Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Ep. 85: The Penguin Thief

Episode Date: January 5, 2009

Jordan and Jesse hear about a child stealing a baby penguin, discuss a Japanese New Year's Eve and more.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and sex and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, maggoty, maddy, twiddle, dum, go Jordan's beef with pita chips.

My celebration of troop of 100 and much, much more. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to another spectacular Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Welcome to another spectacular Jordan, Jesse, go program. Yeah. And hey, I don't think we say this enough.

Thanks for tuning in. Oh, I thought you were going to say, I don't think we say this enough. This is a spectacular program. Look, I don't know if we, I don't think we say this enough, but we're amazing. We're hilarious, charming, handsome. Taller than you'd think. Taller than you'd think from listening. Absolutely.

We have mellifluous voices. Great teeth. Very healthy teeth. My dentist says I do a great job taking care of my teeth. I know that's the case with you and your dentist. I've looked in on that. I've never had a cavity. There you go.

Never had a cavity. No cavities here uh i uh sometimes i'll admit i have to use uh a thing that you squirt in your ear to make sure there's no waxy buildup um and then i use a syringe that like you'd put like you use to clean your butt uh in my ear sometimes i do worry that people think I'm cleaning my butt when I'm in the shower. Like if they go into my bathroom and they see the little syringe bulb thing that I have to use to clean my ear,

I'm worried they might think I'm cleaning my butt. Sometimes I invite neighbors in to watch me pee. Speaking of inviting neighbors in, this is something that I promised to people last week, and I feel like I really didn't deliver on. I feel bad about it. A couple weeks ago, Teresa and I are doing the laundry in the basement of our apartment building. Now, we live in an apartment building with gates and a security guard.

You know, it's an old-timey apartment building, so it's not like there's a courtyard that you wander through. It's just an apartment building. And there's a common laundry room with a nice leather couch and a television and its own bathroom. And we were in there. That's nice. It's premium.

Yeah. They do a nice job with a little extra waiting space. They want to encourage you to sit in with your laundry. Exactly. Like maybe you should, but oftentimes it's not comfortable. But you never do, because what are you going to do is sit there with your... Yeah, mine's in just a dank basement. Yeah.

I think there's a couple of Red Book magazines on a table. They're like, hey, here's some magazines. But I'm like, no, this is a dank basement. Yeah, I got my own subscription to Red Book. you yeah i'm gonna go read a current red book these are two three months old um well you you have that woman named pinky or whatever it is who yeah there's a there's a woman who lives next door to the laundry room for some reason she's been given permission to live in the basement of the apartment and her name is peaches and she has a lot of homemade uh obama clothes and jewelry she makes like uh she makes obama t-shirts and pins

and earrings and it's just covered in them at all times even now after the election still covered in homemade obama stuff and uh yeah if you're in there at 1001 uh she comes out and gives you the yelling of your lifetime she's a sour-tempered woman yeah also doesn't like you playing uh rock band late at night we'll come up and tell you to stop me she'll tell me to stop playing rock band yeah she won't talk to the uh crazy man who lives next door to you walks around naked in a piles of newspapers no and now is leaving uh leaving garbage on my doorstep. Leaving bags of his garbage on my doorstep. Teresa and I

were downstairs. But no, he's fine. He's cool. Teresa and I were downstairs doing our laundry, and there's a woman wandering around. And you know, it's a medium-sized apartment building, but I've got a pretty good handle on who does and does not live in this apartment building. Sure.

And there were a couple of clues that tipped me off that this was not a woman who lived in my apartment building. For one thing, a white lady, not a Korean person. So I think I've got a great handle on what white people live in our building. There's only like four. Using a little something called racial profiling you were able exactly the mystery if it was one of the 30 to 40 korean people that live in my building maybe i maybe i might mistake them for a different korean person being a racist sure but this was a white lady and i know the white ladies that live in their building because there's only one a couple white guys one white lady other than my wife, of course.

This woman's walking around. She's in her... You're not in some kind of interracial marriage. No, not at all. You want to be very, very clear. I am no fan of miscegenation, Jordan. You and I both know that. Let's call it what it is.

Look. Race mixing. If race mixing is allowed to happen in marriages... Mixing. Mixing. The next thing you know, people will be marrying dogs. You know what I mean? One man will have three dog wives.

That's what will happen immediately thereafter. Anyway, I'm in my laundry room, and there's this woman kind of wandering around the laundry room. Now, it's not a big laundry room. That's why it's odd that she would be wandering around. There's sort of two chambers. One is just big enough to fit a row of maybe five washing machines and five dryers on either side with a, you know, washing machine or dryer sized aisle in between. And then there's sort of a little area with the couch and the television and the bathroom. She's wandering between these areas, making us very uncomfortable. She's not

doing anything, Jordan. I want to be clear about that. Not doing anything. She's sort between these areas, making us very uncomfortable. She's not doing anything, Jordan. I want to be clear about that. Not doing anything. She's sort of like a 30-ish woman, I would say, but the kind of 30-ish woman where she could just as well be 52. Okay. You know what I mean? This is a woman who has led a hard life. Sure.

As Teresa put it to me later that week, if she is not a prostitute now, she has been a prostitute at some point. The woman has accepted money for sex at some point. And she comes over and she says, hey, do you guys need any help? And we said, no, we have this under control. It's fine. And she sort of wandered off for another little while. She wanders back in, picks up our laundry soap, brings it to her nose and smells it,

puts it down, wanders away again, wanders back in and says, I could do your laundry for you. Wow. What's going on, Jordan? What's going on? I don't know. No, I think it says something about my lack of commitment to my laundry that even given this context, I wasn't willing to like stand guard over my laundry.

Obviously, the only reasonable explanation is she's trying to steal laundry, but she's too high to do a good job. Sure. But I was unwilling to. So we just left it there. She didn't steal any of it. But when we came back to put it in the dryer she was still wandering around oh man jesse she did what we call in comedy the slow burn that's when you set up a joke the joke in this case being i'll do your laundry for you yeah you walk away you smell something you come and go

and then say the punchline to the joke and of course of course you oh you're probably too young to remember bob newhart but i was gonna say we owe this to jack joke. And of course, you owe... You're probably too young to remember Bob Newhart, but he did this all the time. I was going to say, we owe this to Jack Benny. This is Jack Benny's legendary routine on his radio programs, where he would... They would have, you know, a star of the time, a Gracie Allen or something, would be doing some laundry.

At the time, she would be using not an automatic laundry machine, but rather a mangler. And he would come in and say, do you guys need any help? And then, of course, Gracie Allen would say, no, I got it all under control. And he would

wander off, sort of looking confused. And Gracie Allen would go to his vault and count his money. Exactly. And Gracie Allen's worrying, is he going to mess himself or do something else weird? You know, take out a syringe. Sure. Right there in the laundry room.

Cough AIDS blood on me. And then you should go to school. Jack Green would come back and et cetera until you get the punchline, which is, I could do your laundry for you. This is classic comedy, Jesse. You got to see that live. It's sort of like seeing someone slip on a banana peel in real life. It seems surreal. It was a magical moment.

I guess I was upset with someone for leaving the gate open so that a weird drifter, someone for like leaving the gate open so that so that a weird uh drifter like a a sort of uh you know like a truck stop prostitute type could sort of wander in and but now that you put it that way i guess what it really was was somebody who just had a great appreciation of a of classic comedy sort of like the sort of like the time that um uh uh those two residents in my building, one fat and one skinny, were trying to carry a piano up the stairs. Yeah, yes. If you put it in that context, it seems totally appropriate. And it also explains why there's so many small Korean men in my building with little Hitler mustaches and bowler caps that are always getting caught up in the machinery of uh industrialized society

literally physically clocks yeah um production lines yeah they're just kind of they're just kind of making physical some anxieties that we have as a society sort of like how i've had all those so in this case it's partly about how i've had so much anxiety about the smell of my laundry detergent and also uh just just truck stop prostitutes now you're getting it now you're getting it this whole thing economic downturn the whole thing was a rich web of symbolism that you just uh you just misinterpreted as random craziness well anyway we we've got uh judge john hodgman coming up on the program we've got a trader joe reviews this is going to be a great program, Jordan. Filled with content.

As good looking as the two of you. With good looking faces and healthy teeth like we've got. This is going to be a monster. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you Love you, love you, love you It's Jordan, Jesse Goe.

I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, I trust you had a good holiday season. No, it was very nice. Which is your favorite holiday? Boxing day? So you get to go shopping after Christmas sales? No, I think My favorite holiday is...

It's tough. Christmas. Oh, I know what it is. What? New Bunny Day, because you got a new bunny calendar for Christmas. No, that's you. You're thinking of... I did.

I got one. It's a... Well, congratulations. It's got mostly little-eared bunnies. Jesus Christ. Like Harold, my... Another year of hell. The bunny that I had.

Another year of living hell. Anyway, it was a Christmas present from my wife. And the bunnies are so adorable. This is like a baby bunny. You don't even care. You just asked me a question. Here's what you did. You asked me a question as an excuse to talk about your fucking calendar.

You didn't even care about my answer. You didn't even care about my answer to the question. Oh, what was your favorite holiday? Hey, guess what? Fucking rabbits. Rabbits, rabbits, baseball. That's you. When it's January 1st, it's a new year.

It's a new change is coming. That means a new bunny calendar with more baby bunnies in it. More dwarf bunnies and less giants. I may have had an answer to that question. No? It's okay. Did you do anything for New Year's Eve? Did you have any adventures on New Year's Eve?

No, it was a low-key New Year's Eve. I thought I wasn't going to do... I rarely do something on... Nobody... Who would invite me to a party? You know what I mean? Why would you invite this guy? A little stick in the mud.

Yeah, just a stick in the mud. But I got a call from uh our friend scott simpson from uh you look nice today he was in town and uh invited us over uh uh to uh their his good friend's house now his his good friends here in los angeles um uh scott and his wife met uh this woman and her husband when they were all English teachers in Japan. All of them except the woman's husband, who's a Japanese guy. I'm pretty surprised at what a popular kind of post-college thing that is to do is the stint as English teacher in Japan. English teacher in Japan. I didn't go hire anybody. I think that's the deal.

I was in Japan once. I met some English teachers that were Japanese. Their English was very, very, very poor. So I'm going to guess that they're just excited to have someone who can say the words out loud. So anyway, I was expecting to have this low-key. I turned out to have a Japanese New Year's Eve, which I had no idea was going to be the thing. Ate from a hot pot. Okay.

I don't remember what that's called in Japanese. A hot pot put different, like a pork into the, and then you see what I'm saying? Yeah. And we watched the Japanese New Year's Eve special. Okay. We watched the Japanese New Year's Eve special on NHK, the Japanese channel, while they explained different Japanese contexts for the strange, strange things we were seeing. One woman was singing traditional Japanese country music, and the entire stage was her dress.

Okay. Apparently this is her thing. She's like the Japanese Cher. When you say country music, you mean... It's like a kind of Japanese pop music that is associated with the country. It's like super histrionic and like crazy. Like the people make really crazy faces while they sing it. And also apparently apparently according to these guys one of the big stars of this genre right now is a black american guy okay um but

anyway uh so we watched that but the really amazing thing that i saw was a television program i looked it up on the internet there's this guy beat takeshihi, who's a famous Japanese filmmaker, television star, etc., etc. Takeshi Kitano is his name. And I knew him as a filmmaker. I've never seen his films, but I'd heard a lot about his films. He makes these sort of like wry gangster films and these beautiful touching. He's a very famous japanese filmmaker but apparently uh in the 1980s he was he was a japanese television host and um a sort of regis like i was going to say regis like but much crazier than regis as crazy as regis is already

um he hosted a show called takeshi's challenge i I think is what it's called, which was later Takeshi's Castle. It was made into that show on Spike where they put the slightly offensive play-by-play on the Crazy Japanese Game Show. So it's that game. And before that, he hosted a show called, I had to look this up on Wikipedia, Oretachi Hyokinzoku. And this is the craziest fucking show you've ever seen in your entire fucking life, Jordan. If you thought the show where they have to do crazy stuff on the crazy Japanese game show joke show on Spike was crazy, you need to get a load of Oretachi Hyokinzoku. Okay.

Here's a few. Let's talk about a few segments on this program. Sure. That I watched the other night. Now, number one, I'd imagine there were a couple jokes I missed on this program, but mostly it survived the fact that I don't speak Japanese at all completely and perfectly. I wouldn't characterize the humor as subtle or verbal. Okay. Except that it sometimes did involve yelling.

So here's one of the sketches on the show. Two guys are dressed up as ninjas, but kind of crazy ninjas. And the rest of the guys are dressed up as an 80s hair metal band. Okay. This was recorded. This is the show ran in the mid to late 80s. And they set up an entire hair metal band in a room of a traditional Japanese-style house with tatami mats and sliding screens and everything.

And there's someone sleeping on the other side of it. And then they kick down the wall and just start playing heavy metal music and yelling at the guy. Wait, what are the ninjas doing during all this? They're helping everyone sneak in because ninjas are so sneaky. Gotcha. they're leading the sneak part of this operation okay so that's called heavy metal morning okay um now there's other mornings too oh uh bazooka morning

it's a runner here's what you do in bazooka runner in comedy bazooka morning they go to a like a tourist area of japan and there's someone sleeping in like a tourist hotel they get hundreds of tourists to crowd around the windows and look in this is a prank or is this a sketch this is a prank okay it's the hair metal thing was that was that a was that really happening i think i'm pretty sure it was really happened might have been partly faked okay but it was presented definitely presented as sure it was really happened. Might have been partly faked. Okay. But it was presented, definitely presented as though it was really happening. And then they just fire bazookas. I mean, I guess they're not real bazookas. Clearly not.

So there's some guys dressed as ninjas, and they're sneak helping the guys dressed as bazooka gunners in. Everyone's going, shh. There was cowboys and Indians morning. this is what it is sure some of the people i can i bet i can guess okay go for it some ninjas help some guys dressed as cowboys and indians sneak into an area where people are sleeping and then they make a bunch of noise well how about this jordan okay some ninjas help some guys dressed as indians uh offensively i mean i'm not gonna pretend like this wasn't an offensive racist caricature um they help them sneak into somebody's house there's not the cultural baggage in japan associated with with indians silently disassemble

their sort of floor bed thing that they're sleeping on put it on a kind of stretcher carry it with the person still sleeping on it out into a field of mud tie a rope to the person's ankles and then a japanese guy dressed as a cowboy on a horse comes by takes hold of the rope and bolts and the person just gets dragged through mud by a guy dressed as a cowboy on a horse. That's gotta be fake. That can't be a prank. That can't be real, right?

No. I don't know. It's very difficult for me to judge. It's funny that this guy is like a serious filmmaker as well. It seems like in other countries, people, if you're just a famous person, you can just do stuff.

Do anything. Yeah, I guess I was listening to an interview with the director of Slumdog Millionaire. Right, sure, Danny Boyle. And he was talking about how the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire in India is like a big politician. Yeah.

And he just hosted a game show um okay here's here's the here's the piece of this thing i mean there was other things there was something where they jumped out of a helicopter into uh like a pile of powdered sugar maybe it was sure um i mean you've seen that a million times. I mean, you've seen something like Troop of 100, where somebody's walking down an alley, and then from flooding into the other side of the alley comes 100 people running at full speed in the opposite direction. And then they run and pick up the guy and start throwing him in the air. Yes. You've seen things like that before.

Sure. In classic comedy. We were talking about classic comedy there was a classic comedy there's this one guy my favorite guy on this show he wears these kind of big square glasses you know like almost like uh almost like a like a steve allen type of glasses sure japanese guy he reminded me a little bit of sort of like a japanese version of eric werheim from Tim and Eric. Gotcha. A strange man with a kind of big blocky glasses. And I guess the premise of this, as it was explained to me, is that he goes up to someone on the street

and then asks them to show him their thumbs. Mm-hmm. And so they are obviously confused by it. He lasts like old people in fancy kimonos and, you know, people working. And then while they're like putting their thumb up, he goes, yay. And that's it. That's this whole thing. Well, one of them, he asked this guy, and the guy goes, yay! And then he goes, yay!

They go, yay! They go back and forth for like three minutes. Sure. The guy has no idea what's going on. He's just like, well, if that's what we're saying, then I'll say it too. And weird Eric Wareheim just gets him to keep doing this, like show his thumb and go, yay, yay, yay. And then at the end, they asked him, they like interview him.

And he says, yeah, I had a really nice time. Foreigners are weird. I have no idea what that was that I watched. And then, of course, Dick Clark came on. He had a stroke last year, and that was even stranger. He came on. You switched to American TV at that point. Oh, yeah, Dick Clark was on there. He wasn't on the Japanese channel.

Yeah, I know he owns the New Year's and everything, but he has a really hard time talking now. Yeah. I don't understand why he put himself at the center of his television program. He has a really hard time talking now yeah i don't understand why he's why he put himself at the center of his television program he has a really hard time talking inspires people jesse that despite his stroke he can still get up there and rock in the new year i couldn't tell what he was saying i'm gonna be honest with you jordan you weren't just inspired by the fact that he was there and mumbling i don't know i mean how inspired there was another woman on this same program i don't know did you see this dick clark rocking' New Year's Eve program?

I didn't, no. Okay, here's the cast of characters. Ryan Seacrest, who is, of course, a fucking retard. Sure. Dick Clark, who cannot talk anymore, but also has a creepy plastic surgery face still. Sure. So it looks like his face, because he can't move like there's a certain like can't move your face quality that people get when they have a lot of plastic surgery that's been amplified by by the

fact that he had an actual stroke and actually can't move his face very well sure and so it's like a nightmare it's like looking at a nightmare where someone's face has been replaced by a rubber mask you know what i mean Like a fat rubber mask. And then the other person on this show is just a woman who just screams at people. I don't even know who this person is. It's a woman. It's a blonde woman. And she just goes,

And then also Fergie is somewhere. They just cut randomly to Fergie. Sometimes they would cut to Fergie and she would just say something. But she wasn't like one of the, like the woman who was just yelling at people. Sure. In a sort of vaguely southern accent. And she was like, so you're getting married? Like, it was like the Today Show.

Gotcha. But she was yelling. Maybe it was that woman from The View. Who's that? Is there a woman from The that? The blonde conservative woman. No, it wasn't that lady. No, it wasn't that lady. It might be a lady from The View, though.

That seems like a reasonable explanation. Another possible explanation is country music star. Okay. But if she was a country music star, a lot of country music stars are sort of down home. Sure. This woman was not down home. She was big city big city she was insane she was just screaming at people i have no idea and so i guess the moral of the story is that the american entertainment programming no no less perplexing to me than the japanese crazy show where i feel like i need i'm'm sure there are, we have listeners.

I know we have listeners like in Japan and stuff. Yeah. I want you, I want some of our listeners to go onto like Japan YouTube and find some clips of Oritachi Hyokinzoku

and share them in the message forum because it's going to blow people's minds. If you can find the one the show me your thumbs one. Oh, it's like magic, Jordan. Sounds great. What is that blow people's minds. If you can find the one, the show me your thumbs one. It's like magic, Jordan. Sounds great.

What is that? That's nothing. That isn't anything. It's funny noises and stuff happening. That's great. And when the person puts up their thumb, they look so confused. And he just goes, yeah. What is that?

It's stuff. It's content. Oh, God. I loved it so much jordan oh i just wanted to marry it and then i ate udon noodles for a long and healthy life it's great it's great happy new year that's called fucking new year's my friend yeah we'll be back in just a second jordan jessica La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la called Trader Joe's. The stock, however, at Trader Joe's changes regularly and frequently. It can be difficult to navigate the differences between the

various grocery products and know what to buy and what to avoid. Luckily, there is one man who is brave enough to stand up and review the various products available at Trader Joe's grocery stores. With Trader Joe's reviews, it's Jordan Morris. Our first review, flavored sparkling water. I'm thrilled that Trader Joe's has started carrying this, but I'd like to see a wider variety of flavors in the future. I mean, Mandarin orange. Is that the best you can do?

Mini pita crackers. These are delicious crackers, perfect for snacking, but why are so many of them broken in the box? Did these crackers just come from starring in the big budget action movie Big Trouble in Little China? Red pears. More like red scare. The scare in this case being that I eat too many of these delicious red pears. Sliced monster cheese. I love Munster cheese.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, we live in a murky world uh a world where justice is an ephemeral concept difficult to grasp uh much less manifest in the physical realm that's why we're lucky to have judge john hodgman the physical embodiment of justice. The old one was justice with the scales, I guess. But the new one is

Judge John Hodgman. Now, we have a case... It was starting to creep people out. Yeah. That blindfolded lady, she looks like she's involved in some kind of sex thing. Order! Order! Sorry, Judge Hodgman. Sorry, Judge Hodgman.

I'm calling you from my chambers. I am indeed holding a scale and of course my sword so i am not blindfolded i just i simply can't see who i'm speaking to who are they who are the disputants is there an ann present yes that would be me your honor step forward and explain your side of this dispute. Do you have a representative here? Yes, yes, I do. Yes, Judge Hodgman, Jesse Thorne for the complainant. You know, I have to say, Anne, this is a small claims court. It is not necessary for you to hire an attorney, or in this case, a public radio show host.

I'm making a mockery of this court, but that's fine. Your Honor, I have accepted this case on a pro bono basis. Hey, that's my wife you're talking to. Oh, hey, hey, you don't speak yet, whoever you are. So who's going to state the case for Ann? Shall it be Ann? Hello, Ann. How are you, by the way?

Hello. I'm a little by the way? Hello. I'm a little intimidated by your presence here. What's interesting is I'm not even present there. That's how scared I am at this point. She's looking at a picture of you. Don't be scared. I shall meet out justice fairly. And while my ruling will be fair, I am going to destroy your marriage. And while my ruling will be fair, I am going to destroy your marriage.

Well, I believe so strongly about the situation that we have here that we really needed some professional intervention. So that is why we're here. You're willing to take the risk. I think that's the first step forward. Admitting that you're both wrong is the first step forward to justice. Now, who is going to present the case? Shall it be you, Anne, or shall it be your slick talk in public radio, seersucker suit wearing, Andy Griffith type? Your Honor, my client's homespun charm will speak for itself.

Okay, very well. Let me hear your side of the story. Well, it's like this, Judge. I love my husband to death, but he has this one habit that I'm having a hard time living with. That is the nature of marriage, but go on. He's a wonderful man, but he's pretty much obsessed with his peanut butter and jelly. Okay. Is that a euphemism for something? I knew this when I married him.

The actual sandwiches. Excuse me, is that the other disputant? What is your name, sir? Mario. Mario, please wait. I'm not sitting in on your bickering session. Counsel, please restrain your client. Do you have counsel as well?

Yes. Who's representing you? Jordan, the sidekick-y bailiff guy. Yep. Okay. All right, so we don't have a bailiff now. Thank you. Thanks for stealing our bailiff.

What up, Judge? To be your rep. And I'm sorry about all these clowns. I hate it when my courtroom is made into a circus. Your Honor, to clarify, Jordan is a colorful urban judge in the style of my cousin Vinny. I see, okay. Everybody get naked! Sorry. Oh, okay, very well.

So he's a wisecracking, short ethnic type who's bringing some culture clash into the American South. Is that what you're saying? Yes. He's like my cousin, Vinny. Very well. You can see why I prefer not to have attorneys in the courtroom. So this is your husband you're speaking of? Yes. Mario. And he likes peanut butter and jelly sandwiches? Yes, he eats peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Right.

Almost daily. And I have no problem with that. It's not a crime. It is not a crime, but it's the act of making the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Okay. First I have to ask this question. Are we talking about crunchy peanut butter or creamy peanut butter? Creamy.

Okay. I'm just making note of that. Thank you. And what kind of jelly? Are we talking about crunchy peanut butter or creamy peanut butter? Creamy. Okay. I'm just making note of that. Thank you. And what kind of jelly? Raspberry Preserves, I believe. You got a brand name for me? I'm sorry.

It's Strawberry Preserves. Is it a fancy pants kind? No, no. Generic. We're talking generic. Oh, generic. Okay. Very well.

And white bread. Okay. Very well. And white bread. Okay. And what unusual way does he have of making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich that is so surprising to you? Because it's causing stress in your marriage. The fact that the man that I love dearly will lick the knife while he's making this peanut butter and jelly sandwich hurts my soul. I don't even know if I need to hear any more, but out of fairness to the other disputant, Mario, do you have a side to the story that you want to tell? Is this true? Is this true?

This is true, Your Honor. I can't dispute the facts. So tell me how you make a sandwich. You put the two pieces of bread out. Talk me through it. The two pieces of bread, and it has to be kind of cheap white bread. You know, no nuts. Well, that goes without saying.

I'm talking about procedure here, not ingredients. Okay. So, and then the knife goes. Go ahead. Counsel, please restrain your client. Hey, excuse me. What kind of bread are we talking about here? Do you have a brand you want to...

Usually Safeway Generic. Oh, wow, okay. So you're going to... It's really... Okay, very grim. All right, I understand. And, well, I don't want to put on airs. And then it's peanut butter, smooth peanut butter.

Right. Do you keep that in the fridge or do you keep it on the shelf? I keep it on the shelf. Good man. Go on. It's all natural Laura Scudders. I taught him that. So you use a fancy peanut butter.

I do. I am very particular about my peanut butter. All the other ingredients are garbage. Correct. Except the peanut butter is fancy gourmet. Well, it just outweighs everything else. And the oil is separated when you buy it, right? You've got to mix it up.

Yeah, and then the oil goes everywhere. So far, you know what? So far, I respect all of these priorities. Oh, good. Thank you, Your Honor. So the peanut butter goes on one side of the bread. Whoa. And I scrape off large amounts of excess on the side of the jar.

But then there's always that very tenacious peanut butter film over the knife blade. And so I lick the knife blade clean. Clean. Clean, yeah. Excuse me, this is your husband's chance. Yeah. I'm sorry. Permission to treat

the witness as sexy. Wobble, wobble. Woo! Sorry. Counsel, please restrain your counsel. Counselors, please restrain yourselves

so that I can hear what Mario, aka Mars, has to say. Go on. And then the knife, the now clean knife, goes into the strawberry preserve. Oh, you might as well stab it right in my heart. I was afraid you were going to say that.

And then you use that knife to spread the peanut butter, I mean the jelly on the other half of the bread, the other slice of bread, right? Yes. And then you use a standard docking procedure where you take the two slices and you meld them together. Exactly. Right, and then you cut them in half, what, on the diagonal or straight? I do not cut the sandwich. Right.

Well, because you're a monster, that's why. You're a savage. Well, then I don't need a plate. You're a savage. Let's why. You're a savage. Well, then I don't need a plate. You're a savage. Let me tell you a little story. First of all, you should get a plate. Yeah. Well, I'll save that for when I go back to my chambers.

All right, I see. How do you defend this practice? Well, there's one salient point that I think is very important to this case, the fact that I am the only one in the household who uses the strawberry preserves. So I do not lick the knife when I'm dipping it into the peanut butter, but I lick it before I put it into the strawberry preserves. And I don't want little flecks of peanut butter getting mixed into the preserves because then they get hard and white and yucky. But by the same token, I'm not causing anybody

else any grief by putting my germs and stuff on the knife and then into the jelly. Because you're the only one who uses the jelly, is that right? And you always start with the peanut butter and then go to the jelly. Yes. And do you wear clothing while you do this? On occasion. Do you shave with clamshells? No, we're not that close to the ocean. You walk upright and you speak English and you otherwise act like a normal civilized human? Yes, I've got a pretty good facade going.

Okay, all right. Your Honor, permission to approach the bench? Oh, you may approach. I just wanted to say that you look really good today. All right. Your Honor, permission to approach the bench? Oh, you may approach. I just wanted to say that you look really good today. And it was really nice to see you and your wife at the club last night. That is all. Your Honor, permission to get funky? Permission granted. I'm doing it. I'm currently doing it. I appreciate that. And what do you seek to address this issue? I love my husband enough that I just know that he is in the wrong

and that he won't do it again. We can work this out. You want an apology, an admission of being wrong? I do. And a promise to never do it again. Yes. Your Honor, my client also seeks one jar of organic peanut butter, not to be sullied by any licked knives.

Well, it sounds to me that Mario isn't licking the knife to begin with. Is that right? That's right. The peanut butter remains right before it goes into the peanut butter. Only the jelly is contaminated in this procedure. Is that correct, Mario? Correct. According to Mario. Can we trust

this man? Can I ask a question here? Sure. Anne, your problem with this whole business is just kind of one of principle. It's like you don't think knives should be licked, and you don't think that maybe it just kind of bothers you seeing a knife get licked.

I don't quite understand what the practical – Objection. Objection. The counselor is no longer urban. I'm tired of that. My problem is twofold. Fine, biatch. What are you...

Okay, sorry. On principle, knives just shouldn't be licked. It's kind of uncouth. And two, if someone else walked into the house and wanted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my husband would not say, I'm sorry, you can't have one because it's full of my germs. Has that ever happened? Is there precedent for that? Excuse say, I'm sorry, you can't have one because it's full of my germ. Has that ever happened?

Is there precedent for that? Excuse me, Mario? Yes, sir. How do you reply to that accusation? Well, I guess twofold. Do you ever have little children who visit your house? Who like what you eat? We have had little children.

Or juvenile adults? We have had people visit. But, I mean, I did have myself a... No, no, no. No, wait a minute. You did have people come and visit you. And they like to eat baby food like you do, right? For their children or adults who like to eat baby food, okay?

And they asked for... Did it happen in real life that they ask for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? Not to my recollection. Not yet. Okay, it hasn't happened yet. No. So this is just some fantasy scenario. May I ask you if it were to happen?

What would you say? I would fully disclose that I have stuck my germy knives into the jelly, and perhaps they would prefer a peanut butter and honey sandwich. Right. Your Honor. What you would say is, let me just make this perfectly clear. You would say to your adult guest, I would love to make you a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Yes. To fulfill your own infantile wishes. Yes. But I'm afraid I can't because I lick the knife before I use the jelly. But it's okay because this is my own private jelly. And since I only have my own private jelly here, I'm afraid I can't offer you, my guest, the simple blessing of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

Right? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Am I the only one who doesn't see the simple solution as just having a guest jelly? Baby, why you gotta play me like that? I think that's a reasonable, Counselor, I think you make a reasonable point, baby. Why you gotta play me like that? I think that's a reasonable, Counselor, I think you make a reasonable

point, Anne. Would you feel satisfied if a guest jelly, perhaps even a an upscale jelly, were provided and kept on hand? These things do not go bad, as you know. They can hang around forever.

And indeed, it may be an infinity of time before you have a guest who is as similarly infantile as your husband who might come over. So would that be reasonable? I would say that solves half of my dilemma. That does not address the uncouthness of knife licking in general. But I'm really good at licking the knife. I mean, I can lick like sharp knives without cutting myself. That's just wrong.

Yeah, I see. It's a skill. Let me ask you, you've entered another realm here of disgustingness. You say you're very good at licking very sharp knives. Normally you don't need a very sharp knife to spread peanut butter and jelly. So am I right in presuming that you are licking knives all the time now? In different knives, maybe chef's knives, maybe steak knives? It has come to pass that I have licked a sharp knife.

Under what circumstances have you been licking sharp knives? Probably while eating some form of meat that had a good glaze on it or something else that needed to be cleaned off before I went back for another piece. In a restaurant or in your own home? Oh. Or maybe in a... Can I consult my counsel? Maybe in an Eastern European murder house?

In a cannibal-type setting? Where monsters dine? I don't think I should answer that last part for fear I might incriminate myself. In restaurants, yes, but I will defer on answering about the murder house. on answering about the murder house. And I presume that you do not wish to admit that you are wrong and you do not wish to promise you will never do it again? Correct. I do not wish to stop licking knives.

I gain, well, pride from the fact that I can lick a sharp knife without cutting myself. Your Honor, I think we all agree that this is a sickening and barbaric practice. And I think that it was the Bible that first said, when a sheep is damaged, there must be shekels. Shekels for recompense of the sheep. Shekels for recompense of the sheep. In this case, the damaged sheep is the ability to eat jam without it being gross in the house. And Mario has at no point... Excuse me, Jordan.

Let Jesse make his closing argument, please. Mario has at no point asserted that no one would like to eat jam, only that no one has eaten jam. And truly, no one would eat jam, for it is sickening jam full of little pieces of peanut butter and Mario spit. And in conclusion, shekels from the Bible Thank you your honor Jordan would you like to make a closing argument I would thank you and I just think it's important to point out

That the so called Bible That my colleague was holding up During that rant was actually a Ranger Rick magazine And that my client does not own a Bible And two Does your client or does he not have a subscription to Ranger Rick Magazine in which he found the recipe for his favorite meal? Unimportant. Unfortunately, you have already rested, Jesse.

So, Jordan, go ahead. Thank you. I just want to say that the – I'm resting. Yeah, yeah. That the notion that a knife shouldn't be licked is a social construct that is – that should be deader than the dodo. That a knife is a piece of silverware like any like like it's like a fork it's like a spoon you put those in your mouth right it's made of the same material and

as long as he's not shoving this knife and knife in someone else's mouth afterwards there's nothing wrong with licking the knife it's simply a weird hang-up that old wife's a lot has and uh she needs to get over it it's 2009 barack obama is president and knives can be licked and i think if for some reason this fantasy scenario of people coming over to your house and just wanting a sandwich if if for some reason this crazy, unlikely scenario that there's no precedent for happens, the man should just buy a nice jar of guest jelly so you can sleep at night. And you know what? Just don't watch him lick the knife. The man obviously likes eating a sandwich the way he likes eating it. It's a simple pleasure that he has.

Just turn your head slightly if it grosses you out so much to see a knife get licked. But there's no practical reason that someone can't lick a knife. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be over here drinking this 40 with Billy Dee Williams. I guess Jordan rests. Yeah. Alright.

I shall now return to my chambers disrobe briefly and consider the arguments. I will return and render my chambers, disrobe briefly, and consider the arguments. I will return and render my verdict in a moment. That was my gavel. Excellent gavel. Thank you. Very good gaveling.

Somebody ring a bell or blow a whistle, because this court is adjourned for the moment. Not adjourned. What do you say? In session? This court is in recess. What's the Night Court theme song? Someone should hum the Night Court theme song. Anybody know the Night Court theme song?

It's Night Court. Night Court. Night Court. Everybody's going to court i think that's the end of the song I think that's how the song ends No you guys I think that's how it ends Yep

I have returned Hear ye hear ye My court is now in order Sit down and be quiet I'm going to render my verdict Never has a case been so clear-cut, in my experience, being the judge of justice on this radio program,

than this. My friend, this activity is simply unacceptable. For reasons of hygiene, and for reasons of the success of your marriage. You are an adult. Let me tell you a little story. A long time ago, when I was a teenager, a young teenager, my friend Damon Grass had a habit of going to the refrigerator,

taking out a jar of peanut butter, and eating from it with a spoon until it was gone. Even as a teenager, I was shocked. And I said to him, you must not do that. And he said, why? No one else is going to eat this peanut butter but me. I buy this peanut butter so that I may eat it with a spoon. His logic was impeccable, but it was still disgusting. Now, I think that the problem here is that licking a knife is childish. I think eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches,

as you can probably tell, I think is childish. And those two things are things that I think you should not do in order to become an adult. But the thing that you must not do, most of all, is to put the knife into the jelly, even if you're keeping it for yourself, because it is unhygienic. And someone may well go to that jelly, maybe a burglar, maybe a guest, someone you may not anticipate, may go and ask or take the jelly or ask, I may have some jelly. or take the jelly, or ask if I may have some jelly, and then you will be in the situation of explaining that because you are a child, you keep a private jelly jar for the sole purpose of putting your spit in it. I don't think that is an acceptable thing for adults in a civilized society to say to one another.

I agree that a private jelly jar would be an acceptable solution. However, you are choosing to gross out your wife in order to maintain a private childish ritual and in order to refuse that you are wrong about something, which is in itself childish. I say to you it is time to set aside childish things. It is time to, if you must make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, do it in a hygienic way that increases your wife's respect for you, lest this habit become a cancer on your very marital bed. For this is the grain

of sand in the oyster that will not produce a pearl but a dead and rotted oyster as friction acts upon it over the years. At the very least, get two knives. Use two knives. And you don't need an extra jelly you understand what i'm saying just two knives you have to lick one then throw it in the sink do that in private do you see what i'm saying

i understand judge i'm not saying i'm not saying you should flout my ruling my ruling is you should knock it off if you and think you should just say, I'm sorry, I didn't realize that grosses you out. I won't do it again. And build a habit in your life that is more adult and mature. But you know what? If you must, do it. Do it when she's out on vacation or whatever. Lick the knife, go ahead, but don't put it in the jelly.

Please, just don't do that. That's illegal as far as I'm concerned. Get another knife and in the jelly. Please, just don't do that. That's illegal as far as I'm concerned. Get another knife and do the jelly. But if you have to lick the... Then you have two knives to lick and you're happy. Do you see what I'm saying? And then she comes back from her vacation or her bachelorette party or whatever it

is, and no one's the wiser and everyone's happy. So that is my recommendation. You have my ruling, then you have my Sadovaci recommendation, and this case is closed. Court is my recommendation. You have my ruling. Then you have my Sadovaci recommendation. And this case is closed. Court is adjourned. Your Honor, I request a secondary ruling.

Court is adjourned. I request a secondary ruling on the issue of the hot tub that opposing counsel has installed. Oh, yeah, baby. I'm living large and in charge. It is okay for my courtroom to have a hot tub in it. Even with Sherman Helmsley in it? It is okay for us to have a hot tub in it, only if Jordan and Sherman Helmsley and all of us are in it at the same time. Let's get in. Let's do the magical finger snap that transports us into the hot tub. Great.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, This is how it works. I'm going to explain it to you because you're the kind of idiot man child that has forgotten it over the course of three or four weeks since the last time we did this. Where am I? $100. It's like a little donation, a little token of your appreciation for Jordan Jesse Go. We'll hit you back with a little sponsorship message on this very program. That's what one of our listeners has done to support his spectacular Tumblog. Are you familiar with Tumblogs at all? I am not.

It's on a Tumblr. Okay. So, I think that explains it pretty well. Yeah, that's fine. I feel filled in now. It's called Eye on Springfield. Here's what this internet website is. uh it's called eye on springfield here's what this uh internet website is it is an internet website on the internet it is just pictures of things

from the simpsons seasons one through nine only uh yes specifically they define it as seasons one through nine when it was still funny yes now i would, having watched through 16 at this point on my internet computer, there is a lot of funny things in other seasons. But once you're nine... That's when you can bank on hilarity. Yeah, exactly. There's not a lot of missteps. No. Springfield, no mercury dumping without permit. You might see a sign that says Springfield Christian School. We put the fun in fundamentalist dogma. Now, I definitely have spent a lot of my social time over the years remembering things from The Simpsons. Right, certainly. And this is a great way to do it when there's not friends around. Yeah. Or maybe friends who don't have an encyclopedic knowledge of early episodes of The Simpsons.

Or let's say you're a big podcast listener. You don't have any friends. Sure. And you want to spend some time with something that's like having friends. Remembering episodes of The Simpsons. This is great. I'm behind this 100%. It's ionspringfield.tumblr.com. Now, I should clarify, Tumblr is a Web 2.0 company because it's missing some of the T-U-M-B-L-R.

Tumblr. Tumblr. Tumblr. ionspringfield.tumblr.com. Our sponsor for this week is Jordan Jesse Go. If you want to sponsor a Jordan Jesse Go in the future,, you can email me, jesse at maximumfund.org. You know, that's how we buy our bacon. Yep.

Right? Mostly bacon. Yeah, I mean, we both love bacon. We have very bacon-intensive diets. We also, both of our investment savings are tied up in pork bellies, which is just a fancy way of saying bacon. Sure. Anyway, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Go.

Jordan and Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Oh, Jordan. Yes. Oh. Ah. Why are you making all these sex noises?

They're not sex noises. They're satisfaction. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. They're comfort They're not sex noises. They're satisfaction. Oh, okay. Comfort noises. I'm sorry. They're comfort and satisfaction noises. It's like the kind of noise you get if you're like a spoiled yuppie character in a late 1980s movie and you just slipped into a mud bath. Okay. At a too fancy resort spa.

But look out. Someone's replaced the mud with shit. But no one has replaced this mud with shit, my friend. No. This is pure, delicious mud. Yeah. We've got telephone calls here, Jordan. You know, one of my favorite certainly probably my favorite uh

recurring segment on the let me put it this way jordan okay people love us some of our recurring segments sure uh everything from would you rather to uh jesse thorn with an e british sports reporter uh to hang it up. Keep it up. Trader Joe's Reviews. All examples of popular segments. There's one recurring segment on the program that is certainly more beloved than any other. Hi, guys. You want to talk about recurring segments?

How about a little bit of Jordan was wrong? As a fashion student, I'm very familiar with various types of materials and fabrics, and a bit of gingham is not something you would have after dinner. It's something you would wear, maybe as a dress, or possibly drape over a table. Sorry, Jordan. Bye. Jordan, I don't remember you saying this at all. Hold on. Let's look up gingham.

I think I remember it being referenced to me referencing it as foodstuffs. You think that gingham is a foodstuff? Yeah. Isn't it like an old-time candy? It's a type of print. What am I thinking of? It's a print. It's like if you went to the barbecue restaurant at Disneyland.

Yeah. You know the red and white check tablecloths? That's a gingham. It's a gingham. I'm going to look up gingham here. See? Look at this. There's no candy, huh? I just Googled gingham. I'm getting a lot of tablecloths and no candies.

Looks like Jordan was wrong. Really? Is there no explanation for this? I feel confident about that. Jordan, gingham is a fabric made from dyed cotton yarn. Huh. The name is Indonesian in origin, assimilated into Dutch. When originally imported in the 17th century, it was a striped fabric.

But from the mid-18th century, when it was produced in the mills of Manchester, England, it had become woven into checked or plaid patterns, often blue and white. Huh. I don't know what I'm thinking of, then. Well, neither do I, Jordan. Oh, gummy bears. But I do know this. What?

You were wrong. Well, fair enough. You know, Jordan, in our lives... I have had some shit-eating fashion student call. I wasn't saying the eat shit, but I hear the shit-eating grin on her face. Well, that's the whole premise. Lording her fashion education over me. Perhaps you're misunderstanding the premise of Jordan was wrong.

Yeah. The premise is someone calls in with a shit-eating grin to rub it in your face. Momentous occasions. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse. I just called in with a momentous occasion. I turned 16 three weeks ago, and I'm currently being pulled over by a cop for going 19 over the speed limit.

So one more and it would have been a felony, but I think okay. And I'm calling you from the road. The cop's going, I got to go. Bye. Nice. Yes. Good. You know, my teenage brother came to visit me this week.

Got to spend a lot of time thinking about teens, teenagers. Sure. Different hobbies, interests, etc. Love those teens. Oh, yeah. They're a never-ending delight. Because they're like grown-ups, but they get things wrong a lot. Yeah.

That's what they're like. A lot of crazy ideas. I liked how he was, apparently, this character was keeping track of the exact number of miles per hour he was going over the speed limit and was aware that he was specifically 19 over the speed. It's not like he just was like, oh, gosh, my mind drifted and I started going too fast. He's like, 17 over the speed limit, 18 over the speed limit. And then he probably got a second ticket for talking on his cell phone while he was supposed to be pulling over. Yeah, let's hope so. Let's hope this policeman made an example of this young man.

Hey, Jordan and Jesse. It's Sarah from Boston. I was calling with a momentous occasion. The boy that I've liked for probably the past three years and I just kissed for the first time. And it kind of sucked. So, yeah, just wanted to let you know. Okay, bye. Interesting.

She should try intercourse. It's way better. Feels really good. Better than kissing. You know what they say, bad kisser, good intercourse. I think that's from Sex and the City, right? Yeah. Bad kisser, good intercourse?

The slutty one said that. She did. Yeah, sure. Jordan, Jesse. This is Brian back in business lane here. We were just bringing in the new year here in New York City and the restaurant I'm at decided to play

Goodbye Horses by Q Lazarus. A good song you might remember from when James Gumm tucked his cock between his legs and danced in Silence of the Lambs. So, I don't know what that augers, but hopefully something good.

Hopefully something that involves putting your cock between your legs. I hope it augers back in business Brian Lane using the word augers more. That's what I hope it augers. I don't know the song. I've never seen Silence of the Lambs. Neither have I, but I just played it

because it was Brian and he was talking about tucking a cock between his legs. It seemed worth playing to me. No, it's fine. Nothing against it. I trust the guy. I trust him. I can't conjure the song right now. Jordan, I like you.

I trust his judgment. I say no. If Brian's going to call in, he says something about cock between the legs. It's worth playing. It's worth playing. We just see what happens. Sure.

You know? Just put it out there and see what comes back in. You know what I mean? It's the internet. That's what this is all about. User-created content. Brian-created content. Action item.

Tuck your cock between your legs and see what happens. Sure. You know what I mean? Maybe nothing, probably something. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, go.

This is Tommy from Indianapolis and I have a momentous occasion for you. It's real icy right now, and I'm on my way home from work, and traffic is stopped and has been stopped for about an hour, and so I had to resort to peeing in an empty tennis can ball and dumping it out my car window. Not my car window. I opened the door. It would be gross to have pee all over the side of my car. But I thought you guys might want to hear about that.

Enjoy the show. Thanks. Thank you. I will enjoy the show. Went down my baby brother Johnny. He's now a teen. Sure. Current teen.

We got stuck in a traffic jam on the Grapevine. It was a big traffic accident. There were big mountains between Los Angeles and the rest of things north of Los Angeles. And he had to go and poop in the snow. I just think that's really cool, you know? Yeah. He was like five, you know? Sure.

So it was totally fine for him to... He loves it. It was great. No shame regarding poop? No, he had some five you know so sure it was totally fine for him to he loves it it was great yeah no shame regarding poop no he had some shame i mean it was okay the good part about it was he knew he it wasn't because he was young enough for that to be high and totally forgivable but old enough for it to be totally inappropriate you You know what I mean? Like, it was terrible that he had to poop in the snow. Yeah, exactly. Jordan, there are some great heroes on this program, but I would argue that there are no greater heroes

than Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. And just a really beautiful story about Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. And just a really beautiful story about Kubiak. Hey, Jesse, Jordan, go. This is Jeff from Long Island City, Queens. Been listening to your show for quite a while now. And by quite a while, I mean the last couple of weeks. I was actually turned on to the show by a button-mashing, soul-caliber,

playing wife of NPR's Ira Glass. And I've been wanting to call, you know, on one of your action items, but I can't really find one that fits. But I'm going to call you and tell you this anyway. over the past, you know, two years of episodes that, Jesse, you've brought up Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. I think that's the name of the show. I grew up in Indianapolis and there was a period for about six months in eighth grade where I actually played Dungeons and Dragons with Kubiak, if that's his name. His real name is Abraham Ben-Ruby, which I'm sure you know. But he was a nice guy. Big guy.

Big, beefy fella. Two years older than I was. And at one point actually picked me up by my neck, pretending to be Darth Vader. All in good fun. There you go. Great. If you're a giant nerd, that's the thing to do, right? Absolutely. He demonstrated how vitally important he is to American culture

by performing that move. It was an illustration of what a special, magical man he is. Darth Vader? No, no, Kubiak. This is before he was Kubiak, though. This is probably when he was 15 or 16. What I'm saying is this is just a perfect little moment. Oh, okay, sure.

You know what I mean? And our caller suggested that his real name was Abraham Ben-Ruby. That's certainly the name he uses as an actor, but I would question whether it's his real name. I mean, I guess it sort of depends on your definition of real. Yeah. But I think that he truly defined himself to the world as Kubiak from Parker Lewis Can't Lose. Sure. Synchronizing swatches and so forth. And I'm sure that on the set of the popular hit program ER, on which he is one of the stars. They would never say, Abraham Ben-Ruby, you're missing your light. They'd say, Kubiak, you're missing your light. You need to hit your mark.

You know what I mean? That's his real name. Yeah, that makes sense. That second sentence made sense. That first sentence was just gobbledygook. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, one more amazing occurrence. Hi, Jordan and Jesse. This is Dane from Columbus, Ohio. I love the show.

Hey, I was told a story over the holidays and thought it bared repeating because it's pretty awesome. So my cousin's nephew, he's just a little five-year-old, and his parents took him to the Cincinnati Aquarium over the holidays, which ironically is in Kentucky. But regardless, they went to the aquarium. They went to see all the exhibits. There's a petting area and, you know, the gift shop and whatnot. So they're on the way home, and their little five-year-old son is being eerily quiet on the way home,

and they're getting worried, thinking, oh, my God, did some sicko touch our son, or what happened? They're thinking the worst. So the moment they get home, kid runs upstairs, goes into the bathroom. They hear the tub turn on. He had turned on the water for the tub, and they finally have to kind of break into the bathroom, and lo and behold, he stole a baby penguin from the aquarium, had put it down his pant leg, and gotten it home without his parents noticing.

And they called the aquarium and, you know, asked them, how did our son get the penguin home? And they said, well, probably penguins like warm and dark places, and when your kid stuck our fucking penguin down his pants, he fell asleep. And, you know, they kind of implied that they were bad parents because they allowed their son to steal a penguin from an aquarium. But, you know, I think the kid's pretty awesome. That's my story. Obviously the kid is fucking awesome.

Wow. This is an amazing kid. Wow. These people are spectacular parents. What Nobel Prize would he win for this? The Nobel Prize for penguin napping. Jesus. For childhood.

And then. For preschool penguin napping. And then like wanting to secretly hide it in the tub. He thought that if he closed it, he could just keep it in the tub and the parents wouldn't notice i'd love to hear the to hear the the long-term plan this kid had for for keeping the penguin in the house what was he gonna feed it fish sticks fish sticks i think fish sticks what do you think crayons yeah crayons oh god what an amazing child that is amazing oh it's beautiful now jordan i want to address something that came up recently on the program. We had a pranks action item.

Someone called in with an action item about letting loose some pigs in their school. Yeah. Turns out this is a popular urban legend. Wasn't it Paul... Did Paul Scheer bring up that this actually got done? No, I think someone called in to say that their friend of theirs did it. Okay.

I am so outraged. I'm so incensed, sickened, that someone would call in and try and bullshit us over one of our action items. What kind of pathetic, sick little life do you have where you're spreading these bullshit rumors, trying to pass them off just for your little moment of fame? Well, here's your little moment of fame, asshole. Suck my balls, because you are bullshit, horseshit crap. Wow. Is that... I mean, isn't it possible that it was an urban legend, but then someone actually did it?

You know what? Fuck you, Jordan. I'm just saying. No, seriously, Jordan. don't try and bullshit me truth is the essential foundation of any podcast yeah if bullshit is going on in the context of a podcast i'm saying i just want to give the listener the benefit of the bullshit yeah the benefit of the bullshit. Yeah. The benefit of the bullshit. That's what you're giving them, you fucking asshole. There's only one thing that can cleanse my palate now, Jordan. William Van Landingham.

That's right. Early 1990s San Francisco Giants pitcher, William Van Landingham. Best known for having the longest last name in Major League Baseball history. A last name so long that they actually had to abbreviate it to fit it on his jersey. Starting right-handed, starting pitcher for the San Francisco Giants, showed a flash of promise before falling apart, Mr. William Van Landingham. I feel

a lot better now. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan Jesse Gell. Jordan, Jesse Goehm, Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. We knocked it out of the ballpark today, Jordan. Yeah. Jordan, if people don't start telling their friends about the show when we do shows this good, then what the fuck are we even doing here?

What is the fucking point of us even doing this show if we're going to do something this amazing and people aren't insisting that their friends listen to it i don't know if people aren't burning this on cds and sharing it with people you know what i mean sure it's terrifies me the prospect terrifies me yeah i mean why why why do anything why get up in the morning why bathe exactly i've stopped bathing well i have stopped bathing because i heard that some people when we do a show as amazing as this one and this was an amazing show sure jordan you have never had a cavity where where else are you going to hear from a man who's never had a cavity i'm an anomaly i'm a scientific anomaly you think regis philbin has never had a cavity here he is hosting million dollar password tons you think uh you think diane sawyer's never had a cavity no i think hugh downs never had a cavity he he used to host

2020 man drinks milkshakes for breakfast this is a sick world we live in jordan people calling into bullshit i just when sometimes when when shit gets really crazy there's only one thing that keeps me together that's that's ken oberkfell sure if i just focus on ken oberkfell he's a guy with a mustache used to play for the giants okay there's another baseball thing if i focus on baseball thing number two for the show you realize if i focus on ken oberkfell hey jordan why don't you uh why don't you focus on uh herzog's vie you think about herzog's vie you know here's why i'm not genesis game i'll think about it but i'm not gonna make everybody listen about it you already did you already brought it up yeah you brought it up no you I

heard you say you were just talking about it just now Hertzogs 5 was you talk Sega Genesis that was you talking about a baseball player from the 80s look Jordan as long as people are telling their friends about Jordan Jesse go and everything it's not a problem for me you know you're right as long as people are really enjoying the show really participating calling in when there's momentous occasions, discussing it on the forum, for God's sake. Look, Craxworth discusses it on the forum?

What the fuck is people's problem? They're not Craxworth. They can't discuss it on the forum. WadeWord finds the time. Exactly. Look, Weird Al Lover even changed his name to Mafu John. You know? Yeah, come on.

That's the kind of commitment people have to this. I don't know. I'm just a mess. Are you saying that those people lead empty lives and have nothing better to do than comment on our podcast? No. They lead rich, interesting lives. That are seasoned by commenting and participating and telling a friend. And guess what?

If they're from San Francisco, you know what they're going to do? Come to our show? Yeah, the Monsters of Podcasting at SF Sketch Fest on January 25th. That's what people do, Jordan. It is. People who are engaged. The kind of people who join the Peace Corps. People who give a fuck about their fellow man.

When they're walking along the beach, they pick up a piece of trash if they see it. Exactly. They cut up their six-pack things so birdies don't get stuck in them. Or dolphins don't eat them, or whatever it is that happens. All sorts of shit can happen with those. Dolphin gets stuck on a dolphin's

tail, probably. A shark could eat it. It's right there in the shark with the tin cans. Shark eats tin cans, you know Mm-hmm. A shark could eat it. It's right there in the shark with the tin cans. Shark eats tin cans, you know? Oh, yeah. A shark could eat a whole engine block of a car, probably. Man, that'd be great. It'd be amazing.

The different steps... I mean, I guess at the end of the day, it just boils down to this, you know? Jaws is a great movie. Richard Dreyfuss is amazing in it. It's very suspenseful. They didn't need amazing special effects, and it created the blockbuster. Anyway, no special action items this week. But, you know, we'll see everybody on the forums the next week, right?

Yep. It was great. Great show. Thanks for listening. Later, gang.