Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep 52: Jordan, Jesse Game!

Episode Date: February 25, 2008

Guest co-host Kevin Pereira of G4's Attack of the Show and the gang discuss the awkward moments at a video game conference, the fact that the internet is stealing their souls, and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, netty, twiddle, dumm, Go video game, a real live television host co-hosting with us the saddest nerds and more.

Let's go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. I am Jordan Morris, Jesse Goh. I am Jesse Thorne, Erica's radio sweetheart. I am Jordan Morris, boy detective. A special guest this week, it is Kevin Pereira. He is the host of G4 Television's Attack of the Show. Kevin, welcome to the program. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for the wooden chair.

It's very comfortable. Did you know that my granduncle made that chair with his hands? Can you explain lumbar support to your uncle? No, it has a nice lumbar support. That's what's nice about it. It has a wooden rod that's jamming into my spine, is what it has. It's a different kind of lumbar support.

A painful, unpleasant one. I thought you said lumber support. No, yeah. It supports the other pieces of lumber in the chair. He supported the lumber industry when he made that chair. Uncle Aaron. I want to be clear that when I said that he made it with his hand... Uncle Memory Foam.

My great Uncle Memory Foam NASA pad made that mattress. I'm guessing that he probably didn't just use his hands. He probably had a lathe. Maybe... Well, nevertheless, I'm going to sit up. This is perfect posture here so thank you sitting up

makes you that's what makes the chair work and I want to thank Kevin for being the first guest to ever bring treats yes

oh that is true Kevin brought a lovely box of donuts for us to eat before exactly Coco the dog thought it was

a box of donuts for her to eat she got confused on that issue. Coco has been wanting diarrhea lately. And she was excited because she thought you guys were finally listening to her. I heard you had new carpets, so it was the least I could do. It turns out that when a dog is barking, that's what it's actually trying to communicate. I would like to have diarrhea.

My stool is too consistent and firm. It goes back to when they were pack animals. By the way, our introduction to this week's program is inside an elementary school. If you hear school children in the background, that's why we're taping this introduction inside of an elementary school.

We'll probably be arrested soon. Yeah, I'm actually not allowed within 200 feet of any place where... I mean, I just... I walk down the street and Amber Alerts just get issued. For no reason at all, Your Honor. Can I ask you guys a question about elementary school? This is just a real quick question. Do you guys have, like, could you get milk at your elementary school?

Like, where you would get a cold carton of milk at the elementary school? Sure, seems pretty standard. Was it frozen at your elementary school? No, yeah, there sometimes were bits of ice in it. Isn't that weird? What was going on? I would have killed for a bit of ice. Mine was always warm. Like, the carton itself was soggy, the milk was warm. Oh. No, I'm talking about, like, you could hurt someone with it, because it's frozen solid, and for some reason they're delivering it to you as though it's a beverage, and not a popsicle of some kind. Did you actually buy milk in elementary school?

Did you purchase milk to drink? Yeah, well, I... I don't think I ever did. Yeah, no, I think you're in the minority. I think most Americans purchase milk in elementary school. Yeah, I mean... It teaches you about, like, you know, commerce. I don't think there was other choices.

Did you have other choices in elementary school? Oh, yeah. We had a plethora of choices. In Antioch? We had in good old Antioch. In fact, we were a pilot school for some lunchtime programs. Oh, really?

So you got the McRib before anybody else. We really did. It really explains volumes about the obesity rate in East Bay, California. So you were actually the first person

to get Reagan's Ketchup as a Vegetable program. Exactly. No, we had a, you know, getting into junior high and high school was far better. I mean, this is a departure from milk, but we had the Taco Bell burritos and the Pizza Hut pizza. There was even an attempt at sushi at one point,

but the children revolted and vomited profusely. That sounds revolting. But yeah, so we had quite a collection. Yeah, that's what I wanted, a government-funded municipal sushi. Yeah. Something to do with it. Finally, someone has combined the delicacy of raw fish

with the sheer power of our nation's government bureaucracy. So sushi. Wow. Yeah, sushi, Taco Bell burritos, and Pizza Hut pizza. The big thing at my school was you could get, when I was in high school, it was the only time I ever had a cafeteria. I went to a very small elementary and middle school, but my high school had a cafeteria. And the thing was that people would just get, like if you were poor enough, which I'm not ashamed to say I was, you qualified for free school lunches, right?

And so you would just go and get the free school lunch, but the free school lunch was so horrible, you would just get it so that you could get chocolate milk. And that was, you'd forego any nutritional value that might have been provided. So you would just do your lunch the way a normal person would do their lunch, like you would make a lunch for yourself at home, or you would, you know, buy a lunch at school or whatever. But then you would, you would supplement it with like one of the six elements of the school lunch. Like you would get the whole school lunch. You would like to peel off the plastic that it came in. You would like poke around. You'd pull out like the oatmeal cookie and the chocolate milk and just throw everything else away. Right. The delicious parts

of the food pyramid. Yeah, exactly. You know, there's a reason it's at the top of the food pyramid. Exactly. Because it's the best food to eat. Yeah, you know, I make it sound like our high school was a culinary cuisine type, you know, establishment. Yeah, it sounds like a real spa go. Yeah, no, no, no.

It was complete shit. You went to high school with Alice Waters, right? The legendary vegetarian chef of the East Coast. No, not at all. Not at all. But it was one of those things where no one could afford any of the actual food that was being provided. And so the one well-to-do kid that went to the school, you'd pre-buy your lunches. And so they'd give you an ID and a card and a number, and it would get to the point where in line you'd just say your number,

1273, 1286, whatever it is. Sounds more like a Nazi prison camp than a lunch line. It's a fun camp. But you'd always try to get in line behind that kid, hear his number, and then you'd go up and just say his number, and that was one kid feeding the entire line, which I think is... Oh, interesting. You would just... And they wouldn't notice that two people in a row had the same number.

You know, for some reason the lunch ladies lacked the prowess to notice that the same number was being used 12 times in a row. Interesting. That's unusual. Well, anyway, we've got a lot of fun stuff to come on Jordan, Jesse, Go. We'll be back in just a second with more. It's Jordan, Jesse, Go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

With us, Kevin Pereira from G4 TV's Attack of the Show. Can you announce me as a cable television darling? Everybody has fun titles. Too derivative. I brought donuts. It's too derivative. You know what? No more pastries for you.

Donut bringer. What about don't think about that? Bringer of dough. Can we call him Donut Kevin Pereira? Yes. I like Donut Kevin Pereira. Okay, what about Kevin Sprinkles Pereira? Yeah!

I prefer glazed. Okay. No, you're Sprinkles. All right, Sprinkles Pereira? Yeah! I prefer glazed. Okay. No, you're Sprinkles. All right, Sprinkles it is. Bearclaw Pereira. Anyway, Jordan, Sprinkles, you guys are both video game enthusiasts. And Jordan, you went to, you always have to go to these conferences. I went to a conference, too, this week.

I went to a public radio conference, and it was shitty. Snooze. I know. God, public radio is so lame. I imagine a lot of yellow notepads and pencils and maybe an occasional paper airplane riling the group up. From the cut up of the group.

It was really brutal. It was supposed to be the cool public radio conference. Again, I went to another conference, supposed to be the cool public radio conference. Apparently, guys, I learned this at the Convergence of Digital Media and Public Radio Conference. Apparently, blogs are a big thing. Yeah. Whoa.

It's a big deal. The kids. Bloggers. They'll hula hoop, skateboard, and blog. From what I understand, if you have a... At the same time. That's what they do, multitasking. If you have a show, you can invite bloggers onto your show as guests, just like real journalists.

Wow. That's pretty amazing to me. What kind of conference? But let's be clear here. as guests, just like real journalists. Wow. That's pretty amazing to me. What kind of conference? But let's be clear here. No blogger is a real journalist. No, absolutely not. What kind of conference did you go to, Jordan? I went to the GDC in San Francisco, which is the Game Developers Conference.

And I'm about to start a story. Sounds like a cool scene. I think that there's probably a segment of listeners who tune out or fast forward when i start to talk about video games but i i promise that this is going to start out as a conversation about video games and turn into a a secret sex party yes well larger discussion of relationships that i think everyone can have fun with so i okay so should i keep my pants on for this or uh yeah I mean, you're going to have to keep your pants on. You didn't bring your vampire tee. That's true.

I do have glow sticks in my car, though. If you want to really turn this into a cuddle party, just play some EuroTech now. And remember, rule number seven, no dry humping. Gotcha. Fair enough. Gotcha. Jesse, start the craft work.

The Aussie robots. Boom, boom, boom, boom. So the Game Developers Conference, my job sent me there with kind of the aim of doing a story on hot new video games, and there's not a ton of that there. It's mostly, you know, like... It's for developers. It's for the people who make these things, not the people who play them. It's more like hot new versions of C++. It's mostly you know like. It's for developers. It's for the people who make these things not the people who play

them. It's more like hot new versions of C++. Yes exactly. New, it's like new fabric codes for the Havoc engine. Oh look at this new pixel shader guys. Come on you gotta see this. Yeah yeah exactly. But there is

a little bit of hot new games and there was enough of it to my headphones are coming unplugged Yeah, yeah, exactly. But there is a little bit of hot new games, and there was enough of it to... Oh, my headphones are coming unplugged because Coco is dogging around. Uh-oh. Jesse says it's an honor when Coco wants to chew something on your shoe or hump your leg or try to bite your taint.

Hey, wait a minute. So it's sweet now that I know exactly how Coco works. You're confusing stuff that Coco does with stuff that happens at a secret sex party. Anyways, the highlight for me and the place where this story I'm going to tell takes place was there was a little hotel

room rented out by Capcom where they had Street Fighter 4 machines set up. Holy cow. Wait, Street Fighter 4? Street Fighter 4 is being made and there was a playable build. That can't be the full title, though. It has to be Street Fighter 4 Alpha Strike Force Revision 2

B Hyper Extended Edition Ultra. Exactly,.5. Yeah. Nice hair edition. A warrior's plight roaming the world looking for fights. No, it's just Street Fighter 4 now, and it's really, really fun.

This is just Street Fighter 2 with more characters, right? There's some cell shading involved. Oh, I gotcha. So, yeah. Anyways, so I was in this hotel room, and needless to say, this is just—this is dork central. This is totally, like, as big a collection of dorks as you will see, you know. Because guys who are still into fighters and are excited to play those new fighters, they're like the new D&D guys.

Yeah, yeah. They really are. They might as well be rolling dice. Right, yeah. Someone who pines for the return of the 2D fighting game. Exactly. It's a special kind of dork. But what's going on in this room?

You're in there. Anyway, so this person, these people are button combination enthusiasts. Yeah. Sure. And so there's one girl. There's one girl in there. And she is, you know, she's probably, you know, a journalist for something. And, you know, she's very, very cute in the way a female video games journalist would be.

You mean in the way that any female in a room where Street Fighter is being played is attractive. Right, exactly. She has red stripe in her hair, little metal lunchbox where she keeps all her stuff. Right. Anyways, and she is chum in the water. I mean she's like surrounded by, um, these kind of... You won't believe the fireball that I can make. Sure, sure.

And I would like to dragon punch you. She's like, that's not... You want to punch me? I want to give you a low, fierce combo. Ooh, wow. Um, into standing jab. fierce combo. Wow. Into standing jab.

Anyways, she's talking about, and she's being, you know, she's being the belle of the ball. She's being, you know, she's being very cute and very flirty, and she's anyways, and there's a new character in Street Fighter 4 who's very bosomy. There's a bosomy female character.

Not really in line with the Street Fighter aesthetic, if you ask me. It's more of a Tekken thing. But they're making a Western appeal, which means enhanced cleavage. More polygons per areola. Anyways, and she's like, well, I could probably beat all of you guys at this because you're probably just distracted by the CGI bosoms. And all the guys laugh a little too hard. And this one guy says, hey, yeah, I'll take them where I can get them.

And in this same trip, a friend of mine told me this similar story of this kind of... And then he vomited tears. Yeah, of this thing I wanted. And this friend of mine was out on a date right uh with a guy and they were um and they were like saying goodbye and it was kind of a you know from what i understand it was kind of a you know c plus c minus kind of date and he's like do you want to come back to my place she says uh you know not really he's like i've been uh i've been celibate for six months. Not by choice.

And then he called his mom and asked for a ride home. Right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. And it's this odd thing that I've been, you know, I feel like I've been, I've always seen and maybe it's just a shame to admit I've participated in once or twice was that when a dork is trying to talk to a girl, being unusually self-deprecating. So I don't know. I mean maybe it's like the – See, I don't know that it's being unusually self-deprecating so much as it is just being honest. Like the whole not by choice comment, that's true. The take it where I can get it, that's just brutally true.

These guys don't know how to censor themselves or phrase themselves in a way that don't make them sound as desperate as they truly are. So you're accusing these people of maybe having a relatively high number on the autism symptomatic scale? I'm saying if they took a Java web brain test, the little circle with the results would skew so far off the screen you'd have to scroll horizontally. I don't know. results would skew so far off the screen you'd have to scroll horizontally i don't know i'm gonna say i'm while that's i think a valid theory i'm gonna say that you know it's it's trying to appeal to the part of these girls that's seen i'm trying to think of an example of a movie but really the only one i can think of right now is angus if anyone can think of a better um a better example of a movie um where the kind of awkward dork

gets the girl in the end. Oh, I thought you were just going to ask for a better example of a movie. Try! Howard the Duck? Nope. Angus is better. Oh.

Okay, I'm stumped. Yeah, yeah. Howard the Duck was what I was going to say, too. It's the go-to for everyone. Have there been other movies? Not since Angus. Before Angus. Do you really think

they're trying to appeal to that like, hey look, I'm so broken and so weak or so meek and so miserable you can do me a favor by dating me or coming back with me? Right, it's like, yeah. Because I don't think they're that methodical with it. think that all all coolness that that some of these guys might

have is completely shut down when the girl enters the room i mean there's a radial effect of a woman that's how they look at it in a video game yeah it's like you're you're negative 10 to dexterity right now i can't artfully dodge around the fact that i want to have sex with you please please you know well as a guy okay i've i can't name a specific instance um i mean but i i mean as a you know as a guy in who in high school was in the drama department um very active in the drama department yacht club and yachting um i mean i i guess i've done i mean i've done you know i've done I've tried to You've played Wounded Animal a little bit Yeah I have

And I can't It's never worked Never never never And I just you know Anyways wanted to I don't know I don't know wanted to coax the You know if there is a listener

You're playing Possum But it doesn't work You act like the Wounded Animal on the side of the road Please scoop me up and take me home But instead they kick you a little bit Sure sure And then hop back in the like the wounded animal on the side of the road. Please scoop me up and take me home. But instead, they kick you a little bit. Sure, sure. And then hop back in the Prius and continue on the highway. Yes.

I'm assuming you date girls that drive Prius. Wait, are you describing a girl or a possum? Some sort of... Okay, hold on. I'm sorry. I derailed this. Let's take this back to Angus. Right.

Wasn't Angus good? It was phenomenal. I agree with what you're saying. Angus was about a possum, right? Mm-hmm. I'm flummoxed. No, you're thinking of Black Angus Good. It was phenomenal. I agree with what you're saying. Angus was about a possum, right? Mm-hmm. I'm flummoxed. No, you're thinking of Black Angus. It's a restaurant where they serve possum.

You know, to your point, I agree wholeheartedly that there is a subset of guys out there that like to play wounded animal for girls. I completely get that. And I could see the nerdier guy going that route because they can't impress them with physical skills because, let's face it, they really aren't ninjas. They just play them on the PlayStation. They're really good at up, down, up, down. Exactly. And that's sadly

a DDR move or a fireball combo and not a sexual position. But I think that most of these guys, I don't think that's their MO. I think they literally... They're just saying things that are things. Right. They literally... No, that's... They're just saying things that are things. Right.

Okay. They're just used to just being themselves, which is what's got them into this hole half the time. Anyways. Why do you guys both look at me at once? Well... After you finish that conversation. Oh, because we were...

I'm engaged. Yeah. A likely story. Beard. Beard. You're gay. I'm engaged in the world of warcraft my guild wife just gave me a 20 platinum did we talk about the guy who uh named oh his world of world warcraft carrier character chip dipson yet we didn't uh did that happen yes there's a guy uh there's a guy who's

posts on the forums he emailed me a picture of his uh world of warcraft character chip dipson we uh we were talking about funny names for characters and comedy sketches the other day and uh i came up with chip dipson that's fantastic and chip dipson also has a friend named dip dobson dip dobson yeah um i mean so to neatly round out this discussion of, you know, this is a whole thing. I want to make a suggestion to all guys who are thinking of using the wounded animal strategy when trying to pick up on a girl. Instead, use the mind control strategy. Yes, use code words. And lightsabers. Yes, use code words. And lightsabers.

Yes, and vocal triggers. I'm going to say, probably safer and more successful to go the route of kind of fakely bombastic. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Like Shaggy?

Yes. Oh, Shaggy. Like Shaggy? Yes. Oh, Shaggy. Okay. Well, you made an Angus reference. I can make a Shaggy reference. All right? I'm allowed. Okay, so if in the same situation...

I was thinking of Shaggy Doo, I guess. What's that? Wait, no. Shaggy? A Shaggy hairdo? No, Shaggy the guy from Scooby-Doo. Okay. Isn't that a guy from Scooby-Doo?

It is. Yeah? Isn't that like the guy... We wereDoo? Okay. Isn't that a guy from Scooby-Doo? It is. Yeah. Isn't that like the guy who... We were all thinking of a different Shaggy. You were just thinking of a carpet. Yeah. He was thinking of Shaggy. But what...

I'm captivated now. You got me. What do you mean by bombastic? You're like... So if the girl is like, Hey, you guys are probably all distracted by the CGI tits. You know. And then maybe the other guy could have said,

it's not the CGI tits, but it's all the girls who are text messaging me pictures of their tits. Man, I can't stop these girls. I think that would be better. So you're saying when you say... Look at this cell phone. I can't hold all these tits on my phone. Yeah, come on, ladies. I need another cell phone.

So you're saying now... There's only so much memory on this Blackberry. I want to dig into this a little bit, Jordan. Sure, sure. Now, you're saying that they should do this, but the way you said it, I wasn't sure if you meant that they should be saying it as a joke or they should be saying it know, attempt at falsehood.

No, no, yeah, a joke, absolutely. Like, that seems to be the better joke to make, rather, you know, just some, you know, out there, you know. It's the act as if mentality. Exactly, because it's so kind of get across. Act as if you've actually seen or felt actual breasts in your life. It kind of gets across that idea that I'm a dork because we can all laugh because clearly tiny squat Asian guy isn't getting text messages of tits.

And so that idea is still in there is that I'm not exactly a ladies' man. But we can all have a laugh and there isn't that gross, kind of uncomfortable element of truth in there right anyways but that's my suggestion that's that's a valid point yeah that's great i feel like we've is there a scoreboard can we ding one up can we oh i'm i'm doing one in my head you guys have zero oh shit your game sucks my mind control suggestion didn't work? No. Yes, it did.

I would have contributed more and maybe earned a point, but I keep getting text messages of tits on my iPhone, and it's now full. Nice. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Kevin Sprinkles Pereira. Yes! Way to go, Sprinkles. I'm sorry, I was just trying it out. I didn't mean to hop in. No. It fits well. No, you're on it.

I'm happy that you did it, Kevin. Thank you. Basically, what being a guest here on Jordan, Jesse, Go! is all about is getting to that point where you feel comfortable jumping in with your own nickname, an appropriate nickname that we've approved. Sure. Not some bullshit nickname. That we've focus grouped.

Yeah. I mean, we've passed it around a little bit, and we kicked it. The kids really like that. You did some spot testing on this? I checked in at the elementary school in which we recorded the introduction. And yeah, no, they're 100% behind. In between throwing frozen cartons of milk, they said Sprinkles is in fact the new nickname? No, they said it made them feel excited and ready to purchase products.

Well, that's good. Exactly. It was sort of like a cartoon toucan. The state you want a child in. Yeah, exactly. Sprinkles is the cartoon toucan of nicknames. I'm happy to have it. Thank you.

Gosh, before we... Yeah, okay. I'm sorry. We kind of had something planned. I'm going to derail a little bit. I think this is kind of the elephant in the room. Jordan, I'd like to... Jordan, let me interject here.

There's an elephant in the room? I like to keep this program streamlined, as you know. I know. You're rigorous. This is your front line. Jordan, we're moving off the schedule that I've made and posted.

I know. Elephant in the room. Please. Loyal uh might remember a few i know where you're going you know okay a few months back um and they're probably like when are they going to get to this when are they going to get to this this is something we have to air a few months is this a trap is ashton kutcher going to pop out someplace and punch me in the throat trap you're not a real celebrity kevin thank you don't flatter yourself i didn't know if you guys were aware of that or not i don't know

if that was the elephant in the room by the way ashton kutcher's getting lazy he's just punching people that's yeah that's the setup it's like it's like oh i got punched by ashton kutcher no you didn't you actually got punked I was punked. But it was a real punch. Part of my job is doing kind of goofy, kind of theme-based red carpet interviews. You know the red carpet. It's what celebrities walk down in a movie premiere. Sure, sure, sure. Before a movie.

And your show, Attack of the Show, does, you know, cover some of these same events. Right, movie premieres and junkets and all that. Yes, and I often see the Attack of the Show crew

and, you know. And you guys have a very similar demographic, a similar target audience. Yeah, I mean, I often... Similarly formatted programs. I think if you kind of took out the wakeboarding and inserted video games.

Yeah, yeah. Just, you know, we have a little more, you know, talk about vert ramps and you have a little more talk about Bluetooth. And Bluetooth, yeah. Anyways, but some of the same elements. And I saw... I went to a movie premiere and your guy, your host, had a costume on. He was dressed up, he was a fat guy dressed up as Dracula. Oh, yeah, fat Dracula.

And I got really. When you say fat Dracula, it works. Yes. But you got, what was the reaction? I got real mad and I thought that you guys were stealing my thing. Which is dressing up in an outfit. I know. And I thought that you guys were stealing my thing. Which is dressing up in an outfit. I know. And I recognize that... Is that what you do on the red carpet?

Yeah, it's part of my thing. He's been doing it for a long time. You know, I kind of maybe said on this show that I wanted to start a feud with G4. I've since gotten over it because no one listened.

No one responded. A one-sided feud is no fun. If you like to Indian leg wrestle, we can clear out some floor space here. I have some warming sensations on me. Jordan, I want to further clarify here. You said that there wasn't any reaction. Recently,

I was talking head on Kevin's show where I pretended to know about various technology-related things. HD, DVD, Blu-ray war. Heroes, et cetera. Is that what we talked about? Yeah, we talked about the television program Heroes. Oh, all right. Which I've never seen.

But so I was a guest on Kevin's show, and the response was very positive from our audience. A lot of fans of Attack of the Show in the Jordan Jesse Go Maximum Fun world. Sure, I think so. There's a lot of overlap. However, what I heard a lot of was, why didn't you address the feud? Yeah. why didn't you address the feud? Yeah. And I got at least half a dozen emails from people saying,

I saw you on G4, why didn't you address the feud? I will speak for the network and the show, which I don't often do because I just don't care to. Can you speak on behalf of Fat Dracula? I cannot. Do you have, for example. What about the E! Entertainment family of. For example, Kevin. I can speak for the CEG umbrella of networks, Style, family? For example, Kevin. I can speak for the CEG umbrella of networks.

Style. E. Do you think you could obtain Fat Dracula's power of attorney? No, I can't even get him to friend me on MySpace, sadly. But I can say that we were blissfully unaware of this feud, but now that it's come to my attention, I'm very uncomfortable. Yeah, good. That's what I wanted. Okay, I'm back into this feud now. So that it's come to my attention, I'm very uncomfortable. Yeah. Good. See how you... That's what I wanted. Okay, I'm back into this feud now. So now you're good to go.

As long as you're pissed. I'm on the attack and I'm going to say that we have one-upped the idea of dressing for a red carpet premiere when we premiered Rock Dolphin. Wow. Rock Dolphin? Rock Dolphin was an animated dolphin who plays electric guitar and interviews people on the red carpet, speaking in squeaks.

Ouch. I've got to step up my game. That's very good. And all you could see in the frame was a fin and a microphone, and then occasionally cutaways of Rock Dolphin nodding. So we're getting away from the costumes on the red carpet for it's worth because we're taking it to the next level. Jordan, I don't— And that's what we do when we feud. You know what?

We don't grab sticks or stones. We just innovate. You use creativity. Jordan, I think you would agree that you and I are very good friends. Sure. And I would never speak ill of you or your creative work. Right. Of course.

That sounds like an amazing dolphin to me. I know. That sounds like one of the best dolphins of all time, Jordan. I guess I'm going to have to step up my game with my new character, a guy who swears a lot and they don't beep it, even if it's on TV. Uncensored profanity man. You finally nailed the male 11 to 14 demo.

Exactly. They're buying Slim Jims. They're listening to their iPods. They're enjoying the word cunt. Said by me. I think that this feud needs a physical element. I was hoping you were going to say theme song. Because yes, it does.

And I think Rock Dolphin could come in. Rock Dolphin can compose it, and you could just swear profusely throughout the entire chorus if you'd like. Rock Dolphin, by the way, not to be confused with Rock Lobster. No, that's the thing. This is completely different. Again, original. When you think G4, you think original.

Whether it's Fat Dracula or Rock Dolphin. Fat Dracula. Do you think there could be a fight, Jordan? A physical? Like, who would I fight? good fighter kevin or would i fight fat dracula i would love to see well in this case i would like i would prefer if you fought rock dolphin but i guess it would be better for the feud if you fought fat dracula although you know what maybe who maybe the guy on your show i should be feuding with is the guy zach he seems to be more my equivalent. Yeah, absolutely.

And actually, oddly enough, and this is a bit of behind the scenes for you guys, watch out, Fat Dracula, best friends of Zach. Really? Zach brought Fat Dracula on. How about it? The idea belonged to our executive producer, but it's his buddy.

So maybe a tag team match? What happened? Was there just a meeting at G4? Does anyone know anyone fat? Hands raised. Can he look like Dracula? Do we have fangs? Get him on the carpet.

Get him out there now. Get him out there. Put him in makeup. I wish there was that much thought going into things, but I'm sure someone just showed up and we had the teeth lying around and they said, okay, how do we make a bit out of this? Jordan.

Yes. I'll fight alongside you. Thank you. If you can take Zack, I can take Fat Dracula. Fair enough. Now, I'm pretty fat. Do we have some sort of double team move? Yeah.

Up, up, down, down, up, up, down, down. That's to get 99 lives. It's like a reverse cowgirl pile driver type thing where you get into position. Well, first you have to do some sort of elaborate hand signal to the crowd. As far as I can tell, you're talking about gay stuff. No, no, there's no insertion. I mean, it's implied insertion,

and it's not gay if you're crying. So if that's how you signal the power move is not by waving to the crowd, it's actually by crying and getting in the fetal position, then you know the punisher or whatever cool nickname you give it is going to happen.

Listen, Kevin. Someone's going to get sprinkled. Kevin, we don't have to do a special move to imply insertion. It's a given from the moment you guys enter the ring. That's why I make this circle with my finger. Make a other finger penis. Then I go around to the other side of the circle. Wow.

To make it look like it's going in a butt. I see what you did there. In this case... Well, our network does... What we learned from that hand signal, by the way, is that the vagina and the butt are actually the same hole, just different sizes.

Just different entrances. It's the delivery entrance. It's basically just in the human human being there's basically a tube that goes from back to front in the torso hip area anyways sorry the bottom line is we do nerd mma i don't know if you've seen it on our network where you actually do mix we have mixed martial arts fighters battling it out for a round then immediately they have to complete a nerd challenge like arranging ipods in the order that they were released generation to generation deciding uh you know we have a board of you know david bowie and spock and you have to figure out who's who's the uh elf and who's the wizard or whatever all these

ridiculous nerd challenges playing street fighter on the snes so if you guys want to make it official right here right now we can do some nerd MMA. Yeah, I mean... We can make it happen. Well, I mean, I think this is maybe something for, you know, for a different show. I mean, if you want to get... Pussy. I'm sorry.

Whoa. There was a problem with my mic there. Did that pick up? To where it made you say pussy? What? No. I was going around the back of the microphone. Oh, okay.

Anus. Oh, boy. boy yeah i don't know this got blue fast it sure did it wasn't it didn't start out as a blue subject we really brought the blue in we had to focus to bring in the blue material into this subject matter i could see you panicking a little bit. On the other hand, Jordan, I mean, I want to be right up front about the fact that last week's episode, Balls and Calls, was one of our most popular ever. What did I miss last week? I talked about my kidney stones.

And they made his balls hurt really bad. So he ended up saying balls a lot and I just laughed every time he said balls. Well, so is the feud over? I feel like it's just getting started. Maybe it's just... Actually, my enthusiasm for the feud had waned.

Now you have a renewed interest in the feud. Seeing what a jerk you are has made me hate G4 all the more. Fantastic. I mean, I think this beef is not going to get squashed unless we get BET and Minister Farrakhan involved. What are some other specialty cable networks we can... It must be a battle royale.

I'm taking down the CW, single-handedly. Well, you, like you said, you G4... That's broadcast, Zach. G4 is part of a family of networks that involve some really good specialty networks. I think we could do this with Style. The Style Network. I think we could place this as a special on the Style Network, don't you? Fox reality.

You know, when I was in the waiting room of G4 TV, there was like two sets of couches. I was sitting on one of the sets of couches, waiting for some producer to come get me or something like that. On the other set of couches, there was this meeting going on with these two blonde, giant-boobed twins who were talking about movies to this team of what I would guess were Hollywood producers. And the Hollywood producers were trying to get them to remember the names of movies that they had seen.

And then they figured out it was angus thinking about angus and i don't think i have ever been closer to the world of television than i was at that moment that was a magic moment that these just absurd crazy world women yeah they weren't it was weird like they weren't they weren't very good looking they weren't very good looking. They weren't not good looking. They did, but they were twins and they had giant boobs. Right. So it was really like being on, I don't know, like, I want to say blind date, but something weirder than blind date.

Like something more bizarro world than a blind date. Like one of the ones that's like blind date but it's one of the uh one of the ones where they use an infrared light to to find cum in your room exactly that's exactly the one yeah i watched that show the other day at the at the radio shack i was at the radio shack you just go to the radio shack to watch tv yeah it's a lot cheaper than paying for cable i don't have cable, so I was at the radio shack. And if you need to get a replacement phone jack. It's right there. The show was just like when they...

It's a show where a boy goes into a girl's room. Little room raiders. And then picks something up. Room raiders. Picks something up and then just makes outrageous claims about the girl based on that thing. Right. up and then just makes outrageous claims about the girl based on that thing right like she'll he'll like pick up a sock and be like oh she's got socks on the floor her feet are diseased right and they'll use an infrared light to search for cum she's got a baseball cap she's a

professional baseball player yeah and then there's that cum light yeah anyway i think we could incorporate the cum light into it if we did it for style network i'd be i wouldn't it's you know to get back to the the dichotomy that is our office and our building with when you have all these completely different networks there uh when we first moved in it was well specifically what you have i think is uh the nerd network and all the other completely the same networks. Precisely. And when we first moved in, it was sort of like, well, how's this going to work? And there were rumors that emails were being sent around saying, don't ask them questions about the toys on their desks.

Like these were like inter-office memos going around like we might be defensive about our Ragnarok dolls. Don't ask why the alien and predator hate each other. They just do. of Ragnarok dolls. Don't ask why the alien and Predator hate each other. They just do. So we move in

and we set up shop and we have all these game kiosks. We have a Dreamcast thing with Virtua Tennis and a GameCube or whatever. Wow, a Dreamcast. Cool.

Which, I love it. Oh, great. It's my favorite console. Virtua Tennis. I got that on my PlayStation. Yeah. That's a great game. The Dreamcast version

was the version. Yeah, you wanted the definitive version. I had Sega Sports Tennis. But I'm sitting in my cube. It's a good game, though Dreamcast version was the version. Yeah, you wanted the definitive version. I had Sega Sports Tennis. But I'm sitting in my cube. It's a good game, though. I'm sending some emails. God, you guys.

Not on the Dreamcast, Jesse, which makes everything better. Shut up. Don't talk to me until you've played Blue Stinger, okay? Oh, ouch. Did you like that game? No, I just, that's the first Dreamcast exclusive game I thought. I guess I should have said Samba de Amigo Oh god, that was so good

Or Seaman Sure, Jesse knows about Seaman My roommate, my senior year of college Well, what happened is He got a Dreamcast to play Some Japanese-only Fighter games or something Yeah, we wanted to play Street Fighter 3 Third Strike

And Last Blade and Garou Mark of the Wolves. But I just I had heard that when Dreamcast launched, Seaman was big news. I don't know if you remember that. That was huge. A little microphone attachment and you tap on the glass and adjust

the temperature of his water. Exactly. So I insisted that he buy Seaman. Like, I would not take no for an answer, nor would I buy it for him. But I insisted that he buy Seaman so that I could talk to the Seaman. I love Seaman.

I want to be absolutely clear. Seaman was awesome. It was this weird little fish with a face on it that you talked to inside your television. And it talked like it had the voice of Leonard Nimoy. And it had a really,

it was mean. I think Leonard Nimoy just narrated it, right? Oh, yeah, that's true. Leonard Nimoy did just narrate it. You're right. There was like

little cut scenes. Well, there was a sequel, too, by the way. There was a sequel. Japan only, right? Japan's only sequel, yeah. Well, if it speaks Japanese, it's not of any use to me.

I don't speak Japanese. It could still be fun. You could just yell in the microphone. It's a great excuse to learn Japanese. Jordan. I'm sorry. Kevin, you were telling a story. There's the Style Network and E in one building.

Then you guys move in with your Dreamcast and your Virtual Boy. And we're back on Seaman Talk, the Dreamcast Network. Caller. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. It rang home to me that we were in a new location when I was sending some emails and prepping for the show. And it was like there was a style tour group going by. And one of them goes, oh, my God, what's that thing? Takes out her cell phone.

And I'm like, there must be something there. What is that? And this long discussion happens. And there's all these, you know, lispy Orange County voices popping up and intruding into my cube. So I finally look up, and they're all crowded around the GameCube kiosk with their cell phones out, and they're snapping photos of it going, what is this thing?

This is so weird. And then someone finally says, I think it's one of those video games. And that's when I realized there was not going to be an inner office Virtua Tennis tournament. It just wasn't going to happen. What kind of crazy lipstick is that? Is that Ugg boots? It happened.

But thankfully, they've come around now. It's actually really cool to see the different girls from different networks sitting down at the Pac-Man machines or rocking Galaga and yelling at each other and going for high scores. It's been a couple months of transition, but we're there now. Here's my question. Has there been any cross G4E romances? And is that like a Romeo and Juliet situation? I wouldn't go through the cubes with the roommateer's blacklight, if I were you. That's all I'm saying.

Because the PlayStation kiosk is coded. It's just got a thick layer of cross-pollination on it. Gotcha. Briefly dated Ryan Seacrest. station kiosk is coated just got a thick layer of cross-pollination on it kevin brief briefly dated ryan seacrest yeah i wouldn't so much say dated i you know i brought him a balance bar and serviced him orally yeah ain't that always the way i know he's a he's a rolling stone can't get tied down to one cable host no not to mention one type of balance bar. No, he's constantly switching it up. That's how he stays fresh.

That's how he stays young. I always go with the peanut one, the peanut chocolate one, but he's like, berry. He's like, bring me a berry one. I want the yogurt flavored one. Yogurt berry. Play with my balls while you do that,

says Seacrest. I did learn how to read Prompto with a full mouth though so oh he was hey now quite the mentor

Seacrest does all this stuff on set you seem to be Seacrest-esque I would the thing is Seacrest has a very

thank you he has a busy schedule he just he flies a helicopter directly from set to set and once he hits the set, he needs his balance bar and his blowjob. I do not know about the latter part of that

segment, but I do know that they did fly him around by helicopter for the longest time because of LA traffic. He couldn't get from E to go over to the Fox Studios to do Idol. So they had to helicopter him from location A to B. I want to get to that point so badly. Can you helicopter onto the E? I think you can. I want to get to that point so badly. Can you helicopter onto the E?

I think you can. I want a zipline. I just want a zipline from the top of the Wilshire building to Santa Monica. It would be nice if there was a cable car. What about that? Like in the Swiss Alps? You know what I'm talking about?

Like a nice sky ride type of deal? Dirigible? Dirigible? Dirigible? Iigible? Dirigible? I'm going to go dirigible. I think dirigible is the way to do it. That would be easier if you went to the Empire State Building where there is a dirigible dock.

Isn't it nice that there was a period in our nation's history when preparing your building for the future meant making sure there was a dirigible doc. It was a brief but productive time in our nation's history. Well, we'll be back in just a minute. Feud's back on.

Okay. Feud's back on. Yep. I declare the feud. Wow. We'll be back. I could have defused it and instead I prodded it. I just went to the flames.

Red hot feud action. More family feud action. More family feud action. Oh, Jesus. In just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Kevin, can I ask you a question real quick? Yes, sir. Have you ever had the situation happen to you? You go to the movies, you get home, you call your buddy to tell him or her about the movie that you saw. They were like, oh man, I wanted to go see that movie, and you didn't

invite me. Has that ever happened to you, Kevin? Daily. Daily basis. You go to a lot of movies, Kevin. I need to. I'm a pop culture enthusiast. Yeah, you work in the entertainment industry. That's what I do. That's how I feed my kids. I mean, there's people around. There's twin boob women around you.

I mean, it's important to keep on top of the movies. And the first question that they're going to ask you is, what do you think of Cloverfield? Exactly. So there is a solution to that problem. Jordan and I know it. We're taking this opportunity to share it with you. And by extension, our listening audience. They're the sponsor of Jordan, Jesse, Go.

It's called IWantToSeeThat.com. Basically, IWantToSeeThat.com. It's what's called an internet website. It's online? Yes, digital. On computer. Uh-huh. You type in IWant to see that.com to what's called a bar and then you using keys then you uh click the buttons and you tell it what movies you want to go

see your friends do the same and then it informs you what movies both you and a particular friend want to go see or what movies you and several other friends want to go see. Then you can click again and it lets you make your plans to go to the movie. Wait, so not only will this website let me know that my friends are interested in the same content that I am, but it will allow me to schedule the viewing of that content. Oh, you bet your buttons. You know, they've also got some other, you know, it's not just movie planning. They have a forum and they have movie reviews and a podcast.

Exactly. That I was watching. They were very, if you want to see kind of a nerdy, kind of glasses-y, cute girl talk about upcoming films. I want to see that. Well,.com..com. Anyway, of course, it is all at IWantToSeeThat.com. Not only our

sponsor, but big boosters of Jordan and Jesse Goh as well. Sure. They're always so excited every time something interesting happens on Jordan and Jesse Goh, they email me because they love it so much. They time something interesting happens on Jordan, Jesse, go. They email me because they love it so much. They've emailed you twice. Jordan, I just want to make clear that this is not a mercenary arrangement.

These are like-minded people, the people who own this website. They're like-minded people who are sponsoring Jordan, Jesse, go because they personally, sincerely love the program. And also because they may have this website that they think people who like Jordan and Jesse Goh would also like. Sure. That's all I'm saying, Jordan. Synergy. Authenticity. Jordan, chances are the website would like to see the same movies you would, if it were a person.

Yeah. And you could actually use the website to facilitate that. Yeah. Just go to IWantToSeeThat.com. Use the internet. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.

Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin Sprinkles, Pereira. That was smoother. Okay. I was trying. That was nice. I typed it on my phone so I could read it like it was a prompter. Nice.

It came out exponentially better. Did you accidentally type in a question mark at the end of it? I did. It's the Ron Burgundy punctuation that really sells it. We had a couple of really juicy action items last week on the program. Kevin, for your information, from time to time we ask our listeners to act on some sort of action item, either by offering a comment to a very particular question or actually doing something. In this case, one of our action items was a listener had found $20 on his,

actually it turned out to be graduate school campus, and he thought, well, instead of keeping this and spending it on whatever, I'll send it in to the Sound of Young America as a donation, which I thought was very gracious, but I thought... You'll accept stolen money. Of course. But I thought, instead of...

Hey kids, steal money and mail it to us. Mama's Purse is a great place to support podcasting. So, what I thought was, instead of just pocketing the money and spending it on root beers,

what I would do is we'd open it up to suggestions from the audience. What should we do with this $20 to make the world a better place? I suggested one idea I had was we would go to the Rite Aid drugs where they have 99 cent ice cream, and we would buy 20 people an ice cream cone.

But Jordan, I think, probably correctly pointed out the caveat to that plan, the downside of that plan, which if you could summarize, Jordan. Sure. People don't want just a weirdo to give them an ice cream cone. Yeah, it's creepy. Yeah, it's a creepy plan. So we thought we would open it up to our listening audience to see if any of them had any ideas about what we should do with this $20. We got a couple interesting calls, so let's start. This is Adrienne from New Hampshire.

I'm calling about the $20 that someone found. I just want to comment that that made me feel like a horrible person because I once found $20 and I spent it on a book, candy bars, and cheap beer. So I think pretty much anything you do with it that's less self-centered than that would be good. So I hear that probably as an endorsement of getting some nice beer. Yeah, we could get a $20, maybe something micro-brewed. Ooh, a Chimay, a little Trappist Ale. Perhaps. Yeah, just something nice.

Something that monks have had their mitts on at some point. Their dirty monk mitts. Exactly, something made out of monks. Something from the show Monk, maybe. Hey, I was thinking with that $20 that guy sent you, to get a lot of mileage out of it, you could go to

an arcade, maybe one that has games that are like, you know, the games that only actually cost a quarter, and you could turn it into like just a ton of quarters and then just give the quarters out to people who want to play the game. That'd be a nice thing to do, and a bunch of people could take advantage of it. I mean, you could affect was that like 80

20 times 80 people video game experience at the arcade so that's just an idea for our audience Kevin was making the bong smoking motion what's the number I don't know I just want to play some games right now

that's all I wish I had some quarters I so want to play original games right now. That's all. I wish I had some quarters. Oh, I so want to play original Star Wars. Gotta play original Star Wars. So in the mood for vector graphics. So that was bring a sack of quarters to an arcade and basically make it free play for folks? There's a Korean arcade right down on the corner from my street called Family Time Center or something like that. That's the one off of, between Normandy and Ardmore.

Just Norm, yeah, it's just right there. I used to go there at 3 a.m. and play DDR with like 12-year-old Asian kids. It's awesome. Yeah, there you go. I guess what I'm picturing is not getting a lot of pleasure out of it because if I had 80 quarters in an arcade,

that would be only like 10 minutes of video game playing. Yeah, it costs $7.50 to play 20 seconds of Time Crisis 4. Yeah, right. So it's really not spreading the love that far. Yeah, I mean, even if I was playing like a Pac-Man or something like that, again,

I mean, you're talking to a guy who's only made it to level 2 of Super Mario Brothers, so... Yeah. Um... Maybe it's personal prejudice, and I mean, you're talking to a guy who's only made it to level two of Super Mario Brothers. So... Yeah. Maybe it's personal prejudice, and I know you guys are video game enthusiasts, but I'm inclined to give it the thumbs down. Yeah, I know. I've never been to at least an arcade in L.A.

There's a few arcades in L.A., and none of them are filled with fun, appreciative people. Yeah. few arcades in la and none of them are filled with fun appreciative people yeah i mean part of like part of making this a community project is would be like making friends you know brightening someone's day it's all just filled with like really upset teens yeah a lot of nerd rage and angst yeah this yeah this this doesn't even seem to be nerd i I don't know. It just seems to be like a kid who takes a knife to school. I don't know. They're all like, I don't know. That's a kind of nerd. Yeah.

It's a Counter-Strike player, is what you're saying. So you go to cyber cafes. Gotcha. Sure. There is a cyber cafe in the, anyway. There's also Sticker Machine. You know, that's my favorite. Those little Japanese photo booths that you walk into,

and you get to kick in, and it snaps the photo, and you get to add the stickers. That's my favorite. Those little Japanese photo booths that you walk into and you get to snap the photo and you get to add the stickers. That's a lot of fun. And it puts you in heaven. What if you put strangers in a photo booth with quarters from that 20? Brought them together sticker style? That's less creepy than giving someone some free

ice cream? Forcing someone to take a picture with a stranger? We're brainstorming. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Dan from Chicago. I'm calling because I had an idea for the $20 that you're looking to spend. Recently, my girlfriend and I went to Walgreens for a little corner store for a midnight snack. And we were kind of overwhelmed by the amount of candy options in

front of us. And there's a bunch of new candies out there like fiery cinnamon Twizzlers and peanut butter banana Elvis themed Reese's cups. So we thought we'd try a couple of these and especially the Elvis banana Reese's are pretty terrible. But with all these new candies out there, I'm not going to be able to try all of them. And maybe you guys can. You can spend $20 on various disgusting-sounding candies and let us, the listening audience, know what you think. Now, Jordan, I think we learned earlier in the program

that you're a bit of a pussy. Yeah, yes. Now Jordan, I think we learned earlier in the program That you're a bit of a pussy Yes But I think I have the courage To pursue that Yeah, I can eat a lot of candy I mean, it's going to be tough, Jordan Because there are going to be weird candies You see what I'm saying? You know what I'm talking about, Kevin

I'm picking up what you're putting down But is that going to help the community? Yes, because then they'll learn what candies to eat. Because we're, I mean, we have a nationwide, heck, international following, Kevin. I mean, I know you're only a domestic phenomenon. Sure. But in our case... We have a Swedish guy who listens, so that's something.

Yeah, exactly. There's a guy called Ari who kind of calls in and berates us occasionally from Iceland. So, all I'm saying is we could be doing a lot of good with that. Now, Jordan, I don't know. I mean, I don't know what your feeling is about it. I'm not ready to commit to it. Yeah, it's up there. But front-runner status.

If you think you can come up with something better than that, that's pretty good. That's good. That's solid. I'll try some fiery cinnamon Twizzlers. Here's one problem. I can't eat the chocolate. So if there's chocolate ones,

Jordan wouldn't have to eat the whole thing. And I don't know if you can handle that, Jordan. Man. Yeah. I mean, I have been trying to get less fat, but, you know. Yeah. I would say for a community service, you might need to suck it up, though.

And get a little more fat. And accept that it could be a migraine trigger. Uh-huh. Yeah, right. You know, because you were throwing around the P-bomb just then,

but then you said, oh, I can't have the chocolate. It's not good for my... My head might hoit. I can't... And what if I can't find my num-num? That's your pacifier.

That's what you call your pacifier. So I'm just saying. I do use a migraine pacifier. Handful of Tylenol could go a long way. Well, I'm going to throw it back out to the audience. I'm saying this is a good idea. I'm not convinced it's the best idea, though. Maybe it is.

I'd like to hear if there's a lot of interest in the audience for this. Yeah, if you are curious about candies. If there's some particular candy you're really interested in hearing about and you don't want to eat yourself. But I'm also interested in other ideas for things we could do with $20. Because I don't know about for you, Jordan. I mean, you're bringing home that television money. But for me... Telephone money.

You're bringing in that telephone money. You know how you're an operator for dell tech support on the weekends right you're tier two mr henry i'm making a motion of plugging yes you're patching things through i'm patching things through anyway home the... Beverly Hills, 492, please. I am bringing home the television money. So $20 isn't a lot of money to you. I mean, you pass out $20 like they were $10. Yeah. But in my case, $20... It's called making it rain, Jesse. I really want to make an impact with this $20.

Maybe we could go to a club. If we converted it to $1 bills, we couldn't quite make it rain. It can sprinkle. It could be an intermittent shower. Sure. What if we traded it in for like old pesos or Thai baht? We could get

a lot of Thai baht with $20. And then go and give it to strippers? Like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with this you're like I don't know take off the thing that's covering your boob yeah so I'm ambivalent

about it if you feel strongly about it either way if you've got a great candy that you'd like us to try or or alternately if you have a better idea for the $20 give us a call. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. Let's open those phone lines back up.

Hey, I have a cool idea about Jordan's balls, and that is to keep them hydrated, try drinking or dipping them into some nice carbonated LaCroix water, flavored water. The berry flavor is delicious, and it doesn't taste exactly like water, but it's almost entirely made of water. I just thought you would find that information useful. Well, one step ahead of you, friend. I purchased that water by the bottle. LaCroix berry flavor?

Yes. Did you pour it into a fondue pot and then actually dip, as he suggested? It hasn't happened yet, so I guess that part of the call was useful. So yes, I will be dipping my balls into a bubbly, fruity water. It'll make your balls

have a nice bouquet. Yeah. It'll be more effervescent. Yeah. I would think that not only would it make your balls smell nice, and not only would it make your be more effervescent. Yeah. I would think that not only would it make your balls smell nice, and not only would it make your balls more effervescent, I would say it might make your whole life more effervescent to have effervescent balls. Here's hoping. Hey, Jordan and Jesse, this is Adam in St. Clouds, Florida, also known as Ape Lad. Hey, I just got my wisdom tooth removed, and I thought I'd give you a call

and let you know how it went. It went horrible. It took them about 20 minutes. It broke. They had to leave a piece of it in there. I got to look at the tooth, and it looked shamefully disgusting. So I just thought I'd share that with you.

Oh, and the worst part was they had Fox News playing the whole time. He didn't even get to pick the channel. They had a TV in there, and he didn't get to pick the channel. Sorry, Fox News only. He probably would have picked G4. It's right in the wheelhouse. When you think painful dentistry-type operations, you think G4.

Absolutely. I want to take this opportunity. It's like having a wisdom teeth removed. I want to congratulate A. Blatt. A. Blatt, of course, very active on our forums and on the blog and so forth. Also an internet celebrity for his cartoon strip LOL Cats. But Ape Lad recently entered. The New Yorker had a contest to reimagine their mascot, Eustace Tilly.

You know, the guy, like the kind of aristocrat with the monocle. He's looking at the butterfly. And Ape Lad won not once but twice they picked i think it was maybe like 15 or 20 uh listener submissions out of the thousands that they received ape lad had one posted really big in the magazine the new yorker and he had one in the kind of extended edition on the internet so congratulations i thought that was pretty sweet. I didn't even know about the thing. I open up my New Yorker. I look at the thing.

It says, oh, this one's by Adam Cofford. I'm like, that's Aplad from MaximumFun.org. There you go. Maximum Funsters are making some power moves, Jordan. That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah. That's not helping the pain in the back of his mouth right now, though. No, it isn't.

That's the only problem. I don't think so. Let's see something big from you, Wade World. Yeah. That's not helping the pain in the back of his mouth right now, though. No, it isn't. That's the only problem. I don't think so. Let's see something big from you, Wade World. Yeah. I'm waiting. Wade Word, Jordan. Excuse me. Wade Word's got a lot of...

Alexander. I'd like to see something from Alexander on the fora. You know, the fora. Fora being the plural of forum. Forums. No, the fora. Yeah. Fora being the plural of forum. Yeah, forums. No, the fora. Yeah. Fora.

I'm currently a third year in law school. It's my final year in law school. And so me and some of my fellow law school cohorts decided to take a business course for a past sale credit to cushion our last semester a little bit. And we just got our first test results back. And a few of us did not do very well, like around the 50% range. Not very good at all. Failing, definitely. I was hoping to get some sort of pep talk from you guys so that I could hopefully do a little better than failing so that I could actually graduate law school this semester, as opposed to having to stay behind because of a course

I took for pass fail credit to cushion my last semester. Kevin. I just thought of something while we were. Oh, yeah? Fora and Fonam. Pretty good, huh? Kevin, you're a television personality. Yes.

It is your business to smile and be enthusiastic. It's what I do. If there's a red light on, yes. Yeah. Jordan, it's your job to entertain

and delight people using the medium of television. Sure. It's my job to speak forcefully and clearly and intelligently

on a broad variety of issues as a public radio host. I think between the three of us, we can give this guy a pep talk for the ages.

What do you guys think? Go get him, Tiger. Hey, JJ Goh. This is Ryan in Hartford, Connecticut, calling with a not-so-momentous occasion in honor of your recent show and podcast about testicle pain. The not-so-momentous occasion is that I just passed my 18th kidney stone. And at 26 years old, you can imagine how much fun that would be. I'm calling with some advice that could have been helpful a few weeks ago, it sounds. I am afraid of needles and therefore don't go to the doctor

and therefore have passed 18 kidney stones without prescription medication so if ever you find yourself experiencing kidney stones again and unable to get to a doctor or not wanting to be triaged to a waiting room couch I would suggest the following procedure what I do is I get in and out of a scalding hot bathtub, and ultimately when I'm not in the bathtub, wrap ice on my side, and the super heat and cold generally distracts you from the realization that a little pointy rock is working its way through your penis, which is nice. I also find that trying to talk to God and wondering what you did to deserve this

are good ways to pass the time. So I honestly hope you never need this advice, but if you do, there it is. So good luck and keep up the good work. Thanks. Bye. Jordan, you're 25 years old, right? Sure. So you've got a year ahead of you.

That's the 17 stone year. Oh, jeez. I kind of thought I was out of the woods. How afraid of doctors do you have to be? Are you not afraid of... But he's not afraid of... Ugh, jeez. Get your priorities straight, dude.

Icing his balls. Sharp pointed rock through the old penis. A needle and a doctor? A needle in my arm? Oh, no. Icing his balls. Sharp pointed rock through the old penis. A needle and a doctor? A needle in my arm? No, thank you. Whoa, that sounds painful. I can understand being afraid of needles. I myself am somewhat afraid of needles,

but I just feel like if there was a rock in my dick, I would be like, Yeah, right, needle. Yeah, geez, it seems like that puts everything else on the back burner. I can't imagine having that pain in your balls and going, please don't put anything in my oil. But I really need to get my oil changed today. I'm going to drop down the rock in my penis on the priority list of things I should be concerned about.

You've got a rock in your penis. You're like, no, I wanted grape jelly in my PB&J, not strawberry. It's like, okay, I don't – maybe you're – Dude, I'm telling you, if this happens to you again, it feels better basically immediately. Basically immediately. It's awesome. Dude, go to the hospital.

Get a cheap health plan, go to the hospital, and get stuck next time you have a kidney stone. Get a cheap health plan. Go to the hospital and give them a fake name. They have to help you. That's the law. Yeah. Just go there and get your Demerol.

I think if you go in there and say, excuse me, I have a sharp pointy rock in my penis, at some point one of the male doctors is going to show a solidarity and say, okay, come on in here. Well, I got it. I know this guy's a gunshot wound to the face, but you got a rock in your penis. Jordan had a very different experience. I had a male nurse who was not sympathetic. No. Yes. How can you not be sympathetic?'t know some kind of weird weird dude i'd say distract yourself from the pain

by creating an ebay auction for the stone as you're passing it jordan you're a marginal celebrity it's true it's true i think i think we can do this i think uh you think it was more likely that a uh fuel fan would buy the rock or that a Jordan Jesse Go fan would buy the penis rock? I mean, I do have more than one. That's interesting because I'm assuming that there's going to be a showdown or a brawl because of this feud that we have.

I would purchase it and use it as a projectile against you. I could just straight rocket it back into my urethra. That would be my power attack. Right. Okay, now speaking of the action items on our program last week, the other action item we had was we're inviting creative reinterpretations of Jordan, Jesse, Go! from our listeners. Someone suggested a cartoon. Somebody suggested, what if somebody made a cartoon?

We would love it if you were a cartoonist, give us a call. But what we're basically doing is we're just trying to throw the doors open wide, but we want to be clear, we are the gatekeepers here. We're the studio heads. Don't just make art with us in it without getting the green light, Hollywood terminology, from us. We're what's called production executives. What if somebody just ran around making Daredevil 2 without seeing a script first?

What if somebody made a movie called Condor Man? You know what I mean? It's a bad idea. A lot of mistakes are being made here, and we want to make sure... I mean, we're... It's quality control. It's the least you can do.

I'm sure you're one of these internet guys. I'm sure you feel very strongly about creative reuse, your creative commons licensing. Don't mash me up. Don't remix me without my consent. I am not a creative common. Now, look. Now, granted, our license does permit people

to distribute the show freely as long as it's non-commercial. But we want we are inserting ourselves here. We are the authorities in this. We give thumbs up and thumbs down to your creative reinterpretations.

We had a caller this week who called in with an idea. I'm just going to let him explain for himself what his idea is. I have an idea for your creative inspiration, or creative reinterpretation of Jordan and Jesse. I am a Flash designer, Flash animator and programmer, and I just stumbled upon this open source code for a platforming game. So if you're looking for a Jordan and Jesse themed

Super Mario platform type game, I could easily swap out the graphics from this engine. I just need to know what kind of power-ups or enemies or John Hodgman Sidney Poitier related

items you'd like to have in the game. Yes, we want this. This is brilliant. Yeah, I want it now. Send him the $20. Kevin, you're a video game expert, and we're happy to have you here on this very special day

in Jordan Jesse Go history. Can you explain for those of our listeners who may have friends what a platformer is? Platformer, in the traditional sense that he's describing it, is a 2D game. There's no three dimensions. You're not running into anything. It typically scrolls from left to right or right to left. And a platformer relies on jumping abilities or timing skills. So, you know, Mario is the quintessential platformer. You run around, you hop from block to block, you hop on enemies.

It's a lot like level 2 of Super Mario Brothers. Your game can only have a level 2, I'm convinced. It also includes Sonic the Hedgehog and Bonk. Bonk was so... Poor TurboGrafx, I love that. I would love to play your side-scroller.

Power-ups, let's talk power. I want different powers than Jesse. You need to have the Power Stone. You know this. Yeah, yeah. Like launching flaming fireballs from your crotch, but they're pointed rocks. Please.

Now, you're not happy to be like Mario and Luigi, where they do essentially the same things, but they're different colors. And in our case, I imagine slightly different shapes. I don't want to be a palette-swapped Jesse. And what are your fodder enemies? I know we're on power-up discussions, but you need those generic churn-out enemies

that come at you. Wait, I want to know what kind of context we're in. What is the world that we're living in here? I think it's the internet. You guys are traipsing through a series of tubes. We're trying to kill the guy who's calling us gay. That should be it. We're trying to battle

not pithy callers. So we're traipsing literally through the tubes of the internet. Could be. Tron-like. Yeah, and you're facing almost the internet celebrities. Like the Numa Numa guy

could be a boss battle. That's good. Oh, I like that. So we would fight against viral videos. Cat flushing a we would fight against uh viral videos cat flushing a toilet because we hate viral videos we would fight against things created by people without talent yes yes the type of content we showcase on my show daily but thank you for that i call that an a block a block um a d rollout Yes thank you

I would love to see You guys fight the internet A video camera What? A video camera As a weapon? Oh I thought we were saying things from a TV show No we were saying formatting things

Lights Lighting TV host So us versus the internet I like it We were saying formatting things. Lights. Lighting. TV host. So us versus the internet. I like it. You know what I mean? So we're fighting against the internet as we travel through the internet.

Mm-hmm. What if I want my game to just be me fighting against Los Angeles? You hate Los Angeles. Yeah, I'm throwing like, you know, former San Francisco Giants starting pitcher Don Caveman Robinson at my enemies. Yeah, yeah. And your enemies are all wearing sandals at a bar. Yeah.

But they're all on the list. They are on the list. Every single one of them is on the list. They're producers. I'm a producer. what if there were this guy jordan levels and jesse levels okay what if you need alternated so instead of picking one or the other of final fantasy 7 yeah exactly i guess this one lone flash designer is now hanging himself in the closet by a tie because he realizes he needs two completely different sets of sprites for everything.

Okay, what if it all took place in a photorealistic 3D world? I want to come in, put on the motion capture suit. What if I fought Tom Hanks from the Polar Express? It's supposed to be cross-platform, too. What if we just fought different tom hanks's

oh yeah like bosom buddies bosom buddies would you hop on the piano with him from big and actually have to play chopsticks like it him like it just throwing it out there it's kind of a music game those are big with the kids now they love those guitar heroes instead of instead of guitar hero it's tom hanks from big in that scene where he pops the piano. There's already a gold standard that we're going to have to top here, Jordan. That's a video game that I've been reading a lot about on the internet lately called Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden. Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden. Is that better than Shaq Fu?

No, Kevin, you don't know about the Gaiden edition of Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam? No, I'm blissfully unaware Holy shit, this could be like four days of programming on your show Okay, what this is is apparently, like this kit that this Flash developer who's called in

has offered to use to build the Jordan Jesse Go game, there's a roughly equivalent game, roughly equivalent kit to build something that's like sort of like a Super Nintendo Zelda kind of game. Right. Where you're walking around on a map

in straight lines. Yeah, RPG Maker. So in this RPG Maker, someone has created a complex video game called Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden. Now, as I understand it, what happens in Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam Gaiden is you play a Charles Barkley who's been transported into the future. who's been transported into the future when the streets are ruled by b-ball and your son who's named... I can't remember what your son's name is.

He's involved in this. And also you get a lot of advice from the ghost of Michael Jordan. And you have to go through this. You go through this game casting magic basketballs. And you go through this game casting magic basketballs and various magic basketball games or spells to defeat enemies.

You converse with the populace as your character, Charles Barkley of the past in the future. So essentially it's a sequel to the classic Genesis game, Charles Barkley Shut Up and Jam, which was basically an all slam dunk basketball game, if I'm not mistaken. In this case, it's an all slam dunk role playing game in the future. So that is the gold standard that I think that we could, if we

pulled together as a community, I think we could do it. As a community, you guys. I think this is the project you need to spend the 20 bucks on. I think this is what's going to bring the most kids together. 20 bucks to the best role-playing game. What are we going to buy? Red Bull for the people who are making it? Some ping-pong balls for the motion capture session.

Oh, I gotcha. You head down to Big Five. Yeah, that's a really good for the mo-cap suit. Yeah, mo-cap. The game has to be fully mo-capped. Here's a question. Do you think that we could get some baseball into our game so that I could wear the mo-cap suit doing baseball stuff

and then potentially that could be a segment on TWIB, or This Week in Baseball with Ozzie Smith. Because I think that would make a great segment on This Week in Baseball. Yeah. The motion capture for the baseball part of the Jordan-Jesse Go game. Do you have any ideas for the name of the Jordan-Jesse Go game? Maybe it's just an actual Go game in Flash, where your faces are the pieces.

What about Jordan-Jesse Gaiden? Yeah, I was going to say Jordan-Jesse Go Zero, to where it's like a prequel to our podcast. actual go game in flash where your faces are the pieces what about jordan jesse guidance yeah i was gonna say jordan jesse goes zero to where it's like a prequel to our podcast what they do in japan if something's a prequel okay zero oh that's an interesting you guys are alternating levels again fighting to find each other oh maybe you know maybe you have an xlr cable jesse has a microphone sure you need to go connect these two in the series of tubes. What if the whole game was set... I'm moving away from your idea, Kevin. Not because I'm rejecting it. No, as you should.

It's what everybody does. We're spitballing here. What if the whole game was set in the teens or twenties, sometime in the Gilded Age, there were various phosphates, buggies, flappers, pneumatic tubes, and there was some dirigibles.

Yeah, I like that. You like that? Kind of an alternate past. I don't know. I'm going to throw it up into the audience. Great idea. Jordan, Jesse, go video game. Make it.

Yeah, we'll be discussing this on the forum. Let there be no doubt about this. There will be extensive discussions. In fact, I'm going to, in addition to the show thread, I think I'm going to start up a thread specific to Jordan, Jesse, Go! The Video Games. Can you stick it? Do you have the capability to sticky a thread?

Oh, we can stick it a few threads. I think this one deserves a little stick. Kevin, I'm going to look you in the eyes and tell you this right now. I don't think this thread is going to need stickying. I think this is going to be a surprise. That's pointing to the bleachers in terms of internet forums. This thread is so hot that it's going to stay at the top.

It's going to be platinum in a week. That's what I'm saying. Message board platinum. All off of my services. If you need a theme song or some 8-bit background music for it, by all means. I'm happy. I am on board. I'm absolutely on board.

background music for it, by all means. I'm happy I am on board. Fantastic. You know, speaking of theme music for it, maybe we were talking off-air about the video game Portal that won Video Game of the Year. Great song, too. Our friend Jonathan Colton made the theme music

from that. Now, I know that he refuses to make theme music for anything as a general rule because nerds always want theme music for something from him. But maybe we could somehow con him into make theme music for anything is a general rule because nerds always want theme music for something from him. But maybe we could somehow con him into making theme music for the Jordan-Jesse-Go game. You hand him $20. Oh. Sweeten the pot.

And all of a sudden you've got yourself a nice MP3 file. We just slide that across. He's like, no, thank you. What about this? What about my good friend, Mr. $20? Mr. President who appears on this bill okay well the number to call president the number to call uh if you either have a creative project that you need a thumbs up or thumbs down from us on uh or if you have ideas about the game 206 984 for fun uh and of course we're going to be talking about it on the Maximum Fun forums, without a doubt,

at MaximumFun.org slash forums. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Kevin Sprinkles Pereira. Nice. From television's G4 Attack of the Show, or as it's known colloquially, AOTS. The AOTS. The AOTS. We've got a case of the AOTS. We're wrapping things up on

this week's program. Thank you so much for listening of course. Here's some action items for you to work on. Number one, if you have ideas for creative interpretations of Jordan Jesse Go, artistic interpretations, remixes, mashups. A lot of people said mashups at that public radio conference I went to, and every time somebody said that word, I wanted to punch them. That doesn't mean anything. That is completely meaningless.

So, okay, so we want to give it the thumbs up or the thumbs down, so give us a call at 206-9844-FUN if you have one of those. Of course, if anything momentous happens to you, give us a call for our Momentous Occasions segment. What else have we got? Oh, the showdown. We need ideas for the showdown. That's going to be going on in the forum, in the showdown area of the forum. If you have ideas for our video game, you can put them up in the forum on a thread that's going to be one of the hottest threads in the forum in the history of the forum, I would say.

Non-stickied. Exactly. Or you can give us a call at 206-9844-FUN if you've got an idea. Of course, try and keep it pithy. If you have a personal battle that should be decided by Judge John Hodgman, give us a call, 206-9844-FUN. It can be anything large or small. 206-984-4FUN. It can be anything large or small.

Judge John has graciously offered to lend his expertise as the author of the areas of my expertise to decide your personal disputes. Man, there's so much exciting shit going on. This show is amazing. It's totally amazing. Holy crap. Yeah. Definitely talked about Power Stone more than we have in the past if you've

got thoughts about power stones 206-984-4-FUN is the number to call and of course you know we're always open to the the kind of general interest calls that we get from time to time if you got a nice personal question for jordan or jesse uh and and hey uh one other thing if you play an interesting musical instrument um it has to be an acoustic musical instrument, and you live in the Los Angeles area, why don't you drop us an email. The email address, jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Just email us jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Of course, our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design,

and Light in the Attic Records. It's from their really wonderful Best Of compilation on Light in the Attic Records, which has lots of other songs that are as good and better, and you should really go out and buy it. And we'll see you next week, and of course, online at MaximumFun.org. Kevin, when can people watch your television program? Oh, geez. They can tune in

7 o'clock Eastern on G4. You get it, you just don't know it. It's somewhere in between MTV4 and PAX, so look for it. Cruise around in

there. And lovely, lovely website where most of the content G4TV.com. Lots of videos on there and lots of breasts and explosions.

G4TV.com. Thank you for letting me plug it and thank you guys for having me. Yeah, pleasure. According to Wikipedia, we can listen to your high school radio show on the Sugar Shack. I've created many, many hours of content for the old shack. We'll be back next week on Jordan, Jesse, go.