Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Here Today Gone To Maui, with Vince Averill

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

This week, we welcome comedian/podcaster Vince Averill (We Watch Wrestling), to chat about dog park raids, cat allergy medication, capybaras, excess bagels, and more! Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Jordan Morris is doing a book tour for Youth Group! Jordan will be at GalaxyCon August 17th & 18th in San Jose. Come see Jordan on August 24th in Los Angeles at 826 Fest (Free!).Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where!Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. I have two important dog park updates, Jordan. Amazing. I live for these. We've covered the fact that since I bought a dog after Christmas, I have...

An additional dog. an additional dog. An additional dog, yeah. To replace the dead one and bother the almost dead one. I love him a ton. And because he's still got a lot of puppy energy, I pretty much have to take him to the dog park every day. Right. Head out there to that South Paws Adina dog park. We love that pun. Have a lot of fun. Every time. Have a lot of fun. Scans perfectly. Have a lot of fun out there. My first update is that I made best friends today with a great dame named Lola. She's 10 years old. Right. Very beautiful. Had beautiful blue eyes and she loved me just as much as I loved her. Oh my gosh.

So that's my first update. Congratulations, Jesse. People were wondering how it was going with me and a 10-year-old Great Dane named Lola. It's about as old as a Great Dane gets, but she was very spry. The second thing is this. So it helps for context.

The South Paws Adina dog park, like a lot lot of dog parks has a sort of sandy floor. Okay, right like a like a sandy slightly rocky But mostly sandy and the reason for this obviously is that you can't keep the grass alive, right? Because of the piss and shit. Yes, exactly. This is what dogs dogs love Oh, yeah stuff and they'll do it wherever they please. Hey dogs. I hear you. It's my dog's like number one favorite thing to do there. Like he gets there and he's like, oh yeah, let's do this.

Piss, shit, piss, shit, shit. Anyway. So what if this, so the sand like absorbs it or what's- I don't think it's absorbed. I think, I mean, I think in an ideal world, you do it on some sort of, you'd have the dog park beyond some sort of metal grate. You know what I mean? Like... And the piss and shit can fall into the sea.

Yeah, exactly. The dog park is over the sea in this. In this case, yeah, or a storm drain of some kind that vents directly to the sea. Yeah. So that the fish can enjoy the fish. Take that sea. But yeah, no, I think generally speaking, you're either looking at AstroTurf in a fancy dog park,

or like dirt or sand. OK. Sand is going to be your mid-range dog park, I think. Dirt is going to be your lowest end dog park, because it's ill-suited to being a dog park. Okay. Sand is going to be your mid-range dog park, I think. Dirt is going to be your lowest end dog park because it's ill-suited to being a dog park. Sure. That's like where you just fenced in part of a regular park and then everything died. I think the sandy, the sandier surface, the rockier, sandier surface, that's like they brought in some dog park stuff. Okay. You know what I mean? That's why, look, the South Positina dog park

has some shade sales. So that's how you know there's a nice dog park. Especially for summer. Yeah. And hot, hot, hot. And when people bring in little rakes and scoops for the poops, they don't just disappear right away because someone stole them to metal recycle them. Or to use at home, I guess. So that's the context that's necessary for this, is that's what the flooring is. And I'm also, as we've discussed on the show before, I've been working on talking to others in a public place. I, of course, we come in here and we talk almost exclusively

here. I talk to my children, my wife, my co-workers. I don't really talk to anyone else in my life. People that I interview on my NPR interview show. But I don't talk to anyone else, really. I've been trying to talk to people at the dog park. This is great. This is a great goal. Good for your mental health, good for your longevity, good for the world, but not good vibes. with the dog. This is great. This is a great goal. Good for your mental health. Good for your longevity. Good for the world, but not good vibes.

So I was talking to a very nice man. I would guess he was a 50-ish year old guy. Okay. Kind of surfer-y. Yeah. A little bit of like a Gary Busey vibe. Okay, all right. Sure. Maybe had a rough 70s.

The 1970s were active. Like I'm talking about maybe like a peak Busey, not like a current Busey. Right. OK. But not like a current Busey, but like a still able to show up on set Busey type of energy. Just a wild madman energy. Yeah. but also like

chill surfer vibes too, you know what I mean? Yeah. Sort of combo. I'm getting it. And we're just talking about our different dogs. He is actually dog sitting. It wasn't his dog. So, you know, some of the questions that I wanted that you ask people at the dog fair, how old is your dog? He didn't know the answer because he was dog sitting. Sure. It's nice. Get to talk about this dog. How's it going? How's the weather? Anyway, I looked down. He wasn't wearing shoes. Wow. And when I say, Jordan, that he wasn't wearing shoes, I don't mean that he was wearing sandals.

Right. Just barefoot? Just barefoot on the hot piss sand. Oh my gosh. This is a chill dude. That is an amount of chill that I can't even be because I wore sandals once to the dog park accidentally. I just didn't think it through. Here's what happens when you wear sandals to the dog park. There's piss sand in your shoe. Touches your foot. Immediately. Because there are some people who are committed to barefootness, right? Like as a lifestyle, as a principle, maybe... Like the Dalai Lama or something.

Yeah. Or just like someone who thinks it brings you closer to the Earth's magnets? Yeah. Do you think this was that? I think that's about right. Do you think he was trying to get Earth magnet energy up to his feet? Yeah, rare Earth magnet. Uh-huh. Yeah.

Hmm. I think that's right. This guy probably... ...maybe he want... I would say he wanted to make himself immune from disease. Oh, sure, sure. Okay. You know what I mean?

Like a little soil here and there will make me stronger. Sure. God made dirt, dirt don't hurt. Yeah. Dog piss in sand, sand go on foot. That's exactly what was going on. Yes. My mom always said that. Dirt don't hurt. Dirt don't hurt. Dog piss sand, sand on foot. Sand go on foot. Our guest on this week's Jordan Jesse Goh is the co-host of We Watch Wrestling and Monday

Night Beers. He's also a comedian and a member of the band Cross Control, Vince Averill. Hi, Vince. Hi there. Thank you for having me. So nice to meet you. Thank you for wearing full shoes. Yes. Well, I'm so sorry for you to finally have branched out to another human in the public space only to find that they have no concern about ringworm or whatever you get out of the... Yeah. Who knows what don't you get out of there? Yeah. Parasites of some kind.

Is there a foot Giardia? I don't know if there is. This guy has it. Yeah. Vince, am I right in thinking you're a cat guy? Well, my wife and I, we have three cats and one dog. Okay. Yeah. And the, so we're in Eagle Rock. And so there is, there's that dog park in the Eagle Rock dog park that is Astro Turft. Yeah. But when you go over into the park itself, there's just a large grass area between three

baseball fields. That's sort of the unofficial. That's where people are usually hanging out. That's where people let their dogs loose so that they can attack people while they say, he's friendly, don't worry. But there was the time when we were there when- Adopt a submissive posture, it's all you have to do. Submit to the dog, my dog. Raise your coat out.

Make yourself look big. No, that's too big! He's friendly! You're just looking too big! You're not doing exactly what I say! We were there one night. There were two trucks. It was a raid where the parks, they came down the bullhorn like, if you don't have your dog on a leash and the room's scattered.

Wait, did they have like lassoos? I think it was just a show of force. They didn't actually do anything other than just like drive through the area and yell through a bullhorn. Like a shock and awe campaign? It felt like a raid, man. My mom used to, we had a dog named Sonoma who was like an Australian shepherd type dog. And she used to take it to Dolores Park in San Francisco by our house, which was, which is like a big

hillside urban park, like really big, like a, you know, the equivalent of like four square blocks, one square block, big, big blocks. And she would let the dog off leash there. And it was a shepherd. So it would go around the whole park gathering all the people, including, so the main constituencies of Dolores Park are children in the playground area and naked gay guys sunbathing because it's like six blocks from Castro Street. Sonoma would just gather these constituencies together in an act of universal love.

It's really beautiful. And then my mom would get tickets. Like she got several tickets. I remember this vividly from my child. Like we only had Sonoma until I was like seven or something. But I remember vividly my mom getting these tickets and being mad. Like how dare they give me a ticket?

And I remember even as a seven-year-old thinking, well, mom, you let the dog off the leash and it bit the ankles of everyone in the entire park. Well, it tried to gather them like sheep. Do you talk to your dog park mates when you're there? Generally, no. And in fact, my co-host on We Watch Wrestling recently, we were talking about something he was like, well, you sort of give off a intimidating, and I'm like, well, I've sort of cultivated that. I don't... Right, you're always sharpening that knife.

Yeah, not super effusive out there in the public space either. But usually, I let my wife handle the... The chit chat. Yeah, the palm my wife handle the, you know, the- The chit chat. Yeah, the palm greasing and the baby kissing and that. I'll just hang back and make sure the dog doesn't do anything it's not supposed to. That's going to be the number one dog park if you want to see Elliot Kalin from the Flophouse. And I do.

They have a dog? No. Okay. But he might just be walking by. Yeah, he's got children. They spend a lot of time at that park, I think. Sounds like fun. Yeah. But we got a few cats over there too, Georgia. I actually have to take medicine to live with the cats, but when I came on the scene, the cats were already grandfathered in. But I've come to enjoy the cats. I have to fight the cats. I need strength to fight them.

I remember the first doctor I went to, he was like, just get rid of the cats. Wow. Hold on. I don't think you understand what I'm saying here. I went to, he's like, just get rid of the cats. And I'm like, hold on, I don't think you understand what I'm saying here. I'm not a pet guy. I'm trying to figure out how to alleviate my congestion, not break up with my girl, you know? What's the medicine? Is it intrusive at all?

Does it make you feel weird? No, I mean, I'm sure eventually it may play some role in my demise, but it's like it's an inhaler that I take like once in the morning and once in the evening and I just don't have any symptoms anymore. Oh, that's lovely. Yeah. But I don't know, some of that I think is after you're around the same animal for a

long time, I think it goes kind of away too. So I don't know how much we can blame on the inhaler at this point. I'm just going to clarify. When Jordan asked if the medication is intrusive at all, does it ask personal questions? Right, yeah. Or, yeah. Does it always need a ride?

Is it wondering if you chose not to have kids or? Yeah. It's not driving a rift between me and my wife. I know that. But I do concern myself with it. I know every time I go to the doctor- You don't worry that she's cheating with the inhaler. It's not really the right shape or size. But I think more than that, I just concern myself

with any medicine that you just have to take every day in perpetuity, right? You're just like, I suppose this is okay. But eventually they'll probably be an ad like you see for mesothelioma or some shit, you know, or have you taken this thing? But... This is, by the way, an asbestos inhaler. Have you taken this? Yeah.

Did you do it at Camp Lejeune or whatever? I don't know, but I just think, yeah, but it's working for me. Was there an option to get like a steadily increasing series of cat injections? Well, I've already getting that at home. to get like a steadily increasing series of cat injections? Well, I'm already getting that at home. There's no two ways around the amount of cat interaction or claws in the skin and that. So on some level, yeah, that is happening. Not at the doctor, but... My wife texted me three days ago, the babysitter is fostering a five-week-old cat. It's a hypoallergenic breed, which I

don't think is probably a real thing. I know that I have a sibling who loves cats and is allergic to cats, and they got two of those no-hair cats. Oh, yeah. Which are pretty great. They're wacky. They're wacky. They're wacky creatures. They're very loving. Yeah. I thought you meant younger siblings. Yes.

Yeah, those wacky younger siblings. They are pretty wacky to be fair. You've met them. Sure. But anyway, my wife texts me. She says, maybe we should adopt this cat because Frankie, my youngest child, my seven-year-old, the one that I went to the Anime expo with, they are cat obsessed and have always been.

Oh, I didn't know that. Yeah, they used to claim to be half cat. Okay. They've eased off on that claim in recent years, but like, yeah, just have always wanted to have a cat. And my main concern, I mean, like I already clean up plenty of poop. That just feels like it would just, it's already at 100% poop. There's no more.

Sure. You know what I mean? Like I have others poop in my life, so I'm dead, so it's fine kind of thing. But I'm worried about like my furniture and stuff. Sure. Yeah. Your vomit's going gonna shoot through the roof with a car That's right. Yeah, you have to vomit ratings are gonna. Yeah. Yeah, but the other thing too is like, you know, your turds now I'm guessing are pretty much out of doors and these are gonna exist in a box inside of your house somewhere turds until you Grab them out of there. But I'm really careful. Like I dig a hole and

then I bury my turns. Now. Right. Yeah. I mean, you have to do away with them somehow. But yeah, I think so. I mean, you got a second dog to sort of for some idea of the other dog or you just wanted to say no. I what happened is my oldest dog, I have now one living very old dog, but my oldest dog passed away. She was my special best friend. I love our other dog too, our other old dog, but the one that died was my special best friend. Yeah.

And I wasn't going to get a new one, but I think my wife just got tired of me being so depressed. Ah, okay. I think she knew that... Can we put on something other than the Smiths, Jesse? Can we listen to something other than this? My wife is always of the idea, like at any moment she's down to add another animal and there's always some sort of, well, what it'll do is it will create the relationship between, you know, there's always some plan around-

Aaron Ross Powell So like logic, like it'll balance out with this animal will become easier to deal with because this animal will do the- yeah, I'm a one animal fella. But I know this logic. People tell it to me all the time. Nat Fassbender I have to constantly, you know, like Georgia had this cat that was her special friend for years and years, Elvis, the Siamese. And when he passed away, that took away my- for the whole years, Elvis, the Siamese. And when he passed away, that took away my... For the whole time we were together, I was like, we can't get a dog.

Nat. By the way, have you guys ever had dinner at Siamese, Elvis? David. It's great. Nat. Anyway, so I lost my argument of like, we can't get a dog. Elvis is the master of the house and a dog will only serve to... So once he left, then I didn't have anything, an argument anymore about why we couldn't have the dog. But she's always looking for another animal. It feels like all of her algorithm is just adoptable animals that I have to be like... Jared Ranere Do you think you're going at some point outside dog cat? Do you think like

ferret might happen? iguana might happen. Tortoise, tortoise. I think all things are- Bats, bats, bats, bats. Get a bunch of bats. Yeah, I mean, it really just depends on what pops up on Instagram for her, I think, what could happen. She's definitely into some bird videos lately. Okay, okay. I really don't know, but yeah, so we'll cross that bridge.

I have been trying to find caybaras that I can pet. If anybody out there in the Jordan, Jesse, Go! listenership has a lead on some capybaras I can pet. That's a pretty safe bet. I would think so, right? You would think so. What's the word you're saying? Capybara.

It's a South American giant river rodent. Oh, all right, fair enough. But they're really cute. They look sort of like a cross between guinea pigs and actual pigs. Oh, or like a wombat a little bit like a wombat. Okay. And they kick it in the river. Yeah, they could they love swimming. Oh my god, it's so cute. And they're giant. They're the world's largest rodent. Oh, but they need things to chew or their teeth will grow too long. Yeah. Are they like illegal? Is it like a ferret

thing where in some states you can just have a capybara in the above ground pool? But I mean, there are states with no laws. So those are going to be your main, you know, your Montana's. Sure. Right. Like in Montana, the only law is that you have to go at least 90 on the freeway. Nevada seems like it'd be a capybara state.

Yeah. sure. Nevada seems like it'd be a capybara state. Yeah, so I, I happen to know for a fact that our friend Jennifer Marmer, the producer of Judge John Hodgman, before she worked at Maximum Fund, worked in college radio promotions and tour management for indie rock bands. And she worked with a band called Capybara. And as soon as this topic came up, she sent me a picture of her petting a fucking Capybara. Because Capybara made a video where they sang their song to a bunch of capybaras in Austin, Texas. And she got to be there and pet all the fucking capybaras.

You can have a capybara in Texas. Do you think our friend Lauren Pasternak from college has a capybara? Oh you think our friend Lauren Pasternak from college has a Cappy Bar? Oh, maybe Austin resident Lauren Pasternak. I mean, she's probably got a got a lead on one if she doesn't have one personally. Yeah, it seems likely she probably has at least has access to Richard Linklater's. Feels like if Scarface had had one in the movie, it would be more of a drug dealer thing. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

You have your ball python, your tiger, and your cat. I would love. I would adore. Say hello to my little friend. Yes. He likes to go in the river. He goes, swims in my swimming pool. So the only lead that I have right now

is I was Googling it, searching for it on Reddit and stuff. I'm like, somebody has to have posted an r slash ask Los Angeles, where's the closest capybara I can bet. Now it turns out, there's no capybaras at the Los Angeles Zoo. Which interesting, okay. I fell in love with capybaras looking at them at the San Francisco Zoo as a teen or something. But there's none at the Los Angeles Zoo. Closest capybaras are at the zoo in Santa Barbara, California. Okay. I said to myself, well, it's easy. I'll take the Coast Starlight. Oh, yeah. Head down to Union Station, take the train up to Santa

Barbara, make a nice day trip of going to pet these capybaras. Sounds like fun. Then I figured out that people were just saying they are there are capybaras there You don't get to pet them. You don't even get to feed them fucking eucalyptus leaves or whatever sucks So that was bullshit But I did find one lead which is this somewhere in one of these places where Faded movie stars have ranches. Like movie, like Gary Busy's.

People for whom something has gone wrong. But they still have a lot of money. Yeah, but not, it's precarious. Sure, right, right, right, yeah. Like yeah, these are these places that are 90 minutes to two hours from Los Angeles. And it's really, you're like. In the wrong. And it's really you're like... In the wrong direction.

Yeah, and you're like, oh, all right. Steve Gutenberg lives here, huh? All right. In one of those places, I don't honestly remember which one, there's an otter sanctuary. Okay, okay. Now, this otter sanctuary, like obviously... You ought to go. Thank you.

If you were an otter, like, if you were an ocean otter, well, you would prefer your sanctuary to be in, like, the Monterey Bay area or something, right? If you're a river otter, you'd like to be somewhere where there are river otters. Sure. Not California. And this seems to be a swimming pool in the desert. Right. Is this like a Tiger King where just like a psycho got some otters and they're calling it a sanctuary for tax reasons? I think it is like, yes, 20% to the left of that.

I looked at their website a lot and apparently they have unadvertised capybaras. So if you pay for the otter experience. Oh, and you just say like, I want a happy ending. They'll show you the capybaras in the process of getting to the, like the climax of the whole thing is swimming with otters. But at some point before that when they're showing you around a few people on Reddit indicated that they had been allowed to pet a capybara that happened to be there. There's no information about capybaras on the website. There just

happens to be some capybaras there. This is like a secret menu. It's like an animal style. It's like being in the fireworks store and being like, okay, can I see show me the amity? This is definitely happening in Riverside Yeah Being at the fireworks store and saying can I buy grenades, please? I do feel like a missed opportunity based on your description though If you maybe had brought up copy bar as to your barefoot friend at the dog park You might have hit the shush on you and then waved you over to the treeline Wow

Yeah, I think that's very possible. Next time you see old pissfoot, let him know. Right now I'm trying to decide, so apparently these Otter tours, Otter experience, excuse me, they only open up once a year and then they all sell out right away. And then other than that, you just have to hit refresh constantly in the hopes of a cancellation. It's like getting Pearl Jam tickets. Yeah, it is 100% like getting Pearl Jam tickets. And the other thing is, I think it costs like a thousand dollars.

Wow. What are you talking about? They have this otter ranch or whatever in Diamond Bar or something. It's like a prison camp. Diamond Bar. And then once a year for like one day or is it like a period of time? I don't know. I think maybe it's like once a week.

They let eight people in to swim with the otters. And there's just a little picture of a capybara on the website, but no mention of. There's like an acrostic. If you do. Right, it's a serial killer cipher. It's like finding out who Long Legs is. If you do that, then you can pat a campy barra. Yeah. It says Mr. Conservationist. Yes. I gave you all the clues.

I gave you all the clues. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, like, Yeah, I don't know. I mean, like, my wife got me a, like, maybe two years ago for my birthday, my wife went on Airbnb and got me a visit with some goats. Just a woman in, like, Topanga or something. Just all these places. Where you're going to go for goats. All these Los Angeles places. Did you stay the night with goats or you just went and it was somehow booked through Airbnb, the goats? It was just a wham bam thank you ma'am.

Weird. No, it was an experience. Just say I want them to eat the can and then. Exactly. That's code. That's the code. Instead of using like dice or Ticketmaster or something, they just were selling tickets through the Airbnb. I showed up at this woman's house in the in the middle of fucking nowhere.

And, you know, on a mountainside, as is always the case in the greater Los Angeles area, you're just in a weird desert or a weird mountainside. And you can't tell if these people are in abject poverty or profoundly rich. Either one could be true at any moment. And they live in a weird A-frame, et cetera. I showed up at this woman's house and she basically just handed us some goat treats and a brush, like a goat hairbrush.

She said a lot of people like to brush the goats. She might've just been having us do her chores. Sure. People also love to unclog my toilet. Yeah. And then she said, if you need to use the bathroom, come up here and knock on the sliding door and they're right down there and just make sure not to open both gates at once. You know, I have like one of those dog park type gates, you know what I'm talking about? And we went then, I got to tell you, I don't one of those dog park gates, you know what I'm talking about? And we went then, I got to tell you, I don't know what my wife spent on this, but no amount

of money would have been too much. Wow. Yeah. Like I think, you know, I take on some overtime shifts to pay for this goat pen experience that I had. I'd start three more podcasts. And that's what I'm imagining with these cappy bars and these otters. I mean, you guys can agree there's some appeal to going swimming with some otters too, right? I'm not great in the water. I feel like I might be a little intimidated by the water.

I'm lithe and beautiful in the water, so I think I'd have a lot of fun. Only I hope they wouldn't try and crack my head with a tool. You know those fuckers, right? They love tools. You're surprisingly dangerous on land like a hippopotamus. Exactly. Only I hope they wouldn't try and crack my head with a tool. Yeah, but you're those fuckers, right? They love tools. You're surprisingly dangerous on land like a hippopotamus. Exactly. I'll charge you. Yeah. I kill more people a year than lions. It's true. Me, Jordan. Vince, you didn't know that about Jordan because we're new friends.

I'm just finding this out now. Yeah. Yeah, I'm an interesting guy. What Vince, what animal would you most like to pet that you've never pet before? Oh um Wow, I think This is not something I have at the ready. Maybe you got a fucking tiger on your shirt I do have a tie I don't want to mess with any because I feel like the tiger would sense the fear in me immediately It's a bad thing. Yeah, um, I think maybe maybe a camel. Oh I think those are kind of inherently a little mean but I'd like to just try to be like it's cool, man

If you need to spit at me like that's that's your prerogative, but just see what it feels like, you know You know what? I'd like to do kind of feel up its humps. Oh, yeah Yeah, I don't ride on it though. Cuz as soon as you see somebody on one, then I feel bad I immediately feel bad for the camel. Oh transport someone. I bet you felt bad for the person riding because it seems so bumpy. Well, it's bad for everybody. It does seem bumpy. But I just want to see what that what the side of that camel feels like. Yeah. You ever see one of those camel races?

I have a lot of fun. Fucking unbelievable. Look at those camels go faster than you'd think. They don't even seem like they should be real animals and you can ride and race them. Yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah, you can't ride and you can ride and race them. Yeah, it's fucked up. Yeah, you can't ride and you can't climb on top of a Celio camp. Sure.

It's one of those animals you can't just picture being in the wild. Like you would just run into a handful of camels kicking it somewhere, you know? It doesn't seem like that's the kind of- You're like, this is almost a dinosaur. Other than this fur, this is almost a dinosaur. The only ones alive are under human control somehow. They don't just have a wild pack of camels anywhere. I could be wrong. If you told me, if there was a new one of those dinosaur

shows on PBS, and you know how when they figured out dinosaurs might be warm-blooded or all that kind of stuff? If they just said, we're putting out a new series of natures about dinosaurs, we found out that camels are dinosaurs, or that tyrannosaurus are actually camels. Right. I don't believe either of those 100%. I'm like, is this narrated by Sigourney Weaver? That I'm in.

Yeah. Sir Richard Attenborough says. Oh, he's good too. says. He's good too. Yeah. He's good too. OK, let's take a quick break. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessi Goh. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you,

love you, love you, love you, love you, love you. Every episode of Jordan Jessi Goh is, of course course supported by the members of Maximum Fund. Thank you members of Maximum Fund. I want to mention this week Jordan by the way that I am headed out on tour with our friend John Hodgman. Oh my gosh, the Judge John Hodgman podcast live in your town. Our mutual co-host John Hodgman. That's right.

You do a weekly podcast with him and I do a yearly podcast with him. Yeah, Shooting the Breeze, the cheese talk show. Thank God for that. I've thought of some things in my life. I was gonna say a lot of things, but some things, not a ton. That's definitely the best thought I ever had.

Shooting the Breeze? Yeah, it was just, hey, Jordan and John were both cheese mongers. I'll say recently we did a spin-off show, Hamming It Up, where we ate deviled ham. How is that? It was really fun. The deviled ham was really bad.

But you can watch that on the Max Fun YouTube channel. It was really fun. Oh, that sounds nice. Hamming It Up. Road Court is the name of our tour. It is Roadhouse themed. Amazing. I don't know if we will be doing Roadhouse themed content

at the show. The branding is Roadhouse themed. Amazing. I don't know if we will be doing Roadhouse themed content at the show. The branding is Roadhouse themed. We will have cool Roadhouse-like t-shirts. If you go to maximumfun.org slash events, you can see the Roadhouse graphic. It is a really cool Roadhouse themed Judge John Hodgman graphic. What are the lucky towns you'll be going to?

Oh, we're going to New York City September 11th, and then we are going across the nation. So we're talking about Philadelphia, Washington DC, Pittsburgh, Ann Arbor, that's already sold out. Madison, Wisconsin, St. Paul, Minnesota, Burlington, Vermont, that's a new one. Portland, Maine, a classic. Turner's Falls, Massachusetts, that's Western Mass. Brookline, Massachusetts, we're going to be playing in a movie theater that John Hodgman worked in as a teenager. Heck yeah. We are going to be in Seattle, Portland, Vancouver,

and Los Angeles in January. And of course, you and I will be opening for the show in Los Angeles. Oh, yeah. Come out to that. It's going to be really fun. But all those dates and all the tickets are at maximumfund.org slash events. We also look, I'm not going to be really fun. But all those dates and all the tickets are at maximum fun dot org slash events. We also look

I'm not going to say whether we're going to do a show in San Francisco, but let's just say there's an event in San Francisco in January that we may be doing. Okay, we may. We're not the ones who announce that we're not the ones who announce that but if you're in San Francisco, don't get too worried. Anyway, it is going to be a really great time the judge on if you're not already a Judge John Hodgman listener, maybe you just know John from the TV or whatever, you don't have to be. It is a real fully featured comedy show with live people from your community airing their grievances, us calling on people from the audience and settling their grievances, us singing songs, possibly some presentation, some PowerPoint-based humor. Ooh. That's a new innovation. OK, OK, all right.

And some PowerPoint-based humor. We did a History of Justice in the American West last time. It's just a real good time. I think you can take your mom. You can take your kids. Absolutely, absolutely. We don't really swear. It's a real fun time, so get out to those shows.

At maximumfun.org slash events is where all of those dates are. And hey, I'll be on the road a little bit too, doing some live stuff in support of Youth Group, the new graphic novel from me and Bowen McGurdy. On August 16th through 18th, I'll be at a little tiny table at GalaxyCon in San Jose. That's right.

I'll be out there on Artist's Alley, hanging out, selling books, signing books. So yeah, if you're at GalaxyCon, come find me. You're gonna take a second to go visit the Tech Museum of Innovation? You know I am, baby. You can't keep me away from that shit. Yeah. And on August 24th, I will be here in LA at the anniversary party for 826LA. They're a great nonprofit that does writing classes and tutoring for kids who need them. And that's with our friend, Brea Grant, right?

Brea Grant, yeah, me and Brea Grant are gonna be talking about making graphic novels and we're gonna give you a presentation on how to pitch your own graphic novel. And we're gonna be out there talking, goofing around, signing books. It's all in support of a great nonprofit. 826LA.org is where you can go, free for everybody,

but if you pre-register, you'll make sure to get a seat. 826la.org is where you can go. Free for everybody, but if you pre-register, you'll make sure to get a seat. 826la.org. And hey, when you got that show, maybe you kick a few bucks for charity. Teaching about books to children. Yeah, it's a great cause, and if you buy, Brea and I will both be signing books there. If you buy the books, all the money goes back to the center. Does Brea write fucking graphic novels too? Yeah, Bria has a great-

What fucking job doesn't she have? She's got them all. She's great at it too. Oh my God. Yeah. It's outrageous. Mm-hmm. Multi-hyphenate if there ever was one.

Graphic novel writer, film director, scream queen. She does it all. Oh my gosh. Podcast host. Podcast host, yeah, that too. That's cool, that's it. Let's go with that one. Okay, anyway, maximumfun.org slash events. Get out to GalaxyCon in San Jose and to this 826 event in LA. We'll post about those on our social medias and stuff, so make

sure and follow us there. We do have this new Jordan Jesse Goh Instagram that's been going great. That is at jordanjessegopod on Instagram. Jordan is at Jordan Jesse Go Pod on Instagram. Jordan is at Jordan David Morris and I am at Jesse Thorne, very famous and we have all been posting like mad people. Jordan, you're going to want to get up in my stories today so you can see the dog that I met at the flea market that looks exactly like my dog, Junior. Oh man, let me at those stories. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Vince Averill, here today. It's true. Gone to Maui. Boris Boyd Detective. Vince Averill here today.

It's true. Gone to Maui. Is that like a t-shirt that you can get? Yeah, absolutely. Here today, Gone to Maui. Man, I would love that shirt. You got it. Oh, by the way, Costco update?

Oh, yeah, please. Well, Vince, just so you know, I'm the cover boy of the latest issue of Costco Connection. Oh, wow. Wait, Cover Boy? Cover? Technically, it's a picture of a microphone, but it's implied that I'm the one talking into the microphone because I'm one of the subjects of the article. That's fine. You could say Cover Boy to that. The classic microphone and earphones combo on the cover of this month's Costco Connection. But anyway, two big Costco things happened to me. One

is I bought an entire banana cream pie. And this thing is like a large pizza, roughly. Holy smokes. That sounds like a pretty big pie. Yeah. I think I can eat it. Sure. Yeah, I think you can too. I believe in you. How long have you had it so far? Yeah, I think I can eat it. Sure, yeah, I think you can too. I believe in you. How long have you had it so far? On day three. Okay.

I've eaten about 60%. All right. You know, pretty good. I think I can do it. So you should have a weekly pie. I think I should just buy one pie a week and just take it down solo. Hell yeah. Now is this just for you?

Is anybody else in the family eating the pie? Frankie yelled at me for having the temerity to suggest they might even enjoy pie. Okay. I don't know. I don't know. I don't either. What? Gracie's... Sounds like some half cat ass behavior to me. Gracie's been... I know. Gracie's been eating the pie. Okay. My wife has eaten some of the pie, but wheat makes her itchy. Okay. She gets a little itchy when she eats wheat.

So she tries to make it count. So the first slice of pie, that's worth it. But having the same pie again the next day, she's like, I already got to enjoy the pie. I got itchy. I don't want to get itchy again. Sort of, you know. And my middle child has been eating, she's been eating the pie when I when I give it to her. But I'm the primary. I've been eating about two slices a day. Pretty good. Yeah. I'm just trying to do my work. Congratulations. The second thing is, as in that Costco subreddit. Vince, I'm subscribed to the Costco subreddit now. Wow. It's mostly parking lot mishaps. Of which there are many.

Yeah. People who are mad that they couldn't return something, but then everyone else shames them for taking advantage of the return policy because the real hero here is Costco for taking all these returns. And then in this case, there was this one post and it was about, you know, the return policy because the real hero here is Costco for taking all these returns. And then in this case, there was this one post and it was about a sale on tickets to Bora Bora. And now all I want to do is go to Bora Bora.

Oh yeah, buy a flat of them. God, I want to go to Bora Bora so bad. I don't even know where Bora Bora is. Fun to say. Sounds like a place Bugs Bunny would make a wrong turn. Talk about things that I think are probably worth $1,000. Just give tickets to Bora Bora. And also to have a place as exotic as Costco leads you.

Right. All the way to Bora Bora. I'll tell you what I would put in that subreddit though. I went to a Costco and I had a sleeve of everything bagels And they said, you have to buy three. I said, I don't need three. I barely need this sleeve. Did you like take it out of a box? No, it was just like, you know, there's just laying there.

There's just bags of, like you thought, okay, I have my bagels. They were like, no, no, you have to buy three. And I'm like, to leave. So I had to go back and get two other sleeves of bagels in order to be allowed to have the one sleeve. It seemed insane to me. I understand, you know, there's some bookkeeping in place. But first of all, there's no, there's no, there's no bookkeeping in place at Costco. They're just flying by the seat of their pants. It's all cash accounting. Somebody counts at the end of the month, how much money money they have and they hope they have enough to pay everybody

Right, but number two you should have gone with loaves of bread Because you only have to buy two of those that's as a guy who hosts a wrestling podcast Are you are you in like wrestling subreddits? Are you involved in like wrestling discourse online? I try to stay out of it. Jared It can be very tribal, very mean, really constructive, I would imagine. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jared Good job wrestling. I liked it when they wrestled. Pete Slauson Doing group charity projects like the Lions Club, for sure. And it certainly is of that, you know, comic book or any other thing like that where it's like, do you enjoy this? Like, are you, is any part of this like fun for you or are you just like completely angry about all of it, you know? So yeah, I try to, I try to stay off all that as much as possible. Because the internet is, it bums

you out pretty quick. It's true. It can. It can. It can. What's a wrestler that we should know about? A wrestler that you should know about? What's the calendar man of wrestling? That's what we're trying to find out here. The calendar man?

Yeah, calendar man is a Batman villain. Yeah, like what's, is there like an obscure, like, you know, fan favorite weirdo? Is there a guy that dresses up like a lizard with a real live lizard tail, for example? Okay, no, but there is a gentleman named Jack Cartwheel. Uh-huh. Who, uh- Yeah, yeah, okay.

As you might assume. You got what we were fishing for. Incorporates some cartwheels into his maneuvers. You know, you might go like, I'm not sure how that's benefiting the ultimate, you know, punishment that he's trying to deliver, but it looks great. And he like, he's got the, you know, the tassels around the biceps and it's, he's a very good time. Oh, he's got tassels around, for the effect. Yeah, I mean, it's, it's, it's quite, well, I mean, anybody who's doing that many cartwheels, you

know, there's, there's a bit of showmanship behind the brutality. And you can't put the tassels on your ankles cause you're going to trip. No, but you know, sometimes the boots will feature a little, uh, a little boot flare. Sure. So I don't know that he does, but there's certainly people who are, who have a similar, uh, tasseling, but it's, you know, above the ankle, nothing you're going to trip on that. But so Jack cartwheel, That's my, that's my calendar. Does he ever do like a handspring? Oh, he has certainly turned a cartwheel into

a handspring for sure. Yeah. And some other, you know, pretty stunning maneuvers of quite a gymnast. There's not even really room for a cartwheel. You'd be surprised. Yeah. I don't know. I guess you could do, you could do, if you go to the corners, right? If you're cartwheeling toward the corners, I could see you, you know, linking cartwheels. Sure. Cartwheel out of a chute. Right. I mean, he cartwheels as soon as you've got eyes on him, he's into it.

But you can imagine, you know, in sort of modern wrestling, I don't know how much you've seen, but there's a lot of dives out of the ring these days, right? So a lot of times he might cartwheel into a dive out of the ring, for instance, you know? Well, I know that like, you know, social media is a little bit of a wreck these days. It's hard to like get something trending unless it's incendiary, but like, let's try this. Jack Cartwheel, go on JJ Go. Hashtag Jack Cartwheel, go on JJ Go.

Maybe we can make it through the scrum I don't know Can I tell you the truth? Yeah. I'm putting it at 80 20 that our friend Colt Cabana has Jack Cartwheel's email address. Oh he absolutely has Cartwheel's contact. I'm friends with Colt Cabana and I know for a fact that he's close. Let's have them both on. Let's see if we can zoom in with both of them. That's a new goal. I mean, Cole Cabana is the guy who introduced me to El Guerrero Maya. So there you go. Yeah, I would stand to reason. I would have no relationship right now with El Guerrero Maya, the Mayan warrior. Well, hey, it's a momentous occasion when you get Jack Garfield's email address, and it's also a momentous occasion when you call us at 2-0-699-445.

Yeah. Hold on. Someone did that. Before we do... Is Jack Cartwheel racist or anything? Not that I'm aware. OK, great. Not that I'm aware. And I feel like I would know that pretty quickly.

Yeah. I'm at least tuned in enough to find out when people go bad. In a real way. In a real way. How does he feel about vaccines? What bathrooms to use? I'll say there was another guy who is not completely different in presentation from Jack Hartwell named Ninja Mack. And Ninja Mack, I remember- Forward roll Sally.

I was at a show at the Ukraine Culture Center in Hollywood and it was probably, I don't know, 21 or maybe 22, whatever. And I was like, I'm trying to take a picture with him. I'm like, is it okay if I take my mask off to take the photo? He's like, I'm from Texas, man. We never had a mask on in the first place. Okay. I was like, all right, then we good. I get my nutrients from going to the dog park barefoot. Exactly. Okay, when something momentous happens to you, etc., jjcoatmaximumfund.org, 206-984-4FUND,

as with this person. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, Matt, and slash or Stephen Ray Morris. Welcome to the team, buddy. This is Jess. I am calling you from the suburbs of Chicago. More specifically, I am calling you from the floor of the bathroom of the barn that I work at. It is 9.41 p.m.

There is a tornado watch or warning, the bad one. And so I have to be in our tornado shelter, which is the women's bathroom. Also the clothes I was wearing were very, very wet and I was very, very cold. So I put them in the dryer. So now I'm also just sitting on the floor in the bathroom, wrapped in a horse blanket. So, I don't know. I don't think this is what I dreamed of when I was a horse girl as a kid. But anyway, hopefully I'll make it through this. Talk to you guys later. Love you, goodbye. We'll always remember you, Jess.

Jess, 1983 to 2024. She died as she lived wrapped in a horse blanket. That's a coincidence. Thank goodness we live in Southern California. There's no tornadoes, but we do record this show nude wrapped in horse blankets. So that's kind of a funny. I don't think we've ever mentioned that before. That's just because our clothes are so wet.

Right, exactly. Just because our clothes are, I mean, Jordan, we don't have tornado warnings here. That's true. You did see twisters in 4D. That's true. I did see twisters in 4D and there should have been a warning that we might have too much fun. Because I did and I was mad at how much fun I had. Yeah. Shaking all around. That's our first natural disaster momentous occasion, wouldn't you say? Oh, I don't know. Gosh. Yeah.

You'd think that we'd be doing the show so long we would have gotten more of them. But no, maybe that is. I would like. We want to hear more. Are you? Is your house collapsing? Are your are your fields aflame? Sure. Has a flood separated you from your family? There was that big talk of locusts earlier in the year, but that kind of petered out. Call us mid swarm. The 4D, is that a little water in there? You get wet? Let me tell you about this 4D, pal. Why do you think this guy's wrapped in a horse blanket? Yeah.

Oh, he's just coming from the stand up? I got douche-deer in Deadpool. No, so yeah, there's a couple of 4D movie theaters. There's like one downtown and one in North Hollywood. And yeah, you get shaken all around like crazy. You get sprayed with water. There's like kind of flashes and stuff kind of in the lighting scheme of the theater. It is so it was so much fun and like that

Twisters is the perfect movie for it. Yeah it's it's a blast. I haven't been to a movie since and I might not go. I might never go to another film. Yeah that's what they say the death of cinemas is because Jordan went to see Twisters in 4D and there ain't nothing better than that. Right. I'm out. I nothing better than that. Right. I'm out. I'm out on movies. Yeah.

I would like to see somebody could call in mid-Tembler. What's a Timbler? That's a word that a newspaper uses for earthquake because they already used earthquake in the same paragraph. Interesting. OK, yeah, mid-Tembler. And yeah, I don't think it would disrupt the movie too much.

Call us mid-4D movie. Yeah. Nobody gives a shit. No, whatever. And yeah, I don't think it would disrupt the movie too much. Call us mid 4D movie. Yeah. Nobody gives a shit. No, whatever. My theater was so rowdy. People were just yelling stuff at the screen. I think it just gives you permission to treat it like a ride, in a fun way.

You're like, nothing wet is happening on the screen right now. Why? Oh, someone's pissing on me. I don't care. It's funny that there are just these like theaters that are like constructed for that now, like obviously perfect for summer movies, but like during awards season, like how will they, what will they do during this year's green book? Whatever this year's like middle of the road Oscar movie is, how will they use the shaking in the spray?

Driving Miss Daisy in 4D. Sure, yeah. Whoa! To me, I think the most interesting part of that call, you might go horse blanket. I'm going barn. Okay. I'm going to go with barn because to me, a barn gets swept up into the twister right away, right? Because the boards come apart. That's how barns work, right? And you see the cow spinning. And the bales. There's bales, cow, of course, pee on sand.

Sure, witch on bike. Yeah, it's tornado. Also a little concerning that she wasn't sure which, what's the bad one, watch or warning, living where she does. You need to know that, you know, on the watch is just that these conditions are right. The warning is when you see the funnel cloud. I think that probably what happens is in the Chicago area, they got a lot of real pros

on television who say, who break into the Mama's family reruns sure and And they say we interrupt we interrupt this program with the bad one, right? Yeah, we're not breaking in until it's like the bad one. Yeah mama's family will roll Until we absolutely must tell you take shelter They might preempt one commercial for loom all nott's to let you know about the not bad one, but they're not gonna preempt Mama. Yeah. And her hilarious family. Yeah.

I don't remember her family. I just remember Mama. Yeah, I remember that show existed. I know no other details about it other than it existed and I probably watched 4,000 episodes of it. Yeah, I feel like I watched a lot of Mama's family on television. A lot.

It was maybe a spin-off of the Carol Burnett show or something. It's something like that, yeah. I remember looking it up once and finding out that it had run like, that it had been like half a season on the network and then just got canceled and they were like, fuck it, we're making it for syndication and just made it for syndication for 10 years or whatever.

Probably a good idea. Do you ever watch Wow! Women of Wrestling? No, I have not. I mean, I'm familiar with it, but it's not something that I have watched. There's a couple of different things that I watch on just like, you know, antenna-ass TV. Sure.

Most of them are Family Feud. I love Family Feud. Okay. A couple hours of that on K-Cal 9. Well, let me ask you then real quick, because it feels like Family Feud now, especially in the course of my life, has just become a sexual innuendo program. Yeah, it's really good. It's really good.

And Steve Harvey's like, he can't believe it. It's like he's never seen the show before. Every time. He's like, what would they say? His teeth now get an executive producer credit. That's the other. So I basically just keep my antenna clicker on nine for Family Feud and the occasional background local news.

But on Saturday nights, they start showing, wow, women of wrestling. And every Saturday night, I'm like, I'm gonna check in with the ladies. Yeah? Yeah. It's a good program? I really like it. They gonna check in with the ladies. Yeah? Yeah. It's a good program? I really like it.

They all dress like Mortal Kombat characters. And they're all kind of like versions of Mortal Kombat characters that have like, they've changed probably slightly for legal reasons. It's a real good show. Is this related to WMAC Masters? Oh, what's that? That's a show that when I was in high school, there was a girl that I went to high school with, who I think has come up on this program before because she did a monologue in our in our

introduction to the arts class taken from Double Dragon. Yes, a J.J. Goh legend. Yeah. And she also, of course, wrote an erotic poem about Elvis the Pelvis Stoico that she read in English class. And she was obsessed with this thing called WMAC Masters that I think was like professional wrestling, but martial arts themed. It was like halfway in between Mortal Kombat and professional wrestling. No, this is pretty pro wrestling-y,

hitting with folding chairs, the manager jumps in the ring. Yeah, I haven't really watched wrestling since I was a kid, but tuning into the occasional episode of WOW is a lot of fun. When I went to Mexico City, Colt Cabana and his friend El Guerrero Maya got me some tickets to see the lucha there. Arena Mexico. Yeah. It was fucking great. I'm not a wrestling person at all, but it was so fun. That's my capoeira. I'm actually going to finally go in November, but I've always wanted

to go to- You want to pet the wrestlers. Arena Mexico. And now I'm like, fuck man, you already went to Arena Mexico? Yeah. And it was really great. It was such a great time. You'll just love all these old ladies and small children and their blood lust. But one of the big things going on there, and I wonder if this is a thing that's happening in any of the because I don't think it's a WWE thing, I said WWF, a WWE thing, but I wonder if it's happening in the other outfits, is this thing where there's like a

multi generational wrestling team, where one guy is like 60 and bald, and like a little overweight, a little very soft in the, like it has a 60 year old man's body, but he's still wearing the singlet and everything. And he's the boss of his children and their children. He like points and tells them what to do. And then they have, they have like,

where do the families get feud? Child fights? What are the families? Hatfields and McCoys? Yeah, Hat Hatfield, McCoy. That sounds fun. I wish that that there's nothing like that going on in America. But that is a, you know, the, uh, the Lucha Libre, there's a lot of those like sort of family collections of families that are all involved at the same time. What about the rock and all his family members? Aren't they all wrestlers? Yeah, but never. I mean, there is sort of the bloodline in WWE, which is a group of Samoan wrestlers who are all related, you know, cousins and things, but not that like, you know, not, you know,

Damien 666 and his kid and his kid like you're talking about, you know what I mean? Which is like, that's great. You get the old dude. Yeah. Yeah. The absolute, just absolute wonderful part of this was like the children, I mean, you could see that the children were these men who were 40 and had disappointed their father, right? Like they still work for their dad, but it was clear that their dad, he was the reason that this whole thing was happening. And they were just like, they were all called, you know, he's called El Rojo and they're all just called El Rojo Jr. You know what I mean?

Sure. But like, you can see just these broken 40 year old, emotionally broken, probably physically broken too, but like emotionally broken 40 year old man who just know they'll never be their father. Always be junior. Which is great. And then the younger generation are just going around kind of Yosemite Samming around.

But the dads, when they get in there, they're so old, they can't do anything other than just be so good at being a professional wrestler. Like they can't run or jump or anything other than command the stage. Just these sort of guys that look like long haul truckers, just right on the who like wish they could retire but can't yet. Just going out. That part was magical. I feel like you've also kind of described how some Datelines start, right? Yeah.

Where the son is just like, I'm never going to get out from under this guy's thumb. Yeah. I've got to do what I got to do. Yeah. I think, I don't know if you've watched Dateline Lucha, but it's a great program. You guys want to take a minute to try and get out from under our dad's thumbs and then come back for some more? Joke's on you, my dad's dead. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

I'm Jesse Thorn. I just don't want to leave a mess. This week on Bullseye, Dan Aykroyd talks to me about the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, and his very detailed plans about how he'll spend his afterlife. I think I'm going to roam in a few places. Yes, I'm going to manifest and roam. All that and more on the next Bullseye from MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hello teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace. Because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. ["The Daily Show Theme"] ["La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La La Here today. Gone to Maui. Love it. Who, what's on that, what else is on that shirt? Like a barefoot. A day without a buzz is a day that never was. Man, that's good too. Yeah, I think probably like a drink with a parasol in it and some bare feet. Like up on something, you know what I mean?

Maybe like, I'm thinking like old beachcomber guy tipping some shades at some bikini babes. Yeah, that sounds great too. That would be awesome. God, I wanna go to fucking Bora Bora. Where is it? What do you do there? Who knows? You could get there via Costco.

Oh my God, you just go into Costco with your $800 or whatever and say I wanna go to Bora Bora. I never understand those like, you know, it's like on a little cardboard piece, right? It's like whether it's that or whether it's, you know, sometimes you just see those things like whether it's travel or something there. And I wouldn't have Venetian blinds now.

Exactly. But what do you do with the item when you pick up the little brochure off of the rack? It's like you're buying it. But then what happens? Oh, you're talking about when you buy like the Applebee's gift certificate. No, it's like in Costco specifically, like that Bora Bora trip is like on a,

it's like on a little cardboard thing that you take to the front. So it might be that, or it could be blinds, or it could be an air conditioning unit or something, but I don't know how you turn the piece of cardboard. That's an incredible point of sale fucking upsell is if they get you to buy a ticket to Bora Bora. They're like, oh yeah, whatchamacallit bars. I remember those. Those are great. I'm going to get those. Sure. And oh, Bora Bora, huh? I came in for

stiff jeans and a John Grisham book. Now I'm going to Bora Bora. What's this? What's this? Got to buy fucking three of them though. You got to buy three of them. You got to buy three. How were the bagels? They were fine. I just didn't need that Them as bagels go I well I Trying to think what I did with the other two sleeves I feel like I might have given them away or something because I just knew that I froze the ones I had as it was You know, you gotta be you gotta be careful with those because I heard that your wife's been watching bird videos

Mmm. Oh, dude, who knows who knows what these bagels might bring into your Crowed up. Yeah No crows. Yes. Oh shit. I'm vengeful. I fucking hate crows. It's a running thing on the show our neighbors like a guy who like watches Hawk nests too and that's a you know a point of contention because the hawks and the crows are not down Yeah, yeah, cuz hawks are cool and crows fucking suck. They're the worst. It's wild. They have they hold grudges It's all it's all it's hawks are forgiving Nature's Christ's I think she heard that someone you know got a got a diamond or something from a crow one time

She's waiting on some gifts from these guys, but oh yeah they do give little gifts, right? That's kind of cute. You know what I always say, Jordan? Hawks today, gone to Maui. You always say that. And honestly, I never knew what you were talking about. You would just say it. What happened is initially I was having one of those word migraines. Right. And then I just sort of stuck in my head, so I say it from time to time. Your famous catchphrase.

Yeah. Put that on a shirt, huh? Oxidane going to Matt. Yeah. Can we get that on some tanks? Yeah, get that. With a couple of bare feet and a pina colada? Yeah.

My favorite Jimmy Buffett song, R.I.P. You know your favorite Jimmy Buffett song is I Hate Maths. I think it's Maths Sucks. Oh, Maths Sucks. Maths Sucks. Yeah. Heys Sucks. Maths Sucks. Ha! Yeah, big. Lot of hits from that guy.

Well, Vince, it's been a joy to talk to you. Appreciate that, thank you. Wrestling fans can find you on We Watch Wrestling. That's right. Tell us about your other program. Well, oddly enough, Monday Night Beers is a show that's sort of, it's kind of on hi to set the moment actually, but

it's me and a couple other comics. And we just, originally we would go out on Mondays and have beers. And so we just decided to, during the pandemic, record us hanging out in the way that we would hang out. And so that's what it is. It's not actually beer related. I think sometimes people think we're going to talk about IPAs or something, but it's just a bullshit show. It's not like a high concept program like ours. Right, no. Or it's really driven by the concept. Bullshit show, you say.

We don't have all the carved out segments and things. Yeah, I mean we got some of the best segments in the business. We got Hawk Today Gone to Maui. Hawk Today Gone to Maui. The lady who called in all wet. That's true. Wet lady calls.

Hey, ladies out there, if you're wet, give us a call. Hey, wet ladies. Do you want to see that? I for fun. Any barn dwellers out there. Hey, wet ladies in a barn. Wait a couple of tickets to Monster Truck Month. If you're in a bathroom, call us. Let's hear your shits. Record your shits. Jordan If you're in a bathroom, call us.

Let's hear your shits. Record your shit. Jordan, that's one step too far. I don't think so. No, Jordan, that's one step too far. No. Stop being uptight. Listen to shits with me.

This is what watching Family Feud these days will do to a person. Yeah, it fucked me up. Turn you scatological real quick. That's right. I'm wearing purple suits everywhere I go. I'd watch shits with Steve Harvey. He'd judge them for Christian reasons. Right, sure.

And he'd be like, what are these things? He'd be like, I've never seen these before. What? White people take shits? That's the face he would be making. These white people are out here taking shits? The guy can fucking mug, Jesus, it's amazing. Nobody has ever been able to mug like Steve Harvey. Remember everyone fucking cool in the

gang were on the Titanic paddling that boat in the Kings of Comedy? God, he was mugging up a star. Oh yeah. That was great. Okay. Steven Ray Morris is the producer of the program. Our producer, Emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Brian and I did not go to the baseball game. I'm sorry to hear that. Get well soon, Brian Fernandez. He got, he fell ill. I had to take my stupid fucking kid.

God, what a snooze. I know, God. What could be worse than to take your kid to a ball game? Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to Light in the Attic Records and to The Free Design. You can find us on Instagram. Our Instagram is popping, by the way. Yeah, Stephen Ray Morris doing some fun meme work over there on Insta. Can't believe I get paid for this.

Well, here today, Gone 2 Mally. There you go. We need that on the tank. I really would love that. I really liked, so I posted a thread for only dank memes on the maximum funds I read at maximumfund.reddit.com. There were some really dank memes on there. To me, the dankest one, the first one that I made

Stephen post right away on her Instagram, was one that said, you don't know what full short means because you don't listen to Jordan Jessie Go. I don't know what full short means because I do listen to Jordan Jessie Go. We are not the same. Beautiful meme. Yeah.

Beautiful meme. Anyway, I hope everybody out there has a full short week and we'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jessi Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Maximum fun. A worker-owned network. Of artist-owned shows. Supported. Directly. By you. And thanks for watching.

We'll see you next time. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

Bye. Bye. Bye.