Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Old Bay McFlurry, with Emily Maya Mills

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

This week, we welcome back comedian and director, Emily Maya Mills, to chat about film festival swag, nerf guns, growing up with hippie parents, and so much more.Check out The Frogtown Show in Los Angeles.Check out Wrap Party, a comedy shorts screening night in Los Angeles.Listen to Jesse’s interview with André 3000.Watch Jesse’s interview with director, Barry Sonnenfeld.Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Jordan Morris is doing a book tour for Youth Group! See Jordan at Heavy Manners Comics Fair on October 12th.Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where!Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jessico. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. A Jordan Morris boy detective. Beautiful. What is that?

A Hampton Inn you're in, Jordan? Looks gorgeous out there. I'm in a Hampton Inn. It's very comfortable. TNT on the TV. I mean, I'm loving it Hampton Inn, it's very comfortable. TNT on the TV, I mean I'm loving it. So you're a TNT guy, you're not an HGTV guy. No, I've been doing TNT, they're showing those new Godzilla movies a lot. Sure. That's a fun thing to watch in the hotel. Also, you'll get a Star Wars prequel every now and then, and a Star Wars prequel

is a real fun thing to watch 20 minutes of Yeah, I mean that way you get to enjoy what what is it good about them? You just get to see all the little like freaks that he dumped into there Yeah George loved to dump in some freaks You can kind of like enjoy them while you're like getting ready to go to your thing Or to go down and get your complimentary breakfast Hey, George, it's Steven Spielberg. Hey, I got a tip for you, buddy

Dump out those nasty freaks Steve I'm way ahead of you. I Like that have you watched any particular Star Wars prequels? Are you number one, number two, number three? You know, I'll be honest, when you're doing them TNT style, TNT hotel room style, they all kind of run together. I understand that. But I think that means that they're of a piece, you know?

When it comes to putting stuff on the screen, it's tough to beat the Star Wars prequels. You really, you can really see the budget in the number of things in each shot. You know what I mean? Most things and guys, things and guys, both. Vehicles, talking about vehicles. And I guess a freak is both a thing and a guy. Sure, that's a really good point. Can I tell you the most delightful thing I've seen at Baltimore Comic Con, which is where I'm in the Hampton Inn because I was attending Baltimore Comic Con. Yeah, if Jordan sounds a little more Old Bay seasoned. Oh man, Jesse, I'm so full of Old Bay right now.

Good for you. Yeah. Old Bay, isn't that what Lerner de Caprio's girlfriends call him? Anyway, you could just say whatever on a podcast. Yeah, it's a podcast. It's just saying words. Yeah, you say stuff. So, you know, Comic-Cons usually take place in the local convention center and they have this kind of like, you know, there's this infrastructure there. There's this like just great Comic-Con this weekend. Get them out of there. We got to move in the CPAP Salesman Convention next week. So, you know, there's just this stuff there that's there for everybody.

Yeah. And, you know, but they but they try and gussy it up sometimes with like Comic-Con stuff. They try their best. In the little food service area where they serve the personal Papa John's pan pizzas or whatever, usually how they do this is by changing the signage to be in comic book word bubbles, like clip art style comic book word bubbles like clip art style comic book word bubbles So just standard signage, but they put a word bubble around it Yeah

but also but sometimes they they like You know they try to speak the language a little bit and and the folks at Baltimore Comic Con did a really good job So in you know over by the food area There was a word bubble around the menu and it said Avengers assemble for burgers and fries, of course. Of course! Of course! Of course!

Of course! That's why they're assembling. Of course! Not to fight Galactus, but for burgers and fries! Magneto or whatever. Yeah! They're not, there's nothing going on with Magneto. The reason they're assembling is for burgers and fries.

And then Spider-Man raises one finger and he says, uh, you guys got onion rings? Spidey! And then the Hulk beats the shit out of him. Yeah, he's like bleeding. Just on the ground just in a pool of blood and a little bit of vomit. Really brutal. Just like around the corners of his spider mouth.

And then the critics are all like, superhero movies are growing up. Yeah. And then I'm like, three out of five. You know? I'm not mad I went but it wasn't nuts if it's no American splendor, I say. But you wish you got onion rings. Yeah, I really do wish I had fucking onion rings right now. I love onion rings. So much better than french fries. Also at this con, I noticed and you know, a lot of con talk on the podcast these days.

It's just what I'm up to. I'm sorry. I don't have a lot else going on. You've got a national bestseller on your hands. Youth Group by Jordan Morris. National bestseller. You gotta get out there to those cons and press the flesh. You have to. You gotta trade books for CPAPs. Sure. That's how it works.

Yep. You're going out, the CPAP guys are coming in and you just you hand them off the book and they give you the rig. One time Jordan in the early days of podcasting, I drove to Pomona, California which is I don't know 27 hours east of Los Angeles or possibly one, somewhere in that range. I went to a second or third tier convention center. It was bifurcated. On the left, the podcasting convention featuring Adam Curry, the inventor of podcasting. On the right, a port-a-potty operator's convention. I swear to God, that's real. Wow.

Not making it up. And I tried to get in and they wouldn't let me in. They were guarding the door. Like, come on, I just got to see those Johns. What if you were just like, I have to take a piss? Everybody in there is just like, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh. Yeah. Something I've noticed at this con, other than the delightful signage letting us know that the Avengers are assembling for burgers and fries, of course. Of course. Of course.

The same reason a horse is a horse. Sure. That's to say that's why the Avengers are assembling for burgers and fries. There's a lot of like, you know, those sarcastic nerd shirts. I feel like these were big when we were growing up. Like, I was expecting a battle of wits, but it seems that you've showed up unarmed. Yeah, this is a secret of Monkey Island type t-shirt. Is that where those come from? I don't know. I'm just saying, I feel like that was in secret of Monkey Island, which my friend Jody had on his dad's Amoeba. Amiga. Amiga, not Amoeba. The way you fought guys was by saying stuff like that.

Oh, yeah? Choosing it from a menu, which was not the best mechanic. I never played the Monkey Island games, but I do think there is probably an overlap between guy who would wear a shirt that says, the floggings will continue until morale improves and guys who are into Monkey Island. So I think that tracks to me. For younger listeners, there was a time when all American discourse was sort of just as now you have the sort of right-wing media bubble and then sort of mainstream media and expertise

in collision, you know, and that kind of defines the discourse of the nation. In like 1993, it was nerd t-shirts versus big Johnson t-shirts. Right. If you were a stud, you had a big Johnson t-shirt and if you were a total dweebus, your t-shirt says, I can only please one person today. Today is not your day. And later on, big dogs just swept through and just swept up the whole marketplace. Right, just mauled everyone. Just everyone had Big Dogs. Yeah.

It's for everyone. Big Dogs is a brand for everyone. Big Dogs and Joe Boxer are reverent boxers for us. I just saw a fucking shit ton of those shirts this weekend. I don't know if people are wearing it for like retro reasons or to be kind of like cute or referential but like just fucking dudes with ponytails cruising around in like sassy nerd shirts. I mean we've addressed a corollary situation that I endure whenever I go somewhere to purchase vintage clothing such as the flea market or a thrift store, which is there are just these roving packs of 17 year old boys who are like laughing and pushing each other and wearing NASCAR t-shirts, but they're people of color in Los Angeles. And so, it really is impossible to tell. They don't even, I don't think that

Jen Alpha even believes in irony. I don't think they believe in liking things on their merit or liking things ironically. They just like a sturdily constructed t-shirt. They just put something on with Joe Camel on it. They don't even think about what that means. They're not unpacking it at all. What does that mean? Okay, let's introduce our guest on the program.

God knows what Comic-Con she's been at lately. She is a stand-up comic as well as a writer and director and an old pal, Emily Maya Mills. Hi, Emily. How are you? Good evening, gentlemen. Hi. How are you? How's my mic? It was smooth, but your delivery was a little bit spooky. Was that intentional? Maybe it was going for just weird. Well, I'm terrified. I am fucking terrified. Kissing in my pants over here. I like to share with a little fight or flight.

How are you feeling? Oh, no, I froze. Hello help. I'm hungry in it. We were taking it. We were talking about it. Been a minute Jordan. You know what earlier today?

I was trying to figure out how many mod teams we had been on together Yeah, Emily, and I we've been we've been in the trenches at the UCB theater since we were we comedy pups on the Sketch equivalent to the Herald improv team the mod team equivalent to the Herald Improv team, the mod team. I simply could not remember all of the names of the teams. I was like, Oh, wait, I did eventually. But I we were on hot mess, right? Hot mess. Yeah, we were on Captain Geech and the

Shrimp Shack Shooters. Mixed nuts. Mixed nuts with the Z. Of course. I was on a wall of sound and then there was Kirkland Signature, which was my least favorite. I never liked that name. Didn't get a vote from me. You didn't like your teammates. It was my least favorite. Those fucking assholes. Just the name. I didn't vote for it because I was like, wait, we're going to name ourselves

like average product? No, that's a super first of all, Emily. First of all, Emily. Emily, you stepped in it. You've stepped in it. Here we go. Oh no.

You're talking to a pretty major Costco celebrity. I don't know if you're a Costco member. If you are, I recommend you pick up the most recent issue of their magazine and find the article about me. Oh my goodness. Have I really stepped in it? So it's really important for me to take this opportunity to emphasize that Kirkland Signature are premium products.

Those are not the kind of bottom of the barrel bullshit that you'd probably find at Sam's Club. Right. These are ultra premium. I mean, if you tasted this, just one time Emily, if you tasted this vanilla ice cream, you'd have to get new plants just like our friend Jordan. I mean, this stuff is so creamy. Wait, what?

You peed your pants earlier. Oh, right. Okay. I thought you said plants. I was like, he killed his plants? He went on a rampage? Murdered. Dumped an ice cream in the plants and they're dying. Yeah, and it was President's Choice brand.

Jesse, I thought you were implying, I kind of forgot about the peed my pants thing. I thought you were implying that I like, the ice cream was so good that I like, shot a load. Yeah, sure. Either way. Fantastic stuff is what you're saying, which is what you were thinking when you lined up to see my sketch team, right? Yeah, I support shows. Of course. Always have, love to go to things.

Yes, you do. Yes. Emily, in your kind of recent life as a director, are you doing like film festivals? Are you going to the festivals? Yes, yes, lots and lots. In fact, this next one, I almost got caught by surprise because we ended up in three in October, upcoming this upcoming October. So this upcoming month, and they were all kind of on top of each other, which is so fun. I panic when things like that happen, where I go, where do I go? Where do I look? Where should I be?

How do I promote this? But it actually we're so excited. I actually did one of those little grid Instagram grid things where I split it up and I took the poster picture and I split it over three frames. I did it. I did it. Oh, congratulations. I'm very proud of myself. Thank you. So we have three festivals to announce. So we're going to Edmonton in Alberta, Canada. I heard of it. We're going to Newport Beach and then Screamfest in

New Orleans. And this is a film starring Dave Tooney, who I believe you know, and written by Ryan Meharry. So it's sort of a, yeah, it's an alumni joint. You know what I mean? Yeah, hell yeah. Yeah. Dave Tooney was probably on one of those sketch teams that we were on together. At least three. At least three, three or four. Talented guy, Dave Tooney, funny dude. I'll tell you what, you're going to love Edmonton. The mall there is very large. Ooh, big mall.

I don't remember any other things about Edmonton. How big? Well, I figured out where I'm getting my ears pierced. Yep. The Claire's, the Claire's in this Edmonton mall. This is the Kirkland signature of Claire's. Yeah. I'll take it.

Meet me at the limited two. When you are a director at a film festival, what do you do? Do you do interviews? Do you do panels? Do you just show up and do the step and repeat? I think all of the above. Yeah, you answer the Q&A's, hopefully.

It depends on the size of the festival and how important you are to it, because I do a lot of genre stuff. So it's like, I've been at genre festivals where we won the audience award and we were like, how we were we were hitting, you know, other festivals where being genre means that you're playing at like 1155 at night and maybe, you know, high-fiving a few people on their way out of another screen. But you know, Q&As, definitely panels if you're asked to, I've done some fun ones. Let's see. Yeah, I think I did some in Maryland at the old Annapolis last couple years ago.

It's hard, it's funny with festivals, you know, I'm sure you Jordan having performed comedy this much, you know, or you've now written a book, but that slow return on, you know, when you're used to performing live, and then you invest time and prepping and shooting and posting something, and then you got to sit there and wait to see, you know, if people are going to laugh or be scared or whatever it is. And so I definitely, um, it's like a, it's an interesting experience is there's so much built up to getting to just

be in a room with audience. So that's my favorite part is like, I'm like, oh, this is me. Okay. All right. Now we got, we got, we got the laughs. We know people would freaked out. Like, this is really fun. You get an actual visceral reaction and that's the part of it that I live for, for sure. The screenings. Yeah. You're trying to freak people out, huh? I have been because I think bottom line is like I want I like to make I want to make comedies that are like have intense, dramatic stakes. So it's like I have this weird vision or idea that I that I'm doing voice wise,

I guess. And genre kind of that I'm doing voice-wise, I guess. And genre is one easy way to do that because the stakes are dramatic. And so I'm just definitely trying to find the comedy in... When I say intense dramatic stakes, I just like to make stories about people who are fully serious about their circumstances and totally committed to the reality, but still funny. That makes sense. So the acting, the cinematography and all of that is very like, you know, film, it's film, but it's funny. And genre has been a place to do that. It's been fun. Some of it's like more mystical than anything, not real bloody. I'm not really

into that. But mystical. Mystical. I call this last one with Toonie and Harry a bloodless cannibalism comedy because no one ever actually gets hurt on screen, okay? But we have fun. We have fun breaking through the dimensions, you know? When you're going in for the film festival, where are they putting you up? Oh, that's a great question. I'm going to guess Courtyard by Marriott, but I'm interested to learn. I think that's about the right ballpark, yep. Okay, Courtyard are similar.

Sometimes there's a Best Western involved if like maybe there's a home base there. If it's a nicer one, I think Damn Short has a bed, had a best Western that was their base camp. And therefore, yeah, depends on the town. Did you know that the Hoover Dam is in Nevada? It's in Nevada. Wait, no. What am I saying?

It's in Nevada and the town around it only exists because it was there to build the dam. So fun place to go visit. I did not know that. Is that something that you've learned at the best Western? Yeah. Yep. That was my, the big tourism takeaway. So that no one actually lives there.

No, they do. People live there now, but it was just sort of a town that was formed around this building of a dam, a beautiful one. It is a nice dam. Thank you. I've never seen this dam. I'd love to get my papers on that thing. I mean, it seems like this classic dad move, Jesse, load up the kids, go to the Hoover

Dam. What a great idea. Load up the station wagon. You know what I've been wishing for, Jordan? More time in the car with all three of my autistic children. Just load them on top of each other. Say kids, we're driving cross country. Guys I got all kinds of ideas that aren't your special interests.

Let's do this. No damn heads in the family, Jesse. Oh damn heads. I felt like a real king because I got two of my three children to go downtown with me to ride the funicular. I just wanted to ride this funicular. What's that? The Angels Flight Railroad. Oh, okay.

Oh yeah, something's cool. I didn't know it was called a funicular. Yeah, I think the funicular is like where it, I think it's on a very steep hill and then I think it's so that you sit parallel to the earth and not parallel to the ground. So, you're not sitting diagonally even though you're on a steep hill, you're sitting the way gravity would pull you up and down. And then there's a great explanation of that. And then also, I think maybe it's attached to like a cable that goes around in a circle. So, one side is going

up and it's being pulled by the other one being going down with gravity. Mm-hmm. That sounds right. Doesn't sound like any coincidence that you can't spell funicular without fun. That's a really good point, Jordan. Thank you. I've tried. I've tried it with a pH. For folks at home, you can get a pretty good view of that funicular in Perry Mason, the

HBO version. Yeah, I also noticed that in Perry Mason. It was featured. Yeah. Angel's Flight. Of course. Angel's Flight Railroad? You guys got any favorite railroads?

Any favorite railroads? Any favorite rail conveyances of any kind? I'll give you a hand card if you want to. Mono maybe? Sure. What are you asking us? Yes. Oh, favorite rail.

Yeah. Although if you're listening at home, give us a call. That's 800 Rock Hard, 800 Rock Hard. I like a Muni train, no one expects it, you know? You like a Muni train. See, this is Jordan, I can help translate for you, Emily. Emily and I are from the great city of San Francisco. Oh, I know.

They're in the great city of San Francisco. The bus system. I know. It's called Muni. I know. And then the trains. Well, that's the BART train. I know.

Typically. Maybe the Cal train. I know. Sure. I know. But there's also a Muni light rail. Did you know about that? You know about the J Church? I rail. Did you know about that? You know about the J Church?

I didn't know about that. I don't know about that. Did you know about the Altair rail? Did you know about the Enjuta? And for no reason it seems. They're just random. We have a bus system and then just about four lines that are locked into the ground. Yeah.

And I just want to say shout out to the Kay Ingleside. I don't want to leave you out of that list. Oh my gosh. I know Emily did. Did I? But I'm inclusive. Is it K Ingleside? Yes. It goes up. Yep. Yep. Yep.

Where are you going on one of these things? What's the dream destination? Baseball card store, Jordan. Baseball card stores way out in the avenues. So you got to take the streetcar out there. The good baseball card store is. So, you and your friend Jody, you get $3 from your parents and then you get on that light rail and ride it all the way out there into the avenues. But first, you call 673 Muni, the Muni information line and they'll give you the route to take. That's nice of them. What separates the good baseball card store from the bad baseball card store? There's more baseball cards at the good baseball card store.

Okay. So one baseball card store is actually just basically a teddy bear store that also sells baseball cards because they heard people want them. Okay. Not real. that also sells baseball cards because they heard people want them. Okay. Not real. But then one is run by three hostile men who don't look up at you when you come in. That's a joke.

Whose passion is sorting. And baseball cards. Well, sorting baseball cards specifically. Oh, sorting, not swarming. I heard a W-O-R-D in there. Oh, yeah. I bet there's a little overlap between sort guys and baseballarming. I heard a W-O-R-D in there. Oh, yeah. I bet there's a little overlap between sort guys and baseball card guys. I bet there's some guys who dabble in both. Ponytails involved, yes.

I think at this point, the entire baseball card economy is based on dudes like Twitch opening boxes of baseball cards to look for rare insert cards. And then the people who are watching it bought shares of that box. And so it's basically like a gambling thing. It's like a gambling thing with guys on camera who aren't so into the job. Oh, probably more when they open the storage containers. Yeah, it's like that only much less interesting. Probably more people watch this than watch hacks. Yeah, I think it's just refractor, uniform card. That sounds good. I'm laughing. Look at me. I'm loving this. I'm cheering you to describe it.

I can't wait to watch this show. Tonight, baby, back to back. Emily, when you do a film festival, is there a swag bag? Do you anticipate swag bags? There can be, yeah. Definitely. Depends on the site. Definitely, no. There always is. In fact, little bottles of tequila,

these kinds of things, lotions. They tend to actually be pretty good for the environment you're in. So like in Santa Fe, you'll get some nice chopstick. Okay, do not mix up the tequila and the lotion. Trust me. Okay. Oh. I don't know. It worked out for me. My skin is radiant.

And I'm fucked up from drinking the lotion. But I'm not an alcoholic anymore. Emily, what are you getting in these? I'm scared by alcoholism. Are you getting like a t-shirt of the film festival? You getting stuff for other people's movies? Yeah. Are you just getting like people trying to curry favor with celebrities such as yourself?

A little bit of definitely t-shirts have been in there. Some like, you know, little tastes and treats from local makers and vendors. That's always nice. Little promotions going on. little tastes and treats from local makers and vendors. That's how we think it's a little promotion going on. As far as other films- Are you more of a maker's guy or a vendor's guy, Jordan? Ooh, God, excellent question. You know, I'm going to say a vendor.

I like a man who could push a cart. Sure. I like a man who owns his own cart. Who. I like a man who owns his own cart. Who owns this? He doesn't make his own cart. No, that's different. No. I don't care who made the cart.

I care about who's pushing the cart. Yeah, these carts come prefab, Emily. Right. Nowadays, they do from the old Kirkland Cygni. Right. Because nobody builds anything anymore. Kirkky Sigs. Kirkky Sigs.

Kirkky Sigs. Kirky Siggs. Kirky Siggs. Coming in hot. Get some muffins and tires from my boy Kirky Siggs. He makes it all. He does sound like a NASCAR driver, right? It does sort of sound like he does laps and burns down. As far as filmmaker other filmmaker

stuff not there wouldn't be swag in the bag, but people do go hard sometimes. So like, you know, things that have perhaps there, like I got swept away. The last one we did was dances with thumbs at man's or not no longer man's TLC is Chinese theater. Hello. Get that brand right. And they had sort of like painted this picture where people go really hard on some time, they'll be like, you might have a stress ball that's shaped like a vagina about a film,

it's about a woman's vagina. You know what I mean? They're like, get into it. So I did print out, I've never done this before, it was the first and only time I really went hard. I printed out our trailer on a QR code and made stickers to go on the back of our postcards. And then I stapled beef jerky to all our postcards.

Oh, okay. It was on theme. It was on theme. It was really, I was really proud of myself. And you know what? That beef jerky got eaten. Did it fill our screenings? No.

But people were satiated. And maybe. Yeah, no. It's a nice high protein snack. And especially when you're sitting watching two, three, four movies in a row, popcorn ain't going to do it. You're going to need something high protein. Yeah.

Yeah. Did a standard stapler get that job done, Emily? Went through the plastic. Yeah, I imagine she stapled in the bag. She's not just stapling a piece of jerky, right? Am I? Right. 100%, I imagined a piece of jerky stapled to a postcard.

That's what made it so great. I mean, I like that better. To be honest, I like that better. And I might do that next time. Newport Beach, here I come with my loose meat. Just gonna nail a cheesecake, slice a cheesecake to a visor. Here you go. Are there people like, one time I went to San Diego to go to, well, the context of this has been shared on the program

before, but basically there was a guy who invited me to a social media marketing conference in San Diego who happened to have the same name as a longtime Max Fund supporter. And so I thought it was the guy that I had met before and was always nice and thought, well, it's only San Diego, I'll drive down there. But then it turned out to just be a different guy with that name. But anyway, while I was at this social media marketing conference, I was just astonished by the lengths people will go to at a conference to get attention. I mean, it goes far beyond meat stapling. Are there thirsty folk at the film festivals?

Sure, yeah. And I will say that it's so foreign to me to try. Sure. We know. We're right there with you. Right. So, I, I, there's a part of me that's like, you know, you spare yourself the energy of getting into the weeds with trying to come up with something to make you stand out, but you also feel the pressure like, well, am I doing it wrong? Everybody's doing it. You know, you're supposed to be doing something and for what I'm not sure, you know, it's like to I think that there I do think that

there's like some probability that most of these places have a few people who have some money that want to spend it on a film perhaps, you know, but it's not like that's a very direct result of going to a film festival so I'm not sure what the I guess it's like you gotta promote, you make something, you gotta promote it. That's the piece of it that I've never been good at, actually, I love making stuff. Oh, love making the stuff, promoting it,

and you know, getting out there and like banging the garbage can pop is not my wheelhouse, I'll say. But it's a little easier for me. Actually, it's a lot easier for me for films versus myself as an entity. I never really got comfortable with promoting myself as a product. I just am just like, I don't know. I mean, I do the thing,

you like it or you don't. When it comes to something that is outside of myself, it's a lot easier for me to be like, I'll do whatever. I mean, everyone worked hard, I'll do whatever. I'll show up, I'll bang the drums. I don't care, I will Blue Man group by myself. I will solo Blue Man. In Edmonton, Alberta.

With all my piercings, all kinds of fresh ones. I think I will. Get pierced. Paint yourself blue. I have recently felt like there's a bit of a thing going on right now in culture and society where it's like it's within service. It's just when you're encountering people in service providing atmospheres, I'm finding that, I don't know if it's my age, but I'm suddenly like, do they not know I'm cool? What I mean? Or I'm like, something I'm feeling looked past or through or something,

and I'm like, I swear you guys i'm cool like it's i feel bad for you because you don't know and i was recently like do i need to pierce my cheek maybe pierce the cheek but just you know just like remind just like when whenever you get a chance just tell people that you're artsy i'm artsyy. I'll say it. Yeah. Emily, have you thought about getting one of those tattoos where it's tattoo but it just, it doesn't have any design. It's just a big ink going up your arm. You know what I mean? Your whole arm is ink. Do that. I haven't. I feel like I'm way closer to just a big like like, the word fart. Something, I don't know. Something, I feel like something more than nothing

if I were to do it. Something, something sweet, something tasty, something sour, something sassy. Something like a bigger mistake than that. I did wanna like do a better job of communicating my toot, so while in Baltimore I did get a back tattoo that says the floggings will continue until morale improves. Yeah, great.

On your back. On my back. It's in Old English. I'm going to walk around shirtless and let everybody know. Perfect. Emily, what kind of tattoo can we get you? What can we hook you up with? You know, this is a real goal of mine and I am gonna get it. I had my stepdaughter design it for me, I haven't gotten it yet, but on my forearm, on this part, right? I'm gonna get two stars that are sort of like shooting stars and then a line of stars through that and then on one side a bunch of, you know, like a kind of galaxy of stars and then on one side a bunch of galaxy of stars and then another couple of shooting stars

pointed at those stars. And you know what it is? It's the 180 line for me as a cheat sheet. I'm sorry. Hey. I'm a little left right. Great for a filmmaker. Thank you.

I mean, that's really great. That's really great that it's coming from a member of your family. So it's personal and it's about your passion. So that's really great that it's like coming from a member of your family So it's like personal and like it's you know, and it's about your passion So that's really personal too But like just if you want to go in a different direction Can I suggest like a progress bar right, you know a progress bar? And it's like 80% full or 90% full and the text is fart loading

And it's above my butt. It's like a Oh yeah, I was thinking the forearm but that would be great above the butt. I saw a t-shirt at the comic con, I laughed and laughed. Emily, can I pitch you an idea? It's actually sort of based on your idea. So, it's like this would be on your forearm and it's two shooting stars And then there's one group of other stars to the left, some stars below them. And then on the right, just a bunch of nasty freaks. Hell yeah. We're talking Watto, we're talking Dexter Jettster.

I'm talking a potato as a spaceship. That's what I thought you were talking about when potato as a spaceship. A shoe as a... Yes. That's what I thought you were talking about when you said freaks. I was like, yeah, that shoe, man, nasty. Okay. She's stank. Let's do this. Let's take a break and get straight which freaks we're talking about.

Great. Because I think we're all on different pages, vis-a-vis little freaks. I mean Jordan, if Houdini taught us anything, it's the freaks coming all shapes, sizes, and colors. Of course, you're right. And at night. And we are recording at night. So, it's the perfect time for the freaks to come out.

But let's take a quick break and we'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessi Goh. It's Jordan Jessi Goh. I am Jesse Thorn, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Well, if you're a member of Maximum Fun, you already know that we love and appreciate you and it is your membership that makes every episode of Jordan Jesse Goh possible. If you're not yet a member, we do want to take this opportunity to remind you there's a lot of very cool bonus content that is for members only, including our new show, Gracie's

Game Gauntlet, which by the way, Jordan, I recorded an episode of Judge John Hodgman this morning. Our litigants, big Gracie's Game Gauntlet people. Okay. Sounds like a couple of smart folks who like quality entertainment. Yeah, absolutely. And they had a sitch giant from World of Warcraft. I think that's right. Okay. That's about right, right? A sitch giant from World of Warcraft. I think that's right. Okay. That's about right, right? Sitch giant from World of Warcraft.

Not my zone, but I'm impressed nonetheless. They were really nice. They like video games is my point. So they enjoyed the program. But you know what? I don't like video games that much. I enjoy it. Sure.

I think it's for everyone. From the most toxic of gamer bro to the most toxic of not gamer bro. Yeah. Even those who like to touch grass will like this show, okay? We're also supported this week. So, if you want to become a member, maximumfund.org slash join. We're also supported this week by our friends over at Factor, the fresh, never frozen meals that pair perfectly with your busy fall schedule. Jesse, I got a busy fall schedule. Going hither and yon, cider tastings. Uh-huh. Apple picking.

Apple picking. Apple bobbing. Apple pie making. Cardigan fashion show. No apples involved with that, but- That thing where you let apples shrink and then you put little face elements on them? Apple pie making. Cardigan fashion show, no apples involved with that. That thing where you let apples shrink and then you put little face elements on them to turn them into a little old man or old lady. And of course shopping at the Apple store. And recording for Apple records since George Harrison gave you that record deal.

God, I forgot about it. I'm so busy this fall. When am I going to eat? Jesse, when am I going to eat? Jordan, don't worry. Factor Meals are waiting for you. They offer 35 wholesome meals every single week. So there's always something that you will love that will also fit your lifestyle. It's not just dinners. You can get easy breakfasts. You can get smoothies even snacks There are 60 plus add-ons and it's just really nice stuff. Just really nice food That's right there in your refrigerator waiting for you. It's tasty. It's ready nice and quick It's always delish real real proteins real veggies when you're when you need something quick it is a much much better option than just

grabbing a bar and slurping up some hose water. Yeah. I'm not going to tell you not to slurp up hose water, but certainly not in autumn, right? That's more of a summery activity. It's more of a summer activity, yeah. So that's why this autumn, you're going to want to go to factormeals.com slash JJGo50 and use code JJGo50 to get 50% off your first month and 20% off your next month. That's code JJGo50 at factormeals.com slash JJGo50 to get 50% off your first month plus

20% off the next. We don't have anything up on the Jumbotron this week, but if you want to share a message with our audience and you're a Jordan Jessi Goh listener, go to maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. You wish somebody happy birthday or happy anniversary or look, we'll plug your podcast. We don't care. Yeah, whatever. It'll become more popular than ours. It's probably better.

Yeah, sure. And I mean, I think we've covered this territory on the show, but this is a very good podcast. Everyone knows and agrees on that. Yeah, it's good. We know. Same words is what makes a podcast. We do that every week. We say all words, even fuck.

Jordan, are you got some comic stuff coming up? Oh boy, I sure do, Jesse. If you're in the LA area, I'm going to be at the Heavy Manners Comics Fair on October 12th. The Heavy Manners Library is a lovely spot for indie comics, zines, all that good stuff. And they're having a cool comics event with a ton of cool creators, signing books, selling books, having a great time. It is a free event, but you can reserve a ticket.

You can go to heavymannerslibrary.com, heavymannerslibrary.com, and you'll find the address, all the necessary links, and I will be there on the 12th. I love this. Judge John Hodgman going on the road to the Northeast in November, so come see me. Thanks to everybody that said hi in the Midwest. We're going to be in Burlington, Vermont, Portland, Maine, Brookline, Massachusetts, though that one's already sold out, and in Western Massachusetts. You can find all the information at maximumfund.org slash events along with info on the West Coast in

January and February, which includes Vancouver, Seattle, Portland, soon to be announced, San Francisco, and Los Angeles featuring Jordan Jesse Goh. You can come out and see Jordan Jesse Goh and Judge John Hodgman on the same show. All that information at maximumfun.org slash events. And Jordan, I also want to mention, because I haven't mentioned it on Jordan Jesse Goh, we had a very special episode of Bullseye with Jesse Thorne, my NPR show with Andre 3000 from Outkast. I hope that everyone will go and listen to it because it was very special. And I got a real good one. You go on the YouTube for Bullseye with

Jesse Thorne and watch this one that is this week that is with Barry Sonnenfeld, the director of Men in Black and so on and so forth, director of photography of the first several Coen Brothers movies, among other things. You can watch Barry Sonnenfeld as he demonstrates his telephone ringtone. His telephone ringtone. I mean, I called him on the air. He gave me his phone number so I could call him so we could hear his phone ring tone, which is Werner Herzog going, pick up the phone, Barry!

Barry! Wow. Yeah, that sounds like a cool vid. Yeah. He just ran into Werner Herzog while he was having lunch with Ken Burns. Cool. Ken Burns and Werner Sacher are friends. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Jesse Goh on America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. And I'm Emily Maimils, slow cooker. At my house right now, Jordan, you know, it's the WNBA playoffs. I don't know if you follow the WNBA, Emily, but it's the WNBA. Yeah. The WNBA playoffs just started and Scarlett, my middle kid, just basically rebuilt our entire

living room into a WNBA playoffs watching shrine. So, she has two stuffed animals, two blankets that constitute a fort. She has her back of the door basketball hoop, you know, those things that go on the back of the door. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Nerf still making those? That's still a Nerf product? No, that's made by, you know, Gzikzar Glub on Amazon.com. Oh, I love, love Gzikzar Glub. She's got- And of course, lifestyle queen.

Is Nerf still in business? I mean, how could it be at this point? I know, we've probably got that soft. Right. Yeah. I like that soft. Jesse, are your kids nerfing over there? They're, well, I think that the main thing going on amongst children still is Nerf dart guns.

Okay. Yeah. I would say that the wonder is gone from water guns. Because at some point you started putting batteries into super soakers and it was off the cliff. It was one step too far and it ate its own tail or whatever. Like a flurry on a McRib. Yes.

Oh, that sounds good. I've been eating. I've only eaten Old Bay. Yeah. Old Bay McFlurry sounds alright to me. I have an Old Bay McFlurry. And I think the only thing that's left is those little like dart guns. I also think that while sour candy remains around, there's a lot of eating of hot chips.

Spicy chips have largely supplanted sour candy. Right, warheads. How can you legally rip your taste buds off? Yeah, exactly. It's beautiful. Yep, yeah. That's a great update, thank you. I feel informed as to what's going on.

It's hard to find now and laters. Hard to find now and laters. I mean, I have a chapstick that does taste like the banana now and later that I... Oh god, I love it so much. Every time I put on my chapstick, I'm like... Sounds like a good stick. Yeah, it's a good stick. Really good. Did they get into the slime, your kids? The Borax? Really good. Did they get into the slime? Your kids, the Borax? The slime thing largely passed them by, I think. But one thing that there is a ton of in my house is different like sacks, rubber sacks with different glub glubs inside. Yeah. I know these sacks. I know the sacks you're talking about.

So, you know, whether it's a squeeze ball one or it's like a snaky one or whether it's got little eyeballs in there or it's got, you know, little peas in there or something like that. And then all my children, all my children get together. They keep them all in this big bag, which is also part of Scarlett's WNBA watching area is the big bag of fidgets and ding dongs. They just pull them out and they squeeze them and they go. Yeah. Satisfying. Yeah. Yes. Tactile. No, not satisfying. Wait, some of them aren't satisfying. Yeah. Yes. Tactile.

Nope. Not satisfying. Wait, some of them aren't satisfying? Yeah, some of them are not satisfying. Insufficiently satisfying. I can't believe it's true. Yeah. You got a lot of them.

They're all satisfying to my dog, who puts a hole in all of them and gets whatever's inside on everything else. Oh, God. What kind of dog? Half golden retriever. Half golden retriever.. Oh, God. What kind of dog? Half golden retriever, half golden retriever. Charming Goofus. Yeah. Love that Goofba.

We have a couple of Queensland Healer part, you know, mixed cattle dogs kind of. And man, they do have some dingo in them. I will say that. Are they chewing up your fidgets? They were. They were pretty wild. They were puppies within six months of each other and it was a nightmare. We made mistakes. You know, why did we do it?

Why did we do that? We were grieving. It was a lot. A lot of mistakes were made. We lost our senior dogs like in succession and also Christian's father all in all in the same vicinity and it was just we one was one came to accompany one of our senior dogs who had lost the it was like literally dying of a broken heart you know fun stuff for a podcast but it was that like companion thing and so we were like we gotta get him a buddy. And then they just

kept coming. The decisions in duress just kept coming. Do they like gather? Do they do cattle dog things? Like do they nip at ankles or like circle around and try and draw people towards the towards the drain in the center? Yep, yep. All that. In fact, my uncle told me he had a cattle dog when he was a kid and they were in Yosemite. They were out on some camping trip, and they had the family dog and the family dog took off, like heard a noise and took off

and had never done that before. And like they thought they lost the dogs, but 30 minutes later they found him and he had gathered up a herd of elk or whatever. I can't remember what the animal was but he had just gone and got them. He was like, got them, here they are. You want them? Found the elk. Now you have to raise the elk. Yes. It's weird that dogs have inside of them the programming of a thousand years of

inside of them the programming of a thousand years of human training, you know what I mean? Two thousand years of human training. Just that some dogs will just do anything to get at anything that's moving along the ground while others will do anything to get to do anything to get at anything that's up in the air. Like how this one has a ground brain and this one has an air brain. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Wait, did you guys, I was listening to a recent episode and you guys asked the question, do dogs have ghosts? But I don't know if you got to an answer. Well, that's a great question. I don't think we did get to an answer on that question. That is a great question. That sounds like a good episode. It doesn't sound like us necessarily. That might have been Joe Rogan. It was probably Rogan or NPR politics podcast.

Yeah, probably. The Daily. It was The Daily. It was probably The Daily that was talking about do dogs have ghosts? I think not because I think they're closer to ghosts. That's my guess. They're closer to ghosts. They're like more friendly with ghosts or they're more like ghosts. They're more ghost-like. They're more in sort of inter-dimensionally kind of present in this consciousness that isn't quite, you know, like they're closer to ghosts than they are human in terms of their consciousness. That make sense? Is that why they're always knocking things off counters? Yes, and flicking light switches. Oh, the light. Oh, wait, it's just the

dog. It's the dog. There's always a cold spot when a dog is near. There's always a cold spot when a dog is near. I'm always going around with my like, with all my like radio electronic equipment pointing microphones and stuff around. It's how I find dogs, hidden dogs. Well, hey, it's a momentous occasion when you use your spectrographic equipment to find a dog. And it's also a momentous occasion when you call us spectrographic equipment to find a dog and it's also a momentous occasion when you call us at 206-984-44-FUN. Like this person did. Should we pitch dog hunters?

Yes. I think people who look for dogs. I think the title might upset people. Right, it's like ghost hunters, so it's dog hunters. Right. I think people love dogs and seeing that think just seeing that, you know. What about dog ghost hunters? Yeah, what about dog ghost hunters, Jordan?

What about that? I think- Game-line ghost hunters. Yeah, I think people would, I mean, I think, you know, you need to clarify what's going on there. Whether you're hunting for dog ghosts or the dog ghosts doing the hunting. No, I think dogs are looking for ghosts. For ghost hunters.

Yeah, you let them sniff one a little and then it can sniff it anywhere. You let it sniff a little of the sheet? Yeah, sure. You're talking about the sheet with the eye holes? Yeah. The ghost body. The body of the ghost. My dog Friday would, I feel like my dog Friday does have, like there were a few moments when

he was a puppy, he would like when the sun went down would kind of get a look in his eyes and like dig to try to dig to middle earth. And he would get spooked in a way at like a nothing in the middle of the room or there's like he the way that he gets spooked as is as if he saw a witch you know I mean it's like is if he understands the terror of scary things in the night so I don't know we can bring him on or we can test him, maybe screen test him.

I'd love to test him. I'd like to see his chemistry with Jordan. Jordan's going to be a good start. I'm also on the show. Yeah. And then, you know, and I'd love to do the screen test now, but I set up the moment as occasion like 45 minutes ago and we still haven't played it. People are freaking out. I'm sorry. Yeah. They're losing their minds. Let's play that. Hi, Jordan,

Jesse, go. It's Debra. First of all, I love you guys. Second of all, I'm calling with a momentous occasion. I'm helping my mother pack and move. She's moving to the East Coast. coast and I was going through her stuff to help wrap it and I found a dowsing rod and asked her, hey mom, is this a dowsing rod? And she said, why yes it is. And then she proceeded to tell me a story of being psychic and how she knew that she needed to have a baby before she got pregnant with me and they were living abroad and it wasn't the right time. So my dad went on a sex strike and refused to have sex with her because he knew that she wanted to have a baby and then she very casually said, so we just did oral stuff for a long time and then one day she said that

she seduced him and right after they were done, he's like, oh, you're gonna get pregnant and then she did and that's how I came to be. Bye. I mean, I don't know if she found a water well, but she certainly found a well of biographical information. Sure. Should we? I mean, Emily, we were talking on a recent episode about the like, you know, late in life parental bomb drop. You know, you just get that, you know, you're an adult, you're hanging out with your elderly like late in life parental bomb drop.

You just get that, you're an adult, you're hanging out with your elderly parent and then they drop a bomb. Much like this, I'm kind of envious of this relationship where they can just talk about oral together. Right, and a long state of foreplay that really, really roasted the rocket ship and got it ready for launch to launch into being. Is this a new, is this a new segment? Is this a new segment? We want to hear your parental, your late in life parental bomb drops? Yeah, and we also want to hear about your, your parents powers. What kind of magic powers do they

have? Psychic, can they detect water with a forked stick? Teleporting dad. Water walking uncle. The dad teleported directly from the basketball game to a screening of the film Wolfs. But he was a little bit wolf. It didn't go perfectly. Yeah, it turned him into a wolf from the waist down. A little bit wolf. When you're teleporting, you got to look out.

It can mix up your genes. Have you ever received a revelation from Europe? What kind of parents have you got, Emily? Or have you had? They were like super classic deep mud hole hippies, you know, like built their first house by hand, lived communal, like I used to say they crawled out of the woods to look for work in the early 80s. But they were full on hardcore, but they met in architecture school, so they're also quite

spectrumy. They did the whole thing where it went from like, we still have the cabin that they built by hand in the 70s, but there were also some BMWs along the way, you know what I mean? Like, but they were, but they were secondhand because there was always an anti-commerce kind of thing, but still wanted to get us into good schools. But you know what I mean? The whole 80s sort of transformation. And my dad though is and always was a hippie, who I mean, sorry, a surfer, we already said the hippie thing, but he's a surfer,

who at this point, the two things he loves the most are chaos jazz and chaos theory, and maybe a little Thomas Payne. So does that paint a picture for you? It does. It paints a lovely picture. Just going absolutely apeshit over does. It paints a lovely picture. Just going absolutely apeshit over there. We have a friend, a friend of ours from our improv team in college is from Berkeley, California. And I just had, I just went to a show with another buddy of ours from college. We were just checking in about who we remembered. And I said, oh yeah,

last I heard, Max had a landscaping company and he lived in a yurt in the backyard of two of his parents, not his biological parents, just other parents from his collective of parents. Yep. That was a thing for sure. Just two dads that weren't related to him in any way. Sounds very born at Burning Man. God, I'd love to I'd love to have just free access to a yurt. A nice Berkeley yurt. I'd love to have multiple dads.

Can I get a few extra dads? Maybe we have them. I'd love to have one dad because my dad's dead. Hey, you know my theory, all comedians have either a very affected mother or a dead dad, you know? And here we are. And I got both. There you go.

That often happens too, but it's 100% true. One or the other and often both. Right. How about you, Jordan? We had an above ground pool. Okay. No, we didn't. I just wanted to think of a third thing. Great. I wish we had an above ground pool. Oh my god.

That's what made you funny. Emily, were there hippie practices in your home when you were a child of any kind? Did you use crystal rock deodorant or? Mostly like just no medicine, no products really. You know, terrible chocolate. Not really, not really. Like I think that there was a crossover there too where it just wasn't just about, there's some control issues. You know what I mean? So when I was a kid, there was no sugar, but then as I got older, I was like, wait a second, you just have food issues. You know what I mean? Like there's some compulsivity to the neurological, you know, like we all have our, our things. So

that was that. And, and then not really taking like Advil or like say I'll be at my mom's house and I'll be like, can you have any Benadryl? And she's like, I don't have that kind of stuff. Things for allergies. She means pink medicine. She means medicine should be more serious. Hold this ginseng in your mouth. Yes. Yes.

But you know, again, it's like, I think later I realized it's sort of like more in about not wanting to be deficient or ill or like just like a weird, somehow weird system, you know, that needed to be abided to. Sure. Did you go to the regular grocery store or did you go to a natural food store? A little bit of both. My mom still almost primarily goes to farmers markets and does all her little collection around farmers markets and then a few things from the store. But if you try to go to Safeway, she'll be like, ugh. She'll have like a visceral face reaction, be like, go to Safeway.

And then I went to Safeway recently because I always just kind of like, I loved Safeway, it was down by the beach. So I grew up in the outer Richmond. When you said you took the train all the way out there, I was already all the way out there at 45th. You basically grew up at the San Francisco Card Exchange. I was on the Richmond side. That sounds like it's a sunset side thing, if I'm recalling it vaguely. But I went to say I used to love Safeway because it was where I would get off. If I took the 18, I would get a transfer to my house or I would like meet friends down there or I would, there were a few bus transfers down there.

So Safeway was like my space. I loved it. And it did get weird over the years. It's in a very foggy, you know, just kind of strange crossroads down there. And I went recently and I was like, I got some bad blueberries. And when I was checking out, I put in my phone number, not thinking, and it asked me, do I want, it was something that I noticed after I said yes, but I use my mom's home number. So it's something about like, do you want to get texted coupons?

And I was like, Oh no, how do I undo this? And the next thing I know, like my mom's getting harassed by Safeway coupon calls on her landline. It was just exactly how she would have thought it would go. Emily, Emily, I've been typing my mom's landline phone number into that little keypad at Safeway for 30 years? Yes. Yes. When I was young, my mom shopped at the natural food store and the farmers market, but it was because we did not have a car and there was a co-op grocery store,

like a natural food store was the closest, was the only grocery store within walking distance. Which one? A rainbow grocery. Rainbow. I have such affection for that place. I really do. I love it.

Great place. Great place. And we would take the train downtown to the Civic Center Farmers Market, which was not It wasn't like the kind of like guy playing a steel drum and highly specialized hummus stand type of farmer's market. It was just like old ladies punching each other over Chinese broccoli. Just like a fucking free for all with elbows flying and shit. But when my mom moved, which was when I was like 12, we moved close to a safe way. And just my mom was so pumped to buy just a giant box of Cheez-Its. She was just into it immediately. Like, do you know, my mom, my mom, yeah, just like, what two liter sodas

should we buy? She was just pumped about it. Giant bags of gummy bears. Hell yeah. I mean, that's the transition you want. I don't know why my mom stuck it out. Meanwhile, it's funny that you say that about the type of farmers market that you went to, because I describe my mom as five feet, five foot zero and all elbows at the farmer's market. That's how I describe her as a person. She's all elbows at the market. She's a tiny little dervish. And that farmers market, the way that you described it. Yeah, these days I saw one recently where it was like There was a bushel of apples that said cosmetically un

What was it? Cosmetically unassisted They were butt ugly apples or whatever and they have like a way of saying it or oh wait are other apples cosmetically assisted Maybe With some wax and some if i've been eating Botox apples all these years? Yeah. Yeah. I'll give an apple a hand if it gives me 20 bucks. Well, hey, you guys want to see if the apples in the room need anything and then come back for a little bit more? We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jesse Goff. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. Hey guys, it's Jordan just breaking in here to tell you about all of the great bonus content,

that's Boko for those who like to say things short, that you can get if you go to MaximumFun.org slash join. Jesse and I have been doing weird, crazy, dumb episodes for Max Fun members for years now. There's hundreds of episodes of Max Fun bonus content up there in the member feed. This year we are doing Gracie's Game Gauntlet. These are retro video game reviews. The games are chosen by Jesse's daughter who loves horrible video games. So yeah, we've done Contra Force, we've done Superman for the N64, just terrible,

terrible games that Jesse's daughter is making us play. In some of our past bonus content episodes, we've made Elizabeth Gilbert, bestselling author, watch Smokey and the Bandit 2, and we've also recorded an episode from a rowboat on MacArthur Park Lake. So, MaximumFun.org slash join is where you go if you want to join Maximum Fun and support this show and all the other great shows on the network. It's a worker-owned co-op, you know, so we rely on memberships to keep going. So please go over there. We have a ton of fun making our bonus episodes. We want you to hear them and we want you to support Maximum Fun, maximumfun.org slash join. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective.

Emily Meyer Mills, French Twist. Emily, you're a Burbankian. If you had to pick your top three Burbank storefronts, what two are they in addition to the Martial Arts Museum? So Crystal Cottage, I don't know if you're familiar with Crystal Cottage, but we don't know what it is or what they sell, but it is a very sun damaged sign with a lot of stuff in the windows on shelves and there's no rhyme or reason to what is on the shelves. I mean, it could be a holly hobbit doll and then fake flowers. Like it, I don't know what it is.

I searched r slash Burbank on Reddit. Okay, what's the deal with the Crystal Cupboard store on Magnolia near Buena Vista? Does anyone know the story? Phone number is disconnected, never open. Oh, it never opened, yeah. Beer and tacos said, I've often wondered about this place myself, so I did a little sleuthing. The place has been there for decades, but according to the California Secretary of State, the store Crystal Cupboard at that location has a suspended business license and has had so since

the 90s. Wow. How can it still be there? Someone just owns the building and doesn't. It says, the woman who's listed as the owner of the Magnolia location seems to leave in North Hollywood, but from what public records I could pull, I think she's in her 80s. That adds up. Beer and tacos went deep. You saw it. I fucking love this. It's incredible.

Actually, it's a worthy wormhole. What other semi-abandoned storefronts can we get beer and tacos on top of? What about that Western Ware store on Valencia Street? at 26th 25th what about that? What why is there a Western store there? No one knows Anymore but there was that same picture of Nolan Ryan in the window for like 25 years. Go ahead Jordan. I was Driving down the you know, ultra specific business district in Burbank the other day and saw a store called Dark Delicacies.

Mm-hmm. Do not know- Like off the restaurant? I do not know what goes on inside Dark Delicacies, but I bet it's a place where someone can explain to you that monogamy is a tool of the patriarchy. Yes. Yes. Wait, was it a restaurant? Was it food?

I think it is like it is like goth items. Oh, OK. That adds up. There's a mystical. Music in Burbank as well as a lot lot of you know, stuffed bats and such. But if it is a restaurant, it has you know, like you know, cooked ghost meat, that would be. Wait, cooked ghost meat. Be a place I would like to eat.

I was thinking of like what a dark delicacy would be. I'm gonna be honest, I think both of you guys should be doing events at dark delicacies. I mean, Saturday September 28th, they're gonna have an abruptio Blu-ray signing. Okay. Wow. Cool. Including Jeff Farley, the lead fabricator. Amazing. Of the Blu-ray? Then the next day. I guess. The next day, they're bringing in actor Steve Easton. Oh my gosh.

Wait, is this a genre film place? It appears to be the home of horror. Oh, oh. Okay, well, maybe, yeah, maybe this is a venue we should be utilizing more. Right. Isn't there, this reminds me of a domain recently brought my attention to this philosophical society. Is that correct? In Los Feliz,

do you know what I'm talking about? It's on Los Feliz Boulevard. I've seen t-shirts for the philosophical society and wondered if it was real or a streetwear brand. It's real and a venue. Now, both people are doing shows there, but also if you look at their schedule, you can go see witches speak about witchcraft and various other kind of, you know, I'd say schools of thought schools of thought of a certain ilk that is pushing the boundaries of our consciousness.

That's great. I hate boundaries. I fucking hate them. Whoa! It looks like Niku Mofti is going to be there to talk about the transmutation oracle. Okay! Yes! The transmutation oracle? Are there still tickets? Jordan, let's go. I would love to go. Oh my gosh, that'd be great. I'll drive. It's a repository of multicultural wisdom sources, guys, since 1934.

I mean, you could see a wizard and a sorcerer speak. Holy cow. It's legit. We gotta hook these two up. Right? Don't you think the crystal-covered people, the dark delicacies people, and the Philosophical Research Society people should be doing a collabo? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah, definitely. Like, you get the palladium and the fonda, all the same promoters kind of deal. Like, let's get them all working in concert. Get a brand new thing. Guys, guys, I've got news. Dream blunt rotation. Can I tell you guys some bad news about the Philosophical Research Society? Oh no.

Baba Yaga's Enchantment Slavic Magic Festival has been postponed. Oh no. Fuck! Fuck shit. I had tickets. Oh boy. Look, they also play Mystery Science Theater 3000s on Friday nights. Whoa, cool! Whoa, cool, see, yes. Oh boy. Look, they also play Mystery Science Theater 3000s on Friday nights. Whoa, cool.

Whoa, cool. See, yes. Oh man. It's a cool place. That does sound like fun. I would love to watch some MST 3K. Emily Maya Mills, if people are gonna, where are you taking your current film? Where can people see it? This current film, Rare Medium, will be at Newport Beach

this mid-October and we'll be in New Orleans after that. If you're in Alberta, Canada, hey guys, we got places to check. If you check my Instagram, you'll see dates for all of these because I can't keep them straight, they're all in October. Hey, you made a grid. We made a grid.

Yeah, so the film's out there at festivals and you can see my monthly stand-up show, the Frag Town Show at Spoke Bicycle Cafe in LA. You're out this way. Oh, and you know what? I do a quarterly shorts night, a comedy shorts night at a place called Whammy. I know you love videos.

Do you know Whammy, Jesse? I don't know Whammy. It's only VHS tapes and VCRs. Uh oh. You cannot rent the VHS tapes you have to buy but you can rent the VCRs. So tapes are for sale. VCRs are for rent. It's great. I love it. And if your child is interested, you're gonna get It's worth it worth a little day trip. Wait, so what are you doing there?

Oh, we do like a night of shorts quarterly. So comedy shorts. It's like a one-hour No, no stinkers kind of all funny shorts and we don't keep anyone hostage longer than an hour It's a nice length. And then there's a mixer. There's a mixer before and after. And it is actually a fun, it's a fun night because a lot of films that have finished their festival runs and want to just have their cast out in LA come out, it's fun. It's actually a really fun night. I love it.

Bad news for you, funiculars. I'm all about fucking VHS stores now. Not so fun. Not so no fun now, are you? What are those VHS is setting me back, Emily? Anywhere from two to six bucks, maybe like 12 if it's like really rare. That sounds like a great value. Yeah. Yeah. I've at certain points had like 10 tapes in my hand and been like, you need

to come down. Gotta come down. What's your top VHS tapes? Weirdly we have like, I'm trying to think of what we actually have, Betrayal and I wanna say Two Lame Black Tops. None of them are comedy, but it's fun. It's fun to just stick them in. What were we watching?

Betrayal was really fun to watch. I don't know why it's like a very dark drama or it's like a moody 80s drama, but it's just it's really the seeing those little lines go by really brings you into it. It's fun to adjust the tracking. You know? Yeah. We love adjusting tracking. We love rewinding.

And who doesn't want to watch Throw Mama from the Train, right? Oh my, I watched Back to School last night. So oh my god, I've been wanting to rewatch that. How did it hold up? I mean, it's not a great movie, but could have been a lot worse. Went by easy. It was real easy. Went by easy.

Went by easy. It's got a teenage or, you know, 22 year old Robert Downey Jr. He's fantastic. He plays the best friend. It's got another guy who does a good job and has Hot Lips Hoolahan from MASH. I would say one of its greatest strength, of course, is that it stars Rodney Dangerfield and he just says a bunch of Rodney Dangerfield jokes while pretending to be a character. Does it hold up as a Rodney Dangerfield vehicle? Yeah, I mean, I think the Rodney Dangerfield is a vehicle unto himself. He's hurtling down

whatever tracks he's on the same way as any other set of tracks, but it's a pretty well built movie. There's a part where Kurt Vonnegut plays himself. Like doing a guest lecture kind of? Yeah. And Hot Lips Hooligan from MASH is sort of like an older babe who's Rodney Dangerfield's professor and immediately starts dating him without any concern. And you're just like, well, okay, I would like to date a hot lips who land for mash because she's so hot in this movie. She's just like a cool flighty genius who loves literature. She's so fucking hot. You're just like, of course, Ronnie Dangerfield

can date her. That's why I can date her. Right. But I think the romances in the film are purely proximity based. Like it's really just everyone falls in love with whoever they're standing next to the most. No scenes between the romantic characters, particularly just sort of all of a sudden everyone's getting married at the end kind of thing. Perfect.

That's what you want sometimes. Honestly, sometimes I crave that. Sometimes I'll crave like a 90s noir specifically, or sometimes I'll crave like the like a 70s movie that has no business going on for as long as it does. I mean, like, sorry, why? All Saudis, not a concise decade full of zippy action packed films. The fucking French connection probably has 40 minutes of establishing shots in it. For sure.

The Parallax View has like an hour long third act. I mean all acts are an hour. Yeah, all acts are an hour Jordan. That's a little screenwriting tip from Emily Maya Mills. Well, Emily, it's always a joy to see you. Thank you for joining us on Jordan Jesse Go. So lovely to see you. Thanks, guys. Jordan Jesse Go is, of course, produced by Stephen Ray Morris, our producer emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Our thanks to them and to their label Light in the Attic Records. And of course, you should join us on social media. We are at Jordan Jessie Go on Twitter. We are Jordan Jessie Go Pod on Instagram. We are Jordan David Morris and Jesse Thorne,

very famous on Instagram, our own personal selves. And we'll talk to you next time on Jordan and Jesse Go. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.

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