Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Lava Freaks with Sam Sanders

Episode Date: October 27, 2022

Sam Sanders joins Jordan and Jesse this week to talk teenage skin conditions, which parts of the house are worth keeping tidy and the love life of Paul Newman. Check out Sam's podcast Into It anywher...e you get your podcasts!

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, home to a thriving fungus. Oh, God bless you, sir, because there's a lot of people out here taking in cats. There's a lot of people even, you know, there's rescue bunny rabbits, rescue iguanas. And there's a lot of efforts being made to save the California condor. Yeah. And all those things are great. I'm not saying that the California condor is bad,
Starting point is 00:00:37 that bunnies are bad. I'm just saying- You've said that before about condors, to me. I'm not saying it now. I said it before. Right. You've said it privately. Yeah, privately to me. I'm not saying it now. I said it before. You've said it privately. Yeah, privately. Over dinner. To you. And I resent you for bringing it up here in this public context, but... I did not agree for it to be off the record. So you can tell me it's off the record, but I have to also agree that it's off the record. So when you said to me, this is off the record, I think California condors deserved what they got about like almost becoming extinct. I didn't say that I wouldn't talk about it. And I actually wrote your mom a letter before I talked about it on the show here.
Starting point is 00:01:16 That's my mistake. That's on me. So I'll just go ahead and clear that up with the California Condor Society or whoever deals with them. But yeah, but I've kind of turned my focus, my charitable focus toward funguses and yeasts that need a home. And I looked out there and I saw all these funguses that just needed a place, needed a place to go, hard times, Bidenflation, the pandemic, right? Right? And I just said, use my body. Yeah. Use my body to thrive, grow on me, use me for nutrients. You can watch what I'm watching on TV. You've got a pretty good stable of streamers yeah yeah um had a paramount plus trial for a while really enjoyed star trek
Starting point is 00:02:14 strange new world so me and the fungus had a good time with that so here's here's what's going on with me jesse i have a a fungus on me gosh it's it's weird to say it out loud. I've just been kind of keeping it to myself. So, this is nice. This is a nice... It's good, Jordan. It's good. Now, the fungus is among us. Right. It's among us. It's among the listener. Wait, can I say another thing that's just a word that sounds like another word? Yeah, sure. Why not? I mean, why not?
Starting point is 00:02:45 Why do comedy when you could just do that? You know, Jordan, this is topical, too. You know, Jordan, as the parent of a transgender child, I've often been accused of being a groomer. Right. But I'm here to accuse you of being a bloomer. That's true, yes. You're blooming yeasts on your body. It's just words that run.
Starting point is 00:03:04 It's not a joke, technically. Yeah, and, you on your body. It's just words that rhyme. It's not a joke, technically. Yeah, and it, you know. So, here's what's going on. Here's what's going on with me. I have a condition called tinea viscolor. Oh. And that is kind of splotches, discolored splotches all over my body. Mm-hmm.
Starting point is 00:03:22 And it is a fungus. It is a yeast, and it is thriving on me. And, you know, I was ashamed of it for a long time, and now I'm just going to celebrate it. I think it's brought on by swimming. Swimming is something I like to do a couple times a week. So, I think the moisture on my body, you know, that I get via swimming, makes me kind of an ideal host for this kind of beautiful and brave fungus. Can I ask you a question? Yeah, sure. I have some medicated shampoo for my dog. Would you like some of that? I have a medicated shampoo made for humans. How's the shine on your coat? It's pretty good, but my gums are a little black.
Starting point is 00:04:07 I don't know if that can help with that. Sure. Yeah, I'm going to read from the Mayo Clinic website, if you don't mind. Yeah, thank you. Tinea viscola is not painful or contagious, but can lead to emotional distress or self-consciousness. So that's what I was experiencing for a while. So for a time, you felt less than. If you were wondering why I took a break from my famous gym selfies, it was because I was feeling distress. Even though you set some
Starting point is 00:04:34 new PRs. Yeah. I mean, I was looking swole, looking jacked. Package was looking fantastic, leaning to the right. As you know, it does. I talked to your tailor about it. I wrote a letter to your mom about that. But here's just another fact from the Mayo Clinic website. It occurs most frequently in teens and young adults. So that was a nice boost to the self-esteem. You turn 40 and you get this teen disease. Are you going to tell everybody at the Hold Steady concert? Yeah. I've got a teen fungus i got a teen fungus i'm it's the only teen thing in this room yeah and they'll say i can't listen to your story i have to be home to relieve the sitter yeah that's what the other people at the hold steady
Starting point is 00:05:21 concert will say so yeah i have this fungus i've decided not to be ashamed anymore. I am using a medicated shampoo for humans. And yeah, and I just want to also just put it out there. I don't know this for sure. Perhaps licking me would have hallucinogenic results. Wow. Yeah. I don't know if that's true. The Mayo Clinic website doesn't say anything about it, but maybe, you know, licking me could be used, you know, not just to, you know, enjoy laser light shows at the planetarium more, but maybe it could be, you know, used to, you know, help cure depression. So you mentioned, Jordan, that there's nothing about that on the Mayo Clinic
Starting point is 00:06:05 website. No. Have you checked WebMD? No, maybe that should be my next stop. It's a lot danker. Oh, yeah? I'll just type in WebMD, lick me what happens. Sure. You know what? Throw planetarium in there planetarium the more keywords you have the better off you are or planetarium good question mark planetarium good lick me web md i'm just searching here on my smartphone and yep a picture of sonic fucking knuckles so i don't know well thank god that settles that webmd is great yeah i'll surf webmd for hours and i honestly every day it's a revelation what's fucking what do you have any uh embarrassing health problems you want to get off your chest oh jordan my booty itches oh man i tried to become a pitcher and i failed okay it's too fucking stupid is anything too stupid for this no probably not our guest on
Starting point is 00:07:19 the program is a celebrated pop culture podcaster with the smash hit vaulter podcast into it sam sanders hi sam hi i had scabies once we're talking about skin you know what congratulations you know it's funny so this was many years ago i want to say i was 17 or 18 and my brother's girlfriend gave it to him and then he gave it to the whole family and so we're like all right go to the doctor they give you the little cream that you use for like two or three days it like kills the scabies my aunt alta who's dead now rest her soul love her miss her dearly she was like r.i.p alta i don't need no special medicated cream she just rubbed isopropyl rubbing alcohol all over her body for like three days.
Starting point is 00:08:06 And then the scabies went away. That's how I beat COVID. Then the scabies went away. It was wild. I'm excited to hear, Sam. I had no idea that like Jordan's fungus, that scabies is a teen disease. I always had it pegged as a pirate disease. Scurvy is a pirate disease
Starting point is 00:08:25 yeah scurvy is like a lack of vitamins scabies is like small mites that burrow into your skin oh wow they burrow how do i know this much about that although they burrow yeah now sam no i know i mean have you i don't know if you've and again this is in your past but if you ever got scabies again you know god forbid if you ever had the chanceies again, you know, God forbid, if you ever had the chance, have you thought about, you know, taking the lesson for me and kind of celebrating and nurturing your scabies. They nurture themselves,
Starting point is 00:08:56 right? They don't need any help. Once they get there, they're taking care of business. Yeah. Although I will say I probably, my skin right now, everything from the neck down is just
Starting point is 00:09:06 like lathered up. Like I moisturize heavily. And so I kind of think that is a proactive remedy also because it's like I'm suffocating everything on my skin. Like there is like I'm suffocating it, whatever it is. I cover everything in my body with proactive. A lot of body acne. I cover everything in my body with Proactiv. I have a lot of body acne. Sure. My biggest problem. I had to find folks at Stridex make me some bed sheets.
Starting point is 00:09:34 So every night I just wrap myself in a giant Stridex pad. Can I suggest something, Sam? If you're thinking about recontextualizing the scabies, you're going to need to give them a fun Gen Y friendly name. And can I suggest Burrow Boys? Like, ooh, I got some of those little Burrow Boys. You guys want some? Fellow teens? Yeah, maybe my fungus can be skin shroomies.
Starting point is 00:09:58 Yeah, now we're talking. That sounds delightful. That actually sounds delightful. Take a lick of my skin shroomies. See if you trip out. See if you can talk to God or whatever. Can I ask you guys a shroom question? It's not necessarily about hallucinogenic mushrooms. Necessarily. Okay. attended the university of california at santa cruz which is certainly a nexus of hallucinogenic mushroom culture but also just sort of like how old-timey marijuana enthusiasts were always talking about rope and other things you could different things you could make from hemp like
Starting point is 00:10:41 the constitution yeah the constitution was made of hemp paper yeah yeah hell yeah george washington's wooden teeth were made of hemp etc at santa cruz there was a lot of enthusiasm about mushroom gathering learning about what mushrooms were and were not poisonous what mushrooms got you high but also what mushrooms you could put in a fricassee or omelet. Have either of you ever foraged? Have either of you ever gathered food? Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something.
Starting point is 00:11:12 Thank you, Samuel. Let me tell you something. Thousands, thousands of years of human development, thousands of years of civilization, thousands of years of industrial specialization. There are professionals who will give me the right mushrooms so my dumb ass isn't out there dying i don't like i'm all about those who choose to forage but it couldn't be me and i follow a few of the fun foragers on tiktok
Starting point is 00:11:38 and i'm like okay you've got some kind of degree in this go forth but all these little you know wannabe try it at home it's like why i'm all down to walk through nature and look at it if i see a cute mushroom i'll say oh cute mushroom i'm not picking that thing i'm not doing it sam hold on because you've really skipped on past the most important part of that whole anti-mushroom gathering tirade, which is that you're on fun foraging TikTok. It just shows up in my algo. It shows up. Like, so I, I have this mix of like chefs complaining about how other people cook. And every black nerd who thinks they're a fucking nerd on TikTok.
Starting point is 00:12:24 It's ironic that I'm black and foraging. It's ironic that I'm black and foraging. It's ironic that I'm black and playing video games. It's ironic that I'm black and into anime. They are in my algo. And I'm just like, good for y'all. I don't want to get her name wrong. It's not just like black forager chick, but like the preeminent black woman forager. I follow her and love her dearly.
Starting point is 00:12:42 She's full of great energy. And she just walks through the forest eating stuff. And I'm like, okay, that is your calling. It is not mine. Now, Sam, Jordan, leave mushrooms aside. What about nuts, berries? What about whole foods, Jesse? What about whole foods? There's a perfectly good whole foods. There's a perfectly good whole foods. You just find one that has a big parking garage. Listen, there are two kinds of people in this world.
Starting point is 00:13:07 There are people who make things easier and people who make things harder. I try in most aspects of my life to make things easier. What's another example, Sam? What corners are you cutting? Oh, I don't make a bed every day. Are the sheets clean? You're fine. Go with God.
Starting point is 00:13:30 Do you like pull up the bedspread or are you just leaving it as is? So in my house right now, I work from home, so I usually leave the doors to the backyard open so the two dogs can go in and out as they please, which means that in general, I want the top darker quilt over the white sheets in case to bring in some dirt. But besides that, I don't care. It doesn't need to be neat. There are other things where it's like, I want a certain tidiness, like in the kitchen and the living space, but making a bed, I'm going to sleep either way. A year or so, I will admit this a year or so ago, you probably remember this Jordan, our buddy, Sarah Val joined us from the great state of Montana. I'm a big fan of Sarah Val. Oh, who isn't? One of the best, one of the greatest. And Sarah, one of the things I like about her coming on the program is that she has a lot of shit for me specifically. And she's on that episode, She targeted me for not making my bed because I didn't. And my wife doesn't either. So it was being left unkempt. And she challenged me to consider it my daily meditation. You know what's daily meditation, Jesse?
Starting point is 00:14:43 What's that? Daily meditation. Daily meditation. I'm not doing that. Close your eyes and count your breaths, dude. I'm not going to count breaths. I know how many I'm taking. Enough is the answer. Sufficient breaths.
Starting point is 00:14:54 If you meditate, you might accidentally think of some ways you fucked up 10 years ago. Damn. I know. I bet we're all thinking of those instances already. I bet. Yeah, that's true. I can't say. Okay, you might be right.
Starting point is 00:15:11 You might be right. But I'm not acknowledging them. I'm not noting them. But since Sarah said that, I can't say that I really go to town tucking sheets. You know what I mean? I'm not giving it my father was a navy veteran oh so he was for real he was serious he knew how to get those corners tight you know but
Starting point is 00:15:34 i have made sure that the the secondary ornamental pillows are arranged such that their stripes match the bed's well let's you have secondary ornamental pillows you have given into the big bed industrial complex i don't have tertiary pillows sam it's just i mean i'm just saying two shams just it's just two goddamn shams sam i. I have no extra pillows. I have the pillows I need. Okay, fair enough. I've got a pillow for me. Two functional pillows.
Starting point is 00:16:10 I've got a pillow for the boyfriend. I've got the third pillow for whoever needs extra lumbar. And we're good. Right. Maybe something to prop up if you're watching TV in bed or something. Dr. Alsa told me that when I go to sleep, I should lie on my back. And he specifically specified I should have two pillows under my knees. This is what Dr. Alza said.
Starting point is 00:16:33 So you're dead? You're just like laying down dead? Yeah. With my legs up on two pillows. I sleep on my side of my stomach. Can I tell you this right now? Oh, tell me. I was mad that he told
Starting point is 00:16:46 me to do this i'm like how dare you dr alza yeah this guy has a real tude there's no doubt about it he thinks he's pretty great just because he went to 74 years of medical school and shit and definitely does actually know more than i do he probably knows some things there's that yeah i put the pillows under my knee and went to sleep on my back it worked spectacularly well did the pillows under the knee keep you from like moving and rolling is that what it was eventually you move and roll but it really made a big difference in how does it get your back lined up yeah a hundred percent it fucking lines it up like basic training it is spectacular so you're having some tailbone issues so this is probably like pulling your tailbone up and tucking a little bit which you need like a little pelvic tuck yeah look i'm a modern worker i'm spending too much time hunched over in front of the computer
Starting point is 00:17:43 okay can i tell you what is what has really saved my life when it comes to posture and such and joints and bones? Because I have horrible posture. You know, I do like, we all do this. Interview posture where you're leaning over, holding your chin. Sam, help us with our bones. Help us with our bones, Sam. I mean, this is going to be a very simple life hack and probably super annoying as soon as I say it as a Southern Californian. You should be doing yoga.
Starting point is 00:18:04 Not even lying, dude. Not even fucking lying. I do it a lot now. And I was like, I'll never be one of those. It's okay. Like I would rather get up in the morning and make sure I go to yoga or do some stretching before I start my day, then make sure the bed is made. I'll tell you that. For a while, Sam, I was doing yoga with my friends, the old ladies at the YMCA. Hell yeah. They loved it. They loved to see me. They were excited to laugh at how bad I was at yoga.
Starting point is 00:18:32 They were thrilled to have a vibrant young man. If I'm going to say at the time, I'm going to say 38 years old. But then there was a worldwide pandemic and I stopped going to the Y. YouTube, YouTube. It's all there for free. Allie is a big one or Allison. There's like one big yoga YouTube person. But literally, I've always had a screwed up back and my back has never been better just because I'm getting that downward dog and getting that namaste, man.
Starting point is 00:19:01 I know. I know. I'm a cliche. I'm a Southern Californian cliche. I mean, Jordan's done goat yoga, so he knows what you're talking about. Oh, how was that, Jordan? It looks fun. I did do goat yoga. So yeah, my journey with yoga is that I went for all the reasons we're talking about, mindfulness, aches and pains, and just had to admit to myself that I didn't like it.
Starting point is 00:19:25 You know, it's like one of those things, I'm glad everyone else likes this. I'm glad everyone's enjoying Ted Lasso, okay? I'm glad. I want... It's not that it's bad. No, I'm not. No, hey, you know...
Starting point is 00:19:39 It's not about it being bad. No, I bet... I'm glad. I've seen Ted Lasso. I bet Hannah Waddingham is also great at yoga. Sure. Yeah. But I'm just like, I guess I just don't love this. And I've found other ways to be mindful. When I started swimming regularly, it fixed my back. Oh, nice. I have not felt a pain in my back for three years. Oh, that's awesome. Oh, nice.
Starting point is 00:20:03 I have not felt a pain in my back for three years. Oh, that's awesome. But I, okay, so I was late to Instagram. I kind of got on Instagram when I had a book to promote. I'm like, okay, what's a fun way to promote the book? What's a fun way to promote the book and connect more deeply with John Dickerson? Right. Yes, exactly. CBS's John Dickerson.
Starting point is 00:20:23 Get to know his dog. Look at all the coffees he's drinking. Ah, everybody, follow Dickerson, by the way, if you're not already following. He is so good. He's the best. Who's better? No one. Yeah, I wanted to connect with John Dickerson.
Starting point is 00:20:35 I wanted to promote the book. So I was on Instagram, and I'm just like, what? What do I? What do I? What do you want? What do you? What do I do? I'm not good at any of this and then i got a targeted ad for goat yoga in pasadena and i'm like this is it this is how
Starting point is 00:20:56 i joined instagram with a bang so i went out there to the gamble house beautiful historic home in pasadena spectacular okay and i did incredible joinery and i did some pretty pretty rudimentary yoga while goatees jumped on me is it only baby yogas or also adult yogas or lord goats sorry no that's baby or adult goats okay yes it was uh adult yogas adult yogis teaching with all ages of goat. All ages of goats. Medium goat, a few tinies. Did one walk on you? They did, yeah. They kind of facilitate the goats walking on you, and it is both scary and fun.
Starting point is 00:21:34 What do they do to facilitate that? They put tin cans on your back? Yeah, they just cover you in cans. That's what goats like to eat, Sam. Okay, guys, I have an activity for us here oh so you know sam is the host of the pop culture podcast into it i do which is a great podcast by the way vulture in new york magazine part of the vox media network there it is i have to say that so i invented from whole cloth an activity for us to do this This is an idea that I had.
Starting point is 00:22:06 So, Jesse, hold just real quick before you start this. Now, you didn't just steal one of Sam's segments, did you? No, this is an idea I had that I invented myself using, because I'm full of... You did. You did. I'm very creative.
Starting point is 00:22:21 And I also like to keep my finger on the pulse of what's going on in pop culture and get to know my guest a little bit, you know, right up top of the show after the 30 minutes of bullshit. So in this- We're trying to keep it to 25. Yeah. In this segment, which- Type 25. Which again, I invented, I will say something that's happening in a popular culture, and the two of
Starting point is 00:22:46 you can tell me whether you're, and I invented this phrase, into it. All right. Sounds novel. Let's do it. Let's do it. Sam, have you ever heard your own podcast? Because he just stole this. He just stole this from the top of your- No, listen, it's sharing. It's sharing. And I will say, when we were launching my last show, it's been a minute, the NPR show. We're still exists. Go check it out. It's still there.
Starting point is 00:23:10 We were trying to reinvent the wheel and we were like, we want just like a guest to quote game. And people were like, well, can we do it? Other folks do it. Can we do it? It's like, everyone does a guest to quote game. It's fine. And we just did it.
Starting point is 00:23:24 Let me tell you something about audio. It's all been done. There's nothing new in audio anymore. Nothing new. I bet you if you look through the archives. Sam's teaching us about audio, teaching us about bones. Sam, Jordan, let's do a new segment. It's where we have a fantasy draft of fast food restaurants. Let's go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I can't even pretend that my game of Intuit is new. Sam, you're taking this much better than when we had on James Corden and made him do carpool karaoke. He was not happy about it. Okay. So again, this is like a way to keep your fingers on the pulse of pop culture. So I'll be asking you current things that are in the news. You tell me whether you're into it. Okay. First, Asterix and Obelix. Asterix the Gaul.
Starting point is 00:24:11 What is an Obelisk? An Obelisk is like Illuminati something? Obelix. That's Asterix's friend. Yeah. What is it? What is it? So these are like, and I can maybe kind of sort of-
Starting point is 00:24:23 Asterix, I know. Take this one. This is like some kind of sort of take this one. This is like some sort of Dutch comic strip about Vikings. Yeah, it might be French. I think it might be French. I think I kind of know it because they had a Genesis game. That's the only reason that is in my brain. Like Sega Genesis?
Starting point is 00:24:40 Sega Genesis, yes. That's the one. Yeah, buddy. Sega. You were a Sega kid? Oh, yeah. I had that 6-bit. I had that 16-bit. Genesis, yes. That's the one. Yeah, buddy. Sega. You were a Sega kid? Oh, yeah. I had that 6-bit. I had that 16-bit.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Oh, yeah. I had that Dreamcast. No one. No. I was a Dreamcast girly. Oh, shit. And I was on the outside looking in because I didn't do Super NES. I had a fucking Dreamcast.
Starting point is 00:24:58 Hell, yeah. And I was not cool for it. Not cool for it. But now you are. Now you are. The Dreamcast is the Velvet underground of video game consoles. Exactly. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:25:10 Dreamcast live in 74 is just brilliant. Dreamcast at Red Rocks. Yeah. So, okay. So, Jesse, I'll go ahead and say into it, but just a quick note, maybe these should be a little more zeitgeisty, you know, the Kardashians, you know,
Starting point is 00:25:31 Adam Levine's. I'll take that note, Jordan. Sexting, Marvel, She-Hulk. It's more topical later in the, in the thing.
Starting point is 00:25:39 So yeah, I'm sure you'll do great. Either of you are. Yeah. So the next one is bisque. Lobster? Sure. Or tomato. I mean, that's a type of bisque. There's. Either of you are. Yeah. So the next one is bisque. Lobster? Sure. Or tomato?
Starting point is 00:25:47 I mean, that's a type of bisque. There's all kinds of bisques. Yeah. I like a heavy, full cream lobster bisque. And my stomach is like, don't do this to me. But I like it. Sam's into it. I like it.
Starting point is 00:26:00 Yeah. Into it. Yeah. I mean, I don't love like seafood based soups a lot you swim you swim that's yeah that's true sounds like you just got fucking john stewart circa 2003 your hypocrisy just got called out jordan. I feel like I'm Tucker Carlson sweating through my little bow tie. You got me. We have a clip here of you swimming, Jordan, and you say you don't like seafood.
Starting point is 00:26:35 I've got a clip of you in the drive-thru at Long John Silver's, okay? I have seen it. Hey, where did that get? That was a private event that I was sharing with my God. We were driving through to get fish and chips together. Okay. Yeah. So I guess I've been gotcha'd.
Starting point is 00:26:54 I'll say into it. But again, Jesse, I think the purpose of this is to, you know, get some, to talk about pop culture a little bit. So maybe, you know, like Oscar picks or, you know. Is there a famous movie scene featuring Lobster Biss? Yeah. Amsterdam flopping at the box office, that kind of thing. I think that's, I saw that movie, The Lobster. I think that, is that?
Starting point is 00:27:18 Oh, yeah. Okay. That was a thing. Your next one, The Guitar Owned. What is that? It's like a huge guitar it depends on who's playing it let's be real yeah a mariachi guy's playing this is like a something you'd see in a mariachi band then yes yes to that i love mariachi yeah i'll say it i'll
Starting point is 00:27:36 say into it into it okay that's yeah into it i can all agree on that uh snails just not on my plate okay but you're into it in nature you know why i'm into it i really love marcel the shell with shoes on marcel the snail snail with whatever that is it's so sweet so sweet so that we got a little baby voice jenny's great jenny slate yeah i don't love it when you step on him because it's gross and then you feel bad yeah okay right not into it uh mavis beacon that taught me everything i know the typing instructional program we should explain sam became a podcaster straight out of the stenography pool it's a direct line. Actually, my one and only D in school,
Starting point is 00:28:27 because I got pretty good grades. My only D was in my sophomore year of high school typewriting class. I just didn't take it seriously. I was like, why am I here? It was like a requirement, you know? I was just like, fuck this class. I'll never need this.
Starting point is 00:28:41 Yeah, and so I was like taking all the AP courses and in typing, I got a D. in protest in protest typewriting class my god sam you're really playing along with this grade i you're you're a great guess and again i think i commit to the bit you commit to the bit i just think if you know jesse would just weave in some more kind of zeitgeist trending topics okay i got one this is very topical. The Norman Invasion. I don't really remember what that is. 1066, the Norman Invasion.
Starting point is 00:29:13 I wasn't here. I don't know them. I don't care. Are you into it? Tell me. You're into it. I'm trying to think if I know any Normans in real life. Well, I mean, Sam, I happen to know that you went to prom with Norm Panetta. Hey! That was the first Norm I could come up with.
Starting point is 00:29:34 I feel like Norms and Normans are just trying to make it. They know that their name is a little, you know, not zeitgeisty, but they're really nice. You know, like, they go to work, they put on their khakis one leg at a time. They have a weird relationship with their mom. They have a lot of taxidermied birds. They get together for happy hour with Herb. Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:29:58 Walter couldn't make it. I'm here for the Normans, even the ones who lost the battle. And guys, I'm looking at the score here, and Sam is our winner. We're being uh guys i'm looking at the score here and sam is our winner we're being scored can you break down the score can you break down the methodology of the scoring process um so early on in the game jordan had the lead okay then it was kind of neck and neck for a while and in the end there sam in a surprising twist got more points to become the winner so this is a points-based game
Starting point is 00:30:28 okay i didn't know you get points for doing a good job and uh sam did a great job jordan you did a fun you were fine okay this isn't about me having a problem with jordan it's just sam did a great job and you were fine. You do. Sounds like George. Listen, Jordan, I'm proud of you. Thank you, Sam. And as far as I'm concerned, we're all winners. So there's that. That's really beautiful. Sam, can you do me a favor? Because I think it's going to mean a lot. Can you just write a little bit about why you're proud of Jordan and then send that as a letter to Jordan's mom? I might type it. I might fucking type it.
Starting point is 00:31:06 How about that? Oh, well, look who's Mavis Began now. Take that. Take that. You guys want to practice a little typing and then come back for more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart.
Starting point is 00:31:36 Jordan Morris, boy, a detective. Now, Jordan, how grateful are we to the members of Maximum Fun? Very. Yeah, because they make every episode of Jordan and Jessica possible. If you're listening to this and you're a Maximum Fun member, then we're getting a piece of your membership, and it's what keeps the light on here. We're very grateful to you.
Starting point is 00:31:59 Maximumfun.org slash join if you're not already a member. And now, a word from our sponsor, BetterHelp. Now, Jordan, you and I are big therapy advocates, big advocates of getting therapized. You got to do it. You got to therapize your brain-a-rooski. That's what we say. To make it more fun. There are a lot of different ways to get therapy.
Starting point is 00:32:20 You can get a referral in your neighborhood. You can maybe find somebody through your health insurance. There's a lot of ways. One of the quickest, easiest, and often one of the more affordable ways is BetterHelp, which will direct therapy straight at you like a laser beam through the media of video conferencing, audio conferencing, or even just text, if that's what you would prefer. It's really nice to hear that there is a quick and easy way for folks to get linked up with a therapist. It can be something that could be a little complicated. It could be something that
Starting point is 00:32:54 you're nervous about doing. I know I was definitely nervous before starting therapy. So it's nice to kind of have this way to do it that's just straight from your laptop or smartphone. kind of have this way to do it that's just straight from your laptop or smartphone. And I think if you try therapy, you'll really see a difference. It's so nice to have somebody to talk to every week, a trained professional who can help you with life's problems, big or small or medium. It can make you a better problem solver. It can make it easier for you to accomplish your goals. It's really, really great. And if it's something you've been thinking about doing, this is a great time to check it out. When you want to be a better problem solver, therapy can get you there. Visit betterhelp.com slash jjgo today to get 10% off your first month. That's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-E-L-P.com slash JJ Go.
Starting point is 00:33:45 We're also supported this week by the folks over at Stitch Fix. Jordan, I just got a call from the cozy police. They say you're not cozy enough because some of your clothes didn't come from Stitch Fix. Yeah, I tell you what, Jesse, I was just surfing around on Stitch Fix this week with that exact issue on my mind. It's getting chilly, windy, drizzly. I got nothing. I got half shirts. I got cutoffs. Yeah. I am not prepared for this. You looked for a jacket in your closet and you ended up putting jorts on your arms.
Starting point is 00:34:22 And you ended up putting jorts on your arms. That's all I had. I was not prepared. Luckily, the folks at Stitch Fix are there for me to get a custom box of clothes shipped right to my house. This is a great time to try Stitch Fix. Here's what they do. You go online. You take a really fun quiz, a style quiz. You tell them about your sizes.
Starting point is 00:34:44 You tell them what you like, if there's something you need. And then Stitch Fix will assign you a personal stylist to get you hand-picked stuff. Really fun, really easy. I was actually on Stitch Fix this week picking out my next box. Got some sweaters I'm excited about trying. I got some new boots I'm going to give a look to. Ooh, a little booty boy. Might be a little booty boy. Who knows? If I like them, they'll be easy to keep. If I, for some reason, they're not right, it's real easy to send stuff back to Stitch Fix. They give you a prepaid envelope. Just drop it right in the mailbox and no fuss, no muss.
Starting point is 00:35:21 Right now, Stitch Fix is offering our listeners $20 off their first fix at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. That's stitchfix.com jjgo for $20 off today. stitchfix.com slash jjgo. We'll be back in just a minute on JJ Go. It's Jordan, Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.
Starting point is 00:36:01 That's your cue, Sam. Oh, that's nice. I am Sam, a.k.a. Nauseous Moviegoer. And that's actually true. It happened to me today. Are you watching Avatar in 3D? Because that happened to me a little bit. No, no. I went to go see a documentary with some friends, and they were getting the tickets.
Starting point is 00:36:25 But it was an IMAX, and they could only get tickets in the very, very front row. So the whole time I had to hold my head way up. And it was that new documentary about like the husband-wife duo who chased volcanic lava their whole careers. Oh yeah, I saw that one. It's great. A lot of wide pan moving shots.
Starting point is 00:36:40 And when you're craning your neck like that. And I was eating the popcorn. And before I knew it, I was like, this movie is making me nauseous. And just like the way lava rolls, you know, it's hypnotic. Yeah. And I was looking up. I was in the very front row, just craning my neck the whole time.
Starting point is 00:36:55 And so about halfway through, I just stopped watching the movie. It was sad. Can I ask the two of you a question? Because I didn't see this film. Now, if I saw lava, I'd head the other direction. These two are chasing lava. What are they, a couple of nuts? But part of their work was to figure out
Starting point is 00:37:13 how to predict when they're going to explode and how big to save people. Because whenever a volcano goes off, they never really know how it's going to explode or exactly when. They don't have the kind of forecasting system that we have for like weather for volcanoes so their thing was like how do we find out enough about these things to help predict so in that regard i'm like thank y'all but also there's
Starting point is 00:37:33 always a bit of ego at play with folks who do extreme things like that well sam also i don't i don't think this was explicit in the movie but um kind of what i what i read into it was yeah i mean obviously they're doing this volcano research for altruistic reasons to help people but also i mean they're a married couple and i think they're a couple of freaks lava freaks lava freaks yeah run that lava over my body girl yeah i mean they sound like a couple of nasty freaks to me. Wow. Did they say anything about whether they were nasty in the film? I wouldn't know. Not explicitly.
Starting point is 00:38:10 I just had to like zone out halfway through. I was like, I'm going to throw up if I don't like look down and like quiet my mind. You're too busy putting your head between your knees. Yeah. Taking deep breaths. Yeah. Yeah. Well, and then this movie, so like after the screening at Century City Mall, there was
Starting point is 00:38:25 like a Q&A, I guess, with the director or something. And I was like, I got to go. So I just left my friends. I was like, bye. Bye-bye. Bye-bye-bye-bye. I'm sure it was a great Q&A. Probably the Q&A was with the lava.
Starting point is 00:38:35 Hey, then I'm glad I left. Ha-ha. I'm sure in the Q&A they addressed whether or not they're nasty freaks. Yeah. They have to. Or if they're a couple of nuts. I mean, I got to know, are these two nasty freaks or are they a couple of nuts? A little from column A, a little from column B.
Starting point is 00:38:53 Did you hear, okay, I do have one topical, it won't be topical, of course, by the time this episode is released, but one topical pop cultural thing. Did you see that Paul Newman and joanne woodward have a fuck hut i wouldn't doubt it have you seen paul newman young paul newman i mean there's no doubt the man fucks that's one of the most beautiful men to ever live no one is questioning whether joanne woodward or paul newman are fucking there's no question they're they're fucking as much as they please left right and center is where they're fucking yeah up down all around boners and wet pussies left just all they're going to town okay these two but who knew that they had a special hut paul newman deserves three or four
Starting point is 00:39:40 huts look at that man this isn't a question of what he deserves. I'm going to keep bringing it back to that because he deserves. He needs two huts for fucking and one hut to make his delicious salad dressing. Listen, you tell me a man in human history greater than Paul Newman. He didn't just fuck like a jackrabbit. He wasn't just one of the most beautiful men to ever live. He also had some damn good salad dressing who the fuck else the salad dressing's pretty good who the fuck else could ever nobody marlon brando i think not al pacino hell fucking no no it was newman newman's own to be specific i think it was a real golden age to have him and robert redford being beautiful charitable and seeming like dudes that wouldn't judge you.
Starting point is 00:40:28 And also fucking a lot. Good for them. I mean, because Redford fucks too, right? He had to. They all do. That guy's still out there fucking. Good on him. This guy's hard as a rock right now. He's no problems. But he's not improving the taste of my salad. That's fair. For that, I'm docking him points. There you go. And he doesn't have a pretty good fake Oreo cookie.
Starting point is 00:40:51 Oh, yeah. Not a great one, but for like a thing that you buy at a natural food store, a pretty good one. Yeah. Because they don't sell regular ones at Whole Foods where Sam shops. You know, 365. I'm cheap. Whole Foods 365. shops. You know, 365. I'm cheap. Whole Foods 365. The bargain option.
Starting point is 00:41:07 I will say who of our era is going to be the next Paul Newman? I want to say George Clooney thinks he will do that with tequila. He probably already has. I don't know. Who's the next food girly from Hollywood? Do you think Clooney considers tequila to be fundamentally charitable? When he's drinking it. I mean, I put a little splash of Casamigos on my
Starting point is 00:41:26 greens. You like that? You make a little side salad. It can be simple, arugula, salt and pepper, slice up a cucumber, and just a splash of Casamigos. What if our real modern Paul Newman was low-key George Foreman? The grill revolutionized American life. The Foreman grill revolutionized college student life. That's true. Because we all had one, not up to fire code, in our dorms. Remember that? Yeah, along with one of those- I had a Foreman grill in my dorm. One of those semi-translucent VTech telephones. These are the two things that were issued with all dorm rooms.
Starting point is 00:42:09 And to bring it back, George Foreman also had a Genesis game. Yeah. And you know what, George? Oh, shit. There we go. Definitely a nasty freak. And a nasty lava freak. He had a bunch of kids. He had a bunch of kids and they were all named George, right? They were all conceived on the side of Mount Vesuvius.
Starting point is 00:42:29 Wow. Wow. Wow. Okay. So when something momentous happens to you, we ask you to give us a call at 206-9844-FUN, or even better, send us a voice memo at jjgoeatmaximumfun.org. Here's an example of someone who's done that. Hi, Jordan, Jesse, and guests. This is Josh calling from Japan with a moment of shame. A few days ago, I got into a bicycling accident and broke both my arms. And so today, my boss, an elderly Japanese man, came to my house and scrubbed me down from head to toe. But while he was washing me, he looked at my penis and said, I'm not going to wash you there.
Starting point is 00:43:07 And I said, okay. Thanks for all the hours of entertainment. Bye. How many dudes in Japan do you think talk like Ted Theodore Logan from Bill and Ted? What proportion of the population? This is why I can't live abroad, because I feel like I don't obey the rules of hospitality. Like, I know that in many cultures around the world, they are much more hospitable and neighborly than Americans are. And you have to accept the generosity. Otherwise, you're like not performing good citizenship. And you send me to somewhere like that,
Starting point is 00:43:46 I'm going to be like, you're not, no, you're not going to wash me, bro. Sorry. And I would feel so bad because I would be doing the wrong thing by those cultural standards. But I'm not nice enough to live outside of Southern California at this point.
Starting point is 00:44:00 Clooney could wash you, right? Nah. No. No. Hey, a little splash of casamigos would gets rid of those scabies right i'm just wondering what is the like how do you politely decline such generosity is there any way to do it in a culture like japan i think you just say, I don't want this HR violation to turn into an HJ violation. Yeah, that's fair. And then everyone laughs a lot because that was really funny. Yeah, definitely. No matter what country you're in, they're going to get that complicated joke.
Starting point is 00:44:36 Oh yeah. But I even think about like, you know how like Americans are always like, oh, we should get coffee sometime. We never mean it. My dumb ass would live somewhere else and just have like- I make people get coffee. I get annoying. I need to hang out. I love it. It's how I stay alive. She just shows up at your door with a Samovar.
Starting point is 00:44:55 We're having coffee. But just my luck, I would move somewhere, start a new life in some foreign country, and then just always be going to get coffee because I would not. I just like, I'm so scared of like different hospitality cultures. I don't know why I shared this with you both right now, but that is a fear of mine. This is great.
Starting point is 00:45:13 This is great. We're beautiful. We're sharing. I love this. We're sharing. We're sharing. Do you already take your shoes off at the door? Oh, I have to.
Starting point is 00:45:20 Oh yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, if you're going to put your feet up right onto your sheets, you don't even make your fucking bed like a disgusting animal. Filthy ass sheets. That's right. That's right.
Starting point is 00:45:30 Jesse, Sam was sharing with us, and then you went and burned him. I was sharing. Yeah. Now, if young Paul Newman's doing the washing and the soap is his salad dressing, record that. I'm in. Get over here, HUD. record that. I'm in.
Starting point is 00:45:43 Get over here, HUD. You won't believe how many eggs I can eat. That's cool hand Luke. Cool hand job Luke. I could maybe kind of relate to why not? Why the fuck not? Okay, here's
Starting point is 00:46:01 another call. Wait, what would y'all do? First, first, first. first, first, first. If Clooney wanted to wash us? I have sure... No, if your elder supervisor or colleague at work offered to wash your body after you broke both your arms biking, do you say yes to it? Or how do you say no? You're talking about David, our ad sales guy? Sure.
Starting point is 00:46:23 Yes. Let me run down the list of bosses I've had. All right. Ellen DeGeneres. Ellen DeGeneres. Maybe not. Past guest, Ben Gruber. Hell yeah. You should see the meaty mitts on that guy. Ooh. That guy could loofah like nobody's business. Wow. And I guess kind of in the context of this podcast, Jesse is kind of my boss. So yeah, I mean, I feel like I should get at least one sponge bath a year, right? Yeah. I think that's in the, I have not read the contract. I just signed whatever they put in front of me. Yeah, me too. But I would imagine there's at least a couple spongies in there.
Starting point is 00:47:02 Spongies. Seems like. Yeah. A couple of spongies. Spongies. Okay. Spongies. That is a word I heard. That's what we sponge bath enthusiasts call sponge baths is spongies. Spongies. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Starting point is 00:47:13 Daniel, got another call in there? Hello, Jordan, Jesse, and guest. I'm going to say completely made up person, Frank Cortez. Close. I am calling in with a momentous occasion. Cortez. I'm calling in with a momentous occasion. Today, an incredibly handsome British man flagged down my wife and I and asked for directions to Lake Tahoe. We told him, you're very far away, and I'm sorry you got so lost. Helped him punch in a local attraction that is up in Tahoe into his car built-in GPS. He said, quote, I'm not connected
Starting point is 00:47:47 to the internet. That was a good time. And after the fact, my wife and I could not stop gushing over how attractive he was. I just recently realized I was bisexual. And so it's been fun lately to talk about attractive people with my wife. And that was certainly someone who lived rent-free in our heads for the rest of the day. It was a treasured experience between us. What do you think about that? I think y'all should have drove his ass to Tahoe is what I think. Don't pass up love. This guy's already got a rental.
Starting point is 00:48:23 I'm saying, okay, if me and my partner see someone who needs directions and we both agree that they're hot. We'll just drive you over there. It's okay. It's all right. We got you. Okay, Sam, what's the cutoff for how long you'll drive with said hottie? Is it Paul Newman? Yeah, let's see.
Starting point is 00:48:43 Young Paul Newman flags you down. You're in Los Angeles. He says, do you have any idea how I get to Mount Rushmore? What do you say? And I will use all my credit card points to book him a first class flight with me sitting next to him. We're going to Mount Rushmore, baby. That's classy.
Starting point is 00:49:00 That's the classy way to do it. Sam has incredible points. Incredible points. What about Clooney? How far would you go with Clooney? He better fly me. He better fly me. Clooney's got to buy the tickets with his up in the air points. Exactly. Buy the tickets. I will say George Clooney taught me, and I already knew this, the one biggest life lesson from up in the air is never ever check a bag. You're wasting time out of your life. Don't check a bag. agree more amen let me ask you this sam cluny has to buy you a ticket what about his best friend richard kind let me google richard kind does he look like paul newman let's see hold on pretty much yeah he's sort of that okay i'm I'm going to Google. He's sort of Paul Newman-esque Richard Kind from Spin City.
Starting point is 00:49:46 My phone is so slow. I'm like five iOS updates behind. Richard Kind. It's literally so slow. Hold on. Okay. Now, this is what they call a pregnant pause, Jordan. Oh, no.
Starting point is 00:50:03 He can go get a map. He can go get a map. He can go get a fucking map. You're giving Richard Kind a Thomas guide. Yes. Have you heard of Rand McNally, sir? Just gesture to the gas station. Have you heard of Rand McNally? I look.
Starting point is 00:50:20 I'm looking. I looked and he ain't getting in my car. Look, I would drive. I looked and he ain't getting in my car. I would drive to the St. Louis Arch with Richard Kind if he just promised to play one of his famous on-set pranks. Just one prank is all I ask. What's his most famous on-set prank? I don't know.
Starting point is 00:50:38 Something about George Clooney's pig. He steals George Clooney's pig or whatever. Putting on a red nose or something. Love it. Probably putting on a red nose and honking. Did I already tell you, Jordan, that when he came on Judge Sean Hodgman, he rode on a red nose or something. Love it. Probably putting on a red nose and honking. Did I already tell you, Jordan, that when he came on Judge Sean Hodgman, he rode on a city bike? You did. It's delightful.
Starting point is 00:50:51 I love it. Hell yeah. It's all I think about. Only thing I think about. Okay, what's the beloved character actor cutoff for who you would drive to Mount Rushmore? I'll start. Yeah. Mount Rushmore. I'll start. Yeah. I'm going to say my cutoff is M. Emmett Walsh. If M. Emmett Walsh flags me down. M. Emmett Walsh. He's kind of like a Coen Brothers regular. I think that's a good pick. Oh, nice guy. I mean, J.K. Simmons is an obvious one.
Starting point is 00:51:26 Yeah. I feel like that's almost too obvious that you would Rushmore with. William H. Macy can get in the backseat. William H. Macy, I'll just take you there, dude. Go ahead. It's fine. Yeah. For me, I'm going to say Jane Curtin. Oh, good and everything, including your car when you're driving her to Mount Rushmore. curtain oh good and everything including your car when you're driving her to mount rushmore absolutely and then maybe we would do some you know she'd do something horny and judgmental i would be into that you know who everyone would give a ride to who's that just like general likable guy jamie fox yeah most charming man in hollywood no i wouldn't do it you're like oh jamie where are you going i wouldn't do it come on nope it would be like the birthday party that he didn't get into the other day.
Starting point is 00:52:07 Whose birthday party was it that he didn't get into the other day? It was Cardi B's. Yeah. Yeah. Cardi. But also, Cardi, that's bad juju. Like that Jamie Foxx? Come on.
Starting point is 00:52:15 I would Cardi B Jamie Foxx because I would be worried that he would do impressions. And I don't want to fucking go all the way to Mount Rushmore with a bunch of fucking impressions. But he's really good at impressions. Yeah, nail him. Have you heard his Trump? His Trump is so good. It is a very good Trump, but I don't want it. That's the thing.
Starting point is 00:52:32 He's going to start doing Trump and I'm going to be like, come on, man. But also what if he sang? He also has had an illustrious recording career. He could just serenade you for a few hours in the car. No, if I want a singer actor in my car all the way to mount rushmore i mean jordan i think you're going to be on the same page with me about this you're going to say tyrese it's tyrese tyrese yeah no i mean of course i want
Starting point is 00:52:57 tyrese in the car and i'll take brandy too if we're playing this game i'll take brandy as brandy for sure brandy for sure. Brandy for sure. Okay, who do I want in the car? I want... Who do I most want in the car? A singer-songwriter for a very, very, very, very, very long road trip. But they have to be a singer
Starting point is 00:53:14 and an actor. So you can pick Chris Christopherson. That's not a bad choice. I can pick Mariah Carey. She was in Precious and Glitter. So there. Mariah, come on, girl.
Starting point is 00:53:24 Let's go to Rushmore and i'm of course gonna go gary sinise from the lieutenant dan band hell yeah hell yeah 206-9844 fun or jj go at maximumfund.org we'll be back i'm choosing bruno from the return of bruno not bruce willis character bruno mars maybe him he'd be fun god no talk about people who's gonna do impressions he's gonna be like you want to hear james brown again i'm gonna be like no i've heard it it's like jesse but i'm a chameleon i've seen you do mj i'm a chameleon uh get your own thing okay no i saw him in vegas i saw him in vegas a good fucking show that man can perform i bet it was how many costume changes a few you know as a kid i want to say he he was a
Starting point is 00:54:15 a young michael jackson impersonator and it like helped feed his family like he's been in this for like he is that dude i think he's just a show. And if he got lost and wanted to go to Mount Rushmore, we're going. Yeah. What about Hugh Jackman? Are you guys speaking of singer-actors? God, no. God, no. So self-absorbed.
Starting point is 00:54:36 Oh, my God. The last time I was in Vegas, I saw... Compared to Bruno Mars? Okay, go ahead. Compared to Mariah? Hey, now. The last time I was in Vegas, I saw the Lieutenant Dan band. Ten costume changes.
Starting point is 00:54:50 Stop. Oh, so many costume changes. Stop. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. I'm Jesse Thorne. On the next Bullseye, our annual Halloween spectacular. We'll interview Anna Fabrega from Los Espookys,
Starting point is 00:55:12 Monet X Change from Drag Race, and the great R.L. Stine, creator of Goosebumps. You know, I don't really get too deep into the real fears. It's a lot safer to do a dummy coming to life. That's on the next Bullseye for MaximumFun.org and NPR. Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have a special announcement. I'm no longer embarrassed by my brother, my brother, and me. You know, for years, each new episode of this supposed advice show was a fresh insult,
Starting point is 00:55:51 a depraved jumble of erection jokes, ghost humor, and frankly, this is for the best, very little actionable advice. But now, as they enter their twilight years, I'm as surprised as anyone to admit that it's gotten kind of good. Justin, Travis, and Griffin's witticisms are more refined, like a humor column in a fancy magazine. And they hardly ever say bazinga anymore. So, after you've completely finished listening to every single one of all of our other shows, why not join the McElroy brothers every week for My Brother, My Brother and Me? It's Jordan, Jesse Goh.
Starting point is 00:56:35 I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy. Detective. Sam Sanders, nauseous filmgoer. But nevertheless, I persisted. He finished the volcano documentary. I sure did. And then took my ass home and drank some ginger ale. Yeah. That's what all those t-shirts were about that said, nevertheless,
Starting point is 00:56:55 she persisted. It was about Sam sticking with it. I too was in the front row of the theater. The oppression. I had to crane my neck. Now, Sam, historically, we've directed corrections on this program to our friends at J.D. Power and Associates, just as a matter of maintaining our quality. You know, we really believe in maintaining. I hear you. I hear you. Yeah. That said, recently, we jumped onto a new platform called Twitter it's a thing it's a thing we're on twitter at jordan jesse go really excited to see what elon musk does with it my like my greatest hope jordan for the future of twitter is that he uses one of his uh hole digging machines
Starting point is 00:57:41 you know how he invented a new kind of hole digging machine that's all anyone could talk about did you read the whole article where it was all just like hype there's like several now investigative exposés were like oh he just made that shit up he just made it up nothing he's ever done has been good right he's a shitty guy he does steal some dank memes from the hard drive yeah i like it when he reposts memes from the hard drive. Yeah, that's true. He reposts memes from the hard drive and then gets into a fight with them. So we're on Twitter now, at JordanJesseGo, and for that reason, we have decided to open up some direct corrections. So if you want to follow us at JordanJesseGo, you do have the privilege of sharing any corrections you have with us. You know, if, if Jordan hadn't pointed out that I was talking about cool hand Luke,
Starting point is 00:58:30 when he was talking about HUD, despite the fact that I thought we were just saying Paul Newman things, I didn't think that the egg thing was from HUD. You could have corrected us about that but we have a correction here from at holly co 18 and it's about matthew mcconaughey's memoir which you had been listening to on audiobook jordan yeah uh i really really had a good time with mcconaughey's audiobook and it looks like this is in reference to mcconaughey's claim or my claim, that one of McConaughey's childhood accomplishments was winning some sort of contest called Texas's Best Boy. No, this is what... Everybody knows that. Sam Sanders?
Starting point is 00:59:13 Yeah. Was this Boys State? Was that what it was? Because I know about Boys State. No, I was in Boys State, except it was called Junior State because girls were allowed. I don't know if it's different in Texas. I think this is just some sort of boys beauty contest that he won. I could see that for him. I could see that.
Starting point is 00:59:34 Good looking guy. I'd take him to Rushmore. Get in the car, Matthew. We're going to Mount Rushmore. I'm not taking him to Mount Rushmore. No. Probably smells. Too smelly.
Starting point is 00:59:42 He would just annoy me. He would annoy me. He'd be, you know, can I bring my congas in the car with me? No, you can't, Matthew. He smells like cigarettes and shells. Can I get naked? No, Matthew. Exactly.
Starting point is 00:59:54 Here's the correction from the listener. I listened to Matthew McConaughey's memoir and loved it. A possible correction from today's episode. I think the best boy in Texas thing ended up being a falsehood that he found out much later in his life. His mom says he won, but may have been fake or came in second. And I guess our producer Daniel did a little digging with this correction as a guide. He thought he had won the 1977 Little Mr. Texas title. But a few years ago, he zoomed in on the picture of him holding the trophy.
Starting point is 01:00:22 And it turned out it actually says little mr texas runner-up 1977 so my apologies to the mcconaughey estate for my error and uh don't you want to apologize to the person who actually won oh ted cruz my apologies to ted cru, the real little Mr. Texas. 1977 and 2022. I don't care what the year is. Ted Cruz is doing Texas proud by being a weird little pimple. There's two Ted Cruz truisms. Number one, everybody likes him and wants to be friends with him. Yeah, cool guy. And number two, everybody thinks the boy is fine.
Starting point is 01:01:08 I was in the room when he dropped out of the presidential race in 15 or 16, because I was covering the election that year. And I started out with Bernie and then I bounced around between all the candidates. And I was in Indianapolis when he finally realized he had to drop out and he had his wife come on stage first and break the news. It was really weird. And then after they're like, we have to quit. The crowd wouldn't leave the room and they all kind of just stayed and like prayed for him. And then they all gathered for a communal singing of like the national anthem. It was weird. Oh boy.
Starting point is 01:01:47 That's some, that is some Republican ass shit. I was there and I was just like, okay, keep rolling. This is good. Ted Cruz, little Mr.
Starting point is 01:01:56 Texas. And apparently big wife guy. Listen, that's like when I have to like make a phone order for some dinner and I make my wife do it because I don't like making phone calls to people I don't know. Says the person who talks for a living. Okay. Interesting. Interesting.
Starting point is 01:02:16 You know what, Sam? Go mess up your bed covers. All right. Hold on. Settle down, guys. We're almost done. Let's not get into a mudslinging match here. Sam, your new podcast on Vulture is called Into It.
Starting point is 01:02:30 It's awesome. I've been listening. Very funny, very smart. It's a good way to know what's going on on the latest season of the Kardashians without having to watch the latest season of the Kardashians. There you go. Public service. We're doing it for you.
Starting point is 01:02:43 Every Thursday, find episodes wherever you get your podcast it's fun games some deep dive interviews on pop culture and a showcase of some of the best journalism from vulture and eric magazine every thursday where you get your podcast i go get my podcast down at the piggly wiggly there you go there you go i also if i may I have another podcast to plug. Yes, you have a bullshit podcast. I have a bullshit podcast. So deep in pandemic, I told the two guys with me in my favorite group chat, like, what if we turned our group chat into a podcast? And they're both journalists. They had done audio work and TV work before. So I was like, oh, they could do it. We put a pilot on SoundCloud and just
Starting point is 01:03:25 sold it. And that show is called Vibe Check and it publishes every Wednesday. And on that one, we just talk about any and everything with my two friends, Zach Stafford and Saeed Jones, the award-winning poet, author, et cetera. So if you want a double dose of Samuel Houston Sanders III, that's my full name, vibe check on Wednesdays, into it on Thursdays, and the rest of the week, do what the hell you want to do. On Tuesday, who cares? Who fucking cares? Walk out into traffic. We don't fucking care what you do on Tuesday.
Starting point is 01:03:58 That's right. Yeah. Go take a long walk off a short pier Tuesdays. Go pull down your pants in the Piggly Wiggly. We don't give a fuck. How about this? Monday's jumping a lake. And Friday, get the fuck out of my way.
Starting point is 01:04:10 Yeah. Yeah. Don't let Sam see you on a Friday. I'm headed to Mount Rushmore. Well, Sam, it's been a joy. Your work is wonderful. I'm grateful that I no longer have to compete with you for the limited weekend hours available on America's public radio stations. It's a real relief.
Starting point is 01:04:29 I can go back to failing against everyone else. Hey, now. Hey, now. Hey, now. And it's – What's going on? It's been a joy. This has been so much fun.
Starting point is 01:04:41 Thank you both for having me. I'm sorry I had to postpone it once or twice, but we did it, Joe. And I had a great time. I had a great time. Thank y'all so much. That's what Kamala Harris was talking about.
Starting point is 01:04:52 Doing our podcast. Exactly. Bless you, Sam. Our producer is Daniel Zafran. Our producer emeritus is Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. You can find us on Twitter at Jordan,
Starting point is 01:05:03 Jesse go and us individually on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Jordan underscore Morris. You can find us on Instagram at put.this.on and at JordanDavidMorris. You can find us on Facebook at Facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo. And Jordan, I don't know if you've noticed this, but the memes are getting really dank. These memes are extraordinary. They're not stealing these from hard drive. Yeah. Yeah.
Starting point is 01:05:32 We don't need you hard drive. Yeah. Stick to fighting with Elon Musk in a hilarious way. Yeah. We're focused on whether Jordan has a son yet. Yeah. These are very, listen, like this show, the memes will be incomprehensible to other people in your life. We hope you will enjoy them. Check us out on Facebook and Twitter.
Starting point is 01:05:53 Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Yes, it is in a real estate commercial at this time. So sorry that we're not in it in that commercial that much. It mostly focuses on young couples, but we make a cameo just because they want to get some of our heat. And that's it. We'll talk to you next time you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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