Judge John Hodgman - Coast Mortem

Episode Date: August 29, 2013

A couple is split beween two coasts! Dan wants to move back to his home turf of Western Massachusetts, Jen wants to move to sunny LA. Guest bailiffed by Monte Belmonte!

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm your guest bailiff, Monty Belmonte from 93.9 The River in western Massachusetts, Northampton. This week, Coast Mortem. Dan and Jen have a bi-coastal dispute. They currently live in San Francisco, California, but are ready for a move. Dan wants to return to their home state of Massachusetts to experience the seasons. But Jen says she's too used to California weather and thinks L.A. is the better option for them both.

Are they right to leave the left coast, or shall the right be left behind? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. Ah! Ah! Ah! Klaxon! Klaxon! Klaxon! Ah! Ah! Ah! This is the emergency summary judgment system. This is not a test.

John Hodgman has been unable to come up with a cultural reference for this week's summary judgment. As such, you will now hear from Bailiff Jesse Thorne with an emergency cultural reference. You will hear Bailiff Jesse Thorne's voice after the third klaxon to follow. Klaxon, klaxon, klaxon. As Bob always says, what do you say, Bob? It's all illusory.

It's ill, and it's for losers. No, that wasn't it. You know that stuff about no yesterday and no tomorrow? All you got is this actual now-ness. The past is gone, and as for the future... Yeah, no guarantees, my little pork pie. It's a dog-eat-dog world, and there's not enough dog to go around. So you look after number what, see? Get my drift? This has been a broadcast of the Emergency Summary Judgment System.

This concludes the emergency. We now return you to your regularly scheduled fake justice podcast featuring guest bailiff Monty Belmonte. Monty Belmonte Swear them in Dan After the third Klaxon Okay Klaxon Klaxon

Klaxon Dan You raise your right hand To symbolize Massachusetts And hold your arm out Like it's Cape Cod And Jen Please sort of

Dangle your left arm down Like it's the Pacific coastline Do you swear to tell the truth The the whole truth and nothing but the truth? So help you God or whatever. I do. I do. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, even if that means no more sipping Cristo with some freaks from Frisco?

I do. Thank you. Judge Hodgman, you may proceed. Thank you very much, guest bailiff Monty Belmonte. It's nice to be with you here in western Massachusetts. It is nice. Dan and Jen, for an immediate summary judgment in your favor, can you name the movie that bailiff Jesse Thorne was quoting in that emergency summary judgment broadcast? I'm sure you're kicking yourself because you couldn't name those quotes

that you just heard? This is Bailiff Jesse Thorne's favorite movie. You want to take a stab at it? You want to take a guess? Jen? No idea. Dan, you say no. Jen, just throw one out there.

This is real, Jen. This is where it gets real. I'm sorry. I'm drawing a blank. It was Babe 2, Pig in the City. Can't believe you didn't get that, guys. So, Dan and Jen, you currently live in San Francisco. Do you live in San Francisco or in the Bay Area?

And you claim to live in San Francisco. We're two blocks from San Francisco? Do you live in San Francisco or in the Bay Area and you claim to live in San Francisco? Daily City. We're two blocks from San Francisco. We're on Mission Street in Daily City. In Daily City? Two blocks from the line. What's Daily City like? Foggy. Foggy? Very foggy. Very foggy. I see.

On the one clear day a year, we can see the ocean. And the Farallon Islands. It's a beautiful view. And Dan, you are from Western Massachusetts, where Monty and I are at this very moment from the studios of WRSI The River. We both are, in fact. Oh, you're both from? I grew up in Warwick. In Warwick. I've never been there, Mon fact. Oh, you're both from? I grew up in Warwick.

In Warwick. I've never been there, Monty. Have you? Through there, but never spent much time there. Just like everyone else. How did you go through Warwick? Who knows? Oh, Monty Belmonte has traveled through all of the counties and towns.

All of the hill towns of... Isn't Warwick right on the Mass Bike? Franklin, Hampshire, and Berkshire County. I thought Warwick was on the Pike. No, it's not on anything. Oh, all right. No. Way up north.

Maybe then I'd been by the exit that you would go to to get to Warwick. I'm going to look up Warwick. And Dan, where are you from? I'm from Gill. Ah, now Gill we both know very well. And spent quite a bit of time the booming metropolis of Gill you know what I will happily

buzz market the Wagon Wheel restaurant in Gill Massachusetts it was a wonderful family establishment plus up in Gill a great farm strawberry picket you don't want to buzz market now they are my enemies. Okay.

I've never heard of that place. What is it? It's a great farm. What's it called? Cliff Hatch and Uppingill Farm. You can pick your own strawberries. They have great milk that they're making right there. No American wants to pick his own strawberries.

That's a little provocative to say in Western Massachusetts, isn't it? I almost made something insensitive about jobs in this country, but I decided the better. Yeah, no kidding. That's because we currently live full-time and part-time, respectively, here in Western Massachusetts, a beautiful part of the world, where you can pick your own strawberries and enjoy wonderful local produce

and family businesses like the Wagon Wheel restaurant, while also attempting to breathe under the suffocating blanket of political correctness. Yeah, see? Now, how different is that from San Francisco, I ask you? Not at all. Except you probably can't pick 43 pounds of strawberries there. No, they have people doing that for them in California. We could if we went down to Gilroy or garlic or artichokes or...

Wait, are those things you pick or towns in Northern California? Gilroy is a town in Northern California. We're pretty close to farm country. We can go pick stuff if we were so inclined. That's the berry and choke basket of California? The berry garlic and choke basket of Northern California is good old Gilroy. Berry, garlic, and choke? Is that how to kill vampires?

So when did you guys leave this area for what is arguably a major city in the United States compared to Northampton? I moved out here in 1991. Oh, a long time ago. Yes. And I moved back to Massachusetts in 2006, met Dan again in 2007, and then he got a job out here in 2008. So I was coming back to this area. He had never lived out here before. And the dispute is you are tired of living in Daly City, lovely as it is. And you are thinking about moving to another part of the country. And the top two contenders are Dan's preference, Western Massachusetts, and Jen's preference, anywhere but Western Massachusetts. But probably Los Angeles.

Which is basically the anti-Western Massachusetts. We took a trip back, and I missed it. You know, I mean, we were there for a week or so, and it was nice, and I kind of missed it and kind of got thinking about moving back. Well, which week were you here? It was the week before Memorial Day. Oh, we'll see.

That was the nice week. It was raining the entire time. Is that what you missed? Yeah, I missed the season, quite honestly. I missed the snow. I mean, yeah, it's miserable in the summer and the snow i miss i mean yeah it's miserable in the summer and the snow can sometimes be a little bit of a pain but it's pretty but see this this is the thing that this is the thing that you misunderstand and a lot of massachusettsians

also misunderstand this you think that you miss the seasons. Uh-oh. Until you're experiencing them. Well, there's that. But what you're nostalgic for as a Massachusettsian is not the experience, the various torturous experiences of the different seasons. What all Massachusettsians are nostalgic for is misery. Massachusetts is a state, or I should say commonwealth, full of miserable people who endure hardship four seasons out of the year, all for one mythical weekend that is going to be nice.

And usually it's just either the Saturday afternoon for one mythical weekend that is going to be nice. And usually it's just either the Saturday afternoon or the Sunday morning, and then it gets horrible again. And you have moved to a place known as San Francisco slash Daly City metro area, which is like to a Massachusettsian, a weird Oz-like other world that is trapped in meteorological time never changes it is always the same profoundly the same a lot of people from other parts of

california disdain san francisco's sameness because it is not beautiful and sunny and warm all the time in fact it's consistently kind of cold and wet and sweater sweater weather sweater weather that is what a massachusettsian has been bred through years of meteorological pissing to think is nice weather and therefore you are stuck in this nice place all the time. Or what a Massachusettsian would consider to be nice all the time. And what's missing in your life is the misery of change. The transition from sweltering summer to immediately into spitting awful gray slush winter with nary a spring or autumn to speak of.

Except once every 19 years, there's one incredible leaf season that gets lodged in everyone's brain like shrapnel, and you think it's going to happen again, but it never does. And those leaves don't turn red and orange and beautiful again. They just turn muddy brown and then die. So that's my diagnosis of your problem. How wrong am I? Well, one thing I'll point out is that I've lived in San Francisco for long enough

that I actually do perceive a seasonal difference here. May I just presume that the reason that Dan isn't answering my question is because he is sobbing in a fetal position on the floor? I'm here. Very close to that. Very close to that. If you take sobbing in a fetal position on the floor as an internal baseline and then layer over it barnacles of aggression and spite, that would be the natural emotional state of a Massachusettsian. Am I not wrong, Dan? You are correct. And being a Massachusettsachusettsian i like to revel in the misery

so and i miss that misery i don't have that same kind of misery here right you miss misery yeah right okay uh and i think we could get plenty of misery down in L.A. for Dan. I think Dan would be perfectly happy in his misery in L.A., whereas I would actually have something to do and wouldn't feel like I was taking a step backwards. Given that Dan has stipulated that his primary motivation for wanting to move back to Western Massachusetts is nostalgia, and nostalgia itself

is the most toxic impulse because it is based on an illusion jen what positive benefits do you identify for a move to los angeles given that you apparently have grown tired of Daly City as well? Well, I think there's several advantages. A, we have friends down there, more friends, in fact, than we have here in San Francisco, that we have mutually here in San Francisco. So I think just our general quality of life and social experience would be greatly improved. One of those friends is a longtime resident, so he is very familiar with the environment and could teach us a lot about the area that we were moving to,

so it wouldn't be like we were just going somewhere cold. Also, there are a lot of work opportunities down there for me, both in the field I'm currently in and in fields I've done previously. So I think it would be very exciting and I'd have a chance to grow. What? Professionally. Let me interrupt you there. What what field are you currently working in? I am currently I work at a high end furniture store in the Mission in San Francisco, and I'm an interior designer. There's a lot of, there's a huge design center down there. There's a fairly large community of people who are making things in their garages, and they have rooms to have workshops. I also have some experience in audio-video production.

Oh, okay. And you also do snake handling and a little bit of light plumbing. What is it you want to do with your life? Are you going to be an interior designer? Are you going to work in a retail store? Are you going to work in AV? What is it you want to do? I really enjoy both of them.

I mean, probably the most realistic thing would be to either be in retail or into interior furniture design. Yeah, I don't care about what's realistic. I don't care about realistic. People don't move cities because they're being realistic, right? You move because of an ideal. You're chasing an opportunity. You're chasing a person. You're chasing a scene. You are escaping

the misery of Massachusetts. Well, in addition to escaping the misery of Massachusetts, I'm chasing an overall quality of life. My current occupation is really only half of my job description. My other job description is making sure Dan stays alive. All right. He works a lot. He has a very high-pressure job,

and I do all of the household maintenance, cooking, shopping, everything. Yeah. So, you know, I basically have two part-time jobs, and I feel that our quality of life would just be overall improved by the enhanced social opportunities that are down there, by entertainment experiences that are more kind of our vibe these days. And so I'm chasing a quality of life that has more to do with what I have to do. What is Dan's high-pressure job?

I run a video conferencing network. Okay. And this is the job that brought you to the Bay Area originally? It is. Is this a job that you could do in Western Massachusetts, say via video conference? Exactly. I actually largely work out of my house right now anyway, even though our office is only 45

minutes away. You video conference into work? I do. You telecommute in to the city that you live in. My employees are actually all around the country, so we have calls with them all the time

from all over the place. And you could do, obviously, you could do the same work in L.A.? Yes. You could do the same work anywhere? Anywhere, yeah. But it would be easier for him to come back up to Silicon Valley for meetings if we were still in California. If we're in Massachusetts, him coming up for to meet with his partner

or anything like that is going to be significantly more difficult. Well, it sounds to me like Jen's making a lot of good arguments. Dan, why Western Massachusetts? Now that you understand that answering simply

that you miss it is a terrible answer because nostalgia is an illusion. Things were not better then. In fact, they were probably worse. What are some concrete positive factors and arguments for bringing your family back to Western Massachusetts? And Monty, as a full-time resident here and someone who's been making notes furiously, as I trashed a part of the world I deeply love, you may act as advocate if you find that Dan is just video conferencing his arguments in, as it were. Will do. Go ahead, Dan. This is your chance.

I think that Western Mass, despite the weather, is a beautiful place to live. And much like Jen's argument, I think the quality of life there and the cost of life there is, you know, the cost of living is much, much lower than it is here. The quality of life is excellent. And same arguments about friends. You know, I lived in downtown Northampton for, I don't know, 15 years or something like that. I love Northampton. There's great places to eat. There's great places to eat. There's great places to drink.

It's a cute old town. It's not too metropolis like a city, but it's still a bit more urban than the country country, say Gill or Burniston. Whoa, whoa. Why do you got to be thesising all over bernardson they now have kringle candle well but you know something even though even though you are a buzz marketing for a company that advertises on your radio station rarely monty belmonti well now they are they are now they ought to they ought to. When was the last time you lived in western Massachusetts, Jen? 1991? No, I lived in Warwick for a year and a half when I moved back in 2006.

And then I lived with Dan in downtown Northampton for nine months, maybe a year, before we moved out here. So surely you should have noticed the dramatic change in the cultural, economic, gastronomic landscape that is now Western Massachusetts. Oh, no, I'm not. I'm not saying that. There's a lot more going on here. I'm not saying that there aren't saying that it isn't a wonderful place. I'm just saying it's not the right place for us right now. It's pretty much, Northampton is pretty much the daily city of Massachusetts. We should never have admitted that that's where we live. I don't even know what that means.

No, I mean, it's lovely. And I'm glad that I have family there that I can visit. And it was an interesting place to grow up. But it just, there's very few opportunities for me, even if, you know, in any of the things that I have experienced doing. I can think of a high-end furniture store right in downtown Northampton. No more cameos from your advertisers. I know of the shop at which you speak

and I actually applied for a job there when I was living with Dan in Northampton and it's the same two people that have worked there for the last 25 years. What if I do a little arm twisting for you? You got Monty Belmonte, voice of Northampton, the best

of the West right here. And you mentioned entertainment experiences in LA. What if I give you carte blanche to go to all of our fine venues here via the guest pass that we get through the radio station to go to any of the shows? Nick Lowe will be here tomorrow night. Well, easy, easy there. Who do you like? If you like metal, this is not your town.

Maybe stick in L.A. Let me just stop and say that however I rule, it is not a ruling on the intrinsic merit of Northampton, the five college area, Hampshire and Franklin counties, or Western Massachusetts in general, because this is, despite everything I said before, an amazing place to live, work and raise a family. Right, Dan?

See, I'm going to make your argument for you now since you're too lazy to do it. That's why you belong in Western Massachusetts. You're lazy. Yes, you are correct. It's a place where lazy people can live and can be artistic and can be engaged in the world without having to pay too much money and work all the time. Northampton itself is a cultural hub. There's amazing music and comedy passes through here.

You heard about Nick Lowe. Who else you got coming up there? Elvis Costello. Elvis Costello in November. The Green River Festival. Just passed by. In green every summer. Gogo Bordello, Brandi Carlyle. Yeah. The list is in the studio somewhere. It's a huge

music town. It's a huge food area. Nothing has pleased me more in the... I've been coming here since, well, probably since about 1981, but since I've been coming here as an adult since 1991 in the awakening that the connecticut valley region has uh has come to with regard to its amazing agricultural bounty here so there's a huge there's a huge uh food

movement here which is not not like williamsburg where the foodism is just to to to make people like me with mustaches and glasses feel better about themselves this is a a food movement that is based in the ground where local uh local economies are being shifted dramatically upward because of uh of the quality of food and the quality of farming that's going on here. It's three hours drive from New York City, which is actually a major city, unlike Los Angeles. Or Daly City. Yeah. Where a lot of interesting stuff and job opportunities happen. And a lot of tech meetings occur as well.

That's called Silicon All i believe uh and a two-hour drive from from uh from boston massachusetts which is the capital of boston so and and and about a about a six and a half hour drive to the southbound service plaza in Kennebunkport, Maine, where you can get fresh bananas here. Well, that tears it. Yeah. Is there anything else, Dan, since you were too, since you were too, frankly, lazy and already in the Western Massachusetts mindset of sort of uh casual uh uh self um i can't i can't i don't

have words anymore this is what happens when you when you live in western massachusetts to stop speaking english you're casual you're too much in the mindset of of the western massachusetts uh uh sort of uh zeitgeist relaxed relaxed casual relaxed casual complacency that you could even make an argument for yourself. So I made it for you. Where was I wrong in that argument? So something I would add to that you ask is like other things that are specific to us. I mean, if we're going to move somewhere, you know, every place is unique and has many wonderful things about it. I'm sure LA is wonderful. I don't hate it as much as I thought I would having visited there several times. Uh, nothing against

LA, but you know, it's not actually that bad of a place. Um, but, um, Western Mass, I, having grown up there really connect with the sort of country drives up in the hills. And I prefer lakes over oceans. Like I'm not much of an ocean person and i much prefer lakes and cabins and mountains and trees that is where you and i diverge rather rather violently you could but it is a positive aspect this is where i this is where i where i where i diverge from you and go over and look at a beautiful ocean and you go and drive your car into a lake lakes are the lakes lakes are a disgusting disgusting cesspools full of fish poop he doesn't go in them of stagnant water you put on the edge and looks at them.

Of stagnant water you put on your goggles. You look at the bottom of the lake, all you see, the bottom of the lake is the bottom of every lake is the same. It's just this Lovecraftian hellscape. Like moss and freshwater clams and weird sunken cities.

It's bleh. Okay. But on a boat. Forget it. You're moving to cities. Okay. But on a boat. Forget it. You're moving to LA. Goodbye. I can't abide by that. By a lake lover on my podcast. Are you showing

a little of your personal bias, though not necessarily what's best for us? Let's leave the leg thing aside. How is moving to Western Massachusetts going to be better for both of you and for Jen? Because Jen is saving your life every day, apparently. You can't feed, clothe, or protect yourself because you're in a constant state of massachusettsian fetal sobbing so but she so and she was the one who said you know if we move to la uh dan could fly up for meetings all the time uh and that's a that that's true

that's a that's a benefit to you so what what would be a benefit to Jen of moving back to Western Massachusetts? She has friends and family there, too. Yeah, but she left them behind for a reason. Didn't you, Jen? I'm glad you said it and I didn't. Right. Jen, you send in some evidence. I have family back there. Most of my friends, my childhood and college friends, live in other places. You know, aren't back there.

Dan, when I moved back in 2006, Dan was one of the few people that I still knew in the area. And financially speaking, is it that much of a difference? You submitted some evidence, Jen, that wanted to convince me that the cost of an apartment in Northampton, Massachusetts, was the same, if not more, than the cost of an apartment in Los Angeles, California. Not necessarily more. I mean, there are places that are less expensive, but it's not so much less expensive that I could I would be spared having to have a have a job. But California, it is right. And also, is that a concern? Is that would you like to would you like to not be employed? No, I would like I would. Would you like to not be employed?

No, I would like to. You're listening to Judge John Hodgman. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. Of course, the Judge John Hodgman podcast always brought to you by you, the members of MaximumFun.org. Thanks to everybody who's gone to MaximumFun.org slash join. And you can join them by going to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft.

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Let's hear the sound. Yep, that's the sound of you learning a new language with Babbel. We're talking about quick 10-minute lessons crafted by over 200 language experts that can help you start speaking a new language in as little as one, two, three weeks. Let's hear that sound. Babbel's tips and tools are approachable, accessible, rooted in real life situations, and delivered with conversation-based teaching. So you're ready to practice what you've learned in the real world, and you get to hear the sound. It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that

actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. I like to be employed. I think being an interior designer and someone who likes to tinker and build with things, if I didn't have a job, I would just be changing the curtains all the time and driving both of us crazy rearranging our furniture. And so I think having an outside occupation is healthy.

What things do you tinker and work with? Well, I used to work at a furniture store where I would have access to broken components and I would reassemble elements. Stop using words I don't understand. Be specific. Specificity is a soul narrative. What things do you like to tinker and work with? What do you, if you had a garage in Los Angeles and a workshop, what would you, what would you build or rebuild?

A chair? Egg chair. Egg chair. I would love to rebuild. I would love to rebuild an egg chair. Yes. Reupholstering an egg chair would be fantastic. I like to rewire lamps.

I like to build bookshelves i like to all right here we go design media stands and closet organization so i like to do kitchen design the judge also pointed out that uh the pioneer valley has become quite a cultural and artistic hub there's a lot of design but not compared to los angeles wait a minute wait a minute it's it's right up there with la now i think it might even have surpassed la well certainly there's a big movie industry here what movies have shot in northampton recently the judge starring robert duvall and robert downey jr which one is that what is that about it's about a judge who is accused of murdering his wife, played by Robert Duvall, the judge,

and his son, Robert Downey Jr., comes back to find out the truth. I'm just glad it's not about this podcast or else I would be suing someone. And then also, what else was shot here? Labor Day with Josh Brolin, shot here last year. That also hasn't been released, but may be released this Labor Day. Scenes from Malice starring Alec Baldwin and Nicole Kidman.

Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf was shot right down the street. Yeah. This is Hollywood 2. Four home movies in 50 years. Cider House Rules. Where do you want to live in Los Angeles, Jen? Probably the Santa Monica You know, sort of west side area

You know, again, because Dan works from home We would have a lot of flexibility In terms of where we could find I would just like to find somewhere that was, you know, not too far inland, you know, perhaps an apartment complex that had a pool. That would be lovely, given that it actually does get warm enough down there that you can go outside. And climate is very important to you? And climate is very important to you?

Well, I did initially leave New England in 1991, primarily to escape winter. I should confess that I wasn't fully aware of what the climate in San Francisco was going to be, that it wasn't actually like the rest of California. But once I got here, I found other things to like, and I just sort of stuck. That said, you know, when I moved back in 2006, winter is really hard if you're not used to it. And summer can be really exhausting as well. It gets very hot. If we weren't in the actual sort of city center of Northampton, there's things like ticks and mosquitoes and Lyme disease and just all sorts of awful critters out there. It's not that bad.

It is that bad. We just had two horses die in Belter Town from eastern equine encephalitis. My parents have to do a tick check on each other every time they come in the house. But it's like romantic period of the evening. Is eastern equine encephalitis also advertising on WRSI now? No, we're advertising against eastern equine encephalitis. Tripoli. Yeah, I think you have, you know, you have, you know, you have in California, in Los Angeles, you have snakes, poisonous lizards.

Earthquakes. Earthquakes. More people die on snowy roads every year than have died in earthquakes in the last 40. We're just talking about wildlife here. First of all, I don't know if you have snakes or poisonous lizards. Giant condors, well, they're endangered. But then they steal your baby? I don't know.

It's not like St. Patrick chased all the insects out of Los Angeles County. Do you know what I mean? Like, there's stuff going on there, too. I mean, we got ticks in West Nile and, you know, Sasquatch. No, we don't have Sasquatch. You have Sasquatch over there in Daly City. How long have you been living in Daly City again? Well, not in Daly City, but in the Bay Area for five years.

In Daly City for a year and a half, two years. Yeah, we were down in Silicon Valley for three years before this. Well, you guys just keep moving and moving why are you so restless we move five times in five years why that's not an answer to my question at all because because i enjoy misery again i i enjoy pain and all right and moving and moving is you know a good source of anxiety and why are you moving so often? Well, that was just because of every place that we found. There was children around that liked to scream and neighbors that liked to stomp around. We couldn't find an apartment that was quiet enough for us.

So we just kept trying until we found one that was quiet enough for us. I guess what I'm trying to determine, and now you want to leave that. I guess what I'm trying to determine is, are you capable of happiness or are you a true citizen of Massachusetts? I am capable of happiness. Yes, then you are a Massachusettsian. So, well, to your original point, too, about Jen and what I think she might like about it, she sort of said that I wasn't allowed to bring this up, but you know, rules are for breaking, right? One of the things that she has as a proposal in moving back East is that if we were to buy a house or build a house that would sort of solve two problems, it would give her the, the, the thing to do. And also, she's looking at me.

Deep sigh. I heard it. I think I might be in trouble. But if we were to move back east, it would give her a huge project of, say, building a house or renovating a house, which I think she would enjoy. And it would be an inexpensive enough place that we could afford to do it there, whereas doing something like that in L.A. would be prohibitively expensive. Was this something that Jen agreed to? Or was it sort of like, and you'll have a wonderful project, renovating our entire house.

You'll love it. It was her idea. Sadly, it was my idea. I came into this pretty much expecting to lose, given that I know your love of the area, and I knew that Monty was going to be here, and I know that L.A. is a very difficult place to defend. You know, and that there are, so here, I'm digging my own grave. There are financial advantages to moving back east. It really just is an emotional, like, feeling like I'm taking a step backwards and don't want to deal with winter thing.

an emotional, like, feel like I get taken a step backwards and don't want to deal with winter thing. But, you know, given that, I've been thinking about what sort of my consolation prize would be if I lose this and the opportunity to, you know, design and build a house that was right for us. You know, we don't have children. We, you know, we live a simple sort of small life in terms of material. How much, how much I was going to ask, you know, how much is finances an issue in general, but I'm going to get very specific here. How much money can you spend on buying a house? Do you understand what I'm saying?

What price tag feels right to you? I think a half million dollars. $500,000? That's a reasonable. You could live like a king here. So, Monty? Yes. My instinct is you could get a pretty nice house.

In Northampton. In Northampton or Amherst. Not even in Turner's Falls, where I live, or Gill, where I picked 43 pounds of strawberries, where Dan is from. There, you could own the entire Northfield-Mount Hermon campus. Yeah, real estate is pretty cheap in the area, but in Northampton or Amherst,

could you buy a house for half a million dollars? Certainly. How much house can you get? you can get a goodly amount of house and if you move just outside of northampton anywhere in the 350 000 range up you're great shape and that's for a house that's in good shape yes that might not need a lot of renovation right what if you were specifically looking for a piece of property that had some renovation potential? There's plenty of it. I know there are a lot of run-down houses around. Including mine.

For that price tag, you could still live like a king. You're right. You could probably do, if that's your budget, I'm not an expert in Los Angeles real estate other than what I see on reality television. But you could probably buy an apartment in Los Angeles. Two box apartment. Easy, Dan. Come on. I'm doing the work for you here. LA is pretty expensive though, right?

Are you asking me? I mean, I think, I think i think i think have you done have you done the research have you found the place where you want to live i mean this is why i was talking to you jen like i'm asking you where do you want to live in in la you know la is a big la is a big city it's a city of neighborhoods it's a it's a massive city of daily cities cities without the fog can you afford can you afford to live in santa monica which for i think we could i think we could we don't need a large space i mean we have a we have a two-bedroom apartment which is pretty much sufficient you know we don't have kids it's you know he he he doesn't leave so one car is fine for us.

And, you know, I could supplement our income by working. You know, so I definitely think we'd have a good quality of life down there. Would your work be chasing, would it be building and fabricating and restoring lamps in your own private workshop? That would probably require a larger space. I think there, you know, again, I'm pretty flexible in terms of what I could find to do. Would you have to supplement your income by working if you moved to Santa Monica? Most likely, yes. I think I've heard everything I need to hear. I'm going to go drive 40 minutes from Northampton to my own chambers here,

because one thing about both L.A. and Western Massachusetts is budget 40 minutes to drive anywhere. And I will render my decision when i come back please rise as judge john hodgman exits the courtroom jen we have heard a lot about what you don't like about western mass but not an awful lot about what you love about california other than it's not western mass and it's not terribly cold do you honestly love the west coast or Los Angeles or Santa Monica? I've never lived in Santa Monica, and I think it would be a fun place to try. I'm ready for something new. I am used to California in general. But not maybe as risky as moving back to where

you're from, where you know you could live like a king with a half a million dollar home. Right, Dan? Live like a king with a half a million dollar home. Right, Dan? Exactly. Dan, you could be like the Steve Jobs of western Massachusetts. You're running your own technological empire. You would be huge fish in an extremely tiny pond. That's how I get away with it, but without all the money.

There is a lot of tech industry in Massachusetts. There is, and now they have what is called the Knowledge Corridor. They're really trying to build up the road between Northampton and Holyoke and Springfield. And the trains are going to run from Greenfield to New York City starting next year. Well, let's take it easy. That is happening. It's happening. So it's becoming more. It's happening.

You'll be able to get on the John Oliver Intermodal Transportation Center. John Oliver bought. Not John Oliver from The Daily Show, but John Oliver, the representative from Massachusetts for many, many years. The Intermodal Transportation Center right at the end of Bank Row and Greenfield. Get on a train there to the Metro North. That's actually happening? Next year. I'm going to come see you like every weekend.

That's not a fever dream of Greenfieldians. Nope. It's happening. Then I ought to move to one of those towns. This is happening. It's happening now. Dan, do you... Is it the end of Bank Row? Bank Row and Greenfieldians? Nope. Then I ought to move to one of those towns. This is happening. It's happening now. Dan, do you... Bank Row and Greenfield, yeah.

The transportation center is already there, solar-powered. They're just waiting to hook the trains up within the next year. So you could be enjoying dinner at Magpie Restaurant or Hope and Olive, two of Greenfield's great new restaurants. Our advertisers are going to owe us so much money for this Judge John Hodgman podcast.

And then get on an Amtrak train and speed your way to New York City just on a lark. True, you guys are going for Hyperloop on the West Coast, but this is pretty close. I forgot I'm still in Chambers. Yes, right. Let's wrap it up and get me back in here.

All right. Well, we'll be back in just a moment with Judge John Hodgman's decision. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman reenters the court. So I want to be perfectly clear. I love Western Massachusetts. I am a person. I love Western Massachusetts for reasons of being a native Massachusettsian,

which is that I am convinced in every fiber of my soul that I don't deserve to be happy, and therefore can endure the torment that has literally rained upon me by the climate of not just Massachusetts, of course, but by the East Coast. Massachusetts, of course, but by the East Coast. East Coast people vacationed traditionally in the state of Maine, vacation land, which I have noted in written materials before, features beaches that are designed only to produce human pain in the temperature of the water and the jagged rockiness of the beaches. And that is reflected in the wonderful attitudes of the native New Englanders who have been putting the spite in hospitality since this great nation was born. It's a hard place to live, and only those who feel they deserve to live in a hard place are happy living here. It's a hard thing to describe it's the same thing as new york city for that matter new york city is a is a is a is the alt is is the opposite in that new york city is an exciting

terrifying um uh challenging place to live. And when you live there, much like Los Angeles and certainly like San Francisco, there is a high imperative culturally to convince yourself and others that no reasonable person would live anywhere else. And that is largely driven by the fact that you have gotten yourself into so much ridiculous debt to move there in the first place, you couldn't afford to leave if you wanted to. So psychologically, you convince yourself that you need to be in one of these major, major world cities, as it were.

as it were when the reality as i think dan has has come to see whether it's in western mass or another rural area or a less major metropolitan area life can be lived pretty sweetly outside of these major cities be the la san francisco new york do i move to a major economic and cultural center and a major population center for some kind of action? Or do I move to a quieter place where there's less action but more chance of financial? And, you know, look, Western Massachusetts is a wonderful place to live. You know, like, it's not just because you can buy a house here for cheap. It's a friendly place. It's a beautiful place. It's physically beautiful.

All the great things I've said about it are true. I don't want to just say that it's because it's Massachusetts that I'm here. It's intrinsically a wonderful place to live. And life can be lived better here um financially speaking surely uh than in la so what i've been trying to ferret out from you jen is what is driving you to la specifically that would counteract dan's nostalgic impulse to return home. And whether it's for nostalgia or otherwise, Dan makes a reasonable case.

You guys could live very happily without question in Western Massachusetts. What is it that makes Los Angeles not only preferable to you, but necessary? And to be honest, you haven't given me an answer. You're talking about professional incentives for three or four different professions that you, that you, sorry, you're talking about professional incentives when you seem to have three or four professions and you don't know which one is the main one that you want to do and you also seem to acknowledge that half of your profession is taking care of this weirdo who can't take care of himself not denied by dan either not not can't not can't doesn't have time to simply won't when when people when people say to me i want to get into comedy I'm like well can I do it from my hometown and I say

no you can't we have the internet and you can make a comedic video that might go viral but the reality is if you're working in the world of the arts you gotta go to where the scene is so that you are in proximity of the people who are doing what you want to do. And I think this must be true of any industry, really.

I just don't know anything about whatever, what the video conferencing scene is like in Daly City. I presume it's pretty hot. But it's like you want to be around the people who are doing the thing that you want to do. You want to be around them where they're doing it at a high level, a nationally or internationally recognized high level, so that you can make friends with the people who you admire and rip them off. And so that you can fight against the people that you hate, so that you can be spurred on by the people who are doing the work that you love and inspired by them. And so that you'll be forced to fight a little bit to make your thing. But I'm not sure that you know what your thing is, Jen. Or at least you haven't articulated to me clearly what your thing is.

And if your thing were set design or costume design, anything in the entertainment world, if it were comedy, if it were entertainment world if it were comedy if it were music if it were theater or galleries for that matter um then i would say yeah los angeles is pretty essential in your life and because you haven't been able to articulate your thing i find in favor of Jen. Whoa! What? Because here's the thing. Dan, I'm pretty confident, has found his thing.

It's making video conferencing. It's being taken care of by his wife. It's the kind of space, that kind of... Dan, are you happy? I yeah dan you're dan's happy everybody dan dan are you are you satisfied by your profession i am are you are you rewarded for it personally and financially i am do you love the your wife whom you're not married to yeah does she take good care of you? She does.

Yeah, well then obviously you should move to Western Massachusetts because you're basically in that mode of professional retirement where you can go anywhere and be happy and fulfilling a nostalgic dream to return to what is arguably not arguably, inarguably a beautiful part of the world

where happy people can be happy? Absolutely. But Jen, Jen isn't there yet. She's still seeking. Wouldn't you say that's true, Jen? I would say that's true. You've got something that you want to do. And the fact that you can't articulate to me what that is means you're still searching and that even though

western massachusetts and particularly northampton the five college area is truly a pretty a vibrant cultural center where you are you are would be in collision with a lot of creative and ambitious people and in proximity to two major world cities, one being the biggest city in the United States, it's still not going to have, A, the concentration of creative, ambitious people that Los Angeles has, and B, the sunshine that Los Angeles has, which I do think is important to you, and see the vast array of different kinds of things going on there that any major world city would have, where you might be able to find what it is that you want to do and do it,

and that you have to fight for because you're not financially comfortable in a major city ever. You're always financially uncomfortable. So your ambition is fueled by necessity. I'll also say, D, it's pretty far away from your family, which it seems like you're trying to get away from. Well, we're leaving that aside. And so the thing is that Western Massachusetts will always be there. That's one big difference between Western Massachusetts and anywhere in California.

We're inland. We're going to be around for a long time. And we may have an ocean soon enough out here. It's true. We might be close to the property very soon. No more of those links, Dan. might be close to the property very soon. No more of those links, Dan. And Dan's income is

such that unless one or both of you makes some catastrophic errors in your financial missteps, that that dream of buying a home in western Massachusetts will always

net you a pretty nice place. But that $500,000 dream isn't going to go away. It'll always be there. And the fact of the matter is you guys are restless. You guys are moving from place to place to place. Western Massachusetts is not a place where you go until you're ready to settle down. And I don't think Jen's ready to settle down. And I think for that reason, and I think for that reason alone, you go to a place where no one settles down.

Los Angeles, California. You've got to see what it's like there. You've got to see that city. You've got to see it in all of its weirdness and glory and misery and everything else. And when the time comes when you are ready to settle down, Jen, then and only then can you guys move to Oxford, Mississippi. A beautiful college town in the middle of nowhere, just like Northampton, but where it's always warm. Because I got to tell you, Dan, she is not moving back to the wintertime. That just spells failure to her very soul. You understand that, don't you? She'll never move back to winter. Yeah.

Come visit us in the summer. Western Massachusetts in the spring and the summer is a glorious thing. Yes, it is. This is the sound of a gavel. Judge John Hodgman rules that is all. Dan and Jen, I was sort of hoping that you were going to come live in Western Mass and we could hang out. I'd get you into all the shows in town here. I would tell you where Judge John Hodgman goes to have his coffee when he's in Western Mass so that you could spot him in his off hours. But it looks like you're going to L.A. And how do you feel, Dan, about having to stay on the left coast?

I'm obviously a little disappointed and surprised. I thought I had this one, but I guess a little humility. Why don't you guys just break up? It happens. You don't want to break up then? No, not over this one. Well, I do hope you enjoy your time on the West Coast. The judge didn't give us any alternative options.

I would have thought he was going to say, you know, not there. You throw something else. Well, he said Oxford, there, but you can throw something else in. Well, he said Oxford, Mississippi, because that sort of makes a difference. It's warm, yet it's rustic and ecology. There you go. That doesn't work for you, though, Dan. No. Yeah, well, we'll figure something out.

Well, as the judge said— Let me just say one more thing here, Dan, and this is some serious business. Unfortunately, a lot of western Massachusetts is still not wired for broadband. It was only recently that the town in which I live, which I referred to still as Internetless Hills, Massachusetts, actually got DSL. And it's through Verizon. And I'll call them out because it's not a buzz market. It don't work right. And it still doesn't.

And there's a movement afoot, which I think is an economically and culturally very important movement afoot in all of the United States and Western Massachusetts specifically to get broadband into rural areas. So let me just bring your attention to one last buzz marketing opportunity, wiredwest.net. Wiredwest.net, it tells you all about the efforts that are being made to hook up Western and other parts of rural Massachusetts with broadband and fiber optic cable. It's a regional issue, but it's also a national issue for all the reasons stated. And I hope folks will take a look at it. But Dan, when Jen is tired of the West Coast, you can just come to Northampton anytime.

We're ready. We're ready for your sort of Skype type thing. You big city folk in northampton and amherst you got you got all you get you got all the broadband you can get but i was trying to watch a i was trying to watch a trailer for peewee's big adventure last night on my tv two minutes two minutes of internet i could not would not run and i I supposedly have high speed. It is a big adventure. It is a big adventure. Well, thank you both for being on the Judge John Hodgman podcast.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie,

Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience, one you have no choice but to embrace, because, yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there?

Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-T-O-P-P-P-A-D-I. It'll never fit. No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-o-p-p-p-d-c-o-o

ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go All right, let's clear the docket. JP writes, My stomach doesn't agree with mushrooms in an embarrassing way that requires a restroom and anti-diarrheal medication. I feel I'm allergic to mushrooms since my body does not agree with them. This is also the case with truffles. A friend pointed out that since I don't get hives, require an EpiPen, or a trip to the hospital, I'm not technically allergic to mushrooms and should not say so to servers at a restaurant.

I think an allergy is any type of negative reaction in one's body to a food item. Who's right? Well, an allergy is not any type of negative reaction to a food item. You are wrong. Allergy is a very specific set of reactions that can be life-threatening and not just poop-making. That said, I don't have a problem with your using, I have an allergy to mushrooms as a universal shorthand for, I don't want mushrooms in my food or else I will have an adverse reaction involving bowel movement. And your friend should be on your side with this one, considering that you need to take anti-diarrheal medication if you come in contact with them. If they ever want to hang out with you when you've accidentally come into contact with mushrooms.

Yeah, exactly. And one thing you don't want to think about ever is diarrhea and mushrooms in the same sort of headspace. Because those are just not. Now I'm never going to eat mushrooms again either. Now I have an allergy to them. You might want to think of calling it a food sensitivity. Yeah, or I would, I really don't like mushrooms. Can you, can you direct me to a dish that doesn't have them? And has not touched any mushrooms unless you want a whole can of awful on you.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, to say it's an allergy, really what you're saying is that you cannot eat any foods that contain mushrooms or have been made in a factory that is involved in processing mushrooms, nor can you have flecks of mushrooms or mushroom oil. So that's not true. You just don't like... Mushrooms make you feel icky in your tummy just say i would prefer not to eat mushrooms or is there anything here that has mushrooms because

they make me sick that would be truthful but in a shorthand situation if the waiter is saying do you have any allergies or sensitivities which is pretty common just say yeah no mushrooms please that's fine or your lead-off, my stomach doesn't agree with mushrooms in an embarrassing way that requires a restroom and anti-diarrheal medication. No, don't say that. They're going to make sure you don't get mushrooms. I already got grossed out. Don't say that. Vince writes,

Your Honor, I need your help in resolving a dispute that I have with a co-worker, Joe. We both grew up in the 70s when there would be a Godzilla or a similar type movie on television every Saturday. Creature Double Featured, W56, WLVI. Watch those too. Massachusetts forever.

Massachusetts is awesome. We were hooked on these movies and they sparked a lifelong love of films from Japan. We agree that the original Japanese movie Gojira is a Japanese masterpiece and one of the greatest movies to come from Japan. We disagree on one issue. Joe thinks that since the Godzilla movies originated in Japan, that they should be considered foreign film. I conversely believe that they are campy monster movies showing two or more grown men in rubber suits destroying plywood buildings. They do not deserve the cachet that the term foreign film imparts.

Please help us resolve this critical issue. Well, I wouldn't say it's critical in any sense. Um, I don't know, Monty. What do you think? It's a Japanese monster flick. It's technically foreign. If you're going to try to sound all highfalutin like, I'm a fan of foreign films, and then they say,

which one? And you say, Godzilla? Nobody's gonna buy your pompous nature. That said, some of the best foreign films, I think some of the most artistically challenging and cinematically interesting and complex films coming from foreign lands are now often genre films. Like Hayao Miyazaki films, Studio Ghibli from Japan. studio ghibli from japan right is that a foreign film or is that a cartoon it's a little bit of both yeah but if i say to somebody i like foreign films i'm probably not going to pull miyazaki out of the quiver but i'm happy to say i really love miyazaki films and ghibli films from japan but you but you but you. But you look at the parkour films produced by Luc Besson in France.

You look at the horror films coming out of Taiwan and Japan and Thailand. You look at Battle Royale, one of the most challenging and interesting foreign films of all time. And that is essentially the prefigurement of The Hunger Games. It's a horribly violent genre film about teenagers who are forced to kill one another for part of a television show. So how long will it be before there is a kaiju film, which is the technical term for giant monster movies, that is as artistically challenging as any of those.

So you're saying you should go ahead and call them foreign films? Yeah. I don't care anymore. Summertime. Last show of the summer, everybody. You're going to take advantage of the beautiful weather in Massachusetts

Before it goes away Back to school I gotta go eat some corn I gotta get out of here and go to a farm stand And get some corn and tomatoes Thanks to Holly Ashworth for suggesting this week's case name Thanks Holly To suggest a name for a future case like us on Facebook We regularly put out a call for submissions

I've been your guest Bela from Western Massachusetts 93.9 The River, WRSI, which I hope that Jen's mom would eventually listen to and maybe begin advertising with again. I think so. Yeah, right. 93.9 The River. Thanks for joining us. That's Monty Belmonte, everybody. Thank you, Monty. My pleasure. For the Judge

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