Jordan, Jesse, GO! - The Affirmations Jug, with Cristela Alonzo

Episode Date: October 12, 2023

This week comedian Cristela Alonzo is back on the podcast to help Jordan write some inspirational phrases on his water bottle to encourage hydration. Jordan wrote a brand new graphic novel called Youth Group which you can pre-order now from Moon Palace Books!Get your tickets to see Jesse Thorn and John Hodgman on the Van Freaks Road Show Tour 2023. If you are in the San Francisco Bay Area on Tuesday October 17th at 8pm, producer Matt Lieb and his wife Francesca Fiorentini will be headlining the Punch Line comedy club in San Francisco. Get your tickets NOW!See Cristela Alonzo do stand up! Check out her website for fall and winter dates!

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. How you doing, buddy? I'm doing good. You want to talk about my cup? Yeah, sure. You see this cup?

Oh, okay. I thought it was an athletic-typed cup that you were wearing. No. You know, before we started the show, when I was having everybody line up and kick me in the nuts, I'm not wearing a cup, man. Oh, wow. I've just been strengthening my sack. I feel like— And I wanted to impress everyone. The audience doesn't know how many nut shots are involved in making this program.

You got foul tips, errant throws. You got, of course, Draymond Green is here, and he does that kick when he does jump shots. Can't do this with you. You can do it by yourself. Well, I was going to bring it around. Of course, we have, who hosted America's Funniest Home Videos? Bob Saget.

Alfonso Ribeiro. Alfonso Ribeiro. He makes sure somebody gets kicked in the nut on every episode. In the nuts. And then other, oh, we keep jumping off of something onto a horse. Sure. And, oh, and we hate almonds so that's a more literal nut shot sure yeah we take shots against almonds which waste water they waste water they waste water

waste of water uh speaking of water i got this uh i listen it's a goal of mine to start drinking more water that's a great goal. I just want radiant skin. Is it too much to ask? Okay. Again, I think you should get a humidifier in your bedroom, but go ahead. Okay. But, I mean, you should be taking in water. Yeah.

That's a really good point. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Thanks for that, Jordan. This show is as educational as it is entertaining. Which is to say, extremely. We're technically a lifestyle brand.

Yeah, right. Yes. And human doctors. We're the goop of whoever listens to this. Yeah. We're the goop of a few. Sure. Wine moms?

I don't know. Who knows? If you're a wine mom and you're out there. Maybe whiny moms? Yes, whiny moms. They've got a lot to whine about. It's a tough life. It's a tough life, especially single moms, who I think are the real heroes.

Anyway. Well, them and first responders. Oh, gosh. I can't say enough about first responders. Oh, my. What's your number one response? Well. Help.

Fire. Mine's probably quickness to anger. Get this off me okay so you have a giant so for our listeners at home uh you have what i'm gonna conservatively estimate as a 32 ounce cup yeah yeah it's transparent plastic it it is now it wasn Continue. Okay. And then it has a bright, I'm going to call it 2000s Godzilla green colored lid. Yes. And straw. Are you thinking of the 1998 Godzilla? Oh, thank you. 1998 Godzilla. Thank you very much.

I'm not here to Godzilla-splain to you, but I care about your mentions. The Iguana Godzilla. Sure. You're not talking about Final Wars. No, I'm not talking about Final Wars. No, you're not talking about Final Wars. I wouldn't be talking about Final Wars. God, I hope Elliot Kalin's not listening because if he is, he's dead by now. Sure.

That thing happened where the steam came out of his ears, his head exploded, and then he was dead from that. He's in the parking lot keying both our cars. Yeah. So you have a big ass water cup. So here's, I got this cup because I wanted to hydrate more. I wanted something that fit my car cup holder. Right, sure.

Got on Amazon, typed in all that stuff, got this guy. And I've really been liking it. It has a metal straw. It has a little plastic doodad for the metal straw. Very fun in the mouth, this straw. It does look like it has like a silicon tip. Thank you. Which is nice for champing.

You champ, you chomp, you throw her in the dishwasher. This has been a great cup, and I think it has really helped my water intake. Have you thought about one of those ones with a little nipple on the end? You know the kind I'm talking about? I like that. I like the nipple sensation. I fucking love the nipple. I do. They leak though, but I love the nipple. I feel like scum when I'm doing it. No, I feel great. I feel liberated. I just don't want anyone to look at me. Maybe this is my hang up. Maybe this is my baggage that I'm dealing with. I kind of make the little slit on the nipple munch the tip of my tongue. Yeah, I do that too.

And then I don't like it. Okay. Well, I do it and I feel like this is the best water I've ever drunk. Here's my thing with those. Yeah. The leaking is a thing, but also doesn't fit my car cup. Okay. That's a big problem.

So, you know, I've had to say goodbye to the nipple and I've said hello to this cup. What I think we'll call the Hank Azaria Godzilla cup. Yeah. From here on out. That's right. Yeah, sure. Yeah, this cup reminds me that Hank Azaria, funny man Hank Azaria, is surprisingly ripped. Sure.

So, and a thing that I liked about this cup is all up and down the side, it had encouragements. Oh. Like it had little lines telling me that I'm doing a great job for hydrating so much. Right. You'll have to pee soon. Helping me along on my, well, that's constantly for me always. On your journey to find a public restroom. Yeah.

Yes. What will you buy at Starbucks? What's the cheapest thing you can buy at Starbucks to get the code? And it had all these encouragements, but they all came off in the dishwasher. Wow. And so, I don't know, maybe I was going to ask for your help, maybe our guests' help. Right. In replacing some of these-

Aphorisms. Aphorisms. Affirmations. Yes. Hydration affirmations hydration affirmations just because again I don't want to like lose steam on my hydration journey well I mean we know about that poetry

that was on the wall of my father and stepmother's bathroom from the Rubaiyat ah fill the cup what boots it to repeat that time is slipping underneath our feet, unborn tomorrow, dead yesterday. Wife read about them, if today be sweet. Love it.

A little long. Okay, that's a little long. I love it. I love it! Okay. It's a little long. Okay, maybe just fill the cup. Sure, that's, okay, that's one. I need like ten of these things. Well, let's bring in our guest. She's not only one of our favorite guests and favorite pals,

also a brilliant stand-up comic, and third-string television news commentator, Cristela Alonso. Thank you for giving me third string. Well, I heard it was Julian Castro. And then who's number one?

Maria Teresa Kumar. Okay, but number three is not bad. I'm not even on the list. Do they call me? Does John Dickerson call me? He has my phone number. J.D., call me. Should.

Call me, J.D. A hundred percent. I mean, you actually are more fitting for it than I am. I don't need to go on television. You've got Supreme Court takes, right? Dickerson, I don't need to go on television. You've got Supreme Court takes, right? Dickerson, I don't need to go on television. I just want to pet your dog. That's a great dog.

Dickerson's got a great dog. By the way, the top of your bottle reminds me of, you can't do that on television, Nickelodeon slime. It does. That's really good. That is the color. I like to go even more, even earlier than God's. A classic 90s Nick slime. Yeah.

Let me ask you this. Are there any inspirational phrases we could use from this cup's color namesake, The Mask, starring Jim Carrey? Drinking. somebody start me on my journey toward hydration it's so depressing that they came off i can almost it's such a bummer i know you can see a couple of them and rise and shine is still kind of on there what i okay so i'm trying to see some of them. One says feeling awesome. One says you can do, presumably you can do it. And then this one says almost there.

What does that mean? Yeah, I know. It kind of sounds sexual. I'm close. I'm close to finishing my water suggesting that you and then at the bottom it just says refill yeah I mean that's like and then

you know it starts all over again yeah but at the bottom refill just means it doesn't even feel like you want anything like you're just going to another refill well this is great this is maybe I maybe we can replace refill with something like how about oh it's wet up in here. Like, you know what I mean?

I love this. Matt, is there a Sharpie out there? Oh, it's wet up in here. I can get a Sharpie. Can you get a Sharpie? Yeah, I can get a Sharpie. To me, I think if I got to the bottom of the cup, I wouldn't want to see refill. That's what I'm saying.

I would want to see a message that says I don't have to drink water anymore. Now I can just drink soda. You know, actually, like just because I think arrogance always helps. At the bottom, it should say instead of refill something like 99% of humans don't get here. Congrats. Oh, yeah. Because then you feel special. Now you feel special.

This is great. Refill's just like, hey, do it all again. But let me pitch you something else, a little different. You get to the bottom, and it says, great work, switch to lemonade. Like, then you get to drink, look at this lemonade. Look at this lemonade in here. after that can i have milk milk i kind of i like that okay this is great i feel like we're coming up with a lot of good stuff i found a pen is that helpful no it isn. It needs to be a Sharpie pen.

All right, hold on. Man, scavenger hunt. This guy's constantly telling us he went to UC Santa Cruz. He can't find a Sharpie pen? Well, I guess it makes sense. Okay, Trax. None of us can find Sharpies. I can't.

You can't. That's a good point. Christella, do you take hydration into account? Is it something you're thinking about? Yes, actually, I love it. I'm very serious about it.ella do you do you do you take hydration into account is it something yes actually I love it I'm very I'm very serious about it how do you do it you know uh so I drink a glass of water the moment I wake up I've talked to a lot of people who do that yes I do I don't know why I can't do it you know what it is to me uh I'm a big coffee drinker and I have this thing where I feel like i have to drink a glass of water before i have any coffee okay because then it actually uh the coffee can

dehydrate you more if you don't have any water inside you so you start off with that kind of cleanse the palate and then you can have your coffee then you can have your coffee see i'm i'm i'm pounding the joe from the second i wake up. See, you gotta pace yourself. You gotta pace yourself. The caffeine will hit different if you are hydrated. Okay. Ooh. What do they call it? Getting cross-faded? I don't drink coffee, so

I'm not worried about that reason to hydrate first thing in the morning, but I do eat just a bunch of dried apricots. You guys. And I eat freeze-dried liver treats. That is your coffee. Don't talk to me until I've had my freeze-dried liver treats.

I'll eat a whole astronaut ice cream first thing in the morning. But think about it. Your body has not had any water in hours of sleep. So it needs to have it. It needs to replenish. I don't mean to contradict you. My body's getting a fair amount of water because I have a fucking humidifier in my bed. This guy's big on humidifiers.

I have one too. Yeah, they're real, right? Yes, they're great. And I have a travel one that I travel with. Oh, yeah. It's just next level. And I have options for the travel ones. I have one. It depends on how long my trip is. If I'm going to do one

show and I'm going in and just getting out, I do the humidifier that you can put in a water bottle so it doesn't take up space. It's just like the stick that creates the humidifier. Do you just stick it in an Aquafina? Yep.

I mean, if you're desperate, yeah. You're like, mostly Fiji for me. I know. Whoa, I mean,

I guess. Smarter, better. but if you have Aquafina money, yeah. Okay. And I do.

But if I'm doing a weekend, there's a- Jordan's married to aquafina so i have her money we have a joint bank account she does great she was the star of a disney movie so wow that's impressive oh her jumanji stories oh i can sit and listen to her jumanji stories just incredible apparently that was a really fun set. Yeah. Jordan, I have a question. It was obviously a very small ceremony. I wasn't able to be there. Yeah, we wanted to, but, I mean, it was just a small ceremony.

All her family was there. Lots of rivers and streams. It's hard to get them. Her family, she's a bottle of water. Her family are bodies of water. Yes. Well, extended family. Cousins, everything. Uncle F of water. Her family are bodies of water. Yes. Well, extended family, cousins, everything. Uncle Fjord.

I'm sorry. Spring water. The spring's got to be, you know. A lot of inlets. Yeah, you know. I couldn't go because I can't swim. Let me say this. Yes.

We invited Cristela. She's like, she wrote on the card. I'm not going to be the one to tell guys whoer he's not invited he's gonna blow his top we call geyser karen behind its back it's awkward no i was just gonna say some shit about aquafina it's not as good as the other stuff so go that's okay no yeah i thought the stuff we did was something about a wraps amazing um okay so you have travel humidifiers one that goes into a water bottle and that's like you have a bigger size for i have a smaller i have a travel humidifier that you know um you can fill up and it the little tank is a little bigger so i take it for the

weekends and stuff but it's very good. Like, I love it. What are your—okay, I feel like a lot of stand-up comics. Stand-up comics, you've been working the road lately because you weren't working the road for two years. Yesterday was my 20-year stand-up, like, anniversary. Oh, my gosh. 20 years. It's crazy. 20 years of laughs.

Did you get a chip? Yeah, I used them to buy aqua. Yeah, go ahead. Congratulations. I feel like stand-up comics, they're often like travel masters. It's like the only people who can match them are like road salesmen. Sure. You know what I mean?

Like a stand-up comic you're on the road sometimes 30 35 weeks a year yeah um so what are obviously if we opened your suitcase yeah we'd find undie pants yeah shirts yeah trousers we don't need to talk about these things these are obvious yes what other items are contained in i have a collapsible uh tea kettle okay okay because i love tea and um sometimes if you go to hotel rooms they'll have coffee makers they're the keurigs and you can't make tea in a keurig the water that comes out of it is not the right temperature and it probably tastes like coffee, right? And people don't understand how important the temperature is. So I got a collapsible silicone tea kettle.

And it's, you know, about maybe I would say six inches wide and like collapsed. It's probably like two inches tall. And I put it in my room and I make some honey ginger tea that dissolves. They're crystals. So you just put it in the water, it dissolves, and then you can drink it so there's no teabag. You've got freeze-dried tea. Yeah. Have you ever thought about making tea from liver trees?

No. An idea. It would make your coat very shiny. Hello, sharks. Does your collapsible water kettle, the kind where you can control what number temperature it goes to? No. That one's actually, it turns off exactly when it gets to the temperature it needs. Oh.

Because my wife, this woman's a kettle nut. She got a kettle where you control exactly how many degrees it is. I have one of those for the home use. For home use. Yeah. Because you want to steep at different temperatures depending on the item. This one you're taking on the road with you, this is electric. You plug it in? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Or is this wood-fired? Do you bring a stove with you? I buy hand warmers and build a pile. Very crafty. I love that. I also have a, depending on where I'm going, but I have little bags, and each bag has different items that I like to use.

bags and each bag has like different items that I like to use you know so it's like I have I have travel version of everything I use at home so like my makeup I have smaller versions of everything so it's a small bag I have my pharmacy and it's just everything that you would possibly need everything at the pharmacy so big book of crossword puzzles. Yes. Bible quotes. A blood pressure machine. Blood pressure machine. Shockingly expensive bag of candy. A lot of new Reese's products I haven't heard of.

They're putting chips in these now? 229. Okay. But it does look good. Sure. They're putting chips in them now. Okay. Grisela.

Yes. I have to say, I had this conversation one time with Paul Scheer, our pal, the great Paul Scheer from the podcast How Did This Get Made? And I was shocked to learn that Paul doesn't keep a go bag of, you know, personal products ready to toss into his luggage when he travels. He's like, how do people do it? And I'm like, you just get one of everything that you need and you just keep it in the bag. You don't fill the bag every time or you're going to forget something every time. You got to have a bag that's locked and loaded.

All you got to do is, Todd, there's a toothbrush in there. There's toothpaste in there. Everything you need is in there. And then you just toss that baby in there and you're good to go. You're golden. Absolutely. Like, it makes, it took me a while to figure that out. I am also the master of I pack just enough.

You know, when I started going on the road, I overpacked. A lot of people overpacked. You know, you put on, like like you want to pack a fancy outfit like you ever dress up at home you're like why do I bring my high school yearbook yeah exactly you're like like I'm dressed up like in case an emergency prom breaks out I'm like whoa like I gotta go you know what I mean I can't I can't skip it. It's a night to remember. I've always wanted to be enchanted under the sea. But, you know, it's funny. I usually, I don't check in bags normally.

I even try to fit it under my seat. Yeah. Like the, you know, like it's very basic. You don't even go up top. I try not to. Do you have one of these special bags that travel nerds have? Well. Some travel nerds have like a bag where it's specifically so that you're only carrying one bag. You only have one pair of pantyhose to pull over your face when you're doing bank robberies and that's all you bring.

One Richard Nixon mask in case you want to do the bank robbery with your team of extreme sports addicts. I actually have a suitcase that I use for special occasions. And it's a red Lego brick. Okay. That is pretty special. I had been looking for this suitcase for two years. And I realized it wasn't being sold in the United States. My friend Jake Johansson, fantastic comic.

Very funny stand-up comic. His wife is from New Zealand and they went to visit her family. I'm like, hey, Jake, I know this is weird. But I know people – I know everyone's asking you for Tim Tams, but – I know. for Tim Tams, but... I know. If you could... If I bought the suitcase

at the department store in New Zealand and had it shipped to you, to your wife's parents' house, like, would you bring it? And I would pay you for it, blah, blah, blah, and everything. And he brought it. And I just...

It's like a carry-on. And it's literally like a red brick, and the wheels say Lego, and the thing says Lego. It's like a 2x4 piece and I use that on trips that I want to show off. Is it

like a good functional suitcase or is it more for the style? No, it's a hard case. That sounds great by the way. Yeah, but you know what I mean? It's like sometimes, look Is this just some fashion bullshit? I would say that this suitcase is like Max Fun level. Like if I was doing something with Max Fun, I'd show up with the Lego.

Anything where you want to be crowned queen of the dorks. Is what you're telling us. Any queen of the dorks. How many inhalers could you fit in there? They say. You know, it's so funny. Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine, Canadian comic,

and I was telling him about some of the guys I've dated because we're joking about podcast ideas and stuff. And I told him some, and he was like, oh my God, you date just nerds. And I'm like, well, I never. Like, you date just nerds. And I'm like, well, I never thought about it that way. Of course.

What are you going to do? Chrisella, I don't mean to be rude here, but what are you going to date? Jocks? No, not at all. We know you. I know. I know you. Yes.

Are you a Lego enthusiast to the point where you've gone to Legoland? Oh, yes. You have Lego shoes, don't you? Yes, I have Are you a Lego enthusiast to the point where you've gone to Legoland? Oh, yes. You have Lego shoes, don't you? Yes, I have Lego. Wow. I have Lego shoes. I go to Legoland. You can't go in without a kid.

So when my friend- You have a Lego kid. You've built it. Oh, my God. I wish. My friend has two girls. So when they wanted to go, I would tag along with them. Because the Legoland has the best Lego store, obviously, in it.

You really can't go in without a kid? Mm-mm. And they close at, like, 4 o'clock. That's a trip. Legoland's kind of nice. I kind of like Legoland. And they got that cool water park and the Lego hotel that I stayed in. Oh.

And you stay at the Lego hotel, they give you a little scavenger hunt thing to do where you look for certain things around your room and then if you find it you can open a little safe that has a little Lego kit

that you can build but let me ask you this Cristela yes that's for six year olds the little hunt whoa no

is it no no no no nowhere does it say that there's an age limit it doesn't say

one of the one of the one of the Legos that you need to complete the hunt is at the bottom of a bottle of tequila. So you have to finish it. You actually have to cut through someone's heart and pull it out. You're like, there's a secret. It's a temple of doom level. Yeah, you have to drink a bottle of tequila to get one. The other one you have to murder someone and then show them their heart before they die.

But you get the cutest panda at the end. Just adorable. Sure. And you get to please the great Kali Ma, of course. Absolutely. He doesn't love to please the great Kali Ma. Eternal happiness. Griselle, a couple months a year, I don't know if you know this, there's a secret menu at McDonald's.

If you ask for the secret menu, they give you a meal in a special kind of cardboard box. And if you eat four McNuggets, you get a special Lego. What? And you can choose apple slices or french fries. Whoa. What?

Milk and chocolate milk are available. How do you know this? I know about this. I know about shit like, I know about secret. Jordan, tell them to crystal. I know about secret menus. Oh my God. I wasn't going to talk about the secret menu. Okay, but I know about secret menus.

Not a secret anymore. Okay, well, sorry. Not a secret anymore. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. I didn't know that. After, since being off the road for two years, how do you feel now being on it?

You're like, oh my God, I love this. Or is it like weird? I can't do it like I used to. I'm older. I like to rest. Sure. You know what I mean? I feel that way about binge drinking.

Yeah, me too. The happiness doesn't last as long. I think that, you know, I used to be able to do all these dates and stuff. And now, you know, I'm putting together the 2024 dates. And ambitious for me is working two weekends a month. Okay. Whereas perhaps earlier I would have done every weekend. Where do you like to go? Where is a, where is a, not to leave aside the question of whether it's a nice club.

Yeah. Or whether the chicken fingers are good or these, these, these are important questions. Yes. Yes. But if you're going to do Thursday through Saturday night or whatever, where do you want to be?

Chicago. Chicago, Illinois. Chicago. No, Texas. Chicago. Yes. Yeah. You, you had that answer really Illinois. Chicago. No, Texas. Chicago, yes. Yeah, you had that answer really quick.

Is it because it's like a big comedy town? No, it's just because it's like, well, you know, you got to catch it on the right time of year. That's a thing. Chicago is a town where you will, there's no, in fact, I would argue no town more like this I've ever visited in the world. Yeah. And I, look, know about secret menus and world travel. Look, you are a gentleman. It's obvious.

But, like, I don't think there is any other place in the world that will more aggressively trick you about whether you should live there than Chicago. Because you'll be in Chicago. You'll be walking down the street. You'll be like, fuck, Chicago fucking rules. Look at these gorgeous buildings. Oh, I'm going to eat a new beef thing. They filmed a Batman movie here. Everybody tells you.

It is true. Did you know Barack Obama lived there? Who? But no, you'll be like walking around Chicago, you'll be like, this is fucking as great as any other place in the entire United States and it costs 35% less.

Yes. This is a dream. Yes. And then you're like, oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. No, it's just late April. Yes. It's late. I caught it in the three weeks. Chicago is one of my favorite cities, but it is like a timeshare.

Right. You know, it's like you catch it at the wrong time. You invest in it, and then you realize you can't use it 75% of the time. Because I went there. I had a show at the Second City once, and it was in February. And I was so pumped to have a show at the Second City. You know, like, what a dream. Yes.

Thank you to Tom and Jenna for inviting me. Jenna used to work there. She would have put together a whole thing. It was really great. I was really honored. But, like, every time I stepped outdoors. Yes. All I stepped outdoors. Yes. All I could think.

It was like a place you would live to do scientific research. Yes. Like vital scientific research. And you can only get there on a boat. Like an accessible Antarctica. Yeah. It was a misery beyond words to be outdoors absolutely and i think that that's one thing i learned from touring for so long is that

you realize uh when you get an offer for a city you always look at the month that it's in and really think about the weather because i got stuck in chicago around february one year and I'm like oh this was rookie mistake I went to Madison Wisconsin I want to say like February March and when I got there it was like eight degrees and it was just awful but I loved but I loved the club you know what I mean it's like Madison Wisconsin's a fucking cool ass town it is like awesome like exactly you know what I mean? And Madison, Wisconsin is a fucking cool-ass town. It is. Like, awesome. Like, exactly. You know, when I was doing college gigs, Wisconsin is the city, the state I played the most. I love Wisconsin.

And that's why I said yes to the club so quickly because I'm like, Madison. And, yeah, you're just like, man, right city, wrong time. You know what I mean? It's heartbreaking. Where are your I mean? It's heartbreaking. Where are your false spots? Oh, ooh. So my false spots are like Austin. The Dead & Company concert.

I know. I was telling him I fell on my face. Oh, no. Yeah, look at this scar I have right here. I do see a little owie. I fell on my face at the Dead & Company, the last concert. Oh, no. Yeah, look at this scar I have right here. I do see a little owie. I fell on my face at the Dead & Company, the last concert. Oh, my gosh. The last Dead & Company concert in San Francisco.

Were you partying in the parking lot? Say it, Jordan. Say it out loud. When you tripped, Cristela. When you tripped, when you tripped, were you also tripping? When you tripped, were,

when you tripped, were you, were, were, were, Guys, I found a Sharpie. Whoa!

Get in here! What did I miss? Matt, leave. Matt, leave. Matt, leave. Okay, I do, okay, so, are you okay? What did I miss? Matt Lieb. Matt Lieb. Matt Lieb.

Okay. I do. Okay. So, are you okay? I'm fine. Was it because of anything? My lip is numb. Uh-huh.

And my cheek is numb. But I actually, I fell at the Dead & Company concert in San Francisco, and then I fell two weeks later on the same spot, on my head, in bed head, my face, after the Manchester United soccer game in Houston. And so now it's like I can't feel my lip a lot and I can't feel my cheek. I mean, I think you probably should have anticipated that if you sat in the wrong section at the Dead & Company concert, you would have to deal with dead hooligans. An Arsenal supporter. I got jumped into the, yeah. A string cheese incident supporter.

Fish rules, motherfucker. You know, places I like to go in the fall, northeast. A New York, a Boston. You know, like, because that is classic East Coast, like, kind of vibe. Autumn in New York. Yeah, you know, they should make a movie called that. Someone should write a song. There is an advantage to the cold misery of the northern Midwest, which is, you know, my dad,

my dad had a period of drug-induced psychosis for which he was jailed. And I asked him, well, how did you get clean? And what happened is he flew home from Hawaii where he had had the drug-induced psychosis. And his best buddy from high school got him a job in Minneapolis. a job in Minneapolis. And my dad said, so I went to Minneapolis and I started the job and it was too cold

to find a drug dealer so I got sober. Wow. Beautiful. You know, whatever works. Do we remember any of these? Now that we have

this permanent marker, the Sharpie, do we remember any of these slogans? I feel like we were coming up with the good ones. What was yours, Grisela? It's like, let's get wet, y'all. It's wet up in here. It's wet up in here.

It's wet up in here. I'm doing, it's wet up in here. Yeah, it's wet up in here. Jesse, do you remember any of yours? I think mine was at the bottom. It said, congratulations, switch to lemonade. I'll just do congrats. Okay.

Fair enough. I mean, it sort of loses the spirit of- Yeah, look, it's jazz fusion. We're just improv-ing here. We're playing. Boop, boop, bop, bop, boop, bop, boop. Skit, skit, skat, skat. Did we have any more?

This is good. I feel like we've almost filled up the whole cup. Which ones do you need? I think it's wet up in here is great. Congrats. Switch to lemonade. I think we just need one for like when things get dark and I don't know if I can push through. Like hump day time of the day?

Hump day time, yeah. What about this bit is vodka? That's actually really funny. Yeah, that's good. Oh, my God. Never speak again. Matt, that's really good. Thank you.

Yeah, so we have Rise and Shine, This Bit is Vodka, It's Wet Up in Here, and Congrats. I like that. At the top, can you put Chug-a-Lug? Yeah. Oh, Chug-a-Lug is always good. It's always fun. Chug-a-Lug is so classic. Vintage. I love it. Some things don't go out of fashion. Amazing. Well,ug? Yeah. Oh, Chuggalug is always good. It's always fun. Chuggalug is so classic. Vintage.

I love it. Some things don't go out of fashion. Amazing. Well, great. Yeah, I feel like we should sell these at the Jordan, Jesse, Go Etsy store, which we need. Do they have cups in London? Maybe we could bring some and sell them there. Oh, yeah.

They probably don't have cups, right? It's a cup-free nation. They're just drinking out of their hands. I know they just use spoons and knives. They don't have cups, right? It's a cup-free nation. They're just drinking out of their hands. I know they just use spoons and knives. They don't have forks yet. They don't. They haven't gotten the fork yet. When are you guys going to London?

Maybe like three weeks before the show airs. That's a good point. We're going next week. As of this recording, we're going next week to the London Podcast Festival. And we're expecting to slash did have a great time. We love to go. Our trip to London always is in late summer. We always shoot for late summer to go to London.

And then, I mean, I love to have, when I'm in London, I love to have tea with the queen. The queen of England. Ah, can't do it anymore. So yeah, we had a great time in London. No, I still, I do what it takes. You bring a shovel. I got a portable kettle. You bring a sexy magazine to distract the guards.

Why does that seem like such an 80s scene? And the guards are like cartoonishly turned on. These birds are right fit, they are. And then you dig up the queen's body, you have tea with her, you replace the body. I'm so glad you did an accent because I was going to do one and it wasn't a British one. And you just reminded me that we're in London for this one. These women will be our new mistresses you know that look we've talked about this uh in the past i kind of have a podcast yes and

you know this is a sketch comedy podcast that you make an episode of oh actually it's just me talking oh it's just you talking it's called to be continued because and i picked it because you never know when the next episode's gonna happen but it's that thing where i have to say podcasters they just like you amaze me with like the discipline and like the because it is hard like i i see comics that do it. A lot of comics have podcasts. But there's always a difference between the podcast that is not planned out at all. They don't even know what's going on. And you hear two, three people just saying, so what'd you do last night? And it's kind of like.

Guys, I got to go. I don't think I can listen to any more of this. No, no, no. Look, I'm reading off the script like you gave me. But it's like... And you're doing great, by the way. Thank you for not ad-libbing. That's why I said,

when are you guys going to London? You know what? Let's change the subject. Jordan, what did you do last night? I drank water and it was out of a cup. I just think it's so impressive to do it. And it's just, for me, for me, like, I want to do it more often. I would love to do it more often.

So if you could try to convince me or give me a bit of nuggets, like wisdom or something about podcasts. Like, how do you do it every week hey guys i want to do it more often by mary my wife won't let me podcast that old that old hack joke oh my god that's classic that is a classic face uh i mean i think so when we started doing this show, we did it occasionally and like whenever we felt like it slash whenever we could. Right. And I don't know. I mean, I think I don't remember like having a specific conversation where it was like we need to take this seriously and do it every week.

But, yeah, I don't know. I think it, you know. I think it, it, it, you, you know, I think we, we saw it, you know, you saw like people getting into it more and people appreciating it more and people kind of responding to the running jokes. So I think that like, if, if you did,

if you did, you know, listen, you drink the glass of water every day, right? No, I do. Just record the podcast after you drink the glass of water,

you know, record the podcast while you're drinking. That's my thing, record the podcast while you're drinking the glass of water. That's my thing. That's my thing. And that will get you on Carson. Right. And then your racist little friend Peanut can say some things and you'll be like, Oh, I love this.

Peanut. Oh, my God. I love it. Listen, you're one of the funniest people they are. People love you. And I think that if you did start to record it every week, you would see an appreciative audience grow very quickly. That's interesting. I say you rope one of these Castro brothers into it.

Oh, yeah. Oh, I could totally get Joaquin. I'm saying it right now. Honestly, what's Joaquin doing? What's Joaquin doing that's so important? Listen, let's all go check on Joaquin and then come back

for a little bit more. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. It's Jordan and Jessica. Love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, love you, to say is thank you yeah thank you to all the good folks who have gone to maximumfund.org join and kicked in a couple of bucks to keep this show going and all the other great shows at maximumfund.org a listener supported co-op if you want to head over there and kick in a couple of bucks, you'll get some great bonus

content and a super good feeling knowing that you're keeping the lights on here at Jordan Jesse Go. I also want to say thank you this week to a good person who has gone to maximumfun.org slash jumbotron and thrown down a couple of bucks to share a special message with our listenership. That person is David Raylianu, and their message is this. Red Ink Community Library is a leftist organizing space and cultural center in Providence, Rhode Island. We educate and empower an energized working class by sharing books and creating a space that is open to anyone trying to build a better world. For two years, Red Ink has been subject to attacks from fascist groups. It is only through the support of our community that we are able to make repairs and continue to put on the hundreds of meetings, readings, movies, and concerts we host each year.

Join our community today at redinkri.org slash join. Yeah, that's a message people uh you can share anything you want you can uh talk about a cool organization like that person just did you can wish a happy birthday to a cherished friend you could propose marriage you can just let all your dumb buddies hear us say an inside joke you have. We don't care. Maximumfun.org slash jumbotron. Hey, if you're looking for a fun live event, Jesse and John Hodgman are on the road with the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

If you want to find out more, maximumfun.org slash events. And hey, if you're in the San Francisco Bay Area, our beloved producer Matt Lieb will be doing the Punchline Comedy Club on October 17th. Go over there to PunchlineComedyClub.com to get tickets. And hey, I'm drumming up pre-orders for a new graphic novel. It is called Youth Group. It is written by me. It is illustrated by the brilliant Bowen McGurdy. It comes out next year, but you can pre-order it today. It is a spooky YA horror comedy about a bunch of goofy teenage exorcists. I am really excited for folks to check out this book, and I love that people are pre-ordering it. Yeah, anywhere you get a book, you can pre-order this thing, and I am shouting out some cool indie bookstores that people are telling me they have pre-ordered at.

Today's cool indie bookstore is Moon Palace Books in Minneapolis, Minnesota, moonpalacebooks.com. moonpalacebooks.com. Check them out. They have a bunch of cool stuff. And you can pre-order Youth Group there, moonpalacebooks.com. All right. I think that's all the stuff. Back to the show.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, his son or something where it's a romance novel about heroin or are you imagining yourself to be the protagonist of it i'm imagining myself to be a protagonist who imagines that they're doing heroin i don't know it sounds great it's really bad for you but do you know you can definitely die real easy and you shouldn't my friend died but i'm saying i i think um i do not i have not done drugs to the point where i know what any of them do except weed i mean i think heroin's thing is that it makes you insanely high like really high and it's really great but i'm gonna tell you this the reason i say obviously i'm like i it. As I said, my friend died. It's horrible. But I'm just saying, like, so is being a pirate.

And there's a ton of pirate romance novels, right? Like, pirating is all just murders and getting your hand cut off and making friends with parrots. Do you like a paperback romance novel? No, I've never read it, actually. It's the first thing that came to my mind right now. I have no idea. You thought of it because you happened to notice that your bodice was ripped. Yes, absolutely. But, you know, it's a Tuesday.

It's what I do. Sure. What would be? I'm sorry. I'm distracting everyone with my pecs. I'll cover up. I'm distracting everyone with my pecs. Cristolo, let's say we sent you to, you know, there's whole bookstores for romance novels.

What? They're full of, and the romance community is full of like specific subgenres. Sort of like sci-fi or speculative fiction. Like there's so many different particular, like whatever your flavor is, there's a type of romance novel for that and there's a group of them and there's a certain authors that write that kind of thing

and so on and so forth. Yeah. I don't, I'm not asking you to know what the existing ones are. Sure. But if you were at that romance bookstore and you went up to the counter and you said to that counter person, can you point me towards the section?

What section are you looking for in the romance novel? Oh, tomboys. Oh, tomboys. I want to know how they did it. I'm a tomboy. I don't know. Like, I don't know. How do you get romance as a tomboy?

Okay. So you want a section. Like a self-help book. You want a section where people find love while climbing trees and wearing overalls. Collecting Pokemon. Wearing those baseball shirts where the front is white

but the sleeves are a primary color. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Classic tomboy. Which I do have a bunch of those, you know. Great look. Great look.

You know, I mean, I don't think... I think that the tomboy demo has been overlooked quite a bit. A lot of romance novels. And I'm generalizing here, so please correct me. The biggest rom-com writer might be a tomboy.

I don't know. You have written a romance movie, though, right? Yeah, and I hated it. Starring Mario Lopez? I couldn't. It was so hard to write about love. It's just like, what do people write about with love? What do people like about other people?

Yeah, I mean, really, it was. There was a point where I was writing it, and I'm like, I feel like this is the time where we walk with hot chocolate. Should they be walking with hot chocolate? It just kind of feels right. Do they have, like, like romance novel cons? They do? You said?

Oh, absolutely. I'm sure. I'm sure. Yeah? Like Fabio like wouldn't get a booth? Oh, Fabio would 100% get it. Is Fabio alive or dead? He's alive.

He's alive? Killed by a goose. Didn't survive. Didn't survive. Yeah, that photo you see of him on the roller coaster, he died shortly after of goose-related injuries. Jordan, I don't mean to correct you, but he did not die in that goose accident. He was hunted down and killed by the goose he killed's brother. Right, sure.

The brother of the goose that he killed on the roller coaster. So it's like the movie Taken, but Liam Neeson is the goose. Yes. It's like the goose going to get revenge. Instead of, you know, give me back my daughter, it's... But in goose language, that means you killed my brother by running into him while riding a roller coaster. He's got a weird American honk. Just let him honk in Irish.

Why is he over-pronouncing those R's in his honk? R. Honk. Honk. I will honk you. I'm a goose from Brooklyn. Sure, I have a special set of honks. Again, I was going to do an accent

that was not that either. All of my geese are Latino and so are my security guards in London. Listen, there's never been an accurate accent on this show. We're not starting now. They're all offensive to everyone. All humans should be offended by all of our accents. This, I think, is, if I may, it would be sort of like, Ach, I'm van of those Latino gooses.

Right? Oh, I think you nailed it. Thank you. Oh, my God. I think you're like, you sound like a distant Tio. Yes, yes, yes. Emotionally distant. No, yeah. Ach, yes, yes. Emotionally distant. No, yeah.

It's me. People assume I'm Mexican, but I'm from Guatemala. Would be the kind of thing he would say. It's Guatemala. I like that in the hypothetical, Latinos are still not understood. They're a mystery. Who are they? They're seen as a coherent voting bloc. And in fact,

they have many different identities and sets of values across an entire hemisphere. It's almost like they're people. I think a tomboy thing would be kind of funny. Right. Like a fun though.

You could say like, time to turn this tomboy into a tomboy. A tomboy man. And then... A tomboy man. Half sex. That's Tom. Tom Mann. And then... A Tom Mann! Half-sex. A Tom.

Do something. Oh my God! We need to shoot that! Quick! Someone! Into a Tom Mann. That's why I liked a lot of, you know, I mean, they're very, like, they're so ridiculous when you see them, but, you know, like the old 80s, 90s makeover movies where the tomboy was very good looking but wore glasses.

Gotta get those glasses off. Gotta get that hair out of that bun. And guess what I'm wearing right now? Glasses. You know what I mean? You're wearing classic nerd glasses, too. You're wearing science teacher glasses. Yeah, yeah. They're wearing, like, science teacher glasses. Yeah, yeah.

They're adorable on you. To be clear, you are wearing a classic wire-rimmed. Yes. Yeah. Yes. If I was cast in something, you know what? I'm kind of shy. But if you get to know me, I have a good personality.

And one of these days, I just hope that the captain of the football team asks me to take off my glasses. So he can see the real me. Or the captain of the football team says, oh, can I see that research you're working on? Oh, sure. I didn't know you were interested in it. I love research. I love it. I love research. I love it. I love research.

Oh, yeah. Jordan, if I don't, it would be like, oh, yes, I love research. Yes, a classic Latin lover. Oh, I thought the goose was into research now. Yeah. Listen, don't try and make sense of any of this. You will go insane. It's a bit of vodka.

This bit's vodka. This bit's vodka. Okay. Matt, get another Sharpie. I have this one. It's fine. So we have a telephone call. Let's do it.

We're banking these records. So this episode will air well into the fall, but we wanted to close out our summer boy season, our most beloved season. We have a final summer boy call. Thank you to everyone who called in with their summertime activities. Let's hear about that fall shit from here on out. If you're doing that good fall shit 206-984-4FUN but for now

Summer Boy's being replaced by Cozy Sluts how do you react to that audience? do you find it empowering and funny? or upsetting? let us know we'll put up a Twitter poll 206-984-4FUN. This person called with our final Summer Boy Call of the Year. Cider nasties?

Hi, Jordan, Jesse Go. This is Steve in San Diego with the Summer Boy Moment. My Summer Boy Moment was I took my nieces and my nephew, and we all went to the water park. It's probably been at least 20 years since I've been to a water park of any kind. I was a little bit hesitant because they can seem a little bit janky, and it kind of was a little janky. But on the other hand, going down a water slide, it fucking rules. And it was a lot of fun, and it made me feel like a real summer boy.

So if you're looking for that summer boy feeling, I can only recommend that you find a water slide and you throw yourself down it. Okay. Love the show. I missed the part where his trunks fell down. Yeah. Isn't it? When you get up out of the water, then your trunks fall down and everyone laughs and you're like, well, it's summer.

And then the captain of the football team's there. Oh, man. That's not research. Water. I'm the captain of the football team. there. Oh man, that's not research. What? I'm the captain of the football team. Classic jock. I guess I went to a water park maybe like six years ago,

seven years ago. Where is there a water park in Los Angeles? San Dimas. San Dimas. I don't know a ton about San Dimas. Yeah. I know their high school football rules. Their high school football rules. And I think that water park they go to in Bill and Ted, it's called Waterloo

because it's funny because they take Napoleon there. But I think it is actually Raging Waters in San Dimas. Oh, Raging Waters. It's Raging Waters. Oh, that's good. And I think at Six Flags up there in Valencia, you got a hurricane harbor, which I have never been to. Yes. I'll say this.

At the Columbia Park Boys Club, you could sometimes wheedle your way into a trip to Marine World Africa USA. Okay. You could occasionally wheedle your way into a trip to Great America. But what you really wanted was to get in on that Raging Waters trip. Sure. Longer drive. Definitely a longer drive up past Vallejo somewhere. I can't even remember where it was.

But if you got into Raging Waters, that was the dream. Sorry, free tickets to an advanced screening of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. The number one free thing you get for being a poor child at the Columbia Park Boys and Girls Club was a ride up to Raging Waters. You didn't get those personal pan pizzas for reading? Oh, well, you know I got. Crisella, how many fucking pairs of last row upper deck Giants tickets do you think I earned fucking reading? I turn in my thing and they look at me like I was fucking with them. I'm like, no, this is what I do.

I think you look like the kind of person that still has a couple pizzas left to redeem. These are from 1992. I still want my little pizza. Did I do that? Yeah. Wait, why is Circle redeeming the pizzas? I don't know. I was just thinking 1992.

Oh, yeah, sure. That's the last catchphrase I learned. I was trying to think of catchphrases, and I couldn't think of any. That's an all-timer, though. If you talk about catchphrases, is there anything better from our generation than did I do that? Did I do that was pretty, well. I know you are, but what am I? Okay, yep, you're right.

That's a great one. Infinity. The Tim Allen grunts, are they a catchphrase? The grunts are a catchphrase. They are? Are they? Because they're sounds, but you knew. It's a catch grunt.

They're a signature sound. I demur. Oh, oh, oh. I didn't even know signature sounds were like a genre, because you're right if that's that. It's like Jimi Hendrix's guitar tone. sound did i do that yeah dj premiere scratching vocal samples into the hook yeah signature sound uh chris so i would guess that texas would be a big water park zone yes was it yes uh i can't remember oh i never went to a water park in texas we couldn't

afford it but i know you did have a garden hose from your neighbor's yes yes yes yes we did god's water park delicious water by the way delicious water but south padre island was about 45 minutes from where i grew up and they they have a badass water park there used to be a water slide in the like in the town next to where i grew up and there was a pool i remember this there was a pool with two big fish mascots and it was a swimming school and it was considered like the place to go because and that's when you knew summer was coming because they've been using the same commercial for, like, 40 years. And it's just Gus and Goldie, like, big fish telling you to come and learn to swim and stuff.

So I guess that's kind of, like, what we had in our little area. Gus and Goldie. Yeah. They sound great. Am I right? We would switch to the indoor pool. We would switch to the indoor pool. A quarter of the way through summer with the outdoor pool would get closed because of the stabbings, and we'd switch to the indoor pool.

Indoor pool, chill as shit. No trouble going down in the indoor pool. Why? It's over there in Balboa Park. It's like three-part stations away. It's an easy ride. Just go right down there. Got big, tall ceilings, giant pool.

You're living the dream. Can I ask, and I really don't have a clue, but like, why are Vegas pools always so packed? That's a great question. What is the point of the Vegas pool if you're just standing? Sure. You're soaking. I think it's just being drunk outside in a pool. Is that what it is? there's like an appeal

and I this is not something that I love doing so I'm I'm with you in trying to like we know we know

that's not your thing we know Chrisella's thing is being drunk in the bathroom at the Dead & Company concert like God intended right is this the one

that John Mayer plays for? oh yes okay I'm a I'm a fan of John Mayer plays for? Yes. Okay. I'm a fan of John Mayer. Yeah. If you, the home listener, could enjoy the look on Christella's face as she says the words John Mayer. I mean.

Just the dreamy. We brought up a number of hunks on this show so far and and none of them have made near the impact that John Harrow did. He went to the Berklee College of Music. Oh, I know. Well, I became a fan of his way late. Yeah. Okay. So I became a fan of his drink of it. Wow.

That is late. That is late. I had to go back. That's when I got into Shakira. Sure. So I had to go back and listen to his catalog. And I'm like, this beautiful man with this gift. What is this guitar? You know. Yeah.

Here's something I think about the Vegas pools. His body of work is a wonderland. Yes. Exactly. What a body. You know, I think Vegas is a place where all of America comes. Yes. And I think that just there are just parts of the world where you can't be in a pool that much. Just because of temperatures.

Sure, sure, sure. Maybe there's not a lot of pools. Like there's, you know, sunny Southern California. Yeah. We're dipping all year round yeah we can i mean look aquafina's family sure family streams rivers everything the reality is this if you live in madison sure you live in nashville you can't just go to elliot caitlin's house in eagle you can't yeah uh yeah so I think that just, like, because everybody is in Vegas,

there are just so many people who are like, a pool, and I can get drunk in it, and Tietzo is maybe playing? Yeah, to me, this is why I would go in a pool. I'm, like, obviously, I'm not that much of a Vegas dude. But, like, if I was in Las Vegas, the reason I would go into a pool is because it's very hot outside. Yeah. So, to me, given the choice between being inside of a nightmare place. Yes.

Which is a casino. Yes. Or in a pool. Yes. Well, I'm in a pool all day long. I think that my favorite way of spending fun times in water, lazy river. Yeah. Hard to beat.

Or just floating on a river or something. That's nice. That's great. I love it. Like some rafting. So you don't discriminate. It can be lazy or it could be highly productive. As long as we get results, I don't care about your pace.

Right. Sure. Did this river start taking Adderall? Making a lot of lists. I will say the hotel that I stay at in Vegas when I go for my semi-yearly trip to the Punk Rock Bowling Music Festival is the Gold Nugget. And their pool has a slide that goes through a fish tank. So while you're going down the slide

it'll be like, ah fish! You see it really fast. That is so cool! It's great. It's really great. It's the most fun Vegas pool thing I've ever done. Again, it's like, look everybody, I'm not judging. I know all of the listeners, you all go to Vegas for the pools pools i know this demo

yeah but it's like this thing but if it is so weird to me that you know you go to i see pool so packed and yes it's hot but when you can just be when only the bottom half of you can be kind of wet of you can still people still get hot that's what i'm saying you know it's like to me it's like look the math ain't mathin', right? I'm going to write that on my cup. I don't know why, but I'm just going to put the math ain't mathin' on here. Do you guys want to give me a

minute to just doodle on my cup and then come back for a little bit more? Yeah. Let's take a quick break. I actually, I'm staying at the Golden Nugget and I want to spend some time with the Golden Nugget that they have at the Golden Nugget, which is a real thing. Is it? I've never seen it.

There's a giant fucking Golden Nugget. I've stayed there ten times. That's why it's called the Golden Nugget. They have a giant Golden Nugget. Where's the Nugget? In like the fucking lobby. Where the beef is. I've never seen this Nugget. I've stayed there one time. And I was like, look, no wonder they call it the Golden Nugget. There's a giant fucking real Golden Nugget. I've stayed there one time. And I was like, look, no wonder they call it the gold nugget.

There's a giant fucking real gold nugget. I'm not calling you a fucking liar. Okay, well, why are you calling me a liar then? No, I'm just amazed that I've never seen this nugget. But you stay there so many times. I know. You never wondered what the gold nugget of is? Welcome back, Mr. Morris, they say.

Did you see that they have Antiques Roadshow-themed slot machines? No, but I'm not surprised. Okay. They also have those. And when I was there, there was a lady bodybuilder competition. Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan and Jessica. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm, la. I'm Dan McCoy.

I'm Stuart Wellington. I'm Elliot Kalin. And together we are The Flophouse, a long-running podcast on the Maximum Fun Network, where we watch a bad movie and then talk about it. And because we're so long-running, maybe you haven't given us a chance. I get it. But you don't actually have to know anything about previous episodes to enjoy us, and I promise you that if you find our voices irritating we grow endearing over time perhaps you listened to one of our old

episodes and decided that we were dumb and immature well we've been doing this a while now we have become smarter and more mature and generally nicer to dan but we are only human so no promises find the flop house on maximumFun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Co-Optober continues in celebration of National Co-Op Month. I'm Palmira Muniz, producer and a worker-owner at MaxFun. I'm Jesus Ambrosio, producer, and I'm also a worker-owner at MaxFun. This week is all about community. Of course, we couldn't be a co-op without the MaxFun community,

and we love it whenever members of our audience get together. So we're having another MaxFun meetup this Thursday, October 12th. And next week, we'll be hosting a panel discussion with other worker owners across the co-op community. And we are still selling our limited edition Launch Crew merch available to all MaxFun members. But only through the end of the month. For more info on Meetup Day and everything Co-Optober, head to MaximumFun.org slash Co-Optober.

That's C-O-O-P-T-O-B-E-R. Have a great week. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morse, boy detective. Christella Alonso, professional Googler. What's your, okay.

What's your surprise? Because we've, Chicago, New York in the autumn. These are obvious choices. What's the place? What's the Columbus? Are you calling me a basic bitch? No, I'm saying. Jesse! What's the Flagstaff? What's the place? What's the Columbus? Are you calling me a basic bitch? No, I'm saying- Jessie! Oh my God.

What's the Flagstaff? What's the Columbus? Just because she's pounded two PSLs since she's been here. What's the- Jessie. What's the Spokane? What's the Butte? What's the city that we might not know about that you always have a great time playing?

Playing. I don't care how you do on stage. But, look, I don't care. Look, you can eat shit on stage for all I care, Crystal. I love people like you. Just let me eat shit. What I'm saying is what's the place where you're glad to be spending a weekend there that we might not know you would be glad to be spending a weekend?

Oh, shit. That's a hard question. I mean, is it weird to say D.C.? No. We've all seen the billboards. D.C., cool. D.C. talk. We're talking about our favorite Christian rock bands.

I did see, I remember, maybe we've asked you about this on the show before. God forbid we repeat ourselves on this show. I did when, I remember, maybe we've asked you about this on the show before. God forbid we repeat ourselves on this show. I did, when I was- Have I ever mentioned, by the way, Jordan, that they would cut down the pool in my neighborhood and then we would switch to the- They did? We've heard. Yeah.

Yeah, there you go. Frequent story. I haven't heard it said from the beginning. No, Matt! We'll be here all night. You, when I was in Bakersfield, I stopped by Buck Owens' Crystal Palace. Oh, yes. And saw that you were going to be there the next weekend.

What is it like playing a famous country music venue? Actually, I love that venue. That's a great venue. I bet. It fucking ruled when I was there. I was just there to, like, eat a burger and watch the house band. It was awesome. You know, and this is going to make me sound so weird.

One of the venues I love is in Atlanta. It's outside of Atlanta. It's called Eddie's Attic. And it's a live music venue. And I don't want to brag, but there is a guy that went to the Berklee School of Music that used to work there. Who could she be talking about? And I don't want to name names. But, like, I got booked there.

It's one of these white people from a YouTube funk band. Wow. But I booked there because I was doing the book tour years ago, and I was only doing independent venues and working with independent bookstores and I wanted to do something different and the vibe in that area I love music and when you just when you see the like the neighborhood like the venue everything you see how much it loves music that you can't like you just freak out at the fact that other people love music as much as you do. And also it's outside of Atlanta.

And it was a really cool little area that was just like a lovely little suburb to go through and visit and stuff. And I thought I would play there again instantly. You know, and I actually I asked my agent to book me there next year because I loved it so much. And that was actually surprising because they don't do stand up there. They don't do comedy. They just kind of decided to let me do the show just because I had asked and stuff. And what I love about the room is that part of the room is a stadium seating. But not all of it. It's got tables and a random stadium seating, and you can sit.

It's just a cool—I like quirky. I like different when it works. And to me, that area—and I caught it at the right time. I want to say it was fall-ish, late fall. It's starting to get cold, but it's still nice. It was really nice. You know? And it was just, it was really nice. Do you bring an Alonso crowd to one of those shows?

I mean, is there a Cristela, does a Cristela gang show up? Or are you playing clubs where you're playing to normal people who just happen to be there? No, I've been very lucky to get, they have, it's a Cristela club. People wearing all Lego clothes. Oh my, yes, yes. I actually, you know, it's a cristella club yeah oh people wearing all lego clothes oh my god yes yes i actually you know it's taken me a while i just started i just decided to start selling merch and like it's taken me years my brothers have been begging me to sell merch and i'm like who am i who wants to buy my shirts and my brothers and I go to concerts all the time like we went to it was Culture Club Berlin and Howard Jones in Austin and like every

time we go to a concert I have to buy all their merch like I'm the person I buy merch from love a love a love a love a concert love love the tour shirts like tell me where you've been this year sure like you know what I mean and A poster with the date on it? Yes. You saw the show? Absolutely. I mean, there's proof. I had to leave the Erykah Badu concert

just as the, like right at the very end because of babysitter issues. Yeah. And I was just, it took all the power that I could muster not to make my wife stop at the merch booth as we missed the end of the concert to get home because of a babysitter emergency. Yes.

But, you know, it is that thing where my brothers actually, they convinced me to try it. So I'm going to start trying it in San Antonio. And it's weird because my brothers's one one's a teacher one is a retired teacher and they said uh we'll go and sell the shirts for you after this the show you know and it's like that thing where you gotta you gotta merch you got a merch crew yeah i got a merch crew and it's but it's that thing where i still have trouble understanding that people will go see me you know what I mean because it's a weird thing

when you start doing anything I liked stand up I loved watching it I didn't know you could do it and then I started doing it and you're doing it like I was doing it because of the fun I was having doing it

I never thought of the results of it you didn't know that one day you'd be able to go to as many water parks as you want. Well, now I gotta do a tour. Can I give you a word of warning, though? Yeah. I think your brothers are trying to steal the merch money. That's good. You know what I mean?

As long as they don't ask me for money. You know what I mean? Well, one of them is apparently retired. That's a concern I have. The retired one keeps making jokes that he's going to sell bootleg versions

of my merch in the parking lot so I'm even more concerned. Cristela, you're one of the funniest people, one of the funniest stand-up comics. Every time I've seen you

do stand-up comedy live, every time I've watched one of your specials, I've laughed my ass off. Yeah. And you know what I like about Cristela? Hmm? There's not a lot of comics out there. I've laughed my ass off. And you know what I like about Crustella? There's not a lot of comics out there

where I watch their special and laugh my ass off and I also feel like I could show it to a normal person and they would also like it. I got to see the taping of your most recent Netflix special. I loved it. I laughed my ass off and then when it's out I'm like

the special's out! I can watch the special that I've seen! People should definitely go see you. They should definitely buy this merch from your thieving brothers. Yes.

Please do it so that my brothers have money. Please. This guy retired. He's 43 years old. He's a retired school teacher.

The pieces do not fit together unless he steals the merch money. Do you have some fall and winter dates people can keep an eye out for? Yes. I'm actually doing, let's see, mid to late October, I'm doing Austin. November, I'm doing Sacramento and Ontario, California. Ontario is the Thanksgiving weekend. And I'll be doing Dallas, Texas first week of December.

And I will be posting all of my 2024 dates as soon as all the ticket links are confirmed. And the goal is to shoot another special at the end of 2024. Hell, yeah. Fuck, yeah. Cristela Alonso is a fucking runaway train of productivity and hilarity. So get out there on the tracks. She's like one of those Adderall lakes. I mean, you said runaway train.

I'm like, that was a depressing video back in the day. Runaway train never coming back. Oh, yes. Chris Ella, it's always a joy to see you. Thank you very much. Thank you for having me. I love hanging out with you guys. She's known as the last dance with Mary Jane of comedy.

Bomber of a video. Christella, losing my religion, Alonzo. Janie's got a gun, everyone. Matt Lieb is our producer on the program. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Our thanks to The Free Design. Our thanks to The Free Design. Our thanks to the label Light in the Attic Records. You can find us on our social medias,

at Jordan David Morris on Instagram. Oh, yeah. At put.this.on, in my case, and facebook.com slash jordanjessego. I haven't said this in a while. Check me out on Goodreads. Oh, while. Check me out on Goodreads. Oh, yeah. Check me out on Goodreads. That's a brag.

People are going to Blue Sky. People are going to Threads. I'm all in on Goodreads. I love that. Check me out on Goodreads. I'm going to organize a Goodreads bomb of you. That would really hurt. Do not do that. That would be really bad for me.

Please don't do that. Don't even joke about that. People might do it as a joke. Don't do it. No, don't do it. Don't bomb me. Put positive reviews. Positive bombs. Bath bombs. I'm not on Goodreads, but I will say this.

I will drop a plug. Check out Dan McCoy's Letterboxd. I don't have a Letterboxd. I don't know. What am I plugging here? I'm just going to plug Dan's Letterboxd. Sure. I don't know. He's really into it. Dan's great. I bet. Those guys have a lot of smart things to say

about movies. I don't think I've ever heard anyone plug somebody that wasn't around. That's very nice of you. I mean, I'm right in front of your face, but that's cool that heard anyone plug somebody that wasn't around. That's very nice of you. I mean, I'm right in front of your face, but that's cool that you plugged someone else that wasn't me. No, it's fine. It's weird. I can't in good conscience recommend Chrisella's social media. I think she just posts disgusting shit.

I know. It is foul. Edge lore. It is fucking sick shit. Yes. I look at it and I'm like Edge lore. It is fucking sick shit. I look at it and I'm like, oh, that's some sick shit. I do. I do. On the other hand, if you're kind of twisted,

like, if you dance to the beat of a different drummer and that drummer's a little bit nasty, why not check out Cristela on social media? That's what I have on my dating apps. What's your top...

Dance to the beat of a different drummer. Right, right. And you want to meet someone that's wrote a movie for Mario Lopez. Hey, man, I've got... Hey, you want a talking car? I've been a talking car, too. That's true.

Okay, watch out. You're going to get a lot Of talking car freaks I hate it These guys I'm here cause I like Knight Rider Jordan Jordan

Why are Why are all these guys Dragons Oh boy There's some subreddits We need to get into Yeah okay We'll talk to you next time

When Jordan and Jessica I'll hug you and kiss you and love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you. Love you.