Judge John Hodgman - Coke or Grain

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

It's time to clear the docket! Judge Hodgman and Bailiff Jesse talk about wedding gifts, computer voices, splitting burritos, the Godfather theme, plus an audio letter from a kid! And much more!If you want to remix litigant Jim's robot voice with a track from "Sports" by Huey Lewis and the News, here's the clip! LINKS DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE:RiYL: A weekly podcast where Brian Heater talks to cartoonists, artists, musicians, and other creatives!R. Michelson GalleriesThe Montague Bookmill's Lady Killigrew CafeWRSI the River, where you can find Monte Belmonte's show!Al Otro Lado: an organization that "provides holistic legal and humanitarian support to indigent refugees, deportees, and other migrants in the US and Tijuana through a multidisciplinary, client-centered, harm reduction-based practice."Episode 222: Eminent Toe-Main featuring Amy and Alexa who have just had a baby!Wine is Elegance by Vincent Price

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. We're in chambers this week clearing the docket. And with me is a man who just noticed there's some construction going on on the street outside his house. Judge John Hodgman. Here in Brooklyn, New York, it has been a quiet moment. It's lovely to see you, Jesse, there in Los Angeles. New York. It has been a quiet moment. It's lovely to see you, Jesse, there in Los Angeles and you,

producer Jennifer Marmer, there in Los Angeles using teleconference technology, which we have become oh so fond of the past year. But Jesse, I see you. You are in a professional setting, are you not? Yeah, I'm in the studios of MaximumFun.org in the American Cement Building, Los Angeles, California, overlooking beautiful MacArthur Park Lake. So that means there will be no cameos from Leafy the Leaf Blower. No. And what was the pile driver's name? I don't remember. But I think New York construction is a different breed.

I have a friend who's a professional podcaster named Brian Heater, host of the podcast R.I.Y.L., recommended if you like. And Brian is a New Yorker. He's had construction outside his window this entire pandemic time. And at one point, he posted a video shot out of the window that he faces when he's podcasting. And the construction is on this very narrow row house. And the construction was just one man throwing things out of a window, like a third story window. That's the definition of New York construction. Like 30% of a toilet out the window. Sure. When my wife, who was a whole human being in her own right, moved to New York, well, before I did, with our dear friend Christine, they shared an apartment together. And they moved to this apartment and the person before them had left behind a sofa. And the question was, what do we do with the sofa? How do we throw the sofa away?

How do we throw this sofa away? And between my wife was a whole human being and Christine, they realized, well, we're in New York now. You just throw it out the window. It was truly. And this made perfect sense to me because coming from Brookline, Massachusetts, New York was felt like a totally lawless place. I mean, I was raised on the warriors and escaped from New York. Of course, there are no rules. You just throw the stuff out the window. And they had...

He just lighted on fire. Yeah. And they had the sofa halfway out the window before they stopped themselves. When they appreciated... I may have told this story before. They looked down and they appreciated they were going to take out about five different air conditioning units if they let that thing drop and that was what stopped them and finally they were like let's they couldn't get it out the door was the problem that was why they were trying to get it out the window they couldn't get it out the door because

of logistical issues the size of the sofa and stuff. So finally they called the superintendent of the building and asked him what he should do. And he said, let me take a look at it. And he came up to their apartment and he kicked the legs off the sofa with his foot. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere, John. Exactly, exactly. All of which is to say that construction in New York

is a little different than it is in Los Angeles. If I am hearing this correctly, and you might hear it on this recording, or you might not. Apologies if you do. I'm here in my home studio in my office here in Brooklyn, New York. If I hear this correctly, it sounds to me like someone bought a gigantic model set of human teeth from the Put This On shop and is now drilling it for cavities very loudly or they might be drilling into into concrete wall i don't know what they're doing but if you hear drilling in the background that's what that is and then i have a neighbor on my left side now who's a very good neighbor uh but they they have a dog and through the windows ahead of me, in the yard below lives

another dog with another human. And sometimes when these two dogs see each other, ooh, it gets to be a really growly situation. So my fingers are crossed that we're going to hear those dogs growl at each other in friendly doggy, you know, they're not mad at each other. They're just natural rivals. You know what I mean? Sure. Like you and Jonathan Colton. That's right. That's right. We nip at each other's heels. It's fun. It's all fun. We've got a lot of justice to dispense on this episode. So let's get into it. Here's something from Greg in Califon, New Jersey. You're Hodgness, my wife's college friend. I will accept that. I will accept that.

My wife's college friend is getting married this year. Due to COVID, she's opting out of both the ceremony and the reception. Sure. My wife wants to send, quote, a really nice gift, unquote, i.e. more money than our usual wedding gift for two reasons. One, it will provide extra cheer to the friend who is missing out on her wedding. Two, the money we save by not attending can be added into our normal gift. I argue our usual amount is a fine gift. Also, the money the friend saved by not having a reception more than makes up the difference. Also, the money the friends saved by not having a reception more than makes up the difference. I ask you to order my wife to stay the course and give our typical wedding gift adjusted for inflation.

Adjusted for inflation? When was the last time they gave a wedding gift? 1979? You have to index your wedding gifts. But the problem is the Democrats want the victory once every few years of raising the minimum wedding gift standard. So nobody wants to index it. Right. No, I understand. Look, and I also understand that inflation is ticking up right now due to some post-COVID supply chain shortages. So you don't have to write me. Yeah, it does sound like, do you ever use, of the things i love to do of course is to read

uh travis mcgee novels by john d mcdonald and one of my very favorite things these were all written in the 60s and 70s into the early 80s and they're crime novels and they they often involve amounts of money that were stolen or recovered um and uh i'm a big fan of the internet inflation calculator to see how much something, how much buying power a dollar had, say, in 1969 in Travis McKee time. But yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know when the last time they went to a wedding was that they need to adjust their minimum gift for inflation.

But okay, I accept it. Here's the thing about the inflation calculator, John. Yeah. You know that thing where your parents say, when I was a kid, a Coke cost a quarter? Yeah. That was the only thing you could buy. It was Coke or grain. Like that was what was available.

We could get computers and stuff. Like they didn't even have Sega Genesis, much less PlayStation four Coke or grain. Yeah. That's a t-shirt right there. Yeah, absolutely. Uh, so in any case,

um, this one confused me a little bit cause I'm not clear on this. Do you, do you take from this that they are planning to give their friends who are getting married cash as a gift? I think it may be that they're describing the amount of money they will spend on the gift. Although there certainly are weddings where the request is to give cash often towards, I mean, in American weddings anyway, often towards a house down payment or a honeymoon.

Right, right, right, right. Well, as always, the ruling of this court is help in the way you are asked to help. And so the first rule, Greg, is to check in with the spouses-to-be, your college friend who's getting married, and make sure that they're not already registered somewhere or asking for a specific kind of gift. And then the question is, do you give a little, a little boost, right? Do you give a little, a little extra money or a little extra, you know, maybe go up a level on the registry, maybe get the sateen sheets that they asked for. Those can be clammy.

Yeah. Maybe get the, what is it, the heathered linen sheets that you can get at Brooklinen. Still a little mention of a company that I know. Yeah, that's a little bonus for you, Brooklinen. Yeah, exactly. Because you know what? Generosity feels good, You know, we were just generous to Brooklyn in there. We gave away something. And why? Because they've been a good

partner for us. I don't think that gift giving, whether it's for a wedding or anything, is really the time to be doing year over year spending comparisons. And I'm not talking, I mean, obviously, look, we all have issues affording the things that we want to afford. But there's a difference, I think, between frugality and kind of cheapness, you know. Like giving a gift, especially for weddings, a time for generosity. It's time to be a little bit bigger than you might normally be. And that may mean spending no money at all. Like it may mean doing a favor or creating something really special and heartfelt

for the person that you care about and love. Or it could mean just giving them cold hard cash if you know that that's what they need. Being cheap does not just mean spending less money to save a little. Being cheap also means just being cheap of spirit, being cheap of gesture. And look, they don't know it. They don't know until they hear this podcast that you were thinking about going the extra mile. And then, Greg, you're like, no, pull it back. You could get away with this, of this sort of like this moment of saying like, well,

we could give more, but let's not. Until this podcast comes out, you're in the clear. When the podcast comes out, everyone in the world listens to it. It's bigger than the Super Bowl football contest. And your college friend will know. But in general, if you have the impulse to give more of yourself, financially, sure, but just in general, if you have a moment in your life and an impulse to feel like, I should give more. This has been a hard time. They're not having the wedding that they want to have necessarily. And because I'm not going, I do have some extra resources to give.

When you have that impulse, there really is no virtue in tamping it down. I don't think you will be remembered or will you remember yourself very fondly for taking that generous impulse and pulling it back into yourself. I think you'll think back on yourself going like, why didn't I, I had this extra time or this extra energy or maybe a little extra money. And I thought about giving it to them, but I didn't. I don't think that's a moment when you pat yourself on the back. So I would just say that, you know, as with all gifts, you know, you don't have to go overboard to the detriment of yourself.

Obviously stay within whatever budget you are able to afford. And I mean that financially, obviously, but also emotionally in time and energy. Like don't overextend yourself. But if you can afford a little bit more and you think of it, usually you feel better to just follow through with that impulse rather than bury it in a hole. I have to say, John, when my wife and I were married, we already lived together,

had a full complement of household stuff and lived in a tiny apartment in San Francisco where we couldn't have held more household stuff if we wanted to. Although I should mention that I'm very grateful to Brent Weinbach, comedian Brent Weinbach,

for giving us that ice cream maker. That's great. And I'm just a very, look, comedian Brent Weinbach for giving us that ice cream maker. And I'm just- That's a very Brent gift. I'm grateful to comedian Brent Weinbach for being comedian Brent Weinbach. Bless that man. Gift to the world. Yeah. But because we had a full complement of household goods, but we're super broke at the time, like really didn't have two pennies to rub together. We asked for people to make contributions to our honeymoon fund.

Sure. We wanted to go to Hawaii for our honeymoon. And we were hoping that people would give us enough money to cover the cost of that. And I found that there were really a broad range of levels of generosity among our family, our family and close friends. And, you know, it ranged from folks who we knew didn't have much money giving us really generous gifts and people who we knew did who never gave us a gift at all. I'm sitting right here. I got you. Well, you didn't.

You weren't able to come. You live 3,000 miles away. It was a perfectly reasonable decision. I know. Oh, I know. I know. It's fine. It's fine, John.

But I also learned in doing that that even the most economical wedding, and we had a very economical wedding because, as I said, we didn't have two pennies to rub together, is a very expensive proposition. So nobody is getting ahead by receiving gifts at their wedding. Unless you have rich parents, your ledger is not coming out in the black. And the lesson that I took from that experience is that within the context of my means, which is varied within my life, I really try to be generous with a wedding gift. gift because when else do you get to give a gift that celebrates something so beautiful in such a sensitive time of life when someone is already doing something that is really kind for you, which is, as I said, spending a lot of money for you to be there and celebrate with your community. And that's true of like I had my wedding in a public park. Shout out to Fort Mason in San Francisco, California. I, you know, the ceremony was in the church that I grew up going to and had not been to in 15 years because they said we could use it for free. And there's, you know, like I said, nobody's coming out ahead and you'll feel great if you're being generous in this special time. Totally. You never regret being generous. You never regret, you never regret it. And it's, as I say, it's not just about the amount of money you spend, you know, you want to help in the way you are asked to help. And that might be saying, hey, I can't afford to

give you a present or, you know, but is there some other help you need in your wedding? Like, can I get up at five o'clock in the morning to go to the flower market and buy the flowers? Can I pick up anything for you? Do you have a sofa that you can't get out of your apartment that I can kick the legs off of for you. And contrary to that, Greg, you know, you do, even if no one, even if no one ever finds out that you had a generous impulse that you pulled back on, you will remember it, you know. And look, Greg, I didn't go to Jesse Thorne's wedding. You know, I really regret it. I really wish I could have been there for you guys. I mean, I was, as you say, 3,000 miles away.

I have a family of my own. You know, I had other obligations. But I think back and I'm like, did I get him a present? I don't think I did. So I feel really bad about that. I think about it fairly frequently. And I don't usually need Jesse's reminder to think about it, but I got the message. So Greg, you and I, we're going to do both do penance for our lack of generous impulse. You and I are both going to get Jesse an ice cream maker. That is each. Jesse and Teresa each get their own ice cream maker on top of the Brent Weinbach one. And I

mean, literally on top. I want a tower of ice cream makers. Here's a case from Jim from Ann Arbor, Michigan. The other day, I heard my wife ask a question from the other room. I put down what I was doing and went in to ask her to repeat herself. She said, never mind. I was talking to Siri. This is not the first time I was tricked into thinking she was talking to her phone and not me. So I suggested we use a different voice when we talk. Always love it. I always love the moments when I realize Jesse has not read the letter yet. And hits the turn. It's that wild turn into left field.

You got to keep it fresh. So I suggested that we use a different voice when we talk to our phones to prevent this confusion. I can always tell when she's talking to her friends or a dog or a baby. Why don't we make up our own unique computer voices? She just gave me a look. I now use a robot voice when I talk to my phone whenever she's nearby. Please order my wife to reciprocate this simple and courteous practice. So when Jim from Ann Arbor said computer voices, initially I thought he meant some kind of distinct voice just for the computer.

Right. That's what would be only moderately bananas. I didn't know that he was going to go full on robot voice. Which is, I mean, I understand using a voice for the computer because I, I, I have a smart speaker as they say, and I'm not going to trigger anyone's smart speakers right now, but this smart speaker and the voice that of the, of the virtual assistant has a certain cadence to it. So I find myself imitating the cadence of the speaker because I feel that the speaker can understand me better and I'll get better outcomes by saying, I

won't say, I won't trigger anyone's speakers. I'll just say, Hey, Jesse, play. You make my dreams come true by Darryl Hall and John like that's that's how i get the speaker to go but i never thought to do a robot voice so of course jesse i had to get jim to do his robot voice i had to write to jim and say do the robot voice for us jennifer marmer do you have that audio recording hey siri play sports by huey Lewis and the News. All right. Something to unpack here. First of all, Jim, I love your spirit, your human spirit.

That robot voice sounds too human to be a robot voice yeah that's just you talking slow that was just talking slow you need to really robot it up if you're going to commit to this and i urge you to do it and i also urge listeners to get jim's voice into a remix as quickly as possible remix that and send it remix Remix it with a track from Huey Lewis and the News' album Sports. Doesn't matter to me which one it is. If this is it, I want a new drug, but not the

Back to the Future song. That's not on Sports. I like this idea a lot, but Jesse, after I received this, Jim also wrote, note, while recording this clip on my phone, my home pod started playing the song you requested. I must admit, never that one heard that song.

Now I don't know what to believe. Because sports is an album, Jim, not a song. Yeah. And second of all, never that one heard that song. Jim, are you an AI? Yeah, I think we thought that it was Jim doing a bad job of a robot voice. I think Jim is a robot doing a bad job of a human voice. Maybe Jim's wife is the only human in the house.

Maybe Jim, quote unquote, is an Alexa that has come to life and become self-aware and believes that they are Jim's wife's husband, Jim, which is a personality they invented. For some reason, Jim's wife has both an Alexa and a Siri. And every time Jim's wife is talking to Siri, Alexa Jim is getting jealous and doesn't understand. Alexa, play sports by Huey Lewis and the News. That's how she says it. Here's the thing, John, and we're going to take a quick break

to hear from this week's partner. But honestly, my upset with Jim is not that he's a robot, not that he's got a scheme, uh, not that he's making this weird request of his wife. It's that he's not up on the latest stuff from judge John Hodgman, which is we don't even request Huey Lewis in the news anymore. So let me correct Jim and say, Hey, Siri, play Square Biz by Tina Marie. What's great is she does a robot voice in the song. I'm talking Square Biz. Okay. Whoa, what happened to my human co-host, Jesse Thorne, replaced by an AI? We'll clear some more cases in just a minute.

Jesse Thorne replaced by an AI? We'll clear some more cases in just a minute. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh, boy, that would be fantastic.

Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example?

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It's not just like a game that pretends to teach you a language. It's also not a rigid, weird, hyper-academic chore. It is an actually productive app that actually teaches you while you are actually having a nice time. And you get to hear this sound. Here's a special limited time deal for our listeners right now. Get up to 60% off your Babbel subscription, but only for our listeners at babbel.com slash Hodgman. Get up to 60% off at babbel.com slash Hodgman spelled B-A-B-B-E-L dot com slash Hodgman. Rules and restrictions apply. Welcome back to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. We're clearing the docket. We're just we're just a couple of human people. Here's a case from Dan in Columbus, Ohio. Dear Judge Hodgman, recently my wife and I made burritos for dinner. We prepare these buffet style where the burrito maker has all the various fixings at their disposal and can fill them as they see fit. Since I watched the television show Eastbound and Down, there's a storyline where they open a baked potato kiosk in the mall. Sure.

And basically the only thing that happens in this storyline is that they say to each other, and I can't even think of the word. It's been like five years since that show was on television. I still can't think of that word without thinking. Fixins. Fixins.. Fiexins. Fiexins. Fiexins. Fiexins. Fiexins.

How do I present Fiexins? Buffet style or no? I asked my wife if she'd like to split a burrito, and she agreed. Much to my surprise, she proceeded to tear the unfilled tortilla in half, leaving a sad, useless half moon on my plate. My wife insists this is totally reasonable and a logical way to divide a burrito, but I contend it defeats the purpose and design of the tortilla. Please order my wife to cease this strange practice. Thank you in advance for your sound judgment. So first of all, Jesse, just so you know, it's Daryl Hall and John Oates. Yeah, they don't- The name of the band is not Hall and Oates.

No, and Daryl Hall will correct you on that, as I know from firsthand experience. you on that, as I know from firsthand experience. Daryl Hall is a lovely, fascinating guy who will tell you stories about hanging out in nightclubs with Gamble and Huff in Philadelphia before Hall & Oates was even an act. But he will point out to you that the name of the band is Daryl Hall and John Oates. That's something I just recently learned because my smart speaker started playing one of their songs and I'm like, oh, it's a Hall and Oates song. And smart speaker was like, no, you are wrong. John Hodgman, it is Daryl Hall and John Oates. And then I looked it up and it was like my memory of every Daryl Hall and John Oates album cover changed as I was looking at it. They all said Hall and Oates. and then I looked at them and they changed before my eyes into Daryl Hall and John Oates.

But you should listen to Daryl Hall and John Oates because Daryl Hall can sing songs, right? Great. I'll say, I don't know what your jam is, but Rich Girl is like a top 10 all-time song for me. You Make My Dreams Come True is great. Yeah. I never got into Abandoned Luncheonette. I didn't even know these guys went back to 1973. Yeah. But She's Gone is an incredible song on there.

Abandoned Luncheonette, I think, is probably my favorite Hall & Oates album. And that was all downhill from there? No. They made so many great records. Incredible act. Dan and Columbus, let it be known. Daryl Hall and John Oates is the name of the band. Now, Mike, this, again, I feel like I don't understand what's going on here.

You're making a burrito buffet. They've got their fillings, not their fixings, but their fillings in front of them. They've got their beans. They've got their, depending on regional preference, their rice. They've got their meat. And then they've got their salsas and guacamoles and sour creams and so forth in front of them. The region is Columbus, Ohio. Yes.

Well, I don't know what's in a classic Columbus burrito. Spaghetti, maybe? I think it's a Coney Island hot dog and spaghetti. So they've got their stuff in front of them. And normally you would take a full tortilla, fill it, close it, and eat it. Right. He said, let's share one. And she tore an empty tortilla in half

and they each had half a tortilla. Yeah, no, I'm able to read the language, but the problem I'm having is picturing Dan and his wife, who is a whole human being in her own right, at home in Columbus, Ohio. And they're like, all right, let's make burritos. First of all, it's implicit in the letter, burritos, Ohio. And they're like, all right, let's make burritos. First of all, it's implicit in the, it's implicit in the letter burritos, plural. We're going to, we're going to light, let me

light this sterno can put this little, you know, a warming tray of the tortillas up. And then this is for the beans and this is for the spaghetti. And this is for the big jar of cinnamon that I'm going to put on it. And this is for the casserole. And this part's for the shredded lettuce. And here's a little tray of rice and everything else. Hold on, John. You've listed a lot of great things to put on a burrito, but shredded lettuce, get out of here. Whoa, I've been fired? I draw the line at shredded lettuce.

Go ahead, John. The point is, after all of that buffet is laid, that's when Dan turns to his wife and goes, you want to split one? I hope they have other people over. Do you know what I mean? It's like you go through all that trouble to make a single burrito. Yeah. You could have just done it straight out of the pan. Yeah, just do it straight out of the pan.

But, yeah, I mean, I think the point here is you don't share a burrito. You know, it was a mistake, Dan, to even suggest it. Because if you want to split a burrito, you can make a burrito and cut it in half and each have a half. But then you have to be completely on board with the ingredients in that burrito. And then what's the point of having the fixians bar to begin with unless each person can pick their own fix fix so there's no so there's no point in that and most especially there's no point because listeners judge john hodgman know you want to make your own burrito get your own burrito the way you like it cut it in

half eat half and then marinate the stump overnight and have the other half the next day. You got to marinate that stump. So yeah, Dan, your wife and partner and whole human being who lives with you, that was an unusual move to tear that tortilla in half. There's no structural way to create a burrito out of half of a tortilla. That's not how a burrito can't roll. That's like, I don't even know what that would be.

Just kind of a floppy, large taco. It would be like a burrito. It would be like a floppy burrito bowl. Yeah. But don't ask in the first place. I'm going to say that your sin is the original sin, Dan. Don't ask to split a burrito, especially not if you've gone through the trouble of making a buffet. I have to imagine they have friends over or something.

Here's the thing, John. Okay. As you know, I'm a native of San Francisco's Mission District. Oh, boy, here we go. The home of the burrito. Yeah. San Francisco is a city. Yeah. And I think that while. San Francisco is a city. Yeah. And I think that while – and there is a national chain of fast casual restaurants.

Right. That was founded by a man who under false auspices got a job in a San Francisco taqueria to learn how to copy their burritos and make them into a national chain of fast casual restaurants. And that chain is fine. It's better than some other fast food, worse than other fast food. Sure. I would argue not to buzz market a brand or anything, but I would argue that they do make better burritos than Brooklinen, for example. Yeah, I think that's fair. But having eaten those burritos or other burritos in other parts of the country that sometimes ape the style of the San Francisco burrito. There are many styles of burrito, all of which are perfectly legitimate, but sometimes they are presented as though they

are a San Francisco style burrito. One of the biggest problems that I see out there, and this is something that I think burrito makers should really be working on is the tuck and roll. Yeah. I think that one of the fundamental things that makes a San Francisco burrito a San Francisco burrito is that you start with a tortilla, often a steamed and griddled tortilla to make it both stretchy and have contrast and texture. Then you layer the ingredients on top of that open tortilla such that when the burrito is complete, each bite will have a variety of ingredients contained therein.

Correct. Then there is a tuck and roll process involving both the tortilla and the aluminum foil. Oh, boy. That creates a tight, compact log. That is what creates the stump that can be marinated. When you slice a burrito in half, a good burrito in half, almost nothing comes out of it. Right. It's so dense.

Yes, because it is packed tightly by an effective tuck and roll. And if you're making one of these flappy floppy fast food burritos. Yeah. If you're making flippy floppy talking head style. It's not the worst burrito you could ever, it's not the worst food you could ever eat in the world, but it's. David Burns a genius, but I don't know that he knows how not the worst burrito you could ever, it's not the worst food you could ever eat in the world, but it's David Byrne's a genius, but I don't know that he knows how to roll a burrito.

I don't think, in fact, I'm going to go so far to say I don't think he does. Yeah, his burrito tortilla would be too large. This is my guess. This is truly my greatest passionate life. Jennifer Marmer got that one. Jennifer Marmer got that one. Thank you, Jennifer. Got a reaction.

Jesse's still thinking about burritos. I know. Not getting my David Byrne. I'm going to be thinking about this the rest of the time. Circa 1991 big suit joke. I'm going to be thinking about, you know, I'm just going to be this whole time just stewing about shredded lettuce. That you suggested ingest. And a list of joke ingredients you suggested shredded lettuce.

That was enough to upset me for the rest of our recording. I hate to say this to you, but that one wasn't a joke. Oh, no. I don't. It didn't occur to me not to. Here's something from Karen in Bolton, Massachusetts. I have a dispute with my husband, Dave. Dave is obsessed with the movie The Godfather.

All right, we can stop reading there. That's fine. I find in your favor, Karen. Love that movie. Love that movie. But it's time to move on from guys being obsessed with The Godfather. Dave wants to put posters for the usual suspects on our dorm room walls. Okay.

Every time Dave hears the word Italy, sees something Italian, talks about traveling to Italy, which country we both love, don't get me wrong, or eats Italian food, he starts singing, humming, or whistling the theme to The Godfather and proceeds to shush us all until he gets enough of the song out to satisfy his weird compulsion. I'm sick of that song. Please order my husband refrain from do do doing so we can all go back to enjoying all things Italy in peace and quiet. Well, first of all, look, I love The Godfather. I don't need you to write me any letters. I've seen it many times. It's a beautiful work of art.

I have to correct you, Karen. I'm sorry. It is not do-do-doing. The song, the love theme from The Godfather that I presume Dave is singing is meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow presume Dave is singing is meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,

meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,

meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow,

meow, meow, meow, meow. I started in too low a register. Meow, meow, meow,

meow. Are we going to get sued at this point? Can I keep going or stop? No, we're really pushing it. Yeah, we're pushing it. All right,

we'll stop there. We'll stop there. Okay, sued by Francis Ford Coppola and Meow Mix. That song is called Speak Softly Love, which I did not know until I used the Wikipedia to research this. It is composed, as all of the Godfather music score was composed, by Nino Rota, published in 1972.

It was, I believe, a number one hit or a big hit in his vocal version, Andy Williams. Fair to say the least Italian-American singer of the time that I could think of? Yeah, I think that's fair. Andy Williams? I could be wrong there. I could be wrong there.

But Andy Williams, there are words to it. It's like the Star Trek theme. It's got words. It's like The Odd Couple there's there are words to it it's like the star trek theme it's got words it's like the odd couple it's got words to it go go listen to it it's wild i never knew this speak softly love is the name of that song and here's the thing i'm gonna i'm going to i'm going to apologize to andy williams and andy williams's family because andy williams could Williams and Andy Williams' family, because Andy Williams could very well be Italian. I, no one thinks of John Hodgman as having any Italian ancestry, but my father's family are all from Northern Italy, at least his maternal family. Northern Italy, a town called Udine.

But I don't look like I'm in The Godfather because guess what? Italy's a whole region. People who are listening right now, I don't know when you're listening to this podcast, could be years from now, could be years in the future. But when we're recording this today, on May 18th, 2021, we live in an elon musk had not yet become president of the country of doge koinia xk925 which is what he renamed the united states i'm sure in your future timeline because he was legitimized by being on saturday night live Much like previous presidents in our history were legitimized by being on Saturday Night Live. You know who you are, Taft. Yeah.

Although Taft was really good when he was one of those bumblebees with John Belushi. That was pretty good. He was funny. He was funny. For a non-comedian. Yeah. Doing a non-joke.

Yeah. Taft was funny. He fit the suit. No, we live in a timeline where Elon Musk just appeared on Saturday Night Live. We don't even know what's going to happen yet. And in our timeline, the worst thing that's happened is that Elon Musk was on Saturday Night Live pretending to be Wario, the evil Mario, the long-celebrated Italian-American stereotype Mario, the long celebrated Italian American stereotype Mario, talking in classic Mario

phony baloney Italian accent, you know, like that Daryl Hall and John Oates song, you make my dreams come true. You know what I'm saying? Yes. It's you. You make my dreams come true. That's actually how daryl hall sings it in that song anyway and there's all this phony outrage over like a lot of it i think kind

of bad faith criticism if you can imagine that on the internet of people saying well if if he can do a phony baloney italian accent then why can't we use words we shouldn't you know like that kind of thing yeah like why is it okay to make fun of italian americans in this way and you know what it's not not because not because you know in contemporary american society italian americans um are particularly harmed by these stereotypes stereotypes are cheap and lazy and dehumanizing, but mostly because it's unfair to the vast regional differences that are Italy. You know, Nino Rota is from Milan. The godfather is from Sicily. Those two places are not the same at all, at all.

They're not Italian. And as you probably well know, the whole idea of Italy only goes back a couple hundred years. It's a fake idea. It's a funny baloney. I went to Milan and was stunned to see people walking around in Tyrolean capes. And you're like, oh, right. This is the Alps. Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. That's not the song that goes with it. Yeah. And very specifically, The Godfather is not about Italy. The movie does not start with a guy going to The Godfather looking for a favor saying,

I believe in Italy. I believe in America. It's about the Italian-American experience of America. And that is what the movie is about the Italian-American experience of America, and that is what the movie is about. So look, Dave of Massachusetts, a Commonwealthium, my paisan in the Commonwealth. You're wrong, Dave, for all kinds of reasons. First of all, stop singing that song. Don't do that.

Like, if you've got to do it, I understand. You get a song, you got an earworm. It's a beautiful song. You get a little earworm every time you, every, you know, from time to time you have to sing it. But if you got a song in your heart that you got to get out, you can't, you can't shush other people. You're just sitting down to some, you know, spaghetti and gravy or whatever. You can't shush other people so you can get your little thing out. Like if this were your adult child writing to me, Dave, I might catch you some weird dad leeway on this one because maybe you were doing this on purpose to embarrass your child, which is usually you get a get out of jail free card.

But this is your life partner, Karen in Bolton, Massachusetts. You don't shush your life partner so you can get your little song out. And second of all, to equate the godfather with anything about Italy, that is ignorant.

I think that you deserve to learn a little bit more about the history and the regions of Italy. It's a very, very interesting place. John, I can't really sit in judgment on this one. I can't participate because anytime anyone mentions Austria, I just go, I bust out my zither. The third man theme. The theme from the third man. Let's take a quick break.

When we come back, we'll have an audio letter from a child complaining. Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience,

one you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there

yeah i'm trying to spell it but it's tricky let me give it a try okay if you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p-p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p-p-p-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from maximumfun.org if you need a laugh and you're on the go welcome back to the judge john hodgman podcast john uh do you mind if I, by listener request, exploit my children for a moment? Please. My youngest, Frankie. This whole segment is all about exploiting children.

Great. So I'm excited for this. Thank you. My youngest, Frankie, asked me to play Batman the other day. Yeah. And I was supposed to be a robber. Sure. And I was supposed to have. robber. And I was supposed to have... Well, that's the famous duo, Batman and Robber.

Yeah. I was supposed to have tied up Batman. So Frankie was sitting in a chair, pretending to be tied up. But then Batman burst forth. And I said to Frankie, Batman, how did you escape my trap? burst forth and I said I said to Frankie Batman how did you escape

my trap? And Frankie said well too bad I'm from comic book history I'm the first Batman

so I punched out of it I'm the first Batman so I have a normal car I don't have a Batmobile.

And you know what? Frankie's right. Originally, Batman didn't have a Batmobile. That was a later creation. Frankie knows Frankie's Batman history. I'm from comic book history, so I punched out of it. Have you been hiring Elliot Kalin to babysit Frankie lately? That's basically all of my children see Elliot Kalin as a sort of mentor figure.

They have nothing but contempt for me and adoration for Elliot Kalin and his Batman bad guy knowledge. But then I stopped being a robber. I became the Joker. Frankie assigned me the role of the Joker. And Frankie explained to me, Joker, you can do Jack in the Box. That means you get a cube and you just hit it and it does something.

I know exactly what Frankie is trying to describe. The classic Joker jack-in-the-box move where the Joker's head comes out of a jack. I know exactly what's going on there. Yeah. That's incredible. Ultimately, though, Batman did win the fight. I'll tell you how. Frankie explained it to me.

I tore one of your arms and put a robot one and I tore your face and put a robot one on that and it's making you super hot. You know what, Jesse? Yeah. In the future, our arms and our faces will be replaced by robot faces and arms.

It's true. And we will all be super hot. Yeah, because of Batman. But for now, we're still in our meat bodies reproducing biologically, which is weird. Wait, wait, John. You said that this whole segment is about child exploitation? I wouldn't say child exploitation, Jesse. I would just say child forward segment. Because today we received an audio letter from a young person, an 11-year-old listener named Leela. Jennifer Marmer, roll tape. Judge John Hodgman, my name is Leela, and I'm from Maine.

I am 11 years old. My dad and I were listening to episode 510 about it being all right to name a child June, even though they are expected in June. Well, my brother's name is August. He constantly gets the question, are you named August because you were born in August? He's born in December. I think you made the wrong decision.

That's why from now on, I will call you Judge Wrong Hodgman. Did you catch that laugh at the end? That scary laugh that Lila gave? Oh, you're so burnt. Oh, my gosh. So burnt. I'm looking at you in the video conference. All I see is the charred remains, like Indiana Jones style.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like I'm in Pompeii over here. I'm so burned. She just opened the arc on you. Oh, my gosh. Yeah. Leela did it. Judge wrong, Hodgman.

That's been out there for 10 years. For 10 years. Through the eyes of a child, 10 years through the eyes of a child john through the eyes of a child yeah so this was shared with us via leela's father a listener named waldron which is a very cool name and they're up there in maine which is also very cool now now i i know all of you are now going to start sending me clips of your children telling me I'm wrong over and over and over again. I'm sure you got the voice memo open already. I cannot stop you from sending these things to me. I will tell you it will only cause me emotional pain.

And I will not play them on the podcast. So do what you want to do. So do what you want to do. Lila, though, Lila, you and only you get the win this time for coining the term Judge Wrong Hodgman, which is amazing. One more bit of kid news. I mentioned the other week during the Max Fun Drive that we have a new addition to the extended Judge John Hodgman universe and family. A listener named Amy had written to me to say that she, like me, enjoys night cheese. It was a reference to Shootin' the Breeze, episode two.

My and our friend Jordan Morris is members only once every three years, Max Fun Drive BoCo cheese podcast. And Amy wanted to report that she was currently eating night cheese right then from a mini fridge in a hospital where she was waiting to give birth. Well, guess what? She gave that birth. Happened on May 10th or 11th. You already know that because I told you and I made reference to the fact that this child was born, which is amazing.

And that Amy had sent me a picture of that brand new baby. But guess what? Again, everybody. After that, Amy wrote again and revealed that she had been a litigant on the show before specifically amy was the plaintiff in verdict number 222 eminent tomane in which she toe t-o-e in which she sought to prohibit her then girlfriend alexa play he was in the news sports, from wearing Crocs outside, the plastic sandals known as Crocs. Now, that was five years ago. Now, Amy and Alexa play Huey Lewis in the

news sports. They are married to each other. And this is their first child. You can see a picture of Alexa, play Huey Lewis in the news sports, holding this baby on the Judge John Hodgman Instagram page. And Jesse, according to Amy, they've named the child a traditionally male name because Amy says he's a fellow as far as we know at this time. Do you know what the name of this baby is? What? Croc.

Name the baby Croc. That's not true. That's not true. But I'm not going to say what that baby's name is. Would you say, John, that it's a croc? No.

No, it's a croc. Like the kind you wear on your foot in honor of the podcast. Got it. That's not true. I'm going to respect this baby's privacy.

Hey, guys, really quick. This is a croc. Yeah. Wait a minute. Jennifer Marmer's wearing a croc. Guess what? My youngest baby who's now 15 years old just got a pair of crocs in the mail. Crocs are happening again. I only wear them in the house. It's a good time to name your baby croc. So now listeners, I know what's going to happen. You're all going to go get pregnant as fast as you can. So you can send me pictures of your newborn babies and get your brand new baby on the podcast well don't don't do that i mean get pregnant if you want but don't rush into it and don't do it to be on a podcast but thank you and congratulations to amy alexa

play you listen to sports croc li and all listeners. I really appreciate your letters, your feedback, your questions, but especially your good faith disputes. We need them to make the show go. And you know how to send them to me. Hodgman at MaximumFun.org. The docket is clear. That's it for another episode of Judge John Hodgman. Our producer is Jennifer Marmer. Follow us on Twitter at Jesse Thorne and at Hodgman.

We're on Instagram at Judge John Hodgman, where you can go right now and see the photo of a great dog named Jerry Orbach. Oh, look at Jerry Orbach. He really is a great dog. Look at his dumb face. The best thing, I mean, Jerry Orbach is known for being in the drama Law and Order. Yeah. But they captured Jerry Orbach and the dog here as though it's a freeze frame at the end of a 1980s sitcom. Jerry Orbach the dog just delivered this signature catchphrase. This is not Jerry Orbach on Law and Order.

This is definitely Jerry Orbach starring on Broadway in the Fantastics. There you go. That's the Jerry. Is it Jerry or Orbach is the name of the dog? Apparently the dog's name is not Jerry, but Orbach. So they refer to the dog as Orbach. Epic. Yeah.

Pretty tremendous. Thanks to Roman and Emily for sending that in. Hashtag your judge John Hodgman tweets hashtag JJHO. And check out the Maximum Fund subreddit to discuss this episode. That's at maximumfund.reddit.com. You can submit your cases at maximumfund.org slash JJHO. That's maximumfund.org slash JJHO, or just email them to hodgman at maximumfund.org. We want to take this opportunity to thank every single person who joined Maximum Fund, upgraded or boosted their membership

during the Max Fund Drive. There were over 20,000 of you. We are so grateful to every single one of you. It means the world to us, quite literally. It is how we eat. So thank you very much to all of you Maximum Fund members. You really rule. And we'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Surprise post-credit sequence. I don't know when the last time I did this was.

I'm losing track of things. But today begins the March of the Gygaxes. Now, a few weeks ago, we were talking about Gary Gygax, leaving the creator of Dungeons and Dragons, leaving the Dungeons and Dragons empire in the context of the band Phish. And I encouraged listeners to create a Phish pastiche of a song called Gygax Departs. And a number of you did, and they were all wonderful in their own way. A few weeks ago, I played one by a listener named David. This week, I'd like to play one from a listener named Bradley, Bradley Mellenbacher, who wrote new lyrics to an old, completely public domain song, which you will recognize as Old Joe Clark.

This is his version of Gygax Departs. You're going to enjoy it, and I have a couple more that I'll be playing over the next couple of weeks, so if you're out there, Dave and Christopher, be patient. Don't need any more Gygax songs, though. You don't have to do this. Remember, I already put out a call for a mashup of uh of Jim's robot voice with um I want a new drug or something so that's your new project that's the new assignment one thing I want to say before I play this from Bradley I want to really thank Bradley not only for recording this but also for pointing out an amazing new thing in my life something I didn't know a piece of culture obscure cultural reference that i did

not know which is called wine is elegance uh jennifer marmer producer jennifer marmer are you there yeah i'm here have you ever heard of wine is elegance no if i told you that it was a spoken word record album of vincent price talking about wine and throwing dinner parties? Would that make you interested? Yeah. Yeah, it's incredible. You just Google it, everybody. Wine is elegance. It's all over the internet.

But now, here is Bradley Mellenbacher. He also said I could pronounce it Mellenbacker, with his version of Gygax Departs. Gary Gygax left his job because of corporate bullcrap. He died in 2008 from an abdominal erotic aneurysm. Gary Gygax, thank you, sir.

D&D is awesome. It taught us all to tell our own stories about dragons. Gary Gygax, thank you, sir, for all your creations. Though you're gone, they live on in dens across the nation.