Southern California listening.
And we still need some furniture around here,
like we've sold some of our furniture. And while we're talking about Pasadena,
Tournament of Roses parade,
very nice parade.
Very nice parade.
Yeah, absolutely.
So there's a lot of stuff to recommend Pasadena.
There's a little old lady there.
And she has some unusual driving habits.
Yeah.
I mean,
as I would say,
there's no city meaner than Pasadena.
Yeah,
sure.
But,
um,
I left and I went to,
uh,
I was parking my car at the Pasadena city college and I got this call from my
wife and she was literally in tears.
And what...
Oh, sorry, go on, go on.
What she says,
everyone is okay.
And I'm like, oh, fuck.
Like, what happened?
You know, like, did the house burn down?
Like, was there a burglar?
You know, like, what could have...
And, you know, my wife is seven and a half months pregnant.
So my...
I thought you were going to say feet tall.
So nobody fucks with her.
So, like, my, like...
So immediately what I'm thinking is, oh, my God, I abandoned my wife and something horrible happened.
In fact, I'm going to buy furniture at the flea market like i did not do anything bad but as soon as i like as soon as she got on the
phone i'm like what the fuck did i do like i left my wife behind something horrible happened and
this is the horrible thing that happened she went out on to uh the second floor uh it's the third
floor of our building but the second floor of our house the the bottom floor that what would what
used to be the basement is a separate rental unit but our bedroom is up on the second floor of our house, the bottom floor, what used to be the
basement is a separate rental unit.
But our bedroom is up on the second floor.
And on the second floor, there is access to the roof.
And she went out, there's these two big satellite dishes that block our view sort of from our
bedroom.
And neither us nor our downstairs neighbors have satellite TV.
So she went out there to look.
It's a flat roof.
She went out there to look at them
and see if there was like
just some screws that she could undo
and take them down.
And she opened the door
and what she forgot is that
all of last night,
our dogs were barking at the window
of the French doors
that lead out onto the roof.
And we were bothered by them.
But finally,
at like three o'clock in the morning,
Teresa realized that if she just closed the blinds all the way, that the dogs would stop barking.
Yesterday, while I was cooking dinner, I noticed that there was a cat on the roof.
It could get there.
I think it was a neighbor's cat or something like that.
I think the dogs were barking at the cat.
And my wife went out there to uh take down these satellite dishes
the dogs bolted out behind her apparently after this cat and jumped off the roof
what they jumped off the roof and they didn't like go and look and think about it.
It was so fast that Teresa said she couldn't even yell at them or tell them to come back or anything. I mean, it's terrifying when it's a family pet, but that's basically the funniest mental picture in the world.
And I know your dogs are okay, so I saw them.
But a dog running and not knowing it's jumping off a roof is maybe the funniest thing in history.
jumping off a roof is maybe the funniest thing in history.
So one of my dogs managed to jump from our roof into our backyard,
which is a one-story drop.
It's concrete, but it's a one-story drop.
And she was totally fine.
She was running around.
My wife didn't see where they went, so she's like crying and running downstairs and trying to.
And my other dog, Coco, who's a little bit older and a little bit bigger,
wasn't able to jump as far.
Turns out it can fly.
Yeah, so in some ways
it was fortuitous.
Yeah.
You just weren't going to sell it.
Yeah, because you never
would have known otherwise.
I think a flying dog's worth a lot.
Yes.
But yeah, you know,
sometimes it just takes
that little extra bit
of motivation, you know?
That fly or you'll die.
And Coco jumped and didn't make it to our backyard and ended up on our neighbor's level,
which is one level below the main level of our house.
You know, the ground floor where she jumped from would be the third floor.
And we had to, like, take her to the dog hospital.
I mean, she looked fine but
theresa said when she got down there theresa when she called me just said can you come home just
because i need a hug because i just watched our dogs jump off the roof and um and so i was coming
home and then by the time i got home she said i think we're gonna have to take the dog to the
hospital because she was just standing there sort of staring into space like, oh, fuck, I just jumped off the fucking roof.
And like Coco's are pretty...
Maybe I should go back to grad school.
The dog's just having a...
Coco's a pretty rambunctious dog, you know, and so we had to...
I spent today at the pet hospital with my dog.
And again, it turns out she's okay.
They said that she'll probably be sore
and they gave us some pain medication.
Dog pain medication?
Yeah, some dog...
Well, I tried it.
It's not as good probably, right?
You should get a dog medical marijuana license.
A little bong.
A tiny little bong.
Or a dog vaporizer.
I heard that's the way
people do it these days.
There's some dog edibles.
I guess that makes more sense. Yeah, just as is these days There's dog edibles I guess that's maybe Makes more sense
Yeah just as long as
It's not a brownie
Yeah
Because dogs can't have chocolate
No no
That's serious guys
High and then dead
I know we're joking around
And everything
But that's nothing
To laugh about
We're having a lot of fun today
Yeah
But our message is
Don't give dogs chocolate
What it
Like and I was
I was
Like Just in an emotional daze.
I mean, we were at the dog hospital for two hours.
And I was in an emotional daze for two hours after we got back.
And I mean, I understand that this is an extreme situation.
But what I'm wondering is, when I become a dad in eight weeks or whatever, like, is this just going to be the rest of my life?
Being freaked out.
I just go to the store.
Something terrible happens.
My wife calls me in tears.
I feel like I abandoned my family.
You're fucked.
You're fucked.
Oh, Jesus.
Now, there's no coming back. There's no coming back from what you've realized. You're fucked. You're fucked. Oh, Jesus. Now, there's no coming back.
There's no coming back from what you've realized.
Jeez Louise. Yeah.
You're a dad right now? That's your life, yeah.
That's your life from now on. What do you got, two small children?
Terror. Two small children, a five-year-old
and a two-and-a-half-year-old. Oh, man.
And then I got, um,
I'm a dick-tubes cut.
Sure. That's the,
that is the actual, I know that sounds like a joke, but that is actually what
they call it.
And they want you to say it in that voice.
Dick tubes cut.
That's how, that's how the Latin is pronounced.
If it were in English where we would say dick tubes cut, but in Latin you have to stretch
out the vowels a little bit.
Yeah.
It's a beautiful language.
Do you have, like, is, did you get that thing that changes in you where you have to protect your family?
Like, do you find yourself?
I thought you were talking about the vasectomy.
Like, did you lose your will to live?
Did you, like, a dog, like, like I've been spayed?
No, no.
Do you find yourself, like, do you find yourself, like, holding a baseball bat and circling your ball?
Oh, my God, yeah.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Absolutely.
We got, I'm so serious about our alarms now.
And when I'm away, I get a little freaked out.
You know, when I'm away from my family at a week or two stretch, like that's when I really, that's when I get scared.
Right.
You know?
And yeah, you know, there's just, there's knives all over the place.
And you have to go away.
The world is full of knives.
The world is so sharp.
This is a knife-filled world we live in.
It's so sharp.
And you have to go away sometimes.
I mean, you're in show business.
You might have to go act in a movie.
You got to go to Vegas to shoot a Ashton Kutcher.
I got to go to Shreveport, Detroit, Vancouver.
You gots to go to the coup.
Any place with a tax break yeah saint fey nemex saint fey you got to go to the coup you're gonna be on that babylon 5 reboot
but i think there was also that seems like a show that they were in vancouver i don't know
why not um uh yeah i i don't know it, that, that gets easier. Like you're kind of just realized like there's some, um, some comfort as Ferris Bueller said
in being totally fucked, you know, there's just nothing you can do except plug up your
outlets and just hope for the best.
I'm so like, I feel like I'm so unprepared for the chemical changes that are about
to happen inside my body and my brain when this baby comes out like i am terrified i also well
i'm gonna save this next thing for our next segment okay we'll be back in just a second
jordan jesse go Jordan, Jesse, go.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, boy detective.
Oh, crap.
Rob Corddry, king of pants.
Yes.
Right?
Right?
Good.
Right?
Yes.
Good.
People have been struggling with the nicknames a little bit lately, Rob.
I forgot all about it.
No, no, no.
That was good. That was good. Your instinct was good. I've been struggling with our nicknames a little bit lately, Rob I forgot all about it No, no, no, that was good
Your instinct was good
I've been struggling with our nicknames lately
Well, you know, it's just one of those things where
On the one hand, we've been doing it for ten years
So we should keep doing it
On the other hand, we've been doing it for ten years
We should not keep doing it
We should probably fucking cut it out
It's a tough balancing act.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
Now I know how the people at Marvel Films felt when they had to decide whether or not
to make Thor a god or an alien.
I feel...
Now I, like, completely empathize with them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
They made a good call.
I've had so many...
I feel like there's been this tremendous change
in my life
the last few weeks
between
blocking out of my mind
the fact that my wife is going to have a child
to the reality of that fact
rushing in
like a mighty river
and one of the big things
that has changed that
is that I've been taking birthing class.
And I was looking forward to birthing class.
It's the worst.
I think because I just pictured that it would be me
and the other dads would probably be like
Alan Alda and Elliot Gould.
And you smoke cigars and drink scotch?
No, in mine we would all be wearing sort of like, we'd all be wearing kind of 70s track suits and going...
You know what I mean?
So you basically formed your opinion on birthing classes based on the Look Who's Talking movies.
movies yeah i mean it's sort of like i have my imagine it was sort of like i imagine that the moments after birth in class would be like after a squash game in a woody allen movies a lot of
back slapping sweaty yeah and sort of like uh in sort of nebbishy athletic athleticism
involved in it and just sort of a kind of like a lot of sort of semi-intellectual joshing.
But in reality.
Number one, I did not know this, Rob.
I don't know if, did you take any, did you do anything?
Yeah, we took private ones.
We had a woman come to our house a couple times.
Did you, did this woman do what you, what I previously thought of as Lamaze, which is to say that kind of stuff?
I don't remember that.
I remember because we had a real problem with her.
We kind of – my wife ended up hating her because my wife, like, she's – and, you know, everybody does it differently. But my wife has very well-formed opinions about how you should have a baby.
Well-formed opinions.
Opinions, exactly.
And she used to work in a hospital.
So she's very comfortable in a hospital.
So she wants to have her baby in a hospital.
And this woman, she could not have been fruitier, you know?
She was like, and more condescending.
And that's the thing I found about anyone, other mothers or anyone in that sort of industry.
It's just such a patronizing, their tone is just so awful.
They're like, oh, you're going to do it in a hospital?
Where did she want you to do it?
Oh, I don't know, in a tub or in the garage.
I don't know.
With the dogs untangling the Christmas lights.
She's like, if your couch doesn't get wet,
you didn't really have a baby.
You know, she was awful.
And she was like, you know,
she was very against getting a,
what do you call it?
The pain, pain.
Epidural.
Epidural, yeah.
Which my wife could not get fast enough. She was like, I'm just going to feel it. I'm going to feel what it feels like. And then I'm getting the epidural, which my wife could not get fast enough.
She was like, I'm just going to feel it.
I'm going to feel what it feels like, and then I'm getting the epidural.
And she's just playing.
She's like, have it handy.
We're getting that.
And they're like, oh, well, you don't want to do it naturally.
She's like, it's coming out of my vagina.
So what's the argument against pain medication?
That it hurts the baby?
There is, I believe, a slight risk to the baby.
But also that it's just not the way it's supposed to happen.
Sure, yeah.
You know, I think that's the...
Something, something...
I'm in the middle of this.
I've been taking this birthing class.
So I can tell you that it's...
One of the things is that you can't...
Because you're numb from the waist down.
Because they put it into your spinal cord
so that it only,
so it's sort of like getting a spinal cord injury
paralyzes you from the waist,
can paralyze you from the waist down.
So it only affects you from the waist down.
And because of that,
you can't move or change positions at all,
which is why you end up sort of lying down in bed.
And that's not the optimal way to push a baby out of you.
And then it's also just a matter of you can't experience it coming out of you,
which seems like an important part of it.
In our class, we had a great medical plan from the Kaiser Permanente Foundation.
Nice people.
Good people, good medicine. Thrive.
I don't like how you looked at me when you said thrive. No, I don't have to.
Eat these blueberries! Shut up! I don't care if they're
superfoods! Have this acai berry!
Antioxidants aren't real.
I don't know. Maybe they are. The woman who teaches our class is very nice
And actually not condescending
In a very pleasant way
And I think maybe it's because it's
Sponsored by this
Sponsored by a health plan
And so even though it's like
I mean, for a health insurer
It's certainly reasonably, you know
Fruity
But it's not, you know but that's a very modest standard.
No one's burning sage.
Yeah.
And the woman is very nice, although she has a tendency to not complete her thoughts.
So she's not a compelling teacher.
And the distinguishing sort of – she doesn't really know how to work the equipment in the class.
And the distinguishing moment was in the first class.
She was going to show us, and she did show us,
the scene from Monty Python's The Meaning of Life
where the woman's giving birth and there's all the different machines
and they're rushing all the machines in and all the doctors are...
Oh, this one machine goes bing!
Yes, exactly, that scene, which is a brilliant, hilarious scene,
unless the sound is off.
She doesn't have one of the nerdier Kaiser people from the AV room come in
and work the film strip machine.
It was like coming out of the internal speaker of the computer
that was in a cabinet at one end of the room,
and she fucking plowed through this five or six minutes of comedy
with just the faintest sound.
Like you couldn't quite tell
what they were saying,
but she fucking stuck with it.
That was what was amazing to me.
She's not like,
I'm sorry, this isn't working.
I'll just make my point.
Yeah.
We're all going to try and make this up.
She's like, listen closely.
You'll hear some jokes,
which is always what you want if you're doing comedy.
You always want the audience to barely be able to discern what's going on.
You really just have to work for it.
I have never seen Monty Python go over so poorly as in that class.
And there's these, the people in the class, I mean, it's one of those things where, you know,
this is a health insurance company that, uh, uh, that you
get from all different people of all different walks of life have this insurance. So it's a very,
it's not all Elliot Gould's in this class. And that's mostly a pleasant thing, but there are
these, there are these two people in the class, uh, these two pairs of people in the class that
are, that are really particularly amazing. One is this this i guess what you would call uh uh they're sort of like a gen x couple like sort of an i wouldn't i would say
hipster couple but they're more of an alternative couple okay um and they're both have nose rings
then they're in there yeah they're sort of in their late 30s they'll wear a band t-shirt
and uh they just could not be more unpleasant like they're like
they're like constantly like raising their hands to like tell the teacher something
about not to ask the teacher a question i have a question about super all right
basically all you talk about you know what what this is uh quick riot girl question
um three r's right and that that is that just, you just want to just tell them, like, look, you're not going to teach the teacher about something.
They don't really seem to know anything.
It's brutal.
They're really horrible.
And they're the only other white people in there.
They're the only other white couple in the class.
So I'm sitting there.
And, of course, I'm wearing some ridiculous clothes.
You know, like I'm not dressed like a
normal human being at a birthing
class. I'm wearing a necktie or whatever.
I'm coming straight from work.
And I just want to look around
at all these different other...
these people from different cultural groups than mine
and just be like, I'm not with them.
Just because
I'm roughly in their age group,
ethnicity, and level of alternativeness, I don't, I'm not with them.
Guilt by association.
I'm a different guy.
Like, I don't think I'm passing for a businessman wearing a necktie.
You know what I mean?
So, it's like, no, I'm not.
The other really amazing person in our birthing class.
We're not going to play kickball with them.
Exactly.
The other really amazing person in our birthing class is there's this woman who comes with her friend.
And mostly it's wives and husbands.
She comes with her friend, I guess, so the father is maybe not in the picture or whatever.
And her friend is perfectly nice.
But she has this look on her face.
For one thing, she's obese.
And I don't know whether her obesity combined with her
pregnancy just leads directly to this but she has this look of dismay on her face constantly
that just it just goes from eight to ten like that's the level of dismay on her face from just
like from like uh from eating from six-year-old eating Brussels sprouts to, you know, parents having sex.
Like that's the range of her look on her face.
Wait, the friend or the woman?
This is the woman.
This is the woman.
The friend seems perfectly nice.
I don't know why she's friends with this woman.
But the other thing that she does that is amazing, and the first time it happened, I thought, well, you got to figure that's going to happen once in your class.
And the first time it happened, I thought, well, you got to figure that's going to happen once in your class. But then it just kept happening over and over is we'll be watching a video and you watch a lot of videos of people giving birth and birth related stuff.
And she will just go uncontrollably, not to make a point, uncontrollably go, ew.
Like the baby will be coming out
and she'll go, Ew!
You'll be like, Whoa!
I totally wasn't expecting that.
We're at least supposed to pretend
that this is beautiful.
That's the agreement we've all made
when we went to birthing class.
We're going to pretend that this
isn't gross because it's human
life being created.
Jeez.
And it really, like, you watch these videos
and you're like, you know,
like I was practically in tears a couple times
because it's so amazing.
Like, it's so awe-inspiring.
And yes, it's also very gross.
It's really gross.
It's really gross.
But you don't yell,
Ew!
There's other people there.
Yeah.
You softly, you cover your mouth with your hand.
You throw up a little bit.
And you swallow the excess.
And you go to the cafeteria.
It's called manners.
Where they don't serve sugar drinks.
That's the other thing that really frustrates me about this class is all I want at halftime of this three-hour birthing class
is a soda. You go to the
cafeteria because it's a fucking healthy
whatever. If you want a
soda, you have to buy like coconut water
or something. Which is delicious
by the way. Lots of potassium.
Lots of potassium.
It doesn't taste like there's sand in it.
It does not.
I feel about coconut water having just tasted it at the hospital because I thought, well, maybe that's like coconut milk.
No, it's not.
I think it's delicious.
I love coconut water.
Yeah.
You know what it tastes like to me?
It tastes like when you're a kid and there's cereal, there's milk left in your sugary cereal bowl.
It's just like sweet milk.
No, that's what coconut milk tastes like.
No, like that.
You're thinking of coconut milk. I don't think so. Is it clear? Here's what coconut milk tastes like. No, like... You're thinking of coconut milk.
I don't think so.
Is it clear?
Here's what coconut water
tastes like,
to me, anyway.
It tastes like
you take a little bit
of, like,
a citrusy fruit juice,
like a couple drops
of orange juice,
a little tiny bit
of sour milk,
and a lot of water.
I guess you guys...
Do you just drink it straight?
Do you put it in like a...
You don't put it in anything.
You're just drinking it
out of the carton.
Yeah, drink it right
out of the carton.
Okay.
I'll drink three or four
at a pop.
How do you feel?
Do you feel better?
Yes, I think it's...
Well, also...
Because people tell me
like, oh, it's a coffee substitute.
Oh, no, no, no.
That's what people
sell it to me.
Coffee is my coffee substitute.
Sure.
Guys, don't get me started.
Oh, don't talk to this guy, Tilly. Are you just required... It's Monday. Sell it to me. Coffee is my coffee substitute, guys. Don't get me started.
Oh, don't talk to this guy, Tilly.
Are you just required to drink this stuff so that you can be in movies?
Is that a thing?
They do a blood test before you get on set.
It's at least 2% coconut water. You do not have enough coconut.
I get coconut water shots by the set doctor.
By Madonna.
I heard this story about Madonna explaining why her and Guy Ritchie broke up.
And someone said that she came to the sets of all his movies and gave people B12 shots.
Oh, that happens all the time.
Yeah.
B12 shots, it's like a big thing.
Big thing, if you're tired.
Right.
So I get leg cramps when i'm dehydrated
so and i get them a lot it seems and it's it's really drives me crazy and so my doctor said
uh eat a banana you know because it's potassium and it's good for your muscles or drink a coconut
water because it's like five times the amount of potassium and it's like a quick fix and then i
just got kind of hooked on it. Guys, I love it.
I love coconut water.
I'm not even going to lie to you guys.
You're angling for a case sent to the house, aren't you?
Guys, I am a social media influencer.
Hold on.
If anyone here is a social media influencer, it is I.
Oh, come on.
I have received a free Windows 7 telephone.
What social media have you influenced?
I'm influencing social media right now.
People are listening to this at podcast parties.
I was in What Happens in Vegas.
Yeah.
That's true.
And I am another guy.
So send me one too, Windows.
I still use a Zune.
I still have Zune software on my computer.
The music will all go into the phone.
Windows, are you listening?
Windows is the company, Windows, are you listening? Windows.
Windows, the company Windows?
Steve Jobs, Windows equivalent.
Whose name is Bill Gates.
It's Windows.com.
Windows.com, please. I'll use it.
I'll still keep my Zune HD too.
And rub them together.
The other big
parenting preparation thing
that went down in my life
is that I just recently met with a doula.
Uh-huh.
And a doula...
Now, see, here's the thing.
Like, my aunt, who's sort of my...
The panties to the ceiling aunt.
Sure.
She was...
She's had this interesting professional career where she, amazing woman, again, she
went from, um, she went from, she was like an administrative court judge, the kind of
judge where, uh, you don't have to be a lawyer, um, or a judge qualified.
You just have to be, it's like a civil servant job.
Okay.
You know, like she did, it's like traffic tickets or something like that.
Okay.
To, uh, being an Orisha, which is like a Haitian priestess, as I understand it.
Of course.
Loosely.
Go ahead.
I'm using it loosely, so please, Orishas, don't send me a letter.
To being a doula.
Written in blood.
And she had encouraged us to get a doula.
And I was ambivalent about the idea of getting a doula because, again, we are totally settled on having this baby in a hospital.
Like, I want to have some fucking doctors around
in case shit goes down.
If you guys really wanted to do it
with the best interests of the child at heart,
you would have her fucking hold it until Burning Man.
And you would have that baby at Burning Man.
On the last day of Burning Man.
As they're burning the effigy.
As the bird mask orgy is coming to a close.
So we met with this doula.
But in the birthing class, you know, they talked a lot about it.
And essentially what a doula does is, besides, you know, some sort of training and preparation,
is they're sort of like the person on the team of the mother that knows what the fuck is going on.
And I think that's a really reasonable thing because then I don't have to be
responsible for,
you know,
I told Teresa we'll do whatever she wants,
but I like the idea of not having to be responsible for,
uh,
making,
you know,
vital split second decisions without knowing that there's someone on my team
who knows what the fuck is going on.
Sure.
You know, because otherwise the best I can do is be like, you know, is this safe for the baby? decisions without knowing that there's someone on my team who knows what the fuck is going on. Sure, sure.
You know, because otherwise the best I can do is be like, you know, is this safe for the baby? And then if they say yes, I just have to go like, oh, okay.
Right.
So I was, I'm on board for this.
You know, it sounds like a good idea to me.
So what you do is a doula comes to your house and you like interview them.
So we had like essentially a job interview for this doula.
And we met her. She's a friend of a friend and uh she was a very nice woman she's a part-time doula part-time real estate agent
so la and she was a super nice lady and not i mean she told us about some doula stuff
and the reality is that once you start talking about doula stuff, you're going to sound like you're in a sweat lodge in Santa Fe or whatever.
Like, you're really, you're going to have to smelt some sage or whatever that verb is that you do with herbs that you're burning.
Like, it's just going to go down that path.
Yeah, the lingo is just given to that.
Like, you can't describe that stuff without...
He's like, I know, I don't like saying it either.
There's just no other name for what this is.
This is the parlance.
A dream catcher.
There's no other word for it.
And you have to hang them all over.
Once a lady from Pasadena starts talking about her rebozo,
which is a sort of Latin American cloth
that they use to wrap up a baby
and that they also use for,
for like,
to sort of like,
they like,
it's sort of like,
if you imagine,
if you have a piece of cloth
between your hands
and it's sort of taut
like a hammock or something.
Sure.
And you put it underneath the mom
and you like,
shake it back and forth.
Like, yeah,
you shine her
to shake the baby out.
You're doing,
by the way,
for the people at home, you're doing like shoe shining. Yeah, like a shoe shine her to shake the baby out. You're doing, by the way, for the people at home,
you're doing like shoe shining.
Yeah, like a shoe shine.
It's like how a cartoon character
dries off his butt
after a cartoon shower.
But you're doing it to the baby
to get the baby to like
turn around the right way
or just pop out or something.
I don't understand exactly.
I'm not a doula.
So there's no way for this woman
not to sound nutty.
Right.
Okay, but given that context,
she sounds perfectly reasonable
we're gonna meet with another doula we'll see how this other doula stacks up against the first doula
gotta interview two doulas and you know get the lay of the land right doula land um she's like
at the end she's like now i just don't want to know have you been meeting with other doulas
what are their names and she's woman is a very nice woman.
And I think having a doula, you know, is going to be worth $500 or whatever it costs to hire this woman.
And, you know, like the rate that she charges, it's like the rate that someone would charge to do something that they really are passionate about, caring about doing something.
Not for the money.
Yeah, it's not for the money, clearly.
They also hang out a little bit afterwards, right?
They come back
and make sure everything's going right.
Yeah, basically,
I think they come over beforehand
once or twice
and talk through stuff with you
and that kind of thing.
And then they're there for the birth.
They're like on call for the birth.
Right.
And they come over
as soon as the labor starts
and then they're there
to kind of help you decide
whether it's time to go to the hospital.
Then they're there at the hospital.
Right.
And then they stick around for a while.
And then this doula and I think many doulas also check back in a few days after the baby's born.
They start living in the spare room.
Yeah, exactly.
You give them a nickname.
Yeah, they keep asking you if you know anybody like a good shade tree mechanic for their RV.
So anyway, so we had this meeting and
they asked they asked if you like to party yeah it went they ask you if you know anyone who has
peyote um it it seemed it seemed really good for what it was you know like i understand that anyone
who's going to get involved in birth activism is going to be is going to have at least 10 percent wingnut in them.
But it's it's that, you know, it's that 10 percent wingnut that causes them to do great things.
You know what I mean? And that's great.
And I asked my wife after the thing, what do you think of this lady?
I thought she seemed pretty nice.
My wife said, oh, she seemed like a great lady.
And I said I said to her, well, what did you think of her boob necklace?
And Teresa, my wife, said, oh, I didn't notice the boob necklace.
She was wearing a boob necklace.
Now, let me explain to you what a boob necklace is.
What Teresa thought it was, and I think a reasonable assumption,
is a necklace that draws attention to the boobs.
Like a low necklace that's sparkly that's in the cleavage that
makes you have to look at her boobs. I'm aware of these.
I'm getting so hard right now.
That's not...
I know you're into doulas.
I'm so into this for so many reasons.
Rob's like, oh yeah.
Get out that
rebozo.
The whole thing.
So,
it is not that.
I want to be clear.
I would not have remarked upon it or been surprised that my wife didn't notice it if that's what it was.
This was a silver necklace and it was boobs.
The charm on the necklace was a pair of boobs. Oh, brother.
They had nipples on them.
They were definitely boobs.
It definitely wasn't like a figure eight for infinity or two peaches.
They had nipples.
An Aztec charm.
Here's the thing.
If you imagine a boob charm necklace, it was as tasteful as a boob charm necklace could be.
She didn't get it on spring break.
It's sort of like if you imagine
if Tiffany made a charm necklace
that was just boobs,
this is what it looked like.
It was a reasonably handsome necklace.
But number one,
I can kind of...
Here's the thing.
I can kind of see someone
wearing a boob necklace. Okay. Okay, I'm not... I can kind of, here's the thing. I can kind of see someone wearing a boob necklace.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm not, that's, I can kind of see that because I'm from San Francisco.
I know what it's like at Rainbow Grocery Co-op.
That's where we shop for groceries when I was little.
Okay.
I understand what's going on in the Sox and Birkenstocks community.
So this woman didn't surprise me at all, that.
However, let's just say you were headed to what is essentially a job interview.
And you're going through your closet.
You're picking out your favorite rebozo.
Would you pick the boob necklace or would you just pick, say, the pearls or a plain gold chain?
She was probably like, oh, God, well, I can't wear my vagina necklace to a job interview.
I can't wear my 9-11 was an inside job necklace.
That's just that's too much.
Her other necklaces were more tacky.
It left me absolutely agog.
And I don't know.
Left me absolutely agog.
And I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's not bad because she's essentially, you know, she's the boob and box woman.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
That's her business.
I bet it's part of, I bet it's a, I bet it is the symbol or the something of like a larger group. You know, like how they have those t-shirts for breast cancer that say like, hooray for boobies or I love boobies.
Like, I bet it's that kind of like, let's celebrate breasts and women.
You know what I kind of think it's like?
I kind of think that it's like if you imagine like a 45 or 50 year old retired professional
baseball player that was successful but didn't make it to the Hall of Fame, maybe a Fernando
Valenzuela or a Gary Sheffield. One of these type of people.
You can imagine them having a necklace around their neck with a charm of like a baseball or a baseball bat.
So that when they go to a singles bar, somebody can be like, hey, what's that?
And you're like, oh, I used to be a star professional baseball player.
I won the 1981 National League Cy Young Award.
Right.
Yeah.
And I think it's that I think it's sort of like
A symbol like
I'm in the boob biz
Ask me about my boob necklace
Ask about boobs
In general
Ask me about lady parts
Sure
Right?
We have to talk about This wedding that Jordan officiated
We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go
Jordan, Jesse, go
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart
Jordan Morris, boy detective.
Rob Corddry, female breakdancer.
Rob Corddry, by the way, his hilarious television program, Children's Hospital.
A hilarious book.
If you're not seeking out this television program, you're a fuckwit.
That's how I would describe it.
There's a lot of ways to watch it.
I'm going to get my rebozo, come down, and shine you up until you kick out something.
That was one of our marketing pitches, too, by the way.
Like, watch this, you fuckwit.
Don't be a fuckwit.
Watch this show.
Seasons one and two are out on DVD.
That's right.
And season three is just starting on Cartoon Network.
Yeah, June 2nd it started, and every Thursday night at midnight this is a this is a tremendous program this is a
hilarious program you got all your major comic stars of course you got henry winkler yep you
got the fawns you got rob hubel you got him too past jordan jesse go guess who else is a past
jordan jesse go guess that's that's on this show ken marino's never been on jordan jesse go ken
marino's real funny who else who else are we talking about has lake bell been on this show. Ken Marino's never been on George S.E. Go. Ken Marino's real funny. Who else are we talking about?
Has Lake Bell been on this show?
No.
We'd love to have Lake Bell on this show.
Sure.
We should have her.
She's great.
Watchman Lady?
Who's that?
Malin Ackerman.
Yeah, yeah.
Watchman Lady.
This is a start.
Rob had spent years building up Hollywood Capital
so that he could waste it on this show on the Cartoon Network.
Totally blow it on this 15-minute show.
Exactly.
But, man, it is really funny.
Okay.
I am making hundreds of dollars on this show, though.
Hundreds.
What are you going to spend it on?
I am a hundred air.
Yeah.
You are committed to this show because I remember reading a few months ago that when you got a network television pilot deal, it was a pilot deal that specified that if you got your own highly paid, presumably, network television sitcom, that you would also still get to do a weird, crazy 15-minute show on Cartoon Network.
Yeah, yeah.
We actually really negotiated the number of shows they'd allow me to do as well.
And they got up to nine.
They said, well, you can do nine.
We have 14 episodes.
They said, you can do nine of them.
But they're 15-minute episodes, and Warner Brothers considers that a half an episode.
So I can actually do 18 episodes of Children's Hospital if I want.
Clever.
Okay, let's do our sponsorship announcement. So on the show, we allow people to buy a sponsorship on the program in the way that one might buy
an announcement on the Jumbotron at the ballpark.
A hundred bucks for a personal message.
We're up to 200 bucks for a commercial message these days.
The first one, Fuzzy Balls Apparel.
Our good friends from Fuzzy Balls Apparel, long-term sponsors.
Yeah.
We like them a lot.
They sell t-shirts.
Specifically, they sell cute and creepy
t-shirts and things.
FuzzyBallsApparel.com. They got little toys.
They sent over some freebies. I always get compliments
on my Fuzzy Balls t-shirts when I wear them.
You can too.
You can put JJ Go in the
notes when you order something and he has promised
to include some free gifts for you. Something cool just because he loves JJ Go in the notes when you order something, and he has promised to include some free gifts for you.
Something cool, just because he loves JJ Go.
And this is, again, these businesses that are sponsoring our show, they're doing it because they love Jordan Jesse Go.
This is not something where our ad guy talks to their ad guy.
It's not beneficial at all.
Of course it's beneficial to them.
No, sure.
Why wouldn't it be?
Come on.
Why would this guy become a long-term sponsor at Fuzzy Balls Apparel?
I know.
Okay.
Anyway,
fuzzyballsapparel.com.
Put JJ Go in
when you buy something.
The other one is
adventureaccess.org.
So these two listeners of ours,
Evan and Jade,
are going to walk
from Boston
to San Francisco
creating what they have decided
to call,
very modestly,
the Adventure Access Trail.
So they're walking from Boston to San Francisco.
They're going to document it in every single way,
and they want to encourage people to walk across the great nation of America.
With them or just at some point?
No, just at some point, I think.
I don't think they're looking for buddies.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
They're polys. They're polyamorous, and they're looking for buddies. Oh, good. Yeah. They're polys.
They're polyamorous.
And they're looking for...
Looking for sister wives.
No, they're looking...
They want to encourage people to, you know, walk and experience the country that way.
I'll tell you that I got bored driving through about the middle third of the country.
You ever get in the middle?
I mean, there's a lot of great stuff if you live there.
I'm sure you've got family, you've got friends, love, work, church,
Little League leagues, that kind of thing.
But none of those things are accessible if you're driving through,
and so it is just a snooze of cornfields from about the Rocky Mountains to the eastern seaboard.
Yeah.
Nebraska feels like it's the length of California flipped on its side.
You wonder if it's abandoned.
You wonder if people have abandoned these states.
It's spooky.
And walking through that genuinely terrifies me.
I would probably go into some kind of corn madness.
And commit some corn murder.
Yeah, but I guess these people are probably making friends and meeting.
Yeah.
These are obviously those kind of people.
Because they're walking.
They're those kind of people.
Yeah.
And anyway, they're also raising money on Kickstarter to pay for this trip and to help them publish this book.
They'll even help you travel. They'll even help you travel.
They'll even help you plan your adventure travel.
It's all online at adventureaccess.org.
You can also find them on Twitter,
at Adventure Access.
And if you want to donate to the Kickstarter campaign,
it's adventureaccess.org slash donate.
So take a look,
see what our listeners
Evan and Jade are doing in this
absurdly foolhardy
quest to walk across America.
If there is a sex element to it, I'm
behind it though. Like if they're like visiting
famous orgies. There's gotta
be. There's gotta be. Everything at its
core is sexual. Someone in the group is named
Jade. Yeah. There's some
sort of fucking. And that's great. I think it's better.
I mean, I'd like to hear more about it. Our friend
Tyler walked
from one end of Japan to the other.
And in fact, I think
I bet his movie is still online.
If you search for Kintaro walks Japan,
you can see our friend Tyler. He later
went on to win a million dollars on The Amazing Race.
So it was not for naught. Wow.
And he also tried to later went on to win a million dollars on the amazing race so it was not for not wow um and uh
he also tried to run across iran with his friend who's uh iranian american or persian depending on
your preferred nomenclature and uh got arrested uh after a while and they said they would only
release him if he agreed to wear this t-shirt and the t-shirt said noclear energy is a human right
that's one of those things like if you're gonna like do a try and get a big press coup by getting
some american hikers to support your quest to get nuclear weapons you can at least look up how
yeah nuclear is spelled in english you kind of half-assed that uh because
i think the t-shirts of jor of tyler excitedly pointing to his t-shirt that said the pictures
of tyler with the t-shirt that said knockley or energy as a human right didn't do a lot for the
cause of the uh iranian nuclear program i don't know i think they have nukes now so anyway theresa
and maximumfund.org if you want to sponsor a future episode of this show or My Brother, My Brother and Me or stop podcasting yourself.
It's affordable and effective.
AdventureAccess.org.
And if you miss a link on this show anytime, you can always find it in the forum.
Teresa has a thread where she puts up the sponsors for each week's show at forum.maximumfun.org.
We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go.
Jordan, Jesse, go.
I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, boy detective.
Rob Corddry, king of the room.
Did I already say king of something before?
You said king of something.
You said king of pants.
You can just use the same nickname.
You can just go back to king of pants. Oh, I don't have
to come up with a different one every time? No, no, no. Absolutely not.
Oh my gosh. We've been using the same
shit that we came up with when we were 19.
I'm so relieved. Dude, go back to king of
pants. King of pants. Do it.
Oh, Rob Corddry, king of pants. Sorry. Great.
Everyone loves it. Totally.
So we've been doing this action item of
over-deliver. Parental
revelations.
And I want this to be the last.
It's been so rich that it's just been going on and on just because people keep calling in with this crazy shit that their parents revealed to them about their lives before they were born.
And this.
I've got a good one, by the way.
But go on.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Well, I want to.
Let's do this.
And then we'll hear rob so number one because i'm trying to because i'm trying to wind this down i'm not going to play the call
from the guy who found out his mom dated raleigh fingers however i want to acknowledge that that
is important information that the world should know that happened to me the other day i found
out that uh one of my wife's aunts i got an email from a different one of my wife's aunts that said, hey, did everybody go see Bridesmaids such and such?
I won't say her name.
Old boyfriend was in it.
He played the minister or something like that.
I found out that one of my wife's aunts who are like, these are Catholic people from Marin County, California.
These are literally the whitest people I can imagine in the world.
One of them dated comedy legend Franklin Ajay.
He's a legendary stand-up comedian from the 70s.
He's sort of like the semi-revolutionary Richard Pryor,
who sort of flamed out in the 80s and mostly quit comedy.
But he's, for example, our friend Nick Adams.
That's his favorite comedian of all time, Franklin Ajayi.
And apparently, my wife's aunt dated him.
Seriously, for a long time.
And they found out their grandpa was kind of racist when they started dating.
Whose grandpa isn't a little bit racist?
Yeah, I mean that's part of being grandpa.
I think everybody over 50 is a little bit racist.
Sure.
Safe assumption.
So anyway, okay.
So shit goes down.
Now this one, I wasn't going to play this, but I was thinking maybe we wouldn't even do this segment this week.
And then I saw the Raleigh Fingers thing.
And I saw this one that Brian Fernandez, who's been screening our calls, sent me,
and the title is so intense that I feel like I can't leave it unplayed.
Please.
Hey, JJ Goh, this is Eric calling about the action item about parental revelations.
This one is about my grandfather, because when I was 14,
he came to visit my family up in northern New York from California,
and it was the first time he had ever visited,
and he stayed for about a month during the summer.
And when I turned 18, I found out that the reason that he had come up to stay up with us
is because he had just been acquitted of murder of his girlfriend.
And the even more fun part is after I found this out, I talked to my cousin who's a few years younger than me.
And he told me that after my grandfather got acquitted, my grandfather told my cousin that he had actually done it.
Wow.
And, yeah, I'm one of the few people in the family who actually believe them.
So, yeah.
Grandfather, I'm a murderer.
Bye.
Wow.
Wow.
Yeah.
Why do you do that?
Why do you tell people?
You got to tell somebody.
Yeah.
You took a life.
You're a little kid.
Jeez Louise. Wow. That's a a life. You took a little kid. Jeez Louise.
Wow.
That's a good one.
That is a good one.
So who did your parents murder?
No, this is not.
I think I have the wrong.
I had the wrong idea.
This is my mother just told me something horrible.
Not funny at all.
And nor is it any sort of like.
No, that wasn't funny at all.
Oh, OK.
Horrible.
It was.
Yeah.
All right.
Well, no, all right. Well, I grew up thinking that we lived in the perfect family and white picket fence, all that stuff.
Where did you grow up?
In Boston, suburbs of Boston.
Pretty idyllic.
25 years old, 1995, my mother, 1994, my mother came out of the closet and left my father on Father's Day.
Oh, good.
Yeah.
So, well, my dad's birthday was a week after, a weekend after Father's Day.
So she was like, you know, I got to do it now.
I got a lesbian trip planned.
She's like, I'm going to Northampton next weekend.
I've got to.
So she gets everybody. She calls. I'm living in New York at the time. And she's like, I'm going to Northampton next weekend. I've got to. So she gets everybody.
She calls.
I'm living in New York at the time.
And she's like, can you come home?
We're going to have a family meeting on Father.
And I was like, I was coming home for Dad's birthday.
Yeah, exactly.
So I knew it was big. And so she dropped this bomb on us that the woman that she's been hanging out with was now going to be her partner.
And so it was a pretty brutal weekend.
Yeah, yeah.
You know, lots of couple family meetings.
It was awful.
Sure.
And some factions,
some families splitting off into factions
having separate meetings.
Nothing good ever comes from...
No one ever calls a family meeting
to announce that we're going to Disneyland.
Yeah.
Family meeting.
Patches is having puppies.
Family meeting.es is having puppies Family meeting In my hand
I hold a lottery ticket worth
2.4 million dollars
Family meeting
The dog is on the garage
Terrifying
I came back from South America
But it's pretty great it was worth it was pretty
but i'm not saying it wasn't worth it
and then so my mother then revealed she felt like she had to clear the slate
she revealed that i had an older brother that died like the right after childbirth oh wow
yeah crazy right both huge and it wasn't my father's.
Like, she cheated on him when he was in Vietnam.
And had a baby.
No, this is actually perfect for this segment.
All of this falls under the umbrella of this.
Oh, so yeah.
So he was what they called at the time, I believe, an encephalitic monster, which means
he was born with some of his organs
on the outside of his body. Oh, wow.
And yeah, he died like right
away. Wow, geez.
But, right?
And then we went out for ice cream.
We went out for ice cream. Literally.
Wow.
We might as well make this as ironic as possible.
What kind of ice cream did you get?
Like a tropical flavor?
Oh, no, the good stuff.
Yeah, the good stuff.
We went to the homemade ice cream parlor down the street.
Not just the 31 flavors.
It's the place where you get vanilla because it's so good there.
Oh, right.
They really...
Sounds like a pretty sweet weekend.
Now anytime you eat vanilla ice cream, you just start crying.
Think about my older brother.
Did you think your dad saw this coming?
Was he like... No.
Oh, yes, he did, actually. He did, because he
called me once,
a couple months before my mother came out,
and he said, do you think she's a lesbian?
She went to...
She decided she was going to become a minister, and she went to
seminary school and met this woman
there, and
then they just became best friends yeah and uh and i
was like no you're crazy she met her lesbian partner at seminary yes she had a seminar yeah
yeah at a seminary isn't that crazy um and uh no sure enough he was he was right and i was totally
wrong but uh uh he i remember I was at home once,
because I was just visiting for the weekend,
and she was hanging out with this woman a lot.
My mother didn't come home until like 2 in the morning.
That's just not like her at all.
And they drove up.
Was she a minister at this point?
No, she wasn't.
No, she quit that whole game.
The game, that's what they call it.
Yeah, man.
The biz.
You roll the dice.
And I remember them getting home, and I didn't look out the window on purpose.
Oh, you don't want to see mom kissing.
I bet.
And then I just kind of like...
Yeah.
This was before my dad had mentioned anything.
What did you tell your dad when he asked you that?
Can you tell your dad?
I said no.
You said, I'm pretty sure she's my mom.
I was dating a woman at the time who was very fond of saying, like, she totally, she was bi, but she wasn't really.
You know, like, it was that call.
We were all 25 and yeah you know like it was that call oh yeah 25 and you
know that that's i feel like whenever i'm out with the woman who says that i feel like i want to say
hey put up prove it i don't want to sit here talking about it let's have a three-way and then
i will believe you yeah yeah anyway um the problem is that if you do that, what will happen was not a three-way.
What will happen is they will leave you for a woman.
It's very much a two-way.
That'll still be hot.
Worth it.
I can jerk it to that.
Totally worth it.
Well.
That's amazing.
Rob.
That is a way to go.
You know, if we are going to wrap this segment up yeah that's probably the
that's probably the one to do it yeah wow thank you so much we'll be back in just a second i
jordan jesse go Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.
Love you.
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Love you.
Love you.
Love you. Love you. That's your other nickname because you change your nickname so much. This is so far my favorite segment. You want to just cut it here?
We were talking on the show about what second base is for a lady.
If there's a lady-specific version of second base.
Oh, Rob, just to fill you in.
Jesse's saying he thinks that there is a lady-specific second base.
I think second base is just when a boob is touched.
Like a woman says, oh, we got the second base when he touched. Oh, right, right. Of course. Of course. That's what I'm saying. I think second base is just when a boob is touched. Like a woman says,
oh, we got the second base
when he touched.
Oh, right, right.
Of course, of course.
That's what I'm saying.
I agree there.
Yeah, but I mean,
I feel like boob touching,
I mean, a lady enjoys
boob touching,
but not as much
as a dude does.
It feels like it's
four dudes.
Right.
Like a lady enjoys
having a boob touch.
It adds a lot of sensation.
I'm not qualifying
people's level of enjoyment.
I'm just saying it's both.
I'm just saying like relative to say touching junk,
like touching a dude's junk and touching a lady's junk,
you're getting a roughly equivalent amount.
It's an equivalent thing.
Sure.
Doing a sex.
If you're doing a sex and putting it in the lady's stuff.
But bases aren't.
No, wait a minute.
That's not a level of enjoyment.
It doesn't go first base, I kind of enjoy it.
Second base, I really enjoy it.
It's how far did you go.
It's like how intimate did you get.
There's four bases or technically three bases in a plate.
Okay?
And three of them are similar, are sort of mutual acts that have sort of similar effects on both people. I mean, I guess, you know, if you're talking about intercourse,
there are intercourses that are more dude-oriented than lady-oriented.
But you can argue equivalency for three out of four.
But boob-grabbing is just something that a dude wants to do
more than anything else in the world,
and a lady is fine with and will probably enjoy.
Okay, you're right
um and so that's why i say there must be something that is and i don't even know what this is
because you know we ask people the ladies to call in to say if they have a good idea for
if there's some other thing that's sort of co-related or whatever women don't enjoy the
men's body right like like like men enjoy women's. I think they're just kind of tolerant of it and whatever.
It's definitely, let me say.
It's fine.
It helps them buy shoes.
Women don't enjoy our bodies, definitely.
That's for sure.
That is clear.
Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guests.
This is Allie from the Midwest, and I just finished episode 177.
You ended with wondering what second base is for a woman,
and I'd say it has to be a good spank,
which is actually how I introduce myself
to my current and awesome boyfriend.
Have a great episode.
She knew she could just do that.
She knew she could just get in and get out
and just drop that shit.
She's still laughing.
She's still laughing.
She knows that she just won calling in to Jordan Jesse Go.
Now, listen.
First of all, God bless this woman.
You know, way to go.
If you want to make a play for Popedom, I will back you up.
It takes guts to call in to a radio show to say who should be the Jets' starting quarterback.
Sure.
But here's what I think.
And obviously there's differing opinions.
I think that the bases are a measure of intimacy, not pleasure.
And I think that once you are in a situation where you're spanking someone, that is sex plus.
That is home base
and then some sort of victory lap.
I agree on that.
Spiking the baseball.
I agree on that point.
I just feel like it's more like,
because the lady,
because the guy is grabbing
and the lady is getting grabbed,
it still feels too weirdly
uneven to me.
Even if you're counting intimacy
rather than pleasure.
It still feels weird as though the lady is just allowing herself to be used for grabbing.
You know what I mean?
Okay.
I don't know.
It still feels uneven.
And again, I'm not saying that ladies out there, I'm not saying that you don't or shouldn't enjoy having your boobs touched.
Sure.
Ladies out there, I'm not saying that you don't or shouldn't enjoy having your boobs touched.
Sure.
I'm just saying that for a guy, touching boobs is pretty much the top priority in the world besides putting their penis in something. Although, wouldn't you say that in most situations.
Right.
Most situations.
Right.
When you are sexing someone.
Yes.
And you get the notion to spank them.
Yes.
And you do it yes and they not only tolerate
it but enjoy it that's like that's a that's that's a huge that's a huge dude moment that is that is
like that is equivalent to boob grab i think here's the thing i think that i will say that most
situations where you are spanking someone the next thing that happens isn't usually, as this woman just presented to us, that you then introduce yourself to the other person and say, maybe we should go on a date.
Because she did just say that she met her boyfriend with spanking.
I don't get that part.
We need more info.
We need more info.
Is that at a convention or? Church. Hmm. I don't get that far. We need more info. We need more info. Is that at a convention or?
Church.
What's, yeah.
Oh, probably an SSP, right?
Are they on the same baseball team?
Right.
You gotta figure secret sex party of some kind.
Gotta be, right?
Probably one of those.
She said she's from the Midwest.
That doesn't mean she's not living in the woods of Seattle.
No, no.
Where that secret sex party guy lives.
Okay, here we go.
Well, let's go to momentous occasions.
When something momentous happens to a member of our audience,
we ask that they give us a call at 206-9844-FUN to tell us.
Hello, Jordan, Jesse, Go.
This is Kit, former King of Portland, calling with a momentous occasion.
Number one, he's not King of Portland.
Never was. Was he? Did we name him King of Portland? What did he do? I. Number one, he's not King of Portland. Never was.
Was he?
Did we name him King of...
What did he do?
I don't know.
Didn't he do something?
Didn't he have some sort of...
Did we name someone King of Portland?
I mean, there's...
Okay, continue.
If I was going to name a King of Portland, it'd probably be Clyde the Glide Drexler.
Sure.
Stephen Malcomus, maybe.
These are both great candidates for King of Portland.
I would announce that they would be joint king
And the only thing is
They have to rule together as a team
Sure
And their undersecretary is the guy from Gang of Four
Wow
I just got to choreograph
A
Titty tassel twirling
Bike trick
And that was pretty badass i
then had another momentous occasion i don't like this guy at all i don't know this guy's
rubbing me the wrong way too maybe we've liked him in the past but i don't like your tone mister
you really can't you really stepped in with that.
I mean, they might as well be fucking on a unicycle at this point with their level of pure...
They're going to start having some art.
They're going to start putting their dicks in artisanal coffees.
Yeah.
I don't...
Some sort of...
Having sex with someone with tassels on.
Also pretty badass. Then he had sex with someone with tassels on also pretty badass
then he had sex with her
and
in the bike related
sex stories
to speak back
to a
previous
momentous occasion
what
um
this guy just keeps
a notepad
of different ideas
for bullshit
he can call into
Jordan Jesse's
no I don't like
that this is bragging
yeah this is
this is this is not for bragging. Yeah, this is bragging.
It's momentous.
Yeah, fuck yeah. You should be calling us in wonderment. Oh my god.
Jordan and Jesse are going
to love this.
Okay. Congratulations on your wonderful life,
sir.
We should all be
so lucky. Have fun fucking that unicycle yeah yeah hi jordan hi
jesse hey guys uh my name is lucas and i was calling in with a momentous occasion that actually
happened a while ago but that i was reminded of from last week's podcast where things all of a
sudden turned sexy um i work in a live in my town's public library as a computer lab assistant,
and a lot of the times people will come in bringing their cell phones or laptops,
but they don't understand to use and assume we do,
so they come and ask for all sorts of help.
So one time what happens is this lady came in.
Wait, that was so magical.
That was a magical tech support guy moment.
Yeah.
He described, and they bring him in because they don't know how to use him,
and they need some help.
And then he took a moment to savor it, and then he went.
He chuckled.
Yeah.
Chuckled gently to himself.
Oh, these rubes.
Chuckled.
Yeah.
Chuckled gently to himself.
Oh, these rubes.
Oh, these rubes that must travel to their local library.
And their issues with spyware.
The cell phone, and she said she had a bunch of pictures on there that she needed to email someone else.
And so, you know, we figured out that her cell phone didn't have any, like, Wi-Fi or any kind of internet capabilities,
and that we actually had to go, you know, online and create an account and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
But by the time we actually got to her pictures online, I realized that all of the photos were of her naked.
And so, you know, then she just looked at me with all these naked photos of her on the screen, and then she just asked me, so how do I email these?
And at this point, you know, I'm so, like, shocked that I just, like, kind of help her through the rest of the process.
A lot of the time people just come into the library and look at porn,
but this was the only time that someone had actually forcibly shown me porn.
Here's my question.
She's like, now I have some issues with snood.
Here's my question.
Would the proper response to that have been,
I haven't been single for a long time,
so I'm just putting the pieces together, to spank her?
Yeah, I think so.
It's an invitation to the spank.
You guys don't know a lot about modern women.
Is there a whole new system of bases where first base is sex base tech support, second base is spanking, third base is dating, and then what's fourth base?
Impregnating your housekeeper, maybe.
I don't even know.
Kids.
Okay, we have one last momentous occasion.
Hey, this is Josh in St. Louis.
And Leah in St. Louis.
We have a momentous occasion.
We were just married by George Morris.
Woo!
And I'm going to make him dance with me into something urban.
Make him uncomfortable.
Wait.
Which Morris did they just get married by?
Me.
I did it.
Jordan Morris!
Jordan married two people.
Wow.
Over the weekend.
Holy moly.
Rob, for you, this is something we've been talking about.
Jesse had gotten an invitation to officiate a wedding.
I thought that was bullshit.
But no one asked me.
Just because he's very professional
and has a good radio voice.
He's got a great voice.
To be fair,
the top bullshit part of it
was that they asked Jordan first
if he thought that I would be
interested in doing it.
So.
Which, even I admit,
is kind of bullshit.
Yeah.
These are very good people,
as it turned out, but...
Fantastic.
I'm actually still friends
with the guy.
I'm going to hang out with our buddy Guy Welch this week.
At the E3 convention.
But yeah, still.
Dick move, man.
So yeah, so these nice people, Josh and Leah Booth, were nice enough to fly me out to St.
Louis, put me up in a very nice hotel, and perform their ceremony.
You didn't know them before.
They're just listeners.
I did not.
No.
Wow.
Did you have fun?
I had a blast.
It was the best. It was so fun.
Was it a normal wedding?
No, I mean, it was not a religious wedding.
It was a very... Okay, well, that's probably
the best. I know. You told them
I told them I was a rabbi.
I did. Mazel tov.
I don't speak Hebrew, so I just did
Hebrew-ish double tov. Yeah, yeah.
Sid Caesar style.
It was small,
but yeah, absolutely a wedding.
It wasn't like, you know,
they weren't like, they didn't skateboard
in or anything. What was it like when you, were
their parents there? Yeah, parents, grandparents.
What was it like when you met their parents? Because
I know that I had some interesting
interactions with Mary Beth
and Guy's parents when I married them, when I tried to find a confidence-inspiring way to explain to them that I had met Mary Beth and become their officiant because they liked my vulgar comedy podcast.
And it focused on me being like a public radio.
Anytime I need credibility, I just go straight to public radio hosts.
But you don't have that weapon.
You've got like you're on an improv team maybe?
Yeah.
Have you ever heard of Hot Mess?
What's about the UCB?
We did the very famous brown swan fart sketch.
I work in the theater.
When I work in the theater is the most
credible, dependable sounding
thing you can say about your career.
That is basically all I have.
I'm in the theater.
No, you know, their parents
were very nice and seemed to
understand who I was, kind of,
and why I was there. No one grilled me
and didn't seem to understand.
They got it.
They got the bit.
Because it was a bit.
It was a huge, elaborate bit.
It is an elaborate, life-changing bit.
Now, you're, of course, known for your bits on Fuel TV.
Sure.
Did you come in a crazy costume or with a premise?
No, no.
I just wore a suit, and I got a tie that was the same color as the bridesmaids' gowns.
Ooh.
Okay.
Is that good or bad?
Rob's looking at me because he knows.
Rob and I occasionally correspond about things on Put This On.
Sure.
I'm not a big supporter of tie that matches the bridesmaids' gown.
I didn't think so.
I asked him.
I brought some options.
One of them was a tie that matched the bridesmaids' gown.
No, look.
I'm not blaming you.
I'm definitely in support of doing
whatever the people who are getting married say
and only discouraging them
if you're actually close enough to do that reasonably
from doing some weird thing.
But it was nice.
And I definitely feel like I
I did not
grow up with a big family. It's kind of
just if I would describe my family, it would be me, my
mom, and my sister. I don't, you know, we don't have.
We have some very nice extended family,
but we don't see a heck of a lot of them. Did your older
brother die? Because mine did. Yeah, I know.
Way to one-up me. Keep going. He's some sort of monster?
Keep going, man. He's a wolf?
He had a wolf? He had a Frankenstein.
Go on. Okay, Baby Frankenstein.
So I really love it when
I just get to like... Real quick, do you guys
want to pitch Baby Frankenstein?
Oh my god
I feel like Rob might be able to play a Baby Frankenstein
Because he has kind of a cherubic charm
I like it
But he also has
Sort of a broad-shouldered physicality
Guys, for the doctor
Putting this out there
Bradley Cooper
Do you guys see it? Do you see it?
That's really good. It sounds weird at first, but think
about it. No, that's really good. Are we talking, what is
this, like $8, $15 million?
Opening weekend? No.
Budget. Budget. We gotta talk budget.
It's 3D, right?
You're talking about...
What are you talking about? The budget for the
film or a Bradley Cooper budget?
I put the Bradley Cooper budget at
8 to 8.
What does it cost for Cooper to show up?
You gotta drop, what,
a mil? Cooper officiated my wedding.
Did he? No. Bradley Cooper.
Wow. How much did that cost?
A mil? Well, back then he'd only done
Wet Hot American Summer, so yeah.
Nothing.
But it was nice. I like it i love it i like it when i
get to like be inside of a big crate happy family for like a little bit because it is like it is
like kind of unusual to have all sorts of cousins and like all their friends are really really nice
and we did uh we all went drinking and it was great um so yeah way to go way to go oh and what
leah is referring to um is uh everybody was asking me if i was going to
dance at the reception and for some reason my opinion of dancing it has gone from maybe in
high school enjoyment to like in college kind of ambivalent and now in adulthood i am terrified of
it me too yeah i don't want to do it and um yeah i'm surprised that you wanted to do it in high school i don't really know a'm surprised that you wanted to do it in high school.
I don't really know a lot of males that wanted to do it in high school.
That seems insane to me.
I was afraid of it in high school, too.
Let me correct that.
Sure.
Straight males.
Sure.
No, no.
Well, in high school, I made my identity goofy guy.
Right.
So I liked to go to a dance and goof around.
You'd get in the middle of the circle and do some funny. Sure. Right. So I like to go to a dance and goof around. You get in the middle of the circle and do some funny... Sure.
Great. Swing dance
revival was big when I was in high school.
Of course. Sure. So I enjoyed
that.
But now, nothing
seems like less fun to me.
Rob, similar? Is this a
problem at weddings for you? Oh, yeah, yeah. I don't
dance at... No, I didn't dance at my own wedding.
You're also a celebrity. So unless you're at a celebrity wedding people are watching there's a
lot of eyes on you like that's rob cordy from hot tub time machine can't dance at all and i can't i
wish i could dear gawker and it's not like i was out clack like i was in a room filled with Midwest white nerdy hipster.
Like, I was fine.
Like, I mean, I was in my comfort zone.
Everyone was probably about as good a dancer as I was.
So I was, I, you know, I sat there.
I was like, I'm going to do it, going to do it, going to do it.
Got drunk, got drunk, got drunk, got drunk.
And I was finally kind of drunk enough.
I'm like, I'll give this a shot.
I'll give this a shot.
So I went out there and did a little bit of dance.
And then someone from the bridal party leaned over to me and said,
you look miserable!
And not like in a fun way, but just like there's an honest,
like is something the matter with, like, do you need a doctor?
You don't have to do this.
There's other things to do.
You can stand around.
So yeah, way to go.
Yeah, Josh and Lee are the coolest.
It was really, really fun.
That's just because it's harder to get cocaine in St. Louis.
Yeah.
No, it's not.
Tell me about it.
Oh, really?
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no.
Are you being serious?
No.
No, totally not.
You want some?
What are you guys doing after this?
Want to go to St. Louis?
Want to go to St. Louis?
We'll drive.
We're walking. We're walking. I'm inspired. We'll stop at every? Wanna go to St. Louis? Wanna go to St. Louis? We'll drive. We're walking.
We're walking.
I'm inspired.
We'll stop at every orgy along the way.
What?
Well, that's fantastic.
Did you...
Were you...
What was the tone of the ceremony?
Was it a purely straight ceremony?
Well, here's the thing.
I don't mean was it purely straight in terms of...
Sexuality.
Sexual orientation.
Yeah.
No, no.
You know, they had a know They had They had a
They had things
They wanted me to say
It was pretty much
Handed to me
But they said
Like if you want to
Interject something
Do it
One of your trademark
Witticisms
Sure
So I thought
Oh well I mean
Like Doug Benson's
Signature stand up show
The Benson Interjection
Sure
So I
So I'm like
Oh well I should I should do Some of that just to, you know, earn my keep.
They had been so nice.
And I'm like, well, what's something kind of funny I could say that would also not seem too weird to the family?
So here's one of my inserted jokes that went over very well.
Oh, gosh.
I'm trying to think of the point in the ceremony.
It's like, oh, it's like, you know, you were all gathered here today because Josh and Leah want you to, you know, want to witness the commitment they are making to each other today.
Also, Josh would like everyone to stop making fun of his driving.
It doesn't really have anything to do with their relationship.
He just wants you to cut it out.
They liked it.
I think they liked it.
That is a really solid joke.
And people were making fun of his driving all weekend.
So it was like, oh, this guy's paying attention.
We all do.
So it seemed like, oh, that's universal enough.
You wrote down that Marty from Sales' wife is always coming in to sell Avon products. Right, sure.
And watch it when Bill's
girls have scout
cookie time.
I said awkwardly.
So yeah, I did a couple of those that went
good.
I did a toast that I feel like went pretty well.
It's kind of wonderful, right?
Yeah, it was great. I really loved it. It was a lot of fun.
Did you almost start crying at all?
No.
Okay.
I almost cried a little bit.
I almost cried a little bit.
Yeah.
It was really nice.
I was just sad that the bride was now taken.
Oh, ba-boom.
Keep an eye on her.
Keep an eye on this one.
Just kidding.
Well, congratulations, Jordan.
Yes.
Thank you.
I should be congratulated.
It doesn't sound like it's as magical as when I did it.
Way more fucking magical.
Jordan, I'm really proud of you, little guy.
Oh, that's bullshit.
No, in all sincerity, that's fucking tremendous.
Sure, it was fun.
And Jordan, I mean, look, I'm going to have a baby.
I'm not going to be able to fly around the country marrying listeners
I feel like you're going to be having an appointment
I'm going to start doing the yeoman's work on this
You know what
I feel like this should be an important part of our program
Marrying people
And coupling people off
Sure
Just setting people up and getting them married
With that fucking guy Dan
He went on a date because of our fucking show.
Sure.
I think this is the future of Jordan Jesse Go.
Promoting the patriarchal institution of marriage.
A heteronormative view of monogamy.
Buried by the books.
I want to be absolutely clear.
If I don't care what gender you're interested in,
we're going to pair you up, then we're going to marry you off.
Sure.
If we have to fly you to another state that's not your own, we'll do it.
Who does that?
We'll take care of business.
We're big supporters of marriage in all its forms.
Look, at the end of the day, if you want to marry a dog, we're going to let you do that.
Sure.
As long as you pay for our airfare.
We are at the bottom of the slippery slope.
But there are only like 20 states
that will allow that.
We'll go to them. Yeah, absolutely.
We'll walk to them. Sure.
We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.
It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.
I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Jordan Morris, boy detective.
Rob Corddry, king of pants.
Rob Corddry, one of the best in the fucking business.
You guys are great.
The greatest.
We're all great.
You are.
What?
Look.
We really did it today.
If you're out there, ask yourself this question.
Am I a fucking dipshit?
Am I some corn-pwned no-account from Nowheresville?
Sure.
Am I a brain-dead nincompoop of questionable morality?
Ask yourself these questions.
If the answer is yes, then by
all means, midnight's
Thursday, watch some
other fucking show. When you're
at Best Buy picking out DVDs,
don't buy the Children's Hospital
box set. If you
answered no to those questions,
your mission is simple and clear.
Go to the store.
Buy the box set.
Turn on your television.
Set your Tivos.
Watch this show.
This is a hilarious television show, Jordan.
This is a fucking funny show.
It is.
You're right.
You're absolutely right.
Lake Bell is on this show.
Watchmen Lady is on this show. He lady is on this show watchman lady the fucking fawns is on this show here's a challenge for you if anyone out there is on the fence about whether
they should support this program and if you're wondering how we feel about it. Listen to the Sound of Young America interview with Henry Winkler.
If you come away with that, not wanting to, without an overwhelming, all-encompassing need, a burning, overwhelming, beyond comprehension desire to support that man in any way that you can,
then you're not even a human being.
That's what I think of you.
You're not even human.
You're sub-human.
You are,
at best,
an ape.
Probably a monkey.
Some kind of ape.
You're probably a monkey. You of ape you probably a monkey
you probably got a tail
not a vestigial tail
no
a real functional tail
that you use
to grab mangoes
Rob Corddry our guest
way to go
thank you Rob
thank you so much
for being here
not an ape
thank you
we're headed off
to MaxFunCon next weekend
yes
I don't know
that might mean
that next week's show
we are going to be
doing a show at MaxFunCon I don't know it might be mean that next week's show, we are going to be doing a show at Max Fun Con.
I don't know.
It might be a little bit late,
but it's going to be...
I'm really excited
about Max Fun Con.
I'm really...
I think this is going to be
our best one yet.
I think it is too.
I mean, you know
there are things
that you can count on
that you know
are going to be great.
You know there's going
to be great comedians.
You know that our awesome pals
like John Hodgman
are going to be there.
You know that you don't
have to worry about
Corddry being there.
Sure.
Yeah, Corddry free.
Fucking things up.
He'll be in St. Louis getting some coke.
No, I think it's going to be great.
Andy Richter is going to come.
Have I even told you Andy Richter is going to come?
You didn't mention that.
Andy Richter is going to be doing the ASCAP monologue.
I've already jerked it to that fact.
It's really going to be a blast.
I'm really looking forward to it. So we're going to be there next week, and we're going to be a blast.
I'm really looking forward to it.
So we're going to be there next week,
and we're going to record a show.
It might be a couple days late up on the feed,
but it will be out there.
And yeah, thanks to everybody for listening.
PoundJJGo is your hashtag on Twitter.
Our email address, jjgo at MaximumFun.org. If you want to sponsor an episode of the show,
Teresa at Maximumfund.org if you want to sponsor an episode of the show Teresa
at maximumfund.org
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Jordan Jesse go yay