Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Praise Janey, with Amber Benson

Episode Date: December 14, 2023

This week we are thrilled to be joined by writer, actor, and convention veteran Amber Benson (Slayers: A Buffyverse Story) for a discussion on plane hangovers, nerd conventions, and more!Head to FACTOR MEALS and use code jjgo50 to get 50% Sponsored by Podia. You can start a community, build a full website, make your products, and start your email marketing all for free when you sign up at podia.com/JJGO.Jordan wrote a brand new graphic novel called Youth Group which you can pre-order at Fables Books in Goshen, Indiana. 

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Jordan, do you remember the phrase penguin in the pants? Oh yeah, sure. This is an early jordan jesse go chestnut um this must have been a decade ago now maybe even more we were so young we were so young all we could talk about was marbles and jack jacks tricking tricking kids into whitewashing

the fence for us. Sure. Running hula hoops down the street with a stick. We were kissing each other's boo-boos. Yep. Okay, so a penguin in the pants was... Right, yeah. In the early days of the momentous occasion, someone called in this momentous occasion

that seemed too good to be true. It involved someone stuffing a penguin into their pants in the zoo. To steal it, I think. I think to steal it or- Some sort of penguin smuggling- Or to teach it a lesson. Yeah. I honestly don't remember. Right. And we thought this was pretty remarkable. Right. We had a lot of fun with it. Yeah. And think i think we we don't our beloved segment momentous occasions where people call in and talk about something momentous that happened to them we

don't do any kind of fact checking um we just you know we we we assume the goodness in the hearts of man we did from like i'm trying to think it was like 2018, 16 to 18 when The New Yorker was distributing the show. We did have a fact checker on staff. But since then, we haven't done any fact checking. Previously, we did not do any fact checking. And it turned out that this Penguin in the Pants story was a falsehood. It was an urban legend being repeated as though it were a personal experience. And that led us to make a rule that there was not to be any penguins in the pants on our program. Right. Which is to say that we really had to believe that you were actually talking about yourself and not just telling tales out of school, so to speak. Right.

telling tales out of school, so to speak. Right. Now that I think has stood us in good stead in the sense that we have no reason to believe that anyone has ever called in and lied to the show since. And again, when we were with The New Yorker, we had that nice woman calling and checking for us, checking all the facts for us. The show was called Shouts and Murmurs

for the first five years. Yeah. We often call the reference desk at the New York Public Library just to check in on whether this was really someone's first threesome. I just like to call in and ask how the microfiche is doing. I'm sorry, sir. You've reached the microfilm department oh i'm sorry would you transfer me it's a different slightly different okay so super mikey very long time max fun jordan jesse go fan uh and redditor posted on reddit the closest thing that has ever really happened to a penguin in the pants, which is in Bangkok, Thailand. Have you ever been to Bangkok, Thailand?

No, I've I did spend one night there anyway. Hold on. Made it made this hard man crumble it was it's a very busy town um in bangkok thailand at the airport a taiwanese man was arrested because they noticed a bulge in his trousers hey i've been taken in i've been taken in multiple multiple times on that count yeah and um and they found they found that while the x-ray did not go off his bulge was active right and when they brought him to a special place a special private area bulge inspection place. I didn't want to say it. I don't want to be vulgar. It's behind the Chili's too at every airport. He was wearing designer boxer shorts and stuffed into his designer boxer shorts were two Asian small clawed otters and a prairie dog.

Wow. What's good, they were small clawed otters. That's what I was thinking. If you get those thick clawed otters, they'll really do a number on your junk. Especially, I know, to say nothing of your designer boxer shorts. Sure, yeah. This guy's not wearing BVDs. If you get otters in there, just make sure you don't give them a tool,

because they'll smash your business like it was a clam. They can use tools. Otters can use tools, whether in there or not. Do you know what I imagined his designer boxer shorts were? No. What did you imagine? Joe Boxer. My favorite boxer designer.

Most beloved novelty boxer short of 1996. That's the only designer boxer short I know. Anyway, this guy was trying to get to Taipei. I feel like after I turned 13, I would always get for a birthday a pair of silk boxer shorts oh yeah always hated i whenever i am wearing whenever i tried to wear them i just felt like scum yeah silk boxer shorts are a cruel trick silk is beautiful and i like to run my hand across it. Sure. But I don't want to put them on me and then put pants over them. Jordan, let me say this. I'll say this. You want to run your hand across silk? I'd love to rub my genitals on it in ordinary circumstances. Right. In ordinary

circumstances. Hi, Jesse Thorne from National Public Radio here to say, in ordinary circumstances, that sounds great. But what you find is silk boxer shorts don't rub on your genitals. They travel into your body. Sure. They shoot up into your nooks and crannies. Right. And begin to chafe. Silk loves a cranny.

Immediately. He stuffed them into three separate stockings. Okay. Which he then taped to his underwear. Now, are these animals valuable on some sort of black market? Holy shit, there's video of it. I didn't even... They really were in stockings.

So the whole process has been videoed? The taking out, the removing of the otters and the other thing? Holy moly. I'll tell you what is upsetting if they make a new if ridley scott ever makes a new alien movie the bad guy should be otters in black stockings because this is really upsetting looking yeah just teach teach these things to lay eggs in your chest and you got a movie there. Yeah. Anyway, I don't usually just read something I read in the newspaper. I just those little otters with their little claws, you know?

Yeah. So yeah, now a penguin in the pants is a false story. Yeah. But the truth is a stocking otter. Yes, but the truth. Stocking otters only here on the show. No pants penguins, only stocking otters. Exactly. Should we introduce our guest on the program, Jordan? Oh, I would love to. This is exciting. What a thrill it is to have this guest on the program. She is an accomplished writer, actor, and director. She is the, I hope I'm getting this right,

co-writer, director, and star of the new Audible original podcast called Slayers, A Buffyverse Story. Amber Benson. Hi, Amber. Hi. Sorry. Did I get those credits right? Amber. Hi. Did I get those credits right? I co-directed it and co-wrote it and I'm in it. I'm not a star. I'm just like one of the, there are many others bigger than me. I'm just in there saying things sometimes. But mostly I'm thinking now about silk and the places it goes and the things that hide in the, the places it goes. Stockings.

Dr. Seuss said it best. I was trying not to laugh the whole way through that. Cause you guys are so like chill about it all. And then you're like, Oh my God, there's a video. There was video.

It was horrifying. I just wanted to see the little animals. Instead. They're like, you didn't want to see them emerge from something. They're like monster pupae. Oh my gosh. Amazing. I actually had an airport related thing

that I wanted to discuss with Amber, if you don't mind. So I... You are one of the co-writers of Slayers. You also write terrific novels, one of which I cracked this weekend. It's called The Witches of Echo Park. It's been fantastic so far.

I'm loving it. I'm hooked. There is a scene early on in the book that I think is the best example I've seen in literature of what it feels like to be hung over on an airplane been there done that there's an early scene where a character has to like respond to a family emergency by getting on a plane when she's too hung over and it it just nails it so fucking hard i wanted i have is this something you've experienced firsthand or did you

just you know use your imagination to go there well i'm i'm a cheap drunk so it takes about two of any liquor item right to get me totally shit face two liquors two liquors not two waters but two liquors um and uh so i have i have flown a little inebriated and that that i i did not have the the stress of a family emergency but i definitely had the stress of trying to appear normal when one is not normal right on a plane so yes it's just all the all the things that suck about flying are just like dialed up to 11 when you're a little hungover. I had a long time listeners will know I worked for a long time for an action sports television network that's not around anymore called Fuel TV. I think it's still on in Portugal and on the TV in islands restaurants.

I think these are the places you can still see Fuel TV. They just have extra play VHS tapes of it that they run on repeat. Right. But that was a very hard drinking time. John McCain for president commercial? Says a customer at Islands. Yeah, they just taped the commercials.

As before the MyPill pillow guy was evil he was just someone's pillows um this was a very hard drinking time in my life um and this for this job we would like we would fly a lot there was a lot of like we would do a lot of remote segments and things like that so i was drinking very hard but the network very cheap. So we only had 6 a.m. flights. We flew exclusively on 6 a.m. flights. And I would like oftentimes go like still drunk, not having gone to sleep, having to fly from like Orlando to LA.

And it is some of the most unpleasant times of my life were on those planes. I can see fuel putting you on a flight from Orlando to Los Angeles, and it's a Southwest flight. Yeah. Yeah. Always a middle seat. I don't think I ever sat anywhere other than a middle seat. You're like, Southwest flies to Calgary?

Yeah. You're going to Vegas through Calgary. You can have like a seven-hour layover, but you're not changing planes. Right. It costs us $39. You will have to sit on the tarmac. One time I missed a flight and I was so upset that I missed it. I think it's the only time I've ever missed a flight that I went to wait for the next flight, the JetBlue flight. And I was so upset that I missed it. I think it's the only time I've ever missed a flight that I went to wait for the next flight, the JetBlue flight. And I was sitting there.

I felt physically awful. I'm so tired. And I have to fly to Boston before I can get home to Los Angeles. And they made that announcement over the loudspeaker, like, if you'd like to upgrade, an upgrade is available for $400 or something. I texted my wife.

I said, should I just upgrade to- tell the kids there's no Christmas this year? And she's like, daddy wants to splay out. And she's like, go for it. And so I wrote on, I wrote on JetBlue mint class and it was nice because I could sleep in the, you know, they had a bed. But the first thing they did was bring me a champagne and I don't drink, but I was sort of like, I don't know. I spent the $400. Like I should just drink the champagne, right? Like what a waste it would be for me to send them away. No, no.

Water, please. Thank you. Bring me your finest. Your finest Dasani. And that was the same thought process when they brought the Molly around, too? Yeah, exactly. I didn't want to tell them I was already rolling when I got on board. You wanted to get crossfaded.

Yeah. Actually, when they brought me the champagne, the first thing I asked for was Vicks Vapo Rub, which should have tipped them off. Did you ever fly Virgin America? And it had like the retro like disco party lights. Yes. And like the concerts and all kinds of banana stuff. That's what I was.

I don't know why. I know you were on JetBlue, but I was picturing you like flat out on a bed, but there was like a disco party happening around you. And a weird mist coming out of the overhead compartment. Where did that mist come from? I gotta say, Jordan, you're still on TV in islands restaurants. Somewhere in a salvage yard

where there's a Virgin America airplane, my, what was that network that I had a TV show on called? Oh, like Current? Current, yeah. I can only think it was Indy TV, which is what it was originally called. My current TV pilot just ran on Virgin America airplanes and nowhere else for like five years. Amber, when we met, we talked a little bit about your like con attendance. You're an attender of cons.

Have you become like a super frequent flyer because of like being a con attender? The thing is, it's never like the same airline. So I have miles on like 50 different airlines. I know there's not 50 different airlines. I know that's hyperbole. And I apologize for my hyperbolic behavior. Thank you, Amber. That was almost a penguin in the pants.

50 airlines. There will be no figurative language on our program. Only literal language. No similes either. I do that with my partner, my boyfriend. I'm always like 150%. He's like, yeah, there is no 150%. It's just 100.

You're full of shit. Not true. Not 150. But I have points from like 1,000 points from like all the different airlines. Right. So I basically can do, you know, maybe one minute of free Wi-Fi on every airline. That's all I get. I think you just got to start bullying these cons.

Pick an airline and start bullying. That's my recommendation to you, Amber. What airline do you guys have a suggestion? I mean, my first thought is Aeroflot. Do you have a preferred?

Aer Lingus sounds the dirtiest. Aer Lingus is a good one. Sorry. Oh my God. That's really funny. I mean, I guess just Delta or whatever. I don't know. Delta's nice.

Yeah. I did have, like, some Virgin America miles that then they went away so that they don't exist anymore. that that light mist and disco music is so fucking annoying when you're hungover from drinking the night before on fuel tv you're like i'm not at the rave anymore no i just want to go home yeah they really did play the worst version of the music in the lobby of a boutique hotel yeah i know i could i'm like'm like, I could taste the cucumber water when that music came on. I know the place where you're sitting travel-wise, though, Amber, because I don't travel enough to be a real frequent flyer,

but I travel too much to just... I mean, I'm also 6'4", but I also travel too much to just sit and coach and suffer. And there's no way out of that conundrum anymore. It used to be you would fly on JetBlue and Virgin America. Those were the ones where it was a little bit better, and so you could just sit and coach, and it wouldn't be that awful. But, yeah, and Virgin America, those were the ones where it was a little bit better. And so you could just sit and coach and it wouldn't be that awful. Uh, but yeah, it's, it's really tough. Like I know that my, uh, friend, John, my friend and colleague, John Hodgman, he wrote

an entire book called medallion status. And it was basically about the fact that after he stopped being in commercials for apple computers uh and thus stopped being flown cross-country twice a month uh in first class on the airline of his choosing he like plummeted from his status of whatever ultra diamond or whatever to normal human and just completely lost track of who he was because all that he had really built his whole emotional life around points and

then show business didn't need him anymore and like I can't I like want so desperately to travel enough that I could get enough points to get point favors but i don't think they even give you anything anymore as far as i can tell every time i try and interrogate

someone with a lot of points about what they get they don't seem to get anything yeah just like slightly newer movies on the on the on the headrest screen. Yeah, movies that have been in theaters eight weeks rather than movies that have been in theaters 12 weeks. Right. Like, here's a little code. Plug that in, you get Killers of the Flower Moon. Don't show anyone else, though. Don't let them know that you have it.

That's why you got to get credit card points. Oh, yeah. Credit card points. If you get enough of those, you can get some airline points. Okay. Then what do those get you? I haven't gotten that far. Still paying off my credit card debt.

Matt, email J. Keith Van Straten of thepointsguy.com. Yeah, you got it. Amber, what's the furthest you've gone for a con? That was not what I thought you were going to ask me. I was like, are we back in middle school? Amber, what credit card do you use? How far have you gone? First, second, third, home run.

Jesse and I are both saving ourselves for marriage. Amber, but we do want to know what it's like We want to know what to expect on our wedding night Amber, what are second and third? We don't really know Is first kissing? Yeah And how can you get pregnant?

Can I get pregnant from telling someone I like them? Amber, am I pregnant? You're pregnant You're pregnant. You're pregnant with airline miles that get you nothing. The question was, what's the furthest you've gone for a con? Have you gone to a continental con? I have. Honestly, the furthest I've gone is Australia.

Ooh. Yeah, I've been down under. What are Australian nerds like? Lovely. Lovely, and their accent is so fantastic that, you know. Really good accent. It's very enjoyable, and they're so

happy that you're there because it's so far away. They're like, thank you. And then when you go to Perth, which is the furthest. I've met Paul Hogan ten times, and he's great, but I'm tired of meeting Paul Hogan. I'm married to Yahoo Sirius, and he's great. Oh, my gosh. I forgot all about Yahoo Sirius. Young Einstein.

Young Einstein himself. Yeah, we were really into Australian shit for a while over here, weren't we? I was mostly into dipsy-do. What's that? That's what a playground slide is called there, Amber. A dipsy-do? Yeah. Somehow I didn't make it to the playground or any playgrounds while I was there.

That's the first thing Jesse does when he gets off the plane. Just goes right to the playground. Pushes down a five-year-old, goes down the slide. Amber, is there a sneaky great con that maybe you wouldn't expect? Obviously, San Diego has the giant Comic-Con and there's Emerald City and stuff, but have you been to a sneakier one that's actually kind of great? I had an amazing time at one called Clexacon in Las Vegas that is very much around the queer experience in fandom.

And it was awesome. I had the best time. Yeah, it was like I was there from Buffy and then there was like a lot of Wynonna Earp women and just a whole bunch of like queer centric shows and actors from queer centric, you know, shows and queer centric characters. And it was just absolutely lovely. It was such a great, great time. Highly recommend it i went to a i don't know if they still do this in la anymore but there was a a uh queer centric comic-con here called bent con and i went there to do a bit one year with a ucb show that i had done stuff for

and there's a photo of me getting uh getting spanked by a gender-bending catwoman. And it is the best picture of me. There's no better photo of me. I kind of want to use it for stuff. Because I look great in it, as does Catwoman. Catwoman looks fantastic. I mean, if anything, I should maybe not use it just because Catwoman looks so good. But I look at this picture and I'm like, how can I steal this, whatever magic I have here for other photos? You should use that as like a Christmas or a holiday or Hanukkah.

Oh, yeah. Kwanzaa. Like every holiday, you should do Passover. You could do Easter. This is just your card. I also should be clear from the card. Catwoman and I are not together. Catwoman will not return my calls.

You can just draw little jingle bells for Christmas on Catwoman. Oh, yeah, sure. Jordan, I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant by Catwoman. No! It's true. So that's how it happens. My baby is going to be one quarter cat?

That's fourth base. I don't know how much cat Catwoman is. Yeah, that's fourth base. Yeah. Having an animal-human hybrid child is fourth base. It's right to the litter box, you know? Right to the litter box. Because this con was in Vegas, was it especially hard drinking and crazy?

Or was it still kind of like nerdy pleasantness? Nerdy pleasantness. It was a lot of women and female-identifying people and non-binary people. And it was just very pleasant and lovely. And there was some drinking, but it was not like... Sometimes you go to those things and it's like four in the morning and it's like everybody from the con is still at the bar, like still going. This was not that. This was very pleasant and nice.

And yeah, it was lovely. Everybody got to bed at a reasonable hour. Yeah. Yeah. You know. Amber, I'm going to presume from the cast of Slayers that the people from the extended Buffyverse who go out to a con are all friendly. I'm going to presume it's like a, it's a collegial situation.

Like, uh, our friend Daniel Koenig always said her, her dad, Walter Koenig, uh, he was friends with all the other Star Treks except for Shatner, but all the, all the Star Trek, all the Star Treks people were buddies and they just, they just liked each other and they were glad to be in this weird boat together forever. So I'm going to presume that's the case for the extended Buffyverse community. However, what I want to know is who is your non Buffy con pal? Like, are are you friends with someone from Supernatural? Do you always make time for a cast member of Dark Shadows? I don't know if there are any Dark Shadows. There must be, right? I do adore an actress who I worked with on a lifetime holiday movie many, many moons ago. But she's also in this sort of like sci-fi world.

She was on, oh my gosh, I'm blanking on, it was the other one after. Oh my gosh. The sitcom Benson? Yes. It's Robert Guillaume. He's my favorite. Yeah. He identifies as a dead man.

Robert Guillaume, great Sailor Moon cosplay. No, my friend Magda Apenovich, she was on. yeah he identifies as a dead man Robert Gio great sailor moon cosplay no uh my friend Magda Apenovich she was on um one of the other after not Babylon 5 the one that was really popular oh my god I'm old and tired is what

has happened to me and I can't remember it's it was very Battlestar it was the other one from Battlestar but it was the second one the one that came after battle it was very battle start it was the other one from battle but it was the second one the one that came after battle it was like the offshoot cat yeah she was on caprica thank you oh my gosh she run by uh you and jesse just won ten thousand dollars yep yep run by jane yeah so magda i always am happy to see Magda. She's like my buddy. She was like 17 when I first met her.

And now she's like, you know, an adult human. So because we're all old now. I don't know how that happened really fast. I'm full of life. Although I did in Australia, I did have a really fun time with like a couple of the guys from The Love Boat. This is a pretty big tent con they're running. It was a very democratic operation. The one in Australia was amazing. I was on buses being shepherded.

Okay, so we were in a place called Penrith. And Penrith, the saying about Penrith is they're outside of Sydney. And it says, Penrrith we're here that's that's what the pen that they gave us said and i love the modesty on that we're here um it was lovely but a place yeah what are we if not a place a location you got some buffies you got some battlestar galacticas you got the love boat you have senator joe lieberman I mean it was pretty amazing the dude you're getting the Dell guy is there I have to say I love

the older dudes from kitschy and sci-fi shows are the best they're just like they're over it they don't know why they're there and they're just a little inappropriate and funny and i just i just enjoy someone threw them into a town car and drove them there

i would love to double back to the fact that you were in a hallmark christmas movie um let's see i think it was lifetime lifetime yeah i'm I was like, but I write, that's my other job, is I write like Hallmark and Lifetime, True Crime and one Christmas movie. No way. They kicked me off the Christmas movie. They're like, you're too Jewish. There's too much murder in this. They're like, you know,

usually the Jews are the ones that write them so well, but you're so, you've gone beyond. You can't, yeah, you're not good enough to do, yeah. Yeah, that's what i do for for that's that's i live in the house that that built hmm yeah their rules um what i what i've heard about those is like oftentimes they are just like shot in toronto in april and everyone has to wear a giant jacket, but it's like 90 degrees out. Was that your experience?

Yes. Yeah. As an actor and as a, as a writer, having written these things, I feel pity for the actors that are forced to like, like, yes,

it's, it's summertime. You're in a tank top and it's negative 10 out. Oh, you will have to drink an entire pint of hot chocolate in every take. Everyone has to be drinking hot chocolate or talking about it at all times oh it's that the christmas thing is is legit and tense like it's it is it is really like you there are rules about christmas and how it's portrayed and how much christmas you have to have and i did not have enough christmas in my christmas one what what are the

what are the standards oh it's like like there are like you have to have a certain amount of like um there have to be uh music like christmas songs and a certain amount of of what's happening um people have to be singing along there has to be like christmas like activities and you have to have a certain number of them and they have to happen at certain points a sex scene with santa there has to be a sex scene with santa yeah yeah i missed out on the scene with santa um this is the one that has to show shaft but it can't be too messy. He's like getting out of the shower. Well, they did have their first sex scene in a Lifetime Christmas movie recently. So it's only happened now?

It's only happened now. Oh my God. Yeah, sex and Christmas. But it wasn't Santa, was it? It was an elf or something. It was probably a cowboy, I think. Gotta be a cowboy. And Mrs. Close. Christmas cowboy. Yeah. Do. Gotta be a cowboy. And Mrs. Clucks.

Christmas cowboy. Yeah. You know, do what you want. It was called Christmas with the Cucks. So I watched a Christmas movie the other day. I watched Dashing Through the Snow, which is a Disney Plus Christmas movie that stars Ludacris and Lil Rel. Oh, that's fun.

The reason I watched it is because Lil Rel came on Bullseye, my NPR show. And he was, he's, the movie is very pleasant. I really, I was very glad to have watched it. How are the sex scenes?

Really hot. Yeah. I mean, you should, you really got to see what some of these elves are working with, Jordan. I'm just going to open this at another window here and watch while we talk. And you, Amber, mentioning the quandary of not being Christmas enough, but also being Jewish,

reminded me that I had noticed as I was watching the credits that the screenwriter of that movie was a guy named Scott Rosenberg. And I thought, well, that guy must be Jewish, right? And I Googled his name. And while he is Jewish, that was by far not the most interesting part of his Wikipedia page as a guy who wrote a movie relative to him having written this Lil Rel ludicrous movie. His top other credit, I would say, is Con Air. Wow. Oh, my God. He also wrote Venom. Oh, wow.

He wrote High Fidelity. Oh, my gosh. Like, what is the theme of this movie? He wrote Kangaroo Jack. Wow. I mean, we were joking around, but having seen, you know, a couple of these movies, Con Air and Venom, it's finding horniness in unusual places. Yeah, that's a good point. It just sneaks up on you like, oh, in this movie?

In this movie. Tom Hardy and Venom are horny for each other is there sex in the christmas movie there's no sex in the christmas movie uh there's no i mean it's like just think about how many movies he had to work on to get the credits. Like these are only the ones that he was credited in. You know what I mean? Like for a guy that's written on that variety of different movies, you know, that every three months he's writing on some crazy ass fucking movie.

He's also like punched up spotlight and American pie three. Yeah. Okay. Wow. Amber, of the Christmas stuff, is there stuff that you like the most? Is it like hot chocolate, carols, nog, or can you kind of take or leave any of it? Well, I'm a- Amber, start with this.

Do you celebrate Christmas? Well, I'm a mutt, start with this. Do you celebrate Christmas? Well, I'm a Mutt Jew girl from Birmingham, Alabama. My mom was raised Southern Baptist. My dad is the Jew from out here. And so they decided to go back to the South where my mom was from to raise their children. So we were the only Jewish kids going to temple who celebrated Christmas as well as Hanukkah. And, uh, I was telling my, my, my boyfriend has a nine-year-old who is just the best.

This kid is just awesome. I call her the small one. He's getting taller than me now. Um, but I was explaining to her, like, this is the bizarreness, like between the Hanukkah and then the Christmas and my born-again Christian grandparents coming for Christmas and my grandmother ordering a um ordering an ice cream cake from our neighbor who was Jewish uh and it's showing up he had a Baskin Robbins and it showed up and it said happy birthday Janie and my grandmother was incensed because it was supposed to say happy birthday jesus

praise janey so so that's how messed up holidays are in my brain i have i i'm so confused as to what i am i mean an ice cream cake is one of the only cakes that isn't risen that's a good point. It's true. Hallelujah. He is mint chip. You guys want to take a break and say a quick prayer to Janie and then come back for a little bit more?

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, brought to you by the members of Maximum Fun. Join Maximum Fun. That's really how Jordan Jesse Go exists. It's because of the members of Maximum Fun. If you join Max Fun and you listen to Jordan Jesse Go, your money passes to the production of this program, and we're very grateful to you. We're also supported this week by the folks from Factor, America's number one ready-to-eat meal delivery service. Yes.

Jesse, it's the holiday season. We're hustling and bustling around. What do you say you're doing? What are you doing more of, hustling or bustling? I mean, I'm caught up in the rat race. Poof, yeah. That's a whole other deal. Listen, rats are racing.

Hustlers are hustling. Bustlers are bustling. When are you going to find time to eat during all this? I don't know. I mean, look, Jordan, you know I love to cook, but I also sometimes am not there to cook. I'm at my house. I'm going from one thing to the next thing,

but I still want to eat like a real meal. And that's where Factor comes in because Factor has fresh, never frozen meals that come straight to your door. And you can have something nice. You can have something nice to eat that's like actually prepared by chefs, real food that's like ready to go. You got it. You got yourself a tasty flavorful protein you get nice veggies in there uh they got all kinds of they'll get all kinds of meals there to suit your preferences calorie smart vegan and veggie protein plus and more wholesome options and not just for

dinner you can uh you can get meals for any time of day they've got 55 plus add-ons to suit your preferences and tastes, quick breakfast items, lunch to go, grab and go snacks, ready to drink cold press juices, shakes, and smoothies. Factor has tons of good stuff. I know that I've shared this before, but there is like a particular use case in my life where Factor came in so clutch, which is I'm sitting here at my house. I'm preparing for an interview for Bullseye. And I realized that my interview for Bullseye, I'm going to have to drive to the office in 17 minutes, but I haven't eaten lunch yet. And I have to eat lunch before I go try and use my brain for work. And I think, oh no, am I just going to have to eat like a handful of potato chips for lunch? And then I remember, no, I got real food sitting

in my refrigerator. All I got to do is warm it up. Head to factormeals.com slash JJGO50 and use code JJGO50 to get 50% off. That's code JJGO50 at factormeals.com slash JJGO50 to get 50% off. We're also supported this week by the folks at Podia. Jordan, you've been thinking about starting a new business, right? I need money. Well, help. But I want it. I want to get it.

How do I get it, Jesse? What do I do? I want to start a business, but I don't know what to do. I want to get it. How do I get it, Jesse? Do I got to start? What do I do? I want to start a business, but I don't know what to do. I need something. Help. First of all, you need a premise. I would suggest selling rock tumblers. Ooh, make your rocks all shiny.

That's a good idea. I'm going to steal that. So let's say you got your rock tumbler business. We'll call it Jordan Rocky 3. Yeah, Rocky 3. business we'll call it jordan rocky three yeah rocky three but you need to build out all the online elements i'm not just a website that says oh rocky three sells all the hottest rock tumblers and not any Sylvester Stallone movies, but also email marketing, also selling stuff. And also, Jordan, I happen to know, a lot of people don't know this,

but I happen to know that as a thought leader in the rock tumbling space, you've recorded some online courses. That's true. About rock tumbling. How do I get those courses out there? Well, Podia has it all. Podia does all of those things together with no tech expert required.

You want to sell digital downloads. You want to do email marketing. You want to do online community building. You want to sell online courses. You want to host websites. All those things can be done in one place with Podia. Everything is in one place with one login. You don't have to figure out how to use or connect a bunch of tools. It all just works and it all just works together.

Podia also starts at the best price, free. You can start a a community build a full website make your products and start your email marketing all for free when you sign up at podia.com slash jj go jordan you've been shouting out bookstores where people are pre-ordering your upcoming book youth group yes i sure am it's very fun to do always love to get a little message from a JJ Go listener shouting out their favorite indie bookstore where they pre-ordered Youth Group. Always a joy to get these messages. I love them. A great listener got in touch and told me that they pre-ordered Youth Group at Fables Books in Goshen, Indiana or Goshen, Indiana. I don't know how to pronounce it. Both fun. Both Goshen and Goshen are fun to say. Wouldn't you agree? Absolutely, 100%. But yeah, fablesbooks.com is the place that this person ordered it.

And you can get it too. A lot of these places will ship. So if for some reason you don't have an indie bookstore you love, one of these that we're shouting out, they're a great place to order it. But you can grab it at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, bookshop.org, places like that. And hey, our super producer, Matt Lieb, has been dropping these links in the descriptions.

So for some reason you couldn't get to a pen and paper, just check the description of this episode and you'll find yourself a nice little pre-order link for Youth Group, the upcoming YA horror comedy graphic novel from me and Bowen McGurdy. Coming next year. Pre-order now. Jordan, I just got a text message from my wife. I found out what my daughter wants for Christmas. Ooh, what is it? A pre-order confirmation for Youth Group?

No, she's not interested in that. That's okay. I get it. She apparently just told my wife okay i've got what i want for christmas the deed to a cattle ranch i don't know what the context is there but just the deed though wait well i mean she would take thus take possession of the ranch, I think, right? I don't know. Maybe she just, you know, likes things that have been notarized.

Okay. Well, fair enough. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Amber Benson, smorgasbord lover. During production of the film Domestic Disturbance in April 2001,

Scott Rosenberg was arrested along with actor Vince Vaughn after a brawl in Wilmington, North Carolina. The scuffle broke out at the Firebelly Lounge where actor Steve Buscemi had been stabbed in the face, throat and arm. There is a there is a penguin in your pants. Yeah, this is a penguin in the pants. Or this is an eight part podcast podcast from the makers of Serial, unpacking that paragraph from Wikipedia. It just starts with him selling this episode of Tales from the Crypt that he wrote.

And then the great mystery is, you know, the story is the story of that stabbing. And the mystery is, how did he write all these jumanji movies wild get picked for it's got it you've got an uncredited uncredited work on spider-man oh regular spider-man anyway do you think he was fighting against v Vaughn or with Vince Vaughn? I mean, if I was working on set with Vince Vaughn, knowing what I do about Vince Vaughn, which is only second and third hand, 50-50 if I'm on his side or fighting against him in a bar fight, it really could go either way. Right. I could absolutely see somehow

i'm fighting vince vaughn i could absolutely see somehow i'm on vince vaughn's side in a fight you guys are like back to back picking each other up doing moves like i'm not a fighter but either of those seems vivid in my mind's eye now owen wilson of course i'm fighting on owen wilson's team there's no way i'm getting in a fight with owen wilson that's sweetheart he co-wrote rushmore that's all did steve buscemi really get stabbed in the face i guess so dang yeah Buscemi Vaughn attacked in bar brawl. Dang. Holy moly. He still looks great, though, you know?

He does. You would never know he was stabbed in the face. No, you would not. They were on location shooting John Travolta's new film, Domestic Disturbance. Travolta was reportedly not there when the fight broke out. He came later. How convenient. He got hustled right out of that bar.

Came careening into the room. I heard there's a fight. Let's go. It's me, John Travolta. Can we make it a dance-off? Oh, that's your suggestion for everything, Travolta. We've done 10 dance-offs. What about the presidential election, John.

Hey, speaking of penguins in the pants and otters in the pockets, right? Otters in the pouch? What are we calling it? The stockings. Otters in the stockings. Thank you. Thank you, Amber. We have some momentous occasions.

People called us up. They called us at 206-9844-FUN and left us some phone calls. And I think Matt is going to play one of those phone calls. Hey, Jordan, Jesse. And I'll guess legendary Romanian master of the pantsuit, George Zamfir. Close. Got to be him. I got a momentous occasion for you guys.

I'm standing in front of a George Washington statue here in Charleston, South Carolina and this tourist guy turns to his daughter and he says something like isn't that what Emily has in her backyard?

Emily seems to be the neighbor doesn't she have a statue like this? it looks just like it they discuss for a bit to clear up the confusion. And as they're walking away, I hear the guy say, it's Kaiser Wilhelm? What's their thing with Kaiser Wilhelm? It's about good work, y'all. Thank you for calling. And then they stabbed Steve Buscemi? Is this just

a guy and his daughter walking around on bath salts? Just thinking about the King of Prussia? What in the world? Can I tell you something? Yes. I wanted to make sure that I knew who Kaiser Wilhelm was. I got worried, but he was the guy I thought. But I had never looked at a picture of Kaiser Wilhelm. I got worried, but he was the guy I thought, but I had never looked at a picture of Kaiser Wilhelm. This guy's facial hair is bananas. Oh yeah. I mean, anyone that has Kaiser

and Wilhelm in their name probably does have crazy facial hair. What are we talking? I can't, I'm not looking at his back. He has a wide stash, like a full width stash, but the full end width just goes straight up. So it's like a movie villain waxed mustache, only it's a full, it's as though the mustache stopped at the edge of the mouth and then made a turn and then just went straight up into the air absolutely nuts beautiful no wonder this guy started world war one holy cow look at this fucking skull hat he's gone on yeah how what do you how could one confuse that with George Washington, I wonder? I don't know.

I mean, did George Washington... I'm sharing a picture from Encyclopedia Britannica. Ooh. My Encyclopedia of Choice, thank you. Did George Washington ever wear a giant fur hat with a skull and crossbones on it? Dang. Because that could lead to the confusion. Yeah, maybe he would have gotten some shit done if he did. Yeah, I said it.

George Washington didn't do shit. What's the round thing at the top? It looks like a cross between one of those mirrors that a doctor wears on their forehead in a cartoon. And, frankly, a symbolic lady's intimate part. Yeah. Or possibly a sea urchin. Yeah. Yeah, a sea urchin. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

Yeah, I was like, there's, yeah, this is a little bit Freudian, but yes, that does look like a vagina hat to me. So he's trying to show his love of gynecology? Is that what the hat really?

Right, yes. Georgia O'Keeffe designed his hat. And then on the side of Wilhelm's hat here is a boom of some kind that looks like if you took one of those, you know, that kind of microphone that a sportscaster wears where it's coming from his earphone and it goes down in front of his. It looks like if you made that out of a fish. Yeah. Okay. yeah. Just looking at this picture, I want to start another World War I. I feel like that could be a lever.

I'm in the mood. That's like a lever, and it's going to raise the vaginal thing up and down. It's a vaginal crank, yes. That's what we call fifth base. We work the vaginal crank. Don. That's what we call fifth base. We work the vaginal crank. Don't forget to crank the vag. Nope. Amazing.

Oh, man. History is such a multi-layered ice cream cake, isn't it? While the Encyclopedia Britannica is still around, at least in website form. You haven't bought any encyclopedias lately, Jordan? No, you know, we had a nice set of encyclopedias. It was kind of the family pride and joy. Rich kid shit, Jordan.

Mm-hmm. Do you guys not have encyclopedias? We had world books eventually eventually i did get not to brag but when my dad got his service related disability certified and got some va benefits we did get in carta oh nice um this picture he just has a full fucking bird on his head okay i'm sharing this one matthew it's your job to share these on facebook or something because in this this is a painting of him and he's wearing a pretty regular military outfit. It's gray. He's got a little cavalry sword, you know.

And he's got his stupid mustache. But then he's looking up and on his golden helmet is just a full on bird. Just a full size fucking bird. Yeah. Is this a thing where. And the bird has a little crown. Is the thing is people fear you in battle more because you look insane like oh this guy doesn't believe in anything he's or you know he's got a he's got

birds and pussies on his hats i just shared with him this one just truly looks like this this one is from this one is from a website. I'm just looking at the Google image search, but the title of the website is Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany fan casting. I don't know. Got to be Timothy Chalamet, right? That guy's good in everything. I was going to suggest Robert Guillaume.

I could see a nice set of encyclopedia coming back as like an like a hipster affect like lps and yeah and yeah right exactly physic physical media like what if our phone what if the grid goes down like i want to be able to look up eli whitney the inventor of the cotton gin yeah what. What is an atoll? What is it? Yeah, that's the greatest thing to look up in an encyclopedia. What is an atoll? What does a jellyfish eat? Yeah, Chad GBD doesn't know what an atoll is.

Yeah. No fucking idea. This dude straight up wore a fucking bird on his hat. A full fucking bird, flat, maybe it is it is a way to get your enemies to underestimate you they think you're so bananas that they're like i can kill this guy pretty easily and then they let their guard down holy mackerel this is one of the most incredible kaisers i've ever seen in my life. Kaiser Wilhelm is dramatically more incredible than Kaiser Permanente. Thought you were going to go with the role, but hey.

Oh, yeah. That's another good. It's a good Kaiser poll. Jordan, what are your top three Kaisers? Well, I would have said So Say, but have you seen the end of that movie? Spoiler alert. Guy's not even real. Sorry to spoil you.

Usual suspects for everybody. If something momentous happens to you. That's real. That's real. Send us a voice memo at JJ go at maximum fun.org or give us a call at 206-984-4FUN and leave us a voicemail. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. If you're black, you probably love you some Paramore, huh? Or what about the TV show Golden Girls?

Ginger Ale? Daytime television? Don't lie. I know you love at least one of them. I'm Sequoia Holmes, pop culturist and host of Black People Love Paramore. Contrary to the title, it is not a podcast about the band Paramore. Each episode, I, along with a special guest co-host, dissect one pop culture topic that mainstream media doesn't necessarily associate with Black people, but we know we like.

Tune in every other Thursday to the podcast that's dedicated to helping Black people feel more seen. Black People of Paramore is now on the Maximum Fun Network. Check out the most recent episode featuring Char Giselle today. Throughout history, sirens have captured men's attention, enticed men with their feminine wiles, and fulfilled men's primal needs. The sirens allure- They have not. Unless the primal need is, I need to be smashed on the rocks.

Yeah, smash me. Smash me, mommy. Smash me, mama. Smash me, mommy. The sirens allure- Why do we do this to ourselves strand me baby strand me baby so yeah

this is my brother my brother me from maximum fun on mondays it's just like that just like that but more of it there's more of that. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective.

Amber Benson, the Star Spangled Banner bugler. November 17th. I was going to say, you don't have to come up with a new nickname every time. But if you top yourself like you just did. I couldn't remember what I said the last time. But whatever it was, you blew it out of the water. Thank you. Whatever that last nickname was is sunk to the bottom of the A-toll. Did I use it right?

I don't know. I don't have an encyclopedia in front of me because we're all glued to our little phones getting dopamine hits from Jeff Bezos. November 17th, 1913. Kaiser Wilhelm II of Germany bans tango. Ah. Kaiser Wilhelm of Germany forbade his officers to dance the tango while in uniform,

describing the dance as Rinnsteinkind or a child of the curbstone. That's what I always say. But tango was all the rage among the high classes in Germany. It was fashionable to throw elegant tango tea parties, but they began to incur the wrath of government and church leaders. Cardinal Emmett in Paris declared that Christians should not in good conscience take part in it. Wow. I agree. You've seen these things? More erotic than a Christmas movie. More erotic than Santa getting out of the shower. Tell me about it. What's the most horrifying crime that you've written a movie about amber

um i wrote one that was based around the slender man case the two girls that tried to kill their friend and we ended up i think they got a little nervous i did a ton of research and wrote the thing and then they got nervous so we sort of made it inspired by and change some of it. So it wasn't just the actual story. But that stuff, it really does mess with your with your your soul. It's that you have. Do you have like a happy time fun thing that you do to unwind once you've been writing about true crime all day? You know, the true crime was my happy time fun unwind once you've been writing about true crime all day? You know, the true crime was my happy time, fun, unwind,

and then it became a career. Right. So Candy Crush. Candy Crush became my friend. Soda, Candy Crush soda, because you can do more things, and I've gotten much farther in that one. It's like a sequel to Candy Crush. Yeah.

Amber, can I pitch you something? I mean, you're in show business, of course. Sure. I'm at the top of the show business heap here as a podcaster and public radio personality. I'm so far up there myself. I'm like, you know, right at the shit top. By the show business heap,

I mean a heap of abandoned virgin america airplanes that are still playing current tv yes um i'm pitching you'll see me eight times a day in various islands restaurants five dollar my side tuesdays it's a great deal jordan why are you bothering denzel Denzel Washington again. He's very tolerant. He's doing great. He's a great guy. Amber, Slender Man Christmas? Slender Man Christmas. That, yeah.

Because Santa is famously not slender. So like if slender... Oh boy. So are they enemies? Or unlikely friends? This is enemies to lovers well slenderman has a a vague resemblance to um uh you know nightmare before the christmas oh jack skellington kind of thing so i feel like i've already it's already been trod upon that that stuff i feel like i i I'm too late, but it's a great idea. I don't know.

I think there's room. Sell this to Shudder. Shudder's got to be putting together some Christmas stuff, right? Shudder X Lifetime. That's the collab we all need. Everybody wants in on Christmas. My poor mother, that's all she watches now is Hallmark Channel Christmas movies. She's like, I can't face real life anymore.

I just want to live in a world where I know that everything's going to work out. Right. I just want to know that a busy lawyer can move back to her small town and fall in love with a hunky baker. Yeah. I mean, I get it. I get why people are obsessed with all of those films. World is pretty

messed up. Those have an A to B and you know what's gonna happen. You got all these Slenderman running around. Slenderman. Slenderman. Yeah. John Slenderman. DDS.

I'll try and throw that in for you guys the next thing I do. I'll be like, Slenderman. Yes, a character. Go see my guy Slenderman. He'll get you some nice crowns on your teeth. Well, Amber, it's been a joy. I listened to some of Slayers, and it is a vividly realized world, Amber. My compliments to the co-directors.

Thank you. Thank you. No, we had this guy, Casey Weyland, and his team just did a beautiful job with all of like, I mean, it just sounds like a million bucks. I don't know how they made it sound so good. It's truly like all the action stuff and all the effects. And it's in like Dolby Atmos.

So it's like 3D for your ears, which is kind of crazy. We were, yeah, I was very lucky. I had a great group that I worked with. Hopefully people like it and we'll get to do more of them. You know, we'll see. I sound so, woo-hoo. Matt, are you mixing Jordan Jesse Goen Atmos? Am I doing what now?

Are you mixing Jordan Jesse Goen Dolby Atmos? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. And it also does like head tracking. So if you move to the left or right, your vocals move around depending so it's like you're inside the studio yeah so no matter the goal here is no matter which way the listener moves their head they can't escape they can't get away they can never escape it's dynamic it's like what if wario put in a butt plug? And then people are like, whoa.

And if you run, you get louder. And after a while, it sounds like you're yelling at them. And if you try to turn the podcast off, it doxes you. Tweets out your home address. Don't turn it off now. eats out your whole madras. Don't turn it off now. Anyway, the moral of this story here is why listen to our show

when you can listen to Slayer's and immerse yourself in the Buffyverse. No, you need both. You need you guys and Slayer. You need it all. It has to be well-rounded. The yin and the yang. I'll also shout out

The Witches of Echo Park, which I just started reading. This is your novel. Funny, fun, spooky. I'm loving it so far. You guys are very kind. Yeah, maybe we'll make a great holiday gift. I don't know.

I don't know. For your maiden aunt. Yeah. There you go. And if this comes out after the holidays, holidays 2024. 2026. 2026 2026 a great time to give the witches of echo park and slayers season five on audible yeah pre-order the witches of echo park out 10 years ago

oh yes uh amber it's been a joy uh the podcast is called Slayers. It's available on Audible. It's a lot of fun. Definitely worth your time, whether or not you're a Buffy nut. Got one Buffy nut. I don't know. I don't know shit about Buffy. My wife's a Buffy nut. We both enjoyed the podcast.

So there you go. Our theme music on Jordan Jesse goes, love you by the free design, courtesy of the free design and light in the attic records. Our producer is Matt Lieb, producer Meredith, Brian, Sonny D Fernandez. We are on Reddit,

maximum fun. Dot. Reddit.com. Where we, you can see all these Matt post, all these pictures of Kaiser Wilhelm on Reddit. Okay. Yeah.

I'll post those up at maximum fund. Dot. Reddit.com. It's going to be those up at MaximumFun.reddit.com. It's going to be all daddy underneath it. Daddy, daddy. World War Daddy. Put your bird hat in me. What?

Yeah, anyway. That's the end of our show, I guess. Goodbye. I'll hug you and kiss you and love you love you love you love you love you

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