Jordan, Jesse, GO! - Vannilingus, with Lucé Tomlin-Brenner

Episode Date: August 15, 2024

This week, we welcome comedian/podcaster Lucé Tomlin-Brenner (It’s Always Halloween) to chat about video stores and collecting VHS tapes, trunk or treat, balloon sculptors, and more! Plus Jordan gives everyone in the studio a gift from Comic-Con!Style that makes you feel as good as you look—get started today at Stitch Fix dot com slash stitchfix.com/JJGO. That’s Stitch Fix dot com slash stitchfix.com/JJGO. Stitch Fix dot com slash stitchfix.com/JJGO.Visit bit.ly/run4mar to help Caitlin raise money while running a half-marathon for children’s Alzheimer’s disease.Follow the podcast on Instagram and send us your dank memes! Jordan Morris is doing a book tour for Youth Group! Jordan will be at GalaxyCon August 17th & 18th in San Jose.Come see Jordan on August 24th in Los Angeles at 826 Fest (Free!). Come see Judge John Hodgman: Road Court  live in a town near you! Jesse and John will be all over the country so don't miss your change to see them. Check the events page to find out where! Follow brand new producer, Steven Ray Morris, on Instagram.

Give a little time for the child within you don't be afraid to be young and free undo the locks and throw away the keys and take off your shoes and socks and run you. It's Jordan Jesse Goh I'm Jesse Thorne America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris boy detective. How are you doing buddy? Good. Yeah good? Mm-hmm. I'm wearing I'm wearing house shoes today. Ooh house shoes to the studio? That's a Jesse. Steven and I are both wearing,

these are like those kind of, what is this, like a neoprene shoe? I don't know, it's a croc-like product. Yeah, it's probably not an actual croc. It's from my friends at Adidas. Ooh, Adidas. Yeah, you know, Adidasler's outfit? Mm, yes.

Yeah, you know, I usually just wear these to walk back and forth between my shed and my house or to walk across the street to rent a video. But given our guest, we'll get to that in a moment. Given our guest, I thought it would be perfectly appropriate for me to wear my video getting shoes. Stephen, what are your house shoes? Stephen, what's your excuse? No, I wear...

We're casual here. During lockdown, I became a croc convert. So now I just... I'm just wearing my comfortable Crocs. I didn't bring my Margaritaville branded Crocs though, unfortunately, but I will at some point. Thank God. Well, it's a podcast recording, not a wedding. I only wear Cabo Wabo Cantina brand crocs. You're a fan of the Red Rockers, Emmy Hagar. Exactly. I love, you know, it does seem like those Cabo Wabo Cantinas are on their last legs.

Yeah. But it was funny that there, for a while, there were two battling chill out restaurants, Cabo Wabo Cantina and Margaritaville. It's like, how big is the market? How many of these can live? I interviewed the great Dan Aykroyd for Bullseye recently. Amazing.

And he was in Toronto, where he lives. And so he was in like a studio that he goes to to record voiceovers for things or whatever, right? Like they all knew him there. They're, Mr. Ackroyd will be here in just a moment. Lovely situation. He came on the little zoom screen wearing a crystal head vodka polo shirt and holding

two bottles of crystal head vodka. One in each hand. That he drank over the course of the interview. One was transparent, one was golden. And I was like, this guy gets it. This guy knows which side of the bread the butter comes on. I had to do a little- Sorry, this guy comes on the butter side of the bread. And then the last guy eats the bread. He does it with the other Ghostbusters.

The Beatles in Germany. There you go. Do you remember Ken Bone? Ken Bone. Ken Bone. Oh yeah, Ken Bone was a guy who has to question their presidential debate. Yes, he's like a funny, he was like a funny little guy. He was wearing a cardigan. And like asked some sort of like, why can't you all get along type question to Hillary and Trump. That was a fun election. That was a great, that was a really fun election. One of our funnest elections. I like to look back. That's fun election. That was a great. That was a really fun election I like to look back and think about that election

So he became a little bit of a like meme This is like this is not to kink shame Ken bone But I want to take a little bit of a side of just like it's it's proof at how weird the internet is People like looked into Ken bones reddit history and he was making a lot of Comments on pregnancy porn. Yeah, and one of those comments was like, ah such beautiful balloons Again not to kick shame Ken bone, but the Internet's a magical place good for you Anyway, but I was working on a show where we did a little like remote with him Oh, what do you want a homely balloon? Right.

Beauty all the way for me. Beautiful balloons. It was positive. Yeah. Where we did a little remote with Ken Bone. And so I was like, you know, on the other end of the zoom, like setting him up. I was like the off-camera producer getting him to like say stuff. Can we say what the show was?

Is it okay? It was Nightline. It was Nightline, yeah. Yeah, so I asked the question, they make it look like Dan Rather, saying the questions. And then, is that who host Nightline? Ted Koppel hosted Nightline?

No way to know. Yeah. So like I was on the Zoom with him and we were like setting up and I'm like, fuck, he's not wearing the sweater. He's not wearing the sweater. Do I have to say something? Cause that was the guy's whole thing. He was a funny little guy. He wore a little sweater or a little sweater.

And so I was like doing just like chit chat with him. Oh my God, this has been so crazy. Huh? Yeah. Huh. Pregnancy porn, huh? No, I didn't say that. And then like, you were talking about balloons. Sure. Yeah. And I was just sitting there and I'm like, fuck, I'm going to have to say something. Fuck. I'm going to have't say that. And then like- You were talking about balloons. Sure, yeah. And I was just sitting there and I'm like, fuck, I'm gonna have to say something. Fuck, I'm gonna have to say something. And then just like right as we were about to start, he's like, oh, I'll get the sweater. Yes, this guy gets it.

That's Dan Aykroyd with the Crystal Head Vodkas. So wait, he, but you weren't... Was he just showing them to you? What were they there for? Yeah, he couldn't give them to me. That's what's so amazing about it. So when Goggins came on Bullseye, I had the liquor store deliver Goggins alcohol to the office so that I could have him sign it. Mulholland Spirits.

Mulholland spirits exactly He was very kind very glad to and everybody is listening. Yes. We're trying to get him on Jordan Jesse Goh, maybe his publicist is a little less excited about Jordan Jesse Goh than NPR He's getting more famous. Yeah, he will like the fallout show. Yeah, it's not in for an Emmy, right fun show I don't know you do I watched couple episodes. I thought they were very good. Me too. I had to deliver the Goggins liquor. Right. Ackroyd brings the liquor, but it can't pass through the zoom. It can't pass through the zoom. But Ackroyd delivers Ackroyd up and down nine ways till Tuesday. I am not surprised.

I asked Brandon, I texted our friend Brandon Bird, the painter of light, because he's a he loves acroids. Big acroid guy. Huge acroid guy. I texted Brandon Bird, I said what should I ask acroid? And it was like you know it was that kind of like three dots then it disappears, then three dots then it disappears. I can tell he's drafting and redrafting his question. And he says, well, my brother is a huge Ghostbusters guy and his dog just passed away. Do you think you could ask Dan Aykroyd if dogs have ghosts? Wow. And what the afterlife is like for a dog? I asked it. Great answer. You're going to

have to listen to Bulldog to find out. I do want to get to our guest, but I have a quick question. There's a transparent crystal head and there's a gold crystal head? Is that like premium head? I don't know exactly. Is it tequila maybe? No, it is a vodka, but I think it's like an ultra premium version of the vodka. We should get a producer to look stuff up like this.

Okay, Stephen, let's introduce our guests. I wanna know, was Goggins nominated for an Emmy recently and what the gold crystal head vodka is? We'll check in with you a little bit later. Our guest on the program is not only a beloved standup comic, but also, and this is gonna be perhaps the only time I ever get to say, well, we'll probably invite her,

but she'll do a great job, we'll invite her back. But the only person about whom I could possibly say this, also one of the managers of the video store across the street from my house, Lucy Tomlin Brenner. Hi, Lucy. Hello. Thank you for having me. What a drive. Now I want to be clear. It's not like I went into the video store and just said to whoever was standing there, Steve A.G. has diarrhea. Someone help. He threw a lasso around me and then dragged me. All right.

Grab that Fassbender t-shirt. Let's get going. Really good in an emergency, Fassbender. Yeah, what happened is our producer, Steven, sent us an email. He's been doing the booking lately. He said, this comic is really great and funny. She's also one of the managers of a video store. And I said, yes, that is the video store

across the street from my house. I know exactly who that lady is, because I have gone up to her to ask if they have Darkman 2 or whatever. That's true. Yeah. And your daughter loves horror movies. My daughter does love horror movies. And I've talked to her about like old horror movies, which is very exciting because it is very rare to get anyone under the age of like 60 interested in films made before 1960.

I'm glad that my daughter has heroes. I'm a little disappointed they're not me, but if they work at the video store across the street, I'll take it. Yeah, I guess I think we probably interacted a little bit when the store used to be in Pasadena. Yes, I've been there for about five years. So if you had been to the South Pass store,

we had to move last year because our landlord jacked up the rent and was basically like, get out of here, you. And we had to find a new place. So now we're in Highland Park, which is kind of nice because it's closer to LA, you know? Like lots of LA people think South Pass is really far. And now we're-

It's a little far. Yeah. Now we get more people. What is it like being a video store manager in 2024? Well, it's great. So I've been a video store manager for most of my life. Okay. Other than being a comedian, I like to call myself a professional video store clerk because

I've been doing it since I was 17 in like 2002. Wow. Was it like at a blockbuster or a neighborhood place? I started at a... Were blockbusters around? When did blockbusters go under? Blockbusters were still around then. About 10 years ago, yeah.

But I did not work at the blockbuster. Two reasons. One, they suck, cause they're a big corporation. I wanted to work at a mom and pop. But two, when I applied, they also rejected me. Fuck them. Yeah, fuck them.

They have those industrious psychology tests. If they offered you the job, you were gonna tell them to go fuck themselves. Yes, I wanted to be the one to tell them. Right, right, right, right. So for them to tell me no, I don't even know who I am. You wrote on the test that a few cents of transaction

into your pocket is no big deal. Yeah, they said be honest. Those industrial psychology tests. You wrote that you thought the only good video stores had porn in them? That does actually sound like something I would say, yes. But those tests, they don't really exist anymore, but they used to say things like, if you're mad at someone, would you kick them? I remember, I took one of those.

I remember. I'm like, would I? Maybe. If I got mad enough, what's the situation? Am I mad at them because they're attacking me? Yeah. Is it like a horse and we're doing a kickoff? Is it a...

Right. You didn't say if this is a horse or not on here. I don't think I can answer the question. They didn't hire me because I had a lot of conditional responses. I remember very vividly taking one of those tests at Macy's. I worked at Macy's for a little while. Oh, then you passed the test. I did pass the test.

You said he wouldn't kick people. Good for you. I know. And I also, they handed me a pen or pencil and said to sell it to them. It was like a group interview. That's like a madman thing. Yeah.

It was truly, it was really something else. My wife worked at a video store. My wife has great excitement and fondness for the video stores institution because she that was her high school job Oh when I first started dating my wife, she worked at a video store and it was very nice. It was in Mill Valley, California Lovely town. It was a nice video store her coworker was Weird but nice. That's all coworkers. Yeah.

Like, that's all video store coworkers. They have to be weird. Yeah. And her boss was a nice enough guy. I do remember that she worked a lot of shifts solo that involved a lot of pornography when she was like 17. Yes, exactly.

That's what I feel like it definitely changed my brain. I'm very pro-porn brain. I'm very pro, you know, I have the pro pornography I'm very like sex positive and I'm like I think this is directly because when I worked at Suncoast They were like open this box of hentai And I was just like, oh my god, like putting stuff away and just like so confused and distracted and like, do I like this? What's happening to me?

And then after that, I worked at our hometown video store, Bookseller Video in Elyria, Ohio, which doesn't exist anymore. Closed in 2015. The whole town. The whole town. Well, it's on its way. Yeah.

We're a rust belt town outside of Cleveland, so it definitely has seen better days. When you were first working there, what was moving? What was on the shelf? What were people getting a lot of? When I worked at Suncoast, like Shrek had just come out. Oh, okay. And people were going nuts for Shrek. And you know what else came out? The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai had just come out on DVD. And I had never heard of it before. And a bunch of boomers would call regularly asking for it. And every time.

John Hodgman kept calling. And you'd be like, sir, this is Ohio. You live in Massachusetts. You have a mall near you. You're in college in New Haven, Connecticut right now. It confused me so much because I just had never heard of that movie before and it's also like through the fourth or fifth dimension. It has a really long title.

Right, yeah. So that was what was hot at Suncoast in like 2001, 2002. I'm surprised people were going into Suncoast for Buckaroo Banzai. Absolutely, well, because it had just come out on DVD and so people wanted to own it. That was like DVD mania, you know? Yeah, the Simpsons had just come out the first season.

That was a really big deal. I loved it. I worked there at Christmas time. So people were always coming in being like, what would you get for a five-year-old boy? And so that was super fun. Hand time. Yeah.

Every single thing, I'm like, doesn't matter what they say. How does he feel about octopuses? And then at Bookseller, I was there all through college. I was there for four years. And Eternal Sunshine cameller, I was there all through college. I was there for like four years. And Eternal Sunshine came out when I worked there. Swat came out when I worked there. Very different, but equally popular rentals. Why did I see Swat in a movie theater?

Because I sure did. Yeah. At college, cheap. Yeah, I don't know. I don't think I can even blame it. There was a period where we had a friend named Tyler in college, still our friend. And Tyler had a friend that worked at the one movie theater in downtown Santa Cruz.

And so he would just be like, we're going to the movies. And we would all just walk into whatever movie was there. Yeah, because you have nothing but time. So it doesn't matter. And shitty movies, you're not inundated with them yet. And so it's still kind of novel. And you're like, wow, it's so fun to see something bad. Now if I see something really bad I feel like I have

been personally hurt and I can't handle I'm like no my time he does equality only I saw Bring It On in that theater and you know Bring It On it's not bad you know I wouldn't say it's good per se but I was there's a lot of fun to be had. It has a cult following. Millennial women love Bring It On. It's one of those like, oh, it has six sequels movies too that you haven't heard of but the Bring It On heads. Yeah, but they love them. Yeah, absolutely.

A little fundamentally racist, but it's got a nice Ian Roberts cameo. Oh, well there you go. Yeah, very funny Ian Roberts. So many early 2000 teen movies are like that. I think I remember SWAT because I got in a fight with a woman over SWAT because we didn't have it in. And it was around the time that Bookseller was like guarantee, or excuse me, that blockbuster was guaranteeing that they'd have it on the shelf.

And you started kicking her. And I did. And it was okay because Bookseller didn't care what I did because they were independent. Once she brings up those hands, everything's fair game. I bring up the hands and I distract them and then I get them up to feet. Yeah. The thing I remember from SWAT is that, you know, part of the like finale is this like, super criminal is getting toaded off to jail.

And Jordan, I do not to interrupt, but we should explain special weapons and tactics. Special weapons and tactics, yes, there you go. The super criminal is getting like, toaded off to jail and as he's getting toaded off, he yells like, $10 million to the person that frees me. And it creates this like, you know, run to like all the like world scumbags

all kind of converge on this like prison convoy to free this guy. And it just goes around to various street gangs and street toughs and they're all hanging out watching the local news. I love that just like the scummiest street gangs just hang out together, and they're like in flop houses too on just like couches with no legs,

just watching the local news. They wanna make sure the cops are busy elsewhere so that they can plan their crimes. Right, yeah. Yeah, exactly. And they wanna hear their lotto numbers read. Important, yeah. They have to get a million one way or another.

Of course, of course. To not bring a criminal. How did the fight with the SWAT fan end? Oh, so we're in this big warehouse, the video store. I'm talking like a Costco. Right. Filled with books and movies, and pornography. So one of the greatest places to ever exist.

Sounds amazing. It was great. But we were very dingy DIY-y. So the roof would start leaking. And the roof is, I don't know, I don't really know size, hundreds of feet in the air. It's so high that we can't put a ladder up there and fix it. So we would take those big Rubbermaid trash cans

and just set them in the aisles to collect leaks. And because it was a trash can, people would also throw stuff in it. So there's this amalgamation of old Legionnaires disease water. A real stone soup situation. Yeah, cheetah bags, Mountain Dew. And I remember yelling at her.

She's like, Blockbuster guarantees. Why can't you guarantee it? I was like, I can't even guarantee that the roof isn't going to fall in. We've got trash all over the store. Why would you think we could guarantee something for you? She's like, I'm never coming back here. Because it was 2004, I could be like, we don't need your money.

The store was like- Yelp doesn't exist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's packed full of people too. Everybody needed us. Right. Everybody needed the videos. Even though you had set up shop in Montreal Olympic Stadium.

Yeah, exactly. Shroof panels coming down. It was great. I mean, we had like 10 copies of everything but SWAT. No, it was a very popular title for some reason. Was it the kind of video store like... I remember very vividly in my own childhood when the blockbuster moved in. We had been going to a video store. My dad got a VCR from his girlfriend. His girlfriend gave him her VCR and then they broke up and so we had a VCR. It was great. Oh, got to keep it. It was very exciting. And thanks, Susan, and wherever you are these days. And we would have to like go up the road.

We didn't have a car. So we would take the bus to this neighborhood video store. It was tiny. It didn't have anything in it. And then we'd take the bus back down to our house and watch whatever we rented. And this blockbuster moved in. It was like completely mind blowing. Like this blockbuster had all these fucking videos, any video you

wanted, four copies of Condor Man. And then, like when I was like, you know, 14 or however old you are when you figure out about this kind of thing, I figured out about going to the fucking fancy video store. And the fancy video store in San Francisco is called La Video it was a next level of mind-blowing because it had every movie ever just truly every movie ever was there in this fucking video store behind this giant you know caricature of Charlie Chaplin it was on the front so was this a holy shit they got every fucking video absolutely yeah we Yeah, we did have everything. Stuff would get stolen, and then we'd replace it.

So every now and then, there were certain things that always got stolen, like kids by Harmony Currin would always get stolen. Really? Really? That gets stolen at every single video store I've worked at. It is so hard to keep kids on the shelf, especially now because it's not available anywhere.

Oh. I think we have a bootleg of it on Blu-ray, because I don't even know if it's out on Blu-ray. Video tech is the first place I got to see Near Dark. I had never seen Near Dark. Oh, incredible. I think that is streaming now, but for a hot second, it wasn't.

And I'm like, I'd love to see this movie. Big Bigelow head over here. Oh, nice. And I'm like, Deuce? Huh? Deuce Bigelow directed that movie, right? Yes. Yeah, well, few people know that he's a real person.

Right. Rob Schneider directed in character. Yeah, Rob Schneider directed in character. Yeah, Rob Schneider's the character, Deuce Big Lo's the man. Right, exactly, sure. Right, which is the man. He gets so deep into character. Anyway, that's not a funny story,

but just something that I remember about video tech. I'm glad you remember that. Well, no, you bring up an important point, which is that it wasn't available on streaming, and there's so many things that aren't available on streaming. You add up all the major streaming networks. There's like 25,000 to 30,000 streaming. And then a bunch of those are doubles.

So you're probably getting more like 20,000 titles are streaming. And Video Tech has over 45,000 titles. We have so much stuff. So people are like, oh, everything's streaming. And it's like, no, maybe enough for you to watch in your lifetime. But everything is not streaming, especially foreign stuff and older things and anything that's cult,

stuff that's not going to make a ton of money so it's not worth it to license it. Jordan, if it weren't for video tech, I never would have met one of the subjects of our most recent episode of Gracie's Game Gauntlet, Shitty CGI Lawgiver, the character that introduces the blu-rays of the Planet of the Apes movie. Right, right, right, yes. A weird, low-budget computer animation of the God of the Planet of the apes, or the Moses of the planet of the apes, I guess.

Yeah, that introduces all the videos. Like, I think I had forgotten about the other shit that's on videos since the age of DVD. And like, I think at this point, you know, on these 4Ks often, it's just like, yeah, this is the nicest way to look at it. It's not like a whole fucking thing. But it but like those Planet of the Apes came out and it was like, if there is not a fucking interactive board game, right?

Your blue ray. No, it's incredible. That's what we're missing without physical media is all those little fun like ephemeral things about the menu Yeah, the menu where you could, like, click onto a graphic and see a secret trailer. Yeah, that was so fun. From Blair Witch 2, Book of Shadows. And there's so many, like, little PSAs and commercials. Who can forget the You Wouldn't Steal a DVD? Oh, yeah.

Very nice 2000s experience. Them's were the days. Yeah. I also collect, personally, VHS tapes. So I have, like, close to collect personally VHS tapes. So I have like close to a thousand VHS tapes that I've been buying since I was a little kid. What's your crown jewel? Crown jewels. I think my favorite one is the Doom Generation by Greg Araki because it has a cover that opens up and there's another cover underneath it. But

I didn't know I had it most of my like since I was a teenager and I didn't know that that cover opened up when I bought it because it wasn't like cover open, you know, there was like a sticker on it letting me know. And about five years ago, a friend of mine was like, oh, I have this. And I took it off the shelf and opened the cover and I was like, what? Like I couldn't believe there's like hidden thing. And it's that like tactileness that I love. That's what's so special about video stores and why I always want to each time one closes I'm like find me another I'm just knowing moving across the country two different video stores to work at Johnny video store seed

Yeah, I would love that if I had that power except for I'm kind of doing the opposite where every store I work at close Please don't not video tech not Video tech is gonna live for a thousand years. I'll say it's not your fault Corporate overlord. Yeah, well, you say I have some VHS questions. Oh, please, yeah. What are the rules and objectives of your VHS tape collecting? I have, for a while, it was very scattershot.

I just wanted to have all the movies that I liked or anything that had a cool cover or anything that had cool stickers on it. Like, I really like things, especially when they're from other video stores. So I do like kind of charting like, oh, where was this video store? And being like, oh, this is a tape from Milwaukee.

How did it end up in Cleveland? So I like that aspect of it, but I've started- Probably someone moved. Yeah, I'm sure it's never as fun as your brain could be like, wow, what kind of a journey could it go on? An eagle swooped out of the sky and grabbed Congo. It's like, oh, a nature documentary. I wanted to learn about monkeys.

Really the whole collection is built on a foundation of Michael Crichton adaptation. Sure, yeah, eagles love Crichton. But now I mostly focus on like 80s and 90s stuff because I think that looks best on tape, especially horror. So I love horror films and it is like black and white films don't look good on tape and anything that is supposed to be cinematically impactful doesn't look great on tape.

But it is weird to watch like Halloween 1978 is one of my all time favorite movies and like watching that on like a Blu-ray, it looks nice, but it's less scary when everything's very crisp and clear. The analog quality, the fuzz, the screen jumping a little bit makes it feel like you're watching something you're not supposed to be seeing, something secret. And of course, there's a nostalgia element. It reminds me of the first time I watched it when I was a kid

and that kind of thing. But the art, I also really love just the cover art, especially of horror films. But if a movie means anything to me at all, I do want to have it on tape. And then secondarily, if it has cool stickers on it. My rule is no more than $1. Oh, no.

It's so hard to find any good tapes for less than $1. For a while, out of the closet thrift store, not that far from video tech, there were six for a dollar. That was when I was living. Six for a dollar. $0.25, six for a dollar. Hoo boy. Now all the thrift stores have figured out

that that's kind of popular now, which is annoying because I went through the whole period of it not being popular from the mid 2000s until six years ago, where anytime people would come over, they'd be like, what the hell is this? And then I'd be like, oh, look how cool this cover is, and all these stickers. And people just were not feeling it.

And now I buy them by the pound. Yeah, I've spent hundreds of dollars on this dead medium. But now something happened. I think Instagram, people got really into like showing off, you know, covers, collections and things like that. And next generation has gotten really into it visually. So now everybody's caught on and you can't get tapes for like less than five or six dollars. People will build not just Barbara. Look, we all know Barbara Streisand has an entire

mall inside her basement because she didn't have anything else to do with our clothes, but not just Barbara Streisand, people build video stores in their rec rooms. I'm on that VHS subreddit, as has been discussed in this, and a number of people building rec room video stores is really astonishing. Yeah, I mean, you have to do something with your time. You've already looked at all the pregnancy porn. Sure. Once there are no more beautiful balloons left. Yes. Once all the beautiful balloons have drifted off into the sky.

It is. I think you're very right though that like theHR, because my situation is I have a cabin with a TV VCR. And I was like, this feels like a good line to draw technology-wise at the cabin. TV VCR was already there. I'm like, maybe it's just you're allowed to bring videos to the cabin, but I've got to find them at the thrift store or whatever. Yeah, don't go nuts.

And we don't go on the internet or something, you know? But like the dudes in the end there, God bless you for not being a dude in this world. Thank you, yes, I appreciate that. The dudes on the VHS subreddit, they are so locked on to horror movies and like weird exploitation things. And then sometimes they're just into Shrek.

Like there's also- People love Shrek too much. Like sometimes they're just like, sometimes they just, yes, people like love Shrek. We're not even gonna go, I'm gonna get in trouble again for saying what I think of Shrek. Oh no, it's already a banned topic. Yeah.

And of course I walked right into it right away when I was like, Suncoats. Let's all go around and say what we think about Shrek. Let's list other people's most beloved childhood treasures that we hate. Wait, this weekend, I saw, this weekend, yesterday, I saw somebody in a Shrek mask in their driveway trying to scare their dog.

Like they were just wearing a Shrek mask outside. Yeah, dogs hate Shrek. Yeah. Dogs are right. We need to be cart mask outside. Yeah, dogs hate Shrek. Yeah. Dogs are right. That would need to be carted away. Dogs are right about Shrek. Right. And about hot dogs.

They're more into how to train your dragon. Dogs are. How to train your dragon's pretty good. Yeah, I like that. I like how to train your dragon. Mitchells versus the machines. That's the winner. Yeah, there you go.

It's not a DreamWorks though. It's a Sony animation. I'm just listening to movies. Oh, movies. I thought we were talking about DreamWorks. Yeah, Mitchell's great. Hey, do you guys wanna do our popular segment, Gift Time? I'm so excited about Gift Time. I didn't even know Gift Time existed.

It does. It's a beloved thing. I have one more question for Luce about VHS tapes. Have you ever thought about having one of these collections where it's only Jerry Maguire's? No. I like that anyone does anything that's weird and ostentatious, but also I'm like, this is so annoying.

Because it's like, for what? I don't know. Visually it's sort of interesting, but I am like, I do think that physical media is important, and sometimes when it's so gimmicky, I'm like, you're acting like it's not important, but we need physical media, especially as corporations are ripping stuff offline. They don't care about art. You know what I say?

What do you say? Show me the money. Yeah! That's right, that's right. You complete me. I say that. Jesse says the one and I'd say the other one. Yep.

And we don't remember anything else about that movie. Yeah, I was gonna say I... It was a big deal at the time. It sure was. I had a Winnie the Pooh sleep shirt that said, show me the honey. Oh yeah, that was popping. Wow, that's hilarious!

I know. That's actually also something Ken Bone posted to Reddit once. Yes. Winnie the Pooh, probably the characters that's been on the most sleep shirts, right? Yeah. I think that's definitely in my house. Yeah.

Garfield maybe. I'm jockeying with Garfield. Snoopy. Snoopy, probably on a lot of sleep shirts. Holy shit. This is really fucking blowing my mind. Who's on the most sleep shirts? Oh my god.

Do we think Shrek has had any sleep shirts? Yeah, I bet there's some Shrek sleep shirts. Ooh say that three times fast. No, thank you Yeah, yeah, let's do it. So I I went to comic-con It's fun to it's fun when your friends have have interesting specific Interests to try and find gifts for them at comic cons and stuff So this is my question about the we did this we did a similar segment last year, right? It was last year. Like I went to Anime Expo. And I don't know, like the only thing like that that I went to in my pre-this-being-my-job life was baseball card shows. And that shit I love.

I mean, like, baseball card dudes, especially now that it's all sort of gambling driven. Sure. But like, I love digging through piles of stuff. I go to the flea market every weekend. You know what I mean? But I feel like when I was at Comic-Con, and certainly when I was at Anime Expo,

I was really disappointed. I want there to be a hall that's the weird guy that packed a box truck full of weird shit that he sells at anime shows throughout the Midwest and his four folding tables and set it up there. And I don't know, like I just, all I know is, my friend Adam Katz went to a baseball card show recently for work, and he texted me a picture of a place that was called Everything Ricky Henderson. Hey, all right.

Like where are the Everything Ricky Henderson's of these? Comic Con still has that, I think much has been made of like Comic Con is all celebrities now, and like, you know, it is a big thing, but like half of Comic Con is still fucking dude with a Ziploc bag full of Hot Wheels. You know? Yeah. And that guy, and you know, it's still weird

how local it is, like, the Rotary Club still has a booth, and like, the San Diego Public Library does. So yeah, like obviously, you know, the stuff that people talk about is Comic-Con, it's like, you know, Robert Downey Jr. coming out, and whatever, but like, I think it will always have a place for guy with water damaged box full of things. Can I just say, well, before we get on to Comic-Con, while we're leaving behind South

Pasadena, the former home of video tech, there's a park that is just on the line between Los Angeles and South Pasadena. And every weekend, there is like an illegal ad hoc hot wheels show there. Yeah. And it's just all these like cholo grandpas just wandering around fucking trading hot wheels is the best thing. I've only driven past. I like I've been in a hurry. I need to stop and go in.

But just a bunch of dudes being like Yeah, and it's very clearly like not sanctioned. They just found a park that no one bothers to check great Wait is it do you love comic-con like are you is you have like a favorite con? Yeah, I so I you know grew up in Southern, California So I would go as a kid and that's's when it, you know, that was, and you know, obviously this is like a cold ass nerd guy take, but like, you know, before all the celebrities got to Comic-Con, it was just like, come dig through boxes,

and you could just kind of walk up. So I did that. And then, yeah, like recently, you know, I've like been lucky to like go and, you know, to like do projects that I've been a part of, so that's been very fun. So yeah, I like it. And you know, it's that I've been a part of so that's been very fun so yeah I like it and you know it's a it's a shit show that that part of it is totally true and it's like kind of hard to get to but like if you're you know if you're there and you're leaning in it's so much fun. And you were there this year both to talk about your new book Youth Group

Yes. And to talk about the television show Jellystone right? Yes I was yeah so I got to do two cool you cool work activities for things I'm really proud of. It was really, really fun. Thank you to everybody who came. It's always nice to see max fun people at that sort of thing. So yeah, but I also had some time to dig through stuff

for my pals that have specific interests. And it's such a fun little scavenger hunt because it's like aimless digging isn't that much fun. But I'm like, what is Steven into? OK, I know. Let's do Steven first. All right. I know we've known each other for a while,

but we're new coworkers. I know you're a Jurassic Park guy. There was a Jurassic Park booth that did not seem licensed. Ooh, that's fun. That had a lot of like, you know. Ricky Henderson stuff. A lot of Ricky Henderson stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. But yeah, so it had like Jurassic Park memorabilia, but also a rack of cards of like Jurassic Park fan art. Oh, OK. And some of it seemed like it was from the movies, and some of it was just random mashups with other properties.

So this is what I got you. Oh my gosh, I can open this. Oh my gosh, it's Darth Maul fighting an ankylosaurus. Oh gosh, that is so Stephen. You did a perfect job. Oh my gosh, thank you. I don't know how you feel about the Star Wars prequels. Look, I love Darth Maul.

I like seeing people get cut in half. That's fun. Yeah. He has a really cool sword. He does have a really cool sword. This is also like the, this just has such 2000s energy with like, the sort of like apocalyptic skies. And then we got an ankylosaurus, which for listeners

is a dinosaur that has like spikes and stuff on its back. The 2000s energy is so strong on that that I am feeling an anxiety that has to do with contemporary teens wearing NASCAR t-shirts and vaping at me. Yes. Oh, 100%. And you want to rent SWAT again.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Thank you, Jordan. Yeah, no problem. I can't believe you prefaced that by being like, oh, we don't know each other that well. And then you got him. Here's the perfect gift.

I cannot think of anything better. That is the most Stephen piece of art. What do we know about him? Number one, we know he loves Jurassic Park. Number two, we know he has those rows of horns on his head. Yeah, sure. And yeah, we know you trained at the hand of Darth Plagueis the wise

Best storyteller ever. Yeah So Jesse, I think the last time I did this I found an elf comic Yeah, one of the Marvel published elf comics and I shared that with my daughter. She didn't go over well. It went over great Okay, this is this is a little this is a little I think this is a better gift Maybe a little bit less fun, but I could think of you when I saw it. This is actually from some Pasadena legends. They're a fun printmaker. They're called the Little Friends of Printmaking. Oh, I love that.

Yeah, they're great. And they do- They have a video score print that I have. Oh yeah? Yeah. It's a great print of Peewee coming out of the pet shop in Peewee's Big Adventure, holding all the snakes after he went back in to get all the snakes because he's that good of a guy. That's like maybe the funniest thing that's ever been in a movie, right?

That's one of the funniest movie jokes, isn't it? Yeah. And he just... And then he just... Yeah. Oh, just absolute. Thought it might be good for the shed, might be good for the Max Fun office.

Absolutely. That's beautiful. We love the snakes. Now. We really don't know each other. We really don't know each other, and also there were some cancellations, and I got a gift for another guest who canceled.

Ha ha ha ha! So, you're gonna open his gift, but then I, so open his gift first. Okay, which one? And I hope the envelope. The envelope, okay. It was, we should explain, this is a top gun thing. It's cause Tom canceled.

Yeah. Oh wow, okay, they're sports things. Yeah. Michael Jordan. Yeah. And the Boston Celtics. Puffy stickers. I do like puffy stickers. I do like

puffy stickers. How do you feel about those basketball teams? I like that the Boston Celtics court is that the checkerboardy court. Sure. Yeah. Parquet. Parquet. Yes. I always thought that was really pretty. The Cavs often beat the Celtics in the playoffs when, you know, LeBron was still with them. I liked that. Okay. So these are, you know, maybe not a huge hit at this point. I like basketball. Okay.

Of all the sports, tennis and then basketball and then everything else. So I would say probably basketball is my favorite sport. I love the way they dribble up and down the court. Right. Sure. Okay, I knew those weren't quite right. Jordan, just like I'm the king of the microphone, so is Dr. J and Moses Malone. Sure.

But I did. They are fun though, and they seem vintage? They are vintage. That's, then they're great. But I took another swing. I don't know if this next thing will be right, but this was something I got. I had doubles of. I just a glimpse at your Instagram. I thought this might go over well. Okay, I hope it doesn't feel like profile. A lot of branding,

really thoughtful branding on my Instagram. So this is perfect. It's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, The Last Summer, which I've never read any Buffy comics. Oh, this is great. This is Casey Gilley. She's writing Buffy now. She's one of the best to ever do the Buffy comics. And this is a standalone thing where they go to summer camp.

It's really good. I also love summer camp stories. Okay. Like summer camp horror is like some of my favorite genre stuff. No, this looks fantastic. This is so fun Yes, I was really into Buffy in high school. I cried in my bed during the final episode When all the women become slayers across the country. Yeah

That was our famous segment Give and receive gifts. It would be great It would be great. You're welcome. It would be great if Luce, who is sitting before us in a short shorts romper with bats on it, had been like, nah, fuck Buffy. I was only into LA law. Where's the homeboys from outer space? Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Goh. Where's the homeboys from outer space? Okay. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse Go.

It's Jordan Jesse Go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Every episode of Jordan Jesse Goh is supported by the members of Maximum Fund, specifically the ones who are listening to this right now. So thank you if you are a member of Maximum Fund and you're listening to this. If you're not, you can join. Maximumfund.org slash join. Five bucks a month gets you access to all the bonus content. We're about to record a brand new episode of Gracie's Game Gauntlet about Cool World for the NES.

Yes, the Brad Pitt horny cartoon movie from after Roger Rabbit came out. Yeah, that was like written by a guy that wrote Friday the 13th or something. Oh great I don't know this Gracie's gonna tell us we're gonna get into it Needless to say all I can say is I brought my fucking Xbox controller to work so that I could play cool Yeah, we've got an episode about Superman for the N64 up there right now That was a fun episode to record. It was not a

fun game to play. No, it was a real fucking nightmare to play. Just brutal. Yeah, just a real teeth grinder. Yeah, you've heard of grinding in a video game. I was grinding my tooth down. You weren't even getting experience points. No, I wasn't even getting XP. You weren't even going to increase your equipment load. I was getting extra pissed. Hell, yeah. From grinding. All right. Hold on, Jesse. Now, a lot of people work really hard on that game. I wrote you about Superman 64.

We're also supported this week by our old pals at Stitch Fix. Yeah. When a problem comes along, you must stitch it. That's right. That's the ad copy they've told us not to read that we made up. Yeah, but you know what? We have the courage of our convictions. That's right. We think it's good. We think that helps the brand. Just like Stitch Fix has the courage of their convictions because they learn all about you and then send five perfect for you pieces plus outfit recommendations and pro styling advice right to your door along with we talk about it every time a giant fucking return envelope. The envelope is great it fits everything in it. It's never gonna be a problem the envelope is never gonna be an issue in your life. It's low friction, they say. I will say every Stitch Fix box I've gotten, I've never sent everything back because there's

always at least one great thing in the box. But if for some reason you had to send a bunch of it back, the envelope is perfect. It is so easy. You keep what you like, you send back what you don't. All the stuff fits. It all looks nice. It's tailored to your personal style. We love it!

I have three children. Yes. Sometimes it can be hard because they have very particular taste in clothing. And Stitch Fix has helped me out a number of times and really come through with stuff that they actually love. Style that makes you feel as good as you look. Get started today at stitchfix.com slash jjgo. That's stitchfix.com slash jjgo, stitchfix.com slash JJ Go. That's StitchFix.com slash JJ Go.

StitchFix.com slash JJ Go. We've also got something up on the Jumbotron. That's where Jordan Jessie Go listeners share messages with other Jordan Jessie Go listeners. This is a message from Caitlin. And guess what? Caitlin is running a half marathon. This is what she says. This week I started training for a half marathon. Do I want to run a half marathon? No.

But my best friend's son was recently diagnosed with a disease that's basically childhood Alzheimer's. It's just as bad as it sounds. There's currently no treatment or cure. So we're doing everything we can to help support crucial scientific research I'm running this race to raise as much money as I can. I'm hoping my fellow tuppies will help I would be so grateful Go to bit dot ly slash run numeral for Mar Mar bit dot ly slash run numeral four mar, M-A-R, bit.ly slash run numeral four

M-A-R. And you know what, Stephen? I'm not afraid to say it. Go ahead and put that in the episode description. It's for research. It's for research. In this house, we believe in science. I've seen your yard sign. I know that. Hey, what a great cause. That's awesome.

Thank you to Caitlin for doing that, for running the probably unpleasant half marathon to raise money for a good cause. So that's bit.ly run for MAR. And if you want to get up on the Jumbotron, you can. You don't have to be doing something good for the world. You don't have to be doing something good for the world. We'll say, we'll deliver a selfish message. Yeah. MaximumFun.org slash Jumbotron. And hey, guess what, Jordan? I'm headed out on the road.

So everybody who is on the East Coast, Philadelphia, New York City, Washington DC, and et cetera, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, I believe is also on this this swing. Go to maximumfund.org slash events and get your tickets to come see me and John Ojman. It's gonna be a really great time. We're also looking for cases. So if you've got a problem with somebody and you live there, go to maximumfund.org slash JJ HO and submit it to us. But yeah, it's a good old time.

And we even have a Los Angeles show coming up in 2025 that Jordan and I will be opening for. Yeah, and if you're in LA and you want to see an event before that, you want to go to an event soon, I'm going to be at 826 Fest. That's 826 LA, a great nonprofit here in LA that gets writing classes. I will be there doing a talk with Brea Grant

from reading classes. And we're going to be talking about making graphic novels. And I'm going to give a little tutorial on how to pitch your graphic novels. So if you ever wanted to learn about that, 826 Fest, that is on August 24th. You can find out more information at 826LA.org. And we're going to be signing books there and all that money is going to go to a great cause, which is 826LA. So yeah, come on out.

Maximum fun.org slash events 826LA.org. It's going to be a lot of fun. Hey, JJ Go listeners. Maximum fun dot org slash events. Eight to six L.A. Dot org. It's going to be a lot of fun. Hey, JJ, go listeners. Producer Steve Ray Morris here. Jordan wanted me to tell you that he'll be at GalaxyCon in San Jose. August 16th, 17th and 18th, he'll be selling and signing books and artists Ali Table J4, and he'll be leading a panel with some other great comic creators on Saturday at two 30 room 211 bd more

info at galaxy con.com. Back to the show. Okay, we'll be back in just a second on Jordan Jesse go. It's Jordan Jesse go I'm Jesse Thorne, America's Radio Sweetheart. Jordan Morris, Boy Detective. Lucy Tom Brenner, tentacle porn enthusiast. Yeah, okay, who isn't? Ken Bone, he's into something else. Balloons.

Balloons, beautiful balloons. Yeah, I mean I think those kind of balloons that You could get probably get one of those balloon animal guys to make some make you up. Oh pregnant lady Any more adult balloon tires, I think we do too. Yeah my next birthday party. I'm gonna get a balloon guy That's a work computer, and I'm going to ask you to use it to search, but there's pornographic balloon guys, right? Oh, I'm sure.

I know there's balloon pornography. That I know. Not the same thing, though. That's a different art. Where it's like the balloons might pop and that's like part of what makes it horny. But like... I think there's also a swallowing element. Oh, really?

Yeah. Oh, like a sword swallower Okay, I didn't know the phallic nature of a Interesting. Okay, but there's got to be party entertainers that make Sexual balloons. Oh for sure Yeah, we had a couple other did we have a couple other questions at the top of the show? Do we want to check in on those before we do momentous occasions? Yes.

So Walton Goggins was nominated for lead actor. Congratulations. Good for him. That's terrific. What better way to celebrate than coming on Jordan Jessica. So yeah, there's three varietals of Crystal Head vodka. The original is made from sweet corn vodka and that's the colorless one. There's the Aurora, which has an opalescent finish and it's dry and

spicier. And then Baja Blau. Well, they did just induce agave, a black bottle of agave. I have to say this, I felt really bad when Walton Goggins came on Bullseye because regular Jordan Jesse Goh listeners will remember the elaborate song parody of Never Too Much by Luther Vandross that I wrote and recorded in honor of Walden Gagin's vodka. And in that song, I suggested through the power of melody that it was a potato spirit. And in fact, Walden Gagin's Mulholland Distilling V vodka is not made of potatoes.

I believe it is a corn vodka. Believe it is, that is an American style of vodka. It's really big of you to admit that you were wrong and that you're gonna just grow and listen and change. I felt like just an absolute ass. I had to type out a whole thing in my notes app, take a screenshot of it and post it to Instagram. I felt so bad. Yeah, that was the right thing to do.

I felt so terrible about that. So sorry, WG. When something momentous happens to you, give us a call, 206-984-4FUN, or just send us a voice memo at jjgoatmaximumfun.org, such as this person has did. Hey, Jordan. Hey, Jesse, this is Eliza calling from Vermont with a momentous occasion. A couple weeks ago I went on a date with a man from New York City. He did not have a driver's license so I had to go pick him up at his mother's house. We had a nice date and then I brought him back to his mom's house and we started making out in her driveway and then he started going

down on me in his mother's driveway. And she was definitely home at the time. Yep. That's all I got. First of all, Eliza, I love your attitude. Great, dude. Eliza just came straight to the mic with fucking positive vibes, enthusiasm. This is what we're looking for in calls is this kind of Appealing personal quality that we lack right? Well, that's why she got eaten out and right So compelled yeah, I'm imagining mom up up in the top window in a rocker like psycho I'm eating her out mother. I'll be right up. That's the one thing that Psycho was missing, in my opinion.

Right, yeah. Yeah. I've always thought that about Psycho. Yeah, I mean, I know Hitchcock's a genius, but I didn't see any oral. Thank you. I am now imagining Eliza the next day out to brunch with her girlfriends, saying, well, you

know what we were always wondering about men from New York City. They do. I'm curious, like, did they crawl into the backseat? Did they get out into the backseat? This, by the way, is how Vermonters talk. Ah! More syrup. Hi, it's me, Ben Cohen. Have you tried my ice cream?

Yes, we will take more syrup over here. Thank you, waiter. We're fucking lousy with it over here in this state. Yeah, oral in the car, kind of lingus in the car, specifically, a challenge. I mean, maybe she's got a van. Maybe she's got a, you know. Yeah, a pussy eating van.

A pussy, yes. That's so smart. A van-a-lingus. I've been wanting to you know. Yeah, a pussy eating van. A pussy, yes. That's so smart. A vanalingus. I've been wanting to do that. Yeah. I drive a sports car for funsies. And a van for eating pussy.

Right, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was picturing. I'm glad that you brought that logistical issue up. Right. Thank you. I'm always wondering how people are getting their pussy eaten in small spaces.

Can I tell you what I pictured immediately? Please. Naturally as though it was how it works. So it was her, Eliza, sitting in the driver's rear seat, the driver's side rear seat, the rear driver's side seat, so back left. Do you imagine her crawling back there in in the heat of frenzied lust? She's already there somehow. Oh, OK. She imagined herself back there.

This didn't have a narrative. You can build a narrative. It has a dream logic, a dream logic. As most good car makeouts. Yeah, sure. Her legs are spread for access. And they're spread at a 45 degree angle across the diagonal of the car passenger area okay so if you imagine they're

pointing basically towards the passenger airbag okay yeah then he this New York City fell right and great time yeah she he probably never even mentioned it she just he just thought he knew about salsa. New York City. So he is completely horizontal, like head to toes, like parallel to the ground, straight out. Such a wide car. Point, point. No, but that's why it has to be on the diagonal.

On the diagonal. So- Well, car length is important, but car width is also very important How's it gonna fit in the driveway his toes Choose it up and cram it His toes are let's get serious We're sorry you're trying to. You're trying to say something.

We want to celebrate our caller. So his toes are in the front passenger corner. Then his chest is sort of over the center console. And his head is pointed up and straight into her intimate area. Sort of like the form that I'm picturing is somebody who's been shot out of a human cannonball. Right. It's straight.

Human cannonball. It's straight. Like a roller. Sure, with his mouth forward. Hands back behind like he's, okay. 100%. Like he was diving, there would be no splash. Yeah, exactly.

I hope there's a splash. She said he did a good job. Yeah. okay. 100%. If he was diving, there would be no splash. Yeah, exactly. I hope there's a splash. You said he did a good job. I'm proud of this. The opposite of the Olympics. You want a big splash. Yeah, yeah, you need one. Yeah. Can I, by the way, explain how he left?

Feet first. So he just slid straight out through the window. So, oh, okay, like he was being pulled. Yeah, like he was being pulled by his feet. It was his mom pulling him through the window. Oh, OK. Like he was being pulled backwards. Yeah, like he was being pulled by a pussie. Coming him up. It was his mom pulling him through the window. Yanking him out. And then, this is the 10th time this week.

I told you not to eat pussie in the driveway. That's why we have a pussie room. That's why he didn't move out. If you have a pussie room. Right, yeah, exactly. Yeah, I can find that in a small place in New York. Oh, gosh. I know.

New York rents to a boy. Every room's a pussie room. I feel like a Oh gosh, I know. New York rents, oh boy. Every room's a pussy room. I feel like a lot of people I know during the pandemic moved back home so they could have like a backyard, a pussy room. And a home office to do all your Zoom calls. Yeah. That's what I miss about the Midwest.

Oh yeah, sure. Yeah, pussy rooms. Yeah. Well, hey, let's go on Zillow. Ah, tornado, get on Zillow. Ah Tornado! Get to the pussy rooms! Let's go on Zillow, let's price some places, you know, in the Midwest with some nice pussy rooms and we'll come back for a little bit more. We'll be back in just a second on Jordan Tessico. La la la la la la la la la la la

Hey, do you have a favorite episode of Star Trek? If you do, you should also have a favorite Star Trek podcast. Greatest Trek is about all the new streaming Star Trek shows and it's a great companion to The Greatest Generation, our hit show about back catalog Star Trek that you grew up with. It's a comedy podcast by two folks who used to be video producers. So it's a serious mix of comedy and insight that fits right into the Maximum Fun network of shows. And Greatest Trek is one of the most popular Star Trek podcasts in the world.

So if you're following Lower Decks, Prodigy, or Strange New Worlds, come hang out with us every Friday as we roast and review our favorite Star Trek shows. It's on MaximumFun.org, YouTube or your podcast catching app. From the twisted minds that brought you the adventure zone, balance and amnesty and graduation and ethercy and steeplechase and uterus space and all the other ones, the McElroy brothers and dad are proud to reveal a bold vision for the future of actual play podcasting. It's called the Adventure Zone versus Dracula?

Yeah, we're gonna kill Dracula's ass. Well, we haven't recorded all of it yet. We will attempt to kill Dracula's ass. The Adventure Zone versus Dracula. Yes, a season I will be running using the D&D fifth edition rule set. And there's two episodes out for you to listen to right now. We hope you will join us.

Same bat time, same bat channel. For more fun. I see what you did there. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la. It's Jordan, Jesse, go. I'm Jesse Thorne, America's radio sweetheart. Jordan Morris, boy detective. Lucy Talon Brenner, tentacle enthusiast.

Jordan, did you know that Lucy is a Halloween dad? I maybe could have guessed, but I'd like to hear more about that. By her bat garb? Yes, I did come in in a bat costume of sorts. Lucy, you're not always gothic in aesthetic. Like, I feel like if, when I said to my wife, when I said to my wife, you're not gonna believe who is the guest on Jordan Jesse Go, I said, it's that Nancy Sinatra lady from Vidiant.

Oh my goodness, that's one of the best compliments I've ever received, thank you so much, because I'm always wearing really high boots to work. Yeah, I mean, you know, you'll be wearing, it's not always, it's not always bats. Yeah, I mean, you know, you'll be wearing... It's not always... It's not always baths. It's not always black and white.

Yeah, I know. It's a lot of... I like vintage. I like weird... People also think I look like Miss Frizzle, like the magic school bus. People always ask if I'm an art teacher, which I think it's because it's like grownups who have any type of like hooky style. They're like, you're with kids a lot, right?

And I'm like, nope, I'm just a weird artist wandering the streets alone. But yeah, I've loved Halloween since I was a little kid, just got really obsessed with it. I tried to ask my mom like how that got started. And she said, I have no idea. You were like three or four years old and you asked if we could decorate the house for Halloween. And she went with it. And it just got kind of bigger and bigger every year. And I'm also kind of, I love history, I like American history a lot. I'm fascinated by just, you know, the ways in which things repeat themselves and trying to figure out like, where does this thread begin? You know, and with Halloween every year I would listen to different podcasts and there

weren't any that really deep dived Halloween the way I wanted it to and like the icons and all the little history connected to the traditions. And so during the pandemic, when I felt bad, I was like, the thing that makes me the happiest, that brings me the most joy, that has nothing to do with comedy or film. I just wanted to kind of move away from what I'm usually

doing, was Halloween. So I was like, let me research different Halloween things. And I was like, I could turn this into a podcast. So I did. That was my pandemic project. And I have history episodes that I do. And then I also, what I really love, this kind of turned into the big thing on the podcast

is I have call-in episodes. I don't get anything as fantastic as people getting their pussy eaten in a driveway, probably because thematically it's a little different. Maybe getting your pussy eaten at a haunted house. I don't know. I feel like if there's a holiday that you're going to get your pussy eating in a driveway. Halloween, yeah.

In a costume, in a hearse. Oh, yeah. There's things in a hearse. Maybe she was driving a hearse. Well, that makes sense. That makes sense. She's my people. I thought of one other, Galentine's Day.

Yes. That's sure. A lot of pussy eating on Galentine's Day. Yes. That's sure. A lot of pussy eating on Gallentine's Day. Yeah, you just don't see those cards at Target. But it's happening. So I have these call-in episodes that I call... Weirdly they have them at Walmart if you need to get them, right?

You can even get them in bulk at Sam's Club. They have the plastic wrap around them with a little black-like filter on top of it. But yeah, they're called Small Frights, and people call and they write in and share their own personal histories. So I'm kind of like this keeper of stories. And we have, you know, it's international listeners, so you get to hear all these traditions from people who celebrate similar holidays

that are a little different, but then, you know, even like North and South, like United States, like people have these, all these different traditions. And so we're sort of mapping all of these different. What's the weirdest regional Halloween tradition? Maybe like Goosey Night? Oh yeah, I've heard of Goosey Night.

It's fun to say. It's like Devil's Night. Yeah, there's all of these. So like the night before Halloween, like Halloween Eve has like four or five different titles in different parts of the country, and each one has their own tradition. So sometimes it's like fully like destroying property.

Devil's night is more violent. Goosey night is more like I'm playing a little prank on you, like April's Fool. Sure. People Fool's Day kind of thing. Some people feeling your pills. Yeah, yeah. Gotcha. Hope you don't have a heart attack tonight. No pills for you. Your nitroglycerin's in my pocket.

So I really like that. By the way, the only things I know about heart medicine come from television shows from 1970. So if people don't still take nitroglycerin pills when they think they're having a heart attack on the golf course. Yeah, I don't get a lot of heart attack calls. Thankfully, I'm not trained for that. Yeah, but it's really fun because I'm trained to eat pussy and bear.

Yes, exactly. And with, you know, you record your podcast live, so you wouldn't be able to help in the moment. Right. That's what's that's what's really difficult is all the medical emergencies. I can't help with like I bank these. So sometimes I, you know, it's a month out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then there are ghosts, which does fit. Yeah. Yeah. Right now, there's this there are ghosts, which does fit. Yeah. Yeah.

Right now there's this big debate going on between people who think trick or treat is dead and being taken over by trunk or treat. There's a fear in certain parts of the country that trunk or treat is taking over. Trunk or treat sucks. Yes. If it was to replace trick or treat, absolutely. But I've also been schooled that trunk or treat is good for people who live in apartment buildings because it's like not common

This is where like the community gathers in like a parking lot Sure people dress up I've also been told that trunk or treat sometimes happens earlier in October so can be a part of the festivities Oh, yeah, I'm like, okay. I like that the more festivities the better Personally, I prefer my church's harvest festival where we celebrate the harvest. That's what it was originally saw in 2000 years ago as a harvest festival and a New Year's festival because that October was the end of the year for them, which in darkness. Yeah. Let me run something by you that came up on Judge John Hodgman recently.

Please. One of our litigants on the show suggested that the most goth holiday was Christmas. Yeah, I could see that. Because originally, winter was a time for ghost stories more than the harvest time was. Is that what their argument was? Yeah. It's the darkest time of year.

Yeah. And it's supposed to be when they're, obviously the veil is the thinnest on Halloween. And it's supposed to be when they're, you know, obviously the veil is the thinnest on Halloween, but there are supposed to be, past Halloween, there's supposed to be just nonstop spirits out and about. This is the veil that separates the spirit world and the human world. Yes, obviously.

Okay. How many other veils? What other veils are you thinking of? Name three other veils, I hear you. I'm thinking Colorado. Colorado, oh yeah. The scariest place in the country When you know what I always say when the when the veil is it it's thick is just stuff it in

Right into Colorado What are we talking about anymore? Jordan what are we talking about for 12 years? 12 years 15 12 years? 15 years. Yeah, a lot of years. 15 years. We'll figure it out.

Boy, what are we doing with our lives, Jordan? I don't know, it's all right. I'm just maxing and relaxing, baby. Yeah, meet me at the Cabo Wabo after the show, Jordan. No, it closed. Oh, God damn. I don't know where the closest Cabo Wabo is. Man, we should get a producer.

Yeah. All right, Stephen, can we, we're gonna say goodbye. Yeah. We gotta find closest Cabo Wabo is. Man, we should get a producer. Yeah. All right, Stephen, can we, we're gonna say goodbye. Yeah. We gotta find the Cabo Wabo. Real quick, did you get it, did you, and now I know we don't want you searching on a work computer for this, but is there any, did you get any revelations about adult balloon?

I did not wanna search that, right? It's understandable, we will let that one slide. I mean, I'll look it up after the show. Sure, yeah. On my own the show. Sure. Yeah. On your personal time. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. For hours.

Well, yeah. What's the what remind people of the name of the podcast again? It's always Halloween year round. Halloween history podcast. And folks in Southern California can come to some comedy shows that you organize. Yes. Yeah. You can come see video visions at Video Tech on the fourth Thursday of every month, cinema inspired improvised stand up show based on film clips. And yeah, and I also I'm a UCB person, pack theater. So I'm everywhere on the comedy scene. I got the bash.com here has the top 20 balloon twisters for hire in Los Angeles, California.

Okay. Balloon twister? Sort of a sexy name. Yeah. Do you think Ken Bone got his balloons twisted a few times in elementary school? Or did he say that to other women? You want them balloons twisted? You can add twisted balloons and make them into a doggie. We adorn you.

I just like pictures. We adorn you. I just like pictures. Yes. So we got a We Adorn You, the Los Angeles balloon artist, Joe's Party Animals, who also provide a glitter tattoo party service. Oh, you know Joe does the nasty stuff. I don't.

I think you have full body. You know, like those full body paint-like clothes? Oh, yeah. Like a full body glitter tattoo. Sure. I thought you made a whole balloon human anatomically correct balloon human I can't afford a real doll so can you make a balloon doll for me very gentle with him yeah yeah

don't pop me Stephen closest Cabo Wabo to the studio did you figure it out well I mean it says the one in Hollywood but I thought that one close yeah I guess I thought it did too. But maybe maybe they saved it. Maybe they know it says it's open Oh my gosh closes soon at 11 p.m. Oh, can we wrap it up? Can we wrap it up? I gotta I gotta make it Take a booboo before last call Guys, yeah, sorry. I know that we're trying to wrap this up. I'm on balloon HQ calm. Okay This has an FAQ for twisting for other audiences. By the way, definitely, it appears

to be the term of art, twisting. Twisting balloons. One of them is adult sculptures. Before I get to adult sculptures, I just got a real quick touch on twisting for obnoxious teens. adult sculptures, I just got a real quick touch on twisting for obnoxious teens. Okay. I actually had one kid take a green balloon of mine he found and make it stick out of his pants like a huge male organ.

He was obviously dreaming. Any tips? He said, do you carry scissors? If not, do. Then if this ever happens again, reach out with those scissors and pop that male organ, then say something like, usually I do my circumcisions or vasectomies post-mortem. Look the offending kids right in the eye with his stern or his kind of look as you care to have and finish with this. Be glad I made an exception this time. Usually I raise one eyebrow at the word this to emphasize my point. By the way, usually? Yeah. This comes up enough. Then I am asked to

leave. Yeah, you're talking to a 15-year-old about myectomies. Like, come on. Threatening to kill them? Yeah, cut their dick off. I'm gonna cut your dick off and then kill you. Well, usually I kill you first, then cut your dick off. You wish your dick was this big, child? I'm like, oh my God. It says adult sculptures, restaurant work, and adults. About X-rated stuff, my response is, sorry, clowns are family entertainment. That is not true.

Oh, fucking high-roaded from this? Come on. Sex work is work and restaurant work is not true. Oh, fucking high-roaded from this. Sex work is work and restaurant work is sex work. That's what I said. Thank you. I'm clapping and not sure why. People will ask for anatomically correct balloon sculptures on a hat in a restaurant. What the fuck is this? Sentences! On a hat in a restaurant? For the most part, customers don't want them in the restaurant. Just tell the client, this is a family restaurant and you're not allowed to do that kind of sculpture there. If they're persistent, tell them to ask to talk to the manager.

And if he or she comes to you himself to tell you that you can do it, then no problem. Otherwise, no way. I've never had a restaurant manager say yes to one of those, and I've never asked them to approve it. I only send them to ask on the days that the general manager is working. The general manager always says no, and then thanks me for having them ask him. People complain to me I won't do them. I explain that if they want that kind of balloon, they can hire me for a private party, and I'll be glad to make them there. After all, the last thing I need is to have someone say, hey, how does your daughter know what that looks

like? And then to hear the reply, oh, she got sex education from the balloon lady at Friday's. Wow. There is so much in there. Yeah. Listen, not, it says. It says not. It's not worth it. I lose my reputation as a balloon sculptor. I refuse to be responsible for that. Wow. This fucking FAQ is amazing. Sorry, is this, this is a Fridays that hires a balloon twister. It is wise to make cheesecake sculptures outside of the venue or in a very dark corner

with the assurance of discretion. I.E. please do not wave the balloon phallus about in full view of the diners while shouting drunken obscenities. Like I've got a huge talk. Yeah, this balloon artist has a lot of hangups. He's been asked many times I guess to put boobs and dicks on I will say yes to a general manager

But not to build on the pronouns immediately. Yeah, he was like he she but also Let's are you how many it's a man? TGI Friday woman could never You don't have the dispositions they would be hysterical. He's sitting in the back of a van all day. Thank you. Usually they have no problem with taking something else we make. If not, I'm sorry.

I have set my standards and plan to stick to them. Except for he said he would go to someone's house privately. Sure. I would go into a dark corner. Yeah, those are my standards. Right. Not at the table, but like, what's the dark corner in TGI Fridays? Like next to a plant? Twisting for elderly audiences.

I went on Meals on Wheels today and twisted balloons for the folks on the route. They are all so lonely and really, really enjoy chatting and getting a balloon. Don't think that adults aren't interested in your balloon entertainment. There are seniors who eat at this restaurant I work, and they love getting balloons created for them, not their grandchildren. I cannot recommend balloonhq.com enough. Steven, we have some booking requests for the next show it's gonna sound so bad on Mike just to like squeaky squeaky squeaky oh no we're

gonna get into psychological stuff we don't want to we don't want to make balloons we want to ask this person about their childhood okay good make sure all your corners are lit up oh yeah oh yeah cuz you have a dark corner make a pussy's to withstand the pussy's you know I think we should give them of You guys are going to start making pussies. That's what he starts, twisting the pussies. You know, I think we should give them the full Mark Maron and ask who their guys are. Who your guys are. Carlin, Pryor.

Those guys could twist a pussy. And you can't twist pussies anymore on college campuses. Oh, boy. He's one of those. Luce, it's been a joy to have you on the program. We'll see you at the video store soon. I look forward to it. Stephen Ray Morris is the producer of the program,

and we're producer Emeritus, Brian Sonny D. Fernandez, and also our theme music is Love You by The Free Design, courtesy of The Free Design and Light in the Attic Records. Our thanks to them. Find us on Instagram. We've got some new dank memes going up. How dank are the memes? Brat level dank memes.

Whoa! Brat level dank. Kamala approved? Yes. Yeah, Kamala's brat. Jordan Jessie Gopod on Instagram. Oh, is Kamala a brat? Yeah, Kamala's brat.

CharlieXCX said it. Oh, is CharlieXCX Coconut, though? Yes. Too many memes. I don't remember all the memes. Hock-Dua? I don't know. CX coconut though Probably okay, that's all we'll talk to you next time on Jordan. Yes, you go I will love you.