Judge John Hodgman - Courtlandia

Episode Date: March 13, 2013

Is hipster a dirty word? We'll find out.

Welcome to the Judge John Hodgman podcast. I'm bailiff Jesse Thorne. This week, Courtlandia. Drew brings the case against his girlfriend, Lindy. Lindy says that Drew's tastes and attitudes make him a hipster, and he shouldn't resist the label. Drew says it's a derogatory term and that he's not a hipster anyway. Who's right? Who's wrong? Only one man can decide. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman enters the courtroom. To me, my thing is the podcast is much more powerful and useful than an actual event. Like back when I used to go out, when I was last out, I was walking down the street and this guy, I'm barreling out of a bar, fell right in front of me, hit a knife right in his back, landed right on the ground. Well, I have no reference for it now. You know, I can't

put it on pause. I can't subscribe to it. Can't put it on slow-mo and see all the little details. And the blood sounded all wrong. It didn't sound like blood. The pitch was off. I couldn't adjust the pitch. I was hearing it for real, but it wasn't right. And I didn't even hear the knife impact on the body. I missed that part. Jesse, swear a man. Please rise and raise your right hands. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God or whatever?

Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Do you swear to abide by Judge John Hodgman's ruling, despite the fact that he's subscribed to Vice magazine since it was called Voice of Montreal and was a community service project for ex junkies? Yes, I swear. Very well. Judge Hodgman. I don't read it anymore, though. Too popular. You may be seated. Lindy and Drew, for an immediate summary judgment in your favor, can you name the piece of culture I referenced as I walked into the courtroom? I cannot.

I can't either. You want to take a guess, Lindy? Honestly, I don't remember what you said. Yeah. All right. It was pretty dark. Yeah. Well, it's from the movie Slacker.

Oh. The Richard Linklater movie Slacker from the early 1990s, back when movies were good and you weren't even born. What year were you born in? I was born in 1989, so I was four. You were but a child. What year were you born in, Drew? I was born in 1986. Totally hipster, right? You were totally born back when being born was cool.

Not 1989, when it got popular. And to be fair, I'm like terrible with movies. I haven't seen any of the good ones I read. What a hipster thing to say, Lindy. So the issue at hand. So Slacker is a really good movie by Richard Linklater. It's set in Austin, which is one of the hipster capitals of the world, along with Portland, where I am currently podcasting from, thanks to our friends here at Packet Team Studios. How appropriate.

I know. As well as Williamsburg, Brooklyn, where I live, and certain parts of Philadelphia where you live. Right. Right? I don't know. Maybe we shouldn't be seeing if Drew's a hipster. I already know that you're a hipster because your name is Lindy. No.

Because you have an old lady name. And Drew just sounds like a frat dude. But your contention, Lindy, is that Drew is a hipster. Yes. And Drew, your complaint is that you are not a hipster. Is that correct? Correct. Correct.

So tell me why Lindy is going around Philadelphia besmirching your name. I think she just thinks it's hilarious. But tell me what happens. Tell me how it goes down. Usually we will be out with just ourselves or a group of friends. And if we're meeting somebody new for the first time and she's introducing me, it's usually, this is my friend, or this is Drew. Isn't he a hipster? Look at those glasses. Do you think Drew is a hipster? Just asking them leading questions

and just looking at them. And she's, you know, she's persuasive and they tell her what they think she wants to hear. Is this true? I think it's a little bit of an exaggeration. Do you do this all the time or did it happen once and his feelings were hurt? That exact thing happened once after one very vehement denial of his hipsterhood.

And now you're just doing it again to get his goat. Yeah. Right, because you're raising goats in your backyards like hipsters. We don't have goats. We have bunnies oh lindy hipster heal thyself i'm just saying my bunny technically they're his bunnies i will just say that no matter what no matter what happens next lindy anytime you say anything about you, I'm going to say that that's a hipster quality. Do it. Because saying that was really hipster. Do it. Do it, right?

That's a quote. That's a quote. That's a Ben Stiller quote from a bad Ben Stiller movie, right? Do it, right? You have that tattooed. You have that tattooed in Thug Life Gothic script on your belly. Do it. I actually have him doing the Zoolander face.

I have a picture of his face on my ass tattooed. Is that true? No, it's not true. We'll get to the tattoo test in a little while. But the thing is that hipster is a term that is almost universally now agreed upon to be derogatory and yet it's

a little bit slippery to define. So why Lindy, well, let me put it to Drew, actually. What does hipster mean to you and why do you not like it? It is, I think there's definitely some negative connotations there that I don't want to have to overcome. Well, no, I understand that, but what are they? I think it's hipsters if you call someone a hipster you're basically calling them

lazy calling them sort of pointless just doing things to be ironic or to be retro or to be I don't know meta is I guess the word that people are using now.

Well, that. And I just don't see much value in it, Your Honor. Yeah, that was a pretty lazy definition of hipster. And it was a little meta. It was a little meta. Are you starting to sense the tendencies here, aren't they? I don't know. Lindy, what does hipster mean to you?

Why are you describing, when you look at Drew? What do you see in him that make or on him that make him a hipster? Well, I think that more than any individual quality, being a hipster is kind of like a state of mind. Yeah, but when you're introducing him to your you, they can't see his state of mind. What are they, what are you pointing to? What about his glasses? Well, he does have the, uh, the go-to old man, hipster glasses that are like five times too big for his face. So you're saying that he wears glasses sort of like the ones I wear.

What else about, what else about Drew, your hipster boyfriend, marks him visibly as a hipster before we get into his state of mind? He is all about very specific style preferences. He swears he'll never wear jeans, and he always wears Vans until they're beat up and falling apart and his toes have poked holes in them. You're just saying he's a dude. No.

They're very intentional stylistic preferences. Like there's so much intention behind it. I don't think that's true. What are his style preferences? Let me just say something to you guys that you need to understand going forward. Specificity is the soul of narrative. Okay. You know what I'm saying?

Specific examples. It's also the soul of podcasts. Don't just hipster it with me. You know what I'm saying? I do. I'm all about the narrative. Yeah. I'm actually an English major.

Yeah, that must be why you keep saying you're all about stuff, hipster. Yeah. I'm not lindy can i just can i just say something to you go for it i've been a little mean but i want to tell you something yeah i love you i love you too yeah i do this is good in my heart this is a good feeling i really feel a connection to you non-ironically i think you guys are awesome. Now, that's the essence of non-hipsterism, right? Sincerity. Genuine emotion. Genuine emotion, wouldn't you say?

Absolutely. I appreciate that. Does Drew not have genuine emotion? Is he insincere? Oh, no. He does have very genuine emotion i think i think where it where it really um turns into hipsterness is uh actually is really his denial of hipsterness like he has these hobbies that he does and he has these things that he wears and whatever

that have these hipster touches and it would just be hipster touches if he didn't deny it so intensely. What is a hipster touch on his hobby? What does that mean specifically? Well, he collects comic books. It's all only Silver Surfer. He's picked one thing. He likes the most hipster. That is a little hipster and i'll explain why i'll explain why in a second yeah go on um now we're getting somewhere likes his favorite sport is hockey which has to be the most hipster sport yep totally just for

the facial hair alone yep go on yeah Yeah. Let's see. That's all you have? No, no, no, no, no, no. I don't know. That sounds pretty good. Well, keep going. Pocky is the silver surfer? You know what?

I'm almost, I'm, Wendy, you know, I went into this going, wait a minute. What's more hipster here? This guy wearing glasses and and and and having hobbies uh or you calling him a hipster to your friends even when you know he's not a hipster because that would be a really hipster thing to do that would be like hilarious that would be meta calling this obvious non-hipster a hipster but now you go down the list that silver surfer thing that really that kind of sells me because uh and then hockey obviously. What else you got? Give me one more.

He's really into ska music based on this assumption that it's going to come back in 2015, I think you say. Oh, I just like ska music because I like it. Well, wait a minute. Do you like ska music or do you have a specific time frame worked out for its reemergence into the world? I think – He's trying to be cool before it's cool. No, in 2016, it should be back into the mainstream. And I'll still like it.

Oh, that's the thing I was going to say. Is that when you're going to stop liking it? I'll still like it, and I'll be happy because I'll get to hear it more often. He says he'll still like it, but as soon as everyone else starts listening to it, he's going to say all his favorite bands sold out. No, I've never said that.

Here's the thing, Your Honor. I listen to the same music that I've listened to for probably since I was 14 without really go out of my way not to experience new music. Just because I don't really care that much about music, but I like the bands I like. Let me hear the bands. Let me hear I like. Let me hear the bands. Let me hear the bands. What's she saying? Let me hear the bands. Mostly just, let's see.

I like NoFX. He's wearing a NoFX t-shirt right now. Well, that's the way I look down. That is beat to hell. Well, you know what? Let's settle on Ska for a second. Okay. Let's say Ska, yeah.

Give me your top three Ska bands. I like Catch-22, even though they sort of became the Streetlight Manifesto. All right, hipster. Go. So, yeah, I like those two. I like Operation Ivy. And I like, I don't know. If you don't say Mad madness right now, you lose.

You will be a hipster. And my third favorite is madness. Because they – of course it's madness because they invented ska. I've never heard him talk about madness before, Judge. Yeah, no. I think he's falsifying it. By the way, your boyfriend's head is exploding because I just said madness invented ska. Your boyfriend's head is exploding because I just said madness invented ska. That is a hipster reference that I am making to one of the greatest comedy routines of all time, which is Tom Sharpling and John Worcester doing a phone call on the best show on WFMU called Rock, Rot, and Rule.

Go to iTunes. Search Rock, Rot, and rule, go to iTunes, search rock, rot, rule, and you will see from well more than 10 years ago the original skewering of the hipster's know-it-all aesthetic. Obviously, Madness did not invent ska, but I will say that for a dude who likes ska, maybe I'm not as deep into ska as you are, but you do seem to be picking bands and really curating them really carefully to make sure everyone knows you know the most about ska. You know what I'm saying? And here's the other thing.

Oh, go ahead. Okay, go ahead. Whenever we go to any place where there's any sort of dancing involved or music playing, he does the trademark ska dance, the skank, I think it's called. Yeah, it's just like a skank dancing. That's what you do at the ska shows. What's wrong with that? It's like his go-to dance move. Because I'm a terrible dancer and it's easy to do.

And it's dangerous looking. I'm always afraid he's going to punch someone out. Well, because I'm kind of lanky. Does he do it because it's hilarious that he's doing a ska dance at a ska show or does he do it because he likes ska music and actually loves to dance it's hard to tell but it's not it's not ska music though that he's dancing to i'm that's just the only dance i know are you taking joy in dancing or are you are you dancing in an ironic way no not ironically if i'm dancing it's because i'm either a couple drinks in or i just really feel like dancing it's hard to tell it's hard to tell it's hard to tell between between what's

ironic and what's not ironic and that's the thing it's like so you know you say like ska okay and you just like the music you like which is that's normal right but then you are picking out the most obscure ska bands that i've that i've ever heard of and you're curating ivy is not obscure not obscure okay fine i don't i'm old okay that's fine and then you got this so you got the silver obscure ska bands that I've ever heard of. And you're curating... Operation Ivy is not obscure. Not obscure. Okay, fine. I don't... I'm old, okay? That's fine.

And then you got the silver server thing, right? This is the thing, because you're on the bubble here. Because you like comics, fine. That's a nerd thing, right? But the difference between... Sure. The difference between a nerd and a hipster,

as I elucidated on the Marc Maron podcast, is that a nerd or a geek? I consider them mostly the same. Is someone who just has enthusiasm for things and wants to share it and enjoys really getting into stuff, right? Whereas a hipster, aside from being whatever aesthetic

Lindy describes, the big eyeglasses and the certain things you do or whatever, the hipster takes cultural taste and wields it like a cudgel in order to get status. That is why hipsters are loathed, right? And so when you collect comics, that's one thing. Silver Surfer, pretty specialized.

That's the comic you collect when you want to show people you're a smart comic collector. And hockey is just the hipster sport of all time and yet talking to you you seem like an enthusiastic guy and uh and a guy with sincere enthusiasms and who might not be a hipster so because it's so hard to tell between sincere enthusiasm and insincere enthusiasm and a hipster and a nerd and i'm gonna have to perform a little a little test on you, a little psychological test.

Are you willing to go through that? I accept. It's like a little Voight-Kampff test. You know what that is? You know what a Voight-Kampff test is? What is it? Is that where you say the first thing that pops into your mind? No.

No, that's association. I don't know. You might know Voight-Kampff. Do you know what it is, Lindy? No. I'm embarrassed. That's the test that they give to people in Blade Runner to find out if they're a replicant

or not. So I know both of you. I know one thing for sure, you're not a nerd. Now let's just see if you're a hipster. Okay. Answer these questions truthfully. Do you wear a hat all the time? No. Do you have an ironic subscription to the magazine Garden and Gun?

No. Do you use a smartphone in secret but in public use a Filofax? No. but in public use a file effects. No, just relax. And we're just monitoring all of your, all of your answers and your, and your,

your, uh, your pupil dilation and your blood levels and everything. Do you live in Philadelphia? Yes. Do you live in the neighborhood called eraser hood? No. Do you know why the neighborhood eraser hood is called eraser hood?

No. What is the special at Bob and Barbara's? I don't know. Have you ever been to Bob and Barbara's? No. Okay. Never have. Do you have a mustache?

No. Do you have a tattoo of a mustache where a mustache should be? No. How many tattoos do you have a tattoo of a mustache where a mustache should be? No. How many tattoos do you have? One. That's not true, Your Honor. No, that's true.

He actually has two temporary tattoos on right now. Oh. And one is definitely a My Little Pony tattoo. You put that there. Probably just to trap me while we do this. is that is that is that would be very hipster of you to do an entrapping tattoo try to sell it sell it sell out your boyfriend as a brony it was not it was not an intentional entrapment do you have which is the most obscure cultural reference tattoo permanent or temporary that you have do you have a tattoo of Olive Oil's brother, Castor Oil?

No. Do you have a tattoo of Charles Nelson Reilly before he hit it big? With big in quotation marks. No. Do you have the full chest dragon tattoo that Iron Fist has in Power Man and Iron Fist? Oh, I

wish, but no. Do you have a full face tattoo of John Cazale's face on your face? No. I think I have I'll collate the results. Yeah, it's really just the one tattoo.

What is the tattoo of? It's, well, it's the Philadelphia Flyers logo. And you love hockey? I do. Have you loved hockey since you were a child? Yes.

Are you from Philadelphia? I'm from Pennsylvania. Did you follow the Flyers when you were a kid? I did. I actually have pictures of my first baby steps were in a Flyers jersey. So you're not like that hipster that I saw in Brooklyn that one time on the Fixie bicycle who had a tattoo of the Hartford Whalers logo. A team that ceased existing before he was born, practically. Yeah.

Yeah. Still the coolest logo in all of sports. It's still a good logo. Yeah. It's the best. Great colors. Only one that makes use of negative space. Look it up, everybody.

Yeah. Yeah. All right. Lindy. Yes, sir. Any other arguments you want to make? Well, you mentioned the neighborhoods before. And Drew's, he's like getting to the point where he's looking to buy a house.

And he's been looking very specifically in this up-and-coming neighborhood in Philadelphia called Point Breeze. Don't tell everybody. And it's just like he expects it to be the next hipster hangout. It has all these trendy bars coming in, and it's right next to a current hipster neighborhood, Passyunk, I guess. Sorry, I missed the last few minutes of what you were saying because I was busy online buying all of the homes in Port Breeze. No. Sorry. I think that's just good fiscal sense, Your Honor.

Yeah. You have a job? Yes. What is your job? I work in the office at an apartment complex. Okay. In the suburbs, really. That is – yeah, I got you.

So if I were to rule in your favor, Drew, and again, I'm still collating the results of the test. Okay. But if I were to rule in your favor, what would you want me to do? from any hipster jokes or any accusations, especially when she says, oh, so you were doing it before you were cool, to pretty much anything I can do. That's when I had to come to you because we had this argument for a while,

but she just thinks she wins any argument after saying that word or that phrase. I do win any argument. That may just be, it may after saying that word or that phrase. I do win any argument. That may just be – it may have nothing to do with that phrase. It may be that she just wins every argument. Yeah, that might be it too. So yeah, I would like you to ban her from calling me a hipster, from asking other people if they think I'm a hipster, asking other people if they think I'm a hipster,

and especially from introducing me to new people as a hipster, because I don't want that to be my first impression that I'm making. Lindy, if he changed his glasses and stopped dressing the way he did, would you stop calling him a hipster? No. No, I wouldn't. And I don't actually want him to change the way he dresses. I think he's very handsome and he dresses very well. Before I go into my chambers to analyze the results of the Voight-Kampff test for hipsters,

hipsterism, can you please tell me in three sentences why you love Ska? Sentence one, begin. I like the speed of the music. It's perfect, period. It's perfect for dancing, too, period. A lot of my friends are in ska bands, and I like to support them. I think I have everything I need to make my decision. I am going into my chambers, and we'll be back in a moment.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. Lindy, I don't mean to be a judgmental hipster here, but do you really think that Drew is a hipster because he likes ska music? No, but I definitely think his blatant refusal of the term, even on things that are like. No, no, don't change the subject. You know that the last time a hipster likes ska music was like 1994, right? See, that's the thing is they're sneaking up on it. He's getting in on it before everyone knows that that's what hipsters like.

You're saying that right now, right now, somewhere in a in a warehouse. There's a tribunal in a warehouse in Brooklyn. Diplo is listening to a real big fish album. Yes, exactly. And planning to abandon by the funk for third wave ska? If you follow the musical progression, it's definitely leaning towards hipsters, yeah. It's definitely leaning towards ska.

That's preposterous. He's denying it because the tribunal will excommunicate him. Do you think you have a chance here, Lindy? I think I do. What do you think will be the outcome of chance here, Lindy? I think I do. What do you think will be the outcome of this case, Lindy? I think the judge will make Drew abandon his glasses for a new pair. And learn to take a joke.

Oh. Drew, I'm not going to get into the whole Scott thing. Look, you can like Scott. We all remember 1994 very fondly. And that dance is indeed easy to do and fun. Yeah. I will ask you, are these glasses so ridiculous as to single-handedly launch you into this cultural category? I really didn't think so. I mean, they're not, they're not like vintage metal.

They're just brown. They're just brown plastic. My old Russian grandfather wore smaller glasses than these. They're not that big. Mine are probably bigger than yours. I think yours look great not having seen them. Thank you. What do you think your chances are, Drew? I think I'm feeling pretty good. Win or lose, I'm glad we got to talk about hockey for a little bit. Just leave it there. That's golden. We'll give Judge John Hodgman a few moments for his deliberations.

We'll be back in just a second on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman podcast. Hello, I'm your Judge John Hodgman. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is brought to you every week by you, our members, of course. Thank you so much for your support of this podcast and all of your favorite podcasts at MaximumFun.org. And they are all your favorites. If you want to join the many member supporters of this podcast and this network, boy, oh boy, that would be fantastic. Just go to MaximumFun.org slash join. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also

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The Judge John Hodgman podcast is also brought to you this week by our pals over at Made In. Jesse, you've heard of Tom Colicchio, the famous chef, right? Yeah, from the restaurant Kraft. And did you know that most of the dishes at that very same restaurant are made with Made In pots and pans? Really? What's an example? The braised short ribs.

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online directly to you, the consumer, at a very reasonable price. Yeah. If you want to take your cooking to the next level, remember what so many great dishes on menus all around the world have in common. They're made in Made In. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Save up to 25% this Memorial Day from the 18th until the 27th. Visit madeincookware.com. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.com. Please rise as Judge John Hodgman re-enters the courtroom. Well, I'm looking over my results here, which I have had printed out on an old-fashioned daisy wheel printer that I got from Freecycle. is a neighborhood in Philadelphia where it is believed to have been,

is where David Lynch lived when he was working on Eraserhead. And it is, it's a told, it was told to me to be a pretty cool neighborhood. And Bob and Barbara's is a bar on South street where every inch is given over to Pabst Blue Ribbon Paraphernalia. And the special, on South Street where every inch is given over to Pabst Blue Ribbon paraphernalia and the special

is something you order off the menu animal style at Bob and Barbara's special is a tall boy can of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a shot of Jim Beam when I first went there some years ago that was $, which is a dangerously low amount to pay for a beer and a shot.

Now I think it's $3.50. And when that thing hit at Bob and Barbara's, it was like a bomb hit bar culture in Philadelphia because now you go into any bar in Philadelphia, they all had to keep up. And you ask for the special and they will know. because now you go and do any bar in Philadelphia, they all had to keep up and, and you ask for the special and they will know any, any bar within a couple mile radius of Bob and Barbara's. But we were actually at a bar on South street last night. Oh yeah. Which one?

Uh, tattooed moms. My place is so over. Yeah. He wanted like, now when I say those, when I say those things, I am certain that hipsters in Philadelphia roll their eyes audibly.

Because Bob and Barbara's probably has not been a hipster bar for almost at least five years, maybe almost a decade. Right. At least five years, maybe almost a decade. Right. But Bob and Barbara's was a proto-hipster bar in the fact that they covered their walls with Pabst Blue Ribbon paraphernalia. And they would have older black dudes come in and play okay jazz music live every Saturday night were a bunch of college-educated skinny white people who were drinking bad alcohol for ironic fun. The thing about Bob and Barbara is that whatever its status now in the hipster world, there is no question that there was a level of irony at work in that bar. But the reality is that after enough $3 beers and shots, none of it matters anymore.

And suddenly all of the Pabst Blue Ribbon paraphernalia makes you sincerely in love with Pabst Blue Ribbon. And suddenly, you know, the band sounds amazing. And suddenly you look around and you know, the band sounds amazing. And suddenly you look around and you realize, oh, I am actually in one of the very few racially diverse bars that I've been in in my life, never mind Philadelphia. And this is a real thing that's happening. And it is awesome. And I've never not gone into Bob and Barbara's and had a great time. And this concludes the marketing for Bob and Barbara's's the thing is that the

aesthetic aspects of hipsterdom uh that we associate that you associate so superficially with young drew a love of hockey a love of silver surfer comics the dumb glasses the dumb pompadour all of that stuff doesn't mean anything what it, the only thing that matters is how you wear that stuff and whether you love it, love it, or the love it, quote, love, unquote it. You know what I mean? And I went through that Voight-Kampff test and I listened to this guy say why he loved ska. And the main thing is that I heard through the thin judge's chamber's walls that he had a chance to talk about hockey and that's all that matters.

The guy clearly likes the stuff that he likes. And just his curse, of course, is that he likes stuff that make him look like a dumb old hipster. Lindy, I think, likes the idea of being in love with a hipster. Oh, no, you found me out. Yeah, I think she wants you to be more hipster than you are.

Lindy, just let this weird old ska-loving hockey dude be himself. Don't call him a hipster. It's a dirty word. Because hipsters use their taste to get status. And this guy just likes hockey and ska. This is the sound of a gavel in quotation marks. Judge John Hodgman rules. That is all.

Please rise as Judge John Hodgman exits the courtroom. That was a stern rebuke, Lindy. How do you feel? I feel humbled. There has definitely been new light shed on my position, and I will carefully reconsider my labeling of my lover. Drew, how do you feel? I feel great.

She's speechless. I've never seen that before. Well, Drew, Lindy, um, I've got a date in Brooklyn with, uh, Devendra Banhart, Diplo, and that guy who only danced from the Mighty Mighty Boss Tones. Nice. So I got to go, but thanks for joining us on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. Good luck, you crazy kids. And Lindy, just be glad

that your sincere boyfriend dresses like a hipster so you can get your weird hipster fetish thing going on and yet you also have a sincere dude who likes you i am a lucky girl he loves you almost as much as i do oh i love you too drew i love you too, Drew. I love you too, sir. He's blushing. Bailiff Jesse. Yes. I love you, dude. I love you too, John. Alex in the booth.

I just met you. You seem okay. Yeah, I can't say I love you yet, but everything seems okay. It's all just about being sincere. Thank you very much, guys. Thank you. Thank you. sincere. Thank you very much, guys. Thank you. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, The JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year.

Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-O-D-C-A-S-T-I-R. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky.

Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go call s-t-o-p p-p-a-d-i it'll never fit no it will let me try if you need a laugh and you're on the go try s-t-o-p p-p-d-c-o-o ah we are so close stop podcasting yourself a podcast from from MaximumFun.org. If you need a laugh, then you're on the go. Judge Hodgman, did you go to that skankin' pickle concert last night? No, I was too busy eating these small-batch artisanal pickles.

Maybe we should just clear the docket. Sounds good. Dan writes, My girlfriend and I are at an impasse regarding the forthcoming third season of a program on a subscription-based cable channel. The show is based on a series of fantasy novels, and both the show and its source material

has a fervent cult following. For fear of accusations of buzz marketing, I prefer to refer in this case to the show as as a fervent cult following. For fear of accusations of buzz marketing, I prefer to refer in this case to the show as Competition of Big Chairs on the Domicile Carton Workspace Network. Signed, George R.R. Martin. Don't think I don't know your handiwork. My girlfriend would like to read the third book prior to watching the third season. I enjoy watching the show with her,

but I feel that her knowing the particular plot points prior to watching would detract from our shared viewing experience. So, we ask you, should she read the book first or not? Yeah, your girlfriend should do whatever she wants. You should be happy if a girlfriend wants to read a fantasy book, dummy. You know how long

girls have been going to see fantasy movies with their boyfriends because they were forced to. Girlfriends have put up with enough. I'm sorry you don't want your girlfriend to have more knowledge about your fantasy show than you. But it's time. Be glad that your girlfriend wants to read a fantasy book. Stop complaining, dumb boyfriend.

God, you are living large, fella. Pretty soon she's going to want to go to the Less Than Jake slash Let's Go Bowling concert with you. I don't know what you're talking about, Jinsy. Girls also don't like ska music very much. Oh, well, now I understand. Here's the next case. Matthew writes,

On August 3rd, 1993, when we were teenagers, my friend Alex and I wrote up a wager concerning our life goals at the time. I intended to serve a stint in the Peace Corps and to walk the length of the Appalachian Trail. Alex was going to earn a PhD. Whichever person had accomplished his stated goals by August 3rd, 2005 would win a $10 payment from the other person. However, since we were but callow youths, no action was prescribed for what in retrospect can easily be seen as the most likely circumstance

and indeed the circumstance that came to pass. That August 3rd, 2005 would come and go and neither of us would have taken a single baby step in the direction of any of this stuff. We're now both in our 30s with jobs and families and at very low risk of ending up in PhD programsD. programs or on multi-month hiking trips. Do we owe each other $10? Can we agree to save the postal fees by just calling it even? Should we just go on Craigslist in search of some Ph.D. Peace Corps vet who's hiked the Appalachian Trail and award him the 20 bucks Alex and I failed to win from each other?

What happened to that young man I used to be, for whom it was so obvious the Appalachian Trail was something he'd certainly get around to doing? He seems like he must have been sort of a dope, but I admit I kind of miss him. Please advise us, Judge Hodgman. For the last time, you guys, this is not an advice show. This is a judgment show. And I judge you both lacking. Here's what you do. Take your $10

each, pool it into a $20 bill. Go to the most suburban Olive Garden you can find. Feast on unlimited breadsticks and salad until you are sick. Look around you and realize this is no way to live. Then realize you are only in your 30s. You've got a lot more living to do. You don't have to give up on your dumb dreams of walking a long time. It's not my dream. It's your dream. And plan out some time and go hike the Appalachian Trail. It's not that hard. It's not hard to hike a trail.

Take a vacation. Bring your family. Have a good time. Now, your friend who gave up on getting a Ph.D., apparently in no subject, it didn't matter what subject, just a Ph.D. of any kind. That's a little bit more of a commitment, frankly, than hiking all or part, certainly all apart. Maybe it's about the same commitment as hiking all of the Appalachian Trail. I'm not saying you should necessarily do that. Just hike part of it, you know, that you can do in like a week's vacation or whatever. But getting a PhD, that takes a lot of work and time and money. And maybe that is something that he can't quite do.

But here's something he can do and which I am ordering him to do. Pick a subject in which he would like to be an expert. Read about it. Pick a subject in which he would like to be an expert. Read about it. Craft a lecture on the subject that is no shorter than 30 minutes. Set up a time in a local bar. Invite his friends and give a course in that subject while drinking.

You're going to have a good time. I'm not going to go, but it'll be great. Can I suggest they just decide to live their other dream from 1993, which is to finally go see Five Iron Frenzy in person? Ska reference! This time I know the game you're playing. This is what happens when you spend 12 years working with Jordan Morris. The ska seeps into your mind and you need a place to let it out. When I said that madness invented ska,

that guy would get very, very confused about what was going on. Well, we're hipsters. We know about rock, rot, and rule. That's right. We'll talk to you next time on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast. This episode of the Judge John Hodgman podcast

was recorded at Pagateam Studios in Portland. Thank you to Alex Ward. The Judge John Hodgman podcast is a production of MaximumFun.org. Our special thanks to all of the folks who donate to support the show and all of our shows at MaximumFun.org slash donate. The show is produced by Julia Smith and me, Jesse Thorne, and edited by Mark McConville. You can check out his podcast,

Super Ego, in iTunes or online at GoSuperEgo.com. You can find John Hodgman online at AreasOfMyExpertise.com. If you have a case for Judge John Hodgman, go to MaximumFun.org slash JJHO. If you have thoughts about the show, join the conversation on our forum at forum.maximumfun.org and our Facebook group at facebook.com slash Judge John Hodgman. We'll see you online and next time right here on the Judge John Hodgman podcast. MaximumFun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. And next time, right here on the Judge John Hodgman Podcast.