Joy, a Podcast. Hosted by Craig Ferguson - Thomas Lennon

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Meet Thomas Lennon, an American actor, comedian, screenwriter, producer, director, novelist and Craig’s good friend. He plays Lieutenant Jim Dangle on the series Reno 911! Lennon is also an accomplished screenwriter of several major studio comedies, he wrote the Night at the Museum films, The Pacifier, Balls of Fury, and Baywatch. EnJOY! See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Meet the real woman behind the tabloid headlines in a personal podcast that delves into the life of the notorious Tori Spelling, as she takes us through the ups and downs of her sometimes glamorous, sometimes chaotic life in marriage. I just filed for divorce. Whoa. I said the words that I've said, like, in my head for, like, 16 years. Wild. Listen to Miss Spelling on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Angie Martinez.

And on my podcast, I like to talk to everyone from Hall of Fame athletes to iconic musicians about getting real on some of the complications and challenges of real life. I had the best dad. And I had the best dad and I had the best memories and the greatest experience. And that's all I want for my kids as long as they can have that. Listen to Angie Martinez IRL

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The Craig Ferguson Fancy Rascal Stand-Up Tour continues throughout 2024. For a full list of dates and tickets, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com slash tour. See you out there, thecraigfergusonshow.com slash tour. See you out there. Thecraigfergusonshow.com slash tour. My name is Craig Ferguson. The name of this podcast is Joy. I talk to interesting people about what brings them happiness. Tom Lennon is an American treasure.

If you only know him from his oiled legs, wearing shorty shorts and Reno 911, then you probably know enough, but I know a little more and you're about to too. Have a listen to this. We're going to start talking about Tom Cruise. That's how you know we've started, because we're going to talk about Tom Cruise right away,

because I have something to say about Tom Cruise, and it's going to happen. I'm not remotely worried about it. You shouldn't be. I feel like at this point, if I was going to get blowback in my life from stuff I'd said and did, it would have happened.

I hope that for me. No, I think... I mean, there's like two and a half thousand hours of late night out there. There's shit that I said. It's so easily scrollable. There's got to be something in there. Oh, my God. Got to be.

Oh, my God. It's fucking terrible. Two thousand hours? Two and a half thousand hours, I think. Got to be. Yeah. No, it is. I mean, we did two.

But at least, luckily luckily you never wrote anything down yeah I don't know man so here's what I was thinking because we were you mentioned Tom Cruise because you and Tom Cruise

are the same height identical but yeah we've hung out twice once we're the same height one time we were definitely not

how did that happen it was it boggles my mind that's crazy I've thought about it every single day since. You know what? Here's what I think about Tom Cruise. And then we're going to get back to how he can bend the laws

of physics as well. I used to say derisive things about Tom Cruise and Tom Hughes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom Hughes is the worst, man. So I used to say naughty jokes about Tom Hughes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That Tom Hughes is the worst, man. So I used to say like naughty jokes about Tom Cruise. Yeah, naughty jokes is your...

That's my thing. I would say your milieu. Milieu, as they say in Quebec. I have a theory about that. Okay. So here's what I think about Tom Cruise. He's a goddamn American hero, and I approve of him 100%. Oh, same here.

And here's why. He's crazy. Oh, sure. But he doesn't make it anyone else's problem. No. He uses it to provide top quality entertainment for America. He doesn't drag me into it ever. No.

No. No, and I'm like, okay. I also wondered why I haven't been asked, but he... Yeah, well, there is that. No, I've had the best two times hanging out with that guy. So what did you do hanging out with Tom Cruise? Well, one time I did a table read with him. Really?

Which was neat. What was the table read for? Oh, it was a picture that never came out. I've made a bunch of those. I've made... In fact, most films I've been involved in never happened. I've been in so many movies. You wrote a couple movies?

Yo, I've written at least a dozen that haven't happened. I've been in a couple movies. I'm not positive I saw them. Just because I heard they were so bad. Yo, I've got a collection of those. Yeah. Lenny the Wonder Dog right there off the top of my head. Remind me which one was this?

Lenny the Wonder Dog. Is this a real picture? It's a real picture and I'm in it. I haven't seen it, but... Was it a theatrical picture? It was certainly... I'm going...

I'm for sure... When I'm listening to this... Theatrical is a big word. Theatrical is a huge word. Video? Remember that? Straight to video? It may have been that.

Oh, I'm on a couple of straight to videos. Sure. I got a picture on Rotten Tomatoes that's at a zero. Okay. That's tricky. That's pretty bad. What's that picture?

It's called Pottersville. It's with Michael Shannon, Ian McShane. There's some good actors there. Oh, you're kidding me? Yeah. Judy Greer, Christina Hendricks, Ron Perlman. What? It's...

Maybe just nobody voted oh it's no no they did it's it's an atrocious film how can that happen yeah

and we're all kind of bad in it but it's got to be the director then let's say that do you know one of the my worst results

on I had the Rotten Tomatoes is I'm in that movie and I wrote the movie oh Tomatoes, is I'm in that movie, and I wrote the movie. Oh, is it? I'll be there. Oh, I'll be there.

Yeah, yeah. And I directed that movie. How bad is it? How bad is it? I think it's like 50-something bad. You're shitting. That's magnificent. Is it really?

It's at the Museum, which I wrote, and I'm pretty proud of. That's a great movie. Thank you. It's at 34%. Shut the fuck up. That's at 34 that's the world we live in that's a great movie and now my my oh so oh this is great my son oliver whom i love yes of course i don't love him but i approve of him so he he's turned this on me now it's amazing so like it will he'll ask if we can go see a movie and he'll, you know,

he'll be like, let's go see, you know, The Nun 2 or 3. Okay. Or let's go see, he's very into horror and lots of stuff like this.

Right. And so, I'll check the tomato meter and I'll be like, oh boy, I'm like, this one sounds like a real drag. It's at 40,

you know, 2. Right. Which is a splat. Right, yeah, splat's below 60 or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's like, higher than Night at the Museum, bro. Oh, my God. I'm like, oh, that's cold.

Oh, my God. That's cold. I raised this. You know, but this is the thing, though. To be fair, he's got an interesting position at the end, Oli, because you're his dad, and Night at the Museum is, and he knows it because he's got an interesting position at the end, Ollie, because you're his dad, and Night at the Museum is, and he knows it, because he's not an idiot, it's a fucking great movie.

Right, he's working the system off. He knows that he can, that the system is a little bit rigged, and that he can play that against me. Well, you know how you could prove that Night at the Museum is a great movie? It's because Night at the Museum 2 exists. Right, and I wrote that.

Right. So they don't let you do another one unless the first one was totally awesome. Or made some money. Right. Or made some money. Anyway, so it was a table read with Tom Cruise. So he did Night at the Museum, the table read?

No, although he and Stiller were very close because they did Tropic Thunder, which I just let the voice see. That's right. But so if you want, Tom Cruise doesn't just, he won't read a script. Okay. It's not the way it works. Well, he's dyslexic.

He apparently has dyslexia, which I found very hard to believe because at the table read of a script he's never seen, he gave an amazing performance. Movie star performance. Yeah, well, he's Tom Cruise. Yeah. Maybe, yeah, you sure he hadn't walked through it with someone? My hand to God. Everyone tells you, they're like, he won't read it. He doesn't want to read it.

Right. He wants to put a table together, and they'll cast the best person for every part. Right. I believe it. I had a very small part. I refuse to believe that. Ian McShane also with that one.

Ian McShane's coming up a lot today. He's a great actor. He's a great actor. Not as scary in person as you think he's going to be. He played Al Swearingen. Oh, God. He's so scary. That's a masterpiece.

Deadwood. He's one of the scariest guys. And then he's a real doll. Yeah, I know. He's a lovely man. But that happens. He's acting he's just it's just pretending to him you should know that but now there's people that are seem so scary right and then you meet them and they're a doll apparently vincent price was like that doll yeah yeah because i you know he he scared me when i was a kid then there's people you meet who are exactly as scary there are people who are meant

to be nice then you meet them and they are fucking assholes. James Gandolfini. No, it wasn't an asshole, but he scared the shit out of me. Did he really? I met Gandolfini in Las Vegas. Right. He yelled at me. What?

Why? It was a rough night for everybody. Okay. And were you guys drinking? No, not together. No, but I'd taken his friend away for a little while to go see George Lopez. And then I brought him back. It was part of the big, they'd moved the Aspen Comedy Festival to Vegas.

Right. And it was when Sopranos was the biggest show in the world. I remember. I wouldn't have any of the Sopranos on my old late night show because I loved the show so much. You don't want to ruin it. I didn't want to break it. You don't want to ruin it. I didn't want to break it. Don't want to ruin it. So Jenny and I, my wife and I at Caesars, we're doing the festival and we come down the elevator.

And who's walking by with a foot long cigar and a roll like $1,000 bills that he's counting? Yeah. Gandolfini. I love this. And I'm like, and my shows were done and I probably had a glass or two of wine. I'm like,

do we just follow him to see where he's going? Yeah. So we did. Maybe he thought you were the feds. He might have. But this was a real trip. Speaking of how much you love the show,

Don't Meet Your Heroes. Right. Followed Gandolfini through the casino to where he was going to the high stakes blackjack area. Right. And the guy that he's meeting waves hello to me and Jenny and is like, Jenny, hi.

And we forgot that we had a mutual friend with Gandolfini. Right. This guy. Gandolfini is playing blackjack at a table with Michael Imperioldi. Right. The guy who is Johnny Sacks, Pauly Walnuts, and Little Steven.

This is crazy. Are you sure this is not an episode of The Sopranos? It was the HBO festival, so they put everybody up there and gave them a thing. Yada, yada, yada. It was really insane to see all those guys together. Later on, I had to go tell Gandolfini

where his friend had gone to, and I guess he'd had a really bad night at the blackjack table. Right. And he was screaming at the concierge at the Caesars. Really?

Yes. See, this is before smartphones. He was screaming at this young kid. Yeah, yeah. Like a 20-something kid who's like, hi, Mr. Gandolfini.

So, Gandolfini's yelling at the concierge. What's he yelling at him? I think he thought that the blackjack, the table was rigged. So he was a little toast at that. Which, by the way, blackjack is rigged. Yeah, just the odds are against you. Yeah, the whole thing is rigged.

It is rigged. You're going to lose. Yeah, that's... Just the odds are against you. The whole thing is rigged. You're going... It is rigged. You're going to lose. Yeah. That's just math. But so he was yelling at the young employee at the thing about how the blackjack table was rigged against him and his friends who happened to literally be literally the Sopranos. That would have scared the shit out of them. It was so scary.

And I see that he's yelling at the concierge. And I think I'm worried that he's lost his friend who I had taken to go see George Lopez. The friend is mysterious here. The friend is real nice. He's just an actor guy that we know. Okay. Yeah. But you're keeping him out of it for a reason.

I will. Is he in the witness protection program? I'm just keeping him out of it for now. All right. So I lean in. I'm like, oh, the guy's name is Lenny. And I'm like, hey. So I lean in. I'm going to back off, the guy's name is Lenny. And I'm like, hey, so I lean in.

I'm going to back off the mic because what happened was so scary. So I lean in to Gandolfini who's screaming at the guy at the desk, and I say, excuse me, Mr. Gandolfini, Lenny went to go find you at the nightclub called Pure. And James Gandolfini turns to me and says, yes, I do know that! That was scary. My heart, like,

broke. I just got yelled at by my favorite TV character. He was so mad at me. Well, you know, you can look at it that way. But you could also look at it the way as, like, because he yelled at Carmela and he loved her. He loved Carmela. And so I think it's okay.

And then, but then he, so I started, I like my lips started quivering and I thought I was going to cry. And I grabbed Jenny's hand and I ran around the corner. I'm like, James Gandolfini just yelled at me. And then he came around the corner a few minutes later. And Jenny's like, he's right behind you. And I'm like, oh, my God, he's going to yell at me more.

Again, yeah, he's going to really yell at you this time. And he tapped me on the shoulder, and he said, you do a show, yeah? You have a show. And I said, yeah, yeah, I do a show called Reno 911. He said, oh, yeah, it's great. It's a great show, really good. And then he walked away. And so then I went back to the concierge and I'm like, what, what happened? He was screaming at

you. And then he screamed at me and he said, oh, he said that the blackjack tables were rigged and he was super, super mad and he was screaming at me. And then he said, and then you came up to him and I actually didn't know who that was. I haven't seen The Sopranos. But after you left, I said, the concierge said, he said to Gandolfini, oh, you're friends with Lieutenant Dangle. Oh, so the kid knew you were.

Oh, that's so funny. And Gandolfini apparently said, having just yelled at me, said to the concierge, yeah, he's great. He's a great guy. Great guy. So it was the scariest night.

Anyway, meeting your Tom Cruise. I had this thing. I do have this thing about meeting heroes. I wouldn't allow the late night bookers to approach David Bowie. I don't know if he would ever have done the show. Of course he would have. I would think he would like you. You're not allowed to even get

in touch with him because if he turns up, there's nothing he can do what if it goes badly right now yeah and the reason why i want to because i had heard through the i feel like he likes you though i know you he would laugh at the show i had done a sketch yeah no no yeah he does on his 60th birthday which is seriously how long ago it was because i'm 61 now but on his 60th birthday i did a sketch in the show where I sang as David Bowie, because I can do David Bowie,

going, I'm going down the shops to get some bananas. That's it. And some... That's it. You know, that kind of thing. And it was just like old guy stuff.

Get off my lawn. And he apparently thought it was very funny. And then I thought, but if he comes on, I don't know. I would probably, I wouldn't be like that now. I'd be, I was still, I still believed in the myth at that point. It's a bell you can't unring. Well, that's right. That is right. It's a bell you can't unring. Is there anyone like, like Morrissey's a big one for you. Did you ever meet Morrissey?

I've met him a couple of times. Disappointing? Okay. Disappointing. That is right. It's a bell you can't unring. Is there anyone like, like Morrissey's a big one for you. Did you ever meet Morrissey? I've met him a couple of times. Disappointing? Okay. Disappointing? Yeah. No, it's always very, you know,

it's sort of very chilly. He's chilly. Thinking about. It's just so chilly. Daffodils and stuff. Oh, if only we could all think about that,

of course, if we weren't washed in blood. You know, it's just always a thing. So I had, speaking of your Bowie thing, I went to see the Springsteen's Broadway show. Oh, yeah. And it was amazing, you know, and it was like Springsteen. And you're sitting right there and he's, you know, and. See, when I heard he had a peptic ulcer.

I was like, of course. Of course you did. That would explain it. I've had that kind of ulcerated esophagus thing. It's very painful. Oh, it has to be. I don't know how he could sing for this long. Yeah, I know.

It's amazing. So I'm walking out of the theater to see Springsteen and one of his security guys, there's like a guy kind of wrangles the stage door area, keeps people just a little bit away and stuff. And then there's another guy like at the door, but there's another guy who's just kind of like street guy, keeping it safe for the boss.

Yeah. Give it a reel. And he goes, oh, hey man, are you, are you going to see the boss backstage? Cause I guess he knows me. And I was like, um, no, no, I wasn't going to.

Now I have to. Well, and the security guy's like, go ahead, man. No, no, no, go on, go on back. Just say, Ronnie, just go ahead. Go on back and meet the boss.

And I'm standing there. I'm standing in the street and I'm looking at this guy and there's another security guy. Right. And there's probably another guy after that. Sure, yeah. And then behind that, Jack Nicholson.

And I'm like, my next thought is, okay, so let's say I get past next security guy. Great. So I've made it past two security guys who'd love me. Then I get, let's say I get to the boss. Yeah. And his eyes don't light up. Yeah, he doesn't know who you are, maybe. At all.

Right. And that's likely. I mean. You don't know. I mean, you've done a lot of stuff. And 911 is like, everybody loves that show. You would think, but like, what if the boss didn't care? And didn't know and didn't care?

Yeah, I think you're overthinking it. Did you, did you go, did you get through? I didn't go through because I was so scared. I was like, if on the off chance that he doesn't go like, what if I get through and he goes,

Ronnie, you're, you're fucking me. What, how are these randos? We got randos getting back here. What are we doing, Ronnie?

But he wouldn't say that in front of you. The man's got manners. But what if he did? But he wouldn't. He's the boss. Ronnie, you're fucking me. I had a rush show, and then this dipshit's back here, and he's got his fingers in the seven-layer dip.

Son of a bitch. Ronnie, get out. And then Ronnie loses his job in this scenario. It's horrible. This is a terrible. And then I take Ronnie has to live with me for a while. He has to live in your house. He's like, man, I really thought the boss. And then Tom and the roadie is recorded in front of a live studio audience. Yeah. I, anyway, I sent, uh, I sent him back to see the boss and the boss was Matt. The boss probably pretends to know you. Well, that's what,

I mean, haven't you done that when you've been introduced to someone? All day long. Because I did this once where I get introduced to Elvis Costello

backstage. Yeah. And I was like, and he said, hello, Craig, nice to meet you. And I was like,

knows you. He knows my name. And then I saw a guy. Literally a household name though you are. No, there was a guy. Oh,

who? It's Craig Ferguson. Oh, he's got a handler. knows my name and then I saw a guy literally a household name though you are no there was a guy oh who who it's it's uh Craig Ferguson oh he's got a handler he's got a guy that goes it's Craig Ferguson

now the problem is it doesn't work when it's not Craig Ferguson because the guy only says it's Craig Ferguson oh the guy this guy works for you exactly

it's Craig Ferguson it's Craig Ferguson it's a guy it's a guy called Ronnie that used to work for until he fucked up until he fucked up and he was letting randos in randos were back It's a guy called Ronnie that used to work for Chris Springsteen. Until he fucked up.

Until he fucked up and he was letting randos in. Randos were back. The Craig Ferguson Fancy Rascal Stand-Up Tour continues throughout the United States in 2024. For a full list of dates and tickets, go to thecraigfergusonshow.com slash tour. See you out there. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world. We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between.

This life right here, just finding myself, just relaxation, just not feeling stressed, just not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone. You're going to die being you. So you got to constantly work on who you are to make sure that the stars align correctly life ain't easy and it's getting harder and harder so if you have a story to tell if you come through some trials you need to share it because you're going to inspire someone you're going to you're going to give somebody the motivation to not give up to not quit listen to angie martinez RL on the iHeartRadio app,

Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Want to know how to leverage culture to build a successful business? Then Butternomics is the podcast for you. I'm your host, Brandon Butler, founder and CEO of Butter ATL. Over my career, I've built and helped run multiple seven-figure businesses that leverage culture and build successful brands. Now I want to share what I've learned with you. And on Butternomics, we go deep with today's most influential entrepreneurs,

innovators, and business leaders to peel back the layers on how they use culture as a driving force in their business. On every episode, we get the inside scoop on how these leaders tap into culture to build something amazing. From exclusive interviews to business breakdowns, we'll explore the journey of turning passion

for culture into business. Whether you're just getting started or an established business owner, Butternomics will give you what you need to take your game to the next level. This is Butternomics. Listen to Butternomics on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Back in 1969, this was the hottest song around.

So hot that some guys from Michigan tried to steal it. The time of the season for the beat. My name is Daniel Ralston. For 10 years, I've been obsessed with one of the most bizarre and audacious cons in rock and roll history. A group would have a hit record, and quickly they would hire a bunch of guys to go out and be the group. People were being cheated on several levels. After years of searching, we bring you

The True Story of the Fake Zombies. I was, like, blown away. These guys are not gonna get away with it. Listen to The True Story of the Fake Zombies on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. You're on the road right now, right? Working with the state, which is kind of a rock band situation to be in.

This is a cult outfit back on the road. Very, very, very much so. Remember how the Clash never made any money? They had to live in squatting apartments and stuff? I think The Clash, there was a lot to do with mismanagement drugs.

Is that what you were saying? We're too old for both of those. It is a lot like being in a band. You get the band back together. Do you guys have backstage antics? Do we have antics? We fight a lot like being in a band. Yeah. I mean, you get the band back together. Do you guys have backstage antics? Do we have antics? We fight a lot. Do you still fight?

Absolutely. Oh, good Lord. But it's always about the work. You know, it's like we never have personal stuff. We're all, you know. The state, the comedy group got together in 1988. Was it the 90s? Shut the front door. So we've been together since I was 18 years old. The state, the comedy group got together in 1988. Shut the front door.

So we've been together since I was 18 years old, and now I'm 53. It's still good. I'm 61, man. It's fucking bad. Yeah. When do we get to quit at some point? Yeah, I tried it, by the way. You didn't.

I tried. I know, and then I noticed, and then the next thing I noticed is you got dates everywhere. And you got two podcasts, and you're on tour everywhere. All the fucking time. I tried quitting. I nearly lost my fucking mind. No, no, for sure, of course. Also, by the way, everyone said that about you as soon as you were like, I'm going to just chill out for a minute.

I'm like, Craig is? Yeah, I know. Craig's going to chill out for a minute? That doesn't seem like it. The guy who improvises a 20-minute monologue every night. Yeah, but I know, but it was, when you do that at home, like, Megan's like, I think maybe you should go to a bar. Just to go do this, please do this at Zany's.

I'm like, hey, hey, you know what, Megan? You know what happened? But I came in through the kitchen door. I came in through the kitchen door. Let me tell you about the kitchen door. And she's like, you could be doing this in Vancouver. Yeah, you could be. Vancouver needs you. That's right. Get yourself off to the kitchen door. Let me tell you about the kitchen door. And she's like, you could be doing this in Vancouver. Vancouver needs you.

That's right. Get yourself off to Gary, Indiana. Orange County. Yeah. Merrillville. I'm playing all those places. Of course you are. I follow you.

And I see you guys, you're out doing the same gigs, right? Yeah, we've actually only tested the show out so far once, and then we got a bunch, a lot of dates coming up in October and November.

Are you excited about that? I am. You know, there's nothing like doing a live show. No, it's great. There's nothing. It's great. It's really fun. And it's not replaceable with AI.

No. Not yet. Although ABBA are doing a show, which is holograms. Oh, is there a hologram on the show? Yeah, there's a K-pop outfit, I think, or the Japanese singer who is... I'd love to say I don't want to see an ABBA AI show.

Oh, no, you do want to see it, and you want to see it with me, and you want to bring Jenny, and I'll take Megan, and we'll go. Okay. I have a real crush. It's in London, at the O2 Arena. I'm serious. It's hologram ABBA from the 1980s. I'm very open to this idea. Yeah, no this idea. But it's with their permission. Oh yeah, they're involved.

They're making money from it. Yeah, yeah, good. I mean, it's their songs and it's them young. Yeah, see, this is a problem. This is where it becomes a little bit of a Black Mirror episode for me. Why? The brunette sort of redhead from ABBA. Yeah. Let's see, it's

Benny Bjorn. Agonitha. Agonitha, and yeah. I think it's Benny Bjorn. Agonitha. Agonitha. Yeah. Yeah. I think it's Agonitha. I think it's Agonitha too. Yeah. I might carry a crush for her

that has not died. I hear you. I'm kind of the same. That's a tough, it's a, it, like, I'm worried.

It's the same way I'm worried about like, I don't know if my family is going to let me just buy tickets to the Taylor Swift movie because it seems dubious. You're gonna go dad's so excited to go see the taylor swift are you excited to see the taylor swift damn it i am yeah see i no listen i get nothing but i hear

nothing but nice things about taylor swift and certainly the music that i've heard is fabulous and uh poppy and catchy and all the things it's not for me but not everything is for me you know I mean it's but and also she doesn't give a shit

I'm a 61 year old guy she's not making music for me I like her I like her guitar playing actually a lot and oddly she and I own

an identical guitar because Taylor Swift plays are you trying to make you and Taylor Swift kind of be soulmates is that where you're going with this

because you own the same guitar you're right your family shouldn't where you're going with this? Because you're on the same guitar. You're right. Your family shouldn't let you go. No, no. It's weird. Why does dad want to go see the Taylor Swift movie? It's just weird. Well, you're allowed to like what you like.

I mean, you're allowed to go and see the movie. As long as you don't get weird about it. Yeah. Well, I actually think I'd be fine in the Taylor Swift movie. Yeah. I worry, you know, part of my happy adult life is that the idea of

the young ladies from Abba don't exist anymore so now these genius these monsters with their holograms

no they look really real no I don't think this is good for me to go see oh because you've aged I've aged and somehow

young Agonitha from Abba it's a good Black Mirror it's a Black Mirror episode it's actually it's an interesting You've aged. I've aged and somehow young Agonitha from ABBA. It's a good Black Mirror. It's a Black Mirror episode. It's actually, it is an interesting quandary to make. I started writing letters and stuff. I have. I thought it was just, you know, I was feeling my age because I actually am aging.

And then I think, no, it's not that. It's because of robots. It's because of the goddamn robots. It's because of AI. Other people are not aging. They're not. And filters. Oh, goddamn robots. It's because of AI. Other people are not aging. They're not. And filters. Oh, yeah.

Of course. That old favorite. You're on the social medias, aren't you? I am, but I would love not. I'd love not to be. Yeah.

I think everybody talks the same about it. It's funny. It's like living in LA. Like when you leave LA and everyone around you is like, did you leave LA?

And you're like, yeah, I'd love to do that. Fucking leave. But yeah, it's hard., I'd love to do that. The best. I'd love to fucking leave. But yeah. It's hard. You can't. It's hard.

You and I have. And then we're both sitting here. Yeah, and we're both sitting in a studio in LA. In the middle of LA on a Friday. You know what? I think it was some British film director said about LA. I think it's the absolute accurate description of it. It said, LA is a town where you turn up, you get off the plane, you go to the hotel, you put it on your suitcase, you go out, you lie out by the pool, you have a nap, you wake up later, it's 20 years.

It feels a little bit like, because I was here 23 years, like living here. I come here to work and I come here to see friends and I come here to do business, but I don't live here anymore. I always sort of thought that Los Angeles felt a little bit like the way people describe working on an oil rig. You go out and work on the oil rig. You don't stay there for the theater scene and for the social time. You go get the fucking oil out. And get the fuck off. And then go somewhere lovely. Yeah. You go get the fucking oil out. Get the fucking oil. Get the oil out. And get the fuck oil.

And then go somewhere lovely. Yeah. Yeah. But the thing is, the trick with California is that plenty of it is lovely. So lovely. Yeah.

So close to. Yeah. I don't know. I kind of like, we left and now I don't know. We're in New York a lot of the time. It's like, I love.

See, New York is a good city to get older in. It's a great city. That's actually my backup plan. I'm telling you, it's great. Because you just walk outside. You just walk outside. You see a show every day.

And also, you walk around. Everybody's not like... Like, every day in LA, that Garrison Keillor thing, everyone's in their mid-30s. Even the children are in their mid-30s. That's a very good point. But in New York, people... Like, it's just a smorgasbord of just

everybody, like, people with one big eye, one small eye, a big hand, a little hand, you know, 100 years old, you know, 15 years old, and people are shuffling around, really rich people, really poor people, people with hats, people without hats. I never thought I'd really leave New York. And New York was weird when I got to New York.

Well, I mean, you worked at Save the Robots. I did, yeah. Were you ever there? I probably New York. Well, I mean, you worked at Save the Robots. I did, yeah. Were you ever there? I probably was there. Yeah, I probably worked there. Yeah. I've read that you worked there on Wikipedia.

So I got to New York in 1988. Yeah, you would have been there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I had stopped working there by then. But we didn't have any money or anything. We were really poor. Yeah, but it was the after-hours club. It didn't open until 2 a.m.

That was, can you imagine? Yeah, you couldn't have any money or anything. We were really poor. Yeah, but it was the After Hours Club. It didn't open until 2 a.m. That was, can you imagine? Yeah, you couldn't have that. There's two guys who now have dinner at 5. I would love to have dinner at 5. I'd like to have dinner out of the way by 5 at a club. And we used to go to places. But the After Hours Club thing that was going on, you couldn't have that now.

I'm like, people were openly doing drugs. Oh, every, every, we went to a place, there was a place in the East Village that was an after hours place called Brownies. I can talk about it because there was no way it was there. It was not Brownies, the music club. Right. There was another place where it was owned by this guy who had a cowboy hat and he had a revolver. Was he English? No, he was an African American gentleman.

All right. And the only things they sold were like cans of Pabst blue ribbon and nine bags of cocaine. I think I've been there. Yeah. Yeah. I think there was a furniture. And you were not allowed to curse. You could do, you could literally sit and have Pabst and do cocaine with a guy in a

cowboy hat with a pistol. Are you kidding? If you cursed, which a friend of mine did at the pool table, it was a real issue for the owner. And he was just like, fellas, I'm going to ask you one more time with my pistol and my Pabst. Wow.

Yeah, New York was... It was fucking nuts. It was a thing. There was casinos that just were secret. Yeah, yeah. I remember, and I wrote about this, but I was in a bar called Murphy's in the Upper East Side.

I don't think it's there anymore. But I keep going and looking for it because I live in the Upper East Side now. And I'm like, is it here? No. But we went out one night and then we went over to the West Side. And it was during the Troubles and there was a lot of IRA stuff. And these guys were there. And I got the shit kicked out of me when we were out for one night.

And I mean, like, really? I got, like, the kind of beating, like, they're kind of beaten up. I'd probably go to hospital. I was hit in the face with a pistol. Now you would. Yeah. Or if I get beat up now, I don't know if I'd recover. Oh, my God.

I go, yeah. I mean, like, I turn the wrong way. Oh, my God. Everything hurts. All the time. No, but New York. I make clicky noises just standing up. We got, as the state, we got beaten up twice at least.

Did you get beaten up 12 many times for the material i got no no no just new york in the 80s all right my first uh my first getting this shit kicked out of me in new york i'd only been it was 80 fall of 1988 i was wearing a like a bright yellow bow tie i just come from you know what you deserved it i absolutely deserved it i was frolicking up Broadway, 3 o'clock in the morning, singing Pippin. Okay. Got beaten. Oh, man.

But getting beaten on the street in New York used to be a thing. Used to be a thing. Yeah. And here's a weird thing I'm going to say about it that may not be popular. Okay. People in New York, I think, have better manners and, for the most part, behave well because there's a solid chance you're going to get clocked in New York. And in LA, everybody's just bitching and moaning in their cars. You can't hear them.

Everybody's in a bubble, screaming profanities at you. I don't think that's unrealistic. I had a friend from Texas who used to wear a hat and carry a gun. And he used to say... In Texas? In Los Angeles. hat and carry a gun. And he used to say... In Texas? In Los Angeles. In Los Angeles? Yeah.

And he used to always say... A concealed gun? Yeah. Okay. But he would say, an armed society is a polite society. I get weird about that one. Yeah. So do I.

But he would say it. I'm not saying that I subscribe to that notion. But I do think a society where occasionally... You say the wrong thing, you get slapped. Somebody gives you a real quick bop to the face. Yeah. I'm pretty much in favor of that. Well, you know, you're Irish.

That's it. You know, that's kind of what it is, to be fair. That's exactly what it is. That's what it is. You're fucking Irish. What are you, like, just off the boat?

When did your people get here? I got to show you, just off the boat. Yeah. I didn't show you my 23andMe. It's ridiculous. Was it mostly potatoes? It's literally,

it sent me a potato just into my phone. Just a bunch of potatoes. If I show it to you, it turns into a potato. Yeah, I mean, because you're pretty fucking Irish. You know how everybody has like a little bit of something else? Yeah. I don't. You into a potato. Yeah, I mean, because you're pretty fucking Irish.

You know how everybody has like a little bit of something else? Yeah. I don't. You're all Irish? Yeah, I'm all, well, what it says is it doesn't differentiate, which is crazy, but it shows England, the British Isles, and nothing else. Right. Well, that's a lot of different influences there.

But, yeah. I mean, because there's the Irish and the Celts. You've got some Scots. The Angles and the, you know, and the, I don't know what the Scots are made up of. But yeah. I mean, because there's the Irish and the Celts and the Angles and the, you know, and the, I don't know what the Scots

are made up of. No Italians. I got no Italians. That's the important part. For me, that's the important part. I think I've got a lot of Italian. Obviously.

I've never done a 23andMe because I don't want Bill Gates to know where I fucking am. Look at the gorgeous head of hair you have. It's crazy. I've got to be Italian. This is not just

the hair of a Scots. No, no, no. It's definitely an Italian. I think that is. Well, now that I'm thinking about it, those movies, the Scots had great hair, but they're all dead in battles too, though. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, the thing is, my family always had good hair. Yeah. But there was alcohol involved. And I drank a lot of alcohol. What I'm saying is, if you're an alcoholic,

your hair will be good. Your hair's fine. It's doing all right. It's great. It's doing all right. alcohol. What I'm saying is, if you're an alcoholic, your hair will be good. Your hair's fine. It's doing alright. What were we talking about? Oh, New York in the 80s, getting beaten up. Yeah, well, that's over now, I think. Yeah, the IRA used to be a thing. People loving the IRA. People in New York and Chicago just openly

loving the IRA. Yeah, it was a little different where I grew up, because it was right on the doorstep. Yeah, for sure. Well, that was a very icky part about growing up in the West side of Chicago, which we never talked about until we all got sort of publicly shamed by Bono. Oh yeah. Yeah.

It was very interesting. You would go to, You'd go to, I was at a U2 concert very early. Yeah. And the Rosemont Horizon in Chicago, and it's, you know, all these Irish immigrants,

you know, kids of the Irish diaspora. And, you know, U2's, this is 84, 86, something like that, really early.

And Bono would, you know, say in the show, like, you know, there really early. And Bono would, you know, say in the show, like, you know, there's a war happening in my country. And the Chicago audience would go, would all cheer. And I was probably part of that. And then he would say, no, he would, well, he was very cool about it. I mean, it'd be like a war that nobody wants that's killing children

and you can't support this and this is unkind. And where everybody was like, oh shit. We feel bad. Yeah. And then we feel bad. But it took something like, it took someone like that to make everybody realize what a shitty thing that we were like, like publicly just like we're right righting this crazy thing. Yeah. And it was a lot more i don't know i mean it's even now i'm 61 years old the the you know the good friday agreement has happened you know things have changed so much over there and i'm still terrified to talk about it because

it's fucking dangerous dangerous and when you're in a certain company in Scotland and Ireland, it's still fucking dangerous. And I kind of avoided it. When I was a kid, I avoided talking about it at all. In the same way, actually, that now

when I do stand-up, I don't do any politics. I don't do any. It's not a thing. I actually think that's why the state is still popular. Yeah. We never did like weird impressions of like anybody.

Yeah. We didn't give a shit about like, if we'd done like tons of George W. Bush, what would we have done? What would you have done? I guess it would have been

Bush Sr. So I don't know. You're like, what would that, that would not be, yeah. So how long were you guys together? You did like, how many seasons? like 10 seasons? No, no, no. So we did, well, we got together in 88. We were, we were just the comedy club at NYU. Right. And so we were doing

like live theater shows and things like that. And then we did a show with Jon Stewart for MTV. It was fucking awful show right it was called You Broke It You Watch It it was horrible but Jon Stewart

was awesome in it he got the Jon Stewart show and we got the state right so we did three seasons on MTV right we got negative two stars

in the New York Post like that first season negative that's one of my my first review in Late Night in the New York Post they said

it looked like he was wearing a wig. That just ain't speech. Yeah, I know. You wouldn't be allowed that now. No, you can't just say. They didn't like the

way I looked and they just went after me. Oh my God, I didn't think of how good you, and you were really good at it. No, at first.

I feel, I guess maybe I came around to that. No, at first. I think you were though. Well, this at first. I think you were, though. Well, this is a great thing. It's a Mandela effect none of us remember. Stick out together.

We did three seasons there. We thought we were real badasses. Weirdly, we did numbers that were awesome. Like the ratings on MTV were like really, really good. And then we thought we were hot shit, which is a great idea. Always a great idea. It's a bad idea to think you are. But to be it is a good thing to look back on.

And then we thought we were hot shit. We got, instead of, we had an offer to do more shows at MTV. We didn't know how many. But it was, it maybe would have been good. Or we had an offer from cbs for two specials and if those went well we would be like a cbs like big show that's print your own money time that's what everybody was really excited about we so we shot a special for CBS which got wonderful reviews okay

literally no one fucking watched we all got together to watch it and I remember the most exciting thing that happened is there was a

thunderstorm warning came on on CBS during our special it was legendarily bad ratings Alan King was on it for some reason and he was really kind of mean to it.

The whole thing sucked. Yeah. And then... I'm sorry to hear that. Well, but then we sort of, we keep being like, we're like, I don't know, we're like Vince Clark in Depeche Mode. So, State sort of breaks up. Half of us turns into a show called Viva Variety. The other us turns into a show called viva variety the other half i love that show called stella yeah you know so it's like we we're still on tour everybody's

been on reno 911 right we've all been in michael was in the frame michael in black was the same of course in the frame for doing the late night show it It was me between me and him. He wanted that job so badly. Yeah. Yeah. I was on one of his tryout shows. Yeah. He was good at it. I saw his tryout show.

I was like, oh, fuck it. He's going to get it. Did you think so? Yeah, I did. Yeah, I totally thought he was going to get it. I remember calling CBS, Michael, who was the producer. You remember Michael? Yeah, of course.

This is the guy. Did you think so? Yeah, I really thought he was going to get it. I think he would love to hear that. No, I thought he was. I mean, I didn't want him to get it for obvious reasons, but I thought he was going to. I did a bit with him when he went on one of those shows.

And I remember thinking, you know, this is one of my closest best friends in the entire world. And I remember thinking, I don't know if he's good at talking to people like this. I'm not sure. This is like a skill set. I think he would have done it just fine. He was just coming off of being the Pets.com sock puppet.

So, of course, he was pretty hot. Yeah, he would be hot shit at that point. Yeah, Pets.com sock puppet. I was two years out from being eighth banana on the Drew Carey show, so I was also on it. Oh, God. I was also peaking. That's a good one.

Yeah. Nice. I'm Angie Martinez. Check out my podcast where I talk to some of the biggest athletes, musicians, actors in the world.

We go beyond the headlines and the soundbites to have real conversations about real life, death, love, and everything in between. This life right here, just finding myself, just this relaxation, this not feeling stressed, this not feeling pressed. This is what I'm most proud of. I'm proud of Mary because I've been through hell and some horrible things. That feeling that I had of inadequacy is gone.

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That's Lost Media now, the Drew Carey show. You can't see it anywhere. You can't see it at all? Nope. I think maybe there's some kind of copyright shit going on with it, with music or something, but you can't see it on any of the streaming services. That kept the state off of DVD for like 15, 20 years.

Yeah, I think it must be a similar thing. There was a music thing, so somebody had to go through and replace every single piece of the famous music. I think that's the situation. It's a bummer. It's a bummer. Yeah. It's something like that.

Anyway, Diedrich Bader knows about it. Diedrich's a fascinating cat. He lives like two blocks away from me. Yeah, he's an amazing guy. He's one of the best actors I've ever worked with. Yeah, stunning. He's an incredible actor. And there's a guy,

and he's been on this podcast, and I said to him, you really grew up. I mean, because he was, when I first met him, he was a bit of a dick. And he's clearly not a dick. I think he can come off like that sometimes.

And this is, I say this, I love this man. Yeah, yeah. And we are very close. I wrote his daughter's application college recommendation letter. Is that one of those? By the way, she didn't get it. Oh, she didn't get it?

Okay, so it's fine. I blew it. It was such a great letter. Oh, I'm a great college letter writer. Yeah. I go aggressive. Yeah, that's probably nowhere near. No, it's actually worked a bunch of times.

Really? Yeah. Like I write a college letter that starts with like, look, you do not want to go to war with me. And you know what? It's mostly worked out. Yeah. Now, you write the letter for the applicant? Aren't they meant to write their own?

No, no, no. You got to get a couple of endorsements. Like a recommendation letter. Right. Okay. I've written a couple of them now. I've got a pretty good track record. Right.

Okay. Well. But I go funny. I mean, I go funny and I go aggressive. Well, I've got one more to get through college. So maybe for Liam's you can do it. Oh, absolutely. I'll pull out big guns for that one.

Yeah. Liam, I don't know where we're going here. My boy doesn't seem like college material, and I love it. I mean, that's a million dollars I get to just keep. college material and I love it. I'm like that's a million dollars I get to just keep. I don't know if Liam will go to college but there'll be statues. Yeah I feel like yeah it was so funny everybody's like well make sure the boy gets tutored and really works hard and does things and I'm like really because like to go where to go to like a yeah stuff you learn stuff on YouTube. It's an interesting thing because I, you know,

Megan, as you know, is, my wife is a very highly educated, clever, erudite believer in academia. I dropped out of high school when I was just turned 16. And so she can sell the college thing to the kids, but I can't. Unfortunately, but there's also proof. Well, what do you know about it, Dad? Yeah, yeah.

How's the castle? Yeah. Yeah, you sure didn't have to do... But that was luck. It was a little bit. A lot of work. Did you go to college? I did.

I went to NYU. Oh yeah, of course you did, because that's the state thing. Yeah, but the funny detail, I was accepted to college on academic probation. Because my high school grades were not great. What were you going to study at college? Well, actually, I started at the theater school. It was handy because NYU was nice. You could audition. That seems realistic for a theater school.

You would think. That's a good idea, right. But like Northwestern, which was my first choice, I wanted to go to their theater school. There's no audition. He's a shit actor, but he's great at math. That doesn't make any point. You just have to be smart.

Do you know how smart Anthony Hopkins is? Not smart at all. Doesn't need to be. Yeah, yeah. I mean, really a talking plant, but a great actor. You just have to be able to read a little bit. You don't even really have to be able to read. No.

So I got a bold rejection from Northwestern. Right. And Northwestern and NYU accepted me with the asterisk, if I got a C in any class in my freshman year, I would be kicked out. Oh, my God. So you obviously didn't. Great motivator. I was like, great.

I'm going to dick around. So did you finish college? I did. I actually did finish college. So you're now fully qualified. I'm a fully qualified bachelor of the arts. Right. So if you have some arts that need to be bachelored.

I think that that could be a good show. Arts Bachelor? It's a dating show. Bachelor. And it's of the arts. It's Newcomer Arts Bachelor. Do you ever go to the Met? Of course.

Do you know the Met when they have the French Impressionists? That's really good, isn't it? I really like that in there. So I was in there the other day and they have I'm looking at the French Impressionists. That's really good, isn't it? I really like that in there. So I was in there the other day, and they have, I'm looking at the French Impressionists. Which is the Impressionists you're looking at? Somebody you like specifically?

I knew you were going to ask me this. It was a Parisian street scene, I can't remember who did it. And I love it. I just like going hanging out near it. And I can't remember who did it, which I apologize. But you know what? It might be Renoir. It might be i don't know sure um but i go to the van gogh exhibit because the van gogh exhibit is on right now in the met and they have starry night there and which is amazing it's an amazing amazing picture to see in person it it has its own luminescence it creates its own light

it's unbelievable. But as I'm standing there, I have to pick my moment to look at the picture because of everyone holding their phone in front of it to take a picture. Just look at it. Right, but this is an interesting thing to me because I think all performance, all human society is changing right now.

We're in a very odd place in human history where analog, personal, bionic, personal memory is gone. Everything will be remembered. Like you can now make ABBA as they were when you were a young man. This is a problem because then I go to the show

and then I'm like, hey, can I go meet her after? And they're like, sir, you can't meet. She doesn't exist. And I'm like, I demand to me, sir. I meet her. And then you go there and it's the same roadie that wouldn't let you in. Come on, man. It's Ronnie, man. You're killing me. You're killing me. You want to go and see

Agonita? Go see her. And then you get through there and she's not there. No, it's just like a little box. It's like, I am Agamemnon. I am all of the memories of our body. But it is an odd thing because memory is wonderful. I like memory. Because everybody remembers things a little bit differently,

but phones don't. Phones remember it exactly the same. Exactly correctly. And they don't soften it for you. I wonder because, you know, we have a great bit differently, but phones don't. Phones remember exactly the same. Exactly correctly. And they don't soften it for you. I wonder because, you know, we have a great big computer in the kitchen in the house that always runs your photo life. And does it make my memory better or worse? It makes it worse, I'm sure of it. Because you're just like, oh, at some point I'll think about things. Let me rephrase that. I don't know if it makes it worse.

It makes it different. It's too accurate. Yeah, it's not human. The human thing is that you create a story of what happened. Remember that time we went to the pizza place and you took your pants off and you danced on the thing? You can have a real fondness. I think I do too.

you can have a real fondness I think I do too for you know like I have so many ex-girlfriends that I have one photograph of

right or if barely right you know and that's like such a neat you know in a way it's like kind of more interesting

because I'm like oh right yeah yeah yeah and you have to think about it yeah I went to I went to to London with Susan for like two weeks

and there's almost no photos of it at all. And it was just like a, I have to think about it. And I wonder though, I wonder what happens with that because no matter how much codgers like me,

and you will approach codgerdom. I'm very close. Well, you'll get there. It's not going to change anything. You can complain about it, but It's not going to change anything. You can complain about it, but it's not going to change anything. And I wonder if this is what it's like to get old. It's like just the world starts to seem scary and alien.

And it's not really scary and alien. This is a great question. I've wondered this exact thing. Because the world does seem pretty scary. It does. Right now. Even walking here to this strange studio. This is a pretty sketchy area of Hollywood.

I mean, this has been scary for a good 50 fucking years. We're pegging the meter of scary. But, yeah, like, I wonder, am I just growing into the phase where I bitch about everything? Yeah. You know? Yeah. Like, does everybody just do that at some point? I don't know.

Where you're just like, my Abba was better. Yeah. Real Abba. She was a human lady. Yeah, human lady Abba. I preferred her. Your Abba is robot.

Yes, this Abba is not perfect. I would go see Abba and sometimes they would mess up. No, come on, man. You went too far. I went too far. You may have gone a wee bit too far at that point. But I wonder, I don't know.

It might be. But I think that's okay, too. Yeah. I think you have to embrace the strangeness of aging. I'm talking to myself now because you're not at that point. I'm getting real, real, real close. I'm fucking 61, though, Tom. I mean, Jesus Christ.

I'm the age that my, my grandfather, who basically was my identical twin, Right. dropped dead. So, I just kind of, yeah,

you gotta make hay. What did he say? Talk about Van Gogh. Make hay while the sun shines. Ah, there you are. Uh, strange,

experimental, he had leukemia, but a, a, a drug that he was allergic to ended up killing him. Right. Now, we're not talking last week, then. No, no, no, no, no, no. This is, I was a child, yeah.

Right. But these things, you know, I think now, my dad, when he was my age, had been retired for a year. Yeah. But life expectancy of a Glaswegian. Yeah, yeah. Male. Yeah. But life expectancy of a Glaswegian male. Yeah. Oh, I'm a good 30 years on the bracket.

You're way on the outside of the bracket. You are so outside the bracket. Yeah, I know. It's a little different. But I started, you know, I fucking started brushing my teeth. That's what happens. Oh, brushing your teeth. Oh, look at that. Go on, brush your teeth oh go on brush your teeth last time I went to when I went to see you in Scotland I bought a t-shirt that's

there was such a great t-shirt that says people make Glasgow and I love this shirt and I wear it all the time and then I looked up the hashtag of people make Glasgow and it's always the worst fights

it's a guy there's like a naked guy fighting a lady and he uses a bike as a weapon. I know that guy! It's always under the hashtag People Make Glasgow.

We do that in our family. It's so funny. Send each other things from the news. Oh my god. But it's always got that upbeat hashtag. I can't remember exactly, but there was one about a nurse who lost her lawsuit for an unfair dismissal lawsuit. Because she had claimed that there was a ghost in the hospital that was farting and blaming it on her. And she got fired because of that.

People make Glasgow. People make Glasgow. Fuck. Unbelievable. I mean, it's quite a place. But of course, it's a very

odd hybrid of Ireland and Scotland and Glasgow. I really like Glasgow. I had a lot of fun. Yeah, well, you're a fucking odd hybrid

of Ireland and America. No, I know I am. Mostly Ireland, I would say. I know. Last time I was in Glasgow and I went to go see you. It was 102 degrees in Glasgow. Yeah, that's right.

You got weird there for a little bit. It was really intense. Yeah, it was strange. It's not now. It's raining. Oh, good. Yeah, because it was actually Glasgow at 102 is... Not good.

Because you know what happens. It's tough. People start coming out wearing what they think is the appropriate clothing for hot weather, and it's not fucking pretty. Then I went to... Girfan Beach. We're with Weird Al Yankovic, me and Weird Al and Al and his family, and we went to a great little...

I'm not going to say the name of it. Right. We'll bleep it. Okay. The... Right around the corner. Oh, yeah. And I decided to try, like, the spicy wet pork.

And I never eat, I don't eat meat hardly really ever. What I did was doing a when in Rome thing. Right. So it's 102 in Glasgow. You had spicy wet pork? Oh. Was it good? No.

Of course it wasn't good. It wasn't good. My body hadn't dealt with pork in like kind of a long time. And it was one of the roughest nights of my entire life. Oh, honestly. Glasgow. Just a long walk as you're gurgling full of... Yeah.

Yeah. I had that once in Paris, actually. I had been vegan for four years. Uh-oh. And I thought, I'm having an ice cream. Oh, just the the lactose yeah

full fat dairy ice cream cone having not had dairy for four years uh oh my god tough to find a bathroom

in Paris depending where you are I tell you I was accepting anything anything like a hole with two foot pads either side

fine and there was a lot on the way home yeah anyway you know that's what happened a long walk pooping through Paris pooping through Paris either side, fine. And there was a lot on the way home. Anyway, that's what happened. A long walk. Pooping through Paris. Pooping through Paris? You've got to do it once.

It's romantic. That's how romantic Paris is. Even when you've got the trots, it's kind of romantic. Absolutely. Well, look, we're kind of done here. Have we established what is joy for you? I will say, and it may seem silly, I would write sketches every day for the joy of it.

I would sit for absolutely for no one. And I would just, I could write every day for no one but myself and love it and truly, truly love it. I think that's kind of nice. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it's a little bit cheesy, but it. No, it's not cheesy at all.

Sometimes people will send me their kid or something and be like, hey, you got to tell my kid how to write movies. Yeah. Or you got to tell my kid. They actually send the kid to you? Well, they'll be like, will you get on like a Zoom and just tell my kid what they do? So they don't like to send the kid around to your house? No, God, no. That's kind of weird. Yeah. You don't want that. Yeah. They actually send the kid to you? Well, they'll be like, will you get on a Zoom and just tell my kid what to do? So they don't like to send the kid around to your house? No, God, no. That's kind of weird.

You don't want that. Yeah. And then that's my question as always. Would you do this every day for free? Yeah. Because mostly you will. See, I don't think about it. I'm like, hey, little twist.

Yeah, you will. Mostly you're gonna. That's fucking true. Yeah. The paydays are sometimes. But you're gonna. That's fucking true. Yeah. The paydays are sometimes. But you know what's weird about it? Because I totally agree with you. The weird thing is that I tried to retire.

And I couldn't because I haven't been working since I worked in the fucking bar in Glasgow. I haven't had a real job for 40 fucking years. But you worked real hard. But it felt like fun. It's kind of not work. It's kind of dicking around. It doesn't feel like work. And in the times when I've tried to work,

like when I directed movies and stuff like that, they suck. Because I don't like doing that. I don't like doing that either. I especially hate directing. Oh, it's awful. Look, because I don't like doing that. I don't like doing that either. I just feel like I should. I especially hate directing. Oh, it's awful. It's not my, apparently it's not my personality.

No, mine neither. And I meet folks who have that personality. And they're great at it. They're still great at it. Yeah. But it's a very different level of drive to be that sort of person. And I think I'm, once I got over the idea of this want to direct notion that everybody,

a lot of people have. Yeah, I had that too. Once you get over it, you're going to feel better. I had, you know, when I really knew it was over for me,

I had a conversation with Quentin Tarantino about it. Now he can direct like crazy. Oh, sure. And so I was telling him that I didn't enjoy the directing experience. And he said,

well, didn't you have the whole movie in your head before you shot it? And I said, no. And he went, well, I do when I make a movie. Of course. Well, there we go. There we go. That's why you're Quentin Tarantino and I'm the Cheeky Monkey Man with a puppet on light night.

There you go. All right, Tom. Well, you are a joy. You're a joy in my life. but there you go alright Tom well you are a joy you're a joy in my life

by the way the other thing that brings me joy I would say is like I think I came on your show oh gosh are we at 15 20 years ago now

30 something times yeah but that I still consider my friendship with you is something that has brought me a tremendous amount of joy

I bring back it's knowing your family meeting and you're fucking weird. And I like that because I've got some friends who aren't and they're...

You've also got some really cool friends over here. I've got some fucking great weird friends. I really do. My life is really a Wes Anderson movie. It absolutely is. It really is. I've lived in a fucking Wes Anderson movie my whole time. But it's a good one. But if Wes Anderson was to look

at my life, he'd be like, it's a little... Let's tone it down a little bit. We're going to have to dial it back a little. We're going to really tone this down. This is too much. This is beyond Royal Tannenbaum. Alright, we've got to go. The best.

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Listen to Angie Martinez IRL on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Guess what, Will? What's that, Mango? I've been trying to write a promo for our podcast, Part-Time Genius. But even though we've done over 250 episodes, we don't really talk about murders or cults. I mean, we did just cover the Illuminati of cheese. So I feel like that makes us pretty edgy. We also solve mysteries like how Chinese is your Chinese food and how do dollar stores make money? And then of course, can you game a dog show? So what you're saying is everyone should be listening. Listen to Part-Time Genius on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your

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