Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Long Scentless Ropes, with Jackie Kashian

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

We're starting the new year off right with one of our favorite guests Jackie Kashian, who joins us for a conversation about living with her mother-in-law, never owning a bike, and more!MaxFun members can listen to another amazing episode of our Burt Reynold's rewatch podcast Stache Rules Everything Around Me, in which we talk about Sharky's Machine with Matt Kirshen. Join now to listen!Try Stitch Fix today and you’ll get 25% off when you keep everything in your Fix.Do you like stand up comedy and super producer Matt Lieb? Come to Performance Anxiety at The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood on Tuesday, January 9 and see him and other great comics perform! Jordan wrote a brand new graphic novel called Youth Group which you can pre-order at The Book House of Stuyvesant Plaza in Albany, NY.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh, I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy, detective. I was at the flea market this morning, Jordan, shopping for last minute holiday gifts. Man, you waited till the last minute? I waited till the last minute again. I didn't minute holiday gifts. Oh, man. You waited till the last minute? I waited till the last minute again. I didn't get holiday gifts.

If only there was a better way. I know. There is. It's Renewvie, an app where you can get all your favorite brands. Renewvie. I don't know if that's an actual app. I was walking into- Christian, filling in for Matt matt today go ahead and buy

renuvi.com and then christian can you get all our favorite brands yeah get all our favorite brands cold stone creamery macy's just cold stone creamery and macy's is fine if you want to get dillard's go ahead and get Dillard's. If Kohl's wants in, tell them we'll consider it. Yeah. So I was walking in there and there's a man talking to... You hadn't yet downloaded Renewvie. No. I was

walking in there as a man talking to another man about some chairs that were there. Some big set of chairs. Guy says, those are great chairs. Guy who's selling the chair says yeah man know where i got those i i got those in an old barber shop remember how back in the day when you were waiting for your haircut do you sit in now these ace these kids nowadays standing up before their haircuts yeah you know how you know how uh you know back in the day if you were standing up

on the bus you'd hold on to a bar or strap yeah i guess maybe you know maybe these millennials with their standing desks have infiltrated the the barber shop space everybody's looking to look sittings the new smoking jesse jordan you know how uh back in the day if your fries were too dry you would put them in ketchup back in the day in the day you know how ogs will get the day. Yeah, back in the day. Only OGs will get this one. You know how back in the day you sat down at the barbershop and you do that now? Yeah. And nothing changed?

You know you're a millennial if you sit in chairs. Such a girl boss move. Yeah, classic girl boss move. Sitting in a chair. I'm a Hufflepuff. These are all millennial moves, right? How did the shopping go? You had some last minute gifts to buy. Did you find what you were looking for?

And also, I'm curious, who in the fam is hardest to shop for? My wife is the hardest to shop for well my children they just were my children have are somewhat brittle yeah not not physically they're quite physically resilient uh-huh but they're emotionally they're emotionally brittle thanks to their peanut brittle. Yeah. Just don't get them. If they're emotionally brittle, don't get them the jar where the snakes jump out. That will crush them. My children really would flip the fuck out on me if I tried that shit. My children don't like surprises and they don't like tension.

Thanks to their various neurodivergences and for that reason my wife a year or two ago pioneered a new family tradition which is everyone knows what they're going to get ahead of time and so it somewhat reduces the like four days before and four days after of just pure chaos of christmas because of people either anticipating uh what they might get or uh having some feeling about what they did get do you wrap it still or is that just out yeah i i wrap it and i write a little rap about it as well. So my kids are getting, I don't know, to Patrice's. My name is Dad, and I'm here to say I love my kids in every way. All right. Let's introduce our guest.

Yeah. Our guest on the program. Maybe she's got a few bars to spit our guest on the program is a great is a great pal of ours a brilliant stand-up comic co-host of one of my favorite comedy podcasts the jackie and laurie show jackie cation hi jackie hi hi you guys i've been taking notes about what you were talking about i was like let, let them do banter. Let them do co-host banter before I, Jackie Kishin, am allowed into the room. What are you getting my kids for Christmas, Jackie? We need to tell them now. They cannot find out on Christmas. I also don't enjoy tension or any sort of, and I never thought of it as neurodivergent, but that's because I'm 100.

But the thing is, is I've had three 27-year-olds in the last six months tell me that they're going through trauma therapy. And I was like, you guys have dental. Where's the trauma and then i realized what was invented 30 years ago and it was the 24-hour news cycle and i was like oh of course you have trauma of course you hate tension of course you don't want you know the fact that it you know a four year old cnn is playing in the background yeah yeah that can't be good you can't fix indonesia i'm so sorry um how is your holiday shopping going jackie oh not bad not bad uh i keep buying things though i was told see it is interesting about the about the secret part of it because my husband and his

family did lists and so we always do lists of things that they're like oh these are the things i want and i'm like or you could just go buy those what this is a weird and plus we're all you know adults and so i was like okay here's my list and i did uh i will say this, and he is, I don't know why I'm whispering, because this will be a podcast. I've never had a bike. I never got a bike. And I think he's getting me a bike. Because I was told, I'm in the garage office, and I was told that I can't go in this closet. And the only thing big enough that would have to go in that closet might be a bike it could

be a puppy it could be a puppy we have two dogs it could be a bdsm thing don't discount that it's a ball gag and a pineapple shirt because he wants to be a swinger did you guys know that yeah the pineapple is the uh is this is the signal that you're you're down to to swap to swap partners a shirt with a pineapple on it or carrying a pineapple anything involving a pineapple you just if you're carrying one i think you should have to carry a pineapple whether you're carrying it for you know signaling reasons or just because you like a nice tropical fruit you have to let anyone fuck your wife who asks that's just how it works is that why people keep fucking my wife because i carry a pineapple everywhere jesse yes

yes yes i just love fruits it's hard yeah pineapple's a great fruit it's hard to keep up i'm switching to papaya oh you don't want to know what you got to do if you're carrying a papaya. Oh, no. I have to say that I bought my dad probably a year ago, maybe more. The people that I go to for my gardening needs, my gardening needs here in Los Angeles, they have a garden center called sago nursery it's over on burbank and laurel canyon another sponsor you guys and um i used to do a bit of i wish we could get that sago money yeah that sweet sweet sago money uh they the it's owned by this family and the family gave me the sago's possibly uh and uh they gave me a ten dollar gift certificate to give to my dad for mcdonald's because i do a joke about him

going to mcdonald's for because he loves the senior discount and um it's funnier than that yeah that's the premise that it's a part of the joke yeah right we're not gonna make you do the whole joke right it's not like an album people can get or something sure punchline is that your dad is old the punchline is that my dad is available to get uh a senior coffee no uh do you know what i heard i'm just going to talk about nine things at once if that's sure someone told me uh last night i went to a social event not not easy for me don't care um bunch of strangers like it's 2019 anyway uh so we're we're at this party and somebody tells me a joke a joke joke and it was something about yeah like a street joke of there was uh some old guys dying and his

family's around him and he says you know the last thing I want to taste is some of your mother's cooking. And his son says, all right, I'll go get you something, Dad. I'll be right back. And he comes back and he goes, Mom says no, that it's for after. And I was like, that's a really great joke. I don't know. Jackie, do you want to hear a joke I read in Reader's Digest? I'm sure I've heard it.

My father is constantly reading me jokes from Reader's Digest. This is great. I have some blonde jokes that my dad forwarded me in 2002. I'm so glad you kept them. Forward, forward, forward, forward, forward, blonde jokes. This is, Jackie, this is the joke I read in Reader's Digest. So the husband says to the wife, honey, I love your mother,

but eight years is a long time. I think it's time for her to get her own place. And the wife says, my mother? I thought she was your mother. Wow. All right. That came out of. That is a good joke, right?

Yeah, solid. It's a solid joke. I live with my mother-in-law. Oh. Yes, she moved in about a year and a half ago and um is it as constantly hilarious as sitcoms have led us to believe no um i i like her and i love her and i am working on a new genre called positive mother-in-law jokes uh so uh mixed reviews on that the success ratio okay uh but it's only about a year and a half and uh quite honestly it will

only be another year and a half and then we are done uh because she has a terminal illness no uh i will take it on the arches i will not let the door hit me in the ass. We live in a 966 square foot house. And I am clearly a monster. Anyway. No, she's great. Yeah, but maybe these positive jokes will kind of create a good vibe in the house. You know. My mother-in-law's cooking is so great.

How great is it, you know? I can't stop eating it. Sorry. That's not that funny. Oh, just a fact tonight she got to pick uh sometimes we order and she's actually not been feeling well so she was like i would like taco bell and i don't know uh what what uh when you yeah when you're not feeling great you definitely want to dump a little Taco Bell on that, right? Right. And I was wondering, like, everyone has a guilty pleasure of fast food.

Some people, it's In-N-Out. Mine is, disgustingly enough, McDonald's. But I think the Taco Bell is the most disgusting. I think even Taco Bell fans would say that. I know, you know, like, yeah, I think even Taco Bell fans would be like, yeah, I get it. Yeah. I think with Taco Bell, it is the most disgusting, but it is probably the best at that. Like, Taco Bell is, doesn't even, I think, legally qualify as a food product. But I definitely see the appeal in a way that I don't with I don't know Wendy's or something.

You know what I mean? Like with Wendy's, I'm just like, well, this is just a shitty hamburger. But with Taco Bell, I'm like, this space paste has its appeal. Right. It's a salt lick. It's just a schmear of salt. So, I mean, I ate two crunchy tacos. It was food.

And now I have no hunger. So, I mean, on the whole, it's a win. That's their new slogan, Taco Bell. Soon you will have no hunger. Their layers of textures and colors are an impressive engineering feat, if nothing else. I don't know, colors plural? I think they just got the one, right? Yeah, okay, brownish.

Yeah. Colors. Gray-y. Yeah, okay, brownish. Yeah. Colors. Gray-y. Jackie, I was on your great other podcast a few weeks back,

The Dork Forest. Had so much fun. I got to talk about Mortal Kombat for an hour. And Street Fighter. And Street Fighter. But I was not shocked, but delighted to find that you were also a huge Mortal Kombat fan to the point where you have mains and you own one of the movies on DVD. Oh, I have the first movie on DVD.

Yes, I do. And the second one was just playing in deep cable when I was on the road. And I watched it. And it's not as bad as I remember. Oh, no. Mortal Kombat colon annihilation. Right, right. Jackie, who's your main?

Oh, well, my main is always Katana, but then I also enjoy Nightwolf a great deal. Like to the point where I had a crush on him. It isn't, you know, he's an animated character in a video. Have you seen this? We've all crushed on Nightwolf. Christian, drop a couple of's an animated character in a video. Have you seen this guy? We've all crushed on Nightwolf. Christian, drop a couple pics of Nightwolf in the chat. I will say

this. I've got a pineapple to mail that guy. I didn't know that men have always had crushes on animated ladies and drawn ladies. My first animated crush was, of course, the adolescent. No, no. Would have been Racer X.

And then the adolescent Bam Bam. Oh, sure. Speed. Oh, right. There were the teenage Flintstone kids. Wait, there's a teen Bam Bam? Yeah. Adolescent Bam Bam.

Was it on like a WB reboot? Like a Riverdale type thing? Right. No, it was mid-70 a wb reboot like a riverdale type thing right no it was mid 70s i i too was a child bought a bear and fucked his teacher when i was probably eight or nine years old cults yeah he was probably 14 or 15 so when you're an eight or nine year old child that's who you're gonna crush on you're gonna crush on a 14 15 year old you're gonna think that person's an adult i remember thinking when i was eight or nine years old that i would be an adult when i was 12 and that i would probably be giving a motorbike and probably uh none of that happened all that happened was a junior high which was easily one of the worst times of the world so um can i tell you a motorbike thing that happened to me today today my daughter gracie and i were headed to the movie theater uh to see the film wonka

which i cannot recommend oh i was gonna ask going to ask. I cannot, sadly. Despite it being from the mind of the Paddington director, huh? And despite it starring 70% of anyone who's ever been good in anything. Like truly just a murderer's row of amazing performers. And the guy who directed the two best family films of the last 20 years. And yeah, I cannot recommend it. But that's not what I'm here to say. What I'm here to say is.

You love your kids in a major way. Yeah. As we were driving down Figueroa Boulevard, headed to the Highland Theater, a gang of tiny motorcyclists drove by. Do you know the kind of motorcycle that a bear rides in a circus? Sure. Yes. So you know how they have that kind of motorcycle, but a human man could ride on it. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, there's a store in my neighborhood that sells those they're tiny they look like they should be sold to to children by parents who don't want to have children yeah like they're so like they go 45 miles an hour like they're real motorcycles and so it was a group of guys who appeared to be ne'er-do-wells. Wait, Lost Boys? They may have been Lost Boys. Were they vampires? I didn't get a look at their choppers. I only saw their choppers. I guess if they were out in the daytime,

that maybe points to maybe not. There was about eight of them. Could be day walkers, all right? Wearing motorcycle outfits. Not like motorcycle gang from peewee's big adventure motorcycle outfits but like special motorcycle clothes to look like badasses okay and they were just riding around with each other in this little club and my daughter turned to me and she said, do you think they think they're cool? Do you?

And how old is your daughter? She's 12 years old. Oh, that's the age when she can see right to the heart of the matter. She knows what's really sexy. It's a 14-year-old Bam Bam. Oh, no, when you're 12, it's going to be Mulan's boyfriend from that movie. Then we watched the movie Wonka there at the Highland Theater. Cannot recommend it. And I do recommend the Highland Theater.

No matter what movie you go to, it costs $7. Oh, my God. And they got that ranch powder for your popcorn. But on our way back, there was just one of those guys going the opposite way on the street. And I just thought he'd lost his buddies. He's just riding around on his tiny motorcycle. Aw, jeez. Aw, jeez, guys.

Guys, you got to go on ahead. I'm going to go see Wonka. I want the name of their gang to be called disposable income because that's like everybody had to spend 2200 i don't know what could those motorcycles in my mind in my mind you take 89 to the rc car store and they sell you one of those under the table but you got to bring cash but you buy it at the docks for $69.95. It was the last thing that Radio Shack sold before it closed. Exactly.

Did you ever see a movie in the 80s called Time Rider? Red leather on a red crotch rocket. Time Rider sounds like the most 80s shit of all time. It's the most 80s shit of all time. I've never seen it. I can hear the soundtrack. It is about a guy whose motorcycle goes so fast, Jordan. So fast.

How fast does it go? Back in time. Whoa, shit. Jesse, Cowboy Times. That's right. He's in Cowboy Times in a bright red leather outfit. So they just saw Back to the Future and they're like, what if that but motorcycle? 83.

Year before Back to the Future. Oh my God. So fucking Zemeckis ripped off Time Rider. No, he didn't. Okay. Wow. It is not good. I believe they had to, though I believe they too had to invent gasoline.

Right. That is. You know what movie I've seen, Jordan? Mortal Kombat, the movie. I was going to ask, Jesse, I know you have a Mortal Kombat fan in your house. my family a source of genuine strife that until we managed to patch it over led to actual violence is a disagreement between my middle child who likes who likes street fighter and my oldest child. Who likes Mortal Kombat. Now, you mock, but this was what we spent an hour discussing. Six-button configuration, five-button configuration.

Your children clearly... It's a meaty topic, Jesse. It's a meaty... You laugh, but we filled a whole podcast with it. Well, Jordan, that's why I was surprised to hear that you had talked about Mortal Kombat on Jackie's show. Because I happen to know for a fact that you are a celebrated Street Fighter enthusiast. Yeah, I mean, Street Fighter will always be my main hang. I do have a dirty little side piece.

Her name's Mortal Kombat. Wow. Street Fighter's out of town. So you're Mortal Kombat, child. What platform are we playing this? She plays it on her Sega Genesis. Oh, wow. Sega Genesis is the platform.

The only way to play. And she makes me watch Mortal Kombat the movie on Hulu or something. It's also possible that we had to buy it on Amazon Prime to watch it. I have bought several things on Amazon Prime that I own the DVD. Feet, not even a full 18 inches to the left of the television is a DVD of that, but instead I went oh, $7.99. Yeah, right? So prevent me from having to get up, open this

player. What impressed me about Mortal Kombat the movie is the multitudes it contains. In that there are some people everyone everyone is giving the movie their all i would say 100 and it's such a broad variety of types and levels of success at giving it your all like there's some of the people you're like i'll grant you this is somebody who should be in a television film not a major motion picture based on skills and charisma but they'd be

doing a good job in that television movie right right you're like right this person does so this person is selling the jokes doing whatever mugging literally growling i mean the commitment is enormous some of the people seem like it was their first and last experience with the entertainment didn't care for it went into real estate after mortal kombat some of the people appear to be martial arts masters. Right. First and foremost. And exclusively. Some of them appear to be exclusively not martial arts masters.

True, true. Yeah, I guess we have our action stars now are also, if you put them side by side to the action stars of the 80s and 90s, insanely charismatic. We have The Rock and Jason Momoa and John Cena. And you do also now have to be a funny charmer to be an action star. Not the case in the 80s and 90s.

Not the case. A little wooden, I would say. Some of Mortal Kombat, the acting was a little... I guess, yeah, you also have, I think you have those categories that you described, Jesse, and then you have Christopher Lambert, whose vibe is, therefore, the paycheck. Yeah.

And how. Have you guys seen Axel? A-X-L? No, uh-uh. Oh, it's about a robot murder dog who doesn't want to be a robot murder dog oh that's weirdly it's also a prequel to beverly hills cop it's got that great soundtrack yeah the army has created a robot murder dog and he doesn't want to be a robot murder dog so he runs out and he uh and he gets he wants to be a real boy murder must be a

real boy and murder only when uh his best his his dog friend his human friend is in trouble he wants to found the magazine murder dog local rap music magazine murder dog i would read in borders remember back in the day when you'd go to borders to read murder dog and you'd sit at the barber shop that is an actual murder dog yeah yeah that is an actual back in the day yeah that one is a back in the day no one is it back in the day you want to know what selly sell has been up to not gonna cover that in the source um guys i gotta listen i'm i've been standing this whole time as a millennial I'm always standing sitting as the new smoking

do you want to take a little break sit down and then we'll stand up again and keep doing the podcast we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jessica It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective, here to take a break and say thank you to all the good folks who have gone to MaximumFun.org slash join and become a MaxFun member.

Those are the folks that keep this show going and all the other great shows on MaximumFun.org. Plus, these folks get a ton of cool bonus content, including the latest episode of our hit Burt Reynolds recap podcast, Stash Rules Everything Around Me. That's right. We reviewed Sharky's Machine, the gritty detective classic starring Burt Reynolds. We reviewed that with the great Matt Kirshen from the Probably Science podcast. So yeah, if you're a MaxFun member, you can hear that episode plus all of our Burt Reynolds recap episodes. That's MaximumFun.org slash join.

We also want to say thank you this week to the good folks at stitch fix it's a new year i think a style refresh would feel very very good and if you want to refresh that style of yours head on over to stitchfix.com slash jj go here's what you do there. You take a fun style quiz. Stitch Fix appoints you a personal stylist. You tell that person what you like, what you don't like. Do you need stuff for the office? Do you need stuff for nights out? Do you need comfy around the house soft clothes? Stitch Fix has all that stuff and they will ship it to you. You try it on. If you like it, you keep it. If not, you send it back in a handy-dandy prepaid envelope. It is so fun. It is so easy. I have been using Stitch Fix for years. I love it. It has really helped me up my

style game. Every Stitch Fix box I get has something great in it. The stylist will learn about your tastes and collaborate with you on looks you'll love. They got a wide range of sizes from XS to 3XL. They'll find your perfect fit and send you clothes handpicked just for you. Thanks, Stitch Fix. They just get me. And they'll get you too. Try at stitch fix dot com slash JJ go and you'll get 25 percent off when you keep everything in your fix. That's stitch fix dot com slash JJ go stitch fix dot com slash JJ go. And hey, this is a fun thing. Southern California area on Tuesday, January 9th, our super producer Matt Lieb is going to be doing a stand-up comedy show at The Pleasure Chest in West Hollywood. That's right, The Pleasure Chest is the sex-positive dildo store where we get the phrase anal August. I thought that was a fun bit

of JJ Go! Convergence. Too fun not to mention. Yeah, so if you're there in the Southern California area, hit up The Pleasure Chest on Tuesday, January 9th to see our own Matt Lieb doing stand-up comedy. That's at 8 p.m. And yeah, you know, if you're going to browse their website to get more info on the show, just, you know, not safe for work. I think you probably assumed that, but, you know, I'll just say it here.

The Pleasure Chest. And as always, I want to remind you that Youth Group, the new graphic novel from me and Bowen McGurdy, a YA horror comedy romp, is available this year from First Second Books, and you can pre-order it now, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Bookshop.org, or better yet, at your local indie bookstore. So if you've pre-ordered Youth Group and want us to shout out your favorite local indie

on the show, yeah, hit me up on social media. I'm at JordanDavidMorris there on Instagram. You can hit up one of the show's accounts. Let us know where you've pre-ordered Youth Group, and we'll shout them out on the show. Speaking of the show show we're going to get back to it now it's jordan jesse go i'm j Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And Jackie Cation, big NPR energy. Is that something?

I mean, that is something. It's not what you bring. There you go. It's a bait and switch, you guys. Yeah, that doesn't work. You're being too funny. You're saying jokes. I should say, should say jackie jesse i want to just double back to something from the first segment if i may uh jackie was vulnerable enough

to tell us her um animated cartoon crush as a child yeah kind of seems like the implication was we would all go around and say ours right you don't want to miss out i i wanted to you know i wanted to put myself out there like you put yourself out there um and i don't remember the name of this character but i i guarantee it's something our audience can help us find there There was an episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles that took place on a boat, like a cruise ship, I think. And Raphael had some flirty banter with what I think was a lizard lady. Uh-huh. Oh. And, yeah, I think, yes, i think she had hair which i liked but i very distinctly

remember um you know hey what can i you know i love a lady with hair sorry there's boob guys there's butt guys i'll tell you this right now our Our producer for this recording, Christian Duenas, shared a picture from that episode of the character Mona Lisa. It happened as I was describing it. I think I said it takes place on a boat. Oh, my. Wow. Yeah.

It really, Christian identified that so fast that I wonder if Christian had a period of turtle lady, lizard woman confusion in his own childhood. But you know, not wrong. She is pretty cute. She's got hair. She does have hair. It's like I remember her. And for some reason, a yellow swimsuit. She's got hair. She does have hair. It's like I remember her. And for some reason, a yellow swimsuit.

And webbed fingers. I think that's her coloring. I think that's her like... Oh, no, maybe it is a swimsuit. Anyway, I thought it was... Well, they were on a boat, remember? I'll say... You're right, they were on a boat.

I remember... The childhood crush that i really remember having was on uh wonder woman linda carter as wonder woman um and i if i could think of how this would be practically implemented as a fetish, I would probably do something with my wife where she spins around like that. And then when she stops, she's wearing a different outfit. And then she falls over.

But just like a light jacket. You would think that the thing that I remember being horny about would be some of the many, many explicitly BDSM themed elements of wonder woman as a character wonder woman a character built on a basis of like basically what if bdsm was a superhero um but uh no it is the spinning around that is the thing I remember being horny for. So you're a nasty spin freak, huh?

You're a spin freak. But how does Wonder Woman, how is she a bondage lady? Because that's what BDSM is, right? She has a magic lasso. But she also has an invisible plane. Have you ever had your nuts stepped on by an invisible plane that's how you can see your pineapple jack right i think that the uh i think that i have heard that the creator of wonder woman was a like you know uh a dominant vocal vocal bdsm guy and did put some of his stuff into the character.

Wait, Oh, I think I do remember that. Yeah, that's okay. But you, you didn't have an animated crush at all. So here's the thing I noticed recently as I was watching my favorite

television show, Archer starring Jesse Thorne season 14, episode one, starring Jesse Thorne, season 14, episode one, that I think I have a crush on all of the female characters from Archer, but I feel weird about it because I'm worried that I have a crush on the hilarious and beautiful actors who play all of them who are people I know in real life. Right, right.

Aishaler is gorgeous and a genius and a genius so it'd be a comedy and brain genius as is judy greer yeah as is amber nash just three brilliant uh spectacular geniuses now i know that aisha was on, I didn't watch Archer until after Aisha was on. I only knew Aisha Tyler from standup comedy. It turns out she's a multifaceted. You didn't know she was on friends. For example, one of the stars of friends,

right? For like a popular television season of the last 35 years. Right. And I asked her if she had been doing anything since friends and she bought me on the friends and she slapped me on the head and she was like yeah jackie i was on the talk or whatever and then i've i've been doing this and you know she's directing now and um yeah she is a genius but she was also a model before she was a stand-up and um she's a great stand-up i don't know that how much stand-up

she's doing right now but she was always just so smart and funny and just, it was so good. I should look into what Mona Lisa the Lizard Lady is up to these days. I bet she's multifaceted. I bet we could email Aisha right now and she would tell us who she mains in both Street

Fighter and Mortal Kombat. Oh, right, because she did an episode of The Dork Forest, and it was about video games. Yeah, she's a serious... She's one of those people. It's like when everyone found out that Ice-T had a video game podcast and they couldn't believe it.

You're like, this person is far too charismatic to be into video games. Aisha's one of those. Yeah. She hosted all the television shows for a while. Jackie, we have a call to get to, but I do want to know what are some of the top dorkdoms you've had on the dork forest? Oh, some of the weirdest and most,

I mean, there's genuinely so many that if I forget, like right now, this last week, the last episode of the year was 18 seasons, by the way. So knock yourself out if you guys are bored. 18 years of doing this show. Joe Zimmerman was actually really good this week. He's a New York comic, originally, I believe, from Atlanta. And he's a birder.

And he's my first birder. Really? Now that's big NPR energy. Right? Right? It's got it going on. And then last week was a guy from NPR, Adam Felber. Oh, yeah.

Right? Very funny. But his dorkdom was both Terry Pratchett, sword and sorcery writer, science fiction guy. And then we kind of did a lateral into the old comic strip, Pogo. Yeah. Pogo is a classic Gen X nerd thing that came five years before Jordan and I were able to understand what it was and didn't keep going forever like Doonesbury, where we were able to eventually be angry at its watered-down, weird, incomprehensible form by the time we got to the right age. Right.

And then there's people who were like Guy Branum did the Mitford Sisters, which was six women in England from the 30s and 40s. There were six kids. One of them was a boy, and their dad was an earl, like he was a nobility, and he would hunt them every morning. He would pretend that one of them was a fox, and the other kids, they all had to chase that child. And those people grew up to be slightly broken. One of them dated Hitler. Wow. And one of them was a law professor at UC Berkeley and taught Hillary Clinton.

And one of them was a Duchess. When you're playing the Medford sisters, who's your main? It's got to be Katana, right? It's got to be Katana. It's got to be Katana. Hey, when you figured out which Medford sister you want to main, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN. That's the number to call to give us a momentous occasion

somebody did that and Christian's gonna play it right right he is hi Jordan hi Jesse I guessed who I desperately hope is Guy Branham again Jackson and Minneapolis just talked about one year ago I called in with a momentous occasion about the Minnesota State Fair, and Guy Branum was the guest, and I correctly guessed it, and y'all slash he sent me about eight pounds of prunes as a result. Yeah. I have a hold in my hand, the last of these prunes. My momentous occasion is I'm about to finish the prunes. I'm about to finish the prunes.

Are you hearing prune finishing? It's gone. Love it. Love you guys. Pussy's still good. Later. Love you too. Do you think Guy Branum is still an official spokesman for the California Prune Council?

I don't know. What's happening with prune sales? Are they through the roof? Well, eight pounds of prunes and he ate them in a year? That guy's regular. Yeah, that guy's regular. I was going to say, I mean, you know. Real regular Joe.

Yeah. Dude, record the shit. If you're going to record yourself finishing the prunes, record the shit if you're gonna record yourself finishing the prunes record the shit it's not something i'm into but you know i think we all want to hear the shit all your favorite brands shitting together i think there's a a christmas song uh the the five golden rings it was long scentless ropes that's what you want that's what you want with it with the poop thing scentless scentless long scentless ropes rope poop hi you know what i bet the prune council is glad they're getting a second round

of free promotion out of this yeah guy brand i wonder i wonder if the I wonder if the prune concern, I wonder how they feel about the association with shit. Is it something that they're like, we want to get away from that, or in this era when gut health is so hot. It's hot. Do you want to lean into that? I don't know.

I know Guy was trying to develop a fancy reputation for prunes by simmering them and so forth. Oh, you can simmer them in brandy and then serve them on fire for dessert. And that, I might have just made that up. No, that's real. Feels it, doesn't it? It's called duck a l'orange. Right. I believe. feels it doesn't it it's called duck a l'orange right i believe you cannot sue us if your house

burns down because you were trying to ignite brandy prunes the canard yes it's called the canard is a duck i believe and i think have you guys ever had goose and i have never had goose before it's a big christmas thing and I didn't think it was great. I found out that it was not a fine fat goose, which is what you want. Oh, you want a fine fat. Okay. Yeah. That's fun fact. You want a fine fat goose.

This was just a standard goose. You want a coiled, scentless goose. I would love to try a goose. I thought about cooking a goose since a turkey is too big. I think a goose is smaller than a turkey, right? I mean, like, if I imagine a goose and a turkey, to be fair, I'm no birder. If I imagine a goose and a turkey walking towards me right now, the goose is bigger. The goose is taller, for sure.

But I think at the grocery store, the turkey is bigger. And do taller for sure but i think at the grocery store the turkey is bigger and do you eat the neck is that or you just save it for like goose stock who's making christian why did we get the picture of the sexy lizard so fast and you haven't told us which is bigger and also send us more pictures of the sexy lizard lady, Mona Lisa. I wouldn't mind one of Mulan's boyfriend. Christian is typing into chat GPT, TMNT Mona Lisa, dump them out. That's if it's a swimsuit. If it might be her, just her general coloring.

Could just be her coloration. It's impossible to know. If something momentous happens to you, give us a call 206-984-4FUN or just send us a voice memo at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. dot org we'll be back in just a second on jordan jessica hi uh this is laurie kilmartin and i'm jackie cation and we have a podcast called the jackie and laurie show on max fun and it's very exciting because what do we talk about comedy stand-up comedy we both do stand-up comedy and have since the dawn of Christ. Well, Jackie. Is that offensive? It is offensive to me because you've aged me.

We started in the late 80s and we're still here. You can't kill us. So go to the Jackie and Laurie Show on MaxFun and listen to that. The Jackie and Laurie Show. New episodes Monday. Only on MaximumFun.org. The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls. 911.

My husband! It's my husband! Calm down, please. What about your husband? He loads the dishwasher wrong. calls. There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, But only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes. Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once. Only on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne,

America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morrisris boy detective and jackie cashin the golden retriever of stand-up comedy so thank goodness we have our old friend christian duenas here um because he did some research for us hello there christian how are you today friend hello i'm doing all right how you doing? It's always great to see you. Any updates on your grandpa's favorite genre? Oh, my God. I'm just never going to escape that. No updates.

Why would you want to embrace it, Christian? It's one of the greatest things that's ever happened. We should say that Christian came to work at MaxFun because he called into this show with one of the greatest momentous occasions of all time. Oh, wow. That his grandpa admitted that his favorite genre of movie was talking dog movie. Yes, this is all correct. This is an old, old episode at this point.

I've been here for like eight years. So at this point, I've been here for like eight years. We liked Christian's call so much that I said to Brian, can you reverse engineer Christian's phone number or whatever and call and invite him to come hang out with us? And then we did. And then when we needed a runner at the office, I said, I wonder if that guy Christian would do it. And look where he's come today. Look at where I am now. He has information. Now I own the damn company.

This guy's got his own gamer chair. Well, cool. I didn't see that. Awesome. Now Christian doesn't have to worry about whether his head and neck are supported while he's in intense gaming sesh. Exactly christian did you were you able to look into the relative size of turkeys and geese on our uh christmas tables yes sir so um we eat both male and female turkeys according to google male turkeys speak for yourself male turkeys are 11 to 24 pounds female Female turkeys are 5.5 to 12 pounds. And then geese, we normally eat, the most popular type of goose to eat is a Canada goose.

They range from 7.1 to 14 pounds. So pretty comparable. So a goose is a Canada goose, 7.1 to 14 pounds. So, pretty comparable. So a goose is a Canada goose, the most popular genre of goose to eat, is going to be more in the range of a female turkey rather than a male turkey. Exactly.

Correct. Jackie, did you bring it up because you have had goose or you're goose curious? I'm goose curious! That's exactly what I am. thank you so much for bringing it up so glad you asked um yeah you hear so much about it almost wistful you hear so much about it in in your dickensian uh christmas movie watching kind of situations where they're always going out and having a goose and i think our friend Ben Harrison from Greatest Generation has cooked and eaten a goose for a holiday.

I remember him, but I don't remember what he thought. I think he said it was oily. They often say that about duck. It is. Duck, I think, is – I've made duck before. I've roasted a duck before, and it is very, very fatty. But it's good for like – I was making fried rice at the time. So you use that fat, make the fried rice, put some duck in there.

Let me tell you. That fat is premium fat. That's a gift is what that is. There's no fat on that fat. I think constantly about this book, this Bill Bryson book I read one time called At Home. And it's a history of domestic life a very sort of uh western centric eurocentric sort of american and british really but there's just this whole chapter about different shit that rich people ate in the middle ages yeah and until like 1850 when british people started like

importing french people to cook for them they all foods seem to have just been roasted without seasoning in both america and and in england but like the way that you would prove that you were a rich guy was at dinner you would have 75 different birds. Right, right, right. Quail, pheasant, dove. I'm talking about they would cook songbirds to prove that they could. You'd get served

like that's why the partridges are in pear trees and that's why the pie is full of magpies blackbirds baked in the pie sure yeah being rich was a number of types

of bird content sorry go ahead Jackie I was just gonna say it's something birders Was a number of types of bird contest. Sorry, go ahead, Jackie. I was just going to say, it's something birders do. They count how many birds they've seen. Maybe in the Middle Ages, they counted how many birds they ate. Yeah, people would just be like, I'm going to have dinner with the king today.

I hope I get some flamingo uh christian did you have the the wiki entry for mona lisa the lizard lady yeah you had that really fast is that just something you knew from being a turtle fan i didn't i just searched up uh tm lizard lady, and that was literally the first thing that came up. Okay. Yeah. Oh, so you're not alone. You're not alone is what we're hearing here. People are horny for this lizard, I think.

Did we confirm that she is a lizard lady? She might be a turtle because she has like the turtle like. Oh, the turtley face. And a turtle face. Anthropomorphic lizard-like creature see now i'm looking at the the toy version in the toy version it's definitely looks like a swimsuit and she's pretty juggy those are boobs you guys he's talking about boobs uh but baby jugs for baby in the cartoon much less so and it much more so looks like she that is her coloration she also has a fetching pink scarf

yeah like sandy from greece yeah she looks just like sandy from greece if she had a tail she doesn't look anything like sandy from greece an adorable bob well hey we've all we've all really learned a lot today about ourselves and me i want to get back to this wonka business uh when you went and saw wonka i was reminded that my favorite christmas song right now and i don't know if it's a new one, but it's one of those mashup songs where they take two songs and they put them together. And there's the Willy Wonka song, Imagination. Come with me and we'll see. Nice. And then Christmas time is here, I think, the Peanuts.

Oh, I bet that works. totally works and it's pentatonics you know that college acapella group that knocks it out of the park as far as college acapella groups go that is yeah one of the

you know we all have the ones that got away one of the jobs I didn't we all have the ones that got away. One of the jobs I didn't get was writing the Pentatonix Christmas special. For real? Yeah, I interviewed for it. I didn't, you know, they're like, you don't have to be a fan of Pentatonix. Okay. Anyway, I spent some time with their YouTube videos, and I'm like, I get this.

I get why this is fun. Yeah, we can make a fucking great Christmas special with this. Yeah, yeah. I didn't get it. It's a cash cow for them the all christmas songs oh yeah yeah i think it is i think they did actually make it i think it is like hanging out on disney plus but it's one of those things where i'm like i can't watch it i'll just be i'll just i'll just be you know it's like it's like going through an ex's instagram. You just don't do it. Just so you guys know, I did Google TMNT lizard lady in an effort to confirm Christian Duenas' claims. Oh, no. I think I can confirm them, but I also have just shared with you a result that came up in the search I just shared in the chat. Oh, my God.

What? If you guys want to click on that link in the chat. Oh, NSFW. Okay, so this seems to be. You're not alone, Jordan. Is it NSFW? I don't know. You're not alone.

Okay, how to describe this. So it is a green body with boobs and hips. There are no nipples. Human-ish body. Human-ish, yes. Ice fingers. Well, is that ice or is it? I think the fingers are dripping with cum.

That's what I see, you know, paging dr freud i guess but uh and then it looks like the head is shrek's head it does look like well she has is her lip pierced it's like if there were human ears on shrek's head on or as just a regular lizard head. Like if you put pink human ears on a regular lizard head. Christian, make sure that you share this with Matt so that he can share it on the socials. Copy and paste it right now to the email.

I mean... What do you mean? Jesse, what do you mean? Where does this you mean where does i'm obviously not having i'm not looking right now because i have three children of my own i'm not looking to have any three-quarter human one-quarter lizard children but if i were that she looks like a breeder looks like if i were she seems likely she could successfully bring a child into the world given her form i had a guy tell me once that i had child rearing hips and uh i was like that sounds like i'm a sheep dog well yeah the kid the hips will drive the kids to soccer. The kids will teach the kids how to brush their teeth. Get over there.

The thing about this lizard is it's rendered in two colors. Right. It's a green, but the sort of blush on it is a pinkish red, and it makes it look sort of like a gala apple oh yeah all right like a sexy shrek gala apple but i think that the actual mona lisa character had more personality yeah this looks like an ai like i'm fucked up maybe i did it i'd make i could make a hero forge of this if you guys needed that it's possible it's possible that this picture that we're looking at does have a face tattoo i mean jordan you're right that it could be a lip piercing but it may be a face tattoo

which would be bringing a lot of fucking heat personality-wise, Jackie. We had to bring it up. Look what it did for Post Malone. That guy's got crazy face tattoos. Yep. I was the one who thought it was a... That it was Jackie's observation, yeah. Right, that it was some sort of piercing. I zoomed in.

You know those clips on the end of when uh when you pull a a hoodie tight and then there's a clip that you can just sort of put there that's what it looks like it looks like one of those black clips on the end of a it doesn't look like a zoom in i say is what i'm saying yeah i'm glad that you brought up post malone jordan I have a question do you think you would like to buy signature Crocs that are endorsed by a TMNT Shrek with cum dripping from its fingers I mean how much how much cum do the Crocs have on them I need to know yeah I'd like to see are they covered are they drizzled how much comes on these crocs i'd buy i'd buy those crocs if they had a nice frosting on them yeah sure like like

a cinnabon glaze them baby that's what i'd say is this male cum or is this the squirting that comes out of the pussy what are are we talking about? Excellent question. Christian's already posting a link? Jackie, it's me, your mother-in-law. Is this the squirting that comes out of my pussy? Yep. I thought if we were going to go there, I might as well go all the way. Whenever I'm in a green room and it goes to sperm, I'm just like, all right, let's double down.

Let's do it, gentlemen. It's the squirting that comes out of a pussy. Well, guys. Let's take a break, you guys. We'll be right back with our sponsor. I think that's the podcast. I think we got there. Let's leave on the highest possible note.

It's just good writing, you guys. Please come and see me do stand-up comedy. Yeah, where are you doing stand-up comedy coming up, Jackie? Well, you know me. I'm always on the road. It's what I do for a living. Yeah, you're like some sort of road comedian. Right, and if I could, I would name every tour something else but uh at this point uh it's

just called the road so i'm going to be in denver uh december 7 to 10 uh january 7 to 10 24 and i'm also doing sunnyvale i think i'm going to seattle are you doing rooster ro feathers? Cock-a-doodle-doo, my friend. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Yeah. Cock-a-doodle-doo. Yeah, I'm going wherever they'll let me go. And if you guys have work for me, feel free. Go ahead. Are you going to be doing a show at Sundance? I am.

I am doing Park City, Utah during Sundance. Two shows. I was told it was one 50 minute set uh and i and i know it's just going to be a bunch of rock tumblr haircuts like it's just going to be the shiniest fucks i've ever seen in my life just sitting there going well it's a little i don't know what does she do read anyway we have a lot of fans that are that go out to sundance i think i'm sure jim jarmusch is a big fan of ours i'm sure he'll please if you are jordan jesse go fans you will be normal human beings who just want to hear weird jokes about my mother-in-law and uh and then we also have dogs we now have dogs so i got some dog jokes oh thank god I got a nice chunk about guns. Oh, I'm not a gun person.

But that doesn't mean I don't want one. Yeah. If you go out to see Jackie Cation, you're going to see a pro's pro. You're going to have yourself a good time. That's my promise to you, Jackie Cation. I appreciate that. You will see

some quality stand-up comedy. And if you go see her in Sunnyvale, California, you'll see her quality stand-up comedy that's uh and if you go see her in if you go see her in uh sunnyvale california you'll see her at the only club in the country whose slogan is cock-a-doodle-doo right do they still say cock-a-doodle-doo on like the pre-recorded intro i thought they did and that well or at least on the voicemail um because i know i don't i don't know all of us all i know is that you want you i can't remember all the places i'm going to be denver for sure and then when we were when we were in college and i would was booking guests on the sound of young america the the former name of bullseye

uh on our show in santa cruz occasionally i occasionally I would be booking a guest who was playing Rooster Teeth Feathers, which is a club that books great comics. Our friend Scott Simpson plays Rooster Teeth Feathers a lot. But you and Lori play there. Jimmy Pardo plays there often. Lots of great people play there. But I remember calling. And I think, Jordan, you were in a comedy contest there one

time maybe i did yes i did do the rooster t feathers stand-up comedy contest when we were all right and i remember calling and just every time not being able to believe that on the you've reached rooster t feathers cock-a-doodle-doo yeah this was like in a in a this was like how you got the ticket basically you had to like leave a message on the machine someone would call you back to let you know that you've got your ticket i have to say that uh that maria made fun of that the cock-a-doodle-doo thing on one of her previous albums bamford and the i worked after that album came out and Maria wasn't there I don't and Heather goes have you heard that joke about Maria's where

she's making fun of cockadoodledoo and I said oh did you hear too and that's all I mean I was like I'm not gonna put it on the album she could you know well it's a great club anybody in the bay area have a fun time going down there to see jackie and of course um if you're listening to this steven soderbergh uh go see jackie at sundance yeah um if you're anywhere near park city utah there's uh yeah should be parker posey is probably going to be. She's a big fan of ours. Oh, neat. And two, if you're not in any of those areas, Jackie Cation, two going podcasts, The Jackie and Laurie Show and The Dork Forest.

I recently did it. Tons of fun. If you want to hear our Mortal Kombat chat, I had a blast. Yeah. Chloe Seven Yee. She listens to Jordan Jesse go. She'll probably be there at. Jesse, if you want to do the dork forest

whatever you want to talk about uh it could be that ukulele behind you you could do that tiny banjo what's happening i would love to uh it's a banjo lately uh christopher you're also welcome absent matt sure it's a podcast yeah knock yourself out brother do it christian christian why did i call you christopher? Because my brain's a sieve. I can't tell the difference between pecans and walnuts, much less people. There's a lot of nuts out there these days. You can keep those things straight.

Who knows? Christian might have a high-profile podcast project in his future. I'd love your grandfather. No way to know right now. No way to know. I'd like to know his grandfather. Oh, yeah.

What are your what are your favorite dog movies beverly hills chihuahua talking dog movies jordan those are the favorite talking dog not silent dog movies not air bud where it doesn't say anything gee whiz homeward bound christian incredible journey christian duenas uh our producer this week filling in for Matt Lieb producer Emeritus Brian Sonny D. Fernandez our theme music

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That's all. We'll talk to you next time on Jordan, Jessica. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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