Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Hurt People Herd People, with Blaire Erskine

Episode Date: November 16, 2023

This week the hilarious Blaire Erskine is back talking about mummies, serial killers, and a lizard that does something really bad.Go to ZipRecruiter.com/JJGO to try ZipRecruiter FOR FREEIf you want to take ownership of your health, try AG1 and get a FREE 1-year supply of Vitamin D AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase.Jordan wrote a brand new graphic novel called Youth Group which you can pre-order now from Phantom of the Attic in Pittsburg, PA

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, culture warrior. Oh, really?

Yeah. So in the past, you've sort of been a... I'm gonna go there. So you've been a kind of a live and let live... Right. ...guy, in my my experience in the past. Sure. And I know this podcast is no place to fight the culture wars.

Right. This, of course, is a podcast recapping the classic dramedy Moonlighting. Yeah, exactly. But it didn't run for that long, so we're out of episodes. Sure, yeah. Yeah, we're just going to just doing moonlighting fan fiction now. Eventually we're going to do the Die Hard movies. Right, yeah.

We have a theory that suggests that the Die Hard movies take place in the Moonlightingverse. It's kind of like how all the Pixar movies are supposedly connected. It's kind of tenuous, but a lot of fun. We also have a theory that the word Moonlighting verse should be pronounced moonlighting verse lighting verse um just like jerry lewis used to yell in all his classic movies hey lady moonlighting verse bruce willis i'm sorry we're goofing around but we should we need to fight the culture we need to fight the culture wars okay i just saw something that that that really ground my gears and i'm like i can't stay

silent i have a platform i appreciate you bringing this up and addressing this because as you know i do this entire show for the culture oh well that's great um well now maybe we're we're on the same page great um so this is you know this is this is a little old this is we're on the same page. Great. So this is a little old. We're recording this in mid-November, and this is a Halloween-related culture battle. Okay. But it was the Halloween season, a lot of fun, and I thought I would get in the mood by putting on a Halloween playlist.

Oh, that sounds nice. I thought that'd be a fun way to get in the mood. So, I mean, if you're trying to get into the mood of the spooky season, maybe you get some little tiny candy. Maybe you put on a playlist. Sure. These are great ideas. I opted to not get the little tiny candies that are choking hazard. You're watching your sugar, yeah.

Yeah. Well, I'm watching my choking. Only special occasions. On my cheat day, I get choked. Choke me on my cheat day i get choked choke me on my cheat day anyway matt start printing up the t-shirts you got it matt called tea spring anyway so we're setting the scene you're not eating you are listening to homages of Rock by Houdini. Yeah, well, see, that's kind of what I wanted to get at.

Nightmare on my street. Yeah, so I booted up this playlist, and I could tell they were reaching for things to include on this playlist. You start off with the Monster Mash, everybody's having a good time. Where do you go from there? All of of a sudden you're just playing songs this is an issue that i a concern i have just playing songs with the word monster in the title that aren't about monsters

they're about bad people right yeah um so you know you got you gotta put a spell on you you got i mean they put superstitious in there which is a stretch but it's such a great song, it's hard to deny. Sure, yeah. And some of these, they come up and you're like, oh, well, I don't know if this fits, but I do like this song, so I'm having a good time. And then you got Haunted House of Rock by Houdini, which is great. And Nightmare on My Street by DJ Nguyen, the Fresh Prince. Was that in Nightmare on Elm Street 3 3 I think it was in one of the Nightmare

on Elm Street it's a classic sort of like describing a nightmare sure Elm Street situation I don't think of the plot of the movie I think it's him if if he were right if he had his own yeah so uh so yeah I'm I'm listening to this playlist and and yeah so this is, I'm listening to this playlist. And, yeah, so this is happening. I'm like, well, this doesn't fit. I don't know. Whatever. But I wasn't shocked and insulted. But then a song came up where the inclusion of this song just made me weep for where we're going as a nation. Was it?

Can I? Yeah. The theme from Flipper. No. The TV show Flipper? No, I would never. I mean, again, a weird inclusion.

Yeah, well, because it's monstrous that a beast of the sea could do human-like activities. It would help humans solve crimes. The humans in that situation are the monsters because they are enslaving Flipper.

It's a terrifying grotesquerie. No because they are enslaving Flipper. Grotesquerie. No, not the theme from Flipper. The song that shocked me and made me weep for the culture, Super Freak. Now. Wow. I personally don't think that a very kinky girl, the kind you don't bring home to mother. You would never bring one of these girls home to mother. But I would never call them a monster.

I would never put a song about them on a playlist that features monsters. And I just want to say to all the very kinky girls out there, I don't think you're a monster. No. Even if a certain music streaming service does. Wow. And I would gladly bring you home to mother yeah and uh yeah do you hear that title yeah i am talking to titanium

i'm a big well i was a big title fan but now that i know that they're so sex negative over there on title so kink shaming over there on title their. Their kink shaming is lossless. It's got lossless encoding. Sure. So the compression is really good. It's really good compression. It's really clear kink shaming. Yeah.

They really. I'm sorry I just listened to all my kink shaming on vinyl. I think there's like four songs called Monster that have been hit songs in the last 15 to 20 years. Like four pop songs where I couldn't name who's involved besides Nicki Minaj. And they're all on those playlists

and none of them are about monsters. Sure. I guess you got Fame Monster from Lady Gaga. You got Bad Guy, Billy Idol.

All these turned up and all these were fine. But they're not, they don't have they should be you want them to be about mummies they should be

about fucking mummies yeah or they should be about I mean if they want to get edgy make it about fucking mummies

sure yeah why not oof grab a bandage and find the hole you're tearing the bandages and find the hole. Tearing the bandages. Where's the hole?

Help me out here, mummy. All right. Drill me. Jesse was doing mummy hands for the folks listening. Mummy sounds. But they could hear mummy sounds. Uh-huh. But they could hear the sounds. They couldn't hear the hands. I mean, maybe the quality of it came through in your performance.

Yeah. But I just wanted people to know that you were committed. Yeah. I made a like a face too. Yeah, you did. You did a great job. You were really in character. Thank you.

Yeah. What I did is it was, they say to use an as if. So I said, it's as if I was a mummy who was trying to show his holes so he could get drilled. Hey, mummies, show hole on me. Show us holes on me, mummy. Our guest on the program is shamed by her association with us it's our first time here in the max fun studios we can't believe this is true one of our one of our absolutely favorite guests her okay her field is her is, her genre is satire and her subjects are right wing politics and current events.

She's American stand up video. What are you reading off of? A little website called Wikipedia. Somebody does their research around here. Somebody does their research around here. She's a writer for the Jimmy Kimmel program as well. Blair Erskine. Thank you so much. A lot of people don't do their research around here she's a writer for the jimmy kimmel program as well blare erskine thank you so much a lot of people don't do their research yeah and i go and i find a lot of people don't know where i was born or what my subject is two subjects two subjects

satire and what that was no satire is your genre oh that's my genre. Genre. Genre. Your subjects are right-wing politics and current events. Okay, interesting. Kind of monotonous. Not monotonous. Redundant. Redundant. Redundant. I know words.

Yeah, redundant, redundant, redundant. Redundant, redundant, redundant. Would you say those are your genres? Was that accurate? Or do you think somebody needs to update that Wikipedia? I think, let's see, right-wing politics, current events. Yeah, those are my genres. And just fucking around.

Just fucking around is also one. If we have any Wikipedia editors out there, get on Blair's wiki, add fucking around. You know what? I would say for Jordan, Jesse, go. First of all, if you're a Wikipedia editor out there, first step, make something about us notable. Just find something notable about us. We recapped every episode of Moonlighting and now we're moving on to Moonlighting.

I'm on your Wikipedia, your wiki. I'm on the Jordan Jussie Go wiki, my greatest achievement. Somebody made me a page. But you're a notable alumnus from your high school, aren't you? Yeah, but my high school doesn't have a Wikipedia page. My town, though, I'm under the Wikipedia page. No,, though, I'm under the notable people. Your high school doesn't have a Wikipedia page?

No, we only have like 60 graduating in my class, and 60 in my graduating class. But was it 60 total? 60. Maybe it was like 69. Or they have a new 60 every year? Like a new 60 every year. 69 is fun.

69 is fun. That is fun. I don't think they have a Wikipedia page. You ever tried a 69 with a mummy? Oh, boy. My God. Too dusty. Too dusty. Oh, too dusty. Too dusty.

Well, their organs have been replaced by sawdust, so. Whole new kind of mouth. Yeah. Sure. Yeah. Sure. Let the record reflect that Blair made a concerned face. Why am I saying this? Why am I saying this?

Why am I doing this? You know what you got yourself into. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you guys. I'm playing injured today. Yeah. We did a fun bit out in the lobby where our producer, Matt, asked us. Oh, I missed this. I was in the bathroom.

Oh, okay. Going number one. A great bit happened, which was where Matt asked which side was more bad in a current conflict to me. When I had suggested perhaps that both sides were doing bad things. Now, he said which was more bad. Yes. that both sides were doing bad things. Now, he said which was more bad.

Yes. So I screamed and ran away into the wall and pretended to hit my face by slapping the wall. But I have given myself a... I have bruised my thumb badly. So I guess your side is the worst. I guess I'm the worst. Yeah. We can all unite against a new enemy, Jesse.

Everyone boo Jesse. Boo Jesse. Wrong side. He's getting a boner. Pick a side. Sorry, it's not the booing. I'm just thinking about mummies. I think it's ghost boo, Jesse.

Mummies go, uh. Mummies do whatever you want them to do. No, you're right. Mummy, I'd like to fuck. Mummy, I'd like to fuck. Mummy, I'd like to fuck. Mummies are very sex positive. The most sex positive of the monsters. I thought about something you could have

for your merch store is a coffee mug that says, don't talk to me until I've had my choking. I think people would like that a lot. I think they would too. That could be fun. That could be a lot of fun. We got the mummy,

mummies, I'd like to fuck thing. Don't talk to me until you've choked my coffee. We got a lot of new merch this episode, you guys. Guys, we're rich. We just became rich. Mr. Wonderful. Matt, can you also... Hi, sharks.

Got an idea. Have you ever noticed that coffee mugs aren't funny enough? Matt, can you do me a favor? Can you make us rich from ringtones? Yeah, for sure. For sure. I'll figure that out. Thank you.

Thank you. Matt's on it. Thank God. Don't worry. Matt's on it. Look, you've got network television money. You're not sweating it. Wow.

For me and Jordan. For me and Jordan. You're looking for ringtones? Jordan is an author. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I know. I'm a public radio host.

We got to get on this ringtone money. Sure. Yeah, I know. I'm a public radio host. We got to get out of this ringtone money. Yeah, we basically get college credit. Are people using ringtones still? Beep. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Keep going. Keep going. Is the idea that Matt will record that and that will be the ringtone?

Or are you just giving an example of ringtones? Oh, that's a good idea. Matt, record this. Yeah, go ahead and hit that record button. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, that's a good idea. Matt, record this. Yeah, go ahead and hit that record button. I don't think we can use this. I think John Williams would. I pressed the record button and now it stopped recording. Oh, you had been recording before.

Yeah. Oh, shit. I'm just going to use when you were coming when we were booing you. Okay. when you were coming when we were booing you. Okay. Matt, if it helps,

write to Nokia. Yeah, you got it. Let Nokia know about this. What's their address? Just do it. I'll Google it. Just get them on social media. Add Nokia,

show hole on man. They'll know what that means. Nokia died a long time ago. What's their address? Heaven. Yes. One, two, three, pear What's their address? Heaven. Yes. 1-2-3 Pearly Gates. Care of St. Peter.

I happen to have found their tomb. Oh no. The Nokia tomb. Exhumed Nokia. I still have my Nokia brick. Oh yeah? What do you do with it? Nothing. Snake? I just look at it and I say maybe one day you'll be worth something. Yeah. you do with it? Nothing. Snake? I just look at it and I say, maybe one day you'll be worth something.

Yeah. And I put it back away. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. That's a good savings plan. Never know. The world's going to shit. Is there a world where you can go back and just say, I'm done with these smartphones,

these little hypno screens in our pocket. We all carry these screens in our pocket. To get dopamine from Jeff Bezos. I think we're addicted. I think we might be. There's not a world in which I go back to my Nokia brick. Yeah. Yeah, no.

I don't think it works. Could it, though? Could that be one's primary phone in 2023? Well, unfortunately, they changed the way that you connect to cell towers. Oh. they changed the way that you connect to cell towers. Wow. But, I mean, I think I could fucking Gilligan's Island up some shit for you. Sure, tape it to a coconut.

They're making it harder for people to be serial killers, I think, is the reasoning there. Yeah. We make them upgrade their phones, they won't start killing people. Right. We're all less present, but we are being killed by serial killers less, I guess. Yeah. We're kind of killing ourselves in a way that's beautiful.

What would you say? That's really beautiful. That's a really beautiful way. We're killing ourselves with information. Yeah. And dopamine. I have a question. Love to learn.

I have a question for you guys about serial killers. Sure. Oh, gosh. What are the top 10 things? By the way, great direction for the podcast. This is good. Thank you. Here's what I'm wondering.

What are the 10 things that all serial killers, what are the 10 habits of killing, of serial killing? What are the things that tie serial killers together besides that they all have Nokia brick phones? They hurt animals. They're all into hurting. Yeah, that's what, you know, harming animals as kids, maybe like setting fires. Oh, I thought you said herding animals.

Hurting them. Not getting them together, to hurt them maybe. I think it's going to hurt animals to hurt them more effectively and efficiently. Do you think that sheepdogs might be serial killers? Should we be looking at- I never thought about it, but certainly it would be useful to one. An Australian shepherd maybe? I'm writing this show right now.

I'm writing this show right now. I'm thinking my first thought, this is like a good show that would be like on BritBox. Yeah. It would be called Downward Doggy. Oh, that's better. Yeah, and they're going down. That's what I did with a mummy last night. All right.

So I'm thinking my first thought here is light colored windbreaker type jacket. Okay. Like a stone. Are we talking about serial killers again? Yeah. Okay. Like a stone colored, like maybe a members only jacket. Right.

Or like a deck jacket kind of thing. Yeah. Like a light and it zips and you zip it up. You know what I mean? With that face? That'll give you away. up. You know what I mean? With that face? That'll give you away. Well, I mean, these guys, it turns out, I mean, I've seen enough of these movies. It turns out it's a guy that looks like a serial killer.

That's serial killing. So serial killers are also guys you see waiting in line for like a revival movie theater. Yeah, I think that's true. One, maybe one broken lens in eyeglasses? Yeah, yeah. Not like all the way broken, but like semi-broken. And maybe you see someone break the glasses and he's like, aw, rats, you know?

And then he puts them on and he sees who he wants to kill next. Yep. That's how that works. Oh, yeah. Exactly. Then he puts them on and he sees who he wants to kill next. Yep. That's how that works.

Oh, yeah. Exactly. Well, first he sends his dog out to hurt everybody. To hurt everybody. Well, now that we've effectively identified every serial killer, we can go back to our Nokias. Oh, great. We don't need the cell trackers to track the killers anymore. Right.

Now we know it's that guy. Yeah. He's like maybe waiting in line for a midnight screening of Cobra. Right. And yeah,

we'll just grab him all there. He might be he might be gonna watch a Almodovar marathon. Sure, yeah, absolutely. He could be very classy. Oh, yeah. This guy

this guy this guy loves to tell you about how he likes a little high culture and a little low culture. Yeah. While he's skinning you alive. While he's skinning you alive. And tucking his penis between his legs and doing a little dance, yes. Does a serial killer have his own car? Yes.

Yeah. You gotta. You can't kill with public transit. I don't know. In a transit, in a pedestrian-friendly city, maybe? Where is the serial killer located? That's a great question. I mean, my first thought is Victoria, London.

Okay. But now I'm thinking suburban Cleveland. All right. He has a car then. Very walkable. Yeah. Location, location, location. Is it?

Is it very walkable? He has a car. Very walkable. Location, location, location. Is it? Is it very walkable? Well, if you want to be the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame murderer, you're not going to be able to do it in Cincinnati. Maybe the serial killer is on a scooter, on a bird scooter. Oh, that's a good point.

Or it could be one of the rival brands. Name one. Lime. Yeah, Lime. There we go. Lime. Don't you, don't you pimp me. I forgot. I'll go around the circle and I'll say a scooter and then you say a scooter and then Jesse

and the last one who can't think of any scooters. Scooter, but it's spelled S-C-T-R. I don't know. I don't know. Hello Fresh, do they have scooters now? I don't know. Oat, do they have scooters now? I don't know. Oat milk? Oat milk scooter?

Oat milk bird wheel? What's a scooter? Twinkle? Tinkle? Something like that? He's got a boner again. So I guess you're turned on by trying to think of scooters? I mean, again, I think I opened the show being insulted by kink shaming.

So yeah, I need to give you the same grace that I give all of the very kinky girls, the kind you don't bring home to mother. Yeah. You can bring me home to mother as long as mother's into mummies. As long as mother's a mummy. That's his new scary song. Gail is not a mummy. No, Gail isn't.

Retired nurse. This is why I'll never be Brad. A lot of reasons. You can't play trombone either. One of many reasons. Mother's into mummies. A lot of reasons. You can't play trombone either. One of many reasons. Mother sent the movies. Blair, have you been doing seasonal shit? Did you listen to a Halloween playlist?

Are you getting cinnamon brooms? I'm wearing a sweater. I went to a Halloween party. I did. I went to a Halloween party. How'd it go? It went fine. It was delicious.

They had a lot of food there. I was Lo-fi girl from the lo-fi girl YouTube channel. Cool. Did you have a cat? No, I didn't take my cat, but my husband went and he was a, he was lo-fi boy. You know, there's like a lo-fi boy too. It's her counterpart. I don't know what lo-fi girl is. If I showed you. It's a cat from YouTube? No, it's just that you put this YouTube channel on. It's like lo-fi beats to chill and study to that channel. And I was just that girl. I just wore like a green sweater and a red scarf.

Jessie, this girl, she's a whole mood. Okay. She's got bangs. She's got bangs. And she just sits there and she just writes and writes and writes. She's like an illustration from the video that accompanies the Lo-Fi Beats. Yes. Yeah.

She's kind of in a, you know, Studio Ghibli style. She's got a cat that breathes and moves slightly. And then across the way is an apartment building, and there's a purple window in there, and that's where Synthwave Boy lives. Wow. And that's who my husband was, and he has a dog and plays video games.

There's a lo-fi girl verse? Yeah, there's a lo-fi girl verse. Lo-fi girl voice. Lo-fi girl verse. There is, yeah. All these verses, I'm exhausted. It's crazy, but no one knew who I was. Nobody knew who I was.

Really? And why would they? Do you think you could have had a cat? Do you think you could have brought a cat? No, I had the bangs. I don't want you to bring an actual. I don't mean to say you could bring a cat to a party. I don't think the cat would have done it.

I don't think the cat would have done it. Were you saying lo-fi girl? Yeah. Not the girl from lo-fi beats. I would say that too. And then I would hold up a picture from the channel. So you brought a picture from the channel? Well, my phone. I just had it on my phone

and they'd still be like oh so you're like an anime and then I was like yeah sure I'm like an anime do you think that just I mean I don't mean to like I don't mean to seem like I'm judging your friends or your social circle but do you think you just went to a party where no one knows how to chill yes

I do I very much do yeah good point. I mean, it was a party full of comedy writers. Yeah, these people are extra. They have no chill. They're neurotic. They have no chill. They've never once heard of low-fiber.

They're too busy going to their analyst. And they're emailing. And they're emailing all the time. Emailing with their analysts. Help me. My mommy did something. I'm being judgy today I didn't realize that

this is a safe space I'm sorry no one knew who your costume was it's okay it sounds like a good costume what were you? oh I didn't do a Halloween thing you didn't do a Halloween no I gave out candy

that was fun had some trick or treaters and yeah I talked about this on the show but I went to like an outdoor movie I went to an outdoor movie. What did you see? I Know What You Did Last Summer.

Wow. Guess What Holds Up. That movie? That movie. Yeah, I really liked it. I think that the, yeah, I think that the like scream clones of our youth were actually probably pretty good.

I'll tell you that when my daughter became obsessed with horror films and my wife was forced to watch many of them with my daughter because I would not do it. My wife watched several of the screen movies and I know what she did last summer. And I think she, my wife, a horror movie hater, enjoyed all of them. Yeah. They're good. They're good.

And The Ring. Does your wife like The Ring? There's no way my wife's watching the ring much less ringu i think about the ring all the time is that the the japanese version of the ring the better one i watched smile recently on an airplane what's smile it's a scary movie are you allowed to watch horror movies you shouldn't be i think now you can just watch whatever on a plane. They have a, because you could watch like nudie flicks. What? Stag movies?

Blue films? I'm talking about like Game of Thrones, like the new Game of Thrones was right there in my phone. Yeah, yeah. I mean in my little screen. Set box. Oh sure, someone was watching that Matt Damon King movie

with Adam Driver. You know what I'm talking about? There's a movie where- From like last year. Matt Damon and Adam Driver? Oh, King movie with Adam Driver. You know what I'm talking about? There's a movie where Matt Damon and Adam Driver are both knights. Oh, King movie. I thought Martin Luther King. No, no, Martin Luther King.

The last duel. And Delta doesn't give a shit. You can just watch a montage of plane crashes. They have that. You can bring an HDMI cord and hook up your own porn. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Looks great in that setback. The resolution on those things, you should see how hot the mummies are on the set. I had a flight from Chicago to Austin on the Judge John Hodgman tour. I watched my own colonoscopy. Did you? Live.

Wow. Live? It was on there. Everyone else could watch it. Yeah, my doctor was nice enough to hop on board with me. He said he was interested to see how much Austin had changed since he had been last been there for South by Southwest. People are like, wow,

a lot of options on here. Smile. You don't have a colon anymore. TED Talks? I can watch TED Talks on here? Jesse's colonoscopy? Yeah, they said, well, my colonoscopy was actually part of the TED Talks series that was available there. It was, well, we thought we knew about my colon.

But as it turns out, as it turns out. Blair, I'm curious what you thought of. Why my colonoscopy is a TED Talk, Blair. I'm curious what you thought of Smile. That's one of those movies that I, the trailer really scared me. And I love, I'm nuts what you thought of Smile that's one of those movies that I the trailer really scared me and I love, I'm nuts for this stuff, I love the spooks and the stabs but the trailer really scared me

and I've been scared to watch it. Yeah it's scary I mean it's less scary on a plane, it's really simple, it's just this person smiles at you and then they die and then you're the one with the smile, you know what I mean? Well it doesn't go that quickly, but she just keeps running into a bunch of people

who smile really creepy. Not really creepy, they just smile, and you realize that sometimes smiles is just creepy by themselves. Smiles is just creepy. You know what I think? What? Smiling faces sometimes.

Sure. That's what I think. Smiling faces sometimes. Smiling faces. They show no traces of the evil that lurks within. that's what I think smiling faces sometimes smiling faces they show no traces of the evil that lurks within that's

is this a song lyric yeah what is it this is Jesse's Halloween playlist what are you singing right now I'm gonna put this

on my fucking house yeah if these songs that just happen to have monster in the title can be in the if somebody's

watching you by Hadaway or whoever the guy's called what's the guy I the... If somebody's watching you by Hadaway or whoever the guy's called. What's the guy? I always feel like somebody's watching... That guy was like... That was on there. That song was totally on the Halloween playlist.

It's like Barry Gordy's nephew or something. That's how come he had a career and a hit song that Michael Jackson is the actual singer on. Really? Really? I didn't know that. You didn't know that song? No, I didn't. That's a fun fact. The chorus is Michael Jackson, who did it as a favor to Barry Gordy because it's Barry Gordy's nephew.

Oh, my gosh. Might be Barry Gordy's son. I can't remember. Gosh, I wish we had a producer. That Michael Jackson, such a nice guy. So busy booing me so I can get hard. Yeah, I'll look up whatever you just said. Thank you, Matt. a nice guy. So busy booing me so I can get hard. Yeah, I'll look up whatever you just said.

Thank you, Matt. Thank you, Matthew. Thank you, Matthew. Hey, let's take a quick break. Matt will look up whatever we just said. We'll come back for some more. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. Okay. Let's see.

That feels great. Oh, Matt wins go. Okay. Let's see. Oh, that feels great. Oh, Matt wins again. Sorry. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Of course, every episode of Jordan Jessigo is brought to you by you, the Jordan Jessigo listener. Yes, specifically those of you who are Maximum Fund members who have gone to MaximumFund.org. We thank you. You keep the lights on here.

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And what's great about this is there is no better feeling than this nice scoop going into the jug. You shake the jug up in the morning. It really tastes really good. Yeah, it's tasty. It's really tasty without tasting, without any need to have any, you know, weird stuff that's in a vanilla protein powder scoop.

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Jesse, your nails look great. My mane has been exceptionally lustrous. Flowing, blowing in the breeze, this mane. If you want to take ownership of your health, try AG1 and get a free one-year supply of vitamin D and five free AG1 travel packs with your first purchase. Go to

drinkag1.com slash JJGo. That's drinkag1.com slash JJGo. Check it out. And hey, we're also sponsored this week by our good buddies at Zip Recruiter. We love them.

Can I tell you something? I am filled with gratitude. You know who I'm filled with gratitude for today? For the people. No, Matt. Oh yeah, Matt's great. Me? Matt, the people encompasses Matt. I am a person. That's true. Matt is the people. No, Matt. Oh, yeah. Matt's great. Me? Matt, the people encompasses Matt. I am a person.

That's true. Matt is the people. But yeah, a specific person. I'm grateful today for Matt, who is our producer. He masters our program. He edits our program. He does an amazing job. Matt swooped into our lives when everything was upside down.

He's been whipping ass, and I'm grateful for him. He does great work. Absolutely. It's hard to find somebody like that. It's hard to find people. If your operation is missing a key person, things fall apart. It takes a whole team to make this show, to make any business successful. So if you are hiring, how do you find the best people for your team?

Got to go with the Crute, ZipRecruiter. Yes, the Crute. They've got matching technology that finds qualified candidates for your open roles and you can invite them to apply. Can you imagine how good their technology would be at a dollar store memory game? Oh my God. How good is it matching? It would crush. Yeah. See why so many businesses are thankful for ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter

get a quality candidate within the first day. Go to ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo to try ZipRecruiter for free. That's ZipRecruiter.com slash JJGo. And hey, Jesse, I'm taking a minute to shout out some indie bookstores and comic book stores where people have pre-ordered Youth Group, the upcoming graphic novel for me and Bowen McGurdy. This week, I want to shout out Phantom of the Attic Comics

in Pittsburgh, PA. Phantom of the Attic Comics. They're over there at Phantomantom-attic.com. And a nice listener told me they've pre-ordered their copy of Youth Group, the YA horror comedy there. And, yeah, we love it. I'm always thrilled to hear about anybody who's pre-ordered the book, but especially love it when people patronize those local indies and comic shops. If you want to get them a shout out for the show uh tell me tell me where you've pre-ordered

hit me up on the social media get at us on reddit let us know where you're pre-ordering and uh we'll give them a little love on the show i pre-ordered my copy from globo cam the fictional company from mr show yeah hey you know what as long as you're pre pre-order, listen, any pre-order is a good one. Would I prefer that you went to, you know, Romans or the secret headquarters? Yes, I would have preferred that. But you know what? If you can get it fast and cheap through GloboCam, who am I to tell you not to grab the book? I ordered one for a friend from Soylent Green.

Okay. Well, okay. maybe don't pick the most evil companies in all of fiction. Okay. Don't order from the Weyland-Yutani Corporation or whoever the guys

looking for the unobtainium in Avatar were. Don't order from them. Yeah. Everywhere else is okay, but we prefer that you get your copy of Youth Group

at a local indie or comic book shop. Yeah. Nothing up on the Jumbotron. If you want to get up on the Jumbotron, MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, Hurt people, hurt people. Can I issue a correction? Yeah, then I'll want to get quickly into Rockwell.

Sure, yes. This is all important. It's all equally important. Blair, I did dress up as something for Halloween. I went to a bar dressed as Riverdale Jughead. The Jughead from Riverdale, specifically. All Jugheads are from Riverdale. What is it?

Are there other Jugheads from fucking Cleveland? There's a Jughead-iverse, Jesse. As like the really creepy one? As the like, yeah, the brooding, you know. Yeah, the writerly. Is there like a Bizarro Jughead?

Well, the Jughead from Riverdale, the soapy CW show. That's a, you know, he's his own Jughead. He's horny. He's very horny i thought jughead was a doofus not this jughead he was in a gang for a while a lot of shit happens on riverdale he was in a gang for a while he was um hypnotized by a dungeons and dragons game for a while he and now he's like at this i'm i'm i'm making my way through i'm on season four he's like at this prep school and he's like trying to solve a murder at the prep school this guy's like at this... I'm making my way through. I'm on season four. He's like at this prep school

and he's like trying to solve a murder at the prep school. This guy's like a... All sorts of shit happens on this show. Gang nerd? Yeah, he's a gang nerd. Still likes burgers though. Thank God.

That part of the character is consistent throughout the Jugheadiverse. You know what I would love? I would love if on Riverdale... I haven't seen Riverdale. I understand it uses the characters from the Archie comics. I'd love to see them bring in Mort from Bazooka Joe. Different verse, Jesse.

I know. I'd just like to see Mort from Bazooka Joe come in there. What would they do? What dark thing would they do with that guy whose face is hidden inside a turtleneck? Like publicly jack off? Yeah off probably that's it so rock well it's always whipping it out at the library rock well is the man behind the hit song somebody's watching okay you and uh the chorus is performed by michael jackson and rockwell is the son of Barry Gordy, the famous Motown records. So you're welcome.

Matt, I look that up myself after you. Yeah, but I could have done it. I know that you could have. Matt was buying me heroin on the dark web. OK. I was busy selling ringtones and getting heroin. Hell yeah. Oh, you're selling the ringtones on the dark web? Well, it's the only way

that anyone's ever going to give me heroin. Got it. Blair, what's been your favorite fun fact you've learned on the show? Oh, God. We have a love of lifelong learning. No, and that's what I appreciate about you guys. Thank you.

I've learned that I never thought about having sex with a mummy until tonight. Really? I know I can't stop thinking about it. Would I unwrap or would I just break in? You're more of a Frankenstein type lady. Frankenstein's monster. Okay, thank you. That's what I think.

I can't believe you got that wrong. Well, I mean, I haven't seen it, but I'll take your word for it. I would never fuck Frankenstein the Doctor. That guy is a little creepy. Well, we have fun. When something momentous... It's for yourself. Not having fun.

Speaking of momentous occasions, someone last week guessed me, and it wasn't yet my week. It was Fritz Coleman's week, but they were still almost right. They should get something. Yeah. Well, they should get something. What are you going to give them? I don't know what I'm going to give them yet. I don't know.

I'm still thinking about it. You have a Jimmy Kimmel season 30 crew jacket? Yeah, like a Yeti cup. Ooh. Yeah. Those are great. Wait, you listen to the show? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Those are great. Wait, you listen to the show? Yes.

Yes. Weird. Well, mostly Yev listens to it, and he catches me up on what I need to know. That's your husband. That's what marriage is. Yeah. He gets you posted. Mm-hmm.

He's reading from the Wikipedia. I don't even listen to this show. This guy's a jock of three. He prints his own headphones. Sure. Okay. What were we going to do? Sorry, we-

We were going to play momentous yeah i interrupted i interrupted should we we for a while we had a contest going because a lot of times people will call in and they'll say hi jordan hi jesse hi guest i'm guessing and then they'll guess somebody sometimes it's like you know they're saying nick adams because he's on a lot yeah uh or i think they started to say you because you're on a lot. But if somebody guesses it, we gave out something for a while. Do we want to start this again?

Do we want to start this new prize? Well, it's weird because Matt controls what calls get played. Right. But Matt, you have to promise not to just play the call. So you're saying that if someone gets it right, then we have to send them something? Yeah.

So who does the sending? It would be you sending it. Okay, yeah, then I'll definitely do this fairly. We're never going to hear another one again. No, no, you got it. How about this? You got it, guys. You got it.

Yeah, no, I'll do it. I'll do it. How about this? We'll record a custom cameo. How about this? For whoever. Anybody who gets I have an idea. Okay. Anybody who guesses it, Matt buys a horse off the dark web.

A live. That I can do. And you know what? A horse on heroin. Get a horse. Oh wait, we're talking about actual horse? Get a horse and a horse. It's gonna be a lot of ringtones, guys. A horse on heroin. Are you saying it like a horse?

Or are you saying, that's a lot of ringtones on Mr. Red? Yeah, pretty much. Cool. What about this? Custom cameo. Whoever gets it. We'll record a cameo for them. Yeah.

You know what? We'll record a cameo song for them. Yes. Doesn't have to be word up, but that would be a great choice. We've got a lot of hits. That would be a fun one. Funk Funk is a fun one. More hits than you realize.

Funk Funk is a good one. There's a lot of good cameo songs. You could record a ringtone here. Yeah. 20-year career on cameo. A lot of good hits. What's going on again? Momentous Occasions.

206-9844-FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's a Momentous Occasions, 206-9844-FUN, or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. Here's a Momentous Occasion. Hey, Jordan, Jesse, and guest, hoping Guy Burnham, just because he's cool. Yeah, I'm calling with a Momentous Occasion. I just finished my first full week of running my own restaurant. I got out of the corporate grind in May of this year, cashed out my 401k, and moved back to the middle of nowhere in Michigan to buy a nearly 100-year-old building that was once a co-op that my great-grandpa was the founder on.

And over the years, it's been a a few restaurants and now it's my restaurant and we were open for three weeks but this was the first full five day run of it and we can make a profit this week too which is even greater yeah thanks for

keeping me company while I'm making biscuits and keep up all the keeping me company on making biscuits and keep up all the good work and thanks for all the Pasadena references because I do miss LA sometimes and spent a lot of time around Pasadena so

definitely appreciate those Jordan yeah thanks I make Pasadena references too and I live in Altadena references, too. And I live in Altadena, so... Come on! Hold on, and I need to... Sorry, Blair, go ahead.

I'm mad about something else, but I want to hear about it. I'm pretty sure this man is the antagonist in a Hallmark Christmas movie. I don't think he's a real person. I think he's waiting for the girl to be like, I'm just work, work, work all the time, you know? And he's like, I've opened my father's old restaurant. And we only sell Christmas cookies. We're going to let this happen.

Exactly. Some shady shit's happening. I can't believe this. Sorry. This Yahoo. Strong language. Yahoo. Great commercial.

Love those commercials. It's even better when you do it. Yahoo. It's even better when the great Blair Erskine does it. Were you the original voiceover artist? Blair. Blair. Yes.

Do Fog Dog. What is Fog Dog? Fog Dog. That was a Sporting Goods website. I'm not going to do Fog Dog. I'll do Living Spaces. Hell yeah. I'd love to.

Anyway. Hey, did you get that? Hold on, Jordan. Did you get that, Matt? Yeah, I got living spaces. Thank God. Because my fucking text messages are blowing up from the dark web. People are like, I can't tell if my phone's ringing.

I need something perfect. I need to be reminded of a place I can get an inexpensive credenza. Yeah. I can't believe this Yahoo gave up. You need it. We got it.

Oh, at the sawmill. That's for the people that need the credenza. They get other shit at the living spaces. I don't even know what the credenza is. Sawmills in Walnut Creek.

I can't believe this guy gave up a plum spot in the corporate grind. You're going to do your bit instead of singing a little song from a commercial? Oh, let me take 605 to South Street, Cerritos, Auto Square. I can't believe this Yahoo gave up a plum spot in the corporate grind to go out and make some biscuits and achieve his dream. Oh, I'm kissing my dream. I love you, dream. Show Holon main dream.

Where's the whole dream? Fucking dude could have been fucking power lunches, doing blow at Spago with all his corporate buddies I would love to be there this guy just fucking quits this guy probably you know this guy was in Pasadena too what better dream could there be than to do blow at the

Huntington it's a beautiful place to do blow he's making biscuits in Minnesota right now that That's what he said he was doing. Yeah. There are only one types of biscuits. Wisconsin. There are only one types of biscuits. Yes.

Yes. Blair. How many biscuits can he be making? I don't think he's real. This guy's not real. Do you think he's- This is a fucking AI call, Madsen. That was an AI call.

Is it possible, Blair, that he's English and he's making cookies? No, I think an actor is preparing for a role. There's a bunch of kinds of cookies. This is Jared Leto being method. This is Jared Leto calling in and being like, I just opened up a little bed and breakfast in the Midwest and I hope I meet my lovely late... I'm calling from the

top of the Empire State Building and I've mailed you all a used condom. It's me, Jared Leto. The drone didn't get close enough to his face for me to believe it was actual Jared Leto on the video. You thought it was a false Leto? It could be a false Leto.

It could be. Jay Leno on the world. I would like to see Jay Leno on the Empire State Building. If Jay Leno did it, I'd be 100% behind it. Yeah, me too. Jay Leno, climb the Empire State Building. If Jay Leno did it, I'd be 100% behind it. Yeah, me too. Jay Leno, climb the Empire State Building. He's not doing

anything else right now. What former talk show host would and wouldn't you like to see climb the Empire State Building? Because to me, Jay Leno is an obvious yes. Arsenio Hall, yes. Rosie O'Donnell, yes. Oh yeah, sure. But I'm going to say Ellen DeGeneres, no.

Kilborn, no. Yeah. Geraldo? Drew Barrymore. Geraldo, I'm going to say yes. Yeah, me too. And what I like about this Geraldo choice is it breaks the fiction that was building in people's minds that we only want to see talk show hosts we like climbing the Empire State Building.

Well, I would rather see Geraldo. But I don't like Geraldo, but I think it would be great if he climbed the Empire State Building. Great TV. Great TV. What about Dick Cavett? Sure. Sure. Okay, good.

It would be a more conversational climb up the Empire State Building. Kind of a somewhat intellectual. Sure, yeah. Yeah. Okay, Tom Snyder. Tom Snyder. He came on after Letterman, right? Yeah, he's dead. Then yes. That'd be cool. Yeah, a, Tom Snyder. Tom Snyder. Came on after Letterman, right? Yeah, he's dead.

Then yes. That'd be cool, yeah. Fucking skeleton climbing the Empire State Building. Hell yeah, dude. I'd love to see it. Now, I got to tell you this, and I think this speaks to that same fiction. Craig Ferguson I like. Yes.

But I wouldn't want to see him climbing the Empire State Building. No, I don't want anything to happen to him. That's not fun to me. Yeah, I like. Yes. But I wouldn't want to see him climbing the Empire State Building. No, I don't want anything to happen to him. That's not fun to me. Yeah, I agree with that. You should host a comedy game show. Yeah, I think he'd do a great job. I think he probably does do that. Probably has a public radio show.

Yeah, that's a, yeah. I wonder what, what is Craig Ferguson up to? Let's all go around the horn. What do we think Craig Ferguson's doing? I think he opened up a biscuit restaurant in Minnesota. Mm-hmm.

Making storyteller-y stand-up comedy specials. That's probably, yes, you're probably right. You know? Kind of real good stuff that could probably be

more described or described as humor than comedy. Sure. Yeah. Craig Ferguson, very talented guy. Gotta get him on the pod.

Had a robot friend. We gotta get him on the pod. We got to get him on the pod. He was ahead on the AI stuff. That's right. That's true. I have been asked. I will admit, I have. And I know that AI is a big talking point these days, and people kind of don't know how to feel about it.

I have been asking Matt to generate us some AI calls, just because we get a lot of bumper sticker shit. I would love to listen to an AI call. Yeah. And maybe I'm taking jobs away from normal callers. Right. We're paying the callers? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. The callers make six figures. Wow. Yeah. And you don't even get that. Holy shit. Yeah. Holy shit.

I was wondering why. That doesn't go that far depending on where you live, though. I was wondering why I kept getting Jordan Jesse Go bills. Yeah, that's it. It seemed weird. Every caller makes a yearly salary plus benefits. To make this show. They unionized.

They did, yeah. I said to Jordan, will you pay my automobile bills? Look at that song. So, yeah. So, automobiles? I got that song. So, yeah. So, I think the callers were getting expensive. Yeah. And the calls weren't good. Right.

So, I just had Matt whip us up some AI calls, and I think they're great. Well, let's hear them. Okay. Matt, do we have an AI call? Sure do. Oh, good. Hold on a second. Hello.

This is Matt calling. Okay. And the guest is, I don't know, Blair Erskine? Wow. Oh, my gosh. These things are smart. I'm calling with a momentous occasion. Oh.

Okay. It's not sort of like Matt. It's not. No. The iCalls can answer you. They're superior in that way. Sorry. I was talking to someone else.

Anyways, my momentous occasion is that I just sold some ringtones for heroin. Okay. The iCall kind of just says things we've said on the show. That's how it learns. That's how it learns. It's crazy how it learns. You know what? AI Matt,

can you make... There's a voicemail. Can you make me some biscuits, please? No, no. Do a picture of Barack Obama kissing a Digimon. Biscuits. All different kinds all different kind i gotta go um because i i gotta do some more heroin ai call goodbye bye so that was the call right yeah much better than our normal that was a really cool call and i could tell it wasn't you since you're clean and sober. Yes, that's right.

And they guessed me. That's really exciting. So can you guys send that person a cameo, please? Yeah. Okay. Sure, yeah. And $100,000. Yeah.

All I don't want to make a video or sing a song, so I'm just going to send this carved locket. I'll sing a song because it's been stuck in my head. Can I sing a song? Yeah, go for it. It's my local Hyundai car commercial. Okay, great. Blair, I drive a Hyundai, so this is perfect. Okay, this is from my childhood.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Hyundai. Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Hyundai. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. I guess they repeat the days. Hyundai. Save every day at Coral Gregory Hyundai And it just goes

But they've used that In different markets Is it like a really intense chant? Yes It's not It's not super It's not particularly melodic No

It goes Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday Hyundai It's not like It's not like the fucking Theme song to You know I thought it was

Saved by the bell. I thought you were getting it. It was a parody of like happy days. No. Oh, yeah. It's a happy day. No, no, no. It doesn't sound anything like it.

No, no, no. It's just they're saying the days of the week. I don't know why there are three. Like, it seems like they said too many days. They said too many days. Pursuant to your comment, though, Jordan, Hyundai, what a day. Sure. You know what I mean?

It's a great day. I call it my cheat day. Yeah. What day is it today, asked Asbiglet, who says Hyundai. You know what? Write that down. Pitch it to Kimmel tomorrow. I'm going to go ahead and write it down.

Write that down. Pitch it to Kimmel tomorrow. Writer strikes over. You're making this every day. You can get back in the office. Pitch that to Kimmel tomorrow. Writer strikes over. You're making this every day. You can get back in the office. Pitch that to Kimmel. Tom Hiddleston can do it. I'll be shot on the spot.

Have Tom Hiddleston read it. Have Tom Hiddleston do it. If you can get Hiddleston, have him do the Pooh Bear thing. Okay. About Hyundai's. Who's Piglet? Well, I was thinking Tom Hiddleston would be both. Okay, yeah.

Just spitballing here. Zendaya. Yeah, get Zendaya. They're always together. She'd be a good piglet. Zendaya would be really good. Yeah. And then he proposes, and then he proposes.

Wow. I'm loving this bit. We did it. We did it. I think Kimmel should start doing more Winnie the Pooh fan fiction on the show. Why not? I don't know. Hell, I'm not a show business writer.

That's not either. I can't tell you why he makes these choices, these shitty choices. Okay, you guys. Okay, let's do this. Let's take a break. Let's write up our pitch for Tom Holland. I want to talk to Jimmy Kimmel. Jimmy Kimmel, get your fucking act together.

We want to hear Winnie the Pooh fanfic with Hiddleston on the show. You've been doing this show for 20 years. You know what we want. Deliver it. Thank you. Okay. I think this is really going to help me out. He drew a line in the sand.

Yeah. JK. Jimmy Kimmel stands for Jimmy Kimmel which I'm serious about oh my god got him no K's he know what K's he know what's kidding

fuck this guy no K's think of all the years that he's not been doing any Winnie the Pooh fanfic I can't it makes me want to throw up I

I just threw up a little in my mouth that's a line he should also use I just threw up a little in my mouth oh come on really so that happened these are all great lines That's a line he should also use. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Oh, come on!

Really? So that happened. These are all great lines that should be in the sketch. Yeah. I just did a thing. Pickle it's standing. Oh, God. Jesus Christ.

This sucks. Let's take a break. This shit's so bad. Let's take a break. We'll be back in just a second, Andrew and Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm Yucky Jessica. I'm Chuck Crudsworth. And this is Terrible.

A podcast where we talk about things we hate that are awful. Today we're discussing Wonderful, a podcast on the Maximum Fun Network. Host Rachel and Griffin McElroy, a real-life married couple. Yuck! Discuss a wide range of topics. Music, video games, poetry, snacks. But I hate all that stuff.

I know you do, Yucky Jessica. It comes out every Wednesday, the worst day of the week, wherever you download your podcasts. For our next topic, we're talking Fiona the baby hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. I hate this little hippo. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Have you ever wanted to know the sad lore behind Chuck E. Cheese's love of birthday parties? Or, my Saturday mornings are reserved for cartoons? Or, have you wanted to know how beloved virtual pet site Neopets fell into the hands of Scientologists? Or, how a former Mattel employee managed to grow Sega

into a video game powerhouse? Join us, hosts Austin and Brenda, and learn all of these things and more at Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries. Now on Maximum Fun. La, la, la, la, la, la, la. now on Maximum Fun. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

I'm Blair Erskine. That happened. It did. That makes me laugh. It did happen. It's fun. It did. It's fun.

You can kind of put it anywhere. Blair's standing right behind me, isn't she? Yeah. That happened. Blair, we've been talking about really important stuff on this episode of Jordan, Jessica. It's had a lot of content. It's been really focused and driven throughout. Of course, we focused on-

And good. Yeah. Don't forget good. Our genre, of course, is satire and quality. And I would say our subjects are... Right-wing government. Right-wing government, current events, and... And libs.

Artificial intelligence. That's right. However, because we were so focused on this, we failed to ask you for an update on your cow. Yes. It's okay. Blair, you have your own cow. Yes, I do.

In Georgia. She's like my grandma's cow, but she's my cow. Her name's Annabelle. And I have very exciting news to share with everyone today. Okay. She's pregnant. Oh my gosh. Annabelle.

She's pregnant. We have tried for so long. It just happens my gosh. Annabelle. She's pregnant. We have tried for so long. It just happens for her. Annabelle, you slut. Oh my God. Yeah, she's kind of, a couple of new bulls came over to the pen

and then she's pregnant, you know, all of a sudden. So she's going to have a baby I think next month. So if you have any names, name suggestions, boy name, girl name, non-binary name,

any sort of cow name, send it in. Yeah. My first thought is, boy name, girl name, non-binary name, any sort of cow name. Sure. Send it in. Yeah. My first thought is, you know, my six-year-old Frankie has a cow, not a live cow. Oh, she killed the cow. And I told her not to have a cow. Don't have a cow. She has a-

You never thought of telling, just having that message come from Bart Simpson instead of you. Yeah, I know. A respective pair. Square dad. Yeah. She has a toy cow. Okay. That's her friend, her lovey.

And its name is Moors. That's a good name. Yeah. That's a good name. Solid. Moors. Moors. How many, when a cow is pregnant yes how many

cow babies will come usually just one i believe i believe i mean i have seen two sets of two-headed calves before in my life but those were accidents but i want to say usually one maybe just how many two-headed calves are in a set well it's like well maybe i said that wrong i've seen two two-headed calves i've seen four heads four heads on two calves yes and so i'm pretty sure i think the rare the rare occasion there might be two calves but i think just they usually stick to one i could be wrong i could be wrong when a cow has two when a calf has two heads it's gross it is it Is it bad news for the calf? Yeah. At least growing up in South Georgia.

That's all she wrote. Yeah. But yes, they can't live like that. They can't live for very long. But I don't know why, but every time it happened, each time I'd get a call from my uncle and he'd be like, Come up here. Look at this. And I'd go to the back of his pickup truck and it would just be the most disturbing two-headed like calf you've ever seen

i was seven i was like wow god's dead he's abandoned us the end is nigh he never lived don't be don't be a silly goose and then the calf turned to you and said chaos reigns before i started speaking backwards like i can see why people used to worship cows and shit like i said okay cow and my life and then you just dig it a little hole in the backyard yeah two-headed lizard at the science museum when i was a kid alive yeah this guy was fucking loving it what kind of shit did it tell you to do give me more crickets and me too the other head and me too the other head he's the primary head i'm the other head but when i say that i just mean I also want more crickets. I don't think you should me too. Unless they did something inappropriate.

Right. And then they should be held accountable. Yeah. Sunlight is the best disinfectant. Right. I want an Adam Sandler movie about a lizard who's two-headed and one of the heads gets canceled and the other one has to learn how to deal with that. Oh, yeah. The canceled one could be like Rob Schneider or something.

Is this one of the serious ones or one of the less serious ones? It's one of the serious ones. Oh, okay. It's like punch, drug, love. I got to pitch. So it starts out as a funny one. Sandler's one head, Rob Schneider's the other head. Kind of like red eye in that way.

Yeah, it starts off like ha ha ha. Chris Rock and Kevin Nealon are there. Yeah, sure. Just all the 60-year-olds of entertainment. Right, yeah. John Lovitz has a little cameo. You're like, ah, Lovitz always brings it. Great on news radio.

So two, okay, so when it's funny, like, you know, they're doing like cricket stuff. Schneider's doing an accent and you're like, well, what's that?

What's the accent? Whatever. And then the movie ends and you pull back and the lizard's in 9-11. And then you see the calendar. The calendar in 9-11. And then you see the calendar. The calendar says 9-11. Right.

Okay. The lizard says, let me check my watch. Could the day page of the calendar sort of flap and fly away? Yeah. And then it's September 12th and then there's a title on the screen that says, what next? That's a good one. No, I like yours better. Oof. It's Oof. Oof. that says, what next? That's a good one. No, I like yours better.

It says, oof, oof, oof. And then there's a cartoon dog. And he's like, so that happened. I thought you were going to say that we pull out and we see that the lizard is flying the plane. And then you still say, oof. So I did a thing. It's a lizard showing off its engagement ring. We did a thing. We did a thing.

We did a thing. Oh, no. Oh, the humanity. There's such darkness in the world. And then Nick Swartzen's there. Nick Swartzen. Nick Swartzen's not

in enough stuff. Nick Swartzen's such a funny comic. It's called Nine a Lizard. It's called Nine a Lizard. It's called Nine a Lizard. Thanks. Thanks, Blair. And the cover art, it's nine and then two lizards.

Can you bring this to Jimmy Kimmel in case he wants to start doing dramedies? Well, yes. Yes, I will. I personally made a 9-11 scrapbook as a child. Did I tell you guys that? It just had me thinking. I found it in my adult life. I guess I was afraid I would forget.

And so I have the scrapbook where I've taken clips from newspapers. And God knows you should never forget. I'll show it to you next time. And I've written like devastation,ation tragedy and then just a few pictures and then a few blank pages and then it's like i'm at an aaron carter concert this is a general memory book that had a few pages it's just those two things it's 9-11 and aaron carter and nothing else okay but you just didn't have a new you didn't have an ac scrapbook on hand correct yeah so i use my 9-11 scrapbook with angels all over it. Was Aaron Carter your top O-Town?

Yeah, he was. Was he in O-Town? No. Okay. He died last year. He did? Or this year, last year. He died recently.

In September 11th? No, different day. Okay. Different day. Nick Carter, was he in O-Town? No, he was in Backstreet Boys. Backstreet Boys. Backstreet's back, all right.

All right. So, you need some Backstreet's back, all right. All right. So you need some cow names, huh? Some cow names. So send, I don't know. So yeah, so how long do, so this will come out on Thursday. Nobody knows how long the cow has until she gives birth

because no one really knows the exact day she got pregnant. But I would say until like December 15th, mid-December. Where would you like to receive these? Should we point people at social media? Should we sift through them? We're happy to do it.

Yeah, you guys. Yeah, I mean, anywhere. Anywhere that's comfortable. We can do it. Yeah, do it on the Reddit, you know, or like... Oh, yeah, that'd be great. Let's do this. Let's do this.

In the subreddit for this episode, r slash maximum fun. Max fun? Maximum fun. r slash maximum fun. There'll be a r slash maximum fun there'll be a thread dump in all your cow names it'll say cow names dump them out

yes dump out your cow names and then we'll send them to you and if you use one yes that person will receive a cameo we'll have to wait to get one that's utterly delightful shut the fuck up

jesse shut the fuck up. Bullhead. No, no, he wants that. He wants that. Bullhead. Make him come again. I'm so hard. Make him come again.

His refractory period has passed. This is like that lady and the dolphin all over again so he can concentrate. I'm teaching him English. What? The radio lab lady who had a jerk off at dolphin. The woman jerked off at dolphin to teach him English. Wait, what? The Radiolab lady who had to jerk off a dolphin. The woman jerked off a dolphin to teach him English, Jordan. He had to concentrate. Is this an Adam Sandler movie?

It was on This American Life. Do you not listen to Radiolab? You need to listen to Radiolab. I guess I don't listen to enough Radiolab. I'm so busy watching elevated horror Netflixes. Was it so hard for you to imagine that a lady might have to jack off a dolphin so he can concentrate while he's trying to learn English? Is that so out of the-

Why are we turning this on me? I'm fighting the culture war. Oh, it's me. It's me and Irishman who loves to make elevated horror films for Jordan to watch on Netflix. We were talking about that off mic. Were we? This was not part of the thing. Oh, was it?

I didn't enjoy the elevated whore. Okay. A lot of, anyway. He's saying the elevated whore. Really? You should be listening to Jada Boomerang. And the jerk and dolphin story. I didn't know they had nasty dolphin shit on there.

Nasty, kinky dolphin shit. That's why he started the whole fucking show. It was a combination of This American Life and Crankin' Dolphins. Very, very kinky dolphins. And sound effects. The kind you don't bring home to Flipper. Okay. Matt Lieb is our producer.

She will never let your girl hold down. Blair Erskine, it's been a joy. I hope that everyone will follow you on, what are your preferred? Instagram these days? Yeah, Instagram. Yeah, Blair.Earskin. Blair.Earskin on Instagram. You could hardly find better satire genre content.

Maximumfun.reddit.com. Dump them out. Dump out the cow names. Those big ideas. Hoof Baby. Hoof Baby. the cow name big ideas um uh hoof baby but that contest is over it's hoof baby never mind we don't need your names anymore we have hoof baby so tired so tired and confused this whole episode we can end the show that's we've done enough when another middle schooler comes up to you and goes you're running through a forest this whole episode we can end the show we've done enough shows you would think that but it seems like

we have to keep going when another middle schooler comes up to you and goes you're running through a forest you're running through a forest okay our theme music

is viewed by The Free Design courtesy of The Free Design and their label Light in the Attic Records our thanks to both of them maximumfun.reddit.com is where you can find us on Reddit

at jordandavidmorse at put.this.on. I hope everybody will get out there and order Jordan's new book. Oh, yeah. Jordan's new book. Youth Group. That's right. Pre-orders available now at your local indie bookstore or wherever you get books by me and the great Bowen McGurdy.

I don't know. I think you're great, Bowen McGurdy. I'm not so sure. Well, clearly you've never read their hit comic, Spectre Inspectors. I should read that. Give it a shot. I've heard great things about Bo and McGurdy. It's really good.

It's really good, yeah. Okay. The kids will like it. You can do it with the kids. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jesse, go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.