Judge John Hodgman - Birthday B.S. Corpus

Episode Date: October 19, 2022

Brandi files suit against her husband, Greg. Greg’s birthday falls in August, but he would like to change it to October 17th. She wants to be able to celebrate on his actual date of birth! Who’s right? Who’s wrong?Thank you to Twitter User @BenjaminAhr for naming this week’s case! To suggest a title for a future episode, follow us on Twitter for naming opportunities: @JesseThorn & @Hodgman. Or keep track using the Twitter hashtag #JJHoCaseNames.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, birthday BS corpus. Brandy files suit against her husband, Greg. Greg's birthday falls in August, but he'd like to change it to October 17th. She wants to be able to celebrate on his actual date of birth. Who's right? Who's wrong, only one can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom and presents an obscure cultural reference. There is something about the middle years of life, the 40s to 50s, that makes a man take a long, hard look at himself. take a long, hard look at himself. For then it is that he comes face to face with the ashes of his dreams and realizes that he is most definitely not going to write the great American novel or become president of the company or become a multimillionaire or even the host of the Judge

John Hodgman podcast. Bailiff Jesse Thorne, please swear the litigants in. Brandy and Greg, please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever? I do. Yes, or whatever. Yes. Thank you.

I don't want to hear any or whatevers. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling despite the fact that he hasn't celebrated a birthday in over 25 years? I do. Yes. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Brandy and Greg, you may be seated or whatever. Don't let Bella and Jesse push you around like that, Brandy. You can say or whatever. Don't let bail if Jesse Plank pushes you around like that, Brandy. You can say or whatever. Judge Hodgman, I'm tired of people responding to that prompt as though

their choices are yes, no, and whatever. They're not there to dismiss what I'm saying. It's an option to choose between God or whatever they would like to swear by. Jesse, we've done this for a long time. You know you're my very close friend.

Shut your pie hole. How do you like that? Wow. I can't see my friend Jesse because we're not doing teleconferencing. We're back to old school. We're in the studio. And maybe I really hurt his feelings.

Jesse, I'm sorry. Jesse, are you there? That is all. Oh! Turn about is fair play. That is a dagger in my spleen. Good job, Jesse Thorne. But for an immediate summary judgment in one of your favors, Brandy or Greg, can you name

the piece of culture that I referenced as I entered this fake internet courtroom? Brandy, we start with you. Oh, no. I don't know. Brandy, Brandy, Brandy. Yeah, something with matthew broderick being really old in a movie that's as close okay wow that was i thought you were that's a good guess i like that guess but i can't think of a movie where he may have said that

like for example um you know what it feels like the movie election yeah but right i can't i didn't say that no but i'm to put that in, Election. That's a good guess, because that's a movie about a midlife crisis. Yeah. Directed by Alexander Payne, based on the novel by my friend and former teacher, Tom Parada. And there's a sequel to the book, Election, that just came out a few months ago. It's called Heat 2 by Michael Mann. No.

No? No. It's called Tracy Flick Can't Win. Greg, what's your guess? Well, as you were reading it, I was going to say that's the entry from a young John Hodgman's diary, circa age 14 or 15, until you got to the last part. That's also a very good guess. I got to say, Greg, that's a great guess because it's definitely the case that were I keeping a diary at the age of 14 or 15, I definitely would be concerned with middle age. I mean, that is very accurate. I'd definitely be worried about having not accomplished enough in middle age at that point. So John Hodgman's diary from age 14 or 15. Yes. Good guess. Both guesses are wrong, which is to say all guesses are wrong.

So we will hear the case. This is actually this opening paragraph from a section. Now I've lost it, of course. A section on page 15 of this book, the section was called boredom and frustration. And it is part of a chapter that describes why people might choose to abandon their families and establish an entirely new identity by stealing another person's birthday and birth certificate, preferably a dead person, and becoming a different person. It's from a book from 1985 called How to Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by

Doug Richmond. It was published by Loom Panics Unlimited Press. Loom Panics was a very weird alternative sort of anarchic press in the 80s. And I happen to have a copy of this lying around and I was thinking about it because one of the things that I looked up while preparing for this case, and yes, I do prepare for them, is, is there a way to legally change your birthday? I mean, obviously changing your birth year is unfeasible, but can you legally change your birthday the way you can change your name? And guess what, Greg? What?

You can't do it. What? No, not legally. Outrageous. The only way and reason to do it is to illegally change your birthday because you're assuming a new identity to escape from your shrew of a spouse brandy. Finally, finally around the world or become adventurers. It's pure gross fantasy, but it's an enjoyable read. It's an artifact, if you will. So here we are, we're going to hear this case. Who comes to this court to seek justice and what justice

does that person seek? That would be I, Brandy. So I've asked Craig to celebrate his birthday in August when his birthday takes place thereabouts. He's picked October 17th and has for a long time, but I'm just like, we're not celebrating your birthday at all if we just don't celebrate in August. So- Wait a minute. I thought this was, I misunderstood. I thought this case was about Greg wanting to change his birthday from August. What is your actual, what is the date of your birth, Greg? August 8th.

August the 8th. And wanting to change it to October 17th. But Brandy, you're telling me that this is already happening. No, no. So what's happening is I would go to him on August. I'm like, hey, let's celebrate your birthday. And he says, no, I want to celebrate it in October. And then that just doesn't happen because I say you're ridiculous or your birthday is in august oh okay so you veto him on that yeah and then you force a birthday party on august well that's the thing is like don't force a birthday shove a cake in front of his ma and sing happy birthday to him that's exactly how it happened well that's how it's like your parents call you on your

birthday. Or you wait till he blows out the candles and then sing happy birthday. Which style of family are you? Oh, we're definitely sing before the candles, I think. Sing before blow. Yeah, sing before blowing out candles. Yeah. Right. Do I care? Do I care about when Greg celebrates his birthday? You obviously care, Brandy. Why does this irk you so? Well, honestly, my birthday's in August as well. I like that our birthdays are close. When is your birthday? August 22nd. So they're two weeks apart. And I mean, it is his actual birthday. And like you said, it's really illegal to change it. So it's always recognized by his family, his friends, everyone knows when his birthday is. I like to celebrate his birthday because we love him.

And he's just kind of like denied it to the point that like now our kids are confused when their dad's birthday is. And it says here that you that Greg, you are in your 40s. So you are at that time of life when you are contemplating your dreams turning into ashes as we discussed before. And Brandy, it says here that you are a flight attendant. Yes. Fantastic. Isn't it exciting and glamorous life? I'm going to say yes. Because I still enjoy it. But I wouldn't say it's really glamorous. It's not.

The people I'm acquainted with who are flight attendants really enjoy it a lot, I have to say. I mean, I'm sure that it's not as glamorous as it used to be. Although, well, I'm sure that it's only gotten harder, particularly over the past couple of years. So thanks for hanging in there. And Greg, it says here that you work in insurance, but that you're particularly obsessed with numerology, specifically the numbers 1017. Is that right? Or did I make that up? Well, I do work in insurance. I'm not sure what significance those numbers have. Oh, it's 1017, Greg, the date that you are fixated upon. I'm trying to find some understanding of why you care about October 17th. So let's get into it. why do you want to change legally or no your birthday

from august the 8th right well first you have to start with my wait a minute wait wait wait wait wait hang on let me do the math i'm terrible at subtraction everyone knows this so that's okay to the you turn it okay you're okay right right before i said it two two oh i mean i knew it couldn't be as good as this i thought maybe you would have been born 8 8 88 oh you're so close the most incredible number of all time you're only off by 10 years well i don't want i don't want okay now everyone can put together your exact birthday enjoy his identity identity thief yeah goodbye identity but that's what i want maybe you'll have to start a new birthday now because your Greg is going to disappear. He's going to be taken over by some passport thief.

Okay, so you don't like 8-8, but you do like 10-17. Tell me why. So it starts with my absolute hatred of August. August is easily the worst month of the year. I don't know a single person who likes August. And for me, it's especially painful. It's hot in August. You've just made it through July, which was awful, but it's okay. You have a holiday in there. Utah, we actually have a couple holidays. And then you get to August and it's just one miserable day after the other.

I see. And August has nothing, right? Yeah. Disgusting. No day worth remembering. No national holiday. Yeah. Oh, it's just all junk days, including August 22nd. It's only the birthday of your beloved.

Well, I don't hold that against you. What about August 17th? The birthday of Hodge Manillo, our son. Well, what's the weather like on that day? You hate it because it's hot. You hate August. It's no fun. No fun to have a party.

No, it's not fun to have a party. I mean, we're not big on parties to begin with, but we like to have a couple friends over, do something small. And for me, it'd be nice to get up in the mountains, go out there, have a little cookout, bring the cake up. And August just is not the time for anything outdoors, even up in the mountains. So your main feeling of hating your birthday is temperature. Oh, it's awful. Yeah. I have three weather apps on my phone that I check constantly. I see. All August long, just, I guess, just to know how miserable I should feel.

Are you hoping that one will contradict the other? Exactly. Yeah. If you don't like the one, you go to the second one and hope for a better second opinion. So it's not like childhood trauma or disappointment that your birthday's in the summer. So all your little playmates were on summer vacation and you couldn't have a good birthday party or whatever. It's not like people who are born around the major winter holidays feeling overlooked. You just don't like the temperature. Well, now that you mentioned that, I never had my birthday celebrated in school.

Wow. I never thought of that before. Wow. No, I never thought of it. Neither did I, Greg. What about October 17th? You just like the temperature better? Oh yeah. So September's okay. It can still be awfully hot though. Exhibit A would be this past September when it hit 107 in Salt Lake City. Yeah. By mid-October, you're kind of past the early part of October where it can still be in the 80s and you really get into those nice fall days. The leaves have changed. It's nice and cool in the mornings. The sun sets early. And you just get into these wonderful days.

Highs like maybe in the mid-70s, if you're lucky, mid-60s. You know, the house feels great. It's cool inside. You don't have to run the AC. The heat's not on yet. And, you know, just house feels great. It's cool inside. You don't have to run the AC. The heat's not on yet. And you know, just a wonderful time. Greg, let me say, I can't see you, but your voice is so placid and wonderful in describing this scene that I feel like I'm listening to Bob Ross.

It's wonderful. Are you a Utah by birth or for most of your life? Yeah, for the majority of my life. All but four or five years. I mean, you could move rather than change your birthday. You could move to a more temperate climb. I mean, I don't know where you would need to go

at this point, probably Winnipeg. Have you heard of Maine? I have heard of Maine. But we have actually discussed that. But Argentina and Chile, a little far away from family. So you're talking about going below the equator. Oh yeah.

To flip the script on the entire seasonal system. Exactly. I wish I really were a deranged millionaire so I could fund this antipodal move. Just say, okay, here's all the money in the world. Go move, go move to Buenos Aires.

What a life you would have. Talk about leaving it all behind. Talk about disappearing forever and never being found. Except you'd be found. But yeah, I guess that's a little far from family. So when did you first start thinking about October? Why October 17th specifically? Is that a special day on the almanac?

No, nothing really special with the day. It's far enough away from the end of October. You're not messing with Halloween. And it's far enough away from the end of October. You're not messing with Halloween. Okay. And it's just, you know, past kind of the middle of October where, again, you're kind of past all those really hot days that you get during the summer. Kind of guaranteed to be in the nice, cool mornings, wonderful nights, just a real pleasant time of year. Just keep it rolling, Greg. I'm just really having a real ASMR moment. This is fantastic. Brandy, why does it matter? I mean,

what's the big deal about celebrating in October? I don't think it's going to happen. It's October 17th today that we're recording and he... I know. And he hasn't... I didn't even notice that. Oh my gosh. It truly is a power number. Fantastic. 1017. All right. Phone calls, text messages, group chats. I just don't see people celebrating it or acknowledging his birthday. And so, and I just, we haven't planned for it. Plus, I'd like to point out that our anniversary is exactly one week from today. So we got married on October 24th and we end up doing something for that. We go sometimes on a trip or to the cabin or something. We do something fun for that. So it's kind of too close to actually acknowledge Greg's birthday on October 17th. I'd like to acknowledge it and celebrate him. Craig, it's true that even if everyone in your immediate circle of family and so forth and friends were to agree to suspend reality and start celebrating October 17th, you're now really loading up the front of the holiday, what we call the holiday season. Because now you got your Paniwani birthday, your anniversary, Halloween, the November holiday, the December holidays, New

Year's Eve. It's a little much. You're trying to align yourself with these big holidays because you feel like in August you're not important enough? No, I see it differently. So we have one kid born in July. There's two of us in August, Brandy and myself, and then our third kid's born in September. So why not take my birthday from August and keep the fun going in October?

Brandy, you say your argument is this will never happen. But what I'm asking is why don't you want it to happen? Because it could happen. You could do this. I think he's requested it before and it hasn't happened for several years. I think when I first met him several years ago, he's like, yeah, I really like October 17th. Like he's always made it clear that he really likes that day. Brandy, it's not some magical incantation that you're powerless over.

Greg doesn't have to find a special magical stone to wish upon. It's just a convention. You could say, okay, that's a little weird, but let's celebrate your birthday in October like you like, and I'll go along with it. And you tell your family and your friends that you're doing this. And insofar as they go along with it, it'll happen.

Judge Hodgman, are you suggesting that Brandy believes that birthdays change through a Sylvester and the magic pebble process? Oh, we like that book. That's a good book. Oh, my goodness. Yeah, you don't have to have a magic pebble. You don't have to have a magic pebble. And if you do have one, don't wish yourself into a rock. No.

Bad plan. into a rock. No. Bad plan. Okay, we do have small children that we don't lie to, that we tell the truth about, especially about the truth about major holidays or fictional characters, and why would we lie about when dad's birthday is? But it doesn't have to be a lie, you understand. It could simply be, yeah, well, your dad's actual birthday is in August, but he's a little sensitive to heat rash. So we celebrate it in October. I mean, if I were you, what I would be arguing, and I don't want to make the case for you, is that if you were to do that, then you would argue a slippery slope argument. That like all of a sudden your kids, how old are they again, would you say?

They're four and they're one now. Right. I mean, that one-year-old is just going to go, blah, blah, blah, blah. But the four-year-old is going to be like, well, okay, then my birthday is every day. He is. He's starting to act like that. So in August 8th, he could see on the calendar it was dad's birthday. And he came to me, he's like, what are we going to do for dad's birthday?

I'm like, well, we're doing nothing. Dad doesn't want to celebrate his birthday today. And he was very confused. He was like was like well where's a card where's a gift where's a cake and i was like um he wants to celebrate it later um but now like he now he's getting this notion he wants to celebrate later he says all of his toys have birthdays like every week he has a birthday next week he thinks his birthday's next week and it's july so it's confusing so your older uh son's birthday is in j. So your older son's birthday is in July and your younger son's birthday is when? September. September. Greg, have you talked to other people in your life

about this desire of yours, this plan, family, friends? Oh, yes. Yeah. Before I was married and met Brandy when most of my birthday celebrations, I guess, happened with family, I would say the same thing to my parents who just like Brandy were very polite, but just ignored my requests and continue to celebrate my birthday in August. I mean, it's a, it's a special day for them too. I mean, presuming that your parents love you, they have a fond memory of a particular day in August when you came into their lives. Have they expressed any sadness about abandoning that day to your whim? No, in fact, this year they somehow got wind of the change and they actually sent me a card. They got wind of your whim?

of the change and they actually sent me a card. They got wind of your whim? Well, they got wind that I was being a little more insistent than I have in the past to just put off the celebrations. And I actually got a card from them just a week ago wishing me a happy October 17th birthday. So they're coming around. Oh yeah. It's been years working on them,

but they're finally coming around. How many years? Oh, I'd say it probably started in my mid-20s, so almost two decades. Whoa, this has gone on a long time. When did you, you mentioned that you and Brandy have known each other for, what, five or six years? We've been married eight years. Oh, excuse me. I misunderstood.

So how long into the relationship was it before you revealed that you had a secret birthday all your own? I don't know. When did I first tell you? I think you mentioned something when we were dating. You're kind of like, I like October 17th. That's kind of like my day. I'm like, all right, whatever. Greg, do you remember the day that you settled on October 17th? I don't remember the day that I did settle on October 17th. You have to think back, Greg. I need you to think back to where you were in your 20s. What were you doing?

You say you're mid-20s. What was going on? Paint a picture for me. Were you in Salt Lake or thereabouts? Yeah, it's probably just sweating on a hot August afternoon. It's August 8th again. You've been through July. August is just dragging on.

You can't sleep at night because it's too hot and you're just miserable, miserable. And then all these people want to surround you with candles. Well, we are hot breath in your face. Oh, this, I look,

no one is, no one can say that you can't paint a word picture of happy little trees. Let me tell you what. But I'm asking you to sincerely tell me facts. Where were you in the world? What were you doing in your mid-20s? Let's just start there. Trying to get back to this memory that you have obviously suppressed of the day you thought of October 17th as your new birthday.

Oh, where was I when it probably started? Probably still in college. Okay. And probably dreading going back to school, which would start in just a couple of weeks and just maybe wanting to delay things. Where were you living? Where were you living? Oh, this would have been Salt Lake.

In Salt Lake. Yeah. And where were you going to college? The University of Utah. And that summer, what would you do during the summers during college? Were you working a job? Yeah. And where were you going to college? The University of Utah. And that summer, what would you do during the summers during college? Were you working a job? Yeah. Yeah, I had several jobs.

I don't remember which job this would have been. I did a stint at a computer company for a little while. Worked at the library at the University of Utah for a little while. Also. What department? Interlibrary loans. Was that interlibrary lonely work. There are about four of us, I think in, in the department, not including my, my boss, there were four of us students. Yeah. And it was, it was a nice peaceful job. You'd get your list

of books, wander throughout the library and grab them. A lot of time to mull. Oh yeah. So there you are mulling in the library. Let's put it there. Does that feel about right? Yeah, that could be. It's got to be a reason that you picked this particular day. Oh, it's just because October's so great. Yeah, but it's not just some day in October. It's a specific day in October. So if you want the truth.

Yes! Yes, that's what we want! What? I would choose September 22nd as my fake birthday. If it hadn't been chosen for you, by whom? We really wanted our child's birthday. By my cruel parents who chose that birthday on August 8th. So I would choose September 22nd because it is the birthday of both Bilbo Baggins and Frodo Baggins. And one of my greatest disappointments in life was when our second child was born,

but not because he was born, because he was born on September 20th. And we had the chance to have him be born on September 22nd. But that doctor who did not work the Wednesday and said, no, I cannot deliver him on a Wednesday. Said we had to do it on a Monday instead. Should we just change our second job's birthday? I just need to point out that I'm getting a message across the wire here. September 22nd is also producer Jennifer Marmer's mom's birthday.

That's a good day. It's a good day. Why didn't you want September? When did you read The Lord of the Rings? Why didn't you settle on this years ago when you were wandering around the stacks during interlibrary loan? Well, yeah, first read Lord of the Rings probably at age 10 and then probably reread it every year since then until about mid thirties. So it may have had some influence in moving the birthday after August and towards the fall, but it's just not far enough in the fall.

You get too many days in September where it's just too hot. I see. So you, you, you, again, September 22nd had great personal meaning for you, but a little,

a little too stuffy. Oh yeah. A little too warm. Yeah. I see. Interesting. Judge Hodgman, I'm changing too stuffy. Oh, yeah. A little too warm. Yeah. I see. Interesting. Judge Hodgman, I'm changing my birthday. I just decided.

What are you going to change it to? December 25th, because it's the birthday of my greatest hero, Ricky Henderson. I'll allow it. I mean, I'll allow almost anything. Let's take a quick recess and hear about this week's Judge John Hodgman sponsor. We'll be back in just a moment on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join.

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You hear me trying to pull out memory and significance of this particular day. And he keeps saying like, I don't remember. I think it just comes down to heat. Yeah. You know him better than I do. Do you believe him when he says it just comes down to heat? Or is there something else going on, do you think? No, he's honest.

Like, we're really honest people. And he's honest. And I've tried to figure out, so October October 10th or it was October 17th myself. I traced back and I'm like, what day did we meet? Because we met the end of September or anything. I tried to trace back to something significant like me or something else. And nope, he just really likes October. And he likes October 17th.

But he did settle on it before he met me. I swear he mentioned it when we were dating that you're like, that's like the perfect day. I think we would have gotten married on October 17th, but my mom wasn't available. So we had to push it back a week. You were going to get married on October 17th, but you pushed it back. That was going to be your anniversary. Yeah. Yeah.

I think we would have, again, like my mom wasn't available and, you know, moms have to be at your weddings. Of course. not available and you know moms have to be at your weddings so of course and greg did i mean was was this did you try to be married on october 17th because of your inexplicable but obviously sincere love for that day i definitely wanted an october wedding i feel very lucky that i was able to convince brandy to get married in october it was kind of a rushed wedding because we did not have a lot of time to plan because it was in October. But yeah. Right, because you insisted that it be in October.

I know. You know, there's an October every year. You could have waited until the next one. And have you ever tried to plan an October birthday for yourself, Greg? Do you know what? I have not. But the reason is because it always gets celebrated in August, whether I like it or not. Greg, what's an example of a time you objected to a celebration of your birthday, but your objections were overruled?

So two years ago? Well, this happens every year is the problem. So it gets close to my birthday. Brandy wants to plan something. And the conversation kind of goes like this. What are we going to do for your birthday? And we're not very confrontational. And so I don't want to just tell her outright, we're not celebrating my birthday.

So I say, well, I'd rather just wait. And a couple of days might go by and she'll bring it up again. And I'll say, oh, let's, let's just like, what if we just wait? And by the time it gets to my birthday, she's bought the cake. She's contacted friends. They're coming over and it's going to happen whether I like it or not. It's been 15 or 20 years since you decided you wanted to change your birthday. Why haven't you actually told anyone you were changing your birthday? Why have you only implied and suggested and gently cajoled? That's a good question. Why have I not done that? It's not confrontational, Jesse.

I don't know. I guess I thought I'd get too much pushback. People wouldn't want to celebrate it on the 17th and say, no, you're- What kind of pushback do you imagine? No? People just saying no or ridicule? Oh, no, I can't. If somebody said no to me, that'd be devastating. Whoa. Even if they said, no, I don't think so. I mean, Brandy is saying no to you every year since you've met her about this birthday thing. Yeah, but I'm used to that. She said no one asked her to marry me. Interesting.

I don't think that's entirely true, but that's a different podcast. I think it would fall to me if we changed the birthday. That means I would be, I mean, that's usually how birthdays kind of go anyways. It's your loved ones that are celebrating it for you. It's not you calling your friends and like, here's my invitation to my party. That's kind of like when you're doing your kid. So it'd fall to me to arrange it. And I'd be calling people and be like, Hey, we're having a cake for Greg's birthday this weekend. They'll be like, well, isn't it in August? And I'd be like, yes. And we have a ruling from Judge John Hodgman that we have to celebrate October.

Just kidding. But yeah, I just see it falling on me. And I understand why he like, you know, you can't really self-promote your birthday. I feel like that kind of changes as you get older. Not until you're 111, I'd say. Yeah. Wait, does that hold? Yeah.

Greg knows what I'm talking about. Yes, he does. Greg knows what i'm talking about do you think that greg is a little is as conflict averse as he seems to present himself that he's just afraid people will just say no to his dream i he's definitely when he's non-confrontational he really is but he's also he knows what he wants and he that's why he keeps telling me like especially this last august, I'm like, oh, your brother will be here August 10th. Let's just save your birthday for August 10th. And that's why he's like, no, we don't, I don't want to celebrate my birthday in August at all with any people whatsoever. And there's one of

my arguments. People change their birthdays all the time and celebrate them on different dates. Tell me, give me some examples. Oh yeah., your birthday's on a Wednesday or a Monday. No one wants to celebrate on a Monday or Wednesday, so you push it to the weekend. I see. You're just pushing it several weekends. Yeah. You send in a photo.

Who sent this in? Greg, you sent in a photo as evidence of three women standing in a beautiful, in front of a beautiful twilight, it looks like, in a gorgeous European city. What's going on in this photo? I mean, really paint me the word picture of this. This is a Thomas Kinkade style, beautiful twilight here and these nice people. What's going on?

Why am I looking at this? So Brandy's argued a lot for me celebrating my birthday on my birthday. me celebrating my birthday on my birthday, yet our youngest child who turned one this past year on September 20th, Brandy happened to be in Amsterdam when he turned one. And that's a picture of Brandy and two of my sisters enjoying the wonderful fall-like weather in Amsterdam instead of celebrating our one-year-old's birthday. It's a gorgeous rendition of maternal betrayal. Brandy skipping your younger son's birthday. Is that what you're trying to present in evidence here? Exactly.

Betrayal? That birthdays don't matter to Brandy? If the date's so important, then why was she out of the country? Wow. Well, it looks like you're having a wonderful time. Brandy, did you have a good time in Amsterdam with Greg's sisters? Yes, I had a wonderful time. Between three adults getting our schedules together, we picked a week.

And after we picked it, Greg goes, you know you're going to be gone for our kid's first birthday. And I said, yeah, we'll just celebrate it the weekend before, which is what we did. We had a great time. And the kid was very happy. I'm sure he didn't know one way or the other. And obviously, Greg, your sisters don't care about your youngest son's birthday either. It does seem to suggest that birthdays, I mean, I appreciate that this is Greg's extremely subtle, one might even say passively aggressive way of making this point, that you acknowledge that birthdays are changeable.

I would say they're changeable to the nearest weekend. And Greg, you mentioned Exhibit B before, but this is a birthday card from your parents for your October birthday celebration. This is what the caption here says, a birthday card from my Greg's parents for my October birthday celebration. It's a, it's a Darth Vader card that says the force is strong with you, dad. And Darth Vader is using the force to extinguish a bunch of floating birthday candles. I presume after everyone has already sung happy birthday to him. He's making his wish now. But again, I'm curious about this term, October birthday celebration, because you didn't have one, did you? Not yet.

Right. Well, it's today. And maybe we'll do something tonight, depending on the ruling. Look, I know you're in Salt Lake City, so you're two hours behind me, but it's the afternoon. You don't have anything planned? We can throw something together quick. Judge Hodgman, what if someone said no? It's true. I'll just wait it out. If you wait it out, no one will say no. Hey, we're always planning stuff last minute anyway. Craig, tell me more about what steps you would take to make this change logistically.

If I were to order in your favor, what would you do in order to make the 17th of October your birthday? Well, I think the first thing would be to just plan a celebration. And yeah, I'd tell extended family, maybe we'd have a bigger party than usual. Invite, you know, brothers and sisters and just plan it out and make it happen. How would you inform your extended family? Over signal. We got a nice group chat over there. How do you anticipate their response? Oh, they'll probably just ignore it. You know, just like, I don't know how many people are in your family. Maybe it'll be a half a dozen to a dozen.

Just no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, there's probably going to be some confusion. And I do have, let's see, five sisters and two brothers. So it is kind of a large family. And no, I think some of them might enjoy it. There's not a lot going on in October on the 17th. So we'll make it fun. But it's a week before your anniversary.

Don't you think it might overshadow your anniversary? We don't really do much for our anniversary. Yeah. Doesn't sound like you do much for anything. We often go out of town on our anniversary. Like a lot of our anniversaries have been like on trips and we're going to go on a trip this weekend. Wonderful. Are you taking your kids or do you have help to look after them?

We're going to take them this year. Yeah. We normally take them, but I'm like, I see in the future where we leave them behind with good care. Yeah, and we have good friends who their anniversary is just a few days after ours and we sometimes do stuff with them too. Good tradition. Yeah. All right. If I were to rule in your favor, Greg, today would be your birthday. Yes.

The day that we celebrate my birthday. The day that you celebrate your birthday. You also request a birthday certificate signed by the judge. That's me designating October 17th as his official unofficial birthday. Yes. That is the requested ruling. If I were to rule in your favor, this would be it. What are you going to do for your birthday if I were to rule in your favor? What are your plans? Sell me on this. What are you going to do for your birthday if I were to rule in your favor? What are your plans? Sell me on this. We'll go out.

We'll get a cake. I'll ask Brandy to get me the gift I ask for every year, which I might also note she also ignores, which is every year I only ask. She asked me what I want for my birthday. I only ask for a bag of licorice. And how many bags of licorice have I received? At least one. That's one more than I remember. Why don't you get him the bag of licorice?

I get him a bag of licorice every week. All he wants is licorice? What kind of licorice? Do you like the salty licorice? You ever have that salty licorice from europe yeah i have not not my thing i do enjoy the black licorice preferably i guess it's the american brand black licorice but really yeah any of those australian kinds will do and really any licorice will do except for maybe those gross fruity flavors brandy says you're honest people and yet you're playing a game with me, Greg. You're saying that Brandy has never gotten you a bag of licorice for your birthday. Then she says she has at least once. I don't remember. And then she says she gets you bags of licorice all the time. What's the truth? Well, okay. I was maybe exaggerating every week, but we do buy plenty of licorice for the house because Greg likes it. And I know one of the

years I did buy a bag of licorice. I wrapped it up, put a bow on it and went, happy birthday. Is it true? That's very nice. Is it true that Greg asked for a bag of licorice every birthday? Yes, that's true. And is it true that you do not give it to him every birthday, only once that you can recall? This is true. Why don't you give him the bag of licorice that he requests for his birthday? Because I feel like it's commonplace that I want to get him something special or more different or whatever it is, you know, more unique for his birthday. And so I should just be respectful of his licorice as well.

You seem to answer your question and anticipate my recommendation. The answer is you want to get him something special that you choose, right? Yes. Let Uh, yes. Let's say yes. Right. Okay. Like red vines. Yeah.

He likes black licorice. I get him red. Yeah, that sounds about right. Um. And what did you get him for his birthday this past August? Well, I went to, with our four-year-old, we picked out a pack of cards and we wrapped up, I wrapped up a pack of cards. I know it sounds dumb, but I was like, oh, we can play this as a family.

And then I gave it to Greg and he unwrapped it without the four-year-old observing it. And the four-year-old was upset about that. I wanted to point that out. So if we'd had formal celebration, the four-year-old could enjoy Greg unwrapping a gift that he helped pick out. But that has nothing to do with his changing his birthday date. He just got the present and unwrapped it, didn't care. Also, what did the four-year-old want, to play pinocchio

or something? He's a big fan of Rummy. I thought that the four-year-old could play It's Uno. So to help him with his numbers. Yeah. Yeah, but this is a birthday present for Greg. I mean, it's not like, I mean, I'm all for throwing

birthdays out the window and not making a big deal of them. But, you know, this isn't, you know, hang on. I'll make a note to mention this. Yeah, don't ask what the four-year-old got Brandy for her birthday. Sorry, I will ask. What did

the four-year-old get Brandy for her birthday? Sounds like a riddle. The four-year-old picked outy for her birthday? It sounds like a riddle. The four-year-old picked out a Lego X-Wing for Brandy's birthday. Did you appreciate those tops on your list, Brandy? Yeah, I like it a lot. And every time my four-year-old plays with it, I remind him it's mine. Okay. Brandy, if I were to rule in your favor, you would ask me to order that Greg's birthday is in August. What else?

Just that we celebrate it in August and he smiles and enjoys it. Maybe that's pushing it, but just the fact that his birthday is in August, I want to celebrate in August. What are you worried is going to happen if I were to rule against you? What are you worried is going to happen if I were to rule against you? That Greg doesn't get a celebration. That it will just get forgotten between October 17th not really being his birthday plus our anniversary next week. And he gets lost in that. I'm afraid he won't get a celebration. And therefore, our kids don't get to celebrate it with him. Do you think that's possible, Greg?

Oh, yeah, definitely. Why would your Paniwani birthday be forgotten? Well, you asked if it's possible. Yes, it's possible. Is it likely? No, I think we can definitely celebrate it. Like today, you know, we don't do anything really big for birthdays, at least for our birthdays. And so it'd just be a couple of friends over and we can have a cake and, you know, just enjoy some time together.

And it's nothing, nothing too big. I think I've heard everything I need to in order to make my decision. I'm going to go into my chambers. I will consider my verdict. I'll be back in a moment with the outcome. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Brandy, how are you feeling about your chances in the case?

At this point, I'm not feeling really good, but I have expressed that this would fall to me to celebrate it. So I don't know if you would. I don't know. I'm feeling it's OK. It's 10 percent chance I might win. That's it. Wow. Pessimistic. Greg, how do you feel? I'm really worried about a compromise solution. But if there is a compromise, I hope it will be September 22nd. solution, but if there is a compromise, I hope it will be September 22nd. Just a real cut the baby in half situation. Maybe that was my plan all along. You cut the baby in half, you end up with two hobbits.

We'll see what Judge Hodgman has to say about all this when we come back in just a moment. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R.

Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try Okay If you need a laugh and you're on the go Call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I It'll never fit No, it will

Let me try If you need a laugh and you're on the go Try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O We are so close Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, we're taking a break from the case.

Let's talk about what we've got going on. What's going on with you? Well, as you know, Dicktown, the cartoon I co-created with David Reese, is on Hulu right now. If you haven't had a chance to check it out, it would make me very happy if you did. It's for adults. It's got some swear words in it, but it's got a lot of heart and it's very enjoyable, I think. But I also have something to announce that is exciting.

Please mark your calendars December 17th. Make your way, if you can, to Montague, Massachusetts, specifically the village of Turner's Falls to the Shea Theater, where I, your Judge John Hodgman, will be joining Monty Belmonte for a little friendly holiday spectacular. Yep, I'm going back to the Shea Theater. We did this in 2019 and we had a heck of a time. We sang some songs, we told some stories, we had some fun and wassailed together in anticipation of the winter holidays. We're some songs. We told some stories. We had some fun and wassailed together in anticipation of the winter holidays. We're doing it again this December 17th at the Shea Theater in Turner's Falls. Will I be joined by guests? Yes. Are they surprise guests? No, I'm telling you now.

Guess who's coming? Jonathan Colton. That's right. My friend and your friend and also your friend and guest bailiff, Jean Gray. We're all going to road trip up to Turner's Falls to go to the Shea Theater. We're doing it as a benefit for the theater because it's a wonderful community theater that needs a lot of community support. And I would love for the Judge John Hodgman community to come out and support us. Perry Von Vicious, amateur, well, actually semi-pro wrestler. If you're listening, I met you at the Shea a long time ago. I enjoy following you on social media. Come on out, Perry Von Vicious, and let me know if you're coming.

Direct message me on Twitter because I'd love to connect with you. I really enjoy your wrestling style. So if you're interested and you have December 17th free, go to sheatheater.org. That's S-H-E-A-T-H-E-A-T-E-R.org. Or just Google Shea, S-H-E-A-T-H-E-A-T-E-R.org. Or just Google Shea, S-H-E-A, Theater, Turner's Falls, and you'll find a link to a website there where you can get tickets. See you then. Jesse, what have you got going on? If anybody's in Southern California, on Saturday the 29th, Horacio, the Put This On Shop guy and I are doing an in-person Put This On sale at the South Pasadena

Vintage Flea. So head down to South Pasadena Vintage in South Pasadena, California, the afternoon of Saturday, October 29th. Come say hi to us and buy something for the holidays or for yourself or for a birthday, whenever that birthday may fall. Or for any semi-pro wrestlers you might know. Great news, Colt Cabana. You're getting gifts in the mail from people that come to South Pasadena Vintage. And of course, you can go to PutThisOnShop.com. If you don't live in Southern California, we've got all kinds of treasures there waiting. Let's get back to the case.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom and presents his verdict. Greg. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday, dear Greg. Happy birthday, dear Greg. Sorry, Brandy, but today's Greg's birthday from now on with certain conditions. Don't celebrate yet.

Don't dig deep into that bag of licorice yet, Greg, because you got some stuff to learn about birthdays, Greg. I don't know why you want to change your birthday. It seems to me like you don't either. Maybe learn about birthdays, Greg. I don't know why you want to change your birthday. It seems to me like you don't either. Maybe it's just about heat. I don't know. You're you. But I think that it's fine to postpone your birthday. Are there someone in my life who was born right in the middle of the holidays and whose birthday always got ignored and rescheduled it for the middle of the following year and has done so for years and years and years and years. Who cares? It's fine. It's fine. And for some reason you have this fixation upon October 17th that even is beyond your fixation with Bilbo and Frodo Baggins' birthdays, which would have been a thing that's like, oh, well, of course, like that makes sense. You want to celebrate on

their birthdays, but no, the obsession that I can't pin down with October 17th, in which we refuse to pin down other than talking about humidity, is with October 17th. And I think that it is reasonable that the people in your life, including Brandy, take it seriously that you want to do this. But you also have to take it seriously, Greg. If you want to make this change, I don't want to crush your dreams into ashes. If you want to make this change in your life, you can't be

passive. You have to be active. You can't be afraid of people saying no. You have to say to them, Randy, older son, younger son, mom, dad, siblings, everyone on the group chat. I would like to celebrate my birthday on October 17th. And here's how we're going to do it. Because what do hobbits do on their birthday, Greg? This is how I knew I was going to find in your favor. Greg, what do hobbits do on their birthday? They give presents to everybody else.

They give presents to everybody else. If you had only ever seen the movies and had not read the book, it might not have become clear that the Hobbit tradition is that the person who is having the birthday gives the party and gives presents to the people they love in order to express their love and thanks for them being in their lives. I think this is a really wonderful tradition. thanks for them being in their lives. I think this is a really wonderful tradition. And indeed, if you are going to celebrate a Hobbit-y birthday, you have to throw yourself a party, Greg, and throw a party for everybody else. Now, does that mean you have to get presents for everybody else? Not necessarily. But you do have to acknowledge that you are asking a big thing and a somewhat atypical thing of everyone around you who loves you. And you have to throw yourself the party and show your appreciation to them for going along with this weird scheme.

People's birthdays mean different things. Now, I wanted to rule that you actually have to celebrate your birthday on the 22nd to keep in line with the Lord of the Rings theme. But I think that's too close to your younger son's birthday. For whatever reason, October 17th is the number. You have to honor it. And you have to honor yourself. And more importantly, you have to honor your wishes. Don't just say, let's just put it off. Like when Brandy's like, what are we going to do for your birthday? I don't want to talk about it. Let's just put it off. Let's just, nah, I don't want to do this. Nah, I don't want to do that. It's first of all, already unfair.

If you want to have a birthday that you're counting on Brandy to curate it for you in August, it's doubly unfair. If you want the world and time and the universe to change and resituate your birthday in October without you putting in not only the effort of throwing the party, but also the acknowledgement of your own self and your own desires that you might not really feel comfortable with enough to send it out into the group chat. But that's what you have to do if this thing's going to work. And there have to be presents. I'm going to say, I think you should give Brandy a present every year for your birthday, for sure, in the Hobbit style. Whatever she might choose to give to you, you should give one to her as perpetual thanks for indulging this atypical desire.

But one that is worth honoring. It's fine. It's fine. Something nice to give to her and don't give her a pack of Uno cards or an X-Wing or something that your children can enjoy. And Brandy, I'm throwing a little stuff at you here too, because birthday presents don't have to be expensive and they don't have to be glamorous, but they do have to be for the person you're giving it to like throwing a pack of uno cards because the kids will like it at greg doesn't really show greg that he's loved or thought of so much it's like well you know you're talking about your kid giving you an x-wing fight like when my dad turned 40 and i was in my teens which i don't i don't like to think about that math at all but i was in my teens my gift to my't, I don't like to think about that math at all, but I was in my

teens. My gift to my dad was an Infocom adventure game for our Macintosh computer. I'm like, you might enjoy this. It's got a, it's a, it's an adventure game, but you can use more than two words for each command. It was like, go upstairs. And I didn't, I opened up that thing and I played the witness for the rest of the night with my friend Damon. Maybe if it wasn't for my dad, the gift was for me. You got to give a presence for the people that you're giving presents to in your life, not for yourself. What I learned from Lord of the Rings was that birthdays, as embarrassing as they can be, as an indulgent as they can be, as particularly as you get older, as sort of unpleasant as they can be, you know, you have to honor them in some way. You have to choose how you

want to honor this milestone. And one really good way I think is rather than accept gifts and attention is to show generosity to other people. So you want to have this October 17th birthday, you should have been planning weeks ago for what you were going to do tonight. Invite your best friends and go bowling. I don't know. Get Brandy and the kids together and go to a movie or make a big pot of vegetarian chili or carnivore chili or whatever you eat. I don't know why I said chili.

I was thinking about chili this morning. It has nothing to do with you. I'm sorry, Brandy and Greg. I just really want some chili. It's a great stew. It's a really great stew. I'm really hungry for chili. So is it too late to celebrate tonight? I'm going to say yes, Greg. I'm going to say you

don't have time to plan for your birthday tonight, especially since you already got a pack of Uno cards back in August. Sorry, I'm being a little cruel here because I want you to take this seriously. You're asking other people to take it seriously. I want you to take it seriously as well. Tonight, you can celebrate this ruling and I'll give you this certificate, I guess. Next August, when your technical birthday rolls around, if Brandy wants to give you a bag of licorice, and by the way, give a person a bag of licorice if they ask for it. Or a box of licorice if you're buying the good stuff panda from the natural food store. Or the good boxed licorice. Brandy wants to throw you a box of

licorice on your actual birthday. That's fine. But meanwhile, you'll be planning for October 17th, 2023, Greg's birthday observed. And it doesn't have to be huge. It doesn't have to be expensive. But you're going to get Brandy a really nice present. And you're going to have a party that you plan and organize yourself to show your friends and your family that you care about them. And then a week or two after that, you and Brandy are going to go on vacation for your anniversary and it's going to be terrific. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Brandy, how do you feel? Brandy, how do you feel? I feel like I lost in one at the same time. But I should also point out that it wasn't brought up, but Greg's always so generous to me already on my birthday, and I was trying to be special towards him. So I think this is a really great ruling for me to recognize that I can listen to Greg and get him his licorice on his birthday and let him throw a party on his own special day, October 17th.

You always try and be generous to him on his birthday by defying his wishes. Yeah. I promise you I want to, I like him. I really do. I want to treat him right. Greg, how are you feeling? I'm feeling great. This is the best thing that's ever happened to me since I was born. Greg, how do you feel about the fact that Brandy thinks this is both a win and a loss and thus is a compromise? Oh, I'm just glad she's going to get me a bag of licorice. Greg, Brandy, thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Another Judge John Hodgman case in the books. That's a great case. You know, there's precedent for changing your birthday,

Judge Hodgman. Is there? Yeah. The original birthday change is the Christ child. No historical evidence that he was actually born on December 25th. I think a lot of historical biblical scholars think that they changed his birthday to December 25th because early Christians wanted it to coincide with Ricky Henderson's birthday. I thought it was to goose the Roman economy. Yeah, either way. They wanted it to be on a Monday so people could have a three-day weekend. Before we dispense swift justice, we want to thank Twitter user at Benjamin R for naming this week's episode.

You know who that is? That's Ben Harrison from Greatest Trek. Birthdabious Corpus. So complicated. If you want to name a future episode, follow us on Twitter for naming opportunities. It doesn't just apply to MaxFun hosts, but like, I don't know, Hal Lublin. Let's see what you got. Bring the heat, Hal.

How come you're never one of these? J. Keith Van Straten and Helen Hong. What are you doing? Ben Harrison got one in there. Yeah, Dan McCoy was a runner up last time. Let's hear it. Yeah, this is basically all Dan McCoy's Twitter feed is. Half-hearted puns. While you're on Twitter, you can follow us at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman. You can hashtag

your Judge John Hodgman related tweets, hashtag JJHO. And you can chat about this episode on Reddit at MaximumFun.reddit.com. Evidence and photos from our show are on our Instagram account, which is at instagram.com slash judgejohnhodgman. You can follow us there if you are an Instagram user. You can also find them on our website at maximumfund.org. This episode recorded by Rowan Stigner at Audio Inn in Salt Lake City, Utah. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Our editor is Valerie Moffitt. Here's Swift Justice, where we answer small disputes with quick judgment.

Twitter user at Cephas Cornelis asks, Cephas Cornelis? Which way do you put your mugs and glasses in the cabinet? Rimside up or down? Is it different for stemware versus mugs versus drinking glasses? I always put it rimside up because you know what? Put them in the cupboard, get them out, you pour your cup of coffee. You're not going to have any dust settling in there in the glasses. We keep them on a shelf and we go through them fast enough that there's never any dust settling in there. And glasses. We keep them on a shelf and we go through them fast enough that there's never any dust settling in there. And I don't want to chip the rims by putting them down.

You know what I wish I had though, Jesse? What's that? You know what they have in those fern bars where they have the wine glasses that hang upside down? Oh yeah. But yeah, you asked me a question, Cephas Cornelis. I put my mugs and glasses rim side up and I do that because I think it's right. So I'm the judge. So there you go. Hey, thank you for sending in all of your suggestions for lighter than air powered vehicle themed songs. It's been, I've got, I've gotten many, many cool songs that I am listening to, but of

course I am not going to judge which is the best in the universe. You are, we're going to get a voting bracket together until we have two songs going head to head. Will emperor of the clouds be the best lighter than airship vehicle theme song as one of our listeners contends, or we'll get beaten by one of the many contenders that you suggested. Keep your ears peeled. We'll let you know how to vote on that poll as soon as I know how to set it

up. In the meantime, we need your disputes. What kind of disputes are we looking for, Jesse? All kinds? I think yes. Big, small, we judge them all. Go to maximumfund.org slash JJHO and submit them to us. And you know what? How about put out a few tendrils? I say, get on your favorite group chat and say, who has a problem with me? Wow. With a link to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. Wow. Stretch a little. You know they got beef.

Who has a problem with me? I don't even have to ask that question. I'll get your letters anyway. So why don't you see what it feels like to be me for a moment and write a letter, write a note to your group chat. Who has a problem with me? What did I do wrong this time? Yeah. Then you have to include the link, MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. That's where you submit your disputes, which we need to make the show run. That's where you submit your disputes, which we need to make the show run. That's where you submit your comments to me. I get them in my inbox. That's where you submit your lighter than air vehicle themed songs. If you think that I've already heard the one that you're going to suggest, send it in anyway. I'm loving it. Maximumfund.org slash JJHO.

We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. slash JJHO. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.