Jordan, Jesse, GO! - The MaxFunStore is Open!

Episode Date: November 5, 2009

Visit us at MaxFunStore.com.

Give a little time for the child within you, don't be afraid to be young and free. Unto the locks and throw away the keys, and take off your shoes and socks and run you. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. And I'm Jordan Morris, boy detective. And this is... Jordan, Jesse, go! Icicles, tricycles, ice cream, candy, lollipops, popsicles, licorice sticks, Solomon, friendly, go.

We finally learned where the Ku Klux Klan was founded. It turns out Oakland, California. Let's go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I am Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Joining us on today's program, an old friend of ours, great stand-up comedian, great sketch comedian. A pretty good sketch comedian.

A very good sketch comedian. It's not, you know, if he were to pick one. He would probably pick the stand-up. Sure. But he also does sketch comedy with our pals Alex Cole and Brent Weinbach in Boom Time. Mr. Moshe Kasher. Moshe, welcome to Jordan, Jesse, go. Hello.

Thank you. Thanks for having me. How long have you lived here? Because we got to know you. When we got to know you, you were living in the San Francisco Bay Area. We were doing shows together with Prank the Dean in Boom Time. Yeah, I moved to this podcast about six months ago. And I've been just keeping silent ever since.

You've been keeping a low profile. But I'm here to slang some jokes now, y'all. What's up? Yeah, you're in here. I'm in here and I'm ready to swim weird. You're going to rock this crowd. If you don't mind my asking, what's the rent on this podcast? Rent?

Very, very low. Very low. Yeah. Jordan, you should know that. Yeah. You've seen your paycheck. It's no Sound of Young America. That's where the money is. The big money's in public broadcasting, Jordan. You know that. I know that. Yeah. You've seen your paycheck. It's no Sound of Young America. That's where the money is.

The big money's in public broadcasting, Jordan. You know that. I know that. Everybody knows that. Sure. Moshe's got a brand new comedy CD, which I should have in front of me so that I could tell you exactly what it's called. But it's called something like Everybody Dies. The name of the album, I wrote it.

It's called Everyone You Know Is Going to Die and Then You Are Unless You Die First. That's pretty good. Thanks. It's a mouthful, but it's true. Yeah. It is true. It's undeniable. I have an important question for you guys.

This is something that has really been bothering me. It's been all up in my business, and I don't know what to do about it. I sincerely need help with this. Okay. Are you guys members of any savings clubs? I'm talking about grocery store, drug store, savings clubs, where you swipe your card, give them your phone number. Yes.

When I was a PA. Prince Albert. Yes. When I was a gentleman's cock ring. Only gentlemen have cock rings Sure exactly yeah No roustabouts They don't let them if they go in for a cock ring Hello good sir here is my cock ring

Come back after you've been to a cotillion They say There's no boutonniere on that lapel Cotillion music Cotillion music is actually just a bunch of men Like slamming their cock rings against a glass table Sure, and then young people learn the foxtrot I enrolled in the Ralph's Club Because I would have to go to Ralph's once a week

And buy the food to stock the production kitchen And if you're not in the club, then you're leaving money on the table. Yeah, well, and Ralph's was running a deal back in the day where if you racked up so many club points, you would get a free chicken. A free roasted chicken. Not a live chicken.

Yeah, no, like one of those heavily spiced chickens in the bags that they have at grocery store. The spicy chicken. It costs a lot. Spiced chicken. It's not a spicy chicken motion. It's been spiced. Needless to say.

You know what they called it? Spiced chicken. It's a spiced chicken. Happy holidays. Happy holidays, everyone. Spiced chicken. I would get a clove orange. You're thinking of a mulled chicken

That's right That's when you impregnate it with cinnamon sticks With my mull Which is your dick And Jordan I think you're thinking of a Martin mulled chicken I am I'm thinking of a Martin short speaking of my dick Hi-yo

Small dick Okay so if you got us If you got us a number of points. Anyways, you're getting a chicken. Needless to say, it costs a lot of money to stock a production kitchen. I was raking in about a chicken a week, and for someone on a very kind of low salary, that's quite exciting.

That's a lot of spice. So I had very good feelings about the club card, but I guess that's been discontinued. No one – The club card? No, no, the getting a chicken. Okay, so what do you get now? A pheasant?

I would think if they're going to go anywhere, they're going to go game bird. A lovely fat goose. Did you say gay bird? Game bird. We don't talk like that here. Come on. Actually, I don't know how we talk. How do we talk?

How would you say we talk on the show, Jordan? Frankly. Yeah, frankly. Frankly. Frankly what? About problems that teens are having? Well, you know, I first got pregnant when I was like 14, and everybody was doing it, and I figured, why not?

You wanted something to take care of. Yeah, and I'm a sureño, but I... As we were discussing earlier. Moshe and I, before the show started, we were talking about local gangs. It's just a fun thing that urban guys like Moshe and myself like to talk about. Both Bloods, Crips, Norteños, Sureños,

and of course MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang. Both local gangs and loco gangs. Hello. I heard that the Bloods and the Crips came to a truce recently. They frequently come to a truce. It's just a publicity stunt. Yeah, it's interesting. It's like WWF wrestling.

Yeah, I feel like Los Angeles' media is so obsessed with gangs that a gang really can put on a publicity stunt. True. So when they did The Truth, they were all wearing Stride gum t-shirts. Exactly. This truth brought to you by Stride. They were holding that little lawn gnome for orbits. Oh, yeah, yeah.

This is the problem that I've been having with my grocery club. Number one, I'm uncomfortable with the idea of the grocery club. It's not actually a savings to you. It's just a way to trick you into letting them track exactly everything that you buy. Sure. Real talk. That's true and correct. True and correct.

That's true and correct. True and correct. And so there was a period when they first got invented when I was like 14, 15 years old. Now, who invented the club? That was Archibald Flapdoodle, I think it was. Archibald Flapdoodle, 1892, invented the club. But they weren't actually popularized until the early 1990s. Until they invented the supermarket, which came after the supermarket club. Right, exactly.

They needed a gathering place for the club members. And, of course, a benefit for joining the club. So I have to admit, when it comes to dork jokes you made when you were 14, there was a brief period when my Safeway Club membership was under the name of George Orwell. Okay. Nerd. Very dorky.

Extremely dorky. Mine was under Dr. Dre, bitch. What's up, y'all? First name Dr., last name Dre. Last name, Trey. So that was fine. Frankly, that was fine because I felt like, well, at least I didn't give them my real name. And I had made up an address.

So when you give them your information. So they know my profile, but at least they don't know exactly who I am. Was it like 1984 way or something? No. Big Brother Avenue. 1984 Big Brother Way, something like that. Nerdville, California. So it was, you know, it was what it was. And that worked fine for a little while.

I've never carried the card. I'm sure you guys don't carry the card. There's no need to carry the card. This is 2010. Yeah, you just give your phone number. Yeah, you just type your phone number into the little pad while they're ringing up. Now, here's the problem when when i was uh a youth and even still sometimes today my mom for additional income would board english as a second language students okay so students who uh students

who were learning english at a an english college in san francisco Francisco would stay at our house for a few months and live in the back bedroom. And you would teach them English. And we would teach them. I would teach them English. In the back bedroom. It's funny. I developed a system.

My mom for extra income used to suck men's penises. Right. Sure. In the back bedroom. Yeah. Absolutely. Penis as a second language Martin Mull

So she would specifically fillet Martin Mull He's a wealthy celebrity Yeah, right He's interested in patronizing He's got to spend that Fernwood tonight money somewhere. He was a wealthy patron, and my mother would fillet him. Okay, so we had these ESL students staying in our house, and one of them was named Martin Metzger.

Martin Metzger at some point went to Safeway and bought something that required a Safeway Club discount. And they said, would you like to sign up for the Safeway Club? And he was an English as a second language student, wasn't exactly sure what was going on. They roped him into signing up for a card. Yeah, the hard sell. Yeah, exactly. Now, this was before the age of the ubiquitous cellular telephone.

So the telephone number that Martin provided to the people at Safeway was my home phone number, my mother's home phone number. Now, when I go to Safeway, they always say to me, and this is something that they developed a while into the club program. So for a while, that was completely irrelevant. But a while, a few years into the club program, they developed a computer system that would tell the checker the name of the person whose thing had, who was using their club card. And so the checker always says, thank you very much, Mr. Kasher, when you check out. For instance.

For example. No, no, no. Not for example. Always. That's what he always says. Thank you very much, Mr. Kasher. So at this point, you're just lucky that your last name happens to be Kasher. It's a stage name.

I heard about the club thing and I changed it over to Moshe Kasher. It was Moshe Metzger. I heard about the club thing and I changed it over to Moshe Kasher. It was Moshe Metzger. So now whenever I go to the grocery store and buy something with my club card, they say, thank you very much, Mr. Metzger. Now, it's been like this for years. I've become comfortable with the fact that these people are going to address me as Mr. Metzger.

I've never, in my adult life, frankly, I have never shopped regularly at Safeway. That's never been the place where I go for my groceries. You know, it's just somewhere where you go when I stop by if I need a half gallon of milk or something like that. I'm more of a Trader Joe's man, as you know, Jordan, certainly. And I also know because I just saw you there. We ran into each other at Trader Joe's. Oh, that's cute.

It was very cute. We ran into each other two days in a row. It's only been recently, and I should have known this, We ran into each other at Trader Joe's. Oh, that's cute. It was very cute. We ran into each other two days in a row. Oh, my God. That's true. It's only been recently, and I should have known this. It was only brought up to me that Trader Joe's employees have to comment on something in your cart when you check out. Like, that's a- That's a roar at Trader Joe's.

It is. I have not noticed that. Really? Yeah, I just thought it was the friendliest place in town. Nope. It's a trick. And they're union busters, so. Yeah, right, I just thought it was the friendliest place in town. Nope. It's a trick. And they're union busters, so. Yeah, right.

I know. But they have Hawaiian shirts. Yeah. We do have Hawaiian shirts, which is how you can tell they're friendly. I can remember one time where someone, one of the dudes commented on something. I'm like, oh, this seems like a nice dude. Had like a funny beard. And I'm like, I'll chat him up while I'm getting checked out.

And I feel like I tried to continue the conversation and he just got the most annoyed look on us. I'm like, I'll chat him up while I'm getting checked out. And I feel like I tried to continue the conversation and he just got the most annoyed look on his... I'm like, what? You brought this up and it only recently became clear to me that he didn't want... Can I ask you a clarifying question? You may. Was it Martin Mull? It was. It was actually Bob Balaban.

It was Bob Balaban. Archibald Flapdoodle. Yeah. So, generally speaking, this hasn't been an issue for me in my life I've just come to accept it However recently my wife Began a new job and my wife's new job Is out in this Northern part of Los Angeles

Near CalArts That is It's just the most sad depressing Place in the entire world Valencia California Youencia, California. You would say more than Haiti? I would say – well, Haiti has a colorful local culture. You mean the black people?

Ventura just has – or what's it called? Valencia. Valencia just has acclaimed jumpers. They have acclaimed jumpers in Haiti now. There was a point where my wife had been working there for two weeks and the owners were going to take her out to lunch. They were stunned that she had never been to a Claim Jumpers. Oh, yeah. She's never had the giant prime rib.

Delighted at the opportunity to finally get to introduce her to one of America's finest dining establishments. This is – oh, for the people who – is Claim Trapper more than a Southern California thing? I think it's a Southern California-focused thing. I think it's more than a Southern California thing, but I think it's based in Southern California. I guess we should explain this as a Gold Rush-themed restaurant. Yeah, it's sort of like – it's in the vein of an Outback Steakhouse. Yeah, yeah. If you replace Australia with Gold Rush.

Yeah, all the servers are Chinese indentured servants. Exactly. Old school. They actually send your laundry back to China on a junk, on a Chinese junk. Oh, is that a thing? Yeah, Chinese junk. It's got a Chinese boat, it's called. So my wife lives in this wasteland, and the only place to eat lunch besides Claim Jumpers and In-N-Out Burger is Safeway.

So she goes to Safeway every day to buy herself a sandwich or something for lunch. And she is worried because she is starting to develop a relationship with the people at Safeway. She sees the same because it's – there's's only during lunchtime on a weekday there's only three or four checkers working and it's the same three or four checkers every weekday it's the ones who've been there for a long time and they have begun to know her as mrs metzger at what point does she take action on this does she a tell them that her name is not Metzger B. Sign up for a thing using our home address and telephone

number which will you know we'll start getting coupons from Safeway in the mail or whatever 3. Just change the name on my mom's account so now when my mom goes to the thing they'll say thank you very much Teresa Thorne Can't you just do say, thank you very much, Teresa Thorne.

Can't you just do the – can't she just put Teresa Thorne but then a fake address? Maybe, but that would require her to actually sign up for an account. Yeah. Which seems like – I'm not sure if that's worth the work. Yeah. I'm going to be honest with you. Sure, we've talked about it for 20 minutes already. Sure, which – yeah. I could have been be honest with you. Sure, we've talked about it for 20 minutes already. Sure, which, yeah.

I could have been filling it out for her. It had that crescendo punchline at the end where – Where Martin Mull comes in and sprays us all with his famous confetti. Right. Well, I was in the store yesterday. It's funny that you just did a thing on a podcast, a confetti-throwing gesture. Yeah. Yesterday, it's funny that you just did a thing on a podcast, a confetti-throwing gesture.

So Jesse just threw confetti, fake psychic confetti into the air for all of us. Yeah. Are you concerned she might be trying to secretly marry someone who works at Safeway under the name Mrs. Metzger and then she'll have like a double life? I am concerned she's leading a double life. Somebody at the Safeway deli counter. Think about the shit she could do at the Safeway just to kind of cause trouble under the name Mrs. Martin Metzger. She could be pissing in the dairy aisle, frankly. She probably is. Yeah, do you think this is like a Beyonce, Sasha Fierce situation where this is her more rowdy alter ego? She's been talking about making a double album, and I didn't know why not just a single disc

under her famous Teresa Thorne persona. Things are changing. Well, you know, because it's... Okay, don't... Because I had been... Here's the thing. I had been encouraging her to continue to work with Rich Harrison because I love his go-go influence, Soul Beats.

I don't know who that is. Nor I. But I find that more and more she wants to party with Swizz Beatz. She wants to talk to Swizzy. Swize. Swize. Swazzy. As he's known.

Swazzy. Well, he certainly is known as being very Swize. All right. You know, Swizdom comes from I was in Vons yesterday, speaking of this topic and I didn't have my thing my little card or whatever and then the guy was

kind of copping attitude and I'm like can you just pop a thing in and then the guy next to me, I was like well, do you have one? Because you know how you can do that can you have one? and he's like, well, I can give you my phone number. And he, like, gave the checker my phone number. But he was, like, kind of, like, gay, I would say, by, just by my sort of judgment of him.

And then he gave me this. Like a harsh negative judgment. I don't know. I mean, hell, going to hell kind of thing. But I, he gave the number and then he gave me this look at the end. And I couldn't identify the look. Was it, like, get your shit together, get your own own fucking bonds card or remember that phone number and give me a call for anal sex you know like i couldn't tell which one he was telling me it's a fine line it is often

maybe it maybe it was both maybe it's like get yourself a bonds card then call me like if you get if you get the bonds card i don't reward you i don't want no scrubs but if you get the Vons card, I will reward you. I don't want no scrubs, but if you get a Vons card. Anal pounding. That should be the... Okay. We're just going to leave this unresolved. I don't think we can... No, just have her fill out a new one with a fake address.

That's it. Yeah, right. It literally takes two minutes to fill out one of these cards. Would it be fun if she wrote that her name was Sasha Fierce? I think that would be fun. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, go. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Love you, love you, love you You asked me what the difference between The Sound of Young America and George Jesse Go was. You didn't tell me anything. I don't work for this podcast.

You do. He's got a point, Jesse. Moshe, this is like a job interview. You're supposed to come in with a few questions for us. How was I to know? How had I but known? I would have. All right, fine.

I know what I'll ask. Okay, what do you got for us? What can this podcast do for me in my career? Oh, nothing. lot oh we can do a lot there's some disagree i was gonna say nothing and you're saying a lot somewhere in the middle sidebar sidebar yeah jordan um he can't hear us right now because we're in sidebar sure um the code of silence guys guys motion hello hold on motion it's okay just be quiet for a minute. We'll be back. Okay.

I think we should tell him that this can do a lot for him. But that's a lie. This guy is sucking dick for money. He's got nowhere to go but up. I've been on this fucking thing. What have I got out of it? Jesse?

You're on Fuel TV. Moshe, it's going to be fine. Where am I right now? Moshe, get your mouth off my dick. Real funny. Let's talk to him. Let's talk to be fine. Where am I right now? Moshe, get your mouth off my dick. Real funny. Let's talk to him. Let's talk to him. Okay.

Moshe. Hey, guys. What's up? Have you ever heard of a celebrity named Mr. Martin Mull? He was nothing before he came on our podcast. He didn't even have a mustache. Then he got the job as Roseanne's boss on Roseanne, where he was able to meet David, Darlene, Becky, the other Becky. So he's doing pretty good.

Roseanne's sister. Yeah. What was Roseanne's sister's name? Jackie. Jackie, that's right. She was an alcoholic. Roseanne's sister Jackie. Can we talk about Roseanne for a second?

Yeah, sure. I really like Roseanne. That's funny. Isn't Roseanne a funny show? Yeah, I mean, John Goodman's great on it. Yeah, and... Roseanne is great on it, too. Mm-hmm, sure. I really like Roseanne. That's funny. Isn't Roseanne a funny show? Yeah. I mean, John Goodman's great on it. Yeah. Roseanne is great on it, too.

Sure. They're both great. Lots of prestigious writers in its day. Oh, yeah, really? Is that right? Yeah. I didn't know that. James L. Brooks, of course.

Sure. Rob Reiner. James Earl Jones. Joss Whedon's first writing job. Really? Mm-hmm. Joss Whedon's first writing job was on Roseanne. Norm MacDonald.

I knew that Norm MacDonald wrote for it. God blessanne. Norm MacDonald. I knew that Norm MacDonald wrote for it. God bless Norm MacDonald. Sure. Do you think Norm MacDonald... I think Robert Smigel, too. Really? Yeah. We might need to confirm that, but... Internet. I love Roseanne, so that's a good place to start. But anyway, I think

the moral of the story here, Moshe, is... David from Roseanne was in Christmas Vacation. No. Have you seen... He was the son. Have you seen the guy that got the Alex... Not Alex. Family Ties, right?

Sure. The youngest... Jonathan, maybe? The youngest son? The new son that they brought in to revitalize it? I'm aware that that happened, but I never really watched the show. Well, anyway, that guy got arrested recently for something weird, then they showed his mugshot and it is insane full butterfly neck tattoo yeah big plugs he looks he's like a grateful dead like street you know the criminal hippies you know like not the not

the good hippies but like the danger hippies danger hippies in fact once actually i once saw on hate street in san francisco a full war between like the black thugs and the danger hippies. And it was like – it was crazy. Like the thugs all had like 40 bottles and like baseball bats. And this is literally true. Danger hippies had rain sticks. You think I'm kidding. The danger hippies had like walking staffs and like – I'm not joking.

Like rocks. Hand drums. Amulets of protection. I can only imagine crystal and kind of like quartz and like – yeah, right. And like wizardry and it was equal. And as a white – Just jagged, broken off pieces of dragon bombs. That's right.

Right. They would just like break off stalactites of their own body odor and throw it at them. But I have to say that as a white kid that grew up in an urban setting in Oakland, I'm from Oakland, that there is a sort of – and I don't think it's racist. I think it's more like – This is probably going to be racist. No, it's not though actually. I think it's more like just like irony and like a little bit of like sort of vindication

for childhood. more like just like irony and like a little bit of like sort of vindication for childhood it was it's kind of pleasant when you see a bunch of thugs lose a fight to a bunch of like white like like you're saying that you were happy that there was a race war you would like to see more all i'm saying is that the time for rahua has come which is the racial holy war jordan you probably don't know a lot about Rahua being from Orange County. No, sure. I mean, Moshe's from Oakland, the home. The home of Rahua.

The legendary home of the Ku Klux Klan is based, of course, in Oakland, California. That's the Hells Angels, I think is what you mean. Black Panthers and the Hells Angels. Actually, the Hells Angels are kind of racist, right? Yeah, the Hells Angels are racist. The Hells Angels are kind of racist, right? Yeah, the Hells Angels are racist. The Hells Angels are loose cannons. That's true. I think that there's a weird thing going on with biker culture in America, which is-

Tell me about it. And that it still exists. We kind of associate biker culture with the 55-year-old guys who ride around on Harley Davidsons and are fat. You know these guys that I'm talking about? It's just a guy who bought a Harley Davidson. But the actual bikers, there was a – they broke up a biker gang about a year ago here in California. And they talked about some of the shit they did. And it was fucking horrifying.

Oh, yeah. It was way, way, way worse than any story about a street gang, with, of course, the exception of MS-13, the world's most dangerous gang. Yeah, yeah. But the shit that was going down in this biker gang... Like what? ...was in fucking sane.

I don't know. They were, like, cutting off people's hands and shit. Wow. And, like, the volume of drugs that they were removing because the because the thing is is that the bikers the the um you know the the street gangs what you think of as the street gangs they're they're still running the crack cocaine and your marijuana distribution in America's cities. But these biker guys are the ones who are building the meth labs and the exploding meth labs in fucking Salinas. Sure.

Fact. Okay. Crank, the drug crank got its name from being transported in the crank case of Harley Davidson bike gangs. That's how it got its name, Crank. And at the same time, America seems to think that bike gangs are a charming delight. Is that true?

Well, have you seen Pee-Wee's Big Adventure? I have. Have you seen a little movie called Old Hogs? What was that movie called? I think you're confusing Old Dogs and Wild Hogs. Okay, Wild Dogs. Which is crazy that you did that. Sorry, sorry guys.

Yeah, no, I think there's the biker gangs and then there's just the old dads who dress up like the biker gangs on the weekend. The only difference, by the way, between the two is that one group cuts off your hand. And the other group works in real estate. They're left up on crank. And they take the crank. That's why. Do you think, okay, how about this? Now, if I'm not mistaken, Moshe,

you're an expert on Rehoa, right? I am an expert on racial holy war. Yes, go ahead. What would you like to know? I'd like to know. There has never been a Moshe that was not an expert on Rachel Holywar. Sure.

Go ahead. Given, I mean, there have been millions of cashers who are not experts on that. There's cashers everywhere. That's why it's the go-to name for the Safeway checkout. Six million to be specific. Who do you think wins in this fight? I mean, you've already. The whites.

You're used to handicapping these fights. Listen to the rest. Biker gang dads. What? Or the most, in my opinion, in my view, easily the most formidable group of dads that I've ever seen in my time here on Earth, the cholo dads.

Oh, cholo dad or biker dad? Now, cholo dads, bikers, you're looking at big men. Aren't all Cholos Dads? Many Cholos are dads, but not all Cholos who are fathers are Cholo Dads. I think the Cholo Dad is a very specific demographic category. It's a combination of demographics and, of course, psychographics. Speaking of things that are racist, all Mexicans have girlfriends. Am I making – it's like a thing.

It's like a thing. Like they're so – I'm so – Like having a girlfriend is a thing? It's like making i don't it's like a thing it's like a thing like they're so i'm so having a girlfriend it's like i don't know i i can't find anyone i guess i'll just have to sign up for match.com or something i'm so emotionally unavailable that i notice things like this like young mexicans are in relationships a lot it's's interesting. It's racist. Is this racist? No, I think it's interesting. I think it's like my haina, and there's a whole romantic culture where they dedicate oldies to each other.

Do you know about that? Oh, we've talked about it. Yeah, that's been a topic before. We've talked about people dedicating oldies to each other. I used to do that. Wait, are you talking about low-riding oldies? This is a good story.

Yeah, I guess I am. Yeah. When I was a youth, i wanted i wanted to be how does rock and roll gangster go that's not how it goes go away oh girl okay so when i was a youth, I wanted to be black. Sure. Very much.

Well, you grew up in Oakland. Where everyone wants to be black. Yeah. Even the Klan. Originally, a lot of people don't know this. Originally, the Klan was a group of African-American culture aficionados. That is correct. And then they got soured.

There was a deal went wrong. And it's not even about racism. It's really about an old debt. I did an interview the other day where the interviewer asked me in so many words but literally asked me why do you want to be black whoa but do you want to be black not really i'm happy with being white it's great it was funny that you said though i do like rap music though you said in that thing that the interviewer asked you you did actually say that i don't know if that was i don't i don't now moshe no okay so look okay so when i was a youth i wanted to be black and somehow i met a girl but i never actually physically met her just sort of the way that you do when you're in junior high school

this girl in san francisco who wanted to be mexican she was also white and we started going out but only on the phone and our entire and i never i literally never met this girl how do you start going out on the phone with someone i don't know you know just talk and you remember when you're young you talk for hours and hours and stuff like that yeah but no but it has what's the how what was the impetus how did you how did you even get each other's phone numbers because i knew her cousin and i think her cousin wanted to be both mexican and black and that was the cultural bridge that brought us together and our whole relationship i never met her but our whole relationship was a lot of hoop earrings i'm gonna going to guess there were a lot of

hoop earrings going on. Definitely hoop earrings. And all we did was dedicate oldies to one another. Wow. Oldies, dedication, and then we just broke up. Because you feel like she was, maybe she rededicated the same oldie, and you're like, you're not in this anymore. No, it's just that I

dedicated a Baroque concerto to her, and she said that was a little too oldie. Yeah, it's a little too old. Oh, yeah. This is moving way too fast. She's like, if you dedicated a song by the Orioles to me, that would be pretty old. That's old. That's old.

I don't want to hear green sleeves. Yeah. Oh, here's something about Mexican relationships. A really cool part about a Mexican neighborhood on Valentine's Day is you drive by the bus stops and all the teen girls are all holding giant stuffed animals bigger than them. Yeah, well, you know, I – this is not a thing. And like balloons and stuff. I grew up in a largely Mexican-American neighborhood in San Francisco. But this – I think the selling things on the street culture was very different in the largely Mexican-American neighborhood that we – that I used to live in here in Los Angeles. The day before and the day of Valentine's Day, street vendors selling the most outrageously enormous and also spectacularly shitty Valentine's Day gifts. Yeah, all those stuffed animals just look filthy.

There's like pink rabbits with giant brown spots on them. You know what they remind me of? They remind me of, and you're from Oakland Motion. You might be able to relate to this. They remind me of, and you're from Oakland Motion, you might be able to relate to this, a store that sells sneakers where the sneakers that are on the shelf for you to look at them are shrink-wrapped. Oh, yeah, I've seen that. Yeah. You know what I'm talking about.

So that's every, to me, that was everything that they were selling was something that's randomly and poorly shrink-wrapped. Yes. But not shrinked because it was big. No, not shrinked because it was big. No, not shrinked because it was big. It was quite the opposite motion. Quite the opposite. Another thing about Mexican culture, and this isn't racist. We crossed that threshold a while ago.

Another thing is that all Mexicans are lazy and terrible people. Have you noticed that? That's funny. They are. Sorry. No, I was just going to say that my mother has a master's degree in Latin American studies. Did you notice that? Sure. That's funny. They are. Yeah, sorry. Yeah, you were... No, I was just going to say that my mother has a master's degree in Latin American studies. Oh, to give yourself a little credibility.

I feel like I need something here. The back room. Yeah. The back room. The ESL back room. Yeah. I spent a lot of time in the Mexican Museum in the La Raza Cultural Center as a child. Sure.

I just don't want people to think we're racist, Jordan. Well, we are kind of racist. Rahua, guys. Rahua. Yeah, Moshe's right. Okay, well, should we bring... Let's bring the racism segment here. What were we talking about

before we were talking about biker gangs? I don't know. Jordan, this is a free-flowing conversation. Okay. I'm just saying there might have been something there that we should go back to. One thing about biker gangs, though, is that a lot of them are very Okay. I'm just saying, there might have been something there that we should go back to. One thing about biker gangs, though,

is that they are, a lot of them are very unhealthy. They're very fat. So they're not as intimidating because of how large they are. Like, once they get off of their

fast horse, they're a steel chariot. Yeah. You know what I mean? What are they going to do to me? You know what I mean? I mean, I would,

if there was a Hells Angel here right now, I would look at him and I would be like, you want, you know, I would just be like, come get it. If you feel froggy, leap. You know what I mean, if there was a Hells Angel here right now, I would look at him and I would be like, you want, you know, I would just be like, come get it. If you feel froggy, leap. You know what I mean?

Yeah, I was going to say. I'm not afraid. So you would say to this, let's role play this real quick. You're going to be the Hells Angel? I'll be a Hells Angel. What can I be? You can be my girlfriend. You'd be Mexican. You'd be my fat girlfriend.

Fat girlfriend. You already were his fat girlfriend. Did you say something to my fat girlfriend? No. Are you talking to my fat girlfriend? Wait, are we already doing that right now? Okay, sorry. Jordan's not really my girlfriend. Okay, okay, okay.

Keep going, guys. I was in character. I was fine. Sorry. No, are you okay? For me, the reality of the bit is still here. Okay, are you on board for this? Yeah. I have a line I'm going to say. You do? Yeah, yeah, keep going. No, you have a non-speaking part.

Oh. I didn't tell you that your part's non-speaking? Look charismatic. I don't want to pay the fucking ass cap. Yeah, you have to pay me scale if I say anything. I don't want to pay you the BMI. I want to pay the ass cap. Okay, let's do the role play here real quick.

Did you say something about my girlfriend? Do you call my girlfriend fat? I mean, no. So I'm going to cut you up. You want me to cut you up? If you feel froggy, then leap, for I am a Jew. Okay, that's good. That's enough.

More food and drugs, please. I'm going to say that, you fat hog. You wild fat hog. Moshe, I have a question. I'm going to say that, you fat hog. You wild fat hog. Moshe, I have a question. I have a question for you. We mentioned that you and I ran into each other two days in a row. True. One of those days was at the Silver Lake Reservoir here in Silver Lake, Los Angeles.

You and your brother were running around the reservoir for exercise. What were you doing at the reservoir? Hiding a body? Yeah. Hiding a body. With your dog. Yeah. Come on.

Me and my pup were. Coco digs a little hole. You want to go hide a body? You want to go hide a body? Yes, you do. Yeah, come on. Let's go. So I saw you guys out there.

And certainly you alluded that you're a member of the Chosen People. I'm a Jew. Jehua. Jehua. There's not a lot of Jews trying to start the racial holy war. I'm the only one. I couldn't help but notice this. You're named Moshe.

I couldn't help. That is very observationally astute. Which is a very Jew name. That's true. There's not a lot of Goyim named Moshe. There's probably none. There may literally be no. Actually, Jordan's given name is Shlomo.

Sure. I just thought you knew that. I changed it because there's already a Shlomo Morris in show business. Is your name really Shlomo? No, it's not. Well, Shlomo, interestingly, is King Solomon. It's actually his Hebrew name is King Shlomo. And Solomon is like a Greek-sized.

But it's so funny. The wisest king of all time, King Solomon. The wisest king of all time, King Solomon, but it sounds so funny. The wisest king of all time, King Shlomo. Why don't you split the baby? It doesn't sound wise. Anyway. And he's supposed to have had a thousand wives.

I have a thousand wives. Shlomo. Shlomo loves to fuck. A thousand wives I've got around here. Call me Shlomo. I like fucking women. Boy, and that's a thousand mothers-in-laws. What am I going to do? So you're at the reservoir, and Moshe, you're a guy who I would not – if I saw you on the subway, I wouldn't – my mind wouldn't instantly go, that guy's name is Moshe.

Okay. But I'm perfectly comfortable that guy's name is Moshe. Okay. But I'm perfectly comfortable accepting that your name is Moshe. What would the guy be? He would be kind of Jew-y. Do you not think I'm like Jew-y? You look totally – you look perfectly, but you look no more Jew-y than I do. People often assume that I'm Jewish because my name is Jesse, a name from the Hebrew Bible. Yeah. And I have dark hair and a light complexion. I'm Jewish because my name is Jesse, a name from the Hebrew Bible.

And I have dark hair and a light complexion. I'm not. Are you? No, I'm not, but I get Jewish as well. Okay, so you wouldn't... But you're perfectly reasonable. It makes a lot of sense. But I have to say that your brother looks like something from the cover of a Hardy Boys

novel. Like non-Jewish your brother looks like something from the cover of a Hardy Boys novel. Like non-Jewish? He looks like the goiest goy of all goys on earth. You know, my brother's an Orthodox rabbi. Really? That's spectacular. Yeah. Infiltration.

Slow-mo. What's it like for him? Is he discriminated against because he looks like he should be on the cover of a Boys novel from the 1920s? From other Jews? Like, you don't look... I think you maybe... Maybe your repressed homosexual fantasies have kind of warped. I think he looks pretty Jewish. Really?

He's got like a crook... He's kind of crook-nosed. Does he? He's got a lot of money. Maybe it was just because he was... He's always counting the money he does have. Yeah. Like, one, two...

You guys were both wearing sweatbands, I think. No. I might have been focused on the sweatbands you were wearing. That's interesting. I'm going too. You guys were both wearing sweatbands, I think. No. I might have been focused on the sweatbands you were wearing. That's interesting. I'm going to tell him about that,

that you think he looks non-Jewish. Just let him know I want to fight him. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe, did it originally look like maybe Moshe was running

from him because his brother was trying to round him up? I, we went to, I thought you were going to ask if he'd ever been discriminated against for being an Orthodox rabbi. We went to Turkey together, uh, the country, not the meat. And, uh, and they were straight up like anti-Semitic in Turkey.

Really? My brother wears a yarmulke. Yeah. So he was like very, he was broadcasting. I'm a Jew. They were straight up not cool. He also had one of those microphones with the little radio transmitter in it that sends out to all the things, whatever he says. And he kept saying, I'm a Jew, I'm a Jew, I'm a Jew.

And he was also slaughtering Muslim babies everywhere we'd go, which the Turkish are really weird about. But like everybody, whenever I tell people that we had like a negative experience in Turkey, people are like, oh my god, I went to Turkey. People are so friendly. But I propose that any country that is only cool to you if you're not wearing a little hat is not a cool country. In fact, it's a bad country. Because you'd say that most countries have a healthy respect for little hats. That's correct. Especially Peru.

have a healthy respect for little hats. That's correct. Especially Peru, where they wear a lot of hats. So that's why, for example, in rural America, the circus strongman is so broadly respected because of his little tiny hat. Because he's such a big, strong man with such a little tiny hat, you know? Sure.

It's a real juxtaposition. I can understand that. I just want to announce that we're streaming this show live. We announced it on the Twitter. My Twitter is Young American. We put that up on the Twitter. And there's a chat room going on. There is a chorus, a cavalcade of disappointment that Jordan isn't Jewish.

There are chosen people in here. People seem perfectly comfortable with the fact that I'm not Jewish. I'm pretty upset about it too, actually. Yeah, no, hey, your mom would be disappointed if we got together. What'd you say about my mom? She would be disappointed if we got together. You should date a nice Jewish

boy. Someone also said that this stream of the show is enlightening because it's obvious that they don't edit the show at all. Which I think means that we're doing really badly. Is that what that means? I think that, yes.

This is funny. That's like a backhanded compliment. Who is it that said that? Terrence F. Hey, Terrence F., go F yourself. Is that F for F yourself? I hope so. Okay, so you think of the Jews in general as being a comedy-focused culture.

Okay. But I guess I know Jack about Orthodox Judaism. How do they feel about your sometimes bawdy stand-up comedy? I want to ask you a corollary question, Moshe. Is your brother an Orthodox Jewish rabbi because he became an Orthodox Jew as an adult or as a teenager or were you raised Orthodox? My brother is an Orthodox orthodontist. Okay. And we only do things in alliteration around my parts.

He works for Ortho. He works for Ortho. The best control company. Actually, I have an Uncle Ort as well. That is true. Isn't there Ortho mattresses too? There's also Ortho mattresses. He's an orthodox orthodontist sleeping on an Ortho mattress working for Ortho.

And when he was fighting in the Masters of the Universe series, his sidekick was Orko. Thank you. Thanks, everybody. And in related news, he's an orca or killer whale. And he's from a little planet called Ork. His name is Mork. I was trying to slip that one in too, but good job. Okay, Moshe, you were saying, what was the context in which you were raised?

My father was, he has died um reform no no dead um uh my father was in was an extremely orthodox jew okay black hat and doll okay however my four locks the whole nine yards four locks that sounds anti-Semitic. Okay, sorry. He was a Shylock. A greedy Jew. My father was greedy and controlled much of the media. Time magazine was his thing. He did that. He practiced usury, if I'm not mistaken.

Well, we all do, Jesse. We all do. And he was very religious. But my mother and father split when I was very young. And they were sort of religious together, sort of. And then as they split, my mother got less religious and my father much more. So that's what happened to them. How interesting.

Because the people in – the only two people who are close to me who are very observant Jews were both converts. And it's a really intense lifestyle that involves a very intense commitment to a community that I could hardly imagine two different parents having different positions on it. It's weirder than that. I grew up in Oakland, as I've mentioned, in a more or less secular culture. And then every summer I would go to New York and I would literally go from the airport to the Hasidic Jewish barber shop to get myself a nice Hasidic cut. Put on a white button-up. I mean I'm like a California street kid. You'd get off the airplane.

Literally. Head straight to the mohel. Straight to – I would get my penis cut even shorter every year. You would take off your t-shirt of the tasmanian devil sagging his pants that's correct i would take off my t-shirt my father would playfully twist and tease my nipples is that a i don't know i don't know what that was about he said that was that's what he said he said it was in the torah it is in the Torah. Tasmanian devil. Rabbinical teachings. No, but it was literally almost like that.

Like Tasmanian devil t-shirt, straight to the Hasidic thing, haircut, velvet yarmulke, button-up shirt, into the shtetl. My father lived in a place that was essentially a European shtetl. It's called Seagate in Brooklyn, and it is literally more people there. I have cousins who are third-generation Americans who speak with Yiddish accents, Eastern European accents, because they spoke Yiddish before they spoke English. They know Yiddish better than they know English. That's spectacular. Spectacular. So I would go from this California Taz kid to like, yaddle-daddle-daddle-daddle-die. And like seeing the Shylock, you know, Yenta or whatever. And like the trauma.

But now I'm funny. Where did you get laid more, Oakland or Jewtown? I would like to have in my story, in my repertoire, a story about how I bedded one of these Hasidic girls. That would, man. I mean, here's how religious that community was. We would play dodgeball games between the ultra-Orthodox kids and the really religious kids. You know what I'm saying? I was in the ultra-Orthodox group.

These kids were, so it would kids were Yiddish only speakers Versus English too Who's better at dodgeball Who do you think I have no idea It's definitely not the pale Racked with Tay-Sachs disease Hasidic kids

Both of the folks That I know Who converted to observant judaism one of them is our our pal claude brodesser ackner who converted as an adult uh to marry his wife taffy brodesser ackner taffy yeah taffy um uh and one is a very a very close family friend who converted when i was uh maybe 10 um they both had adult circumcisions. And that is... The only way to go. Un-fucking-believable to me.

God must be so amazing. God must be... Oh, to them. To them. The Muslims only get adult conversions. I mean, they're 13 years old. Wow. When you're a Muslim.

When you're a Muslim, you get a conversion at 13. My. You mean a circumcision? What did I just say? Conversion. Oh, yeah, circumcision. Sorry, that's what I meant. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, my goodness. Only. The whole billion. This is interesting. Historically, there's been many, many more converts. I probably started masturbating around then. I did, too. Historically, there's been many, many more converts to Judaism female

because it's a really steep entry price when you convert to Judaism as a male. You've got to be really on board for that shit. Yes. Holy mackerel. You have to cut your – and traditionally – Do you think for Claudic it was just the sweet sex of Taffy Brodesser-Ackner? She's like, sorry, I'm not giving it up unless – I'm not giving up that. She was like, let me see that Laffy Taffy. Let me see that Laffy Taffy Brodesser-Akner. He's like, she's like, sorry, I'm not giving it up unless, do you think it was I'm not giving up that.

He was like, let me see that Laffy Taffy. Let me see that Laffy Taffy. And she said, cut off your penis. Cut off your penis. And so that went. In that kind of

sing song way. Yeah, yeah. What was that group called? 5-4-D-L or something? Laffy Taffy group? Laffy Taffy group? I don't know. Okay.

Hip hop is the worst. Like, it's just degraded into nothingness. I've been listening to that song lately that goes, I'm trying to find the word to describe this girl without being disrespectful. You know what I'm talking about? No, I haven't heard that one.

It's a top 10. I listen to the oldies hip-hop station now. Oh, well, that stuff's still good. But this is like, the first part of the hook is like, this girl's so beautiful. And he's like, I'm trying to find the word to describe this girl without being disrespectful. And then the back hook goes, damn, you's a sexy bitch, a sexy bitch. So the premise of the song is that he wants to describe the girl without being disrespectful and what he came up with is you're a sexy bitch. Like in hip-hop culture –

He couldn't wrap his mind around the idea of not using bitch. Yeah, he's like, now that's not disrespectful. Maybe this is showing his dual nature. He has the – That's true actually. He doesn't try and fail. This is pretty like a sophisticated narrative. One of my favorite hip hop songs of all time that I love to hear on the oldies hip hop station

is Pitchin' on a Party by dj quick where where his his intro is hey mom i tried to make a song you could listen to with no cursing and shit and he goes oh well i tried but that's self-referential and like he's doing this is i don't believe this song i think this song you don't think this is i think this is in character is this sasha fierce sings a song if i'm not mistaken sasha gray sasha gray familiar mike metzger are you familiar with sasha gray no speaking of sasha i was at the m cafe the other day uh-huh and there was this jerk off sitting next to me talking on his phone this british jerk off just like we know the guy screaming yeah god right screaming into his phone and i was just like i hate this guy and i started talking louder and I was about to turn to him and say, buddy, shut the fuck up when I realized that it was Sacha Baron Cohen.

And then I just didn't mind as much anymore and really wanted him to like me. You're like, hey, yell louder. I really like when you yell. Please, please put me in a movie. Did you know Sacha Baron Cohen? Like when you yell, please, please put me in a movie. Did you know Sacha Baron Cohen, speaking of Jew brothers, did you know Sacha Baron Cohen has a brother who makes Jewish popular music?

No, really? Yeah, in Israel. Wow. He lives in Israel, is an observant Jew, and makes Jewish world music. Wow. He makes music. He does sort of dancey music, as you would expect for a guy that lives in Israel. Right. And he makes sort of dancey music.

And then he collaborates with these Jewish artists from around the world that do have traditional Jewish music styles in other places. Like African Jews have certain kinds of – and so on and so forth. African Jews is like, yo, yo, instead of oy, oy. Get it? Blacks and – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Re of oy, oy. Get it? Blacks and Rojo in the whole nine yards. That was the low point. That probably was the lowest point. Wait, I was gonna

say, you know who the most famous dance music group from Israel is? Are you familiar? C&C Music Factory. That's correct. They're a group called Infected Mushroom. Have you heard of them? Infected Mushroom. Have you heard of them? Infected Mushroom. Swear to God.

World famous. The world famous Infected Mushroom. Jordan, real quick. Who's your pick? Infected Mushroom or Mr. President? Oh, I thought we were going to talk about high five of teenagers. High five of teenagers. This is cool that you guys are having such an inside joke.

There's like a Korean boy band, or at least when we were in college, called H.O.T., High Five of Teenagers. And we used to make – we used to talk a lot about – we had one of our theme songs on the show was a song by this German pop group called Mr. President called JoJo Action. Now, JoJo was an amazing guy. He's down at the disco and so on. That's all you needed to say. And then someone introduced us to High Five of Teenagers, so we would talk a lot about H.O.T. One day,

Jordan and myself and our friend Brian back in Business Lane are walking down the halls of the dormitory talking about High Five of Teenagers. I believe by this point, Jordan was a resident advisor. And a girl from Jordan's hall goes, you guys like HOT? Oh, she knew him. A girl from Jordan's Hall goes, you guys like H.O.T.? Oh, she knew him. Not only did she know them, this girl was half African-American, half Korean. Her biggest connection to her Korean culture was that she was obsessed with Korean pop music. H.O.T.?

Sincerely loved High Five of Teenagers. That is a great band name. Speaking of all the things we've just been talking about. I actually had a Sasha Gray observation. Go. Let's do it. Oh, yeah. Sasha Gray is the kind of porn star turned actress.

Oh, she's an actress now? Well, she was in the Steven Soderbergh movie. Oh, yeah, sure. Sasha Gray. Okay. She was in The Girlfriend Experience. Yeah. And I tried to watch that the other day.

For a minute, I thought that was one of the X-Men. That's what I was assuming. Sasha Gray? Yeah. You think of Jean Grey. Jean Grey. Okay, there you go. The Phoenix.

The Phoenix. Both very powerful. Also, not to be confused with Jean Grey, the rapper formerly known as What What. Who probably was named after Jean Grey from the X-Men. Who, in turn, was named after Sasha Grey, the porn star. That's correct. Go ahead, Jordan.

Professor X? Rated X? Sure, that's fine. Yeah. That'll do it too. Absolutely. That's another way. X-Men's a porn thing, right?

I'm not familiar with it. I guess I'm not a nerd like you guys. Go ahead, Jordan. Sorry, Mr. Orwell. I was just going to say she was really bad in the movie like all the reviews that i read uh you know it seems like a great idea like she's playing an escort and everybody else in the movie is like a non-actor playing something similar to what they are um and i feel like all the reviews are saying like she you know

her like she the character is cold and distant i'm no, she's just a bad actress and doesn't, anyway. So I just felt kind of betrayed, like, all these good reviews. I'm sure it's just like if you're a reviewer and you say, the porn star is a bad actress, you probably just seem like a dick. But no, she's really bad. I want to ask a movie question, which is, you know, John Cameron Mitchell, the guy who made Hedwig and the Angry Inch. Good movie.

Great movie. A fantastic movie. If you watch one movie, transsexual musical. On Netflix streaming this year. Yeah, make it that. Great movie. I mean that absolutely sincerely. He followed that up with a movie with graphic sex in it called Short Bus with pee in the V and the whole nine yards and pee in the butt and –

Like penis or pee? Like pee pee. Urine. Okay, wow. Human urine. Pee in the butt. He actually had sex in that movie too. Like he was – there was some sort of orgy and he's like, yeah yeah, and I was in the orgy too. And I was just having sex anyway. Yeah. And he, and the movie is actually, it's not, I didn't think it was as good as Hedwig, but it was an interesting movie.

I thought it was a fun movie. And, you know, it wasn't really, I wasn't, didn't send me into the bone zone, but it was interesting. The premise was interesting. I don't know. Do you guys know, is he going to make more fuck movies? Is this the opening of a new genre of fuck movies? That was a long time ago he made that fuck movie. It seems like a long time ago.

It seems like if he was going to make another fuck movie, he would have done it by now. He hasn't made any other movies, though. Unless he's got some sort of Avatar equivalent of his next fuck movie that just takes eight years to make. That's what it is. Right now, he's working inside of his submarine. Yeah, he's in San Simeon, California. Are you suggesting James Cameron has a submarine? James Cameron totally has a fucking submarine.

And he makes movies. I'm just saying that's like Bushley Cameron. In between Titanic and Avatar, he made a little movie called Three Monsters of the Deep. Yeah. No, yeah. In preparation for Avatar, he was making these crazy underwater cameras. Drove around in a submarine and just... Anyways.

Yes. I saw a movie that Sasha Gray was in that I thought she was very good in. Mm-hmm. I'm just saying. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jessica. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Moshe Kasher, what did we say? Martin Mull.

Bear Jew. Falater. Bear Jew. Et cetera. This is great. That's the best nickname ever. Great to have Moshe Kasher here, is it not? It's enjoyable.

It's good to be here. Moshe, do you ever like to work on projects? I do like working on projects. What sort of project did you have in mind? Well, what kind of projects are you... Let's get an idea of what kind of project Moshe Kasher works on. Jordan Morris, you'll work on a project beating a level. Sure.

A video game level. A tough level, if there's a particularly difficult level. Or just trying to achieve my personal best. Sure. Absolutely. It's not about... Some games aren't level-based. Right.

Sometimes you just want to get a personal best. Plus, of course, you've got that collection of virtual Xbox trophies in your Xbox trophy room or whatever that's called. Well, Xbox are achievements on PlayStation. Those are trophies. your Xbox trophy room or whatever that's called. Well, Xbox are achievements on PlayStation. Those are trophies. Oh, okay.

Sorry. Just wanted to clarify that before it became a problem. I, of course, have an Xbox, so you can tell how many of these trophies I've got. I also have an Xbox 360.

Yeah. And I got it modded. Uh-huh. And I regret it because now I can't play Netflix streaming anymore. anymore oh that's a shame why did you why don't you know why i did why did you need it modded i don't know for like cheap games yeah i shouldn't even be saying this right yeah no they'll uh the fbi is gonna come

bust down your door fbi always listens to our show i've since for chatter you quit drinking yeah i'm sober god and so God. And so the Xbox 360. Yeah. You couldn't live a normal life the way that you were, the partying that you were doing. It was pretty wild. You described it as partying. I described it as self-destruction. In fact, I would have even said that you were headed for self-destruction.

I was just going to say self-destruction. You're headed for self-destruction. Moshe, what's a project that you like to work on? Is this like a sincere? Just projects. Yeah, projects. What kind of projects do you like to work on? Well, I do writing stuff.

So you like to sit down at a computer and crank out a few words? Yeah. I'm writing a book right now. Writing a book right now? Writing a book. Okay. Can you tell us what kind of book it is? I don't want to get into your private intellectual property.

It's my memoir, so nobody can steal it from me. Okay, sure. It's about that stuff. About the Jew stuff. I mean, Jew stuff and deaf stuff and drug stuff. Oakland stuff. Oakland stuff. Mostly Oakland stuff.

People being mean to you in Turkey. It's basically a coming of age. Between the sheets by the Isley Brothers. It's a coming of age story about teenage drug addiction the Isley Brothers. It's a coming of age story about teenage drug addiction. Okay, sure. But a comedy. Sure.

A humorous coming of age story. Oh, that's real. Yeah, it'll be good. And I got a weird story. I got the deaf, I got the Jew, I got the drug, I got the Oakland,

I got the whole thing. You got the whole nine yards. Jordan, do you have any other kind of projects that you like to work on besides just beating a video game level? No!

Yeah, that's what I figured. I am starting a new project today. What? And Jordan, I think, are you on board with this? Yes, I think we've discussed this. And yes, on board. Look, Jordan and I had an important meeting, Moshe. I'm just bringing you on board.

Jordan and I had a meeting. We went down to the Umami Burger. I had a Port and Stilton Burger. What kind of burger did you have? SoCal. I had the Catless SoCal Burger. SoCal Burger. I had a sweet potato fryilton burger. What kind of burger did you have? SoCal. SoCal burger. SoCal burger. I had a sweet potato fry.

Jordan ordered an onion ring. His onion ring's better than my sweet potato fries. One ring? One order. Okay. Awesome blossom? No, it was a standard ring. Standard blossom.

Yeah. These onions had not been blossomed. Yeah, these were pre-blossoming onions. They cut them down in the prime of their lives. Jordan and I had an important meeting. And the subject of this meeting was the future of Jordan and Jesse Go. We looked at what we've been doing. We looked at what we had planned.

And we realized that we needed something amazing. Now, luckily, I was there. Look, I mean, a lot of times Jordan will have a meeting at his house. I'm not invited. I joined Jesse Goh meeting. He'll come up with a great idea. I'm not saying that I'm always the one coming up with the great ideas. But A, this is the best idea in the history of the show.

B, this is the best idea I've ever had. C, this is the best idea anyone has ever had. Wow. All of the ideas? A, B, C. All of the best idea anyone has ever had Wow, all of the ideas? A, B, C All of the ideas? Better than like the scientific method or anything like that? Better than irrigation

Wow Better than peanut butter? This is better than the wheel Look at how far the Mayans got And they didn't even have the wheel If they had had this though They would have fucked up everybody I'm talking about the Aztecs

I'm talking about the Olmecs You know the Mayans did always have relationships, though. They're always in relationships. I've heard that. Always dedicating oldies. You should see the Mayan neighborhoods during Valentine's Day. Always dedicating oldies.

All the girls were walking around with human heads. You would be shocked at how many East Side Story LPs they found in the Mayan ruins at Palenque. Do you know what the Mayans did invent?

What did they invent? MS-13. The world's most dangerous gang? Yeah. It's cute how you guys have that. That's like a real cute buddy thing you guys have. You missed. They tried to high five and missed.

Next we're going to start talking about slim-fitting Oxford shirts. Yes. Slim-fitting Oxfords. Jesse, wait. I'm wearing a chambray? Is that what you're upset about? No. What was the idea?

Oh. What's this crazy idea? You guys both love accessorizing. Sure. Natch. You get your basics, and then you? Put it on a cock ring. No.

I was going to say accessorize. And you slam it against a piece of metal to create music for children to dance to. Accessorizing. Okay. In my mind, and of course I'm a fashion expert, as the host have put this on, accessorizing is the key to any look. And if you're looking to accessorize the best that you can accessorize,

you want to accessorize to the max. Okay. Now look, you're nearly to the max. I can notice that one of... I notice now that one of your accessories is a belt. It looks like a nice gross green belt with embroidered watermelons on it. That's correct. So that's an accessory that is almost to the max

because it's both about holding up your pants and about your racism. And my homosexuality. Right. Which is not real, by the way. Jordan. Right. Which is not real, by the way. Jordan. Yeah. All of this, long story short, is my way of introducing the Jordan Jesse Go Hat Contest. This is a contest.

People remember, people still talk to me about the high five contest. contest and hundreds of people across America did thousands of high fives with all sorts of strangers including but not limited to Yao Ming of the Houston Rockets. That is a big hand. Yeah and a big man. Big Chinese hand. It's a very high five. No doubt. I think you should have brought it in better though.

All of that is leading me up to introducing this The Jordan and Jesse go Ha We would have got the name of the hat contest Instead of like you Okay how about this can I do it one more time

It's your show All of that is build up only to this The greatest contest In the history of human civilization Jordan Jesse goes Hat's Hat Contest. I like it. Y'all ready for this? Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, all time Y'all ready for this Now, Jordan, we gotta put a time frame on this contest

It starts today Today is January something January 10th I'm gonna say through the end of February How does that sound? That's great Okay, through the end of February 28 days, of course, in February

A shortened month Be ready for that Are y'all ready for that? Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. Black History Month. Here's how the hat contest works. Of course, over the coming weeks, we'll be introducing categories for the hat contest. Jordan, you suggested one when we were eating lunch just the other day.

Do you remember what that was? God, I don't. Funniest hat? That was sexiest hat. Sexiest hat. Sexiest hat. Here's how it works. Jordan will be checking your emails.

You can email them to jjgoe at maximumfun.org. We want your short videos, your Flickr-length videos, your 15, 20 20 second videos, and still photographs of you wearing a hat or, and here's the kicker, Moshe. Tell me. Hats. What? The number one category, the overarching category in our hat contest is who can take a picture of themselves or preferably a video. I prefer a video because it shows that you're maintaining the hats.

It's not just – there's not a string through them or something. Who can wear the most hats? That's the big show. We basically want to see who can take a picture of themselves wearing the most hats. Over the coming weeks, we will introduce subcategories. And we'll be sending out little prizes to people. will introduce subcategories. And we'll be sending out little prizes to people. And when you email us at jjgoatmaximumfund.org, make sure to include your mailing address

if we want to send you a little prize. We will. But the key, the central feature of this is the hat contest. And of course, Jordan is going to be checking in on the hat contest. Officiating the contest, checking in on it regularly, posting some of the great photos and videos we get up on the Maximum Fun blog at MaximumFun.org, keeping an eye on what I'm sure will be a very, very lively forum topic on the hat contest on our Maximum Fun forum. Jordan, as the official who's going to be – can you tell me a little bit –

Efficient. Can you tell me a little bit about what you're going to be looking for in the Jordan Jesse Go Hat Contest? Yeah. I mean, photo composition. Sure. Very important. Making a funny face while you're wearing the hat. Yeah.

Yeah. Number of hats? Yeah. I mean, obviously number of hats. Yeah, I mean, obviously number of hats. But for like the subcategories, you know, just – it's not about who can buy the most opulent hat. It's not about who can – I don't want this to be exclusionary for people who don't have a lot of money to import some crazy hat. Jordan, Jesse, go. It's more about – It's already buy-in for rich people.

Sure. So we know that you're affluent yeah um so yeah so i think so i think just just spirit and enthusiasm and artfulness and here's the thing all going to be considered anybody can participate in this contest all you need poor people okay almost anybody can participate in this. Anybody with a subscription to the Rob Report can participate in this contest. All you need is some

headwear and a camera. There's no going in... You have to be legally in possession of the hats. I don't want someone going into a hat store to do this. You don't need to bother America's hat merchants. Okay? And I don't want people buying... a hat store to do this. You don't need to bother America's hat merchants. Okay?

And I don't want people buying... You'd hate to get them mad. Buying hats. You'd hate to get those hatters. They could ruin you. Mad at you. Mad hatters? Yeah.

Bam! Boom! Right? Come on. They already have mercury poisoning. I just don't want people to buy a bunch of hats at retail. Yeah. And I don't... It's fine. If you want to buy second a bunch of hats at retail. Yeah. And I don't...

It's fine. If you want to buy secondhand hats, that's fine with me. If you want to borrow hats, that's fine with me. I just don't want people going into a hat store to do this because that's bullshit. Don't go into your local mall and hit the lids. Yeah, that ain't cool. That's not cool. Even if it's fresh throwbacks.

Lids is not cool. I feel that. Even if you're talking about fresh throwback fitteds. No, yeah, for sure. We do ask that if you are going to wear a fitted, that you keep the hologram on the bill so that we know it's... No doubt. Yeah, that you didn't just buy it from a fucking street vendor. Yeah.

That's how cats do it nowadays. Yeah. That's how cats be doing it. That G's be doing that. Leave that sticker on. What is leaving the sticker on the hat about? Stupid. It's dumb.

It's dumb, yeah. For kids. It's for kids, yeah. I bought a hat. I don't really wear baseball caps much anymore, but the last baseball cap I bought, I looked at the hologram, thought about keeping it on. Not since you found that great product. Yeah, not since Sumotech changed my life.

Yeah. But then it was like, I thought about leaving the hologram on. I was like, come on, I'm a grown up. And I took it off. it off and that's that i mean if you're a grown-up the ghetto is stopping so it's to prove that the hat is a good brand that's the yeah it's to prove that it's because because in the professional sports leagues only license the hats to certain companies okay so they put that hologram on there to say this is an officially licensed product okay but i don't think people keep it on to prove that. I think they just think it's like somehow – because they also leave the top sticker on now too.

Like a big sticker. So dumb. Sometimes the tag. The tag was something that – Tag's old school. Tag was old school. They used to keep the tag on, but then they started putting the sticker directly on the hat. Yeah.

Tag seems crazier to me. Well, tag team back again. Check us direct and let's begin. Party on. Party on. People, let me hear some direct and let's begin. Party on, party on. People, let me hear some noise. TT's in the house of jumping joy. Party over here, party over there. Wave your hands in the air, shake it there.

These three words when you're getting busy. Whoop, there it is. Let me hear you say, whoop. This is going to be an expensive show. We're using a lot of licensed music. This show is going to cost us $50,000 to thousand dollars to put out pretty sure tag team will be pretty stoked if anybody was playing this song tag team are way over it you know tag team not back again jordan look yes moshe and i are taking it back to the old school because we're some old fools who are so cool if you want to get down we'll show

you the way well there it is you know it seems like let me hear you say uh If you want to get down the shirt. We'll show you the way. There it is. Let me hear you say. I want to make a point. I was talking to a coworker about this the other day. That even if someone is not a hip-hop aficionado now. Even if Yella made it acapella. No, go ahead. Sure. Most people our age in the kind of late 20s had a period like in junior high or something where they just listened to hip hop.

I totally skipped that. I totally – Oh, really? Yeah. I basically don't know – I couldn't tell you what is a notorious B.I.G. song versus a Tupac song. Oh, really? I can't do it. Like it never –

That is so – it's so odd to me because – It was never on my radar. That is so – it's so odd to me because my only – like my only experiences were kids in my neighborhood who certainly weren't – didn't switch from listening to hip-hop. Yeah. And then kids that I went to middle school with at the fancy private middle school. Private school. And those kids never listened to hip-hop. They listened to rock and roll music. Private school?

Private school. Private school, Jordan? I went to public high school. Okay. But? Private school. Private school, Jordan? No, I went to public high school, but private middle school. I was the scholarship kid. I was like the bust-in kid. I was the diversity. Fair enough. You were.

Yeah. Yeah, no, I feel like I went from just listening to what my parents had on the radio, which was oldies, K-Roth 101. Old English. And old English. And like talk radio. Directly into third wave ska. Yeah, third wave ska and mid-90s punk rock.

And I was into third wave feminism. Sure. Good. What do you think? Pornography is okay. Yeah. As long as it's empowering. Yeah, ethical slut.

You want to empower sex workers. I don't call them prostitutes. I call them sex workers. Right. But I don't call them late to dinner. Nice. Good. So, if you have an entry into our hat contest,

anything from one hat to a million hats. And if you can explain to me the difference between Tupac and Notorious B.I.G. Email feelings. Tupac had a lot of feelings. Okay. What did Notorious B.I.G. have? A lot of flab. Yeah. A lot of belly. He had flow. He's a fat man. Yeah, we got a great flow.

Legislary flow. Email Jordan and both of us, frankly, at jjgoe at maximumfun.org. jjgoe at maximumfun.org. It will come straight to us, and Jordan will be keeping tabs on things on the blog and on the forum, and we'll be giving out some awards each week

and looking for who can get the most hats on top of their head by the end of February, as well as our award that we're opening up this week, Sexiest Hat. So, yeah. Wow. JJGo at MaximumFun.org. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan, Jesse, Go. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.

Jordan, Jesse, Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Moshe Kasher. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Moshe Kasher. I'm Martin Mull's sucking a penis dog. That's fine. I'm his cum pig. Good. Martin Mull's cum pig, ladies and gentlemen.

Okay, good. I'm glad we hashed that out before the end of the show. Moshe, you've got a couple shows here for folks who are living in Los Angeles. This will probably go up on Monday. So if you're listening this week, Thursday night, Boom Time will be at the UCB, right? Boom Time, UCB Theater, 9.30. It'll be a great show.

That's you and our friend Brent Weinbach and the great Alex Cole, world air guitar champion. Yep. Kind of a fun sketch comedy, weird stuff. Kind of a mix between... Weird nonsense. Yeah, like Tim and Eric meets Human Giant, let's say, kind of a thing. It's weirder than that.

Weirder than that? It's weirder than both Human Giant and Tim and Eric. Not weirder than Tim and Eric. Well, Tim and Eric is more narrative. Sometimes weird, but it's good. It's funny, too. It is. It's very funny.

It's totally funny, yes. We have both seen the show. We both opened for the show, and it's really great. And if you like your comedy outside the box, you're going to enjoy the show. And then also I'll be doing stand-up at the Improv on Wednesday at 10 p.m. And also in the San Francisco Sketch Fest next week, Brent Weinbach, myself, and Josh Fadum will be at the San Francisco Punchline the 21st to the 23rd.

I hope Jordan and Jesse Eagle fans are out there who are in the Bay Area or headed to the Sketch Fest. Jordan, your sketch group is going to be at the Sketch Fest as well. Yes, my sketch group, Marvin Barry, will be there the 29th and the 30th. It's the last weekend of the fest. We'll be at the Dark Room.

And yeah, there's some other good acts on that show too. So it'll be a fine night of sketch comedy. I recommend, I think people if you live in the Bay Area, you should and you're on the Twitter, follow SFSketchFest on Twitter because I'm sure they're going to be giving out ticket specials

and stuff like that on there. You can just go to San Francisco on the 21st, go to our show, stick around, go to Jordan's show, come to Seattle that weekend after you go to the Friday Jordan show, I'll be at to Jordan's show. Come to Seattle that weekend after you go to the Friday Jordan show. I'll be at the Comedy Underground there. I mean, there's comedy forever. And, of course, you go to MaxFunCon.com.

Sign up for Max Fun Con. No doubt. Go to MosheKasher.com. Buy my CD. I mean, there's a lot of things you can do. There's a lot of things to start doing right now. Yeah. Everybody get on it. Moshe, I want to play a track from your CD.

Do you have a favorite? Well, my favorite's pretty long. How long is it? It's like seven minutes long. That's fine. Yeah, that's fine. I mean, it's very graphic, too. That's great.

Great. You mean the CD that was just named one of the top 20 comedy CDs of 2009 by iTunes? There were 20 comedy CDs in 2009? iTunes had just named me the top new comedian of the year? Yeah. Let's play a track from it. Well, how'd you do in the Zune marketplace? Yeah, that's primary interest.

Well, actually, iTunes also named me most likely to win the Jordan and Jesse Go fun hat contest. Wow, a bold prediction from iTunes. You know, Amazon MP3 sent me a Twitter message about how much they love Jordan and Jesse Go. Oh, thanks, Amazon MP3. Isn't that nice? That is nice. Can you find a way to get us some money? That's my next question.

There's a lot of great ways to buy Moshe Kasher's CD. What's the track called? It's called An Open Letter to Modesto, California. Okay. I like it. Our theme music is Love You by The Free Design. Sorry we didn't have any calls this week. A little technical trouble again.

206-984-4FUN. If you want to call us about something, 206-984-4FUN. And send those hat contest entries in to JJGo at MaximumFun.org, where Jordan will be reviewing them. Well, we'll see you next time right here on Jordan, Jesse, Go. Bye. Here's Moshe Kasher. Hey, thanks for having me.

I had a really good time. Oh, no problem. Love you, boys. You bet, Moshe. We love you as well. Bye, Internet. Dear Modesto, Remember me? I saw you this weekend.

Yeah, that's right. The Jew. Well, I just wanted to drop a line and tell you how much I enjoyed performing comedy for you this weekend. That is to say, I didn't. I have performed many places. Highlights include a laundromat, a frat party where I had someone yell, you suck, before I even told a joke. A Jewish temple in full view of the Torah staring down at me, searing its guilty God beams into my back as I talked about my penis. A theater where the median age was literally 80 years old. Those poor old ladies stared up at me in stunned silence for most of an hour, and afterward a female-to-male transgendered character named Grok said,

Good job. You really pushed the limits. Really, Grok? Me? I pushed the limits? I kind of thought you pushed the limits with your beard and titties combo meal. To be fair, the limits of an 80-year-old retiree party are rather easy to push. A makeshift stage at the Rainbow Gathering where hippies could gong you offstage in between their ritual grooming of the lice living within the palatial confines of their rainbow dreadlocks. A million other places. Literally. One million. But of all the funny, shitty, crazy, and depressing places I have ever performed,

you, Modesto, you shine through as the absolute worst place I have ever had the bad luck to step into. I say step into because that's how it felt. It felt like you were one big pile of dog shit that some cunty old lady had neglected to clean up after her spoiled rotten Pekingese lap dog had eaten a half a pound of old filet mignon

that had wrecked its insides and gave the little fucker a vicious case of dog-aria. That's how it felt to enter your slimy little city limits. Okay, maybe you think I'm being a dick, but I have reason. Remember this weekend when I mentioned gay people and you began to boo? Okay, maybe you think I'm being a dick, but I have a reason. Remember this weekend when I mentioned gay people and you began to boo? Remember that? Yeah, that was weird.

But then when someone else yelled, get rid of them, well, I think that's when I fell out of love with you. Did you say get rid of them? By um, do you mean homosexuals? By get rid of, did you mean wholesale slaughter? Yes? Delightful! That's the sign of an enlightened society. Screaming yokels calling for the destruction of another group. Thanks, Modesto, for showing me that the little bubble we call the Bay Area is immediately surrounded by human slime. You slimed me, like Ghostbusters. Now, why do you want to get rid of him? I'm going to guess it's for Jesus. Now, is that really what Jesus would want? You know,

Jesus, the guy who was all, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Yeah, that guy, the Prince of Peace, remember? You think he would have been into get rid of them? Jesus is like, oh yeah I love all mankind, sure I do Yeah, turn the other cheek And all that, I love every man, woman And child on earth Except the faggots Ew, that shit is nasty

Y'all, a dude with another dude Ew, I ain't with That broke back shit, my name is Jesus, not gazus. What we need to do is get rid of him. Yee-haw! I think instead that you have turned into a perversion of anything Jesus would have ever wanted. I think, more likely, Jesus would want to get rid of you. Yes, I love all mankind. Except for that dude in Modesto. Yeah, the guy who yelled out, get rid of him. I'm making an exception for him. Fuck that guy. P.S. Modesto, only place I

have ever mentioned being Jewish and received boos in response. That's right, boos. As in, so I'm Jewish and boo. Boo? You boo Jewish? What the fuck? First of all, fuck you. Second though, it's a stand-up comedy show. What are you, surprised it's a Jew on stage? We comprise 88% of the stand-up comics in the world. You take away black people, who I also assume you hate, and Jews, and you're left with like one stand-up comic. And he's not funny. and you're left with like one stand-up comic. And he's not funny. Take what you can get, Modesto. Boo, huh? When I hear things like that, I no longer in any way want to entertain you. I don't want anything to do with you. I don't want to waste my breath trying to make you laugh.

You don't deserve laughter. You deserve AIDS. And not the good AIDS. You deserve to drink smoothies of vomit and infected pus boosts from Jamba Jews. You deserve to be eaten alive by La Chupacabra and then spit back up into Modesto flesh vomit goat sucker hairballs. You know those billboards on the side of the road that purport to having been written by God that are like, You know that whole love thy neighbor thing? I meant that.

God. Well, if they wrote one for you, it would probably say, I am a perfect omnipotent being. I am perfection incarnate. And yet, creating you was a mistake. God. You know what I hope? I hope you all get married and have kids.

I hope you raise those kids to be the same backwater, missed down syndrome by one half a chromosome, KKK, West Coast chapter, wife beating, Jimmy Crack Corn, stained barbecue sauce t-shirt, go nowhere, not worth the carbon it took to make your body, backcountry, single digit IQ, shit for brain, bags of filth-sgusting waste matter that you are, but through some freak accident of nature,

they turn out different. nature, they turn out different. I hope they turn out to have a sensitive side. They will join drama class. They will cry into their care bearer's pillowcases. They will be closer to their mothers. I hope that sometime in junior high school, a boy named Yefet moves to Modesto from Israel. Yefet will be a member of the Ethiopian Jewish community that, through some sad state of affairs, has to move to Modesto from Israel. Yefet will be a member of the Ethiopian Jewish community that, through some sad state of affairs, has to move to Modesto. I hope Yefet is a beautiful Ethiopian Jew with fine, high cheekbones, smooth, ebony skin,

and a soft, sweet voice. I hope Yefet is lonely and looking for a friend. I hope your son is that friend. I hope Yefet is lonely and looking for a friend. I hope your son is that friend. I hope Yefet is the only real friend that your sensitive son has ever truly had. I hope they grow closer and closer until one day your sensitive little son realizes that he loves Yefet. I hope that they will then begin a secret homosexual relationship, that is until October 16th, 2016. That's the day I hope you come home early from work and open up the bedroom door

just in time to see your son giving ferocious head to Yefet's big black cock. And just when you open your mouth to scream, Get out of my house, you faggot! You'll die for this! I hope that just then, Yefet shoots a powerful stream of jism that flies across the room

and splatters all over you. I hope Yefet keeps coming and coming and coming until your gaping mouth is filled and your whole face is covered in hot, gay, Jewish, black semen. I hope you drink gallons of Yefet's black Jew cum. I hope

Yefet has AIDS. Wait, what? Sorry, Yefet. I don't want to give you AIDS, especially because you're a Jew and all, but the guy in this story has to pay. Okay, okay. I'll give you some freak immunity to AIDS so that you're just a carrier. You'll be like Typhoid Mary, giving the disease to others,

but never actually suffering from it. You'll be AIDS Yefet, okay? All right. Okay. So I hope AIDS Yefet shoots his AIDS-addled cum all over you, and that you almost drown in a pool of gay, AIDS-y, black Jew cum. I hope he has some sort of African super AIDS that you're too ashamed to go to the doctor to treat

with a medication cocktail that could save your life. But I hope that you do survive and live long enough to see your son come out of the closet and declare his love for Yefet. I hope they move to San Francisco together and get married. But before they do that, I hope your son converts to Judaism because he has also fallen in love with the tradition of his husband-to-be, Yefet, the gay black Jew. I hope you see that and then I hope you die. At any rate, I won't be coming back to performing you anytime soon. In the meantime, fuck off.

Yours truly, Moshe Kasher.