Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Helena I'm Feeling Frisky, with Elliott Kalan

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

Elliott Kalan of The Flop House is back on Jordan Jesse Go! talking about his grandmother abusing Access-A-Ride, Tim Burton films, and much more!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing good. I know the kind of universal understanding is that nobody wants to hear about your dreams. Right. Universal understanding is that nobody wants to hear about your dreams.

Right. Everybody's excited to tell you about a funny dream they had, and then they don't have stories and things that are funny in your head. I just don't like black and white movies. Sure. I'm not sure I get that. Is that a thing? Right?

You're supposed to dream in black and white? Oh, I don't know. I've never heard that before. I'm full Technicolor, baby. Okay. Go ahead. I'm Dorothy waking up in. I'm full Technicolor, baby. Okay. Go ahead. I'm Dorothy waking up in Oz. What are we talking about?

IMAX? Full IMAX, yes. IMAX 3D. Right. It's Blue Beetle and My Dreams, shot for IMAX. Yep. Get a headache 40 minutes in. Right, yeah.

You know, got to sit in the back. Vertigo. Crane in your neck upward to see my dreams. Anyway, let me tell you about these dreams. They're short. I think they're actually funny. One of them involves you. I think we're going to like them. I'm excited to be a featured player. Sure, yeah. Look out for those residual checks. They're going to be small, but you're going to be getting them for years. All I dream about are fully dressed turkeys. Well, it's because since I've been living on that desert island anyway.

Yeah. Sometimes your friend turns into one. Okay. So dream number one. I'll do the one that involves you first. Okay. You and me are having dinner with Willem Dafoe. Okay. This is good so far. He's eating shrimp. Right.

A big plate of shrimp. And before he eats... What style of shrimp? I think these are eaten shrimp. Right. A big plate of shrimp. And before he eats... What style of shrimp? I think these are raw shrimp. If I'm remembering my dream correctly. Yeah, I mean, you got a dick like that. You eat your shrimp raw. Absolutely. Before he eats each shrimp, he picks it up in his hand.

He crushes it and throws it in his mouth. That's dream one. And we're just listening to him. Like a juicer kind of thing? Kind of, yeah. Dream two. I're just listening to him. Like a juicer kind of thing? Kind of, yeah. Dream two, I stop at a red light. James Cameron pulls up next to me. Yeah.

And we just look at each other and start chanting, USA, USA. That's it. Do you have like a dream journal? This podcast is my dream journal, Jesse. Had Willem Dafoe been coming up in your thoughts? No, I haven't seen a Willem Dafoe movie in a while. Yeah, so I don't know. Maybe that's, you know, maybe just a reminder to appreciate the work of one of our great living actors.

It's crazy. I would never dream about Willem Dafoe. Never in a million years. Bill Macy. Bill Macy. Exclusively Bill Macy. Bill Macy. It's exclusively Bill Macy for me. Yeah. All my dreams are shameless themed.

Right. Yeah. Remember when Bill Macy was in everything? When was that? 96 through 98? Yeah, it was great. He was fucking, you know why? He was fucking great.

One of the best. Yeah, one of the best. He shouldn't have committed fraud with his wife to get his daughter into college. But other than that, 10 out of 10. Well, she's the one who went to jail. So I'm guessing old Bill probably didn't have anything to do with it. Other than that, 10 out of 10. I remember my wife had a buddy who was at NYU our freshman year of college.

And the two of them were giving a uh were giving an acting master class and my wife got new because her friend was at NYU and snuck in it was like the biggest the fucking Bill Macy Felicity Huffman acting master class was the the fucking talk of right our relationship for a year thereafter how often do you get to see a class led by two people who have fucked? I know. Fucking amazing. Absolutely thrilling. I mean, husband and wife professor team, that's as good as it gets.

Because the whole time you're like, what positions are they into? Sure. Do they do butt stuff? You know, these two academic freaks love the 69. Yeah, they do. Sure, yeah. That's, nom, nom, nom. Sure, yeah. That's what they say to each other.

Rubbing their two gray ponytails on each other. That's professor style when you take your gray ponytail and entwine it with another gray ponytail. That's where my buddy Jim Cameron got the idea for Avatar. U-S-A, U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-C! U-S-C! Because they were teaching at the School of Cinema. Oh, yeah.

He and his famous director wife. Ex-wife. Oh, yeah. Catherine Bigelow. There you go. Thank you. Two greats. Did he pull up in a car or a submarine? Oh, yeah. No, we were both in convertibles. We were both in classic Hollywood convertibles. Oh, like 56 Chevy type deal? You in convertibles. We were both in classic Hollywood convertibles. Oh, like 56 Chevy type deal?

You know it. Wow. Yeah. Muscle cars for Jordan and Jimmy. No, that would be cool if James Cameron had a street legal submarine. Yeah. They could just go on the freeway and then into the ocean to explore the depths. Yeah. There's a, at the Valley Flea Market, the Topanga vintage sale.

But that Valley Flea Market is wild. Oh, it's, well, it's pretty toasty, I'll tell you that much. I'm sure. Out there at Pierce College. Exclusively tiki? Over there at Pierce. How much? There's a lot of.

What percentage of it would you say is tiki? I mean, some of it is Halloween-y. Okay. So you got to take that into account. Sure. It really. Tiki Dracula's, tiki Frankenstein's. Exactly. to take that into account. Tiki Draculas, Tiki Frankensteins.

Exactly. There's a Cars and Coffee that's also on the campus of Pierce College, which is a regional, I think it's maybe a community college, not sure. And it also happens on Sunday mornings real early. Car guys get up real early. They're like leaving at 9 a.m. I'm like, gee whiz. I think maybe part, and listen, I'm not a car guy. This is just a theory about car guys. I think if you're a car guy,

you like being, you want to leave the house. You're maybe looking for a way to get away from your family. Right. So you're up and out. I'm not religious, but my Ferrari is, and he wants to go to church. Right, exactly. I'm going to church to support my Ferrari. Yeah, it's fun. It's neat. If my kids go with me to that flea market, we'll go look at the cars and coffee. And it will be full-on Ferraris and shit. And then some people have Corvettes, which is not as cool as a Ferrari, frankly,

but, you know, still all right. It makes sense. Both of them look pretty good on a poster. And people will have, that's true. People will have, you know, those like, oh, this is an old Rolls Royce. They're like, this is a goofy car. You know, this is like a, you know, tiny Japanese van or something. Sure.

And then sometimes people will just have one of those like Nissan Sentras, but it has got a carbon fiber hood. And you're just like the chutzpah of this guy coming in and parking next to these Ferraris. Seems like maybe somebody's just in it for the coffee. Maybe somebody's just trying to score some free Joe. That's probably what happened. He probably took his regular hood off, put a carbon fiber hood on, and he figured it's like joining a loyalty program. Right. I'm going to spend the money on the hood, and then I'm going to save the money over time with all the free coffee.

I'm guessing if you pull up in a car, you're probably getting the coffee for free. I don't know. Plus affordable automotive accessories and miniature car toys. Right. You know what a car guy loves? Hmm? Just a small version of his car that he can keep on his desk to remember what kind of car he has.

You think those guys are fucking him? The cars? Yeah. The toys. I mean, you know, I don't think you have to be a dragon to fuck a car. No. I think these fellas do.

The people of Reddit would tell you otherwise, but... Yeah, no, I think these guys could fuck him a little bit. I mean, would I fuck a Sentra with a graphite hood? Carbon fiber hood? I guess I'm talking about fucking the models. The models? The models of the cars. Like, you can, you know, hollow one out and go to town. Where would you put

would you just put, like, one of those drill bits that makes a big hole? Yeah, I mean, I think it depends on the, like the width and depth of the model. Would you be concerned about plastic burrs? I would. Yeah.

These guys don't care. These guys are gearheads. These are gearheaded, iron-dicked car lovers. These guys got motor oil on their crankshafts, if you know what I mean. I do. And they're pounding away at these little plastic babies. The oil has been checked, sir. You've checked the oil a few times.

Let me take a look at that dipstick. Sure, yes. Something they say. Rack and pinion. Matt, just erase this and we'll start again from the top. Oh, I wasn't recording. As soon as you started telling your dream, I was like, well, this isn't going to work. Right.

Should we introduce our guest on the show? I would love to. Our guest, of course, is one of America's – well, because you're such a gearhead. This guy is a total gearhead. He used to drive Ed Helms' car. Really? I purchased secondhand Ed Helm's car. Yeah.

No, you would just go over. I would go to his house. Hey, Eddie! I'd say, Ed, need your wheels. And he'd go, again, Elliot? And I'd go, yeah, baby. And I'd jimmy the car window open with a wire hanger. Right, yeah.

I would lung lock the car. By the way, if you're jimmying, it doesn't get any better than a wire hanger, right? I've tried to use a plastic hanger. Right. Yeah. I would unlock the car with that. By the way, if you're Jimmy and it doesn't get any better than a wire hanger, right? I've tried to use a plastic hanger to Jimmy. It's fine. It works. I used a paint scraper one time, but I was like, this is a little bit over the top. I'll just use a wire hanger. Yes.

I will say. Classic for a reason. Close number two, though. Open up somebody's door with a credit card. Slide it in there. Jimmy, the lock open. It's an amazing feeling when you get that to actually work. Yeah.

That's fair. I mean, that's fair. And then you get to steal things. By the way, also the host of The Flophouse, Elliot Kalin. Thank you so much for having me. What a joy to have you here, Elliot. Have either of you ever gotten a car door open by putting a hanger through the window and then pulling up the little thing? No, I haven't.

And they don't have those little things anymore on as many cars. One time I was in, my dad used to do that. An endangered species. I saw one in the zoo and right on the sign they had that little skull and crossbones that means endangered species. Trying in vain to get it to fuck another door.

Like a panda, it just won't do it. The chemistry has to be very, very particular. I'm totally resentful of opening a car door by putting a coat hanger in there and pulling up the little thing because the presence of like four of them meant I couldn't build my luxury hotel because it's an endangered species. Oh, yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

My dad one time – my dad would do that. I followed you through that whole sentence. Yeah. My dad drove a lot of fun. I said yeah when you said yeah. We had a mutual suicide pact there to say yeah. And if it turned out that we were agreeing to something bad, we were both going to have to deal with it. Oh, you didn't know that that joke was racist?

Oh, now you tell me. It was super racist. Now you tell me. You guys are already on board with it, so it's too late. Okay. Well, I'm glad I put in the cyanide molar. Now you tell me. It was super racist. Now you tell me. You guys are already on board with it, so it's too late. Okay. Yeah. Well, I'm glad I put in this cyanide molar. They laughed at me down at the cyanide molar store.

What do you have? You're a podcaster. Why do you need a cyanide molar? When are you ever going to be taken prisoner by someone who desperately needs information you have and cannot give to them? Sure. And they're willing to torch you for. Never. What information would you, a podcaster, possibly have?

I'm like, just stick it in. I'm not. Just stick it in there. I don't need to tell you my life story. Glue it down. Tell me how to chomp. Sure. So the hard part is when you get the cyanide front tooth because then you cannot eat carrots.

Right. Right. You can't. Plus, if you eat too many carrots, you turn orange. That's true. And it's very hard to be undercover as a spy when you're orange because everyone assumes that you're a tiger and they run away

that's a really good point wait I'm a honeypot sorry I'm not fucking a tiger my dad drove a really fucked up Chevy Nova for a long time because somebody had hollowed it out with a drill to stick their penis in yeah pretty much My dad drove a really fucked up Chevy Nova for a long time. Because somebody had hollowed it out with a drill to stick their penis in? Yeah, pretty much.

And when I finally got my own car, a not that much less fucked up car, a Chevy El Camino, I was driving it in his neighborhood. Because you loved the movie so much, the Breaking Bad spinoff movie. Yeah, 100%. And I got a flat tire. I mean, all Netflix originals. Yeah, I like that Will Smith movie where he's in the future. Wait, which one where he's in the future?

I don't know. You mean the one where he's- The Adam Sandler movie where he does a little baby voice? Again, it was just such a great day where I saved up enough to buy that Hyundai Orange is the New Black. In Norway? But I lost a – you know, I got a flat tire. And I tried to call AAA with my dad's AAA card. And there's this thing in AAA where if your membership lapses, you can call for service

and they'll say your membership lapsed and you just give them the $30 and then they'll renew your membership. $10 per day. Yeah. It's happened to me a few times. So I called. God bless him. And my dad's membership had lapsed.

And I was like, oh, I'll just do that thing where you pay that. And they said, we're sorry. You're on the blacklist. Wow. He had used it too much and they wouldn't let him sign back up. Can you at least get Westway's magazine? They couldn't kick him out. I had to go to the fucking newsstand to get

my Westway. The same thing, or a very similar thing happened to my grandmother. There is a thing called Accessoride in New York City where they are vans for old people that will drive you around New York City, greatest city in the world. They take care of their elderly. Or if the vans are not coming at the right time, you can have a certain amount of cab rides,

regular yellow taxi cab rides reimbursed. And my grandmother was blacklisted. They said, you cannot use this service anymore. You've had too many cab rides reimbursed. She was going all over town, living her, at the time, very glamorous life, going to the opera, going to dinner, going to many of her theaters where she had season passes to. On David Dinkins' time?

This was like a few years ago. This was when I think when Bloomberg was running the town. You'd think he could throw a few pennies over to the cab company. Yeah, Bloomberg can handle this. She said, I can't use Accessoride anymore. They told me I've been using it too much. And I just imagined this meeting where they're like, well, this program is helping the elderly get around the city. This is great.

They can't get up and down the subway stairs that easily. So this is fantastic. Unfortunately, we are once again in the red thanks to Barbara's use of the service. We got to kick her out. We got to kick her out. Barbara. Just one of those presentations by Mayor Bloomberg. All right.

Let's address Barbara. Who's going to call Barbara and tell her she can't use this program anymore? I'm concerned about guns and Barbara. Those are my two main issues, guns and Barbara, and paying money to Johns Hopkins University and then telling them to remove things like roads

because I don't like them. He does a lot of that too. He's a Johns Hopkins alum. Bloomberg always struck me as a guy who is almost a Christopher Guest character. Yeah. Like almost there but not quite there. A little bit more boring. Who of the Christopher Guest players would you say would play him in a movie?

Christopher Guest at CG himself. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, I think that's right. Yeah. My first thought was Balaban but that's wrong. No, no. Because Balaban has that natural warmth.

Yes, natural warmth and a little bit of a lack of confidence. Whereas CG, he can just play a cold, cold-ass lizard. He's got a psychopath quality to him. Yes, he does have dead eyes like a doll's eyes. Sure, yeah. I wonder often. Harlan Pepper, you stopped naming nuts. Remember that?

I often wonder about Christopher Guest and Jamie Lee Curtis' home life because they seem like such different people. Sure. I have interviewed both of them. Jamie Lee Curtis. I'm a fan of both of them. By the way, fan of both of them. Oh, no, both geniuses. And them as people, yeah.

Jamie Lee Curtis is like, as her reputation would suggest, one of the most radiant human beings on Earth. She seems like she's just like the sun radiating warmth the second she left i presume because they came in the mail three days later i got a box of all of her children's books signed by her to my children oh that's so nice uh and like halloween stuff for gracie who loves ha Halloween the movie or just general, that she was in or just general Halloween? No, just like one of those plastic jack-o'-lanterns. Spider rings. A little bag of spider rings.

It was like a you know, like a comic book store stabby, like an action figure of her. Oh, cool. And like a special purse and like a Halloween... just the most incredible thing. Yeah, I bet you're going to love that. Couldn't believe it was real.

So what did Christopher Guest send you after his interview? Christopher Guest, everybody was like, are you sure you want to interview Christopher Guest? And I was like, yeah. I mean he fucking made Waiting for Guffman. Yeah, come on. You know what I mean? Like come on. Why would I – how could I not, right? Director of the biguffman. Yeah, come on. You know what I mean? Like, come on. Why would I?

How could I not? Right? Director of the big picture, Christopher Guest. How could you not? Exactly. Wagons East. That's another Christopher Guest. Four York and Saturday.

That was Christopher Guest. He really, he had some time in the wilderness before he figured out, I'll just make movies that are improv and I'll just have improv geniuses do them. Anyway, he was challenging. He wasn't an asshole or anything. No, no. I've always, the sense of, I've never met him, the sense of always seeing, like, gotten through osmosis just from his work or from

hearing about him is that he's not nice, but he's also not warm. Nope, not interested in talking to anyone, I'll tell you that much. He's not going to go out of his way to be mean. It's like you're not worth the trouble to be mean to. Yeah. Yeah, she chose him. She saw him in a newspaper and said, I'm going to marry that handsome man.

Really? Yeah. That's how my mom and Garfield got together. But the problem is your mom loves Mondays, but opposites attract. That's true. I mean, it works for them. They're still together. They're still together, my mom and Garfield.

Celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary. Oh, wow, that's fantastic. From what I understand, my mom's still hot and heavy with funky winker beans. Sure. That's kind of a situation ship though, right? Like, funky's not gonna settle down. Funky's not gonna put a ring on Judy. Yeah, pretty complicated.

Elliot, you came up on the podcast a few weeks ago because we were talking about coolest guys we know. We were listing coolest guys. And you started with the bottom of the list, farthest from. We were like, who do we know that probably has the biggest dick? Sure. Well, I am a very short

Jewish man with very small hands and a high-pitched voice. You're right. It's always the ones you least expect. Yeah, I'm a very short Jewish man with very small hands and a high-pitched voice. So you're right. It's always the ones you least expect. Yeah, I'm like King Triton down there. It's three prongs. It shoots lightning. It's fucking barbed.

Controls whirlpools. Yep, exactly. Power over sea storms. Yeah. But only to my penis, yeah. Okay. Exactly. Power over sea storms.

Yeah. But only to my penis, yeah. Okay. So there was the tropical storm that was, you know, maybe supposed to be a big deal in L.A., maybe was a big deal elsewhere. Thankfully it did not hit L.A. as hard as it – Thankfully it did not hit L.A. that bad. But Jesse was saying you were the guy who he knew who was, like, doing the best prep. Oh, like, had – Very nice of you to say.

Who had, like, storm experience. I mean, I prep. Who had storm experience. I mean, I don't know about storm experience necessarily. I grew up on the East Coast where we get heavy rain frequently. I grew up on a dead end on top of a hill. So the hill would flood at the bottom and we would be trapped there until the water drained away.

And we would sit there and laugh as cars tried to drive through the water and we'd get stuck. And we didn't have TV then. We made our own entertainment. I'm imagining your whole family sitting on the roof with binoculars. I would have loved that. So if my family was close enough to each other,

we would have done that together. But we have kind of a screened-in back room in our house. So I spent a lot of that day before the night of the storm taping up plastic sheeting to cover that up in case the wind came. I didn't want to blow rain into my children's playroom and ruin the toys they don't use anymore but they refuse to let me get rid of or our board games, which are all in there. And what else? We were stockpiling water just in case. My in-laws were visiting us, and they went to get us a lantern in case there was a blackout.

So we were fairly ready. And then luckily none of that stuff was needed. It wasn't as – and the rain itself knocked that plastic sheeting down halfway through the day. So it was like, oh, well, this wouldn't have helped us that much. I was disappointed. I was bummed that the power didn't go out because I had recently learned that I could plug a refrigerator into my car. Oh, cool.

I was like, oh, man. Like I went down to the not service merchandise, the Harbor Freight. I went down to Harbor. Have you guys been to Harbor Freight? No. Not familiar. It's like Pier 21. What is it?

It's like a... Pier 21 is 20 more than the actual store. It's like the Trader Joe's. It's Pier 1 plus Forever 21 mixed together. So it's like teen fashion from Eastern Europe but brought over cheaply on a boat. And then a lot of wicker chairs.

It's all wicker. A lot of wicker halters. These Gen Z kids and their wicker. And their big Nirvana t-shirts and their wicker. They love nothing more than tricking a cop onto a remote island and sticking him in a big wicker man and lighting the whole thing on fire with some goats in there. Right. These Gen Zs. Anyway, yes? These Gen Zers and their bee cages.

They're always sticking bee cages. Always trying to get their honey back. The Harbor Freight is like a home. So it's David Harbor's store. Yeah, it's like a Trader Joe's of Home Depot's. Oh. But it's not hip the way Trader Joe's aspires to be. Trader Joe's where every day is like a party at a grocery store and everyone you know is having sex when the store closes.

Yeah, what's cool about – I only buy canned things there because whatever is coming out of them in the sex is not getting through that can. That's a good point. I won't buy anything in cardboard there. Did we – we kind of sort of confirmed that at one of our live shows where we were asking people about their jobs. Didn't we have a Trader Joe's employee say that, yeah, there was quite a bit of hooking up? Yeah, they pretty much said that. They pretty much readily admitted.

Sure, yeah. I mean if you're a Trader a trader, that's the whole point. It's like they pay you enough to stifle unions. Right. And you get to have as many tattoos as you want and fuck your co-workers. I mean, and who doesn't look good in a Aloha shirt? Thank you. Everybody looks good.

Nobody. Everybody looks good in it. The Harbor Freight. Except the Hawaiian Punch guy. Does not work. Yeah, that's a good point. It doesn't work for him. He doesn't have the dude.

Makes him look pale. No. Get that man an 80s blazer, sleeves rolled up, skinny tie, now punchy, has some style. So you're saying Harbor Freight. A Harbor Freight is... There's only... Because there's only two places. If you need a hardware thing, there's only two places near my house. A Home

Depot and a Harbor Freight. I don't want to go to the Home Depot because my father-in-law, until he retired a few weeks ago, managed a hardware store, very opposed to the Home Depot. Obviously, I don't have any express political opinions, but some people might say that the guy who owns Home Depot is genuinely evil. And so, you know, I would like to... Skeletor? Yeah. I'd like to avoid the Home Depot if I can. And this Harbor Freight opened up.

Harbor Freight, it's also a little bit of a dollar store. Okay. It's somewhat of a dollar store. What's wrong with that? I mean, everything you're saying makes me want to go to this store. This store is fucking tremendous. I love this store. Because you just walk down the aisles and you're like, well, that air compressor probably costs about two-thirds what it would cost at the Home Depot.

I guess I have to buy it. Just on the side, it just says air compressor, but maybe I need one. So you just have a closet full of mini fridges now. Just the number of just like— But your air takes up so much less space than it once did. I know! God, when I go to change my air seasonally, yeah, when I bring

out the down air for winter. When you're storing the summer air back, you can just compress all that space. Oh, slide under your bed, it's that easy. It's incredible. All the air comes out wrinkled. I had to buy a heavy-duty extension cord that was refrigerator-proof that I could plug into my car. Went down there to that Harbor Freight.

When there's a hurricane coming and you're in the Harbor Freight, it is hard not to just buy all the different shit in there and imagine a whole new life for yourself. Now, I admire your courage that if a hurricane is coming, the last place I'm going is a place that has harbor in the name. That's a really good point. Seems dangerous. But you had the courage and the intelligence to know this is just the name of a store. It's not an actual waterfront. I should mention I was dashed upon the rocks. Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, no. Eventually, I was dashed upon the rocks. Oh, no, like a delicious octopus being tenderized by a Greek man. Yeah, but you're just like- Uh-oh, King Trident's getting hard over here, talking about his shipwreck. Whoa. I can see the prongs poking through his jeans. You're just in there thinking like, I really could use a giant tarpaulin.

Sure. You know what I mean? For something. Who knows what? I'd have to lash it to something? Oh, sure. Oh, then I should buy these lashes, you say. I just went wild on them.

What if I have to guide a ship past the island of the sirens? You never know. You'd be lashed to something. I just went wild on the Hormel chili. I just bought so much Hormel chili. Oh, yeah, that's a good idea. Have you been eating that Hormel chili? No, I've resisted the urge.

I think I want to, you know, I went a little wild with the hurricane prep myself. And I do think the thing to do is to just keep that as the disaster stuff. Yeah, because a disaster is going to happen eventually. But if you're not eating it, it's going to go bad. You've got to rotate it. You've got to keep the wheel turned. You've got to rotate in the chili? Yeah, you go every once in a while.

You eat your oldest chili and buy a new chili to rotate in the chili? Yeah, you go every once in a while you eat your oldest chili and buy a new chili. Otherwise the chili's going to go bad. But that's like once every few months or a year. You know, the chili will last a while, right? Yeah, but Jordan's got no idea how much chili this guy bought. How much chili did you buy?

Let me fart you an answer. Matt, insert some gross farting noises here. Just about seven or eight minutes worth. Yeah. You wait. Like, it's funny, it's gross, and then it gets funny again because we're doing it so long. Reminds me of one of my old Daily Show coworkers, Jimmy Don, James Francis Don, who does the voiceover for them now.

You know, the guy who does September 4th. Oh, yeah. 20-whatever year. Good gig. But he's also a segment producer. And he and I came up. We were PAs together. We were segment producers together.

And when we were segment producers together, I don't know if he still does this. He would do a bit where this was – the department was all in one big room. Nobody had their own office. There were about six of us in the same room. And he would set a clip of fart noises, just a long audio track of fart noises, and he would start that up at the same time that he would play a clip of sex noises that he had found online. Okay.

Of female sex noises and then he would just leave the room and let his screensaver and I guess his login password that he'd be used to shut off his computer stop us from turning it off. And so he would just leave for a while and we just hear sex sounds and fart sounds together for a long time. Oh, it's so funny. Sounds like my honeymoon. How many chilies did you buy? Six?

Maybe I maybe got 12 chilies. So this is why he needs to rotate. That is a lot of chili. Yeah, yeah. You do have to rotate. You gotta eat them once a month. Once a month you gotta eat a chili and replace a chili. Really? Does a chili, you shouldn't leave it there?

How long are those? Those chilis are good for a while, right? I think two years. I'd say two years. So every other month. Yeah, yeah. The half-life of chili is about a year or so. Yeah.

So by two years, it's gone. You open the can and there's nothing there. All right. Every month. And you got that chili radiation. You open it up and it just goes. Every, okay. once a month. Once a month to eat a can of chili is not such a huge ask.

I mean, there was a time in my life where, I mean, I was probably taking down a Hormel. I was probably taking down two Hormels a week. Wow. That was not as impressively pathetic as I thought it was going to be. Oh, yeah. I mean, I maybe gave myself a little credit in that story just because I wanted – like you want to appear kind of pathetic so it's funny but not – Not so pathetic that people are worried about you. Yeah, yeah, exactly.

You don't want people to write in. Yeah, exactly. You want to talk about my days when I was a production assistant at The Daily Show alongside James Franciston wherein I – in order to save money, I was eating the second cheapest brand of hot dog from the supermarket. No bun, no condiment. And I was losing so much weight that I had to start wearing belts because my pants would no longer stay up. And I ran into someone that I used to know.

Were you not wearing belts before? I was not wearing belts. I didn't have to. My pants fit. Why am I going to spend money on a belt I don't need? That's how they get you. Big belts telling us we need one of these things. Oh, what if your

pants falls down? You saw it happen in the cartoons. So you don't want people to see your heart boxers. That's my biggest shame. If anyone did, I'd never be able to go back to the job. You had to save money so you could afford that one step hot dog upgrade. Yeah, exactly. I wouldn't buy the cheapest.

What was the cheapest and what's the second cheapest? The cheapest was the Key Food brand. This was at Key Food in Queens, Astoria, Queens. The cheapest was the, oh, you know what?

No, it wasn't Astoria, Queens yet. I was living in Manhattan. This is the way I can afford Manhattan rents. The Key Food brand was the cheapest and the one step up, I don't remember the name of it,

but it came in a package that looked like it had, it looked like it might as well just say meat. Right. Just in big letters. It was the blandest. They didn't spend a lot of money on graphic design. Were you eating fruits and vegetables? That was kind of – I had heard legends of fruits and vegetables at the time.

And I ran into somebody I had known in college and throughout high school, someone who was the same town as me. And he saw me and he assumed immediately that I was a heroin addict. He started demanding that I show him my arms because he... Why is Elliot making all these great jazz albums? I think a good goal for us just as a podcast would be to not do anything that would

lead someone to write in with resources. Sure. Fair, fair. My... I eat very well now. I eat very well now. I eat very well. I don't want anyone to worry about it. Sure, you're 400 pounds. And you look great. Thank you. 400 pounds, but it's on all the right places.

It's all in the prongs, if you know what I mean. Prongs, yeah. My, like, I'm a PA and I'm broke meal was always a hot dog burrito. So it was a tortilla. You melt the cheese. You roll up the hot dog in that.

Okay. And I still crave them sometimes. There's no beans or – Oh, I mean, you know, depends on how good a week you had. Depends on if maybe you could, you know, squirrel away some of the change from the petty cash. But, yeah, you can dress that up in some ways. No wonder you're going hog wild buying Hormel Chili now when you're in the money. Right, exactly. You know, you'd be like, more beans, more beans. Yeah. But yeah, you can dress that up in some ways. Well, no wonder you're going hog wild buying Hormel chili now when you're in the money.

Right, exactly. You know, you're going to be like, more beans, more beans. Sure. You know what? If I throw these beans away, that's fine. Because you know what? It means that I'm doing fine. I'm doing well.

Yeah. There you go. Have you thought about, like, getting some nice toppings in fixings? For the hot dog burrito? No, for your chili. Oh, yeah, sure. I mean, I think, you know, we talked about this when Hormel... This is a great show, Elliot. This is our second Hormel conversation

we've had this month. I still don't know why you were talking about it. Did you ever tell me why I came up in conversation a few weeks ago? Oh, because we were talking. So I think we recorded a podcast on the night that the tropical storm was supposed to hit. You said all this and we talked about it. This is just my memory is gone because I've run out of space and I'm not going to delete everything I know about old time Hollywood.

I'm sorry. I know. You have too many Zazu Pitts facts in there. I was watching a Zazu Pitts movie not too long ago. Were you really? It was really good. That is always my – I don't really know who Zazu Pitts is. That was my – always my pull for old time movie star.

I think it was one of those like, when you're looking at the walk of fame and there's always that like, who the hell is that? Yeah, yeah. Oh, she is, was it super talented comedic actress? Yeah, tell me everything. She's just a comedy pull for me. I want to know, I want to know the person behind the funny name. I mean, she was a great, she was a very versatile actress. Okay.

She was best known for comedy. She did a series of short comedies where she was co-starred with Thelma Todd before Thelma Todd died under tragic, mysterious circumstances. And the movie I was watching with her recently... Turns out she was just eating the second best hot dog for every meal. It was very unsafe. Don't do that. Folks,

learn from me. Don't do that. Don't do what I did to become a successful television writer with a loving family. Don't do that. Don't do what I did to become a successful television writer with a loving family. Don't do that. Do something better. But Zazu Pitch, she's probably best remembered now, even though she had this long career in comedy. To put it in layman's terms, if you're trying to imagine her, she's kind of like crossing olive oil with – olive oil, the character, not the food ingredient with aileen mcmahon uh the actress who you may know from five star final gold diggers of 1933 uh the film version of babbit she made with

guy kibbe anyway so i mean these these references are both i'm putting in layman's terms contemporary and understandable to all sure yeah zazu pits no reason to say that jesse it's just true she's i just felt like i just felt like i should say out loud that everyone understands these references. And they really help clarify in the way that an analogy is meant to clarify. But Zazu Pitts was often playing kind of like a kind of nervous or incompetent or kind of unsure character. She's very funny in a movie called Dames that has a number of great Busby Berkeley musical numbers in it. But she's probably best remembered now for her one major remembered serious role, which was as the female lead in the movie Greed, the Eric von Stroheim movie that was originally 24 hours long or something like that.

Seems long. And he was able to cut it down to a trim seven or eight hours. And then finally the studio took it from him and they cut it down to I think two hours. And at some point a four-hour recreation was used. They had a lot of stills from scenes that no longer existed and they used text to fill in scenes that weren't there. I remember once they were running this four-hour recreation late one night at Turner Classic Movies and I set up a tape to record it and I was so excited that I could not sleep that night.

I was having so much trouble sleeping, and I kept turning on the TV just to watch minutes of it out of context because I wanted to see this movie so badly. It's a really good movie. Anyway, it's a very close adaptation of the novel McTeague by Frank Norris. For anyone familiar with turn-of-the-century Bay Area writers. But Zazu Pitts, she's probably best remembered now for Cineast from Greed. But she had this long career as kind of like

the kind of comedian who was in the movies that would be on the second half of a double bill. Now let me ask you this. Earlier Jordan said he had a dream about someone named James Cameron. Who's that? Oh boy. Oh boy. How long do you have? Okay, let's take a break.

I'll explain James Cameron to Jesse. On Jordan and Jesse. Okay, Piranha 2. Throughout history, sirens have captured men's attention, enticed men with their feminine wiles, and fulfilled men's primal needs. The siren's allure persists. They have not. Unless the primal need is I need to be smashed on the rocks.

Yeah, smash me. Smash me, mommy. Smash me, mama. Smash me, mommy. The siren'soon why do we do this to ourselves strand me baby strand me baby so yeah this is my brother my brother and me

from maximum fun on mondays it's just like that it's just like that but more of it there's more of that. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. Elliot Kalin, terrible lizard.

What kind of car do you think Superman drives? If you were going to say, Superman driving a car came up in the break. This isn't just out of nowhere. For the listener, we had a fun break. We had a really fun break. It was a good one, yeah. It was at least as good as the segment.

If not better. I said... Let's, yeah. But what kind of horror would you say? It was at least as good as the segment that was before the break. I said... Let's recreate it. I said Kia Niro. Uh-huh. What do you think, Jordan? Oh, um... Super...

Okay, so I mean... So obviously, Superman, the, you know, the Kryptonian... Yeah. ...doesn't need a car. Wait, is there

a different Superman? Well, I guess I'm... What I'm saying is probably Clark Kent. I mean, there's the uber munch that Nietzsche speaks of. Right. I guess Clark Kent probably drives a car. Although, I don't know.

How's the public transit in Metropolis? Metropolis is based roughly on Chicago. So they've got pretty good public transit. But the weather can be tough. Yeah. Oh, it's super windy. And if you're flying, that can be a problem. In the summer or like the depths

of winter. I don't know. If I was Clark Kent, I probably would just, I'd just be get like a Kia Niro or something. Yeah. So all roads lead to the Kia Niro. As far as I'm concerned. You know what I'm going to say? I'm going to say

he's got a soft spot for an old American pickup truck because of his growing up in his small town. Oh, that's a good point. He and Pa Kent probably fixed one up. You think it's the classic Ford F-150? I do. Best-selling truck ever in America?

Mm-hmm. Okay, yeah, I think so. I mean, Superman is Bill Ford tough. Sure. Yeah. In my opinion. But he's a real do-gooder, and he's a little smug about it, so I think he has a Prius. Okay. Oh, yeah. In my opinion. But he's a real do-gooder and he's a little smug about it. So I think he has a Prius. Okay.

Oh, yeah. That's fair. Or he has like a Trivium or whatever. He has one of those. Or Rivium. Rivium. So he's like, I want an electric car, but I don't approve of Elon Musk. And so he had to get one of the other ones.

We know, man. All right. Good for you. I have to agree with everything the head of a company that I buy something from says. They never buy anything. I loved Barbie. I know, Superman. Yeah. I mean, it's good. I know. I know. I says. They never buy anything. I loved Barbie. I know, Superman. Yeah, I mean, it's good.

I know, I know. It's like, I understand. It's great. Black lives do matter. Of course they do, Superman. Yes. You know. How many black friends do you have, Superman?

Well, um, uh, well, uh, does Black Lightning count? I mean, at best, a colleague. I went to the Rivian guy in Santa Monica before I bought my car, my Hyundai. And I was like, I don't know. These Rivians are stupid expensive, but I should see what they're like. But they look like they're stupid expensive. I've never heard of this. Is this an EV made by a big brand?

They were originally, I think, a joint venture of General Motors, I believe, and some other stuff. In that they got super high and they were like, what if we did electric cars, man? That's what's a joint venture. I think they eventually were like fully spun off. I don't remember it exactly, but they're American brand, as you said, an alternative to a Tesla in that sort of category. They're much bigger than Tesla's. Yeah, so there's a pickup truck that's huge. Yeah. And then there's a SUV that's marginally smaller but still also huge. And they're big. They're much bigger than Teslas. The keyword is Rivian. Yeah. Okay. The name of the car? I'm driving this car and I'm thinking, this is kind of a nice car.

It's like, I don't know. It's just fucking stupid money, but I don't know. I haven't bought a car in six or seven years. Maybe I'll just buy an expensive car. I don't know. And I'm talking to this nice man and whatever. And he says, so if you order it now, you'd get it in about nine months.

Like I'm not buying a car that I get nine months from now. No, they're organic cars. The way they make them, it's very Cronenbergian, is they have to impregnate the car mother. It takes nine months for it to come to term. But then at the same time, I was thinking at the same time about driving one of these Ford Broncos. Have you seen these around?

They're like real square. Yeah, I've heard they're really good when you're helping a football player who murdered his wife get away, his ex-wife get away from him, please. There you go. And I thought I'd drive one of these Ford Broncos. You can't even, they won't even let you drive it because they've sold too many. There's like, there's a chip shortage, I hear. Fucking won't even let you drive it.

I had to go to Carvana and drive last year's model. There was a used one at Carvana. Went over there to Carvana. Didn't care for it. Too noisy in the cabin. Bought a Hyundai. But Elliot, what do you, okay, what car does Superman drive? Here's the thing.

I jokingly said it's a Prius or electric car. Oh, that's right. You did. You already gave your answer. But I think, no, but I think. It's Ed Helms' Chevy Bolt. There you go. I think, well, that was what my car was. It was the Chevy Volt. Volt, there's right. You already gave your answer. It's Ed Helms' Chevy Bolt. There you go. Well, that was what my car was.

Chevy Volt. I think he probably does have a secondhand car because, again, he's just a reporter working on a print salary. Times are tough. I think he's probably got a secondhand car, but it's a pretty cool secondhand car. But, Elliot, I'm sorry to interject here. He can make his own diamonds. But he's not going to do that, throw off the entire diamond market. Perfectly good people died in those mines to get those diamonds to the market.

This guy is all about – Superman is all about protecting De Beers' monopoly. There's a scene in the movie Superman Returns, I think it was, the Brandon Roth one, where he is stopping a bank robbery and these bank robbers have this – they have basically an artillery device that they – like you would use to fight on the Western Front in 1917. But they're using it. They're firing it at cops, and Superman goes up and he stops them. And I remember watching it and thinking Superman has nearly godlike power. There are people dying all over the world. Why is he enforcing property laws? Why does Superman give a shit about the banking rule? And I remember watching it and thinking Superman is nearly godlike power. There are people dying all over the world. Why is he enforcing property laws?

Why does Superman give a shit about the banking rule? Like then the bank is FDIC insured. Like I could totally see that someone being like, Superman, they're robbing the bank. And he's like, well, there's a thousand people whose homes are going to be destroyed by a volcano on the other side of the world. I could go do that or I guess I can save your bank some money. I don't think so, dude. And he just goes off and does the other thing. Here's something interesting. But he doesn't do that.

I heard happened recently is they threw up the Superman signal, which is how you get Superman to come. And Superman didn't come and they asked him why. And he said, I've been spending a lot of time on R slash anti-work. So he's just not into it anymore. Yeah, yeah. He's what what slow retiring quite quitting that was the oldest I've ever been

what's the kid thing the kids are doing now slow retiring he comes into the hall of justice a little late the woman's like where have you been he's like oh I told you last week I had a dentist thing oh by the way I have to check out a little early today at what time 2 it's noon You just got here.

That's right. Lunchtime. All right, everybody. Which is literally the schedule at, um, at, uh, which is literally the schedule, uh, that the, that they have in the Emerald City in Wizard of Oz that they sing about. Where, uh, they get up at noon and start to work at one, take an hour for lunch, and then it, oh, no, so we start to,

uh, what is it? Get this right. Get this right, Elliot. I'm so mad. I'm gonna have to sing the whole right. Get this right, Elliot. I'm so mad. I'm going to have to sing the whole song. Get this right or you're losing Zazu Pits. He, he, he. A couple of la-di-das. Or tra-la-las first, I think. No, no, there's this. You're shitting the bed on this, dude.

Fuck, I would hate to be you. It's my second place finish on Jeopardy all over again. Hey, folks. We get up at 12 and start to work at 1, take an hour for lunch, and then at 2 we're done. Jolly good fun. That's what they say. If you're listening to this and you have resources for Elliot, please send us an email at jjgoatmaxmoanfund.org. The only resource I want is the lyrics sheet to every song in The Wizard of Oz.

Jordan, I got those fart noises you requested from earlier. Oh, God. Not a moment too soon, Matt. There they are. Yes. Saved the show. Back too soon, Matt. There they are. Yes. Saved the show. Back on track, baby. Okay.

Matt's been, you know, he's been doing while we've been talking, just surfing r slash anti-work. R slash fart. Looking for the perfect, the perfect beaver. the perfect the perfect beaver gotta find the perfect beaver for Jordan Jesse Go he's got just one weekend to find the perfect beaver in Weekend at Beaver's

anyway my bosses are two asshole podcasters who say I should find the perfect beaver Anyway, here's a photo of a dragon fucking a car Whoops, wrong subreddit When something momentous happens to you call us at 206-984-4FUN

or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org Here's a momentous occasion Hello Jordan, Jesse, Matt and whoever your wonderful guest is today. It's Elliot. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. I recently took the RADS-R exam and just got my results back.

Wait, go back. What exam did he take now? I recently took the RADS-R exam. Oh, the RADS-R exam. I thought he said the RADS-R exam. It said RADS-R blank. Oh, the RADS-R exam. I thought he said the RATS-R exam. It said RATS-R blank. He's feeling what a rat is. I should know this.

I should know this. Come on. I studied for years. You're like, wow, this is weirdly hard. I'm getting like fucking existential vibes right now. It's like I know too much about rats. How do I sum up the totality of this rodent? All I can think about is their teeth.

Should I start with that? Teeth or tail? Teeth or tail? Teeth or tail? What's special about rats? The listeners want to hear his score. Okay. It was his rat, sorry, and you fill in hair metal band? Sorry, you failed. That's rats.

Two Ts. Two Ts. That's the, yeah. I scored a 182. Oh. So that made a lot of things make a lot of sense, such as my podcast obsession. Sure. You guys are amazing. Keep it up, what you're doing. Love you guys.

Have a good one. Love you too. And congratulations to you and all of our listeners taking the rats are. Now, I, so this is going to, I'm only going to dig myself a bigger hole after it took me that long to figure out the lyrics to the song from the Emerald City. Right. What's the rats are in the Wizard of Oz, Elliot? Well, the rats are – well, it's interesting that you ask that because rats in the Wizard of Oz, they don't exist. Oh.

Their place in the evolutionary chain is taken by flying monkeys, which are, of course, the vermin of choice. Interesting. Do they still have voles? Interesting. Voles, yes. They live in vole land. Oh, okay. Actually, now that I think about it, in the Oz books,

there's a lot of talking animals. Frank O'Bomb really cranked those out, didn't he? There's a lot. And by a certain point, they just become puns. So they go to a place called Bunbury where everyone is a living pastry. And they're like, let's take you over to the H. Parker Rolls house. And this, of course, is G. Cracker. The G stands for Graham.

And it's like, I get it. Yeah, they're all. Sorry if my conversation is a little stale. She goes to Utensia where they're all living utensils. It's like, let's stir things up. Well, Mr. Spoon, hold on. It's like, oh, come on. Elliot, I have a quick question.

Yeah. How and why do you know this shit? This is the stuff I'm interested in, you know? Was it a thing where he, you know? My younger son got very into comic book adaptations of the Oz books. Oh, those comic book adaptations of the Oz books are fun. There's a series from Marvel that Eric Shanor wrote and, oh, why am I forgetting his name? Who did the art?

I'm forgetting. But it's a really good series of adaptations of the first like eight Oz books. Well, there was a time when Gracie was obsessed with Oz. Yeah. And I had to watch an Oz movie. Return to Oz? No. That's the scary one.

I saw Return to Oz, which had terrified me as a child, and I was pretty into it as an adult. I really enjoyed it. It was a lot better than I expected it to be. I feel like it is not a bad movie, but it's not a good kids movie. No, that's correct. That's correct all around. When it came out, Neil Gaiman was reviewing fantasy and science fiction movies for magazines or whatever, and he wrote a glowing review of it, and it's like, well, yeah, of course you think it's a great movie,

Mr. Dark Horror Fantasy, like with a little bit of twee on the side. Come on. Married to the star of this movie. Isn't he? Isn't he married to her? Oh, I don't think I know who. To Farooza Balk.

Yeah. Who's Farooza Balk married to? I don't believe so. No? Did I make that up? I mean, it wouldn't surprise me in the same way that even though Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are no longer together, I still assume that they are. Sure. Right.

That makes sense. Tim Burton went to marry, are no longer together, I still assume that they are. Sure. Makes sense. Tim Burton went to marry... God damn it. What's the television writer woman who wears the little hats? Oh, the Marvelous Miss Basil woman. Yeah. He married her. He married one of her hats. He's just horny for

ladies in little top hats. Sure, yeah. I like the head to look big. Is this what I sound like? I like it when the head looks big. It's me. People think I directed The Nightmare Before Christmas, but I just produced it.

I love how much he sounds like Vincent Price, which I'm sure is his name. I had my voice altered to sound like my hero who's on all of my shirts. I had my vocal cords tightened, so I would sound more like Mr. Price. Believe it or not, it's me on Thriller. Me, Tim Burton. I wasn't famous at the time.

People had seen my short film, Frankenweenie, and... That was back before the make good movies part of my brain had been surgically removed. I've been phoning it in lately. But apparently all these things are successful. I got so mad when Dumbo came out and in his remake and in the commercials they go, from the mind of Tim Burton. And he's like,

this is a remake of a movie based on a book. So no, this is not from the mind of Tim Burton. Well, I mean, he thought to give Dumbo that little hat. I like it when the elephant's head looks big. He's like, how do we make this elephant sexier? The problem with the first one is you don't

want to fuck the elephants. Someday I'll achieve my dream of having sex with the Notre Dame leprechaun. Matt, did you look up if Neil Gaiman's married to Farooza Ball? I couldn't find any information on that. Do you want me to look up what Tim Burton sounds like? No, no.

He doesn't sound like this. We've got a pretty good reference text right here. Mr. Jordan David Morris. If you have a momentous occasion for us, 206-9844-FUN, or just email us at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. If you have any resources for Tim Burton. If you know a good make good movies part of the brain implant surgeon. He's made very good movies, just not recently.

What movies has he even made recently? I know he got like. He did Dumbo. made recently. I know he got like, he got Dumbo. He did Dumbo. He got like a new carte blanche in Hollywood because the Alice in Wonderland was like monumentally

financially successful. Yes, despite being objectively not good. It's sensitive to me. That's my favorite book of all time. I think it's such a beautiful book. And the idea that you would turn it into a movie where two armies clash and it's like, you've got to come back to Wonderland to save it from an evil person.

And I'm like, this totally misunderstands the point of this story. And then you have Johnny Depp as the Mad Hatter dance, like break dance at the end. You've got to admit one of the all-time great little hat on a big head movie. That's the one where Helena Bonham Carter has an enormous head.

You make the head bigger with CGI! Head not big enough! I mean, that's the one where Helena Bonham Carter has an enormous head. And if you're with a tiny body. You make the head bigger with CGI. Head not big enough. Head not big enough. Now I understand why I've always been attracted to Japanese RPGs. And the, but it's a, so, but he got, yeah, he got carte blanche again to make it. But I, he hasn't done, let's see, he did those. He did like, what, Big Eyes, right?

Was after that, I think. Oh, yeah. I, you know, I, I, I have not seen Big Eyes since theaters. I remember kind of liking that. So-so. Yeah, yeah. That was the one for me. Yeah, yeah. That was the one for me.

And then it was back to the well of either adaptations or remaking old stuff. There was a long time where he had been talked about for the remake of a movie called X the Man with X-Ray Eyes. And I'm like, oh, that would've been great because that's not a good movie but it's got a great premise. It's like, what if a guy had X-Ray Eyes and he could see

ladies underpants? That's how it starts and then he's using it to cheat at gambling but his eyes are getting too powerful. He's seeing through reality to this kind of

darker reality around us where there's kind of Lovecraftian kind of things on the outskirts and at the end of the movie he rips out his own eye. He runs into, by chance, reality around us where there's kind of Lovecraftian kind of things on the outskirts. And at the end of the movie, he rips out his own eye. He runs into, by chance, by bad luck for him, he runs into a revival tent where a preacher is saying, if thine eye offends thee, pluck it out, and he rips out his own eyes. Good idea.

And in Stephen King's book, Danse Macabre, which is a book about horror, he says that the original end line of the movie, that it was considered too scary, was he rips out his own eyes and then yells i can still see and that's the end of it but in the movie it rips out his own eyes and there's a shock shot of him with very fake looking no eyes and then it just cuts to the credits i think but uh but it's a great premise for a movie that he did he at first it's like a cool thing like i can see through your clothes and then it becomes i can't handle this knowledge this is bad what size hats are the hats? Here's the thing. The original movie, there's not that many hats. There's some because it was made in the late 50s, early 60s. So there's some men with hats, but mostly it's like the band, men without hats.

But when Tim Burton made it, you know he'd said it probably in like some Victorian era where everyone's wearing little hats. It's either big heads with little hats or little heads with big hats. I think the late Victorian is when the was wearing little hats. It's either big heads with little hats or little heads with big hats. I think the late Victorian is when the hats got so small. Before that, they wore medium hats. But, yeah, right as it entered the Edwardian period, those hats were tinier than you can fucking imagine.

These were like a – if you're familiar with a half dollar, that's about how big these fucking hats were. People were losing their hats all the time. So that was when scientists first discovered the – this is a scientific principle. This is something in nature, what they call the golden ratio, which is the ratio between hat size and the size of front wheels of bicycles. But as the front wheel of a bicycle gets bigger, a hat gets smaller and vice versa. So you notice that now hats are kind of medium-sized and bicycle wheels are kind of medium-sized, the front wheels at least. I think a big bike wheel is pretty sexy too. Don't make the bike wheels smaller,

the hats will get big, and I don't like that. Let's put, what if we glued some gears to things? And Harry Gilliam is like, oh yeah, let's definitely do that. I went to Toys R Us and bought Helena a big wheel. Excuse me, time to ejaculate. Bye bye. I was asked to leave the store for obvious reasons. excuse me time to ejaculate bye bye I was asked to leave the store for obvious reasons

sometimes I'll go to dodgy games and I'll get ice cream in the little hat and I'll take it home and say Helena I'm feeling frisky look what daddy made I've creamed my hand there my picture is up at the I've creamed my hand. My picture is up at the Dodger Dog stand.

I'm no longer allowed to buy things there. Guys, he doesn't sound like that. I have audio of him. There's no way to tell what he sounds like. I have audio. There's no way to know how he sounds. Records are spotty at best. He's never done an audio interview. Matt did the work.

He's some kind of weird creature again. But, I mean, I love those things. I don't know. It doesn't sound like it. I don't know. It doesn't sound like it. You guys are right. It's similar.

Well, get to the part where he talks about being a sexually attractive to small hats. Well, get to the part where he talks about being a sexually attracted to T-Mall hat. Obviously, Jordan is doing a kind of – Jordan is not looking for a lowercase T truth. He's looking for a capital T truth in representing the voice of Tim Burton. And I think like at the end of the day, if you had, let's say, x-ray eyes and you could see into Tim Burton's soul, what would you see? Oh, I love tiny eyes. Sometimes I have a dream where a borrower runs through the bedroom while we're sleeping

and his hat falls off and lands on Helena's head and I just, I have to change the sheets the next morning. Just the idea of a borrower's hat on a human head. Helena and I dreamed about Willem Dafoe last night. Crushing shrimp with his hands. Each of the shrimp was wearing a little hat. USA!

Now I'm this character. Ed Wynn. Yeah, that's Ed Wynn. I love to laugh. Also, loves little hats, but still. Hold on. I wonder what it would sound like if they met.

Anyway, let's go to break. I'll think about that. And then we'll come back. Matt, find some audio of the famous Tim Burton Edwin Summit. Yeah. We'll be back in just a second. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. Oh, Buddy Hackett's there too!

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. The Legend of Zelda, Tears of the Kingdom. Diablo 4. Final Fantasy 16. Street Fighter 6. Baldur's Gate 3. Starfield. Spider-Man 2.

Master Detective Archives Rain Code for Nintendo Switch? No? Is that just me? It's a huge time for video games. You need somebody to tell you what's good, what's not so good, and what's amazing. I'm Jason Schreier. I'm Maddie Myers. And I'm Kirk

Hamilton. We're the hosts of TripleClick, a video game podcast for anyone who likes games. Find us at MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Bye! It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Elliot Kalin, terrible lizard, both because I love dinosaurs and I'm not good at being a lizard. Elliot, I've been... Too warm-blooded. Exactly. Your blood's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Elliot Kalin, terrible lizard. Both because I love dinosaurs and I'm not good at being a lizard. Elliot, I've been... Too warm-blooded. Exactly. Your blood's too warm. I'm like lying in the sun for a while and I'm like, ooh, too hot. Don't like this. Elliot, I've been enjoying it on the Flophouse. Thank you.

Is there a butt in this? You've been talking less. Finally, Jesus Christ, let Dan talk for once. We need his lively. Okay. I have been enjoying, because typically on the Flophouse, it is a constant churn of the latest and greatest of the not great.

Whether it's failed films or bad films. Those are the main categories of Flophouse films. Very well said. You described it so succinctly when my co-host, Dan McCoy, the longer we do the show, the longer he struggles each episode to define what the show is and what we do on it. Yeah. He, you know, you'll cover the latest movies that are the newest Netflix originals starring Will Smith. Because of the strike, you guys have chosen, I think sensibly, I mean, you and Dan are both WGA members.

Proudly. You've chosen to not promote new films, which I think makes a ton of sense. And so I get to hear you guys summarize The Net, which I had never seen before. I never saw The Net. You're missing out. You're missing out. It's a very fun, dumb movie.

I was glad to hear you, like a big part of the discussion of the movie The Net was just... Not to be confused with the movie Annette, written by Sparks, which is a recent movie and we will not be promoting it. Because Leo Karix, I guess, is a major AMPTP member. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Got it. Is that the original Peaches, the three hosts of the Flophouse, just had a nice sort of side conversation about how winning Sandra Bullock is. And you're like, it's true. She is. It's her secret power. Yeah. It's not a secret.

We all know it. Well, there's something about, so there are actors and stars. I'm going to say stars specifically that you start to take for granted and you like don't bother with them anymore. And you forget – and they still make movies that are successful and like you still think of them as a star. But you don't really care anymore. And you – occasionally you can go back and rewatch the original stuff and you're and you're like oh yeah like that's why this person became a star like i'm really i'm i'm remembering what it was like when sandy bullock i call her sandy because we're not friends at all but i jordan's pretty close with her because jordan's i will say yes as a man who has uh five lines and all about a

flop house movie right you guys have reviewed it on the flop house i think two movies you were in that we reviewed on the Flophouse, right? Oh, no. That was somebody else. I'm sorry. I don't know that I've been in another movie. No, there was somebody else who was in two movies. Oh, I was in Morbius. I was in Morbius.

Yeah, that's right. I forgot you played Morbius. That's right. The living vampire. Yeah. Actually, only in the one. But the – I was like, oh, yeah. Now I remember what it was like when I saw Speed in the theaters.

Yeah. And I was like, who is this? She's like super charismatic, like super charming, and even in the net, a movie that is very dumb and that doesn't give her much to do. She's still got such a like – yeah, there's just something about her that's very – like that draws you in, is very engaging. And you're like, oh, this is – it's like when you – I've never been a big like Julia Roberts fan. But I have to imagine that like you watch a movie like – what's the one she just did with George Clooney that we did on The Flophouse where they don't want their daughter to get married. They're on an island somewhere. It's really dumb.

If you went from – Vacation slip. Something like that. It's called 60 and Horny. Something with paradise in it. I don't know. But Exit to Eden. That's what it is. Anyway, so – that you – if you went back after that and watched Pretty Woman, you'd be like, oh, yeah, that's right.

Oh, yeah. Now I get it again. Yeah. What I was going to mention, we joke about calling her Sandy, but the day that I worked with her, she did come up and introduce herself, and she's like, hi, I'm Sandy. It's great to work with you. And it was gracious and lovely. Hi, I'm Sandy.

Do you have like a towel that I can use to wipe the sand off? Yeah, we were at the beach and that little shower had broke. So yeah. God. Here, for years I've been thinking that she just like considered me a colleague. No, no, I'm so sorry. And wanted to be on casual terms with me. She thought you were a set PA that could handle it.

Towel me off, boy. Do you remember any of your lines from All About Steve? This glue is making me high. What any of your lines from All About Steve? This glue is making me high. What was your character named in All About Steve? My character's name is Protester Winston. Is Winston here with us now? No, he died. He died.

He died. He passed away. He died, yeah. What were the circumstances? Odied, fentanyl. Wow, fentanyl. That is really dark. Much darker than I expected.

No, it's a huge problem. And yeah, it would be really funny if he would come out. But he can't. Say some of his famous lines. And it would have been a fun way to like in the show. But no, he died of fentanyl. You know, a problem that continues in this nation. Let me ask you this.

Is Tim Burton here? He died. Oh, no. Holy cow. terrible what were this what were the circumstances choked on a little hat oh my god well he did it so he was trying to suck i died as i live just suck it on a little hat i regret nothing and he chokes it up on the hat, yeah. So this glue is making me high. So it's literally like when Kramer had one line in a Woody Allen movie in Seinfeld.

These pretzels are making me thirsty. It is kind of like that, but punched up. Yeah, they let me improvise and some of the improvs made it into the movie. Oh, cool. Yeah. Is that how you got a WGA card? Uh, it was, yeah, I was Taft Hartley'd in for that movie. Oh, okay. So, yeah, you know, and, uh.

Thanks to William Howard Taft and Nina Hartley for passing that law through. Yeah, man, the porno they made is hot. Yeah, you'll be surprised at who gets stuck in a bathtub in that one. A great, a great union porno. All the union logos come up afterwards. Right, yes. No animals were harmed in the making of this porno. Yes, and it led to that.

You know that movie's called Unite Here. The start of an unsuccessful acting career. Yeah, that's all right. It's fine. I mean, it's not over yet. You were more successful than most actors. You were in a movie. That's true.

I've never been in a movie. I still get a little check from it every now and then. You got cut out of it. That other movie? And Tim Burton goes, if only this was a little hat instead of a little check. Can't check off to this. What about that movie where you were a bartender that didn't come out for like three years, but then it did?

Oh, yeah, sure. That guy. What movie was that? That was, gosh, what is that called? You're Not You. It is a. It's a confusing title. It's like Elizabeth Banks or something like that.

It is. Oh, gosh. Hilary Swank. Okay. I think in the movie she has ASL. I have actually never seen it. I should watch it. Heir to the Swank porno magazine fortune.

And the director of that went on to direct Chadwick Boseman's last movie. Oh. Anyway, so there you go. That's incredible. Do you think he did that because of the inspiration he got from working with you in that movie that you can't remember the name of? Oh, almost certainly not. There's no fucking way that happened, Jesse. This is going to be a tasteless joke.

Is Chadwick Boseman here with us today? No. He passed away tragically. Oh, that was so sad. He passed away tragically. Oh, that was so sad. He was great. It was really awful. It was such a bad self-own

on the Academy Awards. He was killed by a train derailment and it was a circus train. Clowns were everywhere. Animals were. It was. The year he was

posthumously nominated for Best Actor and they saved that to be the last award in the night thinking he was going to posthumously nominated for best actor and they saved that to be the last award in the night thinking he was going to win

it would be a huge moment for the awards so they did best actor I think after best picture that year and then

Anthony Hopkins won for the father and it ended on and he wasn't there and it was a huge anti-climax and you could tell that they were like

oh I kind of thought Chad McBoseman was going to win it's going to be really really exciting the only mistake the Oscars ever made. Otherwise impeccable.

Impeccable, and everyone has agreed with everything they've done except that. Yeah, Snow White singing with Rob Lowe on stage. Just beautiful. Have you ever seen that one from the 80, whatever, 89 or something? No, probably hasn't aged well. Rob Lowe and Snow White from the movie Snow White? From the Disney film Snow White. Like Bedknobs and Broomsticks style? No, no, but it's a live-action actress playing Snow White. Oh, okay White? From the Disney film Snow White. Like Bedknobs and Broomsticks style?

No, no. But it's a live-action actress playing Snow White. Oh, okay. This was the year when... What size is her hat? Describe the picture. Unfortunately, no hat. Hello, I'm back from hell.

I heard you were good to describe Snow White's hat. He's calling up a sex chat line. Do you have any fentanyl? What are you wearing? Nothing. Not even a hat. No, thank you. Hang up.

Click. And they're still charging me $3.99. I didn't even use the whole minute. Outrageous. Wait, why was Rob Lowe dancing with Snow White? Because Snow White was living a movie Hollywood dream. Can I ask a question? And they were doing a parody of Proud Mary.

Of Proud Mary, the Credence Clearwater revival song? Yes, that became a Tina Turner song, right? Were they doing the Tina Turner style version of it? I don't think so. Which one of them was Tina and which one was Ike? They were just singing. This is poor taste for many reasons. This is bad across the board.

Can I ask a question about... I do remember less about this thing that happened within my lifetime than I remember about Zazu Pitts, someone who I think died before I was born. Elliot, can I ask you one question about Snow White? Sure. Is she over 18? Well, I want to know why you're asking me that question. Oh, because of Rob Lowe.

Oh, I see. I see. Well, there's no romance between the two of them. Okay. Yeah, yeah. I have an idea. Yeah. You guys can shoot it down.

I was worried you were setting up one of those internet clocks that was a countdown to when Snow White turns 18. Like a perfect piece to do for Natalie Portman and things like that. Is your idea that at some point we should finish the show? Because I say no. Nope, never. Oh, no, let's keep going. No, this is the halfway mark, gentlemen. Yeah, this is that moment in a stand-up show

where they go, all right, folks, we've had four great comics, we're halfway through, and you're like, oh, damn it. What? Damn it. God, why did I move to Los Angeles, you say to yourself? So many drop-ins. I could just be.

Sure, it was great when the Dice Man did that 50-minute impromptu drop-in. Sure, yeah. You're like, I could be in Boise right now getting 45 solid minutes of Jimmy Pardo and then going home. That's it. We got a drop-in tonight. Chris Fairbanks is going to do the last half of the podcast. That would be great great that would be fun you know what

if Fairbanks needs to bump me I'll go sure yeah it's fine that's very cool of you I'm only familiar with Douglas Fairbanks

and other silent Hollywood stars whose names are Fairbanks sure amazing Douglas Fairbanks Jr. of course

amazing also great in sound movies great in Prisoner of Zenda so here's my idea. So for the max fun drive every year, sometimes we do special episodes. Jesse, you and I did

Stash Rules Everything Around Me, the Burt Reynolds rewatch podcast. Elliot, you and John Hodgman, you've done a couple of these so far. We did iPodius, which was we watched all of the show iPodius and did episode by episode recaps. so far we did I, Podius which was we watched all of the show I, Claudius and did episode

by episode recaps and then we did a show called Be Podding You which was a mini series where we covered some of the important episodes of The Prisoner another British

mini series I've never seen a Zazu Pitts movie despite you know using her name as a comedy poll all these years

what if we reach our max fund drive goal? I don't know. It's down the street. Yeah. But if it happens, we'll all – have you seen a Zazu Pitts movie, Jesse? I mean, of course I've seen what was the one that you said was her famous one that cinephiles like. Oh, Greed?

Of course I've seen Greed. But which cut? That's the thing. Did you see the restoration or did you see the studio cut? I saw the one with the pictures that the kids drew of what they thought should happen that you said. Yeah, yeah, the Make-A-Wish edition of Greed, yeah. We'll all watch a Zazu Pitts movie. The podcast will be called It's the Pitts.

Wait, hold on. I love it, yeah. Wait, no, Elliot, can you ask me again which version is it? Oh, yeah, which version? I saw, I mean, I've seen Greed. Which version of Greed

did you see? IMAX 3D. Nice. I saw the 4D where your seat shakes and they're throwing Greed at your face the whole time.

Why are they spraying water at me? Well, there's a little water sprayer on the seat. They kind of got to use it. The climax of the movie takes place in Death Valley. They're dying of thirst.

That's the whole point of the movie. Yeah, we know that about Greed. You don't need to explain it to us or the seat. They kind of gotta use it. The climax of the movie takes place in Death Valley. They're dying of thirst. That's the whole point of the movie. Yeah, we know that about Greed. You don't need to explain it to us or the audience. Elliot, I was going on about Frank Norris earlier. They were like, we know, we know. We're familiar with his unfinished trilogy of novels, The Story of the Wheat. You and

the other Flophouse guys are all hilarious. You all are great watchers and talkers and thinkers about movies. It's such a lovely podcast, and everyone should watch it. I mean listen to it. It's so funny, but you know what? You can watch it if you're a fan of the Flophouse. That's true, yeah.

Flop TV is in action. That was not a mistake that I made. No, that was an excellent, excellent. Segway to a plug. Fake faux. Fake faux. Yes. Faux fake. Faux fake. It was a faux fake. Itway to a plug. Fake faux. Fake faux. Yes. Faux fake.

Faux fake. Fake foul. It was a faux fake. It was a faux fake. That's right. Flop TV. I'd love to promote it. It is a monthly live streaming kind of TV version of the Flophouse podcast.

It is roughly an hour long. It's actually more of like a TV show in some ways. If you've been to one of our live shows, you know that we do PowerPoint presentations. We talk about the movie and we take questions from the audience. Here's kind of like a streamlined version of that. There's one presentation, and we're each going to take turns doing presentations. Then we do a summary of a classic flop. What was that?

And then we take Q&As from the audience chat box. So I'll just tell you real quick. Wait, but what was the one that Stu did that was about the Fast and the Furious cars? Oh, that was a presentation he did before a show we did in Boston. Oh, no, that was, yeah, where it was like, he's going to tell you

about each of the, I think he might have did it again another time, where he's going to tell you about each of the characters based on the cars, but he really doesn't know much about cars. And the presentation turns, his mind starts going, and he has kind of a breakdown, and at one point, he sees that the word race car is the same forwards and backwards, and it's more than he can handle he can't comprehend it oh that was one

of the funniest fucking things i was like look at look at stew over here his two co-hosts literally their job for like a decade each was essentially writing comic powerpoint presentations for john stewart and uh fucking stew just blew your asses out of the water. Stewart, he's the funniest. He does one that I love called Top Turts where it's just him

talking about the best turtles like the top five and of course number one is Mata Mata. It's the best turtle but anyway, Flop TV, there's one presentation.

We talk about a classic flop and then we take some Q&As from the audience members. Our last, our August episode, we're doing it once a month for six months in a row. August episode, Beastmaster 2 through the portal of time was super fun. September 9th is our next one at 6 p.m. Pacific time, 9 p.m. Eastern, and that's Cool World. We're going to be talking about Cool World.

Oh, wow. Maybe the – it's like they're like, what if Roger rabbit was sexier and not good and uh some other ones we got coming up in october we're doing a double feature hot dog the movie and hamburger the motion picture uh in november those aren't real movies they are real indeed we're gonna find out what they're about because i don't know i've never seen them i have to say skiing well hot dog it's more about hot dog like the stunts right but hamburger i hamburger, I don't know. Jordan, I don't know if you agree with me. I've seen several Flophouse live shows. I'm always, like, borderline upset that when they do the Q&A, they'll get asked a question like, who's your favorite actor who's Austrian?

And, like, what would you say are your favorite movies of his? And then all three of these fuckers have an answer. It's true. I mean, for that, all of us would probably say Christoph Waltz, but still. Oh, yeah, sure. Yeah, it's definitely like I think that, you know, the Flophouse audience has— And it would be the movie that he made for Quibi that he came on Bullseye to promote. Yeah, exactly, exactly, yeah.

You know, the Flophouse audience has probably some folks in the audience who are maybe getting up there to that microphone to maybe show off a little bit. Oh, for sure. Maybe it's more of a comment, not quite a question. And then it's an excuse to try to impress you guys. So we'll become best friends. With a bomb. And yeah, you guys knock it out of the park every time.

Very impressive. You guys know your moves. I appreciate it. That's what I call movies. I appreciate it. I just want to tell you the rest of the schedule real quick. Very impressive. You guys know your moves. I appreciate it. That's what I call movies. I appreciate it. I'll just want to tell you the rest of the schedule real quick. Oh, please, yes.

November, over the top, maybe the greatest sports movie ever made. December, ballistic, X versus Sever. None of us have seen it. We've got to find out who X and Sever are and why they're ballistic. Yeah. And in January— They're ballistic because somebody used their favorite coffee mug. Yay!

And the final episode of the season, January 6th, of course in commemoration of the almost overthrow of democracy, we'll be talking about Nuki, the second worst movie I've ever seen, the German-South African E.T. ripoff co-production. Wow, Nuki. What's the first worst movie you've ever seen? It's called Slow Bullet. It is a movie about a Vietnam vet having trouble readjusting to regular life that was produced by a Florida video store. Oh my. And it is, there's scenes set in Vietnam

that were clearly shot in a park and you can hear the cars in the background that are just behind the camera that are just driving by. Anyway, so here's the thing. If you go to theflophouse.simpletix.com, you can buy either individual tickets for any of those shows

or a season pass. That is a little bit of a discount. You get all the episodes, and the recordings for the past episodes will remain up through the entire run of the show. So if you miss an episode, you can watch the recording. Don't think, I shouldn't buy the season pass now because I missed some of the episodes. You can watch the recordings. It'll be great. It's very fun.

And so that's – except for September where it's – we're avoiding Labor Day, so it's the second Saturday. Otherwise, it's the first Saturday of each month. We're doing them live, but then the video is up. So if you can't see the show live, just watch the video. So that's theflophouse.simpletix.com for Flop TV. It's been super fun. I'm very – and the reaction from the audience has been great, and I think it's – if it continues to be like this, then we'll probably do another season. Dan already was pitching an idea, a very funny idea for the theme for our next season of movies.

I'll tell you this. If you're interested in supporting organized labor, you want to support striking writers, this is a great way to do it because Elliot and Dan are only podcasters now. Elliot and Dan aren't only podcasters now and also it's a great way to celebrate Stu and his struggles with being too handsome to be that big of a nerd. And too

universally well liked. People like him too much. It's very difficult. Everyone likes him because he's a nice guy. He's very charming. He feels a lot of pressure to continue to be handsome and charming. He needs your money to get himself out of that situation. Yeah. It's very funny how the tables turned

because Dan and I were like, yeah, we're big TV writers. And he's like, I'm a bar owner. I'm struggling through COVID to get this stuff off the ground. And then the tables turned and we're like, we can't work. And he's like, things are fine for bars. You know. If anything, people are drinking more. I'm doing great. And we have a, I do want to mention it for – this is a scoop.

We haven't gotten to announce it on an episode yet. Of ice cream? A scoop of ice cream here, guys. I hope you like pork ripple. It's an ice cream flavor I came up with myself. Try the chunks of pork. They're really good when they're frozen. It is for the listeners in the LA audience.

We're going to be doing a night with two Flophouse live shows at Vidiot's in Eagle Rock, Los Angeles on October 19th. So it's not up on their website yet, I think, but hopefully will be soon. And if it's not on their website still when this episode is coming out, I'll tell you to cut this part. But it should be. Let me ask you this. to cut this part, but it should be. Let me ask you this. Who had a long meeting with the director

of Vidiot's before that joint opened, about six months before that joint opened, and was like, you should get the Flophouse guys in here? Some angel.

Some sweet, sweet angel. Some sweet, beautiful angel. Fucking guy who lives a couple of neighborhoods over. You know what I'm talking about. Well, the plan right now is to do, we're going to do two shows in one night on October

19th. We're going to have about speed two and three men and a baby. That's right. It's a night of numbers between one and four. And it should be really fun. We just oh, yeah, we just are putting that together right now. Cool. Oh, my gosh. That's for your for your Los Angeles area Flophouse listeners. Matt

Lee is our producer on the program. Do we have any update on do we have any update on who, what's his face, is married to? Who Tim Burton is married to? Yeah. Not Tim Burton. Neil Gaiman. Neil Gaiman. Neil Gaiman.

That's right. Neil Gaiman was asked, are you dating Farooza Balk? And he said, no, we're just old friends. And then he said, I'm married to the very lovely Amanda Palmer. Amanda Palmer! The Feruza Balk of music. They divorced last year.

Because of Feruza Balk? Yeah, because of Feruza Balk. Which part of this is real? All of that was real. Everything I just said was real. I only say things that are real. I only do voices that was real. Everything I just said was real. And I only say things that are real. I only do voices that are correct. Yep.

Like Tim Burton. Like a highly accurate Tim Burton voice, yeah. Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Brian Sonny D. Fernandez is our producer emeritus. Our theme music, Love You, by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. We're going to be in London, England, so tell your friends, chumps. Maximumfun.org slash events is where you can find all the tickets.

September 14th. In Fomation. It's going to be really fun. You can come out and see me in Dublin, Ireland as well. That's going to be a lot of fun doing Judge John Hodgman and shit. Barrister. No, barristers are lawyers, are lawyers I guess right? Yeah what are judges? It'd be like Le John Hodgman? They call them Le Judge

See here in America we say Judge but in France it's Le Judge with cheese You guys are going to have cheese on yourselves? Eventually now it's a wig that looks like cheese Are we going to yes and during the outro? Is that what we're doing?

Yes and. Thanks for listening to Jordan and Jessica. We'll talk to you next time. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you