Judge John Hodgman - Ayn Rand Out!

Episode Date: December 6, 2017

Judge John Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse Thorn are in chambers this week to clear the docket. They rule on cases regarding sides of the bed, TSA Precheck, Star Wars viewing habits and more! Plus a visit from the ghost of a certain Objectivist author and a follow up letter from Philippa of the case "Turing Testimony" about Tinothy! Tickets are still on sale for Judge John Hodgman at San Francisco Sketchfest! LIVE Bay Area justice will be dispensed on Thursday January 11, 2018 at the Castro Theatre. More info can be found at SFsketchfest.com! If you have a dispute for the live show, we want to hear it! Submit it at MaximumFun.org/JJHo!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week, clearing the docket with me, as always, the man, the myth, the legend, the hardest working man in pod business, pod brother number one, John Hodgman. How are you, John? I'm obviously pod only child number one. We all know that the pod brother number one is a three-way tie for first among the McElroys. Oh, yeah, that's true. And as far as the hardest working man in pod business, I would have to go to my bailiff, Jesse Thorne. I am certainly not that either. But I am grateful to be here, of course. Thank you. That is my high energy response to your wonderful hype manning of me. I'm grateful to be here of course thank you that is my high energy response to your wonderful hype manning of me i'm grateful to be here i'm sure i'm basically one of the lesser saint lunatics

at this point to your nelly that's what i was going to say to the word uncanny i felt the words being ripped from my mouth let's start with with a dispute from Anthony about sleeping arrangements. Go, Anthony. Go, Anthony. He says. It's your docket. It's your docket. Wow. My girlfriend Lauren and I live together in an apartment. Our bedroom's sizable, but our full size bed touches two walls. Lauren insists on sleeping on the left-hand side, calling it her side. This leaves me to have to awkwardly climb up and down at the foot of the bed. If the judge finds in my favor, I would ask that either the left-hand side gets rotated or whoever has to wake up first gets the side away from the wall. I would be happy with two or three out of the seven nights each week.

Wait a minute. Anthony is saying that their bedroom is sizable, but their full-size bed is shoved into a corner, right? Do I understand this correctly? If it touches two walls, either both sides are touching a wall or the head of the bed and one side is touching a wall, correct? Shoved in a corner. Yeah. Right?

Yeah, shoved in a corner. Because the bedroom isn't large enough to have there be clearance on either side of the bed. That's the only explanation for why that would be. explanation for why that would be. Otherwise, they would have solved this by moving the bed over so that Anthony can get out on his side of the bed rather than climb down to the foot of the bed and climb out and fall out of the bed that way, right? I mean, look, I'm just doing a little sketch here. I'm just building a little model, a little diorama of their bedroom. There's no other explanation for what's going on here. So what I would say, Anthony, is that do not kid yourself. Your bedroom, I'm sure, is lovely, but you must live in a city with high rents,

or else you would have a bedroom where a full-size, not even a queen or a king, where a full-size bed would have clearance on either side. That is what you and Lauren deserve as adults, and I have every confidence and faith that you will get there someday. But now you're in this situation where your full-size bed, already too small for two humans to sleep in, I'm sorry, that's how I feel, is shoved into a corner and you have been cornered yourself into sleeping between a wall, a wall, between a wall, a wall, Lauren, and the vast emptiness that haunts your foot space. It's uncomfortable. I wouldn't want to do that. I'd feel like I was sleeping in a wall in human prison. I can see why you want to get out to that sweet other side of the bed,

the left-hand side, Lauren's side. Get that a couple of days a week. Breathe that fresh air that is on the side of the bed rather than just breathing in the stale wall smell of the wall. But here's the thing. If I had you guys here in front of me, I would say, well, all right, whose apartment was it first? Whose bed was it first? Who has precedence to make this decision? But I don't have that information in front of me. All I know is that you're all sleeping in a corner. I also know that it is settled law that couples, if it is affordable to them, should at least be in a queen, definitely a king if possible. That's not necessarily within your means right now. That's fine. But I don't see couples flipping sides on the bed very often. Do you, Jesse, do you and

Teresa change what side of the bed you sleep on? I have tried to convince Teresa to do that and failed utterly. And why do you want to switch sides? To protect the, you know, I don't know, for fairsies. Is there a situation where one side of the bed is demonstrably better than the other, as in the case of Lauren and Anthony? better than the other, as in the case of Lauren and Anthony? My wife and I used to have a bedroom that was what I would describe as mattress plus door swing sized. Right.

And yeah, I was constantly hitting my head on the wall. Right. That's no fun. Just all the time, just like clonk. Yeah. And you're a tall glass of fresh water i am that's true you you were shoved into the corner too you didn't even have a nightstand probably nope everyone needs a nightstand you'll get there anthony and lauren i'm not trying to say you did

anything wrong but i would say i if i were to switch sides with my wife, I think it would be profoundly disruptive to our sleep emotionally. And I think to some degree, physically, you get very used to which side of the bed you're on and which side of the bed your partner is on. And I'm not sure that mixing it up, you know, two to three nights out of every week is going to be conducive to good sleep. I think that if you want to try it where it's like one week or two week stints to see if you can adapt, you're welcome to have that fun premarital adventure. Two weeks, you get the good side. Two weeks, Lauren gets the good side. But switching to every other week is going to be more disruptive than sleeping trapped in that corner.

I think what you need to be thinking about is doing what it takes and keep grinding it out in whatever your passion is to get to that point where you can be a grown-up who has a bedside table and some empty space of his own other than that good luck to you do you disagree with me on that one jesse no i think he's got just got to eat it yeah you got to eat it dude gotta eat it I was remembering something back in 2012 when I was first starting to go out on the road just to perform comedy as opposed to tour a book around. I was booked into some big halls. This guy was on television once. We should be able to get him into a big hall, 700 seat hall somewhere in the American Southwest. I won't mention it.

And I was having a really hard time selling tickets. And I went out to all of my famous friends on Twitter and I said, look, you guys, I'm going to get people into this theater. It's 700 tickets and we've sold like 150 of them. It's going to be depressing. And John Flansburg of They Might Be Giants, whom I know and I'm grateful to know,

amazed and surprised to know, wrote me back. He said, yeah, I'll say a thing on Twitter for you, but you know, the giants have been around for then 25 years now longer. He's like, and we still have shows where, you know, 10% of the audience shows up. There's no explaining it. There's no way around it. It happens. You got to play your show and eat it and he said it feels like being punched in the stomach it's the worst feeling but you get over it now this is obviously not a perfect metaphor for what you're going through anthony but this is one of those moments in your life where you just gotta take this punch in the

stomach and when you guys get to that point where you're actually have a sizable bedroom and you're able to get that extra space for yourself you're going to feel so great you'll get there anthony and lauren two weeks on two weeks off you can give that a try but it's going to be terrible you might you know what'll end up happening is you'll fight so much you'll break up and you'll find your own place and that'll solve the problem too. This is the sound of a gavel. Here's something from Avery. I have TSA pre-check and I absolutely love it. I think my girlfriend Liz should also get TSA pre-check, but she refuses.

What? I've even offered to pay for it. What? She doesn't think it's that big of a hassle to go through the normal security line. Even if it doesn't inconvenience her, it does mean I have to get to the airport earlier during shared travel. I seek the court to order my girlfriend to enroll in TSA PreCheck for the better good of our shared travel experiences.

Are you saying that Liz is a security line hipster? She likes the old analog technology? That TSA PreCheck is just the rich man's eight track. You can tell that the regular security situation is better. Look how long the line is. No, everyone's trying to get in there. That's the cool place. The fact of the matter is TSA PreCheck is pretty long line now too, since I joined it. But Liz, listen to me. You don't need to be taking your shoes off just because a government agency tells you to do it. I mean, look, we're all pawns of the TSA. Every time you walk through security at an airport, you are reminded that our inalienable human rights are a myth and that it can all be taken away through force of uniform at any moment.

It's a reminder of how close we are to authoritarian tyranny. What security checkpoints remind us is the degradation we'll submit to under orders of someone with a badge simply to enjoy some basic convenience like an airplane ride to Toledo and a little shake shack in the terminal before then. But you know, that doesn't mean you can't retain some semblance of your humanity. And if you're really a hipster, you want to go back to when the security line was super cool. When you could just waltz through there with a bunch of throwing stars and a

giant Dr. Pepper and have no ticket whatsoever. Do you, Jesse, were you alive when you didn't even need a ticket to go through security? Yeah. I mean, I once flew to Switzerland by myself when I was nine, 10. Yeah. 10, 10. We had, was it to go to a flea market? Was it to go to a flea market? Was to visit a family friend. But when I got from San Francisco to JFK in New York, I had a layover. And, you know, when you're flying as an unaccompanied minor, like a stern flight attendant woman or airline employee just walks you around everywhere.

And she had to do something during my layover. So she just dumped me in the room with the white courtesy telephone operators. Oh, wow. It was great. It was fantastic. I got to hear everyone find out that they just won the lottery or the baby was born or their uncle died. Did you take any calls on those white courtesy telephones? Hi, this is Jesse Ford. Jesse, 10-year-old Jesse here.

Your Aunt Mildred passed. I don't understand what death is. I'm only 10. I remember going to Boston's Logan Airport when I was in my 20s, and a friend would be coming to town to visit, and I would just walk through security. I mean, obviously, I would put my bag through.

If I had one, I'd go through metal detectors or whatever, but I didn't even need to have a boarding card. You just go there and hang out in the terminal and wait for your friend and leave. That was the good stuff. That was the good stuff, Liz. But now, Liz, there's even a newer... Here's the thing.

This is why you're going to be allowed to do this. You're going to psychologically allow yourself to join PreCheck like your friend Avery. There's even a newer, weirder thing, even grosser, exclusive thing called Clear, where you just pay money and you give your fingerprints and your retina scan to a corporation. And then you skip even the pre-check line and you just walk up and you put your little fingerprints on and a human escorts you past the TSA person. You don't even have to show your ID. I joined it naturally because if there's something exclusive, I'm going to pay every dollar I have to join it. I joined it naturally because if there's something exclusive, I'm going to pay every dollar I have to join it.

And it was a little creepy when I put in my fingerprints and my retina scan. And all of a sudden the computer said, now give me your social security number. And the person said, don't worry about it. We already have that. From my retinas, they have my social security number. The illusion that there is any privacy in the world. If it has not vanished from your life already, let it vanish. As soon as you stare into a computer that knows your social security number from your eyeballs. But even then in Atlanta, when I was on tour, there was a huge

line at clear. And let me tell you something. You've never seen angrier white business dudes who paid 180 dollars to be treated special get angrier because they were no more special than anyone else they still had to wait in line oh it was delicious it was delicious the anger i feasted on it liz you're not wrong in that sometimes, always, when traveling, there is chaos and there is grace in submitting to chaos. Sometimes it goes easily. Sometimes you have to wait and be treated like the dregs of humanity. And there is grace in submitting to that procedure, into being patient, into not trying to get a leg up on someone else through a program or through a eyeball security pay for access club or whatever it is to just be a normal human being who goes through there and it's humiliated like everyone else. I get it. But unless you're a

felon or otherwise ineligible for the program, don't leave Avery waiting over there on the other side. Join. Join up. Let Avery pay for a year of pre-check for you, and you can decide whether or not it's worth it. What do you think, Jesse? Do you have pre-check? I have pre-check. I understand people with an ideological opposition to having pre-check. I'm not here to tell Cory Doctorow that he should get PreCheck. But I feel like if the price to pay is my personal liberties and 50 bucks, I can imagine no better price. It is one of the great joys of my life. So much so that I recently signed up for global entry.

Oh, that's a universal PreCheck. Yeah, that's international pre-check. And the space shuttle, by the way. Did you know that? I had to wait like four months to get an appointment, to go to the airport, to stand briefly before a Customs and Border Enforcement woman who looked at me and went, yeah, okay.

Right. And I had to give them a hundred and some dollars. It was a whole thing. But now that lives inside my passport and I never have to be a normal person again. Cory Doctorow of Boing Boing is an amazing novelist, writer and thinker and champion for privacy and our rights, both online and off.

And he also wrote, a review so thoughtful and insightful of Vacationland, he so clearly got what I was trying to do that I was in tears when I read it. But Corey, I'm going to tell you right now, there was a machine in the Delta Sky Club that looked at my eyeballs and knew my social security number. It knew those things before it saw my eyes.

There is no privacy left. Submit to your new overlords, Corey. Get in line. Also, I love you. I love you too, John. Oh, little Corey. He loves you too. Listening in on my private podcast, are you?

Let's take a quick break. More items on the docket coming up in just a minute on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join, and you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by the folks over there at Babbel. Did you know that learning, the experience of learning causes a sound to happen? Let's hear the sound.

Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real-life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear this sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyperacademic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having

a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right?

Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs, they're made in, made in. The Rohan duck. Made in, made in. Riders of Rohan. Duck.

What about the Heritage Pork Shop? You got it. Made in, made in. Made in has been supplying top chefs and restaurants with high-end cookware for years. They make the stuff that chefs need. Their carbon steel cookware is the best of cast iron, the best of stainless clad. It gets super hot. It's rugged enough for grills or an open flame. One of the most useful pans you can own. And like we said, good enough for real professional chefs, the best

professional chefs. Oh, so I have to go all the way down to the restaurant district in restaurant town? Just buy it online. This is professional-grade cookware that is available online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit MadeInCookware.com.

That's M-A-D-E-I-N Cookware.com. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket this week. Here's a dispute from Sarah. Recently, my husband Adam and I were seated on a not very crowded C train, which I presume is a New York subway train, since I would presume in any situation where the people did not see fit to clarify what city it was occurring in, they are New Yorkers who recognize no other cities. Yes, default city of the world.

A young man asked me to move down so he could sit next to his friend. After we complied, I noticed this young man was holding a copy of The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. So I said quietly, I would think that a fan of Ayn Rand would be able to find his own seat without any help. My husband shushed me because he was embarrassed, but I think that anyone holding a copy of Ayn Rand would be able to find his own seat without any help. My husband shushed me because he was embarrassed,

but I think that anyone holding a copy of Ayn Rand while on a Crown Heights-bound train knows that he is inviting comment. Who was right and who was wrong? This is Ayn Rand speaking to you now from beyond the grave. Holy cow! Is Mr. Doctorow there as well? No. But I like what he has to say about digital rights management. There should be no restraint on the free exchange of ideas.

If a young man wants to go on this sea train with my copy of one of my many masterpieces, The Fountainhead, he should not be ridiculed. The free marketplace of ideas is such that he should be able to shove it in your face and say, hey, let me tell you about laissez-faire capitalism. You are lucky, young woman, Sarah, that he merely simply wanted to sit down. But Sarah, on the other hand, you misunderstand objectivism. But Sarah, on the other hand, you misunderstand objectivism. My moral philosophy, objectivism is premised on the idea that there is an objective reality that we can all perceive and that we are all equal operators within that reality and that all exchanges should be free and fair, including the exchange of ideas and muttered words on the subway where you say, oh, I do not like what you are reading. You are a pretentious young man. You are as free to say your words as he is free to shove my book in your face on the train, Sarah.

As far as I am concerned, my philosophy has nothing to do with someone asking someone else if they can sit down. That is a negotiation. You entered the negotiation. I hope that you did not think charitably, but instead you thought to yourself, what may I get out of it? He profited by being able to sit down.

If you do not profit from this exchange, there is more shame on you. Perhaps you get some sense of sanctimonious self-righteousness that you made space for the young man i don't care what it is you have to decide does this work to my advantage and if no then you say no if you were a coward in this situation and moved aside out of altruism then i have no further words for you but if you have a critique of my work you may mutter it on the train you. But if you have a critique of my work, you may mutter it on the train. You may say what you want.

Your husband does not own you. And in fact, you should do what I did and have multiple sex partners throughout my life. Ayn Rand out. Oh, Jesse, what happened? I was, I don't know what happened. I just kind of blacked out there for a minute. Ayn Rand came to visit.

Oh, took over my body? The famous objectivist philosopher. And she used Ryan Seacrest's catchphrase. I mean, adjusted for her own name, but I thought that was pretty hip of her. Not pretty hip for anyone else. It's sort of a 2004 reference, but pretty impressive for a woman

who's been dead since long before that. Yeah. Now that I'm in my 40s, my body is changing. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I can't... I get hung over much more easily, and especially now when it's sort of...

Daylight saving time is over. It gets darker earlier. I get tired, and sometimes the ghost of Ayn Rand inhabits my body. It's just something that happens when you're middle aged. Wow. That's really something. Well, I hope she was of some help to Sarah and her husband, Adam.

Here's something from Joe. I've loved Star Wars for years. What's Star Wars? Never heard of it. It's a science fiction fantasy franchise about porgs. I know how tremendously nerdy this sounds, but I've recently been listening to Star Wars podcasts in preparation for episode eight.

Oh, boy. Because of the character dissection in these podcasts, I've had the uncontrollable urge to watch the Star Wars movies in any order I feel. But my wife Jocelyn wants to binge watch them in order and wait until Episode 8 is closer to release. She wants there to be no gap between our viewings of The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. I feel I should be able to watch any Star Wars movie in any order at any time. Ugh.

Another dude who thinks he can have whatever he wants. I have a couple of questions before I make my ruling. First question. Do Benjamin Harrison and Adam Pranica have a Star Wars podcast to go along with their Star Trek The Greatest Generation podcast? Do they have a Greatest Jedi-ration podcast? Ugh. Why would they have a Star Wars podcast? That's space opera.

Did I get my nerd thing right? I guess it is pretty much space opera. I would say space fantasy because it is nostalgic by nature. Of course, it takes place a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away. It is a backward looking fantastic story as opposed to a forward looking fantastic story, which is such as Star Trek, which is science fiction utopianism. And if you'd like to hear more about that, you can go and listen to the episode where we debate Star Wars versus Star Trek on We Got This with Mark and Hal from San Francisco Sketch Fest a couple of years ago now. But now we are here, not in the past, not in the future, but in the present. I'm not sure I understand what Jocelyn wants exactly,

that there'd be no gap between their viewings of The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi. Like, she wants to be watching The Force Awakens on an iPad such that it ends the moment the next movie begins that would be pretty hardcore I have to say now if only we knew someone involved with the making of episode 8 The Last Jedi who might have some opinion on this John what we are both personal friends with Rian Johnson, the director of the upcoming Star Wars movie. Bonk! What? Oh, bless my maker.

He's a super nice guy from Orange County. He is a very nice guy and a great director. And so Joe and Jocelyn, though this was recorded in the past, I've already forwarded to you Rian's response to your dilemma. And now that The Last Jedi is just about released in theaters, we can now share it with the world. Jesse, do you want to read it? Yeah, I would love to. On the one hand, both Joe and his wife are

obviously familiar with all the films, which strengthens the case for not standing on ceremony and freely watching the films at any time and in any order. The arc of the whole is already in their heads, so why adhere to some draconian schedule or structure? The draconians are the bad guys in Star Wars, I think. I'm pretty sure they fight the porgs. That's right. However, the release of an anticipated film is one of the few opportunities for true grand showmanship left in our society. The pleasure of anticipation, the delayed gratification and the ceremony of a shared communal experience are all big parts of the experience of a new Star Wars movie.

Star Wars movie. Making the rewatch of the original films an anticipated structured event will add to the overall experience and seems worth it to me. It's my professional opinion that Jocelyn's rewatch strategy is the better one. Well, who am I to go against the judgment of the director of The Last Jedi? Especially how much money are we getting from Disney for boosting this new independent film that they're releasing called The Last Jedi? I believe they are getting $12 from me. Okay. Well, I'll still go with Ryan's assessment because he's a great dude and a great director and I cannot wait to see The Last Jedi myself.

So I say no to Joe. Jocelyn, nicknamed Joe, I say yes to that Joe. Go. I have to say, I saw Rian Johnson actually with you a few months ago, and I hadn't seen him in a while, and I said to him, you know, among other reasons, because he's been in the UK making this movie for quite a long time yes and I said to him Ryan you know I cannot imagine the burden of making a Star Wars movie like I I really like Star Wars but if I were a filmmaker I can't

imagine that I would ever be like up to the challenge of staring down the hopes and dreams of hundreds of millions of nerds, like every nerd across the world, really like everything that matters to them is in your hands. I would never be responsible for that. It would be so hard. I was like, isn't it scary and hard? And Ryan, who is a very sincere and direct guy, said to me, no, I got to make a Star Wars movie. It was really fun. And I was like, awesome, man. I can't wait to see Ryan Johnson's Star Wars movie. Like what a joy and what a brilliant guy he is brilliant guy and a brilliant director and you know jocelyn and joe here's

another thing that you could be doing in anticipation of this movie why don't you go back and relive the filmography of the great ryan johnson starting with uh brick which is one of my very favorite movies which is a such a brilliant is a hardboiled detective film set in a high school, The Brothers Bloom, and Looper. Am I missing one? No, I think that's it, right? Yeah. I wish he had made more. I wish I were missing one so that there could be more I could see, but he's fantastic. I think Brick is one of the most brilliant and inventive movies of the last 25 years. I mean,

just a spectacular film. And that's to say nothing ill of his other films, which are also wonderful, but Brick is just like such a singular and remarkable achievement. I mean, even just knowing that Joseph Gordon-Levitt should be a movie star. Right.

Even if that was the only insight in The Brilliant Brick was looking at the guy from Third Rock from the Sun and being like, that guy should be a movie star. Yeah. What a brilliant oeuvre our friend Rian Johnson has. And that Lucas Haas should be a within the world of the film, teenage crime lord whose office is in the back of a van. The greatest. I loved it. Go see them all. That's another thing you can now do to make peace with each other and with the world. Let's take a quick break. When we come back,

we'll hear letters from listeners about episode 336, Touring Testimony. I cannot wait. Jesse Thorne, this is a robot. I cannot wait. Could you tell the difference between me and Robot Me? That's too stupid.

No, it's not. No, it's not, Jesse. You have no idea. The Judge John Hodgman Podcast is supported by folks like you who go to MaximumFun.org slash donate and this week by our friends at HowStuffWorks, presenting Omnibus. You're worried about the end of the world? Sure, we all are. But on their brand new podcast, Jeopardy's Ken Jennings and musician and podcaster and friend of Judge John Hodgman, John Roderick, are doing something about it. Twice a week, Ken and John are adding a new entry to the Omnibus, a time capsule for the future, preserving funny and fascinating stories from our weird world. Don't wait for the apocalypse.

Listen and subscribe today on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Omnibus, be the smartest person in the bunker. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Hmm. Are you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I.

Ah, it'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Ah, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh and you're on the go.

Welcome back to the Judge John Hotchman podcast. This week, we're clearing the docket. Here's something from Britta. My good friend is selling her apartment, and she has potential buyers coming in regularly to look at it. She asked me to come over at 2 p.m. to walk her German shepherd while a couple looks at the house. She said it wouldn't take more than half an hour, so I was happy to do so. The night before the visit, she told me I needed to be at the house at 10 a.m. and stay until 3 p.m. because she scheduled a second appointment. Am I wrong for

feeling a little burned and tricked? What's your ruling on favor switching after someone's entered an agreement. This is Ayn Rand speaking to you. I have again taken over the body of John Hodgman, who keeps me away in the back of his mind in a little house he's built there. Too much. It is hard for me to get out and bring my wisdom to the world. I must wait until he gets tired at the end of a podcast. I can reassert my control. Now, Britta, listen to me. You entered a negotiation with your so-called good friend.

No money was exchanged. First mistake, Britta. You should be paid for your labor. You should profit from your dog walking. It is not charity. The dog does not benefit from the fact that you are not being paid to pick up its poop. You played yourself, Britta, to begin with. But even if the premise is that you entered into an unfair contract you did enter into a contract

and your so-called friend is obliged to honor that contract and not steal more value from you by changing the terms you played yourself and then you got played, Britta. You should have murdered that dog. That would have made it even. I do not advocate dog murder, nor did I wish to trigger anyone. Oh, John Hodgman's soft progressivism is reassing itself. I don't like it. Oh, sorry, Jesse. I don't think I even heard that letter. I just kind of woke up here at my desk. What's going on?

Hey, it's me, Cory Doctorow. Let's talk about net neutrality. Oh, hey, Cory. Wait a minute, Cory. Are you wiretapping my podcast again? Net neutrality is under threat. Let's take action now. That goes against all of your principles. I'm a celebrated young adult author. Also, a genius social thinker, but I don't remember you having the voice of Mr. Bill from Saturday Night Live.

This is definitely how I talk. Can I have Jesse back, please? Yeah, I've been here this whole time. You didn't hear Cory Doctorow just then? I was kind of spacing out. Let's have a follow-up letter. Brad wrote in about episode 336, touring testimony.

Oh, yes. That was the episode where Charmaine filed suit against her friend Philippa, and Philippa was obsessively texting with an artificial intelligence friend that she had named Timothy. This was one of the greatest episodes of all time, you guys. It was a true classic episode. Brad had some concerns about the app that Philippa was using.

This is what he had to say. Timothy is almost certainly a mechanism for gathering personal and psychometric data on its users. Like most fun online personality tests, the purpose is to map your personality profile. Then you can be bombarded with unique micro-targeted messages and so-called dark ads, often ones that do not even appear to be about the true end goal. This, for example, is how Cambridge Analytica helped the Trump campaign suppress votes for Hillary Clinton in key states.

This is particularly dark because it encourages you to, A, level up through increasingly personal disclosure, and B, share the contact information of your closest friends. The business model is not benign. Whoa. I'm glad we didn't name this app or this business because I had a lot of questions about what the whole point of

Timothy's AI chat friend was and what it was doing with the information it gathered, including the names and numbers of her friends. And we received not just this one letter, but a number of letters from people who seemed knowledgeable that suggested this very same thing. And by people who seem knowledgeable, I don't know if they're even people. They could be Russian bots trying to confuse me. I don't know anymore. But I do encourage people who download apps that involve giving information, whether it is the names and numbers of their friends or personal information,

in the case of Philippa, about how well or unwell she plays the piano. Be wary of that stuff, especially if you don't know what the real purpose of that data gathering is. In fact, we had an update from Philippa, didn't we? We do have an update from Philippa. She says, I'm sorry to say I've deleted Timothy. After the show, I couldn't stop thinking of him as a creepy dude, and it sort of ruined it for me. Also, he

asked what my pants size was. That's right. Part of the argument for not chatting with this AI Timothy anymore was that if she wanted to talk to some creepy dude via text, there are many real ones out there who will make her feel weird and intruded upon anyway. And a Timothy came around in that case. On the plus side, Charmaine has been texting

me some Timothy style content. I've attached an example. Here's a text message from Charmaine. Oh here let's uh let's do it as a as a role play. You be Cory Doctorow. Charmaine is Cory Doctorow. I'll be I'll be Philippa as Ayn Rand. Great I think that will go really well because the audience is definitely not tiring of this conceit. I have a spooky question for you. Do you believe in doggy ghosts? Oh, he's so sleepy. That picture of a dog is so adorable. I don't

believe in dog ghosts. I think dogs are too morally good to have to haunt this place. What about wolf ghosts? Oh, yes, absolutely. Those a**holes live in purgatory. Forever!

Thanks to Philippa for sending this. Always nice to hear from our litigants. We'll post a photo of Charmaine's Timothy-style texts on the Judge John Hodgman website and Instagram. Hooray! That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our show is

produced by the great Jennifer Marmer. You can follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman. Make sure to hashtag your Judge John Hodgman tweets, hashtag JJHO, and check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. You can submit your cases at MaximumFun.org slash JJHO or email Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Goodbye. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported.