Jordan, Jesse, GO! - The Clam Is The Fanciest Shell, with Matt Lieb

Episode Date: July 25, 2024

This week we bid former JJGo producer and comedian, Matt Lieb, farewell and chat with him about wearing shorts, play a boat-based game, discuss nu-metal band members, Jesse talks about his appearance in the Costco Connection magazine, and more! Ready to take action? Visit SolarSlice.com and buy a Slice on Kickstarter today. Together, we can build a cleaner, greener world, one Slice at a time. That's SolarSlice.com. Don't just offset your carbon footprint – build a brighter future!Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes!Jordan Morris is doing a book tour for Youth Group! See his panel at SD Comic Con on July 26 from 1pm-2pm. Then on August 2nd, See him in SF at Book Passage at 5:30pm. Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where!Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.

Give a little time for the child within you. Don't be afraid to be young and free. Undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. You know, Jordan, I say America's radio sweetheart. I'm actually an international podcasting sweetheart now.

Congratulations. Thank you very much. It's about time that our friends across the sea learned of your talents. I think regular listeners to this program will know that the highlight of my quarter, each fiscal quarter, is my visit to Costco, the bulk discount club membership store. I love to buy ribeye caps. Love to get some ribeye caps. I love to buy wine and liquor for my wife.

Samples? You like to get samples? Don't care about samples. Oh, interesting. Okay. I'll eat the samples, but not if there's people waiting in line to get them. I don't want to have to push brush past someone to get to the sample. You just want to be able to grab a sample on your way by, toss it in your mouth and not have to deal with, you know, Johnny Sample Guy who's going to give you the hard sell. Yeah, but I also, it's not that. I don't want to deal with Sally, Costco sample enthusiast.

Okay. That's like, you know, they're like trying to box you out. I don't think I go to Costco enough to have been experienced being boxed out by Sally sample enthusiast. Yeah. But she sounds like a real piece of work. Yeah. There's a lady there throwing bows down in the post.

Wow. Just for an eighth of a bagel dog. Yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh. But no, yeah, my, you know, we had a Costco membership as a kid and we went and I always had fun with the samples. So those are my like Costco based memories. Yeah, I think-

And they had, oh, before anybody, they had a Super Nintendo set up and you could play it before- Wow. Before any of my friends had it. I could play, I could, my parents parents would leave me at the Super Nintendo. Was this a Costco, a Price Club, or a Price Costco? Ooh, great question. It might have been Price Club.

Okay. Yeah, does that- Price Club- Does one of them have Super Nintendo and one of them not have Super Nintendo? I mean, I think there were more- I mean, my memory, there were- maybe this was just in Northern California, there were more Price Clubs, and then they merged and turned into Price Costco, and then eventually they dropped the price and just became Costco. One time my therapist said to me, Jesse, why do you think you like Costco so much? I only just mentioned it offhand. It's not like I'm always talking about Costco. And I think that she was worried

that I had been starved as a child or experienced some other trauma that required me to buy whole foods. To hoard. Yeah. And in fact, I mean, I never wanted for food as a child, thank goodness. But it truly was like my dad buying a two-year-old Honda Accord station wagon, joining Costco, and getting cable, all happened like in one fell swoop when my dad inherited like $25,000 from a dead aunt and also got his PTSD certified as a disability and got service-related disability payments.

So it's like all those things happened all at once and represented my family joining the middle class when I was about 13. It was very, very exciting. So I think I probably still associate that with Costco. My dad's just utter glee at how many ramen noodle packets he could buy. But anyway, I got an email the other day that said, hi, my name is so-and-so. I'm a freelance journalist. And I love any email that starts like that

Yeah, I'm I'm working on a story and I've hi. I'm so it's I'm a freelance journalist. Do you have any work for me? Yeah And it's a I've heard you may be a Costco member. Mm-hmm To which I replied you by by yes, of course. It was that the whole email Well, this she, of course. Wait, was that the whole email? Well, she signed her name and asked if that was the case. That's cryptic. I hear you may be a Costco member. So I said yes. It turns out this woman is a Canadian reporter for Costco Connection magazine.

She says, can I interview you? We're doing a cover feature about podcasting and let me be clear this a Cover feature this story about podcasting. I would directly compare to the one that I was in in Time magazine in 2006 2005 2000 same, same tone, same content. Just this is what podcasting is. Right. Here's how you listen to it.

You know you don't need an iPod. You know you don't need an iPod. Yeah you can use- This thing they don't sell anymore. You can use your- It is weird that the name of it is just tied to this like dead thing that doesn't exist. You can use your creative Rio or whatever it's called. And I said her yes.

She said... She said Vita, maybe there's a way to listen to podcasts on the Vita. I bet there was. Yeah, I like that. And she could do everything. She interviewed me about podcasting. Sort of just like, how do you podcast? What makes a good podcast?

Do you need an iPod? Yeah, exactly. She's a very, very nice woman. Then she asked for some photographs. And then nothing happened for- Tasteful photographs or were- She said- She said- Hang on. Hard R. Mm-hmm, and then nothing happened for tasteful photographs or were she wanted she said She said hanged all your hard are

So she wanted she's wanted You know those like muscles that point down at your dick come gutter sure Yeah, so she wanted me to show off mine, right? But you get that a lot from journalists or for people freelance journalists Right, but you get that a lot from journalists. Yeah Freelance journalists Sally sample enthusiast. Yeah, you can have this sun-dried tomato puff if you show me your cum gutters I sent in some pictures. Mm-hmm two months. Nothing happened. I thought to myself well That was fun when I talked to that woman who was pretending to be from Costco

That was fun when I talked to that woman who was pretending to be from Costco. And then I get an email in my inbox from our friend Graham Clark of Stop Podcasting Yourself. And it says, wow, big news, congratulations. Yeah, okay. And then the body of the email is, my parents just called me. They said you're in their Costco magazine. That's who you hear it from. So okay, so are you on the cover? I'm not on the cover.

There's a picture of some headphones and a microphone on the cover. I think they figured that was going to sell more on the newsstand than a picture of me. It's relatable. Everybody knows where headphones go. One on each ear. it's relatable. Everybody knows where headphones go. You know, one on each ear. That's amazing. So as a Costco member, do you automatically get that magazine? So I was worried that I wasn't getting it

because it was weeks after Graham's parents got theirs in Calgary that I got mine. But I think it's just because it truly is a global magazine. I finally did get mine in the mail. It does actually feature me and a picture of me. Oh my gosh. A few paragraphs about me. I immediately got... Is that why our listenership has spiked?

Yeah. Hello, Costco members. Yeah, we're talking about chicken bakes next on George Jesse Go. I got an email from this... What's the maximum you should pay for a hot dog? I got an email from this show business publicist that we work with sometimes for like a bull's eye guest. I don't, like she represents like movie stars, you know, like real famous people. And I don't know if I've ever met her in real life.

She might have come with somebody at some point, but I know her name from trying to book guests on bullseye. And she said, saw you in Costco connection, big get. And then I emailed back and I was like, yeah, it was fun. I genuinely love Costco. I'm an executive member. And she said, me too. Also did you know that's the most, the highest, what do you call that?

Circulation? Circulation. Also, did you know that's the highest circulation magazine in the world? I totally believe it. I bet it's between Costco and like the AAA magazine. Yeah. So the AARP magazine, I think is number two. But the Costco magazine apparently, because it is worldwide, has a little more than the

AARP magazine. 55 million. Wow. This is great. I hope you talked up this show on there. What I think is it seems like I should get something from Costco, right? I know that's not how journalism works, but if there's coupons for the thing on the cover Should I get?

I'm not like I'm not saying I should get a new- You want a $1.25 hot dog Yeah, that's kind of what I'm thinking. You know, I'm wondering have you been in since the magazine came out? I haven't yet. Do you think I'll get recognized? I mean, I here's what I'm imagining. I'm imagining they'll clock you. Yeah Coming in the greeter.

Is there still like a greeter at Costco? Somebody's kind of welcoming you. I feel like I remember a greeter. That person is checking your membership card. Oh, okay. Yes. They greet you by screening you. Keeping up the riff raff. Right. I bet they'll look at you, look at the card and go, right this way, Mr. Thorne, I want to show you where the regular sized products are. Oh, wow. And I bet you're going to be able to show you where the regular sized products are. Oh, wow.

And I bet you're going to be able to buy like a two pack of paper towels. At a Costco price? At a Costco price, yes. At a little bit more than they charge at CVS. Yeah. Like we don't let everybody see the regular sized products. I did do this, Jordan. Here, here's one hand sanitizer.

I know that the only subreddits that I really talk about on this show are Ask Los Angeles, r slash marbles, and of course Dragon's fucking cars. Right. But I also- Are there more than those? Do they have other ones? So I looked into it. Thank you for bringing that up. I looked into it. I am a member of the Costco subreddit. I had joined it actually shortly before getting this email because it had been suggested by an algorithm. I just, when I hear Costco subreddit, I'm like, that is either lovely or a nightmare. So it's a great mix of both. Okay, okay. There's a lot of pictures of weird shit going down in parking lots.

Okay. They really hate the burnt ends. You can apparently get burnt ends at Costco and they hate them. Okay I usually like that as a you know Just thing to order on a menu and there's so much controversy over them having switched from a clamshell To a bag for the rotisserie chicken. Okay a lot of talk about that But since I was a member of that subreddit, I said to myself You know, I think when you're an entertainer, you're often uncomfortable with self-promotion. But I said to myself,

you know what I'm going to do? I took a look at the subreddit rules, no rules against self-promotion. I said, I'm going to post this article about me that was in Costco Connection, in the Costco subreddit and say, yeah, sorry to brag, but I was featured in Costco Connection this month. And I truly thought people were going to turn against me. Nothing but support. Hey! Nothing but positivity and support.

That's great. Met a few Max Funsters that were already in the Costco subreddit there hanging out, worlds. They all said, my worlds are colliding. And I thought, well, if those are your worlds, it's an hanging out, worlds. They all said, my worlds are colliding. And I thought, well, if those are your worlds, it's an unusual set of worlds. Not because people who will listen to this show wouldn't go to Costco, but simply that, you know,

what is the, how many worlds can you have before you say worlds colliding? Hey losers, get some new worlds. Hey losers, there's new worlds out there. Anyway, it was a real thrill and I'm really looking forward to using Costco. That's amazing. Knowing that metaphorically I fucked its wife, you know?

Okay, yes. Like every time I go into Costco, I'll know. Right, sort of like that. You're better than it. Yeah, sort of like that. You remember that UCB sketch ass pennies? It's sort of like that. You're better than it. Yeah. Sort of like that. You remember that UCB sketch ass pennies?

Mm-hmm. It's sort of like ass pennies, but I've been in their magazines. So you're going to be the one throwing bows at the sample table. I don't think I'm even going to need to. I think the Sally sample tasters are going to part before me, like the Red Sea and Moses. The Moses of Costco. Yeah. Let my people save.

Indeed. Anyway, that's me and the Costco. Congratulations. That's really, really cool. That's some great press. Me and the Costco connection. It's really exciting. I'm really hoping, I really hope for something like this for you, Jordan.

I think I don't know what the circulation of the Verdugo Aquatic Center newsletter is. Right. It is, you know, probably a lot. It is tacked up on a bulletin board. So it's whatever, however many people go in and out. And it's summertime, so probably a lot. Right. I mean, probably Lori Kilmartin gets it, right? I took a whack at getting in the Orange County Register for like book promo stuff. I did a book fair in Orange County over the weekend. And I said to the organizers like, hey, I'd love to do a little like local media.

This book I'm promoting set in Orange County. I grew up, my parents still get the register. That'd be really big. They couldn't help out, but I like found the guy who does the entertainment reporting for the Orange County register. And like just send him a big email and like send him a copy of the book

and stuff like that and didn't hear anything I was pretty bummed. Jesus Christ, you know Wallace Bain from the Santa Cruz Sentinel would never that guy would send you an email back in a heartbeat Right saying this is not right for us So so I want let's introduce our guests Yeah And I want to give our producer our new producer Stephen Ray Morris his first official job other than recording the show and booking the guests and doing some other stuff.

And editing last week's show. And editing last week's show. So his first real job, take a look at the Orange County Register's entertainment section, see what they have been running instead of, you know, a feature on me, their favorite son. Let's, we'll talk to our guests and we'll check in with you about that. I just want to see what they actually did. Probably go with. Can I take a guess? Yeah. An interview with Hobie from the shorts. Yeah, right. The ape from TNC Surf. Out of rehab and ready to fuck.

Our guest on the program, our departing producer on Jordan Jesse Goh, by which we mean he is terminally ill, but he's going to soldier on. You're free with that. A stand-up comedian, host of Hodge Yourself a Gun, and what's the Israel podcast called? Bad Hasbara. Hasbara. The world's most moral podcast. Matt Lieb. Hi, Matt. How are you? I'm doing great. I got to say, I think this is my first time being on an episode with both of you in the studio

Yeah, and I did not realize how it feels to sit here and watch you guys riff Mm-hmm and and not be able to say anything You could have jumped in I felt bad. I was like listen. This is you listen, this is my last time. You felt like you were excluded from just potting up that mic, sliding up that fader, and saying, I don't care for this. I'm not paying attention. At any point, Steven is now in the seat, in which at any point, Steven, you can tell them

you don't like the show. Oh, noted. But yeah, no, I'm stoked to be here and talk to you guys. Yeah. Do you have any experience with Costco? I love Costco. I mean, it's a funny thing to be emailed about because it feels a little bit like someone emailing you like, hey, I heard you like music. Yeah

Who doesn't love Costco I was building the thing as it said Los Angeles area Costco member Jesse thorn says blah blah blah blah blah. It wasn't Like it started with that. It wasn't slash podcaster after that Los Angeles area Costco member Jesse thorn Founded the maximum fun 2000 yeah with help from Costco exactly I love the idea of the multi hyphenate but starting with executive Costco Club member Yeah, it's just letting you know that that's important to the magazine your triple threat Costco member. Yeah, triple a member Yeah, and Highlights magazine. What else is important hub premium subscriber? Yeah, no, I love Costco. I'm also not a samples person though

I okay you know what I'm talking about right where people are hovering around it waiting for the Go ding and you feel like you obviously want whatever they're giving away for free But it's nice chicken tikka masala. Yeah. Who doesn't want it? And it's free. And there's a nice person who's going to give it to you. And honestly, they don't do the hard sell. They're just like, hey, take it if you want or don't. And it's like, they're very nice about it. But the problem is, is you're huddled. There's a problem with the Costco subreddit, which is sort of like there's r slash podcasts and r slash podcasting, right? Or there's like r slash MLB for major league baseball and r slash baseball. And in r slash baseball, there's

these people who always want to be talking about playing baseball. But most of the people in there just wandered in and they just want to talk about professional baseball players. Yeah. They're like, no, no, no, that's not for here. For here we talk about what we could have done if we had played. Yeah. This is about cleat sizing. Yeah. They're like, no, no, no. That's not for here. For here, we talk about what we could have done if we had played. Yeah. This is about cleat sizing. Yeah. We're in a men's league.

Yeah. And there's a problem like that with the Costco subreddit, which is most of the posts are, again, about shit going down in a parking lot, world's smallest Costco in Juneau, Alaska, where everyone is really impressed that the things cost the standard price. There's no markup in the Costco in Juneau, Alaska, which does sound nice. That is nice. Different things available in the food corridor ready to eat areas of international Costco's, these sorts of things.

I bet that's interesting. Yeah. And then there's just people- Probably a shrimp thing, huh? Then there's just people posting about how come their manager won't change their shift at Costco? It's just like, people that work at Costco have their own parallel dialogue going on. Oh, yeah.

There's got to be tens of thousands of them. Yeah, there's so many people work at Costco. And they're like, I thought this is a subreddit for shooting on my boss. And like, Costco's are union busters, but they're the kind of union busters where they pay really well and offer really good benefits in order to prevent unions from happening.

So people are really passionate about their work at Costco. A lot of them worked at like a Walmart or something that's a nightmare. It's a constant struggle there in the Costco subreddit, people who are trying to learn the POS system versus people who are trying to complain about those burnt ends. Sure. I don't think I know what burnt ends are. It's like when you make a brisket, it's the little end.

The best part. Yeah, exactly. Not unless you get it at Costco, in which case it sucks. Everyone's mad. They're yelling at that and about chicken in a bag. Yeah, exactly. People don't like the bag. They liked the clamshell better. Yes, but the thing is- It's fancier. Yeah, exactly. People don't like the bag, they liked the clam shell better.

Yes, but the thing is- It's fancier. Yeah, I mean, the clam is the fanciest shell. The bag is much better for the environment. So there's a lot of talk about whether the bag is a cost-saving move by Costco or an environmentally move by Costco, because it's not recyclable plastic in either case, really. Is there a subreddit for Costco members who are also climate change deniers? Yeah, it's r slash Costco.

See, there's a problem with one big subreddit. You got to have miniature subreddits for the specific types of people going to Costco. There was a picture of somebody's car upside down in the Costco parking lot A lot of talk about how they could have pulled that off People trying to figure it out. Yeah chicken bake had me like Matt we were talking pre pod. Yeah, you're wearing some shorts You're not a short sky, but you are in a beautiful pair of shorts. I wanted to fit in I knew we'd all be inside the box today. Yeah, And I was like well they're they're gonna wear shorts so I should wear

shorts. No I wore these because it's uh it's like so humid that I had no other choice but to wear shorts. I've been sweating my balls off all day. But you don't you don't you don't love it you don't prefer. I'm not a shorts guy. Okay. If you like look at my legs. I think they're nice I think you're pretty good look like stems, baby. No, but look how Very you have a slight coming on my leg But honestly incredible loads here we are with me admiring your load thank you yeah no I'm not a shorts guy I'm a pants person I'm a pants man and it has just been it's it's been so it's been humid which is not normal in LA and I feel like I I, I'm a pants man, and it's been humid, which is not normal in LA, and I feel like I knew I was gonna be sharing a space,

just close quarters with two people who I know, and we'll see again, despite the fact that I'm not gonna be producing this particular show. We're friends from college. We're best friends from college, we all went to college together, and there we developed a friendship that will last eternal. Yes And we plan to commit suicide together

After the show wearing matching sneakers But yeah, and I honestly I'm not a smelly person Right. I've never I've never thought you reeked. Okay, thank you. I don't think I do. My wife says this, she's like, you just don't exude much odor. But the last few days in LA have been so humid that I could smell myself.

You felt kind of odorous. Oh, I was odorous. I'm like, I smell me. And you're not supposed to be able to smell yourself. Right. Like biologically or something. Well, I really think you look great. Yeah, they're nice.

And you're giving us a fresh feeling that could only be achieved by properly ventilated balls. Oh my god, guys. But tell me, let's talk about it. I can smell your balls, but it's not bad. Yeah, no, I have good smelling balls. Yeah. Now, how sweaty?

Sort of like Jasmine? Which is Jasmine's Jordan. I thought you said jazz men Just like two Jasmine it's the bet the smells they're not making yeah, I'm very sweaty balls like just it's just part of my life Everywhere I go. I'm always just pulling them apart, trying to take them off my leg. And that's just, you know, what about you guys? You guys have sweaty balls? I'll be honest, because I, it's a... I will. I would never lie to you about it. Don't lie to me.

I would never lie to you. It is a new problem that it developed recently. Jordan is well known on this program and frankly, internationally, thanks to the AAA magazine. Yeah. I gotta get in the AAA magazine. I gotta get in that AAA magazine. Westway is I think it's called. Jordan is a talcum powder enthusiast.

Oh, so do you talcum your balls every day? You still gold bond them? I gold bond them up, yeah. Yeah, gold bond, yeah. Okay, yeah, I've had to start doing that. That is something new in my life the last five years. Just something happened, all of a sudden I was like, ah, damn my balls are real sweaty right now and

Now I can't go anywhere without it. If I don't have talcum powder on my balls at all times Everyone can see in my face this discomfort of a man. The balls are sticking to his leg. Is that what was going on? Yes, if you see in my face, there's something wrong Matt, it's, oh man, his balls are on one today. Here's the thing. Well, I was inspired frankly by Jordan five, seven years ago on this talking about powdering his balls constantly. I was like, well, I should be powdering my balls. Apparently that sounds great. I started powdering my balls. I think I'm allergic to ball powder. Oh, you'll find that out real quick.

I wasn't. I wasn't. I didn't have a contact allergy. I didn't have a contact allergy. I wasn't like getting red and inflamed. I was just, I would start sneezing uncontrollably immediately. And I tried to fight through it.

And then I realized that it's also cancerous Cancer causing what? Inhaling talcum powder causes cancer so I was like if it's making me sneeze I must be inhaling it and if I'm inhaling it I'm giving myself cancer. So maybe I should just have sweaty balls. That's crazy I didn't know that about the the cancer because I feel like I Inhale a little bit of it every time. Yeah. I eat handfuls of it. And it's nice. It's kind of... It's nice, yeah.

I use it to prevent fires at my home. I mean, you know, it's all kinds of uses. Maybe we should just be using that rock that hippies like, where they wet a rock and rub it on their underarms. Get the fuck out of here. They have that? I didn't know about this rock. It's like a rock that... We went to Santa Cruz. Yeah, but I didn't learn from the same shaman. You didn't know anyone who... Who wetted a rock?

Yeah. Like, you know, I... It's true. For folks who didn't go to Santa Cruz, so there are eight, now 10 residential colleges, so 12 maybe now. And each residential college has its own shaman. So Jordan and I were both at Porter's, so we both had the same shaman. What college were you at, man? I was at Merrill. His name was Greg, and he had Old Spice. And I just started doing Old Spice, and he said, chicks, dig this. And so I started doing that. And you're like, well, I mean, you're the one in the loin cloth.

Exactly. You know. You're the one who gave me acid five minutes ago. You know a thing or two about smelly bits. Thanks, Craig. Speaking of the sea, Jesse, you were telling me earlier that you have some sort of sea-based game for us. Yeah. Do you think you can handle this? No. This is going to be a competition between Matt and Jordan. I figured it was a perfect time to see which of you is better, now that Matt's leaving the show.

Yeah, OK. Maybe if Matt wins, do I leave the show, and Matt stays, and Steven produces. I love it. Matt is Jordan. Yeah, Matt Jesse Go. And then I go and live with your wife and raise your child and host the Israel podcast.

I would love that. I mean, listen, I love my wife and I love my child, but it'd be so sick if maybe for a week I just lived Jordan Morris's wife. Oh, yeah, we all just want to have And then swimming at what the which aquatic center glad you go for do go for do go That's a good nail though. I think they have a nice pool. Oh man. What a lie. Yeah, it's pretty good honestly Oh my you do have a good line and Matt swimming like a fucking porpoise. I know he's great at it I guarantee you you're great at swimming at least like a gar. Yeah, what's that right? It's like alligator fish Yeah, what's that? Right, it's like alligator fish.

Oh, sounds cool. Hell yeah. We just learned a new amphibian. Hell yeah, man. I want to be that. Steven, since you're the producer, I know you're working on that Orange County Register thing, but do you think you could keep score in this quiz? For sure.

Okay, great. So David Grand's new book, The Wager, A Tale of Shipwreck, mutiny and murder is a thrilling yarn telling the true history of an English armada sailing the treacherous waters of Cape Horn, hoping to capture the riches of a Spanish galleon. I just downloaded this book on Audible. Yeah, it fucking whips ass. Wow. And everyone told me it's good. And now it's not a quiz about that book, is it? Well, we'll find out because i'd be so mad uh hoping to listen to it yet hoping to capture the riches of a spanish

galleon unfortunately the british sailors don't know that you need to eat fruit and vegetables to keep from losing all your teeth and going insane so they crash their ships and end up on a deserted island, eating seaweed and albatrosses and generally having a very tough time. And basically all of them die, except the ones who miraculously make it home. And those ones end up on trial for mutiny. But while those sailors' tales are tragic ones, their story is filled with funny old-time seafaring words. I love it. So in this quiz, I will give you three choices. One is a real sailor thing. Two are nonsense that I made up. The quiz is called,

What is boat words? Okay. What is boat words? Your job is to identify what is nonsense and what is boat words? You'll each have one lifeline you can call a real life expert on the life of the sea Ariel the Little Mermaid So you can call Ariel the Little Mermaid if you need help iconic She's like full grown now, though

She's in her 60s Dude and she's never much better. Let me just say this she's fucking full ground Jesse made the big honkers Let's talk about Ariel's Natty Thing about my hubs Think about those areolas. You know what I mean? Boom! Yeah. Thingababah hubs? Yeah, yeah. I got plenty. Plenty of what?

Yeah. You'll find out. Well. I wanna fuck a cartoon! A vast ye matey shan'd away. It's time for What is Boatwords. Matt, you're gonna go first since you're our guest. Here are your choices.

Press gang? Meat mob, or Tinker's tears. One of these is real, two of them are made up. Press gang, meat mob, or Tinker's tears. Okay, and you said one of them is real. One of them is real. And two of them are fake. Your job is to guess which one is real. Press gang? You're absolutely correct. Foolish enough to volunteer for the Navy, welcome aboard. Finally out of the Navy, somehow survived the Navy? Well, there's no rest for you because a press gang is rolling through the town's taverns,

kidnapping anyone who might know how to tie a half hitch then rowing them out to a floating jail just far enough off the coast that your no-swimming-ass can't get back to shore. Yes, that's right, these sailors don't know how to swim. Have a family? Tough shit. Probably no one will even tell them that you're back in the Navy now, this time through kidnapping. Wow.

What the hell? Okay. So as far as I could tell from that run-on sentence, a press gang is like a gang of pirate sailors who press you into service. They're a gang of guys who work for the Royal Navy. Oh so they're actually Navy guys. Whose job it is to force you to be in the Navy is to kidnap people Literally kidnapped like grab them by the arms and legs Force them into a rowboat take them to a prison boat The prison boat is a boat that is just far enough off offshore that people can't swim back because they don't know how to swim

Yeah, they don't tell anyone that they. Oh, yeah. They don't tell anyone that they're gone unless like the bartender tells them. Yeah. And they literally go around trying to trick people into identifying themselves as sailors by like saying who's got tails of the sea or like who knows how to do this not. Wait, so why do they need do they need them in order to be sailors on the sea? To make the boats work. I feel like... They didn't have enough guys to make the boats. If you get enough guys, if you kidnap enough guys, you just find out, hey, were you kidnapped? And then you just gang together.

You would think. And you kill the captain. But then you end up on trial for mutiny. Whatever, dude. Captain dead now. Jordan? Yeah. Next one is for you.

Okay. Here's your choices. Mama's stent. Mm-hmm girth and mast Or futtock shroud Okay, so I want to I want to make sure i'm i'm using my lifeline. How many of these are there? You get one lifeline. No, but uh, how many questions? How long is this is a seven question quiz? Okay, uh Read read them back one more time mama's stent

m-u-M-M-A, Girthin Mast, or Fudduck Shroud? Say the second one again. Girthin Mast. Yeah, which one's real? I honestly don't know. I think it's three. Fudduck Shroud? Fudduck Shroud. You're absolutely correct. Wow! Fuddick Shroud? Fuddick Shroud. You're absolutely correct.

Wow! Fuddick Shroud. A Fuddick Shroud is the cluster of rigging below the top, which is the little perch almost at the apex of a square-rigged ship's mast. Sailors would climb the Fuddick Shroud to access the top and then enjoy a view of the endless rolling sea that almost certainly would consume their hopes dreams and indeed their very lives

Back to you Matt. All right. Here are your choices foofs Gob coats or slops Oh foofs gobb coats or Slops right now. It's between foops and gob coats. I feel like Slops is you winking at me because you know how much I like to talk about slop All sloppy leave we call He's a mess okay, so But you know what I'm gonna do a lifeline. I have a, I wanna, I wanna call

uh, Ariel the Little Mermaid. From the movie The Little Mermaid. Who is now a middle-aged mermaid. Hey! I got my voice back. Wow, you sound great. Congratulations! You do sound older, the Little Mermaid. I'm wise. I'm wise with uh, learning us all of Sebastian's tricks, you know. Oh! That crap was full of tricks! It was a tricky crap. This guy was really full of tricks. He was full of tricks. Musical genius.

Musical genius, one of the greats. Obviously, Ariel the Little Mermaid, you live under the sea. Under the sea, yep. Wait, is that what happened to you? I thought you got legs and you live above the sea. Yep. Wait, does that is that what happened to you? I thought you got legs and you live above this. I forgot to tell you, we got divorced. Oh, no. It's fine.

I got again, I got what I needed, which is my legs. Alamoni. Yes, I was trying to think of an ocean pun, but it didn't come to me. Yeah, neither. Abalone instead of alamoni. You get a baloney. Thanks, Jordan. You're welcome. That's why your name's on the podcast What do you think long

Three words again, yeah Your three words Ariel the Little Mermaid from the movie the Little Mermaid are foofs gob coats and slops And you Matt you're not you don't want to go? Food. I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy who says, uh, I'm a guy say slop a lot. I'm a guy who says What do you? Part of he wants to say foos just because right Ariel gobcoats, maybe Okay, now you're really do you want to check in with buddy hack it?

Let me phone him Wait the fret you found the friend and now the French phone there. Wait, the friend, you phoned the friend and now the friend's phoned a friend? There's no rules. Now the friend's phoned a friend? Buddy Hackett just called the whole Friars club? To roast Matt? I think I have to go with Foofs. What do you think Matt? I'm going to go with Foofs. Ariel, I think you know a thing or two about this.

Incorrect. Fuck you, Ariel! Slops were the striped short pants issued to sailors by the British Navy. Supplies were short aboard ships, so these pants were worn every day and were probably disgusting. Like, really disgusting. But you know, everything was super disgusting. Literally nothing on a ship was not disgusting. The surgical tools were disgusting. I can only imagine.

Basically everyone died. Man, the sea sucks. Yeah. I think I hate the sea now. This one's bad. This one's for you, Jordan. Yeah, thank you. Foul bilge, gun boys lament, or tar tears?

Foul bilge sounded right to me immediately. I'm just gonna go with the gut. Foul bilge. You're absolutely correct. Whoa! God damn it! Congratulations, sailor. Today, you're headed to tend to the foul bilge, a liquid stew of excrement, rats, seawater,

and broken dreams that fills the very bottom of a sailing ship want to vomit Great the addition of your sickening chunder will almost certainly on average make the water cleaner Wow Okay, foul bilge. Yeah, so they keep the the doo-doo and stuff Yeah, it's just all down there and well you have to get rid of it You try and shit off the edge So there's a hole depending on how things are taken care of so like in the case of the wager eventually the hole was damaged And they had to just start going off the edge, right? Oh, but it's dangerous to go off the edge because they don't know again They can't overemphasize that they don't know how to swim. It's insane. Do they have life rings?

Did they invent those yet? No, I think they have small boats though. Okay, okay inflatable pizza slices. It's fun Back to you Matt. Okay plum picker party lob lolly boys or little feebles I'm gonna go with lob lolly boys because it just feels British. You're absolutely correct. Loblolly boys are the assistants to the ship's surgeon. They're named after loblolly, which was a porridge served to the sick.

These assistants were often teenage boys and presumably they were either jacking off in front of each other a lot or just straight-up sucking each other's dicks I love that for them for them. I feel like they're probably the having the most fun on that ship. That's not in the historical record It's just an assumption. I think that's a correct assumption. Yeah back to you Jordan. Okay. Yep. Lubber hole. Oh slick Tilly Willy Or bullshaft whoo. Is this my last question? Slick Tilly Willie or Bulls Shaft? Is this my last question? Yeah, this is going to be your last question.

Okay, yeah, well gosh, let's phone Ariel, the little mermaid. Ariel? I have legs. Congratulations. Alright, what are the three words again? They are Lubber Holeuber hole slick Tilly Willie or Bullshaft I must want to go by Matt's logic and go the most British the Tilly Willie. I think that's that sound logic. Yeah, let's go Tilly Willie incorrect

Because it's sound it's a hole you fuck, right? The lubber hole. It's a hole you fuck. The lubber hole allowed sailors who had climbed the Fuddick Shroud access to the top. Perhaps- Where they would fuck a hole? Perhaps if they spotted land, they could lead the crew ashore, where they might accidentally cure everyone's scurvy by eating wild celery.

Only they wouldn't know that the wild celery is what cured their scurvy. They just think God's providence had shone upon them or something. So they would leave the celery behind, get back in the ship, and then get scurvy again. Oh man. It's all tied up.

It's all tied up. So this- Thank you, Ariel. So this is for the win. Oh, shit. OK, who gets to answer this one? It's me. It's Matt. Maybe since it's... OK. It's Matt. It's Matt.

Well, it was my turn anyways, right? Yeah, I think it's... And we are tied up now. Right. Now it's all tied. Well, if there's like an odd number, it should be like a buzz in thing, right? Yeah. Yeah, but Matt gets to buzz in first. I want to buzz. Matt gets first. Buzz. The want to buzz. Matt gets first buzz. The Whackermans Folly. Debutants Dare or Beating to Quarters.

Whackermans makes you think Jacking off. Right. Which makes you want to avoid it. Right. Debutants Folly. Debutants Dare. Oh, Debutants's dare. Oh, Debutante's dare. Okay, so it's a debutante. I dare you to jack off, so I want to go against that. Right. Then beating to quarters. Beating to quarters, another jack off. That reminds me of church. It's beating to quarters. It's gotta be. You're absolutely right, Matt. Yes! When battle was imminent, drums would be played on deck to summon the men. It was known as beating to quarters. Then they'd shoot giant cannonballs at each other that would literally knock people's heads off, but only if they were

lucky because if they only had a foot knocked off, they'd be carried below decks literally spurting blood and a bunch of loblolly boys would restrain them while a ship surgeon just straight up sawed their leg off. No anesthesia or anything, just saw saw saw with a regular saw, just the kind of saw you're imagining. If I say saw, straight through their flesh and bones and then literally they would pour hot tar on the wound. I'm supposed to listen to this book. Because the hot tar would cauterize it and also because they basically just Poured hot tar on everything around but guess what captain tar stump one you still died Why because you didn't eat any fucking celery? Okay. Congratulations, Matt

You're the new host of Jordan Jesse go. Oh shit. That was what is boat words? What is boat words? My name is Matt Lee. Boy, detective. We'll be back in just a second. I'm Jordan. Jesse. Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris Boyd, detective. Jordan's book is out in bookstores right now, so make sure and buy Jordan's book. It is called Youth Group. It's very funny. It is very fun. It is appropriate for the teens in is very funny, it is very fun, it is appropriate for the teens in your life as well as for you.

They're going to like it, they're going to feel cool because there's drinking in there. Oh yeah, glug glug. Yes, Youth Group from me and artist Bo and McGurdy wherever you get your books. And hey, Jordan here with a message for folks in and around the San Francisco Bay Area. I am going to be at Book Passage in San Francisco on August 2nd, signing copies of my new graphic novel, Youth Group, and having a conversation with the great writer Maggie Takuta Hall, who will be signing copies of her new book, The Worst Ronin. Event starts at 5.30 and is free to everyone, but we hope you'll pick

up some books while you're there. Come on out! We'll find a fun spot for drinks after. More info in the show notes. OK. Every episode of Jordan Jesse Goh is of course supported by the members of Maximum Fun. Our thanks members of Maximum Fun. We're also supported this week by Solar Slice. If you're feeling helpless against climate change, well Solar Slice has a new way to power a brighter future. Here's what the good folks at Solar Slice are doing. You buy a slice of a solar farm and add 50 watts of clean energy to the grid.

There's an app that shows you exactly how much energy your slice produces and the carbon emissions you're preventing. And Jesse, you like scoring points, right? Yeah, God, I love, I'll gamify anything. Well, you could score eco points to plant trees, buy more slices, or support other green initiatives. I just hit my streak for a number of times eating lunch. Ooh, you're a lunch king.

Yeah, exactly. Are you ready to take action? Visit solarslice.com and buy a slice on Kickstarter today. Together we can build a cleaner, greener world one slice at a time. That's solarslice.com. Don't just offset your carbon footprint, build a brighter future. We also have a message up on the Jumbotron. That's where our listeners can share messages

with each other and the world. This is a message for Andrew from Camille. And Camille writes, there's no one I'd rather celebrate analogous with. Please give me another chance. I love you. We don't endorse this. We can't speak to the quality of this. Andrew, we're not telling you what you should do. We're just relaying the message. Don't shoot the messengers. Don't shoot us.

In fact, don't shoot anyone. Don't shoot. Stop shooting, Andrew. Andrew put down the gun. Yeah, if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, go to maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. That's maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll share news of your birthday, we'll plug your product, whatever, pretty much. You'd be surprised at how affordable it is at maximumfun.org slash Jumbotron. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh.

It's Jordan Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Matt Lee, Boy Detective, Part Two. Congratulations, Matt. I'm so looking forward to Working with you. It's been my dream ever since we became best friends in college. I know I'm very excited about it Um, I I have to quit Because I you know, I was already quitting this. Yeah, you know job. So, okay This will be my last day as host Matt Lee, it's been a great run. It really has been.

The quiz, that was great. That was great. We talked about balls for a minute. Balls. Jordan, I am actually, I'm hiring right now for a co-host position on Jordan and Jessica. I don't know if you're interested. I know you have a lot of book promotion to do right now.

Yeah. I mean, if you can work around my schedule, then. Yeah, I mean, you can work around my schedule then Yeah, I mean you got the book coming out on camera work with Good Mythical Morning But you know, I feel like I have some say in this. Yeah, and we'll talk about it privately. Yeah Right cuz you know, you have some say in who's coming in to fill your legacy Yeah, you know and I feel like I have kind of, I'm in touch with the fans. Like they've, they're used to me now.

They've listened to me for a long, long time. It's a George Jones who's gonna fill their shoes thing. Yeah, yeah. Who's gonna play the Opry and the Wabash Cannonball? I was thinking of who's gonna replace Monkey in Limp Bizkit? Oh. Or was there a, has Monkey left Limp Bizkit? Oh, is there a guy?

Has monkey left Limp Bizkit? This is how I find out. Is there a guy in Limp Bizkit that is named Monkey? OK, there. Hey, Steven, can you tell me who left what band when? Which new metal band replaced their bassist? Yeah. Was it Monkey in Korn?

Yeah, Monkey might have been in Korn, and I'm not sure if he left or it was, I'm thinking of Wes Borland leaving Limp Bizkit. Am I correct that Flea is in Monkey? Right guys? Flea is in Monkey. That's why he's so itchy. That's probably where he got the name. Famously itchy.

I looked up Bassfire Korn and somebody named somebody named Reginald R. Vizio. Oh, well, that's cool. Dr. Reginald. Oh, wait, he's Fieldy. Fieldy was in Korn. Okay. All these creative names. I just remember there was a guitar world magazine one time that had a contest for who would

be the next guitar player in either Korn. Well, West Bordland left Limp Bizkit for a while, but I think he's back now. He's back. Yeah, he's back with a biscuit. Hey, so what is monkey in? We have what's monkey monkey was in corn. Google monkey. Read everything. Oh, he was in corn. Monkey was in.

OK, did he leave corn? It says he is currently in corn but maybe he left corn and came back after the the contest winner wasn't that good yeah yeah can I tell you a thought that I just had it was well isn't monkey a little bit of a cute name for a guy in corn and then I remember that the band is called corn yeah you have to remember that and also they're like well but we're gonna spell it with a K so yeah how do you think monkey is spelled? You think it's spelled normal? Yeah, I'll tell you right now that K is not facing the correct way Wow

So it's a it's a it's a monkey looking. Yeah swinging. That's right Yeah Well, that's exciting when something momentous happens to you, like you join or leave corn. Give us a call at 206-984-4FUN or email us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfund.org. For our segment, Momentous Occasions, someone who's done that is this person. Hi, Jordan, Jessica. This is Helen from Colorado calling with a momentous occasion. So, the house next door to us just sold and our new neighbors moved in. And our dog was in the backyard one day and just started growling and barking. Her entire hackle came up and she was freaking out. And we thought that there was a new dog in the backyard in the neighbor's house. But my wife looked through the fence and she said no it's a pet pig so

our dog and Rosie the hundred plus pound pet pig next door have a significant rivalry now and we're not exactly sure we're gonna do hopefully we'll be able to get our dog to train to like the pig but anyway that's our momentous occasion thinking about you Jesse and getting bit by a pig many, many years ago. Okay. Thanks. Love you. Bye. Stephen Ray Morris, you don't know this, but many years ago, my wife's cousin and his wife came to visit Southern California from their home in San Francisco and their pig rode with them in their Prius. And they said,

well, we're going to stay at a hotel where there's no pets allowed. But we were wondering if he could stay at your house, to which I said, fuck yes, he can stay at my house. Of course he can stay at my house. That's so fun. That's all I want in the world is for him to stay at my house. They said, he'll just sleep in the backyard. It'll be fine. Here's how you give him his food Not only did this fucker that I could not have been more excited about meeting and petting and spending time with Not only did this fucker bite the shit out of me like fully where leg aren't hand. Hey Yeah, big bruise Broken skin the whole nine yards. Shit. But he also so missed Teresa's cousin, Luke, he's just the sweetest man, so missed Teresa's cousin,

Luke, that he just made horrible human-like screams all night long in my backyard. This was for one night? Well, it was going to be for like two or three, but they were kind enough to come get him. Oh, unpredictable. Wow.

I didn't know that about pigs, that they're vicious. Yeah. I was truly worried that the neighbors were going to call the cops. Like sincerely, not as a joke. What kind of pig was it? I mean, I guess I don't know kinds of pigs. Was it a little pink pig? No, he was sort of gray colored, I would say.

Very big? He was not as big as a farm pig. But I think it is common for people who get a pet pig to be surprised at how big it ends up being. Right, yes. This happened to my elementary school friend of mine whose parents got divorced and his dad used to just give him whatever he wanted. And so he asked for a pig and he got a pig, but they lived in a very small townhouse in Los Angeles with a shared outdoor space. And so they had a pig for a while in that shared outdoor space and I tell you I was excited to meet his pig And then I saw this fucker and I was like that's not a friend That pig right there is just an enemy. It looked like the devil

Like you ever see drawings of like the devil and he's all pink and he's got a little sure now No, I'm talking like you know just no Yeah, a evil demon big fish and I was like that's a demon and not a very nice Not a very nice pet not yeah, maybe not a thing you'd want to get bit by either probably big crazy teeth, right? What would you say where your top five things you'd like to get? Boy well Radioactive spider spider god, that would be amazing. Yeah.

Um, Beyonce. Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Be Ike me. Queen B. And then four, three, two, and one are all Beyonce. Oh, okay.

Okay. So five is radioactive spider. Right. Yeah. Because that would give you all the powers of a spider. Ideally, yeah. Or genetically modified spider in the Sam Raimi movies. Sure, OK.

And then four would be the singer Beyoncé. Three would be number two is? Gotta be Beyoncé. And number one overall thing that you would want to bite you. Queen Bey herself. Beyoncé. Beyoncé. Beyoncé.

Beyoncé Cardinals? That's the one. OK. Be a bummer if you got bit by a radioactive spider and it just gave you cancer. That's the opposite of why I wanted it to happen. The doctor says, I need you to take a seat. I have some news for you.

Yes, here it comes. Here it comes. Here it comes. You have spider cancer. And there's some bad news about your uncle Ben. You're going to die, but your dick now shoots out webs. So that's cool. Man, you know, one time this came up on Jordan Jesse Goh and a lot of people disagreed with me, but he's shooting jizz from his hands. That's the point of the story. That's the lore. That's the

point of the story. You mean it's like the metaphor, right? Is the jizz shooter. You come of age. You start shooting jizz all over everywhere and you don't know what to do. Yeah. Come of age with a U. Right, yes. J. Jonah Jameson's like a power daddy. Yes, exactly. He wants pictures of Spiderman. The jizz specifically.

Yeah, he specifically wants to see that jizz. I love that. Do you think, I think this caller was saying that she's concerned about a dog-pig friendship. Is that possible? Concerned that it might be too beautiful. Right, yeah. Would it make too many good calendars? It's definitely possible. One of the few genres of Instagram video that I get algorithmically is animal best friends. And I've seen dogs and pigs, I've seen monkey and squirrel. There's like- Now, was squirrel in stained? Yeah, squirrels in stain with monkeys.

With squirrels, usually squirrel's best friend, if I'm not mistaken, is moose. Yeah, well, it takes all kinds. Listen, you can't be put in a box. Sometimes you want to branch out. You can't just be friends with moose. Or maybe I'm thinking of squirrel. Yeah, squirrel. I would like to see, here's something that I would like to pitch to you, Jordan,

that if you wanted them to become friends, you're going to need to get them something, like an interest that they can share together. Like my daughter, Grace Grace and her friend Aaron today did a lot of retro video gaming. It's really brought them together as friends. Yeah, but they're both the same species. That's true.

But I think a really special, special interest could bring anyone together. And I think that what they're going to need to do is knock down the fence between the two yards and put in a swimming pool. Because if I know anything from the videos that have been algorithmically served to me, it's that all cute animals like swimming in swimming pools... I think that's true. I think that's a truism. Especially dogs and pigs. And if you need another idea here, just throwing this out there, if you need a species that loves

to swim and loves to bridge the gap between dogs and pigs throw a capybara in there. Oh yeah. Because that's half dog half pig and it definitely loves to swim because it's also half beaver. Can you eat those? I mean capybaras? Matt you can eat anything. You can just put it in your mouth and start chewing. just I just I'm thinking about it and I'm like that might be a tasty tree might be I ate a tree earlier today a tree yeah like a branch felt and hit you know the whole fucking thing what do you think I am I don't know what you mean by you am a ball sack ball sacks are weak pussies are strong oh I like that yeah yes I'm snapping but I don't want to do it into the mic.

Yeah, that would be a no- I don't want to make it hard for Stephen. Yeah, sure. I understand that. It's first time on the board here. The answer is you can eat a capybara. In fact, sometimes do in South America. However, I would not eat a capybara. I would focus on eating its much smarter and more sophisticated cousin the pig But I mean I wouldn't eat a capybara because I love capybaras my favorite animal capybaras not loving enough I think that's what makes the pig taste so good. Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's the human screams

Human screams the human like screams. Yeah, that does sound like a bad time Especially since it sounds like this person the the caller, it sounds like they're homeowners. And I can't think of anything more upsetting than having new neighbors in a home that you own and something being amiss with them. Like we're about to have new neighbors in our apartment and I'm scared about that because they're apparently they are twin artists. What? Yes. No. Yes. Is it the Sklar brothers? It is. No, that's gonna be fun. That's gonna be fun. I mean, maybe they'll be fun, but no, apparently they both make art and they're twins and they live together. And I just don't, I don't don't know I don't it could be anything. They make art together. I

Did a just a light Google search on that. Can I ask a question Matt? Yes, this is serious I do you mind if I ask you a serious question, please is there art double mint gum commercials. I Honestly, I couldn't tell you the article that I found said it was something about ugly shoes That's their art is they make ugly shoes. Uh-huh very big in a small pocket of New York art scene. I'm sure and I Didn't understand it. I'm just scared about will they have loud music because we have a baby You know and babies love loud music lasting. I am trying to dance exactly It's like stop trying to dance all trying to pull you onto the floor constantly exactly like a bridesmaid at a wedding Mm-hmm. That's what I'm worried about a wedding. Yeah dance daddy

What the fuck you fucking loser? That's what Karina's gonna say right well She's had too much to drink at the open bar You can cut this baby off. I can tell she's slurring. I'll drink as much mommy milk as I fucking want I'm almost two bitch. They're playing Beyonce Steven before we go to break do we have an Orange County register update, so I'm looking in the Entertainment section and the number one article right now, the latest one says, call them. Do we need movie stars? Wow. I didn't expect an article about genocide. Take them all out in a sea prison. We know they can't swim. Another headline is action packed. The Garfield movie bridges generation gap. Oh. Well, I get that.

You got bunts for Garfield. I got bunts for a story in my life. I'm going to be honest with you. I don't know if Garfield can bridge a generation gap, but I do think that Garfield could probably bridge the gap between a pig and a dog. Oh, yeah. Actually, you're not wrong.

I think what this relationship needs is a third animal Yeah, he's like on the funny lazy animal. Yeah one with a laconic charm Yeah, so that when the dog is, you know barking at pig and pig is human screaming at dog Yeah, the cattle just be there like I hate Mondays Did I tell you guys about how I have a friend at the flea market who I was texting with about textiles and then she just Casually mentioned she had tortoises in her backyard that were 85 years old. No, but it sounds like something you would mention. God, I wish... God, I just... I wish that you could have the experience of just knowing someone for

five, 10 years in a situation like that, like a church, you know, flea market, somewhere where you see people at the office. At Costco. And then just one day they say, yeah, and I have two tortoises in my backyard. They've lived with me for 40 years. They're 85 years old. They were around during the JFK assassination. She glues GPSs to them, like air tags.

She like glues air tags. In case they get out? In case they get out. In case they get out. How far can they go? They're so old and slow. You'd be surprised. I would be. Yeah. How far?

Down the road. That's a long way. All the way down the road somebody found them. I wouldn't want to go down that road. Nice. Thank you. I hate to do that. They're 85 years old. They've had such a long and beautiful life. Yeah. Anyway, give us a call. 206-984-4FUN400. Leave us a voice memo at jjgo at maximumfun.org.

We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Tsego. Hello, sleepyheads. Sleeping with Celebrities is your podcast pillow pal. We talk to remarkable people about unremarkable topics, all to help you slow down your brain and drift off to sleep. For instance, the remarkable actor Alan Tudyk. You hand somebody a yardstick after they've shopped at your general store. The store's name is constantly in your heart because yardsticks become part of the family. Sleeping with Celebrities, hosted by me, John Moe, on MaximumFun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Night night.

The following are real reenactments of pretend emergency calls. 911. My husband! It's my husband! Calm down, please. What about your husband? He...he loves to dishwasher wrong. Please help!

Please help me! Where are you now ma'am? At the kitchen table. I was with my dad. He mispronounces words intentionally. There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes. Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and

scared for once. Only on MaximumFun.org. It's Jordan, Jesse Goh. I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart Jordan Morris boy detective Matt Lee tortoise lover well Matt we really wish you all the best as you pass into the wilds of Jordan's other show Yeah, I mean I I will be honest. I will miss spending my Sundays with you guys Now my Sundays are just gonna to be dedicated to the Lord. Ice cream Sundays. Ice cream Sundays.

Just me and the Lord. And football. And maybe House of the Dragon, if I can start getting the name straight. Oh, yeah. It's tough. I'm very excited. And they're all blonde, too.

Most of them are blonde. It's just like, and it's the same. Even the dragons sound the same. It does feel like they took a look at me watching Game of Thrones and said, how can we make this harder for Jesse? Yeah, yeah. I mean, listen, I'm someone who likes fantasy, and I see that name sound similar. I tried to read the Cimmerillian once.

Oh, yeah. And I was like, well, this is stupid to read. This isn't fun. We used to take, this is fucking weird, but we used to have English ESL students stay in my mom's apartment. And they'd be like 23 year olds or 24 year olds that were like worked at banks. Yeah. And they needed to learn English. So they'd stay at our house for like six months or nine months while they were learning English And this one Swiss guy named Michael Seigenthaler His parents called my mom and said well, you know our son they were bankers as well

Said our son has been living in your home for nine months and he loves you and your family We're wondering if your child would come visit us in Switzerland. And my mom was like, well, we take on ESL students because we can't afford the rent otherwise. And they were like, no, no, we mean we would pay for it. I'm calling you from a car phone in 1990. And so I went on a trip to Switzerland and Michael Seigenthaler's nice parents took me to the English language bookstore and the English language video rental store.

And I picked up the classic pair, which was a copy of the Sil Mowrym. Close. And a VHS of Back to School starring Rodney Dangerfield. Those are weirdly the same genre of media. I got a lot more out starring Rodney Dangerfield. Those are weirdly the same genre of media. I got a lot more out of Rodney Dangerfield than I did out of it. Sure, sure. One's a little more dense than the other, but they're both about the same thing.

So mal-readen. Cimmerillian. In fact, I'm probably saying it wrong. I don't even know. People are writing fucking angry. They're so mad at me. And guess what? I no longer have to read your emails So you write as much angry shit as you want. Steven's gonna have to paw through these Yeah forward them to me so I can delete them without having read them. What happens in this?

Cimmerillian I'll look at this a bunch of miscellaneous shit, right? It's like, do you remember the Bible? It's just like the fucking leftover shit. It's the Bible of Lord of the Rings universe. So it's like a really dry recitation of where the elves come from and what happened to Sauron that one time. It's just wall to wall lore. Yeah, it's all lore.

And it's a lot of like family lore. So it's like, oh, you want to know where Elrond is from? Well, here's all Elrond's people. And it's like, who is this shit? I'm just trying to see some sword fights. Yeah. And like boobs and breastcoats. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I like. Yeah and like boobs and breast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I like Yeah chicks with the horns on their head. Yeah

Great adventure in my pants. You guys have to know the Lord of the Rings Cartoon understand that rough. Well, they always talking about their pants. Well, they're talking about a great adventure You know, that's like the song. Somebody posted on the thrift store finds subreddit a picture of a book that I believe was called Minotaur milking farm. Yes. Yeah. Popular, a popular fantasy sub genre these days. So yeah, so they posted it and I think they posted it just as like a you won't believe what I saw at the thrift store. Right. And people are like, that's a good one. Yeah, they're like, I do believe.

Every comment was, yeah, that's a really good one. This is a thing now. Yeah. I was on a romance novel podcast and had it explained to me, and I guess there are people who really like human on Minotaur, but there's also an element to where the Minotaur semen, they're loads, we're talking about loads here. Just trying to bring it all back around in the last segment. Is that the loads are somehow healing or they're valuable,

so I think that not only do the humans and Minotaurs fall in love, but there's a load collecting element to it. I like it. So is it lady humans and male minotaurs? Uh, I think I don't know enough about it. I would assume that there's we need to get the reading glasses I'm here to tell us about this. Yeah, something for everybody Matt. You're you're recapping the Sopranos now We already recap the soprano. Oh, okay. What are you on now? Would we're about to start mad men. Oh mad man. Yes

story of We're about to start Mad Men. Oh, Mad Men? Yes. Okay. Story of just angry guys, you know, they're living through the 60s and they're getting drunk and they're cheating on their wives. They're making advertisements. What was that HBO show about like a sex circus? I think it was called Sex Circus. Yeah.

Like a freaky... Oh, Carnival. Taxi cab. Carnival. Carnival, yeah. like a freaky carnaval. I read an article the other day that was called like the 20 or 30 greatest HBO shows of all time. Maybe it was 40 greatest HBO shows. Yeah. And a lot of great programming over there on HBO. Carnaval was on there and Larry Sanders wasn't and I was like wait come on yeah Jesus fucking Christ carnaval a yeah people are crazy with those things

because they you only write them so that you can make number one not the Sopranos right to piss off the loads of Sopranos fans they put they put the wire number one so God bless sure but like but yeah not putting Larry Sanders on there putting Carnaval a on there really blew my fucking ass with their prestige TV. They think there was no good TV before like 1997 yeah, yeah, that is kind of the narrative is like the Sopranos was the first good show Yeah, right and it's like there were so many good shows Cheers cheers Larry Sanders.

That's all I can think of. Yeah. I got cheers and Larry Sanders. The Simpsons. The Simpsons. Wings. A little show called Wings. Wings was fantastic. Wings would be number five on the list if I had. I loved Wings. If it had run on HBO.

I was a big Wings fan. Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Yeah. Clarissa explains it all. What's on your list? We got Clarissa explains it all. I's on your list? We got Clarissa explains it all. I mean, personally, I love step by step. Step by step. Oh, of course. Definitely top 10 HBO shows of all time.

Guys, and we're forgetting about the news. Oh, I love the news. Oh my god, Walter Cronkite. You gotta know what's going on. Walter Cronkite, the voice of America's conscience. Traffic, weather. Together. Together. Together.

Dog with a Blog. Dog with a Blog. What about Dog with a Blog, one of the greatest shows of all time? Yeah, yeah. The Outer Limits. Oh my god, yes. The Outer Limits. Bonanza.

Test Patterns. I love that one. Test Patterns. What about the Adams Adams family today? Yeah, the new show. Yeah, the 80s Adams family show. Yeah, that was great Yeah, another was an 80s Adams. No, the Munsters the Munsters today It's called the Munsters today in the 80s. My daughter made me watch an episode Maybe the worst thing I've ever seen it was a man of boring I don't even have words to describe if you want to be really bored, it was a lot worse, for example, than the Parker...

Not Parker Lewis, the... What's the movie that Parker Lewis is a knockoff of? Ferris Bueller. Ferris Bueller. There's a Ferris Bueller TV show. And then The New Munsters was a lot worse than the Ferris Bueller TV show. That sounds bad. Anyway, we've had a lot of fun on today's program.

Sure. Matt, it's been a joy to have you as the producer on the program. Thank you for your year of hard work. You two years of hard work. How long has it been? It was a year and a half. Year and a half. It feels like two years. It flew by. Not for me, it flew by. For me, it flew by. I felt like it felt like two years because of how much got done. Yeah. A podcast every week. Sure. What more should be done than a podcast per week? I mean, some would say two. Those people, they don't understand. Leave them wanting more. Yeah. Forever.

Yeah. That's what I say to people who try to re-up my gym membership. Sorry. Do you say leave them wanting more. More. Is that the saying? Yes. Shit. We have been doing leave them wanting none.

Leave them not wanting our show. Yes. That's what we've been focusing on. You're fucking up. You're supposed to leave them wanting. Leave them wanting to check out Dax Shepard. They've heard Dax Shepard's great. Yeah, he's married to Kristen Bell. Yeah, you miss her.

He was good on parenthood. Lead them to something else. It's leave them wanting more. Leave them wanting to check out Matt's other podcast and his stand-up comedy tour. Yes, please come see me. I'm going to be in Chicago at the Lincoln Lodge on August 19th and 20th, so come see that. And yeah, listen to Bad Hespara, the world's most moral podcast, or Pod Yourself a Gun, which we're going to be starting season one of Mad Men very soon.

Ooh. Steven Ray Morris, the producer of the program. Thank you, Steven. Glad to have you on board. We're gonna be starting season one of Mad Men very soon. Ooh. Yay. Steven Ray Morris, the producer of the program. Thank you, Steven. Glad to have you on board. Special thanks this week to Ariel, the Little Mermaid from the movie The Little Mermaid. Beautiful and icon. And of course, The Little Mermaid 2 as well, as well as the live action Little Mermaid.

And Little Mermaid on Ice. We were talking to the on Ice one. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And our theme music- It's why she sounded so cold. Our theme music, she's a real frigid one. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, and our theme music sounded so cold our theme music She's a real fridge. Sure. Well, she's dying out there. She's supposed to be in the water Just trying to break through the ice it's a very grim show I did not have fun not for kids kids You know in the Little Mermaid on Ice, it's like when human people put on those mermaid

tails to go swimming, it's like that only ice skating, which makes it a lot less exciting. Not fun. Yeah. Anyway, our music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Stephen Ray Morris, our producer emeritus, Brian Suny D. Fernandezandez. You can find us on Reddit, maximumfund.reddit.com. You can find us on Instagram at Jordan David Morris and at Jesse Thorne, very famous. We're on Facebook, facebook.com slash JordanJesseGo, et cetera, et cetera. We you. Love you.

Love you. Love you. Love you. Maximum fun. A worker owned network. Of artist owned shows. Supported. Directly. By you.