Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - Aisha Tyler

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

In Craig’s words "Aisha Tyler is so cool I’m always aghast that she agrees to hang out with me. Come share her elegance, poise and intelligence and my (a)ghastliness on this weeks Joy.”  Check out Aisha’s new cocktail company losophe and catch her on new season of Criminal Minds premiering June 6th. EnJOY! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

I'm Angie Martinez, and on my podcast, I like to talk to everyone from Hall of Fame athletes to iconic musicians about getting real on some of the complications and challenges of real life. I had the best dad, and I had the best memories and the greatest experience, and that's all I want for my kids as long as they can have that. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Guess what, Will?

What's that, Mango? I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults. I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy. We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy.

We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money. And then, of course, can you game a dog show? So what you're saying is everyone should be listening. Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts. For 10 years, I've been obsessed with one of the most bizarre and audacious cons in rock and roll history. We were all facing 20 years and all that good stuff. The lead singer tried to pull off an English accent, and they went on the road as the zombies. These guys are not going to get away with it.

The zombies are too popular. I'll show you everyone. It's that time. Listen to the true story of the fake zombies on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. When I do live gigs around the country, I'll be honest with you, I sell t-shirts and swag to the folks who are there. And then people always say, can we get the swag without sitting through a whole evening of you? Well, it's happened. It's finally here. You can buy Craig Ferguson merch on the Craig Ferguson merch website, and you can buy it for yourself or someone you hate or someone you love. For more information and link to the web store, please go to thecraigfergusonshow.com.

That's all lowercase, thecraigfergusonshow.com. My name is Craigguson the name of this podcast is joy i talk to interesting people about what brings them happiness my guest today is someone who i've known for a very long time she was one of my favorite guests when i was doing the late night show and she is maybe the coolest person i know now i know some pretty cool people she's certainly in the top 50. she's very very cool aisha tyler how are you hmm i'm so good. Is your coffee tasty? I love this coffee. It was described to me as a blonde Americano.

That's right. Strange sexual subtext with the coffee, but it tastes nice. It's got a little bit of a doublon ton, if you don't mind me saying so. It really does. I don't mind it at all. It's delicious. It's from a new company called Strboops. Never heard of them before.

No idea. Right. So somebody just told me you've got a cocktail company. I started a cocktail company. Yeah. You know, I can't remember the last time I saw you. It's been a long time. Been a long time.

In person anyway. Right. Well, let me tell you this, because I don't know if you knew at the time. I think you did, because I think I said it to you. Like, because you were, when I quit late night, they said, who do you think should take over? And I said, I used to. Oh my God, thank you for that. Thank you.

No one listens to me. No one listens to me either. Because the whole time I was doing that show, I was worried about my weight and my accent. And then they pick a fat guy with a worse accent than me. I'm like, that's not right at all. Are you still working for CBS?

Yeah, I still work for CBS. Criminal Minds. Well, now Criminal Minds is on Paramount+. So it's like right at all. Are you still working for CBS? Don't you? Yeah, I still work for CBS. Criminal Minds. Well, now Criminal Minds is on Paramount+. So it's like the parent organization. It's not CBS anymore. Criminal Minds is like an institution now. It's in its 17th season, which is just like a mathematic impossibility.

You must be really rich. It's like 17 seasons. I've only done seven seasons. Only seven? Oh, yeah. So you're still in the kind of like 50 bucks an episode? I'm still world building. But yeah, I mean, I realize now that I had been working for CBS in some capacity or another for probably two decades.

My God. I had a couple of overall deals there and then I did Ghost Whisperer and then I was on, you know, The Talk and I did CSI for a season. They must really, they really love you. I don't know if it's me. It's a company of loyalty.

I mean, I think they bet on their own good instinct, right? Like if they bet on you, they believe in you, they stick with you. I never really worked for them. No? No. you, they believe in you, they stick with you. I never really worked for him. No? No. When I was doing Laney, I worked for Dave.

Like, Lerman owned my time slot. That's right. CBS owned the thing. Yeah. Yeah. So, did you ever interact with CBS?

Yeah, a little bit. Not much. I mean, I had to go to the building, but not much. I had to have, I had to go to some Super Bowls every now and again.

Oh, I just went to the Super Bowl this year. It was a really, really good game. It was my nighter. The Swifties versus the Techies. Everyone else. The Swifties versus the internet. Because you're from San Francisco. I'm from San Francisco.

That's right. I was just there last week. Oh, were you? Yeah, it's awesome right now. It's a great city. It's, in my opinion, and obviously I'm biased, it's the most beautiful city in America. It's the most European feel about it. It is. It's like our Paris, right? It's surrounded by water, it's walkable, there's great restaurants. It's got the most beautiful baseball park in the world. I will actually get into a physical altercation over it. I haven't been to the baseball park. It's delirious. It overlooks the bay and there's a splashdown alley

where if there's a home run, it goes into the water and there are kayakers out there catching the baseballs. And then it's San Francisco, so you can get sushi. Garlic fries at the park. Because I was looking on social media, which is a mistake. You shouldn't do that. No, you shouldn't.

And I'm shocked. That feels out of character for you, actually. I don't have it anymore. You didn't pull out. No, you shouldn't. And I'm shocked. That feels out of character for you, actually. It actually did. I don't have it anymore. You can pull out your abacus to look at social media. Every now and again, I do it. Like, I download Instagram, because I have got an Instagram account. Yeah, yeah. And normally, it's just like... Ignore it. Yeah.

Somebody says, oh, you're posting a thing about your podcast. I'm like, okay, good. This is what we're going to say. Is that okay? Yeah. Yeah. But every now and again again i go on it and look at it and i was looking at for some reason san francisco because i was going there it came up and it was like san francisco the hell of san francisco it's on fire and i was like you went and it was like birds are tweeting and it's fine perfect it's just the same because i grew up there like that i find that narrative specifically irritating.

I'm like, there's always been an intense, I don't even say homeless problem. It's just, it's a progressive city and people help homeless people. So homeless people go there because they know there are services. They know it's a good place if you're poor because it's a progressive place and people are going to take care of you. The big problem, honestly, is tech, right? Tech took over the city and then they abandoned it. And so there's a part of San Francisco, it's pretty small, where they all left their offices, they empty. And it feels a little bit like a ghost town, but I blame Zuckerberg. I blame Zuckerberg for most things. I swear to God, I think that one of the worst things that's happened to the human race in the past 50 years,

and there's been a few pretty bad things. It's been pretty bad. But social media is, that's a civilization ender if we're not careful. It's bad. It is. It's interesting because I can see the value in it. Like I remember during COVID feeling like they're like, and my Twitter feed is pretty positive because I look at positive things.

So like my Twitter feed was, you know, I looked at puppy videos and kitten videos were like my primary source of information during COVID because it was the only way not to lose your mind. But, you know, Twitter was responsible for, or at least partly responsible for driving the Arab Spring. It was partially, I think, predominantly responsible for driving Black Lives Matter. Like it was a way for people to share information without the filter of kind of corporate media. It was a way for you to get information from people on the ground rather than, again, from corporate media. But, I mean, because I'm not a 12-year-old girl, I know when I'm looking at something on the Internet that's going to make me feel like shit for weeks after. So I don't look at it, right?

I have an ability to filter with my mind. Using the power of my mind. Using my mind and brain. Yeah, this is bullshit. This is real. I think that I could easily become a radicalized Facebook mom if I had Facebook. I used to know when I was looking at bullshit, and now I kind of don't. Yeah, it's tough to parse.

And there are elements that are trying to tell you like everything you see around you i mean this is like a thought a thought experiment what if all of a sudden every message you got was the world isn't real everything you're looking at isn't real everything you've been told isn't real you can't figure you can't get back on the answer for this oh his hand is up you guys yes craig craig craig so here's what i think so you're familiar with the work of renee descartes Yeah, no, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, of God. And so he started with that he would doubt everything. So you just doubt everything. I doubt that I exist. I doubt that God exists. I doubt the universe is real. I doubt everything. So that's where we start. The only thing you can't doubt is that you're doubting. I mean, you can. If you're doubting, you're doubting. So if you're doubting,

what you need to do to doubt is to think, right? And if you're thinking, that's where he got to cognito ergo sum. If I'm thinking, I exist. So I think, therefore, I am. And I wonder if with social media, the answer is not to try and stop it. Because you're not going to stop it. It's not going to stop. It may devour itself.

It may eroborose itself at some point. I think X is eventually going to wink a lot of existence. Well, it's no longer as relevant as it was. I mean, it's not got the teeth that it had. When it was Twitter, it had real teeth. It's literally like a party at 4.30 in the morning where three people are still in there

and they're pouring all the beers together to make one giant kind of one beer. I'm an idea for a truck. Really? Yeah, it's like a fat DeLorean. Really? Oh yeah, that'll be awesome.

That's going to be rad. Yeah, and they're just in the corner screaming at each other. Oh my God. Yeah. But the whole idea of using reason

to fight against the power of social media, because I'm genuinely scared. I don't know if I'm scared of it. I'm sickened by it, though. It's worth being, you know, frightened on behalf of people who are living in a space of doubt

and can't fight their way out. Yeah, and also I have children. Oh, and I mean, I couldn't even imagine having kids in this climate. Like, my mother wouldn't let me watch television. We didn't have a TV. I read a lot. I mean, I couldn't even imagine having kids in this climate. Like, my mother wouldn't let me watch television. We didn't have a TV. I read a lot. I mean, it explains a lot.

But she was like, you know, you've got to form your own ideas. You've got to form your own perception of the world. Reason. Yeah, you've got to reason. You've got to take in as much information as possible and make your own calculations. But kids don't do that. They're being shaped by forces outside of themselves when at their most impressionable and i was just having a conversation with someone

we really went deep so fast i was having a conversation i really want to talk to you about my booze company we're going to talk about getting drunk yeah well this way after you free yourself out then um but um it was that that fear you know that they're kind of like these primary drivers in the human body the human mind and one of them is fear and that fear, you know, that they're kind of like these primary drivers in the human body, the human mind. And one of them is fear and that fear and anger are like very closely coupled, right? You know, we're animals and we've only been walking upright for a very short period of time in our evolutionary span. We know we just figured out how to turn the lights on. If you believe in evolution.

Otherwise, we've been around for, you know, 600 years. Yeah, right. And we were plopped on the earth with a fig leaf. Fig dinosaurs. Fig leaf on our junk. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fake dinosaurs, fake fossils. Such an elaborate ruse.

What a broad, sprawling false flag operation they've been operating. If you're an all-powerful deity, why would you pull some kind of prank like that? When you ask people these kinds of questions, right? Like, who and how and why would somebody spread these false fossils all over the world? I mean, there's just no way to, you can't, it can't be, you're just like, you'll go fizzle in the corner with your buddy with the worm at the end of the party. But that the fear and the anger, because, you know, we're, you know, these kind of cowering creatures that we were living in caves and we were going to be eaten. They serve a purpose, right? If you're frightened

then, and you're, you know, you're fearful, then you get angry, then you fight, you protect yourself, you protect your family, you stay alive. Well, now, you know, everybody's driving around in a cushy car and, you know, staring at a shiny box. And so all that fear and anger, that kind of natural fear and anger that has been a protective element of, you know, our species for so long is now connected to the internet and to social media. And so because it's a natural reaction, but it doesn't have anywhere to go,

it's tethered to images of these people are trying to kill me. These people are threatening my way of life. This person wants to steal my daughter. This person wants to eat babies. None of these things are true, but we have to put that energy somewhere. And because people can't figure out what's real anymore, they become consumed by false images. So what do we do?

How do we figure out what's real? I have a plan. How about a cocktail? How about we have a cocktail and we watch the new season of Criminal Minds? You are, you know, I know you haven't had a drink in a very long time. Very long time.

Very, very long time, which I'm very impressed by. But you're also like a very sophisticated thinker. I'll take it. You are. You're a very high thinker. My relationship with booze is complex, you know, because I love it and I'm a spirits enthusiast. I don't do a lot. I'm a quality over quantity lady.

Well, see, I would say that was healthy, though. Yeah. I mean, you know, I feel like it's something that's been a tool of conviviality. It's a way to connect with people. That's how it is for most people. Just for me, it's not. But for most people, I think booze is reasonably healthy. And I think, you know, to think about it like anything else in the world, like social media or whatever it is,

to try to find a way to have a healthy relationship with it and realize if you can't to put it down. Right. Has I think always a good way to look at it. But I, I just used to love the experience of going to a great bar, having a great drink, talking to the bartender. You know, I was a standup, you know what I mean? That's when you're a standup, you have your hour on stage and then the other 23 hours that you have to like entertain yourself.

Yeah, I know. And you gotta be careful. Yeah. And so I would go to a bar, I would go to a bar, you know, to talk to somebody because, you know, you can only eat bar mix in your hotel room and watch Law & Order reruns

so many nights before. Well, with me, it's criminal minds, but I hear what you're saying. Thank you for that. Thank you for that. And then I wanted to find a way to create that experience for people who didn't do that.

You know, the idea of like, rather than drinking some sad, warm beer or bad bottle of wine to have one great drink at home but not have to make it yourself so will you it does it come like pre-made it's pre-made it's a ready to drink cocktail it's the brand is the line is called loss of you like philosophy all right um and uh which stands for the philosophy of elevation the idea of like don't drink the worst thing, have expression, the best expression of what you're going to drink.

Use reason. Use reason. Some. Oh my God, in Latin, no less. And so, and so it was really a way

of saying, you know, you deserve better because so much of this ready to drink stuff is pretty trashy. Like, so we have a margarita.

It's the first, the first cocktail that we're launching with. It's 100% organic. It's 100% Blue Weber, agave, tequila, bottled in Mexico.

It only has three ingredients, tequila, triple second lime, which is all it should be in a margarita. You're right. And it took us two and a half years to develop. We hired a citrus PhD. I didn't even know those things existed. Wait, so somebody goes to college like a fancy college. Oh, very fancy. And so what's your PhD going to be?

Limes and lemons. Limes and lemons. Limes and lemons. Limes and lemons. What else is there apart from limes and lemons? Orange, tangerine, tangelo, Buddha's hand. Oh my God, there are so many. I feel such a fool. I've been living in a...

You flung Latin in my face. I had to come back very aggressively. I'm a citrus illiterate. That's unbelievable. There are many others that I couldn't even possibly mention. Oh, kumquats. Kumquats. The kumquats are in the Double Entendre Hall of Fame along with Lake Titicaca.

Absolutely. There's another one as well. I can't remember what it is. The blue-footed booby. Blue-footed booby. That's it. Blue-footed booby, kumquats, and Lake Titicaca. The Dublon Grand Hall of Fame.

The Craig Ferguson Fancy Rascal Stand-Up Tour continues throughout the United States in 2024. For a full list of dates and tickets, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com slash tour. See you out there. Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life and marriage. I don't think he knew how big it would be, how big the life I was given and live is. I think he was like, oh, yeah, things come and go. But with me, it never came and went.

Is she Donna Martin or a down-and-out divorcee? Is she living in Beverly Hills or a trailer park? In a town where the lines are blurred, Tori is finally going to clear the air in the podcast Misspelling. When a woman has nothing to lose, she has everything to gain. I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild.

Listen to Miss Spelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between. This life right here, just finding myself, just relaxation relaxation, this not feeling stressed, this not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you've got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly.

Life ain't easy and it's getting harder and harder. So if you have a story to tell, if you've come through some trials, you need to share it because you're going to inspire someone. You're going to you're going to give somebody the motivation to not give up, to not quit. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Back in 1969, this was the hottest song around. So hot that some guys from

Michigan tried to steal it. My name is Daniel Ralston. For 10 years, I've been obsessed with one of the most bizarre and audacious cons in rock and roll history. A group would have a hit record, and quickly they would hire a bunch of guys to go out and be the group. People were being cheated on several levels. After years of searching, we bring you the true story of the fake zombies. I was like blown away. These guys are not going to get away with it. Listen to the true story of the fake zombies on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

When I said to you earlier that when I left late night, you were my, you know, like they said to me, who do you think should take over? And I said, I think I used to have a big best for it because I think that you had the class and the poise that I hadn that you had the the class and the and the poise

that I hadn't done for the 10 years previously is it something that you would have been interested in do you think? I was interested in it at the time and I guest hosted oh yeah I did I guest hosted

yeah a lot of people come through did you enjoy it? it's so interesting you know I love this I mean I you know I loved coming on the show when you did it.

Yeah. Because I came out of standup. Radio was a big fundamental part of my life for such a long time. I love the art of conversation. I mean, I think comedians, passionate comedians, I mean, we're very varied people, but I think like at our core, we just love to have a conversation, right? We just want to sit down and like talk shit. Well, there's... Some guys want to scream at you,

or fart or blow something up or break something with a hammer. Cut a watermelon. Yeah, exactly. But I think we just want to have the chats. You know what I mean? I think that's true, but I think there is a generational divide.

Maybe I'm just like, you know, I'm on my lawn or yelling at people, but I'm not really complaining about it. I just notice a difference that there is a there is a thing now where people will say, I really would like to have a career in comedy. And they make it sound like like it's it's like being a citrus PhD or something. something do you know it's like like it's a like i think the comedians that i like and i include you in this are people who kind of are in some way tortured into it do you know what i mean that there's like the chats thing you talk about i think that's true like uh but comedians who who are kind of like i i really need to talk to someone. Right, someone, anyone. Because I'm a mess.

I'm going to explode. Yeah. Whereas, you know, there are other comedians, and I guess it's maybe not that new. They'll come and say, hey, you know, how about those airline peanuts, everybody? Or what's the deal with shoes? You have to tie them. You don't tie them. And I'm like, well, I don't worry about that.

I worry a lot more about bigger, maybe bigger, but maybe I should be worried about shoes. I don't know. I feel like, you know, you and then the guys that I really admired when I was a baby comic were the conversationalists, you know, the Bill Hicks's and the Mark Maron's. And I was, I mean, you know, Mark's probably going to just spin off into space. I mean, you know, Mark's probably going to just spin off into space. But I just I wanted to be Mark because what it felt like when I was watching him was this is a guy just sitting down and he's talking to the audience. And it always felt really organic and natural. It felt like a conversation. I think with Mark it is.

I mean, he's like he's such a I mean, knowing him personally, he's a difficult person. Yes, very challenging. Oh, my God. He's been he's been improving himself for quite a bit of time. He's getting better and better every day. Yeah, he has. I haven't seen him in years. Yeah, I think he's evolved quite a bit.

I mean, or Tom Rhodes or, you know, or the grandfather of all of us, Richard Pryor. You know what I mean? Where it was, you know, obviously a very tortured guy, but it was also this conversation, right? Like, versus the guys that were like, here, poop, fart, sounds, way hawk. It was like, this is something that happened to me. And you felt, I always say to baby comics now, like it's,

it's important to be funny, but that's not the most important thing. No. The most important thing is to tell the truth. Yeah. Because if you, if you, you can see when someone leaves a show,

they're like, that was hilarious. And when someone goes, oh my fucking God. Yeah. You have to hear what this guy was saying. When people are nodding their heads and they're punching their friend in the arm

because they're like, they're feeling something. Yeah. And then the laugh is like important, but, but complimentary, you know what I mean? And well, I think what you're talking about though, is a live standup performance. I mean, what, what exists now that I don't think, I mean, there used to be like for a standup, you would try and get a 10 minutes spot at the Tonight Show or a 10 minutes spot at the Improv or a 10 minutes spot. It was always a 10-minute spot.

Yes, that was supposed to encapsulate your point of view. Right, in 10 minutes. And now you have to do that in 45 seconds, 30 seconds. I don't know. I mean, I could never do it in 10 minutes. It takes me half an hour to start the show. I'm like, hey, good evening. Well, when I say good evening, and then it takes me a while.

The roots of the word evening go back and back. If you look at Rene Descartes, when he say good evening, and you know, and then it takes me a while. The roots of the word evening go back and back. You know, if you look at Rene Descartes, when he said good evening, and he was a citrus PhD. But the idea of now somehow, it's different. I don't know. Maybe it's better even. I don't know. But it's certainly different. I don't watch a lot of comedy.

And I don't know why that is. There's not a comedian, living or dead, I would pay money to go and see. Right, right. Not one. But then I'm like, why am I? Maybe I'm the person standing on my front lawn. Oh, you kids don't know anything about. Like, I used to not watch comedy because I didn't want other people's jokes to get in my head.

And now, strangely, it's like I'm a retired porn star and I'm never going to have sex again. Like, I'm not that compelled by it. Like, I'm not like, oh, let's watch a special. I did watch... Let me just roll you back to the retirees. That's just one for the kids. Right, right. That I did, I haven't watched the Gerard Carmichael special,

Nathaniel, even though I know it was really popular, but I watched his reality show, which is like really, really wild. And one thing, there's a bunch of his comedy in there and he's doing that thing where he's just sitting on the chair talking to people. that there's a bunch of his comedy in there and he's doing that thing where he's just sitting on the chair talking to people right and there's there's something about like and i feel like you did this too there's something about like letting the air out of the room where there's not the pressure to have three jokes a minute and it is a conversation that also

lets take the pressure off the audience too right oh yeah now we're just going to connect with this guy not like well i didn't laugh for the last 30 minutes i have to have another rub and coke and drown my feelings yeah um that but that that that or like tig notaro who's also very kind of a conversationalist right that's an interesting yeah that's someone who that's the real deal but but for me that the the idea of stand up it it it is i i don't like even putting the word comedy on it. I know. Stand-up. Stand-up.

Because there's going to be times when, not in a club, like if there's chicken fingers coming out, and it depends. I think sometimes you've got to kind of read the audience a little bit and let them find you. But it is odd to me.

That wasn't exciting. To me, that was an exciting kind of math problem to solve, walking into a room and seeing where the audience was and meeting them where they were, like versus coming barreling in, you know, with your t-shirt cannon, you know. We all did because, you know, you're like, I got to get this hour done so I can get my money

and go back to the hotel and drink my oxidized glass of Sauvignon Blanc. That's not how I did it. I did a lot of cocaine and I had a guitar. Oh, the good old days. I used to do comedy songs and everything. Oh, my God. Oh, this is so off-piste.

Oh, this is so off-piste. Do you remember, this was like when I was very much in my baby years, that there was this infamous video of this guy at the Punchline in San Francisco who was a guitar comic, and he was being heckled, and everybody was really on the comic side and pissed off at the heckler, but then the heckler approached the stage, and the guitar comic, off at the heckler but then the heckler approached the stage and the guitar uh comic you just see the guitar like rear out of frame and then whack this guy in the head really lose the audience and then it comes back and there's just like the neck and a few dangling things he's just creamed this guy with this guitar it disintegrated the guitar and you hear the audience

just go boom yeah and i remember like watching that and we i mean we would laugh about it and i think the guy was i hope the guy was okay but as like the classic like and that's where he lost that's where he lost the audience when you commit an act of violence on one of them it's you're not there's no coming back there i don't think there is no no i had a i was doing a show I don't know because I still do stand up I was going to say

do you still tour? oh yeah yeah yeah I do it all the time because it is kind of for me it's like you know I learned to play the piano when I was a kid and although I've played in orchestras

and I've written scores for movies and I do that I still like to when I see a piano in the lounge of the hotel I go over and go it's kind of my I like it I like it and it makes me feel good but I was doing a show in Texas I of the hotel. I go over and go, it's kind of my, I like it.

I like it. And it makes me feel good. And I was doing a show in Texas, I don't know, a couple of months ago, and a gentleman collapsed. Oh, geez.

Like, and like we had to get the paramedics in and the lights go up. Excitement. I mean, not great, but still excitement. I mean, really.

And the guy kind of, he gets taken out and I say, look, obviously we're going to stop the show. And we stop the show. And the audience is kind of sitting there. And it's weird. And I go out.

And the guys regain consciousness. And apparently, it was like, you know, it wasn't a bad thing. But the paramedics are like, we'll take you and have a look. But we think you're OK. It's like dehydration or something. And it was all right. And I spoke to the guy that collapsed. They brought him around.

He was in a gurney. And he said, no, I'm fine. I said, well, I'll just go back and finish the show. And he went, yeah, I think you should. So I went back and I was really excited because I thought, how am I going to do this? How am I going to turn this ship? Like the anxiety and the anticipation of like, can I make this work? Yeah.

And it was a great show after that. People must have just been zinging, right? Because they were scared. And then I told them it was all right. And I talked to the guy. So there's the relief. Relief. And then there's the running joke of, you know, I pretended to faint a couple of times.

Because I'm a ham. And that's right. Let's talk about ham. Because you're doing a lot of acting. Yeah, yeah. I've been lucky to stay pretty busy. Well, see, that's the thing with me. See, you are one of the smartest people I've met in this town.

No, no doubt. Look, it's not a fucking high bar, let's be honest. You are the tallest little person in the circus. That's the one without her thumb up her own asshole. She seems smart. But you are, I mean, that being said, you are one of the smartest people I've met in this town. And I get bored with the acting.

You've also created a lot of stuff for yourself. I mean, you've written and produced and directed all these films. And that's so all-consuming that I could see it feeling relatively draining. It's boring though. I mean, cause you've directed movies and that that's not boring. No, I love directing.

Yeah. You're going to do more of that. Oh yeah. I mean, I just directed, I think my 14th episode of television. Are you directing the criminal mind show? I direct on criminal minds.

I've directed the criminal minds television the Criminal Minds show. The Criminal Minds television series show. Yeah, yeah. Yes, the entertainment show. And I've directed Walking Dead, Fear the Walking Dead. Stop it! You directed Walking Dead? Yeah, yeah. Which was a really cool experience.

Do you know what I like on that is that Norman... Norman Reedus. Yeah. He's a delightful fellow. Yeah. Delightful fellow and a great actor. He's got that kind of like... He's got that some...

What the fuck is he going to do? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He does have that quality, yeah. And I kind of like that, like in a sports person or like any artist or a painter. He's got a je ne sais quoi. What the fuck is going to happen now? He's also, he was an interesting actor as a young person. And I think this is true of all actors.

So I wonder if maybe you'll return to it at some point. Is that you get you just get more interesting as you get older I think that we're so predisposed or so obsessed with youth in Hollywood but really actors just get interesting once they've like as Nika Costa used to say

got fucked and got their heart broken do you know what I mean? like you need to you need to live and you see these guys like god this guy he's doing incredible work in his 50s and 60s yeah you know she's gotten so much more interesting she's working all the time

because you know like stuff's happened to them well it depends though on on what was your currency at the beginning because i wondered this is something that i thought about now this is going to sound a little weird but stay with me a little bit come at at me. All right. So you are very beautiful. No, but you are a very beautiful looking person. And I think that it's particularly when you are a young performer, like when you were doing the suit, you know, it's like, wow, look at this. It's like a supermodel and she's funny, you know. And I wonder if that is because I think for a lot of young performers because like most people when they're young they're cute i mean as cute as you but but but young and cute

when that currency goes away and it hasn't for you but you start to think that that maybe i need to have that all the time i think that's why people end up mutilating themselves and mutilating themselves yeah strange well it's like an alien race do you know what i mean and and then it becomes the tempo for everybody we're like all of a sudden if you have a normal face like you you were the one who's an outlier yeah which i think is is so odd i mean i i mean i'm lucky i have the benefit of genetics like my grandmother was just a young looking lady my My mom, she's 80. She looks like she's maybe 55. Like I just hit the jackpot on that.

Yeah, yeah. I would say that's evident. But I also feel like, you know, it's a constant reminding yourself that your currency, and it's easy for me to say, that your currency are not your looks. You know, I think Hollywood for men and for women, but obviously more for for women is so much about youth and how thin you are and how right but you know like your body is just carrying their fucking brain around and the brain is the most important thing right the brain is the thing that's gonna keep you vital and connected for the rest of your life and this kind of obsession with like i don't know to me and i think because i was a stand-up you know and when i was there weren't a lot i mean it wasn't like i started in the 30s um but uh there weren't a million women

doing it at that time no so you know you just had to nut up right and and you know i i never that was never my currency i wasn't going to get that out there like in a half shirt and a miniskirt i was like you know this is a job of the mind. So maybe I was lucky. But you see male and female stand-ups now, they're like, they're really good looking. Oh yeah, there's that one guy who looks like an underwear model or whatever. There's like women who are like, oh wow. Actually, did you watch the Tom Brady roast? I didn't see all of it. I saw bits of it.

That's the first time I've watched stand-up in a very long time, even though it wasn't really stand-up. And there was the one Nikki Glaser. I know Nikki Glaser. Nikki Glaser's set was like a perfect set. I mean,

she's really, really something. Really, really funny. And she's very glamorous, which also always feels a little counterintuitive, but she killed it.

And then Sam Jay, like the two, the best sets of the night were like these two women, which was was just great to see you know what i mean yeah it was really great to watch i've always kind of like i remember thinking right about the time but 2016 2017 that it was one time when i thought you know what the world really is lacking right now is joan rivers like because i feel feel like Joan was a real counterweight. And she was a constant, right?

I mean, she was just a machine. She was a lovely lady. I got to know her late in life. I never met her. She was, wow. Because she was such an institution. I loved her. I was a huge fan of her.

I never met her. You know, it's the weird things because I worked in Late Night and Joan had this big falling out with Johnny Carson and Peter Lasallian so I was like let's get Joan Rivers

on the show and they were like no oh wow you're like grow up also how long ago was that

pull it together everybody was mad and it was kind of weird it was a couple of people like that I was like why can't we have them on the show? And they're like, well, because, you know, something that happened in

1989. And it wasn't even me. But yeah, what was interesting is that later on, if I'd have thought about it, I go, Yeah, fuck it. But you just forget, you know, and you're caught up in kind of the gears of the machine. Yeah, sometimes, you know, I think they were a little concerned as well. Because when I first started in Late Night, they said, who do you want on the show as your first guest? I said, I would like Kurt Vonnegut Jr. as my first guest. They were like, no, that's not going to happen.

Absolutely not. You'll have David Duchovny like everyone else. And I love David. At set the tempo. Also a smart guy. Also a compelling. Oh, he's a very, very brave man. Yes, compelling guy.

And actually, as it turned out, he can write a bit, too. Yeah, that's right. I forgot about that. Have you written books yet? I have. I've done two. I did two books. I've read them both.

I just remembered. I know. You just wanted to make sure I remembered. Yeah. I was going to check. Because you've read mine. I have. I have read yours.

All three? Three of them, yeah. But I watched a movie of yours relatively recently. What one? Was it one where you go to a castle in Scotland? Oh, Cathy Lee Giffords? Yes. Now listen. I just watched that one recently, I swear.

But here's the thing. I'm going to tell you something, and I defy you to disagree with me, right? That's much better than you think it's going to be, that movie. You think that movie's like, oh man, I've got to see this. And you're like, actually, not that bad. I love that you're like,

just the narrative of the acquittal of your own work. Because I mean, it didn't suck as much as you thought it was going to suck. It didn't suck. I mean, I find you to be a riveting player. I always like watching you. And Kathie Lee Gifford is consistently Kathie Lee Gifford at all times. Unbelievable, yeah.

Have you met Kathie? Yeah, I mean, I feel like I must have done that show way back in the day. You know what I mean? That era of daytime TV has ended, right? I don't want to say strange, but like a very kind of arch kind of, hey, everybody. Regis? Yeah, you know what I mean? Like that era seems to have died.

Regis used to be in the record books for being the man who was on TV most. The longest, right? Yeah. But now his record's been smashed a million times by just like kids who film themselves on phones. So it's like, it doesn't mean a thing. TikTok's destroyed the whole thing. Oh my God. I don't do the tickety-tock.

I've got a tickety-tock account. Yeah, you might hold onto it for as long as you can before it goes away. Yeah, it's going away, right? Who knows? It's so interesting. I see why this whole thing is happening with TikTok, but it seems strangely un-American. And I'm not saying that critically or non-critically. I'm just saying it's very odd for a capitalist government to ban a giant corporation. I don't get it, really.

I don't think it's going to hold to take. No, I think it's going to be. I don't know if you're aware of this, but there's some pretty good lawyers in this country. They are just salivating over this one. It will go on for a decade. By that time the kids will have invented something else they were they're hanging on to this until uh harry and megan did get divorced then that's the big next legal opportunity is like can we get some of that

sweet royal family money can we pull it back oh my god but the i i kind of it's kind of weird to me, though, because I feel in one part of the zeitgeist, I feel kind of disconnected from it. And in the other part, I kind of love that I'm disconnected from it. I kind of, the liberation of, like, you can be in your own world and you don't have to, you know. I'm where you are. Like, I feel like the unique nature of where we are with social media is that for the first time in human history, we are essentially, and I know not truly, but essentially connected with everybody else in the world, right? In a way that we never have been before, you know? I mean, in our lifetimes, like email was invented, the internet was invented.

Everything that feels like so fundamental to our existence right now is relatively new. And so the idea, and I was always saying earlier about something like Twitter driving the Arab Spring, driving Black Lives Matter, driving Me Too, driving these global movements that affected people all over the world and literally in a lot of ways improved their lives. And had

Joan Rivers been here... Then we would have also had great jokes. What we needed was punchlines for the Arab women demonstrating, driving without their headscarves. We really needed Joan to have a headscarf joke in there. But that... We're in a unique time. And to say to yourself, I'm going to opt out,

you're only just going back to the way human existence was 20 years ago. I mean, it's not... You're only just going back to the way human existence was 20 years ago. I mean, it's not, you know, you're not living in a cave. You know, most people for the history of human existence couldn't fucking put something on their phone

and then have a guy in, you know, Russia or South America read it. It's just, this is a new tool. It is a new tool. But it's not critical for your personal happiness.

You know what I mean? Like, you don't need it. It's a little bit like electricity or a knife. Yeah. I mean, it can kill you or make your toast. 100%. It's how you use it. Yeah. I stopped.

I find social media to be incredibly burdensome. It's a tool that I started using so I could promote my stand-up shows. Of course. And promote my TV shows. And it's nice to connect with people. And your cocktail company. God bless you. And my brand new cocktail company, Lossify,

with the new margarita. You can pre-order it at lossify.com. Organic margarita. It's the only, it's not the only organic margarita on the market. But it is the best tasting ready-to-drink margarita in the world. That one I'm going to have to just believe you on. I just take my word for it. You'll never taste it. If I taste it, things will get a little arresty.

Hunchy, arresty, a little arresty. But it really is very delicious. So for a little while when I was going to launch the company, I did what the kids do. That's what the kids do. You know, like Beyonce does or, you know, Donald Glover. Beyonce ain't a kid anymore. Well, you know, yes, I know. The kids are already eating.

It's the Swift. Taylor, I don't know if Taylor Swift did this. She's also not a kid anymore. She's not a kid either. Well, you know, yes, I know. When the kids are already eating, it's the Swift, Taylor, I don't know if Taylor Swift did this. She's also not a kid anymore. She's not a kid either, right? She's a brown ass woman. You wipe your feed, right? You remove your feed. So there's nothing,

when people go to see you online, you have nothing in your feed. And then they're like, oh, it's like a watch this space kind of move. I don't think anybody would do that. They might do. Well, since you don't have a space, it'd be hard to watch your space.

I may have MySpace. I think I'm going to'd be hard to launch a space. May have MySpace. I think I'm going to MySpace. I can post on your MySpace. Everybody, please go back to Craig's Tumblr page and see what he's got going on there. And so I had this freedom because I was waiting

for the company to launch where I didn't, I wasn't posting. And oh my God, it was like skipping down the street with no shirt on. Like I loved not feeling obligated to look at my social media. Yeah.

And now I'm back to doing it. And it's a big fat pain in the center of my ass. It has. I have some experience with addiction. And it has for me all of the hallmarks of that, of how it makes you feel. I'm doing this and I don't want to do it. It does something for me that I kind of like, but it makes me feel kind of shit. I resent it at the time. I can't pull my eyes away. I'm mad at myself for doing it, but I can't put it down and I'm wasting my time. I'm like, well, here's

the wasting the time thing. I think is like, I wonder you've written two books. I've written three, but I'm older than you. Right. And also I don't have a tequila company or a cocktail company. But I wonder how many scripts and books and paintings and songs are not happening because of... Yeah, 100%. Like, what cancer cures haven't been invented? How much further along we'd be in space travel if people weren't looking at cat videos? Even though I love... I do like a cat video. During COVID, it was like COVID

and the Trump presidency and the world felt like it was unraveling. The only thing that kept me from losing my mind was just cat and dog videos. I wish it was something more sophisticated than that, but it was like a full, it was like a good 30 minutes every day of just looking at

cats jumping off of tinfoil yeah yeah punching each other in the face yeah or the dog with the have you seen the dog with the three card money so there's a dog it's a golden retriever who picks the wrong cup and then there's only one snack under there have you seen the one where the border collie uses a little bridge to go over a river but the labrador comes up and just swims under it and goes, I haven't seen that one, but I will be Googling it immediately. Oh my God.

Labrador's like, I'm stupid. I'll just go. He's like, he watches it. And it's like, no, that's not for me.

That's, that's not a thing. It's riveting. I mean, like that was the stuff that I guess made me feel in an, in a human time, like eerily human. I was like,

this is something deeply delightful that wasn't created. It is delightful, but it contains no narrative. No, I know. it's not driving the human experience for it in any way you know that's why i think it's kind of like it's sugar it's delicious and i like that it's here i guess but the truth is it'll kill you you know it'll kill your brain, I think. Yeah. Life and marriage. I don't think he knew how big it would be, how big the life I was given and live is. I think he was like, oh, yeah, things come and go. But with me, it never came and went. Is she Donna Martin or a down-and-out divorcee?

Is she living in Beverly Hills or a trailer park? In a town where the lines are blurred, Tori is finally going to clear the air in the podcast Misspelling. When a woman has nothing to lose, she has everything to gain. I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said like in my head for like 16 years. Wild. Listen to Misspelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between.

This life right here, just finding myself, just relaxation, just not feeling stressed, just not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly. Life ain't easy and it's getting harder and harder. So if you have a story to tell, if you come through some trials, you need to share it because you're going to inspire someone. You're going to give somebody the motivation to not give up, to not quit. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Back in 1969, this was the hottest song around. So hot that some guys from Michigan tried to steal it. My name is Daniel Ralston. For ten years, I've been obsessed with one of the most bizarre and audacious cons in rock and roll history. A group would have a hit record, and quickly they would hire a bunch of guys to go out and be the group. People were being cheated on several levels. After years of searching,

we bring you The True Story of the Fake Zombies. I was, like, blown away. These guys are not gonna get away with it. Listen to The True Story of the Fake Zombies on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Do you remember a gentleman called Drew Carey?

I'm quite familiar with him. I actually saw him relatively recently. I saw him at the Super Bowl. Talk about someone growing into themselves. Oh my God, really? He has really just expanded into his space. Yeah, in a positive way. Not in a pants way.

No, not a pants way. In an intellectual and self-actualized way. It's such an amazing journey to watch. Because I started working with Drew right back when you were on the Drew Carey show, right? I was never on the Drew Carey show. No. It was on the Who's Line. Who's Line.

Yeah, I took over from him. Right. From Who's Line. Yeah. But you were, I think you were part of the improv scene. I was. I did a lot.

I mean, a lot of Santa, a lot of improv. I feel like he and I went on his, I mean, our paths crossed a bunch before Who's Line, but I, you know, it's all a blur. Yeah, I know. I hear you.

It's like when people talk about, did you ever watch BoJack? I did. I actually did a couple episodes of BoJack's all a blur. Yeah, I know. It's like when people talk about... Did you ever watch BoJack? I did. I actually did a couple episodes of BoJack. Oh, right. What did you do on BoJack? I played Awkwafina. She was a singing, talking dolphin.

Oh, yeah. That was you? Dirty, dirty rapping dolphin. Well, I loved BoJack because I felt like... Because I was, back in the 90s, I was on a famous TV show. A famous talk show TV. I was on a TV show in the 90s. Yes.

And it was, I thought, if you get the combination of Curb Your Enthusiasm, BoJack Horseman, and Ray Donovan, that's what it's like to live in LA. Maybe with a sprinkling of modern family. That is fair. That's a fair assessment. It's like, it's dangerous and awful. Dangerous and strange. Yeah.

And if you don't work very hard, it's just like the internet. If you don't work very hard to parse what's real from what isn't, you can get caught up in like the bizarro

world of Hollywood. It's such a provincial town. Yeah. I haven't moved out. It's a company town. It's a company town. It's such a provincial town. I haven't moved out. It's a company town. It's a company town. It's so weird. Like you come in and you,

like I come in from the airport the other day and you see a bunch of like billboards for shows that you know are going to die in 10 minutes and nobody else in the country has heard of them. And the actors and the producers driving by go, well, the billboard's up. We're just talking to ourselves. Yeah.

A buddy of mine told me the other day, ah, man, I can't remember what I was talking to. He's like, yeah, so if you have a movie coming out, because we were talking about this movie that was really, really good, but didn't do well. It was a great movie, and it didn't open. Was it Big Tease? The one that I made in the 90s?

Yes. I feel that way about that movie to this day. It's a great movie, and it died. No, it's not. What the hell? It might have been Monkey Man, which I loved. Monkey Man is a great movie and it died. No, it's not. What the hell? It might have been Monkey Man, which I loved.

Monkey Man is a great movie. I haven't even heard of this. Oh, see, there you go. Dev Patel. It's kind of like... I love Dev Patel. Dev Patel, he wrote it, he produced it,

he's in it. He directed it, I think. And it's... He directed it and it's like kind of a South Asian John Wick. It's amazing.

Oh my God, I have to see this. It's so awesome. I loved it and I did fine. It should have amazing movie. It's so awesome. I loved it. And I did fine. Like, it should have made way more money than it did. Right. Everybody go see it.

It's so great. Why not have a cocktail after you see Criminal Minds? Why not watch it at home? Stream it. Criminal Minds as an appetizer as you enjoy Lossify. Lossify. A glass of delicious organic margarita Lossify. And then watch Monkey Man.

Monkey Man, yeah. And then after that, if you're still up, you can stream all 14 seasons of archer on netflix right um oh yeah i forgot you were that cool that's for god not only on bojack but arch you know you don't have anything else to do but i was talking to this guy and i was like this movie should have done much better it's a great fit like sometimes you're like i know why that movie didn't open and sometimes you're like that movie sucked and it opened for all these other reasons but this movie should have made a lot more money and he said and we were talking about the fact that people didn't know that it was coming out he said well i gotta tell you something as he worked at a studio

he's like studios will take out a billboard directly down the street from where the actor or the director lives so that they think they spent a bunch of money on the campaign and they can see oh there's my movie on that billboard and they've done it nowhere else in the world 100% and so it's just a town that's just talking to itself about itself all the time yeah and nobody knows what the fuck it's crazy and I think that's the reason why you see people mutilate themselves particularly actors you know it's like well I have to be young yeah well you kind of don't not only not only don't you but it's impossible, well, I have to be young. Well, you kind of don't. Not only don't you, but it's impossible. Yeah, it doesn't work.

Time is coming for you. You look like a melted candle. Relax yourself. Like, we would have just enjoyed seeing you be a human being, but now all we're fixated on is this mutilation, this self-mutilation, which you're not trying. Although I'm going to get some. Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah, I'm going to start. I'm going to start with my my uh testicles well as long as we don't have to look at them well that what i feel is first of all they're mostly concealed yes secondly this is just for you you're just doing this for you this is some you time and it's also their testicles if they botch it who cares how are you even gonna know do you watch have you ever seen that show, Botched? No. Oh, God. I can't. I'm too squeamish. I've tried and then I'm like, oh my God. It's just like an orgy of psychological, I don't even know what the right word is,

like just incredible, it's like the psychological self-injury paired with the physical self-injury. It's one of those things that I would watch on the road. You put it on, it's like on a marathon, you know? And then, and these people that just, you know,

that insane body dysmorphia and they are absolutely confident that like having like a chin shaped, like, you know, like a pippin apple or whatever is going to like change their lives. And it's a bummer, man. And you really think that

that show should just be people come in to get mutilated and then it's like a bait and switch. You think you're going to talk to these plastic surgeons and then instead, like a psychologist just comes in think you're going to talk to these plastic surgeons and then instead like a psychologist just comes in makes you sit down and talk about your childhood let's talk about why you want the plastic surgery not the plastic surgery let's talk about your mother yeah yeah let's talk because it's always

the memory yes was your mother did your mother also have lips like uh pneumatic tires it's so it's crazy it it is a little... Have you ever seen the show, the kind of counterweight to that, is a show on Channel 4 in Britain called Naked Attraction? I have. First of all, people who are listening,

I know you guys love Craig and he's a delightful and very sophisticated mind, but Europeans are insane. Yeah. This show is insane. Yeah. First of all,

it's like... And then also, Americans are also insane because there's this Naked Attraction show. Yeah. It's essentially mostly men. I guess it's men and women. Men Americans are also insane because there's this naked attraction show. It's essentially mostly men. I guess it's men and women. Men and women.

No, men and women. You see three people. It's kind of like a dating game, but you see three people from the neck down. They're fully nude. No, they're revealed from the feet up. So it goes up the legs and then they're naked behind the screens. And it's kind of like the dating game. And it goes up and then you see their knees.

And then you see their. You get all the way to the junk. You get the genitals. You get the junk. You get the genitals. You get the junk. You get the genitals. You get boobs, you go up to the... Yeah, well, after what you've been past, then boobs, it feels like nothing.

The boobs are vast, exactly. I don't want to have the steak after I've had dessert. It's too late, the meal's over. You go straight to the organic tequila. But I mean, the American version of that is naked and afraid. Americans have to make it even more extreme. Like, you're in a nice, safe studio. You're not going to get a bug up your hole.

But in America, we want you to get bitten by a scorpion directly at the center of your taint. Well, see that? You know, look, everyone's got their kink, and I don't know how you found out about mine, but that's okay. So I like it. Center, the center of your taint. The very center of your taint. It's not a huge area like it. Center, the center of your tape. Which is not a huge area. No, no.

There's a precision. This is a precision scorpion. It's like Top Gun. They only exist in a very small area of the jungle in South America. This precision scorpion. It's like a miniature Tom Cruise has to fly a scorpion up your pants and hit exactly the right

point in your tank. Just like Star Wars, stay on target, stay on target. Well, see, we're keeping it classy, which I think is... I don't even know what we were supposed to talk about today, but I'm enjoying this immensely. I don't have an agenda. When I was starting the podcast, they said to me, what do you want to do? And I said, well, I just want to talk to people I want to talk to. They went, all right. They said, but can you do a thing? I said, well, I'm you want to do? And I said, well, I just want to talk to people I want to talk to. They went, all right. They said, but can you do a thing?

I said, well, I'm not going to do a thing. I'm not going to do like a... Don't you remember the robot? He's not going to do a thing. I'm not going to do a thing. Like, I'm not going to do a kind of like, name five cats that you like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. High concept.

It's fucking BuzzFeed started that shit. Oh, God, yeah. Six celebrities who are taller than you think. BuzzFeed started that shit. Oh, God, yeah. Six celebrities who are taller than you'd think. BuzzFeed's also pretty much dead. I think it's like one AI, an AI robot and a guy that makes traffic.

Have you got the AI on your phone? No, I refuse. In that way, you should feel like you have company. I use technology as a tool, but I'm strangely

becoming more of a Luddite as I get older and I'm like, I'm not letting it in and I have all the tracking things turned off on my phone and I don't want it. I have a confession to make.

Oh, you use it. I don't use it. I have a confession to make. Oh, you use it. I don't use it. I downloaded it a couple of days ago, ChatGPT. Yeah. And I've been asking it questions about God. Oh, wow. He's fascinating. So you're just trying to stump the chump is what you're doing.

It's kind of a little bit. I'm trying to sort of perform a kind of weird, my version of the Turing test on it. Yeah, yeah. But I've been asking it questions about the deity and about the idea of a God. And it's fascinating because really what it is, I think, is just Google.

It just Googles things. It's Google. You could do it with your own face. It's just Googling a little harder than you would Google. It makes Google feel a little more intimate, but it's not really a thing. Google already has like an AI-driven kind of, like a curated or an assemblage result now.

So like if you ask a question, it used to be that you'd get pages. But now what you get at the top is that Google looks at all the answers and then writes you a compiled answer. Right. What they think. Yeah. What you like. I do like that function. But yeah.

That's the AI. I tell you what I noticed in San Francisco, actually, you're talking about the AI, is the cabs with no drivers. Yeah, San Francisco is just that. That's crazy. I mean, it's wild. I know. I know. We have them here, too.

We have them here. I've never seen it here. Is it here? Yeah, they're here. I mean, you know, it's LA, so there's like three, and they're spread out very far and wide. But yeah, San Francisco is just going to be like, you know, what's that movie? The Minority Report. Very soon.

Just people with driverless cars and, you know, I was kind of like doing a bit about it, and I was talking to do you know Carrie Byron from Mythbusters? Oh, but I know the show. She's really cool. She's up in the city. I think the whole Mythbusters team is up there. For my money, maybe the greatest

show ever on American television. Could not agree with you more. That is an unbelievable show. I don't know why they don't bring it back. Science and explosions. Yeah, science, explosions, and fun. Yeah, exactly. Well, science and explosions, you've already gone. That's fun.

That's what science plus explosions equals fun. Equals fun. Come on, kids. It was the greatest show, and I don't know. I mean, my guess is it was pretty expensive, but it was a great show. Well, yeah, it was expensive, and I don't even think I know the narrative, but I think one of the guys, and his name is not in my head right now,

passed away. No, Grant. Yeah, Grant died. Grant, but Grant, he built the robot on my late night show. Do you know that? No, I didn't know that. Yeah, Grant was a friend of mine.

And he said to me, it was actually when Twitter was fun. And he said, if you can get me 100,000 Twitter followers, I'll build you a robot for your late night show. Twitter used to be great. Right, so that was fun. So I tweeted out, alright, we need Grant to get 100,000 followers on Twitter. It was like

40 minutes. And he had and he was Robot Wars guy and he built Jeff Pearson. And he used to come in every month and maintain them. I loved Grant. Twitter was also a place where you could just, if you rolled over in the middle of the night and you were bored, you could write a fart joke and everybody would laugh at your fart joke.

It used to be a really, really fun place to just screw around. Yeah, that's dead. Elon Musk ruins everything. Yeah. Well, I tell you what, that fucking truck, that's bullshit. I don't care. Like, that's, I don't, Lou Black, I saw him doing, that fucking truck, that's bullshit. I don't care. Lou Black, I saw him doing a run about it. Did you do a bit about it?

I fucking love Lou Black. He's the greatest. It's like a boat. It looks like an amphibious car is what that thing looks like. You know, it went straight to stonewashed denim in like 30 seconds. You know what I mean? It was like, oh my God, it's the Ed Hardy car. As it was emerging from the assembly line

it went straight DeLorean straight DeLorean like immediately DeLorean's kind of done the reverse reach around and now it's almost ironically cool

but that's I mean maybe in 25 years if Elon Musk goes to jail for trying to keep his company up by selling cocaine

then you might have a story that could be pretty cool. I wouldn't rule it out. Anyway, I was talking to Carrie Byron in San Francisco and I was talking about the driverless car. And I said, I was kind of like being shitty about it and she went, let me tell you something.

I use them all the time. Yeah, a lot of people do. I'm not going to do that. But yeah, good for you, crazy people. I said, I'm not going to do it. She said, you know what? I've never got in a driverless car and had the guy hang on me, ask me for my number, be creepy as he get near my house, all that stuff. Is he intoxicated? This place smells like, the car smells like weed or, you know,

what's worse, he's listening to Nickelback. He can't be trusted. Yeah, that's a hoobastank. This is not right. This is not right. Hoobastank. But I don't know. I mean, I kind of get it.

And then I said, but they're tracking you in the car. Oh, it's too late. We're tracked. That's the thing. That's the thing that you and I and our curmudgeonly anti-technology positions need to take in and really just understand. We know a lot of... We're boned.

They've been tracking us for a really long time now. And the whole idea that you're going to get off the grid is just, it's past, man. That opportunity is over. The good thing is that all of the behavior that i exhibited that would be better off grid is well in the rear view mirror for me now anyway like thank god you got your dirt done before cell phone cameras i was like by 1992 i was like you can watch me whatever you want all i'm doing is going to whole foods man exactly you want to dig up some records of what I've done, you're going to have to go to the library

and look at a microfiche. Right, that's right. You're going to have to go to the Glasgow Police Department and talk, you know, and give cash money to a sergeant. Otherwise, you got nothing. Use the Dewey Decimal System to look up the stuff I did back in the 80s. Well, the truth is, though, I wasn't,

I mean, it wasn't even I was doing anything. It was just embarrassing, shitty, fall-down drunk behavior. Yeah. And I worry for kids now that, you know, you do something stupid or you fail as a stand-up, right? But you've got to. If you want to be a stand-up, you have to fail. It's part of the process.

There's no way around it. Right. It's just part of the thing. I mean, like, literally, to get funny, you must bomb. You must. Yeah, you must. Yes. to get funny you must bomb you can't yeah you must yes and and and now that i mean bombing is is kind of like it's so an integral part of the process if you remove that and they kind of have

to or if you bomb and it stays around forever forever forever or or just the guys that are doing those like stupid lazy bad jokes you know the ones that like every well not every because a lot of young comedians are try to lean into intellectualism or try to be original but the guys that are just doing the racist stuff the sexist stuff the fart stuff the you know and and it is immemorialized forever and then you know now you're 30 you're like well that guy was an asshole well you know what that's the one that's the only guy anyone's ever gonna know yeah that's what I feel about writing books though because I wrote I've written some stuff. And I know you've written two books.

I've read them both. Yes. Twice. I did. I wrote some stuff down when I was younger. And I look at it now and go, I wouldn't write that. Yeah. It's funny.

I don't know that I, and I haven't looked at my stuff in a long time. But because I was thinking about republishing my first book, like the rights just reverted to me. And I was like, maybe I'll do an, maybe I'll turn it into an audiobook, like, you know, rewrite it and re-release it. Right. And I was like,

I don't think I have anything there that like I would cringe over, but there's just like a lot of like, just simplistic thinking. I mean, it was a long time ago, right? Like I'm just not that sophisticated. Do you know what I mean? But it's a snapshot

of who you are in the moment. I mean, the problem is if you get too many snapshots, it starts to look like that's who you are right right and you know if i write a book when i'm 30 years old and then it's 62 nearly i feel differently yeah well you've experienced a bunch of stuff you are different you are a different person you're a different assembly of cells but you know one's the real one yeah and then you got the problem of well time does it fold or does this is a question for the ai in your phone yeah this is a question for chat gpt yeah you you wait chat gpt time fold you are you are you are in the prime uh cycle of uh like introspection right like this is the part

of your life where you start thinking about what does it all mean? Oh, yeah. And I'm going to ask you a big question since this is apparently a big question hour. Did you look at the Webb telescope pictures? Like the pictures of space? That really fucked me up. Like that was the thing that really put me into

the what does it all mean headspace for quite a bit of time because they were beautiful. They were like the most kind of detailed pictures of space we've ever seen. And there was one of them, and it's got something like 300,000 galaxies in this one image, right? And they're pointing them out to you, these little worlds, these little spirals, different colors, different shapes, different sizes. And they said, so within this one photo, there are 300, 000 galaxies like our galaxy that are visible and this is the size

this area of space is one grain of sand held at arm's length right that's how much we're seeing those many galaxies in that part of space and then of course there's those infinite grains of sand we could be looking at any part of space and see another 300 000 galaxies filled with billions of stars and it all could not be there because it's taken so much time for the light to get here. You're looking at two million years ago. Exactly. And so like, I mean, so then this little puny computer that's telling you whether God exists. I mean, this is just

some kind of stage play. You do come at me with, and this is a good question because I watched with That's why you should drink lots of you are great. That's why I can't drink because it gets... Too hard to grok. But here's the thing.

When one of my boys was about 10 years old, you watch a lot of YouTube videos about the universe and Lego and stuff. Yeah. So I'm watching this universe thing, and it was unusual. I can't remember what it was, but it was, as you described,

about the trillions and billions and things. But mostly what the observable universe is, is nothing. It's just emptiness. Right. It's a black hole. Yeah. So as much mass as you can see, between that mass is just nothingness.

Nothing. Infinite nothingness. Infinite nothingness. Oh, I have to lie down. And so the best I've ever felt in meditation Oh, I have to lie down. The thing is, when the scorpion hits the right point in the center of the tank, it's always about silence. And then I think most of the universe is silence. And there's a quote in a book, the Bible.

There's a lot of bad stuff in it. There's a lot of weird stuff in it. But there's an interesting quote in it when it says, Be still and know that I am God. And I think that the idea of a God, I'm not talking about angry Santa on a cloud and after you die, you get a prize. Yeah, you're punched in the face. It's so beyond ridiculous.

Here's your cloud and here's your place where you're going to walk around wearing slacks for eternity. Slacks in a meadow with your family assembled around you. I mean, it's so beyond fucking ludicrous. It's insulting. But I don't have any kind of grip on the idea of an afterlife. But the idea that the silence exists infinitely, I find that quite comforting.

Yeah, I mean, I can see how you would. It could also really just kind of rock your world, depending on, you know, your framework. I think two things. I think that the thing I've become very comfortable with knowing is that I am never going to know. I can make some decisions. I can hold onto some perceptions, but that the universe, because one thing I thought a lot about after the web,

seeing those web photos was like, well, then what's beyond that? And what's beyond that? And what's beyond that? And that is just un-grokable to the human mind. It can't be grokced. There's just no way.

What does grok mean? Grok means just understood, right? Like that there's, but like comprehensivelykced. There's just no way. What does grok mean? Grok means just understood, right? Right, right. Like, that there's, but like comprehensively understood. Like, there's just no way, which is why we've created a guy

in the sky who's peering down over the side of our fishbowl and looking at us and, you know, fucking us up and ruining things. Because otherwise, if you think about

the vast expanse of space, it just goes on forever and you're trying to reach beyond that with your mind and it cannot be reached. Or as St. Augustine of Hippo said, trying to understand the mind of God is like trying to pour the ocean into a cup.

You're not equipped. No, we're not equipped to do it. We're not equipped as creatures. And we're more advanced than we've ever been. I imagine we'll advance further if we don't destroy this place and blow ourselves up. Have you seen Oppenheimer? I have.

Pretty hilarious. God, a laugh a minute. Oh, my God. Although, you know, the Murphy character, he could lose a little weight. Jesus. Like Jeff Peterson. It's like, oh, my God. Eat something.

And even in the movie They say to him Eat something I think in real life He was a guy Who just lived on tobacco And meditating on The determination

Of human life He was on the old Late night show And he's lovely He's such a nice guy Utterly lovely He's such a nice guy And I'm very envious

Of his Really thoughtful actor We saw him I went to There's an Irish There's like an Irish Oscars every year. All right. It's called the, it's called.

The Potatoes? The Potatoes. Oh, God. Because you're Scottish, I'm going to let you. I'm not touching it, but you can have it. Irish people do love, they do love the Spuds, though. Oh, my God. They love the Spuds.

And it's called Oscar Wilde Awards. And they have it at Bad Robot in Santa Monica every year. And they kind of honor all the Irish, you know, the different Irish artists that have been nominated. And this was a big year for Irish artists. I mean, there were a lot of nominees and he was there, Killian was there at the very beginning

and he's just about the most delightful guy. Like he just exudes. I mean, talk about a guy who, I don't know what he does in his private time, but he looks like he meditates for six hours a day. He's the most serene, cool guy. He's got something for sure. He's got that movie star thing.

Yeah, and it's just, you know, I just said hi to him for a beat. And, you know, he's, I'm sure, being dragged in every single direction. That's what I love about Oscars because almost everybody in this town has no nomination, nothing, no way, in no way they related

to what's going to happen on Oscar night, but there's twittering around town in a skirt. I'm like, you're not nominated for shit. Go home. Why are you dressed up on a Tuesday at the Chateau Marmont? Go back, go home, have a TV dinner. And you know.

Do you know what I think it's like? I remember once doing a corporate gig and meeting the second most successful car salesman in the Grand Rapids area. I cannot. And I thought, this is like the fucking Oscars. This is it. It's just like it.

It's exactly like the Oscars. Everyone gets dressed up, gets in the stupid cars and walks in and goes, who is going to be the greatest second-hand car salesman in the Grand Rapids area? The fucking Oscars is exactly the same. Congratulations, Jim. Well done.

You are an inspiration. You are a runner-up. This is for all the little fat kids out there that wanted to sell automobiles and didn't know if they could follow your dream. And for all of you out there who never believed in me, you can suck it. You suck it. Oh, my God. We've been talking for way too long, apparently. Oh, no. Yeah. Will you come back and do another one? I love talking to you. Yeah, I love talking to you. I forgot how much I love talking to you.

Oh, my God. What a delight. You are just great. Oh, Craig. You're great. It's great to see you in person. It's great to see you. And good luck with the cocktails and Criminal Minds.

I love how I came in here to talk about Criminal Minds and my cocktail company. And we just talked about the vast expanse, the unknowable, unknowable nature of God and the universe. What the fuck do you think tequila is for? That it is. And after you've listened to this episode, you will need a drink. So go to lassofee.com. Get at it. And get it. I'm Angie Martinez.

And on my podcast, I like to talk to everyone from Hall of Fame athletes to iconic musicians about getting real on some of the complications and challenges of real life. I had the best dad and I had the best memories and the greatest experience. And that's all I want for my kids as long as they can have that. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. Want to know how to leverage culture to build a successful business? Then Butternomics is the podcast for you. I'm your host, Brandon Butler, founder and CEO of Butter ATL. And on Butternomics, we go deep with today's most influential entrepreneurs, innovators, and business leaders to peel back the layers on how they use culture as a driving force in their business. Butternomics will give you what you need to take your game to the next level. Listen to Butternomics on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Guess what, Will? What's up, Mango? I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius, but even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults. I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese, so I feel like that makes us pretty edgy. We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food

and how do dollar stores make money? And then, of course, can you game a dog show? So what you're saying is everyone should be listening. Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app

or wherever you get your podcasts.