Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Fruit Positive, with Courtney James Clark

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

On this week’s episode, we welcome actor, Courtney James Clark (Jurassic World), to chat about dinosaur teeth, entry-level ballet, unconventional gardening tips, and more!Check out more of Courtney!This week's sponsors are Wildgrain:Are you ready to bring all your favorite carbs right to your doorstep? For a limited time, Wildgrain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box - PLUS free Croissants in every box - when you go to Wildgrain.com/JJGO to start your subscription. That’s Wildgrain.com/JJGO, or you can use promo code JJGO at checkoutBe sure to get our new 'Ack Tuah' shirt in the Max Fun store.Or, grab an 'Ack Tuah' mug!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Check out Jesse’s thrifted clothing store, Put This On.Go see Free With Ads and Judge John Hodgman LIVE at SF Sketchfest!Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where! Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.Listen to See Jurassic Right!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Well it's autumn, Jordan. You know what that means.

I'm at my house eating slop. Oh, okay. Slop? Is this an acronym? Is that like snakes, lentils, oranges and pine cones? You know, on every Boy Scout trip would get a little baggie of slop. Yeah. Snakes, lentils, oranges and pine cones.

Yeah, exactly. No, I just, you know, I mean, I don't know if you know this about me, but you know how everybody has these like automatic pressure cookers? You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, by everybody you mean like food guys, food guys. Yeah, but I mean like from five years ago. You know what I mean? Like remember when AOC was like doing snapchats of

her cooking with one of these things and that kind of thing? Okay, yeah, yeah. I'll go with you on this. I kind of sort of know what you're talking about. Anyway, I don't have one of those. I just got a fucking crock pot. Okay. I love that shit. Oh, what are you slopping these days in the crock? Man, I made a... Braises? Stews? Yeah, exactly! You hit it! You hit the nail on the head! I made a lentil soup. Okay. With a little bit of stewed beef in there for extra flavor. Sure.

And all the mushrooms I had left over. Uh-huh. And I made a... Sounds hearty. And I made a split pea soup. I made a delicious split pea soup. That sounds great. That had ham and bacon. Sounds like a split pea soup. I made a delicious split pea soup. That sounds great. That had ham and bacon.

Sounds like a classic fall dish. Jordan. Warms you from the inside, right? Anything you can dump into a thing and then come back eight hours later. That's what I'm eating all fall. Sure. I mean, you've seen my famous half shirt dump them out.

Yeah, sure. But hey, I'm also about dumping it in if we're talking about ingredients into a crock pot. Yeah, exactly. But hey, I'm also about dumping it in if we're talking about ingredients into a crockpot. Yeah, exactly. Crockpots are great. They're awesome. I love a crockpot. I've been scolded for my enthusiasm for crockpots.

Ooh, problematic? Yeah. They've said some really weird stuff about Jewish people. Jim Croc, the inventor of the crockpot. Oh, no. Some weird opinions. They are, they take up a lot of room. That's true.

And they are for people who don't cook, or like 70s Midwestern moms. OK. And I do cook. I'm not like a great chef, but I do cook at home. And I think they're also very popular because you can put them on the passenger seat of your big rig and like cook your dinner while you drive. By you, you mean me? I can do that? You can do that with your big rig.

Me? Yeah. With your big rig, Jordan. Uh-huh. And so obviously that is not the... Well, that gets points for ingenuity. Sure. Maybe not points for gourmet. But you know what? I don't care.

I love to dump it in there. Sure, yeah. I'm a fan too. I'm right there with you. I also just love slops. Like at the center of this is my passion for braises and stews. What about a base? What are you slopping it over? Rice, noodles? No, I don't even need anything.

Just give me a big spoon. Really? I'm slurping it down. I mean, I will occasionally make like a beef bourguignon or something like that in there. Or like what's the one with the mushroom cream sauce? I like that one. Okay. Anyway, I'll slap that on some egg noodles.

But you know, you don't need the noodles. They're not good for you. Might as well just skip them and just focus on the meat and fat. Yes, pure slop. Get the slop into the bloodstream quicker. Anyway, it's slop season. Slop season. That's snakes. Snakes, lentils, oranges, and pine cones.

Yes. Slop. Never forget. Otherwise, you won't survive your next. Should we introduce our guest? Maybe she's got a position on slops. Maybe she has a favorite slop. I'm curious.

Maybe she remembers got a position on slops. Maybe she has a favorite slop. I'm curious. Maybe she remembers what that cubed beef with mushroom cream sauce is called. Or what about goulash? You like goulash? I do like goulash. Our guest on the program is an actor and improviser, as well as, we learned on our way into the studio, a trained classical dancer, Courtney James Clark.

Hi, Courtney. How are you? I am doing great. How about you? Do you got a favorite slop, Courtney? Well, you know, I grew up in Louisiana, so we don't refer to it as slop, because I will be murdered if I do so. But gumbo, that's such a fall thing for us, like gumbo. But that takes like a lot of time, a lot of effort.

You gotta make the roux, it's not done in a crock pot. Gail Morris takes a lot of pride in her gumbo, but that takes like a lot of time, a lot of effort. You got to make the roux. It's not done in a crock pot. Gail Morris takes a lot of pride in her gumbo. Gail Morris, of course, my mom. Makes a great gumbo, but yeah, it is something I have tried at home and not been able to get. And because yeah, I think my limit is the dumping into the crock pot. And then, but so the like tending to something is when I fail. Yeah, you can't let that root burn.

You cannot. You know, and have you ever had it with potato salad? No. You put potato salad, it sounds absolutely disgusting, but it's so good. You make a gumbo. Like over potato salad instead of, okay. No, it's on the side.

So you have your gumbo, and then you have your potato salad, and then you take a thing of potato salad, a little scoop, and then you dip it in your gumbo, and then you eat it like that, and it's- That sounds disgusting. I want it now. Right? Give it to me, Steven, get it!

Go get that, Steven! When I was last in Louisiana, it was for my best friend's wedding. He moved to New Orleans a few years ago. And there was a crawfish boil. And what I learned from that crawfish boil is I don't know how to get crawfish out of crawfish. And it seems like way too much work. And you gotta suck the heads. You gotta suck the heads, and you might get a little shit on your fingers.

You might, while you're peeling, realize you hit the shit vein and you have shit on your fingers. Here's what I do during those. You just eat the corn. You just pick out the little corns. Have yourself some corns. I know, the crawfish boil, very high fun factor,

but very low I'm getting food into my mouth factor. There used to be my wife's grandparents used to have a Christmas party for everyone in all of their children, all their children's children, which because it was a big Catholic family, was like 60 people. And we'd go to their house on Christmas Eve for this big giant party event. And kids would be eating spaghetti. And the grownups would be eating

Dungeness crab. They'd go to Fisherman's Wharf to buy crab, which I've been to Fisherman's Wharf twice in my life as a native San Franciscan, but you go there, apparently you can still buy crabs there. And they just come home with like a Santa sack full of crabs. And you got some spaghetti? And well, here's the thing. It's another situation where I actually like crab, which is more than I can say of crawfish, which I'm at best fine with. Like I actually like eating it,

but I do not want to do the work. It is too much work. It is a lot of work. Give me a tiny fork and I have to tiny fork everything out there. You might have to deal with an eye stalk. I don't want that. Look, I go full barbarian when it comes to crabs

because I'm not very good at getting all that meat out. So I just sit there like cracking in my teeth and like start feeling the shell off. I go full... You just gotta nom the exoskeleton. Yes, that's what I do. That's what they say in New Orleans. You gotta nom the exoskeleton.

My mom is very passionate about a soft shell crab. My mom grew up in the mid Atlantic region. She's from Washington, D.C. So she and her friend would take the train to Baltimore and eat soft shell crab. Soft shell crab, you fry whole, and then you eat the shell? Yes, because they're in the middle of shedding their shells.

It's a big thing in Louisiana as well. So they're very soft. And so you just eat the whole shebang. Can I tell you something? I was just talking to my therapist about this, but I'm in the middle of shedding my shell and I'm feeling very soft. Sure. Steven has ready some boiling oil.

We will be lowering you in. And we will be serving you with a nice aioli. You were booked on our show by our great producer, Stephen Ray Morris, who I guess met you because of his insane fandom for Jurassic Park. Am I getting that right? Yes. Okay. You have a very memorable role in Jurassic World.

Do you have Jurassic Park weirdos like Steven coming up to you constantly? Not that Steven's a weirdo, but no, I'm the weirdest. No, but he is. I do have a lot of dinosaur items that I've acquired over the years now. I have some dinosaur teeth, lots of t-shirts. Are people sending you the teeth? Yes, I was sent the teeth

And I said why not keep it? Who might have turned out a free bag of teeth I'm assuming they were in a bag. Uh, yeah, they were they were So I just keep them in a cute little canister and put it with all my other dinosaur memorabilia. But yeah, the Jurassic Park, Jurassic World fandom is a very passionate fandom and they're wonderful and they're great and they teach me so much about dinosaurs too. Okay, yeah. We should say you are, in Jurassic World, you are like leading the show when the mosasaurus,

the giant kind of water shark dinosaur jumps up and eats a shark. Yes. In all the trailers, I think I've seen people associate with that movie. Did you ever do any kind of like theme park work? Did you ever, had you ever led a theme park show before? I had never, but I had seen like when I was little, like a SeaWorld show and just how

bored a lot of them seem. Like they do this a thousand times a day and none of this feels spectacular to them. And so that's what I wanted to bring to that of like the comedy and like this epic thing happening, but like this is so a part of our world in that movie. We're so used to seeing dinosaurs that it's like whatever, you know, just like, all right guys, you know, get your phones out, here he comes. You know, I'm just waiting to clock out. Sure. I feel like Jordan, am I wrong in thinking that it is a big thing to get the job of universal studios tour person or jungle cruise tour person? Yeah, I have known a couple of Universal Tram guides. Scott Gardner, who's been on the show a couple of times, maybe unsurprisingly, was a Universal

Tram. The brand is strong. The brand is strong. Yeah, Scott Gardner hosts a podcast, The Ride. And then a guy I went to high school with, Joey Hurley, was a Jungle Cruise guide. And it was like his dream. It was like his total dream. You have to like work your way up, right?

Yeah. You can't just like go in and audition. You got to have your way up, right? You can't just go in and audition. You gotta have work there for seven years before you can... Yeah. I don't know what the lowest theme park job is or what the most entry-level thing is. I guess like getting fed to the Megalodon or whatever. Bathroom cleaning. Yes, in the world of Jurassic Park, yes.

You have to lure the raptors out. Raptor base. Doorknob installation. But yeah, I think it's something they like dangle over your head. I think you do have to do clean the bathrooms, sell the churros, and then you can go to the big show, which is Jungle Cruise tour guide or Universal Studios tour guide. Did you ever aspire to work at Disney? I mean, you grew up in Disneyland's backyard.

It must have been what half the teens you knew did for their jobs. Yeah, I don't know why I didn't. I didn't, but I'm surprised. I couldn't tell you why that wasn't my dream, because, yeah, I think there's a world where, like, I'm, you know, like, I'm trying to think, like, what? Like, oh, I think there's a world where, like, I went in a different direction,

and I am on, like, year, I think there's a world where like, I went in a different direction and I am on like year 20 of playing the genie in the Aladdin show. And I'm like the guy they associate with it, and I have an Instagram, you know? There is a like famous guy at Universal Studios who plays the Deacon in the Waterworld stunt show. And he like pioneered the role and he's still like, the guy they got to play the Deacon is still playing the Deacon in the Waterworld stunt show. And he like pioneered the role and he's still like the guy they got to play the Deacon is still playing

the Deacon in the Waterworld stunt show, which is still a show. You can just see that tomorrow, a show based on Waterworld. Go see this Waterworld show. They didn't change it at some point to Pirates of the Caribbean or whatever. Sure, yeah.

Well, that's Disney. Oh, okay, sorry. Yeah, I'd like to see them try and change that to Pirates of the Caribbean. Yeah, I'd love to see Johnny Depp drink his own piss. That was in Waterworld. That was in Waterworld, yes. There's piss drinking in Waterworld. I saw the movie Waterworld in the theater with my dad.

Oh, yeah, sure, sure. I don't remember anything about it except thinking it wasn't that bad. There was a butt in it that I was interested in. It's a butt that has been, it's seared in my memory. It was the time when I was anxious to see a butt and it was in there. I was at the thrift store with our friend Elliot Kalin. We just did a live show at Revenge of Comics and Pinball here in Los Angeles.

And there's a thrift store across the street. So I went across the street with our friend Elliot Kalin, who was a guest on that show. I was looking at the VHS tapes. I have a cabin with a TV VCR where sometimes I watch VHS tapes. But I generally have a rule that I don't spend more than $1 on them. These were $2 VHS tapes. But I generally have a rule that I don't spend more than a dollar on them. These were $2 VHS tapes. So I didn't go home with any, but I did see the VHS of Entrapment

and like broke out in a cold sweat, never having seen the movie Entrapment, simply thinking about the television commercials for Entrapment featuring Kath Rosetta Jones going through laser beams. I want I too that was a prominent commercial for me and a prominent image for me and I watched Entrapment a couple of years ago having that sense it's like oh I know this movie but I've never seen it you know like but it has a place in my mind. Sean Connery is Sean Connery yeah I think that maybe they were married for a while and that's where they met I don't know anyway That Sean Connery and Catherine Zetta Jones. Am I right? No, she's always she's always been married to Michael Douglas

Another charming old man Charming elderly man And the the the shot that you see in the commercial is basically all that's in the movie. It is not part of a longer laser contortion scene. I am sorry to report the rest of it is just a kid going to the zoo. Yeah, sure. It's a really stirring family drama. Courtney, did you ever have an entry-level show business job of that kind? Our friend Maria Bamford was the world's greatest stand-up comedian. She spent a year touring the nation as a Star Trek guy, like a Star Trek alien doing shows in malls. Star Trek shows in malls. Gosh, no, I can't think of one.

I mean, I just grew up touring with a ballet company, but I was like a kid. What's the entry-level ballet? What's the starter ballet? I would say, OK, if we're talking Nutcracker, which is quintessential holiday Christmas time themed ballet, the Nutcracker, you usually- Heard of it.

You usually start off like a mouse. Okay. Okay, you're a mouse. And eventually you'd like to become a mouse. Okay. Okay, you're a mouse, and eventually you'd like to become a soldier. And maybe after that, maybe you could be a bon-bon. That's for a little bit older. And then the ultimate role, Rat King. I mean, yeah, that would be pretty sick.

That would be fucking sick to be the Rat King. We all wanna dance like a Rat King. Sure. That's why we get into the ballet. Were you a bonbon? Did you make it to bonbon? I did, and it was honestly... Congratulations.

Thank you. It was truly the most fun, because you get to wear cloud makeup, and you come out of this big, huge skirt of this woman, you come out of her dress. Cool. It's a wild ballet. It's very trippy, that whole ballet, if you really think about it. It's a wild ballet. It's very trippy, that whole ballet, if you really think about it. It's very trippy ballet.

How long did you ballet dance? At what point did you cut bait on ballet dancing? Well, I still do it once a week. So I still take classes. But I would say I did consistently, 20 years. So yeah, even in college I was doing ballet and then I stopped for a little bit and now I'm back in it just because I love it and miss it so much. I feel like it has a reputation even relative to other forms of dance of like physically destroying. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, you got to know how to land safely. I'm not out here trying to like be a prima. I'm not out here trying to be the Rat King. You know what I'm saying? Hey, I already got that game on lock. Sure. You got the curly tail and everything. Yep. Don't take my cheese. That's the story of the Nutcracker, if you haven't seen it. Right.

Somebody takes his cheese. Somebody takes his cheese, and then all hell breaks loose. I've seen the Nutcracker. We win it. It's the basis for the Baku movie. Sure. My cheese. We went on Christmas.

We saw it. Courtney, I feel like what I remember is I went to arts high school. And the things that I remember about the dancers is just they were constantly doing weird stretches. And I'm not talking about like while preparing to dance or dancing, I'm talking about during English class. Yes.

And then also somehow they were always smoking. Oh, I don't smoke. Oh, I don't smoke. No, I don't smoke. But that is true. But you know what I'm talking about. Oh, 100%. Just at 1 o'clock in the afternoon, they're just sort of in the yard going, pointing their leg different directions, smoking cigarettes at the same time.

And we're audio only here. Jesse was actually doing some kicks. Yeah, well, I wanted everybody to get the feel. Right, and I think they did. And I think they did. You know, sometimes still, if I'm out on a dance floor, just like dancing at a place for fun, sometimes I'll throw in some moves

that are actually a stretch, because it feels good. And I'll pretend like I'm dancing, but I'm really like stretching my back. In the club, we're all fam, and we're all stretching. Yeah, yeah, it feels good. Yeah. And I'll pretend like I'm dancing, but I'm really like stretching my back. In the club, we're all fam and we're all stretching. Yeah, yeah. It feels good. Yeah.

Nothing like a good stretch. Couldn't agree more. I couldn't agree more. I Googled your name earlier today in preparation for the show. And the first thing that came up in my Google was a video of you line dancing. Oh, don't get me started on line dancing. I believe we shall get you started on that. Sorry, you have to get started.

I, that's where, that's, oh yeah, I love a line dance. Okay, here's the deal. This is why I love line dancing so much, is because anybody can do it. You don't have to like know what you're doing, but once you catch on, ooh, that high. That high feels so good. It feels like you just won something. Are there places in LA to line dance? Oh yeah, don't you worry.

They got a couple ones. They got one in Hollywood. They have one in Koreatown. I think they have some like outside of LA a little bit in Santa Clarita. There's lots of places to get your boots scooting on, you know? Okay. Do you have, do you, do you have, do you go, can you just go as a solo person to a line dance place and jump in line? 100%.

Oh my God. 100%. It's, it's very, it's not frowned upon. No. The community welcomes you with open arms. You know, everybody wants to see you succeed when you're line dancing. Nobody wants to, everybody wants you out there. Is there a tutorial? Do you go on YouTube?

Yeah, you check out some toots? Yeah. You can, yeah. Boot scoot toots? You can get a little boot scoot toots on. But also a lot of these places, they'll teach you a line dance and then they'll kind of like, all right, let's try it for real. So you'll get a little tutorial from a professional out on that dance floor. I'm going to be honest with you.

I feel like everyone did line dancing in gym class or something. PE, I do not really understand what's going on. I did not do that. Just did that. I did, we did a little bit of the parachute thing. Oh, the parachute thing? Mostly duck, duck, goose. Where you throw the...

You talking about skydiving? A little PE skydiving. But. A little, pee skydiving. Yeah, but that wasn't until like fifth grade. Sure, yeah, yeah. You have to run the mile. You have to skydive. Is there a partner element to it, or is it everybody's doing the same thing at the same time?

Everybody's doing the same thing at the same time. And then, when you're really feeling yourself, you can add a little flair to it. You can do a little spin. You can maybe like add a little hip to it, you know? Is there a collar? Is someone telling you what to do? No, once you catch on,

because it's repetitive movement. So you're doing it to the right. Now you're doing it to the left. Now you're doing it to the front, to the back. Now you lost me. I couldn't possibly do this. You're like making almost like you're turning 360 degrees with the way you're dancing.

And once you catch on, you feel it. It just hits you in your bones. I feel like I would accidentally do the hustle. You know what? And people would probably say, OK, there he goes. He's putting his flair on it. Wrong dance, but yeah. I have the like only like organized dancing

I've done in my life is like at the, that weird year and a half where everyone was swing dancing. 1997, 1998, and I definitely remember when you would go to a thing with swing dancing, there would be like that little class beforehand that I think you're talking about. And it was just like, and you know, it was just like an older person in a, you know,

party shirt, it was just this old guy. And there was just this look on his face, like, there are teenagers here? I'm cool? And like, and like that guy had a like summer there are teenagers here? I'm cool? And that guy had a summer where he got to teach me and a bunch of other dorks to swing dance. And for the past 20 years, 30 years since then,

he's just been waiting for the Foxtrot to come back. Sure, yeah. Any day now, right? Did he put on a, what was it, Brian Setzer Orchestra or Cherry Poppin' Daddies? Sure, yes. Do you remember those? Uh-huh, uh-huh. Yeah. I think I've seen both of those acts live in 1997, 1998.

Then they'd say, everybody, rumba! Sure. Those were the days. Just teens doing the rumba. Yeah. Oh boy. It seems like stuff's coming, you know, like how like it feels like new metal kind of wants to come back a little bit.

Yeah. Can we do swing dancing instead? Yeah, swing dancing was fine. Yeah, it was fun. Got no problem with that. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah.

Swing dancing was a good time. I did swing dancing in a movie one time. Oh, really? Yeah. Which movie one time. Oh really? Yeah. Which one? Jurassic World? They cut the scene. They did it.

There were no dinosaurs. It was me and a brontosaurus. Yeah. They were having a really hard time rendering the dino. Sure, yeah. But yeah, we had to do rehearsals and everything and it was really fun. What was the movie?

What was the movie? Oh gosh, I don't think it ever came out. It was a movie that was like about Etta James and that era, I honestly don't remember the name of it. What do you say it was called At Last? How about that? There you go. Sure. We're calling it At Last. Yeah, I think that was, I'm sure someone at least pitched that. Yeah. Do you get, okay, so I was, I just happened to have been listening to a Fresh Air interview the other day with Terry Gar, the late Terry Gar. They re-ran an awesome interview with her on Fresh Air. And she was a dancer for many years, professional dancer for many years. She danced on like the Tammy show, like all these, the Sonny and Cher show, like all these all these things.

And one of the things that she was talking about was like, she was in all these Elvis movies. And she basically said like, she got her union card. And then they would just call her and be like like you want to be in another Elvis movie tomorrow? She'd be like yeah okay I'll go be in another Elvis movie tomorrow. Like do you do you get on a list at a certain point as a person who you could just call to come swing dance in an Etta James movie? Oh I didn't know this was an option, but I would be honored. I'd have to stretch.

You have to stretch. I would definitely have to stretch. It's possible Courtney that it needs to be 1967. Sure. Sure. Had you swung before or can you just pick it up because you're a pro? I could just pick it up.

I had not swung before, but by the end I was swinging, swinging, swung, you know? Had swung before, but by the end, she was wearing that pineapple shirt. Sure. I think we should probably take a break. We should have Steven get all of our pineapple shirts for our photo that we're gonna take afterwards. But I just kind of wanted to bring up something kind of cool. I don't know, this is just a fun little coincidence. So you've been on the show.

We've had Judy Greer on the show. That's two Jurassic World cast members. Let's get a hashtag started. Vincent D'Onofrio, come on, JJ Goh. I'd love that. Would that be, I don't know if you met Vincent on the set, but would love to have him. Or you want to send him a text or something.

It'd be fine. Go ahead and send him a text. Text Vincent D'Onofrio. Let him know how much we enjoyed his work in Men in Black. Yeah, he's great in Men in Black. Tell him that kind of physical camera plays great on podcasts. Sure. We'd love to have him on the show. We'd love to have him. Tell him that kind of physical humor plays great on podcasts. Sure.

We'd love to have him on the show. We'd love to have him. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jessei Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. You know what, Jordan? This episode of Jordan Jessi Goh, like all episodes of Jordan Jessi Goh, comes to you, the audience member, courtesy of you, the audience member.

Indeed, many of you have become members of Maximum Fund and supported this show directly. That is why our show exists. We are very grateful to you. You can always go to MaximumFund.org slash join, become one and get access to our bonus content and all kinds of other cool stuff. But our thanks to all the members of Maximum Fund. We're also supported this week by our friends at Wild Grain. Now Jordan, we have not met these people, but I do not hesitate to call them our friends,

not only because they have helped pay for the production of this program, but also because num num num them breads. Oh them breads and Jesse, them breads, they make them smells. They do make them smells. I'm at home sniffing. Yeah.

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It is real good. As a certified sourdough bread snob, I love the sourdough. I mean, as said it before, roast some marrow, slather it on that sourdough. Do it. And then pastries are so, so good. The pasta is delicious. I love those breakfast pastries. Cook yourself up a chocolate croissant, have it with your coffee in the morning.

You're feeling great. Can I suggest something? Yeah. Maybe you got a holiday meal coming up. Oh yeah, maybe you do. Maybe you don't wanna figure out two vegetables, a main and a side. Mm-hmm. Just put one of these wild grains in the oven.

Got a freaking fancy ass bread to go with it, make your whole thing seem fancy. Yeah, you're gonna blow some minds at your holiday meal if you pull out a loaf of the wild grain and your house, it's gonna smell great. You know what I always say, Jordan? Take a bake on the wild grain side. Yes, you always say that.

This definitely isn't the first time I've heard that. I always hear that from you, the one who says it. Yes, it's long before we were sponsored by this. Yeah. I didn't get it until now. What does he say? Impress your guests with minimal effort this holiday season. Wild Grain is offering our listeners $30 off the first box plus a free item in every box when you go to wildgrain.com JJGo. That's $30 off your first customized box at wildgrain.com JJ JJ go. That's $30 off your first customized box at wildgrain.com slash JJ go,

or you can just use the promo code JJ go at checkout. And hey Jordan, we just announced that we will be appearing at San Francisco SketchFest. Now I know what you're thinking. Is Jordan and Jesse go appearing at San Francisco SketchFest? No. No, but here's the thing.

You get two shows Featuring us and some other people we hope you'll like you know, you're doing free with ads. When's your free with ads? Yeah free with ads Emily Fleming Matt Leap and I are gonna be reviewing some weirdo movie on January 23rd 730 p.m. at the Punch Line Comedy Club. We're gonna be having a good old time. We're gonna have a special guest to be announced. So yeah, this is our first ever live show with Free With Ads

and we're super excited and we hope people come. And Judge Sean Hodgman is gonna be there February 2nd at the Marines Memorial. That is always truly the best show of our entire tour is that SF SketchFest show. Every time we go out on the road with Judge Sean Hodgman, that show is just absolutely gangbusters. That will be part of, for Judge Sean Hodgman, a little West Coast trip that includes Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, and Los Angeles as well. But LA with Jordan Jesse Goh already sold out.

Oh no. Oh my gosh. Already sold out. Sorry dipshits. Yeah. Sorry fuckers. No, I mean, thank you for buying tickets. Oh my God. Sorry Antonio Viragosa. You blew your shot. Unless you're one of the people who got tickets, we don't have everyone's name in front of

us. Sorry Eric Garcetti. Karen Bass, you can come. Sure. Current mayor Karen Bass can come. Councilperson Judy Chu, I'll see you in the front row. Eunice Hernandez, backstage with me. Oh, boy. Anyway, yeah, you can find all this information, maximumfund..org slash events. And we do want to remind you that we have

brand new Actua mugs and t-shirts at MaxFunStore.com. They're absolutely tremendous. If you're celebrating the holidays with yourself this year, buy it for yourself. Or someone you want to confuse. Maxfunstore.com. Jordan's brand new book is also a perfect holiday gift and you can go shopping for all kinds of vintage and antique stuff at putthisonshop.com, which is my store. We hope that you will shop with us this holiday season. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Courtney James Clark, Party Time Gal. She is. So you square danced in school, Jordan?

Yeah, I have vague memories of having some sort of gym class square dance class. I know the phrase, ala man left. Do I know what it is? Could I ala man left? Is that something one could do? As far as I'm concerned, there's no real ala man left. Sure. Yeah.

I'm just a dirty al-Aman centrist. Sitting on the fence. Well, they both make good points. Yeah, but did the hustle. I definitely remember the day we did the hustle in gym class. And yeah, I think that's maybe all the school dancing, I remember. Did you guys ever do the Billy Blank?

Ty-Bo? We did those on rainy day. Typo at school. They would just put on a DVD. They would on rainy days. Wow. Would everybody just be kicking each other's ass?

Isn't that what Typo is? Am I mistaken? It's you know it's meant for that. But like we would keep to ourselves. We would just kick in the hair. My gym teacher would just put on Van Damme's Bloodsport and say, do that to each other. But keep to yourself. Keep to yourself. Keep it focused on yourself. Right. Yeah. Kick

your own ass. Okay. Well, when something momentous happens to you, like it's raining and a teacher puts on a tie bow, and you finally get to see, watch Suzanne Summers or whatever. Give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, or just send us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org, such as this person has done. Jordan, Jesse, and guests, momentous occasion. I was just awarded my architecture license in California after studying for five years. Great. That was a tight one. Yeah, that was a tight one.

No, yeah, no fat on that one. God, what's the first thing you think this person's going to design? What was that whirring noise though? That was the first thing they designed, which was a terrifying wind tunnel. Sure. It was one of those hurricane simulators at the Science Museum. Right, yes. Those need architects, I'm sure. Yeah. But yeah, good for that person. Do you think they own a T-square?

I bet they do. I feel like if show business ever starts to dry up for Courtney, she could host hurricane simulators at the Science Museum. Oh, I lived through Katrina, you know. Okay, so you know what it's like. Oh, I bathed in a fire hydrant. Okay. Yeah. That sounds like a great anecdote for the science museum. I don't know if I would put the reenactment of that in the science museum. No, no, no. Kids need to know, Jesse. Okay.

The young people need to know. Maybe she could just tell them. No. You live off Pop Tarts. Yeah. That's what you do. Would you have a theme park job, Jesse? Do you have a dream theme park job?

That's a really good question. I do feel like narrating something sounds great. Yeah, wouldn't it be fun to narrate? I'd love to narrate something. I mean, part of me wants to narrate it once and have them play a recording. But then the live audience, the juice coming from the live audience. It does, like, tour guide is like an ultimate dream job for a hammy 17-year-old.

Of course. Right? Like, what could top that? But I feel like, you know, I mean, you know me, my greatest dream is to do the like announcement that plays before a theater show. That says like, turn off your cell phones and you know, so and so is out sick. Right, you're announcing the understudies.

Yeah, like that is my dream career. Do you think you, I mean, God forbid, the guy who plays the Deacon ever leaves us, but would you like to play the Deacon? I don't think you have to do any stunts. I think the Deacon is pure acting, pure comedy. And I think then somebody else comes out and jumps the jet skis.

You do have to golf though. You do have to golf, you have to hit a golf ball and tell a Tiger Woods joke that still gets a laugh in 2024. I think he just says, I'm Tiger Woods. I don't know if he makes an actual joke, but I think it still gets a laugh. 06. Yeah, but he's not referring to the golf. He's referring to his philanderer. 06. Yes. I'm always cheating on my wife with a waitress. Yeah. But I think a Deacon is a bald man.

Oh, there are relatively few lanes open to us in show business. Right. It's either Deacon or Vin Diesel. Yeah. I know I lack the muscles for most of the bald guy jobs in show business, so I think I would take it. You know what? I'm going to take this opportunity.

If you own or control a theater of any kind, I'm willing to work for free. Any kind of theater? Any kind of theater. Porno? Oh, that's what I was thinking. I'll give you $5 if it's a porno theater. I would love to do in- house announcements for a porno theater.

The role of pizza guy will be played by Jason Schlong. I'm just saying, I know that like, do you remember Jordan one time when we were still doing sketch comedy, we were in, I'm going to say Seattle, Washington, and we stayed in someone's three-car prefab backyard garage that had been converted into a modular Burning Man theater space. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And where all the furniture rolled out, it was like flying saucers of furniture that they could roll out and onto a flatbed to bring it to Burning Man.

Incredible, doing live productions of Buffy the Vampire Slayer episodes. I'm just saying, if they wanted one, I'm in, free. Wow. I got my own microphone. I'll make any announcement you want. Nothing racist, I'm in, free. Wow. I got my own microphone. I'll make any announcement you want. Nothing racist or anti-Semitic or anything. A lot of theaters will have racist announcements.

I just don't want to look. If it's the theater show at the Bohemian Grove and I have to say something about how we should be eating poor people or whatever. Sure. I don't want to do that one. But pretty much any... I'm talking about like if you got a film festival. Extreme haunted house? Extreme haunted house, absolutely.

I'll do it for your haunted house. Just email jjgomaximumfun.org. Send us an email. I'll send you the tape. You have to actually use it though. You can't just waste my time, Jordan. No, listen, I'm just having trouble funding the haunted house.

I'm having trouble finding the money for the goals. Well, you gotta attach a star. Sometimes, you know, theaters will host funerals. Would you do an announcement? Oh, I'd love to, but I would wanna bring You know, theaters will host funerals. Would you do an announcement? Oh. I'd love to, but I would want to bring a little bit of Jesse Thorne flavor. Sure.

So it depends on who the deceased is. I guess the most appropriate would be if the deceased is me. That would really be where the Jesse Thorne flavor is the most welcome, would be at my funeral. Besides that, yeah, I mean, I think even if it was like Jordan's funeral or... I would love for you to do the announcements at my funeral. Really? Yeah. You busy next week?

I'm going to choke on some slop. I'm glaning on it. I'm going to run with slop in my mouth. You got to grease the cones, Jordan. Well? Otherwise, you choke on the slop. Well, you gotta grease the cones, Jordan. Well. Otherwise you choke on the slop. Well, now you tell me. After I've died. Oh, well. Courtney, do you have a dream theme park job?

Would you do the job you had in the movie? Oh, yeah, absolutely. But something that always gets, you know, like tickles my fancy would be, you know, they don't have it at Disneyland anymore, but I believe they still have it at Disney World. Working at the Tower of Terror. Oh, yeah. There's something, they're also like, hmm.

Sure. It's like a haunted hotel and they're like haunted bellhops. Yes, I love that. I would love to do that. I would love to like scare people and, right before you close the elevator doors, you, like, look at them in the eyes, you know, and you just add a little fear. Yeah, a little fear for a six-year-old.

Yeah, it's fun. Now, I think that is probably still in Florida. I think it got reskinned with Guardians of the Galaxy, so I think you would have to be Groot if you did it. Right, yeah. I would... He just says, um... Groot. Yeah. But, you know, be Groot if you didn't. Right. Yeah, I would. He just says Groot. Yeah, Groot.

But you know, it's all about the inflection. Yeah. Yeah. Could I be Steve Agee? Sure, yes, you could. Yes, everybody. And I'll be Vincent D'Onofrio. Is he in those?

No. He should be. Why not? He should be. Put Vincent D'Onofrio in makeup on D'Onofrio. Put D'Onofrio in Guardians of the Galaxy, you cowards. Come on. Are you like, I'm not going to be in the Guardians of the Galaxy.

I'm going to be in the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm going to be in the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm going to be in the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm going to be in the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm going to be in the Guardiansnofrio. Throw some alien makeup on D'Onofrio. Put D'Onofrio in Guardians of the Galaxy you cowards. Come on. Are you listening, James Gunn? Come on James Gunn. James Gunn doesn't have the fucking guts to put Vincent D'Onofrio. I'd like to see him put Vincent D'Onofrio in. I'd love to. Hey James Gunn, what's the matter you chicken?

Too scared to put Vincent D'Onofrio in your movies. Oh no. Yeah, this is going to lead to James Gunn hitting a manure truck. Calling us butt heads. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goff. Dead Pactula, Airport Marriott, Threeple, Dear America, We've Seen You Naked, and Allah in the Family. In our stupid universe, you can't see any of these shows, but you can listen to them on Dead Pilot Society, the podcast that brings you hilarious comedy pilots that the networks and streamers bought, but never made.

Journey to the alternate television universe of Dead Pilot Society on MaximumFun.org. Oh darling, why won't you accept my love? My dear, even though you are a duke, I could never love you. You... you borrowed a book from me and never returned it. Ah! Save yourself from this terrible fate by listening to Reading Glasses. We'll help you get those borrowed books back

and solve all your other reader problems. Reading Glasses, every Thursday on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. him a fun. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morse, Boy Detective. Corny James Clark, Party Time USA. Okay. So just to recap for the listener at home who wasn't present for the portion in between segments, we were talking about how our friend Elliot Kalin doesn't like fruit. He hates all fruit. He's one of the hosts of the Flophouse, ironically

known as the original peaches. Well, that's ironic now that we know more information. Our producer, Stephen Ray Morris, said he happened to be in the valley somewhere and saw a street called... Yeah, Satsuma Avenue. That's so cool. Satsuma, of course, is famous for being, primarily for being my favorite citrus. Sure. So around the world, people say, isn't that Jesse Thorne's favorite citrus? Right. Your face is on the bag.

Yeah. And I have a Satsuma tree in my backyard. Although this Satsuma tree has not yet fruited. It used to be in a... What do you call that? I almost said planted in a pail, in a pot is the word we're looking for. And I put it in the ground when I moved and the last few years since I moved, it's just been growing taller and taller and now it's like 15 or 20 feet tall, but it does... Not producing any... Not producing any fucking satsumas, which is sort of the whole idea

Look a tree. That's sort of the whole idea. I mean, I like your shade. Don't get me wrong The leaves are green and all but the fruits sort of a whole idea anyway real bitch to your trees Apparently I'm not enough of a bitch to my trees, because Courtney has some gardening tips for us. Yeah, you gotta smack them around. Okay, so...

Trees and disobedient children. What, okay, what are you imagining when you say this? What are you talking about? You talk to them and you take their branches and you say you like that and you like rustle them up and you slap them and you kind of, you know, toss them around and you talk to them and then they'll start flowering and fruiting. I'm not kidding. This is a genuine technique that you've heard.

Try it. Okay. Who told you this, Corny? My friend Rachel. Oh, okay. Rachel. Who is Rachel? Yeah. OK. Who told you this, Corny? My friend, Rachel. Oh, OK. Rachel. Who is Rachel? Yeah, so you know Rachel.

Yeah, from friends, right? She's like a regular old Martha Stewart with the plants. And she says that you have to show him who's boss? Yes. Yeah, you do. You have to show him who's boss. Because obviously, your tree show them who's boss. Because obviously your tree doesn't, your tree says it's the boss.

Did Rachel used to go by Cesar Milan, Dog Whisperer? Shh. Yeah, you take your fingers and you kind of. Okay, but I get the general idea of speaking, but like physically, what act are you imagining? You, so is it it is a pretty big tree or can you get your hands around it? Well after a while my jaw gets pretty sore. But you literally just slap it slap it and shake it.

I don't think if I slapped it it would win. It would win if I slapped it. I might be able to shake, but I don't even know if I could shake it centrally. I'd have to shake the branches. Yeah, it'll like it. Does that count? Yeah, it'll like it. It likes that shit?

Oh yeah, you better believe it buddy. Is my satsuma tree a nasty freak? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who knew that my satsuma was such a nasty freak? Well, that's a little judgy. Jesse Sorry, I don't mean to kink shame my sad symmetry. Sorry. I'm fruit positive I've always been fruit positive. I searched I'm trying to find this technique and trying to find evidence Curious and I just searched fruit slapping. No, exactly And the first thing was a Quora result that said that just had the question. Is it safe to punch trees?

Well, what is the core of community say yeah, probably nothing crazy They're saying no It's not a good thing because you could risk injuring the tree and it's not the best way to condition I guess it's for people who want a box or something or just had a fight. Oh way to condition, I guess it's for people who want to box or something or just want to fight. Oh. So, but yeah. Is it safe to pull logs through the snow? I'm asking on behalf of my friend Rocky.

I don't know. Give it a shot. I mean, what do you got to lose if this thing's not fruiting? I have this, this is a really important relationship to me. That's what I could lose. Yeah, that's true. This is my connection with this one of nature's greatest wonders. this is a really important relationship to me. That's what I could lose. Yeah, that's true. Is my connection with this one of nature's greatest wonders.

Well, no risk, no reward, Jesse. Could I try it first on one of the grapefruit trees? Because I got three or four grapefruit trees. It's way too many grapefruits. Oh, okay. Yeah, you could. They'll like it too. They will? Yeah. Citrus. They love it. All citrus.

Yeah. What about my mango tree? You know what? They might love it too. Let me ask you this. You don't know until you start slapping. Right, just smack it around a little bit. I got a banana tree. Now that's not technically a tree.

Yeah. Cause it's maybe rhizomatic, I'm not sure. But you know, the little bay shoots babies out of its little leg in the ground or something I don't know how bananas work Jordan either do I? You know God designed them to be perfect for our hands true, but confusing to our brains Yes Jesse you've been playing with that Kirk Cameron again. I have Jesse

What have I told you about playing with that Kirk Cameron? You told me that I have to show him who's boss or he'll never fruit. That's true. You gotta smack Kirk Cameron around. So here's my question for you, Courtney. With my banana tree, that's actually a sort of a palm, that's I think maybe a grass or something. Right. Do I show that?

Who's boss? Yeah, just a little more gently. Gently. Okay. You know, you just, maybe like, maybe just two fingers, little shake, shake, shake. Should I be concerned that it's gonna come back at me? Any of these plants? Well, you have to ask first if they're okay with it.

How do I know what it says? It'll come to you in a dream. Yes. So just slap it around, fall asleep. And let the dream do the work. I don't know, man. The last time I fell and fell asleep under a tree, a bunch of monkeys stole my book about you. My hat sales business. Yeah. Disc disc disc. That's what they were saying to me. That's true.

Fucking assholes. Fucking monkeys. God, these fucking assholes. Caps for sale monkeys. You know what I'm talking about, Stephen? I do remember that book. I just totally recovered memory. That was like Yurt of the Turtle also came back to me recently.

Isn't that like a book about like the rise of fascism or something? I think it's about a stack of turtles. I read too much. 100% on there. My memory is it's about a stack. You're thinking of Horton here's a fascist. There we go. But I did find that apparently that smacking the fruit around what there was like a gardener guy on TV named Jerry Baker in the 70s and he would also tell people to shampoo their lawn so but there's no concrete evidence Shampoo the lawn yeah shampoo the lawn. I know this guy sounds fucking awesome. I know right this guy sounds tremendous

He looks like a gardener. Let me say oh yeah, well that makes sense Yeah, you know now that you mention it. Yeah, it, that makes sense. Yeah. You know, now that you mention it, it kind of adds up. He's even holding up a photo. And yes, yeah, that looks like a stock photo of a gardener. But apparently, this guy will give you the back of his hand if you're not fruiting enough. Can I ask you a question? Sure. You think shampooing your lawn, you think that's some nasty freak shit?

Man, I don't know. But again, I'm fruit positive, I'm lawn positive. However, a man wants to interact with his plants, I'm okay with it. Plant daddy. Yes. Should I go in there and subscribe to r slash lawn shampoo? Is that it? I bet it is.

I bet there's some hot lawn talk over there on Reddit somewhere. I think we could subscribe to that. During the other day, I went into R slash rootbeers. Yes. And I saw this meme that said, yeah, you could say I have a porn addiction, an addiction to porn myself another glass of beer. Yes, we were browsing around on r slash root beer, the subreddit for root beer enthusiasts

the other day and it got sexier more than you'd think. I went on there, I was having such a nice time on r slash root beer. It's a lot of fun. This is the most positive subreddit on the whole internet. And I liked one that said, the subject was, I am European and have just tried root beer. I am in heaven. And then it has what can only be described as a very bad picture of an ANW root beer. Oh yeah, half cut off.

Yeah, partly cut off and just mostly dirty table. And this was the subject, I mean, this was the body. It said, it says, this the best mineral I have ever had just above Dr. Pepper, if this is bad root beer, tell me a better one. And I thought, well, I know this subreddit has a reputation for positivity. My friend Jordan taught me about that. I figure these guys

are going to be, they've been invited to say what root beers are better than A&W root beer. Of course they're going to fucking say, they're're gonna be like, oh, sprinkles. You know what I mean? Adam- Sure. Yeah. There's a brewery in my neighborhood run by my friend that why haven't you heard of that? Adam- You know what all the comments were, Jordan? A&W is a really great root beer. I've got one in my fridge right now. That's it. It was just positive comments. There was many of them. Many positive comments about how tasty a cold A&W root beer is.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the whole internet was like that? That would be nice. It was positive. You know, just happy. Yeah. Tremendous. Absolutely tremendous. By the way, Courtney, my friend Dave Schumke

taught me something really interesting. Do you know what the A&W stands for? No. Hamburgers and wood beer. You can't just keep saying, stop podcasting yourself. This is our show. I can say it. We have to.

I can say it. I can say it. You are a true vegan. As long as I credit Dave. You are accrediting him. As long as I credit Dave, I can just say it. I can just say that, right, Stephen? There's nothing in the law that says I can just say it. I can just say that, right, Stephen? There's nothing in the law that says

I can't say something Dave said if I say Dave said it, right? Yeah, I think that holds up in court. Yeah. My friend Homer said, doe, recently. I'm saying my friend. Courtney, let's say people's interest is quetted regarding Courtney James Clark, other than of course watching the trailer for Jurassic World. Where is people's next stop on the

Courtney James Clark train? Well, I'm on Instagram, at Court J. Clark. Okay. TikTok. I don't really do much on TikTok. Yeah, well. At Court J. Clark, you know? That's where you can find me. Well, it's been a joy to talk to you.

And thank you for all the gumbo tips. Absolutely. It's been a joy to be here. Thank you. Maybe next time, you'll tell us what your favorite slop is, instead of deflecting and talking about how gumbo isn't a slop. Well, I think what you were referring to earlier

was stroganoff. Yeah, thank you mm-hmm great hey great great bucking Steven stroganoff is what I was it comes out pretty good in a slow cooker stroganoff yeah make a pretty good slow cooker stroganoff no no I don't love mushrooms so okay but I bet that would be great yeah it's weird that we eat them. Sure. I'm a texture guy. Oh, right. It's a weird texture.

Too weird and chewy and slimy at the same time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, you're not wrong. I had to trick myself into liking them. But now I do. Congratulations. Steven, how do you feel about them? Just source of protein, I'm sure.

I do like mushrooms, although I have a very... Seeing the underside of a full mushroom freaks me out a little bit. Yeah, what's that about? What's going on? Yeah, I don't need it as a burger like yeah I can I'll have it cut up in a stroganoff. That sounds great. Stephen Ray Morris is the producer of the program Yes, our theme music is love you by the free design courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records our thanks To them you can find us on social media. We are on Instagram at JordanJesseGoPod. We are on Twitter and Facebook at JordanJesseGo. That's facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo

and twitter.com slash JordanJesseGo. And we are in Instagram at JordanDavidMorris and at JesseForn, very famous, our very own selves. And we're on Reddit at maximumfun.reddit.com and at rootbeer.reddit.com and marbles.reddit.com. We'll talk to you next time on Jordanistico. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. love you.