Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 80: Uhh...Fine

Episode Date: November 13, 2008

Jesse and Jordan are joined by singer-songwriter and beardman, Jonathan Coulton. They discuss childhood toys, school yard bullies, and Keith Olbermann.  They also name a burlesque dancer.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Salmon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dum, fiddle, go liberal pundit.

Keith Olbermann is discussed. We talk about garbage, pale kids, and are joined by our old pal, Jonathan Colton. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Goe. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. With us, singer, songwriter, raconteur, beardman, Jonathan Colton. Jonathan, welcome to the program.

Thank you for having me. It's a pleasure to have you, sir. Oh, it's nice to be here. Beardman, I've never gotten that before. You know, I'm a little bit nervous about this, Jordan. Here's why. Jonathan Colton's here. We're here with our friend John Hodgman's in the other room. John Roderick's in the other room. We got all these cool, famous people here.

Sure. You know our friends from the Monsters of Podcasting. You look nice today. Yeah. They recently had these same celebrities visit them in San Francisco. They went to a fancy recording studio. But more important than that, they had a professional photographer

trailing them, taking shots for an eventual Flickr set. Right. Well, I mean, they're better than us, so it kind of seems like how that would play out What's confusing to you? Well, I just thought that we would be like strivers Nah

No? No, absolutely not I'm not about to put out more effort in this than I do already No, not effort, money Oh, money, okay Nobody's saying you guys are going to put out any effort Nobody's expecting that. Good, and this isn't the sound of young America, Jonathan.

I'm not trying here. No, I know, obviously, obviously. I have work, and then I have hassle. Yeah. You know what I mean? This is hassle. It's not my craft. It's just something I have to get over with.

That's exactly how I was describing this before i got here too oh good yeah actually the original name for the podcast was fine yeah we but the thing is is that because it was didn't wasn't good for google yeah it was bad keywords how did you spell we we were well how do you remember how we were doing that? Emoticons, if I remember correctly. Yeah, it was an emoticon. Is there an emoticon for that? There should be. Jordan works on emoticons full time. Yeah,

kind of what it is, it's a smiley face, and he has a, kind of a lock of hair in his face, and he's blowing the hair out of his emoticon face. And then there's this, there's like a, also it's like a dragon.

Oh, yeah. There's this cool dragon that, it's a lot bigger, but it's a cool dragon. The's a lot bigger, but it's a cool dragon. The only place this emoticon has ever been written or seen or actually produced is on the side of a van. Yeah. When we say emoticon, I don't know.

Van painting. You're more internet savvy. Emoticon in this case means airbrushed van painting. Oh, yeah. I guess that's not what I was thinking. No? No, when I said emoticon. Is it something like, but it has matching upholstery also. Captain's chairs. Yeah, no, we're talking about something different. What are you talking about? Quadraphonic sound? Oh, maybe we are talking about the same thing.

Quadraphonic sound. The one with quadraphonic sound. Yeah, you're talking about like a custom van. Yeah. An emoticon. Yeah. No, we're talking about the same thing Yeah, you're talking about like a custom van Yeah An emoticon Yeah, no, we're talking about the same thing Oh, good Guys, I think what we just did here I think this is the who's on first for the 21st century

I think that is going to replace Abbott and Costello's famous who's on first Do you think it's possible for it also to replace You Look Nice Today's famous Twitter set? Uh no flicker set uh i don't know about that man that that'd be a classic uh web 2.0 who's on first confusing twitter and flicker man alive twitter yes i mean the fella's name twitter the guy on flicker I hear your web apps have some very unusual names. That's how that bit would be set up.

When you're the manager of the team. Wait, I didn't change it. I was supposed to change it. Yeah, man alive. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. be back in just a second on jordan jesse go it's jordan jesse go i'm jesse thorn america's radio sweetheart jordan morris boy detective jonathan colton tall person you're not that tall sorry

little fella come on i'm pretty tall i'm not tall like you i're not that tall. Sorry, little fella. Come on. I'm pretty tall. I'm not tall like you. I'm not monstrous. I'm grotesque. You are grotesque. If you're going to claim that you're tall, you should be grotesquely tall. Okay.

Nightmare or something. You should have ran that together like your last nickname. You should have said, Jonathan Colton, tall person. Tall person. Fine. Okay. A little more Spanish than I would like. Yeah. Which is, i would not like much

spanish i don't like the spaniards too many little balls hanging from their capes right you know what i mean what those little gold balls hanging from their capes if you're gonna have a cave you don't need any balls you know they're mean to bulls yeah they're very mean to bulls there. Let me ask you this question, Jordan. Okay. Does this seem like something that I imagined seeing several times or something that could possibly be real? Okay. Sometimes I take my dog Coco, my wife Teresa and I take our dog Coco to Griffith Park here in Los Angeles. It's a large urban park.

It's sort of mountainous, big, beautiful park, one of the largest parks in an urban area in the United States. Have you been to that zoo up there yet? No, I haven't been to the zoo. Sad zoo. Really? Yeah, sad zoo. A lot of upset babies at that zoo. In the zoo? In cages?

No, no. They're visiting the zoo. Only happy babies in the cages. That's good. Yeah. They give them honeyed milk. Isn't there some kind of train? Is there a little train you can ride? Oh, there's the Zoo Choo Choo. Also a very sad train.

Okay. Manned by a very upset, malnourished teen. Mm-hmm. It was once painted like a tiger, you can tell, but it's been scraped off, but nobody's repainted it to look like anything else. Right. Oh, the teen is talking on a speaker system, and you just can't understand what he's saying. It's like a subway.

It's like... Right. And all the babies on the train do not want to be on the train. Let me ask you this about Griffith Park. You get there, you go in through the main entrance, it's sort of chilly. Churros, though. Oh, well. Going through the main entrance, it's sort of chilly. Churros, though.

Oh, well. That's why, I mean, honestly, if I just wanted churros, I would probably go to Costco. But if I wanted churros and sad animals or babies, it sounds like the Griffith Park Zoo is the hot setup. Right when you park your car, there's like a meadow area. You know, it's mostly like barbecue pits and stuff like that. There's like a meadow area, a nice meadow area there. Teresa and I like to go there to take the dog for a walk on a weekend morning. You know what I mean?

You're talking Saturday. You're talking Sunday. Absolutely. Great. I look down at this meadow. There's a group of people there. I'd say eight people. It's a very diverse group.

They're the kind of group that you see them in Los Angeles and your first thought is acting class. Now, most groups you see in Los Angeles, your first thought is acting class, but they're that kind of... I usually find that acting class people are hanging around in front of a building. They're not in a park.

Right, exactly. That's why... Unless they're having class outside. That's partly why it's disconcerting. Oh, sure. Here's the other reason. Remember we were talking about those capes. Spaniards have these capes that I don't care for.

One of the people in this group has a flag or a cape of some kind. It's red. The other people are running towards him, and he's doing Toreador moves on the other people. Do you think that this is a bullfighting class? Is that what's going on there? It's the L.A. Matador Society.

Yeah. Very popular. It's kind of hip. It's the L.A. Matador Society. Yeah. Very popular. It's kind of hip. It's kind of like the roller derby. Oh, like a dodgeball league. Like a dodgeball league. It's kind of fun. You drink when you do it.

Right. It's a cardiovascular health thing. Oh, it's CB. You stab a bull with a spear. You do a shot. Yeah. I gotcha. I had no idea.

It's fun. Now, let me ask, you do a shot. Yeah. I gotcha. I had no idea. It's fun. Now, let me ask you this question, though. Yeah. The people who, I guess, are the bulls, they're not pointing their fingers and putting them up on their forehead. Of course not. You don't... Jeez, really?

All right. You have obviously not looked into man bullfighting. They're pretending to be bulls, though. Well, in their posture and their noises. If you were close enough, you would hear that they were making bull noises. But they... So fucking passe to put the hands on the head. Have you seen a bull?

It's just a cliche. It's just a very obvious thing to do when you're acting like a bull. When I go swing dancing, I don't wear a zoot suit anymore. Right. That's just silly. We know you're acting like a bull. When I go swing dancing, I don't wear a zoot suit anymore. That's just silly. We know you're swing dancing, Jordan. I mean, to be fair to me, I didn't realize, for one thing, I didn't realize

you were swing dancing. I'm not swing dancing now. A little bit. Yeah. You have the air of a swing dancer. I'm Charleston-ing. It's different. Jordan.

It precedes swing dancing by like 20 years. If you're not swing dancing, why are you wearing that zoot suit? I don't wear the zoot suit when I go swing dancing. I wear it to podcasting. When I go swing dancing, I will be wearing swim trunks and a t-shirt that says Pussy Inspector.

Right. That's how he freaks out the normals. The normal swing dancers. So these people are hip happening young people who happen to have selected the hobby of bull dancing? Is that correct fighting

bull fighting it's not it's not dancing it looks like dancing but it's fighting it does look like it's quite lovely god man open up a spin magazine sorry look at me yeah grandpa look in the weekly come on okay i mean i guess i'm just not kids are doing different things nowadays they're not collecting garbage pail kids like you talk about yeah they're swing dancing i got some by the way okay here we go here we go just a side thing i got some really cool gpks lately um well of course i got uh the one with the acne. Gosh. He's got severe acne.

Jesse's always trying to invite me to an event that he calls GPKs at CPK. I never bite. He always puts out the bait and I never bite. He doesn't care how gourmet the pizzas are, he tells me. It doesn't sound like a lot of fun. You know why? I don't care if there's fennel on a pizza i'm not going to your fucking garbage pail kid convention jordan's jordan's whole thing is just fun packs fun packs fun packs no garbage pail kids just fun packs fun packs fun packs if there isn't a parody of a product logo

he's not interested he's not less interested in pop culture parodies. He's not interested in acne-related puns. He's not interested in fart-related puns, fat-related puns. It's just pop culture, you know. You know, since you brought up the Garbage Pail Kids, I've been trying to think of a single jokey Garbage Pail Kids name. I can't think of a single one. garbage pail kid's name. Oh, yeah. I can't think of a single one. What's the matter with me? How do you think I ended up with Acne One?

I know. I saw you have that blank out, and then I had the same blank out. I don't remember any of it. Here's the best I can do. Yeah. Booger Bill. And that's not very good. That's not very good at all.

It doesn't rhyme. There's no pun. It's only thing is that both Booger and Bill start with B. Yeah. Wasn't that their thing? They were more clever than that. Farty Phil might be. Well, I think the thing was that there was one picture and they had two different names for some reason.

Am I correct in remembering that? They had two different names? Yeah, there was one picture, but the same picture would have two different names, two different jokes about the same photograph. So it might be Farty Phil, and it might be like... Flatulent Phineas? Atomic, you know, the next other one's Smelted Delted, or something like that.

You're saying they would reuse pictures and just name them different things? Smelted Delted. That's even worse than Booger Bill. It is. I mean, I know, at least you're trying. I'm not even trying. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't remember the Garbage Pail. I feel like that was actually... I was a little too old to be really interested in Garbage Pail Kids. Oh. I thought they were pretty cool. You did think they were cool. I didn't collect them. No. You were collecting what? Star Wars cards?

No. What did I collect? Micronauts. I was very into the Micronauts for a while. I don't think I know what that is. Yeah. Could you explain it? You guys are like 12 years old, that's why. The Micronauts were little action figures.

I don't know what the backstory was. They didn't have a cartoon television program to go along with the action figures. That helps. That really helps jumpstart the imagination of a child, which is weak. Well, they were just purely action figures. But, you know, there were various, like, they looked kind of cyborg-y. Their limbs moved around. They had vehicles. They had one very cool, like, mothership that was a white plastic, very spiky mothership.

And the sides of it would snap off, and they would turn into guns that shot these little darts. Oh, fuck. That's the golden age of action figure and action figure accessory. Yeah, that turns into gun. Right, exactly. I remember I had some Ninja Turtles accessory that rocketed pizzas. Yeah, my best friend Petey had the pizza launcher.

Jesse, you don't seem like the type of kid who had elaborate action figures and accessories. You know, the kid who lived, there was this kid Gus... You sound like you had almanacs. This kid Gus Iverson lived... You made them kiss. You made the almanacs kiss. The thing of it is this. You made the Almanac's kiss.

The thing of it is this. When I was toy-aged, both my dad and mom were really poor, so they couldn't really afford to buy me toys, generally speaking. But at this same period of my life, our downstairs neighbor was this kid named Gus Iverson. And I would go visit the Iversons sometimes. And they're nice, but the parents drank a lot. Do you mean Puss Iverson? Nice.

They're very good. Stye Steven? That was part of the... Pink Iverson. That was part of the very, very, very inside joke collector subset. It was only appropriate for certain families we will drop certain addresses when they started going under the garbage pail kids are like we will make fun of your specific friends please right um when gus iverson lived downstairs from me and he had rich grandparents he had drunk parents and rich grandparents and uh gus iverson had every he-man and when i say he had every he-man when a new he-man would come out wait a minute what do you

mean every he-man he there's you know he-man moss man uh the guy whose neck extended. Okay, now I, oh, right. She-Ra, He-Man Castle, He-Man Puma. Orko. Yeah. Absolutely, Orko, you know, He-Man's dog friend. Just everything, every single one of these, and every play set in the whole nine yards. And you can go over to someone's house and play with their every He-Man.

You know what I mean? You can go there. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. You can go there and play with a He-Man. But it's no good because it's their He-Man. Now, in contrast, I had Mossman and the guy whose neck extended, both of which were purchased for me at something that I don't know if it still exists, a secondhand toy store. Wow.

In Oakland. Sounds sad. When we visited my dad's friend who lived in Oakland, I was allowed to go to the secondhand toy store and pick out a used He-Man. One, Jesse. Just one. Yeah. Something like that. I had a lot of muscle men.

Oh, yeah. Muscle men. Those were fun. They were these kind of tiny rubber... Oh, muscle things. Muscle things? I know them as... I think they were even Japanese.

I think they were Japanese reappropriated for America. They were like an inch high? It stood for millions of unusual small creatures lurking everywhere. Is that true? That's true, because my babysitter had the poster of every muscle man, and it said millions of unusual small creatures lurking everywhere. That's fantastic. My mom, just bless her heart, wanting the best for me,

was really good about putting a ban on something in our house but then kind of ultimately lifting that ban uh-huh it happened with uh ren and stempy happened with beavis and butthead happened with mortal combat uh-huh uh and um and the first time i remember such a ban was G.I. Joe. I think she would hear about something in the news or read a study. She was big on reading studies. And then find out that something was warlike or something was causing kids to jump off overpasses and say no. And then through behavior and bothering, I guess she would lift the ban ultimately.

through behavior and bothering, I guess, she would lift the ban ultimately. And I remember that the year she lifted the G.I. Joe ban, and then I had a birthday coming up, and I just told everybody, G.I. Joe's, G.I. Joe's, G.I. Joe's. And I'd gotten this just buttload of G.I. Joe's. And kind of after everything had been unwrapped and put together, I realized, fuck, I'm too old for G.I. Joe's. None of my friends liked them anymore they were always super over i think i was probably 11 didn't your mother say

that you weren't allowed to watch uh peewee's playhouse because it was too weird oh yeah yeah the peewee ban was never lifted that was the one thing she stuck to because the thing is is that you know it started from him being too weird and then and then around the time when she might have been considering lifting the ban... He jacked off. Yeah, he jacked off in a jack-off theater. Yeah. She felt real vindicated about that. Were you ever banned from anything, Jonathan? No, I wasn't.

You know, I was such a good kid that I would see the ban coming ahead of time, and I'd say, well, that toy's not appropriate for me. I... That's why I never had any gi joes for that reason i didn't feel that they were appropriate yeah i mean i i i don't know i guess you felt like they were making you warlike yeah sure well words not fists you know you can't i'm already a pretty belligerent guy sure i'm prone to fits of bouts of violence. I mean, you can see,

look at Keith's eye, you know? Yeah. He's gonna have a steak on that for a week. Man, it sounds like you guys have been drinking the Better Parenting magazine Kool-Aid. Sorry. I mean, I'm just trying to raise a good kid back here, you know? Yeah. I just want him to walk the straight and narrow, you know, and see if we can make some progressive change in this country. He's jacking off again. He's jacking off again. Stop it. Just, just, I'll pull the curtain. What?

You're actually miming it? Oh, that's great mime. I don't think mime works very well on the radio, though, is the only thing. What? That's great. Ah! I did have rainbow bright sheets if you're wondering if I had rainbow bright sheets

I was really into rainbow bright I was four or something this is why I grew up to be such a gay I guess rainbow bright I think I really was there's something know, there's something to be, was it, this was like, it was like a hand-me-down situation. Yeah. Secondhand. Gotcha. But you know, what's annoying about a parent is if you're really good, it doesn't buy you anything. Especially,

I think if you're the, if you're the eldest child, were you, did you have brothers and sisters, Jonathan? I did, but I was the, I was the oldest. You were the oldest. So you were the trial run. I was. Were your brothers and sisters worse than you were? No, I don't think so. I mean, you know, and I wasn't good because I feared retribution. I was good because I just wanted to be good. Really? Yeah. I mean, until a certain age. When I got a little bit older, I started to rebel a little bit.

What did you do? You started singing and songwriting? What was your secret rebellion? Yeah, I started singing and songwriting. I started learning the guitar. Fuck you, Mom. I'm going to be just like Paul Simon. That rogue Paul Simon.

You know, I grew up in Connecticut, in the woods of Connecticut, in the center of the state. So what you're saying is, where you grew up, Ladysmith Black Mambazo seemed really edgy. Like, seemed like real juvenile delinquents. Yeah, yeah. It was very... There were a lot of dirtbags. All my friends were sort of local dirtbags. Wait, what is a dirtbag?

I guess I was a local dirtbag, too. What's a dirt bag? I guess I was a local dirt bag, too. What's a dirt bag? You know, kids with, like, mullets and, like, ACDC t-shirts and those sunglasses that had the leather pouches on the side and wrapped around your ears. Oh, nice. And the, like, Def Leppard, you know,

desert hat that kept your neck from getting sunburned. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Not really for the desert. More for the French Foreign Legion? The French Foreign Legion, yeah. If you had been sent to the desert. I know they were big in the 80s. They were very big, yeah.

But, you know, these were kids who really spent their time walking around the woods until they found that they were in somebody's backyard and then they would go and, like, kick in an air conditioner and break into the house. And, like, these were some scary kids, you you know and you were doing this kind of stuff yeah i hung around with them and and um yeah there was there was one time that uh i was hanging out with uh gary souza who i didn't hang out with too much because you see he was he was one of the more

dangerous kids that's like a classic bad kid name that's like right out of the wonder years and it wasn't really him it was He had older brothers and they were trouble. One of them played the drums and smoked marijuana, you know? Right. But I was hanging out with Gary Sousa and a bunch of other kids and they were like... Angel Dust. Eventually he did Angel Dust. Yeah, probably. And they were like, let's go to the

gift shop. And I didn't know what that was, but it sounded fun. So we walked through the woods for a long time until we came to a clearing where there was a little shack. And you didn't know what that was, but it sounded fun. So we walked through the woods for a long time until we came to a clearing where there was a little shack. And you didn't ask. No, I was like, yeah, let's go to the gift shop. Yeah, you were on this walk just pretending

like you knew what they were talking about. Because you had been to the gift shop before when your gamma was in the hospital. Sure, yeah. So you figured maybe I'll get a bear. Helium bears, maybe. But it was just a clearing in the woods, and then there was a little shack there, which they broke the door down. And inside the shack, there were stacks of paper and boxes of pens and cans of spray paint.

And it was like somebody's weird storage shed in the woods. And we just took a bunch of stuff and spray painted some things. So that was the kind of stuff that I was into as a kid. That's not where I thought that story was going. No, that's not what I thought the gift shop was going to be. And I don't know why they called it the gift shop. I guess because they broke into it and gave themselves gifts. So what you're saying...

I thought there was going to be a drifter tied up in there, and you were going to have to take shots at him. No, no. Well, I never killed anyone. Jordan, we're not talking about Mission Viejo here. We're talking about Connecticut. No, no. Well, I never killed anyone. Jordan, we're not talking about Mission Viejo here. We're talking about Connecticut. Sorry, guys. A different world. You guys just don't understand. I was just, I never did anything bad. The only thing that I did bad, I really didn't do anything bad except for be a complete academic failure, like a complete and

consistent academic failure starting in, my dad just emailed me, my dad was looking through like an old box of Jesse stuff, you know, emailed me and Teresa my like third grade evaluation, which was, Jesse is a wonderful student and a pleasure to have in the class however he needs to develop a better system for doing and for doing and keeping his homework because apparently your system wasn't you wouldn't do it yeah but you would uh i i well i don't know i mean i think i just didn't i think i just never did any homework in my entire academic career i don't think i did any homework in my entire academic career. I don't think I did any homework in college. I did as little as possible, to be sure. But you went to an Ivy League university, so you must have at least done homework in high school.

I did. Well, that's the thing. I always did just enough. Just enough to get into Yale. Yeah. Sure. All right. Now you're going to hold that over me.

Yeah. Well, you're busted. That's called getting busted. You can't come in here and kick off your shoes and open up a beer and act like you're one of the guys, Yaley. Yeah. Sorry, Illuminati. Sorry.

This, you know, regular Joes did not go to Yale. Regular Joes is guys you want to have a beer with. George Bush types. You're talking about real America. Yeah, absolutely. You're talking about real America. Yeah, absolutely. You're talking about real college. The real America, not this Connecticut Woods bullshit.

Before we get off on comedy tangent, can I backtrack a little bit? Yeah. In thinking about this idea of banning things for the good of your kids, Colton, you have a kid kind of recently. Is there any kind of pop culture stuff out there that you look at

and you're like, absolutely not for my kid. Something that you would say no to if they wanted to ingest it somehow. Zach and Miri make a porno. It hasn't come up yet. I mean, aside from stuff that is just not age appropriate, you mean? Sure. No, I mean, I'm pretty... Something that maybe a kid might be interested in.

No, I'm pretty i'm pretty cool with most stuff i mean there's a lot of children's television programming that i i absolutely cannot stand for my own personal reasons which i try to discourage her from watching just for your own sanity not having to hear yeah i mean like dora dora the explorer i think is is an abomination really what no i don't'm aware of the character, but I don't know what goes on on the show. Not a lot happens. Generally, Dora and her traveling companion, Boots the monkey, who wears boots.

Do you get it? Oh. I get it. This is sounding pretty good so far. I don't... Yeah. Just wait, though. So they generally have to go on a journey.

It's like the same thing happens every show. It's just the details are slightly different. generally have to go on a journey. It's like the same thing happens every show. It's just the details are slightly different. They have to go on a journey. They have to go over the trolls. They have to get past the troll, and they have to... Troll? I never would have thought. Yeah, I know.

There's a fox named Swiper who takes something from them at some point, and in order to stop him from taking it, they have to say three times, Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping, swiper, no swiping, swiper, no swiping, and that apparently stops him. And there's a map that they talk to. I guess they didn't teach you much about foxes

at your fancy school. I did not write the show. I'm just describing it. He knows all about Marxist fox theory. I know about foxes. But he doesn't know what to do when an actual fox approaches him on the street and tries to steal a sandwich. Yeah, try and find the fox-stealing section

of the sayings of Chairman Mao, Marxist asshole. Wow. I'm just talking about Dora the Explorer. Is it Explorer or Explora? Explorer. Okay. She speaks Spanish, doesn't she? It's Dora the Explora D Explorer. Okay. She speaks Spanish, doesn't she? It's Dora the Exploradora in Spanish.

I thought the whole premise of it was that she spoke Spanish. She speaks Spanish some of the times. And there's some characters that only speak Spanish that you have to... Because she's always getting the children to yell out things that are very obvious. Does your child like to yell at the TV? No. She doesn't participate. I've never seen any children participate. So what happens is there's a bunch of kids staring glazy-eyed at the

television screen. You know who participates? You know who's the only person who participates? Jesse Thorne. Olbermann. Olbermann loves it, though. There's a kid staring glassy-eyed at the screen, and Dora says, Dora's looking for the dog and the dog is right behind her. And she says, she's always screaming too. And she says, does anyone see the dog? Long pause. Nobody says anything. And then she's like, here's the dog. It's a very awkward moment. That's when the child is supposed to say, it's right there. But they never do, because it's not compelling, even for children.

The kids are like, really? Give me a break. Yeah, like, Dora, what's the matter with you? You haven't had to deal with a high school musical yet, have you? I mean, like the show High School Musical. Oh, no, I thought you... Were you in any high school musical? I bet you, oh, you totally were. Oh, no, I thought you... Were you in any High School Musical? I bet you...

Oh, you totally were. No, we never did musicals. We didn't have enough talent in our high school to do musicals. We did a lot of plays. I played Henry David Thoreau in The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail, but that was not a musical. It should have been. The Night Thoreau Spent in Jail is a play?

Yes, it is. Seems like they could have come up with something punchier. Well, did that get you laid? The night Thoreau spent in jail? No. No. Well, you're hopeless then. All he got was poison ivy.

That can't get you laid. Thoreau is sexy. Ladies love Thoreau. They do He gets more of what he wants Drama ladies Drama ladies, yeah So in other words

You're going to encourage your child To lead a wild libertine lifestyle Almost certainly up to and including PCP Angel dust You know, I do think it's important to allow children to make their own mistakes. And see if they can lift a car. Yeah. Guess what?

I guess you shouldn't have touched that knife. Yeah. Sure. Absolutely. Laissez-faire. Laissez-faire parenting. Would you feel that way even if one day your daughter came home and she had been spray painting stuff and looking at papers? Like you and your wild...

If some kids took her to the gift shop, you mean? Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know. It depends. What did she spray paint? What do you think, Jordan? An ad for the musical she was in on the side of the high school.

Oh, no, that's great. You've got to promote yourself. Yeah. You go. You know about that. Some kids don't even know. You know about building a personal brand. That's right.

I spray paint all over the internet. Absolutely. So I think we're all pretty much on the same page. I mean, ultimately what you need to do is find an old man in the woods, get a little PCP, promote your personal brand. Oh, and let your kids play Mortal Kombat. You know, my mom was, like, angry at me for not doing bad things. Oh, yeah.

My mom, horribly disappointed in me, would be like, well, for one thing, for not being gay. She always wished I was gay. Why do you think that is? Because, you know... It would explain your wardrobe? Yeah, it would explain how I'm kind of fancy and, you know, not particularly... I'm not a very butch fella, Jonathan Coulson. But, you know, like, she thought I would be better if I was gay.

She would, like, encourage me. She's like, why don't you go to drinking parties? Oh. You know? Boy-girl parties. Did you not go to drinking parties no you know boy girl parties did you not go to drinking parties were you sort of a teetotaler yeah well i've always been a teetotaler i don't i don't drink at all currently totals present i know i know you don't now but even as a even as a teenager even as a teenager you know my whole life i never never never done

any of that kind of stuff the man did not have a sip at his own bachelor party that's very sad yeah how'd you get through the whole lap lap dance thing no i was fine without that he was on pc The man did not have a sip at his own bachelor party. That's very sad. Yeah. How'd you get through the whole lap dance thing? No, I was fine without the... He was on PCP. Yeah. And he lifted ten strippers over his head and hurled them into the middle of the street. He tore a stripper to pieces, literally to pieces.

And just a smattering of applause. It's your last night. It's your last night to kill a stripper. That's what they say Once you're married it's illegal We'll be back in just a second On Jordan Jesse Go It's Jordan Jesse Go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you

It's Jordan, Jesse Goehm, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Colton, bearded medium height person. Now, Jordan, we've named some things in the past. Just to fill you in, Jonathan, we thought it would be fun to name things on behalf of people. So we had people offer things to name. Now, so far, some of our names have gone really well. I would say that Aretha the mini horse is a really good example of one that has really stuck. Some people, such as the child we named, which actually turned out to be a girl, so it was irrelevant,

and the married couple who seemed really committed to our name, the Rockets, until, oh, what's this? Total bullshit. They fucking crapped out on us and decided they weren't going to be named the Rockets after all, because they're dipshits. We will be taking legal action once we figure out

the steps. Under what statute? Yeah, sure. Sure, we have some statutory... What states we want to prosecute them in. It's complicated and there's a lot of paperwork, but rest assured our justice will be hard and stinging. Well, I've got good news, Jordan. Yes. On the line is Honeysuckle from the Bay Area.

She needs a third name. Now, I should clarify, Honeysuckle is not her birth name. It is her stage name. Now, I should clarify, Honeysuckle is not her birth name. It is her stage name. Honeysuckle, tell us about how you selected the first part of your name. Oh, yeah. Well, I took exotic dance classes, and I had to pick a name, so I picked Honey, because I'm kind of cafe au lait colored, kind of honey-ish and sweet and slow. And then I started doing burlesque, and I needed a second name. So I found out it was a plant, and the euphemism worked. So Bob's your uncle.

You didn't know that honeysuckle was a plant before? Leave me alone. Don't judge me. Okay, sorry. Jessie, she's a dancer. She's a student of the burlesque arts. She's not a horticulturist. She's already admitted that she's a little bit slow. She's not dancer. She's a student of the burlesque arts. She's not a horticulturist.

She's already admitted that she's a little bit slow. She's not a greenhouse tender. Slow and sweet. Right, but slow. The kind of person who doesn't know that Honeysuckle's a plant. I'm not picking on her. I'm just saying this is what she said. I'm sorry. This is what she said.

She's a guest, Jesse. Okay, I apologize, Honeysuckle. She's talking about her dance style. Okay. I understand now. I guess I'm the one who's slow. Wait, no, Olbermann's the one who's slow, but I'm still somewhat slow. Okay. Honeysuckle,

so you have these two names. Now, is there some sort of naming convention that we need to fulfill for a burlesque dancer? Is that why you need yet a third name? Well, no. I'm in a troupe right now, and I'm leaving the troupe. And when I joined the troupe, I added suckle.

And I think I'd like to switch it up. But I really like honey, but I'm not addicted to suckle. So I could just add a third thing to it, or I just want to mix it up because I'm starting a new phase. Now, could you tell us maybe some of your favorite burlesque names, maybe some other people in your troupe? What's an example to you of a good burlesque name? Sugar Dish is one of the girls in my troupe.

Sure. And I like that. And we have a Pixie Dust. And, uh, yeah, Gypsy Rosalie, um, was, I think that that's an awesome stage name, and she's my favorite burlesque dancer ever, so, yeah. Okay. If I was a burlesque dancer, mine would be Our Town. Jordan, I don't know how plays one would do in high school.

Jordan, I don't think you're really picking up on it. You want something that's kind of sensual, like Thornton Wilder. Okay, okay. I see, I see. Or Theraflu. Yeah. You want something that's pregnant with sexuality, like Henry David Thoreau.

Right. Do you know? Now, can I just make a suggestion? I know this is probably not the one, but I just want to see how everybody feels about this. Okay. And this does not incorporate honey. I'm sorry.

How do you feel about, it's a little brainy, for a burlesque dancer name, Majority Whip? Majority Whip, huh? Your first name is Majority. Your last name is Whip. What do you think? If I ever put together a troupe, I will be sure to name one of the girls that. But it's not your name. Absolutely not. Even if we were to...

Now, honey, you mentioned refers to your complexion. But even if we were to change Jordan slightly to Minority Whip, that still would not be... No. I would. Okay. Not that it matters, but I'm not from the Bay Area. I'm from Boston.

Oh. And baked beans. Honeysuckle baked beans. Yeah. The San Francisco treat. Honey tea party. What about Freedom Trail? Would you be willing to consider Honeysuckle Freedom Trail?

Is there anything... Sam Adams. Cradle of Civilization. Is there anything you can tell us about... Wait, wait, wait. Mark Wahlberg. Is there anything you can tell us Oh. Oh. Okay. Is there anything you can tell us about the content of your act that maybe we should take into consideration when finding your name? Yeah.

They're very... They're sometimes campy. They're more on the dramatic than the technical side. Not a lot of eight counts. A lot of acty stuff. A lot of flirting. I think you're using very insider terminology here.

What's an eight count? Very regimented, you know, style when they dance to, you know, I improv a lot. Okay. Basically, I'm lazy. I just kind of go on stage and dance to whatever's there.

Gotcha. Okay. Honeypot. There's already a honeypot. Honeyglaze. Honeyglaze. She's a dancer, not a ham, Jonathan. I've heard she's quite the ham if you let her on stage.

Yuck, yuck, yuck. She hates us, you guys. I don't. I love you guys. This is the first burlesque dancer that we've ever been friends with, and she hates us. Gee, I don't know. Maybe it could have been the dumb comment right at the fucking top, asshole. Maybe it's because we were being dicks.

Just because you're married. That was kind of... Doesn't mean you can alienate all women. That was kind of you, Jonathan Colton, to say that we were being dicks. I'm just playing along, that's all. I appreciate it. This is interesting. Honey glaze

I like right away. I do like honey glaze. Now, it suggests a ham. Exactly. Which might be less than... Or a donut, maybe. It could be a donut. Honey glazed donut? I have to pick a URL for this.

Well, what about... You said a sort of cafe au lait color. What are some other things? Like maybe caramel or... Yeah, I almost picked that, but it felt too stripper-ish. What about Cafe Americano? Macchiato? I guess I just don't have it.

Whatever it is that you need, I feel like I'm... Every one of my earnest suggestions has so thus far been greeted with, oh, my goodness. You're saying you're sad. She said, oh, my goodness to honey glazed donut you're honestly mad at her okay what about this i guess i just don't understand okay go ahead jordan this is just a road that i want to go down okay uh honey honey and tea, you know, soothing, sore throat.

Honey and tea, kinds of teas. Honey chamomile. Honey jasmine. Honey jasmine? What about honey chamomile? Hmm. I like this road better. Okay.

Honey sleepy time. Honey... I've got it. Mentholiptus. I've got it. Honey Earl Grey. Right? Earl. I don't like that Earl in there. Oh. I've got it. Honey Earl Grey. Right? Earl.

I don't like that Earl in there. Because he's an Earl. Oh, my name is Earl. Yes. My name is Earl. That's perfect. Did you tape it? Did you tape my name is Earl?

Yes. Oh, bless. Okay. Okay. Yeah? Honey Jasmine? You're not nuts about that. Honey Cinnamon?

Honey Cinnamon? Cinnamon Spice. Sugar and Spice. Honey Jasmine, you're not nuts about that. Honey cinnamon? Honey cinnamon. Cinnamon spice. Sugar and spice. Now you're just saying things with a sibilant S. You're just, what would be fun to say, you know, kind of gay? Honey Jasmine, I feel like it's a little bit too we would you know uh uh our our buddy honeysuckle was talking about something that sounds a little too strippery it sounds a little too strippery to me honey jasmine anything with jasmine jasmine sounds like a stripper thing to me

yes the the see the thing about suckles is it whole, you know, suckling thing, I'm a little more sensual than raunchy, and I want to kind of cater to that. Right. Honey suckle sounds more like a 19th century, you know, Old West prostitute. Fair enough. Fair enough. Or possibly the proprietress of a house of ill repute in the Old West. A madam? Yeah, a madam. What if we just kind of tacked something generally classy on the end of honeysuckle? Like, uh...

Honey DeVille? No, I'm saying we use honeysuckle, but we just give her a real... Honeysuckle DeVille. Yeah, right. Just a real cherry of a last name. Yeah, I'm saying we use Honeysuckle, but we just give her a real... Honeysuckle DeVille. Yeah, right. Just a real cherry of a last name. Yeah, I like it. Honeysuckle Cadillac. Honeysuckle...

What are you saying? Honeysuckle DeVille. I'm sticking with Honeysuckle DeVille. It's hard to beat. Because it's like Cruella DeVille, too. Super classy. She's a classy cartoon villainess. She is.

She is She is I feel like we're not getting anything from you here Colton Well I'm trying I don't want to say the wrong thing you know That's how you improv right You don't say the wrong thing I don't want to say the wrong thing either Jonathan Colton And look what an ass you look like

In these last five minutes. Exactly. That's what we're going for. What about a different direction entirely? I'm going to lay this one on you. You ready? Bella Donna. That's a porn star. That's not a porn star.

It's a poison. First of all, it's a poison. It's also a plant. Hold on. On this, just poisons. I'm thinking, I'm thinking here. I want to get back to this. Yeah, poisons.

Keep thinking poisons. Honeysuckle hemlock. Ooh. Honeysuckle hemlock? Honeysuckle arsenic. Yeah. Honeysuckle mustard gas. Honeysuckle mustard gas.

Honeysuckle rat poison. Sorry, you were saying belladonnaonna Oh, honeysuckle flea powder It's a, it's a, it's a, I don't know It's a, it's a, it's a dangerous, it's a dangerous thing But it's kind of planty We have Bella Bella Beauty

The French for beauty Beautiful woman belladonna Right? Honeysuckle absinthe That's not a poison Yeah, it'll just make you hallucinate Sorry, God, I didn't know Bella Donna, right? Honeysuckle absinthe? That's not a poison. Yeah, it'll just make you hallucinate. Sorry, God, I didn't know.

Honeysuckle angel dust. Honeysuckle Red Bull. Yeah, you can get sponsored. Yeah. All right, we need to make a call. This is definitely the toughest. I'm going to say this is the toughest naming we've ever done. This has really been a challenge. This is tougher than a child, because I care more about naked ladies than i do about children sure so i'm i'm definitely taking this

one more personally jordan's a sweet he's a sweet kind of guy who'd say something like that yeah i'm full of poems and shit that's my wieners huge um oh my that's too much um honeysuckle duval i like it do you i like duval better than duville duvet have you noticed we've stopped getting any feedback at all from honeysuckle i'm here no no no i thought that i didn't have a call i shot at this i listened to the show she understands the thing is is unlike some of our other guests who will go unmentioned I thought that I didn't have a shot at this. I listened to the show. She understands. The thing is, unlike some of our other guests who will go unmentioned, she understands that it's not her decision, it's ours. Exactly.

Well, I know, but she should feel free to say, you know, that's good or that's, I hate that. I like honeysuckle duvet. You know, I said duvet as a joke, but I kind of like it now that I listen to it. I like it, too, because it's sultry without being vulgar. It's cozy as well. Yeah, it is cozy. What do you think? Are you on board with honeysuckle duvet?

I feel good about that. I feel good about it. Good. Now, you understand. I think you, of all people, honeuckle you uh you understand that this is a binding decision when we make the final call you're obliged to you know hop on the internet and purchase that url you can't just fuck around like the rocket family who decided to pick some whole other thing even though they claimed they were on board the entire time i I mean, I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm cool. I'm not freaking out, but...

She gets it. You sounded tougher than I've ever heard you before, and I'm a little nervous. So, yeah. Yeah, I'm not going to F around with that. Good. Yeah. That's what I like.

Honeysuckle duvet it is. Honeysuckle duvet! Go us. Now, are you going to register this URL so by the time this podcast goes on the internet in five days, people are going to be able to go to honeysuckleduve.com

and find your website and find out how to book you for a burlesque thing? Um. Yes. I'll try. Do you have anything in the Boston area that you maybe, do you have a regular engagement that people can come see?

No. I'm changing my name because I'm doing a show about how I started called The Genesis of Honey, so next year I'll be doing a one-woman show about it. Oh, fantastic. And we'll be characters in one-woman show about it. Oh, fantastic. And we'll be characters in the show. Can we be characters in the show? Sure, absolutely.

We'll send you hats if you need hats from each of us to complete your characterizations. Hats that we would wear. Oh, bless, and a big frilly wig. Yeah, I'll be in it. I'll take a couple months off. How long is this going to be, a six-month run? More like two or three days.

Great. Are you paying scale? Am I what? Are you paying scale? I have some quarters. Great. I'm in. Colton, are you in? Pasties. I will make you homemade pasties. My nipples are usually showing, and that's

been a problem for me lately, so that'll be nice. I think she said it's a one-woman show, so I don't know if we can really be in it. Nah, it'll be a one-time thing. Sounds like Colton's in. Sounds like Colton is in. Yeah, I'm in it, of course.

That's just an expression. That's just a theater expression. Sorry, you come from the world of singer-songwriters and dirtbags. Yeah. I don't know anything about the stage. Well, Honey Suckle Duvet, it was really a pleasure to have you on the show. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Absolutely. I don't know anything about the stage. Well, Honey Suckle Duvet, it was really a pleasure to have you on the show. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Absolutely. I love you guys. Okay. Talk to you later. Alright. Bye. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Colton, sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jonathan Colton, singer-songwriter, internet superstar.

That's a little close to your ad. Yeah, it's a little on the nose. Don't you think, Colton? Jonathan Colton, beardman. There you go. There. That's what... If only, if only it was that easy for us to get people on board with our program. You know what I mean?

Colton's sharp. He's got bright eyes. He's got long, beautiful hair. He's the kind of guy who's right there with you. I'm on board. Aye, aye, Captain. Not like that fucking Chris Fairbanks who just sleepwalks through these things, huh?

I know. Tell me about it. You guys want to hear something else about fucking Montana or whatever? Man. That's my Chris Fairbanks impression. Did you like that? Man, this is already the most inside Jordan Jesse Go ever. It's setting a world record.

Take that, new listeners. Last week on the program, our guest was Mike Schmidt. And I love Mike Schmidt. I think he's so hilarious and fantastic. I really like his podcast. Loved him when he was on the Never Not Funny podcast. And he's such a cool guy. I really enjoy using his Tupperware that he left in my house that one time. But I find it difficult to

ask him any other question than, how come you got in so many fights, Mike Schmidt? Because I feel like I have never, ever, ever had any interest in being in a fight. The only time that I ever did anything that was like being in a fight was when someone punched me in the face walking down the street for no reason. And the only, you know, I mean, I've been like held up a couple of times. Oh, sure. But not like beaten. No. They just point a knife at you to indicate what they could potentially do.

It's a hassle for them to do anything more than that, as long as you're being compliant. So what I'm saying is, whereas Mike on his podcast just talks about this fight he got into. There's like one of those every show. It's a crazy fight he got into. Yeah, and I've never, not only have I, I was in one playground fight, which I did pretty well in. Really? I had some karate classes at that point. Oh, did you use your karate moves in your playground fight?

I did. I used a karate move. What belt were you? Did you do that punch where you bring your punches to your hips, you know, and then you twist as you go forward? No, I wasn't in that. That's not a practical fighting position, Jesse. That's just for exercise. Were you in like a grappling position? Yeah, I mean, I was prepared. My hands were at a point where they could block

and also strike if need be, and the need did come up. You struck. I think I was like an orange or blue, kind of one of those mid-belts. Yeah, mid-belt. That's a nice belt, though. That's a solid belt. Yeah, it was fourth grade, and I bloodied of one of those mid-belts. Yeah, a mid-belt. That's a nice belt, though. That's a solid belt. Yeah.

It was fourth grade, and I bloodied a nose. Good for you. Thanks. Very good. Yeah. Now, did you start the fight? I did not. No, no.

I was being, well, clearly you've never studied karate. No. Because it means... Right, because you don't have to ask if it's karate. It means empty hand. Hmm. So, naturally, I didn't start the fight. I gotcha.

No, no. It was something over playground equipment. It was about playground equipment. Granted, we were in fourth grade, probably a little too old for that sort of argument. Sure. But anyways, but yeah, that's the only time I've ever fought, and it was pure self-defense. I feel pretty good about it. And just the urge to fight has always been strange to me, even in the adolescence where

you're supposed to be full of piss and stuff like that. I've never had that fighting urge. Colton, any? No? No, I'm trying to think if I even had an experience that was close to a playground fight. I don't think so. I'm into passive resistance. Right.

Rolling over and playing dead. Kind of a Gandhian. Well, you know, my mother told me early on, use words, not fists, which I think is very true. And if somebody's bothering you... It's true that your mother told you that? I have no reason to doubt you. No, it's true that she told me that. And she said, if somebody's bothering you, just ignore them and they'll get bored with it

and they'll go away. And so one time I was sitting on the bus and some kids were behind me pulling my hair and laughing. Were you a long hair at that point? No, no, I'm a long hair now, but I was a short hair then. But they were pulling my hair and I was just ignoring them. And they continued to do it for the entire bus ride.

And so they just pulled my hair the whole way to school and I never looked at them or talked to them or asked them to stop or anything. Did you confront your mom about that? I think I may have mentioned it to her. Was your mother trying...

It probably broke her heart. Was your mother... Do you think your mother was trying to cultivate Asperger's syndrome in you? No, I don't think that's what she was shooting for. No, I believe in a policy of nonviolence. I also say no hitting. Oh, yeah?

I say no hitting to my child as well. Oh. But your child is at an age right now where they kind of have an interest in casual hitting, just as play is. Well, and also as being angry. Oh, really? Okay. Oh, yeah. I've been trying to teach Coco to attack.

Whenever somebody comes to the door or whatever and she's kind of like jumping up and down, I say, attack. Yeah, you just yell, the genitals, the genitals. And it has not, not even one time. My dog's a fucking idiot. I love my dog. Don't get me wrong even one time my dog's a fucking idiot i love my dog don't get me wrong i love my dog okay well recently i um uh i mean again this this this attitude of fighting someone

has always been kind of alien to me and i i you know i've never understood kind of the bullying impulse or the bullying anything and and it it really presented itself right up in my fucking face recently, and it was kind of upsetting to me in the way it manifested itself. I was at a... Occasionally for my job, I will have to go to a video game-related thing, something they are throwing forward, the video game press. And in video... Nintendo Power Magazine. Yeah, like Nintendo Power Magazine, video game press um and uh in video nintendo power magazine yeah like nintendo power magazine

you know the girls of nintendo power sure photo shoot sure um things like that um nintendo power page a day calendar sure um yeah right nintendo power cheat a day. Yeah. God. And the video game press, I was not prepared to dislike as much as I do. I kind of thought I would like hanging out with the video game press. They're a little obnoxious. A lot of stories about how a stripper gave

them their phone number. Really? The video game press? Yeah, yeah. I'm finding them to be pretty kind of those aggressive dorks. Oh. Maybe. And anyways, and I was at this thing, and it was a press event. It was in Oakland, and it was for a bull riding video game. Very strange.

But they totally, like, footed the bill. They, like, flew our crew up to Oakland and, like, put us up in a hotel and stuff, and sort of like, why not? Let's do it. And already we're kind of— Because the thing is, that is a subject that is difficult to cover. You can't cover bull riding unless you're in bull riding country. You have to go to Oakland to get an understanding of it. bull riding country you have to go to oakland right to get an understanding of it um and uh i have not spent too much time in oakland but definitely being in the the area where the bull

riding was taking place i was totally just shocked there was just just so many giant belt buckles and uh uh you know women with kind of a foot of beverage. They're carrying around a foot tube of beverage with them. Yeah. Anyways, very surprising. Fell out of my element. But anyways, so other members of the video game press are there, and there's this one guy, and he is wearing a to-the-floor black trench coat.

He's wearing... At a party? Yes. coat he's wearing at a party he's yes he's wearing uh black snowboard boots uh he's kind of like a ski boot a little bit more walkable but he is wearing them out not something to be worn out he's wearing them uh all black clothes underneath and then to cap it off, he's wearing a hat that looks like an anime penguin. And it doesn't have a picture of the anime penguin on the hat. The hat is made to look like his head is the anime penguin's head. Wow.

Oh, leather jacket, Star Trek patch on the back. Hand sewn on Star Trek patch. He's like Dork Morpheus. Yes, and I wanted to deck this guy. I wanted to bother him. I wanted to take what he had in his pockets. I wanted to lay down behind him while my cameraman pushed him over me. And all these just fucking classic bully feelings just came flooding into my brain like a dam had been exploded.

And I wanted to pull his hair. I wanted to subtly make fun of him. I wanted to embarrass him in front of a girl, and I don't know why, but for some reason, seeing this guy walking around in this bull riding arena with all these, like, kind of tobacco-chewing mustache guys just really sent me over the edge, and I feel awful about it, but it was a really guttural feeling. Were you trying to impress the tobacco-chewing guys? Is that what you're suggesting to us?

I don't know! You would think I would be more angry at them for being so unlike me, and I guess they're more unlike me than this guy is. Me and this guy are probably closer than I would like to admit. Maybe that was it. Maybe that was part of what bothered me. You are wearing a penguin head right now. Yeah, but like... It's a real penguin. It's not an anime penguin. This is one I killed.

This is the real head of a penguin. I guess that's different. And he has a beak. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, I don't quite know how to deal with this. I've been kind of wrestling with it for a while. And yeah, maybe it was.

Maybe he just represents all the parts of myself that I'm kind of embarrassed about. Well, I was going to say, with it for a while. And yeah, maybe it was. Maybe he just represents all the parts of myself that I'm kind of embarrassed about. Well, I was going to say, do you think it was his sort of sense of entitlement? Did it make you angry that he was... Because this is what it sounds like to me. Okay, sure. It made you angry that he dared to wave his freak flag in this very dangerous place. Is that kind of what you were reacting to? And, like, how dare you make a loud noise when everybody knows that you should try to be very quiet here? Yeah, and maybe it wasn't...

Maybe it was that impulse seems kind of childish to me. That, like, let's, you know, let's... I don't know, like, whatever. It's like, let's smoke during Thanksgiving while my grandparents are here you know like that kind of you know it just seems like like such a a mid-teenager thing to do and yeah i mean i get i'm sure he's like all right we're going to the bull riding thing time for the fucking penguin hat let's freak everybody out i'd make and this guy was older this guy is in his i'm well into his 30s i maybe should have prefaced by saying. Wow. So I don't know. Yeah.

Do you think the mustache people wanted to beat him up as well? I don't know. Or did they not even notice? Yeah, no. I felt totally unnoticed by all the mustaches. Were there spittoons? Yeah, strategically placed spittoons. What they have is you have a spittoon you can buy,

and it kind of hangs on a chain around your neck. And it's kind of sectioned off, kind of chopped in half, and one side is a spittoon, and the other side is full of margarita. Oh, I got you. And a big straw goes up to your mouth. You just make sure you put the crazy straw on the right side. Yeah, yeah. Do not mess it up.

Yeah. So you really just wanted to deck. I can understand that there's a kind of there's a kind of arrogance in if you can if you manage to combine like a lot of arrogance and also dorkiness it angers me i'm sure i have that reaction like i'm surprised by it every time i'm like because you know i went to an arts high school in san francisco what haven't i seen you know what i mean but there is that that quality it is specifically that quality it's that like let's go freak out the normals and it's just i just want to be like give me a fucking break like is this all you have in your life to go freak out the normals and maybe

it is you know i don't know well it's a strange aggressive it's an aggressive thing to do is to is to go to a place and to and to purposely subvert the norm to be a what it is is it's like people this is a small group of people who have had much of their lives been put upon by others. And when they find a community of people that are not putting upon them, that aren't picking on them, their thought isn't, great, here's a community of people that aren't picking on them. It's like, yeah, now I can go wave my dick at all those other people. Yeah. Well, that's true, but that's a common, well, it just goes to show you how universal it is to be a bully.

You know, it's what everybody, you know, I don't think, I don't think it's that unusual for any of us to feel that way sometimes. You just want to punch somebody in their fat beak. Have you felt that way? Who do you want to punch in their fat beak? I can't say right now because they're in this room. Is it Nutsy? I want to punch

Nutsy in his fat beak. Nutsy doesn't have a beak, just FYI. He has teeth that never stop growing because he's a rodent. I thought he was wearing a penguin hat

and I was getting really mad at him, but now I see he's just a squirrel. Is it Keith Oberman over there going through Jesse's stuff? It's that guy, isn't it?

It is. Why does Keith Olbermann stay in your apartment? That's weird. He doesn't have anywhere else to go. He doesn't? It seems like his show's doing pretty well. His show is doing well, but he signed a really bad contract. Oh, one of those. Is he still technically an intern?

He's unpaid. Completely unpaid. the thing is he's still technically an intern unpaid completely unpaid i thought that he the thing is i thought he i when i first met him i told him that i thought he was really funny on sports center yeah and then he's like have you seen my new show and i was like uh i saw your fox sports show a couple times he He's like, oh, I have a new show. And I was like, and so I said, oh, yeah, I've seen that. It's smart. It's cool. Funny. That was a good guess. I hadn't seen it, but immediately he just glommed on to me.

Yeah. This was at a party, actually, at Jordan's place. And he talked to me the whole night. That's not food, Keith. That's not food. Put it down. That's not food. Out.

Out of your mouth. Spit it out. Okay. Thanks for having to spit it out before you even found a bowl. He doesn't seem as smart in person. You have to give him a bowl when you ask him to spit stuff out.

I'm just worried he's going to get diarrhea. Well, I'm worried he's going to get diarrhea, too, but it's basically diarrhea. It just didn't go through his guts. It's on my, well, not get diarrhea too, but it's basically diarrhea. It just didn't go through his guts. It's on my, well, not even my rug, my landlord's rug now. Sorry, Keith, I'm not talking about you. He doesn't speak English. He doesn't even know what's going on.

He seems so smart on the show, and here he seems like he's just a complete idiot. Well, he reads his lines phonetically. He doesn't write any of those. He just memorizes. They just teach him the sounds. Sort of like, do you know how Kirk from Star Trek made that Esperanto movie in the 60s? Yeah. Memorized all his lines phonetically.

Yeah. Sort of the same thing. He's, I mean, don't listen, Keith. He's sort of an idiot savant. So he's an amazing memorizer, and he's really good with... I always ask, I talk to his producer from time to time, why don't you do more prime number stuff on the show? Because he's so good at that.

It's really his gift, his prime numbers. But they just give him stuff to say. It's amazing, even in the interviews and stuff, it's all, it's all pre-scripted. It's all pre-scripted. Yeah, well, they'll give him his half of the script. The other person isn't on a script, so he can go really badly sometimes. But the special comment is totally improvised, right? No, no, no, no, no, no. Well, did you see the one, did you see the one that started with five and then it was going up?

Seven and then eleven? That one was improvised. That was improvised. The teleprompter had broken that day. So he did something. They were like, three, two, one. Just do primes, Keith. And he did it. He did it. He did a great job, I thought. He did., one, just do primes, Keith. And he did it.

He did it. He did a great job, I thought. He did. He named a lot of primes. Yeah. And then he got a big candy. Because he did. He did such a good job.

He did. He's cute. We had a lot of fun on this show, huh? Yeah. Talking about Keith, the whole nine yards. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse go. It's Jordan, Jesse go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart, Jordan Morris, boy detective, uh, Jonathan Colton with us. Our, our sponsor on Jordan, Jesseesse go by the way is slide

to play.com how delightfully ironic that uh we were unable that jonathan colton was unable to answer the call of a new segment beginning because he was dicking around on his iphone uh given that our sponsor slide to play.com uh offers reviews of the latest hottest uh iphone video games guys stop taking pictures of each other we're having cell phones we're trying to be like merlin man i number one merlin man is class all the way he hires a pro somebody is going to come in knows a flick knows how to make a flicker set you know who I'm trying to be like? Man Ray. If you want to play video games on your iPhone, but you don't know which ones to pick, if you're interested in the video games for iPhones community, if you're interested in the hottest new video games for the iPhone,

you know where you're going to go, Jordan? SlideToPlay.com. Or your iPod Touch also works on that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Now, I'm interested, you know, I would like, personally, I'd like to see them branch out into Zune games because my current Zune has Texas Hold'em Poker

and a puzzle game that I don't know the rules of and don't want to sit through the instruction screens. So I'd be interested in some Zune reviews. That's just constructive criticism for Slide to Play. But I am prepared to admit that most people have iPhones or iPod Touches and not Zunes. You know what I mean? I'm not going to try and, you know, pull one over on them.

It's a nice website. SlideTolay.com Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you

Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Jordan Jesse Goeim, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Jonathan Colton, Honeysuckle Lover. Love you, love you Juanita. I've literally, I've got an email inbox brimming over with letters regarding Juanita. All our calls that we got this week were about Juanita. Maybe she should have her own show. No, she should just be on our show. Yeah, don't encourage her to

branch off. We can't have her go Dr. Phil off, you know, on her own deal, you know. We gotta keep her on our thing with a, you know, focus and etc. Anyway, holiday projects are continuing. Again, I'm hearing about plans for holiday projects, but I'm not funding plans. I'm

funding projects. It's not even Thanksgiving yet, Jesse. Give them time. Okay. I mean, look at Jonathan Colton. He writes a holiday novelty song, Chiron Beta Prime, if I'm not mistaken. Yeah, yeah. That's the kind of thing that people out there should be doing.

You know who's going to do it? I'll tell you who's going to do it. He said it on the board. He's thinking some kind of song audio type thing. Weird Al Lover. Yeah, you can always count on that guy. But you know what? Speaking of name changes, Weird Al Lover is now Mafu John.

Really? Yeah, Weird Al Lover changed his name. Does he no longer love Weird Al? Maybe he just doesn't want to be known anymore as exclusively. I'm sure he still loves Weird Al. Well, Weird Al hasn't been quite as prolific these days as he's been in the past. Maybe he kind of feels abandoned by Weird Al. Yeah, and he feels embraced by Mafu.

You know what I mean? That kind of stuff happens. That kind of feels abandoned by Weird Al. Yeah, and he feels embraced by Mafu. You know what I mean? That kind of stuff happens. That kind of stuff happens. Colton, as a funny song guy, what's your relationship to Weird Al like? Not to open up a can of worms. I know we're trying to wrap it up. We're wrapping it up.

That's all right. We cuddle, but we do not kiss. Okay. Good. Well, that's good to know. I'm a fan of Weird Al. I like Weird Al very much. You don't do the outfits like he does. I don't. And I don't do the parody songs. No.

But I get the comparison. You're not as funny as he is. Or like, cool. That's true. Yeah, I had a lot of best-selling albums. Yeah. You need corrective true. Yeah, and had a lot of best-selling albums. Yeah. You need corrective lenses. Yeah.

Poker medley. Something he does on every album. Yeah, he does always do a poker medley. Jonathan Colton has been our guest on the program. He's online at JonathanColton.com. And, you know, we'll, as the outro to this week's program, we'll play one of his songs. Do you have a preferred song for us to play? Since it's almost Christmas and you mentioned it,

you might as well play Chiron Beta Prime. Okay, we'll play Chiron Beta Prime on the outro. We're also still asking people to look through people's pockets. Tell us what they find. If it's an interesting person, not just some buddy of yours, if it's someone with a cool job, someone with a cool hairstyle, we want to know what's in their pockets. Give us a call. And all old people are up for grabs.

Yeah. 206-984-4FUN is the number to call. And, you know, we're always here to give you some advice, to help you out, answer your questions, and etc. Sure. You know what I mean? You can also email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org, and you can always talk about the show on the forum, maximumfun.org slash forum. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, available on the album Kites Are Fun, the

best of The Free Design on Light in the Attic Records, which I know I say this a lot, but you've got a copy of the album. It's great, right? Oh my gosh. There's a song about a Ouija board called TG's Ouija. Yeah, it's wonderful. It's about an old man with a magic Ouija board.

Get that fucking album. My favorite one is the one about the teeny boppers, the songs the teeny boppers are buying. It's like their angry post-career song. I can't think of what it's called. A hit song? Oh, hit song. That's what it's called. I love that one.

It's gonna be a hit, hit, hit. Shibadoo-doo-doo-doo. Yeah, exactly. That's how that one goes. Jonathan Colton's like, what is going on here? Okay, we're gonna go have a fancy dinner at the Chateau Marmont. Ha ha ha. No, yeah, I am.

We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. We'll talk to you next week on Jordan, Jesse, go. the Andersons. You may recall we had some trouble last year. The Robot Council had us banish to an asteroid that hasn't undermined our holiday cheer. And we know it's almost Christmas by the marks we make on the wall. That's our favorite time of year.

Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime Where we're working in a mine for our robot overlords Did I say overlords? I meant protectors Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime On every corner there's a giant metal Santa Claus Who watches over us with glowing red eyes

They carry weapons and they know if you've been bad or good Not everybody's good but everyone tries And the rocks outside the airlock Exude ammonia-scented snow It's like a winter wonderland Outside the airlock, exudamonia scented snow. It's like a winter wonderland. Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime. Where we're working in a mine for our robot overlords. Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.

Merry Christmas. Chiron Beta Prime. That's all the family news that we're allowed to talk about We really hope you'll come and visit us soon I mean, we're literally begging you to visit us And make it quick before they message redacted Now it's time for christmas dinner i think the robot sent us a pie you know i love my soil and green merry christmas from chiron beta prime where we're working in a mine for our robot overlords. Did I say overlords? I meant protectors.

Merry Christmas from Chiron Beta Prime.